0:00

Hi. And welcome to the Therapy in

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a nutshell Podcast: I'm Anna Mcadam, a

0:04

licensed marriage and Family therapist and it's

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my mission to create easy to understand

0:08

educational content, but therapeutic skills and topics

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that anyone can use in their daily

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life Stay tuned to the into the

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to. Learn more about my mental health

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courses, discounts and other news related to

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therapy in a natural. Hope you enjoy

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the episode. Each podcast episode

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comes from a corresponding video you

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can find on the therapy in

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a nutshell youtube channel. Also, these

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podcasts are educational and don't replace

0:33

the. Advice: Or direction you may

0:35

be receiving from a therapist or

0:37

other health professional. All, let's jump

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in. Imagine this: You

0:41

are wired to an electric shock

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device and which one would make

0:45

you more anxious? You get told

0:47

that there is a fifty percent

0:49

chance. Of getting shocked. Or.

0:51

You get told that you're gonna get shocked no matter

0:54

what. Researchers. Found

0:56

that participants felt. Far more anxious

0:58

if they were told that there was a fifty percent

1:00

chance of getting shocked. Then the participants who were

1:02

told that that there was a one hundred. Percent chance

1:04

of getting shot. Our. Brains

1:06

hate uncertainty more than physical

1:08

pain. so what's up with

1:10

that when we aren't certain

1:12

what will happen or nervous

1:14

system perceives that uncertainty as

1:16

a potential threat. That. We

1:19

could maybe do something about. So

1:21

it's like oh, something bad might

1:23

happen. So he kicks on this

1:25

activated state, trying to spur us

1:28

into some action to prevent bad

1:30

things from her, and this feels

1:32

like uncomfortable anxiety. Sensations.

1:34

Now. Most of us feel really uncomfortable

1:36

with uncertainty so for example, how a

1:39

you feel in these situations. Will.

1:41

This relationship work out. Or.

1:44

Should I leave before I get hurt? This.

1:46

World filled out of control Should I

1:48

bother with a college. Degree Should

1:50

I invest money in the stock

1:53

market? Should. I buy a house.

1:55

Or. How bout this? Should I apply for that job?

1:58

If I might not, be qualified and i get

2:00

rejected. Now just

2:02

like those real people in the

2:04

research study, because uncertainty is

2:06

so anxiety provoking, a lot of

2:08

people would rather have pain than

2:11

uncertainty. So they

2:13

break up with their girlfriend or

2:15

they quit college or they don't

2:17

apply for the job because

2:19

that feels safer than

2:22

the uncertainty does. Now most people

2:24

don't like uncertainty but the people who can't

2:27

tolerate uncertainty the most are

2:29

more likely to experience anxiety or

2:31

depressive disorders. They're more likely to

2:33

struggle in relationships and not

2:36

reach their potential in work or school.

2:38

But here's the thing, it's not actually

2:40

uncertainty that's the problem, it's our attempts

2:43

to avoid uncertainty that usually interfere with

2:45

our lives. We love certainty

2:47

to such an extreme degree

2:50

that we often self-sabotage instead

2:52

of tolerating the uncertainty. We

2:54

would rather fail than risk

2:57

success because risking success comes

2:59

with uncomfortable feelings of

3:02

anxiety. So we quit a

3:04

sport if we're not sure if we'll be good at it or

3:06

you never ask her out because you're uncertain if she'll

3:08

say yes or you break up with him

3:10

before he breaks up with you. If

3:12

we're afraid of being fired we quit

3:15

or we don't give our best efforts so we

3:17

don't feel invested and then

3:19

we can just tell ourselves oh well you know I

3:21

never really liked that job anyway. We

3:24

never really commit in an attempt to

3:26

protect ourselves from feeling hurt later. But

3:30

by never committing we remove

3:32

the uncertainty of success and

3:35

we guarantee the certainty of failure.

3:38

Our nervous system prefers a

3:40

familiar hell over an unfamiliar

3:42

heaven and we are all

3:44

experts at doing mental gymnastics

3:46

to try and prevent

3:48

disappointment and uncertainty. So have

3:50

you ever said anything like this? You

3:52

know I'd rather expect the worst and

3:55

have something good happen than expect

3:57

the best or hope for the best.

