Episode Transcript
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0:08
Hello and welcome to the Moonologue Sessions by
0:11
Quirky Voices. We're
0:14
excited to share with you today some monologues
0:16
inspired by the moon landings of 50
0:19
years ago today, and
0:21
none of this program would be possible
0:23
without the amazing Patreons for
0:25
Quirky Voices. So Alma,
0:27
Artists Soapbox, Audioblivious
0:29
Productions, Cheyenne
0:31
Bramwell, Christine, Hazel, Karim,
0:34
Karen, Kirstie, Matthew,
0:36
Michael, Paul, and William.
0:39
This is for you. For you,
0:42
are legend. Enjoy.
0:46
Oh, and this awesome music is
0:48
by Carlo Xan -
0:51
enjoy!
1:10
Welcome to The Moonologue Sessions,, an
1:13
outer spiral arm of sharing winning audio
1:15
monologues from those who entered and won their words a
1:17
place.... On a rocket ship to the
1:19
moon. Oh
1:21
the moon! The moon. Such beauty,
1:24
such craters.
1:26
Some say it drives us crazy, but
1:29
some of us were crazy to begin with. Sure. I'm
1:32
your narrator, Bret. Pleasure
1:34
to meet you. Anyway...To the rocket
1:37
ship! We join our intrepid heroines Tanya
1:39
and Sarah having a bit of chat, and eating chocolate
1:41
bravely...Oh, so bravely! They're on their way
1:43
to the moon for some well earned rest, and peace from
1:46
the lawnmowers and traffic
1:48
in general. And hubbub. Having built
1:50
their rocket ship out of old
1:52
tech and audio plugins and mic stands and pop shields,
1:56
and with the rockets, every movement fuelled by the speaking
1:58
of words, they must speak or else use
2:00
the speech of others to realize their dream of
2:02
becoming...
2:13
THE FIRST FEMALES ON THE MOONY LUNAR SURFACE, EVVERRRRRR!
2:13
L oony surface more like (Snorks). Brett.
2:17
Brett... You have got an
2:19
awesome n arrator v oice. Do you know that?
2:21
Oh, thank you very much. Bye.
2:25
He mooned me! Cheek!. Well,
2:29
cheeks...Bye.
2:29
Byyyyye! Screen off.
2:33
You’re a terrible flirt
2:36
Sarah . Just sayin‘...
2:37
Thank you! Yeah, I think I might
2:39
put that on my CV.
2:40
Oh my God.
2:41
It's not flirting. It's just
2:43
being nice. Yeah.
2:45
Uh huh. Yep . So
2:48
here we are, Sarah , you
2:51
and me - orbiting the earth, fuelled
2:54
by 14 slices of moon
2:56
writings written to celebrate the
2:58
moon landings that happened...50 years
3:01
ago today. Wow. How
3:04
old were you then?
3:06
Hahaaa, yeah, I was but a - a twinkle
3:09
in my ma and pa’s eye thank you very much.
3:12
Although um...My husband's 50 this
3:14
year... Too, yeah, October, so so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MAYAN! (Sings badly) A-happy birthday to you...
3:20
No, no, don't sing Sarah
3:23
.
3:26
(Muffled as Tanja puts her hand over Sarah’s mouth) I’ve got my...But I’ve got my ukelele.
3:26
Great. More fuel!
3:27
No dont throw it in the... Ahhh.
3:31
Your hand...your hand, tasted like , like...
3:33
Cheesy cookies.
3:35
Nice.
3:37
I should , um , I should text
3:40
him if I'm going to be away for a few days before
3:42
we, before we lose the signal.
3:47
Who?
3:47
I forgot.
3:48
Sarah , you're much more Drunk Helen in real
3:50
life than I thought you were .
3:52
I thangyaw!
3:52
It's a compliment. Don't worry.
3:53
I would drink to that, but ...you wont open the bar yet...
3:56
....not till we're closer! We need
3:59
to name it first anyway.
4:01
Okay. Well I named this
4:03
bar....
4:07
You named t his bar...space b
4:10
ar?
4:09
Yesssss...
4:09
Oh my
4:12
God! Not sure I'm
4:14
going to last three days with you like this!
4:16
Oh c’mon! We’ll have a lovely time! Uhm, We, we‘re
4:20
slowing down. You need some fuel. I. I think you
4:22
should read the first one ...get the fuel Really burning
4:24
with the - the first Moonologue of Joy!
4:28
Me?
4:28
Yeah! Well, Who else am I going
4:30
to ask?
4:30
Nabu.
4:32
WOOF!
4:32
The boo bear !
4:33
Your dog?
4:33
Bark. bark!
4:33
No. He's
4:36
lovely...but I... I can't believe you bought him.
4:38
I mean where's he going to do a p-
4:39
How’s about my mascot? Mister Twinkletoes? Hello,
4:42
Mr Twinkletoes.
4:46
H mm.
4:47
(CREEPY VOICE) Hallo Tanja! How can I help you?
4:51
Byyyy not saying another word for the moment
4:54
because you are... Quite
4:56
creepy and I don't
4:59
know why I actually brought you.
5:00
No, no, he's , he's
5:03
very creepy, Tanya
5:05
.
5:07
Thank you. I like being creepy.
5:11
I get more creepy...if I am.....ignored.
5:17
Yeah. I suppose we could ask
5:19
him to...? Actually no,no...just put
5:22
him away somewhere. Strange
5:25
staring eyes on the h airy robot
5:27
thing. Did you really have h im in your cot when
5:29
you were little and just... Just
5:32
staring and... hairy and...
5:34
A-ha...
5:36
Uh , I...give The best...cuddles...
5:40
Oh my God, that's...creepy. Okay.
5:42
Twinkletoes...shh! But um, Yeah.
5:46
Tanja, you go on. You start before
5:47
uhm, before we lose the light completely
5:49
to... To venture onnnn to....the dark
5:52
side of the moon!
