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Warning. This podcast contains

0:49

explicit language and content some listeners

0:52

may find objectionable. This is a work of fiction. Any

0:55

similarities to persons living or deceased,

0:57

organizations, places, or events is

0:59

purely coincidental. This podcast

1:02

is protected under copyright. Listener

1:04

discretion is advised. This is The

1:06

Offensive.

1:08

Hey, you can't just... Hey, that's

1:10

mine. That's mine. I'm an

1:12

independent administrator. That is my property.

1:15

And you

1:16

are trespassing at Ashwood City Football Club.

1:20

Woody. Tom Pal, we're coming in now. What floor?

1:22

What's going on? Every fucking floor. There's about 20

1:24

of them. Jesus fucking hell.

1:26

But do you know where the... Tom. Tom.

1:29

Ah, for fuck's sake. My

1:30

pass. My pass isn't fucking working. Well,

1:32

that's because you pissed off to some fucking

1:34

soft life and software for soft fucking

1:36

cunts. Give it here. Why are you so tanned?

1:39

I went on a silent retreat. Really?

1:42

Yep. Was it good? For your,

1:45

you know, your soul? Oh, it was fucking

1:47

fab, aye. Come on, for fuck's sake. Yours

1:49

isn't working. Yes, my pass

1:51

isn't fucking working. I know that, Jess. Why not? I

1:54

don't fucking know, do I? Is somebody

1:56

on reception? No. For fuck... Right. Right,

2:00

fuck it. What are you doing?

2:02

I'm just gonna break the door a wee bit. A

2:05

wee bit? Hey, just a tiny breaky

2:07

poo. Hold on. Right,

2:11

that's quite a significant

2:13

break. Ah, for fuck's

2:15

sake, my fucking elbow! Cump,

2:17

cump, cump, fuck, fucking

2:20

piss! You might want to get your money back on that side of the

2:22

tree. Jesus. You seem quite

2:24

stressed. I piss off. Come

2:27

on!

2:28

Fuck, my fucking elbow,

2:30

man. Hasn't heard it like this since I hit

2:32

Patrick Vieira in the face with it. You played

2:34

against Patrick Vieira? No. HE

2:38

CLEARS THROAT HE

2:40

CLEARS THROAT

2:42

Get off, get off! Get off,

2:44

get off! What the fuck

2:46

is going on?

2:51

Ashwood City Football Club were one of the

2:53

founding members of the Football League in 1888. Today,

2:57

they compete in England's top flight and remain

2:59

one of only a handful of clubs to have never been

3:01

relegated from the Premier League. Following

3:04

the departure of the American consortium

3:06

ASG and with a new operational

3:08

model under an outright owner, Ashwood

3:10

City enter the fifth and final

3:13

season of the offensive.

3:27

HE CLEARS THROAT

3:43

Hey. Hey,

3:46

yeah, excuse me. Who the fuck are

3:48

you? Every day. What the

3:50

fuck is this? Property

3:52

and content seizure on behalf

3:55

of Fortitude Holdings.

3:58

I fucking face

4:00

with it you big cunt! Colin! Colin!

4:03

Colin! I think... Are

4:05

they seasoned? Everything!

4:07

Every fucking thing. Shame

4:09

they didn't seize William Fangingle, do they? Hahahaha

4:12

That's quite funny though but now's not the time. Where's

4:15

Tom? Remind me. Fuck's sake!

4:17

Tom! Fucking... The administrator! Oh, he's

4:20

over there. Does anyone in

4:21

here have a fucking clue what's going

4:24

on? I'm fucking stoned. Hey! Shh!

4:26

What, man? What's

4:29

that noise? Fuck, what is

4:31

that?

4:31

Oh God. What?

4:34

Oh fuck. Would he... Would

4:36

he wait? Slow down. Oh no.

4:39

No no no no no no! Oh shit! The

4:42

fucking steel! They're tearing down the fucking... No!

4:44

No! Stop! That's

4:46

fucking... That's fucking hundred years old! That's dantly

4:48

fucking pants! Stop it! You big fucking

4:51

bulldozing! What? You're so fucking hot!

4:53

You're so fucking hot! Stop it! You're

4:55

so fucking hot! You're so fucking hot! Stop it!

4:58

You're so fucking bulldozing! You're so fucking...

5:01

No! No! Oh

5:03

my God!

5:04

What the

5:06

fuck? What the fuck? What

5:15

the fuck?

