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Smart, hilarious, groundbreaking, and

0:40

absolutely in love with the power of stories.

0:43

That is the indie publisher McSweeney's all

0:46

over. They turned 25 recently, and

0:48

we at Selected Shorts threw them a party. Stick

0:51

around, there's cake and hard-boiled eggs and

0:54

a Disney vacation. Seriously.

0:56

I'm Meg Wolitzer. Stay with me.

1:17

You're listening to Selected Shorts, where

1:19

our greatest actors transport us through the

1:21

magic of fiction, one short story

1:23

at a time.

1:25

Since its founding in 1998, the

1:27

indie publisher McSweeney's has had an incredibly

1:30

clear sensibility.

1:31

Led by the writer Dave Eggers, McSweeney's

1:34

meant clever, funny, playful, weird, and

1:36

literary writing that was more than a little biting.

1:40

Even during its earliest days in the late 90s with

1:42

regular contributors like Michael Schaben and Zadie Smith,

1:45

it always felt like the sort of club

1:48

that would be fun to be a part of. In the intervening

1:50

years, McSweeney's

1:52

has produced an incredible body of literary journals

1:55

that are art objects as much as they are story

1:58

collections.

1:59

has published works by authors from James

2:02

Haneham to Lydia Davis, made

2:04

nonfiction magazines including The Believer

2:07

and Lucky Peach. And their sister organization 826

2:09

National is a non-profit

2:12

that assists kids with their writing skills.

2:15

And online, the McSweeney's Internet

2:17

Tendency has released on a daily basis

2:20

hilarious satire and absurd rants

2:22

that we often can't air on the radio.

2:24

If you're curious, Google Decorative

2:27

Gourds Season and all will become clear

2:29

to you. In 2023 McSweeney's turned 25 years

2:31

old and we at Selected Shorts thought

2:36

it was more than fitting to celebrate. We

2:38

collected a number of stories we love from the 70

2:41

plus issues of their journals and invited

2:43

a cast of McSweeney's admirers to

2:46

read them live at Symphony Space in

2:48

New York.

2:49

In the next hour, you'll hear performances

2:51

from that night from some writers you probably

2:54

know and others you might not.

2:56

I've been a fan of McSweeney's for a long time.

2:59

You know those videos of people unboxing

3:01

their devices? I don't know how that became

3:03

a thing, but I feel like maybe I should make

3:06

a video of myself opening the latest

3:08

offering from

3:08

McSweeney's. Whatever they put

3:11

out tends to be witty, unexpected,

3:13

and original. And in that video, my face

3:15

would express sheer delight.

3:18

The host of our live show, the actor and

3:20

writer John Hodgman, has been a part

3:22

of McSweeney's since very early in its existence.

3:25

Hodgman is the author of books including Vacation

3:28

Land and Medallion Status, the

3:30

host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast,

3:33

and has appeared in series such as Poker Face.

3:36

But in the early aughts, he was a columnist

3:38

for McSweeney's online portal under

3:40

the guise of a deranged former professional

3:43

literary agent.

3:44

It all began when Hodgman was accidentally

3:46

forwarded an email from Dave Eggers looking

3:49

for submissions.

3:51

He was calling for fiction, yes,

3:53

but also reportage, humor,

3:56

magazine stories that had been rejected elsewhere,

3:59

short stories

3:59

that had never been finished. I

4:02

had a lot of those. So

4:04

I sent him one of those and Dave responded

4:06

almost immediately saying,

4:08

how did you get this email address? He

4:14

did not publish that story, but he

4:16

encouraged me to write a letter for the

4:18

first issue and then to write for the website,

4:20

an advice column from the point of view of

4:23

a slightly deranged former professional

4:25

literary agent, which indeed

4:27

I had become.

4:29

I quit my job mostly

4:31

to write for McSweeney's,

4:33

not for money. For

4:36

money I wrote about cheese for men's journal, but

4:39

you

4:42

could get away with that at the time. But

4:44

Dave and his colleagues encouraged me and

4:46

so many right from the start to not

4:48

just do the jobs that we could manage to

4:51

get, but

4:52

to create the work that we had

4:54

to do for some unknown impulse,

4:56

such as whatever

4:59

my job is, whatever I happen to do. And

5:01

I'm proud to do it here tonight on

5:03

the occasion of McSweeney's 25th anniversary.

5:12

That was a friend of McSweeney's, John Hodgman,

5:14

on stage at Symphony Space. Our

5:18

first story is by Nathan Englander.

5:20

He's an author, translator, playwright,

5:23

and teacher whose titles include What

5:25

We Talk About When We Talk About Anne Frank

5:27

and his latest novel, Kadish.com.

5:30

This piece was commissioned for an issue of the

5:32

McSweeney's Journal comprising modern-day

5:34

fables. This one touches on motherhood,

5:37

fibs, and that one little thing you just

5:39

can't resist.

5:41

Performing this story is comic, storyteller,

5:43

and writer Ophira Eisenberg. Her

5:46

most recent album of stand-up is titled

5:48

Plant-Based Jokes, but radio

5:50

fans may know her best as the former host

5:52

of NPR's game show Ask Me

5:54

Another. And now Ophira Eisenberg

5:57

reads Poor Little Egg Boy Hatched

5:59

in a Shoe.

5:59

by Nathan Englander. Applause

6:11

Poor little egg boy hatched in

6:13

a shul. Meryl Galerner

6:15

was peeling eggs at the kitchen sink

6:18

of the Hempelbrew Synagogue when she

6:20

peeled an egg that was her son.

6:22

She peeled off the shell to reveal a face

6:24

sticking out from the white, two arms

6:27

sticking out from the sides, two legs

6:29

poking out from the place where legs

6:31

go. She turned off the water and

6:33

set the boy down on the floor.

6:36

On the floor, Meryl's son was suddenly

6:38

kid-sized, kid-sized

6:40

but a perfect egg boy. Meryl

6:43

thought in admiring her son and then

6:45

admiring his white that this

6:48

would be a perfect hard-boiled

6:50

egg costume, just the way

6:52

you'd want to make it

6:53

if it weren't, in fact, real.

6:56

Perfect except for the part of the white

6:58

that was torn. She'd have

7:00

been more careful in cracking the shell and peeling

7:02

it back if she'd known her

7:04

son was inside. As

7:07

for the very noticeable, very exceptional

7:09

change from egg-sized boy to boy-sized

7:12

egg, she'd have thought it strange, if

7:14

not for what it preceded it, if

7:16

she hadn't just peeled an egg that was her son.

7:19

And, of course, if there had been a rash of such happenings

7:22

in Hempelbrew of late, there

7:24

was peach girl and banana boy

7:26

and a lobster, not really human,

7:29

though it screamed upon boiling in

7:31

French.

7:32

Meryl crossed her arms and said, An

7:35

egg boy, well, I'll be. And

7:38

then she locked up the synagogue and

7:40

took her son home. Now Meryl hadn't planned

7:42

for this. She had an urgent errand

7:45

to run. But

7:46

egg or no, a mother cannot leave

7:48

a little boy unattended. It's irresponsible,

7:51

which is why Meryl Galerntur fetched

7:53

her other child, her older child,

7:56

from the neighbors across the way.

7:58

Meryl left her egg son in her daughter's car.

8:00

care. All she said to her daughter was,

8:02

watch him. Then she turned back and

8:04

added, don't eat him.

