0:00

I don't think there's a single thing you can put your mind

0:02

to that you will not be able to do. Facts. I

0:05

think you can do more things. That's very factual. Do

0:07

Christ is Shenandoah. Amen. Amen. Amen.

0:09

Amen. Amen. Right, let's go. Let's

0:12

go. Hey, everybody. Hello.

0:14

Hello. Hello. I'm

0:17

in a good mood. I'm so happy.

0:19

I'm in a good mood. I'm

0:21

in a good mood. Honestly. Yeah.

0:24

I'm in a good ass mood, man. And

0:27

I hope these dilemmas don't bring us down, honey.

0:30

But for now, we're in a good mood.

0:32

Hi, everybody. Hello. And welcome to a brand

0:34

new episode of the Receipts podcast. This is

0:36

your receipts, the episode where we

0:38

help you guys out with your problems,

0:40

your dilemmas, your situationships, your work problems,

0:42

and all of that good stuff in

0:44

between. It's your girl,

0:47

Tolly T. And Jess, when

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we ordering. I am. This

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1:52

dilemma. Hi, Mia

1:55

Meals. Your girl needs

1:57

some help. First of all, love you

1:59

guys. Please come. I'm gonna do a tour in North

2:01

America. We need you guys. Now

2:03

my problem. I'm a 26 year old

2:05

African girl living at home with my

2:08

parents and grandparents, and I'm slowly losing

2:10

my mind. My parents are

2:12

amazing, so sweet, and I'm so

2:14

grateful that I don't have to pay bills and

2:16

I can stay here. However, I think

2:19

I'm slowly going crazy. I

2:22

was a very happy, energetic,

2:24

extroverted person. However, since

2:28

the pandemic lately, I've been obsessed

2:30

with silence and solitude. I

2:32

need everything to be quiet. I

2:34

can't function in people in my area, slash

2:36

space. I can't clean anything unless I don't

2:39

see anyone. I instantly get in a bad

2:41

mood when I see someone home and I

2:43

just start crying because why do I feel

2:45

this way? My African family

2:47

are holders and my house is a mess.

2:50

We have junk from Ghana everywhere, and

2:52

my house is literally the opposite of

2:54

aesthetically pleasing. I never want anyone

2:56

to come over, and with my parents and my

2:58

people, I get so embarrassed at the mess, but

3:00

they don't care. I try cleaning and

3:03

helping, but when I clean, it's not even rewarding

3:05

because it still looks the same. I

3:07

would say I carry myself very well outside of

3:09

my house, and I love clean spaces. Minimalism

3:11

is my style. My Pinterest

3:14

Wishboard looks like a straight-up architectural

3:16

digest magazine. But my house?

3:19

Ha, the opposite. Members, not your house. I

3:22

am getting depressed because I feel so ungrateful. My

3:24

family is very traditional and it is impossible to

3:26

move back or get my own space before

3:29

marriage. They believe in

3:32

invite harm to your life, and the community will shun us. It's

3:34

so stupid, I know. But I'm the only child

3:36

and my parents only have me. I can't just

3:38

leave them to shame. New

3:40

York is very expensive. It's roughly 3K for a

3:42

one bedroom apartment the size of a shoe box

3:45

with rats, and I don't have much savings. I

3:48

feel trapped. I don't know what to

3:50

do. I don't want to just run and get married

3:52

to escape my house because that's another life chapter

3:54

that I'm not ready to open yet. I'm 10

3:56

and 27 next month, and I

3:58

feel like I'm not able to. to throw into the woman

4:00

I want to be, come. My

4:04

life has been interrupted. I am at a

4:06

stage in my life where I really appreciate

4:08

being a girl. I want to come out

4:10

of the shower, put on a cute robe,

4:12

some oil, perfume, walk to my kitchen, have

4:14

a glass of wine, pet my cat, and

4:16

watch my show. My mom's a total opposite

4:18

of me. She doesn't care about being feminine,

4:20

matching underwear, and lighting a candle, pleats. She

4:22

thinks that's white people's stuff. And that's socials

4:24

for television by Americans. How can

4:26

I live like this? When I come out of

4:29

the shower, I trip on the get-them-up bucket, get

4:31

yelled at for showing my body, vibes, and matching

4:33

pajamas, when I have my grandpa in the house,

4:35

and get asked why I get so much body

4:37

butt on to sleep when I'm going to be

4:40

in my bedsheets. And my dramatic

4:42

finesse is putting a block on me, becoming

4:44

my own woman. I can't find myself. I

4:46

can't access myself in cleaning, cooking, and organizing.

4:49

I don't want to be a lazy bum. I just want to

4:51

be a girl. I want to bake

4:53

and smell nice and feel beautiful and come home

4:55

to a beautiful clean house. Please help me, guys.

4:57

Am I being ungrateful because I'm not paying and

4:59

feel this way? Or am I being dramatic because

5:01

I feel like this is truly ruining the woman

5:03

I'm trying to become for myself? So for long

5:05

time, everyone, I have no one to talk to,

5:07

as all my friends are married and have their

5:09

own spaces so they can't relate. All their parents

5:11

have big houses and have multiple rooms and

5:13

backyards to escape to. Love you, guys. Any

5:16

advice? Help. Oh, God.

5:19

There's a lot going on here. First of all,

5:21

I feel like her wanting to live in solitude

5:23

and not speak to anybody and be a

5:26

bit of a recluse is definitely to do

5:28

with your environment. The older I

5:30

got, the more I understood the importance of

5:32

your environment being how you want it to

5:34

be. Because I really do believe that that

5:37

helps you to function. Your

5:39

surroundings help you to function. I don't care

5:41

what anybody says. So I definitely understand that.

5:43

And I hear the hoarding thing. It's

5:47

something that a lot of our parents deal with.

5:49

And it's not nice. I get it. I feel

5:53

like really and truly the only

5:58

outside of doing all of those things that you need. mentioned

6:00

to your room because I don't know if she

6:02

really went into that. That's my thing as well. Yeah,

6:04

about what her really is. Yeah, my thing is do

6:06

it to your room. Yeah. Because when I lived with

6:08

my mum as well, I love my mum with her

6:11

six. I was like, what the fuck is this? Like,

6:13

as in it wasn't stuff I liked, but

6:16

also, sorry. Like, it's not my home. This is

6:18

her space and she does with it how she

6:20

wants. What I did do is in my room,

6:22

I made that a haven that

6:24

I liked. I made it a space that represented

6:26

how I was trying to live. Of course, my

6:28

budget, of course, but it was like my own

6:31

space. You could have all the perfumes, all of

6:33

the bath oils, all of that. Like, I don't

6:35

see anything wrong with the romanticizing of

6:37

your life, but I really want to get yourself out

6:39

of your head that it has to look perfect in

6:41

order for it to be romanticized. And I do think,

6:44

I do have your mum a little bit, not in

6:46

the right people's shed, not at all, but I

6:48

think you are influenced by TikTok. Definitely.

6:50

That social network, which makes you assume that you

6:52

have to live in this aesthetically pleasing

6:54

environment in order to be able to look

6:56

after yourself and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

6:58

blah. These things are not mutually

7:01

exclusive. It's, do you know what I mean? Exactly. You can

7:03

have all of the bath oils. You can do all of that, look

7:05

after yourself. And yeah, your space cannot look like that yet. Because

7:09

it's not just your own space. And I think it's

7:11

worth considering everybody else that's in your space. Things like

7:13

why you have bath oils, that's not their problem. You

7:15

like it in it. Yeah, whatever. They're going to talk.

7:17

But I think carry on doing all the things that

7:20

make you feel good in your space, because this is

7:22

temporary, right? It's not what you're going to be forever.

