0:09

So I'm this. Is Frank Skinner an absolute

0:11

right there? with Emily Dean and Piano

0:13

Valley You Can Texas show on a

0:15

twelve fifteen following Sunday. And

0:18

Instagram Frank on the

0:20

Radio email via Frank

0:23

at Absolute radio.com.u. K

0:25

O O O.

0:28

We were just talking

0:30

about what's it called?

0:32

The Traitors? Yes, recent

0:34

called traitors. Is culture as

0:36

the traitors. I don't know. You

0:38

say that The great danger of being

0:40

the old a. D. J

0:42

is boring these on the front

0:44

of times that don't have friends.

0:47

True the few last one of

0:49

the big scenes you can comey

0:51

and social media website people saying

0:54

the facebook entirely I've never gotten

0:56

that bad but term. You know

0:58

find some the to talk. To my

1:01

my. My. Loads

1:04

of followers are three things

1:06

are said. A lovely. Card

1:08

from Andy. would you know of Bronte?

1:11

can try Rise Hills or Law and

1:13

he said they can you believe this?

1:15

He sent me a Doctor Who pocket

1:18

watch for my birthday which is tomorrow.

1:20

I'll light that also. While

1:23

got a gala. Ryan:

1:25

I'm itching so. Oh

1:28

I can't make a nice to

1:30

get his. Be a fool

1:32

thing, I'm. Asking for me

1:35

and. Idols are certain Mate

1:37

not satisfied with that. He sent

1:39

me a wooden spoon with a

1:41

dollar County and and Eleventh Doctor's

1:43

Sonic Screwdriver theme spoke it says

1:46

bowl for I always liked to

1:48

call them are uncivil spoon and

1:50

that is you know a spoon

1:53

with a fork he be a

1:55

new in. so just to recap siegel

1:57

to wooden spoon with a dollar co on it

2:00

I'm happy with that. I'll

2:03

be used because they

2:05

are stirrers, the

2:07

Daleks. They're

2:10

less stirrers. That suggests

2:13

they're sort of Machiavellian, aren't they?

2:15

Just straightforward aggression. Daleks

2:18

last night actually, the

2:21

Christopher Eccleston episode.

2:23

My son said to me the other day,

2:26

my 11-year-old, Bas, something...

2:30

When I think of a list of things that people

2:32

have said to me, many of them obscene,

2:35

but when I think of a list and one sort of

2:37

giving me tremendous

2:42

excitement, Bas said to me, you

2:44

know, I think I'd like to

2:46

watch more Doctor Who. So that

2:48

was good news. Did

2:53

he know the scale of what was inside that

2:55

box he was opening? Probably

2:58

not, but we got

3:00

through nearly three episodes

3:02

last night. Which era

3:05

was it? It was Eccleston. We went

3:07

deep. We went... That's

3:09

one of the... That's one

3:11

that would lure me in. Well, it's 2005, which I know

3:14

was yesterday, but he's actually 20... It was a long time

3:22

ago. The ones that I

3:24

struggled with... I don't like the math. The

3:27

ones I struggle with a bit, Franklin, when it

3:29

gets very black and white and grainy. Oh, no.

3:32

And he doesn't start talking like that. It's

3:34

all about stories. I don't mind people talking

3:36

like that. I

3:40

listen, here's a thing. What do you make

3:42

of this? I

3:44

had a text from Johnny

3:48

Donkin, who is my

3:51

tour manager, and Pierre's tour manager

3:53

this week. Yes. Lovely

3:55

Johnny. And Johnny Donkin sent

3:58

me... I met some elastin.

4:00

a joke and

4:02

he sent back come ha ha ha. You know

4:04

when people do that we talk. So when I

4:06

first got one of those I thought alright

4:09

and then I realised it

4:11

is them saying I'm laughing.

4:14

But then I sent him a

4:17

text I meant to send to my

4:21

partner which said do you mind

4:26

putting the liver in. And

4:33

I think I might have

4:35

to come back to this.

4:37

It wasn't a you for

4:42

me it was an actual I

4:44

was just pre-lung. So

4:51

anyway I accidentally sent that text to my

4:53

two man and he said can you put

4:55

the liver in. And

5:00

he said to me something

5:02

like he came back and

5:04

said well I've had stranger requests.

5:08

And I said sorry not. You know when you said not for

5:10

you. And I said

5:15

sorry I got confused. In previous texts as

5:17

I said have been ha ha ha. I

5:19

said sorry I got confused

5:21

but as you can imagine I get quite

5:24

a lot of ha ha ha. He

5:27

didn't say that. Why oh

5:30

my god.

5:32

I love

5:35

it. When I went cat or I just get ha. My cat standards.

5:41

It's my partner is

5:44

standing out of action. Is that how you pronounce

5:47

it in your

5:49

mind? Or is it a ha?

5:51

I think

5:54

it's probably some exasperation. I think

5:56

we still get to master. the

6:00

art of showing appreciation at

6:02

a joke via sort

6:04

of digital communication. It always sounds

6:07

incredibly insincere to me. Well

6:09

there's the ha-ha sort of

6:11

logo thing that comes, oh

6:13

okay. The reaction, yeah. You see

6:15

Frank, I've got to be honest, you do sound

6:17

very funny texts and

6:20

I never know what to put. Well

6:23

a woman stopped me in the street, I

6:25

think I was just getting into the tour

6:28

car. I remember right, a woman stopped me

6:30

in the street and said are you the

6:32

world's funniest comedian? And

6:34

the reason she'd said that is because

6:37

I was on the front of the

6:39

Times and it had a picture of

6:41

me and said underneath nobody's funnier than

6:43

me. I think

6:45

I was making a point about the level of

6:47

self-confidence you need to get up on stage and

6:50

just think this is going to be fine. But

6:54

I think you should threaten that. I mean

6:57

basically I was really just giving

6:59

up my internal thoughts, never a good

7:01

idea. It made you look like a

7:03

certain type of columnist. Well

7:05

it was a nice article

7:08

in the Times to be fair and one

7:10

of my favorite ever reviews which I don't

7:12

know if I'd ever put on a poster

7:14

but I was very happy with it. I

7:17

wrote this down he said that Frank

7:19

Skinner, someone who just cannot resist rattling

7:21

is marot. I know

7:25

and I had to look it up I'll

7:27

be honest but a marot is that thing

7:29

that would gesture us with a head

7:31

on the end of it. You know we're going to

7:33

rattly. Yeah it's like a mini version of their own

7:35

heads. Exactly. I love that because I

7:37

do think there's something quite medieval about you.

7:39

Yeah it's my teeth.

7:47

But anyway I want to come to this

7:49

article before we go too far down that

7:52

road. East says I'm going

7:54

to read this out actually. Sorry this is the

7:56

article about you this week in the Times. In

7:58

the Times yeah. I

8:00

don't want this to be all me,

8:02

me, me. Don't think that for a

8:04

second. No, we wouldn't. No. That's

8:07

a very high tier. Yeah,

8:09

the Frank Skinner radio show. But Pierre

8:11

gets a message, right? A mention. A

8:14

mention, rather. Yeah. So

8:16

this is what it says. Go

8:18

on. He's talking about, he likes the radio show

8:20

a lot. He says it's

8:22

peerless. Mm. But

8:25

I'm right here. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

8:28

Oh. Oh. Peerless,

8:30

I see. Yeah. Nicely.

8:34

Anyway, it said, discussing automatic

8:36

cars this month, he

8:38

said he was no longer a manual

8:41

gear stick person. That's what I said.

8:43

Yes, you did say that. I can

8:45

confirm. Right. I think I

8:48

might do this in one solid

8:50

lump after the break, because it's

8:53

an elaborate point. And

8:55

I don't want to make it more

8:58

difficult by having a sort of trapeze

9:00

swing. I understand. In

9:02

between. In between. Mm. What's

9:05

not you, isn't that? In between. Well,

9:08

my son, he's 11, but he still has the

9:10

odd, like, moody moments. Is he

9:12

an inbattini? Mm-hmm.

