0:00

Why won't

0:02

you date me? Why

0:10

won't you date me? Why

0:12

won't you date me? Please

0:14

tell me why. Oh

0:23

baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't

0:25

You Date Me? The podcast for me Nicole

0:27

Byer was trying to figure out why I'm

0:29

still single, but honestly nobody knows so now

0:31

I'm just talking to people about love and

0:33

stuff and how I'm still sad I'm single

0:35

but like I'm no longer, it's not a

0:37

mystery. Anyway, my

0:40

guest today is a very funny comedian who's open

0:42

for me. She's so funny, she's

0:44

really wonderful. Sometimes people think she

0:46

is me when she gets on stage which is wild

0:48

because she's got big old honking titties and I ain't

0:51

got none. It's Liz Barlow!

0:53

Yay! I'm

0:55

here, me and my titties are here.

1:00

Liz how are you? I'm good,

1:02

I'm ready for chrysalis. Are you ready for

1:05

Christmas? Do you have your mug? I

1:07

do have my mug, I'm very, I should have

1:09

brought it to the recording and drank out of

1:11

it but I was not thinking. Liz

1:15

got me a Santa mug, a black Santa mug

1:17

which is appropriate because

1:19

I'm black. Wait,

1:25

okay so Liz, this is, we're recording this

1:27

before Christmas but it's gonna come out closer

1:29

to New Year's. What do you want for

1:31

Christmas? What was your Christmas wish?

1:34

I'm such a 30 year old woman,

1:36

I asked my mother for a Dutch

1:39

oven and I was hella

1:41

serious. I keep watching

1:43

pot roast recipes and

1:46

I'm like why don't I have

1:48

a Dutch oven? I can't properly make pot

1:50

roast for anybody. That is very

1:52

funny. What kind of

1:54

Dutch oven did you ask for? for

2:00

a la cruz. I did

2:02

not ask for a la cruz-et

2:04

because my family is poor. So

2:11

I asked for maybe a la cruz-et.

2:14

Okay, okay, I do

2:17

like all days. Yes, okay. A little

2:19

a la cruz, or a little burning

2:21

tone. C'est la cruz. I

2:25

don't know, I'm not sure if you've heard of it. It's

2:27

very French. So that's what I asked for. Burning tone,

2:29

cole factory. I've

2:32

dabbled a little bit, you know?

2:36

So that's a, do you have any gifts that you

2:38

want? Okay, I just want

2:40

a man. So I decorated for

2:42

Christmas. I have two, no, four

2:44

miniature little trees. And then

2:46

in the checkout of Michael's, there

2:50

was a hot chocolate, like perfect man

2:52

that you like put in the hot

2:54

milk and he melts. But he's

2:56

not in hot milk. He's just in

2:58

his package. So I'm trying to manifest the

3:01

perfect man along with a nice Christmas. It's

3:04

devastating. I hate it. It's

3:07

embarrassing. People come to my house and I'm like, what is this?

3:09

And I'm like, don't worry about that. I'm just trying

3:11

to make the perfect man appear. But

3:14

for New Year's, I'm trying

3:16

to like, I think my resolution is to

3:18

step out of my comfort zone and do things

3:20

and meet people. I'm like, I don't want to.

3:23

That seems disgusting. Liz, wait,

3:25

are you dating right now? My

3:28

dating life is literally the saddest

3:31

thing you've ever seen. You saw that

3:33

text message. I said, you were Chrissy.

3:36

And I loved it. I

3:40

thought it was great. This man

3:42

was like, you are the sun, you rise. When

3:45

the sun sets, I set because

3:47

you are my sun. I was like,

3:49

this is some poetry. This is great.

3:52

You know, I have dated poets. I was engaged

3:54

to a poet. It was, yeah.

3:58

But my dating life. now, like,

4:01

what I responded to that text

4:03

message with, thank you for

4:06

your kind words. And

4:09

that was it. That was it.

4:11

Yeah. And then he took the

4:13

initiative for the next day, longer paragraph,

4:16

more emojis. And

4:19

I just didn't respond. And so

4:21

now I am

4:24

very, very, very, very

4:26

single. But like, are

4:28

you, you're okay being

4:30

single? Or no? No, no,

4:33

I would love to have a

4:35

partner. Then why, why not respond to the

4:37

emoji man? I guess we're not

4:40

desperate. You know, I

4:42

just heard myself. I said, why don't you

4:45

respond to the emoji man? And then I

4:47

instantly had the answer. I was like, because

4:49

I'm calling him the emoji man. That's why

4:51

we're not responding to him. I would

4:54

love a partner. I would love to date.

4:56

I would love to go on dates as

4:58

such nice clothes. I would love to

5:00

wear them outside of going on stage.

5:03

But they're men every time I

5:06

just downloaded hinge just for like

5:08

24 hours. Uh huh.

5:10

To have everyone's

5:12

grandfather, you know,

5:14

match with me. I'm 33. My

5:16

father is 53. I

5:22

don't want to date men my father's age.

5:25

Yeah, I get that.

5:27

I recently went to this like party

5:30

where my friend's

5:32

dad was like, I got him

5:34

a glass of wine to be nice. And then

5:36

he said thank you. And then he stared at me and was

5:38

like, you're so pretty. You

5:41

have such a pretty face. And I was like, oh,

5:44

no, I don't want this. I

5:47

don't want this at all. But you know,

5:49

it was like the witching hour where old

5:51

white men find me deeply attractive. It's

5:53

so weird. It happens at like

5:56

weddings, part, truly anywhere where an old white

5:58

man's having a drink. He's like, ah, Ah, you

6:01

remind me of that lady in the 70s

6:03

that I like almost had sex with, but

6:05

I didn't get a chance to and I

6:07

married this dumb white, but I'm going to

6:09

hit on you and make you uncomfortable. It

6:11

happens all the time. White

6:13

men? No, I've never been hit on by

6:15

a white man in my life. Really? Or

6:18

maybe I just don't know because like white men, they

6:21

don't, you know, black men, it's very specific. They're,

6:23

you know, like, hey, can I be a number,

6:25

you're so beautiful, blah, blah, blah. I

6:27

feel like white men are like, uh, you're picking

6:29

up the sourdough, huh? And I'm like, is that,

6:31

is that it? You

6:35

have to say something, Jim. I don't know

6:37

that sourdough is code for you trying to

6:39

take me out. Oh,

6:42

you're picking up the

6:44

sourdough. That got

6:46

me real good. I

6:49

don't, Jim, I don't know that baby.

6:51

You gotta say something. I

6:55

feel like, I don't know, the white men that

6:57

hit on me have been like pretty open about it. Like

7:00

my friend's dad was just staring at me

7:02

and was like, man, you have a beautiful face.

7:04

He also said, I can't wait to start. Wait, what

7:06

do you say? He was like, I can't

7:08

wait to get on Instagram and like the things

7:10

you post. And I was like, okay. Martin,

7:14

please. I was like, I gotta

7:16

get out of here. Okay. Goodbye.

7:21

Wait, so are you, you're not on hinge

7:23

anymore or after 24 hours,

7:25

I had to go. I had to go because

7:27

I just, I don't

7:30

know what it is all this year. I had been on

7:32

one date this year. Okay. Which is

7:34

very unusual for me. I

7:37

have not had sex all year.

7:40

I mean, I think the last time I

7:42

had sex was in January and it's

7:45

the end of the year. I

7:48

am so horny in a way

7:50

that like, I am

7:53

angry. Yeah. Sometimes

7:55

I'll start masturbating and then get angry. Cause

7:57

I'm like, ah, I hate that. I have

7:59

to. keep doing this alone.

