0:09

the sear on the mountain, a

0:12

wizard, oldest time, alone

0:14

in a cave. Hermit

0:17

have captured our imagination since the

0:19

monks of the eleventh century. They

0:21

contemplate life, beauty, the

0:23

meaning of our existence,

0:25

But what about a hermit in your

0:27

backyard?

0:29

Linda, this episode is perfectly

0:32

timed.

0:32

It's never good when you say that. remember

0:34

I told you I'm given the graduation address at my

0:36

old junior high. I need a really insightful

0:39

ending and I bet the Hermit can help.

0:41

Oh, I don't think this particular hermit

0:43

can actually help you with that. Yeah.

0:45

And I loved junior high, so

0:47

I don't wanna let these kids down.

0:49

You did? I would

0:51

not have guessed that. What

0:53

do you have so far?

0:54

Well, some fun nostalgia, like

0:57

count the dodgeball bruises or pranks

0:59

we did, like, shove Chris in the locker. That's

1:02

it so far. But but our guest today

1:04

can give me some really deep wisdom to

1:07

share with these kids?

1:08

Chris, you're interviewing a garden

1:10

hermit, not a hermit hermit.

1:12

He gets paid to live as a fake hermit

1:14

in someone's garden.

1:15

That would be free to kill

1:17

us. No. He'll save my speech.

1:19

You'll see?

1:20

Great. This is

1:23

going to go great.

1:25

From

1:26

Wondery, I'm Chris Parnell, and

1:28

this is this job is history.

1:31

For each week, I interview actual people

1:33

from the actual past who've worked some

1:35

of the strangest, most unexpected jobs

1:38

throughout time. From senator

1:40

to telephone operator, we bring

1:42

the past to life. Literally.

1:46

On this week's episode,

1:48

only the Lonely.

1:59

Hello,

1:59

and welcome to Chris job

2:01

is history. Today, we're welcoming

2:04

mister Artemis Gildanbrother from seventeen

2:06

sixty nine who was hired by the

2:08

Earl of Falcon Bridge to live on his estate

2:10

as a garden hermit. Thank you for joining

2:12

us. It's my pleasure to

2:14

be here. I'm honored. Now, you're a

2:16

mystic type. Someone who contemplates

2:19

big ideas. So let's start off

2:21

with something simple. Mister Gildanfeather, What

2:24

is the meaning of life? Oh, artemis

2:26

is fine. And as for life,

2:29

thou art dust. and

2:32

thus thou shall return. Oh

2:34

my god. Yes.

2:36

The meaning of life is

2:38

Death. I'm only

2:40

teasing Chris. I wish I could help you there,

2:42

but I'm not a real mystic. I'm an

2:44

ornamental hermit. ornamental

2:47

resin decoration? I mean,

2:49

there's a lot more to it. I live

2:51

full time in the Hermitage on the Falcon

2:53

Bridge estate. I pretend to live

2:55

as a hermit wood, I contemplate death,

2:58

I read, I even have a little Garden.

3:01

And then when the Earl brings over his guests,

3:03

you know, I perform for them. Oh,

3:06

what what kind of performance? So

3:08

I create a somber, melancholy

3:11

mood for the earl and his friends when they visit

3:13

my hut. That's why have the robe in

3:15

the beard and why I carry skull here.

3:18

It's very real looking. Oh,

3:20

no. It is real. Now when a visitor

3:22

comes around, I recite some poetry like

3:25

the land presents a place of

3:27

graves whose walled, the silent

3:30

water caves. Oh,

3:32

wow. That's very morbid. Aren't

3:34

you kind? That's exactly

3:36

what I'm going for. Sometimes I'll just

3:39

throw out the first duck thing that comes to mind?

3:41

Like, I made this one up. Low.

3:44

The worms will consume us

3:46

all.

3:47

They will. My god, they

3:49

really will. Yeah,

3:50

they seem to like that same very much.

3:53

You see, for the nobleman, it's quite popular

3:55

to want some time to yourself. to feel

3:57

your feelings very deeply and contemplate

4:00

death, that sort of thing. But why is

4:02

that so appealing for them?

