0:00

I V M. Hello

0:10

and welcome to the habit coach podcast. I'm Ashutin

0:12

doctor, your habit coach. And today we have a

0:15

very exciting episode. We're going to be talking to

0:17

someone who's probably lived like a million lives already.

0:20

And we're going to be understanding what her journey

0:22

has been like. And I think there are lots of

0:24

little, little things that we can learn from this. So

0:27

join me in welcoming Chandrika Ravi to the habit

0:29

coach podcast. Thank you so much for

0:31

having me and hello everyone. Thank you for

0:33

also having me in your spaces. My

0:36

pleasure. This is your first podcast. I'm super happy you're doing this

0:38

with us. And I'm grateful that it's this,

0:40

you know, it's something that is for the

0:42

betterment of people. That is the most important

0:44

thing. Yeah. On the habit coach podcast, you believe

0:47

that you have to learn something from everybody. Absolutely.

0:49

Just like you're saying from my story, you can

0:51

probably pick up a few things. Yeah.

0:53

I always say that, you know, I,

0:55

I might not have all the answers, but I have

0:57

stories. And if my stories can help you out, then

1:00

my, my purpose on earth as a,

1:02

especially as a Hindu, my purpose is

1:05

done. For this life. For this

1:07

life. For this birth. So,

1:10

Chandrika, tell us a little bit about your life. So like,

1:13

what has happened up till now? So

1:15

basically I was born in Australia

1:17

to Tamil Malayali parents from Singapore.

1:20

So I'm a third generation Indian.

1:23

Grew up. My life was the

1:25

arts. I started. So wait, Australia,

1:28

Singapore, and Kerala, Chennai. So like,

1:30

that's a complete kitchen. I

1:32

call myself a fruit salad. I literally say I'm a fruit

1:34

salad. When people are like, what are you? I'm like, I'm

1:37

a fruit salad. So those

1:39

different upbringings already

1:42

gave me a very, very different

1:44

narrative, you know, from my birth. It was

1:47

already a different narrative. I also

1:49

have two extremely, extremely incredible

1:53

parents that perhaps from

1:55

where disciples of Swami Shanti Ananda.

2:00

he had always taught us everything in moderation,

2:02

you know, the adaptor just accommodates. And

2:04

my parents applied that to their daughters, you know, where

2:06

it was like, okay, you can wear a bikini one

2:08

day, you can wear a sari tomorrow, so that doesn't

2:10

make you any less of a human being, it's what's

2:13

inside that matters. So from a

2:15

young age, my whole life

2:17

was dedicated to the arts. My mom

2:19

and dad said that, you know, when I was in my

2:21

mom's stomach, I used to kick on beat

2:23

to like, to budget and stuff.

2:26

So I literally came out of the womb like a

2:28

performer. I used to stand

2:30

on tables at three years old and be like, my

2:32

name is Chandrkar Ravi and the world's gonna know my

2:35

name and I'm gonna be famous. Like I, it was

2:37

all I ever knew, the arts. And

2:39

my parents did everything to nourish that and

2:41

guide me through that where it was like,

2:43

I learned tap jazz, ballet, hip hop, Spanish,

2:47

tap dancing, flamenco, Bollywood, everything,

2:49

because it was also, you're also born

2:51

in a Western country. For what you

2:53

wanna do, you have to be 10

2:56

times better than everyone else. So

2:58

that kind of overachieving

3:02

mentality, I applied it to everything I

3:05

also did. So- But the

3:07

parents put that overachieving thing in for you? No, it

3:09

wasn't them. It was the constant

3:11

need for having to fight to have a

3:13

place at the table in

3:15

a different society because in school, I

3:18

was an Indian kid, token Indian kid,

3:20

because back then, there was

3:22

no other Indian people around. So

3:24

I was a token Indian kid. So I was fighting for the non-Indian

3:27

kids to like me. Then

3:29

in my performing arts school, I was fighting to

3:32

be recognized to be at

3:34

the front of she's at the front because she's

3:36

a token kid instead of she's good, that's why

3:38

she's at the front and center. So

3:40

my whole life has been a battle. It's

3:42

constant fighting. And

3:45

the only place I ever felt like I didn't have to

3:47

do that was at home. I

3:49

always had that dying,

3:53

unconditional love

3:55

support From my mom and Dad

3:57

and my sister as well. That.

4:01

Fighting spirit just continue to my life. which

4:04

is, like you said, I've lived so many

4:06

lives and I've had that fighting spirit for

4:08

so many of these lives. But the older

4:10

I got. The. Less I thought I

4:12

had it. The. More life tainted me,

4:14

the more humans tainted me the more situations

4:16

hurt me. But I would pick up in

4:18

I'd keep moving. Pick up and keep moving.

4:21

You pick up in keep moving because I

4:23

thought. I knew. I'd. I'd

4:25

not known anything else but authentic a. Belief.

4:27

System in your mind is they places say things.

4:30

Like that was something I had to to.

4:32

Like. That was my my mother. It's okay

4:34

Today I got you Today it's fight against

4:36

me site again tomorrow Snowmen site Now all

4:39

I want in life is to p is

4:41

peace I I told my therapist like two

4:43

days ago I just want to float. I

4:45

just want to float whatever pushes me this way

4:48

That way. That's okay. I. Might cry

4:50

about it, might salt, might be upset.

4:52

I'm human. I'm not. I'm not a

4:54

saw the yet another said yes yes

4:56

but I've never the the disparity of

4:58

like constantly having to go against things

5:01

to just. This. Is life you

5:03

know simple things were like even in

5:05

the on in when I get off

5:07

a plane and I'm look at a

5:09

Mexican God, This is godlike. Random

5:12

things: I saw a video of a dog on Instagram

5:14

to sound. Like. Look out the

5:16

nature of God created. This does seem

5:18

like that slow team space and I.

5:20

Mean been existed? You didn't. Exist

5:22

I don't. Ever recall being.

5:25

In that state of mind because also

5:28

growing up my parents. Till.

5:30

Today my parents are working multiple jobs, but

5:32

my mom and dad worked multiple jobs until

5:34

I left home at twenty one to put

5:36

me and my sister through the best colleges,

5:38

best of schools, this acting schools next this

5:40

best training bus mornings with everything. My whole

5:42

life has been my family fighting also that's

5:45

all I've seen and it was always for

5:47

the children to have a better life for

5:49

their generations have a better life. So that

5:51

fighting thing has just been in my head.

5:53

So. When you see people floating through life

5:55

would do you think. I've

5:57

always craved it. i have

5:59

always create I've never looked at someone and thought,

6:01

oh, your life must be easy because I knew

6:04

that I had,

6:06

like, you know, my dad,

6:08

my grandfather, they're very calm

6:11

people. I come from a very, very

6:13

strong lineage of very, very strong women.

6:15

My mom and both my grandmothers were

6:17

like fighter spirits. But

6:20

my dad and my granddad, my dad's dad,

6:23

they're like this. You really

6:25

have to push them to some level for them to move

6:29

from that floating. I don't know if it was because they

6:31

had to carry the backs of all these people. I mean,

6:33

carry all these people in their backs and stuff. But

6:36

I saw people still fight battles, but still

6:38

float. I've seen it. Plus

6:41

with spirituality, you know,

6:43

I used to think I was very religious, but I

6:45

didn't realize that how I am today is religious, where

6:47

I can adapt to justice and accommodate. But

6:49

I... It's a continuous journey. It's a

6:52

continuous journey. It's a continuous journey of also learning religion

6:55

for what my life has shaped that

6:57

to be. Because I am

6:59

an Australian born Indian that lives in LA and

7:02

also lives in India. And I balance Hollywood

7:04

and I balance Indian film industry. Like, religion

7:06

is different to me than it is to

7:08

anyone else. But I never,

7:10

ever looked at people and thought, oh, you're floating,

7:12

so you're good. You've never had a problem in

7:14

your life because I have friends that are billionaires

7:16

that have way worse problems than

7:18

I've had. Everyone has their

7:20

own story, but it's how you choose to

7:23

just let the waves like wash you, you

7:26

know, further into the ocean. And then you see

7:28

beauty. You still see beauty. Correct. Like,

7:30

I love the... Like I say that, you know, everyone

7:32

has a story. It's up to you

7:35

to have the narration changed, right? So you

7:37

can change the narration of that story and

7:39

see it completely change in front of

7:41

your eyes as your story goes ahead. So

7:43

that's what you're doing right now. You're changing the narration. It

7:46

was a kind of a fight also between like,

7:50

what's meant for you is always meant for you. But

7:52

then they say manifest. So

7:54

as also as a Hindu, I was like,

7:57

but I Know what's meant for me. We

8:00

told them I grew and I was born.

