0:00

Radio Do. You

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didn't. Hear this from Me! But Normal

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Gossip is back for a sixth season.

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Join host Kelsey Mckinney as she shares

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the juiciest gossip from the real world.

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Each episode she's joined by a special

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guest and you might recognize a couple

0:25

this season from the radio. Toby A

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Universe Normal Gossip named one of the

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best podcasts of a year by Time

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Magazine and Vulture is out now on

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all your favorite podcast platforms. New episodes

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starting April seventeenth, Hates.

0:40

Meal and Steve welcome to Mortify

0:43

Mortified. So

0:50

we are. You know what I like about this

0:52

awkwardness? Neil? What do you like about. It. I

0:54

like the we had no idea what to say.

0:59

After that and that's partially because we're trying a

1:01

new format of the show where we're both oh

1:03

so. he has been shaking the show up a

1:05

little bit in terms of format. But.

1:08

The. Other reason that I like that. Is.

1:10

Because whoa, What happened when we

1:12

stumbled? what? we both left? Yes,

1:15

we bonded over just how awkward

1:17

that was. Which is fitting because

1:19

we're devoting this entire season of

1:21

the podcast to be about Mortified

1:23

Community, which is a community that

1:25

entirely built around people laughing at

1:27

awkward moments. And today we're going

1:29

to be taking the concept of

1:32

community to a level that it's

1:34

never gone before in the board.

1:36

For a podcast. We are. we

1:38

are. We are conducting our first

1:40

ever. Community wide tournament.

1:42

Wow, that's exciting. Are

1:44

you wearing your protective

1:46

armor? I'm so

1:49

not a sports guy that I didn't know

1:51

what to call detective Armor. Okay, Yes,

1:54

I'm wearing my jock strap right now. Perfect.

1:56

As. You may know Over the years Mortified

1:59

is hosted live. In cities across the

2:01

globe. Are origen.

2:06

For what you might not know is

2:08

that they're all local productions organized by

2:11

residents of each community grip front page

2:13

of the real life. welcome to Mortified.

2:15

And one thing is clear in each

2:17

one: the sense of community. A strong.

2:21

Welcome some more to a so nice

2:24

to see you! This is the while

2:26

his audience I have ever performed for

2:28

it often feels like one enormous beautiful

2:31

trees and Fim we've put your hands

2:33

together for the very brave souls. Cities

2:36

brave souls about suggests months.

2:39

So after twenty years of watching their

2:41

community grow. We. Decided to be

2:44

fund. As you are, more listeners

2:46

determine which one of those chapters

2:48

is the most mortified in all

2:50

the land. Is there one cities?

2:53

It's more awkward than the rest.

2:55

Behold the competition where it's actually

2:57

a complement to lose. It's

2:59

absurd because it's like at trying to

3:02

figure out which is the best Burger

3:04

King that is the worst compliment you

3:06

could ever. Get

3:08

it? From

3:14

Pure X and Were Utopia this is

3:16

mortified. And to the and the show

3:18

Our first ever. Most

3:22

Mortified Tournament have seen Anx

3:24

Ernst sick of It as

3:26

the Superbowl Childhood diaries, The

3:28

Olympics of adolescent Poetry The

3:30

World Cup of Awkwardness, a

3:32

tense multi episode competition to

3:34

determine which city should wear

3:37

the crown of Most Mortified

3:39

or Neil. Yes, Dear Tell

3:41

us how this tournament that we're

3:43

doing is gonna work. Shirt.

3:46

For we've never done anything like

3:48

this before know. So here's what

3:50

we're thinking. In each tournament style

3:52

episode, we're going to feature performances

3:55

from it least two different mortified

3:57

chapters and then once that episode

3:59

airs. The. Audience is gonna

4:01

have to cast their vote for

4:03

which city is the most mortified.

4:06

All you have to do to

4:08

vote is go to Get mortified.com/vote.

4:11

An. Effort each head to competition.

