0:01

Hi. My name is John Cam from

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a therapist who are through his own

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rebirth many years ago and have been

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documenting my journey ever since, sharing my

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life, lessons and revelations. I believe in

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casual the clinical with Tuesday that you

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I come unrehearsed on purpose because self

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help doesn't have. To be so complicated. On

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today's episode. A few tips on

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how to open your heart again

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after a breakup and a lot

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of people are going to break

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up where I call expired relationships.

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I just wrote an entire book

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about this which will be out

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hopefully later this year. So.

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Listen when a previous relationship ends. It

0:43

can leave behind emotional wounds and scars.

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However, By allowing yourself to

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be open to love once more. And

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I know it's difficult, right? But everything

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starts with the intention. so the intention

0:55

to. Open your heart

0:57

again and doesn't have to be just.

1:00

Like to. Romantic love. I'm talking

1:02

about. Opening

1:04

your heart, As. An exercise

1:07

to. All

1:10

of. It. I

1:12

think this will make it much easier because

1:14

when just think about romantic love. Where

1:17

there's your mind go it goes to

1:19

how you've been heard to, rejected, betrayed,

1:22

and of course then you constrict in

1:24

your heart closes. But if you think

1:26

about all love right? If you think

1:29

about love as and universal as a

1:31

state as a way of being as

1:33

a way to attract and connect not

1:36

only to someone intimately but but you

1:38

know friendships, family, just to anyone, or

1:40

even like strangers, you know just being

1:43

love. That. Practice

1:45

will create the opportunity for

1:47

healing. And growth when you

1:49

open your heart to love again. You.

1:51

Give yourself permission to like of

1:53

the pain and hurt from the

1:56

past. It's a courageous act that

1:58

involves acknowledging the emotions. Associated

2:00

with the previous relationship and

2:02

allowing yourself to process and

2:05

heal from them by right

2:07

by embracing. The

2:09

possibility of love a new you create a

2:11

space for healing to they placed. Love.

2:15

Has a trans for made

2:17

of power. Friends.

2:20

Lovers as trans. Transformative.

2:27

Bear. I don't know what is going on with me

2:29

these days. Transformative. I.

2:33

Scuse me, I'm sorry, I apologize.

2:36

Listen, I'm doing the best they

2:38

can. I just I think I've

2:40

told people. On my

2:42

podcast Before Arm is just ironic

2:44

that I'm a writer because I

2:46

was the kids terrified to read.

2:49

So if I'm reading anything including

2:51

my own words, I just I.

2:53

Everything comes out mumbled and jumbled.

2:55

A This isn't the a great

2:57

example of how. Our childhood

3:00

In trauma From childhood because reading out

3:02

loud in front of people can definitely

3:04

be traumatic as a kid. And it

3:06

was for me. How

3:10

it still seats in and

3:12

how it still holds weight

3:14

and you know you can

3:16

become insecure. You.

3:20

Can you can steal? You can still

3:23

feel the the wound for from that

3:25

trauma if you will transform it if.

3:28

Love has a transformative power. It

3:31

could be a sense of renewal and

3:33

reminds you that you're capable of giving

3:35

and receiving love despite previous said bags.

3:39

Through the experience of falling in

3:41

love again you can learn valuable

3:43

lessons from past experiences. I also

3:46

think the through giving yourself a

3:48

new love experience on I just

3:50

falling in Love Again birds are

3:52

choosing wisely and giving yourself a

3:54

new love experience is going to

3:57

create valuable lessons because the Us

3:59

something to compare the old love

4:01

with. Re. Getting a lot

4:03

of times we are in our heads thinking

4:05

about what could something could feel like the

4:07

when we as we give ourselves the experience

4:10

of that. Fum. Than

4:12

we know something shifts right and

4:14

then we can compare the own

4:16

with the new and give yourself

4:18

enough new love experiences and starts

4:20

he could see old in this

4:22

is was rewire itself. Looks like.

