0:00

Continue the conversation at

0:02

Danny morrell.com backslash or

0:04

weaken you. New.

0:07

York Times bestselling author Maf you

0:09

Hussey I got as your question.

0:12

In. Thirty seconds or less. Why should they

0:14

listen to this episode as they till. The

0:17

absolute end of it wow been

0:19

crushed should have, ah, well, I

0:21

I hope they'll hear something that

0:24

feels genuinely original one. Different.

0:26

The they can apply to. Their.

0:29

Love lives their confidence. You

0:31

know, I think that the Martin I

0:33

miss said the the worst thing anyone

0:35

can do in writing is a right

0:38

cliche. And I think that

0:40

I hope that in my work

0:42

that it's anything but cliche. and

0:44

if people stay. Though. Realize

0:46

it some. To. Zoe The

0:48

unexpected turn Or an unexpected idea that will

0:50

help people that they weren't find somewhere else.

0:53

And none of that. I love that. How

0:55

did you start in this work? What was

0:57

that moment that made you say like. This

1:00

is what I want to do. I.

1:02

Am. It's. Funny, I was very

1:04

young when I first or is about

1:06

eleven years old when I picked up

1:08

how to win friends and influence people

1:10

off of my dad's bookshelf. And.

1:13

I. And I got hooked on

1:15

this idea that you could. Learn.

1:18

How. To. Come. Across better.

1:21

Was. Like a big deal for me. I was

1:23

shy and introverted kid. So. The idea

1:25

that you could actually. Learn things that

1:28

would allow you to. Have more

1:30

impact in life was a revelation

1:32

for me. And. That

1:34

is kind of took me down a

1:37

self development rabbit hole a very young

1:39

age and I've friend of mine his

1:41

dad used to take his whole company

1:43

to Tony Robbins in England. Which

1:46

are Tony Robbins Used to come to

1:48

this big or a big event center

1:50

called the Excel Centre. In. London

1:52

huge place and used to pack

1:55

out like ten thousand people events

1:57

while. And. I.

2:00

It was the his dad. Said.

2:02

Look, you have to come. But.

2:04

You can bring a friend. And

2:06

I was that friend that he took along

2:09

with him. And that very

2:11

quickly kind of. I. Got

2:13

inspired on the new level because. All.

2:16

These books I was reading. Then

2:18

I was able to marry them with this.

2:21

Kind. of delivery on staged I

2:23

thought was. Extraordinary. I've

2:25

never seen. Any. Of

2:27

my teachers at school present like

2:29

that and. And it began

2:31

a paths and me as I didn't know what

2:33

I was gonna do. I

2:35

just knew. This feels exciting to

2:38

me. I'm learning I and I loved

2:40

what I was learning. I couldn't get

2:42

enough as it. And I'm.

2:45

And then in my early late

2:47

teens, early twenties, I

2:49

started working with people men actually

2:51

at the been the beginning, not

2:53

women. I. Started working with them

2:55

in helping them to come a lot

2:58

more confident in their love lives. I.

3:00

Noticed that when you first started a

3:02

caught this right away you said love,

3:04

life and confidence if like how for

3:07

you. Do. Both

3:09

of them like work together and.

3:12

And. And and and what about those

3:14

two words and those parts of our

3:16

lives? Cause. You to look

3:18

at them and working together. basically. Wealth.

3:23

There are so many things that we

3:25

do in our love life that. Are

3:28

a result of. Either. A

3:30

lack of self worth aura. Lack.

3:33

Of acceptance of ourselves.

3:36

An inability to overcome past patterns

3:38

or to even realize that we

3:41

have. Passed. Patterns that a.

3:43

Shaping. All of our decisions about

3:45

who we choose, who we invest time

3:47

in, And. So for me, you

3:50

just. I. Got to a point where

3:52

I realized. You can help people with.

3:54

Competence. But. You're

3:57

competence. Can only go

3:59

so far. If you confidence won't

4:01

rise to meet it you, you

4:03

won't. They like to. Eat

4:06

out. To ladders and you can't

4:08

a in a you can reach up

4:10

on competence. The. If your confidence

4:12

won't come up to meet it, then

4:14

you're going to keep finding yourself in

4:16

situations where you don't feel good enough.

4:19

You. Feel like you're going to get

4:21

sound out? You're. Pretending to be something

4:24

you're not. As. I

4:26

do like a very early in

4:28

my. Life as a

4:30

Coach. Or used to

4:33

say to women. Look. The

4:35

I if you think your old fashioned and that's why

4:37

you don't make the move. Then.

4:39

You're not old fashioned. Because Old

4:41

Fashioned is dropping the handkerchief in front of

4:43

a guy and then you keep walking and

4:45

the guy picks it up, brings over to

4:47

you and says madam, you dropped this. He.

4:50

Thinks it was his idea to approach

4:52

you. But. You chose him by

4:54

dropping the handkerchief. And. The

4:56

whole reason I. Started

4:58

talking about the idea was because

5:00

I wanted women to have more

5:02

choice. In. Their love lives. And

5:05

in my mind I was like if I can just get

5:07

them to drop the handkerchief more. I.

5:09

Know I can get the more choice in their

5:11

love lives and if they have more choice to

5:14

make better decisions. But.

5:16

The sing the I didn't account

5:18

for was. The. Confidence

5:20

aspect. That. Even if you

5:22

have more choice, If

5:24

you're still continuously drawn to the

5:27

wrong kinds of people, the wrong

5:29

kinds of behavior, then. Even.

5:31

With more options, you're still gravitate

5:34

towards people who disrespect to. Who.

5:36

Don't invest in new who treat

5:38

you poorly. Who. Take you

5:41

for granted. And you

5:43

weren't Think that. You'll.

5:45

Either same as normal cause that's your patton.

5:47

At Nina you you've does will you've

5:50

ever known We went see you're worthy

5:52

of more Are both so for me?

