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welcome to spend a business podcast

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takes you into the lives of some of today's

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most influential leaders entrepreneurs

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game changers athletes and many more

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unfinished we take a deep dive into the

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lives in journeys of our guys to deliver

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real unfiltered an unscripted conversations

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that will surely inspire hope and

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promote change we focus not on their

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current six off but on the obstacles and challenges

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they face along the way that often doesn't

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get to us about how they battled adversity

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getting up and being knocked down when all

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of the odds were stacked against them on

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today's episode of spin it will be speaking with robin

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greek robin is a best seller author

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trainer facilitator then

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retired as be i special agent

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and sheath of the counterintelligence behavioral

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analysis program hailed

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as the spycatcher and a

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world renowned behavioral expert on

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today's episode robin will share his secrets

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to establishing trust creating

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and path or relationship the

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key to building real connection

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the take an intimate look into

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how he's taken his decades of experience

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and expertise to create the people

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formula and how can take both

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your personal and professional performance to

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the next level hey ryan how

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are you welcome to the show and thank you

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so much for finally joining

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this said the forever to get on calendar

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and it's gonna be epic

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excellent devry thank you so much ramey

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and yes it's been little bit of time but

1:24

our well worth the wait dislike anything

1:27

it's just percolates really well for us

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so i'm excited to be here with you

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him he'll sell robin i

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was doing your intro a few times and

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i was going back and forth back and forth my

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intro was like eighteen minutes long and

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i decided against it so i want you

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to our audience who

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you are and how this journey started

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for you can for me when i learned about

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you that's when i really connected the dots

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with how we would be friends

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add some and so a

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i'm laughing because laughing have have different things like

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civically say from time to time on the

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quick answer is my name's rob injury kind

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of founder and ceo of people formula a

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leadership and communications right his company

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and that retired head of the f b

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i can or intelligence be able now says

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program my job for over twenty

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years was recruiting spies that's the short

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version yes along version is how do i get

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to do all those things i failed

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magnificently as do all

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things i really wanted to analyze i

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, believe it it leave

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it all i did so yeah oh

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so part of that journey was i'm

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typical taipei i want to go the naval academy

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so i went through naval academy a became a marine corps

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officer for marine corps one the f b i

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signed new york city assigned to work counter

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intelligence and so

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that sounds like that was a path you choose

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so it took me to take the s a t's

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seven times to finally get the minimum

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score i needed to get in the naval academy

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took me next year to get in the naval academy and

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so the first challenge was i wanted becomes great

2:55

navy pilot i want to be national right

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nord do that you should major in aerospace

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engineering what moron

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allows a guy that took the s a t seven

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times to major aerospace engineering but they

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did so i majored aerospace engineering probably

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failed out of that i think i hold record at naval

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academy for going to for academic

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review boards armor fact i'm

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i'm going to be guest speaker they're coming up and

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and because my son's a senior there and actually he's

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doing everything opposite of me he's like really

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really smart as mechanical engineer and

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so i fell out of that my eyes go bas

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i go marine corps that of navy air i'm in whole world

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kind go sideways but kinda like we're trying about

3:29

before it's so easy to

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live life when you just walk

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the path that presented rather

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than fight against on the one you're given

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so now

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oh he thought though not obviously

3:42

i'm going have to assets because have four children

3:45

the moon had enough just like the and cowgill

3:48

and few journalists anxiety

3:50

disorder for test taking did you

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ever get diagnosed with like any sort

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of like learning disability

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of laughing because the other than

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from your if i wrote it isn't an enemy

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well as born in the late sixties

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and so we grew up a time where we should have all been

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diagnosed big right that we had some

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although i will tell you i discovered

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what my learning during

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the pandemic, i discovered

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that i'm what's called a kinetic finger in

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a kinetic learner i need to move in

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order to release button

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for the first time in my life, i started remembering

4:26

everything i listening to because as

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moving and walking while i was listening

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and it's like huh wish

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i knew that a lot of years ago

4:36

you like that? me as in helpful towards

4:38

all my dreams that is what out the window

4:40

absolutely i am between that

4:42

and forging relationships and teachers

4:44

mentors and guides your life which i didn't

4:46

really know you needed i thought would life was a solo

4:48

juri that you're trying to master

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because you gotta be self reliant and that kind

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of spools out of control on you when you're

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taipei so yes all those great

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things coming together finally manifests in

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a pretty com guy these days

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frame cillizza robbins you

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work at obviously f b i

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have very high ranking position and

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you know the question always yale com thou

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is what did you do to get that job

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to let me ask you in two ways okay you

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have natural talents we're

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at these areas of expertise came naturally

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for you or where these

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developed over time and you

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just went through the regular kind as

5:27

corporate ladder to get into the position that

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you that you came into this is my

5:32

company within my company they're always like how

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did robin get that job

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right yes to everything you said the his

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life is never a clear answer of of

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anything like this i have two things

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and i was born with whether through

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nature nurture at young age or was born

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with them that were critical and helping me

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do this our number one was

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away was brought up was i was never brought up

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to think of myself as a victim and what i

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mean by that is on neither my parents

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went to college i grew up in extremely

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low end are blue collar family

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everyone around me had a lot more money may affect my

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parents of still never owned a home and sort

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of very young age as around the to nine

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years olds i started working just i

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can make enough money buy school clothes and by

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have lunch to bring to school or buy

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lunch at schools i could keep up with cool kids

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and sort very young age became exceptionally

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became self reliant and

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but never because i thought woe is me

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i'm a victim a victim always presented a challenge

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and then asked question what gonna do about and

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remember my my mom sand when i was

6:30

nine years old hey i have no money for

6:32

school closes here in this was when you're going to middle

6:34

school when all that peer pressure comes

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in and is she i said really no money

6:38

for school closed i'm done with you

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and sort put my flyers around and around the neighborhood

6:43

mode lawns paper routes you name it

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i was a very young entrepreneur taken

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care of my needs set

6:49

the first thing was i never felt like

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a victim so i always would

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do what i need to do for progress

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and so i think that's a good way to

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look at life was i saw it challenges

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as fun adventures something to work through

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and and take on the

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second thing is even i have a very type

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a personality looking at that by background

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which is taipei to me is nothing more than higher

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tempo and intensity of focus which

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can be steamrolling over people when you're

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in your twenties which believe me i've done