4:25

Opening your heart's again after break

4:27

up can be a gradual process,

4:29

but it is possible time and

4:31

carrying of self. Here's some steps

4:33

you can take to open your

4:35

heart again. Okay, number one, you

4:37

gotta allow yourself to grief. Give.

4:40

Yourself permission to feel the emotions that

4:42

come up with a break up And

4:44

you know the thing about grieving is.

4:47

It's. Nonlinear. And. One

4:49

day you may be okay in feel

4:51

good and next day you may be

4:54

a mess and sobbing uncontrollably. And you

4:56

can't judge it because grieving is a

4:58

cumulative. You know I think a lot

5:00

of people judge they're grieving or you

5:03

know it's been x amount of months

5:05

or years and I need to be

5:07

at this place or on the why

5:09

keep thinking about this person I'm stop

5:12

judging yourself. In also, stop

5:14

comparing this one to the last

5:16

one because everything's different and just

5:19

because you're struggling more or because

5:21

this has hit harder it it

5:23

doesn't. Mean. Anything about

5:26

you or your growth, or

5:28

your capacity. You know? Allow

5:31

yourself to feel the full range of motions

5:33

or come with the end of a relationship. It's

5:37

completely normal to experience sadness,

5:39

anger, Confusion

5:41

and even relief. Give.

5:44

Yourself permission to express these emotions in

5:46

a healthy way. With his to journaling

5:49

me we're talking to a trusted friend.

5:52

And be picky on who it's for him

5:54

you want to process worth of course, Many

5:57

friends will make it about them and that you. therapists

6:01

obviously. Or but I

6:03

get that many people can afford to see a

6:06

therapist or the you know, They.

6:08

Don't have insurance and that's okay.

6:10

Well journaling is is is a

6:12

for processing. You know, getting your

6:15

thoughts are on paper and then

6:17

of course someone you can. Someone.

6:20

You trust as a friend who's going to crazy

6:22

Israel. And is kind

6:24

of allows you to begin the

6:27

healing process. Number two: Practicing self

6:29

care. Take. Care of

6:31

yourself physically, emotionally and mentally

6:33

engages with the Me adlon

6:35

worst they give yourself spiritually

6:37

as well. Engage activities are

6:39

bringing joy to job your

6:41

head, your house and help you

6:44

reconnect with you. And.

6:46

I gonna say it doesn't. Have

6:48

to look like. Going.

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On exotic vacations or I'm

6:53

doing yoga or you know,

6:55

meditating for five hours with

6:58

the beads around your neck.

7:01

So. For me. I.

7:04

Started. To take care of

7:06

myself by riding a motorcycle,

7:08

eating doughnuts. Lifting

7:11

burdens. Not

7:13

too many doughnuts. There's a fine line between

7:15

self care and self hate. When

7:18

I mean by doing that is, I allow

7:21

myself. I gave myself permission to have a

7:23

treat. You know? So whether it's it's it's

7:25

it's once every other day or once a

7:27

week. And in

7:30

maybe it's an expensive cup of

7:32

poor were coffee or maybe it's

7:34

a massage. I don't know but

7:36

to scan of giving yourself permission

7:38

to. Treat yourself.

7:41

So that's the whole don't think

7:43

my motorcycle was my meditation machine.

7:45

It was the fastest way for

7:47

me to get out of my

7:49

head and house. I struggle with

7:51

meditating. I struggle with yoga. I

7:53

struggle was sitting still and instead

7:55

of beating myself up and saying

7:57

that embedded this I chose the.

8:00

Round because or what. I

8:02

don't struggle with his writing

8:04

machines. And you know, since

8:07

I was popping wheelies on

8:09

my. Bmx bike in

8:11

the eighties when I was nine is

8:13

just something I I very comfortable with

8:16

in it. Gets

8:18

me at my So that's where

8:20

that came from And then Barbells

8:22

Fitness connection to myself of your

8:24

my body dropping into my body.

