0:02

Hello and a very warm

0:04

welcome back to your friendly widowed

0:06

podcast. You're here with me, that's Rosie Gill-Moss,

0:08

and joining me I have the alive

0:10

husband.

0:11

Jonathan Gill-Moss with his dulcet northern

0:13

tones. That

0:14

was so close to being smooth until I nearly interrupted

0:17

you halfway through. That's alright. Slick. Slick,

0:19

man. So, yes, the

0:21

dynamic duo are back in our seats again,

0:23

and, I wanted, before we went any

0:25

further, actually, just to thank, some of the listeners

0:28

who reached out, because we did put out quite a,

0:30

a raw episode, and gave a little bit

0:32

of an insight into our own personal lives,

0:34

and the response was overwhelmingly

0:37

kind and supportive, and so many people,

0:40

and I'm thinking Dan Frost, so, like, men reaching

0:42

out to support you, and there

0:44

was, of course, The message,

0:47

claiming that you are now the favoured voice of

0:49

the podcast. No,

0:50

no, no, no, no, no. It was rapidly

0:52

catching up. Well, slow

0:54

down. Slow down. I can but try.

0:57

I've got, well, this is, this is my, this is, my purpose

0:59

is the speaking. You can't take that, you do the tech.

1:01

Cool by me.

1:05

Sorry, I was just having a drink of water because I forgot we were recording,

1:07

because our laptop's on open. Um,

1:10

so yes, thank you. And, uh,

1:12

we've had, we've had half terms since

1:15

I think we last put anything out. Yeah. And

1:17

we have, just

1:19

the kids went back to school today. So,

1:22

yeah, I think a lot of you were just embarking

1:24

on your half terms if you've got school aged

1:26

children, so Godspeed. Um, I

1:29

think this one is the bleakest. February

1:32

half term. There's just nothing to do. There's nothing

1:34

to do. We had one lovely sunny day,

1:36

and that happened to be the day we went down to Suffolk.

1:38

So we did have a nice day on the beach, and I saved a starfish,

1:41

just throwing that out there. Um,

1:44

I say on the beach, we walked along it. There

1:47

was no seaside activities, it

1:49

was bloody freezing. But yeah,

1:51

it's a really tricky one because if

1:53

you have sort of kids that are still

1:56

in that puppy age where they do need running

1:58

around, it's one thing taking

2:00

them out at Easter when it hopefully is kind

2:02

of decent weather, but to go out, uh,

2:04

well actually Tabby and I got soaked

2:06

to the underpants with mud. We

2:09

went to Jimmy's farm in Suffolk.

2:12

She excitedly rang towards

2:14

the animals and slipped and

2:16

sort of sat there completely in shock, covered

2:18

in mud. I tried to be a hero

2:21

and go and get her, and I could just feel

2:23

the slow motion of the fall. And

2:25

I thought to myself, and this is an indication of

2:27

what happens when you get past 40, Don't

2:29

try and save yourself, you'll only do more harm than

2:31

good.

2:32

This could be the fall. I keep talking about my

2:34

fall,

2:34

don't I? Accept that you're going to be at one with

2:36

the mud. And so I was,

2:38

and we walked around the whole of the farm coated

2:40

in mud. I was not my best

2:42

self, if I'm honest. And, um,

2:45

I then had to strip down at the car park. But there

2:47

you go, that's, that's a Mildly

2:50

entertaining anecdote that has nothing to do

2:52

with this podcast. Welcome to Halftime. Yeah, welcome

2:54

to Halftime. Welcome to Halftime. So this is

2:56

going to be episode 96,

2:58

which I think is quite something, uh,

3:01

that we have managed to show up and

3:03

sit down in front of the microphones 96

3:05

times. In fact, it's longer because we have some in the can

3:07

ready to go out. Well, you

3:09

have showed up 96 times, I'm probably halfway.