5:41

Oi! Sorry,

5:45

could you take a seat please? No, I will not

5:47

take a fucking seat. Oh, well... Where's

5:50

the fucking counsellor?

5:51

Excuse me, I will have you removed.

5:54

This is the fucking council, isn't it? Yes.

5:56

Where the fuck is she then? The fucking cunt. Security,

5:59

go! Can we get security in here, please? Quickly.

6:02

What the hell is going on? Councillor, don't worry,

6:04

we'll deal with this. No, you tell me what

6:06

the fuck is going on. They're looking

6:09

down Dortley Park. Who is? I

6:11

don't know. Do what I don't have a fucking hard hat

6:14

on, so I can't find out, apparently. There

6:16

aren't any council staff working on something like that,

6:18

I promise you. Okay, then get some fucking

6:21

police or a fire engine or anything

6:23

else that's big and

6:25

loud and go and tell them to stop.

6:28

Go and do your fucking job! And

6:30

how exactly can I do that? Because

6:32

you can't knock down giant

6:35

fucking stadiums without

6:38

telling anybody. Actually, Miss

6:40

Tate, after all the efforts by the club and

6:42

Mr. Nolan to be rid of our protections, yes,

6:44

yes you can. No.

6:47

Yes. You're lying. I

6:50

wish I was.

6:51

What do we... What

6:54

do we do? I suggest you get the truth

6:56

out of Patrick Nolan, if that's possible.

6:58

Where are you going? Well, after

7:01

this news, I'm probably going to resign. Rather

7:03

a bad look, isn't it, presiding over the death

7:06

of a football club.

7:06

She's there, that

7:09

one. All right, come on, come on, give

7:11

it an ass to leave, come on out. Get your fucking

7:13

hands off me! Get off, get your fucking

7:15

hands off me! On your way, miss, come on.

7:18

Fuck

7:18

off, you big stupid highness cunt

7:20

face!

8:04

This

8:07

way. Yeah, sure. Sure.

8:09

Could I maybe get some padding on these cuffs?

8:12

It's just this little bit here. It's,

8:14

you know, rubs against my wrist, it pulls the hairs out.

8:17

It's just I think they get stuck in the mechanism sort

8:19

of thing, you know, the little class B bit. Just...

8:22

Can't do it. Is that a no?

8:24

Just wait here a moment. Okay.

8:27

Could we maybe have a dimmer light for the cell?

8:30

It's very bright and the

8:33

cell is either too dark

8:34

or too bright. I can't seem to get a happy

8:36

medium. Door opening. Or

8:41

a lamp, actually. Just a

8:43

basic lamp would do it. Right, step through

8:45

please. Not a magic lamp, don't

8:48

worry. Table 12.

8:50

Right, okie dokie. Oh fuck.

8:53

Oh god. Yeah, sorry, I thought

8:55

it was my parents. They said it was a couple.

8:57

That's a couple. Yeah, they

8:59

are definitely not a couple. You agree to

9:01

the meeting, so... Right, they're

9:04

gonna fucking kill

9:04

me, is the thing. I reject

9:08

the meeting. I formally reject the meeting.

9:10

Er, hello?

9:12

Mr. Gard? Erm,

9:15

Steve? Fuck.

9:26

Hi. Hey. Hi.

9:29

Nice tan. Hey. Into

9:32

a silent retreat. Oh yeah. Yep.

9:36

I think if Woody hadn't spent the last two weeks

9:38

soul searching Patrick, he might be

9:40

in here with you. Why's

9:43

that? Because I would have fucking killed

9:46

you. Well, then, yeah,

9:49

technically you wouldn't be in here with me. I'd be

9:51

dead. So... We have

9:52

a limited session here, ok

9:54

Patrick? Ok. Can we

9:56

use it wisely please? Can

10:00

we not, you know, I'm already getting

10:03

a fucking headmistress tone from you. Don't

10:05

you work at an app somewhere, you know? What does it matter

10:07

to you?

10:08

It matters because I invested my life

10:10

into that football club. Yeah, we all did, mate.

10:13

Everyone fucking did. They knocked the stadium

10:16

down. Yeah, I know. But

10:18

wait, why did they do that? They're gonna pop

10:20

a new one up in July, are they? Just in time

10:22

for match D1 of the new fucking season.

10:25

It's gonna be luxury flats,

10:27

actually. Ah, fuck.

10:31

Yeah.