7:25

If you feel like you have to say that you get married,

7:27

eventually you might feel ready to get married and then you move.

7:29

Or eventually you might be like, no,

7:31

I'm just going to move. Like, I'm not going to

7:34

wait till I get married. I'm just going to be,

7:36

my mum was huge on me

7:38

not moving until I got married. Like, to the

7:40

point that I remember, like, one of my biggest arguments ahead of

7:43

my mum was like, Jimin, like, I've been saving for ages.

7:45

I mean, like, I'm going to buy my own house, saving

7:47

for ages. And I hadn't told her. And I think I,

7:50

like, because it was during lockdown, I was like, I just

7:52

get the fuck out of this house. Yeah,

7:54

I was like, I need to get... Out

7:57

of this house ASAP. And

7:59

but I remember when I... I said to her, I said, oh, mum, I've

8:01

started looking at houses to buy. And I was really like, I'm

8:03

gonna include you. Now come with me. So I didn't want her

8:05

to feel like I was just leaving her and blah, blah, blah,

8:07

blah. So I was like, you know, come with me to that,

8:10

come and see this house. I was like, I'm gonna buy

8:12

a house. Mum said, no, you're not. I was like, yes, I

8:14

am. She's like, no, you're not leaving to house until you get

8:16

married. And I was like, I didn't remember she said

8:18

something. She was like, oh no, you went by a

8:20

house by yourself in Jesus name. Is that because both your sisters

8:22

got married, moved out when they got married? When they got

8:24

married. And also she saw it as, she

8:27

didn't see it as a positive. She saw it as like,

8:29

oh my God, I've accepted that my life is gonna be

8:32

by myself. She's like, oh my God,

8:34

this girl has not got comfortable with not having a

8:36

partner. So she literally, she was like, oh God forbid,

8:38

you went by a house by yourself. And I looked

8:40

at her and I was like, mum, take that back. I

8:42

said, don't confuse God. I

8:44

said, no, you dare, confuse God. Don't

8:47

say one point. Don't say another prayer. Take

8:50

that back. What? Now. Because

8:53

your prayers are strong, mum. You've got

8:55

that song on, you know, that powerful

8:57

praying song, take it back. Don't confuse

8:59

God, please. Don't, like, don't piss me

9:01

off. So we had that whole thing

9:03

where my mum was adamant that I wasn't moving

9:05

out until I got married sort of thing. And then you

9:07

get to an age where you do

9:09

what you want. Like, I understand

9:11

it. Cause your title was True African Parents and you were

9:13

Westing Girl. But you have to fly, man. You have to

9:16

have a life of a queen. And I know you are

9:18

not there yet, right? And I don't think you have to

9:20

really, I mean, I didn't move out until I was like

9:22

31. I don't think you're like, oh,

9:24

I'm going to go now. Go whenever you're financially ready

9:26

and capable to do so. But

9:30

you don't say, oh, I'm just going to wait till I

9:32

get married. If it's just actually getting too much, you can

9:34

afford to go. Go, 100%. Go.

9:37

That's what I was going to say. My thing

9:39

was going to be like, you didn't really, I

9:41

mean, you mentioned New York being expensive, but you

9:43

didn't really talk about your financial situation and how

9:45

much of a reality is that for you? Cause

9:48

if it is a reality and you're feeling this

9:50

way, I would really start putting

9:52

the gears in motion to start aiming to move

9:54

out. Because yeah, I think waiting for marriage is

9:57

one thing. And yeah, that's what your parents want

9:59

for you. Somebody requirements look Harrison not

10:01

gonna disown me because you me about I know

10:03

and out whatever Like as I know that sometimes

10:05

parents make threats and stuff either and I mean

10:07

other they will have they may very well they

10:09

lied matter that your parents a sweet and lovely

10:11

and is it all these will decline things about

10:13

them so I don't see them designing you because

10:15

he said so What moment that I need to

10:17

me about. That yet if is

10:19

a reality Start lessons. Was it because I

10:21

think as much as I feel I feel

10:23

you life. Is. An unrealistic often

10:25

promotes make noise mouse yes and you'll get into

10:28

a point where like that is frustrating knees and

10:30

you're. Becoming feather in sibat like living in

10:32

solitude and become an have a clue that's

10:34

not reality. I'm sorry you live. Other people

10:36

designed to be noise is gonna be other

10:38

people that have been. I see them bustling

10:40

around the house. So yeah, I'd sleep with

10:42

a bit of an unrealistic expectation of so

10:45

you guys while boss Yes, stop when. When.

10:47

Things in action to stop moving out. I

10:49

feel like. Outside of doing, suit

10:51

up your own room and Clayton the

10:54

haven for yourself. Moving. As the

10:56

only this and is is the only other option.

10:58

Said. He had, I suppose settlements one

11:00

hundred and. Six When a mood it just makes

11:02

your space in like even if you don't. Have

11:04

young moon beams yes I wasn't I may be my share

11:06

it with someone in a family of the only child I

11:08

see me. Have your own. We. Make that space

11:10

as you was possible. Impact it might even

11:13

say good example for the best A bad

11:15

yeah exactly it's and really it's really no

11:17

one should. Have. Any say about what you do but

11:19

the in your boss with nobody buys and or that stuff

11:21

what you need that a for the I am wishes are

11:23

the ones that want to be used that the most. anyway

11:26

like that no one's business. I wouldn't let that put the

11:28

Yemen's he bought and I should. Be. Bothered by how your

11:30

mom sees her body and have the year that

11:32

entire half empty or that's how yeah you do

11:34

what it is that he wants to do with

11:36

your this you once you oil up your body

11:38

from they i went back into bed under them

11:40

I did we want we want to teach and

11:42

know what yeah when she was listing. All the

11:44

things that she by mans a sizable these yes

11:46

source of the when I was gonna be like

11:48

call you know don't women's side living a lie

11:50

because it's always that. That was not until I

11:52

saw that six outcasts and they would who committed

11:54

a novice. Miss know she's that really

11:57

tall. Woman as the woman issues

11:59

marriage that. Happened in the he could line

12:01

and. And she makes everything from scratch

12:03

or yet a massive amount of. Sunlight. Of

12:05

it I will not allow Bioware is this

12:08

is like my office, the Game and the

12:10

White Man in family. I. Will make

12:12

the bucket and some months they've met

12:14

someone sits one of her videos and

12:16

was like this is unrealistic and it's

12:18

unfair. So I pulled him out this and with

12:20

a sixty to put this out for people it's

12:23

not in I is not doable but the prime

12:25

and some of this her to be like. For.

12:27

You Fitness. Not. Like

12:30

how we think the not be little you

12:32

will you see you as he was by

12:34

at into the day of her life from

12:36

bit as gave us yeah thirty look amazing

12:38

be thin the makes you from scratch. You

12:41

know, Hey, it's were husband K it's A Had

12:43

made a lot of sense in eight seconds. Had a

12:45

C has the last. Ah, that permits. Has.

12:47

To be able to see that and I use he

12:49

can do that and like he reads the size of

12:51

because maybe you don't have the capabilities. Or the

12:53

abilities Mchale made a big a place he

12:55

was less. People need to remember that everyone

12:57

is different. People have different energy level. They

12:59

have difference. You know, different incomes. They have

13:01

different expectations. Have different goals at the same

13:03

any country in factors that determine what you

13:05

can. A countries that common here. Projects.

13:08

And you'll see as you're know able to do and

13:10

I think you know and I set myself club and

13:12

needy. Got a d that will that will not. actually.