4:00

and be disappointed. This

4:02

is an attempt to control

4:04

uncertainty. But it also

4:07

shuts down our options. If we expect the

4:09

worst, we will miss out on a lot

4:11

of opportunities, like asking that girl

4:13

out, or putting our whole heart into a

4:15

tryout, or giving our all

4:18

in a relationship or in our job. And

4:21

there's like a bunch of other mental

4:23

backbends we do. If

4:25

the future is uncertain, we might

4:27

worry and overthink in an attempt

4:29

to control the outcome. We

4:32

ruminate and run through all the

4:34

possible scenarios trying to force certainty

4:36

onto an uncertain world. We're

4:39

trying to control and suppress

4:41

our emotions of sadness or

4:44

regret by endlessly thinking

4:46

through scenarios. And

4:49

we worry and worry and procrastinate

4:51

so much that we fill

4:53

our present with anxiety. And if

4:55

we never commit to an uncertain

4:57

course, we eventually sabotage

4:59

our future too. So let's talk about

5:02

other forms of self-sabotaging, uncertainty avoiding things

5:04

that we do. So the

5:06

first one, reassurance seeking, micromanaging,

5:11

over-checking, procrastinating.

5:14

Procrastinating is an attempt to wait to make a decision until

5:16

you have all the facts or you have all the control

5:18

that you need. It's

5:20

like saying, oh, I'm not going to try until I

5:22

know for sure that

5:24

there's going to be a payout. So these

5:27

are all like a bunch of weird mental strategies

5:29

we use to avoid uncertainty. But

5:32

the thing is, uncertainty was never the

5:34

problem. It's all the stuff that we do to

5:37

try to make uncertainty go away. That's

5:40

what makes us sick. So just

5:42

go ahead and comment below, what are some of

5:44

the things that you do to avoid

5:46

uncertainty? And what have you missed out

5:49

on in an attempt to kind of

5:51

protect yourself from being hurt? Now, the

5:53

cool thing is, you can develop the

5:55

skill of accepting uncertainty, of

5:58

creating space for it in your life so that you can be hurt. you

6:00

stop self-sabotaging. And this,

6:02

like when we stop doing all

6:04

these mental backbends to avoid uncertainty,

6:07

it actually can decrease your depression

6:09

and anxiety and lead to

6:11

you taking risks that actually lead to

6:13

more success. So how do we

6:16

do it? On a practical level, how do

6:18

we get better at handling uncertainty? You

6:21

can create internal

6:23

certainty around uncertainty

6:26

by number one, like just

6:28

being honest. Life is

6:30

uncertain and you are certain

6:33

there's nothing you can do about that. Uncertainty

6:35

is part of living a quality life.