4:14

There's. Gonna be a winner that then

4:16

moves onto the next round and then

4:18

they'll face off against another city and

4:20

then in our season finale will actually

4:23

announce which city is ultimately crown most

4:25

mortified. Yup, it's the only vote, your

4:27

cast and twenty twenty four that won't

4:30

totally stressing the fuck out. J.

4:33

Or less to. Round.

4:39

One she's to that have

4:41

to be that dramatic anyway.

4:43

We're. Starting off the tournament with a truly epic

4:45

face off, Today's headed battle

4:47

pits Two cities who have been

4:50

to have models that encourage people

4:52

to keep the town weird. It's

4:54

Mortified Portland vs. Mortified Austin which

4:57

chapter is most mortified? First Step

4:59

Mortified Portland. We sat down with

5:02

producer he can damn He and

5:04

found out why he thinks his

5:06

city is worthy of winning. The

5:09

Clown I think some of the

5:11

unique elements of Portland really so

5:13

themselves at Mortified Shows. We have

5:16

a very. Dedicated audience.

5:18

They really embodied that the

5:20

premise that they're not here

5:23

to laugh. at least people

5:25

there is there to root

5:27

for these people on stage.

5:30

They are very imperfect and

5:32

to me that kind of

5:34

respect for people's vulnerability is

5:37

a very portland characteristics so

5:39

that that stands out to

5:41

me. And perhaps that's no

5:44

coincidence because by day I'm.

5:46

i'm matter how therapist the

5:48

psychotherapist and at night or

5:51

at least three or four

5:53

nights a year i produce

5:55

and host mortified here in

5:57

portland oregon or been doing

5:59

it for 16 years now. My

6:03

eldest child was in

6:06

the womb, eight and a half months

6:08

pregnant, at our first ever show and

6:11

that child received his

6:13

driver's license within the

6:15

past few months. So

6:17

after all these years of curating the

6:19

show in Portland, what peace did

6:22

he select for today's tournament? Someone

6:24

who not only lives in Portland, but grew up

6:26

there, Sarah Binns. I guess I

6:28

would describe her entries as

6:31

it's almost like a detective

6:33

story mixed with like a

6:35

romance novel. She's trying

6:37

to figure out how she

6:39

could get close to her crush

6:42

to have him notice her.

6:44

It's almost like she's doing research into

6:47

the best way to get

6:49

to his heart. Here's Sarah at

6:52

the Alberta Rose Theater in Portland's

6:54

Alberta District. Hi, my

6:56

name is Sarah Binns and I am lucky to be

6:58

a Portland native. I

7:01

grew up on the west side with my parents and a

7:03

younger sister who is actually here in the audience tonight. As

7:08

a kid I had a flair for the dramatic and

7:11

when I got to middle school that flair

7:13

was exacerbated by hormones. I

7:16

started journaling at age 11 and my notebooks

7:18

were a way of expressing myself. When

7:21

I was in seventh grade at Da Vinci Arts Middle

7:23

School I fell in love for the

7:25

first time with an eighth grader named Matt. I

7:28

was head over heels in a bit of a creeper

7:30

kind of way. My

7:33

best friend Haley and I spent most of the year

7:36

thinking about our crushes. Tonight I'm

7:38

going to read to you entries from my seventh

7:40

grade journals. November

7:42

24th, 1998. I

7:45

love and like Matt so much. I

7:48

wonder if Matt likes me as a friend. I

7:50

hope so. I'll be his friend if he'll be

7:52

mine. He's running for school president.

7:55

I'm voting for him. November

7:57

26th. Peace! I'm

8:00

in love. I'm so in love.

8:03

I'm going crazy. Even thinking

8:05

about Matt, I smile my broadest. Happy

8:08

holiday, happy Thanksgiving, happy love.

