0:00

Welcome to Speaking of Sex with

0:02

the Pleasure Mechanics. I'm

0:04

Chris. I'm Charlotte. We are

0:06

the Pleasure Mechanics. And on

0:08

this podcast, we have honest,

0:11

explicit, yet wholesome conversations about

0:13

sex, pleasure, and the joy

0:15

of intimate connection. Come

0:17

on over to pleasuremechanics.com, where

0:20

you will find all of the resources we

0:22

have been lovingly creating for you since

0:25

we stepped into our uniforms in 2006. We

0:29

had met in the halls of

0:32

sexological bodywork training, fallen

0:34

in love, and devoted our

0:36

lives to sharing proven strategies

0:38

so you can access more

0:41

pleasure, more touch, more joy,

0:43

more love. It's all waiting

0:45

for you at pleasuremechanics.com. On

0:47

today's episode, we want to

0:50

invite you into a brand

0:52

new teaching we just posted

0:55

that is kind of a culmination of work we've

0:57

been doing for, I don't know, 20 years, really

1:02

looking at how we can

1:04

reckon with sexual shame. We

1:08

just offered this presentation as part

1:10

of a kink summit. And

1:12

we got to be live in the room as

1:15

a few hundred people took it in and hear

1:17

their responses and be in dialogue with people. And

1:20

so we are really proud of how this

1:22

teaching has landed for people. And we want

1:24

to share it with you all. You

1:26

can find it right now for free at

1:30

pleasuremechanics.com slash pod.

1:33

It is part of our Pleasure

1:35

Pod membership offerings. Your first month

1:37

in the Pleasure Pod is free.

1:39

So you can come watch the

1:41

teaching, poke around, and settle in.

1:44

And if you enjoy being a

1:46

supporting member of the Pleasure Mechanics

1:48

community, if you value the work

1:50

we do in the world, if

1:52

you want to support us and

1:54

keep going towards our 500th episode

1:56

and beyond, beyond, beyond, then

1:58

you can stick around for. a sustaining membership

2:01

of 10 bucks a month and

2:03

be part of our inner circle. Again,

2:06

you can find this teaching we're

2:08

about to talk about at pleasuremechanics.com slash

2:11

pod and your first month

2:14

is absolutely free so you can watch this

2:16

teaching. We want this to

2:18

be available to everyone because shame and sexual shame

2:22

specifically is a

2:25

sticky web, a force

2:27

that impacts all of us and I

2:29

do mean all of us and

2:32

some of us carry a much heavier burden with this,

2:34

some of us think we're free of

2:36

it and then get slammed unexpectedly

2:38

in moments and

2:41

all of us as we're going to discuss

2:44

are subject to the force

2:46

of shame even if it's unspoken and

2:49

unnamed. Shame is one of

2:51

these invisible forces that if we don't name

2:53

it, if we don't lay it

2:55

head-on, it slays

2:58

us one way or the other.

3:00

It forces conformity and

3:03

drives so many of our decisions

3:06

and our motivations that until we

3:08

are really rooting it out we

3:10

are subject to shame's embrace and

3:13

it's a stinky one. It's one that

3:15

doesn't allow us to thrive in our

3:17

authenticity and trust our intimate connections

3:20

and relax into the feeling of

3:22

safe belonging with one another and

3:25

so many of us ache for that

3:28

and what's in between us and

3:30

what we call fearless belonging is

3:33

shame. I

3:36

think it's powerful for us to all

3:38

remember that it's completely normal and human

3:41

to experience shame and to

3:43

just know that there's nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong with

3:45

you, you are not broken. It is just

3:48

normal to experience shame in this world

3:50

and then we have choice and we have

3:52

agency around what we do with it but

3:55

of course first we have to see it before we

3:57

can do anything else with it and now

4:00

Part of what we wanted this talk to offer

4:02

people is just bringing some. Awareness and

4:04

some attention to this force.

4:06

That that does guide us

4:08

sometimes that moves. Our actions

4:10

that. Informed.