8:02

Oh, 1000%. I'm

8:06

just like, I think what happens, cause

8:08

they tell you like, as a woman, your sex

8:10

drive is going to increase as you get older.

8:12

Right? What they don't tell you

8:14

is by the time that happens, you also

8:16

have sent. So

8:19

the people you would have slept

8:21

with, you're like, oh, that's a bad

8:23

idea. That's not for me anymore. And

8:26

so now it doesn't match. So now you're just

8:28

in the house, sensually trying

8:30

to wash dishes. Like it's just

8:33

dumb stuff. Just like

8:35

kind of rub your sides together as you're

8:37

like washing the dishes. And you're like, maybe

8:39

this will do something. Maybe this will be

8:42

exciting. Oh,

8:44

it's depressing. And I've

8:47

tried watching porn and I've had to take a

8:49

break from porn. And now

8:51

I'm just doing like memory recall and

8:53

that's depressing as well. And I'm just

8:55

like, I need, I

8:58

need somebody, the apps aren't working. Everybody

9:01

on Tinder is disgusting. Like some of

9:03

the most horrific people I've ever seen in my whole

9:05

life. Hinge, I'm not

9:07

matching with anybody on Hinge. Raya,

9:09

they don't want a fat black lady

9:11

on Raya. What

9:13

else am I on? Oh, Bumble,

9:16

men hate me on Bumble. Like

9:18

they actually hate me. I

9:22

will match with somebody. I

9:24

don't know. I will match with someone and then go,

9:26

hey, I saw in your profile

9:28

that you like flying kites

9:30

and then they'll unmatch me. And

9:33

I'm like, did I say something? I saw

9:35

that on your profile. I'm just

9:37

saying something I noticed about you. And

9:39

then you reward me by unmatching me.

9:41

It happens every single time.

9:45

I could just say hello and they'll unmatch me.

9:47

And I don't know what I've done. Yeah,

9:50

men hate me on Bumble. Oh

9:53

my God. Do you tell people on

9:55

the apps that you're no coal buyer?

9:57

Like your stand up comic? No. No,

10:00

I left him discover that later and

10:04

also I've like said

10:06

on this podcast numerous times and I'm like, oh I

10:08

hate it when people tell me on the apps that

10:10

they know Who I am. Yeah, I've also said numerous

10:12

times. I hate when people say in person that they

10:14

know who I am Yeah, so it's like when do

10:16

you tell me? I think it's

10:19

like when the vibe is right and I'm

10:21

when I like you I don't care how

10:23

you tell me but like the vibes are

10:25

never they're always wrong. I I everybody

10:28

out there Liz is bad and But

10:31

listen, I think 2024 is gonna be

10:33

my year. I genuinely believe this and

10:36

I think I'm gonna be fucking

10:38

I think the career is gonna be popping I think

10:40

yeah, I think they're gonna be good and I

10:43

really think I'm gonna find a partner who's like

10:45

down to like Down

10:47

the clown and down to love me.

10:50

Oh I

10:54

Tell people I'm Nicole by her own. Yes, so I do

10:57

you really know That would be

10:59

so funny if you did I would genuinely

11:02

be like keep doing it Um,

11:06

I told men that I'm Batman I

11:08

say Gotham at night And

11:11

it doesn't matter like I had a picture I was

11:13

on bumble for a little while and I had a picture

11:15

of me at the improv Holding

11:18

a microphone and men would be

11:20

like, oh wow. So how long you

11:22

been singing? You're saying you

11:24

do poetry I'm

11:27

like One more

11:29

come on. We are there baby one

11:31

other thing I could be doing Oh

11:35

your motivational speaker That's

11:38

so funny. They're like, oh you do

11:40

the subway announcements Were

11:44

you doing a raffle at your kids school like no

11:46

I Do

11:48

stand up and I think men get

11:51

so Weird about

11:53

women that are funny Mm-hmm

11:56

Because you always have the potential to be funny

11:58

and men are like especially ugly

12:00

men are like, well, if I'm

12:02

ugly, I have to be funny. But if

12:04

she's already funny, what am I gonna provide?

12:06

And it's like, well, there's nothing you can

12:09

really provide. So that's, we're just chatting, pal.

12:12

Okay, we're just having a conversation.

12:15

So I tell people I'm Batman. I refuse

12:17

to tell these men that I do stand

12:19

up. That's very funny that you say

12:21

that you're Batman. I'm sure like some man

12:23

was like, oh, that makes me so

12:25

horny. I fucking love Batman. I

12:30

just watched all of the Batmans

12:34

and every iteration of it. Yeah,

12:36

I watched like the 1989 Batman, Batman Returns,

12:41

Batman Forever, Batman and Robin. And

12:44

honestly, aside from the Christopher Nolan

12:46

ones and the Robert Pattinson one, which

12:49

I really, really liked, the best one

12:51

is Batman and Robin. It is fully

12:53

unhinged. Oh yeah. Every choice that they

12:55

could have made, they made. Every

12:58

bad choice. They were like, we're

13:00

gonna do that. And it's one

13:02

of my favorite movies. It's completely

13:04

ridiculous. It's so fucking funny. Wait,

13:07

what kind of man are you looking for, Liz?

13:12

Team. I

13:15

really value kindness. Kindness

13:17

to me is a decision that

13:19

you make even if other

13:21

people aren't nice. So

13:25

I value kindness and

13:27

honesty, and even

13:29

if it's brutal. And

13:32

I value a person that is

13:34

fair. Like don't

13:37

be a butthole just because you can.

13:39

How can you give me grace and

13:45

give yourself grace at the same time? So

13:48

that's, I don't feel like that. Ridiculous.

13:51

No, I think that's rather simple.

13:55

It's a pretty easy ask, but then there's

13:58

people out there who are not. kind and

14:00

not nice and assholes and it's

14:03

just like, oh, I

14:05

gotta like weave through the assholes to find someone who like

14:07

just genuinely wants to be nice

14:09

to me. Yeah. Or now

14:11

I have to like wade

14:14

through men who don't have

14:16

any preconceived notions about like

14:19

single moms because as Nicole knows

14:21

that I'm a solo mom of

14:23

a two and a half year

14:25

old. She's very cute. She's truly

14:27

adorable. She's adorable.

14:30

But she's a menace. However, beyond

14:33

that, like dealing with men

14:35

who think like, oh,

14:37

I can give her less because she's a single

14:39

mom and she's just looking for somebody to fill

14:42

the void. It's like, no, I could just be

14:44

alone. I don't need you

14:47

like to fill in any

14:49

space. And then also

14:51

constantly dealing with the same shit that I've

14:53

been dealing with since I started dating, which

14:56

is being a fat black girl and always

14:59

having to look out for

15:01

signs. Are you a fetishizer?

15:03

Are you a

15:06

chubby chaser? Are you a

15:08

guy that's gonna treat me, try to treat me

15:10

less because I'm a fat girl and you think,

15:12

well, she should just be happy to have someone.

15:14

So I don't have

15:18

the capacity or the time to wave through all

15:20

of that. And then you just

15:22

have to wade through the weirdos that send you

15:24

back to back paragraph text messages with

15:27

emoji and punctuation.

15:31

I dated this guy who

15:33

he kept sending me the purple devil emoji

15:35

and it would just be like, hey, how

15:37

are you purple devil emoji? Or it'd be

15:39

like, oh, am I gonna see you tonight?

