0:00

You're listening to an Airwave

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0:30

if you have a really cute

0:33

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0:37

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the Spotify for Podcasters app or go

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to www.spotify.com/podcasters to

1:01

get started.

1:27

What if world? This

1:31

is What If World?

1:37

Hey there folks and welcome back to What

1:39

If World? The show where your questions

1:41

and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories. I'm Mr.

1:44

Eric, your host. And sadly

1:46

our kids spent two weeks being

1:48

sick over the holidays. Not

1:50

only did we cancel all of our

1:52

plans to keep our friends and family

1:54

healthy, but now I am

1:57

the one who is sick. So I

1:59

tinkered with the audio of this

2:01

classic Fred the Dog episode to

2:03

get it sounding even better for

2:05

you. We've got new guilds and

2:07

goblins, new MC detective agency, new

2:10

guest episodes, and more in the

2:12

works for 2024.

2:14

But for now, let's get started with

2:17

a question from a patron named Gus.

2:30

My question is, what if Jaya Cat

2:32

was riding a shark in

2:34

outer space? Wow Jaya Cat

2:36

was eating tacos. Oh

2:39

wow, Gus that inspires quite

2:41

the visual. I can't wait to

2:43

see it. And let's add in

2:46

another question from a listener named Zoe.

2:48

My question is Zoe

2:51

and I like dogs. My

2:54

what if question is what if Fred the Dog

2:56

didn't like sex? Bye

2:58

thank you. Oh

3:00

Zoe that is a great question. We just

3:03

have to make sure we don't mention it

3:05

if Fred stops by because I don't think

3:07

don't mention what Mr. Ewick. Hi

3:10

Fred. Um don't

3:13

mention something that you'd be

3:15

upset about hearing. Oh I'm

3:17

a terrible liar. Mr. Ewick. I'm

3:19

a good dog. I can handle what

3:22

did the bad news. I know Fred

3:24

but um but first I've got to

3:26

tell you about the incredible shrinking Nova.

3:28

Oh I see it now. He's a

3:30

new character made up by a patron

3:32

who's good at making comics, being cool,

3:35

and science. And he can shrink

3:37

to atom size and grow to planet size

3:39

because of the shrinkoscope 2000 on

3:42

his back. Wow he sound really

3:44

cool. I bet he a dog

3:46

too. You're right he's like a

3:48

little Frenchie bulldog that sounds very

3:50

cute. I know so we should just get into the

3:52

story so you can meet him. Oh yeah then

3:54

let's go. All right let's find out what

3:57

if JFK was riding a shark in outer

3:59

space while eating tacos and

4:02

what if red the dog didn't like sticks? Wait

4:04

what was that? Oh sorry we're getting it's

4:06

the story time we're the ting-a-ling-a-ling is happening

4:09

so. No you stop that ting-a-ling-a-ling tell me what

4:11

you just said. I just say what if red the

4:13

dog didn't like sticks? No you just said

4:15

the story no no no no no no

4:17

no no. Oh sticks. Grown-ups

4:21

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5:53

Fred the dog had finally fallen

5:55

into a comfortable rhythm with life

5:57

and work. He got up he went to sleep.

6:00

He went to the what house, he helped make

6:02

what if world a better place, then he

6:04

went home and chewed on some

6:06

sticks. That's

6:09

why I'm chewing on sticks because I love

6:11

them near my favorite and no one ever

6:13

digging them away from me, said Fred. The

6:16

way he speaks sounds a little different

6:18

because his tongue is too long for

6:21

his mouth. Everybody knows

6:23

that Mr. Eric just like everybody

6:25

knows that these are my sticks

6:27

forever. I'm just

6:29

going to bury them all in the backyard

6:31

right now to keep them very extra

6:33

safe. But don't you want to

6:35

answer the phone first Fred? Get no phone

6:37

wings. Oh I don't like when you do

6:39

that. Fred the

6:41

dog, Fred Zidant of what if world,

6:43

make it quick I got to bury

6:45

my sticks. Hiya Fred,

6:47

it's JFK your predecessor

6:50

is president. Oh no I call

6:52

it Fred Zidant, it's like my

6:54

own thing. Well Mr. Fred Zidant,

6:56

I'm glad you're back to helping what

6:58

if world, but all you've been doing

7:00

for the past month is working

7:03

and eating sticks. I know, all

7:05

day when I'm working I

7:07

just thinking about eating sticks. But

7:09

there are more important things in

7:11

life than sticks. Name one thing.

7:14

Like space tacos, come on get out

7:16

of the house. I'm riding

7:18

around on a shark up here and out

7:20

of space, by myself. You're with

7:22

me. Okay me and

7:25

Shark Aider and those lasers and

7:27

spaceships and tacos get over here.