5:54
I love that album. Okay.
5:57
Well, here goes Somethin‘! Moon...by
6:00
Haydn Davis....narrated by
6:03
Tanya Milojevic. I walk
6:05
along a long, lonely,
6:07
dark alleyway. My
6:10
senses are alive. I'm
6:12
a little bit scared - Two attacks
6:15
in my past flitter across
6:17
my mind like phantoms. W
6:20
as that a n oise behind me? I
6:22
spin around. Nothing. No
6:25
one. Just
6:28
the dark....dead...silent night.
6:33
I return to my journey. I
6:36
l ook to the sky. Dark
6:39
clouds - barely
6:41
discernible from the starless dark
6:43
sky - float across my view,
6:45
making me feel a pang of vertigo.
6:49
I look straight ahead, shaking
6:52
off the feelings of dread and...sickness. Up
6:55
ahead, I suddenly see a
6:57
gleam of light...a narrow
7:00
silvery beam cutting
7:02
across the alleyway about
7:04
100 yards ahead, illuminating
7:07
the rough ground. Part of
7:09
the bare, rotting fence
7:11
on one side, and tangled undergrowth
7:14
on the other. The
7:16
monochrome view that greets me
7:17
- all be it a welcome change
7:20
from the cloying dark - is
7:22
never-the-less... Unsettling...and
7:26
I hear my breath catch in
7:28
the back of my throat. My
7:30
pace s lows... as my heart rate
7:33
quickens noticeably, and
7:36
once again I look behind
7:39
me. This time...this
7:43
time a shadow of a figure is
7:45
barely visible in the distance. No
7:49
more than a slightly darker part
7:51
of the surrounding view. T
7:54
here i s no doubt that someone
7:56
is there... Following
7:58
me. Suddenly,
8:01
the luminescence that was confined
8:03
to a single ray envelops
8:04
me, and I
8:07
look up to see a gigantic
8:10
full moon above me. It
8:12
seems to have banished the clouds
8:15
that once obscured it, and itsS
8:17
cold light flows
8:20
over me. I
8:23
look back to the shadow of the figure
8:25
following me, and with a
8:27
Deep, Gutteral, Volpine growl, start
8:30
t o r un towards it.
8:35
RAAAAAAA
8:35
Woahwoahwoah get off me you werewolf wannabe! Actually, if
8:39
you don't mind me saying...you do need...a.. shave.
8:42
Charming!
8:42
Yes I am!
8:42
No you’re not!
8:42
Woahhh! I thought
8:46
you put ‘ im away....
8:47
Did you know you’ve got one long
8:50
hair coming out of your chin?
8:51
Yeah. ‘ Course!. It's for
8:54
...good luck. Yeah. You'll
8:56
get one when you're my age. You never
8:58
know when you might need a long hair hmm
9:00
hmm? So.... Ow! Twinkletoes
9:05
pulled out my hair!
9:05
Gross! God, that's
9:10
long.
9:10
How did you do that? So creepy robot. Wow.
9:13
Yeah. That is long though. It's ...a...bit weird.
9:17
Um, changing the hairy subject. Do ya think, the moon landings
9:19
ever happened?
9:20
I don't know . I mean, the
9:23
stuff we saw on TV.... Really
9:26
kind of leads me to believe that it's true.
9:28
But ....why haven't we
9:30
advanced since then?
9:33
Why aren't we going to Mars? And you
9:35
know, and I don't mean Rover. I mean
9:38
like.... Why aren't people settling on a
9:40
different planet by now? But...
9:42
I don't know. I mean it was pretty realistic
9:44
and money didn't go into it, I
9:47
guess....not enough money
9:49
since the space race. So like, I
9:52
mean, that could be why.
9:55
I don't know . I guess my short answer is ...I
9:57
don't really know. I hope so.
10:00
Well see, I found this groovy
10:03
monologue from, from James Powell, the infamous
10:05
American screenwriter . He -you know, the fella? Anyways,
10:08
have a listen to this!
10:13
The Apollo moon landing franchise that never
10:15
was. My name is James
10:18
Pell, and I am the uncredited
10:20
screenwriter for the 1969
10:22
summer blockbuster.... The moon
10:24
landing. People talk
10:26
about Stanley Kubrick's brilliant vision.
10:28
Like.... I didn't write out the step
10:30
by step instructions. (Laughs) Oh,
10:33
well, you know, he did manage to find some
10:36
ways to put his ...y’know...personal stamp
10:38
on it. The script , uh,
10:40
my script called for a shot
10:43
of a , uh , still unmoving
10:45
American flag. But you know , Kubrick thought
10:47
the imagery of a blowing flag
10:49
would make for a much more ‘pro
10:52
American Apple pie shot’
10:54
as he called it. So that's how we
10:56
ended up with that uh...ridiculousness! Oh...‘one small
11:03
step for man, one
11:05
giant leap for
11:08
mankind’. Remember that little
11:11
gem? Yeah.
11:13
Well, All me! Well uh, that's
11:16
a , it's not entirely true. I
11:18
will say that Neil
11:20
Armstrong and I worked together on
11:23
....crafting his famous line. But
11:25
if I am truly being
11:27
honest with myself and ....with
11:30
you, then I should probably
11:33
admit that I did about.....I'll
11:36
say , uh , 85% of
11:38
the work and Neil’s...., 10%. Amember
11:41
of craft services came up with the a
11:43
one giant leap bit, so, y ou k now, t
11:45
hey, they, they get about, we'll say
11:47
5%. Before that
11:50
we were a , you know, considering a, ‘a hop,
11:52
skip and jump for mankind’
11:54
or a, a ‘bunny hop for all
11:56
of humankind‘ or something.
