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0:13

The Unyoke podcast navigating the pain,

0:17

process and possibilities after a christian

0:20

divorce. You some of us were just roommates with

0:28

our ex spouses. Some of us were great co

0:32

parents, some maybe just business and convenient

0:36

partners. But for many of us, our marriage was

0:39

a time of being best friends, having a true

0:43

life partner to navigate our journey in this world,

0:47

somebody to have your back in tough times and somebody to share

0:51

the good times. There's a saying. Shared

0:54

joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half

0:58

sorrow. No matter the level of the relationship you shared

1:02

with your spouse, there is no doubt many of us have

1:06

suffered real loneliness post divorce,

1:09

crushing loneliness as we find our way to being single

1:13

and alone. Not just in bed, not just

1:17

in the kitchen table, not just traveling, but in

1:21

decision making, life goals, partner

1:24

navigation it's hard, real hard, to

1:28

battle with loneliness. And today we're going to discuss

1:32

all the issues surrounded being a lonely

1:35

christian single post divorce. Let's start with the

1:39

cold, hard realities. Being lonely can lead to some

1:43

real dark places, and I can 100% promise

1:46

you it can lead to some real bad decisions.

1:50

For those of you listening to this episode, just know if

1:54

you're thinking that just going and hanging out at church more,

1:58

or joining a small group or God forbid, date

2:01

Jesus, it's just not that simple. The kind of

2:04

lonely I want to hit on first isn't just oh,

2:08

I need some new friends or something to keep me busy. It is.

2:12

I am alone, alone when I don't want to be,

2:16

and it feels like all my options are all gone. Let

2:20

me explain it this way. My dad died a few years back,

2:23

literally right in the crux of my fighting for my

2:27

marriage. Like my ex moved out two days

2:31

after my dad's funeral. I never really got to mourn

2:35

his death because I had the unfortunate crisis that

2:38

superseded my grieving. Then a few years later,

2:42

after a long battle with dementia, my mother passed.

2:46

Wow. It was a double barrel grieving moment.

2:49

I finally had time to sit in it. I

2:53

missed my dad and I mourned his loss.

2:57

I missed my mom and I mourned her loss.

3:00

But something weird happened I didn't expect.

3:04

I mourned the loss of both my parents. Frankly,

3:08

I felt orphaned, alone in the world,

3:11

knowing that there was no nest to fly back to

3:15

in times of trouble. No phone call home to ask for

3:19

advice or to tell about my day to share

3:22

joy, to ask for answers to questions. What was the

3:26

name of that store we used to visit on our drive to West Texas? What

3:30

was your sister's birthday? All the abilities

3:34

to talk about us was gone.

3:37

Now, this hit me at the exact same time. I lost my

3:41

wife, my best friend, and my kids were

3:45

empty nest age and they're flying out on their own lives. My

3:48

soul was crushed. I experienced lonely

3:52

in a way I'm not sure I can even described. I

3:56

was crushed to my core. Hell, I'm still in therapy about

4:00

it all. This level of alone isn't

4:03

fixed with a card night on Tuesdays or

4:07

volunteering for the youth program at church. Although some

4:11

of you listening might have filed for your divorce and you may

4:14

have made absolutely the right decision. Maybe some of you listening,

4:18

you're the sole responsibility for your divorce. Maybe you're

4:22

somewhere in between. Still, that doesn't change the

4:25

fact. Your shattering of your routines, your

4:29

realities, the absent of your life partner

4:32

is causing some real moments of pain. It's a

4:36

loneliness that comes from the deep realities that everything you

4:40

once knew is gone and it can't be

4:43

restored. It's a mourning and a boredom that

4:47

blends together. When the grip of loneliness takes

4:50

hold, your mind can begin to wander down treacherous

4:54

paths. Thoughts of a lifetime of solitude start to

4:57

haunt you, fueled by a long list of perceived

5:01

flaws that you constantly remind yourself of.

