0:00

Buglers, we are live from Leicester

0:02

Square Theatre on the 16th of September

0:04

with Chris Addison and Alice Fraser.

0:07

It might be our only London date of the year,

0:09

so get your tickets now!

0:13

Oh,

0:13

get them at thebuglepodcast.com. That

0:16

bit's important. Don't forget that if you join the Bugle

0:18

voluntary subscription scheme, as

0:20

a premium level voluntary subscriber, we

0:22

will be issuing a vinyl episode

0:25

of the Bugle. What?! I didn't know

0:28

this! Because you didn't listen to last week's episode.

0:31

What a revelation. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!

0:43

Hello

0:47

Buglers! And welcome to issue 4273 of

0:50

the world's first and I sincerely hope last audio newspaper

0:52

for a visual world. We

0:57

are now deep into season 6. I

1:00

think approximately point four of an episode

1:03

into season 6. Way longer than the

1:06

disappointing season 5. I'm Andy Zaltzman,

1:08

the Michelangelo of surfing. In

1:10

that, like Michelangelo, I've never been surfing

1:13

and I'd rather paint some stuff on a wall than go

1:15

surfing. Unfortunately, I'm also the

1:17

Michelangelo of painting stuff on walls. In that,

1:19

like Michelangelo, I haven't done anything even

1:21

half decent for at least 48 years and 11 months.

1:24

It's the 11th of September 2023 and

1:27

this week we are back where it all began.

1:30

Sorry, not where it all began. Where we occasionally

1:33

used to record when we couldn't get a studio anywhere

1:35

else in the pre-pandemic pandemonium

1:38

years. The studio in Cochlain,

1:41

home of the famous Cochlain ghost named Scratching

1:43

Fanny,

1:43

as long-term Bugle listeners may

1:45

remember. Where the Great Fire

1:47

of London apparently stopped and where

1:50

we last recorded in January 2020.

1:55

And we had a science section that

1:57

was, well, I think we can say...

1:59

complacent and prescient

2:02

at the same time. We spoke, we had news

2:04

of a virus outbreak early

2:06

in 2020, spoiler alert, in case you've

2:09

not been following the news since then, that

2:12

everyone we said was getting too worried

2:14

about and we also had a report from scientists

2:16

saying that hibernation was

2:19

possible shortly before the world hibernated.

2:22

So anyway, let's, we've

2:24

got to be careful what we discuss

2:26

in this episode, that's what I'm saying, this place

2:29

has strangeness in its bones.

2:31

Joining me this week, welcome

2:34

back to Nish Kumar and Tom

2:36

Ballard, all in the studio together

2:39

as God intended. Hurray!

2:41

Back in Coq Lane. Yes. Next

2:44

week in Vajali. Sorry

2:47

about this rash here, I've got on my arm Andy,

2:49

I'm sure it's nothing but I just, I've been getting

2:51

on my nerves a little bit, I just don't want to do all that

2:54

but shall we fine. Good

2:56

to see you Andrew, how are you? I'm

2:58

pretty well. I think we did

3:01

the news quiz together early

3:03

in 2020 when we covered it. Yeah, we definitely

3:06

did. Yeah, we definitely did a bit of coverage of an unspecified

3:12

virus and then I guess a couple

3:14

of months later this trio assembled

3:17

to record one of the very early socially

3:20

distanced vehicle episodes.

3:24

And yet we didn't do anything, you know, our satire didn't change

3:26

anything or help at all in any way, it's like it's just

3:28

carried on abated. I mean, I think it's absolutely

3:31

wiped out all viruses from the

3:33

world currently, I've not heard about that.

3:35

Well, given that I did have COVID

3:37

three weeks ago, it's

3:41

embarrassing to have COVID in

3:44

the summer of 2023. It's

3:47

like having bubonic plays. Lame.

3:52

Yeah, get up with it grandpa. All that monkey

3:54

pox fail. Floss

3:58

in a video. I'd

4:01

like to acknowledge that I'm wearing a bugle t-shirt. Yes,

4:03

well done for that. Thank you. Well, it was the last clean

4:05

t-shirt that I had at the moment, so the cycle worked

4:07

out well. Well, and I'd also like to say that

4:10

I will be bugling with a bugle

4:12

branded butt plug up my eye. Oh, right, OK. I

4:14

thought it was a cotclane special. I'd ram it right up

4:16

there. OK. And see how it affects

4:19

the content of my satire. Well, thanks for

4:21

being one of our premium level volunteers. I'll get the idea.

4:24

I think I just

4:27

don't have to remember why I usually don't get

4:29

you to bugle.

4:34

I think we might have to call it an end of Season 6 of

4:36

this one. Here's

4:38

what happened. I've had two coffees in quite

4:40

quick succession. Oh, that'll be better for the month,

4:43

like. Well,

4:45

we're all very excited to be here in cotclane,

4:48

obviously.

4:49

I now remember the risks of recording in this

4:51

video. We're recording

4:54

on the 11th of September, 2023. So for this week's

4:57

anniversary, tomorrow is the 12th of

4:59

September. Wow,

5:02

Andy. Does the phrase never forget to be a cotclane special?

5:06

No, it's not. It's a cotclane special.

5:10

Wow, Andy. Does the phrase never forget

5:12

mean nothing to you? On

5:17

the 12th of September. By the time people listen

5:20

to it, it will be the 12th of September. Oh, yeah, that's right. So

5:22

it seems more appropriate. This

5:24

is the conventionally accepted date,

5:26

according to Wikipedia, for

5:29

the Battle of Marathon in 490 BC. When

5:32

the Greeks saw off the first Persian

5:35

invasion force, the battle famously

5:37

gave rise to an athletics event. I forget

5:39

which one. A triple jump. The

5:42

Greek commander, Milt Aidee, escaped from his

5:45

Persian enemies by jumping over a river. He

5:47

hopped onto a small rock, skipped onto the back of a

5:49

turtle, and then jumped to safety on the fast side.