15:41

Purple devil emoji. And I'd be like, well,

15:44

the high how are you wasn't sexual, but

15:46

am I gonna see you tonight is like

15:48

vaguely sexual. And I was like, what is

15:50

this purple devil emoji? What is it? It

15:52

like didn't make any sort of sense. What

15:54

was his name? He like a, he was

15:57

a DJ. Of course. It was like Kyler.

16:00

I don't know. He didn't last

16:02

for very long. He was so

16:04

dumb. That was another thing. I

16:06

was like, it is so hard to

16:08

talk to you. But I

16:11

feel you on like the fat black lady thing

16:13

because I've dated dudes where I'm like, we

16:15

never go out during the day. Are you

16:18

do you feel some type of way

16:20

about being attracted to me about fucking

16:22

me about not wanting to like hold

16:24

my hand and maybe a friend of yours will see

16:26

it like what is what

16:28

and then I never I was never able to

16:30

articulate that to that person because it's like how

16:32

do I break my heart and your

16:37

self esteem about yourself. You know,

16:39

it's it's so

16:41

wild. It's so wild. And I'm always

16:43

I have a temper because I'm from

16:46

the South and I mind

16:50

doesn't it. The anger comes

16:53

from frustration. It comes from sadness, but

16:55

it's just gonna sound like anger to

16:57

you. So so what you're saying, you don't

16:59

want to take me out? Well, I'm gonna fuck your brother

17:01

and then that's not helpful.

17:03

And then now I have a promise

17:05

to fuck someone's brother. And that's a lot you have

17:07

to make good on that promise. I have to make

17:09

good on my promises. It's exhausting.

17:12

I don't want to do any

17:14

of that. It's very it's a

17:16

frustrating cycle to be in even in

17:18

your 30s. Yeah, you

17:20

know, or then you just end up dating

17:22

ugly man in this life. Well, I don't want

17:24

to date somebody that ugly. I

17:27

don't want ugly man at all. But I would date

17:29

an ugly man if he was quirky. Like if there

17:31

was like a quirk about him that

17:33

I was like, there's just something about him. Then

17:35

I would date an ugly man. But you

17:37

can't be ugly and annoying and got

17:40

nothing going for you and no career. You can't

17:42

just be nasty. But with quirky like

17:45

Andre 3000 plays a little quirky or

17:47

something weird like

17:51

that. That's fun. Or like,

17:53

I don't know. There's just like something because I've

17:55

dated people where my friends are like, really,

17:57

this person? And I'm like,

18:00

I'm like, yeah, I think they're really cute.

18:03

And then afterwards, it's like, oh, they weren't that cute.

18:05

I was just like into something

18:07

weird about them. Like

18:10

I dated this guy with like long hair

18:13

and he just had like a very interesting face.

18:15

I don't wanna say he's ugly, cause I fucked

18:18

him a lot, but like

18:20

he, he

18:23

was just interesting looking and then had

18:25

like a funny laugh. And I was like, oh, that laugh

18:27

is, maybe I was settling, I don't know. Now

18:31

that I'm like saying all this out loud,

18:33

I'm like, uh, man, he had a unicycle.

18:36

Did I like the unicycle? He juggled

18:38

and had a unicycle and a unibrow

18:41

and it was just all very quirky.

18:44

Yeah. Real

18:46

quick, we gotta take a break.

18:56

My last ex-boyfriend, oh wow, this

18:58

is a great story to tell on your podcast. So

19:02

my last ex-boyfriend was a

19:04

quantum physicist. He had a

19:06

quantum physics degree. He

19:09

like idolized the Hulk, which

19:12

was cool. Cause

19:14

I, the incredible Hulk is my favorite Marvel

19:16

character. Fun fact, Mark

19:18

Ruffalo graduated from my high school. So

19:21

yes, I love it. He

19:24

also had an interesting face and

19:26

an interesting body. Great.

19:30

And so we dated for three years and eventually

19:32

I figured out, I was like, this is not

19:34

going anywhere. Like we're not gonna get married. We're

19:36

not gonna have children. This

19:38

is how we broke up. I

19:42

am on Twitter, like most comics.

19:45

And I see a story

19:48

developing around a Z list

19:50

rapper, D

19:52

list rapper, who seems to keep

19:55

tweeting this young lady on Twitter.

19:57

Yes. And

20:00

it's about colorism and

20:02

blackness. And I'm like, oh wow, that's

20:05

crazy. And so I send my

20:07

ex-boy from the article, we live together. He

20:09

was like, why is he doing that? And I

20:11

was like, I don't know, misogyny,

20:13

whatever. The

20:16

next day on Twitter, I

20:18

see OMG, the

20:22

young lady had been doused by

20:25

a Morehouse man. And

20:27

I was like, wow, not surprised. Then

20:30

I scroll some more and they

20:32

have a screenshot of the Instagram

20:34

account who had docked the young

20:37

lady on Instagram. It

20:39

was my ex-boyfriend, how

20:41

wild. Who at

20:43

the time we lived together and

20:46

is my current boyfriend. So

20:50

I texted him and I'm like, hey, the

20:52

fuck is going on? He

20:54

was like, nothing, it's not even that D,

20:57

he's like a pathological liar. That's

20:59

not the D, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And

21:01

I was like, okay. And

21:04

that develops into me coming

21:06

home and us having

21:08

like this long conversation and

21:11

maybe like, we cannot be together

21:13

because you're receiving death threats. And

21:17

now I'm receiving threats online because

21:19

I messaged a girl and I'm

21:21

like, hey, that's my boyfriend. And

21:24

I will get him to take all

21:26

of that down. Even your information off the

21:28

website because he can do that, he can figure it out.

21:32

And we break up in a blaze of glory, cause

21:38

why not? And

21:41

that's in August, yeah,

21:45

August, July. And

21:47

in September, I get pregnant by someone else.

21:50

Oh girl, you got busy. That's

21:54

so wild, cause whenever I'm dating someone, I'm like,

21:56

are you the type of person who like leaves

21:58

weird Instagram? comments

22:01

on people's pages that you don't know.

22:04

And then it's like a step further

22:06

to be like, oh, you went

22:08

and found out this bitch's information and put

22:11

it on a fucking website. You freak, you

22:13

weirdo. You

22:16

absolutely, truly one

22:18

of the weirdest things a person could do

22:20

and it's like, and you're in my house

22:22

and we were fucking? And

22:25

you're capable of doing that? That's such

22:27

a wild thing to experience. And

22:29

then to get pregnant months later,

22:33

was that a guy you were dating or was that like

22:35

a one night stand or just like a hookup? So

22:38

we were casually, very casually dating.

22:40

So me and my child's father

22:42

met on an app

22:44

that is iconized

22:47

by a fish. Oh,

22:51

Penny a fish? OK. Which

22:53

I'll never go back to. And

22:58

our first date, this

23:00

is how I know men are not good at taking pictures

23:02

of themselves. Because I'm looking at the pictures and I

23:05

was like, oh, he looks OK. He stepped out of

23:07

the car and I was like, I caught my best friend. I was

23:09

like, I'm good. I'll talk to you later. I'm

23:12

fine. My child's father is

23:14

6'2", dark skin, light

23:16

eyes. He's a cutie pie. It's

23:18

not gorgeous, but he's cute. And

23:21

he's from New Orleans, which

23:23

is basically what got me pregnant. And

23:26

we went bowling, which I hate. Wait,

23:30

why do you hate bowling? Because why the fuck are

23:32

we here? I suck at this game. Because

23:35

it's fun. And it's not fun.