5:05

You can find yourself trapped in a downward spiral

5:08

of misery, unable to break free. I promise

5:12

you that every person that goes through a divorce experiences gut

5:16

wrenching loneliness. In some cases, individuals

5:20

may even encounter this loneliness while still in their

5:23

marriages before the decision to even divorce. Some

5:27

choose to ignore it or immerse themselves in activities like

5:30

dating or affairs. Seeking a distraction from the

5:34

pain, others use this loneliness as a fuel to

5:38

anger towards their ex spouse. Loneliness is a

5:41

natural part of the healing process after divorce.

5:45

Loneliness is intertwined with grief, as it involves

5:49

bidding farewell to so much, including

5:53

a sense of belonging, that you'll wonder if you'll ever get to

5:56

experience again. There are lonely triggers, some that

6:00

stay with you until they're addressed. Yard work I hear that a

6:04

lot from women pumping gas, doing bills,

6:07

cooking certain meals, grocery shopping,

6:11

holidays, traveling, all the things your

6:15

partner used to do or help with or traditions your

6:18

family held. They're reminders, sometimes painful,

6:22

sometimes just general reminders that you are

6:26

on your own now. For those of you that missed the church

6:29

episode, where's this weird catch 22? We feel

6:33

the one place we should feel accepted and valued to

6:37

help us with our loneliness is also the place we feel the least

6:41

heard and valued. It's a true shame. We also

6:44

discuss losing friends and how that extra layer of loneliness

6:48

as people we once relied on have fallen away.

6:52

But let's be fair. In the beginning, you may have sought

6:56

soulless in isolation as a means of coping with the

6:59

intense pain caused by the end of your marriage. You tried to

7:03

find comfort in the presence of your existing friends,

7:07

those who you knew before the divorce. It's natural to

7:11

seek such protection after such a significant life event.

7:14

However, you may now find yourself facing a different

7:17

challenge. While the pain persists, you no longer feel a

7:21

sense of belonging with those friends. Instead, you sense

7:25

a growing distance, a feeling of being different from

7:29

them. You know that feeling of being alone in a

7:32

group, right? Yeah, we may all be together, but

7:36

you guys get to go home and snuggle. You guys get to go home and

7:39

do life together. I'm going home. Yet alone

7:43

again. The reason for the separation is that they're

7:47

married. You're not. Your life and circumstances have

7:50

changed, and you no longer fit as seamlessly as you once

7:54

did. This isn't necessarily due to any action on their

7:58

part, just rather a consequent of your transformed

8:01

identity after divorce. I remember once getting

8:05

mad at being alone. I had get up and had to

8:09

go to use a restroom in the middle of the night. I looked over at

8:12

the empty side of the bed and I remember just flinging off

8:15

the blanket off me and I popped right up. I was pissed

8:19

that I was alone. I was mad that I was sleeping

8:23

alone. I was mad that I felt forced into this situation.

8:27

I wanted somebody to talk to. I wanted somebody. I had

8:31

to be quiet when I went to the restroom. I wanted somebody I could

8:34

cuddle back next to. When I got back in the bed, all that

8:38

familiarity was gone and I didn't like it at all.

8:42

Now, with time, you come to terms with the reality that your

8:45

life as a suddenly single person is just

8:49

distinct of that of a married individual. If you can't

8:53

have that person in your life, you may yearn for someone who

8:56

can truly comprehend the complexities of your new life. There

9:00

are numerous individuals who deeply understand what you're going

9:04

through. They are fellow suddenly single people. We're

9:07

out here, we're an army. And no, I'm not suggesting diving

9:11

into the dating scene. I'm talking about making genuine

9:15

friendships. Dating may be the worst idea right now, so let's

9:19

talk about that. A large percentage of you listening are

9:22

codependent, and after divorces, we can

9:25

experience very low self esteem and of course,

9:28

depression and unfortunately, even PTSD.

9:32

This codependency shares traits with these other

9:36

closely related phenomenons. Let me prove it.