13:14

is that how you envision your last. Absolutely have

13:16

bad Imo to be up here They had

13:18

it is very much as like what I

13:20

learned a little but I am I had

13:22

sex before I mean inside my house I

13:24

will perhaps at is consistent fantasy of calm

13:26

me down my says inside a movie who

13:29

and to stamps my kitchen making a coffee for

13:31

in May the cannot loud and out that it

13:33

was just of be a cabin fences the animals

13:35

I don't need that. He. Says nice

13:37

the I think hold on to that they

13:39

shrunk the you go down the stretch a

13:42

pet you make your coffee. don't need the

13:44

I think there was something so fuckin' amazed

13:46

and powerful about having a baby Tully image

13:48

of how you what not to be and.

13:50

I. promise you if i had this vision is

13:53

all that have consistently about com is ah

13:55

my says in a lovely why i've got

13:57

so many by now because i can move

13:59

the fantasy and I make a coffee, I make

14:01

a tea, or I have a glass of wine, and I just dance

14:04

and just have this space. And every

14:06

time I get to do it, it's

14:08

like, I'm so happy. And

14:11

there's nobody there to see it, it's not being

14:13

filmed. I'm just having a good time. And I'm

14:15

so happy that the fantasies I had for myself,

14:18

I made it through. Also, don't lose that fantasy. I

14:20

promise you one day, you are gonna

14:22

live it. It's such a realistic

14:24

fantasy, such a fantasy that you can almost touch

14:26

and taste. And you explain it so vividly. You

14:28

can touch and taste it, and you are gonna

14:31

get it. But for now, just make your room

14:33

your haven. And the reason why

14:35

everyone's pissing you off is, there are times when we get,

14:37

we outgrow a space. And

14:40

these people can do nothing wrong to you, but every thing they

14:42

do is, like it's

14:44

in gear on your nerves, because you have

14:46

outgrown it. And I think it's

14:48

very normal as well, especially as women. Yeah,

14:53

I think it really is just a natural

14:55

thing where you're kind of not competing, but you're

14:57

two grown women in the house. That's what it is. It's

15:00

gonna be combat. You're two grown women in the

15:02

house. And one thing she's in charge of the other day. Right, still,

15:05

exactly. And on some levels, because you're still under

15:07

the roof, there is still a certain

15:09

level of control, but you're also a grown up. It's a

15:11

very conflicting time. And I was talking about this with my

15:13

brother, because all three of us went through the exact same

15:15

thing, and he's kind of going through it now. And

15:17

it's just a power struggle that is very

15:20

natural and very normal. But also, just to

15:22

follow up on what you were saying, Tolly,

15:24

about the fantasy, don't let it die, because

15:26

also, I feel like that's a form of

15:28

motivation. And I feel like the minute

15:30

you let people stomp on it, and I was about to, then I

15:32

checked myself. When you let people

15:34

stomp that out, then you're less likely to work

15:37

towards it. And as someone that

15:39

moved out when I got married, and Tolly has brought

15:41

her own house and lives alone, I could not stress

15:43

to you the importance, if it's possible, I know it's

15:45

not financially possible for everybody to live alone as a

15:48

young woman, if you can. Even if

15:50

it's like living with housemates, Or living with

15:52

a cousin, or living with your sister, and having

15:54

your own place. If You can live alone alone,

15:56

I Could not recommend it highly enough. I Think

15:59

it's a really, really... The transformative my

16:01

for you as a woman before

16:03

you settle down and I didn't

16:05

get the have that. And.

16:07

One of the things I really wish I

16:10

love it has his I I personally think

16:12

it's so important am I actually think that.

16:14

It's a beneficial. Moment in time before

16:16

you do get married. Since the have the

16:18

Alliance I'm Living Alliance. Figuring out like have some

16:20

Gaston it was the and made the call and

16:22

something quite less. all of those things diplomats must

16:25

have. independent lab has made him in Helsinki size

16:27

on and I think that I'm glad he grew

16:29

up in and the came back from a sense

16:31

have after back from the kind of the hell

16:33

does not to the A by like my mom

16:35

was side of met like watts like this is

16:37

bad liar you decided that you're not going to

16:39

be by yourself she just thought it was to

16:41

bed she so I've got comfortable. With. Him

16:44

and. I. Will if I. Have. Yet to

16:46

decide a good laugh like whoa whoa

16:48

is my have I have a white

16:50

house I have a great life and.

16:53

Jag. Never that they suffer Enlightened

16:55

said his mom at nine that yeah, I did

16:57

that me via Zephyr. I love that!

17:00

He. And what have I live but then backbone

17:02

up the body will make you grow up

17:04

because anything I leave a comeback in a suit

17:06

up the a wedding but notably is much like

17:08

hide it Up sees. However when he leaves

17:10

what she's taking combating you know know what's at

17:12

stake. Here's

17:15

a cool fact. A crocodile can't

17:17

stick out its tongue. Another

17:19

cool fact? You can get short-term

17:21

health insurance for a month or just under a year

17:23

in some states. UnitedHealthcare short-term insurance

17:25

plans are designed for people who are between

17:28

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Pay it directly for find many to go

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to your hats place. down

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the pipeline as right now and

17:52

say that the sixty percent on

17:54

hotels whether it's cousins heaviness conceal

17:56

concert and stuff heaven or betty

17:58

the bachelorette simple me that You

18:00

never have to miss a trip ever again. To download

18:02

the price line app today, you're seeing them

18:04

waiting. Oh, do you have any

18:06

say for a happy

18:09

price? Do you

18:11

have any price, price line? Because

18:14

I can't guarantee that. My mum

18:16

hasn't been there to cut it up and put it in the bin. Bro!

18:18

Oh, man. But there was one

18:20

thing, I used to always think that my mum did it, but it turns

18:22

out it's me. It's tea bags and

18:24

the sink. Oh, you did

18:27

it. Well, that's not my mum's house, right? It's

18:29

like, oh, wow, it's me. I'm

18:31

the problem. I'm the one that leaves tea bags and the sink.

18:33

But anyway, next dilemma. I saw you really well in debt with

18:35

that. Yeah, we did. Next

18:37

dilemma. It's done. Hey, girls. Hello.

18:41

I'll start by saying I love the pod. Love you so much.

18:43

Both of you girls are amazing, hilarious, and really

18:45

loved how we've come into 2024 and

18:47

feel like you're really in your independent era. Why, thank you.

18:51

Anyway, my dilemma. Sorry if this is a little bit long. I'll

18:54

try and keep it short and sweet. Myself and my boyfriend have

18:56

been together for four years. He has his friendship group, who

18:58

I was introduced to at the start, and obviously

19:00

all their girlfriends. At first, we all

19:03

seemed to get along. I was the

19:05

new one in the dynamic, but I'll get along with anyone. A

19:08

few years in, and there's been situations where we, as

19:10

a couple, have been left

19:12

out of plans. In particular, one of the girls seemed to

19:14

be a little bit off. I tried to address this with

19:16

her, and she totally denied there being an issue. I

19:19

hadn't upset her, and there was no issue. So

19:21

we moved on, and I thought that everything was

19:23

fine. Fast forward a

19:25

year, and this girl, her fiancé, my boyfriend's

19:27

friend, are getting married in a few months,

19:30

and we're all invited to the wedding in

19:32

Greece. For context, there's four couples,

19:34

including us, in the group. We're all invited

19:36

to the wedding. Myself and my boyfriend have planned to

19:38

share accommodation with others to make it affordable. Whilst

19:41

trying to arrange plans for travel and accommodation,

19:43

I found out that the other couples have

19:45

been invited to stay at the wedding villa,

19:47

and myself and my boyfriend have not. One

19:50

of the girls let this slip to me, and

19:53

I'm now where the only couple that are having to stay outside

19:55

of the area with no one to share accommodation with, and the

19:57

place they are getting married is not in abundance

19:59

with hope. tells. The bride messaged me because

20:01

she found out the girl let it slip

20:03

to me and was apologizing saying she knows

20:05

how it looks. I've replied and been honest and

20:08

I think it's unfair to leave us out and

20:10

not think how that leaves us

20:12

without anyone to share with and to travel with

20:14

as we are literally the only people not staying

20:16

at the wedding venue. At this

20:18

point it's looking like it's going to

20:21

cost us about 750 each for three

20:23

nights with flights included including food etc.

