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you're not always at home. You

1:00

have an Airbnb. Your

1:02

home might be worth more than you think. Find

1:05

out how much at

1:07

airbnb.com/ host. Wow,

1:13

wow, wow. I just

1:15

listened to what you're about to

1:17

listen to, which was a stage read,

1:19

a table read on

1:21

steroids in Hollywood in, I

1:24

guess, 2015. I'm

1:26

trying to remember what part of the year it

1:28

happened. It doesn't matter. This was truly

1:31

like the zenith. I

1:34

think apart from doing the YouTube

1:36

pilot, getting that green light and made. This

1:39

was the coolest thing that I think has happened

1:41

in the 10 years of us doing the podcast.

1:44

An incredible cast reading

1:46

an insane script that

1:48

we have made from memory of

1:51

the film. Guy and I, I remember

1:53

at the time, we were just trying

1:55

to like kind of keep our cool with it because

1:57

I think it would have been. quite

2:00

an easy situation to work out in a

2:02

little bit. Like we just started this really

2:04

stupid idea podcast, you

2:06

know, a year ago, and then

2:08

suddenly we were in Los Angeles and had all

2:11

these superstar comedians reading our

2:13

script to a sold out audience. It

2:15

was a good time, folks. It was

2:17

a good fucking time.

2:21

It was so much fun. My one regret that

2:23

it wasn't videoed somehow, but that was less common

2:25

back in the day. Our phones,

2:27

they were shitder. They

2:29

flipped, but not in the way like they do now, in

2:32

a way where it was just a telephone made

2:34

by Motorola that had a satisfying snap

2:37

on it. But

2:39

yeah, this was so cool.

2:42

No words. Just enjoy. No

2:45

warnings. I don't think it needed. It's

2:48

a long one. Apologies that it's coming

2:50

out a little bit later than the rest of the season,

2:52

but hey, I got

2:54

a one month old. Sue me. Enjoy

2:57

this. The cherry on

2:59

top of season one. No! No!

3:02

No! No! No! No! No!

3:05

No! No! No! No!

3:07

No! No! No! No! No!

3:10

No! No! No! No! No!

3:12

No! Ladies and gentlemen, Michael

3:15

McMillan! No! No! No!

3:19

Busy Phillips! No! Jason

3:22

Rutter! No! Baron

3:25

Boy! Marry

3:27

Linkey! spoken

3:30

on the performance

3:54

This is actually a night for you If you need to

3:56

go to the bathroom at any point during this script, just

3:58

tag someone in with one of your characters. What we're

4:02

going to do right now folks

4:04

is establish who will

4:06

be reading for what part. So Hal, do you

4:08

want to, would you mind kicking off? We're

4:11

going to go from left to right. Hello. I'll

4:14

be reading the roles of Kethi, Officer

4:17

Flizzoo, OJ,

4:21

Charlotte and Kyle. Good

4:29

evening. I'll be playing the parts of

4:31

Higgins, Wylie, Chilled

4:34

Out Teacher, Adam

4:37

Sandler's wife and

4:40

Grumpy Nurse. Good

4:43

evening. Tonight

4:47

I shall be giving my Sally, Bully,

4:51

Lady on Phone and

4:53

of course Becky. Hello

4:58

I'm Michael and tonight I shall be

5:00

playing the parts of Greg, Kid

5:03

Dynamite, Principal

5:05

Tardio, Officer

5:07

Dante, Dante and YouTube

5:12

Sensation. Hello

5:18

I'm Arden. Thank you.

5:21

Tonight I will be Donna, Sherry,

5:26

Nick Schwurdzen and

5:31

Blonde Threat Guy, Ladies. Hey

5:38

I'm Kate and today I'm

5:41

going to be DeAnn and the

5:44

Ballet Teacher and Gretzky and Taylor.

5:48

Do I have been told a Taylor a lot? No, I

5:50

don't know. Sweet. Hello

5:53

I'm Melanie. I teach you. I'm

5:59

going to. attempt and I

6:01

apologize in advance Roxanne. I

6:05

am also reading mom Malcolm and

6:07

Patty Schwartz. I'm

6:17

Baron Vaughn hello

6:20

I'm playing Kurt the Chris Rock Roll type

6:26

casting Tommy

6:30

Cavanaugh Bean Dickey

6:34

and John Lovett everything's

6:43

fine my name is Jason Ritter I'm

6:46

playing Eric Andre that's Eric

6:49

and Andre not Eric Andre

6:51

and Postman and

6:53

Dr. Dougan I'm

6:59

busy Phillips I'm

7:03

playing Lenny and

7:06

Braden and

7:08

beefcake thank

7:15

you all and ladies and gentlemen let us

7:17

begin sweeping

7:20

shot over a tree line suburbia

7:24

we're in Stanton Connecticut but it could be

7:26

anywhere in the USA interior

7:28

shot of a master bedroom morning

7:30

Lenny Fader Adam Sandler and Roxanne

7:32

Fader Salma Hayek are asleep in

7:35

a huge bed surrounded by art

7:37

and well-placed cans of Pepsi Lenny

7:40

is awoken by a big deer nibbling at

7:42

a bowl of chips on the bedside table

7:45

Lenny tries to wake Roxanne Your

8:06

mother is here from Mexico

8:09

and she needs to leave

8:11

now. Lenny,

8:14

go back to sleep. Go

8:20

to the window and open it

8:22

as wide as you can. Why

8:25

don't you open it, you lazy? Roxanne

8:27

is interrupted by the

8:30

deer rearing up on its hind legs and

8:32

urinating directly into Lenny's open mouth. No

8:39

time for that as the deer careens out of

8:41

the bedroom into the hallway, racing past

8:43

Becky, female, aged nine and three quarters.

8:47

The deer continues. Now

8:52

running past Kefi, male, early teens and

8:54

enthusiastic young fella. No way, can I

8:56

write it? The answer is no as

8:59

the deer crashes into the bathroom door.

9:02

In the bathroom it disrupts Greg, male, mid

9:05

teens who is in the shower presumably masturbating.

9:09

The arrival of a deer breaks his spell. Roxanne

9:14

has chased

9:17

the deer down the hallway and sees her

9:19

own teenage son with a full-grown stiffy in

9:21

the shower. The

9:25

deer turns, charging back past Roxanne toward

9:27

the staircase. Lenny and Kefi throw laundry

9:29

at it, freezing the great ungulate. The

9:31

deer shakes off all the clothes,

9:34

save for a racy pink brown, one of the

9:36

taintlers. I left the front

9:38

door open in case any animals wanted to

9:40

come in and one did. Yeah,

9:45

one crazy ass one. No,

9:48

no, no, you did a nice thing sweetie. Greg,

9:51

I'm gonna need a bat. Daddy,

9:53

no. I'm

9:55

not gonna hit the deer. I'm

9:58

just gonna massage Its head with it. the with

10:00

it a little bit. Goodyear

10:02

runs into the kitchen staring off the

10:04

family dog for an an odious. printing

10:06

around a house at is causing suspiciously

10:09

little damage. Or

10:11

the a sauce for inflict by a

10:14

plush read: Monkey Bt of clutching. Move.

10:17

The doll towards. Me: To

10:19

get back to you. Now. Back

10:22

to me. Give. Me That

10:24

thing Mister Doodles Worth it. So

10:26

sweetie Roxanne, take the kids under

10:28

the other room. Hey. Dude

10:30

the like this guy not walk

10:33

with me. And know

10:35

I said soooo.

10:40

Revered site is leaning out the front door.

10:42

He hails the mikey onto the lawn of

10:45

the day of followers are a ton. postman

10:47

standing out front narrowly lips the safety throwing

10:49

mile haphazardly of yes the did see some

10:52

might stick with. Worth it is as massacre.

10:55

Solve. The

11:06

problem. Is

11:11

that your promises Vader The

11:13

Postman looks for a high

11:15

five from Leaning too. Easy

11:18

Lady looks at Roxanne. He concedes

11:20

his wife was a sexual object

11:22

for the enjoyment of postman everywhere.

11:27

It is pretty nice though Some

11:29

in high five an appalling why

11:31

to and an opening scene and

11:33

open a movie. And

11:42

Syria Living Room morning Sally Lemon Sof

11:45

Maria Bello is helping her son. Been

11:47

Lemon saw male aged nine with his

11:49

math homework. silly health of a card

11:51

with a math problem on it. Five.

11:54

Times Seven. That's

11:57

right again, Smarty Pants Beer. The

12:00

wrong. Eric

12:03

Layman sauce Cuban. James was to the kids

12:05

in with a cup of coffee and few

12:07

bucks to get. Say

12:10

been working on the matter. With

12:16

the hotel been what? Seven

12:18

times? nine? As

12:22

you little boy or a computer to

12:24

like as a you're down don't destroy

12:26

his confidence. Donna. T Female: what's

12:28

is wearing ridiculous shoes with bubbles and

12:30

blessing leads L E this on them.

12:36

Is are you want to go with those boots on?

12:38

A I know you be dazzled them yourself. I'm just

12:40

worried they might do it. Too much attention, you know

12:42

from outer space. I.

12:58

Build my confidence right here with our to

13:00

D to. Are

13:09

not going to have to pay for college

13:11

or freezer and sits in morning. Kid Mckinsey

13:13

Chris Rock was into the kids and to

13:15

see his wife the and Maya Rudolph. Teen.

13:18

Daughter Charlotte seen some kids and

13:20

youngest son running here upon non

13:22

as to Dynamite. Think

13:25

of Richard Pryor. I'd stick. Dynamite

13:29

is sucking his but with everyone

13:31

watching it but themed amusement. Go

13:35

Ross Garage! Go! Like

13:38

nickname a nice guy and his sake her

13:41

butt implants back into place. He

13:44

got a busy day, honey. not. As

13:46

one repair job him special. whoa look like

13:48

a horse took a dump and running diapers.

13:50

You're gonna need federal aid a clean that

13:52

up you to change them. And

13:55

that's not my son. that's your

13:57

son know? Ah, yesterday. Was my diaper

13:59

day to day. He's all yours and is

14:01

gonna get mass. The. Ronnie

14:03

honey didn't do to grenade go off and

14:06

your diaper. The it reaches ahead

14:08

and a kid dynamite diaper a bold

14:10

upwards the human feces. Within

14:15

it she finds a box with the often

14:18

serve real cool jewelry. I met.

14:20

Happy Twenty fifth Anniversary! Be. Wow.

