1:59

and bringing you into their world is something I'm

2:02

just super proud of and again grateful

2:04

that you guys tune in. We decided we want to take

2:06

things just a step further. It's a Patreon community.

2:09

And basically what that means is if you become a part of

2:11

this community, look, I already bored bam bam. If

2:14

you want to become a part of this community, you're going to be able

2:16

to hear episodes early and all that ad free

2:18

and all that good stuff. But there's all this behind

2:20

the scenes footage, all this stuff that we've shot

2:22

that really brings you into

2:25

the folks that we've had on the show, really brings you into

2:27

their world. Drive chats with me and the folks

2:29

that I bring on the show to talk about their world, talk about

2:31

the issues that they're dealing with, about their triumphs

2:33

and their tragedies. Just go to Patreon

2:36

slash real ones on this website

2:38

that you see right there, right

2:41

on the screen, that's right in front of you.

2:43

This whole idea was something

2:45

about building bridges and bringing

2:47

people together and bringing folks that often

2:50

don't get the mic and giving the mic to them. So

2:52

the fact that you guys tune in means the world. Anyways,

2:55

again, thank you. Be good to each other out

2:57

there. Talk a little. One

2:59

of the things

2:59

that I truly believe connects us all

3:03

is parent. I don't care who you are. If you're a

3:05

parent, you love your kid. Now you might be a quote

3:07

unquote, good father, bad father, shitty mom,

3:10

good mom, whatever that, however you want to cry to,

3:12

which I try to lean away from those

3:14

things.

3:16

But I don't care. You know, Democrat,

3:18

Republican, gay straight, incarcerated

3:22

cop, doctor, lawyer, whatever you are. You

3:25

got a kid.

3:28

It's a bond and a love

3:30

that's inexplainable to anybody who hasn't felt

3:32

it. It's the strongest feeling I think you could

3:35

feel. And it's potential, I

3:37

think, for such a unifying thing because I do believe

3:39

we all love our kids. Just to start,

3:41

I guess, can you just sort of explain to the folks that

3:43

haven't heard what the Dad's

3:46

Edge podcast is, what the Alliance is,

3:48

and just sort of about your work? And if you want to talk

3:50

a little bit about what the intention

3:53

is there and sort of the history of it and the

3:55

why. Absolutely. So

3:57

crazy that

3:58

literally this morning I was coming upstairs. from

4:00

the gym in the hotel and

4:02

I got a message from a guy who wants to join you

4:04

know our alliance our mastermind and

4:07

he said hey I just have a couple questions you know

4:09

are you guys right wing are you left wing

4:12

he's like I'm Jewish I know you're Christian you know are

4:14

you guys really into like do I have to be a certain

4:16

religion and that kind of thing and then he went on and on about his eight-year-old

4:19

son and how he feels a little disconnected

4:21

and I just get the reason I was smiling when you're talking

4:24

about that is because like I just literally just got this message

4:26

today and I replied to this guy and I said I gotta

4:29

be honest man I have no

4:29

clue what side our

4:32

guys in the alliance stand on I don't know who's a Democrat

4:34

I don't know who's Republican I don't know who's conservative

4:36

I don't know I was like and I don't know

4:39

a

4:39

lot of the faith base that these men

4:41

follow I was like but here's what I can tell

4:44

you I was like none of those are prerequisite

4:46

the one thing that actually is the

4:48

common denominator for our guys is

4:51

that we are all fathers and we're all

4:53

husbands a lot of us are and

4:55

the one thing that unites us is the

4:58

drive and the hunger to show

5:00

up and to learn and to support each other

5:02

that's what actually unites us it's not

5:05

I'm this and you're that or I believe in this and

5:07

you believe in that sure it's those are the

5:09

common denominators but

5:11

yeah so I just want to comment on that but as far

5:14

as as far as the

5:16

dad edge and how it came to be so it's

5:18

about 10 years ago I'll never

5:20

forget it it was a it was a Sunday morning and

5:24

I woke up early and I opened

5:26

up the window and the Sun was shining

5:28

and the Sun just hit my face and

5:31

just had this beautiful epiphany that I

5:33

knew everything there was to know about being a father

5:36

and a husband I just I just had to share it with the world

5:39

that's a total BS lie I was like this

5:42

ain't the guy

5:44

I've been listening to I've seen pictures but I was

5:46

like the beards new I'm

5:55

like I'm like is that really Ethan I'm

5:58

just drag these dudes in from Venice Beach

5:59

Couple Plagner's no, I appreciate

6:02

that. No, so it's funny Ethan's here

6:04

And I'll answer the beard story

6:06

later because and if you're only if you're cool with that, I'll

6:08

share this story It's okay. So

6:11

the beard story is really very quick. I'm 47

6:13

years old. I've never had a beard my whole life That's because I

6:15

didn't even know if I could grow one, huh? And

6:18

so November comes around and Ethan comes

6:20

up to me He's like, hey dad, it's no

6:22

shave November. You're gonna you're gonna grow

6:24

a beard and I was like Ethan. I've never grown I don't know if I can

6:26

grow a beer and he's like you should do

6:28

it He's like, you know what?

6:29

You should also not cut your hair until

6:32

New Year's. I was like, that's like 10 That's like

6:34

two months away. It's like, you know eight

6:36

weeks. He's like,

6:38

yeah, he's like we're gonna put a bet on this

6:40

I was like, okay. I was like, I

6:42

love bets. I was like, what's the bet Ethan? Yeah, and

6:45

he's like if you cave and

6:47

you shave You have to eat whatever

6:49

McDonald's I put in front of you and I don't eat McDonald's

6:51

and I was like, okay I'm

6:53

gonna win this bet. I was like what happens

6:55

when I win? He goes well, you know,

6:58

what do you want? I was like, you know

6:59

that girl in your class that

7:02

you always talk about I was like You

7:04

haven't talked to her just yet. I was like on January

7:07

1st after I win this bet you're asking

7:09

her out and he's like Okay,

7:12

and so I won the bet and he

7:14

did it and Dude

7:19

dude, hey listen, man At

7:22

least you know and great that you did that man

7:25

great that you did that

7:26

great that you did that man That's what that's

7:28

what we talked about. I was like, it doesn't matter

7:31

Yeah It what matters is you did it

7:33

and the cool thing was is he was a man of his word

7:36

and held up his end Of the bargain he could have easily been

7:38

like yeah, I'm not doing that. Heck yeah, but

7:40

you know how dad edge got started I'll

7:42

share 10 10 years ago

7:45

this this happened And this

7:47

is hard for me to talk about the dad edge Got

7:50

started

7:51

from a really dark place It

7:53

got started because I I have

7:56

a new book coming out later this year It's called the pursuit

7:58

of legendary fatherhood and on the

7:59

back of the book, the publishing

8:02

company asked me to, hey, put a paragraph of

8:04

what this book's gonna be about. And

8:06

the first sentence is, 10 years ago, I became

8:08

the monster I swore to protect my kids against

8:10

at all costs. And the publisher

8:13

said,

8:14

you can't put this on the back of the book. I was like,

8:16

well, I would like to do that. I was like,

8:18

because I think that makes us all relatable.

8:20

Every dad goes through a dark time. So

8:23

my story, pretty unique, pretty

8:25

crazy. I was born

8:27

in 1975.

8:30

My mom and biological father were married

8:32

in 71. Right

8:35

after I was born, my dad and mom

8:37

got divorced and he left. Now here's the

8:39

crazy thing. I literally

8:42

remember being four years old because from the time I

8:44

was a baby to the time I was four, it was me and my mom. But

8:46

I remember being four years old. And

8:48

I remember being in preschool. And I remember

8:50

guys coming to pick up their sons or kids

8:52

from preschool. And I knew what a dad was.

8:55

And I knew I didn't have one, but

8:57

I didn't make any difference to me. I was four. And I was like,

8:59

I just knew moms went out and found dads.

9:02

That's literally what I thought. So I'll never

9:04

forget very first time my mom brings

9:06

the guy home to have dinner with us. I was four. And

9:10

my mom tells me that day, she was like, hey, I

9:13

have a really special friend who's coming over for dinner tonight

9:15

and I want you to meet him. Now my four year old mind, I

9:17

was like,

9:18

oh my God, she did it. Like she

9:20

found him. Like she found the dad. And

9:22

I'll never forget the first time this guy stepped

9:24

into our house

9:26

and he was wearing a trench coat. He had a three

9:28

piece suit on the double Windsor tie, feathered

9:30

hair, mustache, briefcase. He was a data

9:32

software engineer.

9:34

And this guy meets me. I'll never forget shaking his

9:36

hand for the first time. And the first

9:38

words out of my mouth with this big smile was,

9:41

are you going to be my dad? And

9:43

I'll never forget like this guy, the look on this guy's

9:45

face and my mom, I think kind of like gasped,

9:47

right? And it was about a year

9:50

later, they did get married. Now here's the funny part.

9:52

I was in the wedding. My

9:55

mom actually got me a blue tuxedo,

9:57

like dumb and dumber. Did

10:00

you not? I was the ring bear, but

10:02

they did get married. And for the next

10:04

six years, he was my dad. He adopted

10:06

me. And

10:08

he was cool when he was sober. But

10:11

when he drank and my mom

10:13

drank, man, it got dark. Cops

10:16

were called to my house a lot. My

10:19

dad would beat on me, hit me, punch

10:21

me, throw me down, hit my mom. I'll

10:23

never forget being six years old, waking

10:25

up to hearing my mom scream in her bedroom.

10:28

I ran in there. My dad was

10:30

holding her down by her wrist. And

10:33

I went in there and was trying to

10:35

pull him off. And he would grab me and drag

10:37

me down the hall, throw me over my

10:39

bed, slam the door. And I literally

10:42

put my hands over my ears and screamed

10:44

at the top of my lungs because I couldn't take hearing

10:46

them fight. Cops were called to my house.

10:49

Fast forward until I was 10. Every

10:51

year just got progressively worse, just

10:54

the drinking and the abuse. And then

10:57

when I was 10, they got divorced and he was gone.

10:59

And I haven't seen him since. I'll never forget being 10

11:02

and knowing that he was gone. There

11:04

was a part of me that

11:06

felt horrible, but I was also very relieved

11:08

at the same time. And I really

11:11

started asking questions at that point. I was like,

11:13

hey, where did I come from? And

11:16

that's when I found out, I did not know. My

11:18

mom was like, I was actually married before

11:21

and you have a dad out there. And

11:23

I was like,

11:24

oh my, where is he? What does he look

11:26

like? Like, why don't I see

11:28

him? And she showed me the wedding

11:30

album. And I was

11:32

like, oh my God, I have a dad out there. And

11:35

two years later, I was 12.

11:37

And it was by accident.

11:40

I'm happy to go into the detail if you want, but it's a long

11:42

story, but just for the sake of time, I

11:44

had the opportunity to meet my

11:46

father and I totally met him by

11:48

accident. My real dad. I will never

11:51

forget the day that I actually met my

11:53

father. You remember

11:55

Miami Vice? Of course. Yeah, okay, so.

11:58

Yeah, I used to rock the, I used to.

11:59

to rock the jacket, third grade,

12:02

dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the whole thing. Yeah. Bag

12:04

of powdered sugar and everything. I did that on a bus

12:06

opportunity, yeah, the whole thing. Yeah, of course.

12:09

Well, my mom for Easter one year, man, she

12:11

got me this Miami Vice white jacket

12:13

and this teal shirt, and I showed up

12:15

to meet my dad, because it was an arranged thing,

12:18

and I was wearing that, sleeves

12:20

were up, and I just wanted to look my best. And

12:22

I'll never forget meeting my dad, and he hugged me,

12:25

and

12:25

I miss you. I've been thinking about

12:28

you for so long, and just

12:30

hugged me, and he was remarried at the time, had a two year old

12:32

son, another one on the way.