3:12

Well, I think that sometimes I have to be

3:14

encouraged. And

3:17

to record and I definitely

3:19

couldn't have done it without you. And

3:22

I also couldn't have done it without

3:24

the reminders of what we're doing because

3:27

I think it's quite easy

3:30

to forget, but we do the recordings

3:32

and they go out and we don't really have any idea

3:34

who's listening. Um,

3:36

I prefer to stay away from the figures because it'll

3:39

stress me out. And

3:41

when we first launched, obviously all your friends listen,

3:43

don't they? And you're getting constant feedback, but we,

3:46

within our sort of personal circles. We

3:48

don't get so much. But what

3:50

I am getting more of is messages from

3:52

people who have found us.

3:54

Or people are sending the podcast to.

3:56

Yeah. To

3:57

them saying this is good. Yeah, and this

3:59

is it. And it's, it's

4:01

really, I suppose it's kind of, it

4:04

makes you feel good. It does. To know

4:06

that through something

4:08

really, really shit happening. You're

4:10

able to use your experience

4:13

that you really didn't want to get, um,

4:15

to help somebody who might be floundering in those

4:17

first, you know, those first horrible,

4:20

not chicken and wine, uh, Well,

4:23

the initial shock. Yeah, sorry, I lost

4:25

the ability to speak then. Yeah, when

4:27

the, you know, when the world's been pulled away from you,

4:29

like, you know, we said if we'd have found,

4:32

like, a resource like this, just tapped

4:34

into the stories that are similar to yours to

4:36

start with. But then as you go through the rest

4:38

of the strives, you see the group, the

4:40

grouping and the way and the

4:42

similarities. And the arc,

4:44

John, I just really wanted to say that. The arc, yes. The arc, yeah,

4:46

the arc, because everybody that comes on here has

4:49

gone through a process and they have made a choice.

4:51

And I think, I may have said this before,

4:53

so forgive me if I'm repeating myself, it's hard to

4:55

be completely original, 96%. Um,

4:59

but I really thought that we would be appealing

5:01

to the people who were perhaps 4 or 5 years

5:03

plus into the business. Into their grief and

5:06

whilst they have obviously listened.

5:08

Um, We've also

5:11

found that a lot of people very early on have

5:13

have come to it because it does offer some hope

5:16

And really you just need a little glimmer of

5:18

hope in those early days. I think yeah,

5:20

most definitely And we've we've

5:23

learned a lot as well from listening to all your stories. I

5:25

certainly have edited them so much You've

5:27

never seen a grown man crying whilst trying to edit

5:29

a video. Um,

5:32

and, yes, Dan yours did

5:34

stick quite heavily in me. So, uh, yeah,

5:36

that was a, that was

5:38

a I don't want to say good episode because

5:41

it's about a rough part of your life. But, you

5:43

know, when you An important

5:45

episode.

5:45

Yeah, when you express your emotions and how

5:48

you're feeling and what it feels like to be

5:50

in that

5:50

area. Yeah, and also that you're,

5:53

I'm thinking, you know, for you as a man You

5:56

don't know anybody else, personally, whose wife has

5:58

died from cancer. Not in our inner

6:00

circle. Um, it does

6:02

seem that men die quicker. Uh, and

6:04

also, I think perhaps we're better at creating

6:06

networks. Women, I mean. Um. Oh, man,

6:09

I'm rubbish at that. So for you to then hear

6:12

an episode that is, has so many parallels

6:14

to your experience, it must

6:16

make you feel less alone. So, thank

6:19

you to everybody who is recommending us

6:21

and for everybody that's, that is still listening to

6:23

us. 96, 96. 96

6:28

episodes in. Which

6:31

leads me seamlessly to the fact that

6:33

we are approaching 100 episodes. We

6:35

are. Four episodes time.

6:39

That's not the reason we've slowed down the releases by

6:41

the way, that's just circumstances.

6:42

Yeah, and, and, but we are planning

6:44

to take the pressure off ourselves a little

6:47

and perhaps put out one every other week, um,

6:49

after we've done the hundred episodes because it

6:52

is a, um, it

6:55

is challenging actually to live.