5:52

That marathon also famous for being the first major battle

5:54

ever fought to raise money for charity, with

5:56

a significant number of participating warriors in

5:58

fancy dresses. The person

6:00

who complains that the Greeks only won because they were wearing

6:02

high-tech new shoes that made them faster were

6:05

overruled by the adjudicator So it's stuck

6:08

at a Greek win in

6:10

the top on the 12th of September 1940 Cave

6:13

paintings were discovered in Lascaux

6:16

in France Known as the less

6:18

gold cave paintings or in sponey vamos

6:20

cave paintings or the kabam cave

6:23

paintings in Australia

6:26

13,000 BC they've been dated to it's amazing how

6:28

much prehistoric art was painted

6:31

in years at the beginnings of millenniums BC

6:33

Because it's always not 35,000 BC 27,000 BC 15,000

6:37

BC. I guess they probably

6:39

just commissioned it to commemorate millenniums just like

6:41

we do with domes Everything

6:44

just gets rounded up Andy like

6:47

eventually the past just all gets rounded

6:49

up to the we're basically recording this in 1900 Um

6:54

on the walls uh any guesses

6:56

what was on the walls f***ing bison of course

6:59

it's f***ing bison Always with the five

7:01

come on. I had one drawing of a car He's

7:04

telling me prehistoric people didn't have a sense of humor

7:07

Um on this day in 19 what on tomorrow's

7:10

day in 1962 12th of september

7:12

john f kennedy delivered his famous We

7:14

choose to go to the moon speech Um,

7:17

he said we choose to go to the moon not because it is easy, but

7:19

because we can't let the commies get there Sadly

7:23

the moon turned out to be a lot further away than Kennedy

7:25

or anyone else had thought at the time estimates in 1962 suggested

7:28

the moon was only 120 meters across and

7:30

a mere two miles off the ground They planned to

7:32

do it within a week using a trampoline and a simple rocket

7:35

propelled backpack Or by getting an astronaut

7:37

to straddle a giant firework whilst wearing flying

7:39

goggles They're NASA that acknowledge the folly of hiring

7:41

warner brothers animation director chuck jones

7:44

creator of the wiley coyote franchise

7:46

character As head of lunar missions now

7:48

the soviets mean well focus on the theory that

7:50

suppressing poetry and starving their own people to

7:52

death in their Millions would accelerate space travel

7:55

by incentivizing cosmonauts to get the Kennedy

8:00

He sadly himself was destined never to go

8:02

to the moon in his career. Peeted out rapidly the following

8:04

year and was assassinated by... I've

8:07

got to say, is that public domain yet? He

8:09

has gone down in my estimation. Excellent

8:12

snooker player but that is unacceptable

8:14

to the whole game.

8:21

Otherwise the section of the building

8:22

is going straight in the bin. This

8:25

week, home worsening section, home

8:27

improvement was all the rage a few years ago and has now become

8:29

very posse as more and more people look to make

8:31

their homes worse. Everything

8:34

comes and goes in cycles, various reasons. Not

8:37

wanting to be surrounded by the trappings of privilege, the

8:40

cruel batterings of modern economics amongst the

8:42

reasons people make their homes worse. So we look

8:44

at the latest home worsening accoutrements

8:47

you can get. The one legged sofa, for

8:49

example. The best trip hazards to make you clock up a

8:51

minimum of five tow stubbings per week. We

8:53

advise you how to maximise the mouldiness of your

8:55

carpets. Using some lighting tips

8:58

you can now get interrogation lights from

9:00

former black ops CIA sites on the internet

9:02

and they can make you feel really uncomfortable in

9:04

your own kitchen so you might want to consider that. And

9:06

in terms of painting we suggest painting

9:09

everything a mildly depressive grey

9:11

using the leftovers from your recent home improvement

9:13

drive. That section is in the

9:15

bin. Top

9:20

story this week, the G20

9:23

have met and they have... Well

9:25

you're never going to guess this. They've issued a statement.

