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0:39

The Bugle,

0:39

audio newspaper for a visual

0:42

world. Hello, Buglers, and

0:44

welcome to issue 4268 of The Bugle, audio newspaper for a world

0:46

that does remain

0:51

visual despite mostly wanting to

0:54

close its eyes and think of something,

0:56

anything else. I'm Andy Zaltzman, the

0:58

one true keeper of the sword of truth.

1:01

Oh, shit, I've lost it. I

1:03

think I used it at a cricket match and left it in the pavilion. Oh,

1:05

well, humanity can live without it. I'm here in

1:07

the most famous shed in Bugle history,

1:10

in London, the most famous city in

1:12

Bugle history, in the Northern Hemisphere,

1:14

arguably the most action-packed

1:16

hemisphere in the history of the world.

1:18

And I'm joined today, firstly, from very

1:21

far away as the crow flies, albeit that the

1:23

crow would almost certainly die

1:25

if it tried to fly that far, especially

1:27

as it would be flying beak-first into the Gulf

1:29

Stream headwinds and over 5,000 miles.

1:32

That's about three times the longest recorded migration

1:34

by a crow. But were it not

1:37

to die and fly in a straight, it would eventually

1:39

reach

1:39

NATO green in America.

1:41

Hello, NATO, how are you? Hello,

1:44

Andy. Hello, Buglers. Good to see

1:46

you. I'm actually, for a change of pace,

1:49

I am not speaking to you from California. Oh,

1:52

right. I am speaking to you from

1:54

the mountains of Colorado. Right.

1:57

Have you taken refuge there? Is that...

1:59

It's beautiful country, there's incredible

2:02

spectacular mountains and rivers

2:04

and towns called like rifle

2:07

and parachute and

2:09

collapsed mineshaft and

2:11

there's neo-Nazis out here prepping for

2:14

the coming race war.

2:15

I'm in Lauren Boebert

2:18

country, the Colorado

2:20

Congresswoman, right-wing lunatic

2:23

who posted

2:25

the Christmas photo of her

2:27

Z

2:39

with

2:55

a gun is a good Jesus with a gun. From

3:00

slightly less far away but still quite far away

3:03

as the Haddock swims in Dublin which

3:05

is a bit of a tricky route for Haddock to

3:07

get to where I am but if he

3:09

can work his way around the coast and then find up find

3:12

a way up the Thames as far as the Wandel tributary then

3:14

up Norbury Brook I can pick it up near the station anyway

3:17

joining us from Dublin it's Neil D'Aleneur.

3:19

Hello Neil. Hello Andy how are you? I'm

3:22

very well, very well thanks.

3:23

I come to you wrecked,

3:27

I have started and I feel the need to tell everybody

3:29

this, training for a triathlon. Oh

3:31

right. And all I have learned so far is the

3:33

swimming section right.

3:35

Chris is doing a cheer so I assume

3:39

he's training for something similar because

3:41

he's just raised his hand in sort

3:43

of. I'm a qualified triathlon coach Neil

3:45

so anytime you want me to work you over.

3:48

Okay well then, I mean as

3:50

a reward or? All

3:53

I've learned so far is when you go for the swim

3:55

training. Well I've learned two things so far. First one

3:58

is that if you want to figure out which lane you should go.

3:59

the swimming and you read

4:02

what is on the other people's swimming hats. So like

4:04

Dublin triathlon don't go into that lane.

4:06

Paris Ironman no no no. Peppa

4:09

Pig that's the lane for me. The

4:11

woman with the full-on unicorn

4:13

horn on hers. It

4:15

seems to be basically swimming seems

4:18

to be you're just a member

4:20

of the Republican Party in the US in

4:22

that you are completely out for yourself and

4:24

obsessed with reducing drag.

4:29

Neil so

4:31

I assume that you were announcing

4:33

this just to taunt

4:36

us in some way for

4:38

your so so I have I

4:41

would like to be in better fitness. Tell me as

4:43

part of your fitness plan

4:44

do you continue to eat scones

4:47

and have seven drinks a day? Yeah

4:49

very much so but now it's not called an

4:51

alcohol problem it's called car bloating.

4:54

So I mean it's all about labels really. Well

4:57

of course I mean NATO you know on our

4:59

team we

5:01

don't need to do triathlons because when it comes to the

5:03

swimming part we just wait for God to park the seas for

5:05

us so it's really a biathlon as much

5:09

as we need not not not the kind of winter Olympics biathlon.

5:11

I mean Chris how many triathlons have you done that? Did you

5:13

keep a tally? No I didn't keep a

5:15

tally. I did a few I did more I don't

5:18

know 10 let's say 10. Right

5:20

have you ever won one?

5:21

Yeah I won every single one I ever took. Oh

5:23

that's good. Fire fire fire some margin.

5:28

Were you the only person in those races?

5:31

No comment. Well I mean

5:33

triathlon is essentially yeah it's a metaphor

5:35

for human evolution isn't it you start you know

5:39

swimming. I'm just

5:41

trying to figure out how you're going to get

5:44

into biking and then running after

5:46

biking as the evolutionary. Well the

5:48

biking they put in afterwards but so you go

5:50

from swimming that's you know then we even lose it out of the sea

5:52

we learn some more and then we developed machinery.

5:55

So you know it encapsulates

5:57

all of human progress and people

6:00

wearing unnecessarily small swimsuits.

6:03

So you know what more could you possibly want from

6:05

a sport? I don't look great in the tricep

6:07

I'd be honest. It looks like someone wrapped a bullock

6:09

in cling film.

6:15

We are recording on the 26th of June 2023. The 26th of

6:18

June is World Remember

6:22

About Something a Day Late Day and

6:24

we're celebrating this by recording on the 26th and

6:26

not making the podcast live until the 27th.