6:59

With, walk somebody through their grief, and

7:01

I think I wouldn't be human if it didn't take

7:03

some degree of toll on, on me emotionally.

7:07

And actually I would like to

7:09

do some other things as well alongside it. I'll

7:12

always be a widow and I will always care so deeply

7:14

about the network I've created

7:16

and I'm no, no plans to stop doing this.

7:18

No. I will stop when you guys stop listening or sharing

7:21

your stories. It, it goes on

7:23

as long as you want me to. But,

7:26

and it's really difficult to broach this subject, actually.

7:28

But we have made a choice that we've not put advertising

7:31

on it. And at the time we, we, hand

7:33

on heart, had no idea how big it would be. So

7:37

We stand by that commitment. We're not

7:39

going to put adverts on people's

7:42

stories. Um, however,

7:44

we are going to look into putting

7:46

some on these episodes, the chatty episodes.

7:49

Because I like to think of

7:52

the last year as kind of an apprenticeship

7:54

and learning a new skill. And it's

7:56

been a, an honour, a pleasure,

7:59

a huge privilege to be able to do this. But

8:02

I just didn't want you guys to suddenly

8:04

tune in and find that we've stuck advertising

8:07

on and for it to be a bit of a jolt to you. I

8:09

wanted to explain why. Um,

8:12

but yeah, even the hosting platforms, the platforms

8:14

we use to distribute, they all cost money.

8:16

Yeah. And There

8:18

does come a point where we have to think, okay, at

8:21

some point we've got, it's becoming, I

8:23

don't want to call it a job because like I say, it's, he's

8:25

a honour, but it's,

8:28

nobody would expect us to work for free.

8:30

I don't think. Especially

8:32

as the, as the workload increases. Yes.

8:34

And it has increased. And we, I, to be honest,

8:36

if you told me I was still going to be doing this a

8:38

year's time back last January, I would

8:41

have. I've been very, very surprised,

8:44

but I love it. I love meeting,

8:46

in inverted commas, all of you. And I'm, I,

8:49

yeah, it's been, it's been

8:51

wonderful. I feel like I'm doing my goodbye

8:53

speech. We should maybe save

8:55

this for episode 100, maybe.

8:58

Yeah, should I shut up? I'm joking, I'm I shut

9:00

up? Um, well, anyway, so what I'm saying

9:02

is, as we, um, Approach

9:04

the, the end of our, of our centennial

9:06

episodes. We're going to, um,

9:09

we're going to kind of celebrate what, what we have achieved

9:11

here. And by we, I mean, everybody has

9:13

been on the podcast, not just John and I. So,

9:15

um, prepare for some big

9:17

emotions probably coming from me, because

9:20

I think the magnitude of what we've done here is dawning

9:23

on me that, you know, to consistently

9:25

put out a hundred episodes talking about,

9:28

um, you know, sharing these stories that haven't

9:30

really got a platform. I think.

9:33

I'm going, I'm not very good at giving myself,

9:35

uh, credit, but actually I'm proud of

9:37

myself for doing it because I'm,

9:43

I've always struggled with sticking at things and,

9:46

you know, I've managed to get plenty of good jobs,

9:48

but have not managed to retain many. And

9:51

so this, this kind

9:53

of seed that we've nurtured, um,

9:55

into something really quite special. So,

9:57

anyway, I've, I realise that this probably would be better

10:00

contained in the, the hundredth episode,

10:02

but, um, what can you do? The brain Wants

10:04

to tell you what the brain wants to tell you and the mouth

10:06

obeys.

10:07

Exactly, and that's the beauty of this podcast is, um,

10:10

you get what you're given.

10:11

And I think the, uh, subheading for my

10:13

personal podcast is going to be the contents of a scattered

10:15

mind, which is a little bit of

10:17

plagiarism from Gay Blah blah blah.