11:59
U h, I really felt
12:01
that we uh should feature the
12:03
word ‘hop‘, cause at the time, the public
12:06
was uh, really latching o
12:09
nto the zeitgeists of, u h, of
12:11
all the songs i n popular culture
12:13
that had featured the word hop
12:16
or had a bunny in it. U
12:18
m, and at the time when we were first conceptualizing
12:21
it, we were awfully close to Easter,
12:23
u h, for our release date, and I thought
12:26
maybe we would make it in time. So
12:28
putting an Easter bunny reference in there would
12:31
have probably been ideal. I,
12:33
I've grown to accept it and,
12:36
u h , a ppreciate it for
12:38
what it is, u
12:40
h , r egardless of
12:42
it s, u h....banality. Uh
12:47
, t hen Neil f****ed up his
12:49
lines anyway, you know, u
12:51
h , t he, the, the man was at w as a
12:53
...was a terrible, terrible, improviser,
12:56
but you kn ow w hat they say about actors and astronauts?
13:00
Oh, it's, u h , i
13:02
t's ....pretty funny....what they
13:04
say. Oh, well, u
13:06
m , y ou know, u h , s o , so, so once I, u
13:09
h , I , you know, I turned in the final draft, I,
13:11
I lost, you know, ALL creative
13:13
control over the project, which is, you know,
13:15
cry me a river, cause that's the story
13:17
of every amazing screenwriter. You
13:20
know, a man in black, u h , i
13:22
n a black suit, u h , g ave me a cheque
13:24
for $35,000, and then drove
13:27
away in a black Cadillac,
13:29
which at the time- $35,000 - I was
13:33
...over the moon, so to speak. Uh! Oh,
13:37
well, you know, right away I, I
13:39
went and, and bought myself a black
13:41
suit and a Buick. I, u
13:43
h , c ouldn't afford a Cadillac yet, but,
13:46
but it was coming soon. I could
13:48
feel it. At the time I
13:50
thought I'd finally made it. I envisioned
13:53
the moon lending as
13:55
an Epic trilogy.
13:58
Eventually we'd be able to spin it off into an entire
14:00
cinematic universe, a
14:02
shared universe, if you will.
14:06
I already started writing a s e quel. Se e, Ne
14:08
il i s a d e bt a nd buzz along with an overwhelmed
14:11
rookie astronaut for a partner is forced
14:14
to travel back to the moon in
14:16
1971 to find out
14:18
why, why, what you ask? Ha! That's
14:22
what everyone else was asking at the time. But
14:25
the third was going to be something...
14:27
Bigger, something to do with lunar
14:29
land rights an d c olonial disputes.
14:32
I wanted to get into the politics
14:34
of colonization and
14:37
stuff like that. Important
14:39
things of the time. But I
14:42
hadn't written it out yet. I just, I
14:44
didn't want to get ahead of myself, but, u
14:46
h , I had a lot of notes.
14:49
I watched in awe
14:52
on July 20, 1969 - not
14:57
at the television screen, but... At
15:00
all the faces enraptured by
15:02
...our ...art. Noone
15:05
watching the moon landing that night
15:07
would ever....be the same
15:09
again. Pleased with our opening
15:11
night success. I sat back and
15:13
I waited for their call. I
15:15
...I just stared
15:18
at the phone... I would sit there at my
15:21
recliner with a whiskey
15:23
in hand, a...cigarette pressed between
15:26
my lips, just squeezing
15:28
the life out of it with it waiting.
15:30
I planned
15:34
to play a little ha rdball d uring negotiations.
15:37
The first film was a hit and that meant I had some
15:39
leverage now. Wasn’t about
15:42
to squander the opportunity, but,...but, that
15:46
call never came. The studio
15:48
decided to hire a new team
15:50
of writers and proceeded to churn
15:53
out five - count them - five
15:55
sub par sequels in
15:58
three years. Apollo 12,
16:00
Apollo 14, and Apollo 17
16:02
were MAJOR flops, and
16:05
largely ignored by the general public. By
16:07
1973 it was clear
16:10
that the American people were bored
16:12
with the moon, and the plug was officially
16:14
pulled on the moon landing franchise.
16:17
The ruined it. We cou ld've ha d it ....all
16:20
cou ld ha v e ha d it all. Recently, I've
16:24
heard the Space Force rumours, and
16:27
with what they're planning to do now, they know....
16:30
It's goi ng to ta ke a REAL creative genius
16:32
to pull it off. Y’know. If
16:35
my phone rings, (Laughs) if my
16:38
...country needs me
16:41
...again. Yeah. Yeah.
16:45
I will....I’ll answer that call. God bless
16:50
America! PEACE.
16:51
MUSIC FADES OUT
16:54
Well, that's food for thought.
16:57
Could Space Force be real?
17:00
I wonder if they have cool uniforms .
17:02
I'd love to be in Space Force... Like
17:05
.....vocally, not, not actually.
17:08
Probably be a bit ....sick. I mean, I haven't
17:10
done many ...space things
17:11
lately... Voiced
17:13
I mean... Bit of Girl in space, Marsfall, Astral Queen...
17:15
Hm! I've done
17:18
a few. Marsfall, Vast,
17:22
Edict Zero... Star
17:24
Trek Outpost. So
17:26
wait, why are we going to the moon again?
17:28
We....are going to the moon to
17:30
be the first all
17:32
female -
17:32
...and Twinkletoes....
17:32
....and Twinkletoes.....
17:40
Ohmygodwheredidhecomefrom? And...Twinkletoes.
17:40
WOOF!
17:40
Boo bear! And Nabu!
17:42
Ok, the first All female, and Twinkletoes
17:45
toes and Nabu..
17:45
....and your
17:47
freshly plucked. Inhumanly
17:50
long lucky chin hair.....
17:52
...Aannnd My freshly plucked inhumanly long, lucky
17:54
chin hair rocket mission to land on
17:58
the moon, Innit. Yeah. Yes
18:00
. This is a sharing of, of a live recording
18:02
of people's winning monologues sent to Quirky Voices,
18:04
and performed all the way up here
18:06
innnn spaaaaace. Yeah
18:09
. No effect there, no? Then beamed
18:11
across this wondrous universe...