9:29

It's hard to overstate quite how exciting

9:31

a moment this is. The issuing

9:33

of a statement by leaders of the world

9:35

for leading economic powers. We previewed

9:38

the G20 on last week's show

9:40

here to review all the action

9:43

from India, if we can still call

9:46

it that. My two G20

9:48

expert correspondents, Nish and

9:50

Tom. What

9:53

would the highlights be for you? In

9:55

terms of the statement when it came to Ukraine,

9:58

they've called on... States to

10:01

refrain from the threat or use

10:03

of force to seek territorial

10:06

acquisition and You

10:08

can imagine Moscow Literally

10:11

shitting itself in its boots at those

10:13

words Listen a lot of a lot of the

10:15

naysayers will come together and

10:17

say the G20 is nothing but a glorified

10:20

photo opportunity And it's actually a waste

10:22

of time for a lot of people who should have much more

10:24

significant things on their plate and to Those people

10:26

I would say this yeah Yeah,

10:29

absolutely right. It's a complete waste of everyone's fucking

10:31

time everyone's fucking money It's

10:33

a complete and utter shit show the

10:36

yeah The they came together under

10:39

a slogan of one earth one family

10:41

one future and I would say given

10:44

Hitler's slogan I Would

10:47

where possible avoid a slogan that

10:49

involves repeated use of the word one? It

10:52

was yeah, and in terms of one color I

11:03

Think that was an ideal slogan choice Yeah,

11:05

the in terms of Ukraine yet There was

11:08

a statement that was actually

11:10

a watered-down version of last

11:12

year's even more water down

11:14

Like it's gave worse and worse. It's

11:16

a

11:16

homeopathic approach There's

11:20

the memory of diplomacy somewhere

11:22

in the comments, but it actually has

11:24

no medical impact whatsoever In

11:28

terms of on climate change They

11:30

said the there was a statement released that said the

11:32

G20 countries will pursue and encourage efforts to triple

11:34

renewable energy capacity Globally through existing

11:37

targets and policies no new targets No

11:39

new policies announced bear in mind

11:42

the G20 nations account for depending

11:44

on which estimate you read either 75 or 80 percent

11:47

of greenhouse gas emissions you thought

11:49

there might be more Stronger statement and

11:51

this is ahead of the upcoming global climate

11:53

change summit, which is happening in can you guess where oh,

11:56

yeah That's right the United Arab Emirates

12:00

like a vegan conference happening in a f**king

12:02

McDonald's. And

12:04

you know, is it a surprise that

12:06

they were able to achieve nothing? It's a

12:08

group of world leaders that means that

12:10

there are going to be some spicy customers

12:13

present. OK? Probably

12:16

chief amongst them. Vladimir Putin was not present. Russia

12:18

was not present. And China also didn't

12:20

send delegation. She was not present. However,

12:23

the man who was present was Mohammed

12:26

bin Salman of Saudi Arabia, the

12:28

man who puts the Mohammed bin Salman

12:30

into the phrase, US intelligence

12:32

believes Mohammed bin Salman authorized the

12:35

assassination of Washington Post journalist Marcus

12:37

I.G. Well, you

12:39

say it's just a photo opportunity, but they didn't

12:41

even f**king do the photo. The

12:43

family photo did not go ahead. The G20

12:45

family photo, no reason was officially given. Reports

12:48

say many ladies refused to be photographed pointing

12:50

to Russia's presence at the summit. And I

12:52

was furious. The G20 family photo has

12:54

been my number one masturbation material for

12:57

years. I look forward to it like Christmas,

12:59

those dignitaries smiling awkwardly and looking deeply

13:02

uncomfortable in local traditional dress used

13:04

to make the absolutely rock hard. And I've been able to

13:06

have a new G20 jizz tuggy for two years.

13:09

Thanks a lot, Putin. Andy, you're not saying anything. I'm

13:12

saying a lot on the inside. Yeah,

13:16

I mean,

13:21

Ukraine fought understatement

13:24

with understatement. It

13:26

took part in last year's summit, but was NFI this

13:29

year. And responding to this statement,

13:32

calling on states that refrain from the threat or use

13:34

of force, said

13:36

the statement was nothing to be proud

13:38

of, which is a rather polite way of saying

13:41

an absolute f**king disgrace

13:44

and betrayal of all humanity. Excitingly,

13:46

though, there is a new permanent member of the G20. The

13:49

African Union, I don't know, are

13:51

we going to have to do new merch at G21

13:53

now or is someone going to get relegated?

13:57

Listen, as a nation, Britain

13:59

has been trying. We've been trying to be

14:01

relegated out of the G20. We're doing our level

14:03

best. That's going to be

14:05

Australia, isn't it? No. One

14:10

of the other big stories to emerge

14:12

from the conference was

14:15

the use of, well,

14:18

a different name for India on some

14:20

of the official pronunciations, Bharat.

14:23

Apologies

14:23

if I've pronounced that. I tell

14:25

you, how would you go with that, Nish? Bharat. But

14:28

again, as I'm

14:30

constantly reminded by my Indian family, I am, quote,

14:33

not a real Indian. As

14:36

I'm constantly reminded by the British press, I'm not a real

14:38

British person anyway. I

14:40

sort of exist in a liminal space between

14:43

nationalities. Really? What, so some of you are hovering

14:45

over the Turkish airspace somewhere? I'm

14:48

Schrödinger's dude. Are

14:54

you suggesting Schrödinger kept a hot

14:56

dude in a box? I

14:59

don't know, here is, anyway. I

15:01

think, I think. I

15:03

think Schrödinger was a total... I'm

15:06

pretty sure Schrödinger kept. I

15:15

think we can credibly call them question marks

15:17

over here. So

15:21

explain this, because it

15:23

is an official name of

15:26

India, but it still splits

15:29

opinion in India, what, you know, how

15:31

it should be used and when it should be used. Yeah, Bharat

15:33

is the Sanskrit term for

15:37

the nation of India, but it's a bit

15:39

more complicated than that because it sort of refers to

15:41

a larger

15:43

territory than the modern nation of India

15:46

that extends actually down towards India. There's

15:52

been a kind of, over the last

15:54

sort of 20 years, there's been a kind of movement

15:56

to move away from either

15:58

Mughal or British collab. colonial names for

16:01

places in India. Bombay became

16:03

Mumbai, Bangalore became Bengaluru.

16:06

And so this feels like a sort of logical

16:10

extension of that potentially, but it's

16:12

very difficult to not see this as

16:14

kind of a

16:17

problem that has gripped the BJP, which is a kind

16:19

of obsession with nationalistic symbols instead

16:22

of in lieu of actually doing things

16:24

that might help people. And here's the thing

16:26

about Narendra Modi, say what you will about him and

16:28

you will be in jail.

16:33

I would describe his relationship with certain

16:35

communities in India. I'd describe him as being Muslim

16:37

skeptic. I think

16:39

that's the best way to characterize he's Muslim

16:42

skeptic. He's got a sort

16:45

of, he's yet to fall down one way

16:47

or the other on the whole Muslim

16:50

question. So what's

16:52

the question?

16:55

Yeah, it's not a good guy.

16:58

And he's kind of, this

17:00

is sort of seen as it feels

17:02

like this is another kind of publicity stunt designed

17:05

to kind of drum up a nationalistic fervor. And

17:07

there was something interesting this week where he had all the

17:09

world leaders walk without shoes

17:11

and socks in tribute to Mahatma

17:13

Gandhi. And the reason that is interesting is

17:16

because Narendra Modi himself has been pretty

17:18

keen to invoke the memory of Mahatma

17:20

Gandhi. However, a lot

17:22

of his supporters are pretty

17:25

hostile towards Gandhi.