20:25

My dilemma is I don't want to

20:27

go. I'm pretty pissed off

20:29

about the accommodation. It feels like we've been

20:32

totally left out without any consideration for us.

20:34

I feel like it's hard because they aren't my

20:36

friends and I don't want to be the one

20:38

to rock the boat but I think it's really

20:40

shitty behaviour. I don't know how to go about

20:42

things. For context I'm 30 years old and I

20:45

don't feel the need to be forcing friendships with

20:47

people who I feel are being childish and bitchy.

20:49

If this was any of my friends I would feel the

20:52

same. Am I right to be pissed off? Would you

20:54

feel left out? My boyfriend feels shit about it too

20:56

but won't really address it with his friend. Any

20:58

advice would be greatly appreciated and lots of love.

21:01

I wouldn't go. I'm not even joking. It's

21:03

not even a beef thing. It's actually not

21:05

a problem. Hey, ultimately you actually can't afford it.

21:07

Sometimes 50 each is a lot of money. Yeah

21:09

that is a lot of money. And lots of

21:11

money. I think people have to consider that with

21:13

weddings that are not in this country. People are

21:15

allowed to be like, hey I can't

21:17

afford it. And here's what it is. I actually

21:19

wouldn't go. I'm not joking. Yeah no I hear

21:21

that. I mean no one can argue with the money

21:23

thing. It's not like you're making it up. It is a

21:26

lot of money. And you was going

21:28

to split with other people initially. Now you can't spend one

21:30

of us giving the luxury of staying on the villa. I'm

21:32

not going. Because I'm not going to the world. You were

21:34

going to spend 350 and now you're

21:36

spending 750. Exactly. Like that is

21:39

completely valid. I'm wondering,

21:41

was it done on purpose? I don't know. I don't think we expressed

21:43

a say. But I just thought you guys are not that close.

21:45

Exactly. She probably just feels like she's the newest

21:47

girlfriend on the block as well. Yeah I don't know. I think it's

21:50

giving that. So maybe they just felt like they

21:52

had to privatise the people that they've known longer.

21:54

But I don't know. I mean when you're planning

21:56

to within it's a lot and I can imagine

21:58

the stress being doubled the destination was

22:01

in, but they could have found a solution

22:03

that was a bit more inclusive. I don't

22:05

know, but I think that's neither here nor there. I

22:08

would just say, hey babe, we're doing the math and we actually

22:10

can't afford to go. I might fix my wife and

22:12

I'll be like, babe, I can't afford to do this. Yeah. If he

22:15

wants to go, maybe they can squeeze him

22:17

in. At least that's 750 that you don't have to spend.

22:19

Let him go, that's his phone. But I'm not even joking.

22:21

I wouldn't go. I don't see the offence. What's

22:24

my offence? I can't afford it. Yeah.

22:27

I'm not coming. I think that's fair. I think that's

22:29

the best case scenario really. Yeah. I don't really know

22:31

what else to say because you're not going to go what,

22:34

you're going to have an argument with the bride. I'll give them

22:36

a lovely wedding gift at most, it'll cost £350. That's

22:39

less than £750. So that's what

22:41

I'll do. I'll give them a lovely wedding gift. Happy

22:43

wedding life, happy wedding day. Yeah. Love

22:45

your life, huns. Yeah. Do

22:48

you think weddings are broader or selfish? No,

22:51

I don't know. Because I feel like nothing

22:54

is by force. If you don't want to go, you don't have to go. Do

22:56

you know what I mean? I don't think

22:58

that for your wedding, you should do what you want to

23:00

do. I don't think you should accommodate the matters and what's

23:02

convenient for everybody else. You guys want to

23:04

get married in Greece? Get married in Greece. But

23:06

at the same token, be prepared that maybe some

23:08

of your loved ones may not be able to come. Not

23:11

everyone can afford to travel and all the rest of it.

23:13

So I think it's like a double-edged sword. But no, I

23:15

think ultimately people should do what they want to do. Yeah.

23:18

I want to get married in Barcelona. Yeah. So

23:21

yummy. I think it's a nice thing to do because there's other

23:23

things to do outside of the wedding. Yeah. That's quite right. And

23:25

it's not so remote as well. Yeah. Right.

23:28

Next time, Mum. Next time, Mum.

23:30

Hi, Audrey and Tawny. Oh, hello.

23:32

Hello. I have to say

23:34

I love your podcast. I've been a

23:36

Day One listener since SoundCloud days. Really? You've

23:39

invited me to the form, Tawny. SoundCloud,

23:41

but you could blend. Bam. You could listen

23:43

to us and be on the train. No, you're

23:45

invisible. Pick your belt. Pick what if you would travel

23:48

or listen. Pick

23:50

what or the two. Because that

23:52

volume Level wasn't good. Thank you so much. We

23:54

appreciate you. I Love seeing you both. Go To the

23:56

people who you are. I Love seeing you both. Going

24:00

to go straight into the plane. I love my

24:02

fiance that for hims semi and we have been

24:04

together for a with the his family and I

24:06

up by says he's outta that. it limits get

24:08

off of just over two years He is literally

24:11

the love of my life. I didn't see Martha

24:13

was anyone. Who didn't eat? leverage? On.

24:18

Flights in the South Pole, both

24:21

of whom. I'm

24:23

not sure if it's just because the honeybee to it

24:25

is a bar. oh I'm just get into it from

24:27

my a man. A. Couple of months ago

24:29

of a second floor debate nice or

24:31

something and he would say fact, it's

24:34

too expensive and cost of living is

24:36

too high. I suggested for date night

24:38

at home. We could cook together like

24:40

fish yeah I am say some games

24:42

watch me based. Nothing happened for weeks

24:44

so I thought maybe I should say

24:46

initiative and get things happening. For. The

24:48

trade game nights made up thanks to play

24:50

and it was great the week after he

24:52

funny to see she my at home off

24:54

the week of me sibling him. It's been

24:56

a couple of months since the had any

24:58

full suffice. I gave up fine and ask

25:00

now I can't the had been around him

25:02

as I know what to do it breaks

25:04

my heart Sometimes he sees me when I'm

25:06

visit the upset and he asked me what

25:08

flung i say nothing is on because I've

25:10

sold him for months. What's long he mostly

25:12

suggests he mostly to just to me have

25:15

alone time for what she wants. You. To. Lose

25:17

your more time on. And. Just along with

25:19

it because I'm tired, he doesn't put any

25:21

effort and submission shape behind each half. decent

25:23

diplomatic of five minutes before the off the

25:25

sex. Or six is dead. but that's it.

25:28

I really don't want to break up because that

25:30

would kill me. Safe spots open for him hasn't.

25:32

What? What can I days is is just a

25:34

rough patch. She. Is gals one of

25:36

your biggest fan. Of.