8:16

I think I'll wait on making any of the love

8:18

spells I got from that book in the library and

8:26

see if I myself can make him like me. December

8:32

3rd. Matt is

8:34

now president of Da Vinci Arts Middle School

8:36

and I sit by him and I love

8:38

him. I

8:41

found a note in the recycling to Matt and

8:44

this girl named Ariel. The note

8:46

is weird. Ariel called him baby. I don't

8:49

even know her but I'm pretty sure I don't like

8:51

her. She

8:57

sounds like a bitch. I

9:07

also found out that Vanessa likes Matt.

9:09

I'm mad because she wants to go out with him

9:11

and be Monica Lewinsky to his school president. December

9:29

7th year. Yesterday

9:31

was so wonderful. It was

9:34

a school dance. I was thinking about

9:36

not dancing with Matt if it meant I had to

9:39

ask him. My stomach was

9:41

doing four back bends, two somersaults and

9:43

a couple cartwheels. I

9:46

ran away several times and then Cedar said,

9:49

Sarah, do you want me to ask him? I said

9:51

yes. I

9:53

felt like I was going to throw up. Then

9:55

Cedar found me again and asked, faster

9:58

slow. have

10:00

stopped for a short time there. Matt

10:02

was going to dance with me. I

10:05

was close to thinking. I said slow.

10:07

I went and found Haley and, screaming,

10:10

told her what happened. Well,

10:12

the next slow dance came and I went over to

10:14

Matt. He took me by my hips and then

10:16

I put my arm above his neck. Is

10:18

that the ecstasy you guys? It

10:20

was wonderful. We

10:34

didn't make much eye contact. Some,

10:42

okay, maybe half of the school was looking

10:44

at us. I

10:48

truly wish I could have danced all night. Before

10:51

we got dancing too long, I asked, are

10:53

you sure you want to do this? He

10:55

said yes. He

11:02

said yes. Before

11:06

long, it was over. I said thank you and

11:08

he said no problem. I was

11:11

so happy. By the

11:13

time the dance was

11:15

over, me and Haley

11:26

were going to scream any second. That

11:29

was my first dance with a guy and he was

11:31

the president. I

11:35

wrote a lot of letters to Matt in my

11:37

notebook saying things that I couldn't say to him

11:40

during the daytime and here is one of those

11:42

letters. Dear

11:44

Matt, I like you a lot.

11:47

I mean, according to Celine Dion, you are

11:49

the reason I wake up every day. I'm

12:00

actually in love with you. I

12:06

do want to say thank you very much for

12:09

risking your popularity by dancing with me. It

12:17

was my dream come true. I

12:19

love you tremendously. I would love

12:21

it if maybe you could become my boyfriend. Please,

12:24

would you like and love me as much as I love

12:26

you? Could you maybe ask me to

12:28

dance with a Valentine's dance? I love you. Love,

12:31

Sarah. January 12th. I

12:35

keep looking at Matt and he then stares at me. I

12:38

wish he stared at me because he likes me, not because

12:40

he knows I stare at him. Why

12:55

is this happening? Why am I

12:57

falling so much in love? I

13:00

also get really jealous when Matt talks to Haley.

13:03

Please don't let Matt like Haley. They're

13:05

talking right now. Oh, please. Please

13:08

stop talking to her. It's

13:10

not safe to write anymore about you know who. January

13:19

13th. Mom is at

13:21

a class on adolescent girls. I hope it works.

13:26

So

13:38

before I fall asleep, I think about Matt

13:40

hitting me from car crashes and mean people.

13:45

I call these scenarios. And

13:49

now for your listening pleasure, here is one of

13:51

those scenarios. Scenario

13:56

number five. It's

14:00

the day of my birthday party and we're still at school.

14:03

I leave Paris to get something from my lunch here. Merritt

14:06

follows right behind. I hear

14:08

him say, Sarah, I'm very puzzled.

