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Welcome to Conversations With.

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My name is Shaylee Huggendorn and I live with Bipolar II Disorder.

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Sharing with others is healing both individually and collectively.

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Sharing our stories will educate others, bring more understanding,

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shed more light, and smash more stigma.

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Our voices need to be heard. Our stories aren't over yet. This is Bipolar.

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Hi, everyone. Welcome back to This is Bipolar.

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I still have my friend Leah Charles King here.

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If you're just listening now go back and listen

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to the other one because she tells her story she inspires

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us it was a mic drop episode so

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go back immediately immediately go back i wanted to do oh and if you didn't

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listen to it i will tell you leah is a tv presenter she's been in for presenting

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for 25 years she's in a place in place in the sun which is a very popular show

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in the UK, which we are all going to go and watch. And yeah, just been in broadcasting. And if you go back and listen,

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you can hear some deets about the girl band she was in.

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So Leah, thank you for doing extra recording. I so, so appreciate you.

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And I hope everybody knows that we are now best friends. So you will have to come back.

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Yes, you will have to be back. I'll be back for sure.

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It's great to have a part two. I mean, I feel like I should have changed outfits.

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Yeah, right. I know.

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Yeah. When I used to have my co-host, Julie, we would, because she had like,

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we'd clear a day and we would batch record and we would literally change. Yeah.

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Yeah, exactly. It's the best way. It's so fun.

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Yeah. It was so fun. Yeah. That's awesome. Awesome. Well, in this second part,

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we wanted to talk about, we are recording this right in Mental Health May,

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and I am going to get it out. We wanted to talk about misconceptions, about the biggest misconceptions that,

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well, I mean, there's so many, but the biggest misconceptions that we would like people to,

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we just like to smash the stigma around them during this month when,

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you know, we need to talk about it all the time. Leah's talking about it all the time.

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But in this time, I feel like we have a little bit more of a listening ear.

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So I wanted to get those misconceptions out there to those listening ears that

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maybe are being a little bit more open to listening to folks that have bipolar disorder.

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So Leah, I'd love to start with you. What is one that comes to mind first about

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that people think about people with bipolar disorder that are not true?

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Oh god I mean there's so many yeah put me on the spot I'm trying to like one

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that's probably never been said but it's no point trying to think of something

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different yeah the biggest misconception,

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I think is that yeah like you're

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you're crazy yeah let's just say that you know

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you're crazy people think people bipolar are crazy

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they write us off yeah quite often and that's

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definitely not true you know I I always look

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at people it's funny and I always say to people I'm one of

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the sanest most insane people you can make me that's

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the case if I'm on paper supposed

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to be insane yeah whatever these words

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mean right yeah because you're all

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mad not me yeah not them the world is mad sometimes I feel yeah I look and I

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go I feel like I'm the most balanced person around it obviously I couldn't say

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that about myself 10-15 years ago and for those who didn't watch part one go

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and watch part one you'll hear more of my story there but now at the place that I'm at,

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And the kind of balance that I really, you know, that I really strive for.

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Sometimes I sit back and I look at people and I say, yeah, I've got it more together.

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You know what? You know what? I've actually been mulling this over the last

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year. It was probably my therapist that said it. Shout out to Audrey.

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Something about actually people that are managing serious mental illness.

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I mean, they're all serious. Mental illness are actually that self-awareness.

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She said you can have mental illness and have good mental health and I was like

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mind blown because I thought well obviously I have bad mental health if I have

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a mental illness but we are. Forced we are forced to be if we want to be well to be self-reflective to be

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doing self-care community care we have to be aware to be able to be well and

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there are some people they don't have a mental illness but they walk through

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life not doing things that keep them well No, babe, babe, honestly.

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I mean, shout out to Audrey. That's what she told you because Audrey...

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Is on point honey like Audrey is on that

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is so deep and profound and so right because

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on paper I have a mental illness I've got bipolar I'm

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not going to deny it I'm not going to say oh I'm well so I no longer have

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it that's dangerous right so I don't do that however because of the work because

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of the constant self-reflecting the self like we are deep thinkers and when

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you get to the point of wellness or you make a decision to be well and you start

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putting in all the things you have to do like what I said, my 25 steps,

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and you start doing those things towards mental wellness,

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then that means, does that mean I'm no longer mentally ill?

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So deep, what Audrey said, I still have bipolar though, but I'm mentally well.

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And actually, when I look at some of my peers, my friends, my family,

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and just people in society, they don't have a diagnosis of anything.

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They're perfectly quote unquote well. I'm the unwell one. I'm the one with the

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disability, with the mental illness.

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They're really well. And yet they have no self-awareness. Yet they aren't even

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in a position like me where they can even go deep in the mind.

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They yeah and that blows my mind to be

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honest with you it's really my mind yeah yeah yeah

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that blows my next time you speak to Audrey tell her

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thanks for that I will I will carry that with me oh well I

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don't know she's actually so amazing and

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one time she's what she's listened a couple times so yeah oh that's really nice

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she's the best it took me a long time to find a good therapist I think another

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yeah a misconception is and you touched on it and what you just said is that

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this idea of that we're entirely healed,

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or I think people, I even had, I was presenting.

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At a college of people that want to be EAs, educational assistants that work

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with the kids that have a bit more tricky needs. And I was talking and someone put up their hand, they're like,

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but you take medicine, are you not better?

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And I was like, so this is a misconception that we're going to be immediately better, right?

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It's not Advil and a headache and goes away.

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It is chronic. It is uncurable at this point in time. We are going to have symptoms again.

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And do the meds help us? Yeah. Saved my life.

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Saved my life. But it's not, it like mutes things and makes it so that I can

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actually do the management skills that I need to do.