7:29

Let me just chew on a few

7:31

sticks first to wet my appetite.

7:33

No you'll ruin your appetite. See

7:36

you soon. See

7:38

Mr. Eric, as long as I don't

7:40

listen to the car to adventure I

7:42

get to keep loving my sticks. Grab

7:45

a friend, don't you need to answer

7:48

the door? Don't you dear

7:50

Mr. Eric. Ding dong. Oh

7:52

for stick's sake. No, no, no, no, no,

7:54

no. Who is

7:56

it? It is I, the incredible

7:59

Shrinking Nova. I can't quite the

8:01

bushing King Nova. What brings you here? Aren't

8:03

you surprised to see me? No, the

8:06

tichen, the bus who made you up.

8:08

He said we're friends already. Oh,

8:10

oh, you're right. Yes, we are good

8:12

friends. Now let me take you to

8:14

outer space. Sorry,

8:16

no, thank you. Bye. All

8:19

right. Fred closed the door in

8:21

his face. But

8:24

we're friends, Fred, said Nova through

8:26

the door. Yeah, but if I

8:28

go eat one of those space tacos, then

8:30

magically I won't like sticks anymore. And I

8:32

don't want that to happen. Wow,

8:34

you sure are a wily one, Fred.

8:36

Yeah, I know. I got

8:39

a good stick. You can

8:41

go away now, Nova. Bye-bye, puppy.

8:44

But Nova shrunk down to the

8:46

size of an atom and slipped

8:48

through the tiniest little molecular gaps

8:51

in the door. Aww. Bet

8:53

you forgot I could do that. Oh,

8:55

fine. You can hang out with me. But

8:57

I'm not leaving this house. It's

8:59

okay. I have to get back

9:01

from saving all of outer space.

9:03

From planet-sized bad guys and particle-sized

9:05

bad guys. Or nothing in between?

9:08

Well, I suppose I could

9:10

face medium-sized bad guys. I never

9:12

really thought about that. Well,

9:14

that's good. So this story can

9:16

be about you and how it's

9:18

weird to be a medium-sized French

9:20

bulldog flying around in

9:22

outer space. Alright, well, let

9:25

me just drop off some fan mail before

9:27

I go. Oh, fan mail? You know, I

9:29

did all the shoutouts this week. Yes, I

9:31

know, Fred. You've actually just got one letter

9:33

from a girl named Zoe. Only

9:36

one letter? Oh, that's weird. Well, let's

9:38

see what this says. Now,

9:40

is it my name Zoe

9:42

or hi Zoe? And I

9:44

like dogs only too. What

9:47

a coincidence. And why the Fred the

9:49

dog didn't like sticks. Uh-oh.

9:53

And magical energy started swirling

9:55

around Fred in a vicious

9:58

vortex of colors inside. I

10:01

just feel like I don't like

10:03

sticks no more suddenly. Oh, um,

10:05

are you sure? Yeah, I'm over

10:07

them. Although now I am feeling

10:09

very hungry. Perfect. We can

10:11

go into outer space together.

10:14

To Maria's Takaria and have

10:16

space tacos. And JF's cat

10:18

will be on a shark and probably something

10:20

else crazy will happen. Okay Nova, I know

10:22

you said you knew to like the what

10:24

if stories and stuff but we usually don't

10:27

like tell people exactly what's gonna happen,

10:29

you know? Of course. Hop on

10:31

my back in my Strangoscope 2000 and

10:33

fly us into outer space. Uh,

10:35

excuse me Nova? Yes, Mr. Eric. I

10:38

normally describe like action stuff like that, you

10:40

know? So I would say like Fred hops

10:42

on Nova's back and they fly into outer

10:44

space together. Well you don't have to say

10:46

it because I already did. Yeah, now you

10:48

both said it. So I feel like we're

10:50

running late story wise. Oh right. Oh

10:53

of course. So there they

10:55

were at Maria's Takaria in outer

10:57

space after an uneventful flight. Fred

11:00

you made it! We're so happy to

11:03

see you. There was JF's

11:05

cat riding atop shark

11:07

gator while munching on a taco.

11:09

Um, whoa this one's really good.

11:12

Well I hope so. I need to

11:14

find something I can love as much

11:16

as sticks. Cause I don't like sticks

11:18

anymore, it's weird. Personally, I don't know

11:20

what you ever saw in those sticks.

11:22

They were well-balanced meals. The bark

11:25

is fiber. The dirt is minnows.

11:27

And then the stick itself is

11:29

like a tough doggy toothbrush. Sticks

11:31

are not good for dogs. Dog

11:34

food is good for

11:36

dogs. I know I know

11:38

but then what if world I can

11:40

occasionally dodge on a forest full

11:42

of sticks. Or at

11:44

least I used to. Oh forget

11:46

it, try this dog food taco. Okay

11:48

let me try it. Oh

11:52

no. Whoa

11:54

you chokes that down quickly. Said

11:57

shark gator. As JF cat ordered

11:59

another A round of tacos for everyone.