10:20

Um, which is a book about ADHD

10:22

for anybody that's not as much of a nerd on these

10:24

things as me.

10:27

Right, so instead of galloping four weeks ahead,

10:29

I'm going to drag you guys back into the present and

10:31

just talk a little bit about Leah's

10:34

episode which went out last Monday.

10:37

So it's Analia, but I kind of know her as Leah

10:39

because, uh, as we discussed in the episode,

10:42

we were members, and still are members, of

10:44

the Hot Young Widows Club.

10:47

It's not called that anymore, it's the group

10:49

formerly Attractive Middle Aged Widows

10:51

now, yeah. We moved with the times. And

10:55

As regular listeners

10:57

will know, we all joined the group around 2018,

11:00

and the group was subsequently closed. So it's

11:03

quite a small community of people,

11:05

and we've all been on a similar trajectory,

11:07

so we're all hitting six years around this year.

11:10

And it's meant that I

11:12

know people on a very superficial

11:14

level, but I have a real fondness and

11:16

affection for every Um,

11:19

this group because you've watched

11:21

them, you know, climb out, you've watched them get

11:23

knocked back down again. So

11:26

every time I get to speak to one of the members of this group,

11:28

it does feel a little bit special, actually,

11:30

and this episode was no

11:33

exception. Um,

11:37

now there was a couple of points

11:39

that I thought would be quite interesting

11:41

to talk about today. Um, and

11:43

for you John, I feel like

11:45

I'm going to pack some of you. She

11:48

Her and Steve were

11:51

childhood sweethearts. Yeah. And it

11:53

made me think about you and Sarah. Because

11:55

you guys were really young when you met, weren't you? We were

11:57

quite

11:57

close. I was 21, she was 17.

12:00

Do not judge me. I met her in a nightclub.

12:02

She said she was 18. I

12:03

think that, I think that's okay. When I was 17, my boyfriend

12:05

was 28. He

12:09

had told me he was 23, and only

12:11

confessed when we flew out to my parents,

12:13

who was living in Russia at the time, and

12:15

had to do, um, obviously had to give his date of birth,

12:17

and that's how my parents found out that

12:19

he was not Twenty three. Twenty

12:21

three. That was

12:23

Darren, by the way, if anybody knows me that well. Um,

12:26

and I guess I wanted to ask

12:28

you a little bit about, because, about

12:32

the idea of growing up with somebody

12:34

and then losing them before their time,

12:37

because you've

12:39

been part of everything that

12:42

they've gone through. Because seventeen through

12:44

to thirty seven, gosh,

12:46

that's a long time to be with someone,

12:47

right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean,

12:50

I, uh, it was, uh, twenty

12:53

years, one month, and one day. It's the

12:55

same. The times and dates

12:58

are burnt into your mind Um,

13:00

and, you know, as I was talking

13:03

about in my counselling session, we

13:05

always used to do these straight after my

13:06

counselling. Oh, we've both been counselling

13:08

today. A couple of the councils

13:10

together. We were talking about, you know, that I I

13:12

was with Sarah all the way, she went off to university.

13:15

Um, and I always say, like, I had a full

13:18

time salary job with

13:20

the university crowd. I used to drive to Liverpool

13:22

every weekend on the M62

13:24

and then off the M62 and back on the M62.

13:26

For the ones who know, you know.

13:30

I'm just looking really blankly at you. Yeah,

13:32

um, maybe I'll drive you in one day.

13:34

It's weird because you stay on the M62

13:37

and never come off it. That is not

13:39

an offer. Like, I might take you to the

13:41

M62. Jesus, you

13:44

took me to Italy on our first train.

13:45

Yeah, how the mighty have fallen,

13:48

eh? Um, and then I,

13:50

you know, uh, uh, leaving university.

13:52

And as she left university and came

13:54

back from Liverpool to sunny Darfield,

13:57

which nothing happens much in Darfield,

14:00

she then going to sell in houses. Um,

14:02

I was then working for watch finder.