18:14
For literature, for Art,
18:16
for....adventuuuure. And
18:20
um, hello if you're listenin....
18:21
Hiiiiii.
18:21
It’s me, S arah.
18:24
Hello!
18:24
And thats...Tanya. So
18:26
yeah, listener , um, probably
18:28
just, just, my mum and
18:30
dad , um, if you go outside, and
18:32
and and take a look up
18:34
from, from wherever you are - but don't
18:36
let that front door close on you again, cause you
18:38
know the problems that caused last time - So just
18:40
go on out. Out you go right now! Go on.
18:43
We can wait a bit., can’‘t we Tanya?
18:44
A bit...
18:44
So go
18:47
outside, even if it's like 4:00 AM and just,
18:49
just try not to wake everyone though, a nd, and you go
18:51
out and look up, and you might just
18:54
spot us, orbiting the planet,
18:56
and doing thousands of miles per hour above
18:58
your heads and just, just
19:00
breathe in the earth’s air, stop.
19:04
And, a nd and properly look. Okay.
19:06
Just, just take a moment to
19:08
take in the vast sky
19:11
of stars. More vast in
19:13
numbers t han any brain could ever properly
19:15
understand. Pinpricks
19:18
of light travelling light years to your eyes, while...while
19:20
I'm talking about it to your ears - s’amazing! And...whilst
19:24
you’re there, just, just
19:26
have a little wonder.. L ike I am now, as I...stare out of our make
19:29
s hift r ocket window down on earth
19:31
a nd, and beyond. A nd wonder... I
19:34
s there, is there anyone
19:37
staring back at us ...other
19:40
than OHMYGOD? TWINKLETOES GET OUTTA MY FACE!
19:42
Sorry.
19:42
Is there uhm....SorrywherewasI? Is
19:48
t here u m, is there anyone ...staring
19:50
back at us, hmm? Other
19:52
than a....(exasperated noise) ...a.... Dog doing a poo!
19:54
WOOF WOOF WOOF.
19:54
Tanja....can You seriously try to stop
19:57
him doing that...theres no air in....I'm trying
19:59
to concentrate on being wistful and, and contemplate
20:02
our existence in this universe. And all you...Oh my
20:05
god. It’s floating! It's
20:07
floating!....Whats aaa...aaahoooaaaa.....
20:09
Nabu! Good boy!
20:12
WOOF.
20:12
Oh my God,
20:14
that’s where the house key went...
20:15
Aarrghhh (Wretches).
20:15
BARK.
20:15
I was looking for
20:17
that for weeks...
20:17
(Wretches).
20:17
...couldn't get in
20:20
...for a couple of days. I have a...
20:21
Where you g onna wash that? Uh, please
20:25
put that p oo bag in The fuel system...it stinks in here now. Aaah! Actually, why
20:30
has no one i nvented stenchlless poo, a nd soundless
20:31
planes? Hm? And Don’t get me started
20:34
on lawnmowers... Anyways, where
20:36
was I? Hah! Yes. Wistful wistful
20:38
wistful.... A nd, and, and us, me
20:40
and Tanya, Twinkletoes, Nabu and, a
20:43
nd my one ridiculously freakishly
20:45
long chin hair. Well, if you
20:48
look up, you might see us... We‘re like a
20:50
- a blue f lash s peeding across
20:52
t he s ky, c ause we're going...so Fast.
20:54
See, we've just
20:57
fired up the combustion fuel
20:59
injection word-in conglomeraters!
21:00
The...the, the...the what?
21:00
The combustion
21:03
fuel injection word-in conglomoraters! Yes.
21:06
It..it’s w here our words
21:08
go in ...just in here...
21:10
... Into that microphone?
21:11
Aha. And they , they push
21:13
fuel out to , to power the engines
21:15
back there, next to the emergency
21:17
lawn mower and toaster power... Behind
21:19
us ...somewhere...there.
21:21
How does it do that?
21:23
Words...power rockets?
21:25
Aha. Um , pffffff.....science?
21:28
Science? That's all
21:31
you got?!
21:32
Yeah, yeah I mean, i sn't that amazing? We’re - we’re orbiting earth
21:35
cruising, and increasing speed by the power of voice
21:37
as fuel at the moment, as...we speak, BECAUSE...we
21:41
speak ....I mean... Sound fuelled rocket ships...GENIUS!.
21:44
Yes. I knew v
21:46
oice a cting would come in handy for something. Ah.
21:51
(Pause) Where are we over now, Tanya?
21:52
Um, seriously, you're asking me to look out
21:55
the window, Sarah?
21:57
Oh yeah . Yeah. Sorry. It was... I forgot. ‘Cause
21:59
you‘re so...but.... You
22:01
can see some things can‘t you, I mean it's not ...complete
22:03
blindness, is it?
22:06
Nnnooooooo.....Not complete blindness. Just enough to get me
22:08
into trouble.
22:08
You, are always trouble pal
22:11
. (Laughs)
22:13
Hey, can I use a telescope?
22:15
I might be able to see something with that...? Or a...a microscope...maybe. No,
22:23
that wouldn't work. I can see
22:26
blackness out there and space.
22:27
So, that
22:30
means there's nothing there. No obstacles,
22:32
which means I can pilot this thing! Let's do
22:35
it!
22:35
Yeah, let's do it. Alright, orrrr... Okay.
22:39
Welllllll.
22:39
You could ask me....Twinkletoesssss.
22:39
ArrghhArgh! Will You STOP
22:46
floating up on me! No,
22:49
I don't don’t want to ask you. Thank you. GoOverThere. (Clears throat) Um, we could
22:54
maybe ask, Nabu... does he communicate
22:56
in...in Barks?
23:01
BARK! WOOF! BARK!