9:15

Inbattina, because

9:17

he's in between being a child and a teen,

9:19

eh? Oh. He's

9:22

in a thin way of Pierre was

9:24

looking at me there with this. Not

9:26

disdain, disgust. Bring

9:29

in on absolute radio. So,

9:34

yes, let's get this done. So, this was the

9:36

quote. So, it says that

9:38

on the show, this is what

9:40

it said in the Times, discussing

9:42

automatic cars this month, he, that's

9:44

me, said he was no longer

9:46

a manual gear stick person. He's

9:49

co-host Pierre Novelli in

9:51

the Times. Oh, lovely. Mm-hmm. Who

9:54

accompanies him on the tour. Oh,

9:56

the plonks. He

9:59

said this sounded like... someone who was

10:01

half Spanish and half Icelandic.

10:04

Do you get it? Immanuel

10:06

Geostick. Manuel. Yeah,

10:09

that Manuel Geostick

10:12

person. Skinner

10:14

is not only witty but the cause

10:16

of witty in others. So in my

10:18

own article Pierre Echter jokes had

10:21

high praise for it. It

10:23

wasn't quite how I remembered it. No,

10:26

I agree with that. We talked about this in the

10:28

little tour guide. I was just loving that you just

10:30

read out something and it was just Skinner and it's

10:32

not only witty. Cause

10:34

of witty in others. Yeah. Like

10:37

a sort of salvation. What are

10:39

you suggesting that he's

10:42

been misquoted a bit? Well I said

10:44

I'm no longer a Manuel Geostick person

10:46

and Pierre said that sounded

10:48

like someone who's half Spanish and half Icelandic.

10:51

Well let's have a listen. I'm

10:55

a Manuel Gearbox person myself. OK.

10:58

But also man. He's done a Spanish night.

11:01

Emmanuel Gearbox person. Manuel

11:03

Gearbox person. Half

11:06

Spanish, half Scandinavian. Manuel Gearbox

11:08

person. Gearbox

11:11

person. Manuel. Manuel. Hellbox.

11:13

It's son of Gearbox person.

11:16

Yeah. Just

11:19

clearing that off. So um... The

11:25

paper of record. That loop. Point

11:27

the facts. Oh no he

11:30

didn't. I'm on the

11:32

cover. Moving on. I'm

11:35

on the cover of um... Sarga

11:37

Maggi in this mug. Frank!

11:40

Frank I like this well funniest man but

11:42

it said there was no one funnier than

11:44

me. Did you have

11:47

your arms folded? There was one funnier than me and I've got

11:49

the audio evidence. Yeah. Did

11:53

you have your arms folded in that picture as

11:55

well? Columnist style. Um... No.

11:57

I look genial. That's

12:00

my new love, Gina. Anyway,

12:04

that was that. We've

12:09

had a laugh this week now, me and

12:11

Pierre and Johnny Dodkin. We've been on the

12:13

road. Oh, yeah. How's it

12:15

been going lads on tour? Yeah,

12:18

it's been very fine,

12:20

I would say. Have you done any

12:22

cathedrals yet? We've done, yeah. We

12:24

did Salisbury Cathedral. We did. Oh.

12:28

I think there's a church in Salisbury. How

12:30

is that? Quite notorious, that one, isn't it?

12:32

Yeah. Is it? Well, the

12:34

Russians. The Russians. Do you remember?

12:38

Just to see the cathedral. Oh,

12:40

I don't remember that. Okay. But

12:43

there's a nicer church than the

12:45

cathedral called St Thomas's. Okay. Where

12:48

they have fabulous Doom,

12:51

medieval doom painting. And

12:54

I walked out of there. We went in.

12:57

It was great. Brilliant church. I'd

12:59

recommend it. And free on the right of

13:01

the cathedral. And I walked out.

13:05

And there was a real thump against

13:07

my ankle. I thought someone had thrown

13:10

a cricket ball at me or something.

13:13

And I looked down and a rat had

13:15

run into my foot. Yeah. A

13:18

rat was sort of slightly dazed in a sort

13:20

of a, oh, sorry, everyone. I can't stop. Kind

13:22

of a lie. I've got a lot of thought.

13:25

Yeah, I've laid for a very important, like a

13:27

rat. Sort of slightly, oh, oh, God, sorry. Sorry,

13:30

everyone. And then off

13:32

it went again. But it really

13:34

walloped up. The fookets run into by a

13:36

rat. They avoid people. That's

13:40

what they do. They don't run into

13:42

them. Well, not Roland, right? He gravitates

13:44

towards the show bin. No. But

13:49

of all the things I expected to happen in

13:51

Souls Creek, to be run into

13:53

by a rat was not on my

13:56

list. Frank,

14:03

Ruth Jordan has been in touch. R.J.

14:07

I can't believe Emily said there was something

14:09

medieval about Frank and then he went and

14:11

proved it by being run into by a

14:13

rat. Yeah, it was outside

14:15

a church with a medieval doom

14:17

painting. You should have seen the

14:20

doom painting, it's got heaven and

14:22

hell on it and you go

14:24

to your various places. And

14:26

hell has got basically a

14:28

big fish eating people, that's how they've

14:31

got hell. Heaven

14:33

is a spa resort. People

14:35

have been lovely like showers in there. Hello,

14:37

would you like to come through now please?

14:41

People in robes, that's what

14:44

there is. Well, as we know

14:46

Frank, wearing the robe is sort

14:48

of your idea of

14:50

hell really. Yes, I'm not

14:52

into the robes. So

14:54

we were on the road

14:57

this week, me and Pierre, and

15:02

we were in a service station, we stopped

15:04

for a coffee. And

15:09

a woman came over, what was that, was

15:11

it Costa we were in? Yeah,

15:14

we were in Costa's zone

15:17

of influence. They have those areas

15:20

of chairs and service stations. Yeah,

15:23

you might have accidentally gone into Harry

15:25

Ramsden. It's like

15:27

post-war Berlin, this is the zone for Costa.

15:30

Yeah, but it's not clearly done. I don't

15:32

know if you get into trouble for sitting.

15:36

I went with Omar into a services once

15:38

and he said we're eating the services. And

15:41

then I realised he got the

15:43

own food. You know

15:45

the own food thing. He just

15:47

got all these top away boxes out

15:49

of these fabulous collies and things.

15:52

Yeah, and then Harry Ramsden himself sat

15:54

down and said, where'd you buy that?

15:57

What would he say? Where

16:00

did you buy that? Is

16:02

he Yorkshire Ramsden? I don't know. Is Harry Ramsden

16:04

a real person or was it just a far

16:06

outside name? Oh no, it was the pictures of

16:08

him. I know it doesn't mean anything but there

16:10

are pictures of Harry Ramsden. He's done well, Chris

16:12

L. If the Colonel was a real person, Harry

16:14

Ramsden better have been a real person. The Colonel

16:16

definitely was a real person. I've been to his

16:18

grave. I've seen the mini-series. I've

16:21

heard that I'll never tell you what's in that

16:23

recipe. So

16:25

anyway, she says, what are you doing here?

16:27

This woman said to me and I said,

16:29

I'm on tour at the moment. She

16:31

said, oh, are you

16:33

doing small places? Well,

16:39

that was after, to be fair, you

16:41

said that we were on our way

16:43

to Bridgeport. I know. But her surprise

16:45

was... Oh, Bridgeport is another one. What

16:47

about this? We got into the electric

16:49

palace in Bridgeport and the lay de-greeted

16:51

us and

16:54

said, oh, welcome to the electric palace.

16:56

I hope you like ghosts. I

17:00

just wanted to walk straight back out of here. I

17:02

said, don't tell me anything. What was

17:04

your... No stories, nothing. What was your

17:06

childhood wish, Frank? My

17:08

childhood wish was always, I hope

17:11

to never see here or

17:14

have anything to do with a ghost.