9:40

Here are ten signs of codependency. One,

9:43

individuals who are codependent often struggle with low self

9:47

esteem. They constantly seek approval, crave attention,

9:50

and a desire to be needed despite possessing

9:54

potential skills and professional experience, or

9:58

even talent. Two, they may exhibit controlling

10:01

behavior, instructing others about how to behave. While they

10:05

yearn to maintain control over themselves and others,

10:09

they lack confidence to believe in their own abilities and rely

10:13

on others to define them. Three, codependent

10:16

individuals constantly seek approval, attention, and

10:20

the sense of importance from others. Four, they go to great

10:24

lengths to please other, even when it's not necessary.

10:28

Five, codependent individuals tend to take care of

10:31

everyone around them. These traits stem from the

10:35

need to feel needed, important, and acknowledged by

10:38

others. Six, throughout this process, codependent

10:42

individuals become reactive to others, often neglecting their own

10:46

well being while being proactive in helping others.

10:50

Seven, as a result, their personal interests take a backseat and

10:53

their relationship becomes exploitive for the codependent,

10:57

even though they may exhibit controlling behavior and expert

11:01

control over others. Eight, codependent individuals may

11:04

experience strong emotions but are emotionally vulnerable.

11:08

They rely on relationships and others to validate their self worth.

11:12

And nine, where they may possess individual strengths and

11:16

capabilities, they are reluctant to explore them

11:19

independently. Their entire existence revolves around the

11:23

presence of others. And lastly, ten, codependents

11:27

may also develop dependencies on substances or

11:31

exhibit personality disorders as a byproduct of their

11:34

codependency. Until you fix these traits,

11:38

you have no business dating. And dating will create way

11:42

more problems than it fixes. Just like we

11:45

tell it's just like a drug addict. He thinks his

11:49

next hit fixes his problems, when really it's just making

11:53

his problems way worse. Now, you can have

11:57

friends of the opposite sex, right, if you're thinking about dating. But just don't

12:00

think that your issues will go away when you find someone who fills

12:04

your time and sits on a couch with you and takes you to dinner.

12:08

We are social animals. We need friends. Hillary

12:12

reminds me of a joke of the guy who moved into a wilderness,

12:16

and he was there for months and months and months, and he finally looked across

12:41

the valley, and he saw another man way in

12:45

the distance pulling a mule, and he waved him down and hollered, and it took

12:48

him 30 minutes to meet in the middle. Let's take a quick break. Are you facing the

12:56

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13:31

And the guy goes, oh, I didn't know anybody was out here. And the guy

13:35

goes, yeah, you're my neighbor. I've been looking at you, waiting on you to get

13:38

settled in. Goes, man, I'm just lonely out here. And the guy goes,

13:42

well, why don't you come to my house tonight? We're going to have a big

13:45

party. There's going to be all the fighting and gambling and drinking you can handle.

13:49

The guy goes, great. What time does everybody get there? He goes, oh, it's just

13:52

going to be me and you anytime. Five, right? It's just people

13:56

need people in their lives, right? And sometimes they'll put up with anything

14:00

just to be by somebody. You need friends, but who?

14:03

I think the difference is, depending on your stage of

14:07

life with young kids, you will do much better with people.

14:10

Lockstep with your kids activities, lawn chairs, bleacher

14:14

seats, tryouts, practices and games in the

14:18

emptiness phase of life. Or for parents in a 50 50

14:22

split, right? Some of you are great 50% of the

14:25

time when you're with your kids and you're down lonely on

14:29

the every other week or every other weekend. What a tough

14:33

roller coaster ride. My heart breaks for that whole situation.