4:04

know, I think it has something to do with the rights

4:06

of Russo and then Milton

4:08

and some of those other guys, delightfully dark

4:11

stuff. They called the feeling pleasurable

4:13

melancholy. The whole estate was designed

4:15

to be wild and overgrown free

4:17

to inspire those sensitive feelings. You know,

4:20

Yeah. Haven't read Milton, but would would he inspire

4:22

thirteen year olds? Or better yet, what

4:24

would you say to someone heading to ninth

4:26

grade? So I don't know what ninth grade

4:28

is. But if they are going on a journey,

4:31

let's say, maybe Your

4:33

time draws nigh. Oh,

4:36

I like that. eighth grade class of

4:38

twenty twenty three, your time draws

4:41

nine. That was quite good.

4:42

Chris now is really not

4:44

the time to finish your commencement speech. Oh,

4:47

hello

4:47

there. No. That's Linda, my producer.

4:49

A pleasure, my lady. Oh, you can just

4:51

call me Linda. I see you've got your own

4:53

little solitaire glass cave there kind of

4:55

like myself. Cheers. You know,

4:57

sometimes

4:58

it really does feel that way.

5:00

Wow.

5:01

So Artemis helped me understand why

5:03

did people like the Earl hire a garden

5:05

hermit? I think hermits are a symbol

5:08

of retreats and melancholy. The

5:10

real hermits are quite religious. They're usually

5:12

monks. I don't think there are any actual

5:14

hermits in England anymore because we're we're

5:16

all protestants. Right? All the monostevers

5:19

closed a couple of centuries ago. Of course,

5:21

the reformation kicked all the Catholics out.

5:23

Good memory, Chris. You're really learning

5:25

things on this show. Thanks,

5:28

Linda. Yes. So an ornamental

5:30

hermit is a bit like a living painting

5:32

of a hermit. I think the Earl just wants

5:34

his guests to meet me and weep and think

5:36

about the smallness of their lives. And then write

5:38

to their cousin in Sussex about what an excellent Hermit

5:40

the Earl has. You know what? He

5:43

does. Oh, bless you. Hermit

5:45

are very in vogue, and then druids

5:48

are also quite a thing. Everyone

5:50

tends to imagine a druid when they think of

5:52

a Hermit. So I wear a druid's

5:54

pointy hat. Or

5:55

so you are a pagan druid

5:57

like the people who built stonehenge? No.

5:59

No. No.

5:59

I just dress a bit like one. That's

6:02

relief. because droids were

6:04

one scary bunch. I read on Wikipedia that

6:06

they did human sacrifice. Oh, No. No.

6:09

No. No. No. No.

6:10

That's not corroborated. Druids

6:13

were important spiritual leaders

6:15

in Celtic society. I

6:17

do not want any angry listener emails

6:19

from Juliet on this episode.

6:20

I don't know, Linda. Check

6:23

your sources. Back to you, Artemis, how

6:25

long have you been doing this? Like, when and

6:27

did you start as an actor? So

6:29

about two years now, but no.

6:31

No. I'm no actor. Heaven's, no. I

6:33

worked in a factory in Chris. Sowed

6:36

buttons since I was seven years old. My

6:38

whole families and textiles. Yeah.

6:40

Why did you start working so young? My

6:42

mom sent me and you don't send out to my mom.

6:44

She's not to be trifort with. Besides

6:46

most children are new, we're doing the same. I

6:48

wasn't sad to leave the factory job. was dangerous

6:51

and loud. twelve hours a day.

6:54

Oh, Jesus. And I was a quiet

6:56

child that all I wanted was time to myself

6:58

to read and sit with my thoughts. Well,

7:01

what about after work? You couldn't wind

7:03

down at home? Oh, that was even worse.

7:06

I live with my mom, my sister, and

7:08

her eight children. So that's not

7:10

a tranquil spot. Always little

7:13

crying, running up and down the stairs.

7:16

Once I locked myself in the factory

7:18

overnight just to get some peace and quiet. Why

7:20

didn't you ever tell your family how you felt?

7:22

You know, in eighth Garden, when no one joined my Acapella

7:25

group, the Gershind dudes, I was devastated.

7:27

I finally told my mom and she really helped

7:29

me work through my feelings. Oh, no.

7:32

No. No. No. No. We don't talk about feelings

7:34

in my family. when my dad passed

7:36

away, rest soul, my mom sat

7:38

down for a bit, sniffed, and then sent

7:41

us all back to work. So

7:43

how did you go from factory worker

7:45

and Bristol to Garden Hermit? Funny

7:48

story, so two years ago, my brother

7:50

James and I were poaching on the Falcon Bridge

7:52

property. Oh, no. Wait. That's that's hunting on

7:54

someone else's property. Right? You could get sent

7:56

to a penal colony in Australia or

7:58

something. Actually, Chris,

7:59

in eighteenth century England, poaching

8:02

was pretty common and kind of tolerated.