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We can't just take medication to be well.

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And we can't just rely that that is like, we're not, I'm on a healing journey.

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That's how I put it. Because when people say I'm healed or all I'm like,

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because it trickles back in, I still have periods of things.

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I get little bumps of hypomania and I had long periods of like,

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honestly, zero depression for bipolar.

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Right. Like getting sad because something sad happened isn't depression, right?

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That's right. We have to learn the difference. Exactly.

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Exactly, right? And so that's a big misconception is that all the symptoms should

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be gone because we take medication. I agree yeah another another

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misconception that people have asked

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me before is like particularly again if people listen into part one we touched

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on like our spiritual beliefs and things like that I've had people come to me

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and say well then it's a bipolar a possession are you possessed by evil yep

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yeah I that I mean you're like and the thing is like I said to you

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again in part one you know my walk with God is

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pretty good my walk with God is is is better

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than a lot of people that I see who are going to church and doing all what looks

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good for the out for the community they wear the clothes they look really yeah

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carry their bible called their family and behind closed doors it's dark af you

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know yeah and actually the way God has created me

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or the way I feel I've been created is I'm fearfully

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wonderfully made I am me I am

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me and I spent years beating myself over the head about that and now actually

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when you come to a point of self-love and self-understanding that's a major

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part of healing as well major part so that was yeah that's that's true and just

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the arriving right like I I always had this I just was never

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good enough because I thought that you arrived at everything.

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Like I thought there was this destination and I could just never get to it.

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Like, when am I going to fully love myself?

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Well, to this day, I still struggle, but I have some self-love and it,

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to me, it's choosing it over and over and over again.

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Cause my brain does lie to me. It's muted and

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I can get it to take the back seat right I

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call I call my anxiety Agnes anxiety I'm

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like Agnes get on to the back seat we're moving

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on I'm not fit in this negative thought with

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you and uh it's I think it's the showing up and choosing wellness I know yeah

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sorry of all things no I tried to get yeah because I had to think of it as something

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bad things about Agnes yeah so

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I had to think Agnes showed up because she thought she was trying to help,

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right, in times that I was doing, you know, terrible.

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But I think it's like choosing to combat those thoughts over and over.

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And I see why people do want to give up sometimes.

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I don't think it's this far off thing. I don't judge.

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I don't want people to feel like that. But I get that it's just overwhelming

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to have to and exhausting to have to choose, choose, choose, but it's worth it.

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It's exhausting, honey. It's really exhausting. The whole journey is exhausting, you know?

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But eventually it can get better and that's what I think we have to hold on

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to and when it does get better you know hopefully we ride that wave for as long

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as we can but then just know that it's never perfect there will be dips but

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if we can maintain our mental our physical and our,

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emotional health and we can set boundaries because sometimes it's the people

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that around us we need to set boundaries with we need to set boundaries in our

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workplaces we need to set boundaries among our friendship, when we set boundaries

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among our relationships. These are big keys because you know, sometimes you could be fighting all you

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want for your mental wellbeing. And then some other mofo across the road is going to come and bring you down.

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Those are the boundary. That's when you need to lay those boundaries.

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I got to a point where I just thought, I can't allow other people to do things that make me switch.

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And do you know what I mean? Draws me back, either draws me down or makes me

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fall backwards because I'm making too much progress.

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For me, it wasn't just about career accolades. That's all well and good.

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But ultimately, it's about what happens behind closed doors.

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I'd be on live TV hosting every night a game show.

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Do you know how many times while I'm hosting this game show,

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unscripted, unrehearsed, unrevised, completely live, I'll be la-la-la-la-la-la,

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and in my head, I'm planning my...

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How I'm going to take my life. I'm planning how I'm going to leave at 3am and

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I'm going to go home and I'm going to do X, Y, Z, because, you know,

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that's how the mind kind of works.

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And I had to learn, you know, I really had to learn ways of getting out of that.

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Yeah. Yeah. So I think that that's true too.

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And I think one thing is the misconception is that mania and hypomania is just

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Just good, fun, creative, and just wonderful.

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And because you've been depressed and other things, it seems wonderful and parts of it are wonderful.

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Even this spring, I was like, everything was brighter and beautiful, and that's good.

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So in my mind, I didn't ever acknowledge the bad parts that came with it,

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which is like the irritability, the fact that people can't keep up.

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The fact that I had too many ideas, because I think that people think that are

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very afraid to go on medication, it's going to take away our creativity.

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And yes, it does. I have less ideas, but the ideas and the things I have,

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I can follow through and I can strive for a hell of an amount of excellence.

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Excellence and so that's what I say when people are like

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I don't want it to take away my creativity it actually

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takes like chaotic creativity and

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for me I can funnel it what do

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you think about that do you feel the same or do you have a

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different outlook I think I'm with

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you there I'm totally with you I think the same I

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feel like you know there is that misconception

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that obviously the medication will sort

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of stunt the mind it will dull you or whatever and

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I do get that yeah but you have to also have the

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balance of if like me you're going to put yourself in danger

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then that medication was important because I can have all the ideas in the world

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but if I'm putting myself in danger I'm going to end up dead then it's not going

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to be worth it right yeah do you know I mean I had to learn whatever but actually

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what I found for me is it's not I never stopped having ideas I I still have it.

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Although I'm in a phase at the moment, which I'm finding difficult in terms

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of somewhere along the line, I've stopped myself from allowing myself to dream

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and think how I used to think.

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Medication life that sort of battered me. I always said I wasn't going to let

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anyone dim my light. And I've got all these ideas. Do you know how many ideas

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I've had TV ideas program. And then I see them on the TV 10 years on 15 years on 20 years on from when

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I can set to them in my mind. Yeah.