4:13

Choices that we make and when

4:15

we have a little more awareness

4:17

and attention around at we can

4:19

have more choice and and that

4:21

with that often more freedom around

4:24

what we do, what we experience

4:26

while. We allow ourselves and how

4:28

we express ourselves re because so

4:30

much of what shame tells us

4:32

and just. To differentiate really quickly

4:34

between shame and guilt. Shame

4:37

tells us that we are

4:39

wrong, that we are broken,

4:41

that we are not worthy

4:43

that something. About us as

4:45

inherently wrong or growth or

4:47

ah, doesn't fit in and

4:50

because of that thing about

4:52

us that is wrong or

4:54

broken arm or lesser than

4:57

right, Shame operates on hierarchies

4:59

because of that feeling we

5:01

tell ourselves we don't belong,

5:04

We don't fit in, We

5:06

don't allow intimate connection and

5:08

social bonding or. We don't even

5:10

show up for the party, right? because we don't

5:13

feel like we fit in there. Whereas

5:15

guilt so shame tells us that

5:17

we are broken. guilt is a

5:19

healthy pro social emotion the tells

5:21

us. We have done something

5:24

wrong or against our values.

5:26

Guilt is repairable. Girl drives

5:28

us to reconnect. And take

5:30

ownership and accountability for our

5:32

actions. Shame is an antisocial

5:34

ah kind of external experience

5:36

that is done to you

5:38

but then internalize and we

5:40

make it. about who we

5:42

are and this is the

5:44

thing is so much of

5:46

shame is about our social

5:48

conditioning and how we were

5:50

raised and the social messages.

5:52

Of belonging and worthiness and

5:55

how much we fit in.

5:58

As ourselves. so. Not

6:00

just an issue for people who

6:03

have different bodies. Or on,

6:05

don't feel good enough in some

6:07

way. Gender itself is kind

6:09

of a system of discipline through

6:11

shaming. Are you man enough? Are

6:13

you a good girl? enough? Are

6:15

you being the right kind of

6:17

boy? And we have all been

6:19

subjected to this in one way

6:22

or another, and that's just one.

6:24

Layer and in our research. So

6:26

the shame players talk is very

6:28

much informed. By you all by

6:30

our pleasure mechanics community and

6:32

we have a shame Slayer

6:34

survey that is still alive

6:36

and you'll find it in

6:38

A. right? Along with the talks are you

6:41

can participate. And I love

6:43

the on director of the some

6:45

it as she did the survey.

6:47

called it like an extensive journaling,

6:49

prompt and that is so. Right

6:51

on. All of our interactive experiences

6:54

are designed to. Evoke

6:56

can perhaps provoke out of you.

6:58

I'm your own. true how

7:00

has shame shown up for you?

7:02

And so we break down like

7:05

twenty different kinds of sexual shame

7:07

and give you examples of them.

7:10

and so you can kind of

7:12

reflect for yourself. what are the

7:14

where he is that you

7:16

have been shamed into believing that

7:19

you. Are not enough that you

7:21

are unworthy that you don't sit

7:24

in that you are not a

7:26

beloved exquisite. A unique and wonderful

7:28

member of the human family. Right

7:31

like that is are inherent.

7:33

Dignity that we all deserve. Is

7:36

that knowing that just as we

7:38

are we are enough and we

7:40

are loveable and we both long.

7:43

Any. Variation from not is.

7:46

Shame. Operating within our.

7:48

Psyches that tell us know this. Isn't

7:50

for you? This belonging thing Know

7:53

you're not cool enough. Beautiful enough,

7:55

rich enough, smart enough, skilled enough?

7:58

anything enough. And

8:00

therefore, you're not worthy of connection. And

8:03

this is where having the

8:06

vocabulary to really pinpoint and

8:08

see where your shame originates

8:10

is incredibly useful, so that

8:12

you can find the precise

8:14

antidote to undo that or

8:16

work with it. So

8:18

the survey is really powerful for

8:20

that to give you a moment

8:22

to really reflect and get clear

8:24

about what is real for you.

8:27

And as excavation process we lead.

8:29

You through re because we can

8:31

start thinking about Will who shamed

8:33

you while my grandmother you know.