6:29

There can be no more moving tributes. The

6:32

29th is World Industrial Design

6:34

Day. So do try to design

6:36

something industrial if you're listening

6:38

to this. Maybe a factory where you just input

6:40

loads of atoms and it automatically makes whatever

6:42

thing is most needed in the world right now. That can't

6:44

be far off. Or a hospital that not only

6:47

cures people but gives them especially enhanced

6:49

bionic body parts. Or maybe you

6:51

can develop an automatic rainbow

6:54

that can be assembled in under an hour and transported

6:56

to anywhere in the world that needs an instant blast

6:58

of metaphorical hope. Get working bugles. As

7:00

always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin and

7:02

this week well you mentioned you're in Colorado NATO

7:04

but we've reached the quarterfinal

7:07

stage of the bugle sponsored world's

7:09

favorite geographical features knockout

7:12

competition. We've got this week the

7:14

quarterfinal draw its mountains against rift

7:16

valleys estuaries against salt

7:18

flats I think that could be a close one. Atolls

7:21

a massive surprise last 16 win over peninsulas

7:24

versus crowd favorite sandy beaches

7:26

and Pete bog which Pete

7:29

boggs course recently bought up by Saudi Arabia and

7:31

their latest reputation laundering nature-washing

7:33

investment against

7:34

rainforest out of form over recent years

7:37

but still very tough to beat.

7:39

That's in the bin. Also this week a free

7:41

giveaway a free scapegoat someone or something

7:43

to blame for your personal failings the problems in society

7:46

or the fractures in humanity's relationship with itself

7:48

and its planet. We will draw this

7:50

week's scapegoat out of the bag and this

7:52

week's scapegoat to blame everything on his...

7:57

chamber music. There

7:59

you go.

8:00

Blame it on the chamber music.

8:02

Everything is now fine. Those sections

8:05

in the bin.

8:09

Top story this week. Russia

8:11

is in the midst of civil war. Oh, it's finished.

8:14

It's finished already. Was

8:17

this history's shortest

8:19

ever civil war? It seemed to last about

8:22

a day. Can

8:25

it count as a civil war if one of the sides in it is

8:27

a private company? I don't know. The

8:32

Wagner versus Russia, I mean obviously

8:34

from a British point of view, private companies

8:37

with armies. It's a bit of an embarrassing

8:39

part of our heritage as Anna-Vab has

8:41

explained with the reference of the East India Company over

8:43

the years on this show. But it was a really

8:46

strange couple of days,

8:48

partly because I was trying to follow this whilst

8:51

watching Nothing But Sport. I'm

8:54

in between the first two Ashes tests

8:56

in a professional capacity and I took

8:58

my son to a day of the women's test match and two

9:00

baseball games in London whilst

9:03

trying to follow the Russian civil

9:05

war. And it's quite hard for me to get

9:07

my head around it to be honest without seeing

9:09

it.

9:09

I think he struck out. Maybe he will. I can't

9:11

remember who walked who struck out. Anyway, the point is it

9:14

seems to be over the Wagner versus

9:16

Putin civil war. And the question

9:18

arises, has Putin shown strength

9:21

in dealing with it, weakness in dealing with it, weak strength,

9:23

strong weakness, weak weakness, or weak

9:25

strong weakness? We have two

9:28

experts on Russian

9:30

internal politics and the art

9:32

of mercenary warfare with us, Naito

9:35

and Neil. Can either of

9:37

you fully explain what

9:40

just happened?

9:41

Well, I once watched Gordon Ramsay

9:43

drive across America with Gina De

9:45

Campo and I thought that was the angriest

9:48

chef I'd see on a road trip. But no, it's

9:51

Yevgeny Pergosian. Pergosian

9:54

in the plot of the worst expendables

9:56

film ever. Just took a band

9:58

of savage mercenaries. for a walk

10:01

and that was it. Now don't

10:03

get me wrong, it is lovely to see someone marching

10:06

on Moscow in the summer for a change.

10:09

I mean I really think it's like the World Cup,

10:11

Andy. I think it doesn't feel right in November

10:13

or December. It's June or July

10:15

for me. That is the time to march

10:17

on Moscow. Nobody knows what happened. I

10:20

was looking at the map.

10:21

Lepetsk is 800 kilometres

10:24

from their field positions in Ukraine. So they walked 800

10:26

kilometres. Now if you do

10:28

the conversion to Imperial, is there

10:31

a chance that this is the weirdest tribute to

10:33

the proclaimers that there has ever been?

10:37

Because that appears to be what it was. And

10:40

if you don't understand this, let me put this in terms that

10:42

you'll understand, Andy. He was on his way to Moscow. He

10:44

was on his way. He passed his medical. The

10:47

deal was done. Then Lukashenko swooped

10:49

in and nabbed him and now he's going to Belarus

10:51

for an undisclosed face.

10:53

Could be 100 million quid. Could be 150 million

10:55

quid depending on appearances. Sadly,

10:57

Victoria Azarenko is going the other way as a

11:00

make way to the deal. So

11:02

it's very unfortunate for her. She is leaving tennis

11:05

to command a lawless band of ex-convicts

11:07

in an illegal war. It is unlikely

11:09

to affect her ATP ranking. So that is the

11:11

good news on that.

11:14

Well, that's what she's in the WCA, not the ATP.

11:17

So I mean, it's not going to affect her

11:19

ATP ranking. Well, then I'm definitely right.

11:24

I mean, Putin,

11:27

you know, he's having a bit of an awkward decade,

11:29

Nate. I mean, it's the kind of decade that makes you wonder if there is

11:31

something deeply troubling him on a personal level. And

11:34

inevitability catches up with all dictators eventually.

11:37

It's just a question of time,

11:38

method and whether they're alive or dead to appreciate

11:40

it as Colonel Gaddafi's asshole can testify. But

11:43

I mean, where do you think this leaves Putin?

11:46

Well, you know, it was I mean, we had a we

11:48

had a civil war here between Putin and

11:50

the Wagner group. And you know, if you have

11:52

to if you have to handicap your chances

11:54

in a civil war, are you going to go with

11:57

the despot who's been ruling Russia for the last 20

11:59

plus years?

12:00

or the guy that you never heard of

12:02

before last Wednesday. Which

12:06

one has the better chances?

