0:00

Welcome to the Practical Growth podcast

0:02

with me , ebi Johnson . Author

0:04

, nlpmp and cognitive reappraisal

0:07

coach . This is the podcast

0:09

created for people like you , people

0:12

looking for more , more

0:14

health , more peace , more

0:16

happiness . Each week , I

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explore a new topic in pop psychology

0:20

and help you build a better life and

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better relationships . Join

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me for special guests , exciting ideas

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and practical advice that you can use to

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improve your life from the inside

0:31

out . Let's get into it . Hello

0:35

, hello , hello , my lovelies , and welcome back

0:37

to another episode of the Practical Growth podcast

0:40

. It's me , ebi , your

0:42

favorite writer , your favorite TikTok coach

0:44

and , most importantly , your favorite NLPMP

0:47

and cognitive reappraisal specialist

0:50

. And here I am , back , back , back , with

0:52

another great episode . Now , I told

0:54

you guys that we were going to be

0:57

talking Ruby Frank and there was going to be a guest

0:59

this week . I misspoke . That

1:01

is going to be taking place next week

1:03

. We have a couple of big developments in the case I'm

1:05

going to be talking about with a guest and I'm very excited

1:07

to bring to you . But

1:09

today is actually , I

1:12

think , an even more important episode , right ? Because it's all

1:14

about growth . It's all about helping you grow

1:16

and helping you overcome

1:19

a lot of these big emotional obstacles in

1:21

your life , of which trauma

1:23

is usually the root cause , right ? Especially

1:25

those of you listening who have childhood

1:27

trauma . Maybe your parent was narcissistic

1:30

or emotionally immature , or

1:32

you just grew up in a really chaotic environment

1:34

as a kid . Because

1:37

what this episode is going to do is it is going

1:39

to help you with what I find

1:41

with my clients is one of the biggest hurdles

1:43

, and that is the gaslighting . We

1:45

, as trauma survivors especially

1:48

those with a quote , unquote stiff up or lip tend

1:51

to gaslight ourselves , and when

1:53

we do that , we prevent

1:55

a lot of healing . We create roadblocks

1:57

in our relationships . There's

1:59

all kinds of stumbling blocks

2:02

, hurdles that we kind of create for ourselves emotionally

2:04

when we gaslight ourselves in terms

2:06

of our own trauma . So that's what we're going to be talking about today

2:08

, but , specifically , I'm

2:10

going to be giving you my secret recipe

2:12

, my secret formula , the

2:14

technique that I usually only hand

2:17

out to my one-on-one clients . Ok

2:19

, and this technique is going to help

2:21

you stop gaslighting

2:23

yourself in terms of your

2:25

trauma and the feelings

2:28

that you have , even here in the present moment , and that's

2:30

so . That's what we're going to do today . That's what we're going to do . We're going