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that horribly sometimes but

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i absolutely love

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relationships and people making connections

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and so when combine those two

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things together a gave me the raw

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material raw material to have

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passion for making connections

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building relationships in forging

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trust and so when i got signs

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in when i decide go in the f b i from marine

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corps and had an opportunity someone told

7:42

me about the world counterintelligence i added you know

7:44

it was and they said hey we try to recruit

7:46

spies and like more sounds interesting

7:48

how to do that as well our job every

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day is to build relationships i like

7:53

i love that that sounds great now granted

7:56

i still need a lot to learn one way and

7:58

so i had good over my son which is the hardest

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thing the world is letting go of your ego learning

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how to make it about everyone else but

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yourself and as through great language

8:07

and action and there you go so long

8:09

answer but yeah overcome and yourself

8:11

on but using very have

8:13

one or two small nuggets was luckily

8:15

the born with the do that robin

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when we all hear like

8:18

aj and or years fi

8:21

or any of these days the automatically we go

8:23

to you know jason bourne or james

8:25

bond extra how accurate

8:28

is that is far as what you do

8:30

and what you're up against when you're recruiting spies

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so i was car yacht this worth

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it depends depends on the person you

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are i've known people that the type a person

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that like to go in for the kinetic kill or

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they tried out you use like great manipulation

8:44

to schedule someone in cooperation

8:47

okay i've done i've seen

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people do that and if want

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to fail majestically you can do that

8:53

you might get short term one in my a

8:55

when and you might have great transactional

8:57

short term relationship we mentioned chris

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asked me for and chris vos talks about

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transactional trust transactional

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empathy or strategic empathy and

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as a very short term gains so

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when you're actually trying to inspire

9:10

some one not convinced but inspire

9:12

to that makes it about them for long term

9:14

relationship in cooperation with they

9:17

are literally putting their lives and their family

9:19

lives in your hands is all about

9:21

deep seated rooted healthy

9:23

relationships built upon trust

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and so i in the and time manipulation

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anti subterfuge even when we're

9:30

a behavioral team strategizing

9:32

human engagements we would do all we

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could to avoid manipulation

9:37

avoid subterfuge i mean is sometimes

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you have to use those techniques to

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gain access to someone put soon

9:43

as someone as use that technique gives

9:45

you that access he can have direct conversation

9:47

you gotta cut that person out because because think

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about it do trust any one that