14:37

And for those of you who have zero or low custody of your kids,

14:41

I acknowledge your pains, too. A quiet house can be

14:45

a painful experience. I mean, quite frankly, one

14:48

time I said I'd never do it again. I had

14:52

custody over my kids, and so I controlled vacations. And

14:55

one year I just decided it would be in the kids

14:59

best interest to spend Christmas morning with my ex

15:03

wife and her parents. My parents had passed away and I just thought,

15:07

how nice would it be for my kids to just wake up on a Sunday

15:10

morning, Christmas morning, and just

15:14

enjoy Christmas morning with family. And so

15:17

I just, matter of fact, I sat on this couch alone.

15:21

When I say it was the worst day of my life, I mean, it's in

15:25

the top three. I was an indescribable lonely

15:28

and a lonely that couldn't be fixed because what

15:32

could I do? I couldn't even go to a movie theater or a restaurant. It

15:35

was Christmas and it was a Sunday, I think, too. So

15:39

everything's closed and I'm not going to reach out to

15:42

anybody. I did have people afterwards say, oh, you should have called me. Well,

15:46

that's nice, and I'm sure they meant it. But what am I going to do?

15:48

Go sit at your house at Christmas and sit on the chair and watch your

15:52

family open gifts like some of us are in real

15:56

situations that are lonely and

15:59

unfixable. Friends may offer

16:03

companionship or solution, but sometimes

16:07

people's presence isn't what fixes our pain.

16:11

I've been asked by friends, even ex

16:14

girlfriends, for hugs twice that I know of for

16:18

sure. I have been asked for somebody to come over and just

16:22

get a hug. One wanted to just cuddle and take a nap.

16:26

It was just, they wanted the security, the

16:29

touch, to be by somebody. They were

16:33

so lonely. And I think women

16:36

have a sense of security, the way they're wired and when they're

16:40

independent and alone and in charge of their own

16:44

security, it makes them feel so

16:47

alone. There's a book too called the body keep

16:51

score. Talking about stress on your life. And you can really

16:55

see your emotions change and your body

16:58

change when you're under stress and when you're in depression. It's

17:02

a great book, the body keep score. Sometimes it's just great

17:06

to have a great conversation. This is why I semi

17:10

disagree with people who say dating is just for

17:13

marriage. It can also be therapeutic.

17:16

Just talking to someone, being around somebody sometimes is a

17:20

great exercise. And in theory, the truth

17:24

part is that maybe dating for anything other than marriage is a waste of

17:28

time. You be alone in depression

17:32

and just that little win of getting out and talking to the opposite

17:35

sex and having a night out can be so therapeutic and good for the

17:39

soul. Sorry it doesn't fit your theology of how dating works,

17:43

but sometimes that is a very big win when

17:47

it comes to dating. I know women who love to go out because they get

17:50

a free meal and the guy feels like he's

17:54

paying a fortune for all these free meals when he's trying to meet somebody. And

17:58

the women are like, I just went out of the house. I mean, literally, it's

18:01

a phenomenon that some women, I think they have zero grocery bills

18:04

because they go out four or five times a week being taken to nice

18:08

meals, and they're really not all that interested, but they're enjoying it.

18:12

Guys, I think, pay the price for that. But there are risk and

18:15

vulnerabilities when seeking companionship out of loneliness.

18:19

Unfortunately, many of us fall into the trap of seeking another

18:23

relationship to cope with our loneliness after divorce, but

18:27

I've learned firsthand that this can have tragic

18:30

consequences. Rushing into a new relationship

18:33

without allowing ourselves to heal completely

18:37

and become whole individuals again puts us at

18:41

risk of repeating patterns with someone similar to

18:44

our ex or somebody who may be the complete opposite.

18:48

In most cases, this doesn't end well, and I can

18:52

personally attest to the devastation of breaking up with

18:56

a new partner before fully recovering from my divorce.

19:00

It felt like a double blow. I experienced a sense of being

19:03

a loser all over again. And even worse, some

19:07

people resort to discussing their loneliness with their

19:11

children after a divorce, like they might think they're being

19:15

honest and seeking comfort, but they're also

19:18

burdening their kids with adult concerns. I don't

19:22

believe children should ever be put in a position of being their parent's

19:25

friend during a divorce. The long term effects

19:29

on the kids and the parent child relationship is

19:33

incredibly damaging. It's crucial to find someone

19:36

else to confide and share your struggles with.

