0:04

What if kittens beat the clock each

0:06

beat? And

0:09

what if unicorns were real?

0:13

What if you could fly or

0:15

travel back in time? We welcome

0:17

you to What If World What

0:20

if world? This

0:26

is What If World

0:29

What if world?

0:33

Hey there folks and welcome back to What If World. The

0:35

show where your questions and ideas

0:37

inspire off-the-cuff stories. I'm Mr.

0:39

Eric, your host, and today I have

0:42

gussied up the audio of a weird

0:44

and wonderful old story from

0:46

back when J.F. Cat was still president

0:48

of What If World. And

0:50

it all starts with a write-in question from

0:52

a listener named Anoki. I'll read it

0:55

to you now. My name

0:57

is Anoki and I like talking

0:59

rainbows. And my question is what

1:01

if J.F. Cat controlled everything and

1:03

could read minds? And

1:06

it just so happens we had another

1:08

question that ties in perfectly with

1:10

yours. This is from Sempy

1:12

who also wrote in. Mr. Eric,

1:14

why don't you just let me

1:17

read that question? Oh well, I

1:19

figure you're probably going to be in

1:21

this story so I... So people are

1:24

going to hear enough of my voice?

1:26

Yeah, actually. Do you find my voice

1:28

annoying? Me? No.

1:31

I mean I'm from Boston. Boston?

1:33

What's Boston got to do with

1:35

anything? Well you're... it's just

1:37

a... This is a perfectly acceptable new

1:40

what city accent. I'm not

1:42

so sure it is. Irregardless, I'm going

1:44

to read Sempy's question. We know now

1:46

that irregardless is not a word. Hi,

1:48

this is Sempy. I like police Legos.

1:51

My question is what if Mr. Eric couldn't tell

1:53

the story? What if J.F. Cat had to tell

1:56

the story? And what if Abacus P. Grembler turned

1:58

everyone into police officers? Wow. You... You

2:00

read that so fast, I usually like

2:02

to let the audience hear the questions.

2:04

Well, it doesn't matter cause I'm telling

2:06

the story today! No, it says, but

2:09

if Mr. Eric couldn't tell the story,

2:11

and my throat's feeling perfectly... Ugh, ugh,

2:13

ugh, ugh... What's that? You got a

2:15

hairball? No, I just... Now

2:17

that you mention it, I'm not feeling so

2:20

good today. Well, don't worry Mr. Eric, I'll

2:22

take good care of your story. But

2:25

how can you be in a

2:27

story if it's about you? I'm

2:29

the president, every story's about me,

2:32

in my imagination. Okay, okay, well,

2:34

I'll stick around in case, you

2:36

know, in case you have any

2:38

trouble. Let's find out what if

2:40

JFK had to tell the story,

2:42

and Abacus turned everyone into police

2:44

officers, plus I can control minds

2:46

and all that, control everything and

2:48

read minds. I like to

2:50

try to be specific to the kid's question.

2:52

Today's story will begin with Mr. Eric, criminal,

2:55

a sock in it. I will do no

2:57

such thing. Wow,

3:00

I really can control everything today.

3:02

This is gonna be fun. Bye

3:26

bye. Thanks

3:56

for watching. it

4:00

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4:54

Now back to the show! Once

5:03

upon a time, JFK was

5:06

beating a coalition of cheaters in

5:08

a foot race. He's so fast.

5:10

But he's so much tinier than

5:12

us. How is it possible? Because

5:15

I'm the president, I said,

5:17

and then I flew a thousand feet

5:19

into the air with one final

5:22

leap across the finish line. Whoa!

5:24

Said a bunch of bears. That's

5:26

one fast cat. We should give

5:29

him all of our salmon. Oh

5:31

no, please, and thank you, I'll

5:33

take it yes. And

5:36

I finished eating their salmon, just

5:38

as all the cheaters finally caught

5:40

up. You didn't leave any salmon

5:42

for us cheaters? He didn't leave

5:44

any salmon for us bears! Don't

5:46

worry about it. I'm

5:48

president. Excuse me, Mr. President.

5:51

It was Mr. Mousa,

5:53

JFK, delicious, delicious

5:56

looking secretary of plate

5:58

or We

6:01

came here to help with the recovery

6:03

effort. Also cheaters don't

6:05

live very close to bears. I

6:08

don't care, it's my story. Very

6:10

well. And suddenly I

6:12

used my brain powers to

6:14

read his thoughts. Meow, wow,

6:16

wow, wow, wow, wow. Why

6:18

are you making that noise, Mr.

6:20

President? I think it's to signify

6:22

his brain reading abilities. Yes, exactly.

