At some point in your second century of unlife, you may find yourself experiencing urges - a compulsion to huff the ripe funk of a barely-legal teenager with emotionless shark eyes; an inexplicable desire to form the world's grossest polycule with your girlfriend, her best friend, and your baby;  or even fantasies about performing a c-section in a non-sterile environment with no tools - but before you start thinking it might be a good idea to head off to a secluded island in the gulf and blast your bleach-scented vampiric rock salt all over your deadpan beau, I'd like you to watch this educational video. By the time it's over, I think you'll be convinced that there's only one way to prevent the death of your lover at the hands of a parasitic life-siphoning fetus - and that's abstinence. 

Never Relevant is the only abstinence-only sex ed podcast for vampires. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted inside a cramped womb by halfbreed monstrosities named John, Patrick, and Hugh.