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Music.

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Conversations with. My name is Shaylee Hoogendorn and I live with bipolar 2 disorder.

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Sharing with others is healing both individually and collectively.

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Sharing our stories will educate others, bring more understanding,

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shed more light and smash more stigma.

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Our voices need to be heard. Our stories aren't over yet.

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This is Bipolar.

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to This is Bipolar.

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As per usual, I'm beyond excited to be here with my guest and new bestie, Leah Charles-King.

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Hello new bestie. How you doing?

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I'm doing good now that you're here. I'm so excited to get to know you and feel

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honored to be able to share your story. So if you all don't know Leah Charles King, you need to run,

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not walk, and go to her social media and follow her immediately.

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She is a TV presenter in the UK, and she is on this show called Place in the

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Sun, and it's super popular there. and I've seen some pictures on the Insta and it looks amazing.

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I have to figure out where to watch it. She's been a presenter for like 25 years.

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I just found out she was in a girl band and we need to talk about that.

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And she's an ambassador for Bipolar UK.

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So basically, she does all the things and she's amazing.

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So my friends, I am here with Leah Charles-King.

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Hi. Hi, everyone. Shaili, do you know what? I just want to say,

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first of all, thank you for having me it's such a pleasure to be here and i

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just want to give you your flowers because, For someone also living with bipolar, the platform that you've created and what

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you're doing for the bipolar community is incredible.

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You know, social media was not around when I started in this industry.

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And whilst it's great, it also scares me a bit, you know?

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So the fact that when I see people like you who embraces it and can embrace

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it so fully and so wholeheartedly, I just think it's wonderful.

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So keep fighting the good fight. Keep doing the amazing things that

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you're doing for us because we are paying attention we're loving your

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work so keep doing it and you inspire me as well so thank

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you for that oh thank you thank you so much I yeah it's just my greatest hope

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to just carve out spaces on the interwebs right that people can show up because

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I get messages that say you know you're probably not going to read this or I don't you hear this a lot.

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But me too and I'm like every me too like

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is healing for me like I am yeah

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I mostly yeah I

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feel like I get more out of this than anything else I'm so yeah

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yeah I know people say that but I really mean it like I

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come to the internet to be understood half the time

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because there's as much as people accept me

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and I have amazing friends and stuff people that really get it like

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instant bond right yeah yeah it

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is it is particularly those who have you know that they've gone on

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a journey our stories may be different but our

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journeys are probably similar right right in terms

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of the things that we've done and what I've found since coming out

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of what I call the bipolar closet because yeah I held it for many years I held

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my diagnosis in secret for many years and I'm sure we'll discuss that um but

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since sort of coming out and being loud and proud about it That has been the

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most healing and rewarding thing for me because it means that not only,

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you know, is there representation as a black woman because mental illness in

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the black community is still very taboo. It's the fact that I've been able to make a tribe and find a tribe.

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And like you, I get many messages a day from people saying, thank you.

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I can understand. I heard you on a podcast.

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I've seen you on something. I read an article and just thank you for highlighting

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your story because now that's made me go and get help.

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Now I showed my parents your story and now that's helped them to understand me more.

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I've told my doctor. So people are actually getting help now.

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Yeah. Based upon people. mean you were doing and

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other people of course within the community but it blows my mind

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because all those years of hiding it because of the shame

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and stigma I felt and to be able to turn that pain

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into power that in turn heals me

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but heals other people or helps other people or

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makes them go my god I recognize myself in

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her I'm gonna go and get help I had people emailing me saying

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I saw you I heard your story I related so much I went

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to the doctor and now you know I'm now

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been diagnosed those bipolar or I'm getting help or I'm getting support

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and you know what then it makes it worthwhile yeah because

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I'm a private person I could think of better things to

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do than just air and dirty

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laundry because again in my culture it's not a thing to do

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but I believe that representation matters and actually

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it should be very normal for all of us no

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matter what color or creed to be discussing mental health but

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also mental illness because people don't mind talking about

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mental health but it's the mental illness part that is very

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taboo yes very dirty that people sort of bipolar

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you know mental illness people try and

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avoid those words but it is what it is guys shaley and i both have a mental

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illness it's called bipolar but you know what it doesn't hold us back it used

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to but we know that beast and now that beast doesn't hold it back and that could

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be you as well if you are suffering in silence because i was one of those people

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that That suffered and suffered, suffered and suffered.

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And, you know, since grabbing that by the horns and like I said.

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Bipolar used to have me, but now I have it, you know, by the balls.

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He doesn't run me anymore. I run it, you know. And now I know what I'm fighting

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against. It makes the fight easier.

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I'm not saying that it's taken everything away and life is so great and I never have down days.

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Of course, poor blimey, I'm always having down days. That probably will never go away.

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But the bottom line is my mindset and the way I handle this thing is very much

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different to when I was first diagnosed 13 years ago and was given this,

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this, what do they call it? Diagnosis. This label that I knew nothing about

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and sent along my merry way with a bag of tablets.

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Nobody educated me on what bipolar was, how it would affect me.

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In fact, I believed that I was going to become evil. So I was looking at the

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clock any minute, waiting to wake up and become evil and become this,

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because that was the only benchmarks that I sort of had on it.

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And obviously that didn't happen, thank God.

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And I've had my moments. I mean, of course, I could be a moody cow I'm bipolar

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but I've learned not to be so much of a moody cow now I'm much better with that

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so yeah yeah yeah mic drop mic drop for you.

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Sorry I get into it sometimes I'm like oh let's go it's my favorite thing and

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honestly the like you're talking about you know being a bipolar cow or not or

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moody cow which is hilarious but But knowing that a lot of that wasn't inherently you,

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right? Like I struggled with that. It was like a personality flaw. I'm not a good person.

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And it's really hard. Like if I was bleeding, you'd be like,

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oh my goodness, how can I help you? But if I'm snarky or if I'm short with people or if I'm not able to pay attention,

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then I'm just a flawed human being. Yeah. Yeah.

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You would literally just be in an awkward B-I-T-C-H, you know, for some people.

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The empathy ends there, doesn't it, really, when it's an invisible condition.

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So for many years, just like you, growing up, it was like I was always this fun, outgoing person.

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Very funny, always liked to involve people, very inclusive.

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But then there was this other side that I might say something or do something that I didn't know.

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And people are reacting negatively that she just said that. And I'm like,

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no, what did I do? What did I say? I didn't quite understand.

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Because people just didn't, they just believe that that's her personality.

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But actually it was bipolar. You know, bipolar makes us do very awkward things sometimes.

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And particularly when it's undiagnosed and unnoticed. You can imagine in my

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manic phase, and anyone who's been through mania would know,

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the things we've done, some things I'll have to take to the grave.

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Because it's that like yeah yeah

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you're just like hey we move we move yeah yeah

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when we know better we do better right yeah I want to as you were bringing that

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up I want to go back and I was listening to you on a podcast this morning you

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kept me company I was you know just just intrigued with your story and just

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we're similar and that we were diagnosed late and so I wanted to start

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back when you were a kid or back when you first started to notice that maybe

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things, maybe you're feeling a little bit different and yeah,

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just what that felt like. And you know, what age did you kind of notice or did you notice?

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It's funny, actually, I was doing an interview earlier with a newspaper in the

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UK because obviously it's mental health awareness week.