14:24

That you remembered

14:26

Mom didn't Oh

14:28

that's go. To

14:35

Syria train station Morning Higgins David Spade

14:37

as standing on the platform talking on

14:39

the phone in a holding it city

14:41

beer. Brittany. To spend

14:43

at least one summer with use of

14:45

the Middle East Asia has a dad

14:47

Deadbeat Higgins. Okay, no offense, but I'm

14:49

not even zero. I'm starting to. I

14:57

was visiting from Florida when in the. Middle of making

15:00

out I got a really bad taste of the has a. Hiccup.

15:03

Smokey? No way I have a

15:05

theater I don't know about with

15:07

this. It's muggy, Say. No

15:09

offense, but I'm gonna need to see a

15:11

dna test or something. So frightened, Higgins appears.

15:15

He the like seen my own drinks

15:17

like his bed with identical here in

15:19

a butt load of crudely drawn said

15:22

Susan Boyle points plays this boy be

15:24

a Warlock last no need later hiccups

15:26

right and produces a drawing of a

15:29

stick figure wearing a hat. The stickers

15:31

libel the stick figures labeled him. Durham.

15:36

Yeah, Sep without the had.

15:38

Taken. Reaches out his hands with some

15:40

the tibia. I got you this.

15:43

if you want it. but obviously you're

15:45

like seventeen. Bright.

15:47

And pulls out a flip knife and cuts the heat

15:49

off the Tv been. So

15:52

obviously you secret that had offered with

15:54

a nice anyway we gotta get you

15:56

off to school buddies. Know

15:58

school Summertime. Yeah,

16:02

I know it's a drag, usually I just let

16:04

you know, let you blow it off a play

16:07

hooky but I promise I'd still in the soup

16:09

kitchen. But. We'll hang

16:11

out afterwards. It'll be fun believe it or

16:13

not as into the same. Had

16:17

serious why blame one of the played a

16:20

major morning Roxane was a take sides this

16:22

is a while many walk next to be

16:24

carrying a shoe boxes for to see. What

16:28

is it? again? Know

16:30

it's the giggles worth massacre

16:32

at. The

16:39

pieces. That's why I've been thinking

16:42

we have more quality time with. That's.

16:49

How you feel about

16:51

expanding. Having another.

16:55

Oh but it perfect

16:57

right now when you

16:59

saw I get four

17:01

slices. Great This slices

17:03

to. Do what?

17:27

You said border gore? Do it. Without

17:31

it. Ah,

17:36

it's the first time I haven't had a

17:38

job since I was sixteen and just. And

17:43

don't forget about Betty's ballet

17:46

recital. Gonna that? I mean

17:48

get. To go to. Saying

17:50

ah thought it was sold out.

17:52

That's good news for a drive towards.

17:55

this is. For

17:57

will buy the front gates. and bus towers got some

17:59

real I want it. She is hooning it out

18:01

the gate. It's pretty dangerous to be honest. Have

18:05

the best last damn school ever, my wonderful

18:07

children. I love you all. Becky

18:11

rides her bike in circles while Keci and Greg just

18:13

hang out like a couple of lads. Greg

18:16

might be stoned. We'll make that decision on the day.

18:22

So Greg, last day of school,

18:24

last chance to ask out Nancy

18:27

Arbuckle. Nancy Arbuckle? Who's that? You

18:29

like a girl? Is that why

18:32

you've been taking those long showers?

18:35

Just conditioning my hair. That's all I

18:37

do in the showers. That's

18:40

not what the deer told me.

18:43

That deer is a liar! I

18:48

heard too much conditioning can make you go blind.

18:52

Where'd you hear that? Hanging,

18:54

why you can't hear? Besides,

19:00

I'm sure she can even talk to her. Hey,

19:03

you're a feeder. Feeders ain't

19:05

afraid of women, buddy. That's not the way I'm

19:07

raising ya. Hey, Dad,

19:10

did you ask Mom if I can go to football practice? No,

19:13

I was afraid she'd yell at me in

19:15

that accent. No one understands. It

19:20

should be noted that that accent is simply her

19:22

native Spanish. Besides,

19:33

Nancy Arbuckle's the hottest girl in school, and

19:36

Greg is fugly. So

19:39

what is fugly? All the guys

19:41

in our family are fugly. That doesn't

19:43

stop us from getting the hot chips.

19:47

I mean, look at me and your mother.

19:49

It makes no sense. Only

19:51

in like, a Hollywood movie.

19:55

Singletons listen up because Adam Sandler knows

19:58

how it goes. All

20:01

you gotta do is follow my

20:03

three step program. One,

20:07

make her smile. Two,

20:10

tell her she has a

20:12

nice smile. Three, say

20:14

she has to go out with you that night. Why

20:18

that night? Cause it'll give our friends less

20:20

time to tell her how fugly you are

20:22

because you are fugly. That's

20:25

the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

20:27

Everyone's favorite idiot, Bean, comes cycling

20:30

into frame. Come

20:32

on Becky, it's 8.15, school starts at 8.30.

20:34

That means we only have 25 minutes. Daddy,

20:38

do you promise Mr. Gigglesworth will be

20:40

better by bedtime? I promise.

20:42

Have a safe ride to school,

20:44

I love you. And you read

20:46

the road signs, don't let Bean.

20:49

Becky and Bean write off, probably

20:51

into respective Disney projects. Ah,

20:56

look at that, right in there bites the

20:58

school. You couldn't

21:00

do that in LA with all the nuts out

21:02

there. Yeah, thank God

21:04

we don't have any crazy people

21:06

out here. Cue a dramatic entrance

21:08

by Nick fucking Swartzek. A

21:13

school bus screeches into frame before

21:15

breaking heavily, the doors swing open.

21:18

Hey Dick, how's

21:20

it going? You look a little rougher

21:22

than usual. My

21:24

wife's leaving me. After

21:27

three weeks. Three

21:30

weeks? That's not bad for you.

21:34

Yeah, she caught me eating

21:37

a banana with my butt. Still,

21:43

I shouldn't have done it

21:45

at her mom's house. I've

21:53

never seen this movie. But

21:58

I did audition for it. What

22:02

is up with

22:04

you? You

22:15

seem a little extra out of it today.

22:18

I met a very reliable doctor

22:20

at a Cybertil concert and

22:23

he floated me a couple of pills

22:25

just to feel better but I

22:27

don't feel better. Go for the

22:29

worst. Exterior

22:32

shot front of the Mackenzie household.

22:34

It's morning. The Mackenzie family is

22:37

standing out front waiting for the school bus which

22:39

appears with Lenny at the wheel. Ladies

22:41

and gentlemen, meet your

22:44

new bus driver. Lenny

22:46

mimes playing a clarinet like a

22:48

fucking idiot. So

22:54

you finally got yourself a job. I'm

22:57

just filling in for droolio

23:00

inglacious in the back. Nick

23:03

is comatose and high schoolers are shoving

23:05

Cheetos up his nose. It's pretty classic

23:07

stuff. Idi'n,

23:11

happy anniversary. Lenny

23:14

remembered and I never got him pregnant.

23:16

Isn't that sweet? Kurt

23:18

steps into the school bus for a

23:20

confidential chat with Lenny. Oh she forgot.

23:22

I got the biggest get out of

23:24

jail free card ever. I

23:26

want one of those. Oh

23:29

you ain't never going to get one like this. Hey

23:31

sweetie don't worry about forgetting the 20th. I'm sure

23:33

you'll remember the 30th. I

23:35

love you. Yeah. I'm sure

23:38

you do. Deep

23:40

down. The

23:43

bus door is closed leaving Deann and Kid

23:45

Dynamite out on the front stoop. Kid Dynamite

23:47

is jiggling his nappy which is filling up

23:49

with fecal matter. That's

23:52

not another necklace in there is it? Ha ba da

23:54

ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Ha

23:57

ha ha ha ha ha. Not a thing.

24:01

A serious shot, school bus, morning, Lenny

24:03

and Kurt up at the front of the

24:05

bus, gas begging like a couple

24:07

of high school teens. I'm telling you, I'm going to

24:09

abuse the hell out of this get out of jail

24:11

free card. Maybe I'll walk on the good rug without

24:13

taking off my boots. Or maybe

24:15

I'll have a nice diet soda with

24:17

dinner, and not just one either, the

24:20

whole damn picture. So you're going full

24:22

gangster. But do you know what I'd

24:24

really like to do? Throw a first

24:26

night of summer party, you know? Something

24:28

a little crazy. It's been many,

24:31

many years since we did something

24:33

that crazy. There's

24:36

only one problem though. My house

24:38

isn't big enough, but yours is.

24:41

The last party I threw was senior year

24:43

in high school. And it was the best.

24:45

We all hooked up with chicks. Now

24:49

we all got wives, and

24:51

kids, and high cholesterol.

24:54

Look, if you and Dee want to

24:56

come over for drinks, that's fine. And I think

24:59

I have to ask my wife first. The

25:01

bus is now bristling with teenagers doing

25:04

teenage things. Near the back

25:06

is a big boy with flowing blonde hair, and

25:08

he's bullying Donna. Hey, nice shoes.

25:11

What'd you get them? Losers or us? Hey,

25:14

fuck you. I

25:17

made them. You

25:20

made them in a toilet? Boom.

25:25

Hey, leave her alone. The

25:27

bully, being a bully, takes the opportunity

25:29

to focus his bullying on K.C. The

25:32

following made the verse slightly from the actual movie dialogue.

25:36

What did you say? Hollywood? Leave

25:38

her alone. It isn't very nice to

25:40

be mean to people. Oh,

25:44

I never really thought about it like that. Really?

25:47

No, you little bitch. Of course I had.

25:49

I'm a bully. I am in this script

25:51

to bully people. You can't talk me out

25:53

of bullying in the opening act. It'll be

25:55

a disaster. To

25:58

Be honest, I've seen the rest of the script. And

26:00

it's not looking so shit out

26:02

anyway I can afford was. Lineages

26:07

not is T V have been

26:09

bullied that kid looks like why?

26:11

Precious. Grown

26:16

Men Doodle agencies expense report Recently saw

26:19

The Thread, Comedy Central Roast and Good

26:21

Poorly on the Bus. To

26:25

school every bean bag or.

26:28

Arms and legs business

26:30

take a seat or.

26:34

Before somebody gets hurt.