10:31

OK, look, Woody is getting inundated

10:34

by the media. Even I'm fobbing off calls

10:36

from journalists and fucking Channel 4, BBC,

10:39

Sky Sports, everybody.

10:40

Who is the spokesperson

10:43

for the club? The people of Ashwood

10:45

need to know what's going on, Patrick. I

10:47

don't know. Why don't you know? I'm

10:50

not the sole owner anymore. What

10:52

are you then? A silent partner

10:55

with a modest stake. Oh,

10:58

lovely, a modest stake. Good for you.

11:00

Medium rare or well done? Look, don't

11:03

fucking eat in college me pal.

11:05

I'm not gonna eat in college you. Yes,

11:07

you fucking are. You're gonna do some big

11:09

speech about how money is the most important

11:12

thing in the world and the football club wasn't

11:14

making money. The football club wasn't

11:16

making money. So? So it can't

11:18

pay for its expensive playing staff,

11:21

Woody. Then we don't pay them, we

11:23

sell them, they leave. Then we get

11:25

relegated. Aye, we do. Aye, this

11:28

is how the game works, right? Yeah,

11:30

it does. Yeah. Aye, so

11:32

what the fuck are we doing then? I

11:35

feel like the club has fucking vanished,

11:37

pal. The stadium's fucking gone. The

11:39

staff have gone. The players have all fucked off

11:41

on holiday. I mean, like, what

11:44

the fuck?

11:45

The big move. What? The big

11:48

move, Patrick's big move. Yeah.

11:51

Sorry. What? He's not making

11:54

the move. The club

11:56

is. Oh

11:59

my fucking... Fuck. Patrick.

12:03

I know. Patrick, ma... Where?

12:08

What, a few miles away or what?

12:11

Well, I mean, as

12:13

the crow flies, it's only about 20 minutes.

12:16

Oh, hey, great. Good for the fucking

12:18

crows. To be exact,

12:21

it's 48 minutes away. In

12:24

Kent. Tell me it's in fucking

12:26

Kent. No. Fuck.

12:29

Just from the current stadium. Which,

12:32

that isn't one. Right, well, from the luxury

12:34

darkly suites. Shoot me. Fucking

12:37

shoot me. You go up the M25. And

12:42

take the exit for the A2 westbound.

12:44

Westbound? Yeah. Oh,

12:47

God. Then, yeah,

12:49

turn left on the A206. Follow

12:53

it to Canada Water and it's there

12:55

on the right. He

12:58

moved. The club.

12:59

To London. Yeah.

13:06

I mean, they did. I

13:09

sort of facilitated, I suppose.

13:12

Who? Fortitude. And

13:17

some private equity money from the US.

13:19

So, what, with the fucking

13:22

Ashwood Dons, are we? Fucking MK

13:24

Ashwood. Well, MK Ashwood wouldn't

13:27

make any sense, because we're in London, not Milton

13:29

Keynes. Paul. Yeah, alright. As

13:36

you know, my dad started

13:39

Fortitude. I

13:41

ran it for a little while, but

13:43

turned my attention to Ashwood. I

13:47

kept a stake and after

13:50

I gained full control of the club, the

13:54

world obviously went a bit fucking crazy. Yeah,

13:57

and Mac fucked me, big time, actually.

13:59

So I went back to my banker buddy friend,

14:02

Simon Napier Fox in particular,

14:06

and he started to help me... us out.

14:10

He bought the stadium, he offered

14:12

interest-free loans, he even set

14:14

us up with other investors, and I just...

14:19

I just kept taking and taking because...

14:23

well,

14:23

you know, I didn't want my

14:26

tenure to be a complete fucking disaster.

14:28

Of course. Hey. What?

14:31

Look at you now.

14:32

You know, these things just go so fucking fast.

14:34

We were just staring down the barrel of

14:37

relegation, and I knew, I fucking knew,

14:39

these cunts would abandon me if that

14:41

happened. Call in all the debts as

14:44

soon as the Premier League status was ripped away from

14:46

us, because no one fucking cares about the

14:48

club, all right? It's not just me. Everybody

14:50

that ever owned that place tied their

14:53

debts to it and fucked off, right?

14:55

You're wrong. No, I'm not wrong.

14:57

I can show you what Mick Bradley and

15:00

fucking ASG did, right? Even fucking

15:02

Harkness had... People

15:03

care about the club, Patrick. It's

15:07

fucking... It's...