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Like and I tried I tried to get about life and

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opportunities never came my way I banged on doors I've always

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been about this yeah and there were loads of reasons right

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why I didn't get those opportunities I never have the green-eyed monster

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for other people because our lives are our lives

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right so yeah but it hurts

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it doesn't stop and so I think

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by way of protecting myself I've did my

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own life which is something that I said I wouldn't let the world do so I

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haven't let the world do it it also I thought but in a way it

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has because I've just digged it just so that just to kind of

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clean myself and and now sometimes I feel

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myself at a place I'm like okay I'm fine I've got

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a good job you know I've got my career but I'm much

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more than that I'm much more than that and there's

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so much more that I want to do but do I dare to

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dream anymore and and dreaming is what

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me going all my life really dreaming of a better

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day dreaming of a better life dreaming of a

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better future future so I fear sometimes and this

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is me sharing my fears I haven't shared with anyone yeah you

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know especially of where I'm at right now you

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know sometimes I feel like do I still dare to dream it breaks

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my heart it breaks my heart because on one side I can see why

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I'm doing it is to protect myself but when did I

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start when did I when did this start when did I

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start doing this how did I I get you and and.

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It goes back to what we were saying about our thoughts and

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how we think and how we think big and how we

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have all the ideas but also for me

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it wasn't the medication that suppressed me the world suppressed

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me and then initially and then to protect myself I started suppressing myself

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although I was out and proud and saying hey look at me and I'm doing great things

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and I'm best and I'm working but somewhere along the line I've still been suppressing

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myself And I've only just really come to that conclusion quite recently.

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But I also think it's society. I think the way society is going, particularly in the UK, I feel like,

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particularly around the world, I'm not going to lie, I feel like...

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Kind of doing it people are struggling people are

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struggling doesn't matter who you are people are struggling

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yeah and I think that the pandemic shone a big light on that I think people

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were covering it up that's my point and the shone a big light hey because I

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remember like I had a friend that said to me oh my goodness the anxiety that

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I feel about this do you feel that like

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all the time or a lot. And I'm like, yep.

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Welcome to my world. It's funny because in the pandemic was the only time that I actually chilled.

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Everyone was freaking out. I wasn't freaking out because I've been in the house

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for years. I've already lived that life. I've been in my own lockdown in my brain. You know, like there was nothing that

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at that point anyone could tell. In fact, it kind of, I felt relief that the world had to stop because it constantly

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felt like Like the world was turning, everyone was out there doing stuff and I was stuck.

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And I, you know, everyone was achieving and I was depressed at home.

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And now, well, everyone's got to be at home too. So we're all in the same position.

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So I actually felt the pressure come off me, particularly in the beginning when it felt ticked off.

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It was a bit of a novelty for everyone because we were all baking banana bread,

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going for nice walks. And it was a bit of a holiday, wasn't it?

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And then by the second sort of lockdown, that's when people started going,

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OK, this isn't funny anymore. You know we need to get out yeah and it was hard it

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was it was hard then but yeah in the beginning I was

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feeling like a villain mate I was well happy to have permission to sit at home

18:39

and not have to leave my house because actually people think I'm really out

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going whatever I am to a degree in my mind when there's reason when there's

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not you'll find me at home you will find me I'm a homebody I'm not this big.

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Out there, celeb that people think I am. I am a homebody. I like my home. I like my sofa.

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And for everyone to be locked down, it meant that I had permission to do that without guilt. Yeah.

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Yeah. And then too, like it gave me permission because I had a bit of hypomanic

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energy because I was like, see everybody, the world, like I've seen the world as hard.

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I was just like, see this. I felt like people were seeing it.

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Like I felt like people just go along in their everyday lives and whatever.

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Meanwhile, internally, I'm like, see the hard things, right?

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So it felt like, I don't know, there was a bit of relief in it.

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And actually, like we, Julie and I, we, once the world shut down,

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we were just going to do something for World Bipolar Day.

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We literally were going to do a collab on Instagram.

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And we met on Facebook.

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I had met her in person one time before I interviewed her at a speaking engagement.

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And by the end of that Facebook, that was like two and a half hours, we had our show.

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And then we put it out. Yeah, so we were able to harness that energy in within COVID, right?

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Instead of like, I could have easily spiraled, right?

20:09

And so yeah, I think it shone a light, And it actually, some people in my life

20:15

were actually understood a part of me that, that they couldn't before.

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They didn't understand what it would, what it felt like to feel like the world

20:22

was ending, which I feel regularly.

20:25

Which we felt over and over and over again. Like we've been in it for years, right?

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So people, you're right. It was like, suddenly people were feeling what we felt.

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And I guess that's where the sense of relief came from. I was like,

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oh, not that I ever wished it on my own words. No, no, I hear you.

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Gave a sense of maybe you guys

20:44

might get it a little bit now so ironically like I

20:47

said in that moment I was able to go oh oh yeah I don't feel so much pressure

20:52

right now everyone kind of is getting it yeah and you're like I know what to

20:56

do I know what to do whereas everyone was trying to figure out breathing techniques

21:00

and all the things were like we have to do this yes we knew it yeah I knew what

21:04

to do. That's right. It's pretty wild.

21:08

Yeah, we have to close. Yeah. Thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

21:11

So, okay, this is one thing I wanted to ask you. Being in the TV industry and being in media.

21:19

How do you feel about the misconceptions or what do you think are big misconceptions.

21:26

In media and pop culture and movies about folks with bipolar disorder?

21:31

Disorder such a disservice like movies and shows how do you feel about that

21:37

because I don't know like you probably have some different shows but you probably

21:41

see some of this obviously the same big hits that that I do right.