9:51

is deceptive or even whether it's true

9:54

or imagined in your life know

9:56

i mean so if their coach soon their their

9:58

answers are a little your little subterfuge

10:01

here we don't trust them and if they don't trust

10:03

duke there's no movement forward so

10:05

i would go and still do to this day

10:07

do all i can to avoid manipulation

10:10

any way whatsoever

10:11

it's so interesting the you say that going

10:13

off topic for a brief moments but it's so

10:15

interesting easy that robin behaved seriously

10:17

in the job that i do their that kind

10:20

of try to put in me yeah

10:22

i don't necessarily have problem i i talk

10:24

lot of a real world experience and i don't see

10:26

my clients names and don't they oh

10:28

with robin baobab lied on say

10:30

that but unlike i've been in i've had this

10:32

happen to me before i had a client this happened in

10:35

it's so funny because when i was talking

10:37

chris the other day chris

10:39

said stephanie trustworthy people

10:41

prefer to people when you know that's

10:44

know that's that's for him it's like if is that transactional

10:46

is that a connection like how deep is the connection

10:48

why is the connection there with the foundation of connection

10:51

and i know with you connection is so

10:54

deeply important my question

10:56

is because this is all the work

10:58

that you're doing right now around connection

11:00

like you said kinetic learning and things like that added

11:03

the pandemic affect you in your business

11:05

major shift know so before the

11:07

pandemic a i'd say ninety ninety

11:10

five percent of my business was in person speaking

11:12

and i lost all that and

11:14

so again way i view

11:16

everything in the world is alright that path

11:18

stops what's the new path

11:20

and i open my eyes and through the relationships i

11:22

had i had new opportunities and new ideas

11:25

present themselves to me to do things virtually

11:27

to do online training to do coaching

11:30

and mentoring that i hadn't done before and

11:33

recently adding a podcast that

11:35

you know so it's it's really just looking

11:37

at and having multiple vectors which

11:39

to do and really serve the same

11:41

why you know what's the purpose our

11:43

own individualize mine is to continually

11:46

learn educate myself

11:48

put into practice than pass on the others

11:50

l i can to help others build

11:52

and forge healthy strong relationships and can

11:55

do that in lot different ways you just gotta be open

11:57

to him and presented is really important

11:59

for for the

12:00

the and became this is something

12:02

that i feel in in our short time

12:04

knowing each other i feel like you're master

12:06

at this connection and i've watched

12:08

any seen a and i've i've listened to the and it's incredible

12:11

of as when people tell me you're master

12:13

connector stephanie you connect to easily

12:15

people want tell you things i never really knew

12:17

without was and i never really

12:20

understood how non

12:22

prevalent it is and

12:24

that is a learned and practice behavior

12:27

i didn't know that was unaware of that

12:29

and so what are some of the things

12:32

are audience our listeners today course

12:34

smart any other entrepreneurs executives

12:36

what can they do right now to

12:38

start building connection and start building

12:41

trust and deeper long term relationship

12:43

yeah i'm going to give you two things

12:45

in one of the first thing is broken down and four

12:47

elements arm the first thing is

12:50

make it about as everyone else by yourself when

12:52

i was first told us and marine corps when is ranked

12:54

last out of all the second lieutenants forty

12:56

out fourteen my major tells me you

12:58

just need to be a better leader and make about everyone

13:00

else by yourself looked at him with his dumbfounded

13:02

look san forty me i thought was

13:04

he goes out notice figured out so in order to

13:06

reverse that self centeredness

13:09

of our language and actions again it's not our ego

13:11

that's like all look at me look me intentionally

13:14

but we are because we're self centered

13:16

weird taken care of our own iraqi

13:18

of needs but , we want to start

13:20

fortune connections and trust you need

13:22

make it about other people to get their brain to typically

13:24

reward them for engaging with you and so

13:26

my four pillars communication or if you include

13:28

this first one seek their thoughts

13:30

and opinions instead of sharing yours to

13:33

talk in terms of their priorities and challenges

13:35

in pain points instead of yours three

13:37

and is the big critical one validate

13:39

them non judgmental he by have a non judgmental

13:42

curiosity about them in for

13:44

empower them with choices when you do one of

13:46

those four things every action you take

13:48

whether it's virtually in text email

13:50

or in person entire shit goes from you to

13:52

them that's going them start forging connection because

13:54

that says to them this person values

13:56

mean they want to philly with me in their good for my survival

13:59

now that first thing i do is add that

14:01

your language the second thing that i would definitely

14:03

do that would i love doing this

14:05

was a massively learned behavior because

14:07

i had the first get over my own insecurities

14:09

we all have i'm i'm not totally over

14:11

and but i'm over dumb enough to stop

14:14

trying to prove myself the others a try

14:16

stop making others think in terms

14:18

of how they feel about me but

14:20

it's about how make people feel about themselves

14:22

by one doing those four things and second thing

14:24

is i love to do is i'm going

14:26

to discover your greatness or i

14:28

talk to you for the first time already time

14:30

i'm costly looking i'm give myself a positive

14:33

confirmation bias because i know

14:35

there's greatest in their i'm going to find it whether

14:37

it's personally professionally and someplace in your

14:39

life i can't wait to find what you

14:41

are awesome and i'm going to pull it

14:43

out and going to show to you as a look what i

14:46

found this is so beautiful does

14:48

is so awesome to mind we share with the

14:50

everyone else because it will squeeze so benefit

14:52

from seen this and so when you do

14:54

those two things that make a powerful

14:56

connection ooh interesting how you say

14:58

that

14:59

mean when you are are talking

15:01

to them about their greatness to see them retract

15:03

the feel them kind of go

15:05

i like times you will get humbled by it

15:07

on they get a little sometimes

15:09

there's sharks and follow

15:12

you see i love seen the eyes light

15:14

up because you see that inner joy i'm and doing the

15:16

right now that you enjoy where where do like oh

15:18

my gosh you see me i always knew

15:20

i i thought had something that that but

15:23

i'd have is always afraid to share with someone

15:25

or thought was or they have imposter syndrome

15:27

of living is not that big of deal are you kidding

15:29

me it's a big deal you know

15:31

at my good friend joe navarro the world

15:33

renowned nonverbal expert you know they always

15:35

quote this one or he goes if you have at least

15:37

one bit of information someone else information world

15:39

could benefit from your our job

15:41

to get to on and so that's what i

15:43

will find that one bit of information

15:45

the more a new and i'm going to get it's arrested

15:48

world if you're comfortable with comfortable

15:50

with it's always gonna be about them

15:52

robin not is so that so profound

15:54

and that so beautiful so many times

15:56

and when get asked to speak people talk about

15:59

you know what's your message there were what do want

16:01

to stay or what how you want people to learn in

16:03

i'm always asking what their audience

16:05

craving like what is their audience what what

16:07

did he need what are they asking for go

16:09

at into the engagement this woman

16:12

came over to mean she was why do you do

16:14

what you deal tell me why and

16:16