8:05

He might get firm talking to in a few

8:07

days in prison, but that's about it.

8:09

True true, miss Linda. But

8:11

we got spotted. James ran,

8:14

but I'm not a fast runner. So the groundskeeper

8:16

grabs me by the collar and he asks, what are you

8:18

doing here? And without asking us, like, were

8:20

there any of us doing here? So he says,

8:22

you must be the new gods in Hermit. I'll show you

8:25

to your heart. I had no idea

8:27

what he meant, but it turned

8:28

out they were hiring. So here I

8:30

am. Just

8:31

like that. Yeah.

8:32

At first, I thought who in their right

8:34

mind is just paying someone to live on their property

8:36

as decoration. And

8:38

then I met

8:39

the Earl my first week and I

8:41

realized he's not in his right mind.

8:43

Oh, he's eccentric. Mhmm.

8:46

I'll give you an example. He doesn't

8:48

believe in utensils, so he's designed

8:50

a trough for his dinner guests. It's quite

8:52

nice, made of brass, he also mostly

8:55

stays underground.

8:57

As in, he keeps a low profile. No.

8:59

I mean, like, he lives under his own house.

9:01

He's got miles of tunnels and this whole

9:04

ballroom down there. Wow. But

9:06

you get paid. Right? He he has someone more

9:08

down to earth to take care of stuff like

9:10

that. I'm in the estate budget,

9:13

a hundred pounds a year.

9:14

That's about sixteen thousand dollars.

9:16

Not bad. Thanks, Linda.

9:18

It's

9:18

enough for a bigger house than my family, and

9:21

and I'll have my own room. And privacy

9:23

is so important. You

9:24

know, there are some accounts of Garden permits

9:26

not

9:26

being paid at all. Right again,

9:29

miss Linda, I heard about Garden

9:31

Hermit who had to stay his whole seven

9:33

year contract or he wouldn't be paid. he

9:35

couldn't handle it. They found him drunk

9:37

in a pub after two weeks. But it sounds

9:40

like you're handling it just fine. Yeah. I mean,

9:42

I can't complain. I'm mostly sitting

9:44

a garden and reed just like I always wanted.

9:46

When I'm not reminding guests of their inevitable

9:48

demise. That sounds like heaven

9:51

just me, some chamomile tea, and

9:53

the latest issue of real simple magazine.

9:56

What do you read, Artemis? Well, there are some great

9:58

books in the Hermit. Russo, of course,

10:01

that's political philosophy. A

10:03

lot of novels, then some Gothic

10:05

poetry, essential reading for my line of

10:07

work, really. I've got a book of Thomas

10:09

Parnell that are quite effective. Pannell,

10:12

like me. Maybe we're related.

10:14

I love Thomas Parnell. He's one of

10:16

my favorite graveyard poets. Do you know

10:18

this one? Because it

10:20

sends appeal of hollow

10:22

groans, the speaking

10:25

from among the bones.

10:27

Linda, look at you.

10:29

Thank you. I memorized boat trip. You might spare

10:31

time.

10:32

We're definitely not related.

10:34

That does not sound like something a

10:36

Parnell would say. We're more like make

10:38

new friends but keep the old One

10:40

is silver and the other gold.

10:42

No. This Parnell is

10:44

wonderfully dark. I was such

10:47

a fan in high school. I held Seyance

10:49

on the day of his death.

10:50

Seyance, graveyard poets.

10:53

Linda, were you a Garden high school?

10:55

I don't believe in labels. Okay. Did you

10:57

wear black lipstick? Maybe. Another

11:00

clue to unlock the real Linda.

11:03

Speaking of best work friends, Artemis,

11:06

do you have any work friends on the estate? I

11:08

do. My best friend is Simon. Oh, the

11:10

the gardener? No. The mouse. Lives

11:12

in my walls. He's a real joker.

11:14

Oh, cool. Cool.

11:17

Nice that you have a friend. So how many

11:19

garden Hermit are there anyway? I've

11:21

no idea. I've heard rumors of others,

11:23

but I'm I'm really very local.