23:37

It's like a cute way to be

23:39

competitive. You throw this big heavy ball

23:41

and then he throws that big heavy ball and then

23:43

you're like, oh my god, you did so good, baby. I

23:49

hate it. OK. All

23:52

right. You hate bowling. I was fine.

23:55

And so we go bowling. I am

23:57

terrible. You also have to wear someone else's.

24:00

the shoes. And that's weird. Yeah,

24:03

I get that. And then we went

24:05

to a classy restaurant. T.J. Fridays, obviously.

24:07

Yes, people, all the stuff.

24:09

Bullet and TDIF Friday. Yeah.

24:12

Where he helped me

24:15

that he has two children

24:18

from a previous relationship. He has his

24:20

other baby mama tattooed on his arm,

24:22

which other women would be

24:24

like, what red flag? Elizabeth is

24:26

like, wow, I've never seen such

24:29

a beauty. Okay. Ooh, that's

24:31

a dedication. So we start casually dating on

24:33

it, like,

24:40

for two weeks. And

24:42

then during that two week period, I

24:45

get pregnant. And if you

24:47

don't know the story of that, you

24:49

should come see Nicole and see what

24:51

I open up and you can hear

24:53

the story. And I don't know that I'm

24:55

pregnant. I go on with my life. I'm

24:58

like, I don't I'm not really that interested

25:00

in you. So I and

25:03

I stopped talking to him by now that

25:05

I'm pregnant, I go through the whole pregnancy

25:07

alone. Cool. Eventually,

25:09

he starts acting weird. We're like

25:11

two weeks from group

25:14

B day. And I'm

25:17

like, okay, I'm trying to get

25:19

him to like agree to stuff.

25:22

And so finally, I call the other

25:24

baby mama because I'm like, well,

25:26

girl, you've been when I'm walking, you got two kids

25:30

like, what's up issues

25:32

like, Oh, I was like, yeah, I just

25:34

want him to come sign a birth certificate. And

25:37

I want him to, you

25:39

know, put her on insurance. And she's like, Oh, yeah,

25:42

he's not gonna be able to sign the birth

25:44

certificate because we're married. And

25:48

we've been married for 10 years. We

25:52

have three kids. And

25:55

the reason I know he can't sign

25:57

your baby birth certificate because you're married because I

25:59

had a fourth child outside of our marriage

26:01

and that man can't sign the birth certificate.

26:11

Wait, that is so wild. Wait, why

26:13

can't he sign the birth certificate if

26:15

he's married? Because we live

26:17

in a commonwealth. Virginia is a

26:19

commonwealth. So essentially our laws

26:24

are based in presumed morality.

26:26

So they assume that

26:28

if you're someone's father, you are with

26:31

the appropriate mother and you have

26:34

not stepped out of that. And

26:36

so they make you go to the court, you have to

26:38

do a DNA test, and then I can add him to

26:40

the birth certificate. And I've done all of those

26:42

things, but just him signing

26:44

it at the beginning? No, that's because

26:47

he's married. And I had no idea

26:49

he was married. That is

26:51

truly so wild. Also that

26:56

this woman was

26:59

like, I stepped out, he be stepping out

27:01

and that's just what we do. We keep

27:03

having children, don't worry about it. But here's

27:05

the deal. He can't sign that. Have a

27:08

nice life, have a nice day. That is

27:11

wow. I wonder how many

27:13

times she's gotten that phone call where she's like,

27:15

nope, sorry, he can't sign it. Yeah,

27:18

sorry. I can't believe

27:20

he was married. He's married the

27:22

whole time. And mind you, the

27:24

whole time that we're communicating

27:26

while I'm pregnant, obviously we're not together, but I'm

27:28

still trying to like, check in.

27:30

He told me, Oh, I don't

27:33

have a job. He is a

27:35

vet. That's very true. He's a

27:37

vet. Thank you for your service.

27:40

He was like, Oh, I've been

27:43

in and out of VA hospitals because I have

27:45

PTSD. He does have PTSD. He

27:47

does have shrapnel in his body. Fair

27:50

enough. And all

27:52

of these things. So I'm like, I can't put

27:55

somebody on child support that's having a mental breakdown.

27:57

My mama tried it. Okay. My

28:00

father was also with it. So, you know, they

28:02

have to be on the right my state to

28:04

go to work. And

28:06

I'm like, Hey, did you find

28:08

a job? Are you okay? whole

28:10

time is perfectly fine. You've been working

28:12

all the time. And

28:15

oh my god, so he truly is

28:17

just a liar. He's telling you lies,

28:19

lie, lie, lie, lie, lies. Oh, crazy.

28:24

So that's why when I'm like, I need

28:26

that honesty. And bear in

28:28

it. Uh huh. It

28:30

is a requirement. And

28:32

if you're gonna be ugly, no, I get

28:35

it. You need to at least have

28:38

that. God,

28:42

that's so wild. I can't even

28:44

fathom like just a man lying

28:46

about every part of his wife. And it's like,

28:48

well, what was true? Did you even

28:51

like me? Did you even have a nice

28:53

time? It's like, I know you came

28:55

because I got pregnant. Yeah, like that's not a

28:57

lie. That

29:00

is accurate. I

29:02

think, you know, it's been a whirlwind.

29:04

But I think the biggest part of

29:06

it that made me infuriated was

29:09

like, first of all, as a woman, why

29:11

would you want another woman to

29:13

go through that? Like, why do you feel like you're

29:15

superior? Because you're married to a teeter. You

29:18

can have him. Yeah. But

29:21

the thing that made me the angriest is

29:23

like, we have to legally have

29:25

a state of Virginia when you go to

29:27

apply for custody and child support that make you do

29:29

a DNA test. Bye. I already

29:31

knew that was gonna happen. So we do

29:33

it. And he was like, Yeah, so what

29:36

are the results? I was like, I'll burn your house

29:38

down. What do you think the results are? JK,

29:41

not really allegedly. Not you

29:44

just kidding. It's an episode of Maury

29:46

or not the father. Ha ha. Like

29:48

what? Honestly, that is

29:50

so insulting for him to be

29:52

like, so who's it yours? This

29:54

yours? How

29:57

why these men I'm mad.

30:00

So did you

30:02

start doing stand up before or after you had

30:04

your daughter? So before. I've been

30:07

doing stand up almost nine years. Oh,

30:10

okay. So nine years in January.

30:12

But I will say like having put

30:15

the foot on the gas, I was like, oh,

30:18

I need to like make it

30:20

happen. Mm hmm. Stuff has

30:22

to happen now. And

30:24

so I'm thankful for that.

30:27

It's a very complicated schedule for a

30:29

two year old. Yeah. How do

30:31

you work that out? Like I

30:33

have a lot of great babysitters. Thanks. My

30:36

mother and my mother only live about 15 minutes, 20

30:38

minutes from each other. So when

30:40

it's long weekends, like when I'm with you,

30:42

she has the baby. And then I'll try

30:44

to schedule her some breaks. So like my cousin or

30:46

her grandmother will come pick her up for a Godfather.

30:50

But if it's just small shows like

30:52

I think I was somewhere last week, her

30:55

Godfather will take her for like half a day and then

30:57

I'll pick her up on my way back or

30:59

something like that. Or if the show is in North

31:01

Carolina where most of my family members are, I just

31:04

take her with me and then she'll

31:06

be with her grandfather or her uncles

31:08

or whatever. So okay.

31:11

Yeah, that complicated. I was like, how

31:13

do you juggle it? You're like, I drop her off with

31:15

someone who watches her and it's fine.