8:07

The problem for the egg boy was

8:09

this. Like many little boys, he

8:12

really loved egg whites. He

8:14

had no feeling for yolks, but the white,

8:17

there was nothing better. While

8:19

he was waiting with his sister, he just

8:21

couldn't resist. It looked so tasty.

8:24

He was already torn. He reached

8:26

up and taking hold of the broken part,

8:29

pulled off a perfect strip.

8:32

Like a egg slicer

8:34

slice, a single round, and

8:37

he ate it. The egg boy ate

8:40

himself, which he kind of

8:42

felt even in the moment, must be

8:44

wrong. When his mother returned and

8:46

saw the missing strip, she was very mad

8:48

at her daughter for eating her son. She

8:51

expressly told her not

8:53

to. The daughter protested her innocence,

8:55

but her mother wouldn't hear it. What kind

8:58

of little boy would eat himself? She wanted

9:00

to know. Little brothers,

9:02

the daughter said. Do worse.

9:05

The egg boy didn't say a word. He

9:07

said nothing then and went on saying

9:09

nothing, even when his father got home.

9:12

It was to his father that the

9:14

egg boy's mother declared, look what

9:17

she's done. She's half eaten

9:19

our son. We can't trust her daughter

9:21

anymore.

9:22

The egg boy's father thought

9:25

she should sleep in the basement behind

9:27

a locked door. His mother said no.

9:29

His father thought they could. Maybe

9:32

just for that evening, keep her in their closet

9:34

and nail the whole thing shut. Again,

9:37

Meryl said no. It was not safe

9:39

to have a daughter who doesn't listen

9:41

under the same roof as their son.

9:44

Meryl Gellertur took her daughter

9:46

across the street and gave her to

9:48

the neighbors to raise. The

9:50

poor little egg boy did not open his mouth at

9:52

dinner that night for fear the truth

9:54

would escape. He said nothing at breakfast

9:57

the next morning when his father let out a

9:59

terrible.

9:59

sigh. The

10:02

Eggboy soldiered on that way for

10:04

a number of days, always telling himself

10:06

that not saying was different

10:09

than lying.

10:10

When his closed mouth hunger became

10:12

too great and his sister-based

10:14

guilt too strong, when finally

10:17

the Eggboy wanted to set the record straight,

10:19

he assembled his family, waving

10:21

his sister over to the window, ready

10:24

to tell them the truth. The Eggboy

10:26

was proud to be doing what

10:29

was right,

10:30

but what's right and when

10:33

it's right can be two different things. The

10:35

Eggboy opened his mouth and discovered he'd

10:38

waited too long.

10:39

Ready to talk, there were no

10:42

words left. His tongue had

10:44

turned to bacon.

10:59

That was Ophira Eisenberg with Nathan

11:01

Englander's modern-day fable, poor

11:03

little Eggboy hatched in a shul.

11:06

Right now you're probably saying to yourself,

11:09

oh no, not another story in which a character's

11:11

tongue turns into bacon. Didn't that

11:13

happen recently in a George Saunders story and

11:15

also in something by Alice Monroe?

11:18

Why no, it certainly did not. Nathan

11:21

Englander has a monopoly on tempting breakfast

11:23

food-related body parts in fiction.

11:26

Next up, a selected shorts favorite

11:28

who has unsurprisingly been in demand

11:30

at McSweeney's too.

11:32

Israeli writer Edgar Carrot

11:34

is the imaginative mind behind short story

11:36

collections including Fly Already and

11:39

Suddenly a Knock on the Door, as well

11:41

as the memoir The Seven Good Years.

11:44

Most of Carrot stories have a wild conceit

11:46

to them, though this one is fairly naturalistic.

11:48

It's no less rich in character or comic

11:51

detail.

11:52

Performing it is Andy Richter, an actor

11:54

and comedian who is known for as many years on

11:57

Conan and Late Night with Conan O'Brien,

11:59

as well as film.

11:59

such as Semi-Pro. And now,

12:02

Richter reads Crumb Cake by Edgar

12:04

Carrot. applause

12:18

Crumb Cake. For

12:21

my 50th birthday, Mom takes me to Fat

12:23

Charlie's diner for lunch. I want to

12:25

order a pancake tower with maple syrup and

12:27

whipped cream, but Mom asks me to order something

12:29

healthier.

12:30

It's my birthday, I insist. My 50th birthday.

12:34

Let me order the pancakes. Just this

12:36

once instead of cake. But

12:38

I already baked you a cake, Mom

12:40

grumbles. A crumb cake, your favorite.

12:43

If you let me eat the pancakes, I won't even taste

12:46

the cake, I promise. After thinking

12:48

for a minute, she says grudgingly,

12:50

I'll let you eat pancakes and cake

12:52

too. Just this once only because today's

12:54

your birthday. Fat

12:56

Charlie brings me the pancake tower with a lit

12:58

sparkler on top. He sings

13:01

happy birthday in a hoarse voice, waiting for Mom

13:03

to join in, but all she does is shoot the

13:05

pancake tower an angry glance.

13:07

So I sing with him instead. How

13:10

old are you? Charlie asks. Fifty,

13:13

I say. Fifty years old

13:15

and still celebrating with your Mom. He

13:17

gives an appreciative whistle and goes on, I

13:20

envy you, Mrs. Pykoff. My daughter

13:22

is half his age, and she hasn't wanted

13:24

to celebrate her birthday with us for ages we're

13:27

too old for.

13:28

What does your daughter do, Mom asks, without

13:30

taking her eyes off the pile of pancakes on

13:33

my plate? I don't exactly

13:35

know, Charlie admits. Something in high tech.

13:39

My son is fat and unemployed,

13:42

Mom says in a half whisper. So

13:45

don't be so quick to envy me. Uh,

13:49

he's not fat, Charlie mumbles, trying

13:51

to smile. Compared to Charlie,

13:53

I'm really not fat. And

13:55

I'm not an unemployed eater, I add, my

13:57

mouth full of pancakes. Sweet.

13:59

Mom says, organizing my

14:02

pills in a box for $2 a day does not

14:04

qualify as a job.

14:07

Congratulations, Charlie says to

14:09

me. Hearty appetite and congratulations

14:12

and back slowly away from our table

14:15

as if he were retreating from a growling dog.

14:18

When mom goes to the restroom, Charlie

14:20

comes back. I want

14:22

you to know that you're doing a really

14:24

good deed by living with your mom and everything.

14:27

After my father died, my mother lived

14:29

alone. You should have seen her. She burned out faster

14:31

than the sparkler on your pancakes. Your

14:33

mother can gripe till tomorrow, but you're

14:35

keeping her alive and that is a good deed

14:38

right out of the good book.

14:40

Honor thy father and thy mother.

14:42

How are the pancakes? Fantastic,

14:45

I say. It's too bad I can't come here more

14:47

often. If you're in the neighborhood,

14:50

you're always welcome to drop in, Charlie

14:52

says and winks at me. I'll be glad

14:54

to give you more for your charge. I

14:57

don't know what to say, so I just smile and nod.

14:59

Really, Charlie says, it would make me happy.

15:01

My daughter hasn't eaten my pancakes for years. She's

15:04

always on a diet.

15:06

I'll come, I tell Charlie. I promise. Great,

15:08

Charlie says, nodding, and I promise

15:11

not to say a word about it to your mother. Scouts

15:13

honor.

15:15

On the way home, we stop at 7-11 and

15:17

mom says that because it's my birthday, I

15:19

can choose one thing as a present. I

15:22

want a bubblegum flavored energy drink, but mom

15:24

says I've had enough sugar for the day,

15:27

so I asked her to buy me a lottery ticket.