17:27

And the roots of the BJP have has

17:29

a kind of roots in an organization called the RSS,

17:32

which is a kind of Hindu nationalist paramilitary

17:34

organization that has traditionally been

17:36

pretty hostile to Gandhi,

17:40

who was so hostile that he assassinated

17:42

Mahatma Gandhi. And I would say that is too

17:45

hostile.

17:47

I would say if you're assassinating somebody, you've gone

17:49

too far. What happened to a strongly worded

17:51

letter God's sake? Did British

17:54

rule leave no legacy behind? If

18:01

you really had a problem with Gandhi, you should have learned

18:03

from the British and taken him over using

18:05

a string of complex board-lining comprehensible

18:07

trade agreements. Civilisation. I

18:10

was interested in this. Some people

18:12

obviously not on board with the whole idea of officially

18:14

changing the country to Bharat. This

18:17

is Shashi Tharoor, a lawmaker for the

18:19

Indian National Congress Party. While there is no constitutional

18:22

objection to calling India Bharat, which is one of the country's

18:24

two official names, I hope the government will not be

18:26

so foolish as to completely dispense with India, which

18:29

has incalculable brand value

18:31

built up over said street. So

18:33

I think she's done a lot of market research out there, a lot of focus

18:35

testing, found that consumers strongly associate

18:38

the name India with the country that heaps of people call

18:40

India. Calling

18:42

India India is extremely on brand for India. Shashi

18:44

Tharoor is a man. He is a man.

18:47

Oh, he's very much a man. I apologise. Why

18:50

did I think that? He's written

18:52

books about cricket, I think. He

18:54

was also like undersecretary to the UN.

19:03

We all judge people like different parameters in

19:06

terms of the importance of their work. I

19:08

won't ask Tom to pick that line

19:10

up, but I think we'll keep it. Yes,

19:15

great. Excellent. He was undersecretary

19:17

general of the United Nations. You

19:20

just said, I think he wrote some books

19:22

about cricket. Christ,

19:26

life. I will say this

19:28

for you, Patrick. You've

19:32

got a world for you. And he is

19:34

ultimately inflexible. A

19:38

number of world leaders were criticised for

19:41

giving Modi, quotes, a free pass at

19:43

this summit despite his persecution of

19:45

Muslims and other minorities in India.

19:48

That is one of the problems with the G20, because

19:51

most of those countries do not have even

19:53

the flimsiest of legs to handle. And

19:56

if countries start boycotting other

19:58

countries because of morally objecting. It would not

20:00

be a G20, it would be a G0. It

20:04

might benefit humanity a bit more. What

20:06

I would say Andy, is with your

20:09

idea of a G0, would

20:11

that achieve any less than

20:13

a G20? If they had

20:15

just hired a hall and left it empty

20:19

for the exact amount of time of the G20 summit, would

20:22

we be in any sort of different position

20:24

than we are now? Yes, exactly the same

20:26

amount of climate action and condemnation of the Russian Federation,

20:28

that's true. It

20:31

would cost a lot less, we'd put the same amount of energy into

20:33

it.

20:36

Britain going

20:38

to shit update now, and as

20:41

if things weren't already

20:43

going bad enough in reality, Liz

20:46

Truss is bringing a book

20:48

out. Tom,

20:50

I know you're hugely excited about this as a fan of

20:53

all the three works. It's

20:55

entitled Ten Years to Save

20:57

the West, the subtitle, presumably

20:59

being After My Six Weeks in Child. I

21:02

mean, what are

21:04

you most looking forward to from this? Well, I promise it to be

21:07

one of the

21:08

landmark

21:09

literary productions of this and any other millennium.

21:12

It's going to be huge. Ten Years to

21:14

Save the West, yes, fell up to a previous work, 44

21:17

Days to F*** the Country. So she's done

21:19

that, so surely she knows the reverse way to do that. And

21:21

I think, step one, I've had a preview of

21:23

the book, I think step one of Saving the West is Make

21:25

Sure Liz Truss Doesn't Become Prime Minister Again. Step

21:27

two is, is she PM again? No, good, keep

21:29

doing that. Let's press on. I think

21:31

it's going to be amazing. Pempered with newsworthy anecdotes

21:34

from a time in public life, such as a memorable last

21:36

meeting with Queen Elizabeth II. Her

21:39

last meeting. Her challenges to Vladimir

21:42

Putin and Xi Jinping as Foreign Secretary, her encounters

21:44

with the travel administration as Trade Minister and a dismay,

21:46

the political class attempts to betray Brexit. This

21:48

book will be a timely warning about the perils facing

21:51

conservatism in the years ahead. So

21:54

thank God that conservatism is going to be ending this warning

21:56

from someone who knows how to f*** things up properly. I'm

21:58

excited about this book. the publishers that brought

22:01

you the Joseph Fritzl Guide to Parenting

22:04

comes how to save the West from a woman who,

22:07

to be fair, murdered the pound

22:09

and the Queen, allegedly.

22:12

Yeah, we don't know about the pound. All

22:15

of that. Yeah,

22:22

she was promoting it in the Daily Mail, which

22:24

for international listeners is basically Dersh

22:26

Dermer for the men called Nigel who live

22:28

in the home counties of like Formula One. And

22:31

she promoted it, but

22:33

the whole, the title of the book, the premise

22:35

of the book and her promotion of the book seemed hell-bent

22:38

on indulging the most

22:40

cranky of crankish conspiracy

22:42

theories from the hard right on the internet. She

22:45

said, I really fear for the future of the West.

22:48

We have seen very slow growth for

22:50

several decades and our culture is being questioned, even

22:52

basic things like human biology. At

22:55

the same time, the same thing has happened

22:57

across the Western world. At one G7 meeting, I thought,

22:59

actually, I'm the only conservative in the room here.

