0:00

Another thing is, you know, in my house, I got

0:02

blackout curtains, and sometimes I just won't be comfortable

0:04

in my own home. When

0:06

I before I die. Sorry,

0:08

what? Oh no. Not nothing. Nothing. Everything

0:11

they clean. I what I'm saying is

0:12

is

0:14

comfortable enough for me that show you so

0:17

like when I go the bathroom, right? If

0:20

my parents in law or like my parents, I

0:22

have to, like, be wary and be knowing

0:25

that if you buy a home now that I'm so

0:27

comfortable coming out of my bathroom,

0:29

going to the kitchen and everything, you know, feeling all

0:31

commando, I don't think

0:33

I can ever stay my parents in law or my parents.

0:36

I to tell you, I

0:39

completely agree with this.

0:45

Is this your only human desire for another

0:47

nanny to a naked truth? And today's topic

0:50

is she this time around, it's going to be a little bit sensitive.

0:52

But hey, you're know what? We're going to go just push forward and

0:54

try our very best to touch it and

0:57

leave it.

0:58

Yeah, I mean, that's what the whole naked truth is about,

1:00

right? Welcome to I think what is this, the third

1:02

episode of season four, by the way,

1:05

these topics will just sit by you guys

1:07

on social media, on our Instagram

1:10

at ninety seven, if you can find us Jericho

1:12

nine eight seven, as well as oh, how strange,

1:15

by the way. And this week's topic

1:17

is staying with

1:20

your in-laws. Is that a yes

1:22

or a no?

1:23

Oh my gosh, it is something that

1:25

you know. Hopefully this question will never,

1:27

ever come about when you're planning for

1:29

the wedding or before you plan for the wedding.

1:32

Because if your wife or your

1:34

husband were to just bring it up, you'll be like, Hmm.

1:37

I'm not too sure. Should I even like see

1:39

it for reals? Like, you know, like, share

1:41

my real thoughts, because what if I? What if I

1:43

see it's going to be there permanently?

1:45

Then I'm going to stay with my

1:48

parents in law forever? What's

1:50

going to happen next? Yeah.

1:52

See your real thoughts cause is the

1:54

make up, too. So everything's on

1:57

the table, right? So just like with

2:00

this are the very men. Of course, you

2:02

are living with your wife now

2:04

with your in-laws. So how did this

2:07

come about? Was this a was

2:09

this like a decision between you or your wife? Was

2:11

there any kind of resistance or

2:13

goal?

2:14

Yeah, I was very lucky

2:16

because I'm an antique dealer,

2:18

so I get along well with my wife's

2:20

mother and like they love to talk to

2:22

me. I feel that, you know, I

2:24

spoke to my parents a lot more than, you

2:27

know, my wife or her sisters. I have

2:29

no idea why. And before

2:31

we got married, right, I told her that,

2:33

you know what? I would like to stay over your place just

2:35

so that you know your parents are a lot more comfortable

2:38

for me. Of course, when you said your your

2:40

girlfriend's parents home, right, they have got rules.

2:43

And for me, my number one rules to follow their rules

2:45

because this is not your house. And if

2:47

you can actually gain the respect by

2:49

following their rules on their turf, then

2:52

it should be OK. And exactly that. In fact,

2:54

I stayed over and my my wife's house

2:56

for a year before we got married. And

2:58

then after that, after we got married,

3:01

I stayed there for another four months before my PTO,

3:03

Kim. So it

3:05

was it came to a point in time, right, where I was

3:07

really ultra comfortable with staying at

3:09

my parents in Law House because, you know, I

3:11

knew the ins and outs they

3:14

would prepare me, my my, my breakfast,

3:16

my meals and everything. And I was ultra comfortable.

3:18

But it's it's really interesting because

3:21

my wife, on the other hand, felt like we

3:24

should get our own home. We should be more comfortable

3:26

that way. I had a chat with a few my

3:28

friends and they told me, No large outlets, no.