5:54

Confidence? Has to be a

5:56

huge part of the conversation because otherwise no

5:58

matter how many tools we have, they will

6:00

find ourselves. Consistently. Gravitating

6:03

towards the wrong people was in

6:05

the wrong behavior. The I get

6:07

that. Could you give me an

6:09

example of I'm. You. Know

6:11

maybe a typical example of how

6:13

a lack of confidence has us

6:15

stuck in the type of relationship

6:17

that we don't wanna be. Yes,

6:21

Well. Any

6:23

time. Someone

6:25

says i'm not ready or I don't

6:27

know if I want a relationship. But.

6:32

We. Keep going back to that person Anyway,

6:34

And The keep. Complaining that you

6:36

know? I just wish they were ready.

6:38

I wish they wanted something real with

6:41

me or that they would change. They

6:43

would change, right? And it's we're not.

6:45

We're We're. Prepared to. Talk.

6:48

About how much it's upsetting us. That.

6:50

We're not prepared to walk away. That

6:52

to me as were a lack of confidence shows

6:54

up and is a lack of trust that will

6:57

be able to find something new that will be

6:59

able to find something better or that the were

7:01

worthy of something better. And so

7:03

true. Matthew and Socialize I see all

7:05

the time in my relationship with Jen.

7:08

Like. I'm so

7:11

confident in who I am and

7:13

see so confident in who she

7:15

is. That we are not

7:17

together because have been need us

7:19

with together because we love each

7:21

other. Do you Do you think

7:23

that? confidence? Opens the door

7:25

way to real loves. And when I

7:27

mean by that is the you think

7:30

in your work that when you are

7:32

finally confident in who you are and

7:34

who you are not in what you

7:36

want and what you don't want him

7:38

what you'll accept them. What you won't

7:40

accept. Do you think that that been

7:43

choice is what could potentially actually open

7:45

you to. We. All Love vs

7:47

Been In a Relationship based off of.

7:50

A trial, a bond aura or subconscious

7:52

need that you don't realize a one

7:54

hundred percent. And I don't think. If.

7:56

You don't' You. Know

7:58

how many of us. The owner when

8:00

I was dating. For. A long

8:02

time I didn't really. I

8:06

wasn't really vulnerable. And

8:09

it was a big part of. that was

8:11

because the had accepted parts of myself. I.

8:15

I. Was still beating myself up. For.

8:18

Things in my life. I

8:20

was worried that there were parts of me. the war on

8:22

lovable. I was

8:24

worried that if I wasn't this saw

8:27

his character the I was playing. Which.

8:30

Wasn't entirely a character over parts of it that

8:32

were made, but it was like I was only

8:34

doing that. I wasn't doing anything

8:36

else, I was just being this one part of me.

8:39

And. You

8:41

know, I was afraid that if I saw

8:44

was something other than that then I wouldn't

8:46

be attractive or wouldn't be loved. And

8:49

so. Dot. Held me back because

8:51

he held me back from real connections. Be.

8:54

You know it is there were I

8:56

is not.i you know I was with

8:58

people that. Adored. Me Some of

9:00

the you know, like some of the people I was with

9:02

really adored me. but. They. Didn't

9:04

really silly know me because I

9:06

wasn't entirely myself and it wasn't

9:08

entirely vulnerable and they were pieces

9:11

of meat. I was held back.

9:14

And I didn't realize at the time I was holding

9:16

them back. If you lost me

9:18

at the time, I would have been like

9:20

I'm vulnerable one myself, whatever. But. I

9:23

didn't. You. Know I still feel like though

9:25

levels of me that I just was too afraid

9:27

to bring forward. And. I'm.

9:31

Onion in and you know I'd had it back

9:33

far as well. I'd I had a relationship. Where

9:35

I did I was. I said something. About

9:38

a shared an insecurity and one night.

9:41

And. It didn't go well like I

9:43

owe. It to this person said it

9:45

was really unattractive. And

9:47

it. Like. Really shook me down.

9:50

Because. In my mind

9:52

at that point I was like i'm never

9:54

doing that. Guess yeah Man says like. That.

9:57

I thought the roots of.

10:00

Like I thought I was. Gonna. Say

10:02

this and it was gonna me. I keep being told

10:04

this is a route the. Real connection

10:07

and it's my worst. Fear was

10:09

confirmed that if I say this

10:11

out loud. This. Person's gonna

10:13

think I am unattractive. And

10:16

I literally had those words said

10:18

to me. So. It. Really shut

10:20

me down for a minute. And

10:23

I can see how people take that with

10:25

them into their whole lives because if that

10:27

happens to enough the like. I

10:29

you know, screw this. I don't want to be

10:31

like this anymore. I don't wanna open myself up

10:34

to that kind of pain. So. It

10:36

it. I definitely think. The

10:38

confidence to truly except yourself

10:40

and. And. The

10:43

who you really are all of the parts

10:45

of yourself. Is what allows someone

10:47

to truly love you, but it's also opens

10:49

you up to a different level of rejection.

10:52

Pressure. Do you

10:54

think that part of that confidence? I just

10:56

find this. I find the so fascinating because

10:58

everything that you were saying resonate so chew

11:00

with me. I'm ultimately

11:02

like when I attract the

11:04

Jen. See. May become face

11:06

to face with like the deepest parts

11:08

of my confidence or lack thereof in

11:10

homes and the parts of me where

11:13

I thought I got it all figured

11:15

out of i'm confident Guy whatever the

11:17

case may be, there was still more.

11:19

It was so a lot more. And

11:21

that's. Something. The beauty and

11:23

in in in to relationship is

11:25

that it's that medicine that you

11:27

to think that you needed. I

11:29

think sometimes we we feel like

11:32

we're confident when we are operating

11:34

comfortably within our circle of competence.

11:36

You know this or is one

11:38

of the at one and things

11:40

I talk about in the new

11:42

book is that they're It's the

11:44

real levels of confidence Does the

11:46

surface level. The. Identity level and

11:48

the core. The surface

11:50

level is. The way we

11:52

walk, talk and act how we come across to

11:55

the rest of the world on the surface. The.

11:57

Identity level is.