12:34

And man, I was so excited, immediately started

12:36

calling him dad. I saw him every week, and

12:39

he

12:40

came to my little league games, and we

12:42

hung out a lot, and I noticed right around month

12:45

five, like we hung out for five good months,

12:47

things just started to change. And so, it

12:50

just, so like,

12:51

I just noticed he felt overwhelmed

12:53

and stressed and quiet and distant.

12:56

The best way I can describe it, the way I describe it now,

12:59

is imagine a woman that you've

13:01

dated in the past, and she's just not

13:04

into you anymore, but she hasn't told you

13:06

yet, but you know it's coming. That's what it felt like.

13:08

And I'll never forget, when I was 12, I

13:10

picked up the phone one day, and I was like, hey,

13:12

I was like, you know, what's going on?

13:15

Like, I just feel like something's not right, and

13:18

I don't even know what words were said, John.

13:20

I really don't. I just remember how it ended

13:23

up. And it ended up with, you

13:25

know, hey, I can't really

13:27

do this right now. It was that

13:29

theme. I don't know if it was those, those were the words.

13:32

And dude, I hung up that phone, and

13:35

that was it. And I will tell

13:37

you, man,

13:38

I fell into a very dark place as a kid,

13:41

very lost. I failed the eighth grade,

13:44

just kind of gave up on school. I over

13:46

ate, I got really fat, had to do eighth

13:48

grade twice. My mom's relationships

13:50

and marriages, she was married a total of three

13:53

times. It just became this revolving

13:55

door of years of just toxic

13:58

men that she either dated, lived with us.

13:59

married same kind of guy

14:02

party or toxic abuser and

14:05

how fast forward to i was an adult and and really

14:07

getting to your question of data edge

14:09

because i went on to college met my wife

14:12

wonderful woman was a medical device

14:14

sales thirty years old

14:17

my wife's pregnant with ethan over here and

14:19

i was in a starbucks in st louis

14:22

and hours in there for

14:24

a weekly meeting with my team

14:26

and this guy walks in and

14:29

out he caught my eye and i was like

14:31

oh my god shirt as my dad

14:33

i my biological father and since i

14:36

was twelve and as like

14:37

and i just remember that one at one of the women on my

14:40

team who my wife and

14:42

her husband were all friends so we can i knew each other

14:44

outside of work and she knew my story and

14:46

she's like hey hello are you still here like i'm

14:48

like as

14:50

sorry as like you know

14:52

you believe this as i put my my father

14:54

just walked in here and she's a white white

14:57

and am i had my dad's in here she's like were

14:59

and literally from me to chase

15:01

that's where he was and she's

15:03

like where you instantly and he added and he knew

15:05

instantly know he did not see me i saw him

15:08

anna and so she's like oh my god

15:11

like what would even say dorm and as a add

15:14

nothing as a magazine

15:16

into another one might say to on as it's been thirty

15:18

years eighteen years since i saw last

15:20

the last amazon i was it and

15:22

without one word she just

15:25

walked over to him as

15:27

like what is she doing she took it

15:29

upon herself to go how the conversation and

15:32

she sat down with him and i was like what

15:34

is about to fricking happen right

15:36

now and i'll never forget sitting

15:39

there in as i do i get outta here die go the bathroom

15:41

to i run like i'll never forget

15:43

his eyes met mine cause she pointed me out

15:45

to him as like oh my

15:47

god there's going to happen and he came walking over

15:49

does very humbly i make him sound like

15:51

a bomb is not is very successful entrepreneurs

15:54

been married for forty forty

15:55

five years now came over shook my

15:57

hand is like know hey

15:59

he i How are you? And I was like, I'm

16:02

fine. How are you? Like I wasn't nice, but

16:04

I wasn't totally cold, but I was just sort of

16:07

indifferent. Well, that meeting,

16:09

um, turned into what is now

16:12

been almost 18 years of a relationship

16:14

that I've had with him. And I wouldn't say it's necessarily

16:16

dad and son, but it's friends. Uh,

16:19

he's still married to the same woman. I have two younger

16:21

half brothers that I'm very close to. Um,

16:24

and it's been quite a journey, but here's how dad

16:26

edge got started. Ethan was six.

16:28

So I'm fast 40 now six years, his

16:31

younger brother's four. And

16:33

John, I was your typical. The

16:36

lost father. You know, I, I wanted

16:39

so badly, man, because of how I grew up to

16:41

be a, a good dad, a

16:44

good husband, and I made an oath to myself.

16:46

I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to do this right. Cause I know

16:48

what it feels like to have it done wrong.

16:51

And I

16:52

was your typical impatient guy. You

16:54

know, I w I didn't beat my kids. I didn't

16:57

yell at anybody. I didn't throw beer bottles at anybody, but

16:59

my, my marriage with Jessica was mediocre

17:01

at best. Yeah. We were distant relationship

17:04

with my kids was not the best. I was quick

17:06

tempered. And I

17:08

just, I kind of had this attitude of like,

17:10

if I do fatherhood from kind of out here and not

17:12

too close, I can't screw it up too bad.

17:15

And I was conscious. No,

17:17

I don't think so. Looking back on it. I think that's

17:19

what it was, but I didn't know it at the time. Well,

17:21

here's what happened. I had a really bad day at work one

17:23

time and not that that's an excuse. It's not. My

17:27

son who is four years old.

17:29

I lost my biggest customer that day. I was a medical

17:31

device sales. Like I said, it was going to impact

17:33

our income for the next 18 months. We

17:36

were moving kind of getting ready to move. And my four year old

17:38

son stepped out of line. And I, one thing

17:40

I always swore to myself is I'm never going to strike

17:43

my children in anger. And

17:45

he stepped out of line as any four year old would. And I spanked

17:48

him.

17:49

And I spanked him hard enough where he lost his

17:51

footing and he fell.

17:54

And I was like, Oh my God, what did I just do? And

17:56

I went to pick him up and I'll never

17:58

forget the look on my son. his face. He

18:01

literally like shuttered. And

18:03

I was like, Oh my God,

18:06

like what the hell have I just done? I go to pick

18:08

him up. He's crying. And

18:10

my wife, who is the most respectful,

18:13

most appreciative, never puts me down, always

18:15

builds me up. And so when she

18:17

says something to me, that's constructive, man,

18:19

do I listen? And my wife looked at me and she goes, really?

18:22

He, Larry, he's four. He's four. Why?

18:25

And I'll never forget

18:27

that night. She told me, she was like, you

18:30

have it in you to be

18:32

a good father. You have it in you to be

18:34

a good husband. You're not doing it.

18:36

And I went into my office that night

18:39

and what do you do as an adult? When you have a bad

18:41

moment,

18:42

you get on social media to distract yourself

18:44

and see everybody else's great life.

18:47

And that night I was on Facebook, man, I have tears

18:49

coming down my eyes and I see a button

18:51

in the left hand corner that says create a page.

18:53

And I never created a page

18:55

and I hit that button thing

18:58

comes up. What do you want to name your page? And literally the

19:00

good dad project just rolled off my heart

19:02

and onto that keyboard. And

19:04

that was the beginning. And I started looking at my life

19:07

as being a father and a husband differently. And

19:10

I started looking at things that I was pretty decent at

19:12

the time. I was pretty decent at martial arts. I was

19:14

very good at my job and I started asking myself, well,

19:16

why? Well, it's because let's

19:18

take martial arts. I go to class. I've

19:20

been doing it for 10 years. I go to class every week. I have a

19:22

coach, I have a mentor of a community. I have a

19:24

practice. I'm constantly learning. Same

19:27

thing with my job. I'm good at sales because I'm constantly

19:29

learning anything. I've ever, anything we ever

19:32

do good. You know, you're an actor. You

19:34

don't just be like, Hey, I think I'm going to go be a Hollywood

19:36

actor and I'll wing it. You

19:38

had to learn. And

19:40

I was like, what have I done for being

19:42

a husband and father? Like nothing,

19:45

nothing at all. So I started asking

19:47

myself, do the same rules apply?

19:50

And it turns out that they do. And from 2012

19:52

till now, it's

19:55

been a journey and it's been a journey of learning. I

19:57

still don't have all the answers. I will never even come

19:59

close to. having all the answers. 2013 started

20:02

the blog, 2015 started the podcast, 2016 we

20:07

started Dadda Edge Alliance Mastermind, and

20:09

it has been the

20:11

most incredible journey of

20:13

learning skills within marriage, parenting,

20:16

leadership, health, all

20:18

of these things.

20:19

Hasn't been pretty, you know, it's been speed bumps,

20:21

but the answer, I know that was long winded, but

20:24

that's the answer. But look, it

20:26

not being pretty, I mean, I have so

20:28

much, I've sworn off of the

20:31

damn notebook because I like the conversations

20:33

to be the conversation, but I have so many specific questions

20:35

to ask you.

20:36

The only way to grow, the only way to get better,

20:38

the only way to satisfy, or momentarily

20:41

satisfy, there's

20:45

never ending

20:47

calling to always try to be

20:49

better

20:50

is to fail, to fall flat on your

20:52

face, admit it, take accountability of

20:54

it, redirect, restructure, rework.

20:57

And so it doesn't surprise me that

21:00

the genesis of this comes from this sort of like for

21:02

you, this kind of epic

21:05

failure. What I love about your

21:07

show also is that you approach it with real humility,

21:09

it's not a preachy show from you, man. Some

21:11

of your guests sometimes feel like they got all

21:13

the answers and sometimes I'm like, I

21:16

find that really interesting and I wanna talk to you about that,

21:18

but you're constantly talking about times that

21:20

you feel like you've let these guys down. Whether

21:24

it's yours or whether it's some other father, can

21:27

you talk about

21:28

other failures that have had an

21:31

enormous impact on your growth or somebody else's growth

21:33

or somebody else's failure that made you grow?

21:35

Totally. So when

21:38

it comes to like my own podcast, right, by

21:40

the way, I can't wait to have you on. What I'll

21:42

tell you is a lot of my guests, they

21:45

have certain strengths, right? Had

21:48

amazing people like Chris Voss, who is the

21:50

chief hostage negotiator for the FBI,

21:53

right? And like, so he's a communication expert,

21:55

you know, but obviously weaknesses in other areas,

21:57

but there's always a beautiful strength in every.

21:59

single guest and there's always humility. And, and,

22:02

um, but with my story, what I can

22:04

tell you is that I, I

22:07

fall flat on my face probably

22:09

every day. You know, I mean, with, with these

22:11

boys, with these young men, you know,

22:13

one of the things here, how old

22:15

is your oldest by the way? My oldest is 11. So I

22:18

got a seven year old girl. Then I have a, uh,

22:20

a 10 year old boy and 11 year old boy. Okay. Yeah.

22:22

So with my 15 year old, who's Ethan's

22:25

younger brother, this is, this is a perfect example

22:27

of, you know, you're 15 year old acting

22:30

older than you. Right. Suddenly you get this glimpse.

22:33

So I go downstairs. This was probably just

22:35

a few months ago. And the

22:37

lesson here that I'll share is

22:40

by being humble and

22:42

having what, you know, Jocko willing, you know, it calls

22:45

extreme ownership, right? Um,

22:47

by, by those things, you can actually

22:49

teach your kids by,

22:50

by being the example of it, even when it feels

22:52

like we shouldn't like, I apologize

22:54

probably. And Ethan will tell you, I apologize more to my kids,

22:57

more than I was growing up. Like I'm the mom, you're

22:59

the kid, shut up. That's that's the rules. Right.

