0:00

Hi and welcome to the Therapy and

0:02

in that your podcast. I'm Ella Mcadam,

0:04

a licensed marriage and family therapist and

0:06

it's my mission to create easy to

0:09

understand educational content, but therapeutic skills and

0:11

topics that anyone can use in their

0:13

daily life. Stay tuned to the end

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the video to learn more about my

0:17

mental health courses, discounts and other news

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related to Therapy In a natural Hope

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you enjoy the episode. Each podcast episode

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comes from a corresponding video you can

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find on the therapy. In a nutshell

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Youtube channel. Also, these podcasts

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are educational and don't replace the.

0:33

Advice or direction you may be

0:35

receiving from a therapist or other

0:38

health professional? All right, let's jump

0:40

in. I recently got an email

0:42

from a woman who said that

0:45

she had been diagnosed with severe

0:47

anxiety and depression and some other

0:49

disorders and she tried yoga, mindfulness,

0:51

self compassion, chronic skills, and P

0:54

B T skills. She saw doctors.

0:56

she tried multiple medications but still.

0:58

She had so much anxiety that. It made a

1:00

hardware to function in life. But.

1:03

She said in her email something did work.

1:05

Leaving. Her abusive husband.

1:08

You. See, the probably wasn't the anxiety in

1:10

our head. The problem was the situation. She

1:13

was married to an abusive men.

1:15

He was physically abusive, emotionally abusive,

1:17

and financially abusive for seventeen years.

1:20

In that situation, you could do

1:22

all the therapy. In the world.

1:25

But the anxiety probably wouldn't

1:27

go away because anxiety wasn't

1:29

the problem. Anxiety. Was the messenger

1:31

and in this situation it was

1:33

delivering a truthful message. You aren't

1:35

safe and no matter how much

1:37

coping she did or how much

1:40

yoga and positive thinking. It wasn't

1:42

going to change the situation for her. She.

1:45

Said that when she finally

1:47

left that abusive relationship. All.

1:49

Of her symptoms greatly decreased.

1:52

She. Continues to get support from

1:54

her family, friends, and professionals, but

1:56

she doesn't experience severe anxiety and

1:59

depression anymore. Sometimes

2:01

the best treatment for anxiety

2:03

isn't psychological. It's not mindfulness

2:06

or ground and skills. It's

2:08

actually taking action to solve

2:11

a problem. In. This video

2:13

we're going to explore. How to manage

2:15

anxiety by solving problems instead of

2:17

this coping with them And is

2:19

this whole section of this. Course,

2:21

we're going to talk about how to listen

2:23

to anxiety as a messenger, how to take

2:26

action the gets to the root of the

2:28

issue instead of just trying to change how

2:30

we feel. With. The surprising

2:32

outcome being that often senses are we

2:34

feel okay remember the funds to them

2:36

Anxiety is our bodies alerting system. It's

2:38

like a smoke alarm. It's sometimes goes

2:41

off when there's no dangerous but when

2:43

there's a real danger when as the

2:45

a fire. It doesn't do any

2:47

good to keep silencing the allure. You

2:49

need to put the fire out or

2:52

leave the house and make plans for

2:54

fire prevention in the future. Anxiety can

2:56

be a messenger. So one of the

2:59

biggest problems is that people put all

3:01

their energy into making their anxiety go

3:03

away or making their struggle with but

3:06

the emotional, never the problem. Avoiding the

3:08

emotion or avoiding the problem is usually

3:10

the problem. So the question you need

3:12

to ask is, is there a real

3:15

problem? What is anxiety trying to tell

3:17

me? Oh, I'm actually. In danger.

3:20

Or. Am I feeling of danger? What I'm

3:22

actually says if it's the latter. the previous

3:24

two sections, of course, teaching how we think

3:26

it's turning on the first sympathetic response or

3:28

good way to deal with it's But when

3:31

there's an actual problem to be solved, say,

3:33

seen, the problem is the absolute best solution.

3:35

So. One of the biggest problems

3:38

with popular stress management advice is

3:40

that it's all focused on reducing.

3:42

the stress response is all focused

3:44

on relaxation instead of actually addressing

3:46

the stressor. So if I'm worried

3:48

about finances, Maybe that's because I need

3:50

to create a budgets and a long term

3:53

financial plans and not just practice some breathing.

3:55

Techniques if you're stressed about email and.

3:58

Just do a meditation. When

4:00

set some boundaries you can delegate

4:02

unsubscribe determine which emails are essential

4:04

see or roles and which ones

4:06

aren't secure. Work: Email off your

4:08

food or start testing is and

4:10

night. Okay how about this is

4:13

our one person drive you crazy.