11:25

So, Chris, we only had evidence of

11:27

about ten Garden Hermit in England

11:29

in the eighteenth century. Yes,

11:31

well, it's not a necessary position. You

11:33

don't need an will hermit to contemplate your feelings

11:35

on your own. The groundskeeper told me that lots

11:37

of estates have empty hermitages. No Hermit,

11:40

just a hut. Yeah. Yeah. Just set up

11:42

like a Tableau or a stage set,

11:44

a range like the Hermit just stepped out,

11:46

opened book on the table, wilted flowers,

11:48

and extinguished candle, that kinds of thing?

11:50

Oh, like a Diarrama in the Natural History

11:52

Museum. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes

11:54

the Noble himself dresses up as a hermit for

11:56

visitors. then if

11:58

he's really rich and really

12:00

strange, he finds someone like me to live

12:03

there, and the Earl of Falconbridge is one of the

12:05

Stranger ones. Yeah. The tunnel thing is

12:07

unique. Exactly. He's

12:09

also bit shy in the Wondery, apparently.

12:12

So no one is allowed to look at him from

12:14

November to February. It's quite a dark

12:16

time. don't you think it's pretty selfish?

12:19

They said, I can't tell him how to spend his money.

12:21

But you had to go to work at age ten and he's

12:23

spending his money on tunnels and Hermit

12:26

and, you know, dining troughs for the

12:28

rich? Chris, even the more

12:30

shall we say, well balanced rich people

12:33

spend their money on the silliest things. They

12:35

just wanna show off. Think about it.

12:37

Even a lawn is just a way to

12:39

prove you have land you don't need to farm.

12:42

That's true.

12:43

land

12:45

fart. I'm writing that down. That might work in

12:47

my speech. I got that from the Russo

12:49

book in the Hemitology. It's very rebellious.

12:51

Sort of anti yard work. the

12:53

youth will relate. So you

12:56

really don't mind being alone so much with

12:58

your mouse friend? Well, you know, it

13:00

does change you. I didn't realize

13:02

how much until one day last year when

13:04

I got the last visitor I ever expected.

13:07

Oh, hold that thought. Let's hear about it after

13:09

the break.

13:09

Okay. Good

13:12

job, guys. Take five.

13:14

Hey, Artemis. Do you have any

13:16

poetry that says puberty is tough,

13:18

but it gets better?

13:19

Maybe something by

13:22

Robert Blair. Yes.

13:24

I love Blair. Oh my gosh. Me too.

13:27

Have you read the grave? Have I read

13:29

the grave? It's one of my favorites. Oh,

13:31

my gosh. It's one of my favorites

13:34

too.

13:34

Did you And Spruples believe? Yes.

13:36

Is that like a white hang novel? A

13:39

what? No.

13:40

because just tag out.

13:43

Okay.

13:58

We're

13:58

back with Artemis

13:59

Gildanfeather, a Garden hermit

14:02

from seventeen sixty nine England. Now

14:04

you're going to tell us about an unexpected

14:06

visitor at the Hermit. Yes. This

14:09

was a year after I started at the Falcon

14:11

Bridge estate. I'd just gotten a hang of things.

14:13

The quiet was wonderful. Didn't you miss

14:15

your family? Sure. Yeah. But I figured

14:17

they hadn't even noticed I was gone. Impossible.

14:20

You're like six foot two. We're all told

14:22

in my family except for mom,

14:24

she's a bitty thing. No, they wouldn't

14:26

have missed me. Once when was fourteen,

14:28

I accidentally got boxed up in a crate

14:30

full of buttons and lace and ship to Birmingham.

14:33

It took me almost a week to walk home.

14:35

And when I got back, my mom just said,

14:38

double

14:38

shifted the factory today.

14:40

didn't

14:40

even notice I was gone. Yeah. And

14:42

you know what? I felt invisible when no one noticed

14:45

my new sideburns. Okay.

14:47

So you've been at the Urals' estate a year. Take

14:49

us away.

14:51

Morning at the Hermitage is

14:53

beautiful. My little stone hut

14:55

sits at the top of the hill with the grand's view

14:57

of the estate. Beyond my door, you

14:59

can see rolling pastures, craggy

15:02

trees, a peaceful stream. On

15:04

this particular day, I woke up on

15:06

my straw bed to find that Simon had once

15:08

again played a hilarious trick on me.

15:11

That silly mouse. Simon,

15:14

did you eat my toast again? You scan?

