0:03

Hey , this

0:06

is Abby . It is 10.50

0:08

Monday

0:11

night , september 4th

0:13

. I

0:17

think the last time I recorded

0:19

was on

0:22

Thursday night

0:24

. I think it's been such a blur

0:26

. Guys , I'm

0:30

happy , I'm

0:32

healthy , I

0:34

am clear

0:37

headed for , I'd say

0:41

, the first time in my life . I

0:53

want to try to collect my thoughts because I

0:56

want to give everybody a recap

0:58

on who I am

1:01

, because

1:07

I came out this weekend . I am

1:10

29 years old . A lot of

1:16

people know me by a lot of different things because

1:18

, as

1:20

trans people , what we

1:23

do is we mask , and we're really good at it

1:25

. That's our superpower

1:27

. It's what keeps us up at night

1:29

, it's what drives us

1:33

to look , for we

1:36

do what we have to do , what we've

1:38

been told we have to do during the day

1:40

. For me

1:43

at least , I'm just talking for me . I

1:48

stay up at night because that's

1:50

where I find myself . I'm trying

1:59

to explain so many thoughts . I

2:02

want to explain everything to everybody . I

2:05

want to do it all at one time because

2:08

I want to . Anyway

2:15

, I'm going to get emotional

2:17

and I'm going to cry because it's

2:19

been a long couple of days . It's been a great

2:21

couple of days . I

2:24

want to give you guys a recap . I

2:27

don't know how to do that to make sense , because

2:29

in my head I

2:32

want to reach out to all the people that have reached

2:34

out to me . I've had bits

2:36

and pieces of conversation with

2:39

so many beautiful , lovely people that have taken

2:41

the time to see me . I can

2:46

just say that I was God

2:50

. I'm smiling and crying because

2:52

that's me , I guess

2:54

. Okay

2:57

, okay , okay , let me just rewind

2:59

it a little bit . Let me go back

3:01

and stop . Okay

3:04

, let

3:06

me pretend this is the first episode of

3:08

this , whatever this is that

3:11

you've ever heard . Let me pretend you don't

3:13

want to go and catch up with like odds

3:16

and ends of six

3:19

episodes of like a broken

3:21

person crying out to

3:24

somebody . I'm going

3:29

to try really hard right now to like explain

3:33

me without defending myself

3:36

, because I feel

3:40

like I know I have

3:42

so many faults and I'm going to get to all of those

3:44

. But I'm just going to talk openly

3:46

. I'm going to talk as Abby , I'm going to talk

3:48

as just , and you're going to hear

3:50

Jacob's voice . You're going to hear a

3:53

deep , masculine , southern voice . You're going to hear

3:55

a soft , feminine voice and

3:57

that's going to be really confusing and let me tell you guys

3:59

, it's really confusing for me too and

4:05

I want to figure it out because

4:07

I know there's something in me , there's something

4:09

in my story and it's

4:11

not like it's not extra special . I don't

4:14

think that I just hung the moon , I

4:16

don't . I'm

4:18

a confused trans person in

4:21

Arkansas who somehow

4:24

, some way , has made her way . You

4:27

know , 29 years , and I've

4:29

got some skills and I've got some life lessons

4:32

and you know I've been , I like to say

4:34

I've been rode hard and put up wet , as cheesy

4:36

as that sounds , and there's not a , there's

4:39

not a thing I've done in my life that like

4:41

I haven't paid the price for that I didn't do . You

4:45

know , I've

4:47

got a lot of faults , I've done a lot of things and

4:53

I want to try to explain that without

4:55

defending it . You know I don't . I

4:57

always defend myself and it's such a barrier

4:59

when I talk to people because I'm okay

5:02

, I'll get to that . I

5:04

just want to do , I want to do this thing that my

5:06

couple therapist taught

5:09

me and my wife because

5:11

I'm still married . I'll

5:15

get to that too , but

5:18

this is a good thing . You

5:21

know , I have

5:24

a hard time like hearing

5:28

criticism Like I don't , but

5:30

I do . I can take it on

5:32

the chin like the best of them . But , like , when it comes

5:34

to like , I'll

5:38

get to that , I'll get to that

5:41

, I'm good , guys , I promise I'm good and

5:43

I say guys again . I say guys just because

5:45

I'm a 29

5:48

year old . Until

5:50

March of this year I pretended

5:52

and masked and

5:55

tried to perfect a cis

5:57

, white gender male

5:59

in Arkansas . So

6:02

that's going to come out because I'm going

6:04

to tell you I've got a lot of transphobia

6:07

in me . You know , I just do . I

6:12

won't get to that in so many . I have so

6:14

much to say . But

6:17

anyway , okay , sorry , sorry

6:19

. Here I go trying to defend myself

6:21

. I'm saying I'm not going

6:23

to defend myself and then I'm trying to defend myself

6:26

. So if you oh god

6:28

damn , okay , sorry , shit

6:30

, that cuss a lot and I'm

6:32

sorry about that . But I'm not sorry because , fuck

6:35

it , that's who I am and I can

6:37

work on that . If I'm

6:39

in your living room and if I'm talking to you personally

6:41

, if I get to have a communication

6:44

, like a personal relationship with you on

6:46

a personal level , I will find everything

6:49

. You , if you don't like cussing , you

6:51

have to say it one time and let me tell you I will

6:53

never probably cuss in front of you again and if

6:55

I do . I will know it and I will

6:57

fucking fucking remember

6:59

that for the rest of my life , because that's my curse

7:01

but that's also my superpower . So

7:05

let me just tell you about me . Let me just try to like catch

7:07

you up to speed and let me try to catch

7:10

myself up to speed , because I'm

7:15

29 years old . I

7:17

I've got a career that

7:19

I've worked 10 years at right

7:22

. I've had two marriages

7:24

, I've got two kids , I've got three step

7:27

kids . I've got a string of

7:29

friends , I've got a string of people that I think

7:31

I've touched and that let me say

7:33

this let me just talk from my point of view and not talk

7:35

for other people . That is what I . I

7:37

have a habit of that and it's not out of it's

7:39

not out of arrogance . I

7:42

know as a cis white male who's passionate

7:45

and it comes off . It comes off as an angry

7:47

white male , and we all have angry white

7:49

men in our lives that that

7:52

have hurt us . You

7:56

know what ? I look like one and

7:59

I act like one because I tried to be one

8:01

for a long time . It

8:05