6:38

Uncertainty is part of loving, caring,

6:41

striving, competing, trying,

6:44

it's an essential part of the best

6:46

sports or the most exciting games. Uncertainty

6:48

is essential to creativity,

6:51

to relationships, to productivity. Not

6:54

to mention the best hobbies like

6:56

rock climbing and gardening and

6:59

I say that because I'm never certain if what I

7:01

plant is gonna grow. So

7:04

stop resisting reality and stop trying

7:06

to force your feelings to go

7:08

away and instead let's create room

7:11

to hold those feelings while we strive

7:14

for the life that we dream

7:16

of. I recently read an example

7:18

of this in the New York Times. So this woman

7:20

said, a close friend's daughter

7:22

was getting married during the pandemic. We

7:25

can't invite our friends to the wedding in

7:27

order to keep it small and safe, my pal

7:29

told me. But she did

7:31

invite friends I learned from a Facebook

7:34

post, just not me. Feeling

7:36

humiliated, I initially kept quiet

7:39

but being together grew awkward and I sensed

7:41

a growing distance. And when

7:43

I tried to discuss the widening rift,

7:46

she called a pause in our relations by

7:48

text and stopped reaching out for a year. My

7:52

first thought was to consider the friendship

7:54

ended. Something in her

7:56

tone felt so final, like a

7:58

breakup, case closed. But after

8:00

a time, I asked myself if I really knew

8:02

what had happened and what she'd

8:04

meant by excluding me. Perhaps

8:06

there was more to the story. Despite

8:09

my hurt, I tried to keep the problem

8:11

and my own mind open. I

8:13

discovered what Rebecca Solnit calls the

8:16

spaciousness of uncertainty, a

8:18

realm of possibility. When

8:21

at last my friend broke her silence

8:23

by text, I was ready to

8:25

reconnect and move forward, even if I couldn't get

8:27

an answer to all of my questions. Seeing

8:30

her rejection with unsureness gave

8:32

me perspective and courage not

8:34

to shun her in turn.

8:37

In our craving for certainty, we

8:40

often cut off the things we actually care

8:42

about. It would have been easier for this woman

8:44

mentally to just break up with her

8:46

friend than to hold that space for

8:48

uncertainty. But she would have

8:50

lost that friendship forever. In order

8:52

to live a happy life, we have to

8:54

stop trying to create a sense of

8:56

safety that demands on controlling

8:59

outside circumstances or controlling them

9:01

mentally, cutting ourselves off from

9:03

them. And instead, we need

9:06

to do step two, which is strengthen

9:08

our internal sense of safety. So

9:11

if uncertainty is perceived

9:13

danger, the antidote

9:15

is internal safety. Remind

9:18

yourself that you can handle having feelings. You

9:20

get really good at having feelings. So

9:22

instead of putting all your energy into

9:25

resisting uncertainty, put your energy into building

9:27

internal resilience. So let's say,

9:29

for example, if you're uncertain about an upcoming trip, if

9:31

you're anxious about it, if you're worried that it's

9:33

going to be a stressful disaster, after

9:36

a reasonable amount of planning, stop

9:39

trying to predict everything, stop trying to

9:41

control everything to make sure that it goes

9:43

perfectly. Instead you could

9:46

foster internal beliefs like, oh, even if things

9:48

don't go perfectly, I can get through it.

9:51

It's only a couple of days. It might be

9:53

uncomfortable, but it won't be the end of the world. And

9:55

these internal beliefs build up your sense of safety,

9:58

and that's going to keep you from just... endlessly

10:00

trying to control and predict everything,

10:02

to build up your sense of

10:04

safety. Adopt a mindset that like,

10:06

oh trying new things and doing stuff that's

10:08

hard and taking risks is good for you. So

10:11

what you're doing is you're creating emotional

10:13

space to feel uncertain.

10:16

And another word for this is

10:19

willingness. Like I'm willing to feel

10:21

uncertain about this relationship in

10:23

order to see where it will go. I'm

10:25

willing to feel unsure about whether YouTube

10:27

will like my video. But

10:29

I'll make it anyway. This is a

10:32

skill you can develop with practice.

10:34

Your ability to tolerate uncertainty without

10:36

self-sabotaging is a muscle that

10:39

you can develop. You strengthen it

10:41

through practice. So do things

10:43

that make you feel uncertain. Order something

10:45

new at a restaurant or go to a

10:47

completely unknown restaurant. You can

10:49

practice tolerating uncertainty by trying a

10:52

new class, or traveling somewhere you've

10:54

never been before, or delegating a

10:56

task to others without micromanaging them.

10:59

You could try an activity that you've been avoiding like

11:01

karaoke or dancing or improv.

11:04

You could talk to someone you don't know or go hang out with

11:06

a group of people you don't know. Wear

11:09

a type of clothing that you don't normally wear. And

11:12

as you do these things, don't

11:14

focus on the emotion because you're probably

11:16

gonna feel some discomfort. Focus

11:19

instead on the experience. Did you

11:21

learn something new? What did

11:23

this experiment do for your confidence? Right?

11:26

Like what did you learn from this? Did

11:28

you strengthen your sense of self?

11:31

With all forms of exposure therapy, gradual

11:33

repetition is the key to real success.

11:36

So just keep putting yourself in uncertain

11:38

situations over and over

11:40

and practice, like

11:42

creating more emotional space to

11:45

handle that anxiety instead of trying

11:47

to control and manage and predict

11:49

and cut yourself off from failure.

