0:03

A very special

0:05

guest now on the line, Ashwood

0:07

City boss and a friend of the media,

0:09

it has to be said, Dan Watson is with

0:11

us. Dan, how are you pal? That

0:14

is TV's Jim White, the

0:16

first voice you really hear in the whole show,

0:19

followed by me, Joel Emery, playing

0:22

Dan Watson. I don't just

0:24

play Dan Watson, I also write the

0:26

show. And also Jim

0:28

wasn't always the first voice that you

0:31

heard. Originally it was the co-parent

0:33

of this project and

0:35

the voice of Woody and many others, Adam

0:37

Jarrell. But then

0:39

on the 15th of October 2018, so

0:42

just maybe seven episodes into the

0:44

show's existence, we got a message,

0:47

a DM from Luke Moore from

0:50

Stack and the Football Ramble, and

0:52

he said he thought it was really funny. OK,

0:54

that's understandable. We

0:57

were actually recording at the time when we got that message

0:59

and didn't get back to him for a couple of hours, in which

1:01

time he messaged again saying

1:04

that he just listened to all the episodes

1:06

and we had to talk. And we did talk

1:09

and we signed with Stack. Our

1:12

average amount of listens per day went from around 15

1:15

or 20 to about a thousand.

1:17

And I guess this is the first thank

1:20

you in this thank you for listening. Luke

1:23

and Stack as a whole basically

1:25

knew exactly what we had and what we

1:28

wanted and then sent us in

1:30

the direction of their audience. And

1:32

a lot of them stuck. We

1:34

aimed to get 10,000 downloads by the end

1:36

of the first season. We ended up

1:38

with 10,000 after that first week with

1:40

Stack. We made 300,000 by the end of the season.

1:45

And what I'm getting at, one of the many things

1:48

that Stack did, Hold on, Dan, hold on. You've

1:50

had your say. was get us that man, Jim

1:53

White,

1:54

because we wanted to make sure people

1:56

heard a voice from the footballing world

1:58

they recognised right away. from the off. It

2:01

all was supposed to feed into what became a very

2:04

regular review of the show from fans, which

2:06

was, I thought this was going to be

2:08

shit, and it's not. I

2:11

must apologise for any colourful language

2:13

you may have heard there. Michael, it's good

2:15

to hear the relationship that Dan and Patrick

2:18

have at the club, even when things aren't

2:20

going the way they want.

2:24

Ashwood City Football Club were one of the founding

2:26

members of the Football League in 1888. Today,

2:30

they compete in England's top flight and remain

2:32

one of only a handful of clubs to have never been

2:34

relegated from the Premier League. With

2:37

limited domestic success and growing frustration

2:39

within the fan base, the new ownership have installed

2:42

a five-year policy of advancements they call

2:44

the offensive.

3:04

Oh bollocks, this is

3:06

hard. I can't even think. I was

3:09

planning on doing a bit where I

3:13

talk and

3:16

write at the same time.

3:22

But it's really hard. So

3:25

I'm stopping that. That's ridiculous. I'm

3:29

currently writing the

3:31

final episode of

3:34

the offensive.

3:37

It's actually the second

3:39

day of two where

3:41

I've been writing

3:44

this finale. I

3:46

usually do the offensive in a day, but obviously

3:48

this one requires a bit more concentration.

3:51

And I've

3:53

written the finale part

3:55

one and part two all in one go, so

3:58

it's going out to the cast as one. script.

4:04

We do that a lot at the time when there's a part one and

4:06

a part two. Obviously this one has

4:08

more importance to it. And

4:12

yeah, this is my routine with

4:15

the offensive that

4:17

is now coming

4:20

to an end. Ladies

4:21

and gentlemen of Ashwood City, welcome

4:24

to the new era of our club.

4:27

A club built for the fans and

4:30

for the people of Ashwood.

4:32

And here's the man that got it done,

4:35

Eric Cianni,

4:38

Patrick Nolan, and B.E. The

4:41

offensive, and it's important

4:43

that you come out

4:46

and be honest

4:48

about these sort of

4:50

things. The

5:08

offensive is a success. 100%

5:12

with that shadow of a doubt. Like I said in that

5:14

opening, we span from a handful

5:17

of downloads to hundreds of thousands and then millions.

5:19

It is a success. It is one of, you know,

5:22

it's in the 0.1 top

5:25

percent of all podcasts in the world.

5:27

But still, even

5:30

with that, financially

5:32

it is a mediocre success. It

5:36

only really started paying for itself around

5:39

season four. The

5:42

cast are paid a modest

5:45

sum. I hope they don't mind me saying. They

5:49

do a lot through good grace

5:52

and they are very busy, as are

5:54

we. And if this had been

5:56

a runaway huge

5:59

smash hit and...