25:39

God, this is tricky. To the By easy. Still

25:41

love you, They still have him and you just

25:43

wouldn't Him separatists up for as. A normal

25:45

relationship discipline I might want one near as

25:47

yeah. I think he is definitely by full

25:49

at the reason why this is. A. Bit different

25:51

as because she's vocalizing what she wants This is not

25:54

asking for law. Yet she wants it. Sounds that

25:56

quality time you won't date nights. He didn't

25:58

want to do to date night because it was living says. very

26:00

valid and you've come up with other solutions as to what

26:02

would make you happy and he's still resisting

26:04

and that's just very annoying so I can see why that would

26:06

be the ick, do you know what I mean? Do you

26:10

know what to be fair the word here is not the ick, it's

26:13

not trivialising what you're feeling yeah it's not

26:15

like the ick is just like oh I

26:17

saw his one cat, it's the ick, it's

26:19

not the ick, you're frustrating your piss club

26:21

because your partner your fiance won't do things

26:23

with you, your piss, this ick, it's not

26:26

small, it's not a small matter. Yeah that's

26:28

a very good point.

26:30

The fact that it makes you upset like you're

26:32

probably really upset about it, it's not an ick

26:34

and ick is just something like, it's a quick

26:36

ick and you carry on, it's very trivial or

26:38

you know he said excuse me and nobody answered

26:40

him, he tried to get into a load of

26:42

motorway and nobody let him in. Those are icks

26:45

right but my man don't want to

26:47

spend time with me begging for date

26:49

nights. Yeah like me saying

26:51

I want this and you're not listening, that's not the

26:53

ick that's a big fucking issue right and that's

26:56

an issue on when you eventually meet with someone

26:58

they get comfortable. In their mind I see you

27:00

all the time we're spending those fun together so

27:02

what do you mean but I think what you

27:04

require is intentional time, you require quality time. Quality.

27:06

Like I'd rather not see you for a little

27:08

while if I'm gonna it's like an actually exchange

27:10

it for quality time rather than just like a

27:13

oh we sat down and banged our phones watching tele that's

27:15

not quality time to me. You might also go up

27:17

I didn't go upstairs then. Yeah yeah yeah for real.

27:20

So I do think you should actually be

27:22

honest with yourself about what you're feeling. I don't

27:24

think you should leave him, I don't think you

27:26

should leave him matter but I do think maybe

27:28

when you tell him you're like be

27:32

firm. Yeah be hard. Like

27:34

make it be like babe this is really upsetting

27:36

me and when he says what's wrong don't say

27:38

nothing you are a grown woman. When

27:40

you say nothing they'll believe there's nothing. And he said I probably

27:42

just said that period or something. Yeah yeah yeah. Or I should

27:44

talk to you about herself. Stop minimizing

27:46

how you feel. No there is something wrong you're an

27:49

adult communicate I'm not going to keep saying nothing nothing

27:51

nothing. I'm going to ah me I could moan I'll

27:53

keep talking to the cows come home. Until you do

27:56

right by me I will

27:58

keep talking. Stop saying. nothing, say

28:00

what's bothering you and say it until

28:02

it's fixed. Yeah, say it with your chest

28:04

because like, because I honestly would say that

28:07

this is a good enough reason to

28:09

leave someone because to me, you're not compatible. Like

28:11

if one person is so

28:14

like, I like one thing that always spins me

28:17

is when people are on such different, because

28:19

I would assume that if you would speak at the

28:21

end of the interview, he thinks everything's fine. Do you know what

28:23

I mean? So to me, when people are on such different

28:25

pages, it makes me think, how have

28:27

we gotten here? Like how are we so

28:29

detached? Why would you not think everything's fine when

28:31

every time he asks, he says nothing. True.

28:34

True. He just thinks you're on mood account. Yeah,

28:36

yeah, yeah. He just thinks you're on mood account.

28:38

Yeah, exactly. I think, yeah, exactly. Before we can

28:40

even get to all of that, you need to

28:42

be firm. Like if you haven't tried that, then

28:44

what I was going to say makes sense because

28:46

you've tried and you've exhausted all measures. But yeah, you

28:48

need to really, really put your foot down and let

28:51

him know that you're actually very serious about what you're

28:53

saying and that quality time is something

28:55

that you, yeah, it's important to you. It's your love

28:57

language, whatever, whatever. But yeah, because for

28:59

me, that's a big thing. Like I'm telling you

29:02

something because sometimes it's not even about what I'm

29:04

asking for. It's just the resistance. Like I find

29:06

that very problematic in people because in relationships, you're

29:08

supposed to be compromised. I'm sorry, if you don't

29:11

understand that in a relationship, you shouldn't be in

29:13

one. And for him to have for you to

29:15

be vocalizing what you want and being very specific

29:17

about your needs, you haven't been vague. You

29:20

know, you really pin like narrowed it down to

29:22

what you want to find details. Like you said,

29:24

see, she's like, how much more fucking details does

29:26

one person need? Do you know what I mean?

29:28

And he's still resisting like, cause for some

29:31

guys, they just don't want to listen to a woman.

29:33

And like, I look at things like that

29:35

and I don't know what, yeah, just

29:37

be firm with him, see how we

29:39

respond and don't give him an, give him

29:41

an ultimatum about giving him an ultimatum. Do you know what I

29:43

mean? Let it be known that like you really feel away about

29:45

this and there may be consequences if he

29:47

doesn't abide. But yeah, you have to be, you have

29:49

to be, you have to be strong

29:52

and firm. Yeah. And I think when

29:54

you do just a little bit of Jesus, you should

29:56

do a date night. No, no, it's gone past that.

29:58

Yeah. We've got the place of like, it's actually really

30:00

affecting me in my relationship that you don't, it feels like you

30:02

don't want to spend time with me. You don't want to spend

30:04

quality time with me. I am not

30:06

happy in this because of this. So

30:09

it's not just some stuff, oh babe we should

30:11

do date night. No, no, no. Say why the

30:13

lack of things is affecting you. You

30:15

know? That's what I would say.

30:17

Oh, family strong, strong agree. Next

30:20

dilemma. Next dilemma. Ooh, my friends and

30:22

family think my boyfriend is using me.

30:25

Why that's so. Damn. Okay,

30:27

let's go. Hi, Tolly and Audrey.

30:29

As per receipt's tradition, I need to start

30:31

by giving you guys your flowers. Thank you

30:34

for being the biggest sisters I've never had

30:36

and congrats Audrey on your daughter. Thank you.

30:38

Excited to see what the podcast will be like

30:40

this year, wishing you nothing but success and happiness.

30:42

Thank you. I'm a 31 year

30:44

old woman who last year decided to end my

30:46

eight year relationship as I was no longer happy

30:49

and felt the urge to be single. Okay, urge.

30:51

I decided I was going to be single for

30:53

a while and focus on myself. However, two months

30:55

of being single, I meet someone on a night

30:57

out. Let's call him Sam. The next

30:59

day I blocked his number as I realised this was

31:01

not what I needed right now. That's some good strength

31:04

right now. But few days after the night out, I get

31:06

a random call which turns out to be him. He

31:09

used his friend's phone to contact

31:11

me. I decided to

31:13

unblock him and we started texting, strike

31:16

calling, nonstop for two weeks. Moving

31:18

on, we are now a couple and we've been

31:21

together for eight months. The urge has gone. The

31:23

urge left the building. The

31:26

dilemma is, my friends

31:28

and family think Sam is using me. Sam

31:30

is a Nigerian international student. That

31:33

meant, what's up, honey? That meant much money, that's not good.

31:35

That's not good. In England. When

31:37

I met Sam, he had only been in the UK

31:39

for six months. I know Nigerian men get a lot

31:41

of bad press but my friends and family think Sam

31:44

is using me for a visa to remain in the

31:46

UK. Due to this, I've

31:48

had to cut friends as they've made racial comments

31:50

which I do not agree with at all. Most

31:53

people in my life have something negative to say

31:55

about my relationship or Sam, which is really hurtful.