2:32

to banish the gaslighting , we're going to put that tune

2:34

in and give you a solid technique that you

2:36

can use to do that intentionally and

2:38

consciously in your everyday life . Before

2:40

we jump in , though , I do just

2:43

want to make a little bit of a plea and a little bit

2:45

of a plug . Ok , A little bit of a plea and a little bit of

2:47

a plug . As most of you probably know

2:49

because most of you probably found me that

2:52

way I

2:54

am a writer on mediumcom

2:56

. That is where I share a lot of my articles

2:59

, a lot of my content . I've

3:01

been extremely fortunate

3:03

for years now , since 2019

3:05

, to have that's

3:07

been my primary source of not only communicating

3:10

with you guys my fans

3:13

, my listeners , my followers

3:15

but that's also been my primary source

3:17

of income . Unfortunately , due

3:19

to mediums new

3:22

direction , new changes that is no

3:24

longer the case . It's

3:26

very hard for me to reach anyone

3:28

there . I've got

3:30

, basically , I have 33,000 followers

3:32

unless than 1% of them see my

3:34

stories , and it's just

3:36

really hard for me now to reach anyone

3:39

on the platform . So I

3:41

have moved most

3:43

of my original content and my whole library

3:46

of old content over to substackcom

3:50

, and I would be extremely grateful

3:52

if those of you listening could

3:54

head over to Substack and

3:56

support me there . There are two

3:58

options . You can pay $5

4:00

a month , just like you would for medium

4:02

, and that gets you not only

4:05

new weekly stories but

4:07

the entire back catalog of

4:09

my work . Everything I ever posted

4:11

on medium is over on substack . So

4:14

you get access to all of that for $5 a month . Plus

4:17

for that $5 a month , you get extra content

4:19

from me . So , for example , a

4:21

couple days ago I sent out a free

4:23

ebook to all of my premium subscribers

4:26

on substack . We've

4:28

got some video series that are going to

4:30

be coming out soon , with some , you

4:32

know , some of my coaching tips , tricks and

4:35

addressing some of the really big topics

4:37

that you guys struggle with in terms

4:39

of emotional regulation . There's a lot of

4:41

goodness there over on substack and

4:44

that is again , yeah , for $5

4:46

a month or $50 a year

4:48

. I would be eternally grateful for

4:50

those who can and listen . I know it's

4:53

rough out there , but for those of

4:55

you who do have the

4:58

change in your pockets or the , you know , a little

5:00

bit spare , if you could head over to substackcom

5:03

, sign up , support me there

5:05

. It's really easy to do . You

5:07

just head to practicalgrowthsubstackcom

5:11

, hit subscribe and

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they'll walk you right through the process . You'll start

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getting my emails every time they come out and you'll get