26:38

You lucky he says here but you

26:40

will be here all day. Tv Swanson

26:43

to say looking worried Exterior: the front

26:45

of a school modern. Physics.

26:47

Who the Boss currently have rigged mic up

26:49

in the driver's seat with suburbs they presumably

26:51

carry on the person at all time. The

26:56

Bully as the loss of the bus. Last

26:59

day of school rub ponds

27:01

all. The folks interpretable party earth

27:03

male fifty visit to Small said he

27:06

was over others He will suffer from

27:08

his car which has been vandalized. Added

27:11

for a spell correctly.

27:13

this can't be my

27:15

students. Principled

27:17

tardy. Oh and you believe

27:19

this last is cool And

27:21

my students in a animals.

27:24

Maybe. They're just mad because you

27:26

feel so bad. maybe? gap? Has

27:32

got a glass. A I was

27:34

your last ride in before the

27:37

summer nick to make unconscious but

27:39

sitting upright and the driver's seat

27:41

he strung up like a marionette.

27:43

Real weekend at Bernie's like. Now

27:46

remembered today is only half

27:48

a day and have was

27:50

right. Thing.

27:59

to say goodbye Nick jerks around

28:01

violently as Lenny and Kurt pull on the rope

28:03

system Principal Tardier has no time

28:05

to notice because he's being bullied by his students

28:08

Hey, that's my laptop! That's

28:10

not waterproof! Exterior,

28:13

Levy Suburban Street, morning. Lenny drives the

28:15

bus with Kurt and Toe. They're watching

28:17

Eric hug a strange lady Look

28:19

at this. It's ridiculous. It'll ruin

28:22

his marriage Will

28:24

you be stopping by to watch Days of Our Lives

28:26

later? Well, we've got to find out which

28:28

twin murdered Ronaldo, don't we? The

28:30

two laugh and nod. Okay, mommy. Bye

28:32

now. Eric walks down the front stoop

28:35

towards the school bus. Get

28:37

mommy, make the boo-boo go away! And don't

28:39

tell the wife! What's

28:41

with the bus? Get in! Eric boards the

28:43

bus. Kurt and Lenny have now suspended Nick

28:45

from the ceiling of the bus. His head

28:48

hangs dangerously close to the floor Hi,

28:51

Nick. Eric pulls a rope and Nick crashes

28:53

down with the impact of his entire body

28:55

onto his neck, surely killing

28:57

him Let's

29:03

hit it! Lenny accelerates wildly, I'll say.

29:05

That's alright. I mean, that's fine. After

29:09

saying, watch this, Lenny accelerates wildly,

29:11

sending Nick's lifeless body sliding down

29:13

the bus aisle. His head smacks

29:15

straight against the end wall. He's

29:17

definitely dead now. These

29:20

men have just straight up murdered a guy. Eric

29:23

and Lenny high five. Kurt looks horrified.

29:26

You gotta respect that. In

29:29

Syria, a high-end ladies clothing

29:31

store. Morning. Roxanne is

29:33

in her store talking with her

29:35

assistant. Business is dire. I'm

29:38

gonna be out of the store all day today, is that alright?

29:41

No problem. No one will come in anyway.

29:43

This is what I audition for. Three

29:47

times! Three times! More

29:51

and more brunettes got out of it. Didn't get the

29:53

part. I

29:56

better do a good job right now. Just

29:58

Leonard, every time. talk about

30:00

me? You're hired. Oh my god,

30:02

thank you! Thank you! I

30:05

can play movie on fuck-a-ball, easy! Okay, does

30:07

Leonard ever talk about me? Who

30:10

is Leonard? Oh, Lenny? He

30:12

used to be my boyfriend. This runtime and

30:15

recess, be sure to stick with chewing gum.

30:21

He gave me this note. I felt weird having a secret

30:23

with you. Okay, do

30:25

you prefer my hair in a barrette

30:27

or a headband? That's

30:30

what I wrote. Barrette.

30:32

And that was his response. Sherry

30:34

points to a 30-something year old barrette and his

30:36

30-something year old hair. I think

30:40

he still has feelings for me.

30:42

I'm gonna go work out now. You really think

30:45

that a tight-tongued body will keep him away from

30:47

his hubba-bubba baby? I hope

30:49

so. You guys, you didn't make

30:51

me the wrong guy, she did. Em,

30:54

Anterior, a rundown gym, late

30:57

morning. The ladies of the town are arriving

30:59

for a gym class. I

31:02

don't know what Lenny's problem is.

31:04

They're so cute when they're little.

31:07

Deann walks in with Kid Dynamite

31:09

on a leash. He is struggling

31:11

against the leash as you'd expect

31:14

any human being to do. Kid

31:17

Dynamite walks up to a Swiss ball and clean

31:19

pops it with his gnashes. You

31:22

think that's cute?

31:25

Don't you growl at me? Beefcake, female,

31:27

40, muscle-bound, entice.

31:29

Kids don't belong in here. That leash better

31:32

not trip me up. That

31:34

leash ain't gonna trip you up. It's your big

31:36

ass hurry, man. Who said I'm gonna trip you up?

31:40

Tough to side with Deann on that one. Beefcake

31:43

growls. He

31:47

was just joking around, sir. Cool

31:50

it, you're gonna get us killed. Beefcake

31:52

is justifiably upset. No

31:55

time for that though because enter John Lovitz. He's

32:02

pushing a janitor's mop-it bucket into a

32:04

fully carpeted gym. Good

32:09

morning, ladies. Your

32:20

instructor is running a little late, so

32:22

he told me to run some warm-up

32:24

exercises. But

32:28

it's only 5-2. Yeah,

32:31

yeah, so I need everybody on their feet.

32:34

Stand up. Now shimmy. Check

32:37

the shoulder. The woman complied,

32:39

but a befud as to why there must

32:42

jiggly bosoms in front of the janitor. Yeah,

32:44

nice. Now faster, a little faster. Okay,

32:46

not too fast. A little slower, a

32:48

little slower. Yeah, perfect.

32:52

I need everybody to turn around, face

32:54

the back of the room, and touch

32:56

your toes. And him standing with

32:58

his wife, 40, female, speaks up on behalf

33:00

of women everywhere. Why

33:03

do we have to turn? The

33:07

following line is delivered with the authority

33:09

of the King of God, Zeus himself.

33:11

Could you please now

33:13

bend over and take your left hand and

33:16

slap it against the left cheek. Good. I

33:18

want you to hear those slaps. Yes, wonderful,

33:20

wonderful. Either Jim

33:23

T. J. Kyle, Kate Hudson's brother.

33:27

Good morning, ladies. See you started without me.

33:30

Yes, like you asked me to. Say,

33:32

it's true even if it isn't. Eww.

33:35

That's so gross. You loved it.

33:38

You loved it! Kid

33:40

Dynamite bites John Lovett's on the ankle.

33:42

John Lovett screams in exits. You're all

33:44

prostitutes. All

33:50

right, good morning, ladies, and welcome to Squat

33:52

Fitness 101. I wish I

33:55

didn't have to call it that, but that's what they told me to

33:57

say. Now, before we get

33:59

started, for real... Any questions?

34:02

Are you single? Yes. Sally

34:05

has her hand up as though she has a question. I'm

34:09

sorry, I forgot. You're so gorgeous. I just... I

34:11

have a very important question, and it's a

34:13

two-parter. The first part is, did a scientist

34:16

make you in a lab? And the second

34:18

part is, can I stick my tongue down

34:20

your throat? Look,

34:24

most of you are married, and I happen to be

34:26

gay. The woman quickly turn on Kyle,

34:28

akin to the witch trials of old. They

34:33

throw homophobic slurs. Kid Dynamite ruffles

34:35

through Beefcake's Bag meanwhile, finding a

34:37

jockstrap and hold to the loft.

34:40

Why does she have this? That's

34:42

not a jockstrap, that's a G-string. The

34:45

ant rocks and laughs in a mean, spirited way.

34:50

Another scene in the can. Exterior.

34:57

Kmart storefront. Late morning. The

34:59

opening cause of werewolves of

35:01

London play. The grown-ups

35:03

walk through a Kmart infomercial. Nick

35:06

removes his clothes and climbs into a

35:08

comfortable-looking bed. The

35:10

others continue, looking for great Kmart products

35:13

to give them fulfilment. They

35:16

find a Kmart employee, Malcolm, to

35:18

Meadows. Hey, Malcolm,

35:21

I didn't know you worked at Kmart, and

35:23

apparently the hair on top of your

35:25

head didn't know it either. Whaaat?

35:31

Hey, next time you should use that chia pet

35:33

stuff on your whole head. Whaaat? Hey,

35:36

Malcolm, can I use the top of your head for a second? I

35:38

think I've got something stuck in my teeth. Whaaat? Yeah.

35:46

Then he notices Higgins fucking around in the

35:48

weapons section. Over by

35:51

the crossbows in the semi-automatics. What's

35:53

Higgins doing with OG's knife right

35:56

now? Higgins is talking to himself

35:58

while brandishing a massive blade. You

36:00

think you're tough? He's Crocodile's

36:02

dumb D. How'd it go with

36:04

the kids? Uh, he's in school.

36:07

You put him in school for one day?

36:09

He's a thug, Lenny. He cut the head

36:11

off a teddy bear. Imagine what he's gonna

36:13

do to me. So you're gonna

36:15

buy this knife to cut his head off?

36:18

K-Mout employee... Oh, shit, I'm so

36:20

excitable. No. I

36:22

just want him to think I'll cut his head off

36:25

so he won't cut my head off. Now

36:27

K-Mout employee OJ, male, 40s, cross-eyed

36:29

and familiar to Sam Lofens everywhere,

36:33

pipes up with the tombra of a chainsaw

36:35

burrowing into dirt. You

36:37

want to cause harm to a relative without

36:40

causing permanent injury. May I recommend this? OJ

36:42

produces a can of pepper spray and sprays his

36:45

own eyeballs. Aaaah!

36:48

Elsewhere in K-Mout, Malcolm and Kurt shoot

36:50

the shit. So

36:54

my son told me he's gonna ask your daughter on

36:56

a date. Charlatan never been on a

36:58

date before, and she sure as hell isn't

37:00

gonna start with some kid named Bump-Pee. He's

37:03

the only black kid in her class. What, you'd rather

37:06

she date a white kid? Yeah, Farrakhan. I'd rather

37:08

she dated the whitest white kid before

37:10

your little bald-headed boy. Okay,

37:12

but don't worry, because I already gave him the

37:14

talk. What talk? You know, chicks.