15:10

It's gambling.

15:11

It's fucking gambling. It's

15:14

not gambling. Fucking is. And

15:16

now you're moving the club under the shadow of the London

15:19

finance district, the fucking epicentre

15:22

of gambling. Look, what

15:24

was I supposed to do? Get fucking

15:26

relegated! What? God! You're insane.

15:29

Listen to me fucking clearly,

15:31

pal. Right? There is life

15:34

outside the Premier League. The

15:36

story doesn't end when you get

15:39

fucking relegated. The money does.

15:41

A

15:41

boo-fucking-hoo! Figure it out or

15:44

sell. I did sell, didn't

15:46

I? But look at me. Look.

15:51

This will never be

15:53

forgiven. Never. MK

15:57

Dons? A fuck MK Dons. Just

15:59

saying, it's not... unprecedented is it? Hey,

16:01

neither is fucking murder pal. There's

16:03

no way this will go through. It will. It

16:07

has. No chance mate. Why

16:09

do you think we fought so hard to revoke the

16:12

council protections? It

16:14

wasn't about fucking infrastructure investment in the

16:16

club or in the city. It

16:18

was about being able to do what they want and

16:21

fuck off. Who's they? Fortitude.

16:24

Look, a London club is extremely

16:27

profitable as an enterprise. Oh aye,

16:29

from the location you've described it, sandwiched

16:31

between Charlton Athletic and fucking

16:34

Millwall. Real success stories

16:36

then pal. A Premier League London

16:38

club. A big fucking risk, wasn't it? We

16:41

were fucking super glued to the bottom

16:43

of the league when those fortitude cunts came in.

16:45

We knew the league had fucked up

16:47

with the fit and proper person's test, or

16:50

the lack thereof. We always

16:52

knew we had that ace, me, to

16:54

play. I

16:57

guess, you know, it's true

16:59

what they say. Nice

17:03

guys finish last. And

17:06

look at me. They're

17:09

right. Sorry, you're

17:11

the nice guy. Yeah. How

17:13

does that work? I

17:15

threw myself under the bus. It jumped

17:17

in front of the moving bullet, dived on the

17:19

grenade. Pal, you bought

17:21

the grenade, carried it around with you, played

17:24

fucking catch with it, pulled the pin and

17:26

dropped it on the fucking community. Without

17:29

you, there is no need to dive

17:31

on the fucking thing. Yeah.

17:35

Yeah, I know. Oh fuck

17:38

me, you are so lucky you're in

17:40

here for a couple of years pal, because

17:42

in the outside world, you'd be dealing

17:44

with real fucking grenades through

17:47

your fucking window. What's the team

17:49

called? Hmm?

17:50

The new team. Um,

17:55

London City FC. Oh,

17:58

God. We

18:02

gonna... they gonna...

18:04

I mean... They

18:06

gonna play at the valley or the den or something for

18:08

a few years? They have a place. What?

18:12

There's a stadium. It'll

18:14

be ready. How long was

18:16

I at that silent retreat for? Is it fucking

18:18

inflatable or something? How's there a stadium?

18:20

It was originally

18:23

planned to be an indoor arena

18:25

right by the city somewhere... The

18:28

finance district. They've only got the fucking auto.

18:32

Well, yeah. I don't

18:34

know. Covid spooked

18:36

the developers out of events venues. They

18:39

sold it in 2020. The arena

18:41

was then changed and built on into a 60,000 seater

18:44

stadium. And now 2023 here

18:46

we are. Multisports

18:49

venue. NFL and MLB

18:52

will announce their deals with it shortly. No

18:57

going back then. Fuck!

19:04

There'll be a meeting in

19:06

the city, London, in the next

19:09

couple of days, I think. I

19:13

added your names to a company

19:15

that owns some of the Dartley Stadium land

19:18

and the training ground. The

19:22

meeting will conclude the

19:24

sale of those things. And I

19:26

suspect you'll both get about three million

19:29

each. Maybe

19:31

more. I can't remember. Patrick? No,

19:34

no. You take it. You do something

19:36

with it. I don't fucking know, but

19:38

just do something good, please. Or write.

19:42

Or... I

19:45

don't know. It's your money. Just... Yeah.

19:49

Please.

19:49

Are

19:55

you... okay in here, Paul?

19:59

Umm... yes.

19:59

It's... yeah.

