0:00

Hello, hello, hello, everybody.

0:03

Absolutely everybody, everybody, absolutely everybody in the

0:05

whole wide world. Everybody that lives, everybody

0:07

that breathes. Do you remember that song?

0:10

Yeah, I do. Great song. Hi, everyone.

0:12

And welcome to this episode of the

0:14

Receipts podcast. This

0:19

is a Your Receipts. The

0:22

episodes that we help you guys out of your

0:24

dilemmas, your issues and anything you could be going

0:26

through. We are here to be your big sisters

0:29

and talk you through it. Make sure, girl,

0:31

Toni T. And just call me Audrey. What

0:37

does motion sound like? With Kizzick hands free

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shoes, it sounds a little something like this.

0:43

Experience the magic of motion.

0:46

Get a free pair of socks

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with your first order at kizzick.com/socks.

0:51

On the way up here, I heard and dancing

0:56

in the moonlight. Thank you. Did it make it

0:58

instantly happen? It did. It made me think of you. Oh, even though

1:00

it's coming in here to meet you. Oh, top low die. Is that

1:02

what they call it? Yeah, top low die. I had never

1:04

a single other song I've ever sang outside of that

1:06

song. I don't know anything about them. Me either. Could

1:09

have been a couple of hours ago. Yeah, I know

1:11

who they are. But thank you for your service. Yeah,

1:13

you've done enough. You've done enough. You know what? You've

1:15

done enough. That's like Love and Hill. Like she's

1:18

done that album. She's done enough. Yeah. Imagine being able

1:20

to. Oh, she's not really eating. But imagine making an

1:22

album and you can just eat off of that one

1:24

song. I know she's done enough. That one album. I'm

1:26

not. I don't look down at one hit wonders. No,

1:29

neither do I. I know people often do. But

1:31

I'm like, if you've got that one

1:33

dog that's going to do wonders for the rest

1:35

of your life, run me that one hit wonder.

1:37

I'll be absolutely fine. But you get to go

1:40

straight to the dilemmas. Let's go. First

1:43

dilemma. Am I wrong

1:45

for feeling like this? No. Hi,

1:47

beautiful ladies. Firstly, I'd like to

1:49

say thank you for keeping me

1:51

entertained the last seven years. This

1:53

is literally the only podcast I

1:56

listen to and didn't know what to do with

1:58

myself during your break. Congratulations. on your

2:00

little angel Audrey. I need encourage when

2:02

I saw your Insta post after listening

2:04

all these years. Toni, please keep being

2:06

a phenomenal woman that you are and

2:08

don't let anyone tell you different. It's

2:10

inspiring to see, thank you. I've

2:13

been in a relationship for three years. It's

2:16

been amazing for the most part. She's

2:18

handsome, funny, scolds

2:21

me, and I've never loved a man

2:23

like this before. She

2:26

says, yuck, I didn't say yuck. However,

2:31

recently things have happened that have

2:33

made me look at him sideways.

2:36

And I don't know if I'm just in my head. On

2:39

my birthday, he had work, so he

2:41

couldn't do much. But in the evening, he took

2:43

me out for dinner. After

2:45

dinner, we went back to the hotel and

2:48

I wanted to continue drinking and turning up. He

2:50

went to get intimate. And when I told him

2:52

not ready for that yet, he

2:54

appeared quite irritated and said, well,

2:56

sometimes I'm not in the mood and

2:58

I still do it. This rubbed

3:00

me off the wrong gray as I've been a victim

3:03

of SA. So it kind of

3:05

felt like he was insinuating I make him do something

3:07

he doesn't necessarily want to do or

3:09

even putting me in a position to do something

3:11

I don't necessarily want to do. Or

3:14

am I moving mad? He explained

3:16

I took it the wrong way and it's

3:18

usually a buildup, which is what he meant

3:20

apparently. I'm conflicted on if I'm taking it

3:22

the wrong way because of what I've been

3:25

through. Last month, he was in a

3:27

double date with my best friend. The

3:29

next day, he made a comment and said, she

3:31

looks young in the face, even her

3:34

body. It's kind of childlike. This

3:36

also made me look at him funny because why

3:39

would you say that about my friend? As

3:42

well as this, we had issues in the past with

3:44

him openly looking at other women. But once

3:46

again, I took it the wrong way. It's

3:49

just an observation, but completely unnecessarily

3:51

in my eyes. Am I

3:53

wrong for feeling weird about him lately? It

3:56

makes me worried about our future and how he really feels deep down

3:58

because he's never been like this. I hope you

4:00

read this. Thank you. Oh,

4:05

that's a tricky one. Look, I don't

4:08

necessarily really believe feelings are wrong. I don't think

4:10

there is a right or wrong to a

4:12

feeling because feelings are not an objective factual

4:14

thing. You mean right or wrong, right? You

4:17

are very, very warranted and fair

4:19

to feel how you feel. What

4:23

you must remember is the context of why you feel

4:25

how you feel. Like certain experiences

4:27

you've gone through, what's going on in your

4:30

life, how you're feeling that day, how you

4:32

see your partner, how you were brought up

4:34

all have a fundamental effect on how you

4:36

feel about things. Something can happen now

4:38

and I'm not really that bothered about it. And

4:41

all you can be like, no, that's really offended me. You just

4:43

use the example of being called a fool. I don't

4:45

find it funny. It pisses me off. Or

4:48

just kind of like, whatever. It's just as bad as calling it. She

4:50

doesn't see it as anything. So you have to remember

4:52

all the context as to why you feel like this.

4:54

Do I feel like is that anything massively wrong? And

4:58

for my feelings, no. But

5:00

you're not wrong for feeling how you're feeling. Yeah, I

5:03

totally agree. I feel like sometimes things can have like

5:05

a domino effect. Yeah. So you are feeling

5:07

a way about this thing. So then kind of sometimes it

5:09

can heighten other things that the individual does, especially

5:11

if it's not addressed, if you haven't spoken about it in the

5:13

moment. I think because of

5:15

what you've experienced, it is absolutely

5:17

going to shape how you perceive

5:20

things 100%. And

5:22

I think that you need to speak to

5:24

him so that he's hyper aware that, I

5:26

mean, I don't know whether he

5:28

knows about your essay, but I think it's

5:30

quite imperative that he does know so that

5:32

he knows how to navigate certain conversations around

5:34

you, because the way that you will

5:36

speak to someone that hasn't been through those experiences is going

5:38

to be different to how you speak to someone that has

5:41

been. You have to handle it with a bit more sensitivity

5:43

and a bit more care. I agree. I

5:45

feel like you feel these things that they're valid somewhat.

5:48

But then at the beginning, you listed off a really

5:50

long laundry list of qualities about him that you really

5:52

like. Yeah. So I think I

5:54

don't, I wouldn't necessarily say leave, but I

5:56

definitely do think it's worth like having a conversation with

5:59

him and telling him. about

6:01

your experience just to be like, look, I'm a

6:03

little bit sensitive when it comes to certain things.