31:57

Sam is someone I see a future with but it's really hard to

31:59

say. hard when I have so many negative

32:01

comments. Sam of course is upset about these

32:04

comments as he has not

32:06

met any of my friends but

32:08

they are judging him because he is Nigerian. I

32:10

don't want to cut more friends or family off

32:12

but I'm not sure how much more I can take

32:14

and worried this will push Sam away from me. Are my

32:17

friends and family just having my back? Any advice

32:19

would be great. Sorry if this is long. Thanks.

32:24

I mean, look at me. I'm like,

32:26

I'm the resident Nigerian. I'm the resident

32:28

Nigerian. Look, he

32:32

could be, he could not be. Literally,

32:35

he could not be and he

32:37

could be. Anybody could be using you

32:39

for anything. I think the stereotype is quite

32:41

hurtful. I think to just assume that because

32:43

he is this Nigerian student here that he's

32:46

using you for a visa. I think the

32:48

fact that he's a student here, do you

32:50

know how much an international visa? Very expensive.

32:52

It's like, fees for

32:55

British citizens are 9k a year. What

32:57

do you think international students are paying? He's

32:59

doing alright.

33:02

And the Nigerian is shit at the

33:04

moment. So he's doing alright to convert that Nairobi to pounds to

33:06

be able to pay for that whatever 23 grand school fees he's

33:09

paying. So there's that. But also the idea that he's

33:12

using you to remain or say you actually won't know.

33:14

As long as what you feel with Sam is genuine,

33:16

that's all that matters. I think it gets to a

33:18

point where you don't need to tell your friends everything.

33:20

Get funny boyfriend Sam as a student. I don't think

33:23

you need to say, oh, he's a man who is

33:25

a international student. You don't need

33:27

to tell them his life story. I think people are

33:29

going to have their judgments. People are going to think,

33:31

oh, be careful, whatever, whatever. And I think like you

33:34

said, the racial comments are not necessary. I

33:36

wonder if she, what race she is or what?

33:38

I think she feels like not black. Yeah, that's

33:40

what I was saying. Yeah. And maybe they just

33:42

watch one team and they say, well, 90 day

33:44

fiance. But I think it's the thing of you

33:46

don't need to tell them everything. Like if you

33:48

know what it is, if you, when you are

33:50

with Sam, don't feel like the Sam, don't feel

33:52

like Sam is using you for papers or whatever,

33:54

then you don't feel like that. There's actually no

33:56

way to know. Also, such is the only every

33:58

love story. There's no way to know. someone's true

34:00

intentions outside of what you feel.

34:02

Right. And you don't know too,

34:04

you know, I don't think love and relationship exists

34:06

without a thing of risk. I

34:09

totally agree. I feel like it's almost like trying

34:11

to be like, if you said, Sam proposed to

34:13

you after four months, please be careful. You

34:17

have the power of the situation. You can only get right

34:19

to remain if you get married, right? Yeah. Yeah. So as

34:22

long as you're not on the far

34:24

side to get married, I don't really think it's anyone else's

34:26

business, if I'm being completely honest. Keep

34:28

on doing what you're doing. But also, I feel like you can

34:30

be aware of what your friends and family are saying. Just keep

34:32

it in the back of your head and don't lead with that.

34:35

Keep it there. Still look out for the red flags

34:37

that everybody should be doing that in whatever kind of

34:40

relationship they're in anyway, and just be

34:42

happy. And yeah, and stop telling them

34:44

too much. Yeah, you don't need to tell them

34:46

everything. I don't think I think you're not in

34:48

danger. Like you feel like you don't need to tell them

34:50

everything anyway. So that's what

34:53

I would say. Okay, so that's

34:55

what it is. Enjoy you and Sam at

34:57

the moment. And you

34:59

just tell people that you don't want to talk about

35:01

that. You feel safe when you feel like, or be

35:04

approaching a very different, sometimes I don't need to

35:06

use the word. Yeah, approach

35:08

it in a very diplomatic way where you just

35:10

go to the like, thank you. I appreciate that.

35:12

But I know what I'm doing. I will take

35:14

your consideration. I will have it back in my

35:17

mind. I would never lament on how strongly

35:19

I felt about someone's partner if I didn't think that

35:21

they were in danger. Yeah. I just think that's

35:23

just quite mean. Well, if they haven't done anything, there's

35:25

no clue. Yeah, there's nothing gorgeous. Because from

35:27

what she's saying, it feels like him being

35:29

Nigerian is the only thing. And that's racist.

35:32

Yeah. And that's like, I just would never see

35:34

that. If I had genuine concerns about something with

35:36

my friend, I would say it once and

35:38

leave it there. You planted the seed. But to

35:40

go on and on to the point where you're

35:42

writing into us. Yeah. I don't know. It's a

35:44

little bit nasty. Yeah, I would say that.

35:46

Right. Next time, Emma. Next time, Emma. I

35:48

read and I read. My boyfriend has a

35:50

wanking problem. Oh, shit. Hi, girls. Love, love,

35:52

love your podcast. I've been a fan and

35:55

listener since the very beginning. And the fact

35:57

that you are doing two podcasts a week

35:59

brings me much joy congratulations on your

36:01

baby girl Audrey thank you my love to

36:03

the dilemma so I think my

36:05

boyfriend has a ranking problem I have addressed

36:07

it a couple of times with him and

36:09

he denies it each and every time when

36:11

we watch TV we sit on

36:14

separate spaces because of how our setup is

36:16

and of course putting a blanket on and

36:18

he'll be ranking himself under these

36:20

blanket thinking it's been baby that's

36:23

a nick that

36:27

is a sexual deviant what the fuck

36:31

is wrong with you and I look at my top weapon and he's

36:33

trying to look at us I know

36:35

it's not like you're trying to hide it that's disgusting

36:37

anyway so let me carry on he'll

36:40

be wanking himself under his blanket thinking he's

36:42

been very discreet but it's obviously pretty obvious

36:44

because you can see the movements maybe it's

36:47

just itchy no he's wanking I have addressed

36:49

it a couple of times where I've asked him and

36:51

said it makes me uncomfortable and it's not normal

36:53

to do that ranking of course is very normal

36:55

and healthy in your own time not in front

36:58

of my face trying to hide it I know

37:00

it's happening it continues to deny it I don't

37:02

know what to do anymore because it makes me

37:04

uncomfortable we don't have sex

37:06

very often I mean

37:09

clue number one and I

37:12

kind think this is a problem I

37:15

start to think I'm doing something wrong when he would

37:17

refer to ranks I

37:19

feel like threatening him but I would move back

37:21

to my mum because it makes me uncomfortable

37:23

and even when he's not doing it I

37:26

think he is I just need

37:28

him to be honest about it and actually recognizes

37:30

the problem I've addressed it before and he just

37:32

keeps getting angry about him pushes it off please

37:35

advice would be helpful I really need your help

37:40

he's got a

37:42

problem I'm wondering if

37:44

the wanking is I

37:46

mean you said that you guys

37:49

don't have sex so I would

37:51

probably start there if it's

37:53

because he's like why are you guys

37:55

not having sex because he doesn't want it or is it because

37:57

you don't want it I would have I would have liked more

37:59

detail on that, so I feel like that would... Well,

38:03

I mean, she hints it here where

38:05

she says it's like he prefers the

38:07

wang. Yeah. Which feels... Oh,

38:09

yeah. Yeah, I think... I

38:12

think if he keeps denying that he's got wang in front of

38:14

him, there's actually... There's nothing you can do about

38:16

it. Yeah, I love when you catch him doing

38:18

a blah blah, can you do that in the room? Yeah. Oh,

38:20

no. What the fuck, man? No, no,

38:22

no, no. It doesn't make me drink anymore. So

38:24

what needs to be addressed is why are

38:27

we not having time? Like, what's going on?

