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Hi, I'm Jodi Carlton and I'm a neuro diverse relationship expert.

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And this video is from my archives from several years ago so check it out.

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"I recently reconnected with a former boyfriend who has Asperger's.

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We dated on and off again shortly after I got divorced.

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So it wasn't the easiest time in my life.

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I missed him terribly for the past seven years.

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We reconnected after his dad died in May and I know he's struggling terribly to cope.

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I've tried to hold him together as much as I can.

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He said all the right things to promise changes and a better effort, but now things are right back to how he used to be.

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Explosive behavior, silent treatments, terrible moods.

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It's as if he never meant anything he said in the beginning and he won't even discuss it or own it.

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I'm devastated. It's like I fell for it all over again.

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Is there any way I can break through? And I don't mean to sound insensitive or place all the blame on him.

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I've spent hundreds of dollars on counseling, reading books, etc.

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Trying my best to meet him halfway and be as loving and understanding as possible.

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He said he wanted to change and fix many things, but it lasted for only a few months.

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I know these are common issues and I welcome any help."

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My first word to you is that you are trying so hard I'm reading here that one sentence that jumped out at me so much Is, you said, I've tried to hold him together as much as I can.

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This is a very codependent thing to say.

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This is a codependent statement. And, which means you are, you're taking care of him.

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And, you are reading books.

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And, you're getting counseling. And, you're trying to understand him.

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And so you are totally showing up and, understanding this thing called Asperger's and you are just doing all the work I am a recovering codependent and so I've been there.

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I've walked these shoes right there with you and it's what we do.

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We are fixers and helpers and we come in and show up and help.

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And the thing is he has to do it himself.

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And if he doesn't. You can't.

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I'm hearing that "he said, all the right things to promise changes and a better effort."

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it may not be that he's saying the right things.

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It may be that he truly has, intentions that he wants to be in this relationship with you.

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And he wants to do what it takes to be in a relationship, but then he doesn't have these skills and it's not a matter of him just.

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Figuring out how and so he may have the best intentions, but he does not know how and traditional counseling is not going to fix this because traditional counseling is focused on emotions.

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We use terminology different and words different and traditional therapists are not trained in this.

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I know because I'm a traditional, I'm trained in all that.,

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this may not have been a bait and switch situation.

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But his explosive behaviors and silent treatments and moods, all this may be a result of him seriously not knowing how to do this.

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And so now, you're having the same relationship dynamic patterns just repeating itself over and over again.

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I see this constantly relationships.

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and then this is all assuming that he's truly on the spectrum and that's the actual dynamic that's happening.

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So what I really recommend, and this is what I really think is important for folks is get educated about it.

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Get educated about what autism and Asperger's really looks like.

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There are autistic men and women in this group and they will help you.

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And then the next part that's really, really critical and fundamental is to learn some communication skills.

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And that's, the second step that I highly recommend for everybody in this process is to, start redefining how you communicate to start understanding communication from a totally different Perspective Redefining how you communicate.

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It's the number one thing that you Struggle with is how you communicate so you cannot fix your relationship without fixing your communication I can't even count.

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how many couples I've worked with now.

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And it's just always there. we choose who we choose for a reason.

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And those of us who choose autistic partners, we choose them for a reason.

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And those of you who are autistic, choose! Those of us who are these capable, strong, independent, go getter, caregiver women and men, I don't want to leave out the men, because there's some men here who are married to women on the spectrum who are too.

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It's not just about the autism. We are in a relationship With someone who has autism for a reason and even if you choose to get out of this relationship If you don't take a look at your own codependency, you will go repeat it again with somebody else And so we have to look at ourselves, you guys, and what we brought to this and you're never gonna fix it unless you're willing to look at you too.