i grabbed her by the arm like very sweetly

16:18

and turned around of the mirror and i said when

16:20

you started you you walked into this auditorium

16:22

i'm not saying you are down under thing you are enlightened

16:25

your and enlightened are you probably had lot of

16:27

things going on you have not stopped

16:29

smiling since you were here when you

16:31

feel that i mean robin as

16:33

robin coach as consultant when

16:35

you see someone the or it light

16:37

at and you see them go i can do

16:39

that okay know what to do okay i understand

16:42

there's no better job

16:44

ever ever ever than that and

16:47

it's incredible until when you speak

16:49

i'm like jazz that's exactly

16:51

what it is

16:52

it is literally the secret to

16:54

healthy prosperous life is being

16:56

service to others in oriented is an

16:58

afghan the taipei and me that wanted

17:00

to conquer the universe think and by

17:02

making all about me and robert

17:04

green in his book is forty laws of power

17:06

is so funny because it's it's narcissist

17:08

handbook about how to make it all about yourself

17:11

yeah and i recognize that everyone an executive

17:13

leadership in the f b i read this book not

17:15

not bash on one but it was really pretty profound

17:17

a most organizations filled with people that are

17:19

all about power and not leadership

17:22

is leadership is about been

17:24

of service others in this is no mistake

17:27

you know back in the thirty that thing was

17:29

when the first twelve step program started

17:32

you know by two individuals that trying

17:34

overcome alcoholism they came up with the twelve

17:36

steps of a a which every twelve step program

17:38

is based upon now for recovering

17:40

people trying to get over hardcore

17:42

addictions and overcoming themselves

17:44

and the twelve step in every single program

17:47

that people can defeat all these demons

17:49

inside the sells his service

17:52

to others the way you stay sober

17:54

that program is you help others stay sober

17:56

the way you overcome over eating is you help

17:58

someone else had overcome over or is

18:00

gamblers enormous or it's over workers

18:02

and on was i don't care what it is the way

18:04

that we become better the way that

18:06

we maintain our own great mental health

18:08

is we be of service mean the pandemic

18:11

is horrendous i had very very down

18:13

days like everyone did where you're like what

18:15

am i doing in world and life anymore

18:18

every time i had moment of i

18:21

said said get out be of service i have to

18:23

do a posting today i have to provide some content

18:25

for some of the benefit from today even if i

18:27

can go it out interact and you know personally

18:30

i'll get a link and post our get instagram post

18:32

out i will take something i learned from one of these beautiful

18:34

books i've read from all these great people throughout

18:37

all time as a time traveler

18:40

reading all these great things on would take some nuggets i'm

18:42

guessing nuggets out the people today and when one

18:44

person gives a response thank you for

18:46

making my day i mean stephanie you'll use a

18:48

few things already dark chat today that

18:50

you made me feel better because wow

18:53

i made an impact in someone's life that

18:55

is where we maintain her own mental health and when we

18:57

maintain own mental health and we have

18:59

that healthy outlook on the world that's when we

19:01

can be a greater service to others that's why said self

19:03

perpetuating yeah harm cycle

19:06

of leadership which is about others

19:08

please add few things that

19:10

i want address for audience though

19:12

one of the seeing the warsaw aligned on and

19:14

on just or overall methodology and our philosophy

19:16

on why we do we deal and that's incredible and i love

19:19

that about an amazing

19:21

that you said robin was robin was

19:23

act and in it of service when

19:25

i say that to people that are feeling

19:27

down or feeling hurt or feeling sad

19:29

or feeling scared back

19:32

the days of katrina he knows he will unlock

19:34

their houses that i said i want to get up

19:36

and a way to look at what you have right now because are

19:38

so many people to have less than what you have on right

19:41

now and said i know it's hard

19:43

but you need to be an example to your kids only

19:45

to go do this not for all day but

19:47

won't eat it to go get it to get other perspective

19:49

about how blessed the you are that you didn't lose

19:52

i loved ones and in right now we're

19:54

talking about a thing which is a house in as major

19:56

thing okay every one of his

19:58

people came back and said i would have

20:00

never in a million years thought to get

20:02

up and go serve others just yesterday

20:04

i was on linked in never on linked in accepted

20:07

as to the post okay and i have any

20:09

hit message box and gentleman had read

20:11

my i'd read my article and he

20:14

left me in the most beautiful

20:16

i get i get so the most beautiful message

20:18

and stinky first being so on as thank

20:20

for being so authentic and eat i

20:22

get two or three hundred them a days on not able

20:25

answer every one of them i'm just nice

20:27

but i left him to voice memos and

20:29

i said this is why i do this

20:31

and seems you so much for stopping you're very

20:33

busy day and writing that means

20:35

so much to me and he couldn't even believe

20:38

i answered in it was just i don't i answered

20:40

because it was so inspiring no matter who was

20:42

that you took the time to do that so i think in

20:44

the message of getting out and being a constant

20:46

incurious student and everything that you deal

20:48

and waking up in figuring out how to serve

20:50

others and the third thing is is

20:52

understanding the you

20:55

are where someone is striving to be

20:57

every single day have

20:59

a gratitude

21:00

be great for that's well as bad the sake

21:02

of the other half that equation is demonstrating

21:05

gratitude and pack late is so

21:07

powerful so important to do every single

21:09

day as well the arm serve others

21:11

and demonstrate gratitude to those who serve you

21:13

know we're all teacher mentors and guides

21:15

to others and we're all students of others yeah

21:18

and that's where the flow of life everyone

21:20

has something give us and everyone says that we

21:22

have something to give someone else someone absolutely

21:24

and the yes doesn't come from spy recruiting guy

21:27

i'm i am and

21:30

yeah that's that's amazing so the amazing robbins

21:32

how he is or ever time in your career

21:35

that you haven't been able to establish clear

21:37

connection

21:38

yes you know not understanding politics

21:41

and organizations you know is so

21:43

inside the organizations i've been part of i've

21:46

suffered from no

21:51

a and altruistic look at things where

21:53

i thought everyone around me was just like me as

21:55

extremely mission oriented ends i didn't

21:57

realize there's some people that are not as mission oriented

22:00

founded with their own careers in their career oriented

22:02

and , ah is thought about

22:05

things you do that get you promote it's

22:07

about who you know in relationship you build

22:09

that gets you promoted so it's there's been

22:11

plenty of gray blunders but

22:14

again when you when you have these

22:16

humbling moments in life where the path

22:18

has been stopped short when

22:20

you don't have the victim mentality you say

22:22

all right what did right what

22:25

too cause that you own

22:27

it and then you analyze the

22:29

actions you took and the effect of those

22:31

actions and you can objectively se ha

22:33

user going do next time years but learned from this

22:35

one and we just take that great beautiful

22:38

knowledge that this individual

22:40

gave us and as and these are people

22:42

that might be that you could considers

22:44

roadblocks people that objects

22:46

i don't like you know they are beautiful

22:48

gift to you she only knew exactly

22:50

what you are not doing

22:52

right in the moment to move in the direction