8:35

and then you think about well, who

8:37

shamed her. Where did she learn

8:39

those messages? Was she trying to

8:41

protect. You in that shaming

8:44

behavior and these intergenerational.

8:46

Legacies: These. Cultural roots of shame

8:48

become more and more as it in

8:50

and then we can locate ourselves within

8:53

them. And so much party shame right?

8:55

So much fat phobia. So much Able

8:57

Isn't is rooted in a lineage, a

9:00

history of these hierarchy that say somebody

9:02

is are more valuable than others and

9:04

once we see that most of us

9:07

will orient ourselves around like I don't

9:09

wanna be a part of that, that's

9:11

not me, that's not what I stand

9:13

for in this world. And so once

9:16

you have. That. A

9:18

perspective on it. It really

9:20

helps us see the behaviors

9:22

in real time and interrupt

9:24

them. And that's what shame

9:26

Slayers is about. It's about

9:28

noticing shame. Getting really clear

9:30

about what it feels like and

9:33

how experiences of even things like

9:35

shyness can be a symptom of

9:37

shame. and one of the moments

9:39

in the talk. I really loved

9:41

his when I talked about the

9:44

highest cost of shame as conformity.

9:47

right? And all the ways we

9:49

can talk ourselves away. From are authentic

9:51

True that in order to sit

9:53

in I think is the highest. Cost

9:55

of shame that we all pay and what

9:57

happens on the other side of the. what

10:00

happens when we start noticing it, and

10:03

then developing strategies to

10:05

slay the shame in its tracks. After

10:08

we take a break to thank our

10:11

sponsor for this episode, I want to

10:13

look at some of these shame slaying

10:15

strategies, especially the social ones, and

10:18

think about how we can all step

10:22

up into becoming into

10:24

practicing being shame slayers.

10:27

But first, let's take a moment and

10:30

thank Factor Meals for feeding us so

10:32

well this week and

10:34

offering at-home delivery of

10:37

ready-to-eat chef-designed meals that

10:39

are ready to go in two minutes flat.

10:42

They have been such a game changer

10:44

for us here at the Pleasure Mechanics headquarters.

10:47

We love food, and so we tend to

10:49

cook three meals a day from scratch. And

10:51

having Factor Meals ready to go in our

10:53

fridge has saved us time and money

10:56

from that impulse to want to go

10:58

out or get takeout. We

11:00

have beautiful, complete meals waiting

11:02

for us in our fridge,

11:04

along with extras like Power

11:07

Nutritional Shots, Turmeric Ginger

11:09

Elixirs that have been so good

11:11

on my throat recently. So

11:13

big thanks to Factor Meals. You

11:16

can customize your own meals

11:18

according to your dietary preferences,

11:20

whether you are paleo or

11:22

gluten-free or dairy-free or some

11:25

combination like we are, you can

11:27

dial it in so you get

11:29

deliciousness on your

11:31

own terms, delivered right

11:34

to your door. Head

11:36

to factormeals.com/pleasure 50 and

11:38

use the code pleasure 50, that's 5-0, to

11:41

get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next.

11:47

That's code pleasure 50

11:49

at factormeals.com/pleasure 50 to

11:52

get 50% off your

11:54

first box plus 20%

11:57

off your next while your subscription is

11:59

up. active and you're going to

12:01

want to keep it active because it's delicious,

12:04

saves you time and money, and

12:06

keeps you nourished for

12:08

all that life brings.

12:10

That's factormeals.com slash

12:13

pleasure50 and you will find this link

12:15

in the show notes and

12:18

at pleasuremechanics.com/toolbox

12:22

where you will find all of the links

12:24

from our generous sponsors to equip you for

12:26

your pleasure journey ahead. And factormeals

12:28

have been so delicious for us.

12:30

We really love food and food

12:33

like sex is one of these

12:35

places that we can find our

12:37

shame operating over and over

12:39

again. When you go on dates, do you

12:42

feel free to eat in front of people?