5:59

and actually wasn't a mediocre success,

6:03

then maybe we would still be going. But

6:05

the credit that everybody deserves

6:07

here is that we said we'll do it in

6:09

five years. We said it's a five year plan and

6:12

we did do it in five years. And

6:15

the hardest thing to do is maintain

6:18

a mediocre success because

6:20

if it was a failure, we

6:23

could have just moved on to another

6:25

project. If nobody was listening, we could

6:27

have been there and moved on to another project. If

6:30

it was a huge success and

6:32

we were absolutely raking it in,

6:35

then obviously it's

6:37

easy to continue it. We don't have to go

6:40

to our other jobs, look after our kids,

6:42

squeeze in recordings at midnight

6:45

and seven a.m. before work or

6:48

on our lunch break.

6:50

But

6:53

it was a mediocre success. So

6:56

it required a level

6:58

of effort that I

7:00

think deserves plaudits.

7:03

And I'm not just talking about me and Adam now, I'm talking about all the

7:05

cast involved. When sad he can't

7:07

call it, son, you answer that call.

7:10

That's what happens to the poor concert, don't you think? Mac,

7:12

listen. I said to Brucie, I said, I bet you wouldn't

7:14

mind shopping of a future and listen to the chronicle,

7:16

eh, pal? Oh, he laughed, but

7:19

there was a glint in his eye, so yeah. Mac,

7:22

this is fucking serious. Okay, Brucie

7:24

is gone. Unfortunately for us,

7:27

he's gone. Listen, I need

7:29

to get the paperwork for Luna, Kevin and Vasos

7:31

to ASG and the Premier League.

7:33

Fuck them. Oh, okay,

7:35

yeah, yeah, I'll save that off as a PDF and

7:37

attach it to an email. Cheers, Mac, see ya,

7:39

take care. Well, you've been a negative no-no

7:41

about it. I'm not being a negative no-no. I'm

7:44

being a realistic Rufus

7:46

Brevet. Rufus

7:49

Brevet? That's the best you fucking

7:51

got, is it? Fucking Juan Albino,

7:53

Renato, Rabinho,

7:56

Robin, Remario, and you go for fucking

7:58

Rufus fucking Brevet. Shut up, all

8:00

right, sort this situation out, Mac. Here's

8:03

a fun fact, I play Mac the Knife. Hello,

8:05

son. And

8:08

weirdly, it's an impression of my granddad.

8:11

However, I've added the deep croaky

8:13

voice.

8:15

He does say, hello, son. Only

8:18

not in that sinister tone.

8:20

I also play Peter Reynolds. And

8:23

of course, I play Billy Richards.

8:26

Oh, Peter. Big shout out to Andrew

8:28

Woodward, by the way, who

8:30

one of the patrons, I believe,

8:33

has a spreadsheet somewhere that has documented

8:36

every club that Billy

8:39

has played for, every manager that he

8:41

claims to have played for, every

8:43

player he claims to have played with. A

8:45

lot of people ask me what my favorite, you

8:47

forget, is

8:49

I think Billy, at one point,

8:52

genuinely suggests

8:54

he played domestically in Cameroon.

8:56

I think

8:59

that, I could be wrong there. He

9:03

says that he played in the domestic league

9:05

in Cameroon. I think that's my favorite.

9:08

What other voices do I do? I

9:10

do quite a few, anyway, Adam also does

9:13

quite a few. He's Kieran Broome, he's Chris Whel, he's Chris Woodall.

9:17

And then he's a whole chorus of other

9:19

voices. How is it? About

9:23

to find out. Is it Tom? Yeah,

9:27

might be a little one though. Yeah, that's what

9:29

I'm hoping for. Rachel's just

9:32

checking something over with the hospital. Right.

9:39

You all right, mate? Yeah, yeah,

9:43

just wanna know now, you know? Yeah.

9:46

Well, we do have a football mastermind

9:49

at this club here, someone capable of recruiting the

9:51

very best talent. We do? Oh

9:53

yeah.