23:02

You've got Biden in the US, Trudeau in Canada, Macron

23:04

in France. Really

23:07

it's like, she really is indulging that there

23:09

is a genuinely dangerous side to this. She's

23:12

indulging some of the most unpleasant

23:15

conspiracy theories about like great replacement

23:17

theory and about how the West is under threat.

23:20

But the important thing to remember is she

23:22

is **** **** **** and she can ruin absolutely

23:25

everything. So there is a chance that Liz Trust

23:28

could be the solution. She's actually said of

23:30

the upcoming US election that what we really

23:32

need is a Republican back in the White House. Biden

23:35

should be printing that on posters

23:36

right now. A woman who was prime

23:38

minister for less time than the lifespan of a leftist

23:41

is now openly endorsing Donald

23:44

Trump. And you know, I think she, you

23:46

know, she does know how to build a political

23:48

career. It's just not a good one. Liz Trust's

23:50

recipe for a political career is take Margaret

23:52

Baster's Wikipedia page and add in

23:54

a metric ton of crystal meth. And

23:57

bang, you've got yourself a political philosophy.

23:59

I was intrigued by this bit of the blurb. I

24:02

said that trust were warned that too many of her fellow conservatives

24:04

have allowed themselves to be captured by the left-wing

24:07

influences that set the agenda

24:09

and frame the debate. Now,

24:12

bear in mind that she is a conservative

24:14

prime minister. She has been followed by another

24:16

conservative prime minister. She was preceded by

24:18

three other conservative prime ministers. They

24:22

have been, certainly in Britain, running,

24:25

if that's the right term, the country for

24:27

13 years. I mean, when your

24:30

governments and national leaders have become conspiracy

24:33

theorists about who is really running stuff,

24:36

you know you've got problems as a species. No,

24:39

the big problem with the world today is the left has too much

24:41

power. And being a two-left wing

24:43

in economics is too lefty, and it's lefty, lefty,

24:45

lefty. She literally used the phrase global

24:47

left. She said the global left was in control. Ideas

24:49

like redistributionism, which I'm

24:52

not completely convinced that's a word. Business

24:55

being bad, the anti-growth people like Extinction

24:57

Rebellion and just Stop Oil. Those are the

24:59

ideas that have made the running in the last decade.

25:01

And who can forget just

25:04

Stop Oil's victory in the 2016

25:06

presidential election? It was

25:08

a big surprise that an organization

25:11

that at that point didn't exist won

25:14

a US presidential election. But

25:16

it was a really, really huge moment. I

25:19

mean, if there are people that think

25:22

businesses are bad, I would say that's largely

25:24

been the fault of businesses. She

25:27

also said, only if

25:29

the West recommits to building both strong

25:31

societies and strong economies,

25:34

there's a bit of a credibility gap here,

25:38

given the essential demolition

25:40

of society by successive government

25:42

and her own economic strategy seemingly being

25:44

designed during an opium field Jenga

25:47

session. Also,

25:52

she says, only then can we guarantee voters

25:54

a free and meaningful choice in their destiny. A

25:57

free and meaningful choice. I

26:00

mean, just from a British point of view, we have First Bar supposed,

26:07

we have the House of Lords and we have

26:10

her as a Yeah,

26:12

and bear in mind, our current Prime Minister is a conservative

26:15

who was chosen by a fraction of a percent

26:17

of that fraction of a percent. I

26:20

like that you're building societies. Let's start with schools.

26:22

Okay, Liz, let's just build actual buildings

26:25

that aren't crashing children in the head. Then

26:28

focus on building your right wing conservative utopia.

26:35

Well, that goes onto our next story that

26:39

you just hinted out there, the concrete in schools story. I

26:41

mean, normally at this point of the year, you've got the new school

26:43

year, your focus is on buying new

26:45

shoes for your children, then

26:48

seeing their friends again. The excited anticipation

26:50

of another nine months as de facto

26:52

guinea pigs in the social engineering experiments of whoever the current

26:54

government is. Sorry, being

26:56

people at school. And the

26:58

reason is because

27:01

for decades, we've been using

27:03

aerated concrete that

27:05

is lighter, less dense and less durable

27:08

and more prone to sudden catastrophic collapse

27:11

than regular concrete. Raising the question,

27:13

who's looked at concrete and thought, I

27:15

tell you this stuff, it's been a bit more brittle.

27:20

It's been used in a lot of schools, hospitals

27:22

and other public buildings, many

27:24

of which are pretty high up the list of buildings you would really

27:26

rather did not suddenly collapse, which

27:29

is quite a hotly contested list, to

27:31

be honest. And the problem with it as a

27:33

building material is that it's only safe

27:36

for strapping short term planning fans. 30 years,

27:39

or to put it in terms you might more easily understand if you're

27:42

a fan of buildings, approximately 1.5% of

27:44

the lifespan of an ancient Roman Colosseum,

27:47

or just slightly less than one and a half

27:50

Jimmy Anderson's England cricket career. I

27:55

mean, that's not really... He's got a world view. That's

27:59

not really... That's

28:01

not enough, is it? For a building

28:04

such as a school? Well,

28:06

we're talking about, you know, state schools

28:08

here and under Tories, how long are they going to

28:10

last, really? I mean, like, you know, what's the lifespan

28:13

on public education system? I

28:15

mean, I guess, tap into that fundamental

28:18

question of government, do we actually

28:20

need children? Yes. What

28:22

do they do? Why do we allow them? At

28:25

best, they're going to grab and vote Labour.

28:28

Sure. Until

28:30

they grow up and find sense. So,

28:32

yeah, I mean, maybe this is just part of the plan.

28:35

Part of the plan just to get rid of children.

28:38

They just whinge about things like, oh, we can't

28:40

afford houses and the climate's collapsing. Yeah.

28:43

Yeah, exactly. Well, you know, education

28:46

in this country has long been designed to spiritually

28:48

cross children. Take

28:50

it into a physical way. Yeah.