20:03

No dropping the soap or anything? There's

20:05

no bar soaps as such, actually. What

20:08

you got? Like a shower gel? Yeah,

20:10

in a little dispenser. Ray. Ray.

20:13

What about shampoo? Well, I'd imagine it's

20:15

a gel-shampoo combo. Yeah,

20:17

it's a combo. Combo, right, yeah.

20:21

Yeah. Time!

20:25

I'm really, really sorry.

20:26

Yeah. I

20:29

know, pal. It'll

20:31

be all right. I mean, it probably

20:34

won't, but... Yeah.

20:37

Yeah. Bye. Bye,

20:40

pal. Bye, Patrick. Yeah.

20:44

Bye, guys. And...

20:49

It's good to see you. Bye.

20:53

Bye. Yeah,

20:56

thanks for your services

20:59

over the years.

21:00

Yeah. We had a good

21:02

run. I would say it's been a pleasure.

21:05

But it's... It's

21:07

been a fucking nightmare to master the team. Yeah.

21:12

Yeah. Best...

21:16

best get back to work, then. Eh.

21:22

Eh, yeah, I said services over

21:24

the years, then, erm... You what? I

21:28

said, er, I thanked you for your services

21:30

over the years, and I... I meant, erm...

21:35

I mean...

21:39

Thank you for being my friend. Now,

21:42

that actually has

21:44

been a pleasure. I think. Take

21:47

care of yourself.

21:48

Take care of yourself, okay? Yeah.

21:54

Goodbye, guys. Bye, mate. Bye-bye,

21:56

pal. So,

21:58

just some padding on that.

21:59

It's out, but see, look, see how cuff

22:02

pulls on my wrist. It's very uncomfortable.

22:07

["The Man

22:13

Who Took the Man

22:15

to the Internet"]

22:22

That was a great dinner. So great. Wait,

22:25

where'd you park the car? Oh, the one I just sold to Carvana.

22:28

What? When did you do that? I looked at the menu.

22:30

I went on Carvana.com and all I had to do was enter the

22:32

license plate or VIN, answer a few questions

22:34

and got a real offer in seconds.

22:36

They picked up the car already? No, I parked around

22:38

the corner. But they are picking it up tomorrow and

22:40

paying me right on the spot. Oh, no wonder

22:42

you picked up the check. About that, thought

22:44

we were going to havesies. Sell your car to Carvana.

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23:31

The

23:31

title holders take on Burnley at the

23:33

Etihad, as Vincent Compagnie pays

23:35

a visit to his former side. That should

23:37

be a fascinating opening day fixture.

23:39

In the other half of Manchester, Manchester United, post

23:42

Sheffield United, then all

23:44

eyes go to the banks of the River Thames for

23:47

that opening game, opening chapter, if

23:49

you will, of the London City FC

23:51

story. Despite such a turbulent

23:54

summer and protest from across the football

23:56

world, we're told that that fixture

23:58

has in fact...

23:59

sold out. That's London City, the

24:02

Wolves. Shots

24:05

here inside the lavish state of the art

24:07

stadium. Plenty of celebs lined

24:09

up to see this one. All official

24:11

attendees of the Premier League's newest member.

24:15

Hollywood's finest right there. You're

24:17

welcome.

24:17

Are

24:20

you a player? One of the straight ones. Yeah,

24:22

one of the best ones. Football

24:24

hooligans, help me out here. Of course, that incredible

24:27

glass balcony and jetty onto the river. Yachts,

24:30

bars, restaurants and a club

24:33

shop. Of course, the world's first eco

24:35

friendly stadium. Not just carbon

24:37

neutral, but carbon negative. Futuristic,

24:40

groundbreaking structure.

25:01

Hello. Hey. Ah,

25:03

you're right, Jess. How are you?

25:05

How's your summer been? Yeah, all

25:07

right. You? Yeah, I'm all right. I

25:09

just... Just had the craziest

25:12

dream. Really? Yeah.

25:14

To the point

25:16

where I'm thinking... I

25:18

can't even believe it's been a dream. This

25:21

whole time. Even

25:23

now. What was your dream? I

25:26

was... I was being chased by

25:28

a big fucking blue donkey. A

25:31

blue donkey? Aye. A blue donkey

25:33

chasing me and his cop was swinging about all over the

25:35

place and he was going, give us your kneecaps,

25:37

give us your fucking

25:38

kneecaps. That's mental.