38:29

Like, as in why is our sex fire

38:31

fun to share? Because you're clearly still very

38:33

horny. Clearly. Right? You clearly still...

38:35

Like, you still want to have a good

38:37

go. You still want to ejaculate. You still

38:39

want to be felt up. You still want

38:42

to... Like, you still feel things. He's

38:44

a narcissist. How can you love yourself that much? I

38:48

want to talk about that. Yeah. No,

38:52

no, I think it's because he wants to... Like... I

38:55

don't know. I don't know how

38:58

to like... I don't know. I

39:00

don't follow the same. I

39:03

can't say why he wanks this much. The

39:06

only clue we have is the fact that you guys

39:08

don't have sex. But again, even that is so nuanced,

39:10

because it's like, which came first,

39:12

the chicken or the egg? Is he wanking because you don't

39:14

have sex? Or he doesn't want to have sex because he's

39:16

wanking? So it's really hard to

39:19

know which is which

39:21

kind of thing. It

39:23

sounds like he just enjoys doing it.

39:25

He clearly just enjoys self-pleasure. But I'm

39:27

sorry, that can't come at the expense of our sex

39:29

life. Like, if you guys were

39:31

having great sex and he was still wanking

39:33

a lot, then cool. But I think it's

39:35

very disrespectful to be doing it in your

39:37

presence. I think that is like the basic,

39:39

same thing. Yeah, go off stage.

39:41

Like, just before him to like, don't do it around

39:44

me. Saying, I feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it's certain

39:46

words we use that might trigger

39:48

movement in people. Just say to

39:50

him, babe, that makes me feel uncomfortable. I

39:52

feel physically sick when I know that you're

39:54

doing it around me. Make shame, like

39:57

shame him. I'm shame him

39:59

into... doing better because also you don't want to be

40:02

watching the Great British Bake Off and then he's

40:04

in the background. I know you imagine, you know,

40:06

and he's leaving his own

40:08

dough in the background. Do

40:10

you know what I mean?

40:12

Like, no. That's fucking happy.

40:15

Oh my God. Sorry,

40:18

that was good. That just rolled off as well. It's

40:22

amazing. I was saying that would have made me mind

40:24

if your business is watching Great British Bake Off and then

40:26

he's needing his own dough in the background. Do you know

40:28

what I mean? Like, no. Something

40:31

like your best friend. That was one of my

40:33

best friends. Oh my God. But it's true. Yeah,

40:36

it's not 100, no, but it's true. Like,

40:38

that's very disrespectful on his, like, he should

40:40

not be doing that around you. And I

40:42

think that's a great starting point. I feel

40:44

like we can't speak to why he does

40:47

it. Only he knows. But I

40:49

would address the sex issue and I would tell him not to do it around me.

40:51

If you don't want to leave him over it.

40:53

I am not talking after that. Next

40:55

dilemma. Mike drop. Mike drop. Mike drop.

40:57

You need his own dough in the

41:00

background. I forgot my dough. That's

41:04

my friend, yo. That's my friend.

41:06

That's my boy. That's my boy.

41:08

That's my boy. That's

41:11

my friend's dough. I love

41:13

that video so much. Next

41:16

dilemma. Next dilemma. Is it

41:18

me? Oh, it's me. Hello sister Audrey

41:20

and Tully. Hello sister. You, you. You

41:27

feel so amazing. And I hope

41:29

God guides you and blesses you abundantly because

41:31

you're deserving. Thank you. Amen. So I've

41:33

been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. 16

41:36

months to be precise. Everything has been

41:38

going really, really well. He's been a really

41:40

sweet boyfriend to me and he checks all the

41:42

right boxes. The thing is I've never had

41:45

anyone respect me and treat me as well as

41:47

he does. However,

41:50

we had an argument today as

41:52

I'm writing it. And it kind of led to a breakup.

41:55

I'm the one who broke up with him. I thought we

41:57

were going to resolve it anyways because I have a horrible

41:59

habit. that I will work

42:01

on it. After the breakup, he

42:03

told me that he had something to tell me, and

42:06

that's when he told me he has a five-year-old son. Huh?

42:09

I was gag-chow. At first, I thought it was a joke,

42:12

but he seemed to be very serious. Why would you

42:14

joke? Now I'm very disappointed that he kept

42:17

this from me for such a long time. But

42:19

his only reason was he was afraid that I was going

42:21

to leave. You're right. You know I am. You left over

42:23

smaller. I was planning

42:25

on fixing things with him before he drops the bomb

42:27

on me, and I'm just confused. I

42:30

have a fear that maybe I'm leaving a good thing,

42:32

and it's very hard to find good men in this

42:35

generation. Help, he's 24 and I'm 22. It's

42:38

not that hard to find a good man, please. Like, you've been

42:40

with him for 16 months, and

42:42

he can't tell you he has a child. I'm not saying I

42:44

should meet your child. I'm not saying, I'm just like, I

42:46

honestly think people that have children, I

42:49

don't know how you can hide it for that. Yeah, that's very problematic. That's

42:51

the first thing I'm saying, yeah, I've got a little girl,

42:53

I've got a little boy. Like, why does that not come

42:55

up in the face of you when I'm asking to know

42:57

you? You're telling me your favourite colour. You're telling me that you're

42:59

red, that you're in jeans. Telling me that you'd like to do, like,

43:01

you're telling me all these things about yourself, but you're negating the bit

43:03

where you've got to find your old kids. A whole

43:05

human that you've born into this world. Yeah,

43:07

I think it's a red flag. I think if you

43:09

can hide something that's so important

43:12

and such a big part of your life, I hope,

43:15

what else would you hide from me? That's the

43:17

seed that plants in my mind when

43:20

people deny their kids. I'm like, if you can

43:22

deny this, then that means you'll hide loads of

43:24

little things. And I don't think it's a good

43:26

foundation for a relationship. Be open and

43:28

honest about all aspects of your life when you're

43:30

getting to know someone. And 16

43:32

months. That's a year.

43:34

That's a year and a... And some change,

43:36

Han. Like, you lied in my

43:38

face for a year and some change. So,

43:42

yeah. And your kid is fine. It's not even

43:44

like the girl's pedant while she met me. Yeah,

43:46

yeah, yeah. There's no reason to lie about it.

43:48

Why are you hiding the five-year-olds? There's no reason to lie about it. Yeah,

43:50

agree with me. I don't know. Like, if you...

43:54

left in the world. Like, maybe go chat to him and be like,

43:56

give a book to me that's mad to him. Maybe get a reason for why... he

44:00

hid it from you for so long. Because to say that you thought I

44:02

was going to leave is not good enough. Because you

44:04

should have told me before this even started. Yeah exactly. Because

44:06

you lied so of course once you found out about

44:08

the life you were more likely to leave. That's why

44:11

I'm really fidget. I'm not mean because you got killed.