6:24

I think brain reading sounds more

6:27

like bear, bear, bear, bear, bear,

6:29

bear, bear. That's ridiculous. You

6:31

don't need to read my mind. I

6:33

just told you I don't approve of

6:35

what you're doing here. But

6:37

it was too late, or I was already

6:40

reading his mind. I don't approve of what

6:42

you're doing here. Meow, I've

6:45

never looked at it that way. Alright,

6:47

these bears and

6:49

cheaters have suffered devastating habitat loss.

6:52

Ever since you made those new

6:54

kitty litter freeways. Oh, I made

6:56

other kinds of freeways too. I

7:00

know your free freeways for

7:02

everyone initiative. Who was- I

7:04

paved streets with something for

7:06

everyone. Kitty litter for the cats,

7:08

sticks for the dogs, vegan baloney

7:10

for the humans. I'm afraid no

7:13

one likes vegan baloney. Especially not

7:15

to drive on it. Well, for

7:17

I don't see you having any

7:20

better ideas. Ej, Efk, if you

7:22

would have me appear in

7:24

the story now, I could

7:26

turn everyone into police officers. We

7:28

need to get to that pretty soon.

7:31

Gramit calculator? It's abacus. Your name is

7:33

Calc U L Aider. Alright, we'll play

7:35

along this week. And why would everyone

7:38

want to be police officers anyway? Well,

7:40

I were a police officer. I could

7:42

stop people from eating my salmon. People

7:45

other than the president you mean. Uh,

7:47

sure. And if we

7:49

were police officers, we could make sure

7:51

people didn't run too fast. That way

7:53

we would catch all the prey. I

7:56

don't know. I'd really like to hear

7:58

a rainbow's opinion on the... I

8:00

think you're doing a tremendous job

8:02

and everyone loves you and you

8:04

should nap under my many colored

8:07

arch And so that's

8:09

exactly what the cat did. Thanks

8:11

rainbow. You're really smart You

8:14

heard her she said I'm doing great and

8:17

should take a nap the end herr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r

8:22

Wait was it was that your was that

8:24

you're coming back to what his world

8:26

sound Listen, I'm a cat. Oh, I

8:28

have a limited range of vocalizations You

8:30

know some great cats can't even pair

8:33

who what? Purr

8:35

exactly you just said purr-r-r-r-r when

8:37

you came back and now you can't

8:39

say the R and purr. No, I said R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r

8:42

those were several R sounds agreed

8:44

to disagree. What great story this

8:47

week, mr. Eric. See you next

8:49

time Well, you

8:51

didn't really resolve anything sure I

8:53

did I took a nap Oh, no, but

8:55

she didn't learn anything. I learned that there's

8:57

nothing an app can't fix Well, no, there's

9:00

really not much that an app can fix

9:02

other than feeling tired. Do you want to

9:04

tell this story? Mr. Eric I I do

9:06

I really do but every time I tried

9:11

That's cuz it's my story. Okay.

9:13

Well since you can control everything and

9:15

read everyone's mind Why don't you just

9:18

go back into that story and see

9:20

how everyone's doing? Okay under one condition

9:22

Sure, or I get to sit here

9:24

while you pet me Okay, and feed

9:26

me imported dry cat food. You got

9:29

it marinated in wet cat food Yeah,

9:31

just give me a minute. Oh, this

9:33

is gonna have it out for me

9:35

and you can't bring up other

9:37

cats while I'm around Okay. Okay.

9:40

Okay. All right. Listen is you

9:42

think my napping plan didn't work

9:44

out? Well, let's just see I

9:48

woke from a dream where I rode a

9:50

rocket ship in outer space and took all

9:53

the lasers away from the aliens And

9:55

was playing with them forever at the

9:57

tutors of all ran off Their

10:00

coalition is broken. Why didn't you

10:02

do anything about it? You control everything

10:04

in this story, so... They've just been

10:06

sitting here, washing you asleep. And you've

10:08

been cuddled up on me this whole

10:11

time. Bears don't generally like when kiddies

10:13

cuddle up on them like this. Okay,

10:15

fine. Let me just stretch you. Aaaah!

10:18

Aaaah! Wait, could you please

10:21

quit it with the claws? Oh, don't worry.

10:23

I'm almost... Aaaah! Oh,

10:26

wait! What's going on? Come on, come on.