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And they asked me a similar question and you know

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it wasn't until recently I you remember things right

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because for me this first kicked off for

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me in mania I thought that's

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where it began sort of but actually when you

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go back and you start looking and going well

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how long is this piece of string into this actually

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because it started somewhere I guess I'll never be able

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to fully pinpoint you know I got bullied a lot in school from from

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after nursery I was bullied in every school I went

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to I moved about and it affected me and actually by the end of school

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I was very affected I was either playing truancy or

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I had time off just because I was always unwell

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it was physically unwell now I believe I was

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mentally unwell I was probably depressed and anxious and that was my body showing

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up because the doctors never put a finger on what was wrong there used to be

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this thing that they used to back in the day glandular fever I don't know if

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you've ever heard of it never growing up in school yeah growing up in school

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a lot of the girls I I went to an all-girls school. A lot of the girls had glandular fever.

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So they would say, oh, it's glandular fever. And I was like,

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but it's been going on for two years, you know, but okay, fine. When I look back...

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I was suffering some form of depression since then, for sure,

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which was triggered by various traumas, particularly the bullying.

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I was bullied for many years and I became the bully to protect myself.

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And then I was bullied again. So we just went round in circles, you know, and it's awful for everyone involved.

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Do you know what I mean? For the people who bullied me, for the people I bullied, it's awful.

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Obviously, I'm older, wiser. I was never physical with anyone, but it doesn't matter.

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The point of the matter is it was still horrible. for everyone yeah and

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that's just what I remember school I remember be excelling at

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school but then there was always this thing this underlying

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thing that made me hate it because of everything else

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and and I remember thinking just generally just thinking I've always felt very

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different always felt very different but I always thought it's because for me

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this sounds very bipolar what I'm about to say but I always thought well it's

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because I'm a star from a young age I've I've been singing, performing, acting.

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And maybe that was the difference that I felt to my peers, right?

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I'm from inner city London. I'm a black kid growing up in London in a poor area.

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That's now really gentrified and very popular. Okay.

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The flat island for kids, yeah, is now worth multi, multi million pounds.

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Wow. But back then it was like, you know.

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So they gentrified. This is Notting Hill, West London, you know.

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Okay, yeah. And it's absolutely beautiful.

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Yeah, now it's all beautiful and it's very posh. But in those days growing up,

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it was in a city of London. And so I thought, well, maybe, and then I moved to Wembley. Everyone knows famous

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Wembley where the stadium is. So, you know, to me, those were my environments, right?

12:24

So I thought, well, maybe that's the difference I feel because maybe I'm a bit

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different than somebody else. In my mind, I always knew that I was supposed to be somebody or something,

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but never knew, never knew what.

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Oh no. Have I cut out?

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Nope. No? All right, hold down. Just getting this. You're going to edit this.

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My thing is going to... Die?

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Yes. You've got the words. God. I'm glad you noticed. Has the sound changed now, Shaylee? For you?

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Has the sound changed? Testing, testing, testing. Has the sound changed?

13:04

I might have to put on my... Because I've had to take out that microphone. phone if i put in this airpod okay

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let's see how that sounds for you

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how's that airpod for you is that better can you hear me it sounds almost it

13:18

sounds almost similar it sounds almost the same yeah all right fine we'll have

13:23

to use that because i've had to take out the mic to plug in what's the thing

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oh yeah yeah don't worry about that and also this new ai on my podcast levels our voices,

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you have to tell me all about this yeah it's

13:37

brand new i barely know things yeah it doesn't make

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like you have to have some raw material to work with and

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it takes out your like the ums and ahs and like yeah and pauses i did just did

13:48

it on my last one so i'm not as like concerned if it's but yeah yeah yeah yeah

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yeah no you sound great fine fine hey i'm gonna do this when i'm editing I'll

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see editing there. Now I know.

14:03

We're just doing the robot outtakes outtakes

14:07

outtake bloopers that's hilarious

14:11

that's hilarious I love you so much

14:14

okay you were saying yeah yeah

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yeah so I just felt different is what I was saying

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you know I just felt different I wondered

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if it was because I was doing different things you know so

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by the time I was in I was a teenager I was in

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a girl band with my cousins I'm gonna take earrings

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is clashing on my ear pod so basically we were

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singing at a family party and we were

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discovered by family friends who was a producer and

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then we ended up forming a girl band and many years i

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mean after lots of rehearsal and practicing and blah blah blah but a

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few years later we got signed a major deal with

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sony music and we had a major record deal and we

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lived that life for many years almost 10 years we

14:56

were together as a band so what are you called what are

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you called tell us oh we were called which is

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the crappiest name in the world but we were called cliche now

15:05

it was in the 90s guys yeah spell things differently

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again and it was spelled k-l-e-s-h-a-y and

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the irony was it was supposed to be ironic because it's something

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that we're not we're not a typical girl band we're not a cliche so

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we'll spell it differently to prove that obviously like every

15:22

girl band does so we were a cliche in the

15:25

end but we were a good group we were a genuine.

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Group we were true vocals we worked really hard from

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the ages of 11 you know we were singing from

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the ages of 11 and and we got signed at the age of 13 14 so I've been in the

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industry a long time before that I was a child actress I mean my first my first

15:44

gig was in um Billy Ocean's music video get out of my dreams get into my car

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get in the back seat yeah yeah,

15:54

that's so if you look at that video and you

15:56

know that bit where it goes beep beep yeah I'm even still

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doing the moves in the song if you look there's a

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shot where there's three little girls in a in a

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Cadillac and I'm the one in the middle of course I'm

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the one in the middle yeah so that

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was so that was me so you know you can find cliche music videos

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on YouTube you can find obviously that video video but so

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I was doing stuff from a very young age right so

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by the time I got in my late teens and I

16:24

was feeling different I don't know

16:27

what that was whether it's depression whether it's what but I felt different

16:30

sometimes I would cry over it if it did something didn't quite

16:33

feel right no matter what it wasn't like a different good you

16:37

know it was like a different like I don't feel I don't feel like I'm the same

16:40

as everyone else I don't feel connected with this world I feel like everybody's

16:45

living a life and I'm just a person walking in it like you know but like a character

16:51

but I don't feel like even the main character in my own story and what is so.

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Juxtaposed about that is because people would

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have looked at me and gone but you're in a girl band and at that time by the way

17:04

because social media wasn't about them but at

17:07

that time cliche were big certainly for us coming from

17:09

London cliche were big I was I was quote unquote famous yeah

17:13

what type of famous that is different now because of social

17:17

media like anyone could be famous in those days if you got famous for something

17:21

it was genuine because you only had newspapers you had billboard posters and

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those are the things we had so we had big billboards like how you'd see you

17:30

know on the motorway or the street or the high street whatever we had,

17:34

records we had cds well you know we had music videos and and you have pr so

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you didn't have social media and all those types of things yeah.

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You didn't have to be your own star. Right, right.

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Right, right. I find it so hard now. That's why I said I'm scared of social media in many ways.

17:52

But I recognize it as a powerful tool, right?

17:55

Yeah. But, you know, so in those days, people would have thought I made it, I was doing well.

17:59

But I always felt this sense of throughout, something isn't right with me.

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Something just isn't. I couldn't quite put my hands on it. Now,

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could we say it was bipolar at that point?

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I don't know. We'll never know. because the triggers

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didn't come on until years later when there was a

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run-up of various things in my career I dealt

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with a lot of racism I dealt with a lot of sexism I

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don't and it's hard when you're sat in front of tv execs and

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they're acknowledging the hard work you put

18:27

into the industry they're acknowledging your talent and and

18:30

as a black woman knowing that I had to work or felt I certainly had

18:33

to work 10 times harder than my white female counterparts

18:36

because we know that's how the game is yeah so you're there

18:39

you're doing it and then an executive saying I'd love

18:42

to give you that better gig in the

18:45

spotlight but you're black and the people of

18:47

the UK are racist London's cool but outside of London they don't want to see

18:52

black people on their tv so can't we can't elevate you now for me I've always

18:57

found that shocking exactly like you because I yes I've experienced racism of

19:02

course I'm from London but because I'm from London right Right. It's a melting pot.

