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3:01

hear from Susan. Can't But

3:03

before that a story by

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3:08

aired on the podcast in

3:10

January of Twenty Third Team.

3:12

Here's Dave. Now with the

3:14

story we call. By.

3:17

Me: Growing. Up I always

3:19

thought my whole life really I thought I

3:21

had a really good understanding and appreciation of

3:23

death like some and get sick or they

3:25

get older, they get hit by a bus

3:28

or they get act soundly thrown in a

3:30

burlap sack and zone over the side of

3:32

a bone the mill and I had or

3:34

whatever and their dad like that's it might

3:37

have both sides of that says lives you

3:39

know and and then they're be of a

3:41

few known a week interception like it when

3:43

than thou because unlike it's to spawn time

3:46

as victory lap you know after of hopefully.

3:48

Nice, long and nice and you know lies

3:50

and like you know as a kid I

3:52

what's my, you know my grants mice in

3:54

our great grandparent or someone would someone die

3:57

and I'm like oh cool like when he

3:59

announced sandwiches. Take his view trail

4:01

like I may have been like

4:03

to accepting of south now size

4:05

think about it. but. Many.

4:07

We want. A couple years ago my

4:10

mom died and it was like a

4:12

whole different story. like awesome as a

4:14

glow like wow loses his if no

4:16

one had ever died before in the

4:19

history of time and like the very

4:21

concept of death didn't even exist I

4:23

disconnect can wrap my head around the

4:25

fact that she she died like a

4:28

Minnesotan, not even within the grief level.

4:30

I was just like it didn't computer

4:32

like it to make any sense because

4:34

definitely alas copper least two or three

4:37

times I. Saw my mom suis

4:39

you guys who is so dad

4:41

likes I touch direct history in

4:43

our area as in choose to

4:45

like said that as lady you

4:47

could ever imagine says so attack

4:50

like could not be debated super

4:52

dad lady but I could not

4:54

stupid just couldn't wrap my head

4:56

on it's so I decided to

4:58

tell myself that you know she

5:00

just moved. And. As as

5:02

like that makes more sense to me like

5:05

she does move like in the more than

5:07

I like my mom you know had a

5:09

nice long life and she lived in Cleveland

5:11

the whole time said sites in as well

5:13

as an arrest just pick up and moves

5:16

like Paris Paramus wherever we want to go

5:18

like just get out of town for a

5:20

little bit. But then I thought about like

5:22

and as I call my mom as they

5:24

are really nice ladies you injustice pick up

5:27

and move in the middle and I unlikely

5:29

hollers stuff behind and leave. My dad saw

5:31

the house chores. And worst of all make

5:33

it so like a can borrow money,

5:35

adverbs or anything. like there's no way

5:37

she would do this. South's of answer

5:39

add up to six set like I

5:41

guess I guess is in everyone's saying

5:44

she's dead. I guess I'll just go

5:46

with that. Don't miss his dad. And

5:49

my mom was an Irish Catholic. Ladies

5:51

of course like to super religious and

5:53

I know see believed in an afterlife.

5:55

I can think she's like pretty much

5:57

counting on and I know opinion there

5:59

are a on that but I was

6:01

like for her sake like a know

6:03

shoe on and an afterlife So six

6:06

when she gets an afterlife she says

6:08

act as for my mom is she's

6:10

in the afterlife and then when said

6:12

thought I was like whoa. In.

6:14

I jumped to the next logical conclusion

6:16

that she could definitely see me all

6:18

the time was no matter what I

6:20

this and as soon as you start

6:23

thinking like thousand my mom can see

6:25

meets answer to my god I do

6:27

so much fucked up stuff like pretty

6:29

much everything I do is so fucked

6:31

up all the time and then I

6:33

had to lay down some ground rules.

6:35

My mom as a mom you can

6:37

you know check him out every saying

6:39

like know he can call him a

6:41

bath or most itemized obvious stuff that

6:43

goes on and. They're like the gross

6:45

stuff like I have so many Moisturizer

6:47

isn't just like in Paris, just stuff

6:50

straight men should not have. Like I'm

6:52

on my own. that woman does not

6:54

need to know about that. And then

6:56

I live in a studio apartment select

6:58

my bed takes up like half the

7:00

place and I'm like or it So

7:02

as I'm in bed can. Can

7:05

be seeing that like northern lights.