17:16

That was my regular wish. And

17:20

now these years later in Bridgeport

17:22

of all places. Rats and ghosts.

17:24

And I said, don't tell me

17:27

about ghosts. She

17:29

said, there's none on this floor. I

17:31

just don't tell me anything. Ortra,

17:35

when did they say... When

17:37

have they been restricted to floors,

17:39

ghosts? The ghost of a darling. Yes, I

17:41

like the idea that they say, sorry, excuse me,

17:43

you're strictly second floor ghost. Yeah,

17:45

exactly. Have you stopped them

17:48

when they can go through a brick? Oh,

17:52

it did that. When Pierre was

17:54

on stage, it made me tense in the

17:56

dress room on my own. Yeah. Skinner

18:00

on absolute radio. So,

18:05

yes, we went to one

18:07

of our gigs with Salisbury. Yes.

18:10

So we went to the Cathedral of Core. They've

18:13

got you know, you have an

18:15

infinity pool. You know, an hotel's

18:18

very proud of their infinity pool.

18:20

You know, the pool, no edge.

18:22

Yes. Funny. What

18:25

they have in Bridgeport? No, they

18:27

didn't. But in what they had

18:29

in Salisbury

18:31

Cathedral was a sort of infinity font.

18:33

Yeah. So they had a big modern

18:36

font that had no end on it

18:38

like that. It was sort of constantly

18:40

spilling. Yeah. The surface of it was

18:42

so perfectly flat that our guide explained

18:45

that tourists regularly mistake it for a

18:47

sort of polished stone table. Put

18:50

a bag on it. Just drop their

18:52

font into it. Yeah. I think it's

18:54

a table. Which I wish

18:56

had happened while we were there. Oh, I

18:58

do. So it's a sort of a you

19:00

can baptise with it, but it's also a

19:02

prank table. I think that's

19:04

a combination of it isn't it's

19:06

not worked enough. Yeah. I'm going

19:08

to give you a guess. An

19:11

Emily Dean guessing moment. There

19:14

is someone buried in

19:16

Salisbury Cathedral. And this I think

19:19

you'll get this. I'm fairly confident.

19:22

This is a strap line. You know,

19:24

you get a strap line on your

19:27

drive stone. Bill

19:29

Matter, as I used to call it in the musical.

19:31

I like what you call it. Epidoc strap line. So

19:35

this was his... Don. This was his

19:38

Bill Matter. You know Bill Matter. I've

19:40

said things like I

19:42

was looking at Don Black's. Let

19:45

me see if I can find this. The

19:48

lyricist from a porn-free... The lyricist, yeah. But

19:50

he was a comedian originally.

19:53

Don Black. And a

19:56

friend of mine, Harry sent a picture,

19:59

a post. of his when he

20:01

was at the Aspen Hippodrome and

20:03

it says it's got some

20:06

of the things that says things like the

20:09

fabulous Mandrake and his Bill Matters

20:11

the bill matters the thing underneath

20:13

his bill matter is the

20:16

man who manufactures nudes

20:22

Your bill matter would be there's no

20:24

one funnier than him probably

20:29

it's quite a bill this because

20:32

anyway there's Ford and Sheen and

20:34

it says underneath

20:36

it says strips and screams

20:41

but Don Black's bill matter

20:43

was direct from the club

20:45

Panama anyway

20:49

this bill matter on the

20:51

gravestone is and

20:53

I'm confident you'll get this it

20:56

was politician

20:59

musician sailor

21:03

oh okay you

21:05

know what I think we should do I think

21:07

we should let our readers think about this but

21:09

you know what they'll do they'll Google no Google

21:12

they can't watch them it's

21:15

not a solid core reader the

21:17

further you get from the tree

21:19

trunk the further away from Pretorian

21:21

guard I

21:25

want to think about this I want to come out with

21:28

the right answer I don't have one instantly in my head

21:31

I thought you'd just go hah oh

21:34

really no it's not on our heart for me hahaha okay

21:40

well I think as they say up north

21:42

think on absolute

21:44

radio I

21:51

know I asked before the

21:54

break about there is a grave in Salisbury

21:56

Cathedral and then a

22:00

bill matter on is politician

22:03

musician sailor it's

22:05

not Captain Crunch yeah no

22:08

no all are sure

22:10

that's going to sure get Captain Crunch

22:12

from the grocery store he's

22:14

of course buried in a big bowl

22:17

of milk yeah but I think he

22:19

settled a bit so

22:21

the coffee looks like it's

22:23

only like a third full

22:26

I guess this successfully your prayer you'll

22:29

have to do you did immediately the

22:31

same yeah I know it took me

22:33

a few minutes I don't know why I was going

22:35

down a more modern route and

22:37

then I thought of course our

22:40

readers though they were straight to it

22:42

it's it's peak then we've

22:44

had everyone from 415 all greats Frank to

22:47

794 getting in touch it

22:52

is of course without even looking

22:54

at Google I knew that it was Ted well

22:57

done guys

23:01

well when I first started work

23:04

we went through a period of

23:06

only working for

23:08

two days a week because

23:10

there was power cuts and the

23:12

country and the areas had to

23:14

divide when they had electricity I

23:18

know and I

23:20

remember the labor the local

23:22

labor bloke in a by-election

23:25

used the slogan vote for Ted

23:27

have three days in bed and

23:29

I thought oh

23:31

I mean that's extraordinary very not a

23:33

bug but a feature

23:49

hmm I went to Everton West Brom

23:52

Goodison Park and it was on a

23:54

Sunday I think it's one of the

23:56

first football matches ever played on a

23:59

Sunday in because that was

24:01

when they had their electricity not on the

24:03

Saturday and then it turned

24:05

out there was a law

24:08

that you couldn't charge people to

24:10

see a football match on a

24:12

Sunday and so

24:14

what they did they had a

24:16

little photocopied team sheet that

24:19

you had to buy for the ticket price

24:21

to get in but of course looking

24:24

back any one of us could have said

24:26

no I don't want a team sheet thanks

24:28

I'm just going in for free but now

24:30

telling anybody at the guts what just go

24:33

to panic yeah what I

24:35

like is a lot of people

24:37

have when they sent in the

24:39

Ted Heath answer hmm they've put

24:42

the Ted in parentheses they've said

24:44

it is Edward brackets Ted

24:46

yes no very brackets

24:48

Ted I suppose he was

24:51

very Edward but everybody called him Ted Heath

24:53

and also it was like it also spoon

24:56

arises to head teeth which is a

24:58

very good summary of what he's caricatured

25:02

like the Americans Teddy's a much better name

25:05

now I think it was that was around

25:07

the time of Teddy Kennedy

25:09

was it was a bit yeah

25:12

you know goldfish in the rearview mirror musician

25:15

it used to play here the organ

25:21

I think the church yeah the musician right I

25:24

think he was really good

25:29

actually I

25:32

think you can have gone on with rat

25:34

in all dicks and in his mighty world

25:42

it's the gate our ballroom that was

25:44

the name of

25:46

it by the way I think I would

25:48

have gone very well yeah ratchet oh he's

25:50

one of those looks he's to rise out

25:52

the ground playing it's already

25:54

playing and he wasn't he wasn't it he

25:57

didn't come on and say hello he was

25:59

discovered I mean, it's

26:01

fantastic. Like he'd

26:03

applied even if he hadn't come up from under

26:05

the salary, they just applied down there. Right,

26:08

quick question. Are you both on in

26:10

Buryson Edmonds at some point? I believe

26:12

you are. Because Ian Howe says...

26:15

I think that's just me. It's a bit of

26:17

you brought up a bit of an awkward thing.

26:19

Oh God. I can't go to Buryson Edmonds.

26:21

Secret ground. I've got some

26:23

fire. That's when Cass says to me,

26:25

when I reminisce about some geek. Yes,

26:27

I think that was a different girlfriend.