23:01

Sure. Um, but like, so a few

23:03

months back.

23:05

I go downstairs, my 15 year old kind of has this

23:07

habit of always leaving like his popcorn

23:09

bowls and his dishes and his trash and his

23:11

shoes and just like, it's ever, it's like my house

23:14

for boys. It's like a fraternity party. A

23:16

lot of people ask me like, what's it like raising four boys?

23:18

I was like, imagine a

23:20

fraternity house where everyone's pretty drunk.

23:22

Nobody wants to sleep. And you never leave.

23:25

I was like, that's my house. I

23:27

literally found a half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich

23:29

in the bathroom, like a few months back.

23:31

And I'm like, how does this even get here? So I go downstairs.

23:35

There's trash and I know who it was. My 15 year

23:37

old

23:38

and I'm always telling him, well, I just

23:40

completely like lost my cool on

23:42

him, like not, I didn't go crazy, but I was like,

23:44

Mason, I was like, get out here. It

23:46

comes out. He's like, yeah. I was like, dude, how many

23:48

times do I need to tell you like stuff is here? This

23:50

is that, this is that pick up your trash. How

23:52

many times do I have to say it over and

23:54

over, man? Like, when's it going to get through your head? Yeah. And

23:57

he's just like taking it, taking it. He's just like,

23:59

And I'm just like, and he's like, you

24:03

really don't have to yell at me. And I was like, hmm.

24:08

And then the ego, right? You just wanna protect

24:11

the ego. And I'm just like, well,

24:13

if you'd picked up your stuff, I wouldn't have to yell,

24:15

right? And he's like,

24:17

yeah, but you really don't have to yell at me. He's

24:19

like, if you ask me to clean

24:21

it up, I was like, he's like, dad, listen, I promise

24:25

I'll do it. He's like, sometimes I forget. And

24:27

here's what I'll tell you. The lesson that I learned there, I'm

24:29

gonna digress for a second.

24:31

I always filter that when I see stuff like that, I

24:34

filter through the lens of how disrespectful,

24:36

how lazy, like you're just expecting

24:38

somebody else to clean this up. And that's not

24:40

where he's coming, where he's actually coming from is he's a 15 year

24:43

old and it's not on his radar, right? So

24:47

I'm yelling at him and

24:48

he's taking it. He's like, you don't have to yell at me.

24:51

And then I just stormed off, right? And

24:54

I literally went upstairs and as I'm going upstairs,

24:56

cause I can watch all these things unfold because I've

24:58

learned them through guests and mentors and

25:00

all this, I'm like, I know exactly what just happened.

25:03

I was like, freaking kid just went

25:05

from 15 to 50 older

25:08

than me. Like in the way, and I just basically

25:10

showed him the wrong way to operate. So

25:13

I go right back downstairs and I'm like,

25:16

I'm sorry. I was like, I

25:19

should not have, you know what? I was like, you're a young man. I

25:21

was like, you operate as a young man. I was like,

25:23

I don't need to yell at you anymore. I was like,

25:26

I shouldn't have to yell at you at all. And that's on

25:28

me. I was like, you're

25:30

right. I'm not gonna yell at you anymore.

25:32

And I was like, if

25:34

I see something, I'm gonna ask you to do

25:36

it once, okay? And

25:39

then if it's not done, then

25:41

we'll have to talk more. I was like, but

25:43

that's my obligation to you. I was like, can

25:46

you make a promise to me though, that

25:48

when I do ask you nicely, would you do it? He's like, absolutely.

25:51

And we shook on him. That's a great answer to it. It

25:54

was. Eat this kid, yeah, yeah. And we shook

25:56

on it. And I said, you know what, Mason? I

25:58

go,

25:59

I gotta tell you, I was like,

26:02

there are times with this fatherhood thing, man, like

26:04

where I

26:05

feel like I get it right. And

26:07

there are times where I fall flat

26:10

on my face. And I was like, and today was

26:13

one of those days. And I'm like, and I am

26:15

sorry. I was like, what I just showed

26:17

you is not the way to do this.

26:20

And he's like, no problem. And we forgive

26:22

each other and we move on. But yeah, man, that,

26:24

I mean, Ethan, how often does an apology happen?

26:27

Probably at least once a week. Yeah.

26:32

Knowing your pops is the way he is. Like,

26:35

how do you feel about his propensity for apology?

26:37

And do you overall, do you appreciate

26:40

it? I always expect it. Because

26:42

like I said, in one of your calls,

26:44

I was like,

26:46

if you want to be like, like a lot of people

26:48

say that the alpha male has

26:50

to be the toughest and

26:52

the leader and they can't show weakness.

26:54

I was like, but if you are

26:57

the man who like apologizes and

26:59

owns up to the mistakes, that's a real alpha male,

27:01

because you're owning up to

27:03

your mistakes. I just think it's, it's

27:05

not right. If you just don't, you recognize there's a real

27:08

strength in that there's a strength in saying, hey, look, I did

27:10

it. I'll take whatever's coming forward. Like, I'm sorry.

27:12

And I imagine you also see how

27:14

unbelievably weak it is to make excuses

27:17

to lie to run away. I mean, you're

27:19

literally operating out of fear. And,

27:21

and, and, and, and you see that, huh?

27:24

Yeah, that's cool, man. That's cool.

27:26

Yeah, that's cool. Look, you have, you have different kids

27:28

and each kid is so incredibly different.

27:31

I'm sure, you know, what you do

27:33

with Ethan is different. What you do with the siblings,

27:35

are there uniform things that you,

27:37

that you like to sort of focus

27:40

on and, and are there, are

27:42

there, are there

27:43

nuggets or tidbits you've gotten from, from these

27:45

great guests and mentors that you talk to that, that,

27:47

that help you with that and that define your philosophy towards

27:50

it? Such a beautiful question. And

27:52

you're right. You know, the numbers don't lie. And

27:54

what I can tell you is, so let me frame

27:57

a one, one other statistic. This

27:59

might scare you a little bit.

27:59

It scared me when I first started but 80%

28:03

of our one-on-one time with our kids is

28:05

gone

28:06

by the time they're 12 Yeah, I've heard that on your

28:08

show Yeah It's terrifying we

28:11

but it also really creates a lot of sense of urgency

28:13

And the other thing too is is that I think a lot of men

28:15

or in parents just in general We think

28:17

we have 18 years right? We're truly what we

28:19

have is 18 summers, right? But

28:22

what you really have if you really think about it, yes,

28:25

your kids are, you know from the age of like one to

28:27

five You know, there's there's a lot of influence

28:29

and brain development that kind of thing I'm not a parenting

28:31

expert on that or psychology But what

28:34

I will tell you the the range of

28:36

ages where

28:36

we truly have impact I believe

28:38

his father's is 6 to 11 and

28:41

then and then on but those are

28:43

the years that you really set the foundation

28:46

of

28:48

Of how these young men and daughters right

28:50

are going to operate right?

28:52

And I think it what's most important

28:55

is that we create at the foundation

28:58

of father and son or father and

29:00

daughter

29:01

its connection It's creating

29:04

an environment what we call creating an environment of

29:06

psychological safety where

29:07

your kids can come to you

29:10

and they can tell you

29:11

anything and everything and There's

29:14

ways that we can create that and there's ways that we can decimate

29:16

that it's it's a it's an absolute

29:18

skill What a lot of people don't understand

29:21

is when it comes to raising young

29:23

men, right? Let's just take raising young men raising young

29:25

daughters These things are skills and

29:27

what's unfortunate is that we wing

29:30

it like we just sort of like I'll

29:32

just figure it out as I go Right, we do it in

29:34

relation to the the presumed success or

29:36

failure of our own parents, right? We we

29:38

have this image of our own parents as being either

29:40

good or bad, right?

29:41

So we want to either emulate them or do the exact

29:44

opposite of what they did exactly But but what you're

29:46

talking about is approaching it like any

29:48

sort of technique or anything that's vitally

29:50

important to you You got to work you got to train. So what are

29:52

what are some of those those ways? Like what are

29:54

ways that it gets decimated? So

29:57

the ways that get decimated is when

29:59

kids are in it when your kids are interacting

30:01

with you that you blast them with shame

30:04

guilt blame pain now I'm

30:06

not saying that there's never a place for

30:09

discipline a lot of people

30:11

will say oh well that sounds like discipline it's

30:13

different right and also

30:15

creating an environment of psychological safety is not the absence

30:17

of consequences either right so

30:20

let me give you an example of what I'm talking about

30:24

I like to ask my kids what we call

30:27

generative questions a generative question

30:29

that's another skill most guys

30:32

well let me just ask you this when when when

30:34

guys come home or when people come home from

30:37

work or whatever and they see their wife and kids

30:39

or whatever what do you think is the first question

30:41

that we ask how was your day how was your day

30:44

right that in

30:46

and of itself is a really crappy question

30:48

now what I'll tell you is the intention behind

30:50

that question isn't crappy at all totally because

30:52

we love them and we care but there's a better way to ask

30:55

right so how was your day will always

30:57

result in

30:58

good fine busy

31:02

right you don't default question don't have to think

31:04

about it but when you ask your kids

31:08

what's the question go ahead Quinton

31:11

here runs a sustainable clothing brand

31:14

either he's excited that his shipping

31:16

company FedEx has set a goal of having

31:18

carbon neutral operations by 2040 impressive

31:22

when an influencer tweeted about his recycled

31:24

bamboo t-shirts Quinton unexpectedly

31:27

became quite popular he

31:30

uses FedEx to reach new customers around

31:32

the globe while making earth a

31:35

priority FedEx where

31:37

now meets next

31:41

what is the highlight of your day or what

31:43

is the best part of your day and there's a whole

31:45

psychology so I'm getting to your question of how we create this

31:47

connection when you ask your kids what's

31:49

what's the best part of your day tell me why

31:51

it was so meaningful for you

31:53

suddenly it's not how was school what

31:55

you learn how was your day suddenly they're they're

31:58

thinking what was the best part

32:00

of my day. So when they tell you

32:02

they're like, Dad, I had the fitness

32:04

test today and I cranked out 62 pushups.

32:06

I beat Parker. I'm like, dude,

32:09

that's a mate. You must feel amazing.

32:11

So I emotionally label them, right? You must

32:13

feel amazing. You match that energy.

32:16

How cool is it when we want to share

32:18

something like when you get a part, right? And you come home,

32:20

you tell your wife, you're like, guess what? I got the part,

32:22

right? And she matches that energy.

32:25

It creates such a beautiful connection. That's

32:28

one question.

32:29

The second question is this.

32:31

Tell, well, what's the second question? What was the least

32:33

favorite part of your day? What was something that like, like

32:37

challenges you the most? Yeah. And

32:40

you know, you, you'll get like an answer like, no,

32:42

I didn't like this or I didn't like that.

32:44

Yeah. Yeah. But this is where

32:46

you can create an environment of psychological safety. So

32:48

I'll show you a good, like

32:51

the good response and the response that it's more

32:53

typical. Right. So let's just say, I say,

32:55

Hey, you know, Ethan, what was, what was your

32:57

biggest challenge today? What did you fail at? What was the low

33:00

point of your day? What'd you learn? Now I

33:02

love asking the question of what did you fail at today?

33:05

Because it gets us used to the fact, you

33:07

know, parents are terrified to see their

33:09

kids fail. I mean,

33:10

look at any little league game. They flip out, right?