15:18

Do that again and you'll not live to see butter

15:21

days. The

15:24

cook sends food down from the house

15:26

and leaves it at my door. Simon

15:28

sometimes gets to it first as a joke.

15:31

You know, I had this hilarious imaginary

15:33

friend in eighth grade Oscar. He was always

15:35

getting me in trouble. I'd be like, stop playing moms

15:37

Jane Fonda VHS and No

15:40

more Oreos, but he never loosened.

15:43

Fun times.

15:44

Wait. Is this Oscar that you're always

15:46

talking about? The one you call your favorite

15:48

hangout buddy? A

15:49

totally different guy.

15:51

So I have two rooms in my heart, one

15:54

that's made up like an ancient mystic

15:56

lived there. Right? There's the books, a host

15:58

of Socrates, and Astrolabe, very

16:01

arcane. Then my actual

16:03

room is in the back. It has my little beds,

16:05

a table, and a few other personal things.

16:07

But I had no time to play my own prank

16:09

on Simon that day. Visitors were

16:11

coming. I put on my gray headed robe,

16:13

rush out my long beard and gathered my

16:15

skull and staff. Then I arranged

16:17

myself by the open door, still as

16:19

a statue. Up

16:21

from the hill came to young lady,

16:30

Goodness.

16:30

Yona, this

16:33

must be the Falcon breach. How many

16:34

it? 00000 Catherine

16:36

it is.

16:37

And he's absolutely grim

16:40

and dark and brooding

16:43

and so

16:45

mystical.

16:46

oh yeah

16:47

And what a precious point

16:49

he had? They were here

16:51

for the Earl's annual Spring House

16:54

party. Lovely missus they were in

16:56

their satin dresses and straw hats. and

16:58

the decorative buttons on their sleeves,

17:01

half

17:01

inch solid brass with painted

17:03

glass inset. Top

17:05

shelf buttons, and I know buttons.

17:08

They walked around me inspecting me like a

17:10

statue and poking at my road.

17:12

He's like learnings more a trap

17:14

active little brother. Aren't you, mister

17:17

Hermit? Aren't you? got

17:20

enough potions under that cloak,

17:22

mister Hermit.

17:25

Well,

17:27

they seem riveted. I I didn't realize how committed

17:29

you were to this role. Well, I'm a professional. even

17:32

though my personal space was being violated. Which

17:34

is something I've reported several times the Earl.

17:36

I still had a job to do. Linda,

17:39

you're like this. I decided it was time for a

17:41

little Thomas Parnell. I

17:43

raised the skull as I spoke and

17:45

all with sober racks and

17:48

cry think Parnell what

17:50

it is to die.

17:51

Nightlies on death. That's one of

17:53

my favorite. Mine

17:55

too The one in the light blue dress put

17:57

a hands on her neck and squeaked. Actually

18:00

squeaked. That's good sign when they

18:02

squeak.

18:06

You absolutely

18:07

terrifying.

18:08

But in the so

18:10

bad, it's good kind of way.

18:12

I wanted to

18:14

thank the lady, but instead, I

18:17

raised my staff and said,

18:19

be silent. deaths

18:21

but a path that

18:23

must be trolled if man

18:25

would ever pass to God.

18:28

It's true, Fiona. We just run

18:30

outrigger's smallpox away from eterna's

18:33

sleep. But but aren't

18:35

too young and beautiful to die?

18:38

yeah

18:41

The one in blue began to Chris.

18:44

A job well done. But just as

18:46

I prepared to devastate them with a kanto

18:48

from Dante's inferno, suddenly

18:50

I heard a voice, one that filled

18:53

me with at Schueller's red.

18:55

Bernie.

18:56

Bernie.

18:58

Who's Bernie? Is that that the groundskeeper?

19:01

Actually,

19:02

I'm Bernie. My real name

19:04

is Bernard Smith, and

19:06

coming up the hill was my mother.

19:13

Furnate. What is that you? She

19:15

was stomping up the hill, huffing like

19:17

a ball. The two young women stopped

19:20

crying and look confused. I had

19:22

to think fast.

19:23

ah We

19:24

meet again, angel of

19:26

death. Oh, Katherine.

19:29

It's not over yet. There's more. I

19:31

don't know what? Oh my

19:34

grandmother, death, is so angry. Oh,

19:36

this is very good, very

19:39

I bid you a good evening, dark angel.