19:40

It's important to understand that loneliness is a natural part

19:44

of the divorce recovery process. Instead of fighting

19:47

against it, I encourage you to embrace it as a

19:51

necessary step in your journey. By accepting and

19:55

acknowledging your loneliness, you can navigate through

19:59

it, maybe quickly, maybe not, but definitely

20:02

effectively. If you're ready to stop

20:05

fighting and embrace this part of the divorce

20:09

recovery process, I'm going to have some assignments that can

20:12

help you cope with this loneliness more effectively. Setting

20:16

healthy boundaries and new relationships a friend of

20:19

mine uses the phrase kitchen floor moments when you

20:23

are in such anguish, such loneliness, such wrestling with

20:27

God, you just lay on the kitchen floor. It's okay to lay

20:31

on the kitchen floor. It's okay to be lonely, it's okay to

20:34

hurt. Just to go fix it with a quick relationship

20:38

is just not wise. So here are some valuable steps to help

20:42

you overcome loneliness after divorce. One

20:45

connect with loved ones improve your existing

20:49

relationships. Reach out to family members, distant

20:52

cousins, close friends who can provide love,

20:56

support, and understanding. Strengthening these connections,

20:59

which can easily waver as we get into the busy seasons of

21:03

life, can help alleviate loneliness and provide a sense of

21:07

belonging. Zoom dates online

21:10

friendships may be a great first step. Zoom has changed

21:13

how we value community. People have happy hours

21:17

online, and you don't have to get all the way ready. Just put your hair

21:20

in a ponytail or put on a t shirt, guys, and just get on

21:24

Zoom. Talk to somebody. It's not that hard to get

21:28

out of the house. You don't have to two force yourself to

21:32

be social, exercise those muscles. Go

21:35

sit in the back. Come late, leave early.

21:40

I don't care if you have to drive to the door and event and turn

21:43

around and go home. I don't care. Move,

21:47

attempt, crawl, walk, run.

21:50

Even if it feels challenging at first. Make efforts to

21:54

engage in social activities. Attend gatherings, join

21:58

clubs or groups that align with your interest.

22:01

Participate in community events. Pushing yourself to

22:05

interact with others opens new doors to friendships

22:08

and possibilities. Go to the gyms. Put in your earphone if

22:12

you have to for a while, then take it out one day. Talk to somebody.

22:16

Baby steps. Baby steps. Sit in the

22:19

corner with other people who don't want to be there either. Right?

22:23

I have a friend of mine. He is so great at walking in a

22:27

room and finding who needs something. One time we were in

22:31

Israel, we're in Jerusalem, and there was a little lady walking by

22:35

herself. Now, me being selfish. I was there with somebody, and

22:38

I was talking. I probably walked right by this lady

22:42

he saw. He was probably walking by somebody, too.

22:45

Saw, ended up walking with this lady. Turned out she was a Holocaust

22:49

survivor. He went through the whole Holocaust museum with her, heard her

22:52

stories. Oh, there's my family. There's my sister. Oh, I was

22:56

there. He had this rich experience with this lady because he was

23:00

attentive. Well, I promise you, there are people in almost

23:04

every room that maybe doesn't want to be there either, or had a tough

23:08

day, or they're going through something. If you just be a little attentive,

23:11

you might find somebody who might just be attentive back to you. Right.