really hurts . When I'm mourning , then

8:07

maybe it's through this podcast , maybe it's through

8:09

life I'm

8:12

mourning that like I try to pretend

8:14

to be somebody . It

8:17

wasn't a bad thing . I'm not saying like , I'm

8:19

not saying a cis white male is a bad thing

8:22

. I'm not . It's not a cuss word , it's not

8:24

a bad thing . But

8:26

what I , what I did

8:28

, I

8:31

tried to be somebody that I wasn't and

8:35

I tried to go against my own grade and

8:37

go against what I knew , what I

8:39

knew , what I thought was

8:41

right , and I and now

8:44

there's a lot of reasons

8:46

for that . There's religion , there's

8:48

, there's internal thoughts , there's just

8:50

, there's molestation , there's , there's

8:53

the thought , there's this it doesn't

8:55

matter what led to it . I'm

8:57

a very , very complex person . We're all

8:59

very complex people . We can't explain

9:02

ourselves . We don't have words to explain ourselves

9:04

. But

9:06

I know we all want to . I

9:10

know we do . I know everyone that

9:12

I don't know who's going to listen to this , but

9:14

I know that the people I'm trying to talk to and

9:17

I would call you out by name , but

9:19

I don't want to like embarrass you with , like , my story

9:21

. I don't want you to be tied

9:23

to this mess that I am . One

9:27

day , when I get it all together , I'm going

9:29

to come back and I'm going to tell you , I'm

9:32

going to show you , I'm going to prove it to you because

9:34

that's what I got to do , that's what , that's what I

9:36

, that's what

9:38

I'm going to go , okay , so I

9:41

think it's going to . This is going to sound crazy and

9:44

I promise guys , this

9:46

is the last time that you're going to

9:48

get this like real emotional , just raw

9:51

, unfiltered , uncut

9:53

, just like I'm outside

9:55

just recording on a job . But

9:58

God bless it all , how

10:00

long are we into this ? And I'm not even gone to

10:02

the point of what I'm trying to get to . I'm

10:09

still trying to defend myself . That's

10:11

what I'm doing right now . I just realized I'm still

10:13

trying to defend my space and

10:16

right now I am at my

10:18

chosen dad's house . I

10:21

have been here since Thursday and

10:24

you know what ? The outside world doesn't exist here

10:27

. I've been able to sit here

10:29

in this peaceful country's place with

10:32

no cell service , really with , with

10:34

, with Shawty , honestly , just real

10:36

Shawty electrical . This house

10:38

was built in like the 40s , piece

10:41

by piece , like that Johnny Cash song , one piece

10:43

at a time . My dad

10:45

, steve , his dad , who just died

10:47

he was a great man too

10:50

, and I'm still I haven't even had the time to

10:52

process that but

10:55

he built this place by

10:59

himself and with the help from his

11:01

community , and

11:03

this

11:06

place has always been here for me

11:08

. Shit , okay , I'm just

11:10

oh , man , I can't get my thoughts

11:12

together to save my life . But

11:15

you know what ? What's funny about

11:17

that is like I thought I had to get all my shit

11:19

together to

11:21

save my life , but really all I had to do was

11:23

put my mess out there . And

11:27

all you beautiful people , sorry

11:30

, sorry , sorry . You guys came

11:32

and

11:34

some of you , some of you know the Jacob

11:36

that was confused and and

11:39

and did things and and , and . You know

11:41

, I know there's a difference in

11:44

impact and intention and

11:46

we'll get to that , I promise

11:48

. Guys , I go to therapy . I know I

11:51

know all the things . I think I know

11:53

some things . I don't know all the things and it sounds so

11:55

way too cocky . I know

11:57

a lot of healthy things . I do a lot

12:00

of soul searching , but I do it alone and

12:02

I do it at night and I

12:05

do it in sad ways and

12:09

I want to talk about those because I know that

12:11

. I know there are other people like my friend George

12:13

and I know there are people like my friend Bobby

12:15

. I know people that are

12:18

out there that we don't want to talk about

12:20

it because it's ugly and it's dirty and

12:22

it's it's messy and it's so hard

12:24

to explain , but

12:27

we all have those moments where we we

12:29

find our retreat to our reality

12:31

right , whatever that looks like and

12:34

for me we'll get to what it looks like for me , but

12:36

for right now , this is my reality and I just want

12:38

to recap Thursday

12:40

Thursday

12:44

, I think , whatever that was just the

12:46

September 2nd

12:49

. First , I want to try to recap what

12:51

happened there and

12:53

all the thoughts and the connections I've made until

12:56

now . I have so much to talk

12:58

about and I have 29 years of pent

13:00

up , just like alone thoughts and

13:05

the more I talk to people , the more I'm

13:07

hearing the same thing that I'm going through

13:09

and I want to . I just want to yell at

13:11

people like an angry white man and just tell

13:13

them that I love them and that they're loved . And

13:15

if they could just see , if

13:17

they could just see it , if they could just

13:19

trust me , if they could just

13:21

trust my words that I

13:23

love them , because I mean it when I say it to

13:26

everybody . I mean I love you and

13:29

I want to help you . You

13:33

know I don't forget anything . I forget

13:35

things . I want to forget , but I I remember

13:38

so many stupid things

13:40

and so many dumb connections with people

13:42

that you know I've . Okay

13:45

, we'll get to that too . Shit , oh

13:47

my goodness . Oh my goodness , I'm so

13:49

sorry . I'm so sorry you have to hear me do

13:51

this . This is the last time . I think

13:53

. If I can just do this , like if

13:55

I can , just if I can , just if you , if

13:57

I can bend y'all's ear for like 30 minutes

14:00

an hour , whatever I need , if y'all would just

14:02

give me that space Now

14:05

you know why I'm asking your permission . That's

14:08

how broken I am . We'll

14:14

get to that . So let's just pause , let me just stop

14:16

. Let me just say let me just take

14:18

a deep breath , snort

14:21

my stout in and make your headphones

14:23

horrible . I promise this

14:25

is the last time that I'm gonna interrupt

14:28

your thoughts and your ears this way

14:30

. I'll try to get better , because

14:32

I'm gonna keep doing this , even if , if you guys