22:54

you want to so yes i've had tons

22:56

those moments

22:58

the like to consider the thing they to the kids as

23:00

or my does he know that pop quizzes he had

23:02

to take and cool as a quizzes with

23:04

no steady steady guide if you get

23:06

two or three or four of those answers writers

23:08

are lessons you can pass on somebody else that you've

23:10

lived through you've gone through and maybe

23:12

you can actually share a bit

23:15

as of the lesson with somebody else and

23:17

and maybe me i don't as he saved

23:19

them from at the navy lessen the blow

23:21

yeah and anyone can do all these

23:23

great things at any age as well you know haven't my

23:25

my twenty two year old son who is a

23:27

senior at naval academy about become second

23:29

lieutenant in two months arm

23:31

, leadership in human engages

23:33

with him sends a very young age

23:35

watch and him execute at very high level

23:37

that i can do and guys in my forties and

23:39

even now it's it's inspiring

23:42

it's it's the most gratifying thing and entire

23:44

world's arm i realized that

23:46

i as a mommy pro real has same thing

23:48

i was put on this planet do one thing be

23:50

my children's father and everything i've learned to my

23:52

entire life has gone into them that's

23:54

it

23:55

i think it's a again a the

23:57

alignment for me with iraq and is the and

24:00

eleven unbelievable i have four kids

24:02

and may i didn't say yes to

24:04

a twelve years old twenty seven years old

24:07

and and my gosh your master

24:10

or or i'm old one of the to on the old

24:12

master how that i

24:14

you'll get a master i it

24:17

hurts their conversation is a he was biggest

24:19

accomplishment not always come back and would go

24:21

professionally or personally and don't

24:23

do that anymore because it is matter

24:25

professionally what i've done is and for them and

24:27

personally what i've done has been for them so

24:30

every job that i've taken every contract

24:32

as said no to every client

24:34

i left home early for because they've had a

24:36

you know css tournament or they've

24:38

had recital or whatever it is they

24:40

are everything and the only

24:43

thing and i'm all my greatest

24:45

lessons of come from them by couldn't

24:47

be more aligned with that is no and

24:49

and thankfully the sounds like you might

24:51

have it is well this is not solo

24:53

journey i couldn't i've made choices and

24:55

decisions i made those better ones

24:57

without what i call what we all need in

24:59

life and that the loving critic mom

25:01

who can be objective force that is emotionally

25:03

attached to our success but anonymously

25:05

tad to our outcome so ,

25:07

me it's my wife wife so every

25:09

time i had an opportunity

25:11

for further advancement to take another

25:13

moved to do all these great things that the

25:15

ego in me wanted

25:18

i go home all excited as home all

25:20

with heard my children's oh my gosh i'm

25:22

get the do this what you think about that and her

25:24

answer was always this oh that sounds

25:26

very nice are you can be home more

25:29

are you gonna be home less because we don't care what do

25:31

we just care about you we want to see you

25:33

more and therein lies my entire

25:35

path if it ever meant as can

25:37

be homeless i had to put my ego aside

25:39

and say you know i am first and foremost

25:42

dad and that was hard

25:44

to do and also other people's opinions

25:46

i remember when was at quantico as an instructor

25:48

to counterintelligence training center than i took over the

25:50

baby oil team which in the in the

25:52

f b i is not a great rear

25:55

dancing career path because you're on supports idea

25:57

like chris vos chris boss is not in

25:59

the no he when he ran

26:01

crisis negotiation group that's not

26:03

the the premier thing on the operation

26:05

aside you believe it not you would think so

26:07

right because the rest world sees it but we're

26:09

kind of it's different track that you're taking

26:12

and i remember i had friends mine saying hey robin when

26:14

gonna leave that place income do do some real

26:16

work and i'm like dude i know what makes

26:18

me happy that ain't your

26:21

life is not what satisfies me

26:23

my life is what satisfies me and again

26:25

the ability to do that requires ego

26:27

suspension humility

26:29

and understanding your why in robin

26:32

to jump on this where's

26:34

the chris was his mouth either maybe he had no

26:35

no i'm using critique i mean christians very

26:38

clear communicator okay and he's like

26:40

i mean it was great career for me

26:42

the raiders but this was not the limelight

26:44

this is not there you know these are not that

26:47

you're trolling for his class he did this is not

26:49

the type of job this is a very

26:51

support oriented role that

26:53

he that he very kind robin he said

26:56

that i had the privilege and

26:58

the honor to do it

27:00

all about serving others

27:01

he got he worked very hard for that as well

27:03

i yearned i only met him once

27:06

very early on when i joined be able

27:08

team because he's been doing what he's done a long time

27:10

so he actually trained me when

27:12

i joined the team in two thousand to get was only three

27:14

days behind him old robin a playing in morning

27:16

was really exciting for math and

27:20

, read his book or last year

27:22

and because i've i've been as lot

27:24

so you sound lot like chris was in some

27:26

areas but then you defer and night so i need

27:28

to understand what was seen as but the to see

27:30

that and the thing and the

27:32

about his book was the humility he had

27:34

when he first of because we're both a new york at the

27:36

same time together and he went to marry galligan

27:38

was her name i remember her new york insane i

27:40

want to be a crisis ago shader and he

27:42

said some yeah more than go volunteer

27:45

on a on a suicide hotline for six months

27:47

then come back talk to me again and he did

27:49

and the stories he told about that was profound

27:51

map i've used that same advice

27:53

the people that wanna do something similar of

27:55

be of service i said they go practice been of

27:57

service in high stress situations and then

28:00

and i learned from curses book and

28:03

anybody who's wondering like robin said it's

28:05

crit via the and i'm he's gonna be airing

28:07

feel and but he actually speaks about

28:09

this this phrase

28:12

that phrase that is talking about where he actually

28:15

he said eating that there's as beautiful glorifying

28:18

you know way up to go be a crisis negotiator

28:20

and he's like there's not any basically talks

28:22

about working the suicide hotline

28:25

and feeling of service

28:27

and feeling of okay

28:29

i visiting they need to apply than what i learned

28:31

married when i apply every single day

28:33

the humility and like hander

28:35

humility and overall risk factor

28:38

in his center and tonality is is unbelievable

28:40

so i really appreciate a so much ensuring

28:42

your honest opinions

28:44

yeah was impressed with the humility

28:46

add to then share about his first evil

28:48

on how use the yeah void after

28:51

, the how bad a voice was like

28:54

no humility and humbleness ends

28:57

vulnerability is one the greatest

28:59

ways you can build connections with people

29:01

like a here's what i'm good at i'm know what i'm good

29:03

app unknown cares here's what really suck at but

29:05

here's what i haven't place to overcome that here's

29:07

what i'm working on people aren't looking for you to be

29:09

perfect they're looking you to make an effort and

29:12

yourself aware enough to know all right

29:14

i got things i'm working on but have a plan

29:16

and so just bear with me as working my plan

29:18

not going to be perfect for yes and if you see

29:20

something that see can poke that for me let me know

29:22

please do their ego

29:24

and what a beautiful segue into

29:26

says emotional intelligence the

29:28

eat you the don't awareness

29:31

is self actualization you

29:33

know forward thinking weird