19:06

Yeah. So, yes, you get race. Yes, you get prejudice.

19:09

But maybe they were right. The outside of London. Remember, I'm young.

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So, of course, I've gone places across the UK as a youngster,

19:17

but I wasn't an adult who was traveling, experiencing these things myself.

19:20

So when these people would tell me that, I was just appalled. I was shocked.

19:25

And I thought, what, so the whole UK is racist? But I'm born here. I'm British.

19:29

Huh? I couldn't get my head around it.

19:33

I couldn't get my head around the fact that what they were telling me was it

19:36

didn't matter how hard I worked, the color of my skin was always going to hold me back regardless.

19:42

And that actually I was allowed in the room, but I wasn't allowed a seat at the table.

19:47

And I certainly wouldn't be allowed to, even if I got a seat at the table,

19:51

which I do now because I'm on a very popular show. So, however,

19:54

some people will still ask the question, you may have a seat at the table now, but do they let you eat?

19:59

I'm going to just dot, dot, dot, dot, dot there. I'm not going to even,

20:03

maybe in a few years time, we'll come back to this conversation.

20:06

We've bookmarked it right here. So I'll leave that there for now.

20:11

I'm grateful for everything. But, you know, going back to your original point.

20:15

Yes, I did feel a bit different. I couldn't pinpoint it. And in fact,

20:18

nothing really fully came out until my late 20s, early 30s.

20:22

That's when it all really came to a head yeah

20:25

yeah oh wow I had one question about

20:29

when you were talking about you know all

20:32

that you were doing and yeah like getting famous

20:35

if you didn't have like that's the wonderful thing

20:38

about social media but also kind of

20:41

different thing about social media is that like I

20:44

have this free place to say hey pay attention

20:48

to me but you had like agents or this so yeah

20:50

legit famous I am curious yeah because I

20:54

think this is a huge misconception and I

20:57

can't speak to all bipolar it is a we are not a

21:00

monolith right but it's interesting that there's.

21:03

Some of us and I I feel this heart connection with you about

21:06

this that strive for excellence that's my

21:09

new way because my therapist said let I say perfectionist as

21:12

a negative thing but try to to turn it around so we strive

21:15

for excellence but to our own

21:18

detriment like anything were you like

21:22

that like it just had to be good it had to be perfect it

21:25

didn't matter if you were you know getting and taking care of

21:28

yourself do you resonate with that i'm feeling that vibe but

21:30

i'm not sure so resonate you're spot on you're

21:33

spot on everything i do even now has to be excellent i

21:37

i cross my I tease and I dot my eyes

21:40

my attention to detail is unparalleled

21:44

like it's why even I surprised myself I mean

21:47

I wish I could monetize it I wish people cared enough the sort

21:50

of skills I wish people cared to make I can

21:53

make money from me unfortunately I can't I don't seem to

21:56

be able to not yet anyway but it's more

21:59

a case of everything I do whether I'm

22:02

planning a party whether I'm was doing a school play whether I'm creating a

22:09

tv show hosting a tv show everything I do has to be of a certain level and actually

22:16

yeah sometimes the other that's when my bipolar.

22:21

Isms can come out at those times before I

22:24

was diagnosed and I look back now I could see

22:27

that okay I was organizing this thing

22:30

or doing that thing and I really lost my rag during that time because

22:33

things weren't going how I wanted them to go and like I'd always have

22:35

like annual birthday parties for example have all

22:38

these wild ideas always a theme I love a theme so

22:41

I always have a theme and if and I have this in my

22:44

head and on the day if everything is not in my

22:47

head I would go mental like you know i would

22:50

literally lose it and people whether it's like

22:53

my my family someone's gonna get a rough someone's gonna

22:56

get a rap or yeah or yeah you know i don't

22:58

like i mean they might say they might say you do i was gonna say i don't like

23:03

that but if i'm really pushed i can rant and rave it's all hot air and it will

23:08

pass over in five minutes like a caribbean storm it comes it pours and it goes

23:13

and everyone's forgotten it rained and we're all sat in the

23:16

heat and they all love me again but the bottom line is

23:19

because of that perfectionism it can sometimes

23:22

get me into trouble you're right there but do

23:25

I do I like it no I don't I've just learned how to harness it yeah in a professional

23:31

way because I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt myself I've

23:35

learned how to manage my expectations as well more I still like everything done

23:40

well and executed well yeah I've just learned that if that's the case don't.

23:46

Put that don't necessarily put people on higher

23:49

pedestals do that for me yeah if I've

23:52

got a vision I need to get the vision out but the issue with

23:55

that a bit like you in this podcast you're doing everything and when

23:58

we do everything because we can and our bipolar

24:00

selves tell us we can and we probably can because it's

24:03

almost like having superpowers sometimes if we know how to harness it

24:06

the issue is is that we end up doing everything and then

24:09

we can burn ourselves out now we will achieve more than

24:12

the average person I believe because I believe there's certain

24:15

parts of bipolar that fuels us to achieve incredible things

24:19

i know some incredible people bipolar who are doing amazing things

24:22

on and off camera like you know but it's just

24:25

a case of how do we harness those powers without burning out and i think that's

24:31

where in my experience and experience of seeing other people where we fall because

24:36

what goes up must come down and when we get these visions we get really tunnel

24:39

visions about it don't we and then before we know it burn out and And we're having,

24:45

it may not be a major mental health crisis, but it can knock you back for a few weeks, can't it?

24:51

Yeah, for sure, for sure. After a major event, I did a huge fundraiser for Human

24:56

Trafficking Runway to Freedom. It was like...

24:59

Something that probably would have taken like a professional to do in a year.

25:04

And I decided to do it with a friend and we decided, Oh, why?

25:08

Of course, we'll do it in eight weeks. And it took me a while to recover. And I think you're right.

25:15

And I think I do want to be aware of those that haven't figured out the right

25:20

medication have, you know, like a lot of severe things.

25:24

We are motivating people but we also recognize

25:28

that there are people that are listening to this that can't get out of bed and

25:30

can't and we honor that too this is just our

25:33

our experience absolutely for sure i want to tell

25:36

those people is that i can't obviously speak for

25:39

you but i'm sure you would agree i was one of those people who

25:42

couldn't get out of bed who wouldn't leave the home who was riddled with

25:45

anxiety i still get riddled with anxiety i still

25:47

get the thoughts but what i do hope for those particular

25:50

people is that they see that

25:54

there is life after diagnosis yeah that you

25:57

were feeling shit now believe you me you were feeling

25:59

like it's groundhog day because that's how I used to feel every day I'd wake

26:03

up and it felt like the same shit different day groundhog groundhog groundhog

26:08

I couldn't cut it was just awful it felt like nothing was going my way everything

26:13

was getting worse and this was post-diagnosis it wasn't easy I didn't just bounce to this place here.

26:19

This way you see me here has taken 13 years, actually since diagnosis.

26:24

I think it's my 13th year that I would have been diagnosed.

26:27

So this is what you're seeing here. You're seeing somebody who was sick and

26:31

tired of being sick and tired. Yeah.