6:05

Please just be careful. Like, you know, when you

6:07

want to initiate sex

6:09

and things like that, you just have to handle me

6:11

with a bit of extra care because people don't have

6:14

to treat people have to teach people how to treat

6:16

you. You know, I think sometimes we expect people to

6:18

be mind readers. Again, I don't know whether he knows

6:20

about your essay, but I think if he doesn't, I

6:22

think it's important that he does know. But yeah, you're

6:25

not wrong for feeling the way you're feeling. But if

6:27

you don't want to break up with him, and you

6:29

feel like these feelings are a phase and they're going

6:31

to pass, I definitely think you should have

6:34

a conversation because sometimes things like this build up, build

6:36

up and then every little thing he does, yeah, now

6:38

gonna be magnified. And you're going to read into it

6:40

so much more than what it is. So just

6:43

let him know it might just like, be his bad,

6:45

like he's probably talking to I mean, the friend thing

6:47

was a bit weird to comment on your friend's body,

6:49

regardless of what her shape is. That's weird. And let

6:51

him know that's the boundary for you. Just be like,

6:53

listen, I don't really appreciate you coming in on another

6:55

woman's body. To my face. Just

6:57

be mindful of how you move. See how he

6:59

reacts and take it from there. Yeah, that's what I would

7:02

do. It's a fun one. I think it's even more heightened

7:04

because of what happened in the hotel. When you're thinking, hey,

7:06

what's going on here? Because it's a fun one. And someone's

7:08

like, oh, she looks really young. I'm magical. Oh, she looks

7:10

mad young. I don't know if I'd be offended

7:12

by that. Yeah, just because I wouldn't

7:14

either because when you have an accommodation with your

7:17

man, I guess he's in his mind,

7:19

he's thinking, you're my girl, we could talk about

7:21

in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I can't

7:23

speak for his intention, but it's not giving that

7:26

he was trying to be malicious. I just think

7:28

that off the back of what's happened, you're

7:30

a bit, you're annoyed at him. So you're just

7:32

you're reading into things a bit more. So yeah,

7:35

just give him the opportunity to change. Like, I'm big

7:37

on that. I feel like so long as you haven't fallen

7:39

out of love with him, you don't want to leave the

7:41

relationship. Give the person the opportunity to

7:43

do better if they don't. And then you kind

7:46

of just reevaluate the situation.

7:48

What do you think about the idea of someone taking the right

7:50

or wrong reading something the wrong way?

7:53

I think it happens, like, as in with her. Yeah,

7:55

yeah, yeah. Reading things the wrong way. Yeah, it definitely

7:57

happens. Like, depends on the person's tone.

8:00

Like again, it depends, it can just be

8:02

down to your mood. Your life experience is

8:04

like, everybody interprets things differently. Exactly. Like what

8:06

you said, like what can offend one person

8:09

might not offend another. So it really just

8:11

depends the space or time.

8:13

But I definitely think that I've misread things

8:15

wrong. Like so many times I've got it

8:17

wrong, but because maybe I was triggered. So

8:19

I read something, you know, I read it

8:21

incorrectly. I really tried to be big on

8:24

intention. Yeah. When I really tried to

8:26

be really big on attention, do I think this person

8:28

would intentionally want to hurt my grandmother's person. It

8:30

will intentionally want to piss me off. And that's

8:32

how I decide if I'm seeing something wrong

8:34

or not. And you can feel it as well.

8:36

Yeah. You can feel when someone's being malicious, you

8:38

can feel when something feels a little bit shady.

8:41

Yeah. You can feel when something doesn't feel quite

8:43

right. So if you didn't get that feeling, like

8:45

how he's going out of his way, I think

8:48

it's like the domino effect thing. I think that's

8:50

why we're here with the friend comment. Yeah,

8:52

but that's the problem when you don't address things

8:55

in real time. I mean, she said she did. She said

8:57

she did. Yeah. And he was just like, I didn't

8:59

mean it like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Keep

9:01

talking to him. Every time you feel awake, just tell

9:03

him. But you're not wrong for your feelings.

9:06

People are really wrong for them. Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

9:10

Next dilemma. Next dilemma. Audrey

9:13

and Tully, I hope this email finds both of

9:15

you well. I love listening to your

9:17

podcast. You are both great representatives of strong

9:19

black women. And I absolutely adore you both

9:21

for it. Take your sweet time. Keep

9:26

up the good work and make the good Lord continue

9:28

to bless you both. Dilemma,

9:31

please keep this anonymous. My

9:36

husband and I have known each other now for about

9:39

six to seven years and have been married for

9:41

almost two years now. We have two kids,

9:43

a boy and a girl. We are both very much still

9:45

in love with each other. I talk a

9:47

lot and I'm pretty much an open book

9:49

if you like. He is more of a

9:51

quiet one and he has always loved me because

9:54

he thinks I'm so open and honest with

9:56

it, which I am most of the time.

9:58

However, I have kept the secret from him. for

10:00

the longest time. The

10:02

secret is I've had two abortions before

10:04

we got in a relationship. Please don't judge, I

10:06

already feel bad about it as it is. I'm

10:08

the most powerful shipper for you all ever me.

10:11

They were both done when I was at uni

10:13

and I felt like I wasn't ready to have

10:15

children at the time. I wasn't in a stable

10:17

relationship either. I always wanted to be married before

10:19

I have kids or at least in a stable

10:22

relationship with someone I feel secured with. Before we

10:24

had children the question popped up one time. He

10:26

asked if I'd ever had an abortion. I said

10:28

no and since then I've always felt

10:30

bad for lying. He hasn't asked me again

10:33

since then but can't help but feel that because

10:35

we are married he's supposed to know everything. Maybe

10:38

it's just me. My question is do you think I should

10:40

tell him now or just forget about it? Just really want to

10:42

know your thoughts in it. You

10:45

already know what I'm gonna say. They're gonna put

10:48

a gun in my head. No, not that

10:50

I think it's shameful to have had abortions but like if

10:52

you don't feel like you want to tell him don't

10:54

tell him. It doesn't affect

10:56

your relationship in any way shape or

10:59

form. It's not even that ignorant thought

11:01

that I've had an abortion that can't have

11:03

a kid. It's not even that ignorant thought. You've had two

11:05

kids. I know

11:07

this kind of thing can't even take up space in my head.

11:10

Me either but the way I would forgive myself. I

11:12

am the first me to forgive myself. Me

11:15

too. After God then it's me.

11:17

I forgive myself. God forgives and

11:19

so do I. And so do

11:21

I. But forgive yourself. Why are

11:23

you holding onto that for? You had

11:26

valid reasons. I have a big believer

11:28

of people that don't want children shouldn't have

11:30

them. Absolutely. Especially if they don't want at

11:32

a certain time they let's feel ready then

11:34

don't do it. You were a big believer.

11:36

You were a baby girl. Yeah same same. And

11:38

also you weren't even with him then. Well if

11:40

he didn't even know you. Exactly if you were

11:42

together and you didn't tell him because you didn't

11:45

you know you were having a

11:47

potential issue. I can see why in that I

11:50

still wouldn't say anything but I can still see

11:52

why that would plague you a little bit more.

11:54

But something I did in uni before I met

11:56

you. Like bro the way it's exit is my

11:58

brain like junction. I forgot. Five

12:01

years ago, it's like, I'll be like, oh, damn, I did

12:03

that. Like, it's gone. Like, absolutely. If you don't want

12:05

to tell him, do not tell him. I feel like

12:07

you think you've got to live up to this thing

12:09

because you're an open and honest person. Open

12:11

and honest people could also have secrets. You can

12:13

have your secrets. You can have things that you

12:16

don't have to, just, oh, the marriage thing. I

12:18

don't think you need to share everything with your

12:20

partner. I don't think you need to share anything,

12:22

everything with anybody. We're allowed to have things for

12:24

ourselves. We're allowed to have secrets. I didn't think

12:26

people that tell their partners, you know, dangerous. Yeah,

12:29

it's a bit. Yeah. Yeah,

12:31

exactly. Yeah, exactly. Keep some things

12:33

to yourself. Yeah. Especially it

12:35

doesn't directly impact your marriage or

12:37

your kids or your household. That's, yeah,

12:39

no, no, no, no. But yeah, don't

12:41

go. No, don't feel bad about

12:44

that at all. Just absolutely just try to move

12:46

on from it as much as possible. Is

12:48

it normal for a man to ask you for the new abortion? Yeah,

12:51

I mean, no one's ever had the answer.