31:18

And I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Sounds

31:20

about right. What

31:23

do you do with your dog? My

31:25

dog either goes to Skewell. He

31:28

goes to doggy daycare or

31:30

he goes with my old roommate, John

31:32

Millheiser, my former roommate, John Millheiser's house.

31:36

It's pretty easy. I just drop them off

31:38

for the weekend and then I pay them

31:40

in Postmates gift cards because they were like, it's weird to

31:42

take money from you. And I'm like, yeah, but like I

31:44

have to pay you for like letting

31:46

my dog in your space. And they were like,

31:48

well, we'll figure out something. So then I started

31:51

sending them Postmates gift cards and they're like, actually,

31:53

this works because this is fun. There's just nights where

31:55

we're like, oh, we don't have to think about food

31:57

because of Nicole. I'm like, okay, whatever works

31:59

for you. Yeah sure, okay, correct. Whatever,

32:02

it's great. That's so

32:04

nice. Maybe I should try

32:06

that because I don't pay anyone. I'm actually terrible.

32:10

I'm just like, oh, thank you so much for

32:12

taking your granddaughter. I love you. Bye.

32:17

You don't have to pay family. I mean, that

32:19

would be insane. My aunt, how many grandkids

32:22

does she have? She's got a lot. I

32:25

think she's got like eight now. She's

32:28

always like a

32:30

little harried and she's like, somebody's here. Oh,

32:33

it's you, hello. Do

32:35

you have a big family, Nicole? I

32:39

have a pretty big family. My grandmother was one

32:41

of six or seven. And

32:45

then each of them had like three or four kids

32:47

who had like three or

32:49

four kids. So my mom's

32:51

side is pretty big. My

32:54

dad's side is not big, not as

32:56

many people had kids. Yeah. So

32:59

yeah, it's funny to go from like my dad's side where

33:01

it's like five people to my mom's side where it's like,

33:03

there's like so many fucking people.

33:06

There's like 50, 60, 70 people here. Like

33:08

our family reunions are wild. And

33:10

I think they've all given up on me having a

33:12

child, which is great because I'm not

33:14

having one. Yeah, it's not your

33:17

thing. No. I

33:19

like kids and my

33:22

time clock has been ticking in a

33:26

way where like when I see a baby, I'm like, give

33:28

it to me. Let me touch that

33:30

baby. Let me hold that baby. Let me smell

33:32

that baby. Give me that baby. But then I'm

33:34

like, oh, I've had enough. Take your baby back.

33:36

I don't want this anymore. And

33:41

I don't know how to like, I

33:43

don't know what to do. I'm like, should I have a baby? But then

33:45

I'm like, no, I want to give it back at the end of

33:47

my time. No, you

33:49

should not have a baby. You know,

33:52

it's so funny. Like I

33:54

have a very big family. My mother has eight brothers and sisters. My father has

33:56

10. Damn. So

33:59

on one side. like my mom, there's

34:01

31 cousins just on my mom's side.

34:03

And then all of, you

34:05

know, most of us have children. And so

34:07

when I go to my dad's family, all of

34:10

my cousins, I think there's like 15 of us

34:13

on just out of his brothers and

34:15

sisters, I don't, they

34:18

look at me a little bit like an outlier. Like

34:20

all of them are still in North Carolina and they

34:22

all do their thing. And I'm the weird one that's

34:24

like on, in sketch

34:26

shows and shit like that. I

34:29

get it. So having a

34:31

kid I thought would normalize me. Like

34:34

I am one of you.

34:37

I am one of the people. And

34:39

I went for Thanksgiving and

34:42

my aunt was like, so

34:44

when are you having another baby? I was

34:46

like, bitch, I had one. I thought that

34:49

was the deal. Yeah, I

34:51

had one. I'm like, you guys, I

34:53

have one, leave me alone. I have

34:55

the baby. Another one. Another one. This

34:58

child is in here with ham in

35:00

one hand, a plushy in the other

35:02

running around barefoot. What? I

35:05

can't handle two of those people. If

35:08

I had another child, I would

35:10

turn into Tommy Pickles when

35:14

he was trying to kill Dale Pickles. I would

35:16

literally lose my mind. I

35:19

can't have another baby, I'm exhausted. Yeah,

35:22

I can't imagine. Cause she's two. So

35:25

then if you had another one, she'd be like

35:27

almost three. And then

35:29

it's like a newborn and

35:31

a three year old. That sounds awful.

35:33

My mom had me when my sister

35:35

was one and a half and I was like, bitch,

35:39

why would you ever? A

35:41

newborn and a one and a half year old? You're

35:43

psychotic. You're absolutely unhinged. That's

35:45

weird. But I

35:47

was in an accident. I wasn't supposed to be

35:50

here. I think they were just like raw dogging

35:52

after she was told she couldn't have any more

35:54

kids. And then I was like, hi. But

35:57

I, yeah. kids

36:00

under the age of like five sounds

36:02

so hard. Yeah,

36:05

it sounds insane. No, no, thank

36:07

you. I don't want to know.

36:10

Wait, so what apps are you

36:12

on currently? Tinder.

36:16

Here's one. Tinder

36:18

only for dating women.

36:21

So occasionally

36:24

I pick up my coochie coupons and

36:26

I'm like, cool. Girls. Just

36:30

like a white woman in Kohl's. Just

36:33

in the shoes. In

36:36

the Kohl's cash. My Kohl's

36:38

cash. And

36:41

dating women is absolutely horrible. I

36:43

don't know why. I think she used to

36:45

try to do it. Wait, why do you

36:47

think it's horrible? I mean, I've only

36:50

dated a couple of women and

36:52

it didn't end well. So why

36:54

is your experience horrible? Because

36:56

dating women requires just a

36:58

level of like care

37:01

that I have

37:03

never possessed in my life. The

37:05

last girl I dated, like

37:09

she wanted to go to,

37:11

she dinners and she

37:13

wanted to text all the time

37:16

and she was very, very, very

37:18

emotional. And I was like, I

37:21

felt like a teenage boy. Like, okay, but show

37:23

me your dating. Like, are you into that? I

37:27

get it. You're sad. Show me your titties. Yeah.

37:29

I get it. You want dinner? Show me them

37:31

titties. Yeah. And she was wonderful.

37:33

Like she paid for everything. She would like

37:36

help you. Like if we were out and

37:38

with my daughter, she would help you

37:40

take care of my daughter. She was wonderful. But

37:42

the level of care that goes

37:44

into caring for a woman, I

37:47

don't have. And so I often think

37:49

it's unfair for me to date women

37:51

because I'm just like, I don't have that

37:53

capacity for you. Caring for

37:55

a man is like caring for a

37:58

dog that's blind. I

38:01

can, it's old, I

38:03

can just leave water and food

38:05

out and eventually, and we'll go

38:07

on a couple of walks and it's done. Caring

38:10

for a woman is like caring for a

38:13

very healthy brand new puppy. Like it's so

38:16

much. And I'm like, girl, I

38:19

am here for a season. Okay.

38:22

I'm going to cash in my local pod

38:24

and then I'm gonna go back to me and

38:26

where I belong, honey. I'm here

38:29

for a long time. Funny.

38:31

Funny. Because I do

38:33

think women require more care, more sensitivity,

38:35

more, just like more in

38:41

general. But then I'm like,

38:43

I require a lot. So

38:45

I'm like, oh, interesting. I don't

38:47

want to give what I require.

38:50

Correct. I'm

38:53

like, that's too much work. And then I'm like, is

38:56

that why men are so bad? Because women

38:58

require so much and they just

39:00

are not equipped emotionally or physically

39:02

to deal with women. Yes.