8:02

You're going to be an international stars so

8:04

that benefit like am I having these thoughts

8:06

of new continue in your career? You continue

8:08

this as manifestation of though Isn't it odd

8:10

that battle also was. Like.

8:13

Oh I have to get to that point I have

8:15

to do this. I have to fight. I have this

8:17

oh this is not what you have to die if

8:19

I'm not doing this and it's also the industry specifically

8:21

in India. The Indian film industry is very much like

8:24

that. still have the millions of followers if you don't

8:26

have back to back box office hit said you don't

8:28

have this if you don't have that. You're

8:30

not a good artist You nodded this

8:33

and that also tainted me despite coming

8:35

from their heavy western training of arts

8:37

where this oscar winners with two thousand

8:39

followers and Instagram the rather lose a

8:42

job because they don't have a million

8:44

followers I to today I'm told to

8:46

my face. Drew.

8:48

More qualified. For this job than X

8:51

but we have to take X because X

8:53

has over x amount of dollars to today.

8:55

So all these are fights because any with

8:57

oh how do I get the million followers,

8:59

how do I get higher instead of. The.

9:02

You are worried The. You. Already

9:04

have enough something. My therapist

9:06

actually made me set. Realizing

9:09

was yes your career is very important

9:11

that who you been your whole life

9:14

but what about hundred that? What about

9:16

the today that that is sad. A

9:19

divorce, has had cervical cancer, who has

9:21

moved away from home with five hundred

9:23

dollars and no family. Never been to

9:25

America and your life but have that

9:27

some their go. What about under that?

9:29

it continues to help in the world.

9:31

You know there was a time where

9:33

I'm. Not that long

9:35

ago. I. Worked at a lot of

9:37

and years. Because. That's

9:39

just my purpose. I've always thought that my purpose

9:42

was to help young girls and women, which is.

9:44

When. Children specifically. which is why I'm doing

9:46

this also because. Is.

9:49

Some young kid young all doesn't matter. if you're

9:51

in a bad situation, you can come out of

9:53

it. You know my stories like wow my life

9:55

began after that. it would help. But.

9:58

It began. After that I would. We.

10:00

Think. About the fact. Of. My.

10:03

Career is not where it needs to be, so

10:05

I'm not. Worthy of being a A A.

10:07

Person. I'm not worthy of love. I

10:09

know where the of this I'm not

10:11

worthy of that. I diminished my battles

10:13

as a human being. Said

10:16

just a was nothing. Oh people at

10:18

to the point where even to think

10:20

that like. I. Saw I when

10:23

I got divorced with by was blindsided I

10:25

didn't know is coming. When was this

10:27

or? I was twenty five twenty four. so that's also

10:29

my trauma as months is is on the I'm working

10:31

do with my therapist. I might on responses the block

10:33

things often so I can tell you what day I

10:36

got married. I can't tell you what year I got

10:38

divorced. I can tell you when it happened later you

10:40

happened the day before. I can tell you all of

10:42

that for. That moment. But that moment. Like

10:44

I even. ugh I can we tell you the

10:47

year but I know is when I moved to

10:49

L A and. I. Didn't.

10:51

Know was happening and got blindsided with

10:53

divorce papers on my door. that says

10:55

story to tell why it happened but

10:57

it was not very good with a

10:59

horrible. Marriage. It

11:02

was not healthy for either of

11:04

us, and basically a month later

11:06

I went for routine checkup and

11:08

the doctor. Who basically referred

11:10

me to Over Un. Because

11:13

they were like oh, you looks like you have abnormal

11:15

cells. You know in your cervix. you need to go

11:17

get checked. Another? No, I'm not doing it. I didn't.

11:19

I'm going through a divorce. From like I've

11:21

seen above on my business. Up

11:23

on my plate. I'm twenty. I was twenty

11:25

four twenty five hour that I'm new in

11:27

L A. It's my whole life changed overnight.

11:30

I have bigger fish to fry. If I die, I die. I

11:33

literally said this to my parents were now that if I died

11:35

I. It is what it

11:37

is. I've been through hell already thinking about

11:39

with health and. Fast. Forward I

11:41

ended up going for a checkup and they were

11:43

like it's precancerous. And all that cool

11:45

Great mother stand by my on my passport for

11:48

of like not a jet journey of definition have

11:50

to go to and my grandmother go read. Diagnosed

11:52

with breast cancer that same week so my parents

11:54

not only had to deal with a daughter that

11:56

was dealing with a divorce by herself in L

11:58

A literally losing her mind. He

12:00

then finding out she had cervical cancer. Possible

12:02

Cervical cancer? Then the grandmother finding out that

12:05

she had. You. Know breast cancer

12:07

and I. Literally

12:10

remember. When. My

12:12

parents were never and he mental health but

12:14

he was a pre not says mental health

12:16

is not real like pray it was just

12:18

prima it's okay that's all you can do

12:20

you doing your best to today that the

12:23

one thing that always was a my head

12:25

my mom and dad's a it's okay my

12:27

you do your best and i remember calling

12:29

my parents and my little apartment that i

12:31

had the had. Like

12:33

to think about these things like and had

12:36

no heater know a seats. So now hot

12:38

of l a summer those boiling the cold

12:40

winter I was freezing. I remember rocking myself

12:42

on the floor with the one of the

12:44

weapons Id attacks have ever had crying to

12:47

my mom and dad and my parents are

12:49

not. Well loss date my mom. Six

12:51

hundred I can we get on a site

12:53

to come to you. is there anyone you

12:55

can call And at that point I'd lost

12:58

every person that was around me because I

13:00

gave up that for my relationship and I

13:02

literally did not care about my health. I

13:04

did not care about anything. Six months had

13:06

passed and my parents begged me to come

13:09

home. They said you need to take care

13:11

of this and by then luckily we did

13:13

it because one of the parts had it

13:15

progressed to stage one. The. Rest was

13:17

so precancerous. I.

13:19

Still, Till. May be

13:21

last year would walk around say this people

13:24

that have gone through worse and grandmother had

13:26

cancer twice She had a mastectomy, one some

13:28

cervical cancer. You're young, you're fi lucky to

13:30

this. I still would tell myself that. I

13:33

would still completely. Make

13:36

my suffer sufferings that I've

13:38

had so tiny. Because.

13:40

Again, I didn't value myself in

13:42

us. I didn't value my strength

13:45

and in value myself as a

13:47

woman of color that had braved.

13:49

Not just one western society to lessen

13:51

society. Then come here and tried to

13:54

do something different. Now

13:56

with my worth. You. Know

13:58

those. To to. Yeah, to

14:00

tell yourself that cancer is not serious. Yeah. Even

14:02

now, saying it, I'm laughing in my

14:04

head that I even thought that

14:07

I was like divorced. I'm young. It's

14:09

okay. Who cares? Life happens. You

14:11

probably want to go back to the roles you're going to do with

14:13

Thapbar Singh and Rooka then. You know who I want to go

14:15

back to? The young one. The young one. The

14:17

young one that had

14:19

those dreams and

14:22

to remind her, don't ever let those

14:24

dreams like overtake anything. Those dreams are

14:27

yours, but don't let anyone take away

14:29

your power. Don't let

14:31

anyone or anything take your power. My parents

14:33

used to always tell my sister and I

14:35

growing up that we are your best friends.