14:11

She says, I want to give you these now and not

14:13

wait until you're pulled in. He pulls out

14:15

a big blue velvet case. I

14:17

open the case and gasps the biggest gasp

14:19

ever. It's a diamond

14:21

necklace and earring. Merritt,

14:24

I...why? I

14:29

get... I

14:40

get tears in my eyes. Then he

14:42

fastens the necklace around my neck. I

14:44

need to ask you something, he says. He

14:46

takes another blue box out of his pocket and it

14:49

opens it. It's a diamond ring. He

14:56

then says, Sarah, I've been in love with

14:58

you greatly ever since I met you. Would

15:02

you be willing to accept this as

15:04

a long-term engagement and

15:09

promise that you would be willing to marry

15:11

me when we're both 20? I

15:18

burst a bit serious and then I have to

15:20

say, yes, I will, in between sobs. He

15:23

puts the ring on my finger and gives me a big kiss

15:25

on the lips. He asks, would

15:27

it be okay if we had a betrothal ceremony

15:29

at school? Of

15:36

course I said yes. A

15:40

week later, there's an announcement saying, attention

15:42

students and teachers. There

15:53

will be a betrothal ceremony. He

16:05

will be before the ceremony Between out

16:08

his neck and senate and happening at

16:10

one o'clock This is no joke and

16:12

it is legal. At

16:23

one o'clock we all go to the auditorium

16:25

and there's a real pre a maid of

16:27

honor, Haley and the best man. It's almost

16:29

the same as a real weather, but the

16:31

preset that we are not old enough. To

16:34

go to the same high school and college and they

16:36

all the way. I know

16:39

making for say that again proposes with him,

16:41

get married and with happily ever after. January

16:50

twentieth: Guess. What I'm listening

16:52

to. I'm listening to the song Met my Bf

16:54

soup. Hey,

16:56

we found it on her dad semigloss Mcd.

17:09

I've actually listening to. our song is

17:12

called Area. It's really. Cool. February

17:17

self. Today

17:22

Matt War has read hello Star Search.

17:25

You. Know I'm so obsessive I never

17:27

afford of he wears every day. I

17:31

think I'll always love math. I

17:33

found some loves us and that library books I

17:35

think I can do the cell phone that ask

17:37

my birthday very. Few

17:40

drinks mean. Zune

17:49

for. Why? Didn't anyone

17:51

tell me love with this? Painful. Today

17:55

met one is cream Kathy's and is beautiful

17:57

white Follow sports her. We

18:01

hardly looked at each other. During

18:04

the fourth period, I was reading also very silently

18:06

over Brittany's shoulder and a note she was writing.

18:09

I noticed some big letters, not. I

18:12

was determined to get the paper. I

18:14

saw Brittany rip it up and throw it away. After

18:17

class, I discreetly gathered most of the pieces,

18:19

which I later pieceed together. See

18:22

paper low, or in this case, I was

18:24

just like, February

18:42

21st. I wish someone liked

18:44

me. I mean, duh, I want Matt to like

18:46

or love me, but I want someone else to

18:48

maybe like me. I've had my

18:50

share of liking people, but I don't think anyone's liked me.

18:53

Here I am a seventh grader, and no one likes me.

18:57

April 28th. Yesterday, Hailey and

18:59

I went prom dress shopping for the end

19:01

of the year dance at Drumroll Lloyd Center.

19:12

Today, during drama, Matt and I were

19:14

basically talking with our eyes, and I

19:16

enjoyed every moment of it. May

19:22

1st. Yesterday was the last dance

19:24

of the year. I decided I had to ask Matt

19:26

to dance. I

19:29

found him during a fast song, and I went up to him. The

19:31

most amazing thing was that I wasn't

19:33

even partially nervous. I didn't really

19:35

stumble. There were no butterflies in my stomach.