7:08

And hang in and bang a minute

7:10

to arrive at do fine and Israel.

7:12

Ah. But

7:14

you know that canal oh my boxers

7:16

awesome know nice. This is weird ass

7:18

hang and just up. My mom's enough

7:21

to see the out and then the

7:23

wrestling farmers pretty much my desk and

7:25

doesn't my computer is so now you

7:27

can do you know when I'm on

7:29

my computer mom you wouldn't understand their

7:32

research that I do says are you

7:34

can. Hear

7:36

located? know bathroom? Know bad. No

7:38

no no whenever I'm I'm a desperate leaves

7:40

they she can see me like. Putting

7:43

on my shoes and like making spaghetti

7:45

and next us adorable don't get me

7:48

wrong but like I feel like my

7:50

mom's deserve more than that. South was

7:52

Sykes is us to sing another family

7:54

frustrated about after a she died and

7:56

then you know to she's gone and

7:58

but my dad is. The around so as

8:00

soon as my mom have gone as after really

8:03

make the most of my time with my dad

8:05

like i can spend thing i miss my mom

8:07

that i can spend time my dad so i'm

8:09

like really trying to of the any on hang

8:11

out with him. And so you

8:13

know we usually just hang out and and

8:15

drink coffee a serious and things and and

8:18

shot and then we'll go out to eat

8:20

like when my mom was live at always

8:22

be like to one one got a check

8:24

let's just as to stay home or boil

8:27

something but my dad like i can just

8:29

be like let's caught him his. arms

8:32

he was he doesn't swear is a

8:34

gentleman but our anyway so we'd go

8:37

out in my whole life when we

8:39

got to eat like it would never.

8:42

Be. Like have never been concerned that

8:44

I would actually pay for any of

8:46

it but somewhere along the line assume

8:48

the mom got sick with cancer couple

8:50

years ago. Right around then we regard

8:52

to eat and you know like in

8:54

my twenties I started a do we

8:57

like reach for your wall at night

8:59

we liked where I like on my

9:01

dad are lots adorable like you are

9:03

that might actually like I knew I

9:05

had no money but it would like

9:07

us sweet that a tenant's and I

9:09

guess but then I remember we're out

9:11

to dinner and. The check came and I'm

9:13

just sort of let. Ah,

9:15

And do that thing Dad ah and he

9:18

sin and I'd So I took my wallet

9:20

out to Seward Happen and I'm waiting for

9:22

Amd as I've gotten. I got this when

9:24

any dinner and just to test him I

9:26

was like. Let. Me: get

9:28

this one is sick okay and I'm is

9:30

the sky and I'm like totally anything for

9:33

dinner and my when I was just a

9:35

fluke we got again and I pay for

9:37

it again and happens. It isn't over and

9:39

over and I start to worry and I

9:41

call my siblings and. He

9:44

not dad in a man's dying and and

9:46

and he's going broke like he canyon pay

9:48

for chinese food. Now with what's going on

9:51

like is he okay and my notes have

9:53

my brother and his I guess he's fine

9:55

like that. As loaded he could live like

9:57

another. Fifty years. My

10:00

son's I got this is even worse

10:02

than I s and expected like and

10:05

of I go I wrote the only

10:07

reason he could possibly be letting me

10:09

pay for dinner was to like show

10:11

me some sort of respect or something

10:14

like he has like that I've found

10:16

I know you're a grown man who

10:18

can pay for be have changed now

10:20

and I and I was like sounds

10:22

with this is about down I mean

10:25

I need this kind of respects us

10:27

from years so and neither is so

10:29

my mom's. Dad and my dad

10:31

is bleeding me dry. Some like

10:34

ah and here again like really

10:36

depressed in a a nice tie.