25:41

Hey, I know. Anyway, I'm actually

25:44

in the country for once at Heathrow.

25:46

Oh, aye. Yeah, just wondered if, erm... Oh,

25:48

I don't know. Erm... You wanna meet up?

25:51

Well, erm... I don't think you'll wanna

25:53

come to where I am. Where are you? Artuli.

25:56

I beg your pardon? I'm in a place called

25:58

Artuli. It's about...

25:59

And now we're north of Perth. Perth,

26:02

Scotland? No, I'm down under now,

26:05

Jess. Yes, Scotland. The OG.

26:08

How long are you in the UK for? I'd come

26:10

down to London or something. Well, I've just seen a flight to Edinburgh.

26:13

I'll see you this afternoon. All

26:15

right. Great. Bye, mate. All

26:17

right, bye. I'll see you in a bit. Tch! BLEAT

26:23

RATTLES

26:26

SIGH Not yet. I'm

26:29

a player. One of the straight ones. Yeah.

26:31

One of the best ones. Football hooligans,

26:33

help me out here. Of course, that incredible

26:36

glass balcony and jetty on the river. What?

26:39

Bars, restaurants and a club

26:41

shop, of course. The world's

26:43

first... Oh, man. It looks like

26:45

every new state-of-the-art fucking stadium,

26:48

a giant fucking heartless toilet bowl.

26:51

SIGH SIGH

26:54

HE CLEARS THROAT SIGH

27:00

HE CLEARS THROAT HE CLEARS

27:02

THROAT HE CLEARS

27:04

THROAT Hey, Woody. Welly here,

27:06

mate. I just wanted to, uh... I

27:09

don't know, just give you a... a voicey...

27:12

a voicey notey. Ugh.

27:15

Look, I know this weekend is probably

27:17

tough, you know, tough for all of us, really,

27:20

and it's just so bloody

27:23

infuriating that everybody's just, you

27:26

know, moved on. Money talks,

27:28

hey, mate? I

27:31

thought we had them. I thought we could chuck

27:33

them out like the Super League, but, hey,

27:36

everybody gave it their best shot, and, um...

27:40

Yeah, uh... Have a good

27:42

one. Um... I hope

27:44

all is well, and... Yeah.

27:48

Speak... Speak soon. PHONE

27:57

RINGS

28:02

And in the stands there, that's Colin

28:05

Walsh, of course, the current director

28:07

of football at London City FC, given

28:09

an astonishing budget over the summer

28:11

reports that it could reach nearly £700

28:13

million if required. Hi,

28:18

because he's writing off the fucking dates against SFP. You're

28:20

the media. Do your fucking job. Oh, God,

28:22

what are you

28:26

doing nesting yourself with all for fuck's sake?

28:29

Earlier, we spoke to the London City

28:31

FC manager.

28:32

Welcome

28:34

to Edinburgh Airport. For all connecting

28:37

flights, please refer to Zil's B2

28:39

projectors. Hello,

28:42

dear. Where are we going? Artily. Artily.

28:45

Lovely. Okie dokie. How

28:47

long?

28:48

Er, be there in about an hour. Great.

28:50

Thanks. And that's how

28:52

National League Premier Southern is shaping up. But

28:55

below that, an opening matchday

28:57

also in the Southern Combination Premier

28:59

Division in Step 5 of

29:02

English football. Can you turn it up, please? No, I won't

29:04

be on that one, don't we? No, I won't be on that one, don't we? The story

29:06

there today, of course, is New Haven,

29:08

who missed out on promotion by just three

29:10

points to Crawley Down Gatwick last season.

29:13

They head to Kent to Ashbury

29:15

Gate Stadium, a 2,500 seater. Used to

29:17

be a rugby pitch, actually. They take

29:20

on the newly formed Ashwood FC, the

29:22

Phoenix club that garnered really encouraging

29:24

support over the summer. They got this position

29:26

in the league after the Met took voluntary relegation

29:29

from the league above, and that had a knock-on effect

29:31

in terms of clubs that could compete. And

29:33

Ashwood FC found their spot four

29:35

levels below English Football League

29:38

and, of course, seven levels below where

29:40

their predecessor in Ashwood City was in

29:42

the Premier League. We know the celebrities

29:45

are out in force at London City, but here

29:47

in Ashwood, the famous face isn't in the stands,

29:50

but in the dugout, the legendary

29:52

Ashwood FC manager spoke to us

29:54

earlier.