12:44

When you go to parties, how free do you

12:46

feel to hit the snack table? Do

12:49

you shame other people for

12:51

their food choices if they are

12:53

different than yours? Food

12:56

is again one of these places that

12:58

is so culturally conditioned that

13:01

there are so many messages being bombarded

13:03

at us about what is normal and

13:05

healthy and right and to

13:07

find your internal sense of what

13:09

feels good and right to you

13:12

is a pretty bold move. And

13:15

like food, sex, sexuality,

13:17

gender expression, how we express

13:20

ourselves with and through our

13:22

bodies, what we allow our

13:24

bodies to experience sexually,

13:27

what we allow ourselves to ask for, all

13:30

of these things are influenced by

13:33

our shame loads, whether visible or

13:35

not to us. And

13:38

this is why it is so essential to

13:40

be in this process of shame slaying. So

13:43

with food, with sex, with our

13:46

body expressions, all of

13:48

these kind of daily ways we

13:50

are living with and through our

13:52

bodies, we can start noticing how

13:54

we make decisions and what we allow ourselves

13:57

and start being vigilant for the end of

13:59

the day. influences of

14:01

shame, of messages that you

14:04

know you don't belong, you're not good enough,

14:06

or that you're wrong for wanting the thing

14:08

you want. Right, within

14:10

all of us there may be things that we

14:12

want that we actually don't pursue so that we

14:14

don't have to feel shame, so that

14:16

we don't have to feel uncomfortable

14:18

because we're stepping outside of what

14:21

is conforming. So it's like shame

14:23

avoidance. Yeah, we prevent doing a

14:25

lot of things so that we

14:27

don't feel shame. Yeah,

14:30

what do we avoid, right? And this goes

14:32

down to like things like wardrobe choice.

14:35

What do we force ourselves to do

14:37

or not do? Or not ask for

14:40

prostate massage when we really want it,

14:42

right? There's... take it there, sure. I

14:44

mean, right, and like to go to the sexual, right? Because

14:46

we can linger in food and clothing choices

14:48

and all these daily things, but when

14:51

it comes to our sex lives, there

14:53

are whole arenas that

14:56

we don't even open the door or

14:58

window to and peek inside and consider

15:00

because of the

15:03

cultural shame. For

15:05

so many people, kink,

15:08

genderplay, and even

15:11

things like choosing not to have

15:13

sex or not date for a

15:15

while, to remain solo, to not

15:17

become a parent. All of these

15:20

kind of social sexual decisions are

15:22

guided by what we have been

15:24

taught is right and wrong and what

15:26

we are taught these behaviors mean about

15:28

us, you know? So we've

15:30

been teaching, right? You said prostate massage. We've been

15:33

teaching prostate touch for 20 years and

15:35

we still get emails almost

15:37

every day from people

15:39

saying, I want this

15:41

experience or I've been touching my own butt

15:44

and prostate in masturbation my whole life,

15:46

but I will never ask my wife. And

15:49

so all of that intimacy, all of that

15:52

pleasure, all of that erotic

15:54

experience that is there available to

15:56

them is sealed by this kind

15:58

of like... web

16:00

of shame that assumes what their

16:02

partner will think about it. Right?

16:05

So how do we allow ourselves

16:09

to expand when it is potentially

16:11

so scary when we actually do it?

16:13

Because we've also gotten emails saying

16:16

things like I asked my wife for a

16:18

new thing. And now I am getting a

16:21

divorce. That is

16:23

a real potential cost is

16:25

the loss of social connection.

16:28

When we come out. Queers

16:30

know a lot about this. Trans people

16:32

know a lot about this. What is

16:35

the cost of being authentically who you

16:37

are? But also what is

16:39

the cost of not being who you are? And

16:42

there is an edge there that all

16:44

of us ride. And

16:46

one of the remedies for this, one

16:49

of the major tenants of the

16:51

shame slaying approach

16:54

to shame is that

16:56

it is a social endeavor.