5:17

access to the entire back catalog

5:20

. So if you've got the time

5:22

, if you've got the means , I

5:24

would love it if you guys could support me on substack

5:27

, kind of help me stem

5:29

the flow of the

5:31

disastrous changes at medium . I

5:34

would be very , very grateful . Again , that

5:36

is practicalgrowthsubstackcom

5:40

to subscribe and listen . If

5:42

you don't have the means , I also

5:44

appreciate you . Go ahead and sign up for

5:46

a free subscription there . You

5:49

still get access to some of my

5:51

articles . They're still send out stuff for

5:53

my free subscribers because I know how it is

5:55

and I want my advice , I want my

5:57

content to be accessible for everybody

5:59

. So , everybody you know , if you're

6:01

listening to this , head to practicalgrowthsubstackcom

6:05

to support me . Thank you , thank

6:07

you , thank you . All right , let's get into

6:09

the good stuff , the

6:11

light stuff , the joyful stuff . Survivors

6:14

gaslighting themselves after

6:16

trauma . What am I talking about ? What are

6:18

we going to be talking about today and how can we

6:21

fix it ? Because I'm sure , if you're

6:23

listening to this , this is a problem that you've had

6:25

. I'm sure that you have

6:27

had that moment where you have thought back

6:29

to something that happened in your childhood and

6:31

then you quickly snap yourself out of it and go oh

6:33

, whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa , no , no , no , no

6:36

, it wasn't that bad . Childhood wasn't that

6:38

bad . It couldn't have been that bad . We

6:40

have all been there . It's one of the biggest problems

6:42

. You know , when we talk about healing trauma , a lot of people

6:44

point to their issues with

6:47

others . People don't believe me , people

6:49

gaslight me , the flying monkeys come after

6:51

me , all that kind of stuff . But when we're healing

6:53

, we are also one of our biggest obstacles

6:55

and a lot of it comes down to the way we

6:57

gaslight ourselves , talk ourselves

6:59

out of our feelings , dismiss or

7:02

diminish our experiences

7:04

and the effect that they had

7:06

on us . And there's , you know

7:08

, there's there's a few reasons that this

7:10

happens . But before you can understand

7:12

the why , you need to understand the how . So , by

7:14

and large , this gaslighting is done both

7:17

subconsciously and consciously , and it's

7:19

done very subtly as well . When we gaslight

7:22

ourselves , it's not so much of

7:24

telling ourselves we're crazy . It's

7:26

more of absorbing

7:28

this feeling of shame and then diminishing

7:31

our feelings , diminishing

7:33

our experiences , downplaying

7:35

them and denying the damage , denying

7:38

the effects that they have had on our current

7:40

lives or , you know , even our past memories

7:42

, histories , relationships , whatever it is . You will

7:44

see yourself doing this , hear yourself doing

7:47

this , find yourself doing this when you

7:49

, let's say , think back to a

7:51

traumatic memory , a traumatic moment

7:53

in your past or a

7:56

very upsetting kind of critical

7:58

crossroads in your childhood

8:00

or your adolescence , and

8:02

right when you get to the point of thinking

8:04

, wow , that's terrible , that

8:07

other voice kicks in and goes oh no

8:09

, no , no , it wasn't that bad , it wasn't that bad

8:11

. And you'll hear yourself downplaying

8:14

this to people . When you're talking to them Like , for

8:16

example , I

8:18

have a tendency of telling stories from

8:20

my childhood that I don't think are that bad

8:22

. And as I

8:24

tell them to especially my British friends

8:27

they just will get this look of horror on their face

8:29

, like , oh my God , what are you

8:31

talking about ? And I immediately have to comfort

8:33

them . Right , I'm comforting them and saying , oh

8:35

no , no , it wasn't that bad , it wasn't that bad , it wasn't that bad

8:37

. That is , that is

8:39

a form of gaslighting ourselves . We think

8:41

the same way and it's kind of done as a form

8:43

of comfort , but mostly it's

8:46

done to as a form of avoidance

8:48

. Right , we don't want to believe that it was that bad

8:51

, because then that's a whole other bucket of

8:53

fish . We have to cry . So why does this happen

8:55

? Where does this come from ? Why do so many

8:57

of us have this seemingly

8:59

innate ability to

9:01

just dismiss our own suffering out

9:04

of hand ? Because you know , again with

9:06

my clients , you see them , they come

9:08

to me , they're so full of empathy and I myself

9:10

, right , I can feel empathy for a pencil

9:12

. There was a comedian who said that one time Lee , feel

9:15

empathy for a pencil . If you tell me this pencil's