33:13

But fail, right? Fail forward, fail fast,

33:15

right? And learn. That's the thing is learn,

33:17

right? So I think it,

33:20

I think it was you or Mason. I can't remember who it was, but I'll never

33:22

forget. One was like, Hey, what was the

33:24

challenge for you today? And be like,

33:28

and you'll see it, right? Dad,

33:31

you remember when

33:33

I was sick a couple of weeks ago

33:35

and I missed four days of school? Yep, I

33:37

do. Well,

33:40

I have seven missing assignments right now. This

33:43

is just a couple of weeks ago, right?

33:47

Seven missing assignments. I have two F's and

33:50

what Ethan, you know, he's good student.

33:52

Doesn't, doesn't get F's. Doesn't usually have missing assignments,

33:54

but was, was definitely ill. Like was really

33:56

sick for four days. Now there's a part

33:58

of me, right? And I,

33:59

where I as

34:02

a dad you just want to lay on that lecture.

34:04

And I was sitting there thinking like, dude I've seen you on your

34:06

phone, I've seen you playing Oculus,

34:09

I know you haven't been doing your work. Like and there's that

34:11

part of me that wants to just blast them and be

34:13

like, hey we don't get Fs man,

34:15

right? We don't have missing assignments. You

34:18

know, you need to get this done and just point

34:20

and you're right. Instead I was like, okay

34:23

I bet that took a lot of courage to tell me that, huh?

34:25

So you welcome that and I said, tell me more about that.

34:28

I don't say why did this happen. Tell me

34:29

more about that. He'll explain.

34:33

Because tell me more is I'm

34:35

welcoming information. Why did you

34:37

do that? That's accusatory and it puts us

34:39

psychologically. How could you do that? How could you do

34:41

that? What's wrong with you, right? And so when

34:43

he starts explaining these things, well

34:46

now I don't have to lecture. And I'm like, and

34:48

I think the response that I gave Ethan was you know, Ethan

34:50

I was like, the story I'm telling myself is

34:53

that you've been down this road

34:55

already like last semester. And I remember

34:57

you coming through it just fine.

34:59

What did you do that helped you succeed

35:01

and overcome then? As

35:04

much as I wanna lecture my kid and just tell

35:07

him all this great knowledge that I have and tell him what

35:09

he thinks he should do, kids will usually

35:11

tune out and so do people when we're pointing

35:14

the finger and lecturing. But when he's explaining

35:16

to me the plan, right? Explaining

35:19

to me the plan of what he's gonna do and how he's gonna execute,

35:21

well now he's more sold on

35:23

his plan. He's gonna execute his plan. And all I

35:25

have to do is be like, dude, that's a great idea. Like

35:28

how can I support you with that? Like let's go,

35:30

right? Fist bump. Well

35:32

now suddenly dad

35:35

becomes a safe place to come

35:37

and

35:38

open up these conversations. And

35:40

here's where I'll tell you it really pays off. Yeah.

35:42

There were consequences there, right? Consequences

35:45

were he had to go

35:48

in the auditorium and skip lunch and

35:50

work on his projects. He had to go see a teacher for

35:52

extra help. He had to stay up later than normal. There

35:55

were natural consequences. But

35:57

what I will tell you is there's gonna come a day.

35:59

Where every kid, I don't

36:02

care who you are, but there's gonna be a 17 year old, 18 year

36:04

old kid who's gonna go to a party and is

36:06

gonna drink too much, or whatever they're

36:08

gonna do.

36:09

They have that cell phone on their hand and they have a choice

36:11

that they're gonna make. Do I call my dad?

36:14

Because he's the guy, rep after

36:16

rep, day after day, he's been the guy who

36:19

I can come to with this stuff. Or

36:21

do I roll the dice, get

36:23

behind the wheel of the car and pray to God he never finds

36:25

out.

36:26

I will tell you with 100% confidence that

36:29

my boys know they can pick up that phone and

36:31

they can call me.

36:33

They will not be lectured, they will not be blasted,

36:35

they will not be guilted. I'll be happy that

36:37

they call me. We might have a conversation about it,

36:39

a very fruitful one. But

36:42

it's not gonna result in blasting them and punishing

36:44

them. But that's what I'll tell you. So

36:46

to answer your question,

36:48

kids are gonna go through super dark,

36:51

dark times. And

36:53

what they really need is, and I'm not

36:55

saying coddle your kids, I'm not saying baby

36:58

them and they're free of consequences and discipline. There's

37:00

natural consequences, everything.

37:03

But you've gotta be that safe haven for them

37:05

to be like,

37:06

dad, it's dark for me right now, man. Like,

37:09

I don't know what to do. Because when a

37:11

kid doesn't have that, that's

37:13

when you see them resort to drugs,

37:16

alcohol, suicidal

37:18

ideation, all these things. And

37:20

a lot of parents are like, oh my God, I had no

37:23

idea. The path to change.

37:26

I was listening to one of the episodes the

37:29

other day. And they're talking

37:31

about pain. Talking about the

37:33

pain that you create for yourself and

37:35

the pain that just comes to you. And that how that usually

37:38

generates

37:39

change. And how

37:41

do you do that? How did you do that? How have you seen that work

37:44

for others? So what I can tell you

37:46

is, it's kinda like your

37:48

iPhone, right? It's like it has an operating

37:50

system. And what I can tell you is, even

37:53

though I teach this stuff, I do

37:55

this stuff, I podcast about this stuff, I constantly

37:57

have to override the default operating system.

37:59

Like when Ethan don't

38:02

take this the wrong way, but when Ethan lays information

38:04

on on that on me Like there's

38:06

still that part of me that wants to be like You

38:09

know blast them. Yeah with with

38:11

like what you ever talked, right? Not

38:14

not even if he's talking back because we actually

38:16

had an incident between he and I

38:18

Where you know, he was really

38:21

wound up about a few things and and I said, you

38:23

know what? I was like, why don't give me your phone

38:25

until you're done with these assignments Sometimes

38:28

you do have to put these these consequences

38:30

in place, right? And he did he gladly hung up hand

38:32

it over his phone and the next day

38:34

he had all his assignments done but what I will tell you is that

38:38

You have a lot of people think that

38:41

the skills and I harp

38:43

on this the skills not the feeling But

38:45

the skills of being a father they

38:47

are ultra important to learn and to constantly

38:50

practice. It's no different You're a

38:52

boxer, right? You have to practice your hook

38:54

you have to practice your uppercut There's a skill and

38:56

a technique to those things and you have to

38:59

know when to do them and when to execute them

39:01

To override that operating system is number

39:04

one to know that you're human, right?

39:06

But also rely on the skill,

39:08

right? so like for instance if you're a boxer like

39:11

you're

39:11

saying you

39:12

and you're in the ring sparring with somebody and You're

39:15

up against the ropes and you're like man I'm just getting pummeled

39:17

right now and you just want to go into fight-or-flight

39:19

and just unleash right and what happens when

39:21

we unleash like Is a lot of

39:24

times we that's when we get knocked out

39:26

for sure, right? It's when we compose

39:28

ourselves and be like I need to we don't

39:30

rise to any occasion we fall back on our

39:32

training so to answer a question

39:34

is to Constantly be a student

39:37

of these skills around how to communicate

39:39

with your kids how to communicate with your wife

39:42

Ask them generative questions create an environment

39:44

of psychological safety use a skill set like

39:46

tactical empathy using emotional labels All

39:49

of these things that every time we

39:52

have an interaction or my wife and I do I always

39:55

have to look for the opportunity

39:57

to override my default,

39:59

you know

41:59

the unconscious to the conscious, I'm going

42:02

to now step into this. It

42:04

literally clicked for me. I was like, that's

42:07

exactly what it is. You know? So like these conversations

42:10

we learn from each other, right? And

42:13

I just learned from you. So thank you. Oh, right. No,

42:15

seriously. But here's what I'll

42:17

tell you about most men, the

42:20

Alliance, that kind of thing.

42:22

Most men walk the earth

42:24

with this lone wolf mentality,

42:27

right? Here's the crazy thing. We

42:29

view the lone wolf as strong,

42:32

right? It, the lone wolf is strong. He can

42:34

handle everything on his own. I think of most

42:36

men really understood what happens to the lone wolf.

42:38

Cause his fate isn't pretty.

42:40

The lone wolf dies and the lone

42:42

wolf, two different situations. The

42:45

lone wolf is either of old age

42:47

or injured or whatever. So he leaves the pack to

42:50

go die, or he's lost

42:52

the pack and some sort of chaotic situation,

42:54

he's lost his pack. Well, now he's going to die either

42:57

from starvation or another predator. Either

42:59

way, the lone wolf dies. The pack is

43:02

strong

43:03

because of the wolf and the wolf is strong because

43:05

of the pack. Most men are living

43:07

this quiet life of desperation and isolation

43:10

where we're surrounded physically by

43:12

other men,

43:13

but mentally and emotionally and through

43:15

conversation and learning, we don't have those

43:17

iron, sharp and iron relationships. We

43:19

have like these more rusty relationships. So

43:22

the Alliance, you know, it's

43:24

a community we've had since 2016. And

43:27

what it is, is it's a community of men who are

43:30

honorable, who are hungry, humble and

43:32

ungodly imperfect, right?

43:35

But what we are, what our vision is,

43:37

is we want to create an extraordinary marriage

43:39

and we want the skills to do that communication,

43:42

connection, intimacy, the whole nine yards, we want this

43:44

connection with our kids, where we create connection,

43:47

psychological safety, these beautiful memories, right?

43:50

Um, we want to learn leadership skills.

43:52

You know, we want to learn, we want to optimize our

43:54

physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. You

43:56

can't do that all by yourself. I

43:58

mean, you can, but you're going to have.

45:53

Anytime

46:00

a man wants to join the alliance, he fills out an application

46:03

and then he chooses through that application What

46:05

is most meaningful for him? There's five choices marriage

46:08

parenting leadership finances health 80% we

46:12

and we've helped thousands of guys to date

46:15

80 plus percent of men have

46:17

identified one of the things that they

46:19

want most is to create an incredible

46:22

marriage with their wife right Those

46:24

things that does not happen

46:27

By accident and here More

46:31

I laugh about this because I was the more and better guy

46:33

forever But here's what I'll tell you when a guy

46:35

comes and joins us. I'll ask him like what do you most

46:37

want? I want I want a better marriage. I'm

46:39

like, okay better and I'm like, what

46:42

is it about your marriage that you want better? I

46:44

want better communication. I was like, okay. Well, what does

46:46

that mean?

46:47

Well, I want I want more communication.

46:50

I was like, okay Well, if you had more time

46:52

to communicate with your wife, what would that

46:54

bring you and they're like Well,

46:56

I don't know we would talk about more we'll talk

46:58

about what? Well,

47:00

I don't know we would talk about like our feelings

47:03

and our visions for you can tell they're just trying

47:05

to figure it Out as they're talking which is great But

47:08

they don't they're not clear on it and I was like so

47:10

if you had more time

47:12

That would get you there and

47:14

I was like so in order for you guys to talk about

47:16

Your your relationship your vision your dreams

47:19

your fantasy all this other stuff, right? You have

47:21

to create an environment of psychological safety for your wife

47:23

and you that you guys can talk about these things you

47:26

have to

47:27

Know how your wife communicates

47:29

and how you communicate So like for instance like you

47:31

and I are dudes right if I come to

47:33

you and I'll be like, hey John Like this is going

47:35

on in my life. Well, well, well, you know, I'm

47:37

not exactly sure what to do And if you sit there

47:40

and be like, yeah, it sounds rough. I'd be like

47:43

I'd be like from dude to dude. I'd be like, what do you think

47:45

I should do about it? Right, you know now

47:47

when our wives come to us, right? And this is what

47:49

a lot of guys don't understand. This is where more and better

47:51

comes in a

47:52

Lot of when women are talking to us

47:55

right when our wives are talking to us They're

47:58

not looking 80% of the time. They're not looking

47:59

looking for us to solve their problems, right? What

48:02

they're actually looking for is connection. So

48:04

when they're talking to us, you

48:07

know, like you come home, right?

