0:00

I did actually have issues with kind

0:02

of, I guess romance and it was quite a big

0:04

thing. I've been together with my partner now for almost

0:06

eight years and we did have a couple of

0:08

years of complacency. He got extremely

0:11

complacent. Um, he would never kind

0:13

of like, set time aside for me and like, do

0:15

all these romantic gestures is gonna

0:17

go out. No problem. I think this

0:20

is public. They're

0:20

getting married.

0:25

Hello, everybody. It's Kim and Maya

0:27

and welcome to our episode of

0:29

The Naked

0:30

Truth. That's right. Brand new season,

0:32

new topics to talk about as well. If you want

0:34

to listen to anything, you can always send us ad M

0:36

on 98 seven's Instagram.

0:39

But, um,

0:39

today, can I put it out there? I hate

0:41

today's topic. It might get me

0:43

into trouble. Get

0:44

you into dress. Tell us what's the topic today?

0:46

Ok. The topic that we're talking about today is dating

0:49

after marriage. Obviously,

0:51

I would have little to, nothing to contribute because

0:53

I'm not married yet. But I

0:55

think what we're looking at is, you

0:58

know, sometimes people always talk about, say you

1:00

still, you should still go out on dates. You should still, you know,

1:02

woo your, your wife alive, you gotta

1:04

keep your romance alive. You got to, you know, make your husband

1:06

happy as well. But then life

1:09

settles in, you get kids,

1:11

you know, you worry about finances. It's

1:13

so strange sometimes you get complacent,

1:15

there's no time at all and then

1:17

things happen. And is that why marriages

1:19

are falling apart? Because people stop dating

1:22

after marriage, they start taking each other for granted.

1:25

I warn

1:25

you first. Are you sure you want to partake in this

1:28

conversation? Sure. And I was just going to ask you

1:30

a question. When was the last time you had a date? You

1:32

see, I'm gonna break

1:34

it for us. Yeah. So

1:37

you know me, I am quite a sentimental

1:39

person. I love planning

1:41

for stuff. I love planning for holidays.

1:43

Doesn't go according to his plan where he cry.

1:46

I get

1:46

angry. I have like

1:48

like docks of, you know, different

1:51

itineraries and even

1:53

for like a little date or like a staycation here

1:55

in Singapore, I will set like an itinerary plan.

1:57

That's really sweet. Um I love to

1:59

do it because, you know, I want to make sure that uh my

2:02

well back then girlfriend as

2:04

well as my, I mean, right now, why to

2:07

feel good about, you know, like spending time with me

2:09

because I hate it when we go

2:11

out on dates and then you know, become silent

2:14

and we don't do anything. And I'm like, ok, so what

2:16

do we do now? No, I like to plan like back to back

2:19

action. So sweet of you.

2:20

That's actually pretty epic because

2:23

I'm not a planner at all. Yeah.

2:24

So life happened

2:27

uh in terms of, you know, like us getting married.

2:29

Ok, let me just share with you before, before

2:32

getting married, you know, we have a lot of time. So we

2:34

go on vacations, for example, we go

2:36

for trips, we plan for like places

2:38

in Singapore to go to like for example, the zoo and stuff

2:40

like that and

2:41

you can be spontaneous because you don't have to think

2:43

about. Is this a child friendly place?

2:45

Is it school holidays?

2:47

But I feel like you still do that. Now, I see your

2:50

Instagram stories all the time and you're always on vacation,

2:52

you're always traveling. Let me tell you the problem

2:54

here because I have been to

2:56

so many places before I got married after

2:58

that. No place to go.

3:00

No way. That's a very

3:02

different type of problem.

3:04

Ok, so here in Singapore, not many

3:07

in Singapore actually, I completely agree.

3:09

So that's the thing, right? Because like, you know, Singapore

3:12

is a small city. It's not that there's nothing to do,

3:14

but they are definitely limited and less

3:16

things to do compared to staying in like a bigger

3:18

country or a city

3:20

spread out a little bit. But I mean,

3:23

you previously with your girlfriend

3:25

and wife you would go to different places,

3:28

right. And you have so many more places now

3:30

to explore for Children, for example.

3:32

And then now with Gemma coming along

3:35

in tow for, for a recent Japanese

3:37

Japan holiday, it was a little bit different.

3:40

Go for drinks.

3:43

You can't leave.

3:44

That's right. And let me tell you, you know, for,

3:47

for meals at restaurants in Japan, right?

3:49

One has to stand outside, carry

3:51

the baby while, while she's sleeping. The other one will

3:53

be eating so it's very difficult

3:55

to eat together. The experience is like completely

3:58

different. So

3:58

I take the answer to my question. Not,

4:01

not a completely no, but

4:03

just much, much less

4:04

because you, I mean, you've been

4:06

through the experience, you would the next time

4:08

you want to go out, you know, you would think twice and go

4:10

like, you know, maybe you just stay at home. I mean,

4:12

you know, she's still young, you know, when we go out, we might

4:14

not be having too much fun. So I want to stay

4:17

at home. So that's what I experience. I mean,

4:19

it's just me, it could be different for everybody

4:21

for

4:22

sure. Maya is getting married.