3:30

Where are you going to steal your parents in-laws

3:33

place? You know, you're going to bound to quarrel and

3:35

stuff. I'm like, but I've been here for a year

3:37

and a half. I'm OK. But to be

3:39

told, of course, it came to a point where

3:41

I wanted to, you know, like, like, do my

3:44

own thing, come back, sleep at night. And then that

3:46

was when it's a little bit uncomfortable already, you

3:48

know? I mean, it's not your house, so you're not supposed

3:50

to come home anytime you want, you know? I mean,

3:51

yeah, well, so so OK. So

3:54

this whole question about your in-laws

3:56

and stuff like that, let's assume that you guys decided

3:58

to get the house to get in. The house belongs to everybody

4:01

just living together. I

4:03

had a friend who actually

4:05

split up from her partner

4:08

like her then fiancee, and

4:11

so was actually because she

4:13

realized that she loved

4:15

living with his family. So she was being with her

4:17

in-laws. OK? And she loved it.

4:19

They were big family. They always cook on the weekends,

4:21

you know, they're very close. He's got, I think, two

4:24

sisters, the parents are there

4:26

as well, and they're all very, very close until

4:30

one day when they hit a

4:32

fight. And that was

4:34

the moment she realized that the

4:36

space is so important when you

4:38

guys have a fight like, as in, she had a fight

4:41

with her fiancee. Yeah. And

4:43

then what? Because if

4:45

you fight right out loud, everybody can show

4:47

what's going on. And my

4:49

outlook is kind of like, you guys are unhappy,

4:52

but you cannot fight. So it became a very

4:54

strange, profound moment

4:56

for her. She was like, Oh my

4:58

gosh, I never really. It would be an issue.

5:01

Yeah, no.

5:02

And your partner's parents will

5:04

definitely cite your partner.

5:08

Oh, no one is actually so

5:10

if I remember correctly, the fiance's parents

5:12

were very, very close to her and

5:15

they're very reasonable. But it was just that moment

5:17

whereby, you know, sometimes when you fight with

5:19

your partner, it can get quite ugly. I don't

5:22

mean that it happens to the best of us. But

5:25

in that moment, it's like you can fight

5:27

with this person because the parents are there.

5:30

You don't want to show the ugliest

5:32

side of you. Even like Beyonce,

5:34

it was also very awkward because it's like he didn't.

5:37

He didn't know what to say or how to fight with her because

5:39

the parents around it was just too uncomfortable.

5:42

So after the incident, they said under

5:44

the cover and they were like, OK, maybe

5:46

you know, it's good, a reasonable person, it kind of prevents

5:49

us from fighting. And they eventually

5:51

split approximately like a year

5:54

after that first fight, and it was

5:56

because every time they hit

5:58

a fight feel like something unhappy

6:00

at home, they could never

6:02

talk about it. There was no space

6:05

for them to actually have that conversation,

6:07

and even if they had it outside of the house

6:09

is like, You are not

6:12

in your own home. It's just different.

6:15

Even if you have like a bungalow and

6:17

you're in a room and the rooms like far away, it's

6:19

still you still have to go through

6:21

that door to get out.

6:23

All right. Exactly. And the and they lived in a big house,

6:26

so it was a big house and they had they

6:28

had their own room, they were on like the highest floor.

6:30

But it's just that that feeling of knowing

6:33

when you open the door the next morning and

6:35

you go down the stairs, everyone

6:38

knows that you guys sort of like a game. It was

6:40

very comfortable. And yes, we

6:43

just need to be alone, for sure.

6:45

I also feel that, you know,

6:47

when I was thinking about the idea

6:49

of staying with my in-laws, I like

6:52

my wife. Staying with my parents is

6:54

that, you know, it can be jolly

6:56

for like a few years, but

7:00

there is bound to be this impending

7:03

slight, uncomfortable quarrel

7:05

that could actually bring everything apart. And

7:08

when that happens, what snakes

7:10

are they going to move up? Are we going to

7:12

move up? What's going to happen next? So it's

7:14

still quite scary. But

7:17

of course, you know, to each his own, I have heard of like

7:19

friends who have been living with

7:21

their in-laws for years, like my very good

7:23

friend from the Omura. He's been living with his

7:26

own parents and and his wife has been living

7:28

together for four years. It's been like, what,

7:30

eight or nine years already? And they're OK.