12:08

Yevgeny Pragozhin

12:11

is a Jewish former owner of Hot Dog

12:13

Stand turned mercenary warlord. He

12:15

leveraged his Hot Dog Stand to a restaurant

12:18

to a catering business to leading a mercenary

12:20

army of 50,000 neo-Nazis. And

12:22

I have to say as a Jew, it's really inspiring

12:25

to see a Jew can be anything

12:27

he sets his mind to, even a Nazi. So,

12:31

and I wanna see

12:33

that action movie about the Hot Dog mercenary,

12:36

where that opens with like, I have spent a lifetime

12:39

building up a very special set of skills that

12:41

make me a nightmare for people like you. Do

12:44

you want pickle relish on that? Oh,

12:47

it's such a normal career path from Hot

12:49

Dog vendor to it's like massage

12:52

therapist to ninja. It'd

12:54

be like if Andy became a mercenary.

12:57

What do you mean if? Well,

13:00

it's just roaming around with no shirt

13:03

on and bullets strapped across his chest.

13:06

I do love that idea. That's the

13:08

well-worn path that he's in. He leaves

13:11

prison and they say to him in the job center, what

13:13

do you want to do? I want to be a Hot Dog salesman. Okay,

13:15

because that, if you play your cards right, can

13:17

lead to international mercenary

13:19

warlord. Well, you know. It's

13:22

the normal progression. Yeah, yeah.

13:24

I went from comedy into cricket stats. So, you

13:26

know, stranger things have happened. So,

13:29

Andy, Putin, as you know,

13:31

is an egomaniac corrupt war criminal

13:33

who surrounds himself with like-minded people, people

13:35

who have a similar style and essence, and

13:37

Progosion is the utmost of those. He's

13:39

sort of the pinnacle of that, and he's

13:42

gone beyond the other corrupt war criminals. Now,

13:44

the Vagder Group is willing to go on all manner

13:46

of military escapades around the world,

13:48

but they had growing concerns that the Ukraine

13:50

invasion was poorly planned and unnecessarily

13:53

resulting in too many Russian casualties, and

13:55

Progosion wanted something lower risk. You

13:57

could say that as the pinnacle of... corrupt

14:00

warlords, mild on Putin, who preferred

14:02

lower risk invasions. It's really a case of

14:04

pasta pudineska with non-parole

14:07

capers.

14:09

Did I do that right? I think

14:12

we just all need to take a few moments

14:14

to just appreciate the

14:16

majesty of that.

14:17

He's opened the door to puns.

14:20

We are now on death con fire.

14:24

I got to pot pasta pudineska, Andy,

14:26

and it took me about an hour and a half to

14:28

work backwards. It

14:31

was both a lot of work and I

14:33

hated myself. Is that how you feel? Would you have to

14:35

write puns? Look, I'd say

14:37

that's a phase that we all go through. Then you learn

14:40

to accept yourself for what you are. It

14:42

all becomes a bit easier, NATO. If

14:45

you think about this, this is a man

14:48

whose practice of sending waves and

14:50

waves of troops into battle but no care

14:52

for their well-being was described as sending

14:54

meat into the meat grinder. Now

14:57

he's going to live in Belarus. This is

14:59

the man who puts the mince into mince.

15:01

Thank you. Thank you. Those

15:06

terminology might make sense of the transition from

15:08

hot talk salesman.

15:11

Can we just say how weird it is, by

15:13

the way? I'll never get used

15:15

to getting my breaking news from social media

15:18

because the juxtaposition between the

15:20

previous posts and tweets is just too

15:23

much to handle. It's like cat playing the piano,

15:25

all couple dancing, mercenary lunatic

15:27

standing beside pilot bodies, dog snuggling

15:29

a baby, cat the bing hit with a

15:32

sledgehammer, Jesus' face in a tomato,

15:34

clowns that look like things, drone attack on Donetsk.

15:38

It's just too weird. Did

15:40

you see the Wagner troops in Rostov

15:43

on Don? They were welcomed

15:45

in apparently and they were wandering around getting coffees

15:47

in a coffee shop.

15:48

But they had their faces masked

15:51

to cover their identities. I really

15:54

like the idea that they all have their face masked, but

15:56

they still have to have their names in the cups.

15:59

I mean a better clever so

16:02

you can't tell who I am. I'm like ninja you

16:04

have gaining pressure For

16:06

you've gaining pressure. Do

16:08

you have the cinnamon? Progosion

16:12

is known as one of the world's least pleasant Sticks,

16:14

I believe is that the term and has been providing

16:17

Putin with murderous cannon fodder from the Russian

16:20

penal system and

16:22

I guess you have to say Pootles has been a

16:24

bit unlucky with this in a way because it's turned out that

16:26

relying on mercenaries led by a man of vast

16:29

Unfathomable depths of injury

16:31

is a risky strategy. I mean

16:33

you would have thought you know that you know in the

16:35

old days

16:36

Tish mercenaries were at least bound

16:39

by some form of honor But

16:41

you know, maybe we can't even rely on that anymore I mean

16:44

the relationship between these two

16:46

has been souring like a bucket of cheese

16:48

for some time and precaution turned

16:50

against poodles after claiming

16:53

the Russian army deliberately attacked his

16:55

Wagnerian forces and he plucked

16:57

the armed insurrection club out of his militaristic golf

16:59

bag So I guess the question is where

17:02

now for Putin because luckily for him

17:05

From a British point of view it coincided with

17:07

Glastonbury So in the UK at least the media

17:09

were rather more preoccupied with whether Elton John's

17:11

voice is still what it was What went

17:13

wrong with Guns N' Roses cryogenic chamber and

17:15

how disappointing it was that Lizzo had to step in at

17:17

the last minute for Liz trust so it didn't get

17:20

quite as much media traction as But

17:23

people were wondering like where

17:26

Putin was and they're also wondering who

17:28

was Elton John's next guest gonna be Now

17:30

that was the way to an end Glastonbury

17:33

if Putin just walked out

17:35

and they played rocket man That would have been amazing

17:37

But he he gave a speech today Monday

17:40

as we recorded in which he didn't refer to

17:42

the coup attempt stroke insurrection

17:44

at all Which is a bit like doing a theater

17:47

review of our American cousin at the Ford Theatre

17:49

Washington DC on the 14th of April 1865

17:52

and not mentioning that a tall guy with a beard

17:54

in the audience got shot during the Performance

17:57

it was that level of ignoring

17:59

a key factor

17:59

So I go on a first date taking

18:02

a stuffed leopard with you putting it in

18:04

the spare seat at your dinner table And then

18:06

not only not mentioning it throughout dinner, but

18:08

not even bringing up the issue of taxidermy that

18:11

that to me is how much he is Ignoring

18:14

reality Andy. I think I

18:16

think you're minimizing it because you know when

18:18

Putin went on to address the nation on

18:20

on Saturday do you realize how bad

18:22

things have to be in Russia for Vladimir

18:25

Putin to put a shirt on?