8:27

My daily sweats Or those

8:29

three things. Really

8:32

created a bridge for me.

8:35

In. I mean all of my

8:37

expire relationships starting with my divorce

8:39

the big one and I'm I

8:41

don't know. If. I

8:43

could have. Healed

8:46

without them. you know I think I would

8:48

have gotten depressed in I mean who knows,

8:50

but. The reading those

8:52

things into my life really give

8:54

me handrails? know? of course that

8:56

doesn't have to be the same

8:58

for you, may for you, it's

9:00

picking up a guitar, are going

9:02

salsa dancing. Maybe it's ice plunges

9:04

or. Saunas or long walks

9:06

are generally, but whatever kind of

9:09

puts you in that space where.

9:12

You are. Not.

9:14

Injured distorted thoughts and you're able to

9:16

drop it your body and you're able

9:18

to hit flow states. Are

9:21

a number three setting boundaries. I

9:25

tell people the greatest gift my

9:27

ex wife gave me was her

9:29

silence. She said a hard line.

9:31

And. She drew a hard line. Because

9:35

I couldn't. And will give.

9:37

That was because if she hadn't. There.

9:41

Would it would have been sticky and messy. Emotional

9:44

scabs being pulled and the healing

9:46

would have were took much longer.

9:48

You know I wouldn't have been

9:51

forced to move on with my

9:53

life. I would have just been

9:55

in the in between. And.

9:58

That's called suffering. So. Setting

10:02

boundaries on following. A

10:04

Don't don't follow your eggs. If.

10:06

You want to be friends with your

10:08

ex? Find the right now it's not

10:11

the time to follow them and see

10:13

what they're up to and who they're

10:15

hanging out with was prescribed is distance.

10:17

I'll the distance. Set.

10:20

Some boundaries number for reflect

10:23

on the past relationship. Now

10:25

listen or not seem to

10:27

live there, right? I'm saying

10:30

reflects so. When. You're

10:32

ready! Think. About

10:34

how the plane went down. Think

10:36

about some. Your. Piece

10:38

in this rights. Don't

10:42

play the highlight reel and then wanna

10:44

go back to it? That's not what

10:46

I'm saying and that's why I think

10:48

it's important to have some distance were

10:50

feelings has settled and you have guns

10:52

and trash and reflecting back. I

10:55

think in anything if you're not reflecting and.

10:57

Taking daughter Harold, I'm him having

11:00

revelations. Then you're not taking what

11:02

happened in turning it into girl

11:04

soil, right? Number.

11:07

Five Focus on personal

11:09

growth. Michael

11:11

sounds obvious, but Open Your

11:13

Hard To Love also encourages

11:15

personal growth they require as

11:17

vulnerability. As. You must

11:19

be willing to let someone. In. So.

11:24

Again, decision as to be someone that you're

11:26

intimate. With they can be a friend.

11:28

A new friend they can be. A

11:32

stranger may be your like starting to

11:34

make an effort to make more. I

11:36

can't I can just kind of open

11:38

your heart, you know? Engaging with the

11:40

world right? kindness? Sharing

11:43

your authentic self. Pass

11:46

Heartbreaks me of cause you to build

11:48

the most a walls protect your heart

11:50

rate line with fear. Both.

11:52

Each failed relationship he learned the

11:55

importance of open yourself up again

11:57

In his newfound understanding allows you

11:59

to approach. Love with courage and

12:01

authenticity. Trusting that the right person

12:04

or a people will accept insurance

12:06

your vulnerability so users time divest

12:08

in your personal growth and development

12:11

and set goals for yourself and

12:13

work toward them. Is. Gonna

12:15

be built conference and sense of fulfillment which

12:18

in turn over char to new possibilities. Number

12:21

Six, Surround yourself with support.

12:23

And I support. I mean.