21:46

Give me some example. Okay. So do you notice?

21:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So do you notice, I notice that a lot of times,

21:56

especially the people my age and as a mom in movie,

22:03

I'll be able to tell that they're going to say they're bipolar before they are

22:06

because all of a sudden they're dating someone younger.

22:09

They've left their guy. They're always freaking painters, right?

22:13

And free spirits. And I just feel like this is such, such a stereotype, right?

22:18

Or we're always bad or violent or do you know what I mean?

22:23

Like I want, I long for a show, one that shows it in a good,

22:28

like in a light, good light.

22:30

And then also I long for shows for those characters that have bipolar disorder

22:33

that that's not the story. That's not the story. Exactly. They just so happen to have it. Right.

22:39

There's this new show. I think Bipolar UK did a lot of the consultancy on it.

22:44

A new drama on a sort of comedy drama on Channel 4, which is the same channel that my show is on.

22:51

I watched the first episode and it was, it stars the girl from Bridgerton,

22:56

one of the girls from Bridgerton, who was also in Derry Girls.

23:01

I've forgotten her name, but she's such a great actress. The blonde one?

23:04

She has, yes, her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

23:08

And I really like her. And she plays that. And it was very funny.

23:12

And, and you know what? they did it in a good way that it was

23:15

kind of like you know those things of bipolar that

23:18

nobody really wants to talk about but that happens so for example

23:21

sorry i don't know why i'm laughing at this and

23:24

i'm not saying this is typically bipolar thing but it really could be so

23:27

for example she's having a manic episode yeah he's been

23:30

invited to her school to go and give a

23:32

speech of how well she's doing in life uh you know

23:35

it's the first episode so we don't really know that much about the character she's took

23:38

her out for whatever but really in her mind she's not going

23:41

going back to that she's going back she remembers having a crush on the

23:44

teacher and now she's older she's like yeah i'm gonna

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whatever you know she ends up

23:50

going there doing the speech but then ends up in his office and

23:53

she literally has sex with him and then the wife walks in now i know

23:56

it's super extreme yeah but just the fact that it could go from going to a school

24:01

to give a speech to how does it go from that to having sex with the headmaster

24:07

and like that quick but in the world in mania things move pretty quickly yeah

24:12

I don't know how I was thinking I was reflecting.

24:16

You know, my journey here of how different things that I've done,

24:20

some that I speak about, some that I'll take to the grave. Yeah.

24:23

And I think, how did that happen? Like, how did that actually, how did that go from zero to 100 so quick?

24:29

And I'm not necessarily talking about sex or hypersexuality,

24:32

because that's a real thing in bi-partnership. It is, it's a real thing.

24:34

But things like, like we said in part one, spending, overspending,

24:39

you know, those sort of like mind games of the auctions that I'd be doing on

24:45

eBay and things like that. You know, it's like, how do I go from zero to 100 so quick?

24:50

Or I'd be perfectly fine. Somebody says one thing and I'm like,

24:53

sometimes I feel like I have the strength of 10 men and I'll just be like,

24:56

you know, and all this wrath will come out.

25:00

How do you go from zero to 100? Yeah, for sure. It's not always like that.

25:04

It could just be like that in the situation.

25:07

So that's a really good show. Oh, that is a good show.

25:10

And I think that, you know, Even in the stereotypes, there is truth in them.

25:17

I think my, the sadness that I have about some of them is just that it doesn't show any other side.

25:24

So then it's all, we're always like this.

25:27

So then you, it's, it perpetuates this idea that we can't live,

25:31

you know, what people would call, there's not a better word,

25:34

but like normal life or when we live in euthymia where we were symptom free.

25:38

And I think it just showing other things I mean

25:41

it doesn't if you don't understand it they'll think that's

25:44

where we live all the time like a lot of people are like well

25:47

which one are you today because you're because we always have to be but you

25:50

know hypomanic romantic and we always have to be depressed where I had years

25:54

with barely any symptoms or nothing yeah so I think my thing is I want and that's

26:00

what I love about you and how you're open because you do these shows and these

26:04

things and they're not about your bipolar disorder

26:07

but yet you're saying you have bipolar disorder and yeah there's

26:11

a few it's important yeah and there's a few shows

26:13

here that because i'm a big reader and so they were adaptations from the book

26:18

and then they put bipolar characters in that weren't in the book and they're

26:21

memoirs right of this other thing i'm thinking of this series called made and

26:26

they added that for entertainment value into her the adaptation of her movie

26:32

like Like we're entertainment. The extreme part is entertainment. Anyways, I get very, I get emotional about

26:38

it. Cause I'm like, just show other things because we want people to understand

26:42

our experience, but yet not, it's not all that we are. Does that make sense?

26:48

Well, it makes complete sense. I think a lot of people as well,

26:52

misconceptions believe that with bipolar, yes, it is mood swings,

26:57

obviously, but it's not like in seconds.

26:59

I think a big misconception, people think one minute you're like.

27:04

It doesn't, it doesn't happen that way.

27:07

You're not going from laughter to tears in 30 seconds, like, come on.

27:11

And that's often the way it's portrayed almost like

27:15

and I don't want to do a disservice to those who have schizophrenia but

27:18

almost in that and it doesn't even work that way in schizophrenia either.