39:05

Interesting. Every time I date a woman, I

39:07

come back with my head, you know, my

39:09

hat in my hand and I'm like,

39:11

okay, man, I get it. I

39:14

get it. I'm gonna ease up just a

39:16

little. I get it. You just

39:18

want to watch a game. I dated this girl

39:21

one time and she wanted to every

39:23

day keep me updated about her cat. Oh,

39:26

yeah. And my cat did this and

39:28

then the other cat did that. And I was like, one

39:30

day I was like, girl, I do. I'm

39:32

allergic. Like, I don't care. I care about

39:35

one cat and it's not. And

39:37

it's not an animal. Yeah.

39:40

Okay. That's very funny. Oh

39:43

my God. Now I'm like really thinking about

39:46

myself and I'm like, am I? Really

39:50

annoying to everyone I date? And

39:53

the answer is yes. I am

39:55

the most annoying and I don't

39:58

know how to change that. Like

40:01

I once dated somebody and we

40:03

were ordering food and I

40:05

was sitting next to them and then I

40:09

didn't realize I was doing this. I was

40:11

just getting closer and closer until we were

40:13

like rapped. I wrapped my legs around him

40:15

and he was like, Hey, I can't see

40:17

the phone. And I was like, what

40:19

do you mean? He was like, you've just,

40:22

you've really moved your body in a way around

40:24

me that like, and I'm happy to be

40:26

close to you, but like, I can't, I

40:29

can't order the food because you've wrapped your

40:31

whole body around me and I can't really

40:33

see the phone. And I was like, Oh,

40:36

Oh my God, that's so crazy. How

40:38

long have you not been able to see the phone?

40:40

He's like a minute, Nicole. Like I just, I thought

40:42

you would like get off me at some point, but

40:44

then you like didn't. And I

40:46

was like, Oh, ha ha ha ha ha. But

40:51

no, I'm just really annoying when I'm

40:53

dating somebody. Oh

40:55

boy. I wonder if I'll be less annoying

40:57

in my next relationship. Probably not. Okay,

41:00

real quick. We got to take a break.

41:10

What we hope for is your next

41:12

relationship is that they just love all

41:14

your annoyances. That's all. I

41:17

hope so. And I hope they like Sonic because

41:20

I'm Sonic three is coming out soon and hopefully

41:23

I'll be dating someone and we can go see

41:25

it in the atas with

41:27

Sonic like a thing. And you just

41:30

really enjoy it. You don't know this. I fucking

41:32

love Sonic and I love ducks. And this is

41:34

one of my prized possessions. It's a Sonic duck.

41:42

Look, I hope that he's

41:44

next relationship. They are love

41:46

Sonic as much as you and Vin

41:48

Diesel as much as you. Oh my

41:51

God. In a weird way. I hate

41:53

somebody who loves Sonic and then wants

41:55

to always watch the fast

41:57

and the serious. I was dating somebody once. who

42:00

I can't remember what we were

42:02

doing, but he was like, you seem uneasy. And I

42:04

was like, I don't know, I'm not having a good

42:06

day. And then he's like, I know what I'll do.

42:08

And he put on the fast and the furious, and

42:11

I think anyone's ever done for me. That's what

42:13

it's like. Oh my God, he gets that,

42:15

he gets that. Wait, Liz, how are we

42:17

gonna go find men? How are we gonna

42:19

do this? Listen, listen. Wait,

42:21

you can find men at fun places like the

42:23

zoo. What do

42:25

you think I live in a

42:28

Hallmark movie? I

42:37

guess I too could go to the zoo, but

42:39

I was like, you have a child, so you

42:41

can bring him to the zoo and fall in

42:43

love with this man at the gorilla cages. It's

42:48

just me pushing my baby

42:50

in his stroller. Obviously I have on a pump,

42:52

I have on a heel, no

42:55

big deal, right? The hair's done, the makeup

42:57

is flawless. Yeah, because it's a day at

42:59

the zoo. And I

43:01

look over and there's Jamie

43:03

working at the gorilla pit

43:06

and he almost fell in because that

43:08

was so stunning. And then

43:10

one of the gorillas naturally, kind

43:13

animals, saved him. And

43:18

we fell in love. I

43:20

think you should go to the zoo

43:22

more often. I

43:24

think that's where it's gonna happen for you. Oh

43:27

my God. I think

43:29

the men that are at the zoo

43:31

that are typically already with their families

43:33

and we see how that worked out

43:35

for me before. Yeah, you're right. You're

43:37

right. You're right. I don't know where

43:40

we're gonna meet men. I also

43:42

don't go anywhere. So like you describing

43:44

going to parties and

43:46

going out just seems so, ugh.

43:51

It sucks. And I don't wanna do it,

43:53

but I went

43:55

to a bar for my friend's birthday so

43:57

there was a group of us. And

44:00

then she was like, go talk to that guy, he's really

44:02

cute. And I was like, oh, I

44:06

haven't done that in years. I

44:09

just, what do you

44:11

say to them? Like, nice looking

44:13

drink. Like what do you

44:15

say to somebody? I don't know what

44:17

to say anymore. I don't. I don't

44:20

know what to say. I'm like, okay,

44:23

I like them sneakers. Those

44:25

are cool. Those

44:28

are good sneakers. Yeah, you

44:30

got all your parents still. Your

44:32

parents still alive. That's crazy. My

44:35

dude, they still good. They still good.

44:38

Liz, that's the funniest question. You still

44:40

got your parents? Yeah, yeah, me

44:42

too. Because it was like, what were you

44:44

getting at? What

44:47

were you getting? But I

44:50

like, because it was like a year of the

44:52

pandemic, I didn't really date during the pandemic because

44:54

I was like, I don't know,

44:56

I'm sad. If I go to the hospital wheezing, they'll just

44:58

tell me to lose weight. And it's like, I'm dying of

45:00

COVID. So I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm not meeting

45:03

somebody I don't know and whatever. And

45:05

then after COVID, I like met somebody kind

45:08

of quickly after like getting

45:10

vaccinated and whatnot. And then I dated them

45:12

for a while. And now I'm like, wait,

45:15

I think these years out of the game have

45:18

really fucked me up. Like I don't

45:20

know how to talk to people anymore. Do you

45:22

want to role play? Do you want to see

45:24

how? I'll be a man at a bar. Ooh,

45:27

I'm a man. I'll have an

45:29

old fashioned, which is disgusting, but

45:31

I'll drink it. You

45:33

know what? I actually do. I like an old

45:35

fashioned. That's funny that you ordered it. Oh

45:39

yeah. It's Rocky fuel, man

45:41

fuel. I

45:44

gotta go. I

45:48

just, I gotta go. I love, it's really funny that you

45:50

call it a Rocky fuel, but I gotta get out of

45:52

here. Oh, that's

45:56

so funny that you the man who went Rocky

45:59

fuel. Okay,

46:01

I'll be a man and we're at a bar. Okay.

46:05

Hey, uh, wow, you're beautiful. Oh,

46:07

gee, thanks. Um, your, uh,

46:10

your sibling's still hanging in there? Got

46:13

any brothers and sisters?

46:15

That's a fun question. Uh, I

46:17

do. I have one brother and then

46:19

sadly my sister, she passed away. Uh,

46:22

she fell out of a roller coaster about

46:24

two years ago. That's crazy.