12:27

Now. Only people care about you because

12:29

there people care about you but don't

12:31

really understand you. You know, don't create

12:34

a space for you to be seen,

12:36

heard, understood. With

12:38

family members who love us. But

12:41

do they understand this? Or are they always

12:43

trying to control us? Are

12:46

they trying to project their life or there

12:48

once or are you know for us or

12:50

what they have a what they want for

12:52

us Onto us you know. Or

12:55

are they a. Super.

12:58

Supportive with out that intention

13:00

you know, without the. The.

13:04

Intention to change you in any

13:07

way. Name Number Seven. Practice

13:09

Forgiveness And I'm just talking about

13:11

forgiving your acts. I'm talking

13:13

about forgiving yourself. It's.

13:15

A crucial step a me holding

13:18

onto resentment and anger can hinder

13:20

your ability to move forward. Forgive.

13:22

This doesn't mean condoning what happened,

13:24

but rather releasing the emotional burden

13:26

and freeing yourself to embrace. New.

13:31

Experiences New love, New

13:33

State right? So

13:35

forgiveness is I think a huge

13:37

piece in break up recovery. Number

13:41

Eight. Practicing self

13:43

compassion, Being. Kind and

13:46

gentle with yourself. I think a

13:48

lot of people have to break

13:50

ups to get very down because

13:52

they reflect and they blame. And

13:55

they be themselves up. right?

13:57

And it's important to. Not do that, but instead.

14:01

You. Know that you did the best you

14:03

could with where you're at your life

14:05

you know at that time. Even

14:07

if was two weeks ago. And.

14:10

And. You're learning and growing into these different

14:13

you know? Even if it's.

14:16

Just a little different. Even if

14:18

you've only had a little bit

14:20

of of shifts, it still is

14:22

different. So practice self compassion. And

14:25

finally, number nine. You.

14:28

Go take things that your own pace. There's

14:33

a motorcycle company, it's a it's

14:35

an adventure company and I I

14:37

tried to their chips or so

14:40

other epic and one of their

14:42

slogans because there's all different level

14:44

of writers. It's

14:47

basically you know, toffee wonder

14:49

bites going to. I'm. Going

14:52

like two weeks. With

14:54

they catered truck following you behind me

14:56

and Huge is amazing. I'm going camping

14:59

in, writing and writing like legit. like

15:01

a hundred miles a day and. They.

15:04

Say ride your own rise. Meaning.

15:07

You don't have to raise, you'd want

15:09

to be the front. You don't have

15:12

to do anything other than the have

15:14

your experience and. That's.

15:16

What I mean here? You gotta write your

15:19

own ride, take things that your own pace.

15:22

Don't compare this break up to where your

15:24

exes as where were you read in a

15:26

different break up. It

15:29

is. It's it's own thing. And.

15:32

I'm. Go Your peacekeepers of

15:34

we need. You know, Don't.

15:36

Rush into new relationships. Don't force

15:39

yourself to do anything for you.

15:41

ready. allow yourself the time and

15:43

space you need to heal and

15:45

rebuild. Trust in your own hearts.

15:49

Anyway hope those of

15:52

help to and. Listen

15:56

To this. Listen To. This

15:59

pluck as I mean. Because you

16:01

know I'm I'm I'm. I'm

16:04

doing these three times a week and and maybe it

16:06

in a way that. Having

16:09

something to listen to, Can

16:13

give henry else you can kinda you have

16:15

your head and may because I remember going

16:18

to break ups as as as he my

16:20

bike. As with any by as well as

16:22

going to break up I would always be

16:24

listening to something. Whether. It's

16:26

at the Diner on was

16:28

I mean all school when

16:31

dire audiobooks. So yeah, it's

16:33

important to. Not.

16:36

Only learn digest

16:39

reflects but also

16:41

last last you

16:43

know. Be. Entertained.

16:46

Keeping. Slight all of that and you

16:48

get to get all a good dollars.

16:50

Get all of that on Audio today.

16:52

So. They give

16:55

releasing the well.