28:53

It's not a great way for metaphors

28:55

laying it onto kids. I

28:58

mean, I think it might have been the most metaphorical

29:00

summer we've had in this country. We've

29:02

just had, you know, lonely turds from bathing

29:05

on British beaches for

29:07

national decline and now crumbly schools.

29:11

I actually, I'm making

29:13

a TV show for Sky here where

29:15

I go work for local newspapers. And last week I was

29:17

working for the South Wales Argus

29:20

and we went down to a river and an actual

29:23

scientist who works

29:25

on river pollution. When I

29:27

asked him about the state of the river, asked

29:29

in Wales, he used the phrase, the

29:32

E. coli is the least of our problem.

29:38

I was talking to him and

29:40

the singer, Charlotte Church, who's very involved in

29:42

campaign to clean up that river. I can't remember which of the two

29:45

of them it was, but one of the two of them definitely

29:47

used the phrase, the E. coli is the least of our problems. We've

29:49

got rivers full of shit. We've got collapsing schools.

29:52

And there are a lot of questions for Rishi

29:54

Sunak because officials, former

29:57

officials from the Department of Education have alleged...

30:00

that Sunak was told

30:02

how grave the risk was of these buildings

30:05

when he was chancellor and refused to commit the

30:07

cash needed to keep the buildings

30:09

upright and the children safe. So

30:11

there are questions swirling for Rishi Sunak,

30:14

which adds to the list of my questions for him,

30:17

which are, why don't you f*** off and

30:19

how did you get to be so much of a... Well,

30:22

some experts have suggested that the cost of repairing

30:25

all these buildings could be as much as £150 million,

30:28

but using the approach adopted

30:30

by Sunak as a chance, you can bring that price

30:32

down considerably by just

30:35

not bothering to do anything about it, which

30:37

constitutes a bargain in public spending

30:39

terms. Another way of doing it is to work the statistics.

30:43

So if you have, say, 147 schools awaiting repairs and you tell 142 of those

30:45

schools that

30:50

they're not going to get those repairs, you

30:52

have reduced the number of schools waiting for repairs

30:54

from 147 to 5, which is pretty much fixing the problem.

30:59

And it's an educational experience, right? You're teaching children

31:02

how to problem solve. The school

31:04

around you is about to collapse and kill you all. What

31:06

are you going to do? Well, you're teaching them physics.

31:09

Physics. You're teaching them engineering. Engineering,

31:11

economics, the dangers of insane

31:14

short-term cost cutting. It's

31:16

good for physical education. It's learning

31:18

to run away as far as possible. You're

31:20

going to have some high quality sprinters

31:22

coming through. And technology, you're building

31:26

hats that can withstand falling concrete. Love

31:28

that. Love that. And best of all,

31:30

they're not talking about bloody gender. The

31:36

head of the national audit office here suggested

31:38

that there has not been sufficient focus from

31:41

government on what he described

31:43

as unflashy but essential tasks,

31:46

which clearly include stopping buildings

31:49

falling on people. The

31:52

kind of thing you could only turn your attention to as a government once

31:54

you've finished the more important tasks, such as very

31:57

slightly reducing the journey time from London to Birmingham.

32:00

training robot pterodactyls to pick asylum

32:02

seekers up on their feet and fly them through

32:05

under. Can I just say that sentence

32:07

could have stopped before the word on. I

32:10

think you could just have put our statement saying there

32:12

has not been sufficient focus from the government

32:14

and leave it in.

32:16

That's a catch-all coverage

32:20

for the last 13 years of conservative

32:22

rule in this country and particularly the last sort

32:24

of two years where the principal focus has

32:27

been which one of the countries is going

32:29

to be king.

32:32

Jeremy Hunt, he's unfortunate

32:34

that he's going to follow that, the government

32:38

will spend whatever it takes

32:40

but only from the existing education.

32:45

Essentially the choices between having

32:47

schools that might fall down still

32:51

have teachers and facilities in them or

32:53

having no schools but

32:56

with teachers and facilities standing around

32:58

in empty fields. It's a tough call.

33:01

It is unquestionably

33:03

a tough call. Football

33:08

news now and well the Spanish

33:11

football smooch for Argo's

33:13

story is apparently reaching

33:17

will hopefully be a conclusion with the resignation of Luis

33:19

Rubiales, the president of the Spanish FA,

33:23

in the fallout from him grabbing

33:27

World Cup winner Jenny Hermoso by

33:29

the cheeks essentially and planting

33:31

an uninvited kiss on her lips at

33:34

what should have been a moment of glory

33:37

for women's sport in general and the Spanish national

33:40

women's football team in particular. I think there

33:42

are fairly basic rules. I mean the story has been

33:44

going on for a few weeks since the World Cup final in

33:46

August. There are fairly basic

33:48

rules I think as a man presenting

33:51

awards of any kind or being part of these awards

33:54

at the women's sporting event.

33:57

One is don't grab

33:59

your balls when celebrating something

34:02

which Ruby Alice fell down on and two is don't grab

34:04

an athlete by the face and plant a big smooch on

34:06

her lips either with

34:08

or without the cameras of the world trained upon you and he's

34:10

gone over two on those and only

34:13

now some what's it three weeks

34:15

on has finally quapped.

34:17

So I mean Tom

34:20

I know you you are

34:22

a sports skeptic I think it's it's

34:25

fair to say you've not embraced humanity's

34:27

greatest creation fully into your soul. That's

34:29

fair. Yeah. What what if you I

34:32

mean is he just a victim

34:36

of the fact that we've you know for

34:38

whatever reason we've moved

34:40

on from the universally accepted

34:43

rule of human life that men can do what they want

34:45

when they want. I think so I think the PC

34:47

gone mad. Yeah. I feel good about weighing in on this

34:49

story because it involves my two favorite things sport and kissing

34:52

women. Gentlemen welcome to my wheelhouse. Look I mean

34:54

the terrible story

34:59

full solidarity with the most though and guess

35:02

God this guy was no good he kind of apologized

35:04

to people who were offended initially and then tried

35:06

to stay there and eventually sit down and cried but you

35:09

know we should look on the right side we should celebrate the

35:11

progress I mean men's sexual assault scandals

35:14

are now in women's football and that's

35:16

extraordinary and people are tuning in and caring.