14:05

Um, they would get busy. I was from my bedroom

14:07

and I'm like, so I moved to Maidstone. And

14:10

we looked, we came down, um, Stu

14:12

put us up in the Hilton, which was fancy.

14:14

It's not even a Hilton anymore, but it was fancy.

14:17

We went out, got absolutely. So

14:19

drunk, had a great night. Woke

14:22

up the next morning, drove around Kings Hill. Went, this

14:24

is a bit Stretford Wives. And

14:26

then found a flat. Put an offer on the flat

14:28

that day. Wow! Went up, back

14:30

up north, put the house up for sale. Completed

14:33

on the flat and sold the house. Completed on the same

14:35

day and then moved down to Maidstone. Um,

14:38

and I remember her dad like, Yeah, you two

14:40

are crazy.

14:41

I actually didn't know that. Did

14:44

you? No, so I get to learn things on

14:46

the podcast about you too. Um.

14:49

I like that, that you just made a real

14:51

spare of the moment decision.

14:53

There was nothing happening up north. Um, and,

14:55

you know, sometimes you've got to move to, to

14:57

do it. And, you know, what's funny was interesting, it

14:59

was, it was very early days.

15:02

Um, and they, I

15:04

think they just moved from like a tiny office into

15:06

what became the H Q.

15:08

For, well, as long as I was there, they, they

15:11

got rid of it as I, um,

15:12

quit. I've just got to say though, you do make

15:15

buying and selling properties sound incredibly

15:17

easy.

15:18

It's not. As you've seen.

15:21

Oh God, don't,

15:22

don't. We've, we've,

15:24

oh. Yes. There's a re Sorry,

15:27

I have a really horrible cough. Yeah.

15:29

So I apologise for

15:30

the coughing. I'm just recoiling in horror across

15:32

the other side of the table. Also, there's a slight,

15:35

um, Is irony the right

15:37

word? I don't want to be doing an Alanis Morissette here, but you

15:39

looked at a house in Kings Hill, which is five

15:41

minutes from where we live. Yes. That's nuts, isn't it? Mm.

15:43

Yeah. Um, yeah, and

15:45

the weird thing is that the pub that is next door to

15:47

us, The Swan, that's where we had all

15:49

the company meetings. Towards

15:52

the, the, the end of it you know, you

15:55

know, the Richemont lot would fly in and

15:57

we'd take them there. Right, so

15:58

it's, there's a lot of business. Business.

16:01

There's a lot of business stuff in there. Lots of business, lots

16:03

of clipboards and gilets.

16:05

Um, but what I was actually talking to with

16:07

my counsellor was about Sarah's dad. Mm.

16:09

Because he, not

16:12

very quickly, but over

16:15

the space of three or four years, probably when she went through university,

16:18

um, he saw a

16:20

bit. Came my surrogate dad,

16:23

uh, and we'd do the thing, we'd go out for,

16:25

uh, beers. And

16:27

we wouldn't just go out for beers, we'd go out for beers. And

16:29

I have stories, but they're not

16:30

for public. I know, one of the stories, it's

16:32

gross.

16:33

Um, and then, you know,

16:36

we, because we struggled so hard

16:38

to try and have a baby, then we eventually got Holly,

16:40

but four weeks before Holly was born.

16:43

Um, he died from the same thing that killed Sarah.

16:46

Hmm. Um, and I remember, I

16:48

now recognize what I felt after that, which was grief.

16:51

But I didn't recognize, I just felt everything was a bit lonely

16:53

and a bit empty. And I could never

16:55

really understand what it was, but now I understand what

16:57

it

16:58

was. Yeah, because you presumably

17:00

would have been, um, your primary focus

17:02

would have been supporting Sarah through losing her dad.

17:05

Yeah. And the fact that there was a new baby imminent.

17:07

And We, actually,

17:09

it's something that does come up and it's not feeling

17:12

that you are entitled to feel the grief.