12:01

And Maria de Jesus Iron Hands

12:04

the Fire Lioness brought them out.

12:06

Oh, hi, Moby de Jesus Iron

12:08

Hands the Fire Lioness. I've always

12:10

wondered. Am I related to Jesus

12:13

Iron Hands the Fire Lion? Yeah!

12:15

I'm his mother, and I make

12:17

all of his favorite food here. We're bound

12:19

to find something that you love. It's

12:21

the best restaurant in all of

12:24

outer space. You might even say

12:26

her food is out of- no,

12:28

don't say it. Out of this

12:30

world. Ugh. Oh,

12:33

Jojo. Hahaha, it's a space

12:35

joke. Now you might

12:38

be wondering about now how all

12:40

of these imaginary characters were hanging

12:42

out in the cold, deadly vacuum

12:44

of space, seemingly unharmed. But

12:46

don't worry, when I finish explaining

12:49

this to you, it'll all make

12:51

perfect sense. Dinner is ready, said

12:53

Maria de Jesus, and a fleet

12:55

of servers brought out almost every

12:58

item of food on the menu. Oh,

13:01

that smells good. And Freddy's

13:03

tail wagged a little, but he

13:05

still didn't quite seem himself. Try

13:08

a red chile enchilada. Wash down

13:10

with horchata blanca. A

13:12

twire red chile enchilada. Wash down

13:15

with horchata blanca. Yum, yum,

13:17

yum, yum. Enjoy

13:19

this mango with cilantro,

13:21

coconut and paleo-dagato. Wait, doesn't

13:23

that mean cat hair? Well,

13:27

yes, I tried it first. Yum,

13:29

yum, yum. Crunch these blue

13:32

corn pierce cutters and fluffy puffy

13:34

empanadas. Agh, agh,

13:36

agh, agh, agh, agh, agh, agh, agh, agh, agh.

13:38

Would you try a taco that was made by

13:41

Pa by JFKat? Oh,

13:43

oh, thank you, it's a little more kaffir.

13:46

Would you eat with us in outer

13:48

space during a shark and shark? In

13:51

outer space during a shark

13:53

and space dog race. Would

13:55

you, could you, with a dog? I am

13:58

a dog, Novak, guys, Dr. Sousa. did

14:00

a lot better job a day so can we just

14:02

swap it?" Then Shark

14:04

Gator and Nova stopped speeding

14:06

around outer space and Maria

14:08

De Jesus shook her head

14:10

and started clearing their plates.

14:13

That was the greatest meal of

14:15

my life. I agree. Yes indeed.

14:18

It was delicious. I am glad

14:20

that you liked it. I am sorry that your

14:22

friend did not agree. I will throw the

14:24

rest in the trash. In

14:26

the what? The trash, La Basura?

14:30

What's happening? Oh,

14:32

this is not good. And Fred

14:34

started swimming through outer space on

14:36

his way back around the side

14:38

of the restaurant. How

14:41

can he still be hungry? I'm

14:43

stuffed and I weigh over 30

14:46

metric tons. Well

14:48

you may be a megalodon but you never

14:50

lived out on the street. Where

14:53

is it? Where is

14:55

La Basura? I am sorry Fred.

14:57

It's not on the menu. It's

15:00

trash. You take away our dog's

15:02

sticks. Why does he have left?

15:04

Fred remember when we were out

15:06

in the street together eating

15:09

garbage? I loved the garbage.

15:11

And Fred had found the dumpster back around

15:14

the side of the restaurant. He was already

15:16

lifting up the lid with his massive tongue.

15:18

When? I'm sorry Fred.

15:20

I had to grow to tremendous size

15:23

and hold you by the scruff of

15:25

the neck. But see Nova, that's where

15:27

I probably would have just described that.

15:30

Ah yes, why don't you describe what

15:32

I'm doing now and we'll start over.

15:34

Okay great. So Nova, the incredible shrinking

15:36

dog, let go of Fred and wait

15:39

no no no don't let go of him. Garbage.

15:42

Oh Fred slipped inside the dumpster

15:45

and was rooting around in there

15:47

like an animal. Fred you've gotta

15:49

stop. I remember when we

15:51

used to eat that stuff. We felt

15:53

terrible all the time. I

15:55

thought it was probably the sticks that made me

15:58

feel bad. You three need to get killed. that

16:00

dog out of my dumpster and

16:02

leave. Sorry Maria

16:04

Dezus. And Shark Gator lifted

16:06

the lid of the dumpster with

16:09

his massive fin. Enova

16:11

shrunk back down to normal size

16:13

and climbed in with aww

16:57

my stomach hurts. It's probably

17:00

because I haven't had enough sticks

17:02

today. It's probably because

17:04

you just ate a bag of weak

17:06

old refried beans. At least we're all

17:09

very much hoping that they were beans.