12:53

If he's pressing you about it, then that

12:56

would be. Not exactly. When you're talking to

12:58

someone, is that normal? I've

13:01

never been asked that question. I've never been asked that

13:03

question by a man. I've never been asked that question

13:05

by a man. But

13:07

yeah, no, yeah, no. I just, for me, I'm

13:09

just, I haven't really forgotten about the dilemma. I've

13:12

forgotten about it. Don't let anyone put you

13:14

up on your back. He hasn't even asked you again.

13:17

He's asking that one time, he doesn't know and he believes you in the kind

13:19

of life. Why are you being arrogant? You're

13:21

creating a headache for yourself that you don't need. Like just

13:23

live your life. You're happy. You're not

13:25

going to believe him. You're still in love with him.

13:27

You've got two beautiful kids. You're happily married. Just, oh

13:30

please. You've got nothing to do with him. Exactly. That

13:32

quite literally, what you reckon about, I need to talk to you.

13:34

Exactly. His heart is beating and he's

13:36

having big unceiving. It's going to happen before I met you when

13:38

I was in union. Do you know what?

13:41

I would think that you're a captain. If someone came to me and

13:43

told me a secret from back in the day, they had nothing to

13:45

do with me. I didn't know. I'd be like,

13:47

what's the real secret? I'd be like, no, you just made that up.

13:49

Just to cover up what you really want to tell me. Because why

13:51

are you telling me this? Yeah, no. Just to

13:53

get it. No, no. Please

13:56

don't punish yourself. Oh, this is so... It's

14:04

titled and I read, help! I'm

14:07

in a sexist marriage and I started

14:09

an affair. Oh God. Hi

14:12

girls, I absolutely love your podcast. Thanks

14:15

for always bringing the entertainment when I'm

14:17

on my way to work. Here's

14:20

my dilemma. I've been

14:22

with my husband for six years now, one

14:25

year married and five years as boyfriend

14:27

and girlfriend. We've always had

14:29

issues with our sex drives as I've always

14:31

had a higher sex drive than him. He's

14:34

had issues in the bedroom and suffers from

14:36

ED. I

14:39

have always tried to be supportive and

14:41

be understanding to his situation. When I

14:43

bring it up to him that I'm

14:45

feeling unfulfilled, he gets defensive and tells

14:47

me he's trying his best and he's

14:49

been to the doctors about this and

14:51

they've said he needs to try and

14:53

change his diet, alcohol consumption, etc. and

14:56

work her out on the gym, which he

14:58

has taken on board. But

15:01

we've seen no difference. He

15:03

blames the low sex drive on this

15:05

as well as being tired all the

15:07

time from work, but it feels like

15:09

he could just live without it and

15:11

be content and I definitely cannot. Recently

15:15

someone I used to date messaged me

15:18

and we hit it off again straight away.

15:22

We met up and we've been

15:24

sleeping together since whenever we can. I

15:27

feel guilty about this, but I

15:29

also feel desired and wanted when being with

15:31

him, which I don't get from my

15:33

husband. However, my ex has

15:35

said he's fallen in love with me and

15:38

wants me to leave my marriage, but

15:40

I'm from a culture that this is not the

15:42

norm and it's taboo to have a divorce. Why

15:45

are you laughing, Ben? I

15:48

don't know what to do. I love the sex

15:50

and the way my ex makes me feel, but I

15:52

love my husband. He's my best

15:55

friend and he's perfect in every

15:57

way except in the bedroom. Help.

16:00

What do I do? Bring

16:03

back polygamous relationship. Audrey, go

16:05

away. Go

16:08

away. May Pelican be

16:10

great again. Go

16:14

away. To

16:18

say I'm big. I'm

16:21

big trouble. This

16:23

is a big, big dilemma.

16:26

This is... How

16:28

do you feel about your ex? I'm going

16:30

to take it as from this letter, it's just

16:32

a second. Yeah,

16:34

Shelly likes to be. You're not

16:36

born in love with him. You have no intention

16:39

of leaving your marriage. You just want

16:41

the sex. Why does the ex have to go for

16:43

the love affair? They're so annoying. Here's

16:46

my advice to you. Stop

16:50

fucking your ex immediately. Because

16:52

he's ruined it by falling in love with you. That wasn't

16:54

part of the plan. Because that makes

16:57

things... You're already cheating. That's

17:00

so complicated. But at

17:02

least you can say that cheating is the desire of the flesh.

17:04

You don't have the desire of the heart. Just leave it as the

17:06

desire of the flesh. Immediately stop

17:09

cheating. That's my first thing I

17:11

would advise. Stop cheating. Get

17:14

rid of your ex. Say, I have no

17:16

intention to leave my husband. I'm sorry you're

17:18

falling in love with me. Let's stop this

17:20

right now. Especially because from what it

17:22

sounds like, you have no intention of leaving your husband. Once

17:25

you've left that, go and work

17:27

it out with your husband. Because

17:29

it's not just the culture that you're saying you don't believe

17:31

your husband for. You said he's perfect in every other way.

17:34

You're still in love with him. He's your best friend. Culture

17:36

aside, you don't want to. Didn't

17:39

mention anything about your love and your ex. You

17:41

just said you feel desired and you're getting

17:43

a good dick in. That's not worth leaving

17:46

what's perfect in every other way for me. If

17:49

you don't love this ex and don't necessarily want to be

17:52

with him, stop fucking him. Go

17:55

to your husband. I wouldn't say admit anything.

17:59

Bye, more than you. also a piece of shit so that's worth it. And,

18:06

what you've got you do then? Exactly, you

18:08

say all of that but you forgot the main thing.

18:10

Okay, do you know what yeah, on

18:12

this occasion I might not be against

18:14

admitting it. Oh! I

18:16

know, I know, I never ever thought I'd say

18:19

the words because you know me. Which? I

18:21

ever take shit to the grave. There's no violence. Until

18:23

you die. If you're not going to get caught, keep

18:25

that shit to yourself because... Okay, so what's the benefit

18:28

of admitting it here? So,

18:30

okay, so the erectile

18:32

dysfunction is a big thing. You said

18:34

at the beginning that your sex drives

18:36

are not aligned. You're a very, very

18:38

sexual person. They never have been. He

18:40

suffers from this thing. So therefore, he

18:42

doesn't feel inclined to want to fix it

18:44

because he's clearly just happy to go without. I

18:47

don't know if he's happy to go without. I

18:49

don't think he's happy, he just can't. But

18:51

go without and I'm unable to. No, but she said

18:53

that like he doesn't seem bothered about it. Because

18:56

there's things that he can be doing and he's not really doing it. No, he said

18:58

he's doing it, there's no difference. So he went to the

19:00

doctor? Yeah. Oh, he went

19:02

to the doctor. He's done all of that but he's

19:04

not made a difference. Okay, fine. I misinterpreted that. Talking

19:07

about remissurement and things. Let's

19:09

just... Okay, cool. Regardless, I

19:11

still think that there is a space where

19:13

you can maybe not confess but just say

19:16

to him like present the idea of what

19:18

it could look like if you were to

19:20

do this thing. And maybe that would put

19:22

the battery up his bum to

19:24

try and get to fix the situation because I

19:26

feel like once you fix the sexual side of

19:28

things then your relationship will pretty much be perfect,

19:30

right? So I don't know that maybe not confess,

19:32

confess might be a bit strong but just be

19:35

like look, you're at the end of your tether,

19:37

you need sex. I always say

19:39

sex is very important in a relationship. Otherwise,

19:41

you're just roommates. You're not... Like

19:44

that's what makes... That's

19:46

what takes the relationship up a notch. That's what

19:48

takes it up to another level. That's what differentiates it

19:50

from other relationships we have in our lives, right? So

19:52

if you're not having that, you're deeply, deeply unfulfilled and

19:55

I don't see why you should have to go without

19:57

just because he's a nice guy and he's your best

19:59

friend. missing something that's fundamentally important to you.