46:26

Wow. So,

46:30

so what's your brother still doing? He good. He

46:32

good because he didn't, he wasn't on a roller

46:34

coaster though, right? No, he was

46:36

on the roller coaster. He watched my sister fall

46:38

right out. Um, you

46:41

know, he, he's been in and out of therapy and

46:43

stuff, but he's doing pretty good now. Yeah,

46:46

that's go out. That's why. So you

46:48

don't ride roller coasters though. Cause it seemed like it's

46:50

two for two and I hate for it. It would

46:52

be three for three with your parent. Well,

46:55

actually I was going to ask you

46:57

on a date to six flags, great America. Yeah, that

46:59

seems like a bad idea. Y'all don't have good luck

47:01

in your family. So I don't mind. Take a chance

47:03

with me. Take a chance on me,

47:05

please. I'm good, sir. Thank you.

47:07

Y'all have bad luck. All right. The

47:10

devil is on your family. Okay. Nice

47:12

to see you. Jesus is not, Jesus don't have

47:14

a family. Y'all lied. So

47:16

wait a minute. Even in our role playing,

47:20

we can't get a date. Well, I mean, both

47:22

men are insane. Wait,

47:25

you need to tell me if you met a man whose

47:28

sister died in a roller coaster accident

47:31

and he wanted to get a six flag, you wouldn't go.

47:33

Jesus does not have his hand on

47:35

their family. Okay. You're right.

47:38

And they don't because they don't make good

47:40

decisions. Okay. My sister died

47:42

falling out of roller coaster. First of all,

47:44

your sister knew she was too thin to

47:46

ride whatever roller coaster she was riding. But

47:48

that doesn't make any sense. Your

47:50

brother was there. He in and out of therapy. That

47:52

sounds like he may have a little addiction and

47:55

addiction is not, you know, it's a

47:57

sickness, but you got that. want

48:00

to take me up to the Six Flags. You,

48:02

it sounds like you pushed your sister out of

48:04

that roller coaster and now you're looking for more

48:06

victims. Jesus, I'm

48:08

having a fan on your life. I can't go up there,

48:11

but thank you. See, I would go just to see like,

48:13

are we going to get on a roller coaster? Are

48:15

we going to like cry in front of the roller

48:17

coaster? Your sister died in front of the roller coaster?

48:21

I would just, I would just be curious. Like, what

48:23

are we going to do on this date where your

48:25

sister passed away? This is so

48:27

morbid. I, I

48:30

truly would just be like, I gotta see where this

48:32

is going. That's gotta see where this is going. Would

48:34

you take a date? Like what's the date

48:36

that you're absolutely never going to say yes

48:38

to? Um,

48:41

ooh, that's tough. Cause

48:44

I would truly go anywhere. I

48:47

simply have no boundaries and

48:49

I'm always curious as to what somebody's trying to

48:52

get me to do. Wait, name

48:54

some dates and I'll tell you. Um,

48:57

so obviously we know you're going on an amusement

48:59

park. Absolutely. Um, would you go to a

49:01

closing class? I would.

49:03

Okay. Would you go like

49:05

on a, a mall date,

49:07

like where you guys go around to different

49:10

stores and eat some baro and the food

49:12

kit or the food fort? Yes.

49:15

Um, obviously we know you like

49:17

bowling. Love bowling.

49:19

Batting cages. I

49:21

would do that. Skydiving. I

49:25

would absolutely do that. The only

49:27

date that is

49:29

the absolute worst that I would say is

49:31

when they want you to go to

49:34

their house. It

49:38

depends. I'll go to your

49:40

house if it's

49:42

like, Oh, we've, we've talked and

49:44

we're just trying to fuck. We're

49:46

not actually trying to cultivate a

49:49

relationship or anything, but I'll go to your house

49:51

and I'll fuck you. And then you have to

49:53

leave me alone. Cause I've, I've

49:55

looked up at people and then they've like

49:57

texted me constantly. And I'm like, you. No,

50:00

I don't

50:02

want this. Like we're just hooked up. Please

50:05

leave me alone. I think for me, any time

50:08

a man immediately offers his home,

50:10

I assume he wants to be

50:13

robbed. I

50:15

think he want me to rob you. Liz,

50:18

have you ever robbed somebody? I haven't

50:20

yet, but I

50:22

think it's time to start teaching men

50:24

some lessons. Like I don't even want like

50:26

whatever you got in your house. I

50:29

obviously can't steal this TV. Like I have a baby

50:31

seat in the back of my car, so it's not

50:34

gonna fit. But I might steal

50:36

some of your Jordans for no reason because you

50:38

should know better than the less strangers in your

50:40

house. I mean,

50:42

you're kind of right, but I don't know.

50:45

I'm like, what does anybody

50:47

have for me to steal? Like I

50:49

guess jewelry, like sure, maybe. But

50:53

I'm like, I don't know. What? Like how much are you

50:55

gonna get for her necklace? Yeah,

50:58

I think robbing someone seems to be dumb. Because

51:01

like my TV is old. If you came into my house, you'd

51:03

be so mad. Yeah, there's

51:05

nothing for me to

51:07

rob. Really, I'm gonna

51:10

find something sentimental or

51:12

inconvenient. Like I'm gonna steal

51:14

all your spices. Like Liz,

51:17

that's a lot. That's

51:19

a lot of money. But it's

51:21

annoying to have to go rebuy

51:23

smoked paprika. I would be so mad

51:25

if I opened my spice store and there was no

51:27

spices. I'd be like, what? This

51:30

bitch took all my spices? Like,

51:32

why the fuck? I

51:36

already have Tony Satuaries, but I'm gonna steal yours because

51:38

you shouldn't have invited me to your house. That's what

51:40

you do. That's so funny to leave someone's

51:42

house with just like a bag of spices. And it's like, don't

51:45

worry about what's in the bag. I had a nice time. Goodbye.

51:47

Bye. We block you. You'll

51:49

never hear from me again. Liz,

51:52

what are your New Year's resolutions? Did

51:54

I ask you this? You haven't. What

51:56

are my New Year's resolutions? I

51:59

would I really, really, really love to work

52:01

on a comedy body

52:04

of work that I

52:06

could release. Maybe an album,

52:08

maybe something filmed. I

52:12

want to learn French

52:15

more fluently. And

52:19

I really would like a

52:21

partner that I will not steal

52:23

from. JK wasn't serious

52:25

about that. That's

52:28

so funny. Some man's listening to this

52:30

podcast who's actually straight and he's like, Man,

52:32

I really like Liz. She was really charming, but she

52:35

won't steal from me, so... You're just

52:37

gonna rob me. Mmmmmm. I think I'll

52:39

avoid her. Uh-uh. Wait, Liz,

52:42

have you ever had someone hit on you after a

52:44

show? Do you have chucklefuckers? I forgot to ask you.

52:46

I... Yes.

52:49

I've actually had a man follow me to my

52:51

car. Yeah.

52:53

So I don't know if this happens

52:55

for you, but I imagine it happens

52:58

for other

53:00

comics. I

53:02

do talk about sex on stage. I don't

53:04

get the whole thing about when to talk about

53:06

sex. It's like, yes, because it's a part

53:08

of life, right? So I talk

53:10

about sex on stage. And in some

53:13

of my earlier material, it's a

53:15

little more graphic than what it is now. And

53:18

so I've had men imply

53:20

that they want to do the things with

53:22

me that I've talked about on stage while

53:25

my boyfriend had been standing right

53:28

there. So that's

53:30

always awkward. One night

53:33

after the funny-balling, we have a Virginia Beach

53:35

funny-balling, so that's my home club. One of

53:37

the worst clubs I've ever been to. Gotta

53:39

just say that on the record, it sucks.