29:59

enormous bulls I

30:02

want every one of my players to pull

30:04

their socks right up to their assholes

30:07

and tear those new haven bitches

30:09

to pieces like a tiger

30:12

with Viagra you notice

30:14

huh

30:15

tigers on the Viagra they are vicious

30:17

bastards and sick sick sick

30:20

sick sick we would we would

30:22

like to apologize for the language

30:24

there I'm

30:24

not quite sure how my producer

30:27

is that one she's giving me a funny look right

30:29

now and I don't know why you're looking like that

30:33

oh god are you

30:35

doing this to yourself without that fucks sake

30:38

earlier we spoke to the London City

30:40

FC manager Dan

30:43

this is a unique moment isn't it it's

30:45

incredible it's incredible it's it's

30:48

tough of course given the circumstances

30:51

are the circumstances are fucking

30:53

money yet what but it really

30:55

has been not the

30:57

honor of my life being part

30:59

of this project bringing you

31:47

yes Well

32:03

bugger me, she

32:05

actually came.

32:16

So

32:18

Artily? Artily? And

32:21

what exactly are we doing in Artily?

32:24

Oh what this? This

32:26

is my club. You're kidding? No.

32:29

It's an empty field. Not true. There's

32:32

a cow there. Like, Gwyneth! Gwyneth!

32:35

Fuck off! Fucking moo off

32:37

will ya? This ain't a farm no more!

32:39

OK, so it's an empty field

32:42

with a cow called Gwyneth in it. Aye,

32:45

fair now, but just you wait. This

32:47

time next season we'll be playing in front of... 150? 160? Maybe?

32:52

Wow. Too right?

32:54

Fucking wow. Where have you

32:57

come from then? Singapore. Oh aye. Job's

33:00

going well then?

33:01

Guess so. Hm. You

33:04

look good. Thanks.

33:07

So do you. I mean a bit dirty,

33:09

but you know. Aye. You

33:17

watched any of it? The build

33:19

up? Nah. You er, want

33:22

to watch the wolfs game?

33:23

Oh you have a television out here do

33:25

you? Haha, very good. And

33:28

yes we do. Unfortunately.

33:34

I don't think I want to watch. Oh god,

33:36

I'm glad you said that, cos I certainly don't. The

33:39

world forgets doesn't it? Fucking quickly.

33:41

Aye.

33:43

So this is what

33:45

you spent your three million quid on. Haha,

33:48

does this look like it costs three million? I don't

33:50

know. How much does an empty field in Scotland

33:52

cost? Well not three million quid, Jess. Jesus.

33:55

Nah, I have to get this place off the ground and keep it

33:58

running for a few years. In the other half by yeah.

33:59

and gave it

34:02

to the Phoenix team, actually.

34:04

Ashford FC? Aye. I

34:07

figured I could need going and helping run the place, you

34:09

know. Cos they'd kill you. Correct.

34:11

Aye. Murdered just by

34:13

association with Patrick, I think. So

34:17

I just did an anonymous donation,

34:19

you know. Even if it's just paying for

34:21

Eric, who cares?

34:22

I think he's doing it for almost nothing, actually.

34:25

Good for him. What'd you

34:28

spend yours on? Your three mil. Oh,

34:30

erm... Jess?

34:33

What? He said spend on doing

34:35

something good. That is not what he said.

34:37

Yes, he fucking did. He said do something right with it.

34:40

Do something good with it. He said do what

34:42

you want. No, no, no. He corrected himself

34:44

and then said that just to come across less demanding, for

34:46

fuck's sake. He gives a fuck

34:48

what he said. He's not dead, is he? What did you buy? Erm...

34:51

What did you buy, Jess? A

34:53

house in Malibu. Oh, for fuck's sake.

34:56

I go there for work sometimes. How

34:58

often? I don't know. I haven't gone

35:00

there yet. Fucking Jesus. A house

35:03

in Malibu. Right, on the fucking beach?

35:05

Yeah. Un-fucking-believable. Right,

35:07

take this. What's woody? It's fucking

35:09

wet. Hey,

35:11

it's fucking white paint. What do you want me to do with

35:13

this? Get painting me some lines. I want a penalty area

35:16

and a half-way line done by dinner. Come on, get cracking. I'm

35:19

wearing heels.

35:19

Hey, and I'm wearing

35:22

football boots at the same fucking thing. What are you doing then? I'm

35:24

getting back on my ride on Walmart, thank you very much. Who

35:26

are you?