48:09

And you're like, hey,

48:11

what's your day been like today? And they're like, oh my gosh, it was so overwhelming.

48:14

You know, the water company called, I forgot to pay the bill.

48:16

We just got another medical bill, you know, from Mason's

48:19

emergency room, it's $2,500. And,

48:22

you know, Colton was acting out today, blah, blah, blah.

48:25

As a man, I immediately be like, what,

48:27

that

48:27

really doesn't sound like that big of a deal. Like, we'll just pay

48:29

the late fee and put on, and what

48:31

I just did to my wife was, I completely

48:33

invalidated her. Your wife has

48:35

three basic needs, to feel seen, to

48:38

feel heard, and to feel safe. And

48:40

when we communicate and not learning

48:42

these skills, we actually do the opposite

48:45

of that. So what I, if I respond to my wife,

48:47

even though it makes total sense to me, like that's not that big

48:49

of a deal. We'll just do this, we'll do this, this. She'll

48:51

sit there and be like,

48:53

did you not just hear me? Like I, and

48:55

so what she doesn't need in that moment, she doesn't

48:57

need you to solve the problems. What she needs is to

48:59

be seen and heard. So I'll be like,

49:02

oh yeah, yeah, that's overwhelming. Who

49:04

wouldn't be overwhelmed? Tell me more about that.

49:07

And then immediately it's like intimacy,

49:10

it's connection. And that's the, so when

49:12

a guy says, I want more and better, I was like,

49:14

you have to become a

49:16

boss at validating your wife's feelings.

49:19

You have to be able to see her by labeling

49:22

her emotions. Don't just listen to her words.

49:25

Listen for the emotion that she's probably feeling

49:28

and put a label on it, right? That sounds overwhelming.

49:30

Who wouldn't be overwhelmed? Tell me more about that. When

49:33

you label somebody else's emotion and how it

49:35

lands for your wife psychologically is it calms

49:37

her down, it connects her to

49:39

you,

49:40

and she suddenly feels this elevated

49:43

intimacy with you. And she wants to

49:45

tell you more. And a lot of guys are sitting

49:47

there thinking like, I still have to override that operating

49:49

system of like, am I

49:51

even being useful right now? Shouldn't

49:54

I tell her how we should solve this? But that's not what

49:56

she needs in that moment. So more and

49:58

better is knowing like, okay.

49:59

so she needs to feel seen, heard, and safe. So

50:02

I need to learn the skills in order to operate

50:04

within that manner. That

50:06

is what will get you more and better.

50:09

It's not just more time, and it's not

50:11

better time, it's what to do in those moments.

50:13

I've been thinking a lot about this more versus better. I think

50:15

we all, as men, we want, whether

50:17

it's about sex, whether it's about connection, whether

50:20

it's about time, whatever it is, you

50:23

know, it's so right. It's like, how do you be intentional?

50:25

How do you make that time work? How do you make that, come

50:27

back for that one weekend, make that weekend awesome,

50:29

like plan it out, have the conversation,

50:32

make sure you like hit the time for like really

50:34

having time with your wife, where it's just you guys.

50:36

Get some individual time with each kid,

50:39

have the time where it's the whole family together. You

50:41

know, how do you design that rather than just go,

50:43

go, go, go, go, try to create as much as possible.

50:47

And it's important. Men, our

50:49

three basic needs is to feel appreciated,

50:52

respected,

50:53

validated, and everything you just said,

50:55

right? It's like, man, like at the end of the day, like

50:58

we so does, and this is good for both men and women

51:00

who listen to your podcast. Cause yes, we're

51:02

talking about men, but one thing that

51:05

we teach guys around

51:07

communicating with their wife is like, hey,

51:09

communicate with her.

51:11

What is most meaningful for you when it comes to

51:13

appreciation, tell her those things, or

51:15

catch most importantly, catch her doing it, right?

51:18

What does it mean for you to be respected

51:21

by your wife? Right? What is it, what does

51:23

that look like for you, right? To be respected.

51:26

So like, for instance, now that your female

51:28

listeners know those three basic needs, one of the other things

51:30

we teach our guys is that when

51:33

your wife does something like, so if my

51:35

wife comes up to me and she's like,

51:37

thank you so much for working as much

51:39

as you do for us, it allows me to stay home. And,

51:42

and, you know, it's just, it's, and like,

51:45

I mean, I think a stereotype typically got,

51:48

people think guys need that physical,

51:50

sexual, physical part of the relationship.

51:53

You, if a woman tells her man,

51:56

I appreciate how hard you work for us. It

51:58

means so much to us.

51:59

the skies open up for us. We're like,

52:02

Oh my God. Like, so we always tell our guys,

52:04

think about the three to five things that make

52:07

you feel that, that you feel most

52:09

appreciated, most respected, right? Most

52:11

loved, right?

52:12

Catch her doing those things and communicate them,

52:15

right? And communicate them very, very clearly

52:17

because that's what will,

52:19

I think it's, you know, when those things happen to be like,

52:21

Hey, thank you so much. You like it, you know, acknowledging

52:24

them and, and, and showing your appreciation.

52:26

Is that what you mean? So there's two different ways to do it.

52:28

Number one is catching them up. And then you're like, Oh, I'm going to get them

52:30

in the act, right? It's kind of like, so for instance, when we catch

52:33

our kids in the act of doing something like Mason

52:36

brought you home a poster from

52:39

state wrestling, right? So when we

52:41

catch our kids doing something right, we always link

52:43

it to a characteristic trait. So it's like Mason

52:46

and when he gave to him, I was like, Mason,

52:47

that was so generous

52:49

of you to think of your brother. That was so kind

52:52

of you to think of how to give him that. Yeah.

52:55

And so like, that was, you know, that's cool. And

52:57

the same thing is true for your wife. Now my wife

52:59

and I, we use this skillset called

53:01

generative questions a lot where we can manufacture

53:03

those things. So like, for instance, one of the questions that

53:06

we'll ask ourselves sometimes even on a weekly basis

53:08

is over the past week,

53:11

what were a few things I did that made you feel most

53:13

loved?

53:14

What was the things I did that makes you feel most appreciated,

53:16

right? That way I'm constantly learning.

53:19

She's constantly learning and we're constantly having

53:21

this conversation. So it's like,

53:23

Oh, it's that? Oh, well, perfect. I can

53:25

do that more. Right. And then you do more,

53:27

right? More and better. That's the thing.

53:29

That's the specific thing that moves the needle. Well,

53:31

I can do that more. I can do that better. And

53:34

because I do that thing now

53:36

our relationship and our communication is better

53:39

and more. Right. Yeah. I dig that. I dig

53:41

that. Thank you, man. And, um,

53:43

can you just talk about some other routines? I know that

53:45

you have talked about that you leave

53:48

your, your boys notes. Yeah.

53:50

Which I think is super cool. Um,

53:52

I just heard that the other day and I was like, Oh

53:54

shit, I gotta start doing that. That's great. Is

53:56

there other routines that you sort of like are, or,

53:58

and you know, maybe, like just a couple

54:01

that pop into mine that really

54:03

have worked for you or that you really dig or have worked for people

54:05

in the Alliance. Yeah so I'll

54:08

share and again crowdsource

54:11

wisdom this isn't this isn't my idea

54:14

but I'll share you share one with you and

54:16

every other listener that one of the most simplest things it's actually

54:18

came from one of our guys in the Alliance and

54:21

so he got on one of our calls and

54:23

he was like man he's like my whole house

54:25

is completely turned around the morale is better when

54:28

I come home from work my kids hug me they're

54:30

waiting for me at the door when I asked him to do their homework

54:32

or chores that I don't get put up

54:34

a fight anymore and like my wife has

54:37

even been more receptive we've had more intimacy

54:38

and we're like alright dude do tell

54:41

like what are you doing and he's like I've

54:43

made one shift he's like every

54:45

time someone makes eye contact with me I smile

54:47

at them and I was like and we're all like

54:50

that's it he's like that's it

54:52

he's like and because of that I've just really

54:54

noticed I told myself for the next 30 days I'm gonna

54:56

do that just one thing and that's the only thing I'm changing and

54:59

because of that all these other things are happening I was like holy

55:01

crap is it really that simple like yeah it is but

55:04

as far as like routines go yes I leave

55:06

my kids notes but here's here's a great idea

55:08

that your listeners can use I have

55:10

no financial interest in vista print by the way but

55:13

but I'll share with you what I do so

55:15

about every year what I do is I make custom

55:17

postcards for my boys and

55:20

it's

55:20

it's just a picture of

55:22

them at like a high point moment

55:25

or a beautiful memory that we've had one of Ethan's

55:27

that I use is well you can tell them what the photo

55:29

is on it yeah so it's when

55:31

we went to Vegas and saw

55:33

Hoover Dan and we got the cool view like

55:36

on the other side of it and we took a picture right

55:38

there and that's what you usually use for the the

55:41

cards and it's really cool yeah

55:43

and like what the like the cool filters and

55:45

make it look a lot better and like the live legendary

55:48

on it it's awesome yeah

55:50

so

55:50

it's like a high point moment that they're proud

55:52

of or we're proud of or whatever and then I'll

55:55

just write a note I'll slip it in their Chromebook and

55:57

their lunchbox you know and then what it went when they

55:59

see the photo

55:59

But what it does for them psychologically, it brings them back

56:02

to that beautiful moment. And then they flip it

56:04

over. And usually I try to do

56:06

something where I acknowledge and appreciate something about

56:08

them. And it's something really, really recent and I'm

56:10

specific about it. Like, hey, I saw

56:12

you do this and I appreciated it because, right?

56:15

Your kids actually have the same three basic needs as your

56:18

wife. And it doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl, seeing, hurt,

56:20

and safe. So when you do that, they

56:22

feel seen, right? And

56:24

that's something that just really deposits for

56:26

them. So that's one thing, yeah, the notes. The other

56:28

thing too, our dinner table

56:31

at times is

56:35

absolute freaking chaos. Like there are little

56:37

ones talking over, big ones, adults trying to talk.

56:40

One of the things that we've been doing here lately

56:42

is like, hey,

56:44

let's each go around the table, pick

56:46

one person and think

56:48

of something that you appreciated about

56:51

them or you saw them do

56:53

something that you appreciate,

56:55

right? And then suddenly the table

56:57

gets quiet and everybody's actually taking turns

56:59

talking. And I did this, we

57:02

had

57:03

some major tragedies happen and

57:06

literally all this happened within two weeks and you could just

57:08

feel like the heaviness and the

57:10

morale as we were all sitting at dinner, everybody's

57:13

morale was just kind of low. And I

57:15

did that. And I did that

57:17

and one of the coolest things about leveraging

57:19

these skills, right? Is that you can, it's

57:21

almost like seeing the matrix.

57:23

You implement one of these skills and you do them

57:26

and it's almost like you can see the matrix

57:28

and the agents, right? You can zoom out from the

57:30

situation, you can see things unfold. And

57:32

I said, guys, I was like,

57:34

it's been a really rough couple of weeks. I

57:36

was like,

57:37

let's go around the table and acknowledge

57:39

and appreciate each person here for something that

57:41

you saw them do over the past seven days. And my 15

57:44

year old's girlfriend was there and I just sat

57:46

back

57:47

and I literally just watched.