15:29

But she says that on principle, she

15:32

is against gambling because it teaches people

15:34

to be passive and instead of doing something

15:36

to change their destiny, all they do is

15:38

sit on their fat behinds and wait for luck to save

15:40

them.

15:42

You know what the chances are of winning the lottery,

15:44

she asks. One in a million, even

15:47

less. Just think about it. We have a better chance

15:49

of being killed in a car accident on the way home

15:51

than you do of winning.

15:54

After a brief silence, she adds,

15:56

but if you insist, I'll buy it for you. I

15:59

insist, and she... buys it for me. I

16:01

fold the lottery ticket twice, once along

16:04

the width and once along the length, and

16:06

I shove it into the small front pocket of my

16:08

jeans.

16:10

My dad died in a car accident on the way

16:12

home a long time ago when I was still in my mother's

16:15

womb. So go figure.

16:18

At night I want to watch the basketball game. The

16:21

Warriors are really good this year. That

16:23

Curry is so hot on the three-point shots, I

16:25

never saw anything like it. He shoots without

16:27

even looking at the basket and the balls drop

16:29

into the hoop one after the other. Mom

16:32

won't let me. She says she read

16:35

in TV Guide that there's a special about the

16:37

poorest places in the world on National Geographic.

16:41

Can't

16:41

you skip it for me, I ask. After

16:43

all, today's my birthday. But

16:46

mom insists that my birthday started yesterday

16:48

and ended at sunset so now it's just

16:50

a regular day. While

16:53

mom watches the program, I go into the kitchen

16:55

and organize her pills in the box. She

16:58

takes more than 30 pills a day, 10 in

17:00

the morning and 20 something at night. Pills

17:02

for blood pressure, cholesterol, her heart,

17:04

thyroid. So many pills that just

17:07

swallowing them makes you full. Really,

17:09

I don't think there's a disease in the world that

17:11

she doesn't have, except for AIDS maybe,

17:13

lupus. After I

17:15

finish organizing the pills in the box, I

17:18

sit down next to her on the couch and watch the

17:20

program with her. There's

17:22

a show on a humpback kid who lives in the

17:24

poorest neighborhood in Calcutta. At

17:27

night before he goes to sleep, his

17:29

parents tie him with a rope so he'll

17:32

sleep bent over. That

17:34

way, the narrator explains, his hump

17:36

will get bigger and when he grows

17:38

up, it'll make people feel really sorry

17:41

for him

17:42

and give him a strong advantage in the tough competition

17:44

with other beggars in the city. I'm

17:48

not someone who cries a lot, but

17:50

that kid's story is really sad. You

17:54

want me to switch to basketball, mom asks

17:56

in a soft voice and ruffles my hair. No.

18:00

I say, wiping my tears with my sleeve and smiling

18:02

at her. This is an interesting

18:04

program. It really

18:06

is an interesting program. I'm

18:09

sorry I said mean things about you in the diner,

18:12

she says. You're a good boy. It's

18:15

OK, I say, and kiss her on the cheek. It

18:17

didn't bother me at all. The

18:20

next morning, I go to the eye doctor with Mom.

18:23

He shows her a chart with letters on it and asks

18:25

her to read them out loud.

18:26

She shouts the letters she can see and

18:29

insists on guessing the ones that she doesn't as

18:31

if a lucky guess will help cure her.

18:33

The doctor adds another pill to

18:35

her collection to be taken once a day for the

18:37

glaucoma. After the doctor,

18:39

we go to Walgreens to buy the new pill. And

18:42

so I won't forget, I add it to the box

18:44

in the compartment for the night pills as soon as

18:46

we get home.

18:47

Then I change into my tracksuit, take

18:50

my basketball, and go out to the children's

18:52

court. I'm not a great player,

18:55

but if the kids there are young enough, they're

18:57

sure I'm a god. A

18:59

few years ago, I had a run-in with a red-headed

19:02

mother with tattoos who got stressed because

19:04

I was playing with her son. The

19:06

minute she saw me on the court with him, she told me in

19:08

a really loud voice that I shouldn't dare touch

19:10

him. I explained

19:12

to her, according to the rules of basketball,

19:15

you're allowed to touch your opponent when you're

19:17

guarding him. And she had nothing to worry

19:20

about. I knew I was bigger and stronger

19:22

than her cute little son. And anyway, even

19:25

when I'm guarding, I do it carefully.

19:28

But she, instead of listening, just

19:30

got even angrier. And don't you dare

19:33

call my son cute, you pervert. She

19:35

screamed and threw her paper cup of coffee

19:37

right in my face. Luckily,

19:40

the coffee was lukewarm, but still it stained

19:42

my clothes. After

19:45

that incident, I didn't go back there for

19:47

a few months. But then the playoffs

19:49

started, and when you see good games, it makes

19:51

you want to play too. I

19:53

didn't want to go back there because I was afraid

19:55

the redhead with the tattoos would still be there

19:58

and start screaming again. So.

19:59

Instead, I asked mom if we could buy

20:02

a basket of our own and hang it in the yard.

20:05

That was the first time I told mom about what

20:07

happened on the basketball court. And she

20:10

got very quiet the way

20:12

she always does when she's really mad. And

20:16

she told me to put on my tracksuit and take

20:18

my basketball, and we left

20:20

the house.

20:21

On the way to the court, she told me that all

20:24

the parents of the children who play with me there

20:26

should thank me, because there aren't many grownups

20:28

in the world who still have enough gentleness and

20:30

goodness in them to play like I do

20:32

with children and teach them things.

20:35

Sweetie, she said, her voice cracking,

20:38

when we get to the court, if you see that stupid

20:40

tattooed monkey again, would you

20:42

tell me OK? I

20:44

nodded, but in my heart, I was praying

20:46

that the tattooed redhead wouldn't be there, because

20:48

I knew that even though mom is old, she could easily

20:51

smash that woman's head with a cane.

20:53

When we reached

20:55

the court, mom sat down on a bench and checked out

20:57

all the other parents, like a bodyguard, trying

20:59

to spot an assassin. At

21:01

first, I had an empty half court to myself and

21:03

just dribbled and shot baskets alone. But

21:06

very quickly, the kids on the other half of the court asked

21:08

me to join them, because they were missing a player.

21:11

At the end of the game, when I made the winning basket,

21:14

I looked over at mom, who was still sitting

21:16

on the bench pretending to be reading something on

21:18

her cell phone,

21:20

and I knew she'd seen everything and was proud. Now,

21:24

when I reach the court, there are no kids

21:26

there, and I just take some lazy shots that

21:28

miss the basket. But after about 15 minutes,

21:31

I get bored.

21:33

That Charlie's diner is barely a five-minute

21:35

walk away. And when I get there, it's

21:38

almost empty, and Charlie is really glad

21:40

to see me. Hey, hoop star,

21:42

he says. Were you playing basketball?

21:44

I shrug and tell him that there was no one on the court.

21:47

Ah, it's still early, he says and winks at me. But

21:49

by the time you finish the mountain of pancakes

21:52

that I'm going to make you, there will definitely be

21:54

a few people there.

21:55

Charlie's pancakes are really fantastic.

21:58

When I finish eating, I thank him. and ask

22:00

again if he's sure it's okay for me to eat there without

22:03

pain. Whenever you want, Hoopstar,

22:05

he says, the pleasure is all mine. And

22:08

you won't tell my mom about the pancakes, right? I

22:10

ask him before I leave. Don't worry,

22:13

Charlie laughs and pats his big stomach. Your

22:15

secret is buried deep in my pot

22:17

belly.