14:38

And I used to joke about it. I'd be like, whatever.

14:40

Like I have best friends outside of the

14:42

house, you know? But something as

14:44

little as that, which is what I'm

14:46

trying to implement into our Indian

14:49

households is

14:51

that relationship with your

14:53

parents. If you can establish that,

14:57

children would, I

14:59

had that and I still went in

15:02

different course directions. You never like appreciate

15:04

the thing you have. I didn't appreciate it until like,

15:07

I kid you not till today. I speak to my mom and

15:09

dad like five, six times on the phone every day. I speak

15:11

to them more than I speak to anyone. Like

15:14

where I'm like, I should probably have a relationship at

15:16

some point, but it's okay. I have a great relationship

15:18

with my parents. I don't need

15:20

to look for love anywhere, which also

15:22

was a catch because my dad is

15:24

the most incredible man I've

15:26

ever met in my life where

15:30

he has not only instilled

15:32

in us the idea that an Indian

15:35

man can be a father like that

15:37

that supports their daughters and, you know, challenges

15:39

you, pushes you and all these things. But he

15:42

showed that it's okay to have weakness.

15:45

It's okay to be soft. It's okay to have

15:47

a heart. It's okay to operate from love. My

15:50

dad opens the door for my mom and it's

15:52

like, welcome home queen. They call each other Prem

15:54

like they're as in Sanskrit.

15:56

I'm like, you guys are sickening, but

15:58

that also was something. that ingrained in my

16:00

mind that I thought every man was going to be like

16:02

this. So then I would fix men. So

16:05

that's why I want to go back to that little girl because

16:07

that little girl, nothing could take anything away

16:09

from her. It was love. My

16:11

grandparents are in love. My parents are in love. Everything

16:14

is beautiful. Life is beautiful. It's okay.

16:16

I see struggles, but I look at, I

16:18

have a dream. I can make it. Then

16:21

life happened. And

16:24

then that little girl disappeared. And I feel

16:26

like she's slowly coming back now. I feel

16:28

her coming back. There's days

16:31

where I

16:33

have to start this internal dialogue. I

16:35

started doing it recently where

16:37

I tell myself, I am worthy.

16:39

I am talented. I'm beautiful. I'm loved.

16:42

I'm healthy. I'm happy. I'm

16:44

wealthy. I'm this. I

16:46

might not be true. I might not feel it, but I've started

16:48

to catch myself now. Even the

16:51

slightest thought comes, it's like an

16:53

automatic mantra now. Instead of saying,

16:56

that is my mantra now. Simple

17:01

things. My daily prayer after I do my

17:03

daily prayer, I pray to God and I say, just guide me.

17:05

I now have to pray to God to say, if something's not

17:07

meant for me, take it away in the most drastic way. Take

17:10

it away. I like that. In the most

17:12

drastic way. In the most drastic way. Like make sure I

17:14

recognize it. Make sure I recognize this is a

17:17

sign because imagine my husband not wanting

17:19

to be with me and I'm begging

17:21

him to stay with me. This

17:24

truth is something that he can eventually talk

17:27

about. But for this

17:29

person does not want to be with me at

17:31

all. Has told me to my face, has

17:34

told me, I don't want you in my life.

17:37

And I'm saying, please don't let me go. I

17:39

have no one else. Please don't leave me. Your

17:42

mother, your father, your sister, your guru

17:44

might be past, but he's still there. Your grandparents, the

17:47

few friends you have left in Alex. You can't

17:49

see any of those. I can't see anyone. All

17:52

I can see is this person that I have

17:54

changed to mold into to fit their narrative of

17:56

what they want to meet. I've done this a

17:58

lot of my life. because growing

18:02

up as an Indian kid in

18:04

a Western society, I had to

18:06

fit, I've had to fit boxes my

18:08

whole life. So you thought you were like Plato. I

18:11

literally was slime. Until

18:13

last year, I didn't

18:15

realize that

18:18

I'm enough. It's

18:20

like the actress just won an Oscar. Her name

18:22

is Divine. She literally said for so long, I

18:24

was trying to be different. I just had to

18:26

be myself. Chandrika

18:28

Ravi was always, I always

18:31

said that I was going to be the first global

18:33

Indian sex symbol. Someone that showed both sides of the

18:35

pond, someone that was born on the other side of

18:37

the pond, but still represented

18:39

India and had her roots here

18:41

and everything. Why was I trying to fit all

18:44

these other boxes? My narrative

18:46

is no, no one can say they've walked in

18:49

my shoes. Not one single person. There's

18:51

times where nowadays I sit back and I think

18:53

about it. And this is no discrimination to my

18:56

friends or anything where I'm like, I

18:58

don't know anyone that could have

19:00

battered the storms that I have. My

19:02

mom has had conversations with friends where

19:05

their children have got divorced and they're

19:07

bad-mouthing the child's ex-spouse.

19:10

And my mom, we didn't

19:12

tell a lot of people that I was married because

19:14

I didn't marry an Indian person. I

19:16

protected my parents because, not because

19:19

I thought I was going to get divorced, but I didn't

19:21

want that prejudice. Oh, you allowed your daughter

19:23

to marry an Indian? Now see what happened. Now you see

19:25

what happened. So my

19:28

mom ended up telling a friend of hers, like,

19:30

you know, I'm going to tell

19:33

you something, Chandrika is actually divorced. And this family

19:35

friend of ours was like, oh my God, what

19:37

happened? You know, my mom said, till today, Chandrika

19:39

never says that she hates him. She

19:41

hates what he does. She wishes him well. She

19:44

prays for him. She sends him love and light.

19:46

She never says that she hates him. My

19:48

daughter is the most kind-hearted human being I've

19:50

ever seen in my life. The amount of

19:52

things that she's gone through and

19:55

she's still standing here today, wanting

19:57

to do good in the world, wanting to help, wanting

19:59

to this, to that, that girl,

20:02

that's that little Chandrika because I was so

20:04

naive. I just didn't care. I was just

20:06

happy. Despite everything that was going on.

20:08

No, I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream.

20:11

And I think that was the manifestation,

20:14

whether it's meant for me or not. Like that is

20:16

God's, he's already written that for

20:18

me, but that was a manifestation because that

20:20

girl had no, there was nothing tainting her.

20:23

So everything, it was a purity, pure

20:25

innocence, pure belief that I could do something.

20:28

When I moved to LA, I slept on a bus stop for three

20:30

days with $500. I

20:33

had nowhere to go. I didn't know what to do. All

20:35

I knew was this is where I'm going to be. This

20:37

is the city of dreams. If I can make it here,

20:39

I can make it anywhere. People

20:42

say New York and Bombay. No, you

20:44

try and make it in LA and

20:46

live there. Forget being a working artist.

20:48

Live there. Just live in LA. The

20:51

things that you're exposed to, the things that you

20:55

have to be a part of. It's a very,

20:57

very different world. But that

20:59

little girl brought me there. That little girl

21:01

brought me here. I just thought I didn't

21:03

have her anymore. Rediscovering myself.

21:05

I'm rediscovering myself. And it's

21:09

that word rediscovery is actually very,

21:11

very different to me

21:13

now. A

21:16

lot of people say I'm going back to my old self. I'm,

21:20

this is a whole new chandrika. This

21:22

chandrika is, I'm learning her. Now,

21:26

even when it comes to relationships,

21:29

friendships, I have to

21:32

sit and gauge whether this is something that I

21:34

want to be a part of because I still

21:36

don't know myself now. I'm still learning myself. Are

21:38

you someone that should come into my space? Are

21:40

you going to bring me out of my sattvic

21:42

santum? You know, are you

21:45

going to take me out of

21:47

this calm floating level? Are you going to bring

21:50

me into behaviors where I

21:52

used to band-aid things and do things just

21:54

for a rise or a quick

21:56

fix or, Oh, You pissed me

21:58

off today. So I'm going to go out. To hang

22:00

out with my friends and it's

22:03

have a late night make net

22:05

also okay. Make that's also a

22:08

realization where it's okay. Life is

22:10

everything in moderation, but this rediscovery

22:12

is agreeing. that little girl. And

22:15

this hundred got this. almost thirty five yards

22:18

on the gop. together. And.