19:38

I just bluntly asked, you probably have a rather

19:40

long waiting list, but would you mind dancing with

19:42

me? He

19:45

said, how about the dance after the next one? I

19:48

went over to Hailey and told her. I was so

19:50

happy I had asked him myself. Then, it was

19:53

a slow song. I looked over

19:55

to Hailey. My heart stopped. There

19:58

was Hailey. bestest friend in

20:01

the whole world, dancing with

20:03

the man of my dreams. She

20:23

was dancing with Matt. My

20:25

first thought was, you bitch. I

20:30

promised you wouldn't dance with him. I'll

20:32

hate you. I

20:35

started crying. I thought I was truly

20:37

going to die right then and there. It

20:39

was the worst three minutes of my life. Finally,

20:43

the accursed song was over. Haley

20:46

came right over to me. I'm so sorry,

20:48

she said. He was just right there and

20:50

he asked me to dance. I

20:53

felt like my whole world was crashing down on my

20:55

head. It was then the next

20:57

song. I was worried that my mascara

20:59

was running. I saw Matt and

21:01

figured he wouldn't dance with me. I

21:04

started crying again. Please don't

21:06

break my heart, I thought. He

21:08

saw me, I saw him, and then

21:10

my heart was lifted. He walked

21:12

toward me. He looked at

21:14

me with his beautiful eyes. He put his hands

21:17

on my waist. I lifted my hand on his

21:19

sweaty shoulders. I

21:30

was very happy, but my heart was still aching at the

21:32

side of him dancing with Haley. It

21:35

did feel wonderful to have him touch me. At

21:38

the end, he didn't let go until the very last minute

21:40

on the phone. We both smiled at

21:42

each other. All said thanks and he

21:44

said, give me thanks. I

21:48

did. I

22:00

did and it was wonderful. I'm sorry.

22:08

And when I walked away, I did feel like I

22:10

was walking on air. June

22:13

30th. What if, when

22:15

I'm older and have won an Oscar or

22:17

the Humanitarian Award or the Nobel Peace Prize...

22:23

Well, maybe I'll be in my early 20s. And

22:27

maybe, hopefully, I'm going out with Matt.

22:29

Maybe my journals could be published. I

22:32

like that. Maybe I'd change the

22:34

names. But what good would that

22:36

do? Everyone who knows me would already know the

22:38

whole story. And

22:41

what if Matt and I never get together? And

22:44

what if I absentmindedly publish my journals?

22:56

Maybe then he'll understand and come back to me.

23:00

Well, I kind of like the idea of

23:02

me being the only person on Earth who knows

23:05

everything that's in here. It's

23:07

a nice feeling. I'm going to write more in

23:09

my story name. Cool. Thank

23:11

you. That

23:13

was Sarah Bins, reading her diaries at a

23:16

Mortified Portland event at the Alberta Rose Theatre

23:18

in 2015. With

23:24

Round 1 halfway through, there's clearly

23:26

fierce competition for our next city.

23:29

But they're up to the challenge.

23:31

Just ask Mortified Austin producer Michelle

23:33

Dallenberg. So, by day, I'm

23:35

a podcast producer and a college

23:37

professor in theatre. And

23:40

by night, I'm a story producer for

23:42

Mortified Austin. I've been doing this for

23:44

over 15 years, which

23:46

is astonishing. And why does

23:49

Michelle think the Austin chapter is the one

23:51

most worthy of winning Most Mortified? I

23:53

don't think you can get a friendlier audience than

23:55

an Austin mortified audience. They are just the absolute

23:58

best. performer

24:00

come and they're so nervous and we have

24:03

to say, remember, they are here

24:05

because they are you. They

24:09

want to be together with

24:11

other people and just laugh and cry with

24:13

you. And that energy is something

24:16

she's experienced not just as a producer.

24:18

I also perform for the show

24:20

sometimes. And I just got to perform recently

24:22

for the first time in five years. And I'd

24:24

never done this new material before. I

24:27

was shaking the whole time I did it and I just

24:29

felt so much support from the audience. And

24:31

it's not just the audience's southern hospitality

24:34

that makes Austin so special to her.

24:36

We're currently at the High Ball in

24:38

Austin, which is part of Alamo Drafthouse.

24:41

And I just love when the staff has

24:44

never seen a mortified show before and they're

24:46

just doing their job, they're just there working.