22:20

The big lottery drawing takes place on Saturday

22:22

nights. Mom reminds me about it

22:24

right after she takes her pills. Are

22:27

you in suspense? She asks. I

22:29

shrug.

22:30

She tells me again that my chance of winning

22:33

is less than one in a million. And then asks

22:35

me what I would do if I happened to win.

22:38

I shrug again and I say, I would

22:40

definitely send some of the money to that humpback kid

22:42

we saw on TV. Mom laughs

22:45

and says, that film was made more than ten years ago and

22:48

it's very possible that the humpback kid is

22:50

now a humpback grownup and he's begged so

22:52

much that he doesn't need favors from anyone. Or maybe

22:55

he died from one of those diseases those people get because

22:57

they don't wash their hands.

23:00

Never mind the children from the National Geographic, she says,

23:03

and ruffles my hair the way I like her to. What

23:06

would you want for yourself? I

23:09

shrug again because I really don't know. If you

23:12

win, you'll probably move to a big place

23:14

of your own and buy a season ticket to sit in

23:16

the VIP box for all the Warriors

23:18

games and hire a stupid Filipina

23:21

to organize my medications instead of

23:23

you, Mom says, giving me a

23:26

not very happy smile.

23:28

I actually like organizing Mom's pills

23:30

for her. It relaxes me. I

23:33

don't like going to games, I say. Remember

23:36

when we went to visit Uncle Larry in Oakland and

23:38

he took me to a game? We stood in line

23:40

for almost an hour and the ushers at

23:42

the entrance yelled at everyone who went

23:44

inside.

23:46

Then no season ticket, Mom says. So

23:49

what do you think you'd buy? Maybe

23:51

a TV for my room, I say, but a really

23:53

big one, not like the one we have in the living room. Sweetie,

23:57

Mom says, the first prize is $6.

24:00

$63 million. If you win,

24:03

you'll have to think of something else besides a large

24:05

screen TV. This

24:08

is my first time ever watching a lottery

24:10

draw. There's a kind of transparent

24:12

machine full of ping pong balls, and each ball

24:14

has a number on it. The woman

24:16

operating the machine is blonde and she smiles

24:19

nervously the whole time. Mom

24:21

says that her bust isn't real, and you can

24:24

see right away that she's had Botox injections

24:26

because nothing on her forehead moves.

24:29

Then mom says she has to go to the bathroom. This

24:32

year she's developed a serious problem with her

24:34

bladder, and that's why she has to go to the bathroom every

24:36

half hour. Good luck, sweetie.

24:39

If you see you've won while I'm peeing, give a yell and

24:41

I'll run out with my underpants down, she

24:43

says with a laugh and gives me a kiss before

24:45

she gets up from the couch. But don't yell

24:47

for no reason. You hear me? You remember what

24:49

the doctor said about my heart.

24:52

The blonde with the nervous smile presses a button

24:54

that turns on the machine.

24:56

I look at her forehead. Mom's right. Nothing

24:59

moves there. The first ball that drops

25:02

out of the machine has the number 46 on it,

25:04

which is the number of our house. The

25:07

second one has the number 30, which

25:10

is the age mom was when dad died and

25:12

I was born. The third

25:14

ball has the number 33, which

25:16

is the number of pills mom took every day before

25:18

she got the prescription for the glaucoma pill.

25:21

And the fourth ball has the number

25:24

one, which is the number of sparklers

25:26

Charlie lit on my pancake tower.

25:30

It's weird how all the numbers the blonde

25:33

with the frozen forehead chooses are

25:35

connected to my life and mom's and

25:37

how all those numbers are written on my

25:39

ticket. I

25:42

don't even check the last two numbers. I

25:44

just keep thinking about what would make a woman

25:47

inject herself with stuff that paralyzes

25:49

her forehead and

25:50

how sad it would be if mom

25:53

and I had to live in separate houses instead of together.

25:57

When mom comes back to the couch, I'm

25:59

already. watching the sports channel, but she insists

26:02

that we switch to Fox because it's time for the

26:04

evening news broadcast. The

26:06

newscasters talk about a suicide bombing

26:08

in Pakistan that killed 67 people. They

26:12

don't mention the name of the city where the bombing happened,

26:15

and I just hope it isn't Calcutta. Mom

26:17

explains to me that Calcutta is in India and

26:19

Pakistan is a different country, even

26:22

worse than India. The things that

26:24

people do to each other, she says, as she

26:26

gets up and starts walking slowly toward the kitchen,

26:29

terror attacks on TV always make her hungry.

26:33

Mom asks if I want her to make us some scrambled

26:35

eggs, and I tell her I'm hungry, but not for eggs.

26:38

Want the last slice of crumb cake I baked for

26:40

your birthday? She calls from the kitchen. You'll

26:43

let me eat something sweet, even though it's nighttime

26:45

already, I ask? Usually she's

26:47

very strict about things like that. Today's

26:50

a special day, she says. Today is the

26:52

day that you didn't win the lottery. You deserve

26:54

a consolation prize for that.

26:57

Why are you so sure I didn't win? I ask. Because

27:00

I didn't hear you yell like you promised, she laughs.

27:03

Well, even if I screamed, you wouldn't have heard. You're

27:05

half deaf, I say, smiling back at her.

27:08

Half deaf and half dead, Mom says

27:10

with a nod as she puts the last slice of cake

27:12

on the table before me. But

27:15

tell me the truth, sweetie. Do you

27:17

know anyone else in the whole wide

27:19

world who can make a crumb cake as delicious

27:22

as mine?

27:27

Thank you.

27:31

That was Andy Richter with Edgar Carrot's

27:33

story, Crumb Cake.

27:35

So just keep in mind, if you think that $63

27:37

million is going to improve your life, your

27:40

mother's crumb cake is something that cannot

27:42

be improved upon.

27:44

When we return, the world's best advice

27:46

from the world's strongest man. I'm

27:49

Meg Wolitzer.

27:50

You're listening to Selected Shorts, recorded

27:52

live in performance at Symphony Space in New

27:54

York City and at other venues nationwide.

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limitation. Stopped into rewards.

29:31

Welcome back.

29:32

This is Selected Shorts, where our greatest

29:34

actors transport us through the magic of fiction,

29:37

one short story at a time. I'm Meg Wolitzer.

29:40

In this hour, we're going down a literary

29:42

rabbit hole with the indie publisher McSweenies.

29:46

Subscribe to McSweenies Quarterly and use

29:48

the code SELECTED to receive 15% off

29:50

four issues of groundbreaking,

29:53

heart-stopping, original writing in

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unforgettable packaging delivered straight

29:58

to your mailbox.

29:59

won't want to miss McSweeney's first ever

30:02

horror issue edited by horror maestro

30:04

Bryan Evanson, the manifesto

30:06

issue featuring explosive new and

30:08

rediscovered manifestos, and

30:11

McSweeney's special 25th anniversary

30:13

edition, which will come in a lunchbox

30:16

with Art by Art Spiegelman.

30:18

The final story of our McSweeney celebration

30:20

is by Ernie Wong. The Wong story

30:23

was chosen as one of PEN America's best

30:25

short stories of 2018.

30:27

Performing it is BD Wong, a selected

30:29

shorts regular who won a Tony for his iconic

30:32

performance in M. Butterfly and

30:34

appears in series including Aquafina

30:36

is Nora from Queens. Here's BD

30:39

Wong with Stay Brave, My Hercules

30:41

by Ernie Wong.