7:32

You know, I think as long as you know you,

7:35

you set rules and both parties

7:37

are agreeable with those rules that it might

7:39

work. But of course, you know, not everything

7:42

fits the pie perfectly.

7:44

OK, we actually got some of your responses

7:46

and stories to actually

7:49

share as well. So this

7:51

one is actually from us.

7:53

Whisper somebody sent this to

7:55

us and we thought it was very

7:58

relevant for the topic. So we're

8:00

going to read this one, OK? So this is it says,

8:02

here I am Malaysian and

8:04

I'm not here and I'm staying with my in-laws

8:07

whenever my husband and I fight is exactly

8:09

what we talked about. I have no

8:11

go. So I kind of in the public with these

8:14

and in the bedroom is like it's also his

8:16

bedroom because she moved into his

8:18

home, essentially. So

8:20

when we fight, I can expose myself freely,

8:23

especially with his parents around. I can't voice my

8:25

opinions because I want his peers this year. And

8:28

I also feel like they will cite their son.

8:30

But at the same time, it's also like, I don't want to make

8:32

their son in front of the parents as well.

8:34

Very considerate of boys. And

8:37

like, you know, whenever we fly or whenever

8:39

they know we actually fight

8:41

or we're having a call, the fans will come

8:44

to me and tell me, You know, you must understand

8:46

my son. You know, he's having it really

8:48

tough. He's he's earning money outside,

8:50

you know, like what is difficult and he doesn't

8:52

have the best temper and they will just like, kind

8:54

of like cool satellite in orbit and time and space.

8:57

So they're not like specifically citing the Sun,

8:59

but they're trying to help alleviate

9:01

the situation. But sometimes you know that help

9:03

is like it's it's like it's too hard to

9:06

just just like, leave us alone for a little while. So,

9:08

yeah, his parents are very nice

9:10

to me before the marriage. However,

9:13

it's very difficult to have kids

9:15

in the house, so I always feel

9:17

like I have followed my mother in law's footsteps.

9:19

And as a result, I do feel that my

9:22

husband doesn't really listen to me or respect

9:24

me as much because his mom is around.

9:26

Oh my gosh.

9:28

So and then the worst part came we

9:31

just had a baby boy. And while

9:33

I quote this is from the post, so

9:35

I know his mom will

9:37

make it everything. There's no personal

9:40

space for me as a mother to

9:42

my exercise.

9:44

That role of being a mum, really,

9:46

because it's their grandchild.

9:48

So they feel like right, because like the

9:50

last scene. So when my dad

9:53

comes, you always see that the house is too small,

9:55

hotel is too expensive. There's basically

9:57

no spaces that in everybody. So. My

9:59

brother and I actually made a decision that

10:01

after restrictions are lifted, we're

10:04

going to bring my mom out to Singapore because they

10:06

have not seen each other in a long time. And she's

10:08

like, I don't care what my husband said many things,

10:10

but it's really, really hard for me to

10:13

enjoy living with my husband and

10:15

his family and not be able to see my own

10:17

at the same spot. So I really just

10:19

don't know where it's going to move at this point in time.

10:21

OK, I've heard of a lot of stories

10:23

and a lot of true

10:26

life stories about, you know, people saying what

10:28

happens before marriage? Things will

10:30

definitely change after marriage. And

10:34

your and people are saying, you know, your parents in

10:36

love will be very nice to you before marriage and after everything

10:38

is just topsy-turvy, it's totally

10:40

different. Fortunately

10:43

for me and my wife, you know, everything's still

10:45

the same, but maybe it's because, you know, we're not staying

10:47

together, right? Another thing

10:49

is, you know, in my house, I got blackout curtains,

10:52

and sometimes I just to be comfortable in my own

10:54

home right when I before I

10:56

die. Sorry, what? Oh,

10:58

no. Not nothing. Nothing. Everything they clean. I what I'm saying

11:01

is

11:01

is

11:03

comfortable enough for me to show you. So

11:06

like when I go the bathroom, right? If

11:09

my parents in law or like my parents, I

11:11

have to like, be wary and knowing

11:14

that if you buy a home now that I'm so

11:16

comfortable coming out of my bathroom,

11:18

going to the kitchen and everything, you know, feeling all

11:20

commando, I don't think

11:22

I can ever stay my parents in law or my parents.