37:17

I told him how he used to roll with the ladies in high

37:19

school, you know. Beep, beep. Malcolm

37:22

air-tweaks nipples, then

37:26

opens his mouth and flails his tongue

37:28

about. Is that happening? Yeah.

37:32

Yeah, great. Kurt strangles Malcolm,

37:34

don't you? Why, I oughta? Whaaaaat?

37:40

Cut to exercise part of K-Mout. Eric eats

37:42

a pretzel, Lenny rides an exercise cycle. OJ

37:44

and Higgins are at a fake campsite. I

37:46

gotta get some pepper spray from my kids.

37:49

This big dumb idiot on the

37:51

bus won't stop abusing him. Hey,

37:54

remember when Tommy Cavanaugh moved here from Texas?

37:56

He non-stop abused you and you did nothing

37:59

about it? Cavanaugh! In his calvin eye,

38:02

that guy was a wrong lead freak!

38:05

He had back zits on

38:07

his back zits! Besides, we were

38:09

just messing around. If it was

38:11

serious, I swear to God, I

38:13

would have knocked him out! Hey,

38:16

isn't that calvin eye right there? Where?

38:19

In a panic, Lenny flips over the handlebars of

38:21

the extra cycle, injuring himself and landing on the

38:23

floor. Meanwhile, two extras walk through the bag of

38:25

shot twice in a row, providing the first... ...providing

38:32

the first significant continuity era

38:34

of the film. Okay, now,

38:38

you weren't exactly Captain Courageous back in

38:40

high school. I never backed out of

38:42

a fight, though. Yeah,

38:45

but did you ever jump off Suicide 35 at

38:47

the quarry? Oh,

38:49

that's right. You always made up some lame

38:52

excuse. Oh, I can't. I'm

38:54

on my period. It'll attract sharks. Suicide

38:57

35. Off the top rock, 35 feet above the water.

39:02

My mom did that jump when she was pregnant with me. Cut

39:07

to Nick Sforzmann, carefully inspecting the inflatables in

39:10

Kmart. He spies a box with a pitcher

39:12

of a raft. There's a raft

39:14

in there? Nick pulls a

39:16

loose cord on a box and is blown

39:18

back by a giant and instantly inflatable watercraft.

39:20

Nick is killed again! And

39:25

here's your shot of the school classroom. It's late morning. Chilled

39:27

out teacher is running a classroom of students who have all

39:30

had their textbooks out, even though it's the last day of

39:32

school. All

39:35

right, little birds. Find your nests,

39:37

man. Now, usually we

39:39

don't have this exciting news this late

39:42

in the term, but we have a

39:44

new student. Braden

39:46

Higgins is here from Florida. Hey,

39:48

Braden, why don't you go cop a squad?

39:51

Braden the Warlock walks in the opposite direction.

39:54

Or go that way, man. Find your

39:56

own path. Braden is finding his own

39:58

path. It's a warlock! Brayden

40:02

walks to a table with a nerd sitting

40:04

at it. The nerd offers his wallet. No,

40:07

I sit here. Is

40:10

your dad Marcus Higgins? That guy's

40:12

the funniest. I've known him since I

40:14

was a kid. Great, great man. I

40:18

wanna smash his face. Screw him. I

40:20

hate that guy. And, exterior

40:23

shot of Kmart storefront. It's

40:26

now late morning. The grown-ups are walking out

40:28

of Kmart carrying a variety of items which

40:30

they will no doubt get excellent longevity out

40:32

of. Kmart

40:34

really does provide only the finest products

40:36

at the most competitive prices. Hold

40:40

on, hold on. I think I've got

40:42

a burp snark coming. The men freeze

40:44

in anticipation of this hilarious gag from

40:46

Eric. He burps, sneezes and farts in

40:48

one semi-fluid motion. Do it. No!

40:58

You gotta teach me how

41:00

to do that! Burp snark

41:02

is simple. You start with a burp, you sniff or

41:04

a sneeze, get that going and then

41:06

that triggers a fart always. Officer

41:09

Full of Zoo, played by Shikila Neo,

41:12

interrupts the proceedings. Alright,

41:14

what's up with the school bus? Oh!

41:26

I can explain that!

41:28

Flizzoo draws a handgun. Put

41:31

your hands in the air.

41:33

Flizzoo cocks the gun. It

41:35

is definitely loaded. Now

41:38

wave them like you just don't care. Say,

41:41

ooh, ooh. Oh! Say,

41:45

ooh, ooh. Oh!

41:49

I heard you're having a party tonight, then. What?

41:54

I'm not having a party tonight. Where'd

41:56

you hear that? Kit strikes the

41:58

shoulder, it's guilty, like... Because remember that party

42:00

with his idea back on the bus, right? Officer

42:04

Dante, played by Peter Dante, imagine it,

42:06

bursts out of the cop car and

42:09

comes in piping hot. He's a

42:11

cop, he hears everything. Oh

42:13

look everybody, it's Magna

42:16

P.U. I

42:19

still can't believe they made you

42:21

a cop after all the sick

42:23

stuff you pulled. The Peter Dante

42:25

who stole your parents' snowmobile and

42:27

sold it to purchase crack cocaine

42:29

is dead, Miranda. I

42:32

mean, Fader. This

42:34

side of the law is way better

42:36

to serve and protect. Gotta

42:38

love it. Oh

42:41

no, the recital starts in five minutes, we'll never

42:43

make it on time. The

42:45

ballet recital of Madonna, LaMentia School? Can

42:50

we come? Why? Trust

42:53

me, everybody is gonna be there. We've

42:56

only got five minutes, we'll never make it

42:58

in time. Oh you'll

43:00

make it on time, because we're gonna give

43:03

you a five star presidential police escort. Isn't

43:06

that against the law? I am the law! Ladies

43:13

and gentlemen, it's time for a grown up suit power play,

43:15

brought to you by Kmart. Kmart is

43:17

quality with a capital K. The

43:21

following scenes were cut for time. Number

43:23

one, a ballet recital featuring the

43:25

men and John Lovett's ogling the

43:27

ballet teacher. Featuring Tim Meadows' best

43:29

line of the... Wait, what? Featuring

43:31

you, Tim. Oh, featuring my

43:33

favourite line of the film, I'm

43:36

having a wonderful time. The

43:43

second scene cut for time, the introduction of

43:45

Lenny's old high school bully, played by Stone

43:47

Cold Steve Austin. And the third scene at

43:49

an ice cream store, in which Colin Quinn,

43:51

character named Dickie, remember that, appears to shit

43:53

all over an ice cream machine. It's bloody

43:56

good, but it had to go. We're

44:00

in an exterior shot. It's establishing

44:02

of Stanton High School. Hashtag Puritan

44:04

Power. Go Puritans! It's afternoon.

44:06

Principal Tardio speaks over the PA. Meanwhile,

44:09

in a classroom, Greg is sitting with

44:11

his crush, Nancy Arbuckle, female, 16, attractive

44:14

by traditional Hollywood standards. And

44:17

so we arrive at the end

44:19

of another school year, filled with

44:21

growth, learning, and hopefully a little

44:23

bit of fun! Principal Tardio

44:25

finds something in his belly button. Oh!

44:29

Fruit Loop? He ate the Fruit

44:31

Loop. But

44:33

education is not set on

44:35

some fixed schedule. The school

44:38

bell rings. Heads erupt. Please,

44:41

please return to your seats! Two classic

44:43

pranksters are perched above Principal Tardio in

44:45

the ceiling. They hold a bucket of

44:47

blue paint and pour it all over

44:49

him. Oh damn, you will be... Yeah,

44:51

you do this to me! And

44:53

this is my favorite shirt from when I was

44:55

12! Cut to the

44:57

school hallway. Donna and Charlotte see each

45:00

other across the hall. How's it

45:02

going, sophomore? Not

45:04

bad, sophomore. Lovely

45:06

stuff. Meanwhile, Keetie

45:10

sees the bus bully making his way down

45:12

the hall. Keetie turns his body into a

45:14

rigid shape pretending to be a statue. This

45:16

kid is a moron. The

45:18

bully immediately sees through the ruse. Oh,

45:21

hey, wait a minute. You're not a

45:23

statue. You're an ass-chu! Hey,

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to catch up on the latest

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episodes without the ads. Hey

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there, it's Misha Norris. I'm host of a podcast

46:26

called Your Mama's Kitchen. When I travel, I'm

46:28

usually looking for a way to find a

46:30

taste of home when I'm not at home. And one of the

46:32

things I love to do when I am at home is

46:35

entertain. An Airbnb allows me to do that.

46:37

When I was in California recently, I rented

46:39

a house that had a great kitchen. And

46:41

when we were sitting around the table, we're

46:43

all thinking, we're in someone else's house. Someone

46:45

could be in all of our homes as

46:47

well. If you have a home, but

46:50

you're not always at home, you

46:52

have an Airbnb. Your

46:54

home might be worth more

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than you think. Find out

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how much at airbnb.com/host. That

47:08

didn't even make any sense. Shut up.

47:10

The bully knocks all Keetie's books out

47:12

of his hands. What? What?

47:15

What? Nothing. What?

47:18

Nothing? Nothing. Insane. Exterior,

47:22

friend of high school, afternoon, Greg, Andre

47:24

and Braden are standing together. Somehow those

47:26

first two nerds have befriended a warlock.

47:31

How are you getting home? Well, my

47:33

dad said he's got to stay late at

47:35

the soup kitchen. So, follow me. You

47:37

can come ride the bus with us if you want. No,

47:40

why don't we do something fun? Why

47:42

don't we do something we're not supposed to

47:44

do? Exterior, a fence blocking

47:46

a walkway. It says, keep out, afternoon.

47:48

Braden, Andre and Greg are walking down

47:51

a gravel road towards the gate. Keep

47:53

out? That just makes me want

47:55

to not keep out. The

48:00

nicer right it leads. Craig and

48:02

kids have been ended up a

48:05

bit and Lance exterior alleged put

48:07

both above water. afternoon. Or.

48:09

Daddy's to come here when they were kids

48:11

they claimed to be a squeaky clean but

48:13

I reckon they were nuts. On

48:21

the cameraman becomes a grimly thought about a

48:24

change of take the movies sounds absurd. shooting

48:26

a hip hop video. Ah

48:30

college kids we we better

48:32

go know go. Stay.