4:24

Do you have expectations that you want

4:26

to share so that your partner can hear it also?

4:29

You already know guys, you know, me

4:31

too. Well, I've shared so much on air and

4:33

off air already. That's why we're so scared to hear

4:35

now. Yes, of course.

4:37

And I think it's so important to

4:39

set that time with your partner,

4:42

you know, alone. Um, it is nice

4:44

to go out with friends and stuff and I would only imagine

4:46

to go out with kids it would be so much harder. So, I think

4:48

now it's even more so important to

4:50

go on date nights, you know, and put in that effort

4:53

to be romantic. Although my partner is literally

4:56

the most unromantic human being alive

4:59

that way.

5:01

Yeah, he is, he has his own way of showing his love

5:03

sometimes just that you are not

5:05

receiving it. Yeah, we have different love

5:07

languages, but that's another conversation

5:09

for another. We should, we should talk about that next time.

5:12

But um, here's the reality. Ok. Um

5:14

whether it's marriage or like just

5:16

being in a relationship, every relationship

5:18

goes through like, you know, a kind of like

5:20

a almost because you get excited,

5:22

you know, you're getting to know each other to explore

5:25

like, you know, new places together, try new foods

5:27

together. And then after that, you settle into

5:29

a phase whereby you get comfortable with each other,

5:31

you fall into a routine and then

5:33

it becomes mundane and then you start

5:36

to get irritated with each other because you start

5:38

to see all the other things as well. And

5:40

for a lot of couples, you either break up

5:42

at that point in time or you decide to

5:44

make a change and, you know, start

5:46

to find that like spark again. Well,

5:49

I'm quite lucky in a way where I still get very excited

5:51

when I plan for like a weekend with

5:53

my wife going out there recently.

5:55

But recently, um, we, we actually

5:57

went to the zoo to get with Gemma and I was very

5:59

excited. I was like, oh, my gosh, you got to go out together

6:02

and everything and she was as well. But then when

6:04

we arrived there it rained.

6:08

But then it's like how you, you know, enjoy this, even

6:10

these kinds of situations, right? You know, some people

6:12

just get angry and you're like, you know, they get frustrated and

6:14

the day is like ruined. But sometimes it's just like,

6:16

oh, ok, it's really like, you know, let's figure

6:18

out something

6:19

else. Can I share something a little bit personal

6:21

here about my relationship? And I think

6:23

hopefully you can also relate to this. So

6:25

I did actually have issues with kind

6:27

of, I guess romance and it was quite a big

6:30

thing. I've been together with my partner now for almost

6:32

eight years and we did have a couple of

6:34

years of complacency, extremely

6:36

complacent. He would never kind

6:38

of like, set time aside for me and like,

6:40

do all these romantic gestures is

6:42

gonna go out. No problem. I think

6:45

this is public. They're getting married.

6:46

He

6:47

clearly, but

6:50

I think it is so important to communicate

6:52

with your partner because I felt extremely

6:54

frustrated and I felt like I was always

6:57

doing the romantic gestures and stuff.

6:59

And he finally understood and realized that's

7:01

important to me. Now, it might not be important to

7:03

you as an individual. So I think

7:05

it's also important to communicate that.

7:07

Yeah, because like what you said, communication

7:09

is important. But what's even more important

7:11

that is actually the understanding, of course, because

7:14

you can as much as you

7:16

want, but the other person has to understand and also

7:18

realize that this is important. You

7:20

know, if just doing a little thing today

7:22

can make my partner feel happy if just saying like, I love

7:25

you giving her like a kiss or a hug

7:27

or like, you know, maybe your, your,

7:29

your boyfriend or your husband like home

7:31

cooked food, making something simple for him.

7:33

You know, when you finally have the time helping

7:35

to love each other in a way that they know

7:37

how to appreciate actually keeps that alive.

7:40

So this actually is a great point because our producer

7:42

Mandy was sending us some of these like information, right?

7:44

And this is actually from a university study

7:47

from Clark University, um Psychology department.