18:29

Food and only wears a shirt during times of great

18:31

crisis for the Russian Empire mutiny

18:34

pierogi shortage or a pussy riot concert

18:37

It does you wear more clothes the worst

18:39

it gets like someone trying it You know on a Ryan

18:42

airplane where you don't want to pay the extra baggage in your way

18:44

like every coach you've ever owned If

18:46

he ever comes out in layers, we are Gentlemen

18:50

Like in the air what

18:52

he said was we will not let this happen again

18:54

We will protect our people and stay from any

18:57

threats including internal betrayal what

18:59

we're facing is exactly a betrayal What

19:01

else is he going to say? He's not

19:04

gonna just go we will let this

19:06

one slide Everyone has

19:08

an off day. He probably has low

19:10

blood sugar Give him a twix

19:13

and see if he changes his mind Like

19:16

the big question is oh, how does this end I'll tell

19:18

you how it ends Nova Chuck shower gel.

19:20

This is how this ends He's

19:22

gonna be in mints. God. Oh look Oh

19:25

coconut with a hint of polonium So

19:28

I guess question is what next for Putin

19:30

to rebuild his is rather shattered

19:32

grasp on

19:34

Power and his image

19:36

is this uber powerful Overlord,

19:39

or what could he do could he invade somewhere else

19:41

could he join forces with Ukraine against

19:44

Wagner? Or will he take up

19:46

arms with another mercenary group named after

19:48

a famous composer in which case? I'm not

19:50

sure who would be on his list I've heard he

19:52

might go for a lesser-known composer so

19:54

long as they're satis factory But he won't want

19:57

to be seen to take a backward step even if

19:59

he is hiding away

19:59

away in the Kremlin and people are calling him

20:02

Debussy. I guess

20:04

he's just trying to get a handle on the situation. He doesn't want to

20:06

be choping and he doesn't want to be choping and changing

20:08

too much but it could all unravel which

20:11

could bring things to a rapid halt. He

20:13

won't get any help from Britain to be sure, not a half his egregious

20:16

behavior. But he might need to beg

20:18

other countries for troops or use equipment

20:20

that he's borrowed in. But I guess

20:22

he could just go out on the streets of Moscow and pick up any

20:24

old chancer who's prepared to go in recklessly. Just go and

20:27

grab a rash man in off the streets.

20:29

Anyway I can't see ending well unless

20:32

someone can talk Sans Sans into him. I

20:36

digress. There

20:37

was no warning. Up

20:41

until that point I would

20:44

usually condemn somebody for hitting somebody else with a sledgehammer

20:46

but there was a point in the

20:48

middle of that where I could kind of see

20:52

pure light and truth. How you could be

20:55

driven towards it. I

20:57

feel better about my puppet nest a bit. You

21:01

shouldn't. Chris is the most devastating

21:09

one isn't it? You don't expect it from Chris and then

21:12

he just comes in. It's like a ninja. Yeah.

21:14

Is this your bedside banner when you're doing triathlon

21:17

coaching Chris?

21:22

In other Russia related news, well

21:24

it's been a really tough week for Russia because

21:27

not only have they had to deal with a

21:30

millisecond long civil war but

21:33

they've had legal problems in Australia.

21:35

Australia's top court has rejected Russia's bid

21:37

to retain a plot of land

21:39

on which to build a new embassy in Canberra.

21:42

Russia's claim fell above the statutory

21:44

no worries threshold of Australian law and

21:46

the some worries cited whether it could

21:48

be used for spying as it's only a few hundred yards

21:51

from the Australian Parliament building. A Russian

21:53

diplomat had been squatting on the site not

21:55

the most concerning Russian occupation of someone else's land

21:57

the world's had to deal with of late to be fair but apparently he...

21:59

he has diplomatic immunity, which

22:02

actually cannot be spontaneously revoked without

22:04

direct approbation from actor Danny Glover. So

22:07

it wasn't quite as simple as might've seemed

22:09

the case at the time. Neil, I know

22:11

you're an expert on Australian- Great topical reference, Andy. That

22:13

is a quality lethal weaponry.

22:16

Oh, diplomatic immunity, quality.

22:19

It's about my most recent cultural reference in

22:22

the

22:22

nearly 16 years I've been doing on the UVA-

22:25

The villains in that one were South African. Did you feel a special

22:27

connection to that one, Andy? Listen,

22:30

we're lucky he mentioned a talkie. That

22:32

is real. Yeah.

22:35

I think he got anything more recent than Euripides.

22:40

So,

22:42

Neil, I know you're a

22:45

big fan of Australian land

22:47

and property law. Whose side are

22:49

you on with this? Well,

22:52

the Australians think that the Russians might use it for

22:55

spying. I mean, I think the giveaway was that the

22:57

new embassy is shaped like a big glass and

23:00

it was going to go right up against the wall. And I think maybe

23:02

the plans gave that away. You look

23:04

at this and there's a diplomat squatting

23:07

in the building. I'm going to go out on a limb here and go,

23:09

he's not their best guy.

23:10

Okay.

23:13

I'm just going to say, I don't think he's

23:15

the best spy stroke diplomat

23:18

that like, they're not putting the A-Team on squatting

23:20

duty. Here's one for you. No,

23:22

Hill Street Blues where they used to hand out the

23:25

assignments at the start of Hill Street Blues. I

23:27

don't imagine they're like, listen, don't

23:29

be offended by the assessment. We're just giving

23:31

out the roles based on the talents. And he's

23:35

a trained sniper and explosives expert. So he's going

23:37

to go into the field and John, you're 25

23:39

stone and profoundly agoraphobic.