10:28

I got a bear hide, not an

10:30

alligator hide. Okay, let me just circle

10:32

around with my claws out one more

10:34

time. Oh, this is just... Alright, now

10:37

I know what to do. I'll turn

10:39

everyone into police officers. We seriously could've

10:41

done that five minutes ago. The story

10:43

would be... Now I want you to

10:45

turn everyone into police officers, while I

10:47

bat around your crystal ball. Oh, but

10:50

I just finished crafting it. It's pure

10:52

amethyst. Am-a-what? Alright,

10:55

well, abracamagic, everyone's police

10:57

officers. Poof. What kind of spell

10:59

do you call that? I don't

11:01

know, Mr. Eric usually thinks of

11:03

something a little more

11:05

clever than that. Wait, all I

11:08

have to think of is a

11:10

spell? You are controlling everything. Oh,

11:12

oh, oh, I'm getting something. I

11:14

know, I know. Just, uh, give

11:16

you a minute. Abracacodfish. And hocus

11:19

cuddlefish. You're just rhyming fish with

11:21

fish. Oh, I know, I'm thinking.

11:23

Napsir, I'm afraid of dolphins. Police

11:26

officers. And

11:28

after abacus finished casting

11:30

his flawless spell... Yeah!

11:33

Flawless spell. Okay. Everyone

11:35

everywhere was police officers.

11:38

Excuse me. Said the rainbow.

11:40

Am I also a police

11:42

officer? Ah, sure, you're, yeah,

11:44

every, everybody is one. Then

11:47

you're under arrest for napping through

11:49

a crisis. Listen, I don't nap

11:51

through every crisis. It's just hard

11:53

telling a story and being a

11:55

president at the same time. And

11:57

you're under arrest for tickling mite.

12:00

tender, fair belly with your tail.

12:02

Since when is that a crime? I

12:04

have to agree, um, you

12:06

all should be protecting and

12:08

serving, not immediately arrested.

12:10

Thank you, Mr. Mouser.

12:13

Everything was all better, so

12:15

I walked away, but then

12:17

a rainbow wall appeared in

12:19

front of me. I'm sorry,

12:22

but under rainbow law you have

12:24

committed a crime. And under fair

12:26

law, nobody's allowed to

12:29

tickle our fluffy bellies. This

12:31

is ridiculous boy, control it.

12:37

I don't want to do a hairball right now.

12:42

I mean, honestly, it's the longest

12:44

you've gone without coughing up a

12:46

hairball. Oh, I'd say five or six

12:48

stories. Out with the hair

12:50

block. And I choked

12:53

up a bunch of old plastic

12:55

building blocks I'd eaten. Mr.

12:57

President, you're under arrest for the

12:59

illegal consumption of building blocks. Oh,

13:02

for crud, you weren't alive when

13:04

I- That does not matter. You've

13:06

made literally everything into police officers, and

13:08

that includes us. Well, then wouldn't the

13:10

ground be a police officer, and I'd

13:12

be under arrest for walking on it?

13:14

Oh, now that you mention it. Quiet

13:17

ground. Hey, can you

13:20

stop breathing me? So

13:22

that I could arrest you. Quiet

13:24

air! Oh, Rainbow, I

13:27

should have listened to you and just

13:29

taken an air- Well, that wasn't what

13:31

I was thinking. It was just what

13:33

you wanted me to say. And

13:35

the rainbow scooped me up in

13:37

a misty hug and pulled me

13:39

into the sky. My name

13:41

is Ray Nooke, and I've

13:43

seen everything you've done as

13:46

president. You mean everything I've

13:48

done after it rained? Well, it's

13:50

always just rained somewhere. Okay, Ray

13:52

Nooke, I'll read your mind and-

13:54

I don't want you to- Well,

13:56

tough, it's my story. Fine. And

13:59

the rainbow- both dropped me. I'll

14:04

catch you, J.F. Cat. Perfect.

14:06

Thank you. Now please undo

14:09

this magic. Of course, of

14:11

course. I will just totally

14:13

undo it right after I

14:15

arrest you for breaking my

14:17

crystal ball. Well, wait. Shouldn't

14:20

the president be above the

14:22

law? But it's

14:24

only because of law and order

14:26

that you have any power at

14:28

all. You're kidding me. You mean

14:30

a president is policed by their

14:32

people? He or she should not

14:35

have to be. But unfortunately,

14:37

in this case, you need

14:39

to be set straight. Just

14:42

then alone, Cheetah was seen

14:44

sprinting across the dried-up savannah.

14:47

President cast, all the cheetahs have

14:49

split, trying to survive on their

14:52

own. But the savannah does not

14:54

have enough food and water for

14:56

all of us. Oh, I'm sorry.

14:58

I can't help you. I'm under

15:00

arrest like 50 times. Maybe

15:03

I haven't been a good

15:05

enough president. Oh, don't say that,

15:07

J.F. Cat. You definitely haven't been

15:10

a good enough president. Ouch.

15:12

That hurts. But we need a leader

15:14

right now. You're right. Listen, can you

15:16

all wait to arrest me for about

15:19

three minutes while we wrap up this

15:21

story? Okay. If

15:24

you are going to lead for a change...