19:42

I'm your mother, and I'm here to bring

19:44

you home.

19:44

Right.

19:46

Aren't we all the children of death

19:48

really and heading home to the

19:50

after that really ain't

19:52

so good.

19:54

I had to get them out of their quickly. If

19:57

the Earl heard this, he'd be furious. And

19:59

when he's angry, he stays in his underground tunnels

20:01

for weeks, it's very inconvenient

20:03

for the staff. Plus, he'd likely let

20:05

me go, my job was on the line.

20:08

Melades, more devastation awaits

20:10

you in the grotto. Carry

20:12

on. Carry on. This way. Oh,

20:14

chilling. Absolutely chilling.

20:17

Agreed.

20:18

Let's go. I thought the

20:20

grotto would make us regret the day of our

20:22

birth. No. That sounds

20:24

ever so much fun. As they walked

20:26

away, I turned and looked down at my

20:28

mother approaching.

20:30

mother, what are you doing here?

20:32

Oh, I'm doing here. Why are you

20:34

doing here? What are you wearing?

20:37

Oh, you look a fright. No, sir.

20:39

Mom

20:39

is my Hermit robe. And I can't

20:41

have visitors. Come inside before anyone

20:44

else sees you. Oh, yeah. Got nothing to

20:46

put your virus to buy it. Yes. You do. You buy

20:48

everything that you should paid for in your

20:50

mom. Come on. Oh, wow. Right.

20:51

She hesitated then

20:53

walked inside my small heart and peered

20:55

around. I was hoping she might be impressed,

20:57

but she looked like, worry.

21:01

Bernadette, What is going on?

21:03

I

21:03

haven't seen you in a year.

21:06

A year I've thought you left for the colonies.

21:09

I've got to sit upon my thieves.

21:11

Didn't James tell you? He was poaching

21:13

with me. They gave me a job. Well,

21:16

they'd mentioned something about Hermit.

21:18

but I didn't believe him. No

21:20

one would believe you're a hermit. I

21:23

am a I am a Garden hermit.

21:25

I wish you. You were on her face

21:28

that. I live here and I pretend

21:30

to be a wise mystic. And

21:31

I read philosophical poetry to the visitors,

21:34

and I remind them that they're going to die.

21:36

Right. That's what the vicar is for.

21:38

Oh, these things. Hey, a skull

21:41

and hourglass.

21:42

What's that about? They represent

21:44

the implacable passage of time.

21:46

Hello. Oh, right. Okay.

21:48

And the dried figs, what do they represent?

21:51

Same thing I suppose. No

21:52

figs. They're decorative, Chris.

21:54

You don't eat them. Linda, can we get some figs in

21:56

here? I'm not getting you figs, Chris.

21:58

If you're hungry, you can have some chickpea

22:00

puffs.

22:01

I will pass. She

22:03

put aside my hermit props and came briskly

22:06

back over to me. then, okay,

22:08

get She licked her thumb

22:11

to clean the dirt off my face. Like

22:13

I was ten years old, so

22:15

embarrassing having your mom show

22:17

up at work. Stop.

22:21

Just

22:21

because I dress up in play pretend doesn't mean I'm

22:23

a child. Then put down your toys.

22:26

It's time to stop this nonsense

22:28

and come home back to the factory.

22:30

Now, Chris. I'd always obeyed my

22:33

mother. Besides

22:33

running away to be a garden hermit

22:35

and making my mom believe I'd sailed away

22:37

to the colonies never to be heard from again,

22:40

I was no troublemaker, but

22:42

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

22:44

Ma, I hated the factory.

22:46

Okay? the buttons, the noise,

22:49

the children being shipped off in

22:51

a crate that one time. I couldn't take

22:53

it anymore. Oh, you're not thinking right,

22:55

son.

22:56

Chris is good pay. I'm

22:58

saving for a bigger house for all of

23:00

us. And I've read ten books this

23:02

year.

23:03

Ten books really. Well,

23:06

smart like your dad.

23:08

But

23:08

are you happy here all alone? I'm

23:11

not all alone. People visit.

23:13

I've

23:13

even got a friend, Simon.

23:16

I suppose you do get to read in a

23:18

garden like you always wanted.

23:22

How

23:22

did you know about that?

23:23

Are you my son? No more

23:25

than you think?

23:27

I was shocked. I

23:29

turned away to look at my window. My

23:31

mother stood next to me. Together,

23:33

we looked out over the wild landscape. Neither

23:36

of us spoke for a moment. I

23:39

didn't think you noticed me at all.