9:55

That's great, it starts with David

9:58

James Lately King. and Leighton

10:00

Baines, Steve Bruce and David

10:02

May What

10:05

a matter Hurricane,

10:05

Mike Paducah, Lee Rifer, Wilfred and Dee

10:08

Dee George Bistow and Harbreeze, Stig and Gabayona

10:10

B, Marcus Fentch Chorn, Gotohari,

10:12

Yarden, Nathaniel Klein, Mark Bright Rajiv

10:14

and La Para, Rufus, Redit, Matty James With a mix

10:16

of Patilina and Ali all night Edwin

10:19

Vadis, Aaron Collin, Henry Nigel, Winterburn and

10:21

Peter Check Peter,

10:23

Riepe, Yervan, Houdog, Yergen, Clock, Caca,

10:26

Jess Fontaine, Brian, Dean, Cresco,

10:28

Sosoko, Macatarian, Kristen Fuchs and Robert Huth,

10:31

Calvacell, Fabian Delph, Will Fusin, Rob

10:33

Lee, Chrislian, Vieri Nigel, Rie, Coco,

10:35

Jimmy Dennapian, right? Right Mark

10:37

Bostner, Suitor, Modjestro, and Ibs, Sat Night, Ferndjal,

10:40

Van Dyke It's

10:42

the end of the world

10:44

as we know it It's the

10:47

end

10:47

You won't believe how many of the songs we

10:49

have have started from just innocent

10:51

requests from me You

10:54

know, five seconds long, Adam, do you think you'd be

10:56

able to do this? And he ends up with stuff like that So

10:58

yeah, basically,

11:00

we do a lot of voices Why

11:02

do we do that? Because Adam

11:04

and I are free of charge, aren't

11:06

we nice? But also we make

11:08

ourselves constantly available to this show

11:12

And we cut it together So it's

11:15

much easier when you're in the edit and you need a quick

11:17

voice to quickly

11:19

whip it out and do it And I would say that

11:22

apart from Patrick,

11:24

Woody and Jess, every single character

11:27

that has come into the show has not meant to be a permanent

11:29

feature We have for one reason or another fallen

11:31

in love with them Mac's a good example

11:34

We just got a lot of comedy out of Mac He's

11:38

a great way of giving exposition

11:40

to kind of Patrick's inner thoughts almost

11:43

Patrick can't go around narrating his whole life

11:45

all the time And all his kind of dark deeds that

11:47

he's got lined up Pat, I've got

11:49

a taste like my boy Right, listen now I

11:51

have money loaded

11:52

I have thrived Stolen

11:55

Evaded Tax I've ran over

11:58

a dog I've spat on a big

11:59

I have

12:02

shook hands with set flatter and

12:04

I have even supported Millwall. But

12:07

this, this is something

12:09

else, this is a new fucking bloke.

12:12

It's the same for Colin. Colin we just

12:14

again completely fell in love with him. I

12:17

just thought he was brilliant. John Bernoc, who

12:19

plays Colin, is a fantastic

12:21

bloke and he is a really talented voice

12:24

actor and we'll definitely use him in

12:26

future stuff across our work. Get Colin

12:28

to fill in. Did somebody dial 0800-cunt?

12:29

How do you do that? Colin,

12:33

I appreciate the glamorous entrance as always

12:35

but can you knock in future? Absolutely

12:38

Patrick, apologies, I'm trying to curtail

12:41

that kind of selfish behaviour this year. Oh

12:43

yeah? How's

12:44

that going? Not bad, I had

12:46

an old lady cross the M25 just

12:48

yesterday. The M25? Yup.

12:50

Colin that's a motorway. Yeah I thought it'd be

12:53

odd myself. Where did you leave her? Well

12:55

I only took her across the southbound lanes. Why

12:57

didn't you take her across the northbound road as well?

13:00

Because I wasn't going that way. What so you just left

13:03

her in the central reservation of the M25?

13:06

Look what do you want? I'm busy. You came in here,

13:08

I didn't call you in here. Season 2

13:10

brought on a bunch of new characters because we

13:12

kind of wanted to expand the scale

13:14

of the club. We brought in an amazing

13:16

voice actor called Thomas Mitchells who's worked on

13:19

much better things than this. He

13:21

played a guy called Mickey who worked in

13:23

the footballing side of things, he didn't last particularly long. But

13:25

then he also played Theo Clinton who

13:27

lasted a very long time because he was

13:29

a fantastic punching bag. Jenny?

13:32

Jenny can you pass through the icing again?

13:34

Jenny? Oh bloody hell.

13:39

Yes hello, you're on speaker. Have

13:41

you seen Marcello's cock? It's half way

13:43

to going fucking viral. I should have specified, you're on

13:45

speaker at a four year old's birthday party. Have you

13:47

seen the picture of his cock? Can

13:49

you please get your voice down and be

13:52

more specific. Fine, his cock

13:54

and bollocks. No, where exactly is it viral? How do

13:56

you know it is? Because he said it was his Theo.