44:13

I'm not mean because you lied. Yeah yeah yeah. And

44:15

maybe he's had a bad experience where someone's been like

44:17

I don't want to date because remember they're 24 so

44:20

they're quite young so I mean I'm not making excuses

44:22

in an excusable part. Maybe he thought that he's quite

44:24

young he's got a five of roles in there. But

44:26

it doesn't mean you deny him lies. I think it's

44:28

a red flag and I think it's always

44:31

a sign of things to pass. And also how good of a

44:33

man is he if you lied about him? If he didn't tell

44:35

you about him? Yeah. How good of a man is that? He'll

44:37

deny you. I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you. I

44:39

mean the information is lying in my mind. So I don't

44:41

know how good you think he is. It is. It's my

44:43

truth. I would carry on. He's definitely telling people he doesn't

44:45

have a girl. Yeah. I wouldn't

44:47

want to work her out. I'm done

44:49

with that. It's my truth. Next

44:52

I'll end my hello. Hello. Before I

44:54

start I want to say thank you

44:56

in advance and pray that the Lord

44:58

God will continue to shower you both

45:00

with blessing and bring you peace and

45:02

prosperity this coming year and onwards. A

45:04

prayer. Amen. Thank you. This dilemma hasn't

45:06

happened for two years now and I've

45:08

been debating whether to send this in

45:10

for a few months. So here we

45:13

go. Sorry it's kind of long. I'm

45:16

having doubts about my friendship. I'm

45:18

17 years old and I've been

45:20

friends with Metzgul Hojoana since year seven

45:22

and I'm now in sixth form, different

45:24

schools of sixth form. We became friends

45:26

with kids. We were in the same

45:28

class up until year 11. Even

45:30

a great friend and I'm not saying that

45:32

we were only friends because of convenience but

45:34

obviously being in class helped. However

45:38

since year nine she's changed and done a

45:40

complete 180. Drugs,

45:42

getting drunk, etc. You name it

45:44

she's done it. I'm not

45:46

trying to make it sound as if I'm better

45:49

than her. Far from. But I'm fully aware that

45:51

as we get older we change. But as a

45:53

Christian and trying to be less lukewarm what she

45:55

does doesn't make me feel comfortable. So literally I'm

45:57

just being a part of that power generally. The

46:00

blame isn't solely on her. As the group that

46:02

she hangs around with outside of school, the facts

46:04

are, she started getting even crazier in year 10,

46:07

getting mousy inside and outside school, going

46:09

to be known for being bad, not

46:11

caring about her education, also being involved

46:13

in drama and hyping it up, even

46:16

when there were barely anything. I've communicated

46:18

and she says that she would relax

46:20

from the drugs, she hasn't. So

46:22

I said that, please just don't do it

46:24

around me, as it makes me feel uncomfortable. She

46:27

still does it around me, so I've given up.

46:30

I like hanging around her when it's just the two of us

46:32

and our friends. When I'm around

46:34

her, cloud, I feel so uncomfortable. A

46:37

celebration is coming up and it pains me to say,

46:39

I don't want to go. I know

46:41

there won't be any adult supervision, which is okay,

46:43

but my friends will be there. You are the perfect

46:45

team, but praying I am like this.

46:47

I'm so happy. I want you all to be

46:49

there. But I'm going to

46:51

be there and you can guess what's going to happen.

46:53

I just can't do it, let alone be

46:56

there. The conviction would smother me. I'm socially

46:58

awkward and my anxiety worsens, leading up to

47:00

events. I'm thinking about excuses to avoid it,

47:02

but we are best friends and we've never

47:04

missed each other's birthdays. This is obviously a

47:06

big day for her. In two years, we're

47:08

off to uni and I have a niggling

47:10

feeling that our friendship will fizzle out as

47:12

we take different paths in life, that will

47:14

happen. What do I do about

47:16

our friendship? Am I dragging out the inevitable end?

47:19

What about the birthday? Should I just get over

47:21

it and grow up? Thank you and sorry for

47:23

the length. P.S., I have other friends that isn't

47:25

about being alone. You were

47:27

so self-aware for... I

47:30

love this for you. Yeah, absolutely. I'm

47:32

proud of you that you are aware of your convictions and

47:34

what you want to be around and what you don't want

47:36

to be around. Not many people... Oh,

47:39

that's sometimes very patronising, but I am very... Not

47:42

many people your age. And I can't even say

47:44

truly when I was your age. I'll

47:46

go, I just want to... Yeah, I was peer pressured.

47:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I would just go, just to

47:50

feel like I'm not missing out on it sort of

47:52

thing. She's your friend, it's her birthday. I

47:55

think you should be like, hey, babe, I won't be able to

47:57

make it. What can I take you out for dinner? Or

47:59

you guys... People are you fall for you guys. Cinema

48:01

You go lot where if I feel like I

48:04

don't miss a basement wrath of it's completely fast.

48:06

do something with just you and how do something

48:08

with just you and you lost planes were you

48:10

feel comfortable? I think it's very important that you

48:12

this is he a conviction. He doesn't see what

48:14

it is that you want to do. There is

48:16

nothing wrong to be saying hey I wanna. Be.

48:19

More Christian on a be more Christ like

48:21

and been around these things doesn't fit into

48:23

that lifestyle. That's absolutely fine.

48:26

And you. To. Articulate say well wait,

48:28

doesn't seem as any judgment. For isn't

48:30

I just makes not uncomfortable if not the

48:32

i may as I like it and that's

48:34

okay absolutely Lock I feel like yeah I'm

48:37

so impressed by how self aware you are

48:39

like yeah is the of what I don't

48:41

want to lose that because he will let

48:43

you have to like hang on to this

48:46

friendship that. You. Know you guys

48:48

are with your different paths and I think

48:50

sometimes I'll be talk about friendship and others.

48:52

Hamby encourage people to just that. Papa Things

48:54

and have a it because don't want to

48:56

be selfish. it's people die, everything's bus. There's

48:59

certain times where Axis of them still have

49:01

to put yourself mans and if you have

49:03

any specific daddy and the person's on the

49:05

complete opposite end of the spectrum you don't

49:07

have to be about that pass. It is

49:09

also perfectly okay I'm and I things and

49:12

it's not even was a profit still. Zoc

49:14

Apostles destruction. And. He weighed on the

49:16

her Absolutely sucks when Ms assessing the situation, I

49:18

don't. I feel like they sometimes that feminists and

49:20

reads. I'm not going to see him. It's how

49:23

you just stick about five Rojas. I'm aware because.

49:26

Yeah. And I live in a fencing shed.

49:28

His cigarettes even having a is. Exactly.

49:30

Legend of the Why is that? Yeah

49:32

exactly. And yeah I think over suggestions.

49:34

For the gave up have a lot you can still

49:36

celebrate has this is that that you will happen City

49:38

bus have one of one right? and so yeah just

49:40

do something one on one. The Pappa yeah I just

49:43

I want you to lose that spirit of like. this

49:46

as a few the salmon yeah man light

49:48

and i loved to disseminate you have and

49:50

i feel like sometimes way would find it

49:52

had megan yes i am i think it's

49:55

yeah it's important thus not sides of course

49:57

not charge put to still night he won

49:59

best to me the most important thing here

50:01

but yeah just like yeah yeah never

50:03

the salmon is yeah yeah a

50:06

hundred because even at my big edge for something

50:08

like i like i'm like

50:10

oh so i'll just i won't do it i won't be a

50:12

part of it but like you know in

50:14

the world of the world those are very important things for

50:16

you and you can kind of be more Christian and do

50:18

what feels like for you yeah same but

50:21

do something with that separately i would suggest that's

50:23

what i would say yes me too right you

50:25

still look at mood i am

50:27

in a good mood it wasn't anything too

50:29

heavy so yes i'm glad as

50:33

usual if you guys are going through anything if you'd like

50:35

i would advise our help or just our

50:37

general thoughts on your situation please

50:40

email xylemers at

50:42

the receipts podcast.co dot uk that

50:44

xylemers at the receipts podcast.co dot

50:47

uk it sure is and if you guys got

50:49

any answers any responses anything you'd like to give

50:51

all of our people in their problems please

50:53

use the hashtag the receipts podcast and let

50:56

them know what you think what your thoughts

50:58

are as usual thank you very much for

51:00

listening to us thank you for pressing play

51:03

and including us in part of your day and

51:05

always love to love my jeez and thank you

51:07

for allowing us to keep you company i'd win

51:09

your girls in just one

51:12

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