17:14

Yes. And actually, oh God,

17:16

look at that. I wasn't even planning to talk about this.

17:18

It's just, it's coming to me on the spot. But,

17:22

you hear this sometimes, oh I, I'm not,

17:24

it's like you don't feel entitled to grieve.

17:26

Well, sometimes, shit

17:28

just really hurts, right? Yeah. And it

17:31

doesn't, I, so

17:35

somebody I knew died, from back, back home

17:37

died, not that long ago. And, I,

17:40

I keep saying I see,

17:42

thinking I see her at places and stuff and we weren't close

17:45

anymore. But you were close.

17:47

And you can't explain why, why

17:50

grief will hit you in the way it does. Um,

17:52

and I actually, I think this idea of,

17:54

uh, hierarchical grief is really

17:57

wrong. Because, you

17:59

know, some siblings will feel the grief

18:01

far more strongly than a spouse. Some

18:04

friends will feel it far more strongly than a parent.

18:06

You know, it, it depends on what your

18:09

I'm saying family in, in the, in the loosest

18:11

of terms because for a lot of people, their friends

18:13

or their in-laws or their stepparents,

18:16

or who, they, they are actually the,

18:18

the center of their family. Mm-Hmm.

18:20

But the difference with widowed grief.

18:22

Mm-Hmm. the grief element

18:24

is the same. But

18:27

all your plans have gone as well. Oh yeah. And that,

18:29

that, that particular element of it, when

18:31

you hook it into the grief, is what smashes us

18:33

to bits. Absolutely, and I spoke

18:36

to a really nice young woman, um,

18:38

oh gosh, I think it was only this week, maybe Friday, I

18:40

can't remember, that they all blur a bit when half term's

18:42

on, and shit, they didn't have children,

18:44

and I was talking to her about, you know, the

18:46

kind of idea, and I'm guilty

18:48

of this, where I, you know, if somebody didn't have children,

18:52

you sort of assume that their loss was

18:54

not as I

18:57

feel very, uh, I don't like

18:59

saying that, but having now spoken

19:01

to a lot of people who don't

19:03

have children and lost their person, I

19:06

now realise that actually that's

19:08

quite a lonely place to land. Yeah, it is,

19:10

because, and you haven't got the immediate

19:13

destruction that our children because they don't give you

19:15

any. You haven't got a chance to wallow. And

19:16

also, um, how did you find your

19:18

reason? Yeah, totally, and I,

19:20

I, I've really sort of,

19:23

yeah, shifted how I feel, think about that.

19:26

Um, and you're right, when it, when it's the loss of a spouse

19:28

or a, your life partner that you love,

19:31

it, yes, other people

19:33

will be grieving, but for you, it is,

19:35

it's the loss of everything. It's not just

19:38

the, just, I use that term loosely,

19:40

the person, it's all the Subsequent

19:42

losses, and we talk a lot about

19:44

the share keeper of the memories. Yeah. And

19:47

how, you know, you sometimes want

19:49

to go, Oh, do you remember? And they're

19:51

not there. You can't. So just to

19:53

go back again into, um, Analia's episode,

19:56

She lost her husband suddenly.

19:59

Um, he died in the house. She heard a

20:01

very sudden thump, and, and he was, he was

20:03

dead. And she recalled

20:06

with this kind of crystalline recall,

20:08

Huh. I used the same word twice. Um,

20:11

the timeline, the date, and the hours, and

20:14

it was between 12 and 2 that day. I can remember

20:16

her saying that. And it's like,

20:18

burnt into her. Um, and

20:20

again, see, that doesn't always happen, does

20:23

it? No. I can remember,

20:25

I know the date. I know the approximate

20:27

time. I could check the police report and get

20:30

the correct time. Yeah.

20:32

I had the time tattooed on my arm.