12:00

All. The things that we. Kind

12:03

of. Base our

12:05

confidence on. Know

12:07

at the core the cause much much deeper. I'm

12:10

we can talk about that but at the identity

12:12

level. It's all the sources

12:14

of our confidence. so for some people

12:16

it's the house they live in. Is.

12:18

The factor: By play an instrument or they

12:21

speak two languages or they've achieved a lot

12:23

in their career or their well read or

12:25

the good looking or whatever it may be.

12:27

They have a big circle of friends. We.

12:30

All have different sources of confidence

12:32

and when those things are going

12:34

well for us, the areas we

12:36

arrived most of our confidence from.

12:39

It's. It gives. The illusion

12:42

of us being a very, very

12:44

confident person or all levels. Because.

12:48

And. We kind of have the wind al back. And

12:51

we still pretty good Like our you

12:53

know, our identity so strong. The.

12:56

Problem is when. Someone.

12:58

Asks you to operate. In

13:01

a. Another area, Like

13:03

someone else you know now

13:05

switch from this identity to

13:07

something else and. And.

13:10

To operate in an area where you

13:12

don't feel like you're. Naturally,

13:14

Good at it, or it's something that you go

13:16

up as a source of identity. And

13:18

and that's where a lot of us feel

13:21

like our confidence quickly falls apart because now.

13:23

We're. Off road. So. To speak

13:25

and here and now we don't. We.

13:27

Don't feel as sure footed in those

13:30

places. It's impossible for

13:32

you to have a successful relationship

13:34

with another human being or a

13:36

partner if you don't have a

13:38

successful relationship self and what we

13:40

as human beings don't realize is

13:43

that we are deeply connected. With.

13:47

Disconnected from mother Earth. Were disconnected

13:50

from peace with disconnected from loss

13:52

for we do it awake and

13:54

is weak. Sure, eight different exercises

13:56

to help you reconnect first to

13:58

yourselves. And then. The

14:00

beautiful prices and reconnect into every

14:03

body begins And that's why Awakened

14:05

so powerful you'll do more and

14:07

three days or awaken said you

14:10

would do thirty years anywhere else.

14:14

I. Was. So stuffed and now I

14:16

feel. Awakening has

14:18

them! The best thing we have. Done for

14:20

Americans. Coming here I realize that the

14:23

As his were inside of me all

14:25

the time. And on over

14:27

to Danny morrell.com Backslash a week

14:29

and now to get your tickets.

14:31

Today I remembered saw it as

14:33

the so you know you're You're

14:35

both from London remember. The. First

14:38

time I was going to London

14:40

to meet you know Chance family.

14:42

How. He no

14:44

I don't get very. You could put me in front of ten

14:47

thousand people. I don't get nervous. But. In

14:49

that little party in that gathering, I was nervous.

14:51

What do you think it was for you? Yeah.

14:54

I think number one. Culturally. You

14:56

know, coach really was like a big difference for

14:59

me. Where you know, I'm. You.

15:01

Know I'm I talk a lot about this,

15:03

but especially here in the Us. in the

15:05

Uk. I don't feel this to be this

15:08

way, but. Because. It's it's. like

15:10

a hotbed for so many different people, but.

15:12

In the U S. As you're growing up, especially

15:15

like I grew up in and and poverty,

15:17

we didn't have anything. So you're

15:19

always made to feel like because

15:21

you're a different color skin that

15:23

you are a minority here you

15:26

know. And. So that was so

15:28

deeply ingrained in me. That

15:30

you know it's so true what you. Say

15:32

I always only dated like

15:34

in that. Minority Group or at it

15:36

yet? But to the just, it's where I

15:38

felt comfortable and know of a sudden I

15:40

mean Hershey something completely. Different from a different part

15:43

of the world. And. I got a fly over

15:45

there are not going to meet her family. Like.

15:47

It was like it was way out of

15:49

my comfort zone is, you know, and. And

15:52

and I meditated on the ground, In and.

15:54

You. Know obviously is so true. What you're

15:56

saying is I'm. A pretty comforting guy,

15:58

but that for. He was. Hit.

16:01

That was something underneath that it wasn't aware

16:03

of you in a fair. Idea.

16:06

It's pretty crazy. It is.

16:08

And it's it's. It's. It's.

16:11

A kind of. If.

16:14

I. I I think the more we can

16:16

be a person who continues to be willing.

16:19

To. Step Into Those rooms. That.

16:22

Makes us feel that way and that

16:24

make us feel uncomfortable the more. What

16:27

we think of as home.

16:29

Just expands. You know

16:31

I I'd try to look at life that way.

16:33

You know I. I. I

16:35

went to a couple years ago and twenty

16:37

nineteen I think it was. Namibia's

16:40

early twenty twenty. I went to.

16:43

Do this retreat with Wim Hof and

16:45

a group of guys. How In Poland?

16:47

And. Do cold exposure therapy?

16:51

In them hi of winter. And. I

16:53

never. Associated with been good with

16:55

the cold like that wasn't. Part.

16:58

Of my identity was and I'm really good

17:00

when it comes to cold weather or. If.

17:02

Anything. it was the opposite. Like

17:05

I had circulation issues, my fingers

17:07

would go yellow. When. I was

17:09

like in the cold for too long I

17:11

was remember that has school like it just

17:13

I hated it. And. I

17:15

got invited. I was in a difficult period of

17:17

my life and I got invited by friend of

17:19

mine to go and do this. Exclusive

17:22

experience. And.

17:25

And was at the one would lose house yes

17:27

I remember seeing that so or recent. one of

17:29

the wow that's that's a good group of guys

17:31

are attacked us right? I was a servers in

17:33

that other. that's awesome a lot by the way.

17:35

that group of guys was. In

17:38

itself, intimidating I I can. and

17:40

yep, Nuggets as it was just

17:42

as like a group of super

17:44

athletes and endurance runners and an

17:46

Olympic gold medalist and an Nfl

17:48

football winning you know, champion. And

17:50

it was like. Just. These

17:52

freaks. And. Then you know

17:54

I'm going with that group to

17:56

Poland in Ohio is hop on.