11:51

And the more you do this, the Better

11:54

you'll get at it. Like That emotional

11:56

muscle will get stronger. You are worth

11:58

investing time and energy. in building up

12:01

your capacity to handle tough stuff. And

12:03

if you'd like to work with a therapist, The build up.

12:05

Those. Skills at facing uncertainty. I'm

12:08

may I recommend better health. Are.

12:10

Better help them all And therapy. Providers. They'll

12:13

connect you with a licensed professional

12:15

therapist from. The. Comfort of your own home

12:17

or you can meet with them on your

12:19

phone or under computers. And Dell hope

12:21

you find healthier. Ways to manage all

12:24

the bid uncertainties The conflict. So.

12:26

For ten percent off your first note, check out the

12:29

link in the description. Step

12:32

three: Stop ruminating and take

12:34

some dang action. Our brains

12:36

are so big they are best

12:38

defense mechanism but they do in

12:40

the way when we constantly analyze.

12:43

And over things and ruminate

12:45

over every problem or every

12:48

possible situation. So. If

12:50

you're not sure. About your future in job

12:52

market. Handle That inches

12:54

energy into taking some classes

12:56

or getting certified in something

12:58

new. channel the emotionally activated

13:00

energy of anxiety toward movement.

13:03

See take. Some action, you create some

13:05

new opportunities and and I'm not saying

13:07

like frantically run amok and say like

13:09

intentionally say i feel nervous or my

13:11

prospects of this job Okay, I'm a

13:13

lab mix a new network connections. I'm

13:15

in a. You. Know build ups, new

13:17

skills, get some the certificates. If. You

13:19

want to be happy, You have to be willing to. Invest

13:22

in life you have to be willing to

13:24

commit. Even. When you're not certain.

13:27

Life. Is uncertain you can

13:29

choose to struggle against that

13:32

the and self sabotage. In

13:34

order to create a sense of

13:36

certainty. Or. You can go

13:38

out and plant the tree. Even. If you won't,

13:40

be there to watch it grow up. You're.

13:42

Still making the world a better place. So.

13:46

I'm on a practical level. What Do we

13:48

do? Have It can be really helpful

13:50

to write these things down. Even start with the Locus

13:52

of Control exercise which I talk about all the time

13:54

You that you take a piece of paper's you draw

13:57

a line on the middle. He devoted to two sides.

13:59

what can't I. Troll, what can I control and

14:01

then the as use What am I really care

14:03

about. What? Good can I do?

14:05

How can I educate myself and you

14:07

just spend less time on the things

14:09

you can't control and. More energy on

14:11

the things. You. Can control.

14:14

Arm out. Also see like watch less

14:16

media about things that are far from

14:19

you. When. You get caught up in

14:21

the things that you can't control. To.

14:23

To write them down and then a redirect

14:25

your attention to what you can control. And

14:28

then take some dating each and. Now.

14:30

This is a skill. you can get good at it.

14:34

As you build your capacity to handle

14:36

uncertainty. You're going to make better

14:38

choices that lead to better outcomes. You'll.

14:40

Stop blowing up relationships, You'll

14:43

stop self sabotaging the you'll

14:45

be more willing to take

14:47

risks with rewards. And in

14:49

the long run, you'll be healthier and

14:51

happier. K If you'd like to learn

14:53

more skills for or working through big.

14:55

Uncomfortable most? Is that a healthy way

14:58

ticket? My online course how to process

15:00

emotions. Believed. His the script

15:02

and blow take. Thank you for

15:04

watching and ticker. I hope

15:06

you enjoyed this episode and found something you can add

15:08

to your daily routine that makes your legs just a

15:10

little bit. Better if you want to learn more

15:13

about topics like how to process of emotions.

15:15

How to change your brain A bill?

15:17

Better relationships or support someone you know

15:19

with a mental illness. Since I got.

15:21

My classes at Therapy in a

15:23

nutshell.com. And if you feel like

15:26

these podcasts have been a benefit to use,

15:28

please Liberating! So. Others can more easily

15:30

find this continent. Thank you so much

15:32

and have. A great day.