23:42

So we just thought that you could

23:44

squat here and see if anything changes. What

23:46

I do hope is that he holds out and

23:49

then the city develops around him and

23:51

the skyscrapers are built

23:53

and shopping centers are built. And

23:55

then he's in the middle in a little lean

23:57

to like the old man in up.

23:59

He just holds out and he holds out and

24:02

then he escapes eventually by attaching a load

24:04

of balloons onto the Lean

24:06

to that he's built and it floats away into the sunset

24:08

and as it almost disappears The Americans

24:11

shoot it down for being a Chinese spy balloon. That's

24:14

that's how I see this ending broadly speaking Right.

24:17

Well, I think he might be disappointed because the

24:19

latest reports say that he has left

24:21

in a car

24:23

Rather anticlimactic unfortunately,

24:25

yeah, you know is

24:27

he headed for Belarus? A

24:31

Billionaire

24:34

news now and well, it's the contest

24:37

everyone has been waiting for Mark Zuckerberg

24:40

and Elon Musk are To

24:42

have a cage fight and they are

24:44

deadly serious about it. According to the boss

24:47

of UFC now

24:50

I've made no secret on this podcast over

24:52

the years of being a fan of the concept of human Civilization

24:55

in fact, you could indeed argue that the bugle

24:58

is in fact a part of human civilization

25:00

albeit Tangentially, but

25:02

there is an increasing sense that

25:04

really human civilization

25:07

Has had its fucking chance and it's fucking

25:09

blown it because if people are going

25:11

to pay money to what's Mark Zuckerberg

25:13

and Elon Musk fight

25:15

We have fucked it as a species.

25:17

We have nothing more to do.

25:19

We have nowhere else to go. We're done

25:22

We've had a go and that's it. There's

25:25

we've we've shown we cannot be trusted with

25:27

ourselves or our planet Are

25:31

either of you excited about this this

25:33

imminent showdown? Yeah I've

25:37

I've a degree in software engineering and this

25:39

is going to be the geekiest fight History

25:42

my friend. They're gonna have seed 3po

25:44

as a ring girl I

25:47

Walk around with a card with a with a

25:49

round of Bronica 0 1 0 or it's

25:51

around to lovely touch

25:55

It won't just be them they're gonna have

25:57

to have an undercard like, you

25:59

know Two corporate bosses going against each other.

26:02

I want to see Ronald McDonald not going to shout out to Colonel

26:04

Sanders in the welterweight.

26:06

Before that, Tony the Tiger ripping the

26:08

coca-bock. Put coca-pops monkey to

26:11

shreds. Stop turning the milk brown, you

26:13

simian. That's what I want to say. I've

26:15

got so many questions. What's it going to

26:17

be called? All the great fights have to have a name,

26:19

and they bring up one person in your head. The

26:21

thriller in the manila is Joe Frazier, and the rumble in

26:24

the jungle is Ali, and the attack

26:26

in Ponty Fract is Oliver Cromwell, the

26:28

brawling gall is Julius Caesar, the

26:30

pasting and hastings is William the Conqueror, wombat

26:34

combat, Captain Cook. There's loads of them.

26:37

What's it going to be called? And I'm prepared to

26:39

overlook the fact that Elon Musk is a weird man.

26:41

Elon is a weird name. I'm convinced his mind couldn't

26:43

spell Noel.

26:44

That's what I'm absolutely convinced by.

26:48

Well, I mean, that's interesting, isn't it? I mean, if he'd been

26:50

called Noel Musk,

26:52

it's quite hard to believe that he would have been nearly as

26:54

successful as being called Elon Musk.

26:57

No, and he's just, is he trying

26:59

to get the agro out that he's now the second richest

27:01

man in the world behind the boss of

27:03

Louis Vuitton, M.H., LVMH, which

27:06

is all those fashion houses and perfumes.

27:08

Like that must annoy him. Elon Musk is

27:10

beaten by the head of a company that sounds like it makes

27:12

something called Elon Musk. That

27:15

must really, really annoy him. But I'm

27:17

here for the two of them knocking seven bells and shit out of

27:19

each other.

27:20

Well, what about you? I'm not even sure that Elon Musk

27:23

knew what a cage match was.

27:25

He's so out of touch and clueless.

27:28

You think that he thinks that he can have

27:30

a second, you know what I mean, to do

27:32

the fighting for him

27:34

and just send someone else to take the pops.

27:37

Well, I think, I mean, I don't mind, I guess

27:39

the idea of Zuckerberg and Musk having

27:41

some kind of contest, but I think they should each

27:43

fight each other using a mechanical

27:46

death robot that they've built themselves. And

27:48

I think that would be a more appropriate contest

27:50

for these two tech mega

27:52

dweebs. But I guess

27:54

you- I like the idea of either of them getting

27:57

beaten up. I

27:59

just- have trouble rooting for one

28:01

of the others. I would like either

28:03

of them to fight, I would

28:05

like both of them to fight

28:07

literally any stevedore in the world.

28:12

I guess, you know, it's a question of fairness and freedom

28:15

of choice, you know, if highly skilled, athletically

28:18

honed professional pugilists are allowed to fight each

28:20

other for money and the entertainment of others, why

28:23

shouldn't tech zillionaires and escaped

28:25

bond villains do the same? And, you know,

28:27

if you stop Zuckerberg and Musk

28:29

pummeling the shit out of each other suspiciously wealthy

28:31

faces, do you not crush the dreams of all the children

28:33

of the world past, present and future?

28:36

No, no, you don't. You

28:39

just make people watch two metaphors for human excess,

28:41

compete in a metaphorical performance art piece about the

28:43

dangers of human excess. I think this should

28:45

only be allowed

28:47

if Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather can

28:49

each set up a multi-billion dollar tech

28:51

company first, then I think it will be a fair

28:54

exchange between the

28:56

tech business and the fight

28:58

business.

28:59

Oh, yeah, I've set up a brand

29:01

new company. Thanks for the cheese. Oh,

29:03

God, no.