11:25

I didn't tell you, I

11:28

completely agree with this. I

11:31

have my own attached bathroom in the house,

11:33

and I cannot tell you the amount of times I've

11:35

just opened the door. They come out

11:38

and pick my clothes from the wardrobe, and

11:40

obviously I'm standing there, but make it right.

11:42

So where are you going?

11:43

Now we're not OK. I can say you may not

11:45

be able to see OK,

11:48

but everything's gonna be okay. That's

11:51

what you want around the whole house. It's

11:53

just like my roots. But you know that

11:55

that level of comfort and freedom

11:58

is very, very different when

12:00

you have someone around buses, when you

12:02

don't have an OK. The

12:04

next point that we want to get to was you

12:06

could be living with your in-laws very happily.

12:09

But a lot of my friends

12:11

have actually said that you

12:14

will not believe how much things

12:16

change when you have a baby

12:19

coming along. So that

12:21

that's OK. Obviously, the pros, you know what? The

12:23

grandparents are around now. You

12:25

know they're there to help take care of babies, and

12:27

obviously you're very appreciated. But when

12:29

it comes down to laying the rules

12:31

and parenting because this is your

12:33

child, right? Grandparents

12:36

will always feel like they

12:38

know better and like they want to help. The

12:40

intention comes from a good place. But even

12:42

to parents, you need space

12:44

as a parent to the old rules.

12:46

Is that because things like 30 years

12:48

ago versus now is very different? Muslim people,

12:51

you know, hold up their allies, the look

12:53

what those people just use you vs

12:55

their lives. And this was actually

12:57

one interesting incident, by the way, I had a friend's

12:59

mother in law not believe in a vs

13:02

the relies, as she said, because

13:05

if you don't feel the heat, you don't feel like the Jones

13:07

Act, which is a how is it possible? So

13:10

they had a big fight because they

13:12

actually had this you vs their allies in the middle

13:14

and stuff. It doesn't work that way. So she keeps

13:16

boiling hot water

13:18

to pour over all this stuff, and

13:21

it's just one of those small things that really

13:23

get to you after a while.

13:24

So, yeah. Yeah. OK,

13:27

I I am

13:29

very close to my parents. My

13:32

wife is very appreciative of my

13:34

parents, so I

13:36

have this very strong confidence

13:38

that I think it'll be OK if I

13:40

stay with my parents. In

13:42

fact, I am also very confident,

13:44

OK, the reason why I'm calling this because, you know, I'm

13:47

a kind of guy who would always give and take like

13:50

if my parents say, OK, do this whenever

13:53

I would listen. But when I do

13:55

have like a real reason or real backing

13:57

as to why I can counter the argument,

14:00

my mom and my dad are also very

14:02

open to understand it. You know, it's not like, Oh, you know

14:04

what? I've been there before and my experience, and if I'll

14:06

do it, if I say it's correct.

14:09

So hence, I feel that there's this possibility

14:11

that, you know, it's OK to stay together.

14:14

In the case of me, stay with my parents

14:17

in law, which is my my wife's parents. I've

14:19

always been this way where whatever they say

14:21

all this and I'll just do it right.

14:24

And and I think also

14:26

it's a possibility. But when it comes

14:28

to like having children because

14:30

I have got no experience, the only experience I have

14:33

would be from reading articles online. And

14:35

this is what you said before. These are things

14:37

that are very new. In

14:39

fact, like you know, the way you, you should

14:41

be carrying your baby to actually make

14:43

your baby not cry all the way to breastfeed

14:46

with new gadgets, to finally

14:49

get the flow going and stuff like that, or even eat

14:51

things up items like, you know, just recently, a lot

14:53

of stuff there.

14:55

Yeah, like like online, they say that you can actually

14:57

eat but snacks, right? But. And

15:00

my parents had all said no buts, Nancy,

15:02

because I got asthma, so something

15:04

like that for me, I'll be like, OK, you know what? I'll

15:06

listen to my parents, all my parents in law. I

15:08

won't bother about the stuff online, but

15:11

when it comes to like, foolproof

15:13

stuff that is proven by by

15:15

doctors, should I

15:17

be listening to my parents in law now or should I be listening to doctors?