10:38

Everything is drinking a lot. zip

10:40

prescriptions, therapy, having a new one

10:42

thing that worked was running and

10:44

it's them most embarrassing. Worse

10:48

as he ran as the fucking

10:50

worst. Cinnamon run here. Now

10:53

is horrible, right? I mean every

10:55

that he is that time than

10:57

it takes. I hate outfits, I

10:59

hate the running par as the

11:01

worse: relaxing laugh so baths, and

11:03

and even worse like the other

11:05

runners when you're running along. And

11:08

nice you from far away and they're like. Are

11:11

both men? Are you like? Right

11:13

on? Connect with youth So and

11:16

we surely as my mom dynamite

11:18

out. Running in Cleveland

11:20

to him from and I think

11:22

you ah. And

11:25

it's freezing on as like running

11:27

so far and like it's getting

11:29

like in it's dead a winter

11:31

and i start to think like

11:33

I can see a movie. The

11:36

peace anymore, like as and my

11:38

beginning like my testicles, and summed

11:40

up in the my body like

11:42

long ago as during the run

11:44

and. Like my

11:46

comments when my penis just as little

11:48

know about cashew like knobs disproving I

11:50

was like ice family get frostbite in

11:53

my purse as I don't want this

11:55

happened enough as to panic them too

11:57

far from home to just turn it

11:59

around. They don't like blessing as as

12:01

you know as I'm running and then

12:04

i start think like who can see

12:06

me like right now like what's going

12:08

on you know or like to relax

12:10

people are suing, people are like looking

12:12

after from window or like cars her

12:15

car with this like mathematical equation like

12:17

how how many be in every thirty

12:19

seconds or second really try to revise

12:21

my genitals and are you know my

12:23

does about survival and said i'm lying

12:26

on. Her to

12:28

really feel that I was busy masturbating,

12:30

running down a main road and class.

12:32

But then it occurred to me like

12:34

the one person that can see all

12:36

as it is was my mother. Fuck

12:38

man you have a tough choice to

12:40

make right now cause you know, like

12:42

where they want you know your soon

12:44

to be masturbating publicly on the streets

12:46

of your home town. Are you a

12:49

minute like our? Be awkward every time

12:51

ago, in the showers, the rest of

12:53

my life or whatever. and like mommy

12:55

though I may have this once. I

12:57

think stuff like to think she said

12:59

yes but. And he misses

13:01

side some the all that I'm.

13:04

In. His big a thing I just

13:06

miss making are you a I sort

13:08

of wish death came with as soon

13:10

as exit interview where you can like

13:13

on the talk of like i'm eyes

13:15

mom my mom to know that everything's

13:17

ok and like I'm not gonna become

13:19

a call girl nus I'm on or

13:22

whatever on you know I just in

13:24

one of the world's my whole life

13:26

I always did all this stuff you

13:28

know, writing and comedy and music and.

13:32

To stick to doesn't guarantee stuff that

13:34

makes parents. Worry name. In

13:36

it like I'm to mom, my mom

13:38

to get in and wants to be

13:40

proud of me And you know I

13:42

spent my whole life specimen. don't live

13:44

testing really don't have much problem you

13:46

know? And I remember when I was

13:48

like sistine. ah. Sneaking.

13:51

Done in the kitchen like in the middle of the night. And

13:54

down to to bake cookies

13:56

and not. And and then

13:58

exit doors at. The night and my

14:01

mom psycho certainly com bust a like

14:03

mean cookies and shoes that known work

14:05

or ah and it was choose just

14:07

like base a huge gimme some cookies

14:09

our tell anyone else in the house

14:11

there's cookies so my car at shut

14:13

the fuck da ah. See

14:15

Achatz and server on and so are sitting

14:18

down and were chatting. Just you know most

14:20

a cookie talk like how good they are.

14:22

like Julia right one or the other than

14:24

house good our like after a while at

14:27

the belittle burn not quite cook that you

14:29

know like coffee. Dot and Centers were

14:31

talking like I realize I'm like holy

14:33

shit like this lady isn't just my

14:35

mom says psycho person and like I

14:38

think we might even be friends like

14:40

and ah assistant so gross on but

14:42

like I you know right things in

14:44

and we the same like wields we

14:46

were. You know we had always been

14:49

censored be friends for life and I

14:51

was like you know, kind of a

14:53

nice realization between Obe for a fifteen

14:55

year olds about horrifying. And

14:58

and last few months my mom's life when

15:00

she was too sick to be at home.

15:03

She's my husband I would go and

15:05

I bring her and like a bag

15:07

of cookies are every day so I

15:09

bring to the as know Tate's cookies.