7:49

Now, a lot of people actually fall out

7:51

of love because of the routine and the complacency

7:54

and you start to get irritated with each other. But

7:56

it is almost never too late to start the process

7:59

of falling in love all over again

8:02

because you have to respect

8:04

your partner enough to try

8:06

to try and put in the same amount of effort

8:09

and curiosity as you do with

8:11

a new person because anything

8:13

that is new and bright and fancy will always seem

8:15

more interesting, but it will always

8:17

get boring over time once

8:19

you kind of like know it. So um the

8:22

date is not so much about having say like a fancy

8:24

dinner or like a big occasion. A date

8:27

is about being together and creating a connection,

8:29

giving them your attention and

8:31

like, you know, being present as well. So dating

8:33

is about enjoying time together with your spouse,

8:36

making memories and building things

8:38

into your marriage. Instead of just like,

8:40

you know, one fancy dinner, it

8:42

could be something small

8:44

but quality time together.

8:46

It could literally be just at home honestly, like

8:48

having a glass of wine, watching a movie together

8:50

and asking each other questions, perhaps that you've

8:52

never asked each other before and being

8:54

present and actually genuinely caring about

8:56

the conversation, not like just like being on your phone

8:58

when you're watching TV together. Yeah,

9:00

I, I had a conversation with one of

9:02

my friend, uh friends before and

9:04

he was saying that once the kid comes along,

9:07

right? It's quite difficult to do

9:09

a lot of romantic things because the kid is always there.

9:13

But my friend said that, you know, it's always

9:15

ok, tell your partner, you know,

9:17

if you do have a kid to um just

9:19

chill a little bit. You know, we can send a kid to

9:22

grandpa grandma's house, for example, have

9:24

a, have a good date night. But my friend was saying, yeah,

9:27

even so my friend told me my

9:29

wife cannot be separated from a kid because

9:31

she's always thinking, ok, is she eating now? Is she

9:33

playing properly? She's sleeping properly? So,

9:35

communicate with your partner and tell your partner it's ok. Let's

9:38

go on a date. Your kid is fine.

9:39

Yeah, I think one of the most successful

9:41

marriages I've seen amongst my friends is

9:44

actually between, um, this couple shout out to

9:46

a Kia as well as Athena. I actually knew

9:48

them since I was in university. Right? And

9:51

you know what was really, really key

9:53

for me was when they actually said the most

9:55

important person that they have in their

9:58

lives are actually each other. You

10:00

love your kids. They're great parents

10:02

by the way, but they always make time

10:04

to date each other Friday nights. You

10:06

know, we're going to figure it out. We will go for dinner,

10:08

we will go out to like party or if

10:10

we're feeling too old and tired that we, maybe

10:13

we'll just chill, we go by the pool and we'll do nothing

10:15

but we have to make time for each other. And this is

10:17

a conscious decision. Now, if you

10:19

get bored with your partner yet, you can find

10:21

time with your friends or like

10:23

to talk to other people that is time

10:26

that you could actually be spending together with your partner.

10:28

It is always, always a choice.

10:30

Yeah, it's

10:30

very true. So maya ready for marriage.

10:33

Oh, yes, of course. This

10:36

thought came to mind as well. So my friend was also saying

10:39

this and uh uh he said

10:41

that, you know, sometimes uh

10:43

us being in, you know,

10:45

an Asian culture, for example, you

10:47

know, you, you don't like to kiss in

10:49

front of your kids. You don't eat whole hands because, you know, it's

10:51

just uncomfortable. Honestly, it's not just

10:53

Asian culture, me and me and my partner,

10:55

we're not very PD a in public at all. Right.

10:58

No, but I read somewhere that says that

11:00

it's ok to actually kiss in front of your kids because

11:04

your kids would love to grow, grow up in a

11:06

family like that. Exactly. Right. So don't,

11:08

don't be too shy, you know, it's because you

11:10

doing other things, you know, it's

11:12

true because like, you know, if your parents

11:14

don't do that in front of you, then you feel awkward when

11:16

you want to like, you know, hold your partner's hands and

11:18

stuff.

11:19

Very true. Correct. You're not teaching them anything

11:21

wrong. If you do kiss in front of your kids,

11:24

I'm going to train Gemma my

11:27

18 month old. So that in the future,

11:29

you know, if I need her to make use of her,

11:32

I'll cook something and then have her give to mommy and,

11:34

and then tell her, say, let me cook this for

11:36

you kiss him now or something like that. I

11:39

think that's better than any date. Right. That's

11:42

very

11:42

true. Your kids learn from the gestures

11:44

that you make with your partner. If you are

11:46

going to be disrespectful, you

11:49

know, shouting at your partner, they,

11:51

they actually feel like, oh, then it's ok

11:53

for relationships to be like that. Now, if you

11:55

don't want your daughter or your son

11:57

to be together with a partner who treats them

12:00

like this and for them to think it's ok then,

12:02

you know, you have to kind of act on

12:04

that as well in your own relationship for sure.

12:07

So happy dating after marriage,

12:10

before marriage whatsoever. Just remember

12:12

this as well that, um, your partner must respect

12:14

you. Number one, you respect your partner as well.

12:17

And, uh, we wish you all the

12:18

best and in any situation, always choose

12:20

your partner.