26:34

Frank Skinner on Absolute

26:36

Radio. We've

26:41

referenced Buryson Edmonds, Frank. Yes,

26:43

yes. Because you have got a gig.

26:45

I'm doing some geeks song support. Okay.

26:48

But only the next, only

26:51

next week and then it's me and

26:53

Pierre all the way till mid-June. Dream

26:55

Team. So Ian Howe has

26:57

got in touch to say, as

27:00

you are going to be in Buryson Edmonds,

27:02

do make sure you check out the Doctor

27:04

Who exhibition at Moyes Hall Museum

27:06

when you're in Buryson Edmonds. I've

27:08

been to Moyes Hall. I was

27:10

there not so long ago and

27:12

they had a sort of urban

27:16

street art

27:18

exhibition, which I wasn't expecting.

27:22

And then they

27:24

had some terrible

27:27

torturing implements exhibition.

27:30

Okay. And all that stuff.

27:32

It almost changes. I used to put

27:34

dead bodies in. Gibbet.

27:37

Yeah, Gibbet. Yeah, they did Gibbet. It's

27:39

quite funny when they try to be

27:42

sort of horrible histories, whimsical about them.

27:44

They're horrible objects. Yeah, it was. It

27:47

always smells of gum a bit and I don't like

27:49

it. It's like London Dungeons. So they sort of go,

27:51

oh, and we'd have pulled off your fingers and you

27:53

go, oh. It was

27:55

good. It's bad. I'd never heard of

27:57

that place, but it was a good place. Anyway,

28:00

Ian continues. I mean, they did

28:02

their horrible exhibition very well. Yeah.

28:04

Ian continues. It's

28:07

only five minutes from the theatre. I

28:09

know it. I've been there. Okay.

28:11

Okay. Just bear with. It's

28:14

only five minutes from the theatre. Have

28:16

a great evening. And then

28:18

Ian signs off, do well, as

28:20

they say in Suffolk. Do well.

28:22

Oh, you make us do well. Do well.

28:24

I quite like it. Let's try it out.

28:26

Imagine if I said, okay, see you soon, Frank. Oh,

28:30

yeah, good to see you. Do well. I

28:32

don't like it. Okay. Would you

28:34

say do well in Suffolk for anything, or is

28:36

it about the fact that you're there to do

28:38

a gig or to go do something? I think

28:40

it just means live life to the whole. Do

28:44

well, Breckett. I remember your great friend

28:46

Adrian Charles once, we were all out

28:48

somewhere. I said, oh, bye, Adrian. And

28:51

you went, all right, mind how you go. Yeah, mind how

28:53

you go. Mind how you go. Mind how you go. It

28:56

would have been if you hadn't lived in Poshole

28:58

Hagley. Mind how you

29:00

go. Well, I always

29:02

find that a bit threatening, mind how you

29:05

go. I've been... I've been going to find

29:07

a slimer from Ghostbusters. Mind

29:09

how you go. Oh, very fine. Oh, it's

29:11

not been enough in the times again. I've been...

29:14

Yeah. I've been for a time as well. As long as they

29:16

don't credit me with that one. Yeah. I'm

29:20

instructing my solicitors. Dessert.

29:24

Dessert. So when I have

29:26

me lunch at home, I

29:28

sit and watch the TV

29:31

alone. What do you have it for? Well, it

29:33

depends. Often I watch, you know, the

29:35

matter of the day that I miss lunch. And when

29:37

I like to picture your lunch, you come downstairs,

29:39

you look up. Liver

29:41

in the oven. You make yourself... Liver

29:44

in the oven, I know, I know.

29:47

So you make yourself a light

29:49

lunch, a light bite. You might

29:51

have a, you know, a fish cake and

29:53

cheese sandwich. Extraordinary.

29:55

Hard example. And

29:58

then what I've been watching... with

30:01

tremendous enthusiasm to say is

30:03

Elizabeth R. Oh, I love

30:05

that. Or as they say

30:07

in the black country, Elizabeth R. And

30:12

with Glenda Jackson as Elizabeth I. You

30:16

know why? Brilliant. Absolutely. And

30:18

I bet your parents knew

30:20

almost everyone in me. Everyone.

30:23

And look, don't get me started on

30:25

backstage. And she's probably my

30:27

mightiest celebrity crush ever, Glenda Jackson.

30:29

Yes, I love that you loved

30:31

her. Even like with the

30:34

slightly shaved head of Elizabeth I, she

30:37

looks even better anyway. So

30:40

yeah, I think it's on the catch

30:43

up. I would like

30:45

to put forward for TV suggestions

30:47

from the 70s, I,

30:49

Claudius as well. I, Claudius. What

30:52

I like about I, Claudius is it

30:54

sounds a bit like a shop. Like

30:56

I, Samuel. Yeah. Yeah.

31:00

It's yourself, Roman jewelry. I

31:03

got this toga at I,

31:05

Claudius. On sale.

31:08

Ian Claudius. It's the island of

31:10

I, Claudius. You

31:15

like I, Carly? Yes. Yeah.

31:18

Can you live with two shows called I, Carly

31:20

and I, Claudius? Both being

31:22

I.C, sort of I, Commissary.

31:25

And they're so different. What

31:35

happened to Jedwood? I think

31:38

they've been locked away for their own

31:40

safety, haven't they? They always seem such

31:42

nice lads, Jedwood. You know when you

31:44

say, I remember saying

31:47

to a well-known comedian once, when

31:49

I think of you, you're always

31:51

in a toilet doing cocaine. And

31:54

he took exception to it. You know,

31:56

when you think of people, you picture

31:58

them in a certain context. Do you

32:00

get that? I think of you probably reading

32:03

Pierre. Yeah. I'll tell you how I think of you.

32:05

I think I may have told you this. Go on.

32:08

Uh, buckle up. No,

32:10

I think this is quite nice. I

32:12

think of you walking over one of

32:14

the London bridges with

32:17

a scarf, looking a bit

32:19

Beckettian, a bit Samuel Beckett slash

32:21

George Orwell. Right. Um,

32:24

just, yeah, that's how I think of you.

32:26

Just braving the element. I like that.

32:28

Maybe carrying a bird. One of the

32:30

London bridges. Mmm, that's good. Well, um,

32:32

when I think of Jedwood, they're leapfrogging.

32:35

Yeah, they are impish. Yeah,

32:38

they are. I think they're the

32:40

sort of people that if

32:43

you had some terrible threesome with them,

32:45

one would, um, one

32:47

would lie with his head at the top.

32:49

I was telling you, what the hell? And

32:51

one would lie with his feet so he

32:53

looked 10 feet, so 15 feet tall. You

32:55

know what I mean? Right. It

32:58

would all be pranks with them. I

33:00

think Jedwood set the, set

33:02

the sort of leprechaun stereotype battle

33:04

back decades. Do you? Well,

33:07

I quite like them. They remind me.

33:09

So I hear some of the strange

33:11

areas you're going. They look to be

33:14

like the decipals with tongues and flame

33:16

on their heads. What

33:20

would you do if you'd seen them in the

33:22

doom painting? Oh, that would have been terrifying. I

33:24

hope they still work. If anyone knows what happens

33:26

to Jedwood, 12, 8, um, 8, 12, 15. Speaking

33:31

of impishness. If I haven't got it

33:33

on a bit of paper. No, I know. You

33:35

were going to say something. I was going to say a

33:37

few things. 3, 9, 6. But

33:39

then we went into the Jedwoody at your

33:41

Jedwoody era. Yeah. Um, 3,

33:43

9, 6. Hi Frank.

33:46

Surely I Claudius, which FYI

33:48

was referencing, uh, pre

33:50

break. Hi Frank. Surely

33:52

I Claudius is like a normal Claudius,

33:55

but with rounded corners and sold by

33:57

Apple. Hmm. I'd love

33:59

my daughter. years. Yeah that would be good.

34:01

What would that be Frank like a Roman tablet?