35:18

OK. Maybe there are little boys at home watching

35:21

this on the news and thinking maybe one day

35:23

I could be a sex pest in women's football.

35:26

And I think or as I call it football.

35:29

So I'm an ally.

35:33

What was that thing he was grabbing his crotch

35:35

while when they won. Yes. Well I

35:38

mean that's the obvious thing to do isn't it if you're

35:40

the representative of your nation's football

35:44

association and your team is winning a tournament

35:46

I mean who who wouldn't instinctively

35:48

grab their nut in

35:50

celebration. You

35:53

do it. I've seen you do it at the Indians football

35:56

on Tuesday. Yeah Tuesday football I do. Is that

35:58

how you injured your hair? I should

36:00

say, Nish is performing this week,

36:03

heroically, he's an inspiration to everyone, with his

36:05

hand in quite an elaborate cast. Yeah,

36:07

I've broken my little finger because

36:10

I sat on my hand whilst in goal

36:12

at Five and Five Football, which I think it

36:14

probably means I'm officially

36:17

middle aged. I think sustaining

36:19

a minor injury whilst playing extremely

36:21

low standard sport. Don't lie Nish, you

36:23

sat on your head to make it feel like it wasn't yours and

36:26

then you grabbed your clutch. I

36:29

sat on my hand, forgot that I had my bugle

36:31

brand rack butt plug up

36:33

there, smashed straight into

36:36

the finger, broke the finger, broke the

36:38

butt plug. I

36:41

would say it was one of my least favourite Tuesdays. When

36:45

we came in, as I was explaining

36:48

the state of my injury to Andy, Chris

36:50

came in sporting something of

36:53

a mild shine on his face. Did it transpire

36:55

as he did? How Christopher? I was talking to my top edge

36:57

of cricket ball into my own face. That's the

36:59

official line. I'm just going

37:02

to go with the new official line, you

37:04

punch me in the f***ing face and you

37:06

break your hand doing it. Anyway,

37:10

while that was all happening, Balard was doing a funny

37:12

dance and celebrating

37:14

never playing sport and never being injured from sports.

37:17

Sports for losers. My

37:20

body is entirely healthy and I don't do anything with

37:22

it. He's

37:24

quit because he says that he

37:27

can't continue with his work and that he doesn't want to affect

37:29

Spain's bid to host the 2030 World Cup. He

37:33

went on to say this, I have faith in the truth and

37:36

will do everything in my power to prevail.

37:39

My daughters, my family and the people who love me have suffered

37:41

the effects of excessive persecution as well as many

37:43

falsehoods, but it is also to do it on the street. More

37:45

and more every day, the truth is prevailing. For

37:48

that we say, brother, we've seen the

37:50

video. This

37:52

isn't a case of he said, she said, this

37:54

is a question of we saw. We

37:57

all watched the video happen. We

37:59

all saw... That's not cool. You

38:01

described it as mutual and consensual

38:04

which doesn't work if it's only one party

38:06

saying it The

38:09

straight of the street Need

38:12

to I mean it wasn't extraordinary

38:14

to take back through the narrative on the 20th

38:16

of August England allowed Spain

38:19

to win the women's We've

38:23

got it all sorted here so I didn't need to win and Yeah,

38:26

Spanish players were collecting their medals for a Biala's

38:30

Press him grabbing his nuts at a grassed Jenny

38:33

her motto record goal scorer for the Spanish national

38:35

team with over 100 international caps and

38:37

planted a vigorously masculine kiss on

38:40

the lips the apology the next

38:42

day was I Don't

38:45

know. I mean half-assed Seems

38:48

an incredible overstatement. He said

38:50

this at a moment of maximum excitement

38:53

now for a start That

38:55

is a phrase when you were apologizing

38:58

for doing something wrong to a woman and you

39:00

are a man do not say Like

39:02

a moment of maximum excitement. It just it conjures

39:04

up wrong images. Anyway, it wasn't half-assed but it was

39:06

holding Before

39:09

actually maximum excitement is my poor name by the

39:11

way It's a time before that what happened

39:13

happened in a very spontaneous manner It

39:16

has caused a controversy in some sectors and

39:19

some people appear to have been upset and

39:21

therefore I have to apologize

39:24

I Sounds

39:27

like something that was drafted by the G20 Please

39:34

ignore this gun at my head Well,

39:41

let's finish this week with a quick crime

39:43

section Exciting week for crime

39:45

around the world. We had a very exciting prison

39:47

break in in London in

39:50

which a terrorist Suspect

39:53

who's a waiting trial escaped

39:55

from Wandsworth prison not far from where where

39:58

where Nish and I live in London.

40:02

Ignoring, well due

40:04

to you know lack of funding our prison stock

40:07

is not a great repair and is generally underfunded

40:10

and the staff has underpaid and

40:12

undervalued and overworked and he

40:14

ignored the please don't escape sign. Get

40:16

out of Wandsong Trail by clinging on to the

40:21

bottom of a food truck. He

40:26

was then recaptured three or four days

40:28

later. Having not got

40:30

very far, just

40:32

wandering around the the towpath of a canal

40:34

in north London, prison authorities

40:37

had appealed for a completely innocent person

40:39

to volunteer to go into prison to balance out the

40:44

stats. The one in one out

40:46

puzzle. You really buried

40:49

the lead on this story. The reason

40:51

this is captained the imaginations of

40:53

the people of this country is the guy was ******* hot.