20:01

You stressed how important it is to you in

20:03

the beginning. So that might be something I would

20:05

do. I would just be like, do you know

20:07

what? I cannot lie to you. I'm at the

20:09

end of my tether with this situation. I'm contemplating

20:11

cheating. Like I'm seriously contemplating cheating. You never

20:14

know. He might be up for it, right? Because

20:16

on Real House I was a Potomac with

20:18

this couple, Gordon and Mia. They've been

20:20

married for a long time. Mia was like in

20:22

a late days and Gordon is an older man.

20:25

He got diagnosed with prostate cancer. Their relationship

20:27

is a little bit zesty anyway, but he

20:29

got diagnosed with prostate cancer and he said

20:31

to her, look, I want you

20:33

to go off. Find someone younger that's going to satisfy you.

20:35

The only thing I asked is that you don't bring the

20:37

man around my kids and they go discreet. So

20:40

they have that understanding and she went back to her

20:42

ex from high school and she's been fucking in the

20:44

whole relationship. She been discreet? No,

20:46

and that's why there's issues because now the

20:48

whole world knows. Okay. So it's like in

20:51

that, could we suggest an open marriage? So

20:53

yeah. Your husband could be in a position to be

20:55

like, hey, this thing is happening and you've always known.

20:57

I love a good scene

20:59

too. Like that's not news to you.

21:01

Is there a world where we can open up

21:03

this marriage where I can feel fulfilled in that

21:05

aspect, but still make like, and

21:07

then it can set roles. I think it can

21:10

be the mega man, the children be discreet and

21:12

really respectful. Don't let it be anyone I know.

21:14

There can be rules and regulations on open marriage.

21:16

Maybe that suggested I don't, from

21:18

what you said, culturally, I don't think that might be

21:20

something you might be down for, but we never

21:22

know. But then he needs to figure it out

21:24

then because a

21:26

lot of men are suffering from ED. A

21:28

lot of them are suffering from ED. A bit too early.

21:31

But like, I dunno,

21:33

the way I read it, I feel like he's not trying.

21:36

Like I don't feel like he's exhausting all measures because

21:39

it's her sex. Like some men, yeah, your sexuality

21:41

is not important. They just feel like,

21:43

oh, like, you know, whatever a woman's sexuality is not

21:45

important. Like your needs, like they feel like we can

21:47

go without and you're clearly not that kind of person.

21:50

If he's not willing to do absolutely

21:52

everything that it takes, then he's just

21:54

going to sit back and chill and just think that you're

21:57

just going to sit back and be cool with that. Then

21:59

he's going to have to be okay with the open marriage.

22:01

thing. Like you can't have it both ways unfortunately but you

22:03

have to put your foot down and let him know. If

22:05

it were me I would be like listen babe I've got

22:07

the end of my table I cannot lie I'm contemplating cheating.

22:10

What would you suggest to Reba X what she should do

22:12

about that? I agree with you I

22:15

think she should break up with him because he has ruined things and

22:19

I don't want your mind to be contaminated

22:21

further. So I would probably

22:23

part that situation for a little bit. I would

22:26

put a pin in that for a little bit.

22:28

Go back try to fix your home because you

22:30

don't want to leave. It's different if you wanted to leave and

22:32

you started to fall in love with him. And I would say

22:34

do you know what if you're getting everything else on the ex

22:37

and maybe consider it but you're not. Like you've

22:39

listed everything about your husband you still like

22:41

for me everything goes back to are you still

22:43

in love with the person then after that anything

22:45

can be fixed if the love is still there and

22:47

it very much is in your marriage. So that's why

22:49

I think that you should put all of your concentration

22:52

and as long as you're fucking someone else you're never

22:54

giving your marriage 100% no way.

22:56

You can think you're doing everything by

22:58

the books you can think that you're

23:00

actually normal but you can't because your

23:02

vagina your mind whatever it is elsewhere.

23:05

So yeah I would put start by travelling all

23:08

my energy. And also a message to the hands

23:10

the hands that want to get married the

23:12

hands that in relationship the hands that whatever that

23:14

it is that you dream for your relationship

23:16

goals. Stop depriving yourself of

23:18

how important sex is to so

23:20

many of you it means a lot to

23:22

you your sexuality means a lot to you

23:25

but you're doing good.

23:27

You're doing good now you're saying oh

23:29

it doesn't really matter oh you know it's all it's

23:31

only guys that have this gag in like stop depriving

23:33

yourself of what your truth is like. You're gagging for

23:35

a shaggy. Gagging

23:42

for my shaggy. If you're doing a

23:45

day in stages you know that

23:47

sexually this is not what I'm going

23:49

to need more than this. I wouldn't have married him

23:51

I can't lie. Once

23:55

you get married everything is heightened for

23:57

the clients everything gets worse so. if

24:00

you weren't getting it in the honeymoon pit, oh,

24:03

oh, it marries you for you, I'm gonna get it,

24:05

ah, I'm gonna get it, I'm gonna get it, but

24:07

after you got married, oh my god, honey. Like, for

24:09

religious reasons, or whatever reasons, you guys are waiting until

24:11

you marry, even that one

24:13

tries to do something. That's the best way, please try to,

24:16

like we said earlier, God for you. Try to touch drive,

24:18

please. Just kidding. But like,

24:21

have that conversation in the open way of,

24:23

in a holy way of like, how do you

24:25

hold sex that would, what, like, because people

24:27

still feel it, if you're not not

24:29

with people that have, you still feel horny, maybe you still have that conversation

24:31

in a holy way, like, hey, the new,

24:34

I'm often people of the horn.

24:36

Exactly, we're married now. Yeah, exactly.

24:38

But like, I don't, stop depriving yourself

24:40

of sex, like, oh, it's okay, I don't really mind,

24:42

it's corn, you do mind. You do mind. So sometimes

24:44

a marriage thing, and yeah. You say, from your own,

24:47

it's been a problem, so why we now in this,

24:49

why are we in a marriage? Right. It's been a

24:51

problem where it doesn't feel fit, and stop depriving yourself

24:53

of what your truth is when it comes to sex.

24:55

If you know that you love to be dicked down,

24:58

it's like, you know. You

25:00

drilled, and you did, and you dealt with,

25:02

you know, you love to be drilled, and

25:04

you dealt with, really

25:08

blank about it. It never makes you

25:10

a whore. Fuck,

25:14

stop depriving yourself of your truth. Have you ever

25:16

been drilled? You were wearing the chassis when you

25:18

said that, you know, I was like, that's what

25:20

I was saying, man. I was. You

25:26

haven't, you haven't drilled. You've

25:30

been redundant, depriving yourself of your truth. And

25:32

you know what, that guy said anything, not even just sex. If

25:36

you like date nights, if you like

25:38

whatever, like, you know. Depriving yourself of what

25:40

you know is. Stop depriving yourself. If

25:42

not, you like a good night's sex every night.

25:45

Exactly. Take up space, you're less

25:47

shit. Hey, this thing's important to me. Can you make face

25:49

with it? Also, my thing is that, like,

25:51

as long as you do it for me, I don't, even

25:54

if you don't want to call me every night. As long as you

25:56

do it because you know it makes me happy. Exactly. Once in a

25:58

while, that's a nice compromise. mean. But yeah.