16:58

We do it together. And

17:01

part of the self care

17:03

strategy as you're coming out

17:05

is finding fearless belonging, seeking

17:07

out community, putting yourself in

17:10

places where people affirm the

17:12

shit out of you. Pride

17:14

Month is coming up. It is a

17:16

five weekend pride this year. And

17:19

I am watching my calendar swell

17:21

into May and

17:24

beyond with events that are

17:26

all about pride affirming one

17:29

another, celebration of diversity, allowing

17:32

plurality, allowing self

17:34

expression. Go to

17:36

a pride event. And one of the joys

17:38

I have in dating straight cis men is

17:41

bringing them into the queer world

17:43

and watching their minds be blown

17:46

with a sense of permission and

17:48

joyousness and togetherness that queers do

17:50

so well at our best.

17:53

And they find more belonging.

17:56

They after lifetimes of being conditioned

17:58

as a straight, this man

18:00

finally get to be more

18:03

of who they are within the

18:05

embrace of queer community. We're

18:07

about to go to a kink convention

18:10

for four days of leatherdyke paradise. And

18:13

this is a site of glorification. It's

18:15

a place where we can both be

18:17

even more fully who we are. And

18:20

in that process, we will confront shame as

18:22

we did last year when we went. But

18:25

on the other side, we will be a little more free. And

18:28

this is what I mean, that you feel

18:30

like you don't have shame in certain areas

18:32

of life. And then you

18:35

notice that there is some that shows up.

18:37

And if we just accept

18:40

that it is a lifelong process, that

18:42

different shames will come up at different

18:44

points and get

18:46

used to that, get comfortable with that. And all we

18:49

have to do then is work with it and see

18:51

what we can release. It is really

18:53

like the onion layers and more just comes

18:55

up and comes off. We

18:57

get freer and freer. And

19:00

the big Brene Brown quote about shame, right, is

19:02

if you put shame in a petri dish and

19:05

douse it with empathy, it cannot exist.

19:07

In the shame slayers talk, I

19:10

kind of make the joke, right, of how do we get the

19:12

shame in the petri dish to start with

19:14

and then where do we get the empathy from

19:16

to douse it with? And so

19:18

we answer this question in the talk

19:21

and give you very specific strategies of

19:24

how we can confront

19:26

and slay shame together. I'm

19:29

a big Bussy the Vampire Slayer fan and when

19:31

I think slay, I think of us all

19:33

having appropriate weapons to

19:35

slay our demons and to

19:38

attack that shame again and

19:40

again and again because

19:42

it comes up this way and

19:45

we aren't alone in the

19:47

dark with our own shame. It's

19:50

so important to remember you don't have to

19:52

slay just your own shame. And

19:55

in fact, sometimes it's easier to

19:57

give your buddies an assist, right, like just like.

20:00

Buffy had her group of friends and she

20:02

didn't slay the demons all by herself. We

20:05

all do this together and one of

20:07

the most powerful ways to slay shame

20:10

is to slay other people's shame narratives

20:12

as you hear them. To

20:15

slay shame-based jokes as

20:17

you experience it with your

20:19

friend group. To interrupt

20:21

stories of body hierarchies and

20:23

judging. And this

20:25

is around us all the time

20:27

and so there's lots of opportunities

20:29

to slay shame in action. Dick

20:33

jokes are one of the best,

20:35

most ripe fields for plucking because

20:38

they're everywhere and even people who

20:40

call themselves sex positive and

20:42

kinky and all these things will

20:44

make dick jokes and it's not

20:47

okay. Meaning especially small

20:49

dick jokes and making that mean something.

20:52

Or even like you know big dick jokes too.

20:54

All dick jokes. All dick jokes. Jokes

20:56

about compensation. Jokes about dicks

20:58

being ugly. Jokes about men

21:01

being pigs. Jokes that like men

21:03

get picked on so I'm sorry I'm

21:05

gonna defend my men right now. But

21:08

we think we know what shame looks like

21:10

and we have these very rigid cultural assumptions

21:12

of what shame how shame operates

21:15

but it's actually so insidious and

21:18

we do it to the people we love

21:20

the most. Like one person after the talk

21:22

this week wrote to us and

21:24

shared this story of the first time his

21:27

wife saw his dick she laughed about

21:29

how small it is and

21:31

she still continues to mock him over

21:33

the size of his penis and

21:35

he's like brings big toys to bed

21:37

he tries to fulfill what he calls

21:39

her size queen once and

21:42

he is doing his best to work with

21:44

what he's got right? But

21:46

that hurt of being mocked and

21:48

being degraded and being told you're

21:50

not enough for just

21:52

who you are is

21:54

painful for all of us and

21:57

the more we do it like the more we

21:59

are on shame inside. And

22:01

that's not where we want to be. We

22:03

want to be shame slayers. We want to

22:05

get one another more and more free of

22:07

this. So we can express

22:10

ourselves more fully, be in our

22:12

power, be in our authenticity, and

22:14

love one another for the glorious

22:16

individuals we are. Right?