29:35

is that the and for you taught me about emotional intelligence

29:38

that how you develop this emotional intelligence

29:40

in a relationship develops i'm so

29:42

i was exposed emotional intelligence arm back

29:44

when i was teaching at quantico as those kind

29:46

of became fanatic i get certified

29:48

and all these different instruments like myers briggs

29:51

desk we use neo pr the five factor

29:53

model on behavioral team mice likes to

29:55

and then he to came along around the same time emotional

29:57

intelligence as i got the i took that i guess

30:00

if i do that as well i ,

30:02

that to death because in

30:04

one it made me feel better about myself because

30:06

a heavy cause for a conference

30:09

if you something he developed over time i

30:11

think what they sit around age sixty four base

30:13

we will retire are or emotional toll just are

30:15

dropping off because stop the only hate

30:17

whatever i think i i don't care what want things

30:19

anyway ah flying i'd

30:21

south actually thing i'm not any do any little getting

30:23

on my love emotional intelligence because

30:26

one they have five facets of

30:28

five facets emotional intelligence and when i love

30:30

this is that if you have more least five

30:32

basset say it's knowledge of

30:34

self which is ego is it won't let

30:36

which is me juri if you have

30:38

all these things that is really spike to high

30:41

they'll tell you to stop being

30:43

so egocentric they try mitigate

30:46

it by increasing something else so instead

30:48

of saying i have to stop because he can't stop

30:50

been who you are which can do is you

30:52

could add something else and so to overcome

30:54

that sense of self which might be a little

30:56

too high you make it more about other

30:58

people to bring that one down you

31:00

know so that's how we bring things about that's why really

31:02

love about emotional intelligence is that

31:05

case one you can continually

31:07

to develop it as opposed to ikea

31:09

which is really pretty set that's why lobby duke is

31:11

my i q here who knows but

31:13

emotional intelligence is something that if we're

31:15

aware enough and humble enough

31:17

to continue to learn in progress it's something

31:19

we can continue to improve upon

31:21

the tell me what relationship

31:23

risks and you can speak for yourself personally

31:26

or you're amazing career taught

31:28

me about when there's emotional

31:30

vacancy or people lack

31:32

self awareness what happened

31:35

in business relationship then impersonal

31:37

relationship says i've seen it did

31:39

it i , judge path and

31:41

well designed just becomes a little bit more challenging

31:44

potentially potentially found that people

31:46

that are are generally not as

31:48

self aware or vague and as you say

31:51

they tend be a little more insecure and they're going to

31:53

be very a little more emotionally unstable

31:55

they're going below more reactionary to things

31:58

are which is find it just me

32:00

iirc the i think human beings it had

32:02

to be pretty predictable you just can't

32:04

yeah i love sitting back observe and behaviors

32:06

because once i observe you know actions words

32:08

deeds a few times and gonna be a pretty much

32:10

predict what you gonna do next which

32:12

makes it little bit easier to deal with in

32:15

, you need someone actually can cognitively

32:17

think a low be clear and not mostly rak

32:19

the thing so it's just all the more challenging

32:22

than all then do is a step back and assess

32:24

is this kind of individual and where they're currently

32:26

at in their path is compatible with what

32:28

i'm actually trying achieve in the moment and then it

32:30

becomes just about actions

32:32

and not about the personalization the individual

32:35

so that you don't wanna do that way it to

32:37

me it's never person i don't take things personally when they're

32:39

said to me cause it even if they're

32:41

said and in manner a tone which is

32:43

our might offend someone will people

32:45

take offense because their egos are involved of all mind

32:47

not involved i just realized if you're developing

32:50

if you're delivering content mean way

32:52

that is socially not is normal

32:55

it means that one i either did something

32:57

flare up an insecurity of use i'm going own what

32:59

might have done to do than to i also don't allow

33:02

myself be collateral damage any

33:04

insecurity that you have in delivering their contents

33:06

i'll listen to the contents of the contents relevant

33:08

if it's not all discarded if it is ah

33:10

my just dismiss how it's common in at me

33:13

and so were the mostly deal

33:15

with people that aren't self aware ah

33:17

just might a little more challenging because they tend to

33:19

be the more transactional the more

33:21

right transactional causes the same connection

33:24

gets hotter than about that tuesday

33:27

she said, hey if i just sit down and talk to again,

33:29

i go back to i go back to chris and he said i

33:31

ate those people going say, how are are you today? he goes

33:33

i don't do because i look at you exactly

33:39

how do bring this forward? how

33:41

do you either stay your

33:43

mistrusting the relationship or you

33:46

are not as drawn to the relationship

33:48

as you would like to be do you call it out or do you

33:50

just work around it

33:51

he's seen it but it depends

33:53

it depends the other person and worse either

33:56

add on their on their path you know so

33:58

as i'm watching observing dominant might

34:00

be in in one the situations where they

34:02

are mostly vacant or whatever

34:05

it is if it looks like

34:07

they're trying to overcome

34:09

something lot are generally do maybe

34:11

one test of hey so a kind challenges

34:14

you yourself dealing with today what kind of challenge

34:16

you with this project what kind of challenges and

34:18

so when i get a response to and open

34:20

ended challenges question if challenges

34:22

focus a lot an things

34:24

then very current issues

34:27

then they tend be pretty surface people

34:30

but but if a more profound

34:32

oh my gosh you know im dealing with this and

34:34

i i i you know i dont

34:36

know where im going in life i dont know you

34:39

my path is you know those kind deeper

34:41

questions or are and that they have

34:43

for themselves then thats someone whos trying

34:45

discover something little bit deeper

34:47

so those are ones oh i

34:50

have i'll just have discovery i call discovery

34:52

conversations will ask more questions about

34:54

what it they're trying to do you know what your goals

34:56

and objectives are what actions you taking

34:58

us moving you forward are not moving you forward

35:01

so it really depends on what the other person

35:03

is looking for a cause i'm never

35:06

one thing if you're going to make connections

35:08

is , you don't want be out of tempo

35:10

with the other person and you also

35:12

don't want to try to bring them down a path that they're not

35:14

ready to go down yet because you'll blow the connection

35:18

i want to have that trust is this is

35:20

one of things that i have

35:22

learned so much in the short time

35:25

that , known each other just just watching

35:27

you are listening to podcasts are you reading

35:29

the book talk to me about the core principles

35:32

because here's the thing when started to read

35:34

those i was thinking for me all gosh

35:36

this is awesome this is a tool that is amazing

35:39

okay but could also see people

35:41

who may be had an issue with ego

35:44

or maybe or maybe it's comfortable

35:46

with themselves or maybe we're trying to

35:49

harm or be charismatic

35:51

i could see it now working out so well for them

35:54

and like you said i really see that all time to it really

35:56

depends try to meet people where they are and

35:59

, established really good connection

36:01

for cry when you're going out in

36:03

your been getting people to master

36:06

people trusting them what the core

36:08

principle that

36:08

with the first like to come to define

36:10