15:12

The. It's the best cookies you know

15:14

them does of s I only mention and

15:16

the podcast I'm hoping for. Something

15:19

will happen I see no no within

15:21

a vast studies on their ah an

15:23

outside ram and every you know I

15:26

would just let her eat as many

15:28

you know each seat as many as

15:30

we could. They knew no matter how

15:32

six she got interval as long as

15:35

she could eat cookies like she was

15:37

still my mom. Like that still in

15:39

I even asked barely talk of sciences

15:42

nights. Thrown done with the cookies and like

15:44

that's totally herself. You know the doctors the be

15:46

like know you can you know discovered like one

15:48

cookie a day that's cool but I was you

15:51

know I pause it is kinda the cook is

15:53

going to make are sick they can a killer

15:55

and they like a cancer. Or

15:58

just general. Does

16:00

not guy I guess even when you're

16:02

dying you see need to many cookies.

16:04

I disagree so fast. So when are

16:06

we would just eat as many cook

16:08

as as as we kids? And one

16:10

of the last times. A

16:12

nice but it was her as

16:14

nostril with her and and I

16:16

was getting lay in there as

16:18

my family had had gone home

16:20

and as helping her eat or

16:22

her hospital food sick whatever steamed

16:24

bullshit they bring you and then I

16:27

got cocky time and we break

16:29

out the cookies or eating or

16:31

eating these cookies and everything and

16:33

noms. And as were sitting

16:35

there like I'm like sent like enough for

16:37

his tennessee can barely talk this point and

16:40

and i realized like oh my god like

16:42

this is like I've spent my whole life

16:44

the unlike what's your problem mine and she

16:46

get me why she like I was worried

16:49

about when I'm doing and and then i

16:51

hit me on like that like. See

16:54

Nevada? Promise me says I'm proud of me.

16:56

like this is like my own hang up.

16:58

like she doesn't give a fuck. Alexis, what's

17:00

hang on the cookies with me and like

17:02

And then I was like that's what this

17:05

is it. Nice and pretty much about the

17:07

sky. Notably Love and in Cook don't have

17:09

to be good, but on. An

17:13

answer he knows getting Lancers grade

17:15

com gotten everything and says I'll

17:17

put the cookies away and I'm.

17:20

Putting my code on and that I

17:22

look at her and and he and

17:24

i say oh man you know area

17:26

sick me and she says yeah i'm

17:28

sick a you and then dinners sort

17:30

of looks me on that in the

17:32

service, perfect timing than she does smiles

17:34

lot of and says i love you

17:36

and those ended up in a column.

17:38

Plan this in a million years and.

17:42

Anything like that but the cookies that

17:44

neither have been the last thing Chevrolet

17:46

and knows you know those words for

17:49

the last words she. Ever said to

17:51

me and it just enterprise sucks

17:53

sometimes in that's a small me

17:55

and us. Holy

18:01

Shit. Anyway, Cari

18:03

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20:45

So for me, the holidays. And I

20:47

was located were about decorating the

20:50

house. My mother before October was

20:52

even halfway done. she would be

20:54

dragging boxes. Out of the attic so

20:56

that we could start hanging garlands and

20:58

going through the ornaments and getting our

21:01

tree ready. And so by the Halloween

21:03

we were done. And then I said

21:05

the beginning of November running behind her

21:07

and turning off the light said nobody

21:09

in town knew that. The tree was

21:11

already up before Thanksgiving. But

21:14

as pro active as my mother

21:16

was about decorating, she was a

21:18

huge procrastinator. When it came to buying.

21:20

Our. Gifts and so every Christmas Eve

21:23

we would be packed into the

21:25

car first thing in the. Morning

21:27

and my little sister and I would

21:29

be driven to Albany or Macon, Georgia

21:31

of the towns that were closest to

21:33

us that had a mall where my

21:35

mother would send the entire day running

21:37

from store to store frantically. Buying as

21:39

much she could cause Christmas was huge for

21:41

her and she wanted to make sure that

21:44

Christmas Day was super special. Thing

21:46

is though, she never made a lot of

21:48

money and what she did make, she didn't.

21:51

Really managed well. and the panic

21:53

of being there's Christmas Eve trying

21:55

to make sure that the next

21:57

day was the best Christmas ever.