57:49

Everybody's morale go from here to here.

57:52

People were suddenly smiling again. The

57:55

family was connected again. There was

57:57

happiness, there were smiles. There

57:59

was just like.

58:00

man this is exactly what we freaking

58:02

needed right so that's a routine as

58:04

well but I think

58:07

if you can implement some

58:09

beautiful questions to pose your family with over

58:12

dinner

58:13

also do that you know at the end

58:15

of the day it's awesome whether or

58:17

not your kids give you a thoughtful answer or not leaving

58:20

them notes where you specifically

58:22

appreciate them about something

58:25

those are routines that I literally like lay

58:27

the foundation very simple stuff but it just

58:29

sets such a beautiful foundation in athletics

58:31

I feel like especially in youth athletics everything's

58:34

very heightened it's very people people lose

58:36

lose sight of their own behavior very quickly

58:39

I mean we've all been at that you know

58:41

the little league baseball games or you know

58:43

like rolling obscenities or yelling it's just

58:46

like wow dude you're like really awful

58:48

but like they're really like like spiraling

58:51

out of control and you get to really see things for what

58:53

they are what are some examples

58:55

of like fathers or parents that

58:57

are sort of trapped in their own ego

59:02

what are some examples of that and then and then

59:05

what are some ways that you feel that they can break

59:07

out of that that you've learned about to break out of that

59:09

oh my gosh such a great question so

59:12

let's just talk about the elephant in the room of the ego

59:14

of like well if I need help

59:16

being a father I must

59:19

be a poor father that's your ego talking

59:21

right like

59:23

let me break the news right now

59:25

none of us really know exactly how to do this

59:27

the best way possible that you know the

59:30

title of my book coming out is the pursuit of

59:32

legendary fatherhood my publisher was like why

59:34

don't you just call it legendary fatherhood I was like because there ain't

59:36

no such thing I was like there's

59:38

the pursuit of it but there's not like no one got to

59:40

the top of the mountain being like hey you know I did it

59:43

but there's the pursuit of it the ego

59:46

really plays a huge part in this and here

59:48

and this is where I really want to flip this on its head

59:50

it

59:52

used to be I remember when you and I kind

59:54

of grew up like our generation if your parents

59:57

were

59:57

going through counseling

59:59

oh my god God, that stigma,

1:00:01

you're broken. Your

1:00:04

family's so screwed up. You're so screwed

1:00:06

up. That is so not true,

1:00:08

right? And it's still to this day, a lot of

1:00:10

people are like, well, if I have to go to counseling, oh man, I'm really

1:00:13

broken. Or if I need help, I'm really, really broken.

1:00:15

That is your ego.

1:00:17

But when someone, here's the funny thing. Hey

1:00:19

man, I just hired a personal trainer. They're like,

1:00:22

oh wow, you have arrived. Right? You

1:00:24

have a personal trainer? That's amazing, right?

1:00:27

That's a coach. That's someone who's leading

1:00:29

you, right? That's someone who has created

1:00:31

the path already and who's helping you, like your boxing

1:00:34

trainer and all these things, right? So

1:00:37

be very, very careful about what you label things,

1:00:39

right? Like we all need

1:00:41

mentors. We all need coaches. Your ego

1:00:43

is the one that's gonna keep you from your best life. Your

1:00:45

ego is gonna be the one like, oh no, no, I

1:00:48

shouldn't need that because that says I'm broken. It's

1:00:51

actually a true moment of courage when

1:00:53

you step into that boxing gym

1:00:55

and you're like, hey coach,

1:00:57

I don't know a whole lot, but

1:01:00

I'm willing to learn. That's the

1:01:02

release of ego, right? And that is

1:01:04

what actually makes you a better

1:01:06

fighter. It's not because you trained on your

1:01:08

own, right? Here's one funny story. Do

1:01:11

you watch the UFC at all? A little bit. Okay, do you know

1:01:13

Frankie Edgar? I know who he is, but yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:01:16

Yeah, he holds the most minutes

1:01:18

in the cage. So I had him on my podcast.

1:01:21

I flew up to New Jersey and was at his house

1:01:23

for his podcast and he and I were joking about this very

1:01:25

same thing. I was like, if we could

1:01:27

just flip this situation around because he had a very similar

1:01:29

question. I said,

1:01:31

I know a little bit of martial arts, right? But

1:01:33

if I got, he's 140 pounds, five

1:01:36

foot six, right? I'm six foot one, 170 pounds. I

1:01:38

was like, if I got in the ring with you,

1:01:40

like I might last 17, 18 seconds

1:01:43

at the most right now, right? And I'd

1:01:45

step out of the ring and all my friends and family be like,

1:01:48

what did you expect? Like you got pummeled.

1:01:51

Like what did you expect? Like, you know,

1:01:53

I just, if I need a trainer, then I'm broken,

1:01:56

right? And now

1:01:58

on the flip side, if I went out and got in,

1:01:59

got some training and I trained for for three months,

1:02:02

I might add, might last like 23, 23. Yeah.

1:02:06

Five or six more. Right. But

1:02:08

I would probably do a little better, but it's because

1:02:10

I'm

1:02:11

like, Hey, I'm not going to fight this guy on my own.

1:02:13

I'm not going to fight this battle on my own. I don't have

1:02:15

the knowledge. I don't have the skills. I need to

1:02:18

learn. And that's really okay. Well, guess what?

1:02:21

Being a married man, raising young people, raising

1:02:24

young kids,

1:02:25

the same rules apply.

1:02:27

And if you can't do it on your own, welcome to the club.

1:02:30

Right. Right. You

1:02:32

know what I mean? If you were to talk

1:02:34

to each of your kids, uh, what would, what

1:02:36

would you think that they would say about

1:02:38

you as a dad? Like what, what, what would they

1:02:40

say about you? Um, that's great. And

1:02:43

what would they say that that's not so great?

1:02:45

Oh boy. You don't have to go kid by

1:02:47

kid. Yeah. Or felt

1:02:49

like, or what they would say, you know, overall,

1:02:52

would be, I, so I'll speak for three. I'd

1:02:55

love to hear Ethan. I'll let you think on that

1:02:57

one. And by the way, it's just, I don't care what you

1:02:59

say, just be, be honest. Like, yeah,

1:03:01

don't, you're not going to embarrass me. I think my, all

1:03:03

my dirty Landers out there. Um, so

1:03:06

gel on that for a second. I would say my 15

1:03:09

year old and I, um,

1:03:11

the, the good thing that he likes, I think

1:03:13

about our relationship is that

1:03:16

a lot of times no words need to

1:03:18

be said.

1:03:19

Sometimes, you know, I always feel compelled

1:03:21

to have conversation. He's more of my quiet guy. And

1:03:25

sometimes it's just sitting next to him and

1:03:27

I'll just like put my hand on his back just

1:03:30

to be like, I'm here. Even

1:03:32

if you don't want to talk. We also

1:03:34

love fitness. I work out with

1:03:36

Ethan. I work out with Mason. I would say he probably loves

1:03:38

doing anything active with me. Um,

1:03:41

as far as, you know, things that I

1:03:44

do that he doesn't like, it's, I'm

1:03:46

always on him to be responsible,

1:03:49

to pick up

1:03:49

after himself. And sometimes I can be a little in

1:03:51

his face about it. Um, the

1:03:54

other thing too is my love for him.

1:03:57

Never is about how he's performing on the football

1:03:59

field. although the wrestling matter, his grades, you know,

1:04:02

it has everything to do. I always say it's the man,

1:04:04

the character that you're becoming has very

1:04:06

little to do with the other things, right? You're focusing

1:04:08

on the character and all those things. The other things will come. My

1:04:11

nine year old, I

1:04:13

would say,

1:04:15

he loves when we go out to breakfast

1:04:18

or we draw together. Right now my

1:04:20

nine year old is writing a book, a kid's book

1:04:22

called Always Get Back Up. You

1:04:24

know, we write books, we wrote that, he

1:04:26

wrote it and we're kind of doing it together. My

1:04:29

six year old, he's about the easiest thing in the world to please,

1:04:32

sorry, my seven year old. It doesn't

1:04:34

take a lot to please him at all. It's just literally

1:04:37

spending time with him. But I would

1:04:39

say he's at that age, and Ethan and I were just talking

1:04:41

about this this morning. He's at that age where we're constantly

1:04:44

having to redirect

1:04:46

him and course correct because he's a seven

1:04:49

year old. Yeah,

1:04:51

he's making seven year old decisions, right? But

1:04:53

I would say we're in this season

1:04:55

with him where we're always

1:04:56

course correcting, right? And

1:04:59

I would say that probably gets on his last

1:05:01

nerve. So yeah, but you wanna take

1:05:03

the, cause I don't know what you're gonna say, but go ahead. Like

1:05:06

just some things that I appreciate about. Things

1:05:09

you appreciate and things that maybe not

1:05:11

so much. Okay, well. It's not ideal.

1:05:13

Yeah. First thing I hate

1:05:15

is if, no. I

1:05:18

guess the things that I really like is that

1:05:21

you like to,

1:05:22

like back to apologizing

1:05:25

and stuff. I think it's awesome that you do that because then

1:05:27

I think, cause I know you don't wanna ruin the relationship

1:05:30

with like anyone. And I think

1:05:32

it's really cool that you do that. I love

1:05:34

that a lot.

1:05:35

And I think it's not a

1:05:37

big fan of is how

1:05:39

you harp on yourself about

1:05:42

something super stupid or

1:05:44

just getting mad at something really stupid.

1:05:47

Like if you have a rough day, you're

1:05:49

like, all right, I gotta keep my cool. I

1:05:51

gotta get patient. Here

1:05:53

we go. Like some, a Colton

1:05:56

or

1:05:56

Lawson or someone just does something you don't really

1:05:58

like and you're just like.

1:05:59

I'm going to lose my cool. So when

1:06:02

we're really wound up as adults or even kids

1:06:04

or whatever, like, oh my gosh, like this is really testing

1:06:06

me. I don't know why this is happening. And this is pissing me off.

1:06:08

Aloha. One thing that we ask

1:06:10

ourselves and of each other and our family

1:06:13

is, Hey man,

1:06:14

I see something's going on. What

1:06:17

is the right next thing? Usually

1:06:20

what happens is, is that poses another beautiful

1:06:22

generative question. If it gets me out of that state

1:06:25

of like, I'm in chaos right now and there's a lot of thoughts

1:06:27

going on. I'm losing my patience or this or that. I'm

1:06:29

stressed out.

1:06:30

Wait a second. What is the right next thing? Well, the reading, meaning

1:06:32

what, what do you mean by what is the right next thing? So

1:06:35

like, for instance, um, when you can stop,

1:06:38

like every, every man, every father

1:06:40

goes through these cycles of like, maybe they've lost

1:06:42

their, like you have a bad day at work. Um,

1:06:45

you're overwhelmed. You don't have patience, you know,

1:06:47

and then things just kind of start to snowball and

1:06:49

then just start to snowball in your mind, right?

1:06:51

Like, man, why can't I be more patient? Why can't I communicate with

1:06:53

my wife? Why can't this? So I really,

1:06:56

really poor questions.

1:06:57

But when you ask yourself timeout,

1:07:01

what is the right next thing? And

1:07:03

the right next thing poses a question in your mind

1:07:05

of like, what is the solution here or

1:07:07

what's something I can make towards a solution?