48:36

The whole lot describes in Fort slips into a

48:39

die from a thirty five foot drop. Business

48:42

with. Get out here Gray and order. I

48:44

saw Magni Way back from the quarry when

48:46

Wayne Gretzky very sober daughter so that carrying

48:48

a six pack pretending to be very rough.

48:51

Seas, the daughter of

48:53

a mystery ice hockey

48:55

player, not an actor.

48:58

Last. Last

49:01

time zone. Where

49:13

we're. Seniors. We became seniors.

49:15

Like twenty minutes. To go

49:17

out or got caught. College seniors know

49:20

high school seniors. Wait

49:22

a minute, I know you use

49:24

Delhi and your boehmer. Still wanna?

49:26

See hands hundred a beer Aids and

49:29

gives them a hug. I

49:31

love it. I saw unless I

49:33

love you, do I love you

49:35

more. The

49:38

gods, what's your unconvincingly stumbled

49:41

towards the potty s. Know.

49:44

Go say! Okay

49:46

put. Whatever. You do. A

49:49

man sees. If. We'll drink and

49:51

will be onto us and. I

49:53

don't know if I'm ready for beers. Yeah,

50:00

pretend to urinate and pour them out.

50:02

This isn't exactly what Andre says, but you get the gist

50:04

of it. The

50:06

best shot of the movie follows. Brayden

50:08

lying on an inflatable, wearing sunglasses, barrels

50:11

the shit out of the

50:13

camera. Whoo! Ha

50:15

ha ha ha ha! Summertime!

50:21

Whoooo! Mystery

50:26

scene. Guy and Tim couldn't remember what happens here,

50:28

and in the interest of time we decided not to

50:30

try and remember it. So

50:32

now we're in an exterior shot of a

50:35

tree deria in front of the quarry. It's

50:37

afternoon. It's been a lifelong shame, but you're

50:39

finally gonna do suicide 35. It's

50:42

a big day. Yeah, what are you afraid

50:44

of? You're the rope from the tree. Triple

50:47

backflip bird crush guy. No one has any

50:49

idea what Kurt is talking about. Everyone

50:53

ignores him. They emerge from the trees and

50:55

arrive at a clearing. The

50:57

thing is, I just ate. What?

51:01

What did you just eat? I had chicken

51:04

chow mein. When did you

51:06

eat? We were with you the

51:08

whole time! Yeah,

51:11

you didn't say they had it at Kmart. It

51:13

is good there. Get

51:18

out of here. Lenny sees the college

51:20

party taking place across the quarry. What

51:23

do I see here? Look

51:25

at this! Hot chicks!

51:28

Beels on ice! This

51:31

is how we used to do it.

51:35

This is how I still do it, buddy. Into

51:39

the ex-wolf wolf, come fret boy

51:41

Taylor, played by Taylor Lautner. Well,

51:44

you should stop. This is Kappa

51:47

Delta Sigma Theta Pi property. We couldn't

51:49

remember the fret name. The

51:52

rest of the fret boys consist of Patty,

51:54

20, son of Arnie, an absolute legend on

51:56

the LA party scene. Joining

52:02

him blonde frat guy 30s with a real

52:04

Van Wilder vibe. And

52:07

YouTube sensation 20s in this movie

52:09

for the internet generation. Listen,

52:14

we've been swimming at the quarry

52:17

since we were 8 years old

52:19

so you can calm down there

52:21

a bit, abba crumb. I'm

52:24

sure it was the bomb back in the

52:26

day cranking your Al Jolson tunes on your

52:29

transistor radio but this is the 21st century

52:31

and thicky thick and flabby bunch should never

52:33

take their shirts off again. Well

52:36

I guess I'm thicky thick. Yeah

52:38

well I don't really enjoy being in

52:41

the flabby bunch. I

52:44

haven't seen this many arrogant white kids since

52:46

Eminem played Duke. Oh

52:48

yeah? Well

52:50

at least we aren't

52:52

stuck in some lame ass town hanging

52:54

up drywall for a living. First

52:57

of all I own pretty much the

52:59

greatest auto body parts shop in town.

53:01

Mackenzie here works for the cable company.

53:03

Free cable for life. And Higgins, well

53:06

he works part time down at the go cart

53:08

track. Go cart track. What? Oh

53:12

so he was high balling you

53:14

with the drywall? The blonde

53:16

frat guy and Tyler doing a leopard handshake

53:19

to celebrate the burn. It

53:21

takes about 30 seconds. And

53:28

to be honest it's actually a pretty good

53:30

gag. The

53:36

grown ups patiently wait for the handshake

53:38

to end. Petty stands in the background

53:41

but is unmissable. He is now acting

53:43

at maximum capacity with his entire

53:46

face and body. Nice

53:50

handshake. Nice

53:55

handshake. We got one too. It

53:57

goes like this. Eric and Kurt shake

53:59

hands normally. Pleasure to meet you. And

54:01

also you, sir. Look, he just got

54:03

to jump off of that cliff and then

54:06

we're out of here. Oh,

54:10

I can't permit it. I can't permit it.

54:12

He can't... He can't permit it. You

54:15

guys have ruined our celebrations by being

54:17

here. Look at my hands. They're shaking.

54:19

I'm so mad. Petty is very excited. He's

54:21

about to get a line. Yeah,

54:24

my brother's shaking. Petty has nailed Holt

54:26

Long. Holt Long. Tyler

54:35

starts doing backflips. I

54:37

can take this guy. I just need to warm up first. Hold on. This

54:40

guy's doing 11 backflips for

54:42

some unknown reason. Look,

54:45

we can't afford to do

54:47

this. We've got kids. Then

54:50

he addresses us to Tyler and the frat

54:52

boys. Hey, look, guys.

54:54

Guys, guys. We'll just come back another

54:56

time. You will come back never.

55:00

Dude, why are you acting so crazy? Ooh,

55:02

did Betty White just call

55:04

you crazy? Did

55:07

he just call you Betty White? That's pretty funny.

55:11

Looks like we got a situation. Tyler

55:14

Wolf whistles and many frat boys suddenly appear

55:16

whooping and cheering. Okay,

55:19

all right. You

55:22

know what? You're obviously having

55:24

a party, so we'll just

55:26

be on our way. The men gotta leave, but the

55:28

frat boys stopped them. Not that way. What, is there

55:30

an escalator? That way. Tyler

55:32

and the 100 frat boys

55:34

all point in different directions. This

55:39

is a mistake. They should all be pointing at

55:41

Suicide 35's clip of movies they're hard to make.

55:49

You're gonna make us do the punch? Naked.

55:53

Assholes. thanks

56:00

to a very skilled D.O. Pooh. Upon

56:04

landing, the men are treating water, upset

56:06

and naked. I can't

56:08

believe nobody's scared of a black

56:10

guy anymore. Damn you Obama. End

56:14

scene. The

56:19

gate in front of the pathway from before,

56:22

afternoon. The four men walk back with

56:24

their transport dejected. What, are you made

56:26

of rocks, dude? Hey, feel that

56:28

right there. Lenny forces Higgins

56:30

and Eric's hands on his nipples. Those

56:33

are my balls. They went

56:35

right up there. Stop

56:37

it, I'm getting turned on. Eric

56:39

notices a torn off teddy bear head atop

56:42

the car's antenna. What's

56:44

this? These kids won't stop

56:46

abusing us. Damn

56:48

you. This

56:52

wasn't fracked yet. It was my

56:55

son, Satan. Ladies

56:59

and gentlemen, it's time for a grown-up's two power

57:01

play, brought to you by Blaze Pizza. For

57:06

the tastiest fast-fire pizza with

57:08

hashtag artisano ingredients, hand delivered

57:11

by the party schwartzinator, choose

57:13

Blaze Pizza. The following

57:15

scenes were cut for time. Number one,

57:17

Higgins rolling through town in the gigantic

57:19

tyre. There's no tyre lock, it's fine.

57:21

Number two, Lenny sharing a

57:23

tender moment, teaching Kesey to play football

57:26

shortly before breaking his leg. And

57:28

number three, the frat boys returning to their frat

57:30

house to discover it has been frat-trashed. Blaze

57:33

Pizza! Now,

57:38

interior shot of a doctor's office, it's daytime. Lenny

57:40

and Roxanne stand next to a bedridden Kesey whose

57:42

leg is in a cast. They are

57:45

joined by Dr Dugan, 50s, male,

57:47

played by the film's director and grumpy

57:49

nurse, early 40s, grumpy. Dr

57:51

Dugan pins an x-ray of Kesey's obviously broken

57:53

leg to a light board. So

57:55

it's just a hairline fracture then? No,

57:58

no, it's a clean break. What

58:00

is it? Broken, broken? Or just kind

58:03

of broken? The leg is broken.

58:05

I'm afraid he's going to have to be

58:07

wearing that cast all summer. What

58:09

was once one bone is

58:11

now two half bones. Thank

58:18

you, nurse. Now if you'll excuse me, I haven't

58:20

slept in 68 hours. So

58:23

you're saying you're a little loopy from the

58:25

lack of sleep, and that

58:27

isn't my son's leg up there. That's

58:30

a piece of celery you snapped, right?

58:33

Lately, the leg is

58:36

broken. It's choppasarto. It's

58:40

dorota. Doctor?

58:46

Oh boy. Is

58:49

there anything you can do about my wife? I'm

58:51

a doctor, not a psychiatrist.

58:55

So you're saying my wife is

58:57

crazy? No, no,

58:59

it was a joke. Lenny,

59:08

you lied to me and now you're going to pay

59:10

for it. Doctor, don't

59:12

you wish there was a cure for anger?

59:15

There is. It's called Jack

59:17

Daniels. Ah, I know

59:20

one of your jokes. I

59:23

wish. Doctor

59:25

Dugan, played by the film's

59:27

director Dennis Dugan, produces a hip flask and

59:29

takes a deep sip in what might be

59:31

a thinly veiled metacry for help from the

59:35

madam's son. It's

59:40

time for another grown up superpower

59:43

play. Please, please, please, please, please,

59:46

please, please. And by Grown Ups 3D,

59:48

an exciting new chapter in the Grown

59:50

Ups canon. The following

59:52

scenes were cut for time. 1.