14:34

don't , if no one likes it . I like it

14:37

. Abby

14:39

J Moody likes doing this . I

14:42

like trying to connect the dots in my life

14:44

and I like trying to help people and

14:46

I'm gonna fumble the bag with it and I'm gonna

14:48

do . I'm gonna talk loud , I'm

14:50

gonna get passionate and

14:52

I'm gonna and maybe I'm gonna

14:54

I'm gonna brush up on so many invisible

14:56

wounds that people have and I just

14:58

want you to know I'm thinking about

15:00

those right now . I'm thinking about all the people

15:02

in my mind and all

15:05

of their stories . I'm trying to tell my story

15:07

to fit

15:09

their story perfectly , but I can't do that

15:11

. That's that's when I

15:13

say it out loud . That is

15:15

such an impossible thing to do and

15:17

it sounds so silly . So

15:21

I'm gonna sit here and I'm gonna try to recap and

15:23

catch everyone . I'm gonna try to catch myself up

15:25

to speed , because I put a lot of content

15:27

out there , I put a lot of information about me out

15:29

there and I've

15:31

gone radio silent to a lot of people

15:33

. You know I grew up in a

15:36

big city , in a small

15:38

school in a big city . You know

15:42

, I think I think we had six high schools

15:44

, five or six high schools in a like a

15:46

big , massive , like resort town , quote

15:49

, unquote . We can discuss

15:52

that later , you can . You can call

15:54

me . My number is out there , my

15:56

. My email is abbeyjmoody114

15:59

at gmail . Week

16:02

week . Hey , I'm just . If

16:04

I just say this , I think I can stop rambling

16:06

so much . I'm gonna say it like Jacob

16:08

, because I'm gonna

16:11

switch up my voice , because that's what I do . I

16:13

switch and I survive and I'm gonna survive

16:15

this podcast . I'm

16:18

gonna survive this little bit of time that

16:20

it takes . I'm gonna stop and slow my mind down

16:22

. I'm gonna stop thinking about all the

16:24

people that I've met and all the beautiful things

16:26

people have told me for the first

16:29

time . I'm

16:31

gonna stop and I'm gonna . I'm gonna stop thinking

16:33

about them for an hour , because I've

16:37

been trained that that maybe not trained

16:39

. I've told myself , I've conditioned myself

16:41

that that is selfish and

16:45

that I need to be all things to all people

16:47

. You know , I've

16:49

got a lot of problems with religion and I would

16:51

love to deconstruct to

16:54

the mass . I don't know . I

16:56

want to deconstruct my entire life . I'm the 29

16:59

year old trans woman . You know , I've got

17:01

a lot of truths , but I've got a lot of things that

17:03

I know . That . I know

17:05

that , I think I know , but

17:07

I know I know them wrong . You

17:10

know , and this is what this

17:13

is , I'm going to tell you about Abbey J Moody

17:15

, all of her highs

17:17

, all of her lows . You're going to hear cockiness

17:19

, you're going to hear confidence and you're going to hear

17:21

sadness . And

17:25

if you don't like anything about that , that

17:27

is okay , because I am okay with

17:29

that . I don't like anything about me most of the

17:31

time . You know you

17:34

can call me my number's

17:36

. Out there I run a business . I'm not hiding

17:38

anymore . You know my

17:41

number is 5017010725

17:44

. You can call me to cuss at me

17:46

. You can call me to tell me that I'm wrong . You can call

17:48

me to

17:51

tell me that I'm right . You can call me to

17:53

fix your camper . You can call me to see if I

17:55

know a guy that can do any I

17:58

have . I just want to talk to people . I

18:00

want to meet people . You

18:03

know I've had enough bad experiences

18:05

to fill plenty

18:08

of time . You know I've

18:10

got , I've got . I've . This

18:13

is going to sound so stupid , but I'm just going to say it . I

18:16

put it on a TikTok today but like , oh

18:19

my gosh , now we'll get to that in due time . I

18:21

am 16 , a 20 minutes in , probably

18:23

, and I haven't said a damn thing . I don't think there's

18:26

the longest intro of my life . I'm going to keep

18:29

it to an hour , I think . Okay

18:31

, I'm going to say like two sentences to

18:33

regroup my thoughts and

18:36

again , I'm not going to edit this , I'm just talking

18:38

. If you have critiques , if

18:40

you have ideas on how I could do this better

18:43

. Let me tell you . I

18:45

also know what I'm doing wrong and I would

18:47

like to fix it . I just need you to tell

18:49

me . You know I've made a habit of

18:51

falling in love with strong , independent women and then turns out I'm a strong

18:54

, independent woman too , which has led

18:56

to some discourse . You know , if

19:01

we can be silly about it

19:03

before I get all sad about it . You know a little bit . You

19:07

know I got , as the great Paul

19:09

Newman said , in , in , in , in Butch Cassidy and

19:11

the Sundance Kid boy . I've got vision

19:13

and the rest of the world's wearing bifocals

19:16

. You

19:19

know , I , I , I watch that with my granddad

19:22

when I was I don't know shit young seven , eight , it

19:24

was more , I'd say . It's like a

19:27

core memory watching that movie . I love that fucking movie , the

19:29

whole fucking vibe , the everything , the hey . Why

19:31

are we robbing fucking drains and killing

19:33

our asses ? Why don't we go to Bolivia

19:36

? It's easier to rob banks there and you know what

19:41

. They go to Bolivia . Hey , if you haven't seen it , I hate to spoil it . It is about

19:43

50

19:47

something years old . So I think we're good . But you know , they go to

19:49

Bolivia to to chase their

19:53

dreams and they get shot down doing

19:55

what they wanted to do , but that movie is so beautiful

19:57

. I'm just going to wax poetically about

19:59

that movie because you

20:03

know what , you know what I'm . Okay , let me just stop and

20:06

think again . I have so many thoughts , guys

20:08

, and I just want to get them

20:10

out , and

20:13

what I need is y'all to

20:15

just tell me how to do it . I'm

20:17

just going to talk right now

20:20

for the next hour . This is like a . This is this is

20:22

me dreaming big . This is me putting it all in the line

20:24

. This is me , me

20:28

. This is me showing you Jacob Moody transitioning

20:32

into Abbey Moody , because

20:37

a lot of you guys know me as Jacob and I want to , and I just want to get out and I