17:12

Now you get me out of here. I

17:14

don't know what's wrong with me. And

17:17

Nova and JFK pulled the

17:19

very stinky Fred out of the

17:21

garbage. Aw gosh I really

17:23

wet. Let me get all Fred. Blah blah blah

17:25

blah blah blah. I'm just gonna shrink out of

17:27

the way. Oh I shouldn't have announced what I

17:30

was doing before I did it. See I'm trying

17:32

to tell you Nova. And sticky

17:34

splashes of stuff were all

17:36

over everybody. And more droplets

17:39

were floating around in outer

17:41

space. It should

17:43

probably be impossible to smell

17:45

things in space. Oh

17:48

but I can. I'm very good

17:51

at science. And I can explain

17:53

exactly why. We're all able to

17:55

smell things and breathe in outer

17:57

space with a perfectly reasonable- Fred

18:00

this is all my fault. I

18:02

asked Nova to bring you that letter

18:04

cuz I want to do to stop

18:06

eating sticks and Start hanging out with

18:08

your friends. George a fluffy cat. How

18:10

could you? Well, you do kind of

18:12

have an obsessive personality That

18:15

completely ridiculous. I still have

18:17

garbage on me I

18:23

can't stop watching. No tongue should

18:25

be that color Fred cut it

18:27

out I

18:30

guess I see what you

18:33

mean sticks aren't entirely unhealthy

18:35

like chlorine and concussions But

18:37

any habit that makes you

18:39

stop enjoying other people and

18:41

activities My

18:44

youth we have really open my eyes I'm

18:47

gonna turn over a new leaf Why'd

18:49

after I jump in this garbage again?

18:51

Didn't I tell the four of you

18:53

to get out of my restaurant? Shouted

18:55

Maria de Jesus breathing a

18:57

jet of fire over their heads Okay,

19:03

let's go I know a shortcut where

19:05

it out of space Everything's

19:07

a straight line. Oh man. He

19:09

cooked up all the garbage with a

19:12

fire lion. Bweth. That's Shame,

19:16

I guess what do you think? I want

19:18

to eat cooked garbage And

19:21

the four of them fled back towards what

19:23

if world come back again when you're not

19:25

going to dumpster dive Whoa

19:29

at the west wing of the what

19:31

house where Fred had buried dozens of

19:33

sticks boy Digging a hole

19:35

in the floor. Yeah, I asked them to

19:37

make me a stick-twap door

19:40

But I think Zoe was

19:42

tried to do you a favor Fred

19:44

by breaking you of an

19:46

unhealthy habit Did

19:49

you mean that if I learned to have

19:51

a stick of moderation? Then

19:53

I'll start enjoying them again. I

19:56

hope so because all I can't stand the smell of

19:58

you right now It's bath

20:01

time, Mr. President. Said Mr.

20:03

Mouser, holding a towel and a

20:05

scrub brush. Wait a second. If

20:08

I roll around in garbage, it means

20:10

I have to take a bath? That's

20:13

generally the rule. Okay,

20:16

I think I'm ready to give up that bad

20:18

habit. So we can just skip

20:21

the bath altogether, right?

20:24

I'm para-afraid not. Let's

20:26

go, friend. I'll

20:28

just make myself clean. Your tongue

20:30

is still covered in trash slime.

20:33

I didn't take but a bath. I

20:35

hope you remember that next time

20:37

you try to eat garbage. Sticks,

20:40

save me! Oh,

20:43

what good are you sticks anyway? The

20:46

end. All

20:52

right, Zoe and Gus, I hope you enjoyed your

20:54

story. And Tyson, thanks for

20:56

adding in that cool character, the

20:58

incredible Shrinking Nova. If you

21:00

want a shout-out on the show, early access

21:03

to ad-free episodes, and

21:05

access to tons of other

21:07

prizes, check us out at

21:09

patreon.com/whatifworld. And if it's not the

21:11

right time to join us on Patreon, you

21:13

can leave us a rating and review on

21:15

Apple Podcasts. And you might as

21:17

well drop a what-if question in there while you're

21:19

at it. I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my

21:21

co-creator, Craig Martinson for our theme song,

21:24

my producer, Miss Lynn, the Chan

21:26

Gonzalez family for feeding me and your son, Eddie,

21:29

all of your amazing food, and all

21:31

you kids at home who know the

21:33

difference between a fun hobby and a

21:35

bad habit. Until we meet again.