30:56

Stay brave, my Hercules. There's

31:01

a tug on my skirt. I

31:03

look down. Hi

31:06

there young fella, I say. Hercules,

31:10

he says. I

31:12

nod. I

31:14

have a question, he says. Go

31:17

on then young man. Hercules,

31:20

he says. How do I become

31:22

strong like you? I look

31:25

at his parents. They beam

31:27

at their son and smile like they

31:29

already know. We're

31:32

at the corner of Frontierland and Fantasyland.

31:36

From a distance, I hear screams

31:38

at the top of Splash Mountain and Calliope

31:41

music from the riverboat making its way downstream.

31:44

The smells of buttered popcorn

31:46

and fried churros wafting through the muggy

31:48

afternoon air remind me that I'm

31:50

hungry and that I'll be done with this

31:52

shift soon. In

31:54

the far corner, I see Buzz and Woody ham

31:57

it up for a large Chinese tour group. Cameras

31:59

click. and the tourists point and shout

32:01

furiously at the men Chinese. Buzz

32:04

and Woody take it in stride and swivel randomly

32:07

and wave enthusiastically and do this

32:10

jiggy kind of dance. Today

32:13

Zach is Buzz. He's

32:15

a good dude.

32:17

He sees me and without turning from the tourists

32:19

he lowers his arm and

32:21

flips me the middle finger. I

32:24

kneel down and clasp

32:27

the kids hands. He stands straight and

32:29

puffs out his chest. I

32:31

no longer have to think back to the script. I

32:34

got this shit on lock. All

32:36

of Disney's 18 Hercules's have nicknames

32:38

for each other. Mine is Babyface

32:41

Hercules. There's

32:43

also Douchebag Hercules,

32:46

NASCAR Hercules, the

32:48

high school twins Juicehead Hercules and Jailbait

32:50

Hercules, Born Again

32:53

Hercules, and everybody's

32:55

favorite Grandpa Hercules. Grandpa

32:58

Hercules is literally a grandpa

33:00

and between shifts he brings out photos

33:03

of his granddaughters in the break room and

33:05

we tell them they're beautiful

33:07

because we love him.

33:10

Then one of the Jasmine's or Snow White's

33:12

helps him reapply his makeup because he

33:15

needs a shit ton. I've

33:17

been Hercules ever since I dropped out of college to be

33:19

with Jay. I would have come

33:21

back even if he wasn't sick but

33:24

the night he called and matter

33:26

of factly explained that it had spread

33:28

to his lymph nodes and his testicles and brain.

33:30

I immediately packed

33:32

a backpack and left the Michigan snow and drove

33:35

straight to Florida. Jay

33:38

is 30 years older than me. He

33:40

had warned me when we first met that

33:43

something like this might happen. Bodies

33:46

break down over time he had said.

33:49

On the drive back I replayed

33:51

his last words on the phone. I

33:54

am

33:55

statistically unlikely to make it

33:57

to the end of the year but the standard

33:59

deviations large as you might expect, Jeremy.

34:02

Jay always talks like that. He's an actuary,

34:06

which surprises nobody.

34:08

When I pulled into his driveway that

34:10

morning in yet another torrential

34:12

Orlando rainstorm, my fuel tank

34:14

empty and my eyes bleary and my breath-reaking

34:17

of gas station coffee, he walked

34:19

out onto the driveway, his glasses fogged

34:21

and dripping, his robe pressing into his

34:23

gaunt frame as it absorbed the rain.

34:26

He looked at me as if he was

34:28

struggling for words. And

34:30

then he said, you just drove a little

34:32

over 1200 miles,

34:34

which by my calculations puts your

34:37

average speed at.

34:38

I flung myself onto him and

34:40

kissed him. Not

34:43

fast enough, I said, as

34:47

I pulled him

34:49

back into the house.

34:51

I'm starving. Let's grub. I said

34:53

later as we lay in his bed and

34:56

I'm done with this long distance shit.

34:58

I said, and I told my parents I'm moving in with

35:00

you and

35:03

that you're not doing well.

35:05

He just kind of shook his head and looked sad.

35:09

The first thing I did after I moved in with Jay

35:12

was look for a job.

35:14

Aladdin and a Gaston and Donald Duck

35:16

train at my gym.

35:21

And one day we were all talking

35:23

by the water fountain and they said they might be able to

35:25

help. Things kind of snowballed and the

35:27

next thing I knew I was at Disney employment headquarters

35:29

getting my head measured and my chest waxed under

35:32

the watchful, glowering scrutiny

35:34

of the casting director. I

35:37

got over myself and threw all

35:40

my chips into this job. I

35:42

mean, it's not awful.

35:44

And at night after Jay falls asleep,

35:46

I hop online and look for other jobs

35:48

like I promised him I'd do. I

35:50

get to the park an hour before my shift

35:52

and they tell me where I need to be at

35:54

and at what time and anything I need to be

35:57

aware of. And then I get in line with the other cast members

35:59

for makeup.

35:59

I go to the locker room and change into costume.

36:02

The casting director sometimes examines me.

36:05

She calls it quality control and

36:08

checks me off on a clipboard. Then

36:10

I mount the door, squinting

36:12

under the Disney sun.

36:15

For the next three hours, I smile and

36:18

hug and flex. Oh,

36:22

and the best part is that I

36:24

get to drop wisdom bombs on adoring crowds,

36:27

even though my answers are limited to what's

36:29

on script. Be strong

36:32

and be brave. I say, listen

36:34

to your parents.

36:36

They're not half bad. During

36:40

orientation, the casting director handed me a thick

36:42

binder filled with scripts to memorize,

36:45

so I'd know how to stay in character for every

36:48

conceivable situation. Every

36:50

catastrophe here is called a situation.

36:54

And every single one is covered.

36:57

If lightning strikes and fries a sixth grade

36:59

class, there's a section on what Hercules

37:01

would do. When

37:04

a soccer mom tries to kiss me on the lips, I'm

37:07

supposed to pretend to play hard to get and

37:09

then try to distract her by shoving my muscles

37:11

in her face. Hercules can be such

37:13

a tease. Then

37:15

when her husband tries to pick a fight with me, I'm

37:18

supposed to pretend that we're actually

37:20

play fighting and then I'm supposed to run

37:22

and get the hell out of there. Hercules

37:25

can be a bitch. When

37:28

a kid's being a jackass and asks

37:30

a dumb question, this part I actually like. I'm

37:33

supposed to twist his question into

37:35

one that's more family-friendly,

37:36

and then from there I'll give

37:39

one of my stock answers. In the end,

37:41

it's all about staying on script

37:43

and running and evading.

37:46

I'm a born natural at that.

37:49

The boy and his parents stare at me expectantly. Hercules, the boy repeats,

37:53

how do I become strong like you? I'm

37:58

hungry and it's my mother.

37:59

I break soon, and

38:01

the scent of those churros is slaying me, but

38:03

this kid is adorable.

38:05

So I squeeze his

38:07

hands and gaze into his wide

38:10

eyes, young man. What's

38:12

your name? He takes a

38:14

deep breath and shouts, Garin!

38:18

Young Garin,

38:20

I want you to be strong.

38:21

I want you to be brave, and I want

38:24

you to listen to your parents. Do

38:27

you understand? Garin

38:30

swivels and looks at his parents, who

38:32

look this close to combusting

38:34

with pride. They reach for

38:36

each other's hands and nod and

38:38

mow the words, I understand

38:41

Hercules, at him. Garin

38:44

focuses attention back toward me.