20:39

want to . And I know me as Jacob

20:41

. Right , I was Jacob . I'm not . I'm

20:43

not . Let me

20:45

tell you also this is this might sound ignorant

20:47

, and none of this is what . None of what I'm going to

20:49

say is probably going to be groundbreaking or new

20:52

. It's not . I'm not that

20:54

. I'm not that egotistical , but

20:57

it's new to me . Right , it

20:59

is . It is . It is connections that I

21:01

am making on questions

21:03

that I have personally wondered about my entire

21:05

life . You

21:08

know , oh God

21:11

, I got to stop smoking If

21:14

everyone had like a fucking feminine

21:17

voice . But

21:19

I like my voice . I think I've got a voice for radio

21:22

. I don't know , I

21:26

just need guidance . I just

21:28

need , I

21:32

just need to cook . You know , I've been

21:34

okay , that's what I need

21:36

to do . I just need to cook and that's what I'm going to do . Like

21:39

Russell Wilson in the pocket , george , you know what I'm

21:41

talking about . Like Russell Wilson

21:43

in the pocket . Like Blake Bortles . You

21:45

know Blake Bortles , nobody believed him . Blake Bortles

21:47

, everybody gone got

21:49

on and just

21:51

made fun of that poor sweet prince . And

21:54

that man , that man was the most honest

21:56

man I've ever known . I got into

21:58

football because I was 21

22:01

years old and I was at

22:03

a church in a small group and I was

22:05

with older men and I have

22:07

dick shit in common with them . Let me tell you

22:09

, I was a closeted

22:11

bisexual freak that just didn't

22:13

really want to be at church at the time . You

22:16

know , I

22:19

was me and I didn't want to be me because

22:21

I thought me being me was bad

22:24

, and so I

22:26

got into football . But you know what I did

22:28

because I'm me . I don't want

22:30

to try to brag , I'm just I'm trying to explain

22:32

the quirkiness and like I'm

22:35

a Jacksonville Jaguars fan and

22:37

if I could fucking count if

22:39

I had a nickel for every time that someone

22:41

. I have told someone that and they're like the

22:44

fuck , ryan

22:46

, you know who you are . If

22:49

you hear this , ryan , just so you know

22:51

I'm in love with you . I always have been . You're beautiful

22:54

and I think you're a great person and

22:56

yeah , so

22:59

you know what I'm talking about . Sorry

23:04

, that was really dumb and stupid , but

23:08

you know what ? I'm kind of dumb and stupid and I like that . I have never had

23:10

the chance to be dumb and

23:16

stupid and a lot of , and you know the people that I love and the people

23:19

that I surround myself with and

23:21

the people that I'm passionate about and the stories that

23:25

I love hearing . They didn't have

23:27

a chance either . They never had a chance to like say fuck it and throw

23:30

their wrench down and just figure out

23:32

what the hell they

23:37

wanted to do . And

23:41

yeah , we can all say , oh , yeah , I had a summer and

23:43

, fucking , I had a weekend here . I could have figured

23:48

it out . No , you couldn't , you couldn't . I've been a

23:50

lot of people that I've been a lot with

23:53

, but still , I did my best . I think the careers that , the

23:57

careers that I've been

23:59

working into , and the

24:01

guys and the formula that I appreciated

24:04

a lot . But if you want a personal element that I actually you know , if

24:06

you want something that

24:08

can can be anything , you can even tell . You

24:11

know you're not real good at businesses

24:13

. Listen , I actually , you

24:16

know , at least within these three years

24:18

I've been 对 those days . It may be stuff like this

24:20

, but right now you feel think we're at the point where they can love me

24:22

the way that I need to be loved and

24:25

that's okay . Um , I don't have

24:27

hate in my heart for anybody . I re I really

24:29

, when I think about it . I don't . I

24:33

have a lot of hate for me . I

24:38

am angry at myself all

24:40

of the time . Yeah

24:44

, unless

24:50

, like , unless someone else told me that

24:52

I was worth something or that I was good

24:54

. I

24:57

went back to my default setting of just like

25:00

a being a bump on the log when

25:02

I tell you my childhood was just like sitting

25:05

in . If

25:08

anyone in my family hears this and you get

25:10

offended by this , like , you can email me

25:12

, you can you have my number ? Like

25:14

, call me . Your number is not

25:16

blocked If you call me

25:18

and you just say , hey , abby , I want to talk

25:20

, or hey , you can call me moody , that's what people

25:22

call me in my , in my field . That seems

25:25

like a good in between for right now . You

25:27

know , moody , I'm a moody bitch . I

25:30

have been moody my entire life and

25:32

I I wear that with a , with

25:34

honor and pride . I really do . I love

25:36

my last name , I love , I love myself

25:38

and I do and

25:41

I'm saying that for the first time and I mean it for

25:43

the first time but

25:46

that's a new feeling , that that is a feeling that

25:48

has happened over the course of this weekend

25:50

. Um , and I'll get

25:52

to why I'm finally getting to that point

25:55

but like , let me go back in time and

25:57

this is going to be broken and this is

25:59

going to this is not going to be accurate , this is not

26:02

. People are going to hear this and you're going to

26:04

think , oh , you're overplaying it . Or , if

26:06

you know me personally , you're going to think it wasn't that

26:08

way . And I I

26:10

mean this respectfully , with

26:12

all the love in my heart , because

26:15

I know the old saying there is two

26:18

sizes of story . In somewhere in

26:20

the middle there's the truth . It's

26:25

11 o'clock at night . I

26:28

haven't even checked my bank account because , fuck

26:30

it , money's not real . I don't

26:32

know . I'm

26:36

trying to build a business and then

26:38

, just to be real about it

26:40

, the woman that I'm in love with that I

26:42

don't

26:45

know the woman , if I'm going to bluntly , I left my

26:47

first marriage for it because she promised

26:49

me she showed me enough of

26:51

myself . She let me , she let me cook enough

26:53

. I fell

26:55

in love with this . Oh God , my

26:58

ex-wife . I'm going to get into some stuff and I

27:01