9:17

name is Jim , you snap in half . I'm going to be devastated

9:20

. Very similar to myself . Very

9:22

similar in my clients . We have huge

9:24

empathy for others . We have no problem

9:26

accepting their stories and accepting

9:28

that they are victims of serious , serious

9:31

, horrible trauma that shouldn't have happened to them

9:33

. And then we look at our own stories and we're like

9:35

, oh , it wasn't that bad . Look at you , you're fine

9:37

, it wasn't that bad . Why do we do that

9:39

? Where does that come from ? Starts

9:42

early . For a lot of us , that is a

9:44

type of conditioning that begins in the home

9:47

. If your home was anything like

9:49

mine , you heard things all the time like don't you

9:51

tell people what happens outside of this house

9:53

? That is where it starts . That's where

9:56

the conditioning starts when you have

9:58

parents who are telling you keep this a secret

10:00

, or when you have parents telling you it's not

10:02

that bad , Stop crying , you have nothing to cry

10:04

about . There are children in China who don't have anything

10:06

to eat . Stupid comments like that . That's

10:09

where the conditioning starts . You learn

10:12

to dismiss and diminish

10:14

your experiences because as a

10:16

child that's repeatedly

10:18

done to you repeatedly

10:22

Again . If you grew up in a household anything like

10:24

mine , you felt like an inconvenience more of

10:26

the time than like a welcome invited

10:29

guest in

10:31

the family . That's where it starts

10:33

. Now , as we grow up , we get

10:35

away from our families . We find ourselves

10:37

still doing that . You'll go to work and horrible

10:40

things will happen at work . You'll take on

10:42

way more than you should . You'll be talked to

10:44

horribly by bosses or whatever it is

10:46

. Maybe your

10:48

friendships are like that or your romantic

10:50

relationships go that way and you downplay

10:52

it . You start downplaying it . Maybe you're in an abusive relationship

10:55

. Your partner hits you and your friends are like , why

10:58

what ? You're like , oh no , no , no , it's

11:00

not that bad , it's just a little bruise on my

11:02

neck or something like that . That

11:05

continues because of fear

11:08

and shame . Fear and shame

11:10

those are the two mechanisms that build

11:12

from that early conditioning and childhood . You're

11:15

fearful that if you speak up , it's going to get worse

11:17

, or that if you speak up , you're going to lose the only

11:19

way of life that you've now grown

11:21

uncomfortably comfortable in . And

11:24

then there's the shame of it all . I let these

11:26

things happen to me , or I feel shameful

11:28

for having these emotions , having these thoughts

11:30

in the first place . So I should just shut up and get

11:32

on with it . Those are the mechanisms

11:35

that lead us to continue this

11:37

pattern of gaslighting ourselves , diminishing

11:40

it , telling ourselves we're crazy , telling ourselves

11:42

that we don't have it bad enough to complain , yada

11:45

, yada , yada , yada yada , which then

11:47

just keeps us silent , shut

11:49

down , locked in the pattern , taking

11:52

up zero space in our own lives . I need

11:54

to be really , really clear here as well , before

11:57

I go on to explain

11:59

kind of my story

12:02

and how I developed this tactic that will help

12:04

you stop gaslighting yourself . There

12:07

is a serious cost if you don't stop this

12:09

behavior and I don't think

12:11

I reiterate this enough in these topics that

12:13

I talk about . It's just kind of like ho , ho , hee , hee

12:15

. Here's some advice . But I'm

12:17

being very serious right now If

12:20

you don't stop gaslighting yourself , if you're someone

12:22

who tends to do that , who tends to downplay stuff

12:24

and just act like your problems aren't real problems

12:26

. You're going to

12:28

crash and fail . Okay

12:30

, because you're going to burn yourself out , not only

12:33

on your own end , just

12:35

trying to keep your head above water , but

12:37

you're going to burn yourself out for others because

12:39

the nasty

12:42

, controlling , abusive , toxic

12:44

element , selfish , corrosive

12:46

people in your life . They will sniff you out

12:48

from a mile away and they will take

12:51

advantage of the person who

12:53

can downplay being wronged

12:55

over and over and over again . So

12:58

this comes with a serious cost . If

13:01

you keep gaslighting yourself , you're going

13:03

to feel like you're not worthy , like

13:05

your emotions aren't capable of being

13:07

dealt with , like you are weak , like you are a

13:09

failure , like you are anxious , like you are hopeless

13:11