38:46

He puffs his chest out again, and he

38:49

shouts, dad wears mom's dresses

38:51

and makeup like you do.

38:57

When

39:00

he sees me with my mouth agape,

39:03

he attempts to clarify, but

39:06

only when mom's not home, he says.

39:09

I know the absolute worst thing I can

39:11

do in this moment is to look at Garin's

39:14

parents, but that's what I do. Their

39:17

hands are clasped, and their smiles remain

39:20

flastered, but nothing registers

39:22

in their eyes. It's like four vapid orbs

39:25

gatewaying into an abyss. Then

39:27

she shoves away his hand and turns

39:29

to look at him, and it's like I can already see her

39:31

about to say, honey, is that true?

39:33

And I can already imagine him struggling

39:35

to come up with some way to respond, and then

39:38

I'm like, nah, it's fool, it's so boned.

39:41

And in this moment, the only thing running

39:43

through my mind is I'll be

39:46

damned. That binder doesn't cover

39:48

everything

39:49

after all. They

39:54

don't pay us enough for this shit, Zach says.

39:57

Zach and I are slumped in our chairs in the break room. We're

39:59

still in college. costume.

40:01

In the far corner, Annabelle

40:03

is having lunch with her daughter. In

40:06

the past, as Ariel, Annabelle

40:08

was legendary for how she connected

40:10

with the kids. There would be a line

40:13

of children with their parents snaking

40:15

around the corner patiently waiting to hug

40:17

her and tell her about school

40:20

and their pets. And she would smile

40:22

with delight and say, tell me more.

40:25

Then Annabelle had her

40:27

daughter. When she returned

40:29

from maternity leave, she had put

40:32

on a little weight. They

40:34

gave her an ultimatum. Take

40:37

a new job as a fully covered

40:39

Mickey or leave.

40:43

Her Mickey headpiece sits on the table as

40:45

her daughter cries and says she doesn't like to be left

40:47

in employee childcare. I'm so

40:50

sorry, sweetie.

40:51

Annabelle says she looks exhausted.

40:55

So what did you say to that train wreck family?

40:57

Zach asks.

40:59

I shrug.

41:00

Garin's mom had marched toward

41:02

us and was about to yank Garin

41:04

away when I stood and gently held her hand. Ma'am,

41:07

I said quietly. She tried to shake my hand

41:09

off. Her back and shoulders were as rigid

41:11

as a springboard. Just

41:13

let us go, she said and her shoulders

41:16

slumped and I saw

41:18

tears begin to well around her squinting

41:20

eyes. I nodded. Can I just say

41:23

something real quick to Garin?

41:25

I asked. She hesitated

41:29

and then she tightly nodded. I knelt

41:32

down and grabbed Garin's hands once again. He

41:34

looked confused as

41:37

if he might cry too. I leaned

41:39

forward and I spoke directly into

41:41

his ear. Young man,

41:43

I said, and he whispered

41:46

a tiny yes back. Hercules

41:50

wants you to know. I said

41:53

that no

41:55

matter what happens, your

41:57

mom and dad love you very much. Okay?

42:02

He nodded. So I want

42:04

you to be brave, and I

42:06

want you to be strong, and I want you to

42:08

listen to everything they tell you. Okay?

42:13

He nodded again. And

42:15

now, I whispered, Hercules

42:19

wants you to go give your mom and dad a

42:22

big hug. Can

42:25

you do that for Hercules? He

42:29

nodded one last time, and

42:34

he ran to his mom and hugged her tight, and

42:36

he ran to his dad,

42:38

who had been standing unsurely in the background.

42:42

Then they were gone,

42:44

and my shift was about over, so I stood and

42:48

walked back to the break room. I

42:52

think for a moment, I

42:55

guess I stayed on script. I

42:57

tell Zach. He stares. I

43:00

mean, the script's

43:02

not half bad,

43:03

I say, and he nods and

43:06

loses interest.

43:08

Jay looks up from his spreadsheets when I

43:10

come home that night. His company lets him work

43:12

from home, so most nights I find him

43:14

surrounded by reams of paper. He

43:17

doesn't let the cancer stop him from putting in

43:19

a full workday, so he's meticulous

43:21

about tracking his hours.

43:24

How was your day? He asks.

43:26

Total shit show, I say. This

43:29

woman found out her husband is a cross-dresser, and

43:32

their son is probably going to blame himself for the next ten years.

43:35

So,

43:37

just another Disney day. He

43:40

says, yep, how

43:42

was yours?

43:44

He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes

43:48

before he reaches for a

43:50

stack of papers and pointedly

43:52

lifts one. Jeremy, he

43:54

says, we

43:57

need to talk inheritance and insurance.

44:01

I've run some initial calculations

44:03

and the projections indicate I tune

44:07

out when he begins to use big words

44:09

but he gets more animated

44:11

as he picks up steam on his findings and he's

44:15

sexy as fuck as he insistently taps

44:17

his paper with his pen but I can't sit still

44:20

so I strip off my shirt

44:22

and I straddle him. He stops

44:24

talking. Ah,

44:28

he says.

44:29

Let's talk about your impending death some

44:32

other time I say.

44:35

Later I step out of the shower and find

44:37

Jay curled up on the sofa. His glasses

44:40

off kilter are hooked onto one ear

44:42

and hanging on his forehead over wisps of his fine

44:44

hair.

44:45

He snores lightly. I

44:47

stare at his face. You

44:50

know when he's awake he always looks as

44:52

if he's worried about something. Probably

44:55

because he is. Worried about me probably. He

44:59

likely has months left and the only

45:01

thing he seems to have on his mind is whether I'll

45:03

be okay after he's gone. It's

45:06

only when he's asleep that he looks relaxed. He

45:09

snorts

45:10

and traces of a thin smile

45:13

begin to form. I

45:15

wonder what he's dreaming about

45:17

and that makes me smile.

45:20

I was back home with Jay for a summer break

45:22

when we first learned about the cancer but

45:25

well by then we had been together for

45:27

two years.

45:29

The prognosis was bright then and Jay

45:31

was adamant that I returned to college. I'll

45:34

be cured before you come back he said.

45:38

That night, meaning to get out

45:40

of the house we went to PF Chang's. Are

45:43

we celebrating anything special tonight? Our

45:45

server asked. Just our

45:49

health. Jay said gently. Oh

45:52

that's very sweet. The server

45:54

said smiling. She

45:56

studied us and she said well.

46:00

You two look as healthy as it's my

46:02

birthday. I cut her off

46:05

Her mouth curved into an O and

46:08

she said she'd give us a minute to look at the menu Jay

46:11

turned and gave me his look

46:14

what? Health doesn't get

46:16

you free cake at PF Chang's I said I Suppose

46:20

that's true. He said We

46:22

were subdued for most of the dinner It

46:24

was toward the end after dessert that

46:27

I could no longer hold back. What

46:30

if things go wrong? I blurted out

46:32

I Was reeling from

46:34

too many Apple martinis Jeremy. He said

46:36

do you realize statistically? How

46:39

many standard deviations off we need

46:41

to be to see the treatment fail I?