35:27

Who are you? Boris fucking Gump? Get fucking

35:29

painting you. Come here, you fucking... Ha-ha!

35:32

You're the fucking lawn mower. I'm painting your face. I'm

35:35

painting your face. You fucking haters! Fucking

35:37

lawn

35:38

mowers getting fucking haters. Hey,

35:40

did you leave me over? Yes, mate.

35:43

That's it. Fucking slow down. Oh,

35:45

fuck off. You fuck off. You fuck

35:47

off. Don't give me that shit. You fuck off. Fuck

35:50

off. Fuck

35:57

off. Fuck off. Fuck

35:59

off. the championship.

36:06

And Nia Misk for Middlesbrough there.

36:08

Scores

36:15

are still level between Southampton and Huddersfield.

36:18

Crystal Palace still holding that lead, but the

36:20

momentum of the game it would seem is shifting.

36:23

Now we can head very briefly

36:26

to Ashwood,

36:27

where there is a goal in the

36:29

Southern Combination Premier Division.

36:32

But is it the first goal in the history

36:34

of the newly formed Ashwood FC? Well

36:37

let's find out shall we? John is at

36:39

the game and can tell us. John there's

36:41

been a goal, but for who?

36:43

Nope apologies we'll come back to that later

36:45

as there's been a chance at the yeti had. What

37:01

song is that? It's fucking annoying. Just

37:05

down here Ian, we've got a new one coming

37:07

in for cell 388. 388 yep

37:10

that's empty and clean. Fucking hell decent sized

37:12

cell innit. I mean the posh end am I? Christ.

37:16

Right breakfast is at 8, lunch at 12, dinner

37:18

at 6. We'll get a chance to exercise,

37:20

time to have a little post at the beginning of the week can

37:23

I? Yeah I know, same old shit. We'll

37:25

top up that mug roll as well for you and maybe

37:27

get someone to see to those sheets in the morning. Yeah

37:30

yeah

37:30

cheers, top. Oh

37:40

my god, oh my

37:42

god, no Lynette! Oh for fuck's

37:44

sake. You're a fucking nun's mate. Oh

37:47

just grow up alright, fucking grow up. Piss

37:49

off! You piss off, you fucking piss off

37:52

you fucking belly. You're the belly

37:54

mate. Oh fuck you. Ah fuck

37:56

you, no

37:57

Lynette, no Lynette! His

38:00

name was Nolan, he

38:02

was a wanker. The

38:31

offensive starred Paul

38:33

Wagon as Patrick Nolan.

38:41

Helena Doughty

38:43

as Jess Tate. Adam

38:53

Jarrell as Chris Woody Woodall.

39:13

Joel Emery as Dan Watson. By

40:00

life, that's all we did. I must be

40:02

getting to be honest. Do we have Elhajj, too? Unfortunately,

40:05

hey. Well, if I survived him,

40:07

I could survive this. Broom

40:09

lifting the ball into the box. Headed

40:11

down by a poof-boo to Kyle

40:14

Francis-Garr! Sarge

40:20

Mason! Thomas

40:24

Mitchells as Theo Clinton.

40:29

Akushla Tara Kupay as

40:32

Dr Rachel Webber. Alan

40:36

Sylvain as Eric Van

40:39

Schmitt. Victoria

40:43

Gibson as Alex

40:45

Morrison. Reese

40:49

Tease as Hutch Lewis. Edmund Cole

40:51

as Kyle Francis-Clark.

41:00

Ant McGinley as David Hall. Christopher

41:06

Swift as Reuben Thomas. And

41:11

over 200 cast members in

41:13

the show's five-year run. They

41:16

can deny it. Ashwood

41:20

City, oh yeah.

41:25

Yes, it's the city of passion. A

41:31

city of pride

41:33

for everyone in care. Well,

41:37

Big Oven, Gillingham,

41:39

they can deny it. Ashwood

41:43

City, oh yeah. Written

41:50

by Joel Emery and directed

41:53

by Adam Jurell. The

41:59

offensive is dedicated in loving

42:01

memory to Lucinda Shaw.

42:04

IMO Fucking

42:12

dents

42:22

at the

42:26

fucking

42:29

ass root! Yes! At

42:31

the dents fucking pussies

42:34

go fuck your asses!

43:11

The Offensive is a stack

43:13

production and part of the Acast

43:15

Creator Network.