22:20

Realizing oh, she's the same person. But.

22:22

You just never been. This person before

22:24

that to me is like to hear

22:27

my own thoughts is very crazy. To.

22:29

Hear myself been like two

22:31

k. Or you went through

22:33

this because of that. Or you're feeling this

22:36

because it's effects you instead of. I

22:38

have to protect myself but I don't wanna lose

22:40

the situation on lose his job. I don't lose

22:42

his friend island was boyfriend. I'm just gonna keep

22:44

my mouth shut. more you're doing is affecting me

22:46

but it's okay. I'll just deal with it myself.

22:48

Know it was like I it I wouldn't know.

22:50

America's Eugene. So much for the the people around

22:52

you. That as well. Yeah, I've outgrown

22:55

a lot of people. And as

22:57

a happy man discussion because my goal

22:59

for this ios I only said a

23:01

one. Wooden benches Riccio and the one

23:03

would invention for this yost remember because

23:05

in Jan I was looking at my

23:07

old baby pictures after god knows how

23:09

long and I saw my make. Me

23:11

like says try this This is

23:13

this is I had. And you

23:16

saw something in your eyes. And you

23:18

for something your fears that you've forgotten

23:20

or didn't realize existed. And I'm listening.

23:23

That was who I was. Can.

23:25

I remember that that was wisdom in

23:27

that kid's eyes when us that gone

23:29

and I started remembering this answer For

23:31

me it was to remember some so

23:33

happy we're having this conversation because it's

23:35

exactly the same. It's the say

23:38

these it like. So my my

23:40

grandfather passed away in September last

23:42

year and life kind of just.

23:44

Took a halt for me completely. I

23:46

was very close my grandfather but I was

23:49

in a series very very dark space last

23:51

year. Very dark space and it started with

23:53

moving to Bombay. It just went downhill after

23:55

that. Because. i think when i

23:57

lived in l a was able a i was

24:00

to move away from

24:02

the politics of the Indian film industry. I could come do

24:04

my job and go back, come do my job and go

24:06

back. Being here was a different thing. And

24:09

that's a whole other conversation. We already know the

24:11

things that happen here. And

24:13

I went back home with my parents, I went

24:16

back to Australia from Singapore, and

24:18

I decided to open my albums,

24:21

baby albums. I

24:23

cried for hours. I took

24:25

scans of all of them.

24:28

Even last week, I was sending screenshots because I

24:30

scanned everything. I had them on my computer. I

24:32

was sending them to my parents with tears streaming

24:36

down my face. Because

24:38

I look at that little girl. And

24:43

that little girl had so many dreams, so

24:46

many aspirations. And

24:48

she thought she could do it. Then

24:51

I thought

24:54

I couldn't. Then

24:56

everything became about everyone else. Everything

24:59

else. How

25:01

does my life look to other people? Because I'm

25:04

an artist, I have to be a certain way,

25:06

I have to operate a certain way, I have

25:08

to be a certain way. There's, you know, that

25:10

saying the death of the ego is the birth of the

25:12

soul. Where I had to

25:14

question myself, is me chasing

25:16

this superstardom an ego thing? Or is it

25:18

because I want to do more in the

25:21

world? Realizing then it was

25:23

like, you have to tell

25:25

yourself you're beautiful, you have to tell

25:27

yourself you're talented. But is that ego?

25:29

No, that's chandryukara assuring yourself that you

25:31

are good enough so you don't look

25:33

for that validation elsewhere. You

25:35

have it from your parents. You

25:38

have it from you have it from

25:40

people that matter the most, your sister,

25:42

your mom, your dad, your guru, your

25:44

grandparents, the people that matter gave you

25:46

that. Those little, those our eyes when

25:48

we were little, we didn't

25:51

see pain, we saw color. We

25:54

saw beauty, we saw

25:56

life. We saw joy.

25:58

No matter how you

26:01

grew up. Like, I'm, when

26:04

I think of growing up, despite knowing my

26:06

parents were not well off, my

26:08

mom used to save her like

26:10

government assistance to take us to

26:12

Burger King once a month. I

26:17

thought that was the best thing. Those

26:21

little, like that little girl enjoyed

26:24

these small things. Where

26:28

it today actually landing into Bombay

26:31

and you know, I saw the

26:33

slums, I literally started playing because

26:36

I always

26:39

thought that like, like I said, I'm not,

26:41

I'm not enough. I used to

26:43

think I wasn't enough. Where

26:45

there was a time where, like

26:47

I was saying before I do a lot of charity work and

26:49

NGOs and everything. Not that

26:51

long ago, I didn't have money to donate myself. And

26:54

I felt like a hypocrite because I was promoting

26:56

for other people to support causes that I believed

26:58

in. Meanwhile, I couldn't even donate a dollar. So

27:02

I put myself down. Instead of looking at

27:04

the fact that at least I'm doing something and donating

27:06

your time, at least I'm donating my time, at

27:08

least I'm using my voice, at least I'm using my

27:10

platform. Because for a

27:12

long time, the fight then became Chandrika, you look

27:14

like this, you post pictures and bikini, you don't

27:16

have anything to say, keep your mouth shut. You

27:19

don't know what you're talking about. There was

27:21

a time where people abused me. When

27:24

I did Miss World Australia, it was the first Indian girl

27:26

ever placed in the state finals. There's a bikini

27:28

around. I

27:31

got told that I was the reason why women were getting

27:33

raped in India. There were

27:35

years that I dealt with that. It

27:37

was years that I dealt with that until

27:40

it became okay for Bollywood actresses to wear bikinis

27:42

and this and that the other and post pictures

27:44

and it was fine. But because some girl that

27:46

came from somewhere else who

27:48

had a little darker skin and spoke her mind

27:51

was doing it, it was a problem. Even

27:55

in that where I was like, should

27:57

I speak up for injustices? Do

28:00

I have something to say? And

28:02

it's a different thing like now when you speak about

28:04

the war and people like don't take a side That's

28:06

a different thing that you are telling a woman That

28:10

is trying to do something good in the world

28:12

keep quiet because you're just your outer being you're

28:14

nothing more than that So

28:17

as women we already fight for so many things

28:21

That no wonder that little girl got left behind Because

28:24

that what that little girl was brought up to

28:26

believe Everyone else is

28:28

like no statue. It's not right It's not real. It's

28:31

all in your head That

28:34

then then what do you do then you look for

28:36

the validation from elsewhere from men

28:39

from work from Outfits

28:42

makeup Whatever it is travel

28:45

band-aids, whatever the band-aid is

28:49

Distraction distraction distraction. I

28:51

was so afraid of Having

28:53

my mind be quiet There's

28:55

a meditation center in LA a parmantha yoga nandas

28:58

meditation center and I go there a lot There's

29:00

a sign that says be still and know that

29:02

I'm God When I first read

29:04

that I was like, what do you mean?

29:07

Be still and know that I'm God I want

29:09

to be active that means God is real. Look

29:11

at this. I'm traveling here. Look at this beautiful

29:13

country Look at this waterfall. Look at this now

29:16

I realized that I

29:20

Understand what that means. I

29:23

just want to be still Okay,

29:25

this happened. Okay, it's happening to me It's

29:29

happening for me. There's a lesson

29:31

out of it Okay,

29:34

I went through cancer, okay Yes,

29:36

there are people that go through worse, but that

29:38

was my story to tell that was my bottle

29:40

to fight That is

29:42

something that I can look back on and say wow

29:45

in one year forget one year in one month

29:47

You went through a divorce and found out you

29:49

have possible cancer cells Then you fought everything yourself

29:51

by yourself in LA you battle that then

29:53

you move to India by yourself Then you did this then you did this

29:56

then you did then you flew here you did that you These

29:59

are my stories. To tell either my scars

30:01

and no longer my allowing anyone else to

30:03

put the knife and me. I'm.