29:11

What we're talking about billionaires,

29:15

many billionaires own yachts

29:17

and many yachts likewise

29:20

own billionaires, I think. I forget the relationship

29:22

between the two. But this was a story we picked

29:25

up on a few weeks ago about the ongoing war

29:27

between orcas

29:29

and yachts and essentially

29:31

between

29:32

orcas and plutocrats,

29:35

which I think orcas are naturally a species

29:39

that favors greater redistribution

29:41

of wealth in human society. And they've

29:44

started to try to make that point by

29:47

attacking yachts. And

29:51

we reported on the attacks in

29:53

Gibraltar, off the coast of Gibraltar a few weeks ago.

29:55

It turns out these are now becoming global and

29:58

this is essentially the

29:59

start of the end times if when

30:03

orcas attack yachts, it's

30:06

not long until the entire natural world is ganging

30:08

up against us and turfing

30:10

us off the planet. One expert said that it's unlikely

30:13

there is a revenge element in

30:15

these orca attacks, which to

30:17

me seems to be one of the most deluded pieces

30:20

of bullshit

30:21

I have ever heard. Why would there not

30:23

be a revenge element to

30:26

an orca attacking a yacht? There's no

30:28

logic in that. Can either of you see

30:30

why

30:31

an orca would not be vengeful

30:33

towards humanity? Yes!

30:39

Since killer whales are attacking yachts, since 2020

30:42

there have been 500 reports of orca

30:45

encounters off the Iberian Peninsula, right?

30:48

Some lunatics like you think they're singing

30:50

out rich people's yachts and attacking them. The

30:52

idea that these jumped up sea

30:54

badgers could get together and

30:57

orchestrate attacks on

31:03

only yachts is madness. But my main

31:05

issue with it is the idea that these whales have somehow

31:08

organised themselves to take on boats in Spain

31:10

and Portugal and that's where they'd start.

31:13

No, Japan is where they'd

31:15

start. Norway is where

31:17

they'd start. The next time some Japanese

31:19

or Norwegian whaler looks out over the bow and

31:22

sees 40 orcas heading

31:24

towards and balanced on each other like the human

31:26

pyramidal you used to see on the motorbikes in

31:28

record breakers, you're not firing off

31:30

that harpoon, you're going

31:31

to shit yourself. Remember

31:33

what Attenborough said, never trust something

31:35

that looks like a fish f*** the piano. Orca-spiration

31:41

might be one of the ways of dealing with this problem. It's

31:45

not just that the orcas are attacking

31:47

yachts but for me as a union

31:49

guy they're getting organised.

31:52

Like

31:54

you imagine that the orcas are having meetings,

31:56

planning the way they're doing it.

31:59

that we used to protest like the World

32:02

Trade Organization, is you'd have an affinity group

32:04

that would have a name, you know, like

32:07

the Orca anti-colonial emancipation

32:10

front or whatever, the waterfront

32:12

liberation front. And

32:15

then you'd have a meeting, people would use consensus,

32:18

you know, there would be a motion, and

32:21

then the Orcas would decide, okay,

32:23

I'm gonna take the stern, you're gonna take the aft,

32:26

we're gonna try to jam up the rudders, it's

32:30

like the Orcas have been reading

32:32

some Noam Chomsky and some

32:34

Mount Seitung, Theories of Gorilla Warfare, they're

32:36

ready,

32:37

you know, I'm

32:39

all for it. What do we want?

32:41

Ooh! When

32:44

do we want it? Ooh! ["Ooh!"

32:49

plays in the background.] Andy,

32:53

all week long, I knew that we were

32:56

gonna have to talk about

33:00

the Titan submarine explosion.

33:03

I was following that story,

33:06

I was like, we're gonna have to talk about it on the bugle, but

33:08

the internet had every possible take

33:10

already, do you know what I mean? I was just watching

33:12

joke after joke,

33:14

and then you sweet, sweet

33:16

man came across with

33:18

Boris Johnson's editorial in The Daily Mail,

33:21

and I realized

33:23

that the take I was waiting to hear was Boris Johnson's

33:25

take on the Titan

33:28

submarine accident. Everyone gets

33:30

to weigh in, but the only takes that I want are

33:34

from delusional men who used to be

33:37

powerful. Let's just have a podcast

33:39

of Boris Johnson, Augusto Pinochet,

33:42

and Bill Cosby talking about the

33:45

Ocean Gate fiasco.

33:47

So, at the

33:50

Titanic ship, the historic

33:52

metaphor of human hubris being

33:54

the cause of death more than a century

33:56

later in yet another monument of

33:58

human hubris, being hailed as heroes

34:01

by Boris Johnson, who is

34:03

the embodiment of human hubris himself. It

34:06

couldn't be more on the nose if

34:08

the essay was written

34:10

not just by Boris Johnson, but specifically

34:12

by bacteria living in his nostrils. And

34:15

his profile pic had piles of dead

34:17

bodies of people who died of COVID

34:20

while he was Prime Minister stacked behind him. He

34:24

thinks it's a testament to the greatness of the British

34:26

to explore the frontiers of human knowledge. Meanwhile, 750

34:28

migrants of a boat in

34:30

the biggest sea tragedy of the Mediterranean, since

34:33

the Odyssey,

34:34

the migrants were coming

34:36

from Palestine, Syria, Pakistan, Egypt. He

34:38

wasn't interested in them. They weren't testing the frontiers

34:41

of anything except how quickly Sowela

34:43

Breverent could put them on a plane to Rwanda.

34:46

Well, I mean, he said, but various other

34:49

things that he said in his article, he said, as

34:51

you see, Harding and his friends died in a cause pushing

34:53

out the frontiers of human knowledge and experience that is

34:55

typically British

34:57

and that fills me with pride. Now,

35:00

typically British things

35:03

to do, presumably include

35:07

trying to move from one part of the world to another

35:09

to build a better life. It doesn't get more

35:11

British than that when you look at the history of

35:13

our empire, but he doesn't seem to be applying that

35:16

logic to the

35:18

victims of that tragedy or any other hundreds

35:20

of tragedies like it that we've seen in

35:23

recent years. And also

35:24

it wasn't just a British crew. There

35:27

was a Frenchman, there was an American. Did they

35:29

suddenly become British in their final

35:31

moments? It was one of the weirdest articles

35:36

in Boris Johnson's personal

35:38

history. And that is essentially the

35:41

same as the history of humanity in terms of weird articles.