34:04

I love that. Of

34:07

course I read the Roman Catholic tablet thanks

34:09

to the feet. That doesn't

34:11

count. Well Frank speaking

34:13

of impishness we as a show have

34:15

been a victim of impishness. What have

34:17

we done? We've been pranked. Have

34:20

we? We were pranked last week and we

34:22

didn't even know. What happened? I hate being

34:24

pranked. No there's nothing worse. What

34:26

happened? Well cliffhanger. I

34:30

hope this isn't someone lied to us

34:32

about something. But

34:34

to me that is like a verus

34:37

in the machine and

34:40

unforgivable. So let's see what

34:43

happened for this one. Frank Skinner.

34:45

Frank Skinner. Absolute

34:48

radio. So

34:52

regarding the way we've been pranked. Yes.

34:54

The subject line of this email was

34:56

radio deceit. A

34:58

very popular station. Yeah. I've

35:01

never listened to that. I've never

35:03

listened to that lot. Absolute hogwash.

35:06

The radio spin-off of Traitors. Traitors

35:09

and its celebration

35:11

of the darkest

35:13

sides of human

35:15

nature. You

35:19

don't like that Frank? No people

35:21

going yeah what I'm really good

35:23

at is like really manipulating people.

35:26

I'm glad you're on television being

35:28

celebrated for that. I

35:31

mean that's good. That'll be good for

35:33

society. That's responsible. Yes. Sorry

35:36

carry on. Lewis.

35:38

I know it's very popular but

35:42

we know else was very popular way back

35:44

in the 30s. Lewis

35:49

in Haddonham regarding radio

35:51

deceit. Yeah. Says dear

35:53

Frank, Emily and Pierre. Longtime podcast listener praise redacted.

35:55

I just thought you'd like to know I couldn't

35:58

help but notice a potential radio folk. par

36:00

in last week's episode. That'll

36:02

be another good station. Radio for

36:04

par. Well I think we've already

36:07

nailed it. We've tuned in. Whilst

36:10

discussing football tactics and you were saying

36:12

Frank that you've watched football your whole

36:14

life and you haven't picked up on

36:16

your own. No I've learned nothing. And

36:18

someone kind of agreed with you and

36:20

said oh yes I hear

36:22

you. They said oh yes me

36:24

neither I don't know anything about football tactics either.

36:27

While discussing football tactics. Oh I can guess what's

36:29

coming in. Did they use

36:31

the name of a football manager? They

36:33

did. You nailed it Frank. And we

36:36

missed it. It's my fault. I must have missed it. They

36:38

were purporting to be Mickey Biel in

36:40

Sunderland and as Lewis points

36:42

out Michael Biel is the much criticized Sunderland

36:44

manager. I tell you. And the message last

36:47

week followed their 1-0 loss to Hull City

36:49

on Friday night. Well they cheated with the

36:51

Mickey. Come on. That is true. That

36:53

is true. No we fell. We fell

36:55

for that. No but like if they

36:58

said Michael Arteza. I might have been

37:00

suspicious of the Arteza. But that's not

37:02

the name. How is this for a

37:04

fun sort of Poirot or detective phrase

37:07

style sentence that Lewis adds. It would

37:09

appear on this occasion the show was

37:11

caught out by a radio prankster. Possibly

37:13

a Jordy one might suggest. Well I

37:16

think it's probably a Macam

37:19

criticized in his hours. Yes I would think he

37:21

saw her own manager. But I like the idea

37:23

of Sherlock Holmes saying. Possibly

37:27

a Jordy. Yes. Yes

37:30

I'll get the what they call

37:32

the something like the Baker Street mise-under-stoods.

37:37

Oh the group. The

37:39

Irregulars. The Irregulars. Yeah.

37:41

I'm still absorbing but

37:43

you know who else is

37:45

very popular.

37:48

But anyway. Yes.

37:53

Where are. What's happening. What's

37:56

the name of this show. Who am

37:58

I. Well there are some. Did

38:00

we get anyone tracked down Jetwood by

38:03

the way? No, still missing. Oh

38:05

dear, what if they are actually missing? We'll feel

38:07

terrible. I had a few things I wanted to,

38:09

just some business I need to take care of. Would

38:11

that be alright? Well I don't think we're going to

38:14

do it now because the producer's doing that thing

38:16

of telling us time's up but it's such a

38:18

nuance. I'll tell you why, that no one's noticed

38:20

it. On the plus side, fierce

38:22

ponytail she's rocking today. I haven't looked

38:24

over my shoulder yet. I'll give it

38:26

a go. Frank

38:29

Skinner, Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

38:34

What else? Well, we've got

38:36

company. Are we going to announce our

38:38

company? We don't often get friends in. Daisy

38:41

Knight has arrived. Daisy

38:44

Knight! Daisy

38:46

used to be,

38:49

well she was the assistant producer for a

38:51

while making tea and stuff like that and

38:53

then she became the producer. Now

38:56

she has attended even further

38:58

than that. Now she's like,

39:01

at my management company she

39:03

runs radio and podcast everything.

39:06

So it's a bit like

39:09

The Royal Visits. You know what I

39:11

mean? Yeah but you know what, she's got a great look on

39:13

today. If it was a romantic

39:15

comedy, she's got The Date on the Sunday. Bare

39:18

old jumper. Oh, The Date on the

39:20

Sunday. It's The Sunday Day, maybe an ice rink. We've

39:26

had some previously correspondence,

39:28

as we like to call it, that I'd like

39:30

to share with you, Frank. Oh yeah. If you're

39:32

okay with that? Yeah. I'm

39:34

waiting. All right. Slightly impatiently.

39:37

Not unlike you. Yes. James,

39:42

who says, refers to himself

39:44

as a 33 year old reader in

39:46

Manchester in brackets for the corporate stats.

39:49

Okay, good to know. Now, already I'm in

39:51

with James. Yes, yes. He's won us over

39:53

early. He really has. Hello Frank, Emily

39:56

Pierre, and whoever the producer is this

39:58

week. Wow. Oh,

40:01

it produces always Sarah when

40:03

she turns up. I

40:05

know, voice of controversy. Okay, I'm

40:07

sorry. Long time reader,

40:10

first time scriber. Oh, medieval.

40:13

Yeah. I saw

40:15

you two perk up. Yeah. I'm

40:17

writing to inform you all of

40:20

the influence. It's a describer. And

40:22

when you describe something, it's the

40:24

idea that you are taking

40:26

it from the written into

40:29

the visual. Of scribing. As

40:31

you describe it. Just

40:33

wondered. Just one of your cast and

40:35

friends. Just wondered. Jenny Foote is nodding

40:37

that that is... Is that true, Jenny?

40:40

It sounds right. Oh, no, it sounds

40:42

right. So is that

40:44

for the jury? It

40:47

sounds right. Is that never one

40:50

fair maiden? It

40:53

is medieval theme this morning. Fair

40:56

with a wife. Come on. What's

40:58

this? Michael? Is it Michael? Yeah,

41:01

James. I'm trying, but you keep

41:03

interrupting asking medieval questions. It's one of the

41:05

standard English male name. I'm trying, but you

41:07

stopped with my fair maiden. I'm

41:09

writing to inform you all of the

41:11

influence the great Frank Skinner has had

41:14

on my life. Gosh. Since

41:16

he drew my attention to a

41:18

certain corn-based spicy snack. Ah.

41:22

Frank was so enthusiastic. And

41:24

the reaction of Emily so repulsed

41:27

that I had to seek out a bag. We'll

41:29

put that in a box for now. Yeah.

41:31

I am now a Tackis addict. To

41:34

such an extent, I've just

41:36

taken receipt of an entire box

41:38

to simply precede the addiction and

41:41

reduce the cost to only a moderately

41:43

extortionate level. We should say that Tackis

41:45

is the super hot snack that I

41:47

eat on the show every day. And

41:49

as it's my birthday tomorrow, I've

41:52

received gifts from the team. Okay. And

41:57

including a Tackis date,

42:00

like a sherbet dab with

42:03

a tacky sort of stick

42:05

that you dip into the

42:07

ultra hot powder which coats

42:09

the average tacky. So

42:11

what that would be like, I can't, it would

42:13

be like being a fire eater. I

42:16

think if you open

42:18

that packet and sort of weld it in the

42:20

air of a busy restaurant, you clear it out.