4:15

Instead of just do the relaxation techniques,

4:17

Perhaps you need to learn a new

4:20

skills like how to be assertive or

4:22

how to set boundaries. Maybe easy to

4:24

learn to communicate better or deal with

4:27

conflict appropriately. The anxiety around that relationship

4:29

might be a sign that something needs

4:31

to change, and this. You need

4:33

to level up. Now. This means

4:36

I get as easily sell my

4:38

trade solutions. I understand that the

4:40

last thing solutions to these problems

4:42

may be quite complicated, but the

4:45

idea is you can't just managing

4:47

Zionists by managing. Your. Anxiety Response:

4:49

We have to look at the

4:52

stressors not by avoiding them, but

4:54

by ceasing and resolving them. And

4:56

I want to emphasize this: resolving

4:58

problems is not the same as

5:00

avoiding them. I'm you can just

5:02

cut people off and use that

5:04

as you're only tool. You'll end

5:06

up very lonely. You can't avoid

5:08

everything that makes you anxious because

5:10

one that shrinks your life down

5:12

and to as see things I

5:14

recycle. Avoidance increases exile so isn't

5:16

that is a messenger. and sometimes

5:18

exactly. Is trying to tell you that something's wrong?

5:21

What do we do about that?

5:23

We need to face problems and

5:25

results us. So. Talk

5:28

about how to solve problems

5:30

like of therapists. That

5:32

number was right on non. Nick.

5:35

Would not as never worry in.

5:37

Your head right, You must be

5:39

amazed at how much good that

5:41

simple step actually does be. Specific

5:43

and concrete. So don't say our

5:45

work is too stressful. Say I

5:47

get. Stressed out because we have so

5:49

many projects at once and I don't know

5:52

which one I should focus on. So.

5:54

I feel like I'm never doing good

5:56

enough. Because. Is always more to

5:58

do so by the. More specific,

6:00

already known each project exploring. That

6:03

feeling of never good enough to give

6:05

yourself something tangible to work on so

6:07

we can actually woman breakdown of probably

6:09

make it clear if we can actually

6:11

take action. On each of those little

6:13

problems. Cast of to

6:15

Be realize what a positive outcome would

6:17

look like, so be solution oriented. What

6:19

would it look like when that problem

6:21

is solved? For example, I would be

6:23

clear on my responsibilities at work and

6:26

I would excuse myself from email conversations

6:28

that don't apply to me. Or.

6:30

Would have clear set hours each week

6:32

when I do and don't answer emails.

6:35

Or. And with know how much money

6:38

I could spend. And have a best of

6:40

send. A. Check and wouldn't take

6:42

me because I could have been

6:44

a new suit. Or

6:47

for example, I would communicate more directly with

6:49

my mother in law. I would tell her

6:51

what I do and don't like inside of

6:53

my own home. Or I would ask for

6:55

to call before showing up. So. These

6:57

are examples of. Outcomes. What

7:00

we would see differently case. Of

7:02

and you'll notice that I focus on what

7:04

you can change, not on what you can't

7:06

send. Some women visualize a positive outcomes. It's

7:09

not that helpful to just visualize that all.

7:11

I would never have to work again because

7:13

I win the lottery or my Mother Lode

7:15

magically. Be able to read my

7:17

mind the do everything my way

7:19

trying. We focus on what we

7:22

contains and like the tiny steps

7:24

to do them with. You know

7:26

we. We focus on the steps

7:28

that we can take. Oh. Case

7:30

number three: Overcoming Mental Blocks. So I

7:32

bet when I brought up the solutions,

7:34

you have an automatic resistance to one

7:37

of these answers you thought realistic or

7:39

that will never work. So this is

7:41

the third thing surface do when they

7:43

solve problems we know how to identify

7:45

it's and workaround Mental blocks. Not most

7:48

of us have a default way of

7:50

dealing. With obstacles will have a hammer it's

7:52

but when all you have as a hammer

7:54

every problem looks like a nail and suddenly

7:56

you're surprised when a hammer. Won't drive a

7:59

both so. Identify your

8:01

mental blocks. What? Is your

8:03

default response to problems. Only.

8:05

To talk about some of the biggest sounds as

8:08

I see in Therapy. The first one is you

8:10

know people. Don't have the skills

8:12

to solve a problem and they don't even

8:14

know what the skill as called so they

8:16

don't know for example, how to how crucial

8:19

conversations or they don't know how to be

8:21

assertive where they don't know how to set

8:23

boundaries. Of the next big

8:25

problems with mental block I seats is people

8:27

are too scared to do what they want

8:30

Do. Ah, Or the that what

8:32

they know they should do other letting

8:34

their motions make the decisions instead of

8:36

their values. Are. Not normal to

8:38

be scared of change and are nervous

8:41

system. Prefers. A familiar

8:43

health to an unfamiliar seven. Third

8:45

thing I see a lot of times and therapies people just

8:47

don't. Know what they really want? They haven't

8:50

clarified their values and it's the fourth one.