22:00

When maker though Crazy. And sued by

22:02

extravagant Guess without really thinking it through.

22:06

We go home after at the mall had closed and my

22:08

sister and I would say it with her all night and

22:10

help her wrap our guess so that we could open on

22:12

the next morning. And then as

22:14

he's handing them over the next

22:16

day, he says see the buyer's.

22:19

Remorse kind of start to settle

22:21

n I would open a pair of

22:23

Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and her face with

22:25

time to drop at the memory of

22:28

the price. Service and my sister had

22:30

been open the Atari system and oh

22:32

god ceased see it as soon as

22:35

he's handing the gifts south. It

22:37

would start to com with a little

22:39

commentary. Yeah, nice.

22:41

It cost a lot to give

22:44

you the best Christmas ever! Lane.

22:48

I hope that showed Water Latin bombs in

22:50

the holiday spirit next month when I can't

22:52

pay the bill. So

22:54

then by the end of the day as

22:56

excited as the one to be about all.

22:58

These amazing presence we just felt

23:01

city because they had caused mother's

23:03

that financial burden and I started

23:05

to hate Christmas as much as

23:08

I loved it. So says that

23:10

time of year for me and.

23:13

One same moved away to

23:16

college. it. Just got worse because

23:18

on top of the fact that my

23:20

mother was still doing the panicked shopping

23:22

spree right before Christmas and buying too

23:24

much stuff and then regretting it and

23:26

making. Us feel awful about it

23:28

when I left my little home

23:30

town of. It showed Georgia to go

23:32

to system Georgia which is. You've.

23:35

Never heard of that either. It

23:39

was a big step for us. They

23:41

also had a mall and so. From

23:44

there I went to for to

23:46

stay and so I was making

23:48

these little. Time He stared.

23:50

Out and away from my mother

23:52

and. See began to

23:55

see me as a desert or who had

23:57

abandoned the family to tried have some fans,

23:59

the life and the big cities and that

24:01

really kicked and once I was in my

24:04

late twenties and I moved. To New York. And

24:07

I was living in Brooklyn and she called

24:09

me one day and she's like season. You

24:11

know it's a funny movie, barely got the

24:13

properly locked know and you're better than all

24:16

of us. And I

24:18

didn't think I was better than all of

24:20

them. but I knew that I was. Different

24:22

and I didn't wanna go

24:25

home anymore. The only times

24:27

i did go where for

24:29

Christmas and once i got

24:31

didn't new York's and with

24:33

with him a half a

24:35

little last ah this broke

24:37

in Brooklyn. Ah

24:39

yes! I finally got up

24:42

the courage. To tell her I wasn't coming home

24:44

that year. And. I

24:47

was scared because it was the biggest day

24:49

of the year for her. So I decided.

24:51

I would tell her that I didn't have enough money

24:53

for a flight. Which I was broke that

24:55

I had enough my and get home. I

24:57

just knew that she's at least understand not

24:59

having that. And it went

25:02

over pretty well. So the next couple

25:04

a days I sat in Park Slope

25:06

at a friend's apartment with a big

25:08

group of people and we drank and

25:10

we danced and we watch movies and

25:12

we last and not once did any

25:14

of them ever mention how they had

25:17

scraped. And scrimped and sacrifice to

25:19

buy me the gifts that he

25:21

probably or none appreciate any. And

25:24

it was the best Christmas of

25:27

my life. And so as to

25:29

that, I didn't go home for

25:31

Christmas and I only went home

25:33

for emergencies, which. The first

25:35

says. Them. Came about a year

25:37

later. My sister called because she is

25:39

how my mom collapsed in the kitchen

25:41

floor and had to have her rushed.

25:44

To. Hospital. And when

25:46

I get that to Georgia my sister

25:48

sit me down until see what happened.

25:51

You know, well we got his hospital

25:53

and she woke up and she says

25:55

she had a migraine headaches and they

25:57

gave her tylenol three. But. He

26:00

didn't touch it so she has her back at

26:02

him. And says he

26:04

took the fact that in and it

26:06

didn't work either. says they gave her

26:09

a purpose it and then another purpose.

26:11

that and I think after that it

26:13

was a did lauded and that's when

26:15

she finally passed out. I don't know

26:17

season I'm just I'm worried cause like

26:20

that seems like a lot of medicine

26:22

that she must be really see. What?