53:42

I hate it. They might be nice

53:44

to Liz, but nobody was nice to me. I'm

53:47

very sorry, Nicole. It's okay. It's

53:50

not your fault. So

53:53

I was done

53:55

out for the weekend. And if you've ever

53:57

been to the funny-balling, you know, the parking

53:59

lot. at the parking garage just across the street. So

54:01

you have to cross like four way traffic.

54:05

And a lot of times it's audience members

54:07

just walking into that parking garage. I

54:09

didn't think you'd think of it until I kind

54:11

of got alone and I

54:13

noticed like a presence still behind me. I

54:16

kind of stepped up the pace and then

54:18

I heard a car door close and I

54:20

was like, okay. Then he

54:23

came up behind me and looked hard.

54:25

And he was like, would you need a ride to your car? Do

54:29

you want me to just drive you to your car? I just

54:31

thought you were really beautiful on stage. And I was like, yeah,

54:34

no, thank you. I'm

54:37

okay. Please don't follow

54:39

me in your Acura. I feel like that

54:41

Acura is for

54:44

ex-moderators. So

54:47

sometimes, but a lot

54:51

of times not so much anymore. So

54:53

thank God for that. But yes, I've

54:55

had people hit on me. Oh,

54:57

you know what I get a lot? What?

55:00

Interracial threesome. Interesting.

55:06

White women proposing that I have

55:08

a threesome with her and her

55:10

always unattractive black boyfriend. He's

55:14

always a man that is like,

55:17

you know, the black dudes that are bald and

55:20

they have muscles in their head and

55:22

he's wearing a shirt or

55:24

an outfit that's on the

55:26

back. Looks like it's sous vide

55:29

onto his body. And

55:32

it's just, and

55:34

I'm like, you want me to, and she had

55:36

the Ade black men haircut. And it's like, Suzanne,

55:38

I truly appreciate the

55:42

offer. I

55:46

cannot think of anything less I'd rather do than

55:48

sweep with you and Mr. Clean. Thank

55:51

you so much. I've

55:53

been propositioned by like, well,

55:59

silly. all white women

56:01

with like crazy colored hair

56:03

and they're very thin husbands like

56:06

they're chubby women and thin

56:08

husbands and they're like be our third and

56:10

I'm like I can't think of anything

56:12

I want less yes I know thank

56:15

you for whatever like there's just

56:17

like something like after a show it's like I it's

56:19

like when you

56:21

leave the operating room not that being a doctor and

56:23

being a comic or the same thing but it's like I left my

56:26

job and you're hanging on me and

56:28

it's like you just finished surgery and like

56:30

someone's hating on you like that insane

56:32

thing but it's like people don't think

56:34

about like this is my job what's

56:36

out there and it's not just like

56:38

I finished surgery I finished surgery on

56:40

you I perform the

56:43

service service for you and

56:45

then you got up from the table was like yeah

56:47

so you wanna fuck me in my weird

56:49

with me my weird being boyfriend fuck

56:52

me who's on a unicycle no

56:55

girl a unicycle don't mind

56:57

if I do oh

57:00

my god Liz what do you have like

57:03

any advice for single people out

57:05

there I know you're single but any

57:07

advice give

57:09

up no I

57:13

I think you really should probably phone in

57:16

on what exactly it is that you want

57:19

and you should be upfront with that from the beginning

57:21

you know I've matched with a lot

57:23

of guys and I'm like

57:25

listen I'm listening to date I

57:27

want to be in a relationship and if that's not your

57:29

thing that's okay we can move on instead

57:32

of having those preliminary goofy conversations that

57:34

you're having and then you find out

57:36

like he's want something casual

57:38

and you want something serious so just

57:40

be upfront with what you want keep

57:42

it moving I

57:44

think that's nice do you have advice no

57:48

okay great but like

57:50

it's good advice so be upfront

57:53

I'm never upfront I'm always like what

57:55

are you looking for and they're like nothing serious and

57:57

I'm like yeah me either when I'm like I

57:59

guess I'll I'll put this ring away that

58:01

I'm gonna give them and I'll put my

58:03

keys away that I was gonna give them

58:05

a copy of. Like I really wanna be

58:08

in a relationship. But

58:10

also I'm trying to learn how to like, I

58:12

think my New Year's resolution is like, be

58:14

chill. Like get

58:17

to know someone before you decide you wanna be

58:19

in a relationship with them. And then

58:21

it's like if I decide I don't wanna be in a

58:23

relationship with them, it's okay to break up with them. It's

58:26

okay to move slow, but it's also okay to

58:28

say, hey, it's been a month, I like you.

58:30

I would like to be in a relationship. And

58:32

as soon as they say no, leave. Like

58:35

I gotta, I can't change somebody's mind and

58:37

that is something I need to really stick

58:39

to. Yeah.

58:42

I think we have 30 lives, yay! Yay!

58:46

Well, Liz, we've come to the end. I asked

58:48

all my guests this, would you date me? 1000%

58:50

every time. Oh,

58:54

thank you, Liz! Do

58:56

you have anything that you wanna promote? Please

59:00

follow my podcast, the Fluffy

59:02

Chronicles podcast. We'll be having

59:04

new episodes in February and

59:07

please come see us all on tour cause

59:09

I'll likely be the first place you see,

59:11

yay! Come, Liz is so funny and she's

59:13

so great and I'm so happy I met

59:15

her. I met her in DC and I

59:17

was like, oh my God, this

59:20

is delightful. She's chill, she's nice,

59:22

she's professional. Come

59:24

with me everywhere. It was delightful to meet

59:26

you and I'm so happy that I did. Yay.

59:30

If you like this episode of Why Won't You

59:32

Date Me, you can like it, you can rate

59:34

it, you can subscribe, you can, I don't know,

59:36

review it on Apple Podcasts or whatever but if

59:38

you write me something nasty hitting on me to

59:41

Why Won't You Date Me [email protected],

59:43

I will read it. Okay,

59:47

this person said, dear Ms. Byer, here is

59:50

the scene. We go to Disneyland and get

59:52

caught in the Honey I Shrunk the Kids

59:54

ride but oh no, it actually works on

59:56

me and I become a teeny, a

59:58

tiny weenie man. But horn

1:00:01

strikes, so I go find a huge

1:00:03

ladder for my tiny weenie man. I

1:00:05

climb that son of a bitch and climb up

1:00:07

into your ample ass. I

1:00:10

continue to cement myself inside all safe

1:00:12

and warm, then go to town using

1:00:14

your rectal piece as a bouncy castle.

1:00:17

Thanks and bye. Wow. I

1:00:20

don't know who that was fun for. Certainly

1:00:23

not me. I have a small man jumping around

1:00:25

in my butt. What? That feels like I would

1:00:27

feel like I have to like shit for a

1:00:29

while. Yeah. Interesting.

1:00:32

Thank you for that, but I don't know if that

1:00:34

was fun. What? Okay.

1:00:40

Goodbye. Goodbye. You've

1:00:47

been listening to Why Won't You Date Me?

1:00:49

with Nicole Byer. This show is produced

1:00:51

by me, Marc, with guest research

1:00:53

by Lindsay Kemp. It's executive produced

1:00:56

by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross

1:00:58

of Team Coco, with guest

1:01:00

booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista,

1:01:02

and Maddie Ivers. Got a dirty

1:01:04

message for Nicole? Reddit. So why

1:01:06

won't you date me [email protected] for a chance

1:01:09

to have it featured on a future show.

1:01:11

Thanks for listening. We'll see you

1:01:13

next week with a brand new episode.

1:01:15

Bye bye. Nicole.

1:01:21

Team Coco Productions.