23:01
Oh....You‘re soon to be...the first dog to be ...walking
23:04
on the moon....
23:05
Who is my luvly wittle guide dog?
23:05
SNEEZES. oh god. SNEEZES.
23:05
Who is? Oh! Nabu!
23:05
BARK WOOF BARK BARK.
23:05
Sneezes.
23:05
BARK
23:05
Lovely little guide dog.
23:17
SNEEZES. Oh. I....didn't tell you I was allergic did I? To
23:20
dogs?
23:20
...Only a few thousand times.
23:23
...Well at least my voice stayed the same this time.
23:24
Did you
23:27
hear that episode of We Fix
23:29
Space Junk where I was...
23:30
...Season two, episode seven. Yep
23:33
.
23:33
SNEEZES.
23:33
Hiccup. Change voice..fun!
23:37
Oh , he's scratching there again. He
23:39
hasn't. Um, he hasn't brought fleas with him has he....?
23:42
Sarah . Don't be crazy. You were scratching there too.
23:45
Yeah but, That's eczema though, isnit...’s different.
23:48
I'm sorry Nabu. I know
23:50
you are a gorgeous little fellow arent you, yes you’re a a lovly litle doggie...yesyouare. Oh
23:56
yeah, he’s scratching again. SNEEZES. Ugh.
24:00
Oh, that reminds me. We had this with this brilliant winning
24:02
script from Maya Peace, aged nine from England.
24:04
Do you want to hear it?
24:05
Maya Peace?
24:05
Yeah.
24:07
What a beautiful name!
24:07
..To protect the innocent. Oh,
24:10
this is a great one. You'll love it. SNEEZES.
24:12
The fleas
24:14
by nine-year- old Maya Peace, narrated by
24:17
Mads Upton . Sunday,
24:20
the 19th
24:24
of November, 1969. Dear diary, today the fleas
24:29
dressed from head to toe in blinding
24:31
white pajamas, with a metal
24:34
cylindrical foreign object - I
24:37
prefer to name them CFO‘s - strapped to
24:39
them, landed on me again, leaving
24:41
a small crater on my body. I was
24:43
scared... Of what they would
24:45
do next, and indeed, tried to shake
24:48
them off, but not to any avail. Instead,
24:51
I was orbiting earth
24:52
where they originated from, whilst acting terrified. They tortured
24:57
me, setting up a pointy and
24:59
sharp stick with paper on the end.
25:02
It had embroidered
25:04
red and white stripes on it, but a
25:06
quarter was with white stars, with a deep
25:08
blue background, and so it made me think
25:10
of my beloved home in space... uh...being
25:14
invaded by these strange people.
25:17
They also thought I was a place for them to live on
25:19
- their rocky bed. I
25:22
t was horrible! Listening to them loudly snoring.
25:26
I have negative feelings about the
25:28
scenario. I am...in
25:30
pain... The fleas think I am inhabited
25:33
by aliens, which... may be true.
25:36
They are unbelievably annoying
25:37
- I a m not to
25:39
be used as a sleeping bag, and I a
25:41
m just fed up with them coming here once
25:44
every couple of years. They
25:46
have disrupted my somewhat peaceful
25:48
life, in which I am perfectly
25:50
content without constant interruptions for six
25:53
months straight. Next
25:55
time I 'll b ring out my c annons. T
25:58
here'll be sure to do fatal damage to the internal
26:00
organs of the fleas. Not to mention the
26:02
oxygen tanks of those fairly big needles
26:04
they ride.... In comparison
26:06
to me.
26:09
Ah, the moon has feelings! Cool....
26:11
According to Ms Peace, Yes.... Because....
26:14
Speaking of which , um ...ahhh....Oh my
26:16
foot's gone to sleep. I think I need a little
26:18
walk on it once we‘ve listen to the next Moonologue. That's
26:21
right.
26:21
Moonologue? Love that. Nice!
26:23
Yeah. I think it was coined by Karen Heimdahl, Who, who.. Incidentally...wrote this next
26:27
piece...fun times! Right! I'm,
26:30
I'm off for a walk...or a...float...floaty Walk.
26:34
For all of three foot that way?
26:36
Yep.
26:36
You've got two feet already.
26:38
Yep. Three foot this way is uh , another
26:41
woman's 4,000, 700 million plus infinity mile journey the
26:44
other way I guess hmm? Yeah. Can
26:46
you um? Can you play them the thingy? If it's loud
26:49
enough....it might wake up my foot.
26:52
Well, of course. Here you go folks.
26:55
This is a moon monologue
26:57
by Karen Heindel. Valan
27:00
is a woman of color, and a
27:02
specialist, a mining engineer.
27:05
She's in her mid thirties. This
27:07
scene takes place in a mining base,
27:10
located at the South pole of the moon,
27:13
sometime in the late 2070s. Ooh,
27:15
will we still be alive
27:17
then? (Pause) Sarah? (Pause) Sarah?
27:19
(Pause) Oh,
27:24
she's gone.
27:25
....She’s behind youuuuu....
27:29
OHMYGOD he’s so sinister. How is he
27:32
a child's toy? And yes,
27:35
yes . I am behind you and yes, I hope
27:37
to be alive in the 2070s.
27:41
Yes , I am aiming to get to telegram
27:43
from my King one day.
27:45
Elvis is dead.
27:46
Yes....I mean the future.... Future King of England.
27:50
Oh, yes. A telegram.
27:53
How quaint. Won’t that be
27:55
lovely?!
27:57
’Chaika’, by Karen Heimdahl... Narrated
28:00
by Angelique Lazarus
28:03
Today.... I watched my daughter skip along
28:05
the Murray cognitive.... Braids
28:07
jumping inside her space suit. I
28:10
watched her skipping by the sea of knowledge,
28:13
knowing so much, and yet, so little.