40:57

He was a hotty

40:59

on the run man. I mean

41:02

he was fit man. The guy

41:04

on the run was fit. That's why everybody's

41:07

been following this story. The

41:09

guy on the run was an absolute

41:11

smokeshot. They leaked his

41:14

one shot and everyone agreed the

41:16

guy was ******* fit. I think the

41:19

judge should take that into account. I'm quite

41:23

a little older than you guys, probably a decade and a half

41:25

and to me I just thought terrorist

41:27

suspects look so young.

41:33

He's awesome. I mean presumably there's some

41:35

rack knocking around in some prisons.

41:38

You can start seeing prisoners escape just

41:40

by slowly pushing the walls of their cell

41:43

and watching them melt like aero bars.

41:46

I think most of our prisons are too old to have

41:48

so many of the clients as they're rated conqueror. It's

41:51

like the Shawshank Redemption but you just punch through the

41:53

wall to get out immediately. And

41:58

well some crime uh across

42:00

the pond in America involving

42:05

potential future president

42:07

and actual past president Donald

42:10

Trump, a notorious cancer

42:13

assist on American democracy, facing more

42:15

court cases than you can shake a

42:17

sticker. And as a result,

42:22

some are suggesting that the 14th Amendment

42:25

could be brought into

42:27

action to prevent him from running

42:30

for office again. So

42:33

the 14th Amendment, I mean, they did get quite a lot of the

42:36

initial constitution wrong, hence they kept needing

42:38

to amend it. Some of those

42:40

amendments have really not gone well for them. But

42:43

I think it states that you can't run for president if

42:45

you are a certifiable lunatic

42:48

in terms of everything America claims

42:50

to hold dear. So I mean, Nish, where do you see this? I

42:53

know you've followed every

42:55

single court case Donald Trump's ever been

42:57

involved in. Yeah, I'm

42:59

a huge fan of the legal process. I love

43:02

a John Grisham book. And this is

43:04

the John Grisham novel of presidency. Yeah,

43:09

the thing with the 14th Amendment,

43:11

Section 3 of the 14th Amendment, bars

43:13

people who have engaged in insurrection or rebellion

43:16

against the country holding federal office. And I mean,

43:18

listen, that does seem a relatively sensible

43:20

thing. It doesn't seem like you should elect

43:22

somebody to run the government who doesn't

43:25

agree with the existence of the government. Like,

43:27

it sort of feels a little bit like, you know, you're

43:30

fireproofing by an arsonist. But like, that's

43:32

very woke of you, Nish. By

43:34

woke, I, of course, mean something I disagree with. But

43:40

you know, the thing with Trump is at

43:42

the end of the day, if only there was concrete

43:45

evidence of him trying to incite a

43:47

rebellion, if only there was evidence of him standing

43:49

in front of his supporters, instructing them to

43:51

fight like hell. He's

43:54

the Luis Rubiales of the

43:57

US presidency. assault

44:00

and the absolute

44:03

fact that we have video evidence of him doing

44:05

the thing he's alleged to be doing. It

44:07

is puzzling to me how we haven't managed to secure

44:09

a conviction on this guy. Well on

44:11

the streets Nish, the truth is prevailing. And

44:14

by the streets I mean 4chan and

44:17

Facebook. So you've got to be careful with the term

44:19

concrete evidence. Well

44:20

that brings

44:23

us to

44:28

the end of this week's video. Thank you

44:30

very much for listening. I think

44:34

we've had something for everyone.

44:37

I

44:40

think Chris has remembered why we continued doing

44:42

these in Zoom.

44:44

Everybody gets a bit too giddy. Tom

44:48

have you got anything to plug? It's

44:53

just asshole. Don't

44:56

worry guys, the rack has completely,

44:58

and I cannot stress this enough, collapsed into oblivion.

45:01

You're more rack than man man. Say

45:03

what you will, the soluble butt plug is one

45:05

of nature's great inventions. People

45:09

in Australia could come see my show Yes

45:11

No, my comedy lecture about Australia's referendum

45:14

process. F*** you it's good. That's

45:17

coming to Canberra, Melbourne

45:19

and Sydney across September and August.

45:21

All the details at comedy.com.au

45:24

September and August. September and

45:26

August, the month goes the other way. Racist. September and

45:28

August, hemispheres.

45:38

If you live in the United Kingdom or

45:40

Ireland you can watch my stand up comedy special

45:43

Your Power Your Control on Sky,

45:45

On Demand or Now

45:48

TV. It will be available to buy globally once

45:50

I've worked out how to do that. It

45:53

will genuinely be

45:55

available. I can't stop you from pirating

45:57

it if you have a VPA. I

46:00

can't do that. But I would rather you

46:02

wait until I sell it officially. Here's

46:04

what I would say. Pirate it and then buy

46:06

it. You know what? This is even for me

46:08

a bad plug. There is a live Bugle

46:11

show this coming Saturday, the 16th

46:14

of September at the Leicester Square Theatre. There are a

46:16

few tickets still available, I think. About five. Oh,

46:18

right, OK. Don't bother. Ignore that. No,

46:21

no. Sell the last five ones. Andy. There's

46:24

still five available. We should

46:26

be announcing some more live shows soon.

46:29

Hopefully early, that will be happening early next

46:32

year. In the meantime, you can listen

46:34

to me on the Newsquiz. Tom is making his Newsquiz

46:36

debut this week as well, so you can hear more of him. It's

46:40

just like this, right? They do edit

46:43

some of the rudder bits out. I'm going to flash

46:45

that up. This

46:48

episode would have been a minute long. It

46:52

would have been, hello, I'm Andy's ultimate.

46:55

It would have been us saying our names and then a hard cut

46:57

to tickets for the live show. That's

47:02

it. There's nothing more to say. If you

47:04

want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme and

47:08

hold of the final record whenever it comes

47:10

out in the nearish future, or

47:13

to help keep the show free, flourishing and independent, go to

47:15

the Buglepodcast.com and click the

47:17

donate button.