8:52

is the thing that I think. In.

8:54

Sarah. See, we do all the time.

8:56

As a therapist's people need support organizing

8:59

a big, complex emotional problem, They need

9:01

someone to help him get clarity. It's

9:03

essentially a sounding board with a whiteboard

9:05

like I can't even imagine do thirty

9:07

without having something to ride on like

9:09

a whiteboard or a clipboard piece of

9:12

paper. Where we take these. Problems We

9:14

write them down and we put him. We

9:16

organize them because of i think one of

9:18

the most offensive. Skills to solving

9:20

problems is just learning how

9:22

to break a problem down

9:24

into smaller steps. So. We

9:26

might like. A lot of us might know how

9:28

to do this in our jobs or works, but

9:31

I think very few people. Know how

9:33

to do this with emotional or mental problems.

9:36

So. Doesn't like up the main things

9:38

I see of therapy I'm she's

9:40

a few other com and mental

9:42

blocks and we can't see the

9:44

real problem or relaxing prospectus on

9:46

that situation. We need someone to

9:48

like a another perspective with an

9:50

outside person. A lot of some

9:52

see both avoid ignore or procrastinate.

9:54

When they're dealing with difficult issues in their less.

9:57

The. Wait until things are in crisis

9:59

before. The. To him. He

10:03

did. You do a thing. To

10:05

suppress or control. Your feelings and

10:07

is hop. It all blows over. Or.

10:10

Maybe revert to helplessness? Maybe you

10:12

think. Ah, but my boss will

10:15

never change or I'm just a bad.

10:17

Problem solvers all never figure this out.

10:19

Or. This problem is impossible to solve.

10:22

Your thoughts are just to find

10:24

and your helplessness. They aren't truth.

10:26

They're covered in thought that you

10:28

choose to believe because excuse you

10:30

from effort. I can you

10:32

blame everyone else your problems like us?

10:34

Well, my boss, it's just a narcissist.

10:36

He'll never change or the economy forces

10:38

me to be poor. Okay

10:40

so what are we do with all

10:42

these mental blocks? The first thing I'll

10:45

say as like we've gotta ask for

10:47

help with gotta get an outside perspective.

10:49

A lot of time we don't even realize that

10:51

are habitual. Blocks or even what's stopping us

10:53

from solving problems because we can have

10:55

rarely see our own blind spots. So

10:57

this is a great time to get

10:59

some support and another perspective. Like an

11:01

honest friend that helpful family members or

11:03

a therapist read, this can help you

11:05

get perspective on the problem and breakthrough

11:07

your mental blocks. On the other

11:10

thing I often do in therapy, the individual comes

11:12

to therapy complaining about their spouse or child. The

11:14

parents I try to see. If don't

11:16

both comes to therapies much as

11:18

a time the people were struggling

11:21

with are the exact same people

11:23

were unwilling to have a real

11:25

conversation with. Okay, Number five. use

11:27

a growth mindset. So. When

11:30

it comes to problem solving, The.

11:32

Best thing you can do is to see

11:34

problems as an opportunity. To grow and

11:36

learn new skills. to live. if

11:39

you from getting. Along

11:41

with coworkers, the opportunity might

11:44

be that. Is to choose to produce

11:46

medication still. And possibly results of

11:48

arguments with your coworkers. Okay,

11:50

so here's how we do this. We

11:52

ask what's the situation I'm and for

11:54

example, my boss gives me too much

11:56

work and then. What? Would I like

11:59

the situation to be. I. Would love

12:01

my boss to give me less work.

12:03

What's the obstacles as keeping me from

12:05

my desired situation? I'm I'm unsure of

12:07

how to talk to my boss about

12:09

my workload. Not. If you

12:11

take every single problem and asked what's a

12:13

skill that I have learned from the situations,

12:16

you're almost always find something that will help

12:18

you improve as a human being and make

12:20

your life better. For example, I need to

12:22

learn how to have that a self control

12:24

of my budget. I need to learn the

12:26

school assertiveness and he will learn how to

12:28

say no to people or how to clarify

12:31

which tasks that priority. When.