46:44

Said nothing It's a little

46:46

under three. He said express numerically

46:49

that equates to okay, okay

46:51

Hey He reached for

46:53

my hand and nodded

46:55

I'm gonna be fine Jeremy You

46:58

have to trust me and you have

47:00

to trust in the numbers. I Relented

47:05

in the darkened room the candle flickered over

47:07

his creases and reflected tiny

47:10

orange flames and both lenses of his glasses

47:14

He's all lit up in fire I thought and

47:17

I believed But

47:23

I should never have left him Everybody's

47:29

in a shitty mood in the park today

47:31

This happens sometimes some days with no

47:34

reasonable explanation Foul

47:36

moons spread and take over entire sections

47:39

of the park like a contagion by

47:41

mid-morning under the already wilting

47:43

Sun Tempers flare within families

47:45

and in groups of middle school friends

47:48

Tomorrow's space Mountain dome standing

47:50

glumly in the backdrop This

47:53

includes Cody the eight-year-old

47:56

bald-headed make a wish kid

47:59

who's sitting in his wheelchair with his arms

48:01

crossed. He glares

48:03

as his parents stand helplessly to

48:06

his side and as the swath of media

48:08

photographers fumble with the cameras

48:10

draped around their necks and do not take

48:12

photos. Cody's mom approaches

48:14

him and places her hand on his frail

48:17

shoulder.

48:18

Honey, she says, is

48:23

there anything we can do to make you happy?

48:27

I want to go home, he says, and

48:30

the Make-A-Wish and Disney Public Relations people

48:32

wins in unison. But,

48:35

sweetie, she says, isn't

48:39

this what you wanted to do more than anything

48:41

in the world? What changed?

48:44

Disneyland sucks! He

48:46

shouts, and I see two photographers

48:49

quietly pack their cameras back into

48:52

their cases. Dad

48:54

is starting to unravel and I see him

48:56

approach Cody with his fists clenched.

49:00

Before I realize what I'm doing, I find myself

49:02

standing between Cody and his dad,

49:04

my face lit up and smiles.

49:07

I motion subtly at his dad before

49:09

I kneel down and face Cody. Hi

49:12

there, young man. Your

49:13

name is Cody, right? Cody

49:15

stares at my biceps with wide eyes.

49:18

My physique generally has that effect on

49:20

most boys who regularly worship Marvel superheroes.

49:24

And I can imagine, tragically,

49:26

that the effect is greater on

49:28

a kid as sick as Cody. He nods

49:32

and looks at my eyes shyly.

49:36

Young man, I say, I

49:40

hear you on your discomfort. It's

49:42

too hot and it's too crowded

49:45

and everybody's in a bad mood.

49:47

He nods emphatically. So tell

49:49

me, I say, if you

49:52

could do anything right now, what would

49:54

it be?

49:55

His face brightens. Video games!

49:58

He says, not in

50:00

complete agreement. I say, Hercules

50:03

loves video games. What's

50:05

your favorite?

50:07

And he shuts Minecraft. And

50:09

I silently sigh in relief. That's like

50:11

the one game I have knowledge of. That's

50:15

Hercules's favorite game, I

50:17

say. And he looks as though he might jump

50:19

out of his wheelchair and hug me.

50:22

What are you working on right now? I ask. And

50:24

Cody smiles and closes his eyes for several

50:26

moments as though he had transported himself

50:29

out of Disney and into his Minecraft

50:31

world. When he opens his eyes, they are

50:33

shining. I found a way that I

50:35

can fly forever, he says. I

50:37

say, Hercules

50:39

wants to hear all

50:41

about this. The photographers

50:43

take their cameras back out of their cases.

50:46

And as the cameraman begin to record from

50:48

a distance, ho Cody explains

50:51

to me in a feverish pitch and with

50:53

two animated hands, the mechanics and

50:55

items he acquires before he sprints and

50:57

dives off a cliff and launches himself higher

51:00

and higher into an infinite horizon,

51:02

eventually so high, in fact, he explains, that

51:04

the game stops rendering his image and

51:07

he disappears entirely from the screen.

51:09

That is

51:11

very high, I agree.

51:13

But Cody, I say, if you fly

51:16

beyond the horizon and disappear,

51:18

won't you miss your parents? It's

51:22

just a game, Hercules. Touché.

51:28

Hercules? Yes, Cody.

51:32

I'm dying, you know, he

51:35

says. From

51:37

the corner of my eyes, I sneak

51:39

a peek at Cody's parents. They

51:42

stare intently at their son. I

51:46

know, I say. Hercules?

51:50

Yes, Cody. Will

51:53

you come to my home and play Minecraft with me? I

51:58

say nothing. So

52:00

we can fly forever? he

52:02

says Look into

52:05

his eyes And

52:07

I can see that he is bracing for the inevitable.

52:10

No I Have

52:14

an even better idea I tell

52:16

him as I begin to smile he

52:18

looks up Peter

52:21

Pan's flight is a short walk from here. Have

52:24

you been on the right? He shakes his head Hercules

52:27

promises you I say that

52:29

riding that ride feels just

52:31

like fly

52:33

How about we take that flight together

52:35

just you and me? He

52:38

considers this for a moment before he says

52:40

a quiet Okay, I Turned

52:44

to his parents for permission, but they already

52:46

look like they might throttle me with gratitude.

52:49

So I stand

52:51

And take Cody's hand as his mom pushes

52:53

his wheelchair Behind us the photographers

52:56

and media and public relations team quietly

52:58

follow

53:00

and the crowd ahead Splits to

53:02

make room when they see the procession But

53:06

I have eyes and ears and

53:08

heart for only Cody Script

53:10

be damned he has me eating

53:12

out of his hands as he patiently explains

53:15

Master-level tips on how to rule

53:17

over Minecraft domain a

53:21

Photo of me kneeling and Clasping

53:23

a smiling Cody's hands makes the front page

53:25

of the local newspaper the next morning along

53:27

with the caption Local hero captures

53:30

the hearts of boy and Disney community

53:33

Over breakfast Jay lowers

53:35

the paper and raises his eyebrows You

53:40

sure work hard for $9 an hour He

53:44

says They should promote

53:46

me to management. I say crossly

53:48

I couldn't sleep last night or

53:51

At least a playing guest on now. That's

53:53

a real man Jay

53:55

says as he dodges the cheerio. I

53:57

flick at him. He returns to the paper and

53:59

I I get ready to leave for work. The

54:02

Orlando roads are slick with rain this morning,

54:04

and the traffic is heavy. I've always

54:06

wondered why they chose to build the

54:08

happiest place on Earth in practically the wettest

54:11

city in the country. I

54:13

like it when it rains, though.

54:15

I stare past the windshield wipers, sweeping

54:17

frenetically to keep my vision unobscured.

54:21

Outside is a sea of gray with

54:24

every gust of wind, sheets of

54:26

rain shimmer, trees shudder.

54:31

I hear the approaching wail of sirens.

54:35

I pull over and stare at the ambulance as

54:38

it passes by,

54:40

and then turns at the intersection

54:45

in the opposite direction from home. I

54:50

remain parked by the curb. The

54:53

sirens fade until I hear only the rain

54:55

pelting the roof of the car and the furious beating

54:57

of my heart.

55:00

I rest my eyes and feel

55:03

the heat radiate through

55:05

my closed eyelids. Yesterday,

55:11

on Peter Pan's flight,

55:13

while waving a very temporary goodbye

55:15

to Cody's parents and the media folk, I

55:18

helped Cody step on board the suspended galleon

55:20

that served as our flying ship.

55:22

We settled into our seats and

55:25

launched high into a dark London

55:27

night. We flew over Tower Bridge

55:30

and Big Bend before rising to clouds

55:32

of wispy white fluff swaying under

55:34

giant whirring fans made invisible

55:37

behind the cloaks of night sky.