30:06

Choosing not to put my than myself either. If.

30:09

I happen to I catch myself which is

30:11

the internal that you're beautiful, Your this your,

30:13

that might be stupid. Tough. To

30:16

to someone else but to me. It's

30:19

taking my power back. Have.

30:31

You I'm so you're going under but I'm

30:33

I'm so buggy that you must be as

30:35

a it's that I'm it's huge so that

30:37

is so you know in the beginning of

30:40

the bugs uber both sides know that conscience

30:42

they'd so about of as Lord of the

30:44

Binder was blue it and it's so interesting

30:47

his analysis of this for the corner with

30:49

a blowing this which are all the negative

30:51

thoughts in the seventies that that exist in

30:53

our main and then that have the ones

30:56

that are blowing it which is our mind

30:58

seeing know that is not true and they

31:00

is. As bad as a concept of place

31:02

in I'm in our main though that buggy that

31:04

that he's expand his sesame be you must stick

31:07

with what if you i. Definitely would let

31:09

the like I I I have itself. I've

31:11

got that of that them have. I thought

31:13

it like growing up I read everything I

31:15

got all homage that as I had everything.

31:17

Then again I got loss. Yeah. And.

31:19

You see it as a with have a

31:21

different lens now now as the within one

31:23

hundred percent is narration the item is understanding

31:25

of. It's way different. Yeah. But

31:27

that's that battle also that I think

31:30

I have had for so long because.

31:33

Trying to fit into Fabian indices than

31:35

sign him be the norm it I

31:37

never had to fit into Hollywood because

31:39

that's the life I grew up with.

31:41

I grew up. In less easy for you as.

31:43

Easy that's more natural to me than

31:45

this is that or to me. But

31:47

trying to sit in here is a

31:49

different name, but that battle of like

31:51

what's right flim the who's I try

31:54

to. Please. you know

31:56

and and my ruffle feathers by saying this

31:58

but i always say you know When I

32:00

hear like a lot of young girls send

32:02

me messages, you know, they

32:04

call me Akka, I always tell these kids to call me like

32:06

older sister, like Akka or whatever. And they will send me

32:08

DMs and they'll say, you know, I really want to do this.

32:10

How do I start or how do I you know, where

32:12

do my parents want to allow me? I always say it starts

32:15

with a conversation. Because realistically,

32:17

who is going to live that life? I

32:20

look at my life and I see that

32:22

I had the support. And I

32:24

still thought I wasn't good enough. I still

32:26

thought, oh, India is not going to accept me. Oh,

32:29

this person's not gonna do this. All the questions

32:31

came. And I have the support. It

32:33

just starts with putting yourself first,

32:35

you know, and it is a cycle.

32:38

It's what we talk to our friends about

32:40

when they have children, hopefully they implement it.

32:42

It really is a cycle. You pass it

32:44

on. We pass it on. And the world

32:46

is ever changing. There is no strict idea

32:49

of a Hindu or a Christian or there's

32:52

no there's no

32:54

guideline anymore. We

32:56

have social media we have so much like,

32:59

this generation I fear for kids. Like

33:01

I really fear for a lot of

33:03

kids because there's telling this this this

33:05

that like people just feel so comfortable

33:09

to tell you what they feel or what

33:11

they think or anonymous people anonymous

33:13

without a face. We're already

33:15

fighting our own battles. We're already fighting our

33:17

own demons. The

33:19

two conscious are already blowing. Then

33:22

we have to listen to some other person saying

33:24

something and giving you you know, unsolicited

33:27

advice or opinions on x,

33:30

y and z. It's

33:32

already so much to brave as a human

33:34

being. And then coming

33:36

from a cultural background of us

33:38

being Indians, where

33:41

we have generations of ideologies

33:43

and rules and this and

33:45

that and I'm not saying break them. But

33:48

I'm saying create a narrative that

33:50

suits you. Create

33:53

Like till today people think it's crazy that

33:55

I don't need beef. I'm like no, that's

33:57

something I don't want to do. I was.

34:00

The good old are you look like

34:02

that but then you pray everyday city

34:04

mutually exclusive like I I I caught

34:06

me a practicing Hindu and then also

34:08

like be a western present like this

34:10

is my narratives. This is what I've

34:12

chosen to do. And that is yours.

34:14

The or to is my door that we are you the

34:16

usually in your. Head that I have to be a certain

34:18

way. But. My

34:20

main focus is also. Yes,

34:23

now I'm focusing on myself, but my focus

34:25

is also to. Amplify.

34:28

This image that I have a

34:30

myself to the world because I

34:32

want other young kids. That

34:34

grew up like me in a western

34:36

country. Whether you're born there are not

34:38

to understand that it's okay. To be

34:40

both. Create your own idea

34:43

of what what both is, but don't

34:45

let either side go. Because.

34:47

We are. These.

34:50

We are the generation that's going to

34:52

push. This. Beauty of.

34:55

Our culture, our people, And doesn't

34:57

matter whether you Hindu or Indian or

34:59

Muslim or Chinese that those mix kids.

35:03

Were the ones that are really going

35:05

till like create this new narrative. And

35:07

seek things a shake. Things up where

35:09

why are like. I.

35:12

Can't stand going to coffee places and it's

35:14

like tie this such like there the night

35:16

and as a child I la de likes

35:18

tidy lot and like Thai thai Thai like

35:20

is that what you're giving each is who

35:22

likes that were the ones that actually speedup.

35:24

Now now you know like we're the ones

35:26

that actually a going to say no this

35:29

is not for you. To take this is

35:31

our thing. But. We have to have

35:33

that voice. But. That that comes

35:35

from understanding. Yourself. That.

35:38

Comes from understanding your son, your.

35:40

Goals like and love you're going to be

35:42

India to be the was first in the

35:44

insects and boots they'd that years ago huge

35:46

boys a the. A huge goal and you know

35:49

I'm already halfway there. I've The thing is, I

35:51

created that in the. Outside. Of

35:53

India. Before I came here, I was already

35:55

known as that. You. Know where in

35:57

L A and stuff like my friends who I

35:59

were. Go make one week I might

36:01

be in common or I might be here.

36:03

Paris freshly goods that's the life of. Very

36:06

excited for myself. It what you didn't transpire

36:08

here, but. That and goal

36:10

of being the first Indian sex symbol

36:12

is not for my our to being

36:15

validation it is for the fact that

36:17

I would validation of being an Indian

36:19

woman. That. Can wear this.

36:22

I. Can wear. A bikini tomorrow

36:24

I can. If you want me to

36:26

succeed in a film I do. That's

36:28

my jobs but I am proud of

36:31

who I am as a woman of

36:33

my skin, color, of my body to

36:35

today. People. Think I have

36:38

had surgery both out. I'm not.

36:40

I'm not even had a needle

36:42

on my body. such would I

36:44

hope I say that place But

36:46

Indian women specifically in the Western

36:48

world. We've not been given any

36:50

recognition for this out of being

36:52

because we never promoted it because

36:54

where the woman's place. Is

36:57

the did better thing they'd This is your

36:59

job. Your values are different and people can

37:01

see the they. Can either did the difference.

37:03

it's there's no line is not even. I

37:05

mean right now I'm playing and yes officer

37:07

and my son my next some I'm playing

37:09

a house ice. After that I'm doing missiles

37:11

with a biopic. My last on was a

37:13

song before that was on. Before that I

37:15

played a both. Before that I played a

37:17

assassin. People. It.

37:20

But. Usually do songs and like so I would

37:22

you know so I can I do songs. Of.

37:24

What is this item? Sagna as we use beat

37:26

I guess. So. Was. On

37:29

of use. Why can't I be typecast by can

37:31

I be that like an obvious many was but

37:33

you Pbs the officer. We really do some. And

37:37

bit i and next idiocy of

37:39

have any of the aside good

37:41

or as soon as he writes

37:43

but. Why can't Why can

37:45

I create my own idea what I am.

37:48

Why? Is it have to be dictated by you?