12:33

You look at a problem as an opportunity

12:35

to learn. You're. Gonna feel a

12:37

sense of hopefulness. Out. At number

12:39

six, decree this below the sweetest. Pretty

12:41

lazy in solving problems middle of to

12:44

try the same thing that worked in

12:46

the past. but if the only two

12:48

you have the hammer, every problem seems

12:50

like an else. You may think that

12:52

a hammer is your only options, but

12:54

there's actually thousands of tools, some of

12:57

which you've probably never heard of. so

12:59

this is where it can be helpful

13:01

to brainstorm solutions, so make a list

13:03

of at least ten options to solve

13:05

the problem, even ridiculous ways that you

13:07

could possibly solve the problems. Right them?

13:09

any possibility Stones your Judy them. just

13:12

get a bunch of variety. So let's

13:14

try. This is the overbearing mother in

13:16

law I'm I'm going to make a

13:18

huge list of ideas. I'm better off

13:20

entirely The dance party with her. Print out

13:22

a list of rules for your home

13:24

and read them with hurts, have a

13:26

conversation with your husband and asked him to

13:28

talk to her. Never talk to her

13:30

again of as did not say that

13:32

these were all good options. Rights up.

13:34

Move out of the country, Take a class

13:36

on assertiveness. Read a book or ten.

13:38

Articles on Mother Loves Ask your

13:41

friends how those handle a situation.

13:44

Have. A really difficult conversation.

13:46

Make a list of talking points and

13:49

systems her and her husband insists really

13:51

do it on. You could also just

13:53

send your passive aggressive tax. Like.

13:55

I said not all these are good options. and

13:57

send her closely all evil Read

14:00

a book on setting boundaries and set a

14:02

boundary with your mother-in-law Like

14:05

you may not see the kids if you

14:07

undermine my rules at my house Find

14:10

a way to be funny and crack jokes with her do

14:12

something she really likes bond with her a Schedule

14:15

in her specific time. Let her

14:17

know that she's wanted, but you

14:19

decide when it happens Give

14:22

her more responsibilities include her in plans

14:24

and ask her to contribute make her

14:26

feel wanted and loved ask

14:29

her to go to therapy with you or Meet

14:31

mediations or the clean gym

14:34

positive reinforcement. Tell her what

14:36

you like when she does it Okay,

14:38

I mean I get it right like some of

14:40

these are really bad ideas But

14:43

one of them might be helpful and if nothing

14:45

else you won't be correct doing the same thing

14:48

all the time and feeling crappy About the situation

14:50

you'd be learning something with each experiment

14:53

Okay, number seven Take

14:55

actions just pick one to act

14:57

on stop overthinking like actually So

14:59

most people are afraid that they might have picked

15:02

the wrong solution or that perhaps there's a better

15:04

solution if they just think About the problem or

15:06

and this is usually not helpful thinking

15:09

It's usually better to act than to

15:11

do nothing at all now Sometimes the

15:13

attempts to fix a problem don't work.

15:16

You just love something. This is forward progress. This

15:18

is Iteration don't be a

15:20

perfectionist if you really want to

15:22

overcome decision process You

15:24

could try this right just rank the

15:27

possible solutions in order from best to worst

15:29

We're in each one on how likely is

15:31

this approach to work and then pick the

15:33

most reasonable plan Put the plan into action

15:35

if it doesn't work go to the next

15:37

best solution and try that one and then

15:39

just continue to try Until

15:41

you solve the problem Okay

15:44

So there's my approach to working through problems. This

15:46

is how I solve problems as a

15:48

therapist I help people get really clear

15:50

on the problem. We visualize what they

15:53

do want We work through mental blocks.

15:55

We get support. We see every problem

15:57

as an opportunity to learn we

15:59

get creative And we just try stuff.

16:01

We just try one thing at a time and

16:03

we learn from each experiment. So

16:06

often with anxiety, anxiety isn't the problem.

16:08

When we shift our attention away from

16:10

our hyper focus on our feelings and

16:13

instead we focus on working toward the

16:15

life we dream of, we can solve

16:17

problems and actually resolve the root of

16:20

anxiety. Okay, I hope this

16:22

is helpful. In the next video, we'll talk

16:24

about how to face our fears using

16:26

exposure therapy. I hope you enjoyed

16:28

this episode and found something you can add

16:31

to your daily routine that makes your life

16:33

just a little bit better. If you want

16:35

to learn more about topics like how to

16:37

process tough emotions, how to change your brain,

16:40

how to build better relationships, or support someone

16:42

you know with a mental illness, then check

16:44

out my classes at therapyinanutshell.com. And

16:47

if you feel like these podcasts have been

16:49

a benefit to you, please leave a rating

16:51

so others can more easily find this content.

16:53

Thank you so much and have a great

16:55

day.