. That's what you're going to do to yourself In

13:14

terms of your relationships . You're going

13:16

to become a doormat to others and

13:18

that's going to reinforce a cycle of

13:20

worthlessness , of hopelessness

13:22

, of poor behaviors , of a

13:24

wrecked nervous system . So

13:27

there is a serious cost If you

13:29

don't start taking action

13:31

I'm serious taking conscious action

13:34

to

13:36

stop thinking this way , to

13:38

stop allowing yourself to

13:40

dismiss and diminish your

13:42

experiences . Okay

13:45

. So keep that in mind as

13:47

we move forward . So where do we go ? How

13:50

do we stop this behavior . This

13:52

is not something that they just teach you openly

13:54

in classes , right ? They don't just hand

13:57

out this knowledge when

13:59

you're on an NLP course or a psychology

14:02

course or anything like that . This

14:05

is something you have to learn to kind of

14:07

do on your own , and that's exactly

14:10

what I had to do . I

14:13

was probably the queen

14:15

, the champion of gaslighting myself

14:17

. I mean , I was an absolute warrior for my

14:19

mother , basically until she died . Until

14:22

she died , because I was so good at

14:24

gaslighting myself , gaslighting

14:27

myself out of my experiences in the name of her . Every

14:30

time I spoke to my mother , it was absolutely

14:32

exhausting . Right , the last three

14:34

or four years of our relationship , I lived 6,000 miles away in

14:36

another country . We

14:40

only spoke on the phone , but we did speak on the phone

14:42

every day and it was

14:44

exhausting . It exhausted

14:47

me every single time , even

14:49

if we didn't get into a fight which usually there was

14:51

some kind of disagreement , some kind of fight but

14:54

it was just negative . She's just a negative person . It was

14:56

negative all the time , exhausting , exhausting

14:58

, exhausting Every encounter

15:00

I had with her . Essentially , I don't

15:02

have any positive memories with my mother after the age of

15:04

maybe 8 or 9 . She

15:08

was just an exhaustive , argumentative

15:11

, corrosive , depressing

15:14

personality in general

15:16

, and

15:18

I gaslit myself . I told myself , all

15:20

of these terrible experiences that I had with her

15:22

, all this negativity that she exuded around

15:25

her , not that bad . It's not that bad

15:27

. She wasn't hitting me , right . She

15:29

didn't call me a whore every day , right

15:31

. She would go

15:33

and splurge

15:35

in her shopping addiction and buy me a bunch

15:38

of random shit at random points

15:40

in her life . So that was good , right

15:42

, because sometimes she'd get something you liked

15:44

, so that made her a good mom , right . I

15:49

did this for years and years and years , and it wasn't until

15:51

she died , which I'll be discussing

15:53

. I've

15:55

got an article coming out about this , so make sure you're following

15:57

me on Substax . It's

16:00

a pretty powerful revelation . It

16:02

wasn't until after she died that

16:04

I was able to stop doing this , but it came

16:07

at a cost and it came with a fight , and

16:09

it came because I got angry . After

16:11

she died , I was finally able to look back

16:13

at specific experiences and

16:16

as I was looking back at these experiences

16:18

, I realized like , oh

16:20

my God , there was no excuse for them . There

16:23

was no excuse for them . And what was worse is

16:25

I realized all

16:27

this time when I was diminishing these experiences

16:30

, diminishing the way I felt , telling myself

16:32

I was crazy for having

16:35

so much disdain for my mother . I

16:38

realized that I was kind of repeating

16:41

relationships similar to her around

16:43

me and making similar excuses for myself

16:45

and for others in my life , making

16:48

the same excuses , and

16:50

it stopped me in my tracks and it's also

16:52

what has led to this technique that

16:54

I am about to teach you now . So

16:57

this technique is essentially my

16:59

. It's not a Rolodex

17:01

of hate , as Bianca says , but it's very , very

17:03

similar . It's a Rolodex of powerful

17:05

memories . It is a

17:08

righteous anger , reinforcing

17:11

memory bank of

17:13

sorts . Okay , and this is what you

17:15

are going to use to stop gaslighting yourself

17:17

, exactly the way I learned to

17:20

stop gaslighting myself . You ready , if

17:22

you need a pen and paper this is the point pulling out , let's go

17:24

. Here we go the tactic

17:26

that you're going to use , the technique that you're

17:28

going to use to end this pattern

17:31

of gaslighting yourself , and

17:33

we're going to start just with childhood trauma

17:35

and we're going to build from there . You can use this