trust is i define trust in it

36:12

is little bit different than webster's

36:14

dictionary definition which don't have

36:16

off the top man i apologize for that but i have

36:18

lifted up see where i differ so

36:20

, define trust says release

36:23

predictability trust is it about liking

36:25

someone which can be extremely subjective

36:28

where have zimmer likes interest background

36:30

ethics morals all those things helpless like

36:32

someone but trust is different to me trust

36:34

is about predictable behavior because trust means

36:37

i can reason we predict what you're going

36:39

to do when engaging with me

36:41

when engaging with the prodigal engage with anyone

36:43

else because trust is repeated behavior

36:45

and if behavior and observe differ repeated behaviors

36:47

over time i can trust you're going to

36:49

do things same way continuously

36:52

in less something

36:54

else enters your priorities that changes

36:57

that so so i'll eyes to

36:59

me trusted are predictable behavior in

37:01

other words when someone's com and down the street in

37:03

there in car newness opposite direction of

37:05

you i can trust that you're going to act your

37:07

own best interest in our hit me meanwhile

37:09

i could have my best friend in world i'd love

37:11

that these great friend and everything but i'm

37:13

pilot and he's not pilot i can't trust

37:15

him to throw them the key that a plane because i like

37:17

him and not kill us friends in our source

37:19

about predictable behavior from and observation

37:22

and so then i have my six signs of predictable

37:24

behavior i'm looking at any six

37:26

signs i'm looking at i can manage my expectations

37:29

from people i'm engaging with because the

37:31

one the worst things we can do for making connection

37:33

building relationships and building trust is

37:35

to have mismatch and what we can reasonably

37:37

expect someone's gonna do and what expectations

37:39

are and so we don't want hold the bar

37:41

really high for someone if they're gonna come in lower

37:44

because them were gonna get angry resentment

37:46

ten min all the negative emotions and that just

37:48

ruins relationships why relationships

37:50

why as want place the bar exactly where

37:52

expect them com because i'm a watching observing

37:55

that means are you going to hit the bar exceed

37:57

bar and because i paid so close

38:00

the tension to him if they come in below bar

38:02

that means there's something going on their

38:04

life that cause mccomb below the bar means

38:06

i need to find what they're paying

38:08

point is a cause that in other words it makes you

38:11

all about them so my six size really

38:13

quick art number one side is vesting

38:15

know words are they doing signs actions in

38:17

these that they're vested in your success as much

38:19

as their own second one is longevity do

38:21

they see this relationship is transactional

38:23

more long term that i'm looking for a liability

38:26

can actually do what they're going say that they have diligence

38:28

the follow through on it but i'm looking for actions

38:30

this is passed parents key behaviors by see

38:33

someone do some than one two or three to

38:35

the same way the likelihood of doing it for

38:37

five exactly the same than

38:39

, have language language my most beautiful

38:41

one cause this heads my for core pillars

38:43

of communication where the communication she's

38:45

from you to someone else that is because

38:47

are they seeking my thoughts and opinions with

38:49

that usher in their own talk enters a my

38:51

priorities sort of there's validating

38:54

me without judging me and give me choices

38:56

granted now all these signs are things

38:58

we should be doing in demonstrating for them as

39:00

well in final sign is the

39:02

big trucks nas emotional stability

39:05

and or time to the rest and stress and all the

39:07

emotional hijacking neko can go on

39:09

how fast as they come back to centers are cod

39:11

needing again or they mostly stable so

39:13

those are sick signs i'm looking for there's

39:16

multiple tells and body language

39:18

observations make under each one of them but that

39:20

seat that nutshell south carolina

39:22

had to anatomy

39:23

after me that nothing credible were notice

39:26

what part do you believe that him

39:29

that he plays with

39:30

ah embodies everything so

39:33

, seen the world to someone elses

39:35

point of view and their contacts to drop that their

39:37

land their ethnicity their generation orientation

39:40

their i where they grew up their demographic

39:42

economics that a social status see

39:44

the world through someone elses lens

39:47

entirely without judging without

39:49

to understand exactly what they're going

39:51

through compassion is compassion combination

39:53

of empathy plus action so empty

39:55

but his empathy that first step in

39:57

see in that context and making that can

40:00

the and invalidating it being curious

40:02

about it that's where we really forge

40:04

deep connections and

40:06

the more you are curious about

40:08

individual without judging them again as the third

40:11

pillar of communication and nonjudgmental

40:13

curiosity that's or empathy comes in when

40:16

do you coach and when you cut

40:18

good question i faces probably not

40:20

nearly much as you do i coach as

40:22

long as there's something if there's progress

40:24

being made and someone wants more

40:27

and their ma making progress and not excuses

40:29

i guess so is the i i stop

40:32

i , literally have client that stopped

40:34

because the second they

40:36

thought they knew at all all

40:39

is his time was like alright you know all time

40:41

for you to move on and i literally got

40:43

rid of this this in individual lives overseas

40:45

and i hadn't heard from about six months

40:47

because he said i got this thank you so much

40:49

i've i'm going to mass my life move on i'm

40:51

like okay because again i don't judge your

40:53

judge and i'm six

40:55

months passing leached out for me last

40:57

week begging to a to be a client

40:59

again because he got fired from his job

41:02

because his ego gotten away and

41:04

away he's had some humbling moments and he articulated

41:06

the things he's learned and how he wants

41:08

to now continue the path like

41:10

okay civic and fifteen

41:13

will see exactly how open your a oh so

41:15

it it's there you go it comes down to

41:17

person new coach when there's

41:19

something there's coach and you

41:21

cut when they think there's nothing more to learn

41:23

and for me when they think there's nothing

41:25

more to learn i probably know it little

41:27

before they do to him a shame because

41:30

i can see it in their body language and

41:32

their a or how to me or the

41:34

listening or wanting to make change or

41:36

or you get the plateau of i'm good

41:38

i'm good i'm good says they're them and patients

41:40

exactly exactly

41:43

patience is good one to observe because you can

41:45

see a patient people get when they get impatient they

41:47

like out that means are they think know it okay

41:49

are you from not go play with

41:51

it until you don't know it anymore and come back

41:54

no our last segment is around

41:56

body language with talked about this before

41:58

so before the pandemic

42:00

i coach executive and entrepreneurs

42:03

high wells high visibility people

42:05

and i talk about very personal

42:08

and he things because i believe personal his business

42:10

i'm i believe deeply that they both there's

42:12

no work life balance there's work life harmony

42:15

to that there balanced that means everything's

42:17

equally as emperor and at the exact same time

42:19

i don't man i just thought life

42:21

yes

42:21

right at your life that's exactly right it's just

42:23

place in so long as have great support

42:26

and the people around you that love you that have no

42:28

as you calling you out on when you're your

42:30

teams like that you know

42:32

feel like it

42:33

really lovely harmony that

42:36

being said the extraordinarily

42:38

difficult for me to do my job on