26:01

Stop depriving yourself. But yeah, stop cheating

26:03

sis. Yeah, exactly. You are in a

26:06

predicament. You're fucking big boy

26:08

problem. Oh God. Next dilemma. Next dilemma.

26:11

Dear Big Sisters. Hello. Firstly, I want

26:13

to express my admiration for your podcast.

26:15

It's been a beacon of light during

26:17

some tough times. Your

26:19

wisdom and humour bring joy to my day.

26:21

Tully, I love your brilliance, humour and assertiveness.

26:23

Audrey, congratulations on your baby girl. I pray

26:26

for more life, happiness and success for both

26:28

of you. Lovely lady. Amen. Thank you. Now

26:31

I find myself in a situation where I desperately

26:33

need your advice. Okay. I come from a

26:35

loving but strict Ghanaian family, but who

26:37

have always supported me in everything I do. But

26:39

I've been grappling with body dysmorphia since

26:41

my early teens, particularly concerning

26:43

my extra large chest area. I

26:45

am a 38 J.

26:48

The constant sexualisation has taken a

26:50

toll on my mental and physical health. At

26:53

23, I've made the decision to undergo

26:55

surgery to alleviate this burden.

26:58

However, whenever I've tried to discuss it with my

27:00

parents, they vehemently oppose the idea and

27:02

even threaten to kick me out if

27:05

I go through with it. Despite their love and

27:07

support in other aspects, they simply can't see eye

27:09

to eye with me on this. I've

27:11

tried being open and honest with how I'm feeling

27:13

and expressing my feelings, but they do not

27:16

seem to understand and believe the risks are too much.

27:18

I've already booked the surgery because the

27:20

pain both physical and mental is becoming

27:23

unbearable. Now I'm torn between two

27:25

options. Should I proceed with the surgery

27:27

without informing them, risking potential fallout? Or

27:29

should I stand firm in my decision,

27:31

risking being disowned and kicked out? I

27:33

feel trapped between honouring my own well-being

27:35

and respecting my family's wishes. Your insights

27:37

would mean the world to me with sincere gratitude,

27:39

a sister in need of some help. Let

27:43

me tell you what stood out for

27:45

me there. I feel trapped between honouring

27:47

my own well-being. The rest,

27:49

that's full stop. That's my baby's honour. Yeah.

27:51

My family's wishes can fuck my

27:53

talk. I'm honouring my own well-being

27:55

physically and mentally. Look, what

27:57

your parents are saying is out of fear. scared

28:00

something will happen to you in surgery. Like

28:02

I think anybody who's the assumption that you're going

28:04

into surgery is the fear that what if something

28:07

happens? What it's like they're just scared of all

28:09

the possibilities and they're thinking worst case scenario this

28:11

thing goes wrong you're not here anymore and that's

28:13

why they're like no don't do it. They're not

28:15

considering how it makes you feel what your physical

28:18

back pain is whatever it's just they're scared that

28:20

something might happen during surgery. That is I promise

28:22

you I can almost bet you

28:24

will not get the certain. I can tell you

28:26

now. I can almost bet. I know I don't know your

28:28

parents but I can almost bet the ownership is not happening

28:30

to you. I mean come

28:32

on I think it takes like quite

28:34

a lot for African parents to actually

28:37

disown you and getting surgery for your

28:39

own physical body isn't really

28:41

up there. It's not like you're

28:43

making yourself more think it's good.

28:45

Exactly. You're doing this because physically

28:47

it's it's draining and mentally it's

28:49

draining. You've got every right to do what

28:51

you want to do with your own body and if you feel like this

28:54

is gonna make you happy then I absolutely think you

28:56

should do it and put yourself first. And

28:58

I feel like sometimes if our parents need to set

29:00

the tone like this probably think of all the things

29:02

this is a big thing right surgery like get it

29:04

but think of all the other things that have built

29:06

up to this point that you probably haven't done

29:08

out of fear of your parents disowning you. All

29:11

of those things when you add them up they are stopping

29:13

you from living your best for life. Yeah. Do you

29:15

know what I mean? But when it comes to your

29:17

your physical health and something that's impacting you

29:19

you're in pain you don't like the sexualisation

29:21

that comes with it. I'm sorry sometimes we

29:23

have to just say by our parents like

29:26

it's your body at the end of the day. You're a grown woman

29:28

it's not like you're a young girl you're over the age of 21

29:30

you're a fully grown woman and

29:32

if this is something that you want to do for

29:34

yourself do it like once you make it out alive

29:37

which you will because you're gonna be in God's hands

29:40

your parents will just get over it. Yeah and just safety

29:42

guidelines make sure you tell the next the king, have your

29:44

close cousin or close friend or someone in your family that you

29:46

feel like you can trust. They know what that is happening

29:48

they're there for you they look after you in that time.

29:51

Yeah if you're only serious that oh they

29:53

couldn't disown me. If

29:56

you have no fear about the surgery you have no you like you

29:58

have a shit that they couldn't disown me. And like all my

30:00

it's because if they're scared, a lot

30:02

of our parents thought because out of fear

30:05

they're scared of everything And

30:07

that's what it is If you

30:09

go to this part you become this if you do this

30:11

you become this it's just a fair thing I think especially

30:13

I would do it. Yes. I am

30:15

I would I would want to go on. Yeah, I'm a great child

30:23

Next time I'm next I came. Hey

30:25

ladies, why is it that? I think Okay.

30:30

Hi ladies It wouldn't be

30:32

the seats fashion if I didn't shower you

30:34

both with the compliments you deserve Audrey

30:37

you make me belly laugh every

30:39

It's my fun Listening to someone with the

30:42

same sense of humor as my own and I can

30:44

always count on you to bring my mood up When

30:46

I'm making a dreadful commute to work Holly

30:49

listen, you know, it's giving me the self-confidence

30:51

I didn't know what needed and I finally

30:53

decided to learn to take autonomy over my

30:55

own life and see That it's

30:57

not selfish to put myself first On

31:00

to my dilemma. I'm a

31:02

girl in her early 20s lived in a

31:05

Muslim household and my older sister Who is

31:07

in her late 20s is hiding secrets behind

31:09

my mother's back She

31:13

smokes Drinks and

31:16

is in the serious relationship with a

31:19

boyfriend However, this is

31:21

also supposed to be a secret to me

31:23

too Oh, I accidentally

31:25

found these things out by seeing the

31:27

evidence in her room bag

31:30

phone, etc And I wasn't even

31:32

looking for it To be honest

31:34

if I found these things out by accident this easily

31:36

she should probably do a better job She

31:40

friends a lot of her nights away from

31:42

home at her rent house, which I'm assuming

31:44

is her boyfriend Because she's

31:46

spent so much time away from home sometimes

31:48

for months at a time. My mom has

31:51

rightfully become suspicious as to why She's

31:53

very chill and somewhat liberal mom and is more

31:55

than happy for us to live our lives and

31:58

have all the experiences We possibly if

32:00

we can, within reason. So some of

32:02

the things she's hiding really isn't that deep. And

32:04

with some persuasion, most of it will be forgiven

32:06

and accepted. My mom comes to

32:09

me a lot and vents to me, but my sister doesn't

32:12

stay home often anymore as she wonders what she's up

32:14

to. She doesn't understand why my

32:16

sister would want to stay elsewhere when she

32:18

has a perfectly good rent-free home to stay

32:21

here. I feel so uncomfortable

32:23

knowing exactly the reason why she's staying

32:25

away from home and why she's so

32:27

secretive. My mom has become really stressed

32:29

out and quite upset about it all, and it

32:32

hurts seeing her wonder why my eldest sister is

32:34

moving so secretive and distant. They

32:36

had a really close relationship prior to all the

32:39

sneaking around. My mom has directly asked my sister

32:41

why she doesn't stay home alone and what she's

32:43

up to in her spare time. The

32:45

answers were always vague and filled of

32:48

excuses. So what

32:50

kind of stupid question? She lets her mom what's going on and

32:53

is it my place to say something? Upon a

32:55

full long dilemma, your advice is very much needed.