mean this all with love and I hope this all makes sense

27:03

, but this is going to be real embarrassing for me . Golly

27:10

, I'm sorry

27:12

y'all had to listen through . I hope my voice or

27:15

something has gotten you to this point . I'm going to

27:17

really try to hammer down here in the next

27:19

little bit . Let me pause

27:21

and stop trying to talk through

27:23

my talk . Let

27:26

me let me oh man

27:28

, this shit's hard

27:30

, this shit's really fucking hard

27:33

, trying to be alone and

27:35

say your thoughts man

27:41

, okay , okay , here we go , here

27:44

we go . No

27:46

, apologies , just if I'm

27:49

going to say my truth , because this is my

27:51

podcast , this is my

27:53

time and this is my voice and

27:57

I have . I have shut

28:00

my voice down my

28:04

entire life . I believe I

28:06

, for whatever reason . For

28:08

whatever reason I told myself

28:10

and I believe that it didn't have a , my

28:12

voice didn't matter and that I didn't really

28:15

matter and

28:18

that I , at a young age , I decided somehow

28:20

I'm not blaming anybody because I , I

28:22

don't want to blame anybody , I don't because

28:24

blame . I think blame

28:27

puts like hate on people . Like if I say

28:29

I blame my parents for who I am , that

28:33

that puts a barrier between me and my mom and dad

28:35

that I don't want there . I didn't put it

28:37

there , I don't want it there

28:39

. Now I want to put safety barriers up

28:41

. You know , I'm trying

28:43

to heal , I'm trying to learn who I am

28:45

and I need the space to cook and do

28:47

that . I need the space

28:50

to like I

28:52

don't know , be as embarrassing as I need to be

28:54

, to like discover that girl

28:57

that I never got to be , because I have

28:59

been heard the entire time and that sounds so

29:01

silly saying it right now , because , like

29:03

tomorrow , I got to go out

29:05

and I got to . I got to find

29:07

that fine line between Abby

29:11

and Jacob . Again , I got to go be jabby , for

29:14

right now At least , I feel like I have to , but

29:17

I'll get to that man

29:22

. This is either going to be my like . This

29:25

is either going to like make sense to one

29:28

person and please , god , let it . Let

29:30

it let it make sense to one person . You

29:36

know you could you could always turn it off . Why am I apologizing

29:39

? You don't have to listen to this shit . I wish

29:41

you wouldn't . Really , I'm just going to say what I want

29:43

to say . It's ideally you

29:45

don't listen to it . I'm really making this podcast

29:48

because I've got like several irons

29:50

in the fire and

29:52

I need to like collect my thoughts enough to

29:54

convince a couple of people that

29:57

I'm legit , and

30:03

so I'm going to manifest that out right now . I'm not

30:05

talking to everybody else . I'm talking to a couple

30:07

of people and I'm going to name you by name

30:10

, just so you know , because you've been on my shit

30:12

. You've been on my . You've been here since day one

30:14

, since I've been Abby . You didn't know

30:16

my past . You don't know my past and I bet you got

30:18

a lot of questions because

30:20

I am a confusing looking person . If you look at me

30:22

on paper , you

30:25

know I've always said if you , if you look at anybody

30:27

on paper , you know I used to . I wanted to foster

30:29

me . My first wife wanted to foster and adopt

30:31

, and we

30:33

never did because we would have ruined that

30:35

child . We were not meant to do that . Let

30:38

me tell you that that would have been horrible . Um

30:41

, we do a lot of good things Well , um

30:44

, we raise kids the best , living in separate

30:47

homes , if that tells you anything

30:49

and I love that I think that's the best

30:51

thing . That's the best out of what we could have been

30:53

. We're great at it . We're

30:55

fucking good at it . Me and my ex-wife

30:57

can fucking parent these two babies we

30:59

have . If we , if we could just get on the same page

31:01

and understand that

31:04

, like we

31:06

, we are saying the same thing

31:08

and we just need to see it from the same way . And they're like

31:10

I'm not mad at you and you're not mad

31:12

at me , and like we don't have to fix our past

31:14

. We just have to , like I don't fucking

31:17

know be adults and move on

31:19

. You know , but

31:22

we can't move on from things and I'm just going to stand

31:24

up and walk around because I don't know , that

31:26

sounds like something a crazy person would do . And

31:29

maybe I am a crazy person , I'm

31:32

a dreamer , I'm realizing , but

31:34

, um , shit , I just I

31:36

went back and , oh

31:39

, my fucking tangents . Goodness

31:41

, I'm okay , I'm

31:43

going to start typing out . Honestly , if somebody

31:45

can help me , this is a

31:47

cry for help . This is 30 minutes in . I've

31:50

got a story and I've got so much love in

31:52

my heart . I

31:54

have loved my heart for everybody

31:57

I've ever met . I really

31:59

really do Um

32:01

, this , this has not turned out

32:03

the way I wanted it to , but I'm not going to go back and

32:05

edit it because I think we're going to find it along

32:08

the way . You

32:11

know , I I I've worked in the RV field for 10 years

32:13

and , um , before

32:16

that I worked at Walmart . Um , before

32:20

that , I worked at a

32:22

. What did I do ? Before

32:24

that ? I worked at a library at the school

32:26

I was at , and then , before that , I worked

32:28

at a grocery store , and

32:31

before that , I was a fry cook . And

32:35

before that I was just my dad's unwanted employee

32:37

that he just would , you

32:39

know , come yell out to , come fucking

32:42

help him , put a bed cover on his truck when I was five

32:44

, and I'd be there like the

32:47

fucking , I don't know the little

32:49

kid . I was just trying to help my dad and

32:51

um , you know , I've had this vivid memory where

32:53

he , like , I'm

32:56

standing there and he asked me to help him and

32:59

I'm standing there and , um , he's

33:03

struggling with this , like this , like with this camper

33:05

show , um , which is like I don't know

33:07

. I'm Southern , I know all , most of y'all are Southern

33:09

, but for the ones that aren't , it's just like the metal

33:12

thing that goes in the back of your truck bed

33:14