35:44

He's got quite a lot of entries into the top 100.

35:47

And notably

35:50

he left out Eddie mention of

35:52

the regulatory failures and

35:55

the warnings that were ignored before the vessel

35:57

sent out.

35:58

So before the ship,

35:59

Titan set sail or

36:02

took the plunge.

36:03

Three dozen people were in the company that the thing

36:05

wasn't safe at a depth of 4,000 meters and

36:08

Ocean Gate CEO Stockton Rush decided

36:10

it was safe as it had been tested for safety

36:13

by dipping it gently into a backyard

36:15

swimming pool like a strawberry at a fondue party.

36:18

And it's what a shocker that Mr.

36:20

track and trace didn't mention that

36:23

ignoring advice to that leading

36:25

to death

36:26

as a vanity project that

36:28

the rest of the world calls moronic but Boris Johnson

36:30

calls typically British heroism.

36:34

He also drew parallels

36:36

with the early years of flight and

36:39

the Wright brothers said look at those first flying machines

36:42

weird contraptions of leather and canvas

36:44

and wood as possible he's mixing up with his own former

36:46

number 10 dungeon but we

36:49

don't know about that. He said they were lethal

36:51

and yet no one tried to regulate again we

36:53

don't know what he's writing about that could be anything

36:55

from his political life lethal and

36:58

unregulated but he was talking about the

37:00

early airplanes the whole idea was new

37:02

and to an extent he's got a

37:04

point. All bit that point is completely

37:06

irrelevant and wrong because

37:09

the first occupied submersible went

37:11

to the bottom of the bottomest bit of the bottom of

37:13

the ocean the Marianas Trench in 1960

37:17

that is 63 years ago. This

37:20

is so this is not new saying

37:22

this is new is sort of like saying that gap year students getting

37:24

drunk in Bali are bravely exploring

37:26

the virgin wilderness of the Pacific. It

37:28

is not correct. Does he think

37:31

Jules Verne is still tweeting and it

37:33

just started?

37:34

Oh my god this I've found this new

37:36

influencer he's writing this thing about 2000 leagues

37:38

under the sea. 20,000 leagues under the sea it's amazing.

37:41

By the way lethal and unregulated are what Boris

37:43

Johnson calls his testicles in said book

37:46

dungeon

37:48

and also Orville and Wilbur if he's ever

37:50

said so. He also said that

37:52

Hamish Harding and his fellows were trying to take a new step

37:55

for humanity

37:56

to popularize undersea travel to democratize

37:59

the ocean floor.

37:59

Now again, conservatives from their

38:02

grasp of what democracy is are

38:04

a little off the seesaw. Exhibit 1,

38:07

Boris Johnson's resignation honours

38:09

list in which he tries to bake his cronies

38:11

into our political decision-making system for all

38:14

f***ing time. Besides, it's

38:16

not a new step. It's been

38:18

done a lot. There's so

38:21

much wrong

38:22

with this article and clearly there's deep

38:24

personal tragedy for the families of those involved.

38:27

At the same time, this whole thing

38:29

is beyond idiotic and

38:32

it sits ill at ease with the deeply

38:34

human tragedies that have been given far

38:36

less media coverage. Let's stop

38:39

reading Boris Johnson's columns.

38:42

He's simply the answer to the question, what

38:45

would it look like if the hunchback of Notre

38:47

Dame f***ed a bale of hay? Well,

38:50

Neil, it's all real you saying that now, but what we needed

38:52

was people saying that 25 years

38:55

ago, of which there were

38:56

some, but we ignored them and the rest

38:59

is British history.

39:03

A quick bit of American news now and well,

39:06

there's been a slightly awkward visitor to

39:08

America. Narendra Modi, the Prime Minister

39:11

of India has been visiting America

39:13

and he's a man, as we've talked about in the Bugle multiple

39:15

times, that human rights

39:17

fans find a little hard to

39:19

warm to. He puts

39:23

Western nations in a rather difficult position.

39:25

On the one hand, he is the leader of the world's

39:27

most populous nation. He was elected by a democratic

39:29

vote. And on the other hand,

39:31

Jesus, Narendra, is there any chance

39:34

you could stop being such a c***t? And

39:37

it's an awkward balance

39:40

to strike given that

39:42

he treats the concept of a peaceful,

39:44

multi-faith, multi-ethnic nation the

39:46

same way as a psychotic child treats us,

39:49

captured spider. He just gradually

39:51

pulls each of its legs off

39:53

until there's nothing left.

39:56

The Modi visit also, I

39:58

think, Andy, you're not realising. was an example

40:01

of

40:01

the woke mob running a muck in American

40:03

life.

40:04

They gave in to the libs

40:07

because he came to America for a steak

40:09

dinner and it was a fully vegan, plant-based

40:12

meal. I don't know if you looked

40:14

at the menu, there were two different courses

40:16

of millet.

40:20

And this is bullshit. I don't care if he's a vegetarian.

40:22

He's in America. He should have to eat chicken

40:24

fried steak and steak fried hog and catfish

40:26

fried babies and ham fried whiskey,

40:29

because that's what we do in America, God damn it.

40:32

Oh, this

40:35

is a non-story lads. Right. Oh,

40:37

a former British colony with a green,

40:39

white, and orange flag and a leader of the Indian

40:41

heritage goes to the White House. Happened

40:44

on St. Patrick's Day. Happens all

40:46

the time. We're always there.

40:48

We have our own key, essentially. This

40:51

is just a non-story.

40:53

He did a big yoga event

40:55

as well on the Wednesday, which was, I was

40:58

very impressed with his yoga positions, I have to say. Did

41:00

you see them?

41:00

He did a authoritarian

41:02

nationalist post where you

41:05

turn to the right. That's

41:08

it. The

41:10

paranoid populist pose where you look over

41:12

your shoulder and you're just always doing that,

41:14

really. Government human

41:16

rights pose where you hover because you

41:19

do not have a fucking leg to stand.