32:57

A lawyer receipts, babe. If

33:01

my sister snitched on me, I... I... I...

33:05

I... If my sister snitched on

33:07

me, I would

33:10

be human. I

33:13

just think at the end of the day, sometimes

33:15

in this life, you can't take

33:17

on other people's things. This is like according

33:19

to religion and stuff. This is her thing

33:21

that she's doing. Let her take that up

33:23

with God. That's not your place. Whatever

33:26

is meant to come to the light will come to the

33:28

light. I don't think that it's in your

33:30

best interest to go snitch to your mom. But if

33:32

you feel like you're concerned about mom because mom's stressed

33:34

out about it, maybe have a word with your sister

33:36

and just be like, I don't know how close you

33:38

guys are. I'm really close with my sister. And I

33:40

know that my sister would be like, listen, mum's stressed

33:42

out. Like what are you doing? Like make up a

33:44

line. Yeah, exactly. Tell

33:46

us to just move a little bit different

33:48

so that mom's not as stressed or whatever.

33:50

But I personally wouldn't get involved. I

33:54

wouldn't snitch. I'm a young sister

33:56

as well. There

33:59

was no way in God's... I'm thinking of my sister. Like

34:01

I'm thinking about how close I am to my sister,

34:03

like, whatever she'll do. Like, there's no, in

34:05

fact, sometimes I'll call my

34:07

sister before I ask my mum's phone

34:09

calls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like,

34:12

as in I, yeah, exactly what you'd say.

34:14

I'll call my sister to decide to be like, hey, but

34:16

just let you know I know about these things. I think

34:18

mum's clocking on. Just be better, that is. Like,

34:21

maybe stay here for a couple more weeks and then go

34:23

away. Just be better at whatever it is that you're doing.

34:25

But like, mum's catching on to what you're doing. Yeah,

34:28

exactly. I don't know if I'm going to say mum anything.

34:30

And if I'm not coming to say, mum, I don't know. I'm sorry. I

34:32

don't know. Yeah, I really want to say it. I

34:34

know it's upsetting you, but I actually don't know why she's moving like

34:36

this. Yeah. And then have a one on one chat to your

34:38

sister. Because no one seems like

34:40

they're being rude or disrespectful, whatever. She,

34:42

your sister clearly just wants freedom. And the

34:44

thing with the boundaries is that once you can

34:46

stay over one night and you just say, because you

34:48

said your mum's somewhat lenient. So she's pushing the boundaries.

34:50

She's taking the piss because mum's nice. Yeah, exactly. So

34:52

maybe what she needs to do is spend a couple

34:55

days at home so it's not so obvious. Because without

34:57

anybody that's moving in

34:59

secrecy, once you get away with things, you push

35:01

the boundaries. You do more, you do more. And

35:03

that's what she's doing. So once she knows that

35:05

mum's clocking on, she might rein it in a

35:08

little bit. Maybe one week, don't see your boyfriend.

35:10

Maybe one week she won't see her boyfriend just

35:12

to settle mum's nerves a little bit. Yeah.

35:15

But I just, I would do exactly what Toni said. And I guess it was

35:17

quite funny when last born say mum's lenient. Because I

35:19

was on a mum's lenient, I still would be like,

35:21

no, she absolutely bloody isn't. So your older sister would

35:23

have a different experience of your mum. So what you'd

35:26

be like, oh, mum's cool. I can do more.

35:28

She's cool now. Yeah. Because what I

35:30

could get away with from my mum is not what my sister got away with my

35:33

mum. Same here. So yeah, I

35:35

thought you'd just start. Don't snitch. Please, we'll never

35:37

go back. Don't be a snitch. Next

35:39

time, hello mum. Next time, hello mum. Okay. Hello

35:45

ladies. I'm not going to lick batty

35:47

so I'll just get straight to it. I'm

35:50

sorry. What are you? I

36:02

don't want to read this dilemma but I'm sensitive. How

36:06

can you find this? I'm not going to lick

36:08

Bhatti. Exactly. Why are they being nice licking Bhatti?

36:10

And then proceed to send in hella

36:12

pop paragraphs. Anyway, we're

36:15

trying to do better with the Lord's table, read it. Hello

36:19

ladies, I'm not going to lick Bhatti. I'm just getting

36:21

straight to it. I've

36:24

been going out with my boyfriend on and off

36:26

for three and a half years. It started casual

36:28

but now we've met each other's family and

36:30

gone on trips together. He's even recently

36:32

moved in part-time into my flat. I

36:35

was going through his phone, yeah yeah I know, while

36:38

the idiot was sleeping and I found out that one,

36:40

he chewed on me. I don't care too much about

36:42

this one, I can't lie as I've cheated on him

36:44

too. Two,

36:46

he has a black girl fetish. So

36:52

he has a black girl fetish, which I am,

36:54

and while we were split up, would

36:56

meet up with other black women on Tinder and tell

36:58

his co-workers how much he loved black women and referred

37:01

to me as something along the lines of African

37:03

queen and black beauty. Three,

37:05

he showed my news to at least one other

37:07

colleague in the early stages. Four,

37:09

he chapped shit about me in a group

37:12

chat with his mum and his family. No

37:14

outright insults, just generally taking the piss. This

37:16

one doesn't seem to have a racial component

37:18

at first glance, I'm guessing he's right. Five,

37:21

he was in a group chat with other

37:23

men who used racist slurs and he

37:25

said nothing to correct it. Six,

37:27

he has talked about me in a derogatory

37:29

and misogynistic way to other colleagues, objectifying

37:32

and rapey language. I

37:38

didn't expect the black girl fetish before as

37:40

we don't live in a very diverse place, but

37:42

now I have the context. I'm deep in some things he

37:44

has said in the past which seemed innocent at the

37:46

time, like how he only complimented my clothes if

37:48

they were leopard prints. His mum

37:50

wears leopard prints so I figured it was

37:52

just some weird Freudian thing. I

37:55

feel sick of what I've read, the more I

37:57

snoop, the more I... From

38:00

Matt I find I don't know what that means

38:03

I haven't had sex with him since I read the

38:05

messages and I won't ever again I don't love all

38:07

respect him and plan to end things now

38:09

the dilemma part He makes quite a lot

38:12

of money and he sends me racks regularly. He books

38:14

and pays to take me on holiday I've

38:16

already mentally left the relationship But he'll be

38:19

going traveling in a few months and the

38:21

money will likely dry up as you'll be earning

38:23

less Plus he'll be far away so

38:25

I can start dating again or just enjoy a single life

38:28

My birthday is also coming up and he said that

38:30

he will buy me a trip for it like he

38:32

did last year So I'm wondering if it's not worth

38:34

going through the motions until he leaves so I can

38:36

use him for his money While not giving up the

38:38

90 or if ending things soon as possible is the

38:41

more dignified option He has

38:43

a lovely family some of whom I've made friends

38:45

with but I'm also wondering whether To

38:47

send his family and work some

38:49

of the evidence I've collated I have

38:52

proof of the group chat cheating on

38:54

exams and taking cocaine on work postings

38:56

in order to both Embarrass him and

38:58

defend myself preemptively as he

39:00

will lie and try to paint me out as a bad guy Or

39:02

should I just leave it? Do I owe him

39:04

an explanation or can I just ghost him while

39:07

he's away? I'm angry at him for disgracing me.