13:59

Yeah but I'm sure he's on speaker.

13:59

if you showed it to lots of players they claim it was theirs.

14:02

Solidarity means a lot to them.

14:10

I'm saying that solidarity within the squad

14:12

blurs the lines a little. The

14:19

flaccidity of his penis is none of my concern. Oh

14:23

hi, Julia. Do you want to go and play

14:25

outside with the others? Fuck off and mind

14:27

your own business, Julia. Jesus! There

14:30

was Eric Van Schmitt. He

14:32

was not supposed to last that long as

14:35

a manager and he did. He wasn't supposed to be

14:37

featured that much and he was and that

14:40

is largely down to the work of

14:42

Alan Silvan who plays Eric who is

14:44

bloody brilliant. You're

14:45

back! Blasting needs, fuck

14:47

us! You want to play

14:49

a dirty way? Fuck yourselves!

14:52

Eric, just step back from the pitch. Have we

14:54

got an injury down there? I think the star of them may

14:56

have got a slap but nothing serious. Definitely

14:58

not a head injury? I don't think so. That's

15:00

it guys, cool off. Cool off men who get back in bloody

15:02

gold. Keep the anger, keep the madness.

15:06

I'm not going to watch you again, Eric. Quite

15:08

the star study clip that because not only did you have Alan

15:10

Silvan as Eric Van Schmitt, you also had Akushatara

15:12

Cooper as Dr. Rachel Weber who

15:15

brings really, really good balance

15:17

to the scenes. It's not an easy task and we loved that. Another

15:20

person in the same vein would be Ant

15:23

McGinley who played David Hall. David

15:25

Hall is named after David Hall who

15:27

is a patron of the show. We

15:29

do a lot of Zoom calls with our patrons and on a

15:31

Zoom call he said something along the lines of,

15:34

I'll do anything to be in the show. If

15:36

you can just use my name, you can say anything.

15:39

You can say I fuck dogs and I won't

15:41

mind.

15:41

So we did that.

15:44

What do you mean, think so? Because

15:47

I formed a fucking opinion of someone and then someone

15:49

else told me that person shags dogs.

15:52

Forgive me if I'm feeling a little confused,

15:54

Jess. Jesus fucking Moses.

16:20

I've

16:23

finished. It's

16:26

quite strange really. I've just written the words,

16:28

the end of the offensive. Yeah. 188

16:41

episodes done.

16:52

So my job now is

16:56

sending this out to the cast. Adam

17:02

will look at it first and then it will go

17:04

to everybody. But

17:08

this is where I take my bow. I

17:12

hope you've enjoyed my writing and thank you

17:14

for being the people

17:17

that I've practiced on over

17:20

the last five years. I think I'm getting the hang of

17:22

it now. So, you

17:25

know, keep an eye out or an ear out

17:28

for any future stuff I send

17:31

your way. Cheers

17:34

everybody.

17:58

When the rain pours down. and you can't

18:00

go on With

18:04

your back against the wall in the final fight

18:09

It's easy to forget the land

18:12

of endless hunger Where

18:14

the fighting to simply stay alive

18:19

And they say that it's helpless

18:22

What can you do? I

18:24

don't believe

18:27

that it's true There's

18:30

a team who will fight

18:32

to end hunger now

18:35

Super and white, I'll

18:37

tell you who Seconds

18:41

to go, Ashwood and Ty Gotta

18:44

fight strength from somewhere inside

18:47

Our hopes should fall but die But

18:51

we will never give

18:53

up the fight We're super

18:56

and we're white Let's score

18:58

a goal for Africa tonight

19:02

Don't call me naive, don't show me

19:04

the door I'm gonna

19:06

prove you wrong You

19:09

say it can't be done We'll

19:13

see who's laughing when we see the final

19:15

score Old

19:17

Humb and Nip, Ashwood

19:20

City One What a result! They've

19:23

done it! Because with seconds to go,

19:25

Ashwood and Ty Gotta fight strength

19:27

from somewhere inside Our

19:30

hopes should fall but die But

19:34

we will never give

19:36

up the fight We're super

19:38

and we're white Let's

19:40

score a goal for Africa

19:43

tonight This

19:45

is a message from your captain of Kent I'm

19:47

not claiming to be heaven sent But

19:50

every couple of years I'll switch on my tele I'll

19:53

sit and watch it all with Marco and Welling The

19:56

orphans hunger, it brings tears to my eyes My heart

19:58

breaks cause the cover needs to be cut flies.

20:01

We always say that we want to do more

20:03

but all we're trained to do is tackle and score.