59:54

André Mackenzie passing his driving test with Steve

59:56

Buscemi, aka Wylie, and the birth of the

59:59

Steve Buscemi mystery. history tour. Two,

1:00:02

Eric and Telly having a frank emotional discussion

1:00:05

about their crumbling marriage before getting a car

1:00:07

wash from the cast of SNL. Three,

1:00:11

word miraculously spreading across the entire town

1:00:14

that there will be an 80s theme

1:00:16

party at the Fader House tonight. Interior,

1:00:19

supermarket, night. Lenny pushes

1:00:21

a trolley with Becky and as much product

1:00:23

placement as humanly possible. I

1:00:26

used to buy cases of beer from my

1:00:28

parties. Now I'm just buying cases of

1:00:31

juice boxes. Kyle, the

1:00:33

fitness guy, appears with a trolley full

1:00:35

of good-looking healthy food because he's a

1:00:37

good-looking healthy guy. Hey,

1:00:40

Beckstar. Hey, Studmuffin.

1:00:43

Mommy calls him Studmuffin, so I call

1:00:45

him Studmuffin. He's that

1:00:47

right. Hey, you must

1:00:49

be Roxanne's husband. I'm Kyle. Oh,

1:00:52

yeah. And how exactly do you

1:00:54

know my wife again there, Mud

1:00:56

Stuffin? Ignoring the

1:00:59

homophobic nature of the slur, the spoon-erism is one

1:01:01

of the cleverest gags of the film. Oh,

1:01:05

I worked her out this morning. Yeah,

1:01:08

well, I worked her out this

1:01:10

morning too. Pretty

1:01:12

good, actually. Okay.

1:01:15

Enter... Hi.

1:01:21

What's up? This is awkward.

1:01:23

I'm here with my

1:01:25

husband. I'm sorry.

1:01:27

Why is that awkward? Sherry points

1:01:29

at the 30-year-old barrette in her

1:01:31

hair. You have brain

1:01:34

damage? Sherry

1:01:37

laughs nervously, thusly. And her husband,

1:01:39

Wylie, aka Buscemi, appears carrying a

1:01:41

jar of mayonnaise. He's presumably just

1:01:44

finished fingering. Hey,

1:01:49

honey. Hello, Lenny. Hey,

1:01:52

Wylie. How'd Andre McKenzie go on

1:01:54

his test today? He

1:01:56

squeaked by. We definitely didn't check out

1:01:58

any soapy cheerleaders. What's going

1:02:00

on with you and my wife? I

1:02:03

gotta go. In fact,

1:02:05

why don't we all go our separate

1:02:08

ways? I don't see any of

1:02:10

these conversations working out for me. Wylie,

1:02:14

I will see you at the party later.

1:02:16

Yeah, party tonight. Eddie style.

1:02:19

Rocky III. Wylie starts

1:02:21

airboxing. Sherry slips the note into

1:02:23

Lenny's hand. I'll bring the

1:02:25

hubba-ba-ba. Roxanne reappears as

1:02:28

everyone disperses. What did that

1:02:30

note say? That was really good.

1:02:35

I think it sounded just like her. Thanks, Eddie.

1:02:37

You're welcome. It

1:02:40

says, Bitch, Manny, look

1:02:42

at it. The

1:02:46

other side... He turns it over. Meet

1:02:49

me by your mailbox at 11. Why

1:02:52

would I meet her by the mailbox at 11?

1:02:55

Roxanne snatches the note from Lenny and eats

1:02:57

it. She leaves with sass. Do

1:03:01

you have any idea what just

1:03:04

happened? Not a clue. That's

1:03:06

it. And, Syria, foyer

1:03:09

of the fighter household. Nighttime. Went

1:03:14

with the 80s. That

1:03:17

was way back in the 1900s. We

1:03:19

learned about it in school. The phones had

1:03:22

these long, curly things on them, and

1:03:24

you actually had to watch commercials. It

1:03:26

was whack. Isn't

1:03:28

that right, Bowser? Someone dress up the

1:03:30

fucking dog for this shindig. Unbelievable.

1:03:33

Lenny appears in blue jeans and a white tee.

1:03:35

He has a red cap in his back pocket.

1:03:38

Hey, Dad. How come we have to wear costumes

1:03:40

and you don't? Lenny puts the

1:03:42

cap on. Bruce Springsteen. Born in

1:03:44

the USA. Who's Bruce

1:03:47

Springsteen? You don't know

1:03:49

who Bruce Springsteen is? I stink

1:03:51

as a parent. You

1:03:55

do not stink as a parent. That's why

1:03:57

I don't understand why. Why I don't want

1:03:59

to. baby and because I don't

1:04:01

want one! Can

1:04:06

we move on from

1:04:09

that? Roxanne starts crying

1:04:11

in leaves. Pretty fair given her

1:04:13

husband's outbursts. In.

1:04:16

Why not? Exterior. Balcony outside the master bedroom

1:04:18

at the Fader House. Nighttime.

1:04:21

Roxanne is drying her eyes on this

1:04:23

lovely balcony. It might be

1:04:25

Roxanne or it might be Salma Hayek breaking characters. She

1:04:28

realizes what a poor career choice she has made. I'm

1:04:37

sorry, I get it,

1:04:39

honey. In

1:04:42

front of the children. I'm

1:04:48

sorry, but you keep

1:04:50

saying you want another kid. Why

1:04:52

don't we just adopt a 20-year-old or

1:04:55

something? That way we could make some

1:04:57

money off them. I'm

1:04:59

just trying to understand. I

1:05:01

mean, are you going through a hormone thing? Menopause?

1:05:07

What? Are you not old

1:05:09

enough for that or something? I'm

1:05:11

sorry. Well,

1:05:20

I have been going through kind of a hormone

1:05:23

thing. Good. We

1:05:25

can get pills for that.

1:05:29

I'm pregnant. The

1:05:31

doorbell rings. Our

1:05:34

guests are here. Exterior shot at

1:05:36

the backyard. It's the Fader Household. Nighttime.

1:05:39

We're in one corner of the palatial Fader backyard. The

1:05:41

yard has dough past lights everywhere and looks sent for

1:05:43

the party of the decade. Lenny, Laminsoft,

1:05:46

Higginson, Kurt aka the Grown Ups

1:05:48

are all seated on outdoor furniture.

1:05:50

All of them dress elaborately as

1:05:52

1980s icons, except Lenny for his

1:05:54

in his shitty Springsteen cop-out costume.

1:05:57

What are you supposed to be? A meatloaf. Your

1:06:00

meatloaf or your made of meatloaf? Ha

1:06:02

ha! Who are you supposed to

1:06:05

be, Doug Henning? I'm Oates. Oh

1:06:07

yeah? Where's Hall? He's

1:06:09

having a play date with your kids. In the

1:06:11

backyard, Braden is spinning around in circles with Bean

1:06:13

and Becky in his grip. They are screaming in

1:06:15

fear. I

1:06:18

can't believe I have to drink juice at my

1:06:20

own party, because we got all these kids running

1:06:22

around. Which one

1:06:24

of you guys has even been to a party

1:06:26

in the last six months? Higgins

1:06:29

shoots his hand up in the air. Kurt whoops loudly.

1:06:32

A party without a bouncy

1:06:35

castle. Kurt puts his hand

1:06:37

down and whoops sadly. A

1:06:41

party you were actually invited to? Higgins

1:06:44

puts his hand down. Face

1:06:46

it fellas, the party's over.

1:06:49

We're irrelevant. I

1:06:53

mean... You saw

1:06:55

how those frack eyes treated us.

1:06:58

Laminsoft's completely surrendered.

1:07:00

He's wearing a fanny pack, for God's sake.

1:07:03

First of all, it's a surf

1:07:05

fanny pack, a survival fanny pack, and

1:07:08

it has many special features. Oh yeah?

1:07:10

Like if I pull this triangle, a

1:07:12

lasagna pops out. Ha

1:07:14

ha ha! Why

1:07:16

don't you try it? You got it. I

1:07:19

pull the string. Then he pulls

1:07:21

the string and an instantly inflating raft erupts

1:07:24

out of the fanny pack, throwing everyone but

1:07:26

Eric ten yards. Like

1:07:29

a raft out of hell. Eric

1:07:32

mounts a nearby coffee table, victorious. Hands on

1:07:35

hips he bellows at his injured friends. Don't

1:07:37

ever say the party's over. The coffee

1:07:40

table breaks under the weight of an

1:07:42

over-employed Kevin James, and the legs all

1:07:44

snap simultaneously. Dropping

1:07:47

him by three feet. It's

1:07:50

a visual depiction of his lowered status, you

1:07:52

goons. That

1:07:54

didn't happen. Good one. As

1:07:56

if by magic, the party is now full

1:07:59

of people and... Only happening! Officers

1:08:01

Flizzoo and Dante, Dr... Officers

1:08:04

Flizzoo and Dante and Dr Dugan dressed and

1:08:06

pressfully as Billy Idol and Lenny are playing

1:08:08

quarters and Dante nails a coin bounce right

1:08:10

into Flizzoo's beer. Buckle up

1:08:12

partner! Flizzoo downs the drink in

1:08:15

one. Roxanne approaches the table with

1:08:17

Becky by her side. Quick! Secret

1:08:19

keyboard! Lenny presses a

1:08:21

button which splits the beer-laden table

1:08:23

surface into two. It mechanically disappears

1:08:25

downwards and is simultaneously replaced by

1:08:27

a nice table top surface with

1:08:29

cupcakes and non-alcoholic beverages. Hey

1:08:32

honey! Becky's tired

1:08:34

and she wants her daddy to put her to bed. Oh

1:08:37

well, I just didn't run some refreshments.

1:08:40

But you could eat mad! You

1:08:42

wouldn't want to drink too much punch with all these

1:08:44

kids running around. I think I'd

1:08:47

be okay. Actually, you wouldn't.

1:08:49

Lenny concedes, steps up from the table

1:08:51

and high fives Flizzoo. I'll be right

1:08:54

back. That's a promise. He lifts Becky

1:08:56

into his arms. Roxanne takes the vacant

1:08:58

seat and pushes the table button, flipping

1:09:00

it back into beer mode, before bouncing

1:09:02

a quarter immediately into Flizzoo's beer. As

1:09:05

easy as making a free throw. Because

1:09:08

he's Shaq. Flizzoo

1:09:10

looks despondent, as if someone was meta-referencing Shaquille

1:09:12

O'Neal's terrible free throw record in his NBA

1:09:14

career. No time to dwell on that though,

1:09:16

because now it's an interior of Becky's room.