26:26

Else about you but I've taken a

26:28

bike of them. And.

26:30

I've taken a percocet and I would

26:32

never take the two together. An idea

26:35

that somebody could take all of those

26:37

pills? And still be coherent enough

26:39

to ask for more? Well, I

26:42

knew that was going on. Amy. Mom

26:45

it's not sexy, the fuck and drug addict.

26:50

Once we realized that on. My

26:53

mom had cancer that point. She have been

26:55

diagnosed with stage three breast cancer and somewhere

26:57

along. The way she had developed

26:59

a ninety plus till. A week

27:01

have. She really

27:04

loved Benzos, which is why she's

27:06

so good at that cited and

27:08

percocet commerce and on. I

27:11

had also developed a habit along the

27:13

way. I. Was addicted

27:15

to Amy's intervention so I knew

27:17

exactly what to do. I

27:22

went to my mom how with a shopping

27:24

bag and I gathered. All the pill

27:26

bottles I knew to look underneath the

27:28

drawers. And in her pants pockets. and

27:31

I found everything. And I went to

27:33

her doctor and there we decided we're

27:35

gonna have her forcibly admitted to rehab.

27:38

So. The next two nights I

27:40

stay with her. And hospital while

27:42

see detox from all the pills

27:45

and. We went on some.

27:47

And centers together and hurling with

27:49

the hallucinations. Ah us some dead

27:51

relatives came to visit. We

27:53

rode some roller coasters. Together which

27:55

was awesome and I journal

27:58

about the entire experience. And

28:00

I called my stories tales

28:02

from the Pot. And because

28:04

it was two thousand and

28:07

eight, my journal at the

28:09

time was. A blog. So.

28:15

Few weeks later when my

28:17

mother found the blog about

28:19

her rehab because of course

28:21

she did, it didn't go

28:23

very well and she's made

28:25

a comment. On

28:27

a particular post that. Accused

28:30

me of being a liar. And

28:32

she said that I had my

28:34

thoughts are wrong She hope my

28:37

friends knew better and see. Tell.

28:39

Me that she was done with me. And.

28:41

If you don't know what done with

28:44

his and the south that means. To

28:48

me. We were

28:50

strains of her life. So

28:53

we didn't talk for a couple years. And

28:55

it wasn't until her doctor had

28:57

suggested that. She get her affairs in order

28:59

that she gave me a call. During

29:02

that phone call. We

29:05

talked about the blog that I had written

29:07

and I explained to her that I never

29:09

intended to hurt her, it was just said

29:11

I was broken by what has happened and

29:13

I was a writer and I didn't know

29:15

how else to get my thoughts our and

29:17

I assured her that I had taken everything

29:19

down as soon as she had made the

29:21

comment and I was so so sorry. She

29:24

tell me how hard is it and be a

29:26

strange for me for the last couple years. And

29:29

how much you miss me either

29:31

season is? It's just that I

29:33

used to love me some lights.

29:37

On Mom. Was.

29:39

That passes. Whale

29:44

season. We

29:48

ended at conversation by her Tommy. She thought

29:50

that we could repair our relationship. Is I

29:53

called more often but after some see

29:55

and love me anymore I didn't see

29:57

much point in it so I didn't.

30:00

I went back to Radio Silence for

30:02

the next year until I got another

30:04

phone call from my sister. Telling.

30:07

Me that my mom had been put under hospice care.

30:11

About the flight home and when

30:13

I walked into the living room,

30:15

it was kinda like walking into

30:17

Santa. Clauses. Nursing Home. It

30:19

was the beginning of December

30:21

and so despite. My mom's help.

30:24

They had decorated the entire house and

30:26

every surface had it natively said or

30:28

a Santa figurine. And there were trees

30:30

and poinsettias and Christmas presents. And in

30:33

the middle of it all is my

30:35

mother. Lying on a hospital bed?

30:37

Where are so for us to be? And

30:41

when I walked in the door

30:43

that day, she can has a

30:45

square diseases coming in with, did

30:47

like feminine and when she recognized.

30:50

She. Does blared. What

30:52

are you doing here? I'm

30:56

here to watch you die is

30:58

the I saw us. But ah,

31:00

instead I just walked around like you

31:02

know I'm here to see you mom

31:05

and I leaned over to hug her.