, you know . Anyway , it's

33:17

a cover for your bed for yourself . Explanatory

33:19

, I don't know why I had to explain that . You

33:21

guys aren't dumb , sorry

33:25

for that , but

33:28

anyway . And he's asking me to help him

33:30

and I say asking asking is

33:32

a strong term . He's yelling at me to

33:35

help him , screaming at me to help him . Mind

33:38

you , I'm five , and

33:44

he's struggling with it and

33:46

he just , he can't find the words to express

33:49

that what I need to do , he

33:52

just need an extra set of fucking hands

33:54

. And I was , I guess

33:57

, probably on that day , what was available

33:59

. But also , like , my thing is like , because

34:03

I got to justify my space , for whatever

34:05

reason , I'm always the first one to raise my hand

34:07

and say I'll do it , I'll help you out , because

34:10

I love doing that , I do . But

34:14

you know , he yelled at me that day . I wanted

34:16

to help him . I ain't no fucking hell

34:18

. I had no

34:20

clue . I

34:23

knew I was there , though what I knew , that I

34:25

don't know . I could probably figure it out if he could just

34:27

help me , but

34:30

instead , you know , he , he

34:32

cussed me and yelled at me . I

34:35

don't know how long we talked and how long

34:37

you know the cussing

34:39

was , but it wasn't a fun time

34:41

, you know , it

34:44

wasn't

34:47

a fun time at all , and

34:51

he would . He said my favorite

34:53

quote , which , honestly , like , there's

34:55

some trauma and sadness tied

34:57

up into this , but I think

34:59

it's the best thing in the world . Hold

35:01

on , let me open this darker pepper right quick . Okay

35:05

, he

35:08

looked me in the eyes as a four , five

35:10

, six I don't fucking know Kid

35:13

, and told me that I was as useful

35:15

as a set of tits on a boar hog , which

35:19

is just a beautiful . It's a beautiful saying

35:21

. Let's be honest . It works . It gets the point across

35:24

. It really cuts . It cuts you deep

35:26

, it cuts you real deep . Very

35:29

effective on a six year old

35:31

. Let me tell you , if you got a six year old that you want to cut down

35:33

a size in your life , you

35:36

just throw that at him and they

35:38

maybe it won't hit him at right away

35:40

, but they'll be 29 years old and fucking

35:42

crying about it . So you know , if you really

35:44

want to just get in good with

35:47

your foundational trauma

35:49

, with your kids , that'd be how I would do it and

35:52

find fun ways to make fun of them , you

35:55

know , because again they become funny . You know

35:58

, funny adults , maybe , if

36:00

they live long enough . You

36:02

know , if they're stubborn enough to survive

36:05

, then

36:08

maybe they can . What's that ? What's that old

36:10

saying ? You know

36:12

, comedy is trauma plus time

36:15

or tragedy plus time . And

36:18

that's kind of what my life is . Let me

36:20

try to recap that a little bit . My

36:22

life is pretty great on

36:24

paper . If you've seen me on Facebook , if

36:27

you just know my life , I

36:30

grew up in Hot Springs , arkansas

36:32

, right

36:34

off of you coming to town , right

36:37

off of Highway 70 , I am tucked over

36:39

in the woods off of Westinghouse

36:42

Drive . Normally

36:45

they built a bypass to just go around us

36:47

and

36:51

I go to

36:53

this little , I went to this little bitty high school right

36:56

there we get in Hot Springs . My

36:59

dad went there , my uncle went there . It's

37:02

a community school essentially . You

37:05

know there's six high schools in the area

37:07

, five or six , seven , I don't

37:09

fucking know and let me tell you we were the poorest one

37:11

, we were the smallest one , we were the poorest one

37:13

, and that's okay . I

37:17

grew up in my class . We had

37:19

probably like 20 to 26

37:22

to 30 kids that

37:24

were there . We

37:26

would have new kids

37:28

come and go , but for

37:30

the majority of it I've

37:33

had the same people in my life since kindergarten

37:36

until now , you know

37:38

, and which

37:42

is cool . I think it's really neat . You

37:45

know that , like I

37:48

don't know , I know

37:50

a lot of people really intimately and

37:52

we've had all really close connections , but it's

37:54

weird because they don't know me that well

37:56

, because I didn't know me that well . You

37:59

know , whoever you met , whoever you met , it

38:06

wasn't fully me , it wasn't not me . You

38:09

know , in high school it's going up . I

38:12

look at like , and this is , god bless

38:15

it , oh , this is . I'm either going to sound crazy

38:17

or like a genius that put it all together

38:19

, I don't know . Like

38:22

time is all about , like

38:24

eras and decades , right , like we

38:27

all at least I did we all

38:29

sat and you know

38:31

people my age we sat at home with

38:33

nothing to do and we watched like VH1s

38:35

. I love the 70s , 80s , 90s , at

38:38

least I did , and that's what I did . I

38:40

had nothing to do . No one took care

38:42

about me , and I say care about me . My

38:44

parents did care about me , they provided for me . I

38:47

never went without things , as

38:49

far as like material things , because

38:51

I think that's what their generation was told

38:53

to do is like , hey , you know

38:55

, the generation for them didn't have all

38:58

the things all the time and so

39:00

that's what they

39:02

wanted to do and they didn't care about the

39:04

, they didn't know about the emotional side . They weren't

39:07

that way . I'm not

39:09

defending my parents , because I know a lot of people

39:11

and they've got parents that were emotionally

39:13

available Bottom line . My parents didn't work

39:15

on themselves . My parents didn't ask themselves

39:18

the questions that they should have To

39:21

raise three healthy kids . They

39:23

didn't . They just bottom line didn't , and that's okay

39:25

, that ain't their fault , it's

39:28

not . It life's hard , life's busy . Hell

39:31

. I've got , I guess

39:33

, two to five , depending on what

39:35

the cool I don't know . That's a different story . Um

39:38

, I've got kids . I

39:40

Love my kids to death . I'm

39:44

a mess and I

39:46

. It's hard , dude . It is so

39:48

fucking hard to try To

39:52

like fix all of your inner child while you're

39:54