42:22

Yeah? It would be like sitting up there. A

42:25

tear gas bomb or something. Do

42:27

you want to know what James, the 33 year

42:29

old, would remember? Do you want to

42:31

know how he ends? He says, who

42:34

knew a bag of luminous volcanic ash,

42:36

dust, volcanic ash, dusted corn pipes would

42:38

not only lead me to message in for the

42:40

first time to any show, but also

42:43

to the successful marketing campaign

42:45

of Mr. Skinner, urge

42:48

me to actually buy something for the first time, not

42:50

of my own curiosity. No, that's good.

42:52

I mean, can I emphasise again,

42:54

I gain nothing. I'm not on

42:56

any deal with tacky. All

42:58

he's done is embarrassing. I don't need free tacky.

43:00

You know what? I'm buying my

43:02

own tacky. That's all I'm saying. Boasting. So,

43:05

yeah. Independent woman, beyond the day.

43:07

I gain nothing from this. Buy my own

43:09

tacky, Scott. I'd just like to share happiness

43:12

and that sensation of the

43:14

lining coming off your stomach.

43:17

Frank Skinner, give home

43:20

absolute radio. I'd

43:23

just like to read out the second in

43:25

a series of emails I'm calling brands that

43:27

haven't paid us a penny, yet we continue

43:29

to promote them. Well, that's all right. I

43:31

think one can say what one likes in life.

43:34

Well, exactly. This

43:36

is from Trudy. Do you think people think

43:38

I'm getting money from Elizabeth

43:41

R? Yes. Having said that

43:43

at a good time. Getting some

43:45

ducats. And I'm obviously getting paid by

43:47

an audience himself. One

43:51

night Samuel sends me the odd

43:53

little clasp. He

43:57

sends me a Diamante clasp on a

43:59

regular basis. Is there a man called A. Samuel?

44:01

There's gotta be. Harry? Sure. Why not?

44:03

Could be Harry. Harry, Samuel. I don't

44:05

like your vagueness. I could

44:08

embarrass myself socially. It's true. Trudy

44:11

has gotten touched. Dear Frank and team, I

44:13

was so taken with the description of your

44:16

Cubits experience that I booked to

44:18

go to the Leeds branch in February and I

44:20

can't wait. Frank, you're bringing business into these things.

44:22

You won't regret it, Trudy. I'm

44:24

telling you. Cubits. This

44:26

is Frank's optician that he's become

44:29

almost borderline unhealthy and obsessed with.

44:31

Optician slash cult from what I can

44:33

tell. He goes to a magazine, a

44:36

podcast. They can invent and back up

44:38

the lot. Don't forget their ever-changing, modern,

44:41

art, serrated-edge glasses

44:43

wiper. They discourage friendships outside

44:46

of the Cubits crew. Outside

44:48

of Cubits? They come

44:50

to your door. We hear you've been talking badly

44:52

about Cubits. Don't

44:54

do any of those things.

44:56

Anybody who criticizes Cubits is

44:58

a suppressive person. They disobey

45:01

it. Yeah. Now,

45:03

again, I get a little money from

45:05

Cubits, but I'd just like to bring

45:07

happiness into people's lives. I think they

45:09

are the high priest of the opticians.

45:12

What if they use that on them? They won't use

45:15

that. That'd be their talent. Who's gonna use

45:17

that? I wouldn't say it's a snappy marketing

45:19

line. Exactly, and also they'll be anglic and

45:21

thinking, well, I'm not going there. Can't

45:24

they all talk with us? A little bit of a...

45:26

... about Cubits. Bit

45:28

of anglic and stuff. I'll obviously show you

45:30

this morning. Do you remember that joke? It's

45:34

probably not a joke you've ever heard, but it

45:36

is to be, yeah. Here we go.

45:39

How do you know that E.T.

45:41

is an anglicer because he looks

45:43

like one? What

45:46

joke is that? It's a Catholic joke.

45:49

It's what it is. How upset

45:52

is that in the

45:54

fun pages of the tablet? Exactly. You're all

45:56

the car students. Who would... So for example,

45:58

if you tell us that joke... I

46:00

wouldn't tell it for the IB of Cai.

46:02

What would the answer for Canterbury say if

46:04

you said that? I don't know if he'd

46:06

like it. I think he'd say, No way

46:09

we're all eating. I

46:11

wish he would say that. What

46:13

would the Pope say? Would he like that? No.

46:16

He'd say, K. Would he

46:18

not understand it? Does he not? No. Or make

46:20

an effort? Yeah, come on, Pope. Sorry, you know.

46:22

It's probably if you get that old and you

46:24

think, is it worth learning that it's not true.

46:28

What age does it stop becoming

46:31

worth it? 8, 12, 15. In the UK, 14. I

46:36

remember about... Apparently. Oh.

46:39

I remember about two years

46:42

ago thinking, you know, I've

46:44

probably got enough shoes now.

46:47

Do you? So that's me. Do

46:49

you think so? So that's me all the way. All

46:52

the way home. I don't know, all the way. I

46:58

don't know all the way, frankly. Oh, man.

47:00

I know. It's a worry.

47:03

Brilliant on absolute radio.

47:08

Yeah, you had some correspondence, which

47:10

I thought felt quite huge. Yeah,

47:12

it's well managed. He was just

47:14

going to sit there, just staring

47:16

at the wall, but you came

47:18

in as my

47:20

reliable left hand. I dashed in

47:22

like the Salisbury rats. Yes. Yeah,

47:24

you did. Come on.

47:26

Tom Smith in Chester. Yeah.

47:29

Says, dear friends. Me?

47:31

Which I like. Yeah. Oh. Long

47:33

time reader, first time listening. Which

47:36

is an odd... I'm not sure what he means by that. No,

47:39

I think... I'm

47:41

listening. Maybe he

47:43

might be lying if he means... Oh, I

47:45

see. Yeah, maybe. Whilst watching the Brad Pitt

47:47

film World War Z. Oh,

47:50

yes, I believe... You know,

47:53

I believe Peter Capolli is in

47:55

that. You're putting him on it.

47:57

And he is from the World Health... organization

48:00

and so he's crediting, close

48:03

the word, who. Well

48:05

this is this, he says, he notices that

48:07

Peter Capaldi is in there and is a

48:09

World Health Organization or WHO employee and it

48:11

struck me that he was playing a WHO

48:13

doctor. Yes, well

48:15

that is true but I must say

48:17

it has been like the fact

48:19

that Big Mo is Gary Holman's

48:21

sister. It's just a big Mo!

48:23

It is a big Mo. Well

48:25

I didn't know this. In Doctor

48:28

Who circles it is mentioned a

48:30

great deal. Can I just

48:32

say? No, but well spotted if he spotted

48:34

it himself, he still spotted it himself. Does

48:36

the Doctor Who, I mean is it a

48:38

big Mo though? It's like they, it's like...

48:42

I think but

48:44

I think it's bait as

48:47

the young people say. Well.

48:50

What does bait mean? Well according

48:52

to a list I saw it

48:54

means obvious or well known. Okay.

48:56

Yes, well this is, we had Riz as

48:59

the word of the year which we discussed.

49:01

Yes. Are you confident in using it Frank?

49:03

Well I was talking about, remember

49:05

Riz Putin. Riz Putin, yeah. He's got

49:08

a rasp Putin attracted the ladies in

49:10

Russia. I thought that was Pierre's joke,

49:12

I read it in the Times. Ah

49:15

yeah, it's a paper of records. I'm sorry the Times absolutely

49:19

said that was Pierre's

49:21

joke. I mean I'm all

49:24

for helping the young

49:26

comics coming up. Can

49:30

we talk about this survey please? Okay. Oh

49:33

what survey? Oh yes the survey is new words.