20:33

Yeah. Um. And

20:36

it's Some people remember every

20:39

second of that time,

20:41

and other people it's a complete blur. I'm

20:45

a mix. I can remember the police

20:47

knocking at the door, but after that it gets

20:49

a bit hazy. Um, and the

20:51

order of things and how long it took people to get to me

20:53

and stuff. Um, but I think shock

20:56

does terrible things to your brain

20:58

and to your memory, which I'm not

21:00

entirely sure.

21:03

Short term memories haven't recovered. But the thing is, you got the

21:05

knock at the door and everything changed,

21:08

like, in a heartbeat. Whereas,

21:11

I got the call in the morning. We

21:13

knew it was coming because we'd been told two weeks before.

21:16

We didn't know when, but I got the call in the morning and then had to

21:18

sit and, sit and wait for

21:21

someone

21:21

to pass. And would you say that

21:23

So, you

21:26

can't ask the question, because I was sort of going to say,

21:28

Do you feel that you

21:31

It's less of a shock because you know it's happening

21:33

and you've almost, this anticipatory

21:35

grief has already begun. But

21:38

I guess it's not a question you can really answer

21:41

unless you've lost two spouses, one

21:43

suddenly and one slowly.

21:44

And one, one to the shock. No, I, uh, I,

21:47

if I'm honest, wouldn't want the shock that

21:49

you've had. Because,

21:55

even, even

21:57

though I was expect, even though we were expecting

21:59

and waiting for it. Like, when it happened,

22:02

it still shocked me anyway. Yeah. But

22:04

to have that, and open the door, and then suddenly

22:06

that's it, your life changed. Forever. And there's nothing

22:08

you can do about it. Um, as

22:10

opposed to sitting, knowing

22:12

your life's gonna change, at some point,

22:15

probably this weekend. Yeah. And there's

22:17

nothing you can do about it, but I think the, the

22:20

punch in the gut, you have no time to prepare. And

22:22

that will cause a trauma, quite

22:23

heavy. I think you're right, and, and,

22:25

I'm, as I'm listening to you say this, I'm

22:28

thinking about, you know, um, there's, we always, But

22:31

I didn't have to watch Ben suffer. You know, I didn't

22:33

watch this big, strong man deteriorate.

22:36

Um, but I think you're right. And I think,

22:38

again, the,

22:40

the impact of just your life

22:43

changing on a tuppence. Ooh,

22:45

that's an old fashioned expression. On

22:47

a, on a I don't know, in a second,

22:49

in literally a second, the second or the five

22:52

seconds it takes for them to ask you if you're the wife

22:54

of or the husband of, you know

22:56

that your life has ceased

22:58

to exist as you know it. And I think

23:01

that does leave a lasting impact

23:04

and it's really

23:06

difficult when you're trying to survive

23:08

all the additional stuff that goes with the

23:10

sudden loss or any loss

23:13

to, to kind of remember. That

23:15

you suffered this enormous jolt

23:18

in your reality. It just shifted

23:21

So one of the treatments to help

23:23

you get to this crux of this is

23:25

um I don't know

23:28

what it's, electronic ID,

23:30

EDMR, I can never remember if it's EMDR

23:33

or EDMR. And Lulu, my

23:36

best friend and former co host

23:38

of the pod, she has been

23:40

through this process. And has

23:42

been, you know, suggesting in

23:44

fairly strong terms that I would benefit from it

23:46

for quite some time. And I've I've

23:49

not been certain, um, that I was quite

23:52

strong enough because it can be, you're

23:54

going to revisit trauma, but

23:56

I have decided I'm going to do it.

23:58

and I have a, or at least I'm going to explore

24:01

it. And I've got a face-to-face consultation with

24:03

a therapist. Uh, Thursday.

24:06

Thursday. Um, and I think

24:08

what I'm going to do is I'm gonna bring

24:10

you guys along with me, uh, not literally,

24:12

because that will be really weird. Uh, and I'm not

24:14

gonna film it or anything like that. I, but

24:16

what I am going to do is I'm going to, if I feel able

24:19

to, I'm gonna talk to you about what went on.