41:22

Well, it's only fair to say that Modi doesn't merely split

41:24

opinion. He dices it up and cabs it. And

41:27

as history shows, it's all very well

41:30

supporting human rights as we like to do. But

41:32

that political impulse often found

41:34

us when it comes up against the words,

41:36

nuclear-armed trade partner with almost 1.5 billion

41:39

potential customers. And that is why

41:41

Modi is such an awkward

41:43

man for Western countries to

41:46

deal with. Also, it's a bit hard for countries like America

41:48

and specifically the UK

41:51

to tell Modi's India, you

41:53

should be more careful with the kind of people you put in

41:55

charge of your country. Those words are

41:57

rigging even holier than they used to.

42:00

after the past 10 years.

42:05

That brings us to the end of this week's

42:08

Bugle. The Bugle Ashes Zoltz cast

42:10

bringing you daily statistics from

42:12

the Ashes Cricket Series will

42:15

be continuing with the Lord's test beginning on Wednesday

42:17

the 28th. Thank you for listening

42:20

so far. If you've enjoyed it do tell everyone you

42:22

know. It will be featuring producer Chris

42:25

from now on. We're going to turn it into a bit of a two-hander over

42:28

the the course of this next test.

42:31

It was, Nate, I don't know if it was big news

42:33

in America, the first Ashes test. It was a

42:35

journey into the very nature of drama itself,

42:37

a swirling narrative of human and mathematical fluctuations.

42:40

It was pretty much the high point of all

42:43

human civilization. Did it get much traction

42:45

in the States?

42:48

Nope, not a problem. Nate,

42:51

do you have anything to plug?

42:52

I sure do. Buglers

42:55

of New Mexico on Saturday July

42:57

8th. I'll be headlining the Dry Heat Comedy Club.

43:00

Go to their website DryHeatComedyClub

43:02

for tickets. I mean and also buy

43:04

my albums. I'm preferably on Bandcamp,

43:07

the whiteness album. Mr. Nato Green on

43:09

Instagram, the usual.

43:10

Neil, what have you got coming up?

43:13

I've got the podcast out this week. Why

43:15

would you tell me that? And this week we

43:17

talked to a man, a scientist, about why

43:19

if you drink with diet mixers you

43:21

actually get pissed more quickly than if you drink

43:24

with normal mixers. That's practical

43:26

life advice that we need from podcasting. Next

43:29

week we have we explore

43:31

how a word gets into a language. So

43:34

English usually kind of takes words in organically, but for

43:36

other languages, particularly minority languages, how

43:39

does, how, what's the Irish word

43:40

or the Scots Gaelic word for fidget spinner?

43:43

Somebody has to decide and we talk about that. And

43:45

I'm doing the Edinburgh, I'm not doing the festival,

43:48

but I'm doing the stand in Edinburgh in September.

43:50

So you can get your tickets at the usual places.

43:53

Before we go, we have a couple of things to plug.

43:55

The Dancy Le Garde book, funded

43:58

by you Bugle listener.

43:59

is approaching its funding target. Chris,

44:02

this is the full transcripts

44:05

of all the Dancy Lagarde

44:06

masterpieces from Alice

44:09

Fraser. I can confirm Andy that

44:12

as of this afternoon, we

44:14

have passed the funding target

44:16

and it is no longer a pledge. We're now

44:18

officially in pre-order phase. The

44:21

book is happening, but people can still

44:23

pre-order

44:24

now and get signed

44:27

copies of the book and all kinds of other things.

44:29

And Alice and I had a call earlier on

44:32

today and she now realises that

44:34

she's actually got to do some writing. So congratulations,

44:36

Alice. Good luck. People

44:39

can pre-order the book now, sign copies,

44:42

go to unbound.com or go to our

44:44

website or go to the other places

44:46

on the internet. It's there. That

44:49

is the sound of Bugle listeners calling someone's

44:51

bluff. Yeah.

44:53

Also, Chris,

44:56

you have a charity bike ride coming up. I

44:58

do. So on Friday morning, which

45:00

is the 30th of June, Andy, I'm

45:02

going to wake up at sunrise, which

45:05

I think is about 4.45 AM in the UK that day.

45:08

And I'm going to get on my bicycle and I'm just

45:11

going to start cycling. I've got

45:13

no route, no one with me.

45:16

I'm just going to keep going. I think,

45:18

depending on, I'm going to go with the wind.

45:20

I think I can do two, 300 kilometres maybe, all

45:23

being well. Maybe

45:26

I'll get to Yorkshire or Bristol or

45:28

something. And

45:30

I'm putting myself through this. Well, one, because I'm

45:33

an idiot and I like hurting myself in

45:35

such idiot ways. And two,

45:37

I'm doing it for a charity called Sea

45:39

Watch, who are a Mediterranean-based

45:42

charity. They're the guys who are in

45:44

the Mediterranean

45:46

basically trying to save migrants'

45:49

lives off the coast of Libya and

45:51

Greece and all that. And so it will

45:53

hopefully fund a little bit, the boats and

45:55

the helicopters that they use to try to save people's

45:58

lives. And how can people.

45:59

uh support your ridiculous

46:03

literally pointless and endless bike

46:05

ride yes um they can

46:08

go to the show

46:10

notes for this program

46:12

and um i'll put a link in the

46:14

in the show notes or i'll put

46:16

a link up on twitter at some point as well at producer

46:18

chris

46:19

there we go do uh support chris

46:21

and his lunacy it's cycling

46:24

based lunacy if ever there was a metaphor

46:26

for the political leadership of the

46:28

UK just start

46:31

riding and see where you end up

46:33

with no direction literally

46:35

letting the wind decide the course

46:38

i mean i'm not saying it's a good idea new i

46:40

think we all know it's not a good idea but

46:44

at least for once someone will actually benefit

46:46

from it yes there we go um thank you

46:49

for listening buglers we will be back uh next

46:51

week don't forget to listen in to all

46:54

the latest numbers from the cricket on

46:56

the bugle ashes saltcast until then goodbye