49:35

You just mentioned bait and I read something this

49:37

week. There was a survey, it was a group

49:39

of, used to be called TOFL in my day.

49:41

Oh what does that mean? Did you just mention a

49:43

foreign language? Oh

49:46

yes careful.

49:49

So it was a group of teachers who were teaching

49:52

English as a foreign language to international students. Oh

49:54

God that was the job wasn't it? For people

49:56

who couldn't think of what job to do. Yeah

49:58

what do they do now those people? Life coach

50:00

is there. Hahaha

50:04

Yeah Frank do

50:06

you trust life coach? Erm, well

50:09

I've never I've never spoken to a life

50:11

coach I don't really need it, my life

50:13

is so It's quite good. Yeah. You've

50:16

got enough shoes. What do you think they say to your life

50:18

coach? Do they just say Well they

50:20

wouldn't say, that's probably enough shoes. They're

50:22

not, they're not They don't have

50:24

that kind of dominance. They're not brutally pragmatic

50:27

like that. If I had a life coach

50:29

I'd want to say could I come and see

50:31

you, what sort of house you live in first? Hahaha Do

50:34

you know what I mean? Because if I'd gotten that life coach Yeah, I

50:36

don't think they'd let you do that. Well then

50:38

that tells me everything. I would try

50:40

and trick, like there should be a test with a life

50:42

coach where you deliberately suggest something mad where you think I'm

50:44

thinking of quitting my job and leaving my

50:47

family and becoming a dancer. And if they say

50:49

you should do that, that's a grif, follow your

50:51

heart then you go aha! I

50:54

shouldn't listen to a thing you say. But

50:56

isn't it the whole thing with people in

50:58

all forms of counselling and that don't say

51:00

anything is the idea. So if I

51:02

said I'm going to kill my

51:04

next door neighbours with an act they'd say

51:08

Well, why do

51:10

you think you want to do that?

51:12

Not, don't, don't, don't do that! What

51:15

are you talking about? You're out of your mind! I'm

51:18

going to get the police in. But

51:20

they'd say well, okay. I have

51:22

an obligation to report crime. Half an

51:24

hour down the line you're saying what kind

51:26

of an act? One of

51:28

those from Lidl. One shaped like

51:30

your father. What

51:40

about 944? I'm driving

51:42

with do not disturb turned on. I

51:45

will see your message when I arrive at my

51:47

destination. Love your message from a robot.

51:50

Well that's obviously an automated one I think

51:52

people should check because they can sound a

51:54

bit sinister these automated ones. I

51:56

don't think I've ever had one of those. Have you not?

51:58

No. today gets

52:00

you them. You often get

52:02

daily silence notifications. I know I haven't

52:04

heard of. Those people were helping me

52:07

with the road accidents I've

52:09

been in which I couldn't remember.

52:11

They used to text me off and I never

52:13

hear from them anymore. What do you want

52:15

them to say? You want them to be like, do you think? What

52:18

are the few people with the

52:20

vehicle scammers? Fair weather scammers. Any

52:26

road. Where were you at

52:28

my imaginary car accident? We

52:31

were when we were wandering

52:33

around Salisbury. Yes, at

52:35

the Cathedral. We had a free

52:37

tour. Ooh,

52:39

is that a motorbike? Yeah. Just

52:41

outside the Ace Cafe today.

52:45

As we all know, the louder the motorbike,

52:47

the cooler the rider. Very

52:49

cool. So

52:52

we were in there. We had a free

52:54

tour, which was nice. And

52:57

we went to a tomb,

52:59

the tomb of John Chaney.

53:02

Oh, did you think he was on? No,

53:05

it was about like Dick Chaney. Do you

53:07

remember Dick Chaney? Who

53:09

is John Chaney? Dick Chaney was

53:11

a big friend of Prince Albert. Oh,

53:14

hi. Monica. That's

53:17

it. You've started it. I

53:19

bet they met and were neither of them

53:22

were sufficiently witty to say, hey,

53:27

I'm Prince Albert, but that never

53:29

happened. Anyway, John

53:32

Chaney was... He

53:36

fought at the Battle of

53:38

Bosworth Field against Richard III.

53:42

And the series,

53:44

he was six for eight. And

53:47

even in... I mean, everyone says, you know, everyone

53:49

was smaller in their own time. It's one of

53:52

the few things people know about history, that

53:54

people were smaller. You just have to go to the

53:56

old climate shops. Well,

53:58

yeah, you wouldn't get... armor, you

54:01

might get a more

54:04

my height. It would be great to go to

54:06

some parts of London posh enough where there's armor

54:08

in the Oxfam. Yeah, the Oxfam

54:10

shop. Someone just came in with it. We've

54:13

just taken some old clothes down there. I didn't think

54:15

this anymore. I'd like to have a look through the

54:17

clothes of the dead. Anyway...

54:24

John Chaney. So he was telling us

54:26

a tour guide from the Freetoo was

54:28

telling us about this. And he

54:30

said that at one point Richard

54:32

the third knocked John Chaney off

54:35

his horse. And his

54:37

helmet broke. You know when they crack you're

54:39

supposed to not use them again? Like

54:43

non-stick pants. So his helmet... I think

54:45

with crash helmets, if I remember rightly,

54:47

if you get a bang on your

54:49

crash helmet you're not supposed to use

54:52

it. What about Ninja Turtles? They're always

54:54

getting up those horns. I know, but

54:56

they already have their own carapaces. Let's

55:00

not forget. Anyway, so

55:02

according to the guide, there

55:06

was a bull there on the battlefield. Could

55:09

happen. A dead bull. A dead bull

55:11

on it. Who he scalped. He cut

55:14

the top of the bull's head off.

55:17

And then he wore the top of the bull's head.

55:19

Who did this? Sorry, John Chaney. John

55:21

Chaney. Well, did he?

55:25

I was thinking bull the whole

55:27

time he was telling us that.

55:29

I was thinking you've mixed up

55:31

conducting a minor tour with

55:34

a minor tour. I thought

55:36

I saw. Please tell me you didn't say

55:38

that. I thought I was thinking... If you'd

55:40

said that at the time they would have

55:42

interred you then and there. I know that.

55:45

I would certainly have been interred. I admit

55:47

that. I admit that. Of

55:50

the bull, I think. So I just

55:52

thought, but that cock could anyone. No. Did

55:55

you heckle her? You didn't go, yeah, right, did you?

55:57

Well, I had to make sure he wasn't in the

55:59

reach of the... society who are

56:02

menacing online presence, you have to be

56:04

careful. But this is not anti Richard

56:06

the third guy, if you're listening I'm

56:08

saying I don't believe that John Chaney

56:10

put a balls head as

56:12

a hat. How did he get everything

56:14

out of the head? Well exactly, the

56:16

stuff in heads. What

56:19

people have seen too many. More revelations to

56:21

come. Yeah, people have seen

56:24

that. People have seen that years you

56:26

too guys that were on TFI Friday

56:33

and thought our heads must be

56:35

hollow. Not real heads though. So

56:37

sorts of stuff in them. My

56:40

heads packed. Frank

56:42

Skimmer. Absolute radiance.

56:48

So anyway yes. So

56:50

the Salisbury Cathedral. Oh yeah the

56:53

thing in Salisbury Cathedral is the

56:55

bumping stone. Yeah. And when you're

56:57

a boy chorister

57:00

there, you start on your first

57:03

day they bang your head against

57:05

this stone as a sort of

57:07

initiation. Seven times. Is it

57:09

seven times? Quite a few times. Is it

57:12

hot or sharp this day? There's a big

57:14

dent in the big indentation in the stone.

57:16

Years of banging boys heads onto it. Yeah

57:18

it's got a sort of groove in it.