27:21

You know or they think it's like a some kind of

27:24

personality disorder or something they literally think you're

27:27

Jekyll and Hyde I've had that a lot so if

27:30

I say to somebody I meet somebody and I say have polo do

27:32

you know what that is they're like oh it just means that you're you're happy

27:35

one one minute and you're sad the next i'm like no it's

27:39

a lot more than than that then you know

27:42

i'm not happy that just makes me sound a bit crazy and by

27:45

the way i'm not crazy that's the middle section yeah society

27:48

tells you people with bipolar and that is

27:51

why what we do is so important to normalize it

27:54

you know i'm not saying that it's a pain nobody wants

27:57

to have bipolar or anything else but you know we all

28:00

have crosses to bear everyone's got some ailment in

28:03

their family or something right and bipolar just so

28:06

happens to be my cross that I bear but the

28:09

bottom line is is that it like you say it doesn't define

28:12

me but representation matters the more

28:15

people see people like us who go yes

28:18

we're not perfect yes we have bad days but we work

28:21

we're quote-unquote normal we live life we

28:24

socialize we have husbands we have daughters we

28:27

have sons you know we are quote-unquote normal people

28:31

instead of this thing that people think we are like

28:34

we're literally these crazed deranged entities.

28:38

Who i don't know is suddenly going to turn into little goblins and i mean i.

28:43

Don't know but sometimes i see the way people look at me especially in the beginning

28:47

when i'd reveal my bipolar i'd reveal it because i felt like it to be a reveal i'm going to accept

28:54

me, accept me now. If you don't accept me, see you later, honey.

28:57

Really, you're not for me. You're not part of my tribe. I don't need it.

29:01

Because like I said, anything toxic, anything negative, you're gone.

29:04

But in the beginning, I used to really feel like, please accept me.

29:09

My bipolar, and now I'm like, see, if you want to have misconceptions that what

29:16

you're afraid of me now, you're going to sleep with one eye open,

29:20

you're afraid to come and visit or ask me over or ask me out or do things as

29:25

friends or whatever because you think that I might suddenly,

29:28

I don't know what they think. I'm not even going to put my mind there.

29:31

It's their problem. It's not my problem. I used to think in the beginning it

29:35

was my problem. It's not my problem. I've now grown.

29:39

To or I've learned to care less about

29:42

other people's perceptions that's all I

29:45

cared about what are people going to think of me that's all I cared about when

29:49

I was diagnosed what are people going to think of me now I care to be honest

29:55

because I think you know what I know where I've come from and I know how hard

29:59

I've worked and I also know my heart I know my heart is pure I'm not I'm not a bad person.

30:05

I'm not perfect. Do you know what I mean? But I'm a bad person.

30:09

At my core, I do a lot of good. I do a lot of good in this world.

30:13

And these are things, these are my affirmations that I also tell myself to remind

30:17

myself and keep feeding that into the world because I spent years going,

30:21

you're bad, you're this, you're terrible.

30:24

Now I reverse all of that. And the truth is the truth, right?

30:28

You know, so we have to believe in ourselves selves and

30:31

that's got to show up to the world so that all these

30:34

silly stigmas that people see hopefully it will

30:37

just become less and less eventually yeah yeah and

30:40

I think people think that so I think that it depends on to where you are at

30:46

in in your career or in or even in your life because I feel like that and yet

30:54

because of stigma like I have to be careful there's some

30:59

things that I don't talk about and I regularly have fear that I'm going to lose

31:03

my job as a teacher or that the elementary school, cause I teach littles that

31:07

their parents are going to be like, we don't want her as a teacher or my kids friends,

31:11

or one just happened recently where,

31:14

so I ended up cause I like to plan parties and I do event planning on the side

31:19

because you know, we get bored. Oh my God, I used to do all that too.

31:24

God, there's so many similarities. oh my goodness we should put

31:27

on a bipolar bash slash information honestly

31:30

i wish if i was in canada or you were

31:33

in the uk i would be like let's do an event tomorrow i mean it doesn't mean

31:39

you can't do it but we need to do it we'll figure it out here we are people

31:43

with our ideas but we're gonna do it yeah so yeah let's put it in our in our

31:48

thing because i i if we can find a way out there I mean,

31:51

and there's so many people online that are like, yeah, and if you did event

31:56

planning and I did, we can actually make it happen because we know how to step.

32:00

But I know how to make it happen. Yeah. So all that to say, I was on the lead

32:07

planner of my other daughter's prom.

32:10

So my other daughter's graduating next year. And so, of course,

32:13

I ended up being the chair of the events.

32:17

Of course but I it says down

32:21

in my so I have my email it isn't my podcast

32:24

email but even in my email I put host of this is

32:27

bipolar and I like I have my little thing right and

32:30

I literally almost still because they don't know

32:33

me yet because I haven't done much the school has like her graduating classes like

32:36

I don't know 300 like it's not I'm

32:39

not known in that school where elementary school yeah yeah

32:42

elementary school I was the mom yeah that

32:45

mom I was into everything I love it so anyways

32:49

I sent an email to the principal and

32:52

then to another person and I considered taking it off and I was like darn it

32:57

damn it there's still that stigma that I feel like I I always feel like oh well

33:02

maybe they need to get to know me first as a like before they get And I was

33:08

like, and I hear that from others.

33:10

I did this post friend on Instagram and I talked about self stigma masking.

33:17

I talked about masking and I asked people, so I did it in the feed. And I saw that. Yeah.

33:22

And the amount of people that said that they don't want to, but they have to

33:27

because they might lose their job or they have before and lost their job.

33:31

And I thought I'd get some for sure. But the amount of it, I cried in my room

33:37

for those people and held space for hours because I was like,

33:41

the fact that now that we're still afraid to tell people in our jobs and people

33:47

we meet that there's that tells me that the stigma is still strong.

33:51

And I know we've come and I try to be positive, but man, we have a lot of ways

33:56

to go. So is there all that to come to this question?

33:59

Is there times, like, still that you feel that stigma in your life?