1:07:09

Right. Right. Right. Right. You know, versus being stuck

1:07:12

in this psychological loop of why

1:07:14

can't things be better and being led by sort

1:07:16

of your frustration or your spiral? Like how do I

1:07:18

get out of it and let just start moving towards, right?

1:07:20

Being solution. I love that. And then, um,

1:07:23

I know how deeply moral you are and I, I

1:07:26

know, uh, I find that with a lot of

1:07:28

your guests and a lot of, uh, a lot of like, what I

1:07:30

think the Alliance stands

1:07:31

for is this, is this, um, morality.

1:07:34

But at any point does that morality,

1:07:36

you know,

1:07:37

is there a way to be moral without

1:07:39

being judgmental? And in some ways like in

1:07:41

being a parent, like, is there any, is

1:07:43

there any benefit for sort

1:07:46

of learning about these, these, these

1:07:48

other sides and being, being, being able to be

1:07:51

sort of cogent in it, if that makes, makes

1:07:54

any sense. I think so. Yeah. So,

1:07:57

I think you just answered, I think your own

1:07:59

question, which is.

1:07:59

is I had a guest on Beidouros

1:08:02

Koulian. He is the founder of

1:08:04

the Squire, which is a rite of passage and all

1:08:06

that. He said a quote,

1:08:09

which I thoroughly believe in, which is best lessons

1:08:11

in life are caught, not taught. So

1:08:14

for instance, if we want

1:08:16

our kids to be able to have

1:08:19

conversational excellence with anybody

1:08:22

from any walk of life, you have to

1:08:24

be able to walk that talk under your

1:08:26

own roof. You have to be able to teach those skills

1:08:28

under your own roof. I would put Ethan in any

1:08:30

situation with any human being on the

1:08:32

planet. He is like

1:08:35

an empathetic conversational

1:08:37

boss. Like he really, really is. And

1:08:39

here's what I'll tell you. And I wanna answer this

1:08:42

question a bit broadly just for men in

1:08:44

general.

1:08:45

Men who come in and do

1:08:48

self-development work, right? Any type

1:08:50

of development work. A lot of men

1:08:52

don't really identify themselves

1:08:55

as really worth it.

1:08:56

In fact, there's a lot of guilt that's involved with like,

1:08:58

if I take time and resources

1:09:01

away from my family to make me a better

1:09:03

me, well, that's selfish. And that's

1:09:05

wrong, right? And

1:09:08

we always tell people that we always tell the men,

1:09:11

it's one of the most selfless things you can do. And

1:09:13

the whole thing about like whether or not you're worthy,

1:09:16

think of it this way.

1:09:18

The work that you choose to do as

1:09:20

a man, husband and father and the work

1:09:22

that you choose not to do as a man, husband

1:09:24

and father, it doesn't start and stop with you.

1:09:27

A lot of men think that. My development

1:09:29

starts and stops with me. It doesn't.

1:09:33

What the work that you do

1:09:35

and how you do it will

1:09:37

trickle into your kids,

1:09:39

will trickle into your grandkids. This

1:09:41

is actually legacy work. So like for instance,

1:09:44

if you wanna learn how to communicate better

1:09:47

with your kids and be able for your

1:09:49

kids to be put in an environment where

1:09:51

they can relate to anybody, relate to anybody's

1:09:53

story, whether it's race, whether

1:09:56

it's faith, whether it's means or whatever,

1:09:58

then be willing.

1:09:59

to to

1:10:01

conversate with them as such and

1:10:03

expose them to those situations as

1:10:06

such. Because I could tell Ethan

1:10:08

all day long, you know, hey, here's how you have

1:10:10

a conversation with somebody. But

1:10:12

it's different if I have the conversation

1:10:14

with him, right and put him in those

1:10:17

situations. So the secret

1:10:19

to fatherhood is I could tell we could

1:10:21

tell our kids all day long, this is what

1:10:23

you do and this is how you do it, but they never see

1:10:25

it.

1:10:26

Those words just do not matter at all.

1:10:29

I remember there was a time when my friends and

1:10:32

I in high school, we were all in like pretty serious

1:10:34

trouble, like pretty serious

1:10:36

trouble with the law and you know,

1:10:38

and for like a violent crime,

1:10:40

you know, not something we started, but something we definitely

1:10:43

finished and it was bad. And

1:10:45

I remember like my dad and

1:10:47

my best friend's dad

1:10:49

sort of approaching it so differently.

1:10:52

And my dad was sort of of the mindset,

1:10:55

look, by all means necessary.

1:10:58

We like keep these kids

1:11:00

out of the system, like whatever

1:11:02

it takes. Like we just, we

1:11:04

defend this, we figure out a way to keep them because

1:11:06

once they're in that system, it's

1:11:10

beyond our control and we don't want to lose them that way.

1:11:13

And then I remember my friend's dad sort of being

1:11:15

like, no, let them go.

1:11:16

Like let them feel this. Like

1:11:18

who cares? Like that will teach

1:11:20

them more than anything else. And I remember growing up

1:11:24

thinking that like my friend's dad,

1:11:26

like

1:11:28

asking myself, like, is that a bad father?

1:11:31

Like is that not, and thinking

1:11:33

my dad, like what a great dad. But

1:11:38

the truth is, you

1:11:40

know, as we went on, that kid never really got

1:11:42

in trouble again and I kept getting in trouble over

1:11:44

and over and over again. My pops always had my

1:11:46

back. It was the one thing that like made

1:11:49

my life different than anybody else that I was sort of dealing

1:11:51

with when I was getting in trouble with this system is there

1:11:53

was always somebody sort of waiting outside for

1:11:55

me. There's always somebody, as soon as I get out,

1:11:57

he was there and I'm so.

1:12:00

I'm so grateful for that. And I tell my

1:12:02

kids no matter what, like I'm always

1:12:04

gonna be by, like no matter what I will always be

1:12:06

there. But it's tricky, man. That's

1:12:08

it, that's it. It's really, really tricky. And

1:12:11

I just wonder about that. I don't know if that's

1:12:14

a question. It's more of a,

1:12:16

I don't know if you, if you got something on it great,

1:12:18

if not, I did.

1:12:19

So I love that question. You

1:12:23

have 2020, I was pulled over.

1:12:26

You know, whole family. Is

1:12:28

there anything more humiliating than being pulled over in

1:12:30

a minivan? Like, I mean, granted,

1:12:33

like we have flames on it and a spoiler, man.

1:12:36

Hit the nitrous. But no, we

1:12:38

were going through this small little

1:12:41

town, never been through, we were on our way to

1:12:44

like a whole day. It was a couple hours away from home and

1:12:47

got pulled over. And like in this little small

1:12:50

town in Missouri, right? The sheriff, right? Who was just

1:12:52

waiting for somebody outside of his city to

1:12:54

be like, who am I gonna teach you? Let's say I'm

1:12:56

gonna come through my town, right? This

1:12:59

cop pulls me over, I'm going 50.

1:13:01

And he pulls me over and I rolled down my

1:13:03

window. And literally in my mind, I'm like,

1:13:06

I have the opportunity to be either a cop out

1:13:08

here or I have the opportunity to just

1:13:10

own my shit in front of my family. So

1:13:13

I rolled down my window and I really did not know why he was pulling

1:13:15

me over. And I said, he

1:13:17

said, you were going pretty fast. I said, I was,

1:13:19

I was like, because I

1:13:21

was in a 50, right? He goes, you were

1:13:23

until you crossed the school zone. I

1:13:25

was like,

1:13:26

oh, I was like, what's the speed limit? And he said 35.

1:13:28

And I said,

1:13:30

yep,

1:13:31

I got zero excuse. I was like, I didn't see the sign,

1:13:33

but that's not, that's on me.

1:13:36

And I thought, to be honest, I thought the honesty

1:13:38

would get me out of the ticket. And he went back to his car,

1:13:40

not in my town, boy, right? It comes

1:13:43

back, gives me the ticket. And the funny thing

1:13:45

is, is that was back, that was three years ago, but I constantly

1:13:47

refer back to that when we have conversations like

1:13:49

around the kids grades or performance or whatever else. I'm

1:13:51

like, hey, you know,

1:13:53

if you got an F on the test, right?

1:13:56

It's not because the teacher did this or this

1:13:59

or that or this. excuse for that.

1:14:01

It's on you. Just like it's not

1:14:03

the cops fault that I didn't see the speed

1:14:05

limit. It's not the cops fault that I didn't.

1:14:08

I had never been in that town. I could have came up with 10

1:14:10

excuses. Bottom line is I

1:14:12

was wrong and I need to I need to own that.

1:14:15

So I think there's some ownership in that to

1:14:17

teach that on the flip side. I mean

1:14:20

I can I can empathize and sympathize

1:14:22

with both situations where I want to keep my kids out of

1:14:24

the system. But I could also be like

1:14:26

no you need to feel some pain. I think

1:14:28

that a good common

1:14:30

ground is so like I've

1:14:33

I've seen my kids go through

1:14:35

pain right of like having

1:14:38

to you know they get enough or they

1:14:40

do this or they do that right. And

1:14:43

my job I always

1:14:44

in my mind my job is not

1:14:46

to save you

1:14:48

right.

1:14:49

But I'll walk through it with you.

1:14:51

Yeah. I'll be there with you side by side. I'm

1:14:53

not going to leave your side and I'll be there with

1:14:55

you through this whole thing. There

1:14:57

are times where I

1:14:59

can maybe help and depending on the

1:15:01

situation I will help and there are some other times I'm

1:15:03

not going to do anything and I'm just going to allow

1:15:06

you to feel it. And trust me a lot. I

1:15:08

think as a young man or our kids they

1:15:10

look at your dad and be like well gosh you have no

1:15:13

idea. Like this is so hard.

1:15:15

Well it's actually easier for me

1:15:17

as your father to throw you a golden parachute.

1:15:20

Right. It's easier because I don't want to go through that pain either

1:15:22

just as much as you're feeling pain of whatever is you're

1:15:24

going through. I'm feeling pain going through with you and

1:15:27

I could save us both a lot of pain if I just save

1:15:29

you from it. But that's not going to

1:15:31

teach you anything right. It's the

1:15:33

failures you know it's the people that

1:15:37

that fail. It's the people that make mistakes

1:15:39

right. I mean the reason you know you went

1:15:42

through that situation and you went through different situations

1:15:44

and so did I growing up of like oh wow yeah

1:15:47

feel that. I'll never do that again. Holy crap.

1:15:49

And it wasn't because somebody saved me because I felt the pain

1:15:51

of it. But I think

1:15:54

I think we have an opportunity as fathers

1:15:56

to always have a message of

1:15:59

not going to abandon you.