raising a child , but you don't know what your inner child

39:57

even fucking needs to heal and you're still

39:59

figuring it out . It's all very , very

40:01

messy . We're all just doing our best . We

40:04

are , and

40:06

I've been doing my best . I have been , you

40:09

know I , whatever

40:11

, wherever I fell off and onto you

40:13

. You know I basically long story

40:15

short . I let me try to do this in

40:17

like five minutes With

40:20

like no emotion . I grew up

40:22

in a family mom

40:25

, dad , a twin

40:27

and a brother who was six years older than

40:29

me . My grandma lived

40:31

up the road . We ate dinner there every night . My

40:33

grandpa was a long-haul truck driver . He'd

40:36

come home on the weekends and I would fucking go to his

40:38

house and and and , just , you

40:40

know , get away from my house , which

40:42

I thought was normal . I thought that was , you know

40:44

, a pretty normal time , pretty

40:46

normal life . We didn't have a lot of

40:48

money . Money would come and go like

40:52

everybody's money . My dad he

40:56

, my dad was

40:58

a dreamer . I think that's his biggest

41:00

flaw . My

41:02

dad has always blamed the world for like what

41:04

he could have done . Yeah

41:08

, I'll talk about my dad a different time . He's

41:10

a good guy . He has the same heart

41:12

that I do . He loves people

41:14

. You

41:17

know , my dad drives the craps . The crap . He

41:19

just drives me crazy . He

41:22

really does . But he's

41:24

got friends and he's got family that

41:28

have watched him like go and

41:30

do All

41:33

kinds of things and they're still there and

41:35

I don't know he's . He's got it . My

41:38

dad's got personality , my dad's got love

41:40

. I

41:44

used to look forward to his phone calls when we would

41:46

talk and We'd catch

41:48

up a little bit . We wouldn't catch up very often , but

41:50

like we'd catch up and

41:53

, um , I

41:56

Always just really look forward

41:58

to that end where he would say I love you , son

42:00

. And

42:02

that doesn't hurt my heart to say that right now , because

42:06

then I was trying to be a son , I was trying

42:08

to be his best fucking son . I

42:10

got in there are I ? I got in a blue

42:12

collar work because I thought that's what

42:14

my daddy did , that's what my granddaddy did . I

42:17

remember talking to my aunt . She was begging me

42:19

to go to college and I just didn't

42:22

want to . I Looked

42:24

at college and I just didn't know . See

42:27

, I'm waxing poetically about something different

42:29

now , goodness gracious

42:31

, if I don't start writing outlines or something

42:33

y'all are gonna like , have me locked up

42:35

and committed . I Grew

42:39

up in a normal house . It was

42:41

normal , it was fine . I was molested

42:43

by a neighborhood boy at five . I'd never talked

42:46

about it . I Just

42:48

told my mom last week about it actually , because

42:50

, for whatever reason , I just didn't think I

42:52

could talk about that at four . I just knew , hey , keep

42:54

that under your cap , you

42:56

don't want to be too loud , or two in

42:58

the way , your parents are busy , they got

43:00

shit going on they're , they're

43:02

mad at each other . You don't want to be

43:04

a , you don't want to be in the way , and

43:07

so I kind of just took that , I took that mentality

43:09

of not being in the way and

43:12

I

43:14

ran with it and Then

43:17

I tried to be in the way because I'm me dude , I'm a

43:19

sad . You guys have seen me the past

43:21

week , the ones that have seen me like I'm

43:23

pretty flamboyant and out there and I've

43:25

got a spirit and apparently I've got

43:27

a smile that everybody keeps talking about . I

43:30

didn't fucking know I had a smile , guys

43:32

. I didn't . I didn't use to smile this way , I Didn't

43:36

. I promise you I

43:40

Smile

43:42

different now . I see the world different now because

43:44

I am different now . I

43:47

no

43:51

one told me otherwise . Like that , that's the biggest

43:53

thing . I think I could go . I don't know I've

43:55

, I could I . I'm

43:58

just gonna say ignorant stuff if I just try to explain

44:00

and ramble through my family history and through my

44:03

, my , my emotions too

44:05

much , but like , in the

44:07

heart of it all , I think

44:10

like this

44:14

did not go . I had , you know , I had ideas of talking

44:16

about how , like music touches me and how , like I

44:18

can't explain words very well , because

44:20

I sat tonight and I talked to

44:22

a guy that's

44:25

gonna start working for me because he's a dreamer

44:27

and I'm a dreamer and I've been . I've

44:30

been dreaming all weekend . My voice is hoarse because

44:32

I've been dreaming all weekend and

44:40

and Nobody

44:43

told me I could dream . I guess is kind of what

44:45

I'm saying like I didn't have a bad

44:48

childhood . I'm gonna say that just

44:50

for the time being . I I

44:52

stay up at night and I think it's pretty bad

44:54

, but I don't want to say that I really don't

44:56

, because I love my family . I Want

44:59

to be a part of my mind . I just want to be a part

45:01

of it as me , you know I want . I , I

45:04

feel like they , I feel like everyone has always put

45:06

me in a box is how I feel , and I'm not saying this

45:08

is Right or wrong , this is just how I've seen the world

45:10

. But the people that I care about

45:12

the most , like my parents , my family

45:14

, my , not

45:18

all the women that I've chosen , true , that

45:20

I've loved , but like Some

45:22

that I've chosen , chosen

45:24

to love , they

45:30

have an idea of what I am or what I

45:32

should be , and maybe that's because I've sold

45:34

them . I've sold them a fake

45:36

bill of goods , whatever

45:39

that is that , whatever that is , I always

45:41

assume that people have me in a box

45:43

, because we all have things in boxes , I

45:45

think . But like Because

45:48

I'm a narcissist I guess I'm not

45:50

really , but like you know , like

45:52

I Think people , just

45:54

I think people think the littlest about me

45:56

and not like a negative ways . I

45:58

just think people don't think about me . I

46:01

don't think I'm memorable , I don't think I have

46:03

anything interesting about me . I

46:05

really don't , because no one told me otherwise