15:26

Here, I'm getting sleepy anyway. You actually have

15:28

total control over us, so it's kind of

15:30

a mood for you. Alright, bears. Start digging

15:32

out that river. Oh, who are going to

15:34

have to work? Wind, rainbows. Start whipping

15:36

up some rain. I'll

15:39

try. Little police building blocks.

15:41

Oh, hi. I forgot we were here.

15:43

I want you and the ground to

15:45

work together to shore up this new

15:47

stream we're making. I kinda don't need

15:49

help from a little plastic block. That's

15:51

Officer Little Plastic Block. Mr. Mouser. Yes?

15:54

Send the memo to all the cheetahs

15:56

to come back this way. Oh, I

15:58

love memos. And abacay- Yes,

16:00

Mr. President! Make everyone not police

16:02

officers anymore. A good old story

16:05

flip-flop. I'm on it. Al-ka-sham!

16:07

Wait, why am I doing

16:09

this? But he'd

16:12

already cast a spell. And

16:14

they weren't police officers anymore.

16:16

So JFK wasn't under arrest.

16:18

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! You've got to be

16:20

kidding me. Oh, Moana Press

16:22

trying to help you. Eaters

16:25

are an actual peril right

16:27

now. But also it started

16:29

raining. And that river split off

16:31

into a little stream through the whole savannah.

16:34

And then that kitty president did

16:36

the toughest thing of all. Not

16:39

a hairball. Not

16:41

a hairball. A salmon ball.

16:43

Remember when he miraculously ate

16:45

about 600 pounds of salmon

16:49

at the beginning of the story?

16:51

It's impossible. Not as impossible as

16:53

me hawking it all back up.

16:56

So the cheaters can have some.

16:58

Purr purr purr purr purr purr

17:00

purr purr purr purr purr. That's

17:02

the sound of salmon shooting all

17:04

over the savannah. And like a

17:06

line leading the cheaters towards

17:08

the stream so they can

17:10

drink water. Wow, this all

17:12

worked out really well. Implauseably

17:14

well. How'd that little kitty

17:17

hold all this salmon? But

17:19

soon enough people stopped questioning

17:21

the ridiculousness of the ending.

17:23

And all gathered back by

17:25

the river to pet JFK.

17:28

Oh, you did it. You're a

17:30

hero. The good things

17:32

you've done today slightly outweigh the

17:34

bad. He may have done good

17:37

today. But perhaps it's time for

17:39

what if we're to have a

17:41

new president. Said Raynoke. JFK

17:43

decided to use his mind

17:45

reading powers one last time.

17:48

Meow wow wow wow wow

17:50

wow wow. Meowee wowee

17:52

wow. Meow meow. Purr

17:54

purr purr meow. Meow

17:56

meow meow. Meow

17:58

pew meow. You're all

18:00

thinking that I'm not a good president? I

18:03

am! I mean, you're a very

18:05

cute president. The absolute cutest. Your

18:07

Instagram has the most followers. We

18:09

dress you up when you go

18:11

to sleep. Which is most of

18:13

the time. Very well. Then I

18:15

shall do what I do best

18:18

and take a nap while you all

18:20

look for a new president. Gasp!

18:24

Surprise! The

18:26

twist. The end.

18:32

Well, JFK, what would you do

18:35

if there were another president? I

18:37

don't know. I'd probably be

18:39

the first cat-like member of

18:41

the fur force. Just like

18:43

you were the first cat-like president? You better

18:45

believe it. Who do you

18:47

think should replace you? Well, I

18:49

sort of became president by pushing a

18:52

red button. So I guess

18:54

whoever pushes the button... That

18:56

doesn't seem very democratic. Maybe

18:59

not, but it's perfectly democatic that... Oh,

19:01

I thought we'd be past jokes like

19:03

this. You were mistaken.

19:06

Yeah, well folks at home, I hope you

19:08

enjoyed our story. You can help our show

19:10

keep going by writing a

19:12

nice rating and review on

19:14

Apple Podcasts or wherever you

19:17

listen, or by supporting us

19:19

on Patreon at patreon.com/whatifworld for

19:21

ad-free episodes, a shout-out on

19:23

the show, snail mail rewards, a

19:25

monthly bonus episode, and more.

19:28

I'd like to thank Karen O'Keeffe, my

19:30

co-creator, my producer, Miss Lynn, Craig Martinson

19:32

for our theme song, and all you

19:34

kids at home who know you don't

19:36

need all the power in the world

19:38

to be happy. But if you speak

19:40

your mind, listen to your friends, and

19:42

go try to do something nice every

19:44

now and then, you might start to

19:47

feel just as fulfilled as a cat

19:49

taking a nap. Until

19:51

we meet again. you