17:58

Hold on to. The Of It. So now

18:01

I'm I'm in this crazy peer group. And.

18:04

I'm going to be doing these you

18:06

know, jumping off as plus into frozen

18:08

lakes and. Tracking. Up a

18:10

mountain, shirtless in the snow's a four

18:12

hours and during ten minute ice baths.

18:15

and like all this stuff that. It.

18:18

Freaked me out and I remembered

18:20

texting my friend Louis to be

18:22

like. I am. I

18:24

texted like a day before. Because.

18:26

I hadn't really researched it, he just invited me

18:29

and I was in a tough moment. Was.

18:31

Like already, I was going through a hard time in

18:33

life and I felt like I needed something. Sounds.

18:36

Like crook kind of feeling a little crazy

18:38

and when yell com without even thinking about

18:40

it. and then I looked it up. In

18:43

the day before as like lose our know. How

18:47

such as seen what this is

18:49

something that is that this isn't

18:51

look so his life worth of

18:53

and. And. I ended up the he

18:55

was like okay let me no one ever knows I.

18:59

Don't be a little bit louder. Gonna go like

19:01

I had to do this. As you know and

19:03

and I win. And. Ah sold

19:06

thing from start to finish was. Nothing

19:09

about it really. Lend

19:12

itself to woods areas

19:14

of my identity confidence.

19:17

The. I already felt really good in.

19:19

you know, like. I.

19:21

Other than just grit, I

19:23

knew I had grit. The. Outside

19:25

of that, I was like. None

19:27

of this fills with is it within my

19:29

area of competence and. And

19:32

I might my friend Tom Rinaldi who's actually

19:34

the same with the she she's published this

19:37

book. She's a longtime friend that she wrote

19:39

a book of her own. Code.

19:41

Is great to suck at something. And

19:45

that's agree. Title to great

19:47

title. And this particular book

19:49

basically talks all about what

19:51

the merits of doing things.

19:54

That. Were not good at or don't even

19:56

know that will ever be good at. Like

19:59

you know is easy to do something if you think you're

20:01

already. Mike: If you think I'm going to be good at

20:03

this, Or. Do something where

20:05

you feel like. I could get

20:07

better at this. like if I keep going I'm going

20:09

to get really gets but sometimes when we just all

20:11

bad at. Something like. it's like if you. Can't.

20:14

Sing. Like. That.

20:16

You just do it anyway.

20:18

That takes guts. To

20:21

know it's not like I'm gonna

20:23

get. Greedy good. It's just

20:25

no one's gonna do it. Knowing

20:27

the i suck right? And.

20:30

Sit in the feelings that creates and

20:32

be okay with it. And learn

20:34

to play in that space. And.

20:38

I really went into that. same. With that in

20:40

mind, I was like you know what this is,

20:42

This is good for me. This isn't about going

20:44

on being fasting class. At. In

20:46

this code retreat and Poland this is about

20:48

just going and being the guy who's prepared

20:51

to do something he's not good at. His

20:53

most of us including myself spend most of our

20:55

lives doing things we know will be good at.

20:59

And. And so we feel so deeply

21:01

uncomfortable being pulled. Into.

21:03

Something else and I've tried

21:05

to really. As much

21:07

as I can make a habit of just

21:10

being okay. In these new spaces

21:12

and in the more we can do that the

21:14

more is like. We expand

21:16

our definition of home. Since.

21:18

The Me now. When I

21:20

go to someone's house. At

21:22

and Net zero they've got cold plunge in

21:24

the back garden. Is like fun

21:26

for me. I'm like oh let's play that

21:28

has i you know I'm a been there

21:30

done that I get it like as place

21:32

for me now and. Of those,

21:34

a time where it's viscerally would have made

21:37

me. Scared. So.

21:39

That's. That to me is

21:41

one of the great joys of lies. The I

21:43

think it's encouraging people. To

21:46

create like I'd I'd in the

21:48

book have this whole exercise where

21:50

I draw with people of why

21:52

corn, identity matrix. And

21:55

inside.matrix. You. Put

21:57

all of the squares like a big box and

21:59

inside you have. Some all the smaller

22:01

boxes like a tic tac toe box. That.

22:03

Has all of these different sources of confidence?

22:06

And I get people to draw what there's would

22:09

look like, and I it as a fun exercise,

22:11

I show people what mine looks like a twenty.

22:13

That. Is what mine looks like now. and

22:15

how the composition of where I get my

22:18

confidence from has changed? Quite dramatic. clayton. I'm.

22:21

The. One of

22:23

the things is often very, very apparent

22:25

when people do this exercise. Is

22:28

that there is a. One or

22:30

two very dominant squares

22:32

within their matrix. That.

22:35

Most of their confidence comes from. And.

22:39

It becomes quite dangerous.

22:42

Because. When you're if for example

22:44

is that big square for someone is their

22:46

work. And. Work

22:48

has gone m something happens to that

22:50

part of their lives in are in

22:53

trouble a business starts to can slap

22:55

all this. Then. All of

22:57

a sudden it's not just my business

22:59

is hurting right now is. My

23:01

whole identity is coming into question

23:04

here and so this whole exercise

23:06

United States people wherever you got

23:08

validated for me a your validation

23:11

become your mutations. And

23:13

if you're not careful, your mutations become

23:15

what started as your greatest source of

23:17

strength, becomes your greatest vulnerability. So.

23:19

We have to be prepared to diversify

23:22

our matrix. And. Create new squares.

23:25

The. Only way to create new squares.

23:27

Is. To invest in boxes that right now

23:30

don't really give you a sense of significance

23:32

or identity. I get that because you haven't

23:34

By definition they're not giving it to you

23:36

now because you haven't invested in them, and

23:38

you haven't invested in them because you probably

23:41

don't feel as com and as confident or

23:43

as comfortable there. And the

23:45

way this or I love this in

23:47

the with is all ties back into

23:50

relationships is the more confident and comfortable

23:52

that using get in all of these

23:54

squares which is essentially yourself the less

23:57

likely you are to be in a

23:59

relationship. Where you are not been seen. For.