46:07

. Nobody's told me otherwise

46:10

, nobody . You know , I was in band I . I

46:12

did things in high school , but like I had

46:15

to just go do them . My

46:17

parents were busy , they didn't come watch me

46:19

. I think my mom came and saw me

46:21

one time play my fucking trumpet

46:24

I was in band until like 10th

46:26

grade I think and I was halfway decent , but

46:28

I couldn't even practice at home because

46:30

like it was too loud or something . It

46:33

was what they said so like I only practiced in

46:35

the band room and I still

46:37

did pretty good . Now it was a small school but

46:39

the I was second chair and marching

46:41

band , not toot my own horn , but like

46:43

literally I played trumpet so to

46:45

toot . But

46:47

my buddy who was in front of me , that motherfucker

46:50

went off to U of a on a full-ride scholarship

46:52

and he's a band director

46:54

living his best life . I think shout

46:57

out Stefan , like reach out dog . And

47:01

I was like second to that guy and I didn't even

47:03

try that hard Like

47:05

I really didn't . I try , I mean it . When I was in it

47:07

I tried everything . I I mean

47:09

tears in the band room , crying because I couldn't

47:12

do it and it was embarrassing , doing

47:14

like tryouts and stuff , but like no

47:18

effort as far as like extra effort , because

47:20

I didn't have the capacity for the extra

47:22

effort , because no one , no

47:25

one had the capacity for me to tell me

47:27

like , hey , you can do this . No

47:29

one told little bitty , abbey , jacob , whatever

47:31

you want to think I was then no

47:33

one told little me like you can do whatever

47:35

. I never got that talk

47:38

that like you can be the president or you

47:40

can be whatever I got

47:42

. Like you can be like four things and

47:45

Pick those four and

47:49

you know that's

47:52

what you get . One

47:58

second , sorry

48:05

, I get a cigarette because I I

48:08

don't know Cuz

48:12

I smoke , I guess . But anyway , I'm

48:17

back to whatever . I was trying to talk

48:19

about who my brain went

48:21

sideways . No

48:24

one told me that I was anything special

48:26

, and

48:29

that's okay . Like I didn't need to be special

48:31

, I think I just needed to be something

48:33

. And

48:35

so , to be something , what I did was I

48:37

just did the thing that I I

48:40

thought you were supposed to do , and I tried

48:42

to find the loves of my life , throughout

48:44

my life . I tried to find that weird

48:46

Maternal love

48:48

that I never really fully felt , I guess , and so

48:52

what that led to was a string of just

48:54

really confused , heartbroken

48:57

women that I really think , as I'm , I

49:01

am a passionate person . I love people

49:03

hard and I love everybody very , very

49:05

hard because , like I've , I Feel

49:08

like I've kept it all inside for so long

49:10

I've got a lot of tour , more turmoil inside

49:13

of me , I've got a lot of anger , but

49:15

the anger isn't like it's not

49:17

. It's not that like . It's

49:20

not that like I don't know how

49:22

to describe it Just

49:25

that that raw anger , that like scares

49:27

you . It's

49:30

a sad anger . There's a song called raised

49:32

by medium build , if

49:35

you want at the time , like , listen

49:37

to that and just like . There's a video on tiktok

49:40

. He's got some live albums . There's

49:43

a video on YouTube

49:45

. He does three songs of his and

49:47

it's like 11 minutes long but at

49:49

the end he does rage and

49:52

it's

49:54

about the sadness . The rage isn't

49:56

like . It's this beautiful , beautiful

49:58

song about being in love with this woman

50:00

and being like , hey , don't give up on me . Like I'm

50:03

broken and

50:05

you

50:07

know , I just I call me out of my mistakes

50:10

. That's okay , I'm

50:12

, I don't want to do those mistakes and I know

50:15

what I did wrong and I just

50:17

, you know this

50:19

rage that I have , this anger that comes

50:21

out out of me . It doesn't come from an angry

50:24

place . It really comes from a sad , lonely

50:26

place . Right , that's where . That's probably where most

50:28

of our anger comes from . If you're being honest

50:30

, and I

50:32

Don't

50:35

know , I Don't know when

50:37

the point me and trying to make I'm , I'm

50:40

still defending myself , I guess , because

50:44

I here's the thing , here's my big pitch

50:46

, here's here I'm gonna wrap this up because I'm just

50:48

I'm not making any sense . I don't think I'm trying

50:51

to clarify who I am and I'm

50:53

too complex to try to do it . Even

50:55

in a couple of episodes

50:57

or text messages or whatever , I'm

51:00

out there , you know , like I've left breadcrumbs

51:03

of who I am and

51:06

I'm a very Complex

51:09

person . I've got a lot of things I'm

51:13

. I've got . I kind of took that like I've

51:16

grew up religious . I'm not , I'm

51:18

not now , but I I took that

51:20

like the all things to all people , peter

51:24

Paul , whoever said that . I

51:26

took that very , very literally . That sucked in

51:28

me that that part of religion is

51:30

beautiful , that that that Jesus , the part

51:32

of the part of being what

51:35

you need to be to make people feel good , like be

51:37

a Gentile to the Gentiles , get to Caesar with

51:39

his Caesar's , all that shit , all the stuff that we like

51:41

to ignore and that we because I'm not a part of that shit

51:44

, but that , like modern capitalist

51:46

, you know , christianity tries to Try

51:49

us to spew out there like they

51:51

ignore the parts where they say , hey

51:54

, go be the things to the people

51:56

, be the Empathetic , be impats

51:58

, be , be , go meet people

52:00

where they're at and just listen to them . Right , well

52:04

, I'm telling y'all right now okay , I'm gonna

52:06

wrap this rambling up with like just one . I'm

52:08

gonna . This is really just like a pitch

52:11

to like four or five people is all I'm talking

52:13

to and

52:15

the rest y'all hope . There's something in here that y'all

52:17

liked , or maybe you got

52:19

out of it . I don't know , I doubt it . I'll

52:22

be real honest with you . I

52:30

didn't even recap what's been happening , did I Shit

52:35

? Goodness gracious . Oh

52:39

, okay , I'm

52:50

trying to record my thoughts .