23:42

It's all as an oak tree. How could I not

23:44

know too, sir? What

23:47

makes you burning?

23:49

Really?

23:52

You know, your dad was a lot

23:54

like you. I

23:55

imagine there were times he wished he could get away

23:57

too. I

23:59

guess this

24:01

suits you. Do you want

24:03

to hear one of my lions more? I

24:05

go on now. Make me melancholy

24:07

like

24:07

a rich tom. Okay.

24:10

the heart to merge you

24:12

on?

24:13

Can genius animate the

24:15

feeling breast?

24:17

How long?

24:18

Feel impressed. We've got a power,

24:20

miss miss. Bernie. It's just

24:22

poetry in my body. shame on Breast

24:25

means heart, not, you

24:26

know, Alright. Give

24:29

your old mama kiss now. I'll

24:31

send a note with James now and then

24:33

when he comes to Poach. I

24:36

love you, you silly, Hermit.

24:37

God and hear me.

24:40

And I love you too, mom.

24:44

Your mom sounds Pretty great.

24:46

Bernard Smith. Should

24:48

I keep calling you Artemis? Bernie

24:51

is fine. So your

24:53

mom ended up accepting your choice to be

24:55

Garden hermit.

24:56

Yeah. She did. Yeah. And she accepted

24:58

me too, which is nice to get to be

25:00

yourself for a change. You

25:02

know, this does make me think about my

25:04

speech. When you're thirteen, it's

25:07

all about trying to fit in. But

25:09

your story is kind of about how important it

25:11

is to be true to yourself.

25:13

Carry your skull and

25:15

staff proudly in a world full of

25:17

buttons and licks. That's lovely. I

25:20

don't really understand it, but it is

25:22

lovely. And if I had been true

25:24

to myself, I would have stuck with a Spencer

25:26

Middle School Crescendards, even if it was

25:28

just me. Maybe

25:29

that's how you should end the commencement speech.

25:32

Yes. I could sing My

25:34

arrangement of this is it by Kenny Logans

25:36

is Killers. Yeah. Let's keep brainstorming.

25:39

You know, Chris, you could end your speech with contemplative

25:42

sigh. It always puts a button at the

25:44

end of my performances. Just a thought.

25:46

Oh, like this. Oh,

25:49

very nice, Chris. The eighth grade will

25:52

be in fired. And chilled. That's

25:54

promising. When we come

25:56

back, we'll find out what happened Garden

25:59

Hermit like Bernie.

26:01

Okay. All clear. Take five.

26:03

ARTEMIS, are you by any chance a

26:06

a baritone? I have no idea. Well,

26:08

let's find out. Try this.

26:10

bump bump bump bump bump. No.

26:13

No. No. Like Yeah. Chris

26:21

is it.

26:26

Where you are? This is it? com.

26:28

You're about to go on. Chris

26:31

is it. Don't be a fool.

26:44

We're

26:44

back with ornamental hermit and Baritone

26:47

Barnard Smith. Bernie, it's time

26:49

to reveal what's happened to your job. I'm

26:52

intrigued. So first things first,

26:54

estate garden permits were short lived.

26:56

Nobleman stopped employing them in the

26:58

mid eighteen hundreds. Well, good.

27:01

And as miss Linda said, knowing that some weren't

27:03

paid, that's just awful. You

27:05

took that well. I like it as you know,

27:07

but I will admit it's not a good job for most

27:10

people. You're right. However, the

27:12

art of immersive performance has continued.

27:14

There

27:14

are theme parks where you can meet characters

27:17

from books and other fiction just like visitors,

27:19

meet you. So there are

27:21

still ornamental Hermit. Living

27:23

parts of a dark and morbid landscape are

27:26

they? Make you rethink all your life choices.

27:29

I've never thought of Disneyland quite like that,

27:31

but yeah, a little. Okay.

27:33

Then there are outdoor festivals

27:36

and historical reenactments where people don't

27:38

wash. for several days. I'm

27:40

telling you the ridiculous things rich

27:42

people spend their money on. Well, do you wanna

27:44

see what people spend their money on now? Hey,

27:47

Linda. Bring bring me the garden gnome, please.

27:49

It's under your chair. Yep. There it is.

27:51

Oh. Okay. So

27:53

this little guy here is a garden gnome.