39:09

So I want the breakup method to have maximum

39:11

impact and hurt Unlike most listeners.

39:13

I am willing to admit. I've already made up my

39:15

mind I just want to know what you think and

39:17

if you know anyone that found out their partner had

39:20

a black fetish This has put me

39:22

off into racial dating forever as you

39:24

just can't trust anyone. Thank

39:26

you for reading There's

39:29

so much to unpack look

39:34

If you come to the wrong place, yeah The

39:37

line I know you come to the wrong place me said I

39:39

want the break up have maximum impact on her I don't really

39:41

live along those lines. That's Yeah,

39:44

that's not my king. It's not necessarily something I

39:46

live for If

39:49

you want to stay with someone that is if you because you're

39:51

black and as I get to find you in train your noon

39:53

Because of some wax Everyone's in their

39:55

own. Yeah, I

39:58

mean leave him there's a lot

40:00

of reasons here you literally put them in bullet

40:02

points like literally of why you shouldn't

40:05

be with this person misogyny, misogynoir,

40:08

racism, he talks shit about you. He

40:10

said your news is on the news. Exactly,

40:13

the only good thing is that he sends

40:15

you money. Let's start making our own. Yeah

40:17

exactly, that's not good enough for me to excuse

40:19

the long list of things that you have an

40:21

issue with and the long list of

40:23

things that he's done and I feel like in

40:26

any situation, if you get

40:28

to the point where you have to

40:30

start plotting and planning mad with veg

40:32

tactics to hurt someone, you should have

40:34

probably left a long time ago. So

40:36

for me it's 100% leave, he's going travelling anyway,

40:38

you've planned on breaking up with him, the only

40:40

reason you want to stay is because of this

40:43

potential money which you're saying is even going to

40:45

decline anyway because he's travelling. So yeah

40:47

just hang it up, forget it. That's

40:49

all. Yeah I'm not that way inclined

40:52

at all. I don't often see the point

40:56

of because you've hurt me I must now find a

40:58

way to hurt you. Let me pack my pack and

41:01

go, let's go kitty cat. Like it's enough,

41:03

it's okay, I've found all these things about

41:05

you, I don't know the privilege of blowing

41:07

up your world. I think many women, many

41:09

people shall have to live up, well

41:11

if I'm not happy you can't be happy, let me blow up everything.

41:14

I don't necessarily believe in burning the house down in

41:16

that kind of way or that kind of sense. Like

41:20

I can't read all those things that someone's done to me and

41:22

say because they're going to like, so

41:24

it's the one closing tomorrow. Even if I don't

41:26

have the money today I'll make it one and

41:28

sit myself away. Like please, like please,

41:30

prioritize yourself in this and get yourself

41:33

out of that situation, that's mad.

41:35

And I don't know anybody who is better surprised

41:37

who's a black girlfriend. I always say

41:39

on here I'm not into an interracial

41:41

relationship, it's not my thing. I know

41:43

very little about it. The last white

41:45

guy I spoke to all day and I was in year eight. It's

41:49

not my bad, I really can't be

41:51

from that element of it either. But

41:53

just being fetishized for a start-up, that's probably

41:55

quite easy then. Yeah that's why I don't, I'm just not into

41:57

it. I'm not into the explanation of it, I'm not into the possibility.

42:00

I'm like it's long for me. I

42:02

don't like things like that. Yeah me too,

42:04

me too, me too, me too. But like

42:06

good luck. Good luck. Yeah. Maybe

42:12

I'm just sensitive. Maybe the whole I'm not gonna

42:14

lick back. Because you could have just

42:16

said hey straight to the point. Yeah exactly. But you

42:18

know right next element. Hi beautiful

42:20

ladies. That's me. Exactly. That's what

42:22

we like to hear man. Um

42:26

before I tell you Madam Emma I'd like to make

42:28

a small request that you never stop this podcast. I

42:30

can 100 imagine myself still listening

42:32

to you in my 60s and making best

42:34

friends something you guys said in the podcast

42:36

with my grandkids. You truly make a difference

42:38

and make my working from home days still

42:40

less alone and more fun. Anyways

42:42

onto my dilemma. Me and my boyfriend have

42:45

been together for over four years now. Okay.

42:47

We had a mini break in between and

42:49

got back together. He's my best friend and

42:51

I truly love him. We talk

42:53

about literally everything and even when

42:55

we don't agree we both seem

42:57

to know when to compromise. Okay.

42:59

However we've hit

43:02

a roadblock when it comes to matters of

43:04

finding a prenup. For reference we met

43:06

three friends of friends and it wasn't until

43:08

after we made our relationship public that my

43:10

friends told me that he's a rich. I

43:13

briefly brought it up with him and he said he

43:15

wasn't ready to disclose his financial situation at the time. He

43:18

then casually asked me if I would find

43:20

a prenup which I said yes this

43:23

was about three months into the relationship. Fast

43:25

forward to now I know a

43:27

lot more about his financial situation.

43:29

He sounds lit. He's not rich

43:32

but rather from a comfortable family. In

43:35

the sense that they brought him a house that

43:37

everything he earns doesn't go to rental utilities. Even

43:40

still he complains about money just like

43:42

the average Joe. That's a disguise. When

43:46

I originally agreed to the prenup I thought he

43:49

had a fuck off amount of money but after

43:51

four years together I realized he doesn't. His parents

43:53

did. They used to buy him everything he wanted

43:55

but since they brought him the house they've stopped

43:57

him in that. Here's my thought. but

44:00

not went in front of me now. He's

44:02

not changed my life in a financial sense. I

44:05

still worry about money every day. I like a

44:07

full-time job and pay for half of everything. We

44:10

don't come and live together, and we did in

44:12

the past and then broke up to pursue our

44:14

dreams. After we broke up, I had to move

44:16

back very quickly to a shitty place and live

44:18

with four strangers. And because I didn't have the

44:20

space, I had to leave everything I brought in

44:22

our old flat. I bring that

44:24

up to say I never want to be in that

44:26

position ever again. My biggest fear

44:28

is that I'm leaving with him, get married,

44:30

get comfortable in the house, buy things to

44:32

make it more homely, invest in so much

44:34

more in our future, for it all to

44:36

be pulled out from under me, and we

44:38

have to start all over again from scratch if

44:41

we were to break up. FYI,

44:43

we talked about it, and when we moved

44:45

back in together, I wouldn't pay bills just

44:47

when... He's a prick making me pay bills

44:50

because I bought that house for him. You didn't even pay him.

44:52

He wasn't. He's

44:55

a uncle. However,

44:59

we have plans to invest all the rest

45:01

of our money onto something else, so I

45:03

wouldn't actually be able to save individually. PS,

45:05

I suggested that I would be happy to

45:07

sign a cleanup, pertaining to any

45:09

other assets he might require on his

45:12

own or through inheritance, but he's very

45:14

adamant on protecting everything he has if

45:16

we break up. Should I

45:18

give in and sign a cleanup when we get married,

45:20

or should I stand my ground? Thanks for reading this,

45:22

if you do. Lots of love. I

45:25

think I've said a few times, I'm not really

45:27

against prenups, but this is a little bit

45:29

different because I feel like I've

45:31

always taught from the start if someone accumulated a

45:34

lot of wealth before you came into the relationship

45:36

and someone wants to protect that. I'm not mad

45:38

at it. But I

45:40

think, like, with this situation, it's a bit

45:42

different, because you're kind of coming in somewhat

45:44

equal pegging, and it feels

45:46

like he's trying to kind of oust you

45:48

from the situation a little bit. Um...