26:34

And I was sick and tired of it. I said, enough's enough because you know what?

26:40

Eva, it's rock bottom. And I knew I didn't want to take my life,

26:43

even though I attempted many times, right?

26:46

Sadly, but thankfully, I never achieved it, which means I'm here to live another

26:51

day, which means actually, I never want to go to that place again.

26:55

And I knew that in my heart of hearts, I didn't want to die.

26:57

I don't think anyone, you know, who takes their own life sadly wants to die.

27:01

They don't, they just can't take the pain, because I couldn't take the pain.

27:05

I get what pushes you there, right? Right. And this is why I do what I do,

27:09

because any any way that I can maybe stop, stop someone from going there.

27:14

If somebody's sitting there watching us now, you know, those that are in our

27:18

position that may be doing well in life. Good for you.

27:20

Keep fighting the good fight. We're here. Let's continue.

27:24

But for those who were like me, many moons ago, who are in that bed,

27:28

in that house, crippled with depression, anxiety, mania, hyper mania and all

27:34

the exhaustion and the mental anguish that goes with it.

27:37

I want to beg you, not even ask you, not even say to you, I want to beg you,

27:41

beg you, take every minute as it comes.

27:46

Try not to think too far ahead because that's what I did.

27:49

I said, but, but, but, but, but I can't, but I can't, but this,

27:52

but this, life is ruined, but it was always a but, but, but,

27:55

but, but everything was a no in my head. My brain lied to me for years.

27:59

And that's what bipolar does. It lies to us.

28:03

And it's easy for me to say, don't let it lie to you, but really don't

28:06

let it like you know that there is life after this

28:09

diagnosis you've been given know that you will be

28:12

able to get out of bed know that you will be able to

28:14

have a career you will be able to have a relationship and more

28:17

than that men and women or whatever you're into will

28:20

like you just for you they're not gonna not

28:24

like you because you've got bipolar and if they don't like

28:27

you because you've got bipolar they're not for you surround yourself

28:30

with great people who will amplify

28:33

you who will lift you up and he will be there for you

28:36

and you be there for yourself you will get

28:39

there in the end I promise you just don't give up take every day

28:42

as it comes every day as it comes try not to think

28:45

too far ahead that's the only way I got through it that and

28:48

believing believing in God believing in something bigger

28:51

than myself because if I just had to look at the

28:54

world in 2d and at myself my brain

28:58

that was lying to me every day telling me how rubbish I

29:00

am how untalented I am how ugly I

29:03

am what a mean person I am that nobody likes me I'll never make anything of

29:08

myself I'll never do anything I'll never achieve anything life is over kill

29:12

yourself now all of that if I'd listened to that then hey we wouldn't be here

29:15

and even if it ends for me today which I pray it doesn't obviously I pray for

29:20

a long life for us all you know the bottom line is is that.

29:24

I've been able, I know since my diagnosis and since coming out that like you,

29:30

Shaley, we've helped people by just sharing our story.

29:33

We're not out here trying to be saviors. All we're trying to do is just share

29:37

in the hope, in the hope that it just helps you because we know that pain.

29:44

And all we're trying to do is just help other people not feel that pain, right? Am I right?

29:48

I don't think you're a driver, right? because that's the only reason why I'm

29:54

an ambassador and I speak out because I just think, gosh, I wish I had that.

29:58

I wish I just had one person that looked like me or that I could relate to that.

30:02

Do you know what I mean? That would tell me it'd be okay. And actually go, it's all right. You could get dressed.

30:06

It won't always be so hard to brush your teeth. You know, it won't be so hard

30:10

to get out the door. You will be okay.

30:12

You will be okay. I promise you will be okay. That's my prayer for you.

30:16

So sorry, I'm going back. Never be sorry.

30:19

Never ever be sorry. Sorry. I love that.

30:22

And I love that you didn't, like, I love how you're saying you will be okay,

30:27

but you're not saying when, and you're saying you were there for a long time.

30:31

Cause I found, find that I used to feel, I used to always hear stories from

30:37

the other side and, you know, bless them.

30:40

And I'm a woman of faith too, but especially some things at churches,

30:43

it was always overcome, overcome.

30:45

And to me, it was actually as hard as it was to, to accept that it's chronic

30:51

and lifelong and uncurable as of now.

30:54

That actually helped me because I always felt like I had to arrive or I don't

30:59

like the language like conquering or whatever, because we'll always have it.

31:04

But like you said, we've found things we have access to things that can that

31:10

can help us manage. So I I love that you aren't, we don't know when.

31:14

Like Leah and I don't know when or how, but we know there's better days. We know it.

31:19

Yeah, there are. There'll become more better days than there are dark days.

31:23

I promise you that if you just hold on. Even though it feels like Groundhog

31:27

Day and it may feel like, gosh, this is never going to change.

31:30

But there are things that we have to do as well.

31:32

If we sit in the pit, you know, then we're going to stay in the pit.

31:36

And that's the truth of the matter. If we rely on friends and family to pull us out.

31:40

Listen yes I had a few people but

31:43

at the time of my breakdown I probably was a nightmare my

31:46

family disowned me yeah for two years now

31:49

we're close again yeah but I had nobody

31:52

for two years I lost my relationship I lost my home I lost I didn't have I lost

31:58

my job I lost my family like I lost everything that I could lose at that point

32:04

I lost my belongings I lost all my memorabilia from all all my career from a

32:09

child up until that point. And I was just like, forget this, forget this. What is the point?

32:16

And they are like, what is the point? And I will tell you something just for

32:19

those, because I feel really led to say this and I don't always go deep.

32:23

You know, I'm not, I'm a believer. Anyone could be religious. Remember that. I could religiously go to the gym.

32:28

So I don't ever say I'm religious, but I believe, I believe in God and I believe in Jesus specifically.

32:33

But I just want to say, because I feel led, is that that day I lost all my belongings

32:38

because I was in a bipolar phase.

32:40

I had no money. It was in storage because I'd lost my home, right?

32:43

And I had nowhere to put the stuff and then I had no way of paying the bills.

32:47

And obviously by then I was sick anyway. So what were bills?

32:51

Like, what were bills? I don't even know how to brush my teeth.

32:53

Like, what are bills? Like, what are bills? I lost all my stuff and it felt like a death. It felt like the biggest loss

32:58

I'd ever had, obviously, because it was everything that I knew.

33:00

And you know, when you go through mania and bipolar and all of that,

33:03

you lose a lot of memory, you lose things. And that was the only thing that was keeping me going was my achievement,

33:09

my girl band, the memorabilia, the this, the that, you know,

33:12

the things that I did in my early career in kids' TV and things like that.

33:16

And all of it was gone. It was lost. It was stolen. It was taken.

33:21

And I remember sitting on a bus when i heard

33:24

the news bawling my eyes out bawling bawling

33:28

bawling just felt like life was over that's it that's that's the last thing

33:30

i need now forget it i'm out and i just heard that

33:33

still quiet voice saying and that's why i

33:36

just want to share this and it said to me your latter

33:39

will be greater than your former that was

33:42

it beautiful and to be honest at that point

33:45

i thought i don't want to hear no biblical scripture don't tell

33:48

me that my life is going to be great i don't give

33:51

a damn about that because at that point I was very angry with

33:53

God because I said how would you let this happen to me why

33:57

would you let this happen to me I was brought up Catholic I became a Christian

34:00

in my early 20s so I became what they would do again so by now my late 20s I'm

34:06

now I'm well and I'm saying to God hold on a minute I've given you my life why

34:09

have you let this happen and so just like my parents I stopped talking to him

34:13

for a number of years because he annoyed me I said how How dare you?