24:02

Not being heard your your needs

24:04

are not been mad or you

24:06

constantly waiting for that person to.

24:08

Authenticate. In all your feelings. but

24:10

I think the danger is that. If.

24:13

You don't have the squares in place

24:15

in your life. Already. Then

24:18

someone comes in and they in instantly

24:21

become the person you fall for. Instantly.

24:24

The Com: The giant square in your

24:26

matrix. Ah, got it. And. Now

24:29

that your. It

24:31

you are. You know most of your

24:33

confidence on the identity level. Is

24:36

coming from this relationship? Is coming

24:38

from this person? Now we're talking here

24:40

and now. You can't

24:42

be yourself in that relationship because you

24:45

to the stakes are so impossibly high

24:47

for you guys And not lose this

24:49

person. So. I'll do anything

24:52

to keep them. And. If you do

24:54

anything to keep someone. Then

24:56

you're already beginning the process of becoming

24:58

less yourself. You stop

25:00

having boundaries. You stop. In

25:02

are asking for what you really want

25:04

or need. You stop expressing yourself. You

25:06

start trying to chameleon eyes yourself to

25:08

wherever they. You think is gonna

25:10

make them happy or impress them? All.

25:13

Because. You. Feel like you can't

25:15

afford to lose them? Because. You

25:17

haven't. Got strong sources

25:20

of identity outside of the

25:22

relationship. Now let we

25:24

all get heartbroken and hurt when

25:26

I'm important Square. Now Matrix gets

25:28

taken away. But. Whether

25:31

that loss is a.

25:34

Something that you can weather. Or.

25:36

Whether is catastrophic. Depends.

25:38

On how strong the rest of your

25:40

matrix is. An. And.

25:43

So. You. Know we all one

25:45

of those instincts a lot of his have in

25:47

is a very human thing. But. One

25:49

of the instincts a lot of his has who

25:51

have when we really like someone is. Nothing.

25:55

Else in my life matters now. Like

25:58

this is all that matters and we put. The

26:00

ourselves into this person. But.

26:03

Then. Because. We've done that.

26:05

We start losing all of the sources

26:08

of our identity elsewhere. And

26:10

when we do that, All. Of a

26:12

sudden when I like why can't lose this person

26:14

because I now don't really have anything else I

26:16

base my identity on. So. Them

26:18

were back in. You can't have an

26:21

authentic connection or real love. Because.

26:23

You're just being whatever you think that person needs

26:25

you to be. In. Order to make

26:28

them happy You're no longer really expressing yourself.

26:30

It's. One of the great kind of paradox is

26:33

is that. Actually, Eat.

26:35

Eat! The best way to make an

26:38

amazing relationship is to know that you

26:40

can survive outside of it is to

26:42

make an amazing you yeah yeah another

26:44

and love that one Look Promises of

26:46

the Book is how to raise your

26:48

standards. And. The second

26:50

one is find your person. Taught.

26:53

Me about that. Well. The.

26:57

This. Again,

27:02

We are so used to saying. How

27:04

do I get this person to like me? But.

27:08

How do y. One

27:11

of the great ways to be

27:13

attractive to someone is to have

27:15

standards. Because people didn't

27:17

realize. What we have

27:19

to offer. Isn't.

27:22

Free. There. Was an

27:24

entry press. To that. And.

27:27

Too many of us when we like

27:29

someone, specially if we've been single for

27:31

a long time or with struggled to

27:34

meet someone. And. We

27:36

think nothing better is gonna come along when

27:38

we like someone. We. Just

27:40

go into the motors What? I'll do anything to

27:42

keep them or to see them or to you

27:44

know I'll go to their part of town if

27:47

they keep our invite me over to their house

27:49

I'll just keep going even though it's a half

27:51

hour drive for me and they never come to

27:53

my side of town or the person didn't message

27:55

me first five days since the last day and

27:58

that gonna hurt my feelings and I. Wanted.

28:00

To hear from them. But in a message me

28:02

a day later on Saturday and say what's going on, what

28:05

you're up to today and all of us and my doomed.

28:07

Because. I'm excited that they reached out to me!

28:10

This is what not having standards looks

28:12

like. In In it feels

28:14

to us like not having standards is almost

28:16

like a. Short. Cut to

28:19

proximity. the if I just don't make

28:21

waves. And. If I can just

28:23

keep getting close to this person then. They'll

28:25

start getting really attached. And they'll

28:28

see my value and I'll become indispensable

28:30

to them. And then all of a

28:32

sudden. I'll. Have this amazing

28:34

thing with them and know, Commit And

28:36

Know. Start. Really? Investing

28:38

and. It's. It.

28:41

Said. It's a trap. Because.

28:44

Someone. Seeing that we have standards

28:46

around the time that we gave the

28:48

energy we gave, the intimacy we gave.

28:52

That's part of what makes

28:54

someone see us as valuable.

28:57

What's. It's make someone see as someone

28:59

who they have to actually invest in.

29:02

says. A very counterintuitive thing I'm why talk

29:04

about in the Book is. What

29:06

does it actually looked like? To

29:09

have standards. How do you.

29:11

Actually express your standards. And

29:14

one of the biggest ways we express our standards is

29:16

through. Been. Willing to

29:19

have hard conversations. You.

29:21

Have to be willing at the

29:23

moment that you something happens that

29:25

you don't like or appreciate. You.

29:28

Have to be willing. To. Actually, talk about

29:30

it. To express

29:32

that most people don't because they're

29:34

either afraid they don't know how

29:36

to express things, they're gonna say

29:38

it wrong. They. Don't like

29:40

confrontation. Or if I actually

29:43

asked for why I need. Is.

29:45

Gonna scare this person away. so we're right

29:47

back to the same problem. so I'm gonna.

29:49

I'm more worried about scaring someone a way.

29:52

That. I am about getting the thing I actually

29:55

want. Which. Is. A. Happy,

29:57

peaceful relationship of equals.