37:52

Why? Can't it where I was scared

37:54

though the time. Even.

37:57

so when i told my parents that i was

37:59

ready to talk This

38:01

was, I think three weeks ago we spoke. My

38:03

mom and dad knew that I finally came to

38:05

the point where I didn't care about what specifically

38:07

India would say about my divorce. I

38:10

hid that for a very long time

38:12

that I was divorced because I wasn't

38:16

at that level of superstardom to

38:19

say I'm divorced and people would be like, oh, it's

38:21

fine. It's okay. Except you're the

38:24

one now. Except you're the one who's the way you are.

38:26

I was still at that level where it was like, oh,

38:28

it's going to be this. She's from America. She was born

38:30

in Australia. I see her parents didn't

38:32

control her, married a non-Indian. But

38:35

I said, screw it. My

38:39

life began after that. It really was rocky

38:41

for the last 10 years. Oh, these

38:43

are blessings. These are the things

38:45

that you write in your graduate journal. My life began

38:47

after that. It might

38:49

have been hard. But

38:52

when I think of all the countries I

38:55

went to, the jobs I've done, the people

38:57

I've met, the lives I've lived, the things

38:59

I've done, the fun

39:01

I've had, the sadness I've had,

39:04

everything came after that divorce. I

39:08

thank him for doing that. I

39:10

thank him for letting me go because in

39:12

that particular way, that's the important

39:15

bit. Like I said, I pray for drastic

39:17

endings now. I literally pray

39:19

for drastic endings now where even

39:22

the last person I dated, it was like,

39:27

it felt like a movie. It was the

39:30

first time in 14 years I'd

39:32

met someone that genuinely, I was like, this is

39:34

a great human being. It was the most drastic

39:36

ending, but also not a drastic ending. Nothing happened.

39:39

It was just, I had to leave. That's it. Got

39:41

them finished. I'm in India now. Like,

39:44

I don't know when I'm coming back home. I'll

39:46

see you whenever. But it was drastic. But

39:49

I have to pray to God like

39:51

that now because I don't know if I'll

39:53

try and fix it. I'll keep trying to pull it. Pull it.

39:55

It's like, you know, the thing where you see the meme on

39:57

Instagram where it's like Jesus with the teddy bear behind his neck.

40:00

back and you're like, but I wanted Jesus and

40:02

Jesus has like a huge teddy bear behind his back

40:04

and you have this small one. I'm like, no, give

40:06

me back. Like I will fix. I

40:08

will keep pulling, pull up, push doors. And

40:10

I'm constantly trying to fixing, fixing,

40:13

fixing, fixing. And then I was

40:15

broke. It is

40:17

exhausting. People like this

40:21

happened last year. I I'm

40:23

that friend where my best

40:25

friends had my house key. They would have my

40:27

location. They would know where I'm at 24 seven. I'd

40:30

be on the phone for seven hours. Even if I've

40:32

had the worst day possible or if I've been on

40:34

set for 15 hours, I'll still be on the phone

40:36

with you for seven hours. If you need a friend,

40:38

then I slowly started cutting back. I turn

40:40

off my location, take my key away, lie

40:43

and say, I'm not even in the country. Like that drastic

40:45

where my friends would be like your cars in the house

40:47

though. Like what do you mean? So

40:51

you need your space. I need my space, but I had

40:53

a close friend say, you don't love me

40:55

anymore. And I realized

40:58

that I'd been that friend to everyone. Whether

41:01

it was a lover, whether it was a friend, I'd

41:04

been that person to everyone for

41:06

so long. Who is there

41:08

for me? Where, you

41:11

know, obviously my parents are my best friends, but nowadays

41:13

there's times where I take breaks from them. Like I'll,

41:15

I'll speak every day, but I'll take a break and

41:17

my parents will automatically know my dad will send me

41:19

a message and say, mom, what's happening? Normally you always

41:22

call. Are you okay? We're here for you. That's,

41:25

that's what I need. Right. But

41:27

I, I couldn't have crutches anymore. I had

41:30

to slowly break away the crutches, the LA

41:32

lifestyle, the relationships, the

41:34

horrible relationships. Like when I

41:36

say horrible, when

41:39

my memoir comes out, if

41:41

you were to read the things that I put up

41:43

with and still be like,

41:45

this is the Chandrika that went from Australia

41:48

to Singapore, to Sydney,

41:50

to LA, to India. This girl

41:52

was putting up with this. When

41:54

I tell you it was sheer

41:56

stupidity, like I am, I am

41:59

healed enough now. today to say I

42:01

was so stupid to not put myself

42:03

first for the last 14, 15

42:06

years of my life. To

42:09

put someone else's dreams and

42:11

goals, whether they were a friend, a foe,

42:13

an enemy, a lover, to

42:15

put their ideas first, their choices,

42:17

their dreams, their goals first. I

42:22

moved to LA for my dreams. Then

42:24

it was begging someone to stay with me because I

42:26

had nothing. It's okay, you move for

42:29

nothing. You can do it

42:31

again. I'd rather fight like

42:33

that than constantly be fighting. Yeah. So

42:36

we have a podcast where I've done

42:39

this word called Samining. So many

42:41

people spend their life like a salmon trying

42:43

to swim upstream. And they're

42:45

struggling and struggling and struggling. But you're not a

42:47

salmon. Why are you trying to swim upstream? Instead,

42:50

you need to learn how to flow

42:52

with the river. Like a

42:54

raft just by itself will crash against the rock. But

42:57

you need to flow with the river and learn how

42:59

to do that. You also have to know how

43:01

to take the anchor off the water. You

43:03

know, my friend, when I first

43:05

moved to LA, I had a conversation with my friend and

43:08

he's an actor as well. But he's one

43:10

of those actors that's not chasing superstardom.

43:12

He just is happy. And

43:16

I used to feel bad

43:18

talking about my goals, saying, no, I'm going to

43:20

be a superstar. Watch,

43:22

watch. And again, changing

43:25

the narrative of superstar doesn't mean Instagram followers.

43:28

Superstar is people recognizing me for what

43:30

I've done. People telling each other, thank

43:32

you for being the first this, that,

43:34

whatever. Superstar is not

43:38

every 100 crores. Yes, my last one was 100 crores. And

43:42

am I going to take that to my grave? It's not my

43:44

film. I did a song in it. I am a part of

43:46

it. Fantastic. But it's not, you know, but

43:48

he he told me, he's like, you

43:50

can't expect to go when you're

43:53

you are pushing the anchor further into the water. So

43:56

the waves can't even push you. That's why you're sitting

43:58

here like this. You're rocking like this. because you're

44:00

stuck. You have put

44:02

this, you are driving it into

44:05

the ocean further. And

44:07

that's floating. That's I'm in that level

44:09

now, where there's things that are knocking

44:11

me this way and knocking me that

44:13

way. But then it's so

44:15

odd for me to just be like, that's life. Like

44:18

there's certain few things that are

44:20

going on in my work life at the moment. And obviously,

44:23

I have an incredible team. But because I'm close

44:25

to my parents, I tell them everything. My mom

44:27

and dad had genuine concern. And the

44:29

other day I said, so be it. It's

44:31

okay. They were like, huh? Yeah. Like they

44:34

were and this is something I've done. I'm

44:36

so used to having bad things happen to me touch

44:38

wood. I

44:42

don't want it to ever happen. I'm so used

44:44

to having bad things happen to me that I

44:46

used to anticipate it. Like I would anticipate of

44:49

course, it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen. No, but I

44:51

would look forward to bad things happening. Because that's

44:53

all I knew how to navigate. Yeah, that's your

44:55

norm. That's my norm. My norm is

44:57

usually, oh, strap

45:00

for cash. I don't know. I'm gonna pay rent.