55:40

Below, a sea of tiny

55:42

golden lights, villages

55:44

of homes, shining kerosene

55:46

lanterns twinkled and pulsed as

55:49

if the constellations lay not above us

55:51

but below.

55:54

I looked at Cody. His face

55:56

was spellbound as we glided

55:58

and swooped over Mount mountain peaks

56:00

and into the heart of Neverland.

56:03

At one point, our galleon dramatically lifted

56:05

high into the sky to escape the wrath of

56:08

an enormous crocodile. Cody

56:10

whooped and wrapped his arms around me. I

56:12

squeezed his shoulder and pointed down at the crocodile

56:14

who now held Captain Hook in the clutches

56:17

of his jaws.

56:19

As the galleon emerged through the exit that

56:21

led to the disembarking zone and to Cody's parents

56:24

welcoming us back,

56:26

Cody sighed

56:27

and rested his head on my shoulder.

56:30

How'd that feel, Cody? I said,

56:32

was that just like flying or

56:35

what?

56:36

He sighed again and embraced me and

56:39

said, that was way better than Minecraft.

56:44

I squeezed him tight before I stood and helped

56:47

him off the galleon and into his

56:49

waiting wheelchair.

56:50

After insisting to Cody's parents that

56:53

it was not a big deal and posing

56:55

for a final round of photos, I said my goodbyes

56:59

and jogged back to my post in Tomorrowland.

57:02

As

57:04

I navigated between the throngs

57:06

of people making their way to their next attraction,

57:09

I imagined that it had

57:12

been Jay and me flying on the galleon. Jay

57:16

being Jay would peer

57:19

over the ledge at the city below

57:21

and he'd squint and point out, the

57:23

placement of Big Ben seems off. It

57:27

should be over there. I

57:29

tell him to shut up and enjoy the ride.

57:31

He would remain silent for a moment and

57:34

then he'd look up toward the ceiling and say, the

57:37

engineering in this facility is

57:39

really quite remarkable. If you

57:41

stop and consider shut up,

57:44

I would say

57:45

again.

57:47

I close my eyes and shiver when the cold

57:50

air blew over my ears. In the distance

57:52

I'd hear Peter Pan and Hook's swords whirl

57:55

and clang in battle as the darling kids

57:57

cheered and whistled.

57:59

would turn to me and pause and

58:02

caulk his head and

58:04

he'd say, is everything okay, Jeremy?

58:08

And I'd grip the ledge so

58:10

hard that pain would shoot up my

58:12

wrists, but he wouldn't see that and I'd smile

58:15

and say, yeah, just hungry.

58:19

Let's get a turkey leg after this.

58:22

And for the rest of the ride,

58:25

we would remain quiet,

58:27

our galleon propelling us above

58:29

a dark ocean

58:31

and gliding toward the exit,

58:34

where sunlight would peek in from around the corner

58:37

and the cast members,

58:39

board shitless, would

58:42

remind us to watch our step on

58:44

our way out. BD

58:57

Wong, everyone.

59:02

That was Stay Brave, My Hercules by Ernie

59:04

Wong, performed by BD Wong.

59:07

If you're a kid and you go to a theme park,

59:09

you want the characters to be exactly who they

59:11

seem to be. But if you're an adult,

59:14

maybe you're always trying to look behind the costume,

59:16

hoping you might triumphantly notice a whiff

59:18

of tobacco on the breath of Minnie Mouse or

59:21

hear Donald Duck curse on a cell phone during

59:23

his 15-minute break. This story

59:26

movingly lets us look out at the world from

59:28

behind

59:29

one brave man's costume. Our

59:32

McSweeney's night would not have been a true variety

59:34

show without a bit of music. Stephen

59:37

Merritt composes music for films, writes

59:39

musicals and records with many bands, though

59:42

he's probably most recognizable as

59:44

the mastermind behind the magnetic fields. Here's

59:47

Merritt onstage at Symphony Space.

1:00:01

Smile, no

1:00:05

one cares how you feel

1:00:10

Be vicious, vain

1:00:12

and vile Everything's

1:00:17

yours to steal

1:00:19

if you'll just smile

1:00:24

Have you no dignity?

1:00:29

Have you no sense of

1:00:32

style? You'll

1:00:35

never be pretty

1:00:38

until you smile

1:00:51

Smile, no

1:00:54

one cares how you feel

1:00:59

There's a world to

1:01:02

beguile You

1:01:05

can make this world

1:01:07

kneel if you'll just

1:01:11

smile Always

1:01:14

the best disguise

1:01:19

A license to

1:01:21

defile Everyone

1:01:25

you despise

1:01:27

will die so

1:01:30

smile

1:01:49

That was Stephen Merritt's singing, Smile,

1:01:52

No One Cares How You Feel, by his band,

1:01:54

The Gothic Arches. And with

1:01:56

that gleefully wicked little tune, we conclude

1:01:59

our celebration. of McSweeney's 25th

1:02:01

year in publishing.

1:02:03

May the playfulness, determination, and

1:02:05

spirit of community on display in McSweeney's

1:02:08

enterprises help inspire and

1:02:10

entertain us in the next quarter century

1:02:12

too.

1:02:13

I'm Meg Wolitzer. Thanks for joining me

1:02:15

for Selected Shorts.

1:02:24

Selected Shorts is produced by Jennifer

1:02:26

Brennan. Our literary team is Matthew

1:02:28

Love, Drew Richardson, and Vivian

1:02:30

Woodward. Our director of marketing is

1:02:32

Mary Shimpkin. Our radio producers

1:02:35

are Sarah Montague and Jenny Falcon. The

1:02:38

readings are recorded by Miles B. Smith.

1:02:41

Our programs presented at the Getty Center

1:02:43

in Los Angeles are recorded by Phil

1:02:45

Richards. Our mix engineer

1:02:47

for this episode was Jennifer Nelson.

1:02:50

Our theme music is David Peterson's

1:02:52

That's the Deal,

1:02:53

performed by the Dierdorf Peterson Group.

1:02:56

Selected Shorts is

1:02:58

supported by the Dungannon Foundation creator

1:03:00

of the Ray Award for the Shorts story. Support

1:03:04

is also provided by the Howard Gilman Foundation,

1:03:07

the Shubert Foundation, the Macmillan

1:03:09

Family Foundation, the Blanchett Hooker

1:03:11

Rockefeller Fund, the Akelles and Bodman

1:03:13

Foundation, the Henry Nias Foundation,

1:03:16

the Sharina Endowment Fund, the Fan

1:03:19

Fox and Leslie R. Samuels Foundation,

1:03:21

the Michael Tuck Foundation, the Vida

1:03:24

Foundation, the Axe Houghton Foundation,

1:03:26

and the Grodzins Fund.

1:03:28

Selected Shorts is also made possible

1:03:30

with public funds from the New York State Council

1:03:32

on the Arts with the support of Governor

1:03:35

Kathy Hochul and the New York State Legislature.

1:03:38

Additional support is provided by the Isaiah

1:03:40

Shaffer Fund

1:03:41

for new initiatives. Symphony

1:03:43

Space thanks our generous supporters, including

1:03:46

our board of directors, producer circle,

1:03:48

and members who make our programs possible

1:03:51

with their annual

1:03:51

support. Selected Shorts

1:03:53

is produced and distributed by Symphony

1:03:55

Space.

1:04:07

Time for a quick break to talk about McDonald's. Wake

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one time per day or per person or any other

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limitation. Must

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opt into rewards.