30:01

So he to listen to my

30:03

podcast. You know I'm a strong

30:05

believer and proponent of plant medicines

30:07

ability to weaken your mind, body

30:09

and soul. And. Many of

30:11

you have asked me where I recommend

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Earth I would ever recommend is Reunion.

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It's a not for profit Healy Center

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with over thirty years of experience in

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30:51

G. Insult

30:53

sinking of all of this

30:56

and combining. The. Conference

30:58

aspect which I can totally

31:00

relate. The. Standards

31:03

aspect which I can totally relate

31:05

to as well. How

31:07

does wire? In a I

31:09

know how I describe it. I know how

31:11

I teach of but how does one go

31:13

about finding their person? We.

31:22

Have to start by it. says.

31:25

understanding. What

31:27

hasn't worked for us in the past.

31:30

So. Everyone is had relationships

31:32

where they really wanted someone.

31:35

They were really into someone, but there

31:37

was something fundamental they weren't getting from

31:39

that person. So. Let's

31:41

say. In your last relationship,

31:43

what you didn't have was someone who

31:46

really. Was honest.

31:49

Or. They weren't lawyer or or they

31:51

didn't have you back or they didn't

31:53

ever make you feel, scene or empathize

31:55

with you. Or. They

31:58

would ever present in a barely. The

32:00

saw them. We.

32:02

Have to look back at those relationships and say what

32:04

was the thing that was missing That made it. Impossible.

32:07

For me to be happy, even if I was desperately

32:09

clinging on to it because I wanted it so badly.

32:12

What was missing? That made it impossible for me

32:14

to be happy. And let's

32:17

say what was missing was someone who

32:19

actually. Cared about the

32:21

relationship on the level that you did when. They.

32:24

Were willing to show up Or they were willing

32:26

to be consistent or. They. Were willing

32:28

to. Invest.

32:30

In you. You

32:32

have to decide right now that no relationship

32:34

ever again is gonna be worth it. no

32:36

matter how sexy someone is, The matter how.

32:39

You know much. I think they're impressive,

32:42

a charismatic or I liked their lifestyle

32:44

or whatever is. No one

32:46

could be so impressive that it makes you

32:48

forget that when you didn't have that saying.

32:51

Your. Life was miserable. Because.

32:53

When you know that. Now.

32:55

No one has any power over you because. You.

32:58

Make that your first kind of standard

33:00

is I have to have this. On.

33:02

Nothing else matters there. So.

33:05

That gives you a standard on the way

33:07

in to any new situation and it what

33:09

we what it will mean as you don't

33:11

get side. You. Know

33:13

he can I can his his place now I'm

33:15

thinking he did. This is so into I love

33:18

the with are you articulate things right with as

33:20

is just helping me to. On

33:22

a granular level, understand like

33:24

relationships which is really beautiful.

33:27

But. The seeing that I didn't

33:30

have in my last relationship as

33:32

you're bringing this up, was the

33:34

ability to communicate. Ah

33:36

ah, But accept responsibility

33:39

and and sign peace

33:41

after an argument. And

33:44

so sorry Member As I was looking for

33:46

my next relationship, I thought not it. In

33:48

my mind I thought, no matter what, I.

33:51

Want peace? And once the

33:54

ability, right? Things. Are gonna happen.

33:56

I. Want the ability to get back

33:58

into. Peace. We're. Both of

34:01

us can see and acknowledged. The parts

34:03

in the Rose that we place. And if

34:05

I don't have that, I. Don't want

34:07

anything And it's literally exactly. What?

34:10

You're saying right now And. The.

34:12

Testimony is that is exactly what I

34:14

have now. So. There's some real truth

34:16

to this, thank you for sharing this of

34:18

cool thanks for being vulnerable and having that

34:20

example because. It's. Powerful Because What?

34:22

it? Cause. I look like

34:25

attractive people can come along. the like

34:27

really attractive people. People. Who. Likes.

34:29

Threatened to distract you from that truth.

34:32

And. You always have to keep that truth

34:34

in your mind because that's the thing that makes you

34:36

got. No One. No one

34:39

can be attractive enough that it

34:41

distracts me from that. Are

34:43

you after is why you have to keep a very

34:45

strong memory of that. In. Your mind

34:48

and how unhappy at major. Because.

34:50

It can make you realize, oh that robbed

34:52

me of my peace. In. A

34:54

way that made it impossible for me to be happy.

34:57

In that situation so tight this

34:59

is this becomes something that. Is

35:01

just a price of entry for

35:04

any situation. A So so

35:06

that knowledge is really powerful. Then

35:08

it's. Finding. A person becomes

35:10

okay. Am I.

35:13

A By the way I let me just say discuss. What

35:15

that allows you to do is say no to

35:17

the wrong people foster. And this

35:20

his son of a song through is a bottle was

35:22

delayed. A way of looking at finding your person that.

35:24

A. Big. A big way

35:27

as a key step to finding

35:29

a person foster is saying no

35:31

to the wrong people quicker. So

35:34

when you doing that, you're already putting yourself

35:36

on a kind of fast track. It feels

35:39

like you're going slower. Because

35:41

what you don't have when you date someone who's not

35:43

quite right or they'd make you unhappy but you still

35:45

a day in someone you have a story to tell

35:47

everyone about how there's something going on in your love

35:50

life. But. When you say no to

35:52

that person cause it feels wrong. You

35:56

don't have a story to tell about your love life. some

35:58

as as how's it going You go, I'm I'm. There's

36:00

there's No one in my life right now. It.

36:02

Feels like you're going slower, but you're going

36:04

faster. You just not burning

36:07

all of this time and energy a strain

36:09

on the wrong people. Sudan.

36:11

You have to be taking. Opportunities like

36:13

actually putting yourself in environments where

36:15

things can happen and that's just.

36:18

Similar basic stuff as putting

36:20

yourself. In. Rooms community

36:22

is or. Online dating

36:24

doesn't matter where. Were.