45:02

This that's up. This my

45:04

boyfriend left me. Oh, my boyfriend, she's gonna be

45:06

up. This friend is a bad friend. Oh, this

45:08

this it was constant. That's all I knew. But

45:11

I still have to continue this

45:13

path of superstardom, superstardom, superstardom. But

45:17

also not tell people that was my path because

45:20

me explaining to you what my superstardom is one thing. If

45:22

you just heard me talking on the street, like I'm going

45:24

to be a superstar and be like, of course, another girl

45:26

that just wants to be some star, instead of understanding

45:28

why I want to be a star. Why

45:30

I've been chasing. Do you have a plan? Do you have a goal?

45:33

Do you have a way to say without knowing

45:35

this is 32 years in the making.

45:37

I started performing at three years old.

45:40

This path is never going to go this

45:43

path. I don't have a backup plan. I've

45:45

never had a backup plan. My

45:47

backup plan has been this. Like

45:50

every all roads lead to this one

45:52

thing that I'm constantly doing. The phone is

45:54

constantly rang. Might not be at the time

45:56

that I wanted it, but it's constantly rung. But

45:59

that that path has always

46:01

been my path. But

46:03

I've had to fight all these battles on

46:05

the side, but still

46:07

be solo on this path. I remember telling my

46:09

therapist this last year, you know,

46:12

when people usually go through things that they

46:14

go through, they see darkness. I didn't see

46:16

darkness. I started imagining myself in the middle

46:18

of like the Nevada desert, imagine, and

46:21

all I see is desert and mountain ranges.

46:23

But I turned back and I can see

46:25

lights and I can see pictures

46:28

and collages of my family and

46:31

one good relationship, some good friends, a

46:34

memory here, this trip, this, but

46:36

then now there's no path. And

46:39

I'm like, where do I go? It's

46:41

not darkness. And then I realized that

46:43

that was my reconnection with God. I had to come back

46:45

to God. That's why I'm not seeing

46:47

darkness. I had to come to

46:50

the point where I was like, I

46:52

need God. Pray

46:54

through it, pray with it, pray. Everything

46:57

is prayer, pray. And

46:59

my guru used to say, no single silly prayer

47:01

goes unanswered. And it

47:03

wasn't about, I had to go and sit and

47:06

recite the shadhi and this and that. It was

47:08

just, I had to sincerely say, God, I need

47:10

your help. And

47:12

also actively make the changes, take

47:15

away the distractions, take away the bandages. You have

47:17

to put the work in. I had to put the work in. I

47:20

had to, I can't, and it, even

47:23

in that the imposter syndrome came with, you're

47:25

not a good person. That's why it's not, that's why God's not helping

47:28

you. You're doing this,

47:30

you did this, your past sins, your past

47:32

mistakes. That's why God's not helping you. Instead

47:34

of being like, no, you're lost. And

47:37

you know, for me, that junction is

47:39

very, very prevalent in every

47:42

aspect of my life. Because

47:44

I'm not a

47:46

girl that's lived a one-dimensional life. I

47:49

was born to parents from Singapore, Indian

47:51

grandparents. I was born in Australia, lived

47:53

in LA for the most important parts

47:55

of my life, and now have India.

47:57

So I'm at a three-way junction in

47:59

every. aspect of my life. My

48:02

career? Everything is a fruit salad. Everything

48:04

is a fruit salad. Even a relationship.

48:06

Yeah. Where I, I've

48:09

never really seen myself dating an Indian man and

48:11

not because I have any discrimination or anything, but

48:13

the ones that I've come across have not appreciated

48:18

my strongheadedness,

48:21

my uniqueness and whatever. But then it's,

48:23

oh, whoever I do date, do they

48:25

appreciate this? Everything is a three way

48:27

job. But they have like a checklist then that you

48:29

have to go. I usually have a checklist. And

48:32

my main checklist is, are you

48:34

okay with me being this person? And I've

48:36

never really had issues with the

48:38

men that I've been with, you know,

48:41

the men that I've dated. But that

48:43

junction is something I'm constantly in. Like,

48:45

I'm constantly having to, is

48:47

this Indian? Is this not? Is this, who is

48:49

this in line with old me? Is this in

48:51

line with new me? Is this, you know, that

48:54

constant, the chitter chatter has to happen. I used

48:56

to think that if there's no chitter chatter,

48:58

it's perfect. I

49:01

used to think that it's supposed to be easy.

49:03

It's not, you're supposed

49:05

to ask yourself these, these tough questions.

49:08

You're supposed to question what is your impact

49:10

in the world? I always tell

49:12

people that my

49:15

most important thing is what

49:17

people say after I'm gone. I

49:20

want some kid 50 years

49:22

down the line, hopefully a

49:24

hundred years, but some

49:27

kid to be like, there was this girl that

49:29

did this and did that and created

49:31

a new narrative. And that's why we're here today.

49:33

Because that's what people say about people like Sophia

49:35

Lauren and Salma Hayek and Peralti Cruz and the

49:37

people that I looked up to and

49:40

still look up to. That's what people used to say about

49:42

that. Silk Smitha, number one on my list. That's why I'm

49:44

doing her biopic. I

49:46

want people to say that about me. She

49:49

created our own narrative. She fought, she

49:51

did this. She was a soldier. She fought

49:54

battles and now her scars are a

49:56

lighthouse for people. And you can look at these. I can,

49:58

I can now look back and

50:02

smile and

50:04

say, wow, I did all

50:06

of that. I battled all

50:08

of this. And yes, having parents and supportive

50:10

parents and all this is great, but I

50:12

did it myself. I

50:15

literally fought these battles myself. I didn't

50:17

have funds to get me out of

50:19

it. I didn't have rich parents. I

50:22

didn't have superstardom at that time. Follow

50:24

the fight. I think that's a beautiful word.

50:26

It was just follow the fight. In

50:29

a way, the constant fighting got

50:31

me to the floating. If

50:34

I didn't experience that constant fight,

50:38

I wouldn't crave this floating so

50:41

badly. Right now, everything I do in

50:43

life has to bring me peace. Where.

50:46

So that's the new direction for you.

50:49

Everything, everything in my life is

50:51

about peace now. Amazing. Everything, even

50:54

creating boundaries with my own family in

50:57

a good way. Not that I

50:59

need to, but in a good way. No, that peace.

51:01

Once you create the boundary, you know that peace.

51:03

This boundary that I've created, this

51:05

peace that I have, and

51:08

it's only getting stronger every day, which

51:10

is the most beautiful thing. There's

51:12

so much chaos already in my life with

51:15

my career because I can't help it. Like,

51:17

especially how the Indian film industry. Oh, it has

51:19

to be. So in fact, one

51:22

of my questions was, I want to understand

51:24

being sexy. All right. Like, what does

51:27

it mean? What are some habits that

51:29

we can all use to try and figure out

51:31

how can we be a little sexy in our

51:33

lives? Like, you know, you're talking about silk smitha

51:35

and you're talking about being, you know, a global

51:37

sex symbol. What does that mean for us? What

51:39

can we take away and say, how can we

51:41

be sexy in our life? So

51:43

this is a very, very, um, I

51:46

feel like a contradictory, contradictory thing

51:48

to say, because I believed

51:51

it that I was for a while. And then

51:53

I lost myself. So I didn't believe that I

51:56

was, but I had to, it was my fight.

51:58

So I had to believe to convince myself. that

52:00

I was that person. What

52:02

I've realized is it's

52:04

just an empowerment thing.

52:06

I feel sexy in the

52:08

sorry today. I got on

52:10

a plane like this. Today was the first time

52:13

I've ever flown on a plane in a sorry

52:15

and I felt good. I

52:17

can wear, most of the time

52:19

I'm in men's clothes. I shop more in

52:21

the men's department than I do in the

52:24

women's. I wear oversized clothes but I still

52:26

feel it's an internal thing. And

52:28

it's not just about feeling sexy, it's just about feeling

52:31

beautiful, self worthy, whatever

52:33

it is, which I know sounds crazy coming from someone

52:35

that just said that they didn't feel all these things

52:37

for so long. Maybe

52:40

it's because from a young age, my mom,

52:42

my grandmothers, both would, all three of them

52:44

would be like, Chantuca, why are you walking

52:46

out of the house like this? Where's your

52:48

earrings? Where, why is your hair like that?