24:21

Mm-Hmm. Um, how, how

24:23

I'm, I didn't plan to do this, actually, I'm just dropping this on

24:25

you in the middle of the it's episodes. Um.

24:28

And just kind of talk you through

24:30

Yeah. What, what, what happens, what it feels

24:32

like, what, how it feels like afterwards. Um,

24:34

what it costs it all. I'm gonna give

24:36

you as much as I can because

24:40

I feel quite apprehensive about it,

24:42

and I've been talking to Lula, but she did it several,

24:44

well, she did it about seven years ago when her husband

24:46

died. So, yeah.

24:49

I, I'm, I think I'm gonna,

24:51

we're gonna do this kind of together, as it were,

24:53

and I'll let you. You listeners,

24:55

um, know how I find it because

24:59

yeah, the fear of the unknown is exactly that it's a

25:01

fear and This

25:03

is my year of conquering fears. So

25:05

I'm gonna Put my camouflage

25:08

and my war paint on and go meet this therapist.

25:12

I Think when you get the first one done you'll be

25:15

Yeah, and I think I'll know fairly

25:17

instantly if it's something I want to do

25:20

I'm going in I'm hoping

25:22

that, yeah, with the anticipation

25:25

that we're going to start the process. But I'm

25:27

also prepared to not start the process

25:29

if she feels it will be detrimental. Yeah.

25:31

Because you have to be quite gentle with

25:33

your fragile, broken heart. Don't

25:36

you? Yeah. Yeah.

25:37

You do. You do.

25:39

I have only one

25:42

more thing to tell

25:44

you. And that

25:46

is I have had the proof through for the

25:48

Woodstock tickets. And they are Beautiful.

25:52

Um, we've got a couple of tweaks to make, we've

25:54

got John has got, to set

25:56

up the ticketing website

25:59

and as soon as that's done, which we're hoping

26:01

to do by the end of this month, Woodstock

26:03

tickets will be available. And for

26:06

those of you who have missed it on Instagram, I am modeling

26:08

our first little piece of merchandise. It's a very

26:10

sexy sun visor. You'll have

26:12

to ask John why that was the first piece

26:14

of merchandise you won.

26:16

No, that was just the first one that came through. We

26:18

have hoodies, we have, um,

26:21

short hoodies, we have notebooks,

26:23

we have

26:24

And we've got loads of different price ranges as well,

26:26

because we're aware that for many of

26:29

you out there in the current economic

26:31

climate anyway, but for a lot of widowed people finances

26:34

are difficult. So what we're not trying to do is flog

26:36

you sort of 70 quid t shirts. We're going to try

26:39

and keep, um, keep

26:41

the costs as low as we possibly can. But, you

26:43

know, I refer you to

26:45

Look, I'll be honest, I'll be honest. Everything that's going

26:47

to come out first is print on demand. Once

26:49

we see what you guys like and buy, then we'll hold stock,

26:51

we can bring the prices down. Um,

26:54

but it, it, we don't want to be stuck with

26:56

a load of hoodies that no one wants.

26:58

So we'll try many different designs, and then

27:00

when we find the ones that sell, we'll, we'll get

27:03

them

27:03

made and we are going

27:05

to need a couple of you to volunteer yourselves

27:08

to be models. If we have a massive

27:10

influx, we'll, we'll draw people at random.

27:13

But, um, and I'm not, I'm talking,

27:15

you know, if you've got a body.

27:18

You can wear our clothes, right? We're

27:21

not, um, we're not looking for Kate Moss here.

27:23

Although, if anybody, if she's listening.

27:26

I mean, we never know. Is anyone

27:28

famous listening?

27:30

Oh my god, that was such a witch's castle. Anyway,

27:33

I will leave you on that note. Um,

27:37

keep listening, please. Keep spreading

27:39

the word. And we'll be back with you,

27:42

um, we'll put out an episode on Monday, which will be

27:44

episode 97. Take

27:47

care, everybody. Bye bye.