57:20

It looks like a kind of stone version

57:23

of a sort of airplane pillar. And

57:25

the tour uh

57:27

the tour guide Ernie

57:31

said he one of the

57:33

guides there was a chorister and he said

57:35

when they do it they properly said

57:37

he remembers. Really bang your head on the

57:39

thing. Well he said it was dependent on

57:41

your um people's social opinion of

57:44

you as a as

57:46

a colleague. Okay. And if you're a particularly

57:48

irritating child then the other children would take

57:50

their chance to smack your head into a

57:52

cathedral. You know the old-fashioned bombs he's all

57:55

right without banging people's heads on it. Anyway

57:58

we wondered around uh Salisbury

58:00

and Pierre absolutely got his

58:02

shopping head on. What

58:05

do you mean? He started buying things from

58:07

the shop. He started, yeah, he's shopped until

58:09

he dropped. I bought a rat. I

58:11

bought... Tell me what he bought. It was very

58:13

viv... What do you call viv nikles? And I'm

58:15

going to spend, spend, spend. He went a bit

58:17

full for it, although I don't normally... I mean

58:19

Lotto Laut didn't... I don't know how much cash

58:22

he spent at Salisbury Cathedral gift shop. No,

58:24

but this was. We went into... I

58:27

will. I wandered around.

58:29

A gift card from my family from Christmas.

58:31

Burning a hole in my jeans. What is

58:33

it? A cathedral gift card? Yeah,

58:35

but it was a gift. Why would you

58:38

water stand? It was specific. No,

58:41

you must only buy it from Salisbury Cathedral. We

58:43

bought you this gift card from Church. But it was

58:45

a 30 quid gift card.

58:48

And Pierre bought a 66 quid

58:53

illustrated Ulysses

58:55

by James Joyce. That's

58:57

why I love him. Then we went

58:59

next door and I bought a bento

59:01

box from Smiggle. What

59:08

I liked when we were in Smiggle was,

59:10

A, the image of you and me surrounded

59:13

by neon Hello Kitty backpacks. Oh yeah. As

59:15

though we were just going, hmm, perhaps one

59:17

of these. And then I

59:19

liked you and the shopkeeper both

59:22

stroking a particular bento box and commenting on it

59:24

as if it was sort of fine fur. It

59:27

was all a lovely texture there. Like

59:30

a partly robbery. Oh,

59:32

you had one of those. What is it? ASMR? It

59:35

was a bit. What is that? What do you tell

59:37

them? It's when people like

59:40

to listen to videos where people make small sounds. We

59:42

told you about that. You

59:44

know, when they go... Yes,

59:47

you did tell me that before. Yeah, that's...

59:49

I don't like that at all. Okay,

59:51

but we know where we stand. No, I'm done.

59:53

You do, however, like the Ulysses, look 66 pounds.

59:57

60, and it was massive. It was very

1:00:00

heavy. Of course it was. Yeah really. Would

1:00:02

you have bought it? No.

1:00:04

You wouldn't have gone over the gift card

1:00:06

price let's be honest. No I like to

1:00:08

get it kite on. I like that. You

1:00:11

know you sit on the bed at a

1:00:13

petrol garage pop skit. Are you one of

1:00:15

those? And then trying to get it un-zero

1:00:17

and then sometimes I go, no! If

1:00:20

you get to O2. I see the home pounds

1:00:22

in a pedo. Well I was going to say

1:00:24

if you get to let's say O2 would you have

1:00:26

to go up to the

1:00:29

next digit? Well now you've got to be able to get it

1:00:31

in the tank. I'm not going

1:00:33

to start filling me pockets. Now

1:00:37

there was a Colombian I think

1:00:39

he was, serial killer, who

1:00:41

killed a hundred people and I

1:00:43

thought he was one of those

1:00:45

blokes. What did he do stood

1:00:47

on there? On the fork

1:00:50

or getting his part off? That's the

1:00:52

worst thing about it. Oh you just

1:00:54

pull yourself the hundred people. Oh I

1:00:56

can relax now. I can't even retire.

1:00:59

Exactly get rid of my tools. Oh

1:01:04

dear.

1:01:10

My choice Frank has been endorsed by

1:01:12

Claire, my book choice. Oh.

1:01:15

She says I have Joyce envy now. I

1:01:17

saw the same Ulysses on counter two weeks

1:01:19

ago and I almost spent my eleven year

1:01:21

old's book token on it. Oh

1:01:23

that would be wrong. I might still go

1:01:26

back and do that. No don't do that.

1:01:28

And how's this for a bit

1:01:30

of a humble brag? Hashtag long time

1:01:32

listener that's nice. Hashtag second time Ulysses

1:01:34

reader. Oh. Oh.

1:01:38

Oh. Someone likes

1:01:40

incomprehensible books. Well. How many

1:01:43

pages? I know because I had

1:01:46

a copy at university from the library and

1:01:49

it said the previous student had written seven

1:01:51

hundred and ninety nine pages in no punch

1:01:53

line. Well

1:01:56

Terry Wogan told me that he'd

1:01:59

read. Finnegan's

1:02:01

Wake. Is it Finnegan's

1:02:03

Wake? Yes. And I

1:02:05

didn't know until recently that that ends with

1:02:08

the same sentence it begins with. So you're

1:02:10

supposed to just read it in a

1:02:12

circular fashion. Big loop, like

1:02:14

a leaflet in a dentist's waiting room. Yeah.

1:02:17

I looked up the, that illustrated ulysses.

1:02:27

Yeah. And on Amazon it was £45.

1:02:29

No. Support the high street. No. Sorry,

1:02:31

can I just say, you look soft.

1:02:33

Oh, absolutely. But it said 28% off.

1:02:36

Yeah. Recommended retail price, £62.99. My word.

1:02:38

Waterstones went £3

1:02:48

after over the RRP. That's

1:02:52

scandalous, isn't it? We were laughing

1:02:54

at the idea because afterwards we went to the works

1:02:56

to look at their infinite notebook. We

1:02:58

were laughing at going to the works

1:03:01

and the same book being on sale

1:03:03

for sort of £4. The works is

1:03:05

crap. The works is a shop that

1:03:07

you can't quite embrace because it's always

1:03:09

closing. Oh, it's still closing. It's kind

1:03:11

of horrible. Oh,

1:03:18

the works. Was it

1:03:20

£66? Is the waterstones in

1:03:22

the cathedral? No. Oh, okay,

1:03:25

fine. Merely on the high street. Fine. Okay.

1:03:27

I just needed to know. Oh, so

1:03:30

anyway, Sarah

1:03:33

Champion is up next. Listen

1:03:35

to Sarah. I just say a meal is

1:03:37

on before us has just bought me three

1:03:40

packets of Takis and a card. What a

1:03:42

lovely guy. He's an

1:03:44

handsome. Okay. Well,

1:03:46

I didn't know I liked ice skating

1:03:48

until about three years ago. Anyway,

1:03:52

episode four of Frank

1:03:55

Skinner's The

1:04:00

Poetry Podcast is out on Wednesday.

1:04:02

It's Jessica Treiner this week, who

1:04:04

is a dazzling

1:04:07

new poet. I

1:04:09

love your proofbook there. Oh, thank you. Anyway,

1:04:12

download it wherever you get your podcast.

1:04:15

Unless you get them from Waterstones. I'll go somewhere

1:04:18

cheaper. So

1:04:20

it's my birthday tomorrow. I'm gonna

1:04:22

go for a bit of a

1:04:24

birthday lunch with my radio family,

1:04:27

including Aunty Daisy, who's coming especially.

1:04:30

There's been, I think, two

1:04:32

happy birthday messages from our

1:04:34

readers. Thanks for that.

1:04:36

You got cuffed with doughnuts? Oh, got

1:04:38

cuffed with doughnuts, that's what counts. So

1:04:41

if the good Lord spares us and the

1:04:44

creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this

1:04:46

time next week. Now get out. This

1:04:48

is Frank Brennan. Get out of the

1:04:51

room. Absolute radio.