34:05

And then this is a two-parter, because I'm thinking way ahead as we do.

34:10

Do you feel like... You need to be, as a public person and as ambassador, do you feel like you need

34:18

to be like a good representative? Like, do you feel the pressure to be a good representative of someone that's

34:22

bipolar? Because I feel like that all the time, this pressure that I have.

34:27

Yes. So two questions. Is there in your life where you still feel that stigma?

34:31

And two, do you feel like you need to be the best representation?

34:37

Hard questions. I'm sorry. Yeah, good question. you know I used to feel that

34:43

a lot about it yeah no it's good I used to feel that

34:45

a lot about the stigmas it took me years that's why when I

34:48

got the diagnosis I hid it for seven I think it was over seven years until one

34:53

day I woke up and I just said enough's enough because I felt like that was the

34:58

last sort of metaphorical change around me that was preventing me from getting

35:02

well I'd done stuff up until that point to get myself to a more healthier place but I felt that

35:08

hiding it was stopping me from being my authentic self.

35:11

Because if I can't accept bipolars in my life, how am I going to become well

35:15

again? Really? I could do stuff.

35:17

But if I'm still denying the existence of bipolar because I'm hiding it and

35:22

I'm not saying, well, this is me, whatever this is, guys, then this is going

35:26

to keep me under the cosh.

35:30

I didn't want that for me anymore. So I was just like, right.

35:33

So I came out, out and proud. then I felt

35:37

euphoric and then I was like oh my god what have I done because

35:40

I realized that people you know I got messages everyone going wow incredible

35:44

good few people saying I'm happy you did that but are you sure are you sure

35:50

because you know people are gonna stereotype you you know the stigmas you know

35:53

whatever especially I got that from people in the black community especially.

35:58

They were like are you sure you you know what I have to say I stuck to my gun now I nobody's ever

36:05

said it to my face but does part of me

36:07

think that there are probably some people out there that think she has

36:12

bipolar and that they judge me secretly maybe they

36:15

do but like I said earlier that's their problem not mine

36:18

so there are moments where I do feel like oh my god oh my god should I be talking

36:22

about this should I whatever and then I you know I've really spent years to

36:27

try and just shrug off those stigmas because if I allow my brain to start going

36:33

there my brain will take it and it will run with it.

36:36

And it's going to make it into a big thing. And before you know it,

36:38

I'm no longer an ambassador. In fact, I'm not even on TV. In fact, I'm not going to leave my house.

36:43

That will spiral very quickly if I'm not careful.

36:47

So I try and stay on what I call code.

36:51

I'm like, it doesn't matter about this. I'm just going to keep,

36:55

keep, keep. Because all I could do is represent what you see here.

36:59

Some people don't like, they think that I'm very passionate when When I speak, most people see that.

37:06

As a as a powerful a great thing people go

37:09

I love the way you speak Leah you're so enthusiastic you're so passionate

37:12

I felt that and then other people go oh my gosh

37:15

whose problem is that this is who I am like

37:18

you know I'm quite enthusiastic when I speak is how I sound I'm animated and

37:24

I thought oh maybe I should try and tone it down tone it but who am I appeasing

37:28

I'm appeasing other people not me yeah I'm gonna make myself sick again if I'm

37:33

sick who looks after nobody.

37:36

So Leah your first priority is to keep

37:38

yourself well that's what I tell myself so yes sometimes

37:41

I feel those stigmas and then I quickly shut them away

37:44

or shove them out the door because I will not let them climb

37:47

through my window and make themselves comfortable in

37:50

my room it's not happening the minute I see it

37:53

I'm like shooting you right out funny and I'm

37:56

closing that door behind you you are not making camp

37:59

in my house because if you let a bad thought

38:02

or bad person and a bad thought make camp in

38:05

your house before you know it you're going

38:08

to be unwell yeah so me I

38:11

just so that's answering the first question it's a

38:14

yes or a no I kind of answer but not but yeah you did answer but I I just and

38:21

then the second question I'll go quick recap what was the second question do

38:26

I oh as a person in the public eye do I feel like I have to always sort There are times, but again,

38:32

everything I do, I try and do with 100% authenticity.

38:37

So on one hand, if I'm really, really sick, you just won't see me about.

38:41

That's the true way of knowing. You won't see me about. You won't see me online

38:44

because I'm probably having a down day or maybe a down week.

38:48

Like I said, I'm not that big on social media anyway, and I probably should

38:52

be for somebody in the public eye. But you see, the issue is even with social media, because I put up a post and

38:58

I might say something about bipolar. Say on twitter or x and i can guarantee there's going to be five people coming

39:04

under me saying bipolar isn't real it's all in your head people being and i

39:08

just can't be arsed with it i can't be arsed so i just think i can't be arsed

39:13

babe seriously so that's why sometimes.

39:16

But to do it, that's why sometimes I would prefer to come on Shaylee's podcast and talk.

39:22

Because you know what? Then they'll put the comments on your post.

39:25

I don't mean that because putting that to you, but you. No, no, no.

39:28

I'm actually, I actually thought that I would get that a lot more.

39:34

But I think that most people know they're coming to because my handle is this is bipolar.

39:39

I get a little bit more on my more personal where it's, do you know what I mean?

39:45

I get that more on there. I get it. Right.

39:47

So I didn't get it on my Illuminate mental health platform.

39:50

But when it's me speaking, I get some asshole that feels like it's their right

39:56

to come and tell me that bipolar is made up and it's this and it's that.

40:00

So Leah Charles King ignores it and moves on. So when you say, do I mask?

40:06

Yes, in certain times. You know, I'm a black woman from London.