34:17

Obviously, I've now repented of me and God. You know, me and God, that's my homie.

34:21

But, you know, at the time, I was furious. How could you let the enemy do that

34:25

to me? How could you let me be attacked? I've done everything you wanted me to do. And now you've gone and lost my belonging.

34:30

You've let my belongings get stolen and lost and all the rest of it,

34:33

as well as me having a major mental illness that I'm now going to have to hide

34:36

for the rest of my life. Thanks for that. And people say you're real. Well, you know what? I'm not even talking to you

34:41

anymore. I'm done. And that's what I heard back.

34:44

But the reason why I'm telling this is because whoever's listening now,

34:47

I want them to know when I'm here, God was right.

34:51

Now, for those who want to leave us, I'm not here to try and convert anyone.

34:54

I just wanted to share that for anyone right now, like you say,

34:58

who is on the sofa as I'd be even now on my depressed days, that's where you'll

35:02

find me on my sofa for day. Wouldn't talk to anybody because it still happens to me now.

35:07

So again, that's why I didn't say when to that person that we're talking to

35:12

right now, because we shouldn't put timescales on ourselves because that pressure makes it worse.

35:19

And then the guilt that comes with the pressure when we don't follow through

35:22

everything that we put in our head, we're going to set us back days and weeks.

35:26

And it gives enough space for the enemy. And we're not talking a spiritual sense.

35:31

Let's just talk about the enemy of the mind because the battle's in the mind,

35:34

right? Yeah, yeah, that's good. It allows that enemy to come and attack you. Do you know what I mean?

35:40

Because then you're feeling, oh, I said I was going to do that. yesterday I

35:43

said I was going to get up today and I was going to have a shower that

35:46

was the thing I was going to do today you know sometimes it's that bad yeah

35:49

you could just make little thing today I said I was

35:52

going to have a shower it gets to nine o'clock at night and you still haven't

35:55

had that shower now the guilt comes and now the thoughts come and you see oh

35:59

pathetic you can even get up and have a shower look at you that's what would

36:03

happen to me and then I'll be set back for days because of something like that

36:07

and now I'm you know that person that we're talking to I I just want to say some,

36:11

give yourself a break, give yourself a break.

36:15

Give yourself a break. Don't just, honestly, if I could just get across anything

36:20

to somebody, because I just beat myself up, you know.

36:25

Nobody could beat me up physically, metaphorically, emotionally,

36:30

mentally, the way I would beat myself up.

36:33

Yeah. Like in a, like a championship boxer. I beat myself to a pulp.

36:39

Yeah. And I just, anyone who is going through that right now,

36:43

just go easy on yourself. Just please go easy on yourself. You look at the likes of us.

36:49

I've still got a long way to go. I still suffer behind closed doors.

36:53

I try and be as open as it is possible. I'm not that type of person that's going to come on social media and start crying

36:59

and go, everybody, look at me. For me, I find that a bit weird. It's not my style.

37:03

But I will talk like I'm talking now and say, listen, I still suffer sometimes.

37:07

My mood still goes low. I still suffer quite

37:10

more depression symptoms than manic symptoms

37:13

of bipolar but at the same time I've

37:16

learned different skills to manage different skills

37:19

to manage so wow there you go babe yeah yeah that's that's good and are my friends

37:27

that aren't people of faith will we will talk about other things but I just

37:31

wanted to mention that because I was like deeply wounded by folks well well-meaning

37:35

folks in the church, you know, judging,

37:38

you know, judging my faith, judging all the things because I couldn't heal myself.

37:43

Yeah, the same thing. I was in church that time.

37:46

You know you're getting people to pray for you on you around you did it ironically

37:49

and again everyone each to their own i'm closer to god now and i haven't been

37:55

going to church for years you know me and god are tight we're good we're good

37:59

yeah it doesn't have to sorry right no no

38:04

it's your podcast honey yeah so you go through what was i'm just here i'm just

38:09

i love it i love I love it. Yeah. I feel, yeah.

38:12

I feel it more out sometimes outside a building. Like this feels like church

38:17

to me, us being honest and open.

38:20

This feels like church, not shiny, happy. I don't know. I'm just saying that.

38:25

Yeah. And that's why I said to people, it's not about religion.

38:28

When people say you're religious now, I'm not religious. I'm a believer though,

38:31

but I'm not religious because anyone could be religious.

38:34

We can all religiously go to church, you know and come

38:37

out as assholes afterwards which many

38:40

people do let's be really real and I knew for

38:43

quite an early age of why I became a Christian from Catholicism

38:47

in the first place because I was like this isn't right everyone's going

38:51

to church and doing this whole Hail Mary and then they're coming out and I'm seeing

38:53

that one there must be something more real to this and that's

38:56

what got me on my my journey my path with God

39:00

but I was always close before but I didn't quite understand it

39:02

was something more tall i had to learn for myself and then

39:06

like i said when i became ill i was angry with him because he's

39:08

like a father right he's like our own father so i

39:12

was just angry and then obviously i've come around of

39:15

that and i realized that you know that that story that parable is it i used

39:20

to have it on my wall called footsteps when the guy says yeah i was walking

39:25

along with jesus and he says to him you know there was two sets of footprints

39:29

and look at this whole part where my journey was so hard.

39:33

There's only one set of footprints. You abandoned me.

39:36

That's what he said to Jesus. You abandoned me. That's how I felt. You abandoned me.

39:40

And he said, I didn't abandon you. Those footprints are mine.

39:42

I was carrying you. Yeah. And that always stays with me because it's true. I couldn't see him or feel

39:49

him at that time. I couldn't. And I was annoyed.

39:52

But when I look back, I think, God, he really carried me because the amount

39:56

of suicide attempts and the different things and the fact that I'm still here

40:00

willing to tell the tale. I mean, another thing that he told me along that journey was,

40:05

yeah, you may have this bipolar, but you don't need to accept it for what it is.

40:08

Watch what I do with it. Again, he hasn't lied.

40:12

And this is at the time when it was all in secret. hypocrite I never

40:15

imagined because of the stigma I did not think I

40:18

would publicly even tell friends that I

40:21

had bipolar let alone tell the world and be talking about it being an advocate

40:26

and an ambassador so again yeah was it wrong so you know but anyway that's the

40:32

people those who have faith hopefully they can resonate with that and those

40:36

that don't don't don't lose heart either because Because you can hear our stories.

40:40

Of course, we know that having faith helps.

40:43

But if you want to look at it as the universe, and I say all that in the hope

40:47

that you'll lead people in the right place. I'm not here to preach.

40:50

But at the end of the day, I hope it leads people in the right place that even

40:53

if we believe in something bigger than ourselves, it takes away the energy from

40:58

always thinking of ourselves and what, because we've got no control in that

41:02

sense. You know, whatever the bigger picture.

41:05

Yeah, right, right. Whatever that bigger is to you, then it doesn't feel because

41:09

depression makes us small. It makes our world small.

41:13

It makes I feel like it's a blinder on me. It makes us small.

41:17

And when there's something out there, that's, you know, whatever you think it

41:22

is, unless alone, and I I've had my ups and downs and struggles and still do. And so I.

41:28

Still, I don't know. That's why I say women of faith, because I don't always

41:31

know where I stand, because in the world, y'all, what's going on with,

41:35

like you said, the religious. Anyways, I feel like we have to have a whole other podcast about this,

41:39

which would be amazing. I think so. Yeah, I mean, it's an important topic to have. And that's why I always say to

41:46

people, I'm not preaching, because, you know, at the end of the day,

41:48

your God could be Yahweh, could be Jehovah, it could be Allah.