1:09:19

Lenny is tucking Becky in. He grabs a

1:09:21

nearby bottle of cough syrup and a hasty

1:09:23

attempt to drug his... His what?

1:09:26

Daughter. Oh, okay. We've got to talk about that. To

1:09:30

drug his daughter so he can return to

1:09:32

drinking booze with his friends. Like an asshole.

1:09:36

Daddy, no! You don't want one

1:09:38

slug. I thought you liked this

1:09:40

stuff. Eric Laminsoft's voice can be heard

1:09:42

in Becky's room, coming from outside of

1:09:44

the party over the PA system. Hey,

1:09:46

look who's here. It's some of Lenny's

1:09:48

friends from the old J. Giles band.

1:09:50

You got it. A smirted

1:09:53

live version of J. Giles band's soul

1:09:55

hit Centaphone starts playing loudly. Lenny

1:09:57

looks absolutely gutted to be missing it. Sorry,

1:10:00

tell me a story. What?

1:10:02

You're not sleepy anymore? Okay,

1:10:05

once there was a claw. Lenny

1:10:07

makes a claw shape with his hand. And

1:10:10

its face raked the child. There

1:10:13

was a cave. Raked. Lenny

1:10:15

runs his hand claw over Becky's face vigorously.

1:10:18

The last thing you'd expect the child to be

1:10:21

placated into sleep by. Daddy,

1:10:24

I can't get a sleep without Mr. Gigglesworth. Mr.

1:10:27

Gigglesworth is just resting sweetheart. But

1:10:29

I can't sleep without him, please

1:10:32

Daddy. Shut up, Veroofdy. But

1:10:35

I'll get him for you. In sync as fucking

1:10:37

why not? And here

1:10:39

in the fated kitchen now, it's night time. Next warts

1:10:41

and is dressed perfectly as Boy George, Kyla's

1:10:43

dress as Indiana Jones and Lenny enters.

1:10:46

Why are you naked? Global warming.

1:10:55

Where's Gigglesworth? Oh,

1:10:58

you looking for this? Kyle produces

1:11:00

an immaculate looking red toy monkey from a box. What

1:11:03

happened? Why does he look so

1:11:05

good? I sewed him. You sewed him?

1:11:07

You know how to sew? Well

1:11:10

yeah, I learned at gay camp. This

1:11:21

is in the movie, we did not write this bit. You

1:11:24

went to gay camp? You're gay?

1:11:27

No, I mean I am gay, but there's

1:11:29

no such thing as gay camp, man. It

1:11:31

was a joke. My

1:11:35

dad was a tailor. He taught me how

1:11:37

to sew when I was Becky's age. This

1:11:39

is great! You're not sleeping with my wife.

1:11:42

Giggles is fixed. And

1:11:44

you've got a pee stain.

1:11:48

That is not mine! I

1:11:51

can start a relationship with a woman,

1:11:53

but I just can't sustain it. It's

1:11:58

like there's a distance between me and Kyla. And

1:12:00

I could try to fill it

1:12:02

up pharmaceutical or with dino

1:12:05

nuggets. But nothing works. See,

1:12:07

you get it. Because

1:12:10

I heard your sensitive

1:12:14

to men. Nick

1:12:16

Snips at Nick Snips his crazed yelly

1:12:19

discussion with himself. He's going to suck

1:12:21

it. He'll find it all her sacred.

1:12:23

And, exterior, the eye of the party.

1:12:29

Night time. The party's in full swing and Greg

1:12:31

and Dickey emerge from around the corner. I'll give

1:12:33

your dad one thing. He sure can throw a

1:12:35

party. This is my

1:12:38

dad's party? A sweeping shot of

1:12:40

the rager quickly distracts the audience from the fact

1:12:42

that Greg has forgotten both where he lives and

1:12:44

what his house looks like. Shortly

1:12:52

after, Greg trips over a power cord disconnecting

1:12:55

the sound system. The band is playing through.

1:12:58

Charlotte, who has been singing along to

1:13:00

the band loudly, is now caught unawares

1:13:02

and is singing solo. Time stands still

1:13:04

as her angelic voice fills the backyard.

1:13:16

Charlotte opens her eyes to see everyone

1:13:18

is suddenly looking at her. You can applaud

1:13:21

that. The crowd erupts in applause. Charlotte,

1:13:24

that was incredible. Where'd

1:13:27

you learn to say like that? No

1:13:31

place. I just sing a little in the shower.

1:13:35

In scene. Cut

1:13:39

to Tommy Cavanaugh and the ballet teacher

1:13:41

whose scene we deleted are hanging out

1:13:43

of the party when Lenny spies his

1:13:45

old bully. Hey, who

1:13:48

invited you? You

1:13:51

are a beautiful wife, son. Well,

1:13:54

she invited her and naturally assumed I

1:13:56

was a plus one.

1:13:58

Okay. Well great

1:14:01

Terminator outfit and you with

1:14:04

the Robert Palmer thing you got going on.

1:14:06

Blah blah blah blah nice babble. Kevin

1:14:10

or his dress is the Terminator and

1:14:12

it's stone cold Steve Austin. Bang on.

1:14:15

Um... He

1:14:17

throws his bear cup onto the ground without a

1:14:19

care in the world and faces away from Lenny.

1:14:21

Lenny looks over to his kid, Keithy, who is

1:14:23

being accosted by the bus bully. The

1:14:25

bully is jamming a crutch into Keithy's side.

1:14:27

Yo does that hurt? Yeah! Oh!

1:14:30

I'll keep doing it then! Boom!

1:14:34

Lenny faces Kevin or with renewed

1:14:36

resolve. Hey, I

1:14:38

want to apologize. For

1:14:41

what? For being a dick

1:14:43

when we were in high school. You

1:14:45

don't want to let bygones be bygones. I

1:14:48

do, but only after you apologize.

1:14:50

For stuff that happened 30 years

1:14:53

ago. There isn't a statue

1:14:55

of limitations on being a dick.

1:14:59

What did you call me? I

1:15:01

said what I said. Now you

1:15:03

and me are fighting. Right

1:15:06

now! Roxanne sees the fight

1:15:08

about to begin. She is nervous because stone cold

1:15:10

Steve Austin is a lot bigger than Adam Sandler.

1:15:16

Somebody call the police! Officer

1:15:18

Dontay emerges from the crowd wearing skis and a

1:15:20

foam dome with two dozen cans of beer strapped

1:15:22

to his head. We're already here!

1:15:25

A circle of onlookers crowd around Lenny and Tommy.

1:15:28

They size each other up in a tense moment.

1:15:30

I gotta show my kid what's right. We'd

1:15:33

do anything for our boys, wouldn't we? Yeah.

1:15:37

My boy is serving over in Afghanistan. Well,

1:15:45

I hope he comes back safe. Me

1:15:53

too, me too. Duck a

1:15:56

punch, Jim Fader! Lick him,

1:15:58

bite him, lick his tail. I

1:16:02

tell you what, hit me right

1:16:04

here and I'll go tell like a sack of potatoes. Just

1:16:07

do it. Lenny winds up for a

1:16:09

trick punch that will make him a hero in the

1:16:11

eyes of his community and family because people who win

1:16:13

with violence are the best people and that's what we

1:16:15

need to teach our kids. No,

1:16:22

stop. Please don't hit me. You dare me

1:16:24

from limb to from limb. What

1:16:29

the? The only

1:16:31

reason I picked on you is because I was afraid of

1:16:33

you. Please don't hit

1:16:35

me. Tommy begins to fake crying. Cavanaugh

1:16:38

is crying. This

1:16:40

is ridiculous. You

1:16:43

don't want me to hit you with this.

1:16:45

Lenny extends a cliche fist. Tommy

1:16:48

winces. How about I give you

1:16:50

the elbow? Tommy winces once again.

1:16:53

Finger in the eye. Tommy cow is.

1:16:56

Listen to this guy. Get up.

1:16:58

Straighten up. Listen. If

1:17:00

you ever talk to me or my family like that,

1:17:02

everyone in. I will

1:17:05

slap you into a pile of acne,

1:17:07

bad breath and back zips. Oh

1:17:09

brother. Do you understand

1:17:12

me? Yes, I understand you. Do

1:17:14

you understand my ass? Yes,

1:17:16

I understand you. Good.

1:17:19

Now get out of here before I change

1:17:21

your mama. Lenny whispers into Tommy's ear. Thank

1:17:25

you very much. Lenny turns

1:17:27

and walks away with a needlessly smug look on

1:17:29

his face. Exterior, faded

1:17:31

driveway, night. Sherry is walking

1:17:33

into the party with Wiley, who is dressed

1:17:35

hilariously like Flavor Flav. Jesus,

1:17:38

fetters are playing their rock and roll records

1:17:40

pretty loud. I guess they haven't

1:17:43

heard of neighbors. So

1:17:45

good. Sherry

1:17:51

stops next to the mailbox. What

1:17:53

are you doing? I'm just going to get some air.

1:17:56

We haven't even been to the party yet. I would

1:17:58

appreciate it if you stopped. trying to

1:18:01

manage me word word

1:18:05

you want me to stay with uh you want me to stay and uh

1:18:07

wait with you whoa

1:18:21

don't believe the hype boy oi

1:18:26

failed it while he walks off dabbing

1:18:29

his crotch with one hand and throwing snaps in

1:18:31

the air with the other it is truly the

1:18:33

low point of steve busimi's illustrious career suddenly

1:18:37

a fleet of cars arrive in the

1:18:39

driveway university assholes climb out of them

1:18:41

some are scantily clad young women some

1:18:43

are hot headed men with l.a oh

1:18:45

lacrosse sticks

1:18:48

they look pissed off but unstoppable hey

1:18:51

if you guys see lenny can you

1:18:53

tell them i'm waiting out here like we arranged

1:18:56

guys excuse me hey

1:18:58

i'm on parcen the

1:19:01

mob ignores her and marches forward they are

1:19:03

now in the field division of wylie and

1:19:05

nick who are hanging out in the party

1:19:07

yard who are they boston university frat guys

1:19:10

i hate white people taylor

1:19:13

lortner leads the group to the top of the hill

1:19:15

we didn't know existed to right now in the in

1:19:18

the fator's yard how

1:19:20

convenient everyone he looks

1:19:22

down for the party guys how

1:19:25

convenient everyone whose asses we need

1:19:27

to kick together in one spot

1:19:30

you disrespected our frat house they

1:19:33

disrespected the hell out of it it

1:19:36

is now apparent that all the party guys

1:19:38

have grouped together they stand against and opposite

1:19:40

the university group then

1:19:42

do it me do it

1:19:48

you don't have to cover for them v dog who

1:19:51

is the dog we

1:19:55

know these old townies wrecked our first frat house

1:19:57

after we made them jump naked at the swimming

1:20:00

Hey,

1:20:05

I've been swimming at that quarry since I

1:20:07

was eight years old. Apparently everyone in this

1:20:09

lame town has been swimming there since they

1:20:11

were eight years old. I guess nobody had

1:20:13

time to move away because they were too

1:20:15

busy sucking. The

1:20:18

university crowd erupts with support at this

1:20:20

awesome slam. This feels like a real

1:20:23

seminal moment in the movie. Like we

1:20:25

were about to witness some conclusive action.