20:06

So tonight we'll get the strength from the terrain get

20:08

it.

20:09

We'll all play just like what Lionel Messi.

20:11

Riviera will stop a shot from Teemu Pukki.

20:14

We'll feel her love come all the way from Digi Bute.

20:17

KFC will stand as tall as Kilimanjaro

20:19

for when he's locked eyes one-on-one with Cal

20:21

Dalo. I'll always play for Aladdin

20:23

his dad but tonight I'm

20:25

gonna do it for Chad from the Masai Mara

20:28

all the way across the Sahara. It's unbelievable

20:31

says Chris Kamara. If Dunbridge

20:33

Wells to the whites it's a Dover. We

20:35

won't start till hunger is over. I

20:38

know it can't be done overnight but

20:40

don't forget that we're super and

20:42

we're white. These final seconds let's

20:44

not wallow ourselves pitting. Let's pull our

20:47

shots up because we're Ashwood City. The

20:49

seconds to go Ashwood have died

20:52

Gotta find strength from somewhere inside

20:55

Our hopes have all but died

20:59

Last week, last week We'll never

21:01

give up the fun We're super

21:04

and we're white Let's score

21:06

a goal for Africa tonight

21:09

Come on man, come on!

21:12

That's amazing! Oh

21:14

yeah

21:27

It

21:44

keeps you and everyone else aligned on

21:46

projects, big picture workflows and

21:48

company goals

21:49

Sounds like working together is no longer a

21:51

bird in. Get it? Yeah

21:54

I get it. Go to monday.com to

21:56

get started for free. That was a great dinner So

21:58

great Wait where'd you park the car?

21:59

Oh, the one I just sold to Carvana. What?

22:02

When did you do that? When you were still looking at the menu.

22:04

I went on Carvana.com and all I had to do was enter

22:06

the license plate or VIN, answer a few questions,

22:08

and got a real offer in seconds. They

22:10

picked up the car already? No, I parked around

22:12

the corner. But they are picking it up tomorrow and

22:14

paying me right on the spot. Oh, no wonder

22:16

you picked up the check. Yeah, about that. Thought

22:19

we were going halfsies. Sell your car to Carvana.

22:21

Visit Carvana.com or download

22:23

the app to get a real offer in seconds.

22:31

I received the email

22:33

from Joel last night with the final

22:37

two scripts. Well, the one script with

22:39

two episodes in it. And

22:43

usually when I get a script

22:45

sent from Joel, I will, no matter

22:48

what I'm doing, I will sort of

22:50

gobble it up. You know, I've missed

22:52

train stops before because I've been in

22:55

the middle of an episode of The Offensive. Getting

22:59

all my notes down and everything mentally

23:01

are on my phone as far

23:03

as what we can do in specific

23:05

scenes, what I can do editorially.

23:09

I don't know if that's a word. As the

23:11

editor. This

23:13

time I wanted to sort of make

23:16

sure there were no distractions, you know,

23:19

and just really take it all

23:21

in. Obviously, I knew what was coming.

23:24

Joel and I had discussed it and it's the same

23:26

ending that we'd had planned since

23:28

day dot, as they say.

23:31

But when I saw the words at the

23:33

end of the script, the end of The Offensive,

23:36

it was the first time it hit me in terms of, shit,

23:41

this is it for The Offensive.

23:45

I don't know how I feel yet

23:47

because once Joel

23:49

sends off a script, it

23:51

goes to me, it goes to the actors and then

23:54

I sort of kick

23:56

into gear. Obviously, Joel does a hell

23:58

of a lot of editing. than he should

24:00

but that's just the measure of the man

24:02

and how much of the workload he takes

24:04

which is just unbelievable and I'll always be thankful for

24:07

that but my

24:10

job has just begun as far as

24:13

getting the episode from script to

24:16

people's ears. So

24:19

reading it there are a couple of jokes

24:21

in there obviously that I wasn't expecting really

24:24

really funny stuff as always

24:26

very emotional which I feel

24:29

like a lot of this season has been

24:31

quite emotional with the

24:33

sort of knowledge

24:35

that it's coming to an end and it's in its fifth and final

24:38

season but

24:40

yeah I read the scripts

24:42

about 2 in the morning which

24:44

is my witching hour and bit of a night owl and

24:48

like I said it wasn't until those those

24:50

final lines end of the offensive

24:53

it's sort of becoming a reality now and

24:56

now it's my job to make

24:58

sure everyone's

24:59

takes are as good as they can be and

25:02

to get them into the project

25:05

files that will then become a WAV file

25:08

that will make it to the RSS feed that

25:11

will make it to your device of choice.