36:27

You can actually meet people. But.

36:30

Starting. To. Tune.

36:32

In to the kind of energy you really

36:34

want in your life. Like what?

36:36

is? What? Do I

36:38

actually want now? I got sent

36:40

me. The big difference with my

36:42

wife Audrey was. I sell

36:44

at home. Like. I say

36:47

I couldn't really. I've made me

36:49

more of myself. And

36:51

that to me was like I

36:53

felt like. It was. Almost

36:55

easy to ignore, because in a very beginning.

36:59

It. There were elements. There

37:01

were elements of Audrey the didn't feel like.

37:04

You know, home to me for a long time. Felt.

37:07

Like. Ah, Yau.

37:11

Chaos. Or it felt like. A

37:14

fish polls are so or. Something.

37:16

Else you know. And. My

37:19

wiring was trying to set up for

37:21

that frenetic. Energy in my

37:23

love life. Nice guy. I dated like

37:25

a drug addict you know and just.

37:28

Chasing. A High chasing

37:30

a feeling, chasing A and.

37:33

That. In. Or I

37:35

remember when it felt more peaceful.

37:38

It didn't. Connect with

37:40

me and my So and with you. Yeah, you know

37:42

and I think that's true for a lot of people

37:44

as we can. We. Can not.

37:47

We chased the wrong thing over and over again.

37:49

As for it, and we don't know what the

37:51

right thing feels like. On when the right thing

37:54

comes along, it feels strange. says.

37:56

Law alien to as low.

37:59

disconcerting. The summit can even so

38:01

boring though. He were like

38:03

oh this isn't love. This isn't

38:05

chemistry. This isn't the right. People.

38:08

Don't diss hard for people to identify

38:10

it. But. That

38:12

that's why I think of when if you're trying

38:14

to find your person one of the big. Words

38:17

to I'm in Love with his curiosity.

38:21

It's. You. Right

38:23

now, you don't' we. We have our experience

38:25

that we've lived our entire life and probably

38:27

played out many times. And.

38:30

It's hard to believe that something else could exist

38:32

for us. To. There's

38:34

another way of being. And

38:37

I don't I'm not a big believer

38:39

in. In. A Just believe in

38:41

something new Because I don't think I.

38:43

I certainly don't have the capability of

38:45

just believing in something new. My beliefs.

38:48

Tend. To be found it on reference points. I

38:50

need to have an experience. The. Gives

38:52

me a like a new reality or

38:54

new way of experiencing the world and

38:56

that then makes me go. Oh.

38:58

My. God. there's another way of being than the way

39:01

I've been in my whole life. But.

39:03

In order to get new experience,

39:05

you have to be curious about

39:08

some things outside of your own

39:10

experience. And I would look

39:12

for. It. In my

39:14

life, one of the ways I built new

39:16

beliefs is looking for experiences that are outside

39:18

of my normal experience. And

39:20

sitting in them for a little bit

39:22

like a friend of mine she she

39:24

was dating a guy right after a

39:27

guy that tree it had poorly. really

39:29

really poorly. And she started dating

39:31

a guy. Who treat

39:33

a nice like was a

39:36

plane man. Funny like attractive

39:38

but really like simple. Was.

39:41

In complicated. And

39:43

she went home and she said her mom asked

39:45

her how it was going. On

39:47

she said it's so strange Mom he's. He's

39:50

so nice to me. And

39:52

I'm I'm said test how it's

39:54

supposed to be ssssss. And.

39:58

She. Was. What? Gray about

40:00

her. She's She sat with that for

40:02

long enough. That I

40:04

nervous system calm down Yeah She began

40:07

to realize like oh this is. Where.

40:09

It's really yeah. But

40:12

sometimes. We have to get through that

40:14

period where it doesn't. Feel.

40:16

Like what we know. This.

40:19

Or we can realize this is where it's really

40:21

at is like give you know what is like

40:23

is like getting a. Site.

40:26

Trying to get at someone who's. Just.

40:29

Com Os of Drugs. To. Appreciate

40:31

a sunset. But.

40:35

If you, if you've been on drugs every day

40:37

for you the last four years of your life.

40:41

And then on the day you quit, someone sits

40:43

you in front of a sunset. And

40:45

says appreciate that They are. Yeah, breathe,

40:47

take it all in. The

40:49

present like will be twitching we talking

40:52

about is that most boring thing I've

40:54

seen like this. The lead citing about

40:56

this because the. Chemistry.

40:59

That the a nervous system

41:01

is wired for that spy.

41:04

And. Obviously they used to those corresponding lows,

41:06

but then when they get that high,

41:08

sales. Taxes that

41:10

living. Now a

41:13

Sunsets Amazing. Or.

41:15

Inspiring. Majestic when you really connect

41:17

to a sunset and you sit

41:19

there in your present when you

41:21

go. Oh My. God. They're. Seem.

41:23

Credible. But. It's

41:25

not cocaine a set up that.

41:29

Is not arrow in his life? You

41:31

know is not. Endear May is

41:33

like it's a sunset. It's

41:35

a different ceiling. Much

41:38

more valuable. But.

41:41

Not the same. And.

41:44

If you're trying to like in the beginning

41:46

the I think the big things like people

41:48

want a sunset to see or like. The.

41:51

Drug. And they

41:53

so t it like if it doesn't it's like why should

41:55

go back to that thing as I. Know.

41:57

It's it's a different ceiling, but if

42:00

you learn to exist in that feeling.

42:03

Your life's gonna be. So.

42:05

Much better than you can start to

42:07

relish. The. More subtle,

42:09

that far more profound. Connection.

42:12

And enjoyment. And. Happiness that's

42:14

gonna come from this other experience and

42:16

and I think that this is something

42:19

very analogous to relationships. So.

42:21

People there. Is I think a

42:23

lot of people have been used to the high

42:25

as and the lows. And the

42:27

to the you know. All.

42:30

The the emotions and spikes that come

42:32

with that. The things that a lot

42:34

of people call passion. Or.

42:36

Chemistry. And it. It.