28:16
She is so strong and
28:18
sure and brave and
28:20
trusting. I want to
28:22
protect her from all the dangers of the world and,
28:25
make her life easy and fun and
28:27
safe, but, I know that I cannot. She
28:31
turned and looked at me, just for a second.
28:34
Mischief glinting in her brown eyes, before
28:37
she started running in zigzags, creating tracks, Lunar
28:40
dust slowly swirling up around
28:42
her. I could hear her laughter
28:44
through the comm . She
28:46
ran up to me, and I lifted her up, and swung
28:48
her around like I used to do when she was three.
28:51
I might've struggled a little doing that now back
28:53
on earth, but moon gravity
28:56
means I'll probably still be able to do it...when
28:58
she's 18! I was the first
29:01
woman on the moon. I
29:04
took my first step here on August 27, 2069,
29:08
and I never left. One
29:10
small step for womankind, Right? Though there was
29:13
no broadcast, no media attention,
29:15
no pithy well-chosen words. 100
29:19
years after Neil Armstrong planted his
29:21
flag, and here was I, just an
29:23
engineer, sent to man - to
29:25
woman, In fact- a one person
29:28
mining base. (Pause) Everyone lost
29:31
interest in the moon, once Mars became a viable
29:33
option, with the successful Mars mission in 2024. (Speaking to unheard daughter) What
29:38
was that, sweetie ? (Pause) Yes,
29:41
go out and play if you want, just stay in
29:43
the protected zone. (Pause) No,
29:45
mommy has to finish this. (Pause) Yes,
29:49
you go! Don't forget to pee
29:51
before you get into your suit! Love
29:54
you too sweetheart. (Pause) I
29:57
am so lucky to have her. I
30:00
never thought I wanted a kid, and for
30:03
a long time I was so happy
30:05
on my own, but ...it was
30:07
written into my contract with Co
30:09
smo Corp t hat as I was away on an indefinite
30:12
mission during my reproductive years, I
30:14
could ‘request sperm
30:16
if I wished to procreate’Procreate’. And
30:19
I thought about it more and more ...about
30:22
bringing up a kid in this place
30:25
....about if I would be any good at this parenting
30:28
thing.... About if I could stand NOT trying.
30:29
(Pause) In the end
30:32
I realized I couldn't ....stand it that
30:34
is. So, I requested some
30:36
sperm (Giggles), and in t
30:38
he next supply crate there were five vi als f rom five
30:41
different men. No clue who they
30:43
are, or ...were,
30:45
I suppose. (Sigh) I got
30:49
pregnant on the third try. I
30:51
was fortunate to have a pretty uncomplicated
30:53
pregnancy. I only realized after
30:55
I actually got pregnant and did some proper
30:58
research, how dangerous even normal
31:00
pregnancies are, and what absolute
31:01
lunacy - pun definitely
31:04
intended - It was
31:06
to even consider being pregnant and
31:08
give birth all on my own. Of
31:11
course the contract was not drawn up by someone
31:13
with a uterus, let alone someone
31:15
who had actually given birth. So what
31:17
di d t hey know? (Pause) It
31:19
was ...horrible...but!
31:24
We both survived, and she was such
31:26
a happy and easy baby.
31:29
Good thing because I still had to do my job.
31:32
Mining on the moon is fairly automated tho
31:34
ugh, s o it worked out all right. I
31:36
remember reading about the first women astronauts
31:39
and how they got these ridiculous questions
31:41
about how they were supposedly abandoning
31:43
their husbands and children, and if they weren't
31:45
afraid they would get ‘hysterical‘ -Hate that
31:48
word - and not be able to control
31:50
their emotions once in space. I
31:53
guess some things change but ....plus ca changes....
31:55
Right? And now,
31:57
I have been debating whether I should send this out
31:59
into the void. I
32:01
should send something ...and
32:04
it might as well be this, I suppose.
32:06
I am hoping it reaches someone... Hoping
32:09
it reaches the Mars colony really, but.. If
32:12
not ...just someone....anyone. Earth is
32:17
...silent. It has been
32:20
182 days since our final
32:22
supply cra te, an d 164
32:24
days since our last communication with earth.
32:27
What I see from here is ...terrifying.
32:31
I think there was a nuclear war... In th e end.
32:34
From what I could piece together. The global governance
32:36
of Tel us br oke down, and the various
32:38
factions descended
32:40
into all out war... In a matter of weeks. (Sighs) There must
32:46
be survivors, right? They're
32:49
probably in bunkers hiding out
32:51
until it's safe to go to the surface. Yeah,
32:55
that must be it. (Pause) We're
32:59
okay. We can manage
33:02
with the greenhouse and th e animals. The
33:04
supply cra tes we r e mo stly for things like medicine
33:06
and clothes and entertainment and mining equipment.
33:09
And I have a stockpile of medicine and clothing that
33:11
should last us at least 10 years if we're careful.
33:14
Entertainment we can do without...mining equipment
33:17
is redundant now - of course. Why min
33:20
e for titanium when no one's there to buy it? I
33:22
have better things to do with my time. But it
33:26
would be nice to know... To
33:28
know we're not alone...to know
33:31
there is a possibility we could meet someone
33:33
else at some point. So, if
33:36
you hear this, let us know.
33:38
All rig ht? Thanks. I. (Sighs) Chaika...
33:48
Wait right there. I'm coming out
33:50
to play.
33:52
Oh, I love these mommy / daughter stories.
33:55
I mean, just
33:58
look, I mean, just look at the
34:00
earth from here. Hm? Think about,
34:03
all those people...just like, you
34:05
know, from 24 when they put all the
34:07
- the different pictures of things and then imagine
34:09
like , loads of those and ...ahhhh...it's
34:12
mind blowing, isn't it? No,
34:15
no borders, no segregation
34:17
of...vegetation. It's just
34:20
, just one big old
34:22
bluesy, Whitey greeny browny gorgeous
34:25
world... Like , Oh, it's
34:27
beautiful, isn't it?