24:48

And then we just catch them watching the

24:50

show and laughing because they've seen so many

24:53

things. They watch show after show after show.

24:55

And in fact, our show that's happening next

24:58

actually has an Alamo Drafthouse staff member

25:00

performing in it because she got so

25:02

into the show from just watching it.

25:05

So it just feels like we're all part of

25:07

the same big community and we all have different

25:09

roles to play. Some of us are serving drinks,

25:11

some of us are running around backstage making

25:13

sure that microphones are plugged in, some of us are

25:15

playing in the band, some of us are audience members,

25:17

we're all part of this big project together. So

25:21

what did mortified Austin choose to represent

25:23

itself in today's tournament? A

25:25

truly one of a kind set

25:27

of journal entries from a participant

25:29

named Jason Oliver. Podcast fans may

25:31

even remember Jason's performance from

25:33

episode 42. Here he is

25:35

on stage in Austin. Hey

25:38

everyone. All right.

25:41

I was an only child growing

25:43

up and my family moved around a

25:45

lot. And I changed schools

25:48

a lot after

25:50

kindergarten. And that

25:55

actually kind of made it hard to sort

25:57

of have a lot of consistency and have

25:59

a friend. and have

26:01

a group that I really belong to. Sort

26:04

of at that time, and at the

26:06

time of these writings, I

26:09

was also really in the Shakespeare mythology, and

26:13

that really didn't help matters at all. I

26:19

tried to make do. Then,

26:21

you know, the movie Braveheart

26:23

came out. And

26:27

that was my shit. I

26:31

saw that, and seeing that for

26:33

the first time, I

26:35

really connected with it. Away.

26:40

I still don't understand it, but

26:42

I made my parents take me to

26:44

Scotland three

26:48

summers in a row, and I

26:50

really connected with it. I

26:55

just understood that time so much that

26:59

I felt that I should have been born

27:02

in the 17th century in

27:05

Scotland of upper nobility class, like

27:09

a king. It would have been nice to

27:11

be a king. No

27:14

one else thought that, but I did. It

27:17

was confusing because a lot of people

27:19

saw Braveheart. It wasn't just me.

27:24

It's like everyone else was weird. I

27:26

was right. But

27:29

I sort of sublimated that desire in me

27:33

into my journal so much

27:35

that I started writing as

27:39

a Scottish king. I

27:52

had to have a name, and I really thought about

27:54

it a lot and started putting names together. My

27:57

name's not Scottish. Scottish

28:00

name I could come up with was

28:02

Simon McSimmons. So

28:06

that's what I chose. So

28:10

this is the diary of Simon

28:12

McSimmons. Second

28:21

of December at 1421 hours. Shakespeare's

28:27

legacy is being

28:29

destroyed. In

28:33

the faraway land of Manchester,

28:36

that's England for the Americans out

28:38

there. The

28:42

war for Shakespeare is starting.

28:45

Young warriors of freedom,

28:48

it is the key

28:50

to the door of

28:52

utopia. I

28:56

have more knowledge than adults.

29:02

Look at them. They

29:04

are nothing. They

29:07

are so old. I

29:11

will be great. I

29:14

will be adored. I

29:17

will exhumed. Exhumed

29:25

is a stage direction. A

29:28

lot of Renaissance theater text. It

29:30

just means leave the stage. That's all it really

29:32

means. It's not for anyone other than the actors

29:34

that read it. But

29:37

I thought that was a better way, more

29:39

classy way to end every journal entry I

29:41

wrote as Simon. Just with a

29:43

little exhumed. Instead

29:46

of just flipping the page or saying, I'm done now.

29:52

I don't know if you all may know this, but feeling

29:55

like you're a Scottish king doesn't

29:57

make you a lot of friends.