31:07

Because I didn't know what else to do and

31:09

I told her that I loved her and she's

31:12

in say about. He

31:15

nice season he didn't need the com or know

31:17

how you. Feel about me for me not call on

31:19

for so long. Long

31:22

you tell me he's used

31:24

to love me. Past tense:

31:28

Season. Uses never understand how much

31:30

he hurt me. I

31:34

started crying and told her again how

31:36

sorry I was and reminded her that

31:38

had taken everything. Down off line

31:40

mom. I didn't

31:42

mean to hurt you at ease. Everything's gone

31:45

and I don't know how to take it

31:47

back that were running at a time. I

31:49

need you to forgive me. Please

31:51

forgive me before we. It's

31:54

too late and. She

31:57

sighs and looked at me. They

32:01

then he'll never know how much. You broke

32:03

my heart. A

32:08

few days after that, arms. The.

32:12

Hospice Nurse This came by and they've given us

32:14

this list of. Nine things to

32:16

look for My mom's health declined, and

32:18

at that point. We. Had gotten

32:21

to it out. and nine. Arms.

32:25

I knew that I wasn't

32:27

gonna get that. Deathbed.

32:30

Reconciliation I'd hoped for, and my

32:33

sister and I decided that. Even

32:35

though Christmas was just a week away, we

32:37

should probably go and celebrate with mom the

32:39

next time she woke up, which we did,

32:42

I It's not easy to buy

32:44

your Mother of Christmas gifts for

32:47

her last Christmas. so once she

32:49

got to mine I was pretty

32:51

excited that see last when she

32:53

opened it. Says in

32:55

flair if I had been able to go

32:57

out and isa than others. Totally gonna buy

32:59

you a snuggie days. Ah,

33:03

So it went over well and that

33:05

it was a nice moment. But

33:10

after that she didn't really come

33:12

around the law anymore and. Soon.

33:14

We realized that my sister was

33:17

gonna have mom on a hospital.

33:19

Bed in the living room for and

33:21

as who know how long? So we've

33:24

put money into a nursing home? As.

33:26

A temporary measures said that my sister ticket.

33:28

Or sit in order. And when

33:31

we did, Mom came around as we. Are

33:33

getting her settled and her room. I

33:35

try to explain where she was and

33:38

she seemed to understand and. When

33:40

I told her it was just and that would have

33:42

a home as soon as possible she disturbed or had

33:44

to decide to show how pissed off she wasn't me.

33:48

Later we were leaving to go get

33:50

dinner and I told mom dad we'd

33:52

be back. After we ate and. For

33:56

the first time in day, she forced

33:58

out a single word sister. It directly

34:00

under my eyes and said. Before

34:07

we go to the restaurant my sister got

34:09

a call some the nursing home and they

34:11

had found Mom on responses in her room

34:13

and they took her to the hospital and.

34:17

Twelve hours later, on December

34:19

twenty ninth, my mom's gone.

34:24

Since then, Christmas has been a bummer. It's

34:27

ten five years this year, and

34:29

so far every year has either

34:32

sent me into a ridiculous. Drinking

34:34

bands to just not at all out.

34:36

Or I dig into a whole

34:39

of depression where I get all

34:41

harmony and hide away until the

34:43

new year. This.

34:45

Year however, And. Make in

34:47

the change. I

34:50

have put my energies

34:52

instead of into. Avoidance.

34:55

I am focusing on my work

34:58

and last week on December eleventh

35:00

which. Happens to be my mother's

35:02

birthday I launched my first Scylla.

35:14

And. Tonight I'm here sharing my

35:16

story with all of you. So.

35:19

Christmas. Twenty Fifteen. So.

35:21

Far said. Risk.

35:37

This is David Carbonara behind

35:40

me now and we just

35:42

heard as sadder sort of

35:44

story about a mother and

35:47

child relationship by Susan. can't

35:49

be confined on Instagram at

35:51

V Susan. Current folks if

35:54

you have a happy or

35:56

sad or any kind of

35:58

story about being a parent

36:01

or being a child of

36:03

a. Everything

36:05

you need to

36:07

know about how

36:09

to purchase is

36:11

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