34:30
Mmm... Beautiful.
34:30
It’s...quite nice.
34:30
OhmyGod. How
34:35
could you even see? You’re a ..Youre a... a Toy
34:38
robot! Is this thing actually
34:40
alive?
34:41
No.
34:43
Yesssss.
34:43
Freaky. (Collects herself). Oh,
34:48
did you see the ’Earth from space‘ episodes
34:51
by the BBC? T hat's amazing.
34:53
Seriously. I mean it's nearly as good as this
34:55
view, except..’cept I can‘t zoom in
34:58
and see iccle baby elephants....splashing in the mud...
35:04
SCOTTISH PODCAST THEME AS RINGTONE
35:04
Um , ‘ ang on...um... My phone’s
35:06
ringing. Sorry.
35:07
...You can still get a signal?
35:08
Yeah! Yeah That's weird, cause we’re right over a
35:10
black spot in the South of England where I never get a signal.
35:12
Oh look... it’s Fiona.
35:14
Helloooo?
35:15
(ON PHONE) Sarah! Hello?
35:15
Helleauuuuu!
35:16
(ON PHONE) Um...I thought
35:19
we were meant to meet in the pub for our planning
35:21
session?
35:21
Who is it?
35:22
Are you on your way...or?
35:23
Uhhh...ah.. Bum
35:26
.
35:27
Who is it?
35:27
ItsIt’s...Fiona Thraille o f of Dashing Onions.
35:30
I was meant t o, to meet her for a...
35:32
Helloo Fionaaaa? How you doin?
35:32
(ON PHONE) Helloooo Tanjajajajajajajjaaaaa....
35:34
So, Sorry Fiona..I'm going
35:38
to be late.
35:39
Well by how long? I can get a later
35:41
train.
35:42
Um, hang on. (WHISPERING) T anya. Tanya, Tanya,
35:45
Tanya. How long does it take to get to the
35:47
moon? Have a quick l ie down and a c hill, maybe a
35:49
game o’ tennis, jump off some Hills, bury
35:51
some treasure a nd, and maybe Twinkletoes
35:53
here, and then, and then get
35:55
back home?
35:56
I’d bury you first.
35:56
I don’t doubt
36:01
it.
36:01
Probably like ...six
36:04
to eight days....because it's
36:07
like 340,000
36:09
miles or more...
36:10
Mmm. Ah. Yes. (TO PHONE) So, Fiona, Yes.....About.... I'll
36:13
be about....six days.
36:17
(ON PHONE) What? You wouldn't be here for six days?!!!
36:19
Yes. Well because I've just
36:21
got to travel 348,000
36:23
miles and then back to the....
36:24
Oh, I can't wait that long. I've got to pick my
36:26
daughter up in two hours. Um,
36:29
Sarah...where exactly are you
36:31
and Tanya ...and Twinkletoes?
36:34
Um, sorry how did you know Twinkletoes
36:36
was here?
36:37
Oh, I sense his dark presence...
36:39
Ah! Fionaaaaa! Lonng time no speak.
36:47
No. Probably for the best.
36:48
Yeah...He's weird, isn't he ? Um , well
36:50
you, you , you’re never going to believe this, but we were on
36:52
our way to the mooohoohoooonnnn!
36:56
That's exciting. The real moon?
36:58
Yeah of course. Is
37:01
there another one?
37:02
I'm not at Liberty to say . So.
37:04
How on earth did you swing that one ?
37:06
Oh... Long story. And David
37:08
Ault helped... With his astrophysics.
37:10
He helped us create the ship and , and well, the rest
37:12
was sheer tenacity and, and really
37:15
stupid experiments with solder irons.
37:18
Um, actually...um whilst you’re here.... do
37:20
want to perform a monologue for us? Um , ‘cause
37:22
words, they fuel the rocket you see.
37:24
And well, you speak so beautifully.
37:29
Oh..um...Sure. What's it called,
37:31
and who's it by?
37:31
Well , the next one's called darkness by .....Oh. Oh,
37:35
that's , that's handy.
37:36
Oh, exciting. Here
37:39
we go. Are you sitting
37:41
comfortably?
37:43
It’s hard ...to sit in space Fiona.
37:47
Ignore him.
37:49
Ignnore him.
37:49
Yep
37:49
BARK
37:49
Oh! You have a dog?!
37:49
That's not my dog .
37:51
It's Nabu.
37:52
WOOF, BARK BARK, BARK BARK!
37:52
Yeah, he wants to
37:54
hear your story. Don't you Boy?
37:56
(ON PHONE) Marvellous. Then I’ll begin. (ECHOING IN AUDITORIUM) Darkness by
38:03
Fiona Thraille. Narrated
38:07
by ...Fiona Thraille. My people. What
38:13
I have to say to you today,
38:16
it's not an easy speech. It's
38:18
not a speech about how well our economy's
38:21
doing. It's not
38:23
a speech about our creation of 2000
38:26
new jobs last week. I've
38:28
already told you all about that. No,
38:32
this is a hard speech, because it
38:34
is personal to me. Even
38:38
leaders like me who were once
38:39
children -whatever the press
38:42
might say- children
38:44
who grew up reading about world
38:46
history; children who
38:48
grew up reading about humanity's
38:51
achievements - who were inspired
38:53
by the incredible scientific
38:56
breakthroughs that preceded our lives
38:58
on this planet. For me,
39:00
one of the greatest accomplishments
39:03
of the existence of the human
39:05
race, was us reaching
39:07
the moon. I 'm a
39:09
bit too young to have seen it h
39:11
appen live on TV, but,
39:14
like pretty much all of you. I
39:16
saw that very famous
39:17
footage - the first
39:20
steps on that dusty surface
39:22
of our n ighttime friend. In
39:25
that moment, I remember...