25:17

Hello. Right

25:19

I've not

25:22

put any makeup on because I just know

25:25

that I'm gonna cry all off anyway so

25:29

yeah

25:32

okay so the

25:35

email

25:38

I

25:43

don't want to do this I have

25:49

been a mess all week God

25:54

damn you boys

28:00

Right, that's it fucking slow down

28:04

you fuck off you

28:06

fuck off You

28:09

fuck off You

28:13

fuck off Thank

28:25

you so

28:27

much Fucking

28:30

dickhead you fucking know

28:33

babe get off fuck off The

28:37

argument fades There's

28:56

Woody that's what he Oh

29:01

God Okay

29:11

bottom of 62 the final

29:15

scene Patrick Nolan Okay,

29:22

great Oh

29:28

God almighty

29:32

now for God's sake And

29:39

that is farewell

29:43

from Sir Patrick Nolan MBE

29:46

Bye

29:54

You

30:18

Have you got a drink on the go? I've

30:21

got a ramsbury

30:23

pale ale. I

30:26

hate that this says fresh beer. I

30:29

hate it Adam. Every

30:31

time I look at the glass and I see the words fresh

30:34

beer, I hate

30:36

it. Who talks about beer as being

30:38

fresh? Is

30:40

the beer fresh? What? Well,

30:43

but if it's not fresh, you'd know about it. You'd

30:45

be like this crap this. But it's not, you

30:48

know, it's not a fish. It's

30:51

going to be fresh for it should be bottled.

30:54

It should be sealed in a vat or

30:56

it should be in a can. It should, if

30:58

it is any of those things, it would be good for a few

31:01

months. You talk about fish,

31:03

yeah.

31:04

Fish in a can.

31:08

He is. Speaking of fish in a can, here

31:10

comes Paul Wagert. What? There's

31:12

a really handsome headshot of him. Sexy

31:16

headshots here. You're an iPad. I'm

31:18

on a cellular phone. Oh wow.

31:21

God, that's brave with Zoom. Yeah, we'll see

31:23

what happens. Yeah. Your

31:26

teeth look great. Helena.

31:28

Hello, can you hear me? Helena,

31:30

you look fabulous. Paul, you look fabulous too. Yeah,

31:33

Paul, you look absolutely

31:35

radiant. What is your skincare routine?

31:38

And it's the morning. We're expecting the morning

31:41

for me. So I got up, I had a run and now I'm

31:43

ready to go. Yeah, but your skin's glowing.

31:46

New Zealand really is. How are you feeling about

31:48

the end of the offensive? Oh, you know, I

31:51

said to Joel, actually, I really like the ending. I thought

31:53

the ending was very satisfying.

31:55

Because obviously,

31:58

you guys told me. absolutely

32:00

nothing in the lead up to the end. I was like, I don't

32:03

know what's going to happen. Is it going to go

32:05

well or go terribly? So I was very excited

32:07

to read those scripts. And then, yeah, I think we really

32:09

I think you guys really landed the ending

32:12

in the writing. Yeah, the ending

32:15

was really satisfying, I think. So that was great.

32:17

But also it's pretty heartbreaking after five years

32:19

to not get to hang out with those

32:21

guys every week

32:22

in my wardrobe. You know, you're

32:25

going to miss that. Yeah. Yeah.

32:27

And I know you mean. And the same question

32:29

for you, Helena. I don't want to answer

32:32

it because I'm going to get sad. Oh,

32:35

that's all right. That's all right. Yeah,

32:37

let's obviously it's

32:40

it's fucking. It's

32:43

hard, mate. I

32:45

have absolutely loved this

32:47

from the day that

32:49

I sent in myself tape for

32:52

my audition. I was like, that's the

32:54

most fun I've ever had on self-tape. And

32:56

then the audition was the most fun I've

32:58

ever had. And then the first read through

33:00

we had was the most fun I've ever had. And then

33:03

five years on, like, obviously

33:06

we all have other jobs and other

33:08

commitments and things that

33:10

happen in our lives. And

33:13

this has like always been a constant.

33:17

And that is just so

33:19

bizarre to not

33:22

have. Like, yeah,

33:23

I just think I'm going

33:26

to be destitute after this. I have to

33:28

get a routine back and a hobby

33:30

again, you know.

33:31

So when we first kind

33:33

of got the hints that Patrick and Fortitude

33:36

might want to move Ashwood, I was

33:39

like, oh, I don't know if that's

33:41

still that mad. Is he going to let that happen?