40:10

I can handle myself. I can stick up for myself. So when people are coming and

40:14

chatting rubbish to me, like I could just tell them something straight away

40:18

and being bipolar, if we tap into that dark side of bipolar,

40:22

let's be honest, you know, in our bad ways, we could probably crush somebody

40:25

more than they could crush us, right? But I choose to live in love and peace and harmony. I'll just gracefully ignore those people.

40:33

But there are moments in me I'm having a rough day yeah

40:36

I need some stranger somewhere coming and

40:39

telling me about my life and what I've gone through

40:42

and that it's not real and it's made up and you

40:45

should do this and then I'm like but obviously

40:48

I can't because I'm in the public eye so I've

40:51

got to be I've got to be not I mean I don't have to

40:54

I don't have to I could just whatever yeah there's

40:58

always like yeah there's always always a

41:01

line I always say I'll block them and bless them block

41:05

and bless block it takes I get a lot of these messages after the podcast is

41:09

well I could never be like you um you know you're you're stronger than me you

41:13

know or it's unsafe for me to tell people I wish I could you know all these

41:18

things and I want to say to you that Like we said before, bipolar is not a monolith.

41:23

Leah and I are, you know, extroverted.

41:27

This is our advocacy. This doesn't mean that you're not smashing stigma or whatever.

41:34

Yours is maybe just telling one person that doesn't understand.

41:37

Yours is maybe liking one of our posts. That is advocacy.

41:42

That is advocacy. So please don't put us up on pedestal. You know,

41:46

everybody has other gifts and talents and we like microphones.

41:49

Phones. And so please don't let this, you know, don't let feel bad that you

41:55

can't be the same because we all need to do things on different levels.

42:00

And I truly believe that telling one person speaking out loud that you live

42:05

with bipolar disorder is advocacy.

42:09

Shaylee i i absolutely agree here here

42:12

yeah i feel like we all have our different paths in life we

42:15

all have our different strengths and you know things that

42:18

we're good at this just for me i was already in the public eye right so it just

42:23

made absolute sense because if i'm going to continue to be in the public eye

42:27

which i was you know after i was sick and got diagnosed i never thought i'd

42:31

work again back in media but i ended up because clearly that's what i'm meant

42:35

to be doing i ended up being dragged back.

42:37

I never tried. Believe you me, I've tried to quit the industry a million times

42:40

because it's just painful sometimes. But I always get pulled back somehow.

42:44

So I thought, well, the only way to be authentic and show up is I'm going to

42:47

have to speak about this. And that's why. So it's just coincidence that, well, if I'm going to have this platform,

42:53

I should then use it to represent that.

42:55

But I know many people who are in the public eye and who aren't,

43:00

who were still successful in their own rights, who have bipolar.

43:03

Some keep it a secret, some only tell their loved ones

43:06

some don't everyone copes and

43:10

deals with it and manages it how they want do what is

43:13

right for you yeah my only advice

43:16

or encouragement would be do what

43:20

is authentic so for example you don't need to tell

43:23

the world you don't need to tell the world but be authentic

43:25

to who you are if you are behind closed doors and

43:28

you have loved ones around you for example friends partners husbands

43:32

wives whatever they deserve to know because you

43:36

deserve the support yeah right you deserve that

43:39

support and for you know they deserve to know so allow them to love you the

43:45

way that you deserve to be loved if you don't tell them you're carrying a burden

43:49

you don't deserve that none of us do so don't carry the burden and you know

43:53

what if that person is going to turn on you because you have bipolar that means

43:56

that they they don't have that love for. You that you hope and if they don't have that love for you

44:01

then you need to be free to find that love go where

44:04

you are wanted go where you are loved and

44:07

that's what I truly believe so yes it's hard

44:10

but if we're holding on to the wrong types of relationships

44:13

and the wrong types of people that's gonna again dim

44:16

our light keep us low keep us small I

44:19

refuse that because I remember feeling that small and

44:22

breaking out of these chains and now I'm like here I

44:25

am take it or leave it this me but

44:28

as you just said to everyone you don't have

44:31

to be leo or shaley character you don't have

44:34

to go and tell the world it might just be like you're showing up within

44:37

your household you're showing up among your kids people say my mom bipolar i

44:43

wish they talked to me about it i wish they explained i wish they knew i wish

44:47

they understood but they were so ashamed or they didn't talk about it and and

44:51

as kids they grew up being affected by watching their bed swings or having these

44:55

times Times were there in a bit. Minute they're happy and whatever so this is

45:02

what I mean by honesty honesty in a

45:05

environment is important being honest

45:08

with the people around you if there's people who love you enough

45:11

to be in your home your kids your your partners your

45:14

loved ones they will support you they will

45:17

love you they will love you I promise you may.

45:20

Be hard you may have questions but true

45:22

people who love you will be there and that's what I've learned since

45:26

coming out of the bipolar closet people have

45:29

even really rooted this way with me when I

45:32

thought I'd be abandoned I actually had a lot more support than

45:35

I even knew in fact I had less support when I

45:38

was hiding it right when I was hiding it I had

45:41

much less yeah since coming out I've got a

45:44

lot more support and actually know that I'm a lot more loved than

45:47

what my brain once told me I was my mind told me

45:50

I wasn't loved yeah yeah it's oh yes i

45:54

love that you said that that's the one thing and i

45:57

would just love well i would love to talk to you forever

46:00

because we're now best friends but i would just love to wrap

46:02

it up because because you what

46:07

you said like you are deserving we tend to blame everything on

46:10

ourselves or like take scraps or feel like

46:13

oh we're lucky that they put up with us i mean and.