15:20

You know, I mean, so that's a bit of what

15:22

is very, very tricky. And I

15:25

have so many friends who I love my friends. Heidi

15:27

married as a child, they're already having kids with the

15:29

amount of stuff that you don't

15:32

realize will change when kids come along is

15:34

willing to eat a lot. I do have friends

15:36

who live with the in-laws and my kids are perfectly

15:39

happy because, yeah, and I ask

15:41

friends, like, How do you do? It honestly is

15:43

not because anyone is fighting

15:45

over, like, who's who has more

15:47

ownership over the kids and stuff like that. My

15:50

three kids and my living with my parents

15:53

and my what very well is because we leave the kids alone.

15:55

We need them to learn to do their own

15:57

things. So when she's at home,

16:00

it's not like the grandma, like the mom

16:02

in law is there telling the kids what to do, that

16:05

she's only there to assist them and

16:07

kind of like help and stuff like that. But

16:09

for like meals and everything. What is mealtime?

16:11

The kids know what kids are schedule. They go to come down and have

16:14

their meals right now. So the establish is almost

16:16

like autonomous learning

16:19

for the kids. And the kids are pretty young, by the

16:21

way. They're like three to about

16:23

seven. And they understand

16:26

that, you know, they have to learn how to be independent and

16:28

the grandparents, which is the parents in law,

16:30

they believe in that as well. And they follow

16:33

the mom's teachings because with

16:35

their son, obviously less time, you know, they

16:37

were a lot more likely to deal with it

16:39

and do a lot more hands on. But they

16:41

saw the value of the

16:44

kids learning to be independent and be just

16:46

as to. So it's

16:48

very tough because, like for you, you're

16:50

fortunate enough to have that open communication

16:52

with your parents. But no one

16:55

is that kind of relationship, especially in Asian

16:57

culture, in Asian culture is really like my

17:00

mother seeing my father say, and you have to follow

17:02

me

17:03

if you if you see anything else, if you

17:05

like, it is almost like, you know, you are being rude,

17:07

even if you have grounds for it. It's

17:10

not easy. And if you are currently in

17:12

this situation and you're living with your in-laws

17:14

and you find it is very

17:16

tough, to be very honest,

17:18

I have friends who have moved

17:20

out and they there that their relationship

17:23

with the in-laws improves so much after

17:25

they move on. Time

17:27

apart is actually helpful when you stay

17:29

together for too long. It's like space

17:32

once again switches on. It could

17:35

be. You could be doing very well with your parents

17:37

and all your parents. So it depends, but I've

17:39

got a few, you know, like basic rules. If you intend

17:42

to live with your in-laws and this is not done by me,

17:44

it's actually from hold. So number

17:46

one, you have to understand

17:48

and what I said before as well. Understand your in-laws

17:50

boundaries as well as house rules.

17:52

If you do want to stay in their house, you

17:55

listen to their rules if they want to stay in

17:57

your house. You set the rules and

17:59

it's not like, you know, my rules or the highway.

18:02

It's more of like, you know, if I set the rules, are you

18:04

agreeable? If you argue, Well, that's cool. If you're not, we

18:06

will, then let's change up the rules again.

18:09

Okay. Number two

18:12

the rule? Yeah, correct.

18:14

Yes. Number two is to set a

18:16

routine, establish a routine. So that means

18:18

if let's say I would like to wake up around

18:20

this time, just share with everybody. You

18:23

know, I like to be around this time. I want to go out the house

18:25

around this time when we come back home around this time,

18:27

I want to eat around this time, let's eat together

18:29

if we need to. Mondays, Wednesdays,

18:31

Fridays. So set a routine so that everybody be

18:34

comfortable with that routine as well. Game

18:37

number three, create clear channels

18:39

of communication, so if there's a need

18:42

to talk to each other, have

18:44

that chance to talk to each other and not be

18:46

afraid that if I see something, will

18:49

that communication sadly become a break down?