33:43

And then as it got closer to the time, I was like, is

33:46

that the only way to end this

33:48

show?

33:48

Maybe. Well, no, obviously there are other ways.

33:51

But, you know, I think that ending

33:54

is a very surprising

33:56

conclusion for me. I was like, oh, I

33:58

didn't know that Patrick. would succeed. And when we got relegated,

34:01

I was like, this is awful, but almost

34:03

feels like the only right thing

34:05

to happen to someone as bad

34:08

as Patrick, it all has to blow up in his

34:10

face. And then it kind of didn't. And we ended

34:12

up with MK London guns of Ashwood.

34:17

Was that our initial plan? Because

34:19

we've been back and forth about this a long time, but

34:22

it's not fair for me to kind of give my account

34:24

of things because you're the writer, it's

34:26

your creation. So

34:29

just tell us a bit about bringing

34:32

the ending to life. It

34:36

was the plan even before episode

34:38

one was made that

34:41

they will get moved at the end of all things,

34:44

because it comes from me

34:47

just being really cynical and

34:49

fearful that this is the next step

34:51

for English football. I mean,

34:54

a few areas, not it's not something that all clubs

34:56

will face the threat of, but I think a few will.

34:59

It's not unprecedented, obviously, because MK Dons

35:01

did it.

35:03

Adam and I had a big, not necessarily

35:06

a mid, you know, mid show crisis,

35:08

but late mid show crisis, when

35:10

we realized that we

35:12

could really piss people off here. And

35:16

we quickly cobbled together a backup

35:18

plan, which was just relegation.

35:22

In these final few months, we

35:24

kind of had two big

35:26

revelations. The first one is, and I'm

35:29

very aware I'm speaking to a Nottingham Forest fan, a

35:31

Newcastle fan and a Huzzville Town fan. Relegation

35:34

is not the end of football. It's just

35:36

a different league. The Premier League

35:38

is not the centre of the universe. That

35:40

shouldn't mean that the story ends. So that's the first

35:43

point. And then the second point was

35:45

that actually people, by

35:47

and large,

35:49

care 90% for Patrick

35:52

Woody and Jess. Like Ashwood

35:56

City going is a pain

35:58

in the ass, but we realized

35:59

that we had to end the show with the characters

36:02

on good terms and in a better place,

36:04

not necessarily Patrick. But

36:08

initially it was like, you know, this is complete

36:11

antithetical to what Woody believes. Patrick

36:13

has done the most Patrick thing ever. Jess

36:16

is, obviously she's evil in some respects,

36:18

but she's very conscientious about this kind of thing. So

36:20

there would be a massive fallout. So

36:23

the last few weeks have been about structuring it so

36:25

our

36:25

characters are happy.

36:28

Again, I don't know if Patrick's happy. Our characters are

36:30

happy, but we can stick to that original idea.

36:33

And I think that

36:35

will satisfy people

36:38

as an end because

36:40

what they care about are those three

36:42

characters, I think. We'll

36:46

find out when the episode's out

36:50

unless they hate it. But

36:54

I think we're fairly positive

36:57

about that theory of where their

36:59

love lies. I

37:02

am a fan first and foremost of

37:04

The Offensive and of Ashford City. So

37:07

I think I've maybe spoken about

37:09

it before. I don't really like to read

37:11

the

37:12

other scenes that are happening unless

37:14

they like are pertinent

37:17

to me knowing how to react

37:19

in the scene because I really love to listen

37:21

to it on a Monday and get the whole

37:24

feel. That

37:26

was from the round table conversation between myself, Adam

37:28

Turrell, Helena Doughty and Paul Waggat. That's about

37:30

an hour long in full and is available on the Patreon,

37:33

patreon.com forward slash Ashford City. There is

37:35

an absolutely unacceptable, ungodly

37:38

amount of stuff over there. There is 20

37:40

exclusive episodes. There is 15, 20 hours

37:44

odd of video, behind

37:46

the scenes, end of season awards,

37:49

interviews, everything, get yourself over

37:51

there. Ladies and

37:53

gentlemen, this is the end. A big thank you

37:55

from everybody

37:56

at Ashford City Football Club to yourselves

37:58

for listening.