41:53

Do you know what I mean? It could be whoever your God is, is your God,

41:56

you know, that's absolutely fine. Mind and we're not here obviously to preach that what we are here to

42:01

preach though or to or to encourage is to

42:04

have faith in that god that you believe in or have faith in something that's

42:06

bigger than you because that was one of the key things that shifted my mindset

42:11

towards wellness i feel like you stay in that dump as you describe that blinker

42:16

depression the way it clouds you you stay small and that your mind will trick

42:20

you to keep that small yeah and i don't want that for

42:23

you nor does shaley you know we don't want that for you so

42:26

that's the only reason why i say it yeah i

42:29

believe it's important to share to share the truth and the

42:32

whole truth and you take the bits that you want to take you know yeah yeah i

42:35

get scared to talk about that part just because i know how many people yeah

42:39

me too and and such and i don't want to be identified with the north american

42:44

you know stereotypical because of all the other stuff but that is going to be i am saying it

42:51

now we are going to have a podcast on this because yeah it's it's it's a tough

42:57

one but it's it could be really beautiful.

43:01

And it's a part of your story, right? It's a part of your story.

43:04

And even one of the things that actually helped me heal just in this patriarchal

43:09

society, look at us, we're just going there, going deep, was viewing,

43:14

you know, viewing God as mother and as in those nurturing parts, right?

43:19

Just in this male dominated world, I couldn't, the he, he, he,

43:23

and, you know, that kind of blasphemous in the church that I used to go to.

43:29

Too. But I had to see that as nurturing because I, you know,

43:33

I kept getting hit over the head with, you know, that I'm inherently bad.

43:38

And you know what? I already thought that. I didn't need to believe that.

43:41

I think that, you know, deep down, we're good.

43:44

We're good. Of course. And the thing is, you know, we have to recognize that

43:49

there are churches that do amazing things.

43:52

And there are churches that also do a lot of damage. I've been in those churches,

43:55

is too that has caused more damage than good

43:57

I've heard stories from people that said I went to church

44:00

for healing and help and actually I came out worse so

44:04

that's why I'm not preaching about church yeah

44:07

I'm preaching about your relationship over religion I have a relationship with

44:12

a higher being yes I've brought up to use the pronouns he and whatever but I

44:16

see God is bigger than a yeah do you know what I mean so God God is something

44:21

that we don't even know because we're not gods, right?

44:25

God is just God. I was listening to this podcast and you were talking about,

44:29

you know, you were telling people, you were crying for help.

44:34

You were like, hey, I think I'm this, I think I'm this.

44:37

Can you take us back there and tell us, you know, what that looked like and

44:40

what was that moment that, you know, that you went in and got the help?

44:45

I don't want to give it all away because I heard it, but tell us.

44:49

Okay. So look, in short, but still giving even the essence of the story. Please do.

44:54

Like I said, suffering on and off with depression, but in those days didn't

45:00

even know what depression was, right? It wasn't spoken about in society in general, let alone, and I'm talking about UK society.

45:08

I can't speak for everywhere in the world, but I'm talking about UK society,

45:11

still very taboo, wasn't unspoken of, it wasn't really spoken of.

45:14

So that was just depression, anxiety. So imagine things like bipolar and schizophrenia and other mental health conditions.

45:20

That was just for special type of crazy

45:23

people you know and I wasn't that type of crazy

45:26

person so nobody ever thought including myself

45:29

that I could have bipolar now at

45:33

that point I had been struggling with depression like I

45:36

mentioned the bullying the various things the different sort of

45:39

traumas that I'd had in the industry things I've spoken about and things

45:42

that I'm not ready to speak about yet things that are very traumatic very dark

45:46

very horrible if people put two and two together they could probably start to

45:50

imagine various things that have happened to me at the same time though it's

45:54

not the right time there will be a time that I will speak about it but now it's

45:58

not the right time I think however there were things that happened,

46:01

Yeah, I think that's wise, too. So, you know, I think I could talk about what I can talk about for now.

46:06

And this is it. So there was a number of things that made me depressed.

46:09

I was suffering depression. Or was I? Because what was happening was I was presenting myself to the doctor. I'll give them that.

46:17

Anytime I go to the GP, my doctor, I guess I was presenting when I was depressed.

46:22

So I'm going there disheveled. I wasn't presenting on my manic days when I'm

46:26

dressed up and I'm fun and I'm fun. Why would I want to go to the doctor?

46:31

Like exactly right so but

46:35

the thing is there was no mania at that point so whenever

46:38

I was suffering these bouts of depression when I would bounce back

46:41

it it would go to the default which was my normal which was just normal oh my

46:45

gosh you were she's you weren't me yeah right so it was just like well it wasn't

46:50

extreme so I'd be depressed and then I'd go reset to default there was no mania

46:54

at that point for me and if there was it was creeping in but it was nothing that

46:59

you could put a finger on, right? It just looked like my personality.

47:03

And it also looked like it just went hand in hand with the ups and downs of my career.

47:08

I've been in TV or entertainment business all my life. So it just,

47:11

and whatever industry you're in, right, it could be the same.

47:14

So when things were going great, it was great.

47:16

And when things were going shit, well, I was at home depressed, right? Feeling shit.

47:21

So for me and for my friends and family, that

47:25

was quote unquote quote normal because she's having

47:27

a tough time of course she's at home depressed oh she's got a

47:30

job now so she's back she's finally happy Leah

47:33

again actually now looking

47:36

at it and that was that was probably mania wasn't

47:39

it it was probably depressing you know hyper manic or depressive and manic episodes

47:44

very mild very mild until it got worse so what I remember is two years in the

47:51

darkness miss two years like I was agoraphobic I didn't leave really right.

47:57

Yeah, I couldn't even bathe. I couldn't get dressed. I couldn't brush my teeth.

48:01

I remember my ex-partner one day picking me up in my clothes,

48:04

in my pajamas, and just putting me in the shower.

48:07

I must have stunk. I don't think he did it because I stunk.

48:12

I think he did it to help me because he didn't understand what was going on.

48:15

But he was just like, I think it was just something he did because I felt like

48:19

he felt that just that water on my body would have been healing.

48:24

You know what what I mean I feel I know exactly what to do

48:27

and I don't begrudge him for that but I remember that him

48:30

putting me in the shower just like yeah yeah we're putting

48:34

you in the shower and I was really suffering

48:37

depression I kept going to my GP saying I'm depressed

48:40

I'm depressed and they kept giving me antidepressants and then

48:43

suddenly from that depressive phase I woke up one

48:46

morning and oh my gosh the world

48:49

was beautiful coming from a place where everything

48:51

was dark my mind was dark my eyes were

48:54

dark I remember writing on the floor in

48:57

pain screaming at my partner going I can't take this

49:00

I was clawing at my skin I just need a minute for

49:03

my brain I was saying a minute I just need I remember it like yesterday I

49:06

just need a minute I need a minute I need a minute I need a minute because my thoughts

49:09

were just oh my thoughts wouldn't let me have a minute and

49:12

I just said I just need a minute outside of my body I was begging him I

49:15

was begging anybody god him whoever I mean just I

49:17

need a minute outside of my I need a break just for a second I

49:21

can't take the thoughts it's relentless it was

49:24

a relentless attack 24 7 day

49:28

like someone just doing that to you poking you poking you poking you until you

49:32

go what what do you want yeah that got to a breaking point for me I was writhing

49:37

on the floor in physical physical anguish I've never felt such pain like it

49:42

right and we didn't know what was wrong obviously thought it was depression and And from then,

49:48

suddenly everything was great. It was like I was healed.