29:59

Um... Like,

30:04

I felt that, but I can tell people that. Um,

30:07

you can't. Um, but

30:10

I felt like I was, and the people that, like, I

30:12

felt like didn't understand me, I just, like, they were just,

30:14

they were just... serfs. They

30:17

were just, like, dumb serfs. Diary

30:23

of Simon McSimmons. 14th

30:26

of January, 1631 hours. Dance,

30:32

my puppet! Dang! Watch

30:35

me from below, pulling your

30:38

strings to and fro. Why?

30:42

Just because I can. I

30:47

am the puppeteer. I

30:49

stand, a towering figure,

30:52

tall, on my corded,

30:54

intense leg muscles. I

31:00

am one of the beautiful people, able

31:04

to do beautiful things.

31:08

I consider myself a

31:10

deity. Exhumed.

31:19

Um... I

31:25

had just moved to a new school,

31:27

and, uh... And

31:32

it was, like, a really upper class kind

31:34

of area of Dallas. And,

31:37

uh, I met some kids, and

31:39

I, like, I called them the

31:41

Abercrombie kids. It

31:44

was rife with them. And they kind

31:46

of teased me pretty hard about it, about the

31:48

way I looked and dressed. I

31:51

had long hair and, you know... But,

31:55

like, Simon, I felt like he

31:58

was ready to wage a war. on

32:00

them. Diary

32:03

of Simon McSimmons, 22nd of

32:05

March at 1722 hours. Fucking

32:07

hate Abercrombie

32:13

guys! What

32:17

do you call them? A clan?

32:19

A species?

32:23

Bunch of meatheads, mindless

32:25

idiots that watch television shows

32:27

like Jackass, Fifth Wheel, and

32:30

reality television. Fucking

32:33

hate Abercrombie guys! Eggzoot!

32:48

As the semester went on I realized

32:51

that they were just wanting a clan like

32:53

I was. I think a

32:55

lot of people want that. So

32:57

I became over time somewhat with somewhat

33:00

friends with some of them. But

33:03

Simon was still a little like

33:05

query. Diary

33:09

of Simon McSimmons, 23rd of March

33:11

at 2346 hours. The Abercrombie species.

33:21

Standing off to the side and bitching about

33:23

them isn't gonna do a damned thing. Perhaps

33:27

we can band together. I'm

33:29

a jack-of-all-trades, but

33:31

that implies positivity, which

33:33

also implies friends and I really don't

33:35

have either. I do have

33:41

to say one thing about Abercrombie girls.

33:45

They are fucking hot. Which

33:53

it makes me wonder, is

33:56

that the reason I don't like them? Because

33:59

I can't be one of them. Am

34:02

I jealous? Maybe

34:05

all of this animosity stems from a

34:07

need to be part of a group. For

34:09

people to be part of my group.

34:13

No. No, I

34:15

hate them. I am no.

34:17

Al-Bakrami. Ex-Zoonz!

34:27

But, you know, I'm still me, so

34:29

I still want friends. So, my next

34:33

birthday, my

34:38

parents were out of town, so I decided to have a party.

34:41

And I invited all of them. And

34:44

they actually showed up. And

34:46

it was really fun. I felt really

34:48

cool. And it

34:51

was really fun. And then afterwards, I

34:53

realized that they actually came over and

34:55

stole all of my shit. They

34:59

stole NFL Game Day on the PlayStation.

35:01

I still had

35:03

other PlayStation games, but I could no longer play

35:05

them because I didn't have any controllers anymore. And

35:08

those were expensive. It just came

35:10

out. And we also,

35:13

in our living room, had this

35:15

small little carafe of Scotch that

35:17

my dad has. And

35:20

that was empty the next morning.

35:22

And it was very prominently displayed in

35:24

the living room. You're hearing this

35:26

for the first time, dad. So,

35:39

I panicked. I

35:42

filled it with cooking oil because that was the closest

35:44

liquid color that

35:48

I could. And I was just

35:50

like, oh, God, I hope it's just sort of displayed. But

35:53

you never know.

35:55

Someone could be like, nah, drink it.

35:58

And that would have been him. I

36:01

begged my mom and I was just like,

36:03

please, like, help me out here.