27:56

He's got a pointy hat and a beard like you,

27:58

cute round belly, and this one has

27:59

a pipe. Some historians

28:02

think he's descended from you. Well,

28:04

that's sweet, but I don't see what he has to do with

28:06

me. Well It's a gnome in a garden.

28:08

Isn't that like a hermit? Nomes

28:11

were around far before my time, Chris.

28:13

He's

28:14

right. That model was created in

28:16

eighteen forty seven, but the earliest appearance

28:18

of gnome like statues was in ancient

28:20

Roman gardens. Also, Chris,

28:23

please return the Garden gnome to wherever

28:24

you found it. Missus Welkle won't

28:26

miss it. She's got, like, three hundred. But, yes,

28:28

I'll return it. I'm not a thief.

28:33

It's time for the final

28:35

segment of our show, where

28:37

I ask you the final five questions we

28:39

ask all our guests. Ready burning? Ready,

28:41

Chris? Great. Okay. So

28:44

what is the biggest misconception about

28:46

your job? People Garden Hermit don't

28:48

laugh because we're so somber but you can

28:50

ask Simon, my mouse. We have fun.

28:53

If someone wanted to break into Garden

28:55

hermitting, what should they know? The voice

28:58

sells it. Why? What

29:00

are the perks of garden Hermit? Well,

29:03

I get to eat the earls food. That's lovely.

29:06

Pigeon pastries, tribe. Mhmm.

29:08

That's probably worse than it sounds. Okay.

29:10

What traits would you say make a good

29:12

garden hermit? I think I'd say

29:15

independence, flexibility, and

29:17

an earnest sense that we all specks

29:20

of dust in the dark cosmos of

29:22

time. Nice. And

29:24

finally, if someone were to write you a

29:26

letter of recommendation, what might they say

29:28

about you? He really livened

29:30

up the place. Bernie,

29:33

it has truly been a pleasure to have you on the show.

29:35

I I feel like I've learned so much from you.

29:37

Yeah. Seriously. Thank you, Bernie.

29:39

The pleasure was all mine. Both of you really

29:41

Thank you for the human company.

29:43

And Christopher good luck with the speech. Remember,

29:45

try some Parnell, then you'll really

29:47

terrify them.

29:49

Maybe you don't wanna terrify

29:51

them, but dark and moody does play

29:53

well with teenagers. I should know.

29:55

Okay.

29:59

First, I

29:59

thought Bernard Smith was a mystic.

30:02

Then I realized that he was playing a role.

30:05

Is Bernie an accidental performance artist,

30:07

an exploited worker, OIs Rekloose?

30:10

He's all these things. But

30:11

in the end, I think he had something to teach us

30:13

after all. It's powerful to be your

30:16

own person even when the world wants

30:18

you to be something else. and he's

30:20

inspired me to pick up some Russo,

30:22

get a garden gnome from my lawn and

30:25

call my mother. Great

30:27

job, Chris. I think we got it. Also,

30:29

I left that quote

30:30

about being your own person. Yeah. Thanks. That's

30:32

not a quote. That's just me.

30:34

Oh, wow. That was very

30:37

wise. I think that's the ending to your

30:39

speech.

30:39

Oh, you think so? Oh,

30:41

that's great. And then maybe top it off

30:43

with Oh, no, please. Don't. Chris

30:47

Make no mistake. Where

30:49

you are. Alrighty. This is it.

30:51

Please. You This

30:55

is it. How do you even know that they're awful

30:58

anymore?

31:02

No. Don't

31:04

you?

31:09

From wondering, this is this

31:11

job is history. I'm your host,

31:13

Chris Parnell. This episode

31:15

was written by Mikayla Blige

31:17

and Starz Elyse Morales has produced sir

31:19

and Greg Warswick as the Garden Hermit.

31:21

Additional roles played by Mary Bird song

31:23

and Elise Morales. Sound

31:26

design is by Andre Pluce. Our

31:28

audio engineers are Brett Tubman and Austin

31:30

Lim, additional audio assistance

31:32

by Garden Tapio. Hermit

31:35

is our associate producer, our managing

31:37

producer is Ryan Lore. Chenue Evodo

31:39

is our coordinating producer. Matthew

31:41

Wise is our senior producer. Our executive

31:44

producers are Sochi Dorsey, Stephanie

31:46

Gens and Marshall Louie

31:47

for Wonder.