49:51

The trees were green and the sun was shining.

49:55

And for someone who didn't want to get washed and dressed for weeks,

49:58

who, by the way, is a very hygienic person. I mean, you know, I've been told I'm too hygienic. Now, suddenly I can't wash

50:04

for days. I mean, it's shocking, right? For me, it is.

50:07

So, you know, so then going from that to suddenly now, I'm putting on my best

50:12

clothes and a face full of makeup.

50:14

I'm getting my hair done. done and I want a party whose

50:17

party would be no no one wants to party with you that's fine I'll go by myself

50:20

leave my partner at 12 one o'clock in the morning because I heard that there's

50:25

a party on the other side of London and I could get the last train to the other

50:29

side of London to a place I've never been to people I don't know and I remember

50:34

one time in this situation sitting on this train.

50:38

And it was like an out-of-body experience. My thoughts are going,

50:41

you would never do this. Something is wrong with you.

50:44

A, you would not leave your partner. You would not go to a random party.

50:48

You would not just cross London to meet strangers.

50:51

I don't even know how I heard of this party. That was so wild.

50:55

Like I was just doing wild things like that.

50:57

I was spending, spending, spending, buying stuff on eBay, like auctions,

51:03

just to fight people, just for like a penny.

51:06

You have to win. win I had to win and then

51:09

they were coming through the door I don't know what was in them I wasn't opening we had

51:11

a spare room and I was throwing it all in the spare room and closing the

51:14

door like and I was just I

51:17

was I was just different person and then one day but I knew something wasn't

51:22

right I knew in my heart I was like yeah something's just not you know right

51:25

but I couldn't stop it whether I wanted to I couldn't stop people don't understand

51:29

that people don't understand that I read once there was this post by someone that said,

51:34

mania doesn't give suggestions, it gives orders.

51:39

And I was like, what? It's true. It doesn't feel like people are like,

51:43

well, just don't make the choice or just don't. And yes, now with medicated

51:47

managing, yes, you can, you know, I can do that.

51:50

But in those times of, of illness, it wasn't a choice.

51:55

It would feel like it felt like I was going to like die or I was something was

51:59

going to happen if I I didn't do that thing. Impulsive and you were, you were like, you had no, I had no choice.

52:07

I had no autonomy over my body. Whatever my body told me, whatever my brain

52:12

told me to do, I was going to do it. And that's why I was so afraid.

52:15

And that takes me back to your question. You are why I kept going to my doctor

52:19

because now I went from depression. Remember, I'm still taking these antidepressants, but now I'm manic. I'm high. I'm cured.

52:26

I'm not depressed anymore in my head. Right. I'm not depressed anymore. I'm clearly cured.

52:31

Look at me, everyone. I'm great. I'm on form. And family and friends thought

52:35

I was back on form. They thought she's back.

52:38

She's been missing for two years. They love it. She's looking great.

52:41

They bloody loved it. But the issue was, was that I had no control over myself.

52:46

And my brain would tell me to go out, but it would also tell me to walk in front of traffic.

52:50

Do you know how many times I'd just walk in front of traffic towards a speeding car? Compulsed. Yeah.

52:57

And then go. What just happened? Yeah.

53:01

Right. So all these things that I became afraid of myself, I became very afraid.

53:06

So I kept going back to the doctor, back to the doctor. And they kept telling me I was too articulate.

53:10

I was too self-aware if you

53:13

have bipolar you wouldn't be able to speak the

53:16

way you do you look very different to how

53:19

you look you wouldn't be able to explain your feeling

53:22

like every single stereotype stigma bullcrap that could come out of professionals

53:28

mouth not just one doctor several it went undetected for years and as we know

53:34

now antidepressants induces mania so that mania was.

53:40

Induced I'm not saying I didn't have bipolar and

53:43

that that couldn't have been diagnosed but the

53:46

fact that I was given these antidepressants is

53:49

what induced it accelerates it

53:52

yep yep so I was

53:56

just well so I ended up how I got diagnosed

53:59

because I kept being told no no no no no that day I was

54:02

just like if I don't get out today I'm going to

54:04

take my life and it was very matter of fat because I

54:07

couldn't take the pain I said I'm done yeah this is

54:10

my last chance for noon obviously in my heart of hearts I realized

54:13

that it was a cry for help because I always like I said

54:16

I was afraid of myself I always knew I didn't want to die I

54:18

always knew I wanted to live but my brain my body couldn't

54:22

fight the fight anymore I was tired I was really tired

54:25

and so I wrote a suicide note and and

54:28

I brought it to my doctor's surgery and through silent

54:31

tears I just slipped it across cross the counter and it

54:34

said my name's Leah Charles I'm a patient here

54:37

and if you don't help me today I'm gonna leave here I'm gonna I'm gonna take

54:42

my life that's how I mean I said it a bit more straight than that but I basically

54:47

said that and obviously it was all panic and all systems go an ambulance was

54:51

called I was taken off in an ambulance and then put in just a weird.

54:56

Meeting room at the back of an old part of the hospital and left

54:59

there for hours hours to the

55:02

point where I just I thought well screw this because remember I'm manic yeah

55:05

this I can't sit one place for five

55:08

minutes let alone yeah hours so I got up

55:11

and I started walking about suddenly I'm seeing these people

55:14

chasing me we've been looking for you everywhere are you need

55:16

chance yeah yeah yeah we've been looking for you and I said

55:20

please I'm begging you put me in a hospital put me in hospital now

55:23

I need to go if you don't that's it it's on for

55:25

me and they said no you're too hard again they said the same

55:28

thing hospitals aren't nice places you're too articulate

55:31

it wouldn't be good for you I said it would be good for

55:34

me because if you don't take me to the hospital this is what's going to happen

55:37

they gave me some drugs to sedate

55:40

me yeah and they sent me home they sent me

55:43

home I think they were actually sending me home on the

55:45

bus and I was like I don't even have a bus pass because I walked

55:48

into the doctors and the doctor brought me in an ambulance they would just

55:51

gave me a diazepam and was sending me on a bus and I think in the end because

55:54

I said I don't even have money to get home I think they put me in a cab I vaguely

55:58

remember that and I got home and then after that they said someone would be

56:01

in touch so you could be referred to psychiatry and maybe six to eight months

56:06

later I finally I finally got that invitation.

56:11

To go to the psychiatrist within half an hour of him asking some of my story

56:16

and some of my life He just puts down his pen and looks at me straight and goes, Leah, you have bipolar.

56:21

He said, you've achieved a lot, but you've also had a lot of trauma.

56:24

And you know what? People with bipolar do achieve a lot. They're high achievers.

56:27

But he said, there's no way you were going to reach to an old lady and not have

56:32

had a breakdown and not have been diagnosed with bipolar. So here we are.

56:36

And that is the story, my friend, of how I was diagnosed.

56:40

Not for want of trying. They kept plugging me with the wrong medication and kept shooing me away.