46:16

No right no oh no no more than

46:19

breadcrumbs we are good we are whole people you

46:21

know what the more we work on ourselves and make ourselves

46:24

better people then we're even greater you know

46:27

as they say later we'll be greater so at the end

46:30

of the day i'm not uh yeah later we'll

46:33

be great honey you know i'm not gonna sit there and kiss anybody's

46:36

feet because quote unquote they put up with me or maybe

46:39

i put up with them just as equally you know we

46:42

are people we make mistakes we do good we

46:44

do bad we have high days we have low days nobody should

46:48

feel like they're being put up with like I said you deserve

46:51

love and go where you are loved and

46:54

that goes for all the listeners we deserve to be happy I think I said it in

46:58

part one we deserve to be happy we deserve to live a happy life bipolar does

47:03

not need to be the be all and end all for me for many years I thought is the

47:07

be all and end all the first thought in the morning the last thought at night

47:11

and every we thought in between, oh, I'm bipolar, oh, no, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And now...

47:17

It's Mental Health Awareness Week, so I'll think about it more.

47:19

I'm talking to you for a couple of hours. But at the same time, I try not to think of it every day.

47:26

Certainly nothing like how I used to. It took over my whole life because I felt

47:30

like I had to apologize, be apologetic to the world because here I am with bipolar.

47:37

Absolutely not. if I have that attitude that's going

47:39

to make me small and make me believe continue to

47:42

believe that I'm nothing and I'm unworthy and I

47:45

felt many years that I was unworthy and that's untrue we

47:48

are all worthy and if you are a good person you deserve

47:51

good things and I wish good things for you Shaylee and

47:54

I wish good things for all your listeners may you all be blessed in whatever

47:58

you choose to do in life and we're all just striving for the same thing and

48:02

that's to be well that's be happy and healthy and keep the right things in mind

48:07

which are the things that hold us dear our loved ones you know because tomorrow's

48:12

not promised tomorrow's not promised so.

48:15

That's what I hold in my heart that's how I choose to live

48:18

now and I absolutely adore

48:21

you for that so friends go go and support Leah go and find all her things and

48:30

listen to her because really she is just made my day and I will carry so many

48:35

of the things that you have said in my heart.

48:39

And so yeah, I just want to remind everybody because I always forget to do this,

48:44

but Leah has inspired me telling me that I'm worthy.

48:47

I have subscriptions on Instagram. If you like what I do or want to support

48:51

the work or want extra content and you get extra episodes that are exclusive,

48:58

It is $6.99 US a month. Go.

49:00

If you don't want, we also have, yeah, we have a personal support group message where we message daily.

49:08

It's like a little support group in there.

49:11

And some people say, but I don't want to show up. I just want to support you.

49:15

You can also subscribe and not show up.

49:17

But I'm telling you, the little group we have there. That's brilliant.

49:21

Yeah, yeah. And we're actually- That's brilliant. Good for you.

49:24

Maybe I should do something like that. a bit imposter syndrome i always think

49:28

nobody's gonna show up nobody wants to hang out with me and then i meet somebody

49:32

like you who goes we love you we love hanging out with you so maybe yeah i need

49:36

to maybe one day i mean right now well maybe you can zoom in on some of our.

49:43

We're starting our we're starting

49:46

at we're gonna have our first like zoom meeting together

49:50

and meet each other so it's pretty cool but yeah

49:53

you'll have to come come and visit us so yes

49:56

that is my spiel of believing in my worthiness and so I love you to bits friends

50:03

you're going to see us doing on stuff online together because I'm not going

50:06

to leave her alone she is awesome I love that please don't leave me alone Jaylee or prod me.

50:15

Inspire me that's what i'm looking for

50:17

at the moment you know and it's great to meet friends from

50:20

around the world i'm so happy that we met

50:23

and that is part of why social media is good right i know i go but if it wasn't

50:28

for social media we would never even know that each other is existing and you

50:32

know we might be in our own little pockets of the world suffering in silence

50:35

right so social media does help with connecting like-minded people like ourselves

50:40

so thank you so much for having me and your podcast.

50:42

I wish you all the best. You really inspired me by our conversation today,

50:47

but also how you manage your social media presence and your content.

50:51

And I just wish the best for you, like for everybody else. For anyone out there

50:55

who's suffering, maybe you're newly diagnosed. Maybe you're going through the journey. Maybe you're going through the groundhog

51:01

day that I spoke about in part one.

51:03

Just know that tomorrow's another day. There is life after diagnosis,

51:08

you know and just take every day as it comes try

51:11

not to beat yourself up about life be gentle

51:14

with yourself just like you would with a friend you wouldn't

51:17

beat your friend up the way we could beat our own selves up would you so remember

51:21

that next time you're you're proverbially banging yourself about the head you

51:26

know just remember that that you would be kind to a friend so be kind to yourself

51:29

first and foremost thank you so much I love that heart this is bipolar.

51:36

Bipolar. Thanks again for tuning in.

51:38

You can find video versions of This is Bipolar on our YouTube channel.

51:42

We also have all our previous and soon to be future episodes of the podcast

51:49

on Apple, Podbean, Spotify, and Google Play.

51:52

We spend most of our time on Instagram at this.is.bipolar.

51:59

There is a vibrant community there where we have conversations and post different

52:05

ideas and different strategies and we'd just love for you to join us there.

52:11

It is so helpful if you enjoy our work or think it would be helpful to someone

52:17

if you could like and share and save and follow us in all or any of those spaces.

52:23

If you're a listener for the podcast, if you could leave a review,

52:27

we would be forever grateful. Again, thank you for being here with us.

52:32

Let's get the word out. Let's share lived experiences so that we can change

52:36

the ideas that people have about bipolar and help those of us that live with

52:42

it feel less alone. This is bipolar.

52:46

Music.