18:51

Will I feel uncomfortable after that? So create

18:53

clear channels. I tell everybody that, you know,

18:55

guys, if I want to talk, can I

18:57

talk? Can we have this two

18:59

way communication? Right

19:02

next one is to spend time with your in-laws.

19:04

Don't treat the house as a hotel.

19:07

If you're doing that, then by supposed to be a part.

19:10

That's true, that's very, very true. I shouldn't

19:12

say this, but I think

19:15

also just whether or not you're living with your in-laws

19:17

regardless have basic respect is

19:19

not just you respecting your in-laws,

19:21

it's also your in-laws respecting your space,

19:24

your space. You know,

19:26

sometimes kids grow up, they want to do their own thing as well.

19:30

And that basic respect is, is is

19:32

something that, OK, how should

19:34

we benchmark this? I guess

19:37

to be awarded that respect basically

19:40

means to be able to. Be

19:42

free in your own home without judgment.

19:45

Yeah, so for example, if

19:47

you came home and you had a bad day today

19:49

and you just I have a bit of a tantrum,

19:53

there has to be space and understanding that this is

19:55

not you every day. This is just you having a bad

19:57

day. They got to know that these

19:59

things happen and they can't judge you for this,

20:02

right?

20:02

So I I'm a klutz. I should be OK to do

20:04

so. No.

20:07

OK, no, I understand. OK, OK.

20:08

Right, right, right. That's a difference that will respect.

20:11

Got it. Got it.

20:13

So now are you across the boundaries? You

20:15

look behind the boundaries. I cannot see the boundaries.

20:19

Yeah. No.

20:22

No. Goofing off in the house.

20:25

Right, right, right. Right.

20:28

So whatever the situation

20:30

you are in right now, whether you are about

20:33

to move in with your in-laws and you're a little bit apprehensive

20:36

or you are already living with the in-laws

20:38

and you're very happy or you know, you're trying

20:40

to make situation better, we

20:42

we hope that you know these well

20:45

rules that you know we actually saw from actually

20:48

help you out. And at the end of the day, just

20:51

remember that, you know, moving out is also not

20:53

a bad thing. Yeah, I

20:55

have a lot of people who who

20:57

I told off for wanting to move out and

20:59

having their own space because the in-laws

21:01

actually felt like, Oh, that, you know, because people like us

21:03

as you move up. But no, I mean, the

21:06

simple understanding is, you you. When

21:08

you got married, you had the time and space and

21:10

the resources to do your own home, while

21:12

your kids should also be awarded

21:14

that same freedom. That's

21:17

true.

21:18

That's true. All right. With that, we

21:20

conclude today's or this week's topic.

21:22

You know, I was still on a

21:24

look out for more topics as well, stuff

21:27

that you know would resonate with you. So go ahead

21:29

and follow us right now, 987 AFAM

21:31

General Ninety seven as well as well. How

21:33

strange and share with us DM us

21:35

any topics that you are interested for

21:37

us to talk about something that we can't talk

21:40

on air. You know, we'll just do it anyway. You

21:42

can also follow us on our podcast

21:44

on Willison.

21:45

Yes, me in of course, you

21:47

don't know where two nine eight seven get up all

21:49

a search for the truth. We're also

21:51

on Spotify, Apple Music. But

21:54

next week's topic, by the way, we're just going to give you

21:56

a hint we've already. OK, you

21:59

got. I'll be ready.

22:01

Oh, we're going to talk about something that I

22:03

think is to be, but not so

22:05

much anymore. Interfaith marriages.

22:08

Oh yeah. So for example, if

22:10

you are a Catholic or a Christian and

22:12

then like, you know, your your girlfriend

22:15

is kind of like Buddhist or if you think your parents

22:17

are like, Oh, she's good for our faith, how

22:20

do you overcome that? We are also

22:22

going to have a special guest

22:25

share with us, her experience as well when

22:28

she decided to follow her husband's faith. How

22:30

did it come to that? Yeah, it's

22:32

going to be a familiar special

22:34

guest. So fun to tune in more

22:36

than you could chew.

22:37

All righty. Till then, we'll talk to you again.

22:39

You take care. Stay safe, guys.