37:59

to 3 million downloads. You

38:02

allowed us to invade over 150 countries

38:04

and sabotage their

38:08

ear holes. You gave us a chance

38:10

to do this sort of thing for a living. Adam and I will keep

38:12

doing it so give us a follow

38:14

and keep listening to our stuff. In the meantime

38:16

you could go and listen to Jackie the Ripper. If you haven't

38:18

you could also listen to Boom season 1. Season 2 of

38:21

Boom is out in a month's time. Thanks

38:24

to everybody that has supported the show in a number

38:26

of ways. If you've bought

38:28

something from the club shop that's meant a

38:31

lot to us, not just financially. Come

38:33

on, it's nice to know that you're all

38:35

walking about in Ashwood City merchandise. Full

38:37

clarification on the club shop, it has nearly sold

38:40

out of all the items. This isn't a sales push,

38:42

I promise. We won't be restocking

38:45

the home away and third kits unless

38:47

there is just a crazy demand

38:50

that we would be stupid to miss out on.

38:52

So if you want some bits and pieces get over there

38:54

and I apologise that there's not a

38:57

full selection available. Thank you from Adam

38:59

and myself to Helen Adouti and Paul Wagert

39:02

who made Geste and Patrick Nolan

39:04

such incredible characters.

39:06

They made them funny,

39:08

likeable, hateable,

39:11

killable, shaggable, marriable, avoidable,

39:15

brilliantable.

39:17

They did it all whilst juggling other things

39:19

in their lives. They recorded in cupboards,

39:21

in workplaces, in transit, in

39:24

every way you could imagine

39:26

over the last five years. We think the world

39:28

of them as I'm sure

39:31

you all do. Thank you to

39:33

Luke Moore, Charlie Morgan, Finn Ranson, John Teague,

39:35

everybody at Stack, to Marcus, Pete, Jim,

39:38

Jules, Kate, other names

39:40

that lent their voices. John Champion, Chris Camara,

39:42

Sven Goyne Erickson, Matt Jansen,

39:44

Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer, Micah Richards

39:48

and of course Peter Drury. Thank

39:50

you to all the Patrons who partied with $5 a

39:52

month and kept this show running. I

39:55

think that's it. It's time now

39:56

for you

39:58

to fuck off. and

40:01

rather like Ashwood City, go and

40:03

relocate yourselves to some

40:05

other place. This podcast feed is

40:07

done and dusted.

40:10

It's been a pleasure to entertain you all over the

40:12

last 188 episodes.

40:14

So on behalf of everyone at the team, thank

40:16

you for that.

40:17

And this is

40:20

Goodbye. Or

40:22

is it? So

40:27

how did it all begin? Well,

40:30

that's a very interesting story.

40:32

Oh yeah. And that began way back in 1993.

40:37

I will be a reducing of the public.

40:39

My fellow Americans. Yours

40:41

truly, Patrick Nolan, was

40:44

hot shit and shit hot.

40:47

He bought you one. Yet he was both

40:49

British beef. I

40:51

thought of it tastes good.

40:53

And you're in chief for Royal Paris Stary to Heaven

40:55

at nine.

40:56

The world was no man's oyster. And

40:58

he was gonna slurp that little bad

41:01

boy down his throat with some Tabasco

41:03

and lemon juice, baby.

41:04

And Ian Rush! What about

41:07

that?

41:07

I don't really follow what you mean, to be honest.

41:09

I'm giving you my fucking backstory. Just

41:12

fucking listen. What do you want to listen?

41:14

It's prison. You haven't got anything else on yet,

41:16

twat.

41:19

The less. He's 17. It's so,

41:22

uh... You're a hush, that bastard. The

41:23

start for Pam's, Dennis Irwin,

41:26

has scored! The prequel to The Offensive

41:29

is here. Only on Patreon.

41:32

Nolan out.

41:37

Season one coming in July.

41:42

Give it a listen. But

41:46

give us the money first and then give

41:49

it... Yeah. Just... So

41:52

sign up. Give me your fucking money. It's

41:54

nothing, really. It's like five dollars, you know?

41:56

And then listen to the show. But

41:59

don't...

41:59

Go fucking whinging that I'm

42:02

charging you to listen to something now,

42:04

because you've had about fucking... Well,

42:07

I don't know how many free episodes you've had, but

42:09

now it's time to line my pocket and

42:12

shut the fu- Nolan Out, coming

42:14

in July, only on Patreon.

42:18

Patreon.com forward slash

42:21

Ashwood City. Thanks

42:30

for listening to The Offensive. The

42:32

club shop is open and sells everything from

42:35

home, away and third kits, as

42:37

well as mugs, caps, beanies and

42:39

much more. Don't forget, you can gain access

42:41

to exclusive domestic cup episodes,

42:44

behind the scenes content and additional

42:46

material from The Offensive podcast by

42:48

subscribing to the Ashwood City Patreon.

42:57

The Offensive is a Stack

42:59

Production and part of the Acast

43:02

Creative Network.