1:15:59

you

1:16:01

like like listen man I'm here for you right or your

1:16:03

daughter like listen sweetheart I'm here with you right

1:16:05

we're gonna have to go through some stuff I'm

1:16:07

not gonna leave your side that's right you don't have to go

1:16:09

through it alone but it is gonna hurt a little

1:16:12

bit let's just walk through it together yeah

1:16:14

that's right yeah that's beautiful that's

1:16:16

beautiful um do you have

1:16:18

do you have anything before

1:16:20

we stop you have anything for me I do

1:16:22

I do have something for you okay

1:16:25

I would really just love to know and I've

1:16:28

had just some amazing

1:16:31

you know high-level people celebrities you know mcconaughey's

1:16:33

come on the podcast and stuff like that and we've had

1:16:35

like these you know

1:16:37

pro athletes and

1:16:39

the

1:16:40

thing that I'm always fascinated of

1:16:42

and I've always been a fan of yours

1:16:45

but it's not necessarily because of the work that you do

1:16:47

like it's because I've known

1:16:49

your story and I and even

1:16:51

now I've gotten a really good glimpse of like the

1:16:53

person you are the man that you are but

1:16:56

what I'm really curious is

1:16:58

you know the

1:16:59

world wants a piece of you at

1:17:01

all times all you have to do is open up your

1:17:03

phone and there's 20 million

1:17:06

things that people need from you being you

1:17:08

know your example of you know being on planes

1:17:11

and like I get back home and like being

1:17:13

stretched so thin

1:17:15

for the common man even

1:17:18

just having a nine-to-five it's hard sometimes

1:17:20

to be like oh my god I just have

1:17:22

just been dealt like a shit sandwich all

1:17:25

day at work and people need everything

1:17:27

from me and I'm spread so thin I don't know

1:17:29

how I can even give anymore

1:17:33

and I really respect and honor you guys

1:17:35

who are operating at this elite level where millions

1:17:37

of people know you

1:17:39

and my wife and I just had this conversation of like

1:17:42

I don't know if I would ever want to be famous

1:17:44

like at that level like it would scare

1:17:46

the shit out of me like people think it's glamorous

1:17:49

I think it's extremely hard

1:17:53

so I'm curious for you somebody who's operating at that

1:17:55

level where at any point in time people want or

1:17:57

need something from you

1:17:59

like how do you have

1:18:01

enough leftover at the end

1:18:03

of your days and stuff like that? Yeah, man. I

1:18:05

mean, good. Yeah, good question. I mean, I, you

1:18:07

know, I think all

1:18:10

of this comes back to intentionality

1:18:13

and, and, and, and why you're doing

1:18:15

what you're doing in the first place. I've talked

1:18:17

about it a bunch of times. Baseball coach in college

1:18:20

used to say it's such a mental thing being up at that,

1:18:22

the plate. And you'd

1:18:24

say that, you know, it's so mental.

1:18:26

And when you start getting bad thoughts and

1:18:28

you start spiraling out of control at the plate,

1:18:31

you're never going to hit the ball. And

1:18:33

if you don't step out, you're just going to get

1:18:35

sucked into that spiral and it's not going to work.

1:18:38

But what you need to do is you need to step out of the batter's box

1:18:40

and you got to remember why you're doing it in the first place. Like, why

1:18:42

do you play ball? And if you need to go back to the first

1:18:44

day, go back to the time when you just loved it, when

1:18:47

you just love the game, right? And

1:18:49

I think for me, you know, the,

1:18:52

I love,

1:18:54

you know, that, you know, acting,

1:18:57

you know, it legitimately

1:18:59

saved my life. Like this, this, this, this

1:19:02

art, this craft, although I hate when

1:19:04

actors use that word, but I love

1:19:06

it. I love, I love doing it. I

1:19:08

love the relationships that

1:19:11

it affords. I love the

1:19:13

collaboration, the different

1:19:15

kinds of folks coming together to build something together,

1:19:18

something that we're all taking a real risk

1:19:20

at that we can all fail deeply at every

1:19:22

single time we go out. I love having the

1:19:24

stakes that high. I'm amazed

1:19:27

and thrilled and like overwhelmingly

1:19:30

freaking grateful that I get to

1:19:32

do it.

1:19:33

You

1:19:35

know, not just like at the level that I do and with the people

1:19:37

that I get to do, but that like I have opportunities

1:19:40

that it's like it blows my mind. And there was 10

1:19:42

years of struggling and crying

1:19:44

in my pillow with my wife's ICU trauma

1:19:46

nurse and me just saying, it's not going to work.

1:19:48

It's not going to work. And her gently

1:19:51

reminding me that, you know, she's in there seeing

1:19:53

people literally at their lowest and that perspective

1:19:56

saving me. And it's something that my

1:19:58

wife and I, we built this together.

1:19:59

She used to come to plays when

1:20:02

I was bouncing. That

1:20:05

was really my job. She'd come to plays where there's more

1:20:07

people on stage than the audience, you know? And she

1:20:09

was like, you're good at this, you know? And I

1:20:12

can't believe that this woman like

1:20:14

fell for that guy. Like, his

1:20:17

dream was impossible and I was really good at nothing else. So

1:20:21

I'm overwhelmingly grateful.

1:20:24

The fame thing or like being known,

1:20:26

the negative outweighs the positive in a lot of ways.

1:20:30

But if that is sort of the price

1:20:32

that you pay to be able to do what

1:20:35

you love to do, I'd take that any

1:20:38

second. Like, it's worth it.

1:20:41

You know, you got to be incredibly intentional about what you're doing. And

1:20:44

you got to be where you are while you're there. And

1:20:47

I really try

1:20:49

to leave my phone in my truck. I do

1:20:52

suffer from burnout, but like I do try

1:20:54

to like just like be there as much

1:20:56

as I can. And when I'm there, I really try to be there.

1:20:59

And that's the reason why I don't live in LA. I

1:21:02

live in a small mountain town where everybody knows me as Billy Henry

1:21:04

and Addie's dad. I don't know if that

1:21:06

answers it fully. That's a lot. But I mean, I think

1:21:08

that like, yeah, being where you are while you're

1:21:10

there is huge and

1:21:14

always leading with gratitude. Yeah.

1:21:19

I think you said it beautifully

1:21:19

is be where your feet are at. And

1:21:22

I think that's one of the hardest things sometimes

1:21:25

to do as even

1:21:27

a normal father, you know, but I'm

1:21:29

always so fascinated by that. I'm like, my gosh, like

1:21:31

if if if the average dude like

1:21:34

struggles with this, what is it like for these guys?

1:21:37

Like, I can't even imagine or fathom, but

1:21:40

I appreciate you answering that. You have time for one more? Yeah,

1:21:42

sure. Of course. Well,

1:21:44

I want to put you in a situation. Okay. You're

1:21:47

cool with it. I want you to fast forward 20

1:21:50

years from today.

1:21:52

So your dad's a man. He's this is

1:21:55

why I love his show. That's why. Yeah.

1:21:58

Anyway, sorry. Go ahead.

1:21:59

You've been married for 20 years longer.

1:22:02

Your 11 year old is 31. 10 year

1:22:05

old is 30. You're seven, right?

1:22:08

You said seven? My baby's seven, yeah. Seven, 27

1:22:10

years old.

1:22:12

You and your wife sitting around dinner,

1:22:16

kids are probably married at the time. Maybe

1:22:19

you even have grandkids at that point. But

1:22:22

you just hold up your cup and you say, hey guys,

1:22:24

I just wanna take a moment here. I just want you

1:22:27

to share what's been most

1:22:29

meaningful for you guys over

1:22:31

the past 20 years. What

1:22:33

would they be telling you that hasn't happened yet?

1:22:38

What would they be telling me

1:22:40

about their last 20 years? Yeah, with

1:22:42

you. With me and I really. With you and

1:22:44

the family and yeah, the things that were most

1:22:47

meaningful to them.

1:22:48

What I'm most excited

1:22:51

for and hopeful for and

1:22:54

ultimately will be proud

1:22:56

of and am proud of for

1:22:58

my kids is the quality of their

1:23:01

relationship, the depth of the love that they have

1:23:04

for each other

1:23:06

and for their friends and

1:23:09

for their cousins and for their family and their

1:23:11

grandparents, their aunts and uncles, their

1:23:13

animals, their pets.

1:23:16

It was funny, in

1:23:18

our little town, usually we shoot

1:23:21

the podcast up there. We do this

1:23:23

bar called the Deer Lodge, which is

1:23:25

this old biker bar, which is kind of

1:23:27

like a home away from home for

1:23:29

me. It's this great place, man. And as

1:23:31

a family once a week,

1:23:34

with all the dogs and the kids, we

1:23:36

hike from our backyard. It's about a

1:23:38

three mile hike. We cross this river,

1:23:41

we go up this mountain and we walk to the Deer

1:23:43

Lodge and we have dinner. And

1:23:46

there's one time where my wife and I were hanging

1:23:49

out. And this

1:23:51

was like a couple of years ago and

1:23:53

my wife and I were hanging out and like sometimes

1:23:55

we go and we eat, but there's also this pool table and

1:23:58

sometimes the kids just like play pool.

1:23:59

And we just eat out there and talk and hang out. We

1:24:02

know everybody in the town. So we

1:24:04

were hanging out there and my kids were all playing

1:24:06

pool.

1:24:07

And my wife just said, oh my gosh.

1:24:10

I said, what? And she said, I just had this vision. These

1:24:13

guys are going to be right here

1:24:15

playing pool 20 years

1:24:17

from now with each other. And

1:24:20

I think that's it. I think that their

1:24:22

love

1:24:23

for each other, how they've been there for each other.

1:24:26

My kids are still at the age right now where they

1:24:28

go at it. And

1:24:30

sometimes they'll

1:24:32

be mean to their little sister, dude. And if

1:24:34

you want to see one way to get

1:24:36

me not in my best set, it's like when they

1:24:39

go after their little sister. That

1:24:41

does something to me that, dude. And

1:24:45

they do it. And I always say, my brothers

1:24:47

and I fought. And

1:24:50

I just always say, look at that person. That

1:24:53

is your best friend. They are going

1:24:55

to be with you till the end. That is the biggest

1:24:57

gift you will ever have on this planet is

1:24:59

that sibling, that brother, that sister. That's

1:25:02

the only person at the end of the day. You know

1:25:04

what I mean? It's such a gift. That's

1:25:06

what I hope and I believe I will be

1:25:08

most proud of is how they have supported

1:25:10

each other and how much they love each other and how much

1:25:12

they recognize, how much great gratitude they

1:25:14

have for each other and the closeness

1:25:17

and the strength and richness of those relationships.

1:25:19

Man. You

1:25:21

know, it's always fascinating when I

1:25:24

love that answer, by the way, because

1:25:27

whenever we fast forward to

1:25:30

the future

1:25:31

and we envision the family, it has very

1:25:33

little to do with fame, how

1:25:35

much money we have in the bank, the cars

1:25:37

that we're driving, like the stuff that we chase

1:25:39

like all the time. It has everything to do with the connection

1:25:43

and the relationships. And dude,

1:25:45

thanks for that story, by the way. Are you

1:25:47

adopting? I'd love to

1:25:49

hike with you guys. Come on, man. Come

1:25:51

on up, dude. We're open, bro. We're

1:25:53

open at Ojai. Those are awesome memories,

1:25:56

man. I'm just envisioning your family sitting

1:25:58

around the table and being like, how are you?

1:25:59

hiking up to that place, you know, where we

1:26:02

take the dog, we'd have dinner and then we'd hike back. Like

1:26:04

that's cool, man. It is cool, but you know, I think

1:26:06

it's also important for the audience

1:26:08

to know, because like I hear things like that too, and I'm

1:26:10

like, wow, like why don't, and

1:26:13

I think you go to a place of why don't I have that?

1:26:15

But the truth is, is like you do. Nobody's

1:26:17

got this thing licked, you know what I mean? And

1:26:20

that's the beauty, you know? It's

1:26:22

striving towards something and

1:26:24

having that image, and you're like going towards it with

1:26:27

everything you got, you know? Yeah,

1:26:29

you're talking

1:26:29

about like zooming out from the situation

1:26:32

and appreciating what's unfolding in front of you, which

1:26:34

I think is, it's

1:26:36

an incredible skill set, you know, to look through that appreciative

1:26:39

lens. So those are cool

1:26:41

stories, man. All right, I'll do it. Yeah, I'm just

1:26:43

envisioning, I want to see you dance like that too. Oh yeah,

1:26:46

I'll do it, man.

1:26:47

Yeah, I'll do it, man.