42:40

doom they couldn't really

42:42

see the body language very well and talking

42:44

about very deep seeing highly

42:47

detailed highly disturbing sometimes

42:50

on what they were going to both mentally and physically

42:52

and was very difficult for me to actually

42:54

has actually business running successfully over

42:56

zoom without being able to feel the body language

42:59

in room do you have the same experience

43:01

how was it for you and the pandemic rumbling

43:03

probably much like you i'm guessing

43:06

for you you got really really

43:08

good at voice yeah as

43:10

we lose one sense the others pick up

43:13

cf and so yeah because our

43:15

voice and vocals is as powerful

43:17

as indicator of anything as

43:19

as by languages and so you

43:21

probably got really good at voice and granted

43:24

elise we have little bit of body on

43:26

zoom by a deathly do not

43:28

feel the energy in room or things like that

43:30

so i imagine that you might

43:32

have looked down and away from the screen

43:34

that more than you used to just to get to listen

43:36

to the voice and because your baseline what

43:38

normal is for them as you're talking about more

43:41

comfortable things comfortable things when more

43:43

when potential more stressful things might

43:45

come up you're trying to assess how stressful that

43:47

is for my how uncomfortable they are with a you seen

43:49

deviation from that normal baseline they've established

43:51

as with their voice farmed and probably

43:53

the only they'll say that you might might have helped

43:56

you durness or as it did me a little bit

43:58

since you can record zoom cause you

44:00

can go back watch record and so can actually

44:02

listen to the that voice as well

44:04

and watch a non verbal the same time grants

44:07

you only get from the chest up a yeah you're not getting

44:09

that critical in the room

44:11

energy on that you're getting by

44:13

the glass half full kind guy i'm going to find something

44:16

good out necessity some good say steaks

44:18

you develop mad skills in vocal

44:20

listening i have kid question how

44:23

do

44:23

the work with the kids through whatever

44:25

middle school through teenagers

44:27

through adolescent into moving

44:29

into adulthood how do you work with them

44:31

on a devilish in reestablishing

44:33

trust after they broke

44:34

gen so this one's always been easy on

44:36

because of my wife glad i gave her a

44:38

lot credit in this i'm so yeah

44:40

great things in life require teams and relations

44:43

and partnerships and luckily for this i had

44:45

this i am that taipei that you know you

44:47

as parents we are trained to

44:49

be judgmental are more kids when they're tall

44:51

as could keep them safe and then as they grow

44:54

we have to move away from judging and and

44:56

be accepting an understanding because if we

44:58

start invalidating their choice

45:00

in their friends and all the things are going shut down and not

45:02

talk to us and most importantly we do with our children

45:04

is can open lines of trust

45:06

and communication that were even when they

45:08

do something from our perspective that stupid

45:11

they're going skill share with us so can still be part of

45:13

our life my wife help me do

45:15

that so we never judge what they're doing

45:17

now com sassy behavior that was in

45:19

l caught be here less income grew it's

45:22

with with them moving forward and beam

45:24

and having progress what we generally

45:26

did with this up be frozen me arm over

45:28

delhi that was as if luckily for us

45:31

my both my children had a at

45:33

decent understanding of what they want to do

45:35

with their lives and that became

45:37

bedrock of our conversations when

45:39

their behavior deviated so my daughter

45:41

wanted be a nurse for very long time she went

45:43

the least the story i understand i'll probably wrong

45:46

he volunteered at my wife's

45:48

school as he my wife will have to teach at

45:50

of their elementary school and she went in one

45:52

summer and he helped out the school nurse

45:54

from that time for she wanted be nurse

45:56

and so from from that point forward my

45:59

job was to the resource for her success

46:01

in nursing whether the cause

46:03

you want to go to the programs you want to get into and

46:05

all these different things so every time she

46:07

my do a behavior that was thinking through

46:09

that whether breaking curfew

46:12

grades actions friends

46:14

the question always came down to is the heck caitlin

46:16

help me understand you said you want be a nurse

46:18

she said you are do this in or do that we have to do x

46:20

y and z correct yes help me understand

46:23

what this behavior years did

46:25

to help or hinder you achieving that so became

46:27

conversation about what it is that they are trying

46:29

to do their lives and how their behavior was

46:31

either helping hindering him from doing the same thing my

46:33

son my son want to to naval academy and

46:35

been live in northern virginia trying to go to surface

46:37

academy you and you

46:39

are going to compete against the best in country

46:41

where the most competitive congressional district the

46:43

entire country so you have to go away

46:46

above and beyond and so every time you

46:48

want get lazy and not do things and join

46:50

clubs and be do sports or i

46:52

was asked him or bad grades

46:54

and was asked about my daughter is i remember very

46:56

clearly said he goes that how come you're always ask

46:58

me about my grades more than caitlin i so that's easy

47:01

kalan wants to go to george mason university

47:03

become nurse she's good go you're trying to

47:05

go naval academy i said if you don't want

47:07

me ask you all by your grades change what is you

47:09

want to do is pretty simple your choice

47:11

i'm here to support you so i would

47:13

say just because you gotta make it about them

47:16

i love that i really major

47:18

think it that's it so tactical but it's so

47:20

practical and just making it about them

47:22

asking them questions about what they were has that changed

47:24

you know have you changed your decision on what you on

47:26

d or any of that as good as

47:28

that's that's unbelievable robin

47:31

, has been tell fine as usual

47:33

is always awesome hang out with you i love

47:35

spending time with you i learned so much

47:38

as you well know this whole entire show's

47:40

about obstacles and opportunities

47:42

what did the biggest obstacle the you have faced

47:45

the have been able to turn into an opportunity

47:47

failing out of aerospace engineering and

47:49

my eyes going badly can be a navy pilots

47:52

start , fire at and

47:54

, and rank lasted made for squadron

47:57

the marine corps and fourteen out of fourteen and

47:59

been told i just the be a better leader that

48:02

was the gauntlet was laid down to try to figure

48:04

it all out so their egos probably the first

48:06

of many but away the started road going

48:08

of what do do now what now lieutenant

48:10

is the famous phrase we used

48:12

the you so much for sharing our that and robin

48:15

weird people go to find out more about

48:17

you and get your book and all that

48:19

good stuff

48:20

absolutely and thank you people formula

48:22

dot com thats my company people formula

48:24

all one word dot com um you can

48:26

i got page on there for my podcast i have three

48:28

books i have online learning training coaching

48:31

you name it all things death by robin

48:33

are on there as well as all the free articles

48:35

resources so however you want scale

48:37

yourself go right there as well

48:39

as reach out for me um pretty communicative least

48:41

i try be so there you

48:43

go thanks lot stephanie

48:45

absolutely thank you so much for coming on

48:47

i can't tell you how much i appreciate it and looking for

48:49

the chatting with you really sale me too

48:51

it's gonna be great thank you for her thanks

48:54

for listening to spinet if you enjoyed listening

48:56

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49:24

at stephanie mallick dot com