42:39

Takes. I'm. Nervous

42:41

system calming down and actually getting.

42:44

Kind of addicted to a new. To.

42:46

A new kind of ceiling for

42:48

sure, but that takes. Takes

42:51

time and it takes. A

42:53

little bravery to to give up the odd thing

42:55

and to say I'm gonna. Find.

42:57

Something better. And I think one of

42:59

the ways we do that. Is. We have to

43:01

look around the other people. Who

43:03

have sound different kinds of relationships than

43:06

maybe the ones were engaged in? And

43:09

just get curious why. He.

43:11

I used to. Be at

43:13

the in not like to a terrible

43:15

degree by used to like suffer from

43:17

jealousy a little bit In are like

43:19

group or member times in my life

43:21

where feeling jealous just really couldn't ruin

43:23

my day. And.

43:26

Arm. I. Remember I have a couple

43:28

of people I know. one of my one of

43:30

my cousin. He

43:33

and his wife have an

43:35

amazing relationship enviable relationship to

43:37

so beautiful, so connected, so

43:39

in love, so peaceful, And

43:42

they would never get jealous. Not.

43:45

Really like know in any real meaningful way.

43:48

And. Whenever I saw someone

43:50

that was achieving that kind of

43:52

like oh there there. They.

43:55

Get they don't. Get jealous the

43:57

way I am or they don't. Get. This.

43:59

The way. Whatever it was can apply to

44:01

everything. I would ask

44:04

dumb questions. I'd. Be

44:06

like so why don't you get jealous like? what?

44:08

What is that? I'm

44:10

what about this situation? If this happened in

44:12

I'd by trying come up with a scenario

44:14

that would make me jealous. With

44:16

this happened, what how would you react to that? Well.

44:19

I guess I would think this and I would ask them

44:21

this, know it and I'd be like. Oh. They

44:24

go where I don't lest. They.

44:26

You're right, They go right. And.

44:29

And. I would realize. This is

44:31

a relationship to I think is an amazing

44:33

relationship. It's not like I'm listening to people

44:35

whose opinions I don't respect. This.

44:38

They have an amazing relationship. So.

44:42

So. There's something for me to

44:44

get from this. And then when I realized. Where

44:47

our minds departed. I.

44:49

Would realize when my pain was coming from

44:51

and why I was producing one result. And

44:54

they were producing and result. The.curiosity.

44:58

Was. Sent me like one of

45:00

my greatest assets and. You

45:03

know I think is what this while I'm getting a in this

45:05

book is that. We. Have people wiring

45:07

the is derailing, Has. Been

45:09

making it hard for us to find out person.

45:12

And when we understand those deeper reasons

45:14

which this book is designed to be

45:16

a copilot. See. Helping helping you

45:18

figure those things out. All

45:20

of a sudden does doesn't matter what results you've

45:22

got so far in your love life. A.

45:24

Whole other reality becomes possible.

45:27

Because. You realize your past. Doesn't have

45:29

to equal your future in this area. Your.

45:32

Past is just a reflection of a

45:34

certain psycho, a certain patton, A certain

45:36

way. you're wired right now. That

45:38

you really can break free from.

45:41

And when you do it. Site. At so

45:43

much becomes available to you, it's like

45:45

seeing a thousand different realities you can

45:48

choose from. And. Your

45:50

reality he has been in that you told yourself

45:52

was lice. Wasn't. Like it

45:54

was just. You're very specific

45:56

reality which by the way deserves

45:59

compassion from you because it's not

46:01

your fault that that your reality.

46:03

I. Really believe that you know you been Three

46:05

things. You've experienced things and they've made it

46:07

really hard for you to have a different

46:09

reality. That. We. Can

46:12

challenge that any age and find a

46:14

different kind of loves. Than we've ever

46:16

had before. Absolutely Weekend. And.

46:19

That is available to all of us. Yeah,

46:21

I. Love that! Hundred people.

46:24

Get. Your book. Desert.

46:26

I'm is available everywhere any bookstore

46:28

or Amazon am. but we have

46:30

a cool thing that we're doing

46:32

right now. for anyone who goes

46:34

to Love Life book.com. You. Can

46:36

both order it there for many of those links?

46:38

The has all Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and everything.

46:41

But. When you do come back to grab

46:43

your confirmation number from your order, wherever

46:45

you got it from and come back

46:47

to that page Love Life but.com. Because.

46:50

On them. Source of May I'm

46:52

doing allies virtual event could

46:54

find your person. And.

46:56

It's just a book by as there's no

46:58

you know you can't buy a ticket to

47:00

this event. It's literally only

47:02

happening once, and it's only available to

47:04

everyone who buys a book. And.

47:06

That event is a beautiful. Accompaniment

47:09

to the Book Because you read the book

47:11

and learn about your cells and. Ah,

47:13

how to find love and ah and

47:15

raise your standards and be happy on

47:18

the path Next, You can't define your

47:20

happiness until you find love. But.

47:23

When. You come when you combine it with that. then

47:25

it also have me life coaching you at this event

47:27

which is gonna be a really really fun time and.

47:30

I'm I'm super excited! So all

47:32

of that his love Life book.com

47:34

Another. Banking. Regulations because I

47:36

think this is gonna be one of i'm

47:39

excited man. thanks for having me! I really

47:41

really appreciate it as remain years. Yeah, That's.

47:43

It for this week's episode of the Higher Self.

47:45

I would highly recommend as much as modify for

47:47

all of you in a week. A new. We.

47:50

Will make this. Will.

47:52

Make this the bottom. The months in March

47:55

things apart me in April. And

47:57

I recommend Ozzy. Get it? Because I can. I

47:59

can just. Save for myself. Listening

48:01

to you. You. Have a way

48:03

of explaining things that I think is

48:05

going to unlock a lot of. You.

48:08

Know hidden secrets in a lot of shadows

48:10

and people's life that will help them find.

48:13

Themselves. One step closer to to love

48:15

segment Any yeah they get for being

48:17

you. We'll. See you next week on the yourself.