36:05

So she actually went and bought me a

36:07

bottle of scotch to refill it and then

36:09

asked no questions about what happened to the

36:11

rest of the scotch. So,

36:15

yeah, yeah. So

36:19

briefly, you could have drank

36:21

cooking oil. I

36:24

cleaned it out. Simon

36:31

actually, the reaction to those

36:33

events, Simon's reaction was very different. Diary

36:38

of Simon McSimmons, 4th

36:41

of February, at 1741 hours. I

36:46

was a young boy once before

36:50

this utter catastrophe. I

36:54

don't have a plan anymore. The

36:57

closest thing I had was in theater and

36:59

even then I was a renegade, a social

37:03

renegade. You

37:05

are no longer my puppet

37:08

people. Now that

37:10

I have been cast into the street, for

37:12

I'm the puppeteer, the

37:14

man who cares not for his players, it's

37:17

over. A wisp

37:19

of a man when I could have been a

37:21

king. I have

37:24

nothing left exude.

37:33

It did suck pretty bad for both of us. I

37:39

sort of over time started

37:41

thinking about it and I actually wrote

37:43

something like as me and not Simon

37:46

and I hadn't really done that in a while. I

37:50

was scared of a lot of things. That

37:54

was Simon's kingdom with fear. That

37:57

was where he really came to power. And

38:00

I realized that you don't really need to

38:02

be that other person, like, if you're just

38:04

yourself. Dear

38:08

Diary, The past six months

38:10

have not been the happiest in my life. I'm

38:13

just not happy. As

38:15

hard as I try, I just can't be happy

38:17

by myself. Maybe

38:19

I have a God complex. Maybe

38:24

I can't be happy without a worshipper. I

38:28

fucking hate the Abercrombie guys. When

38:31

did it become so cool to be a fucking

38:33

moron? What

38:37

the fuck am I doing to myself? Maybe

38:39

the reason I'm fighting so hard is because I feel

38:41

like a failure. Looking

38:44

around, you know, really life

38:46

doesn't discourage me like I thought it would.

38:49

I'm actually more content right at this moment

38:51

than I have been. As long

38:53

as I have a nice quiet place to escape and

38:55

write. I just have to find

38:57

another cloud to jump to, and I think I might

38:59

be able to stay up on top this time. Exhumed.

39:09

That was Jason Oliver at a mortified event

39:11

in Austin from 2015. A

39:14

different version of that material appeared in episode

39:16

42. And this

39:18

concludes our round one matchup. Between

39:24

Mortified Austin and Mortified Portland. Who will be

39:26

crowned Most Mortified? That's where you come in.

39:29

Pledge your allegiance and cast a

39:31

vote today at getmortified.com/vote. Polls

39:35

close two weeks after this episode publishes,

39:38

so if you're listening to this in

39:40

a month or so, I don't

39:42

know. Just vote by shouting out a window

39:44

or something. We'll track the votes and announce

39:46

the cities that have progressed to the semifinals.

39:48

And please remember when voting, unlike the upcoming

39:50

presidential election, you can vote more than once.

39:55

Regardless, we do need you to vote because we're

39:57

counting on you. someone

40:00

unfortunately has to win. I know, I

40:02

know, we don't make the rules, but...

40:05

Actually, I think we do. That's

40:08

true. We do make the rules, but... Anyways,

40:12

we'll return in another installment of

40:14

Most Mortified Tournament in a future

40:16

episode. In the meantime, if

40:18

hearing these shows sounds fun, grab some

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friends and see it in person. We

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sponsor at radiotopia.fm. Our

40:40

podcast production team for this episode

40:43

includes Hadley Dion, myself, Dave Minkler,

40:45

and the one, the only... Neil

40:48

Katcher, that's me. This has

40:50

been a Mortified Media production for Radiotopia,

40:53

a network from PRX. Until next time,

40:55

we remind you... That we are freaks,

40:57

we are fragile. And we

40:59

also write.