1:20:28

Hey, Lenny Federer left this town, went to

1:20:30

Hollywood, made big bucks, probably made more money

1:20:32

than all you brainiacs ever will

1:20:34

put together, and he came back here because

1:20:36

this is his home, and it will

1:20:38

always be his home. Lenny gives

1:20:40

a specky, an appreciative nod. The kind of

1:20:43

appreciative nod one man can only give another

1:20:45

man when they have truly grown

1:20:47

up. That's

1:20:56

nice, but we didn't come here

1:20:58

to hear any lame speeches. We

1:21:00

came here to kick some old

1:21:02

smithereens. High

1:21:05

fives all around. There

1:21:12

are also pets on the ass coming hard and

1:21:14

fast. Hey, we

1:21:16

may be old. We may

1:21:18

be smelly. We may have a

1:21:20

penis. But the

1:21:22

only ones getting their asses kicked is

1:21:25

going to be you spoiled, privileged, uppity

1:21:27

D-Bags. Now let's get busy. The

1:21:30

two groups fuck each other in

1:21:32

a dramatic slow motion sequence, reminiscent

1:21:34

of the film Alan

1:21:37

Krustik's held a laugh. Fuck you.

1:21:42

Young men launched themselves impossibly high in

1:21:44

the air, and even the stupid small-minded

1:21:46

woman looked ready for blood. That

1:21:49

was in the world of the film. That's not Tim and Guy.

1:21:53

What ensues is the single worst choreographed fight

1:21:55

scene in the history of cinema. It's

1:21:58

frankly embarrassing to watch. Higgins

1:22:01

is about to be laid out by a frat guy

1:22:03

when his son the warlock comes to the rescue. Yeah,

1:22:06

go Braden! Hit him! Just

1:22:10

outside the kitchen Nick is being attacked.

1:22:12

Kyle steps in and lays out the

1:22:14

assailant with the shittiest faux kung fu

1:22:16

anyone's ever seen. Nick steps

1:22:18

in and delivers the final blow. Hey,

1:22:22

we did it. Yeah.

1:22:27

We make a pretty

1:22:29

good team. Nick

1:22:31

closes his eyes and walks into the direction of Kyle

1:22:33

to try and kiss him. Kyle

1:22:36

steps out of the way and the dog steps in. Nick

1:22:39

makes out with the dog. Kyle

1:22:42

vomits. We

1:22:50

now fast forward to the moment no one has

1:22:52

been waiting for. Lenny

1:22:56

is in a stand off with Taylor. Alright,

1:23:00

Slippy boy. Think

1:23:03

you're gonna flip your way out

1:23:05

of this one? Lenny

1:23:08

throws a right hook then a left.

1:23:10

Taylor handily ducks both. Too

1:23:13

slow old man. Where do you

1:23:15

work out, Cinnabon? Taylor lands a

1:23:17

sweet ass kick on Lenny. Lenny

1:23:20

falls and fails to get up. Oh,

1:23:22

so we're throwing legs? Okay,

1:23:24

well, give me a moment

1:23:26

to stretch. We're gonna

1:23:28

throw some legs, huh? We're

1:23:31

gonna throw some legs, huh? Taylor

1:23:34

gets bored of Sandler's groaning and

1:23:36

executes an amazing backwards roundhouse into

1:23:38

his face. Lenny

1:23:41

stays down this time. Boom.

1:23:44

That just happened. What

1:23:47

are you,

1:23:49

Riesemanninja? Lenny

1:23:51

collapses into unconsciousness. Becky

1:23:54

emerges from her bedroom out the front door

1:23:56

with Mr Gigglesworth. She faces Taylor. Congratul-

1:24:00

Congratulations, you won the fight. Here's

1:24:02

your prize. She hands him Mr.

1:24:04

Gigglesworth. Oh, thanks little girl He

1:24:07

looks just like you. Becky walks back into

1:24:09

the house. Good night. Taylor

1:24:11

is waving the toy around weirdly in front of

1:24:14

him It's a

1:24:16

monkey Suddenly

1:24:20

that dare from the start of the movie

1:24:22

reappears And

1:24:26

gallops towards Mr. Gigglesworth striking Taylor in

1:24:28

the chest pinning him on the ground

1:24:31

Taylor holds off the deer struggling on the

1:24:33

deck against the beast in a timely metaphor

1:24:35

for how the audience is struggling against the

1:24:38

film Which seemingly will not die The

1:24:43

University crowd disperses in fear of

1:24:45

the deer the townies have won.

1:24:47

Yeah, what is correct?

1:24:52

The townies have won and it's all thanks

1:24:54

to the plucky quick thinking of young

1:24:56

Becky Fader Meanwhile Lenny is still laid

1:24:58

out on the lawn Roxanne

1:25:04

kicks Sherry in the fucking face full-on

1:25:08

With a boot or some shit goddamn intense

1:25:11

y'all Sherry's now

1:25:13

out cold Oops,

1:25:15

I'm sorry. I kicked your barrette Roxanne

1:25:18

walks off. She don't even care about that husband

1:25:20

of hers. Oh Sorry,

1:25:25

honey Super

1:25:27

weird crossfade into the lemon sauce Kitchen

1:25:30

Oh until Eric lemon sauce mom's kitchen

1:25:33

You got Lenny Higgins lemon soft kid

1:25:35

all the boys are around the table

1:25:37

with lemon sauce mom. She's laid out

1:25:39

an amazing spirit We got waffles. We

1:25:41

got bacon. We got pancakes the fucking

1:25:43

works All right, the guys they look

1:25:45

banged up from the fight. They're looking

1:25:48

at old photos of Eric Eric

1:25:53

pulls a face to mimic his fucked-up

1:25:55

childhood mug. He's still here the boys

1:25:57

laugh their stupid heads off So,

1:26:08

Lenny, I hear you're having another baby? Yeah,

1:26:11

apparently I am,

1:26:13

Mrs. Lamin's love. I

1:26:16

made that one up. Oh, surprise,

1:26:18

huh? That doesn't mean you'll love

1:26:20

it any less. You know, Eric

1:26:23

was a surprise. Mama! His

1:26:25

father and I were in the bathroom at a

1:26:27

Patriots game and... Mama! The

1:26:32

men laugh again because they're all idiots. Crossbait

1:26:34

to the fader master bedroom,

1:26:36

Roxanne is in bed, Lenny

1:26:38

walks in eating chips, squeezing

1:26:41

in one last piece of product placement before it's too

1:26:43

late. Officer

1:26:48

Dante has passed out on the lawn.

1:26:50

I know, I saw him trying to

1:26:52

arrest an anthill. So,

1:26:59

you wanna talk about this baby

1:27:02

thing? We can talk about

1:27:04

it tomorrow. Okay, then

1:27:06

I'll make this between me

1:27:10

and the kid. Lenny passes

1:27:12

in against Roxanne's womb. Not

1:27:14

as weird as it sounds though. Plus

1:27:17

it gives us a nice reason to frame a

1:27:19

shot of those swell high-ack jubblies in a nightgown.

1:27:24

Hello, in there. This

1:27:28

is your daddy speaking. Listen,

1:27:32

I know it's been a crazy day,

1:27:35

but I want you to know that me and

1:27:37

your mom will love you a lot, and

1:27:40

sometimes you'll find yourself

1:27:42

in weird situations in

1:27:45

front of a room full

1:27:47

of strangers in West Hollywood.

1:27:51

But don't worry, because I'm

1:27:53

a grownup. Plus,

1:27:55

scoot me a solid and take ballet

1:27:57

when you get older so that I

1:27:59

can... and see that dance teacher

1:28:01

again. Roxanne Hetzlinny on

1:28:04

the hit. I knew that

1:28:06

was coming. I'm kidding,

1:28:08

because I'm already married

1:28:10

to the most beautiful woman

1:28:13

in the world. Are

1:28:19

you saying sweet things because you want to fool

1:28:21

around? It would be a

1:28:23

nice way to kick off summer.

1:28:31

Okay, but let's make this quick. We've got

1:28:33

a big day tomorrow. Okay,

1:28:36

watch your head in there, dude. The

1:28:45

shot zooms out of the Fader Master bedroom

1:28:47

window with some CGI magic, because apparently there

1:28:49

was some change out of that shitty deer

1:28:51

animation. Honey.

1:28:54

Honey! Letty

1:28:57

know I'm not

1:28:59

wet! Lenny burps,

1:29:02

sneezes and farts in one

1:29:04

fell swoop and destroys the

1:29:06

rest of stainless credibility. I'm

1:29:09

dead, baby!

1:29:12

Congratulations, Bob O'erre. You just got

1:29:15

your box too. Love

1:29:31

ain't no billy goat. Love

1:29:36

don't got no beer. Love

1:29:38

don't need no garden. Love

1:29:40

got regular human eyeballs. Love

1:29:43

don't got spades eyeballs. Love

1:29:45

ain't no billy goat, that's

1:29:47

for sure. Love. Ladies

1:29:57

and gentlemen, thank you very much for the

1:29:59

employees and... Chris I'm

1:30:28

Chris and I'm gonna play! I

1:30:34

thank you to you ladies and gentlemen, your

1:30:37

great part is history tonight! I thank you

1:30:39

to you for your grand old love! What's

1:30:49

up? Love

1:30:52

ain't no billy goat Love

1:30:56

ain't no beer Love

1:30:59

ain't no billy goat Make

1:31:02

a human eyeball Love ain't

1:31:04

no billy goat, that's for

1:31:06

sure Love

1:31:12

ain't no billy goat, that's for sure

1:31:16

I ain't no billy

1:31:18

goat, I'm gonna make a billy goat

1:31:45

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