45:55

I think I failed about to say

45:57

that prenups, I think sometimes

45:59

people think... is one way it can

46:01

very much go two ways so what I would suggest

46:03

is I'll sign it but this has to be mutually

46:05

beneficial for both of us. That's why I thought

46:07

it was a prenup wasn't a thing where you're

46:10

just screwed over. I think it I thought it

46:12

allowed meaning that nobody is screwed over. Yeah exactly.

46:14

And then the others were getting a divorce they're

46:16

hate here and were more likely to

46:18

screw each other over. I just think prenups were signed

46:20

whilst I was doing this love process to

46:22

make sure that like nobody's screwed over so

46:25

it would mean that you are also looked

46:27

after rather than it just being him. So

46:29

if he's saying that he wants ownership of

46:31

everything he brings in so that means I

46:33

assume that means you have ownership of everything you

46:36

bring in. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

46:38

Because there's no way he's going to say that he just

46:40

wants everything. Like that's impossible. Who the hell would sign that?

46:42

Because he says he's very adamant on

46:44

protecting everything he has if he breaks

46:46

up. I guess that's his thing. Things

46:48

that he has. Yeah. Maybe things like

46:50

that. Maybe he's got a lot of valuable objects in

46:53

the house. I don't know. But I don't have an

46:55

issue with that. But yeah I think that the prenup

46:57

can be curated so that both parties are happy and

46:59

I thought that's what you should present to him. Just

47:01

be like listen in the event that you know God

47:04

forbid there's a separation, there's a divorce

47:06

or whatever. How can we work this so

47:08

that it is fair? And

47:10

I think that you know and then you've got to bring

47:12

to the table the things that you require and desire. And

47:14

once that is you know that's what the lawyers are there

47:17

for. You have your lawyer, he has your lawyer or you

47:19

have someone that's doing it for both of you. Once that's

47:21

agreed upon, sign it. Like I've never had an issue with

47:23

prenups ever. I don't care. Like again

47:25

if I was in that situation so long

47:27

as me and my children are a

47:59

fair. thing to do. I think there's a way to

48:01

make the prenup thing fair. If he says he wants ownership

48:03

of everything, what does that mean? Is it the house that

48:06

I'm using before you owned it? And if you feel don't

48:08

feel secure in that house, be like, hey, can you rent

48:10

that house and get back somewhere for most of

48:13

you? There's nothing wrong with saying that I feel

48:15

like really jaded from the last situation when I

48:17

felt like I was just left and I had

48:19

nothing. I never want to feel like that again.

48:21

So here's a prenup that will work for both of us. But if you

48:24

feel like there's a hint of not a sign

48:26

for something, then you don't have to do

48:28

it. Maybe don't go there. Or get your

48:30

own lawyer to make you look over everything.

48:32

Don't do something here. Don't go ignorant. Because

48:35

I don't agree with this. You look old, try

48:37

to make it soft and make it sound like

48:39

luxury. I think my husband thought that. I think

48:41

it's stupid. You're dumb. You

48:43

can't not say you know nothing about a financial situation in

48:45

your house because your husband thought that out. I thought they

48:47

would put the rug under you. And some people are like,

48:49

yeah, we're fucked. My husband was sorting it all

48:51

out. My husband was doing it all. Open your

48:54

eyes. Shine yourself. Come on. Please be reading, getting

48:56

your own lawyers. Like do what you need to

48:58

do. It happens all the time. Every housewife has

49:00

ever been screwed over. That's gone to jail. It's

49:02

because they didn't know their husband was doing it. They

49:04

were signing things, thinking that the relationship

49:06

was going to last forever. These times they're using your signature

49:08

and it's not because you think you love this person.

49:10

You know, you want to think that, you know, what's

49:13

mine is his and vice versa. But people are

49:15

using your signatures to do all kinds of mad

49:17

things. There's nothing wrong with like being a stay

49:19

at home, stay at home mum or whatever. But

49:21

read documents, like know what you're signing. Be smart.

49:23

Even if they don't forge you, it could be a situation

49:25

where your husband's not even in a great financial situation. He doesn't

49:27

want to tell you because he doesn't want to add the stress

49:30

onto you. You're thinking, oh yeah, bills have been paid, houses

49:32

have been paid. Suddenly someone's looking at your door

49:34

saying, okay, you haven't paid your mortgage, you haven't

49:36

paid your shop because you didn't know that. Like

49:38

I think, yeah, you can be a

49:40

housewife, you can be this traditional wife

49:42

or whatever, but engage your brain. Also

49:44

be an asset in that relationship, like

49:46

participate in it. Yeah, definitely. Oh, and when

49:49

I say housewives, I meant real housewives. Not

49:51

housewives. Yeah. But yeah, I think

49:53

that if you feel

49:58

like, oh, someone a bit dodgy here. trying

50:00

to screw you over. It doesn't feel good to

50:02

you. It doesn't feel good to you at all. And there's a reason.

50:04

I don't know what your conversations are, I

50:06

bet it's him. I think it's something in his personality. Because

50:09

she's saying that, you know, he's got

50:11

all this money, his parents are very

50:13

comfortable, whatever. I think there's things

50:15

that he's doing that's making her feel like he has the

50:17

potential to screw her over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because... Get

50:20

your own lawyer then. Don't just be like, I'm calling

50:22

your personal lawyer. Don't use your family lawyer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

50:24

So these people, if they don't have money, if their family

50:27

has access, they can easily screw

50:29

you over. Their family knows shit. Their family

50:31

know people. They have access. They can make

50:33

things pop. So I feel like if

50:35

you trust the relationship, you want the relationship to work, invest

50:37

in your own lawyer as well and just have someone that's

50:39

on your side legally. You're not getting band-sided

50:41

and you're not going to be that legal insight. Totally

50:44

agree. Because I don't know many niggas that

50:46

bring up the word prenup. So I

50:48

don't know many people, should I say, that bring up the

50:50

word prenup and like, hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, because it's

50:52

not even a thought process for them. They just marry and have

50:54

a little jolly. Yeah, just get married and just hope for the

50:57

best kind of thing. For him to say it, his family

50:59

must. Yeah, they must. Do you know what I mean? They must

51:01

be something there. Yeah, it's coming from somewhere. So that's what

51:03

I would do. Yeah, it might be his

51:05

dad to be like, make sure. Yeah, I'm not going

51:07

to have my family wealth, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, rich

51:10

people are different. Yeah, rich people are different. Rich people

51:12

are different. Like their rules and regulations are different to

51:14

others' regulations. So just make

51:16

sure you don't go in into this ignorant. Exactly.

51:18

Be smart. Yeah, like, yeah, my family might not

51:21

be rich, but I'm not stupid. Yeah, I'm not

51:23

a dickhead. Yeah, exactly. We're not stupid. You're not

51:25

going to mug me off. That's

51:27

what I would say. Yeah, me too. I totally agree. But

51:31

yeah, that's it. That's all, folks. That's all.

51:33

I'm still reeling off the jungle fever. Yeah,

51:35

I mean, that was very weird, that

51:37

whole thing. But yeah, I hope

51:39

this has worked out. Blessings and good luck

51:42

to everybody involved. Thank

51:44

you guys so much for listening to this

51:46

episode of the Receipts Podcast. If you guys

51:48

have any dilemmas, you can actually submit them

51:50

from our website, which is

51:52

thereceiptspodcast.co.uk. Sure is. And

51:55

if you go onto that, you can actually

51:57

submit your dilemmas directly from there. And

52:00

come straight to our

52:02

doorstep. Thank you

52:04

all so much for listening. I've been your girl

52:06

Tolly Jane. Just for the Audrey. Bye! Bye!

52:10

This episode is for you by Spotify. I sure it is.