22:19

And you know, with the

22:21

people I love, like as I watch

22:23

shame sloth off of

22:26

us, that was really hard to say, but

22:28

that's sometimes how it feels like we get

22:30

these sticky webs, these accumulations,

22:34

these debris of shame, like we

22:36

really can exfoliate it the fuck

22:38

off of ourselves. I

22:40

watch people I love become more

22:42

of who they are. And

22:45

in that joyous expression, there

22:47

is so much beauty and

22:49

opportunity to contribute

22:51

who we are to this world. Right? So

22:55

on the other side of shame is

22:57

so much freedom, so much

22:59

joy, so much more, there's

23:01

an unwinding of an

23:03

internal tension that is priceless.

23:06

That is priceless. And we can

23:09

all seek sights of fearless

23:11

belonging. And for me, that's

23:13

like, you know, a queer kinky dance

23:15

club. But for you, it might be

23:17

knitting circle, where you can just really

23:19

relax in and do your knitting and

23:21

talk to people as you are in

23:23

that rhythmic process of knitting. And

23:25

you might find beautiful sense of

23:28

belonging there. Especially

23:30

maybe if you're a man knitter and have never

23:32

knitted with other people before. Because

23:34

you were told as a boy not to do that.

23:36

I was just talking to one of my favorite queer

23:38

DJs about his journey.

23:42

And he as a boy dancer experienced

23:45

so much shaming of him, and

23:47

would talk to other boy dancers as they came

23:49

in to get dance clothes from his shop in

23:52

tears, right? Because they loved this

23:54

thing. They love dancing. But they were teased

23:56

for it. They were bullied for it. Or

23:58

they were told something about themselves. that weren't

24:00

true like oh if you dance you must be a fag like

24:02

what if you're not a fag you

24:07

know his motto became just keep dancing

24:09

right like we have to be who we are

24:12

in this world and fearlessly

24:14

seek out communities and belonging

24:16

it is there and ready

24:18

for all of us we

24:22

just have to get through

24:24

enough shame layers that we can show

24:26

up for it in

24:28

the trans community we just lost an

24:30

elder Cecilia who worked in a trans

24:32

clinic for many many years and

24:35

the stories that poured out were

24:38

consistently that when you walked in she said I'm

24:40

so glad you're here we're going to take care

24:42

of you right and what

24:44

would it feel like to walk in a

24:46

door where you felt that

24:49

feeling of we're so glad you're here

24:51

we're going to take care of you you're home now welcome

24:54

home right we all need to

24:56

be welcomed back home into

24:59

belonging shameless

25:02

belonging fearless belonging of

25:04

our full selves and this is

25:06

what shame slayers is all about and

25:08

we invite you in to the free talk it's a

25:10

25 minute video presentation

25:14

we are very proud of it and we

25:16

want to offer it to you for free

25:18

come on over to

25:21

pleasuremechanics.com your

25:23

first month is free you can watch

25:26

the shame slayers talk the erotic touch

25:28

activation is there our

25:30

bonus resource on Emily Nagoski's new

25:32

book Come Together if you've been

25:34

reading that and want our bonus

25:36

resource on emotional floor plans to

25:39

find your pathways towards lust that's

25:41

there waiting for you and

25:44

you'll find shame slayers and the survey and

25:46

all of the resources to go along with

25:48

it so you can step into your shame

25:50

slaying power yes I'm

25:53

crew I'm Charlotte we are

25:55

the pleasure mechanic wishing you a

25:58

lifetime of pleasure cheers