52:51

It, it, that is putting yourself

52:53

first. It's not about

52:55

impressing anyone else. It's how do you want

52:57

to represent yourself? And if

52:59

you ask any of my friends in LA

53:02

or Australia anywhere, if you ask them who's

53:04

your best dressed friend, they'd always say me.

53:06

And it's not because I'm wearing the best

53:08

clothes. I didn't have designer stuff growing up.

53:10

I didn't, you know, but I made

53:13

an effort to make myself

53:15

presentable, to feel good. Cause

53:18

you start convincing yourself. It's that self talk. I

53:20

am beautiful. I'm worthy. I'm this. When I walk

53:22

out of the house, this

53:24

is also crazy. I was so

53:28

insecure for

53:30

a time where I, until

53:34

I walk out of the house, I'm

53:36

like, wow, you look great today. Chantuca, your

53:38

makeup looks fantastic. You did great hair today.

53:40

I do my own makeup for films usually

53:43

because no one does make up the way I do. So

53:45

imagine stool, people

53:48

telling you that you're worthy of doing your own makeup on

53:50

a film and you're walking out of

53:52

the house. The moment you step out of your safe

53:54

zone, do I

53:56

look good? I should've done my makeup this way.

53:58

Oh, my hair's not good. Oh. Oh, should I

54:00

have worn this outfit? Oh,

54:03

my arms are too fat. Oh, this,

54:06

it was an automatic thing that

54:08

went on. Like the moment

54:10

my door shut behind me, I

54:13

didn't even have to see anyone. If

54:16

that's comfort left. And

54:18

then I stopped believing in myself. Something

54:20

as little as your outer presence, your outer

54:23

beauty. I didn't believe, I didn't

54:25

even believe that. Some people fake it, can fake it. And

54:27

you can tell. You know, you can

54:29

tell when someone's not comfortable in an outfit or

54:31

comfortable in their hair or makeup, whatever. I

54:34

still have those internal battles. I

54:37

still, like for example, today I have to

54:39

attend an event and I suffer from psoriasis

54:42

and eczema. And I have a patch

54:44

on my leg where I'm like, should I wear that outfit? And

54:46

I've been planning this outfit. Like I've wanted to wear

54:49

this outfit for months. For

54:52

months, when I tell you for months and I'm worried

54:54

about what someone else might say about my little patch

54:56

of eczema on my back. But

55:00

it's just being proud of yourself.

55:02

You don't have to wear the

55:04

most expensive things. You don't

55:06

have to wear the best things. It's just that

55:09

empowerment. And I think because the manifestation

55:12

and the truly believing it, that I'm

55:14

sexy, I'm beautiful. It's

55:16

still, that voice was still there. The

55:19

other noises became louder. But

55:21

what you said is very important, which is that you have to

55:23

put in the work. You have to dress up. You have to

55:26

put a little effort in to make you feel

55:28

like you've done something special. It is. People

55:32

might think it's little. It's actually

55:34

not. It can change the entire

55:36

trajectory of your day. It's

55:39

little things where, and I'm sure people can turn

55:41

around and be like, oh, she has time to

55:43

do this or time to do that. I do

55:45

everything myself. I do my own hair. I do

55:47

my own makeup. I don't remember the last time

55:49

someone did my glam. I do

55:51

not allow people to do my stuff. I do

55:53

everything myself. Because that also goes back to how

55:55

I want to make sure I feel 100%. Because

55:58

if someone does something, But I don't like, it's

56:01

gonna show, it's gonna show on camera, it's gonna show

56:03

on my walk, it's gonna show on my

56:05

behavior, it's gonna show on everything. I've

56:07

always faked it till I made it in the sense

56:10

of I didn't have money

56:12

when I moved to LA, but I was walking

56:14

red carpets for network television

56:16

shows in outfits

56:19

that cost me like $5, but

56:21

I had to wear it like it was a $5,000 outfit. My

56:26

wedding, I wore

56:29

a $5 rack dress from Forever

56:31

21 that was on sale and I bought

56:33

a pair of shoes for $3 from like

56:35

a secondhand store. My wedding outfit cost me

56:37

less than $10 US. And

56:42

I had to walk into that courtroom

56:45

and feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world and

56:47

I was about to get married and it was the greatest day of

56:49

my life. I've had to do this so

56:51

many times in my life, which is why I think I've

56:54

been able to embody that presence.

56:58

That's the one thing I will say that no

57:01

matter what has happened in my life, I know

57:03

that I walk into a room and I command

57:06

attention and it's not my outer being, it's

57:08

that internal power, that little

57:11

girl's power is actually much stronger than

57:13

I give it reasoning

57:15

or recognition for. That

57:18

power is not

57:20

about how you dress. Again,

57:22

you can wear a paper bag. It's

57:26

that I did this, I'm this person,

57:28

I'm powerful. Again,

57:30

that little, like you said, little

57:32

kid's eyes, what we feel when

57:34

we're that level,

57:37

we have to keep maintaining that. We

57:40

have to keep stressing to ourselves that

57:42

that is the most important voice, not

57:44

the voices that we have today because

57:46

these voices that we have today are

57:48

influenced by friends, peers, Instagram, this, that,

57:50

this, that, the media. So

57:53

many things. So

57:55

many things. We're,

57:57

this is really stupid, but there

57:59

was a time. time, like two years ago, I just

58:02

got out of a relationship. And it

58:04

was like, before I met my last guy

58:07

I was dating. And

58:09

you know, I live in LA where we

58:11

wear whatever we want, you know, but I'm not, I'm

58:14

conservative to a certain level, like I will

58:16

show skin, but not like, I'm

58:18

not gonna go to the club in a bikini, you know, certain things. But

58:21

again, my friends dress like that. It's LA,

58:23

like, that's how people dress. I

58:26

used to come home. I literally

58:30

remember telling my therapist this saying,

58:33

am I not attractive? Like, why are you guys not talking

58:35

to me? They're talking to my friends that are like, dressed

58:38

in a little less clothes than I

58:40

am. Do I have to dress like that? But

58:42

I don't dress like that. That's not me. But

58:44

that moment I've walked out of my

58:46

safe zone, my fourth, my four walls,

58:49

that's the thought that goes in. They're

58:51

not talking to me because of this,

58:53

you're not getting attention. This, because

58:56

I just didn't believe that I

58:58

had everything. My intellect is

59:00

more important. My heart is more important.

59:03

For me till today, the greatest compliment that anyone

59:06

ever gives me is that oh my god, you're

59:08

actually such a nice person. Because

59:10

I'm trying to break that taboo of if you

59:12

look like this, you can't, there's nothing inside, you're

59:14

empty, you're a bimbo. I

59:16

actually have when I come into a room, I'm

59:19

coming in with a full deck of cards. And

59:21

people don't know that. People

59:23

don't know that I have a story to

59:25

tell. I'm doing good in the world. I

59:28

have lots to share. I have scars. I

59:30

have battle wounds. But

59:33

I have a great heart. And

59:36

I think that is my sexiness today. I

59:39

love it. That is my sexiness today.

59:41

That I am

59:43

just a fruit salad of

59:45

all these different things. And

59:48

that's why I can be the first Chandrya Ka but not

59:50

the last. I want

59:52

anyone to walk in their light tomorrow and

59:55

be like, I decided to put my makeup

59:57

on or I decided to wear a better

59:59

outfit for myself. not for someone else

1:00:01

because that's when we lose ourselves. For me

1:00:03

and for that younger Chandrika, I love it. This

1:00:07

is a beautiful place to end the podcast. Thank you

1:00:09

so much for coming. Thank you so much for having

1:00:11

me. It has been really

1:00:13

cathartic. I

1:00:17

thought it would be heavier, but I think because I'm ready.

1:00:19

I think so. I was like a mini therapy

1:00:21

session. It was. It was. Thank

1:00:23

you so, so much for having me. My pleasure. Thank you. You've

1:00:26

been incredible. Thank

1:00:30

you.