23:15

Go take a look. Not everywhere you're going. Everybody else is having fun and you're

23:18

not. There's other people there who are struggling. Maybe just like

23:22

you, volunteer to restore perspective and to

23:26

keep busy, engaging in volunteer work not only benefits

23:29

others, it also provides a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

23:33

It can help shift your focus from

23:37

your personal struggles, and you make a positive impact in the life of

23:41

others. Create a sense of connection and fulfilling,

23:44

like helping someone in need, might show you how

23:48

blessed you really are. And four, do things you haven't done in a

23:52

while. Rediscover your passions, your hobies, your

23:55

interests that may have taken a backseat during your marriage or

23:59

child rearing years. Engage in activities you can

24:03

enjoy or used to enjoy that bring you fulfillment. A renewed

24:07

sense of self. Paint, dance, sing,

24:11

workout, write. Try things you like next to

24:15

somebody, maybe in a painting class. Be alone, but in

24:19

public. And five, get off social media. While social

24:22

media can be a useful tool for connecting also contribute to

24:26

feelings of loneliness and comparison. Take breaks from social media

24:30

platforms. Focus on nurturing real life connections and

24:34

experiences. Social media makes you lonely.

24:37

Six establish a routine. Work on

24:41

yourself. Create a daily routine that includes self care

24:44

activities such as exercise, meditation, journaling,

24:48

personal goals. Focus on self improvement and

24:52

personal growth. Boost your confidence, your self

24:55

esteem, and your overall well being. It helps with the woe

24:59

is me laying in bed. Let me turn on Netflix and

25:02

TikTok solutions that are a road to nowhere and then

25:06

seven know the difference between feeling lonely and being alone.

25:09

Allow yourself to feel sad, but don't dwell in misery.

25:13

It's essential to acknowledge and process your emotions after

25:17

divorce. Allow yourself to grieve, but also actively

25:21

work towards healing and moving forward. Seek healthy

25:24

outlets for your emotions such as therapy, support

25:28

groups, or confiding in a trusted friend, and

25:32

seek professional help. Don't hesitate to seek the guidance of

25:35

a therapist or a counselor or divorce coach who

25:39

specializes in post divorce support. They can provide you with

25:42

valuable tools, coping strategies, and a safe place

25:46

to explore your feelings, ultimately helping you overcome

25:50

loneliness and finding a path to healing. Remember, healing takes

25:53

time and everyone's journey is unique. Be patient with

25:57

yourself. Practice self compassion, and know that

26:01

with support and self care, you can rebuild a fulfilling and

26:04

meaningful life beyond your unyoking. I'm not sure of the balance

26:08

between isolation and loneliness,

26:12

but I'm a big believer in the phrase, you can't run a marathon, then take

26:16

a nap. The self care Valley can lead to isolation, even

26:20

depression, if you let it. If you want more information about

26:23

divorce recovery, first do a few things. Subscribe to this

26:27

podcast, rate and review it. You may not understand how much it

26:31

helps. Get the word out and share this episode or podcast with a

26:34

friend. Then visit toddturner.com divorce

26:38

for more resources and to sign up for our email list. You may

26:42

want to join a group. It's a limited Zoom meeting with fellow

26:46

christian divorce singles, so the Unyoke podcast will be a

26:49

total of 17 episodes. Keep with us on the journey of

26:53

your divorce healing and divorce recovery. Join us

26:57

online. Join the conversation todturner.com

27:00

Divorce Blessings season.

27:14

Thank you for listening to the Unyoked podcast with me, Todd

27:17

Turner. This was originally planned to be a limited 17

27:21

episode podcast, navigating the major milestones after the

27:25

divorce. Well, the feedback and needs were too great, and now

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I'm going to dive deeper into each episode. But with a

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female cohost, we are excited to help further the conversations

27:36

into divorce recovery and gaining healthy single

27:39

legs as a Christian. But would you do us a favor as we

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prepare our topics and episodes? Please go to

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toddturner.com contact and give us

27:49

feedback on the podcast specific episodes topics

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you wish were addressed. We would love to hear from you.

27:56

Then after that, please rate and review this podcast.

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You might not know how important that is to help grow the popularity

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and the reach of this resource for thousands of people who need

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it and don't even know it exists. Rate,

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subscribe, share all of it. But let's start with

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go to toddturner.com contact and let me hear from

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you. I read every single email that comes in blessing.