39:28
The sense of excitement I felt
39:30
...if we could walk on the moon,
39:33
well, we could reach
39:35
anywhere. Have
39:38
you seen that rocket they went
39:40
up in? Those brave astronauts?If
39:42
we could put something together like that
39:45
in the 1960s
39:47
then what can we do now?
39:51
And that's why this is so hard
39:53
to tell you all the truth,
39:56
but you need to know it. You
39:58
deserve to know it so
40:01
that you can act upon it.
40:02
(PAUSE) The moon
40:05
landings never happened.
40:08
Not because there were no
40:10
moon landings, but
40:13
because ...there is
40:15
..no ...moon. I
40:20
appreciate that you're wondering
40:22
about the sanity of your p
40:25
resident right now, and believe me,
40:27
I would prefer for me to be insane...than
40:30
for this to be the truth. But
40:34
truth,It is, and you
40:37
deserve to hear it. For
40:41
many years now, this country's
40:43
top scientists have been concerned
40:46
by the movements of the moon.
40:48
I t's constant nocturnal
40:50
presence above our country's streets.
40:52
But now, using cutting
40:55
edge analysis, those top
40:57
scientists ha ve f ound the moon
41:00
to be...the most sophisticated
41:03
artificial construction of espionage
41:05
we have ever known. An all-seeing, self
41:09
illuminating recording device,
41:12
scouring our co untry, when you
41:14
and I are in our beds, unaware of
41:17
this aggressive surveillance. We are
41:20
still awaiting official verification
41:23
of its origins. So I
41:25
call on you all now
41:27
not to jump to conclusions
41:30
about our neighbors and fellow citizens.
41:33
You understand, this involves
41:36
fake news on an unprecedented
41:39
level. Our en emies literally
41:41
rewriting the history books,‘
41:44
to include mentions of this
41:46
‘planetary body‘ to make
41:48
us feel as if it has always been
41:50
with us - as if it has
41:52
deep roots in our poetry,
41:55
in our art, in our
41:56
silence. So please,
42:00
my people. I impl ore you
42:02
, be patient with us...while we finalize
42:05
our conclusions, and
42:07
trust in us, that this will be met
42:09
with the absolute full force
42:12
of our defensive services. In
42:15
the meantime, for your protection,
42:17
we are instating marti al law
42:19
...with immediate effect. There
42:22
will be a Countrywide curfew
42:23
- 20 minutes before
42:25
dusk every evening until
42:27
sunrise. My dear
42:29
people. I know that
42:32
the vast, vast majority
42:34
of you will be glad to
42:36
cooperate in this. I
42:38
promise you, that we will deal
42:40
with this as fast as possible
42:43
and, unless you're a spy
42:45
trying to make contact with your people
42:47
via the moon s yste ms, this
42:50
will not affect your life at
42:51
all. To hasten this
42:55
process even more, My people,
42:58
I'd like us all to look around us.
43:01
Are there people we might know who
43:03
appear to follow patterns of the moon
43:06
surveillance? Someone in your
43:08
street who goes on ‘business
43:10
trips’ each month...perhaps...even a
43:14
family member....who claims to
43:16
mysteriously bleed in the same Moonphase
43:18
every month? Once again,
43:21
this is not aimed at the
43:23
vast majority of us all. There are
43:27
a tiny minority of
43:29
moon agents walking among us.
43:32
They....are the few. We...are
43:36
the many and we ...will
43:38
...crush them. We
43:41
WILL make our country safe
43:43
once more, but...it
43:47
will take us coming together
43:50
to seek out those who threatened
43:52
our privacy, who pry
43:54
in to our very souls.... With
43:57
their fake so-called
43:59
‘Moonlight’. I
44:02
ask you to trust me
44:04
...like I trust you.....and in
44:07
return, I promise you, that
44:09
I will bring our country
44:12
back to the natural calm
44:15
nights. The natural darkness
44:17
that is our ancestors. Bring
44:20
back our night! Bring
44:23
back our darkness!
44:24
Woahhhh... Is That real
44:31
?
44:32
Love that! You
44:34
should be a President Fiona!
44:35
President? Ooohhhh..powerful...
44:35
Seriously, you're a natural!
44:37
She’d ruin...everything!
44:37
Oh...
44:37
Hmmmm....President of
44:42
a very tiny planet, Maybe.
44:44
I‘d love that! I promise
44:47
to do only nice things and obviously not abuse my
44:49
power in any way, or invade places
44:52
or.....
44:59
(FUZZY SIGNAL UNDER) ...or do anything...bad....
44:59
Oh, we’re losing the signal...
44:59
I CUT HER OFF....
45:06
This is the end of part one of three of the
45:08
Moonologue sessions. Join us
45:10
next time for part two.
45:14
Thank you to Tanya Milojevic for accompanying
45:16
Sarah Golding on this perilous mission, and
45:19
thank you to our winning monologues
45:21
in this episode. Moon
45:23
by Haydn Davis, narrated by Tanja Milojevic. The Moon
45:27
franchise that never was by J
45:30
Christian Ellet, and performed by James
45:32
Oliva. Fleas by Maya Peace, narrated
45:35
by Madison Upton. Chaika by Karen Heimdahl,
45:37
narrated by
45:40
Angelique Lazarus. Darkness, written
45:42
and narrated by Fiona Thraille.
45:45
Thank you to our narrator Bret Maskill-Watts, and
45:49
thank you to Caalo Xan
45:51
for their beautiful music You are listening
45:53
to right now. And huge thanks again
45:55
to all of the Quirky Voices Patreon supporters...
45:58
Who honestly encouraged and made this happen.
46:00
Check out [email protected] for
46:03
more information about upcoming
46:06
Quirky fun. Tune i n... F or t
46:08
he next exciting episode....Coming soon!
46:11
Huzzahs for the moon! And all who have stood u
46:13
pon i t. Happy listening, happy adventuring...
46:16
And goodbye. For now.
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