56:46

And that made me angry and so when

56:49

I got that diagnosis I felt vindicated and

56:52

I felt high for a while I was like yeah I knew it

56:55

I told you all and then I felt angry because I

56:58

felt like god I could have been dead 10 times over I was crying for help and

57:03

I was ignored like because it was used against me that I'm articulate that I

57:08

could string a sentence together so what are you trying to say people bipolar

57:11

are dumb they're stupid they don't have to speak they're actually some Some

57:14

of the most clever, now I know this, obviously not at the time, but some of the most intelligent people I've had

57:20

the pleasure of meeting, like yourself. So all these untruths that we're told are untruths. And that is what is important

57:28

to me to get across on this journey now as an ambassador or as an advocate,

57:34

you know, to speak about it. Because we are conditioned with all these untruths that make us small,

57:40

make us nothing, dim our light. But our lights should continue to shine bright because we are intelligent,

57:47

talented, thoughtful, empathetic people.

57:50

If we come out on the other side of all the hardships we've been through, you've got a choice.

57:55

You can either come out bitter and twisted and a horrible person,

57:58

or you could come out the other side where your empathy levels,

58:01

your understanding, your love for people is so magnified.

58:06

And thankfully, that's the side I came out. And that's why we're here today.

58:09

Day nothing I do is for selfish purposes I

58:12

turn things down if they're not authentic I don't do

58:15

this whole mental health thing because it's a buzzword or it's a campaign

58:18

or it's good for social media that's why I

58:21

don't have my own podcast that's why I don't have my own channel because until

58:24

I can get to that place I could do it healthily without making myself sick I

58:28

just can't I can't justify it but if Shady invites me on her podcast to talk

58:33

about it I'm going to use that hour or two to really drive home,

58:39

you know,

58:41

the information as much as I can and to share in the hope, in the hope.

58:47

In the hope, just in the hope that it helps.

58:51

It helps someone it saves a life it gives

58:54

somebody hope it lets them say you know what I

58:56

may be down but I'm not out I may be

58:59

low but I can come back out of this again I can survive I can live a good life

59:04

and more importantly to know that we deserve oh goodbye it's not an affidavit

59:10

we deserve we deserve happiness you know we deserve it there's nothing different

59:16

to what I know as people for bipolar, we beat ourselves up.

59:19

For years, I told myself I was untalented. I didn't deserve anything.

59:23

Lies. I deserve it. I deserve a good job. I deserve a good home.

59:27

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to laugh.

59:30

I deserve to love and be loved. And so do you. And so does everybody else who has bipolar.

59:34

We are not bad people. Do not believe anyone who tells you you're bad.

59:39

If anyone tells you you're bad. You need to change your friends. Yeah. And you need to forgive yourself for

59:46

the things that, you know, that you have done because of your disorder. Right.

59:53

Like, your brain can help you just do in those things.

59:58

And just the, you know, the shame and embarrassment, you have to forgive yourself.

1:00:03

You have to forgive yourself if that's, you know, if you've treated. like

1:00:07

i think about how you know

1:00:09

like how at home like with my husband how he got

1:00:13

the brunt of it and i can wallow in that and

1:00:16

uh you know i've apologized and you

1:00:19

know it was hard but i have to forgive myself or i

1:00:22

can't be well i just can't you have to

1:00:24

forgive yourself and that is exactly what you said that is the crux of

1:00:28

becoming well again you know i wrote 25 steps to

1:00:31

living well with bipolar it was like a little free ebook i gave last year

1:00:34

i'm gonna i'm gonna send it to you maybe oh I would love

1:00:37

that yeah there are any people who want to

1:00:39

you know I don't know you could put a code word like say yes to something

1:00:42

and you can send them each yeah from me to

1:00:46

them and I basically outline the 25 steps that I did things that I did and that

1:00:51

is I think is a key thing because if we don't forgive ourselves for the bad

1:00:55

things we've done we're going to continue to ruin those relationships because

1:00:59

you know your husband's stuck around he loves you yeah right so So at the end of the day,

1:01:03

if you keep going on and on and on and on about it with him, that can then ruin it.

1:01:08

Whereas you've got to forgive yourself, put that to bed and say,

1:01:11

how am I going to show up tomorrow? Because now I realize the thing I've done wrong. It doesn't give us an excuse

1:01:16

to be horrible people to others. I've got bipolar, I could be a bitch. No, it doesn't give us an excuse.

1:01:22

But if you work on that mindset and once we figure out certain things,

1:01:27

like you say, you forgive yourself, yourself you apologize to others and then

1:01:31

you have to draw a line and move on that means you can't pull yourself back

1:01:35

and don't let others pull you back because I've had people from my past

1:01:39

that have come now in my future in my present and have tried to pull me back

1:01:43

to that past and I've gone well hold on I'm not that person you're not pulling

1:01:47

me back there my friend it's not going to happen you know I'm not that person

1:01:50

I apologize for that and we put that to bed but what you're

1:01:53

not going to do is 20 years on beat me

1:01:57

around the head for something I said 20 years ago I have profusely apologized

1:02:01

I can't you know say no more than that I would done well but at the same time

1:02:06

you're not going to now in 2024 for example keep banging me over the head with

1:02:12

it when I'm trying to do so much good in the world like absolutely no way.

1:02:16

Yeah, yeah. And to like, when I like, we are not perfect when I mess up when

1:02:22

I'm snarky, when I, you know, just get overwhelmed, you know,

1:02:26

I call it the apology tour. Like I'm here for the apology tour.

1:02:30

And luckily, I believe in forever chances.

1:02:34

So you you know, you just you try again, you try again, because it is going to pop up.

1:02:40

Oh, my goodness. that was so

1:02:44

beautiful before we move into I want to talk about

1:02:47

actually some of those things that you talked about the 25 I want to talk about

1:02:52

some of those and I want to talk about because as you said this is mental health

1:02:55

awareness month it's the week where you live it was my week last week it's all

1:02:59

over the country but may is mental health awareness month so I love to talk

1:03:05

about you know, the biggest misconceptions. And I'm going to do that in what we call part two.

1:03:10

But for this, this section, I just want to say, I am so glad that you are in

1:03:17

this world. And I am so glad. And it sounds bizarre that you wrote that note and you showed up for yourself

1:03:22

that my friend, I know you had no choice.

1:03:25

But the courage that takes it,

1:03:28

it will inspire other people because you know what, when other people aren't

1:03:33

showing up for us, and you friends, you can go back and listen to my episode,

1:03:36

and just see the mirror in me and Leah, because the medicine, the begging for help,

1:03:42

we have that in common, and so I just feel that so deeply in my body,

1:03:46

when you were talking about that, and I just encourage people, because the,

1:03:51

stigma and all of the, you know, the, the shame that society puts on us,

1:03:56

you know, don't let that stop you from getting help because you deserve to get help.

1:04:01

And the stigmas are real and things aren't going to be rosy and there might

1:04:05

be discrimination against you, but you deserve to feel well.

1:04:09

And we are, we are working on changing those things. And I want to talk about those misconceptions.

1:04:13

So I just got all excited, but all that to say, you are, you are doing the the

1:04:18

thing. You are saving the lives. You are showing up. You are being honest.

1:04:22

You're not saying, Hey, look at me. I'm all better. You're saying there are

1:04:26

things and you are saying you are putting the work in and I, I love you.

1:04:32

And I can't wait to talk to you about the next, the next segment. So friend, thank you.

1:04:39

This is bipolar. We also have all our previous episodes of the podcast on Apple,

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1:04:56

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1:05:03

There is a vibrant community there where we have conversations and post different

1:05:08

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1:05:11

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1:05:27

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1:05:33

Again, thank you for being here with us, let's get the word out,

1:05:37

let's share lived experiences so that we can change the ideas that people have

1:05:42

about bipolar and help those of us that live with it feel less alone.

1:05:48

Music.