17:37

in terms of romantic relationships

17:40

, friendships , whatever it is

17:42

that you're trying to weigh , get the big picture

17:44

of and figure out the

17:47

truth about , so that you can stop gaslighting

17:50

yourself . Here

17:52

we go Step one , you need to create a memory

17:54

bank . Create a memory bank so

17:57

it's really powerful if you feel comfortable

18:00

doing this in a journal , but you don't have to

18:02

. It's a kind of meditative process

18:04

. If that's something that's more comfortable to you

18:06

, you

18:42

need to look back at your experiences

18:44

with this person . So , for me , I looked back

18:46

at these experiences with my mother , which was the relationship

18:49

I tended to gaslight myself about most

18:51

. So

18:53

I looked back at those experiences . What

18:56

are the biggest memories that you can remember ? Okay

18:58

, how did they make you feel ? I

19:00

started doing that . I was seeing things like

19:03

you know , little EB sitting

19:05

outside by herself , struggling to get the training

19:07

wheels off of her bike by herself

19:10

, pedaling up and down a little porch and

19:12

the winter , cold is raining

19:15

and gray skies up and

19:17

down this little porch teaching herself how to ride a bike

19:19

by herself , running inside

19:21

by herself to tell her mother how excited

19:23

she was because she finally taught herself how to ride

19:25

a bike , and her mother who's

19:27

just rotting on the couch saying uh-huh

19:30

, that's great . And going back to watching

19:32

her . You know her

19:35

daytime television . So

19:38

that was a pretty powerful memory that came up right

19:40

away . I thought let's

19:42

find some positive memories . Were there

19:44

any cooking memories ? Did she ever teach you how to cook anything

19:47

? No , were there any memories ? Positive

19:49

memories , like cleaning

19:51

or going somewhere together or

19:54

taking a trip together that was good

19:56

, or a hobby None

19:59

of those . So what's another

20:01

one ? Maybe she came to a band

20:03

concert ? That would be a positive one . Oh wait

20:05

, no , she didn't do that . Okay

20:07

, there's another memory not showing

20:10

up there . What about when you went to the hospital ? Nope

20:12

, didn't show up there . You see

20:14

what I'm saying here . You create a

20:16

memory bank of core

20:18

times that

20:20

you know you had an experience

20:23

with this person that should not have happened

20:25

. Okay , and

20:28

as you form this memory bank , this

20:31

concrete memory bank , you

20:34

are forming a

20:36

clearer view of the situation

20:39

, which will empower you to

20:41

cut through the gaslighting . Step two

20:44

if you are using

20:46

this to stop gaslighting

20:48

yourself in regards to a toxic relationship

20:51

or your childhood trauma or narcissistic

20:53

abuse , then the second step

20:55

is to leaning

20:58

into that memory bank , allowing

21:00

yourself , in little timed

21:02

bursts , to go back to that place

21:05

. You need to foment

21:07

a righteous anger , and

21:10

this is one of the big things that so many of my

21:12

clients struggle with , because anger is the number

21:14

one emotion that you were never allowed to feel

21:16

growing up as a child , and

21:19

if you are in a narcissistic family

21:21

or narcissistic relationships as an adult

21:23

. Narcissists cannot tolerate anger

21:25

. They are happy to see you be

21:27

sad , they are happy to see

21:29

you be frustrated , they are

21:32

happy to see you be disappointed , but they will

21:34

not allow you to be angry , because every narcissist

21:36

knows that your anger is motivating

21:39

your anger , is a threat to

21:41

them , because your anger will motivate

21:43

you to act against them , to stand up

21:45

to them , to speak out against them

21:47

and to , most importantly , leave and strip

21:49

their power from them . So

21:52

for you to stop gaslighting yourself , more

21:54

than just having these memories that you know were

21:56

shit and shouldn't have happened , you

21:58

need to actively embrace

22:01

righteous anger , a sense

22:03

of there's no effing excuse

22:05

for that . There's no excuse

22:08

, there's no justification , and

22:10

if I haven't gotten justice for it , I'm allowed

22:13

to be upset about it . I'm allowed to be upset

22:15

about that little girl who

22:18

couldn't even get a wow , well

22:20

done , congratulations , let

22:22

me see you ride the bike . That little girl's allowed to be

22:24

angry that her mother didn't

22:26

care to

22:28

teach her any skills , to

22:30

show her any real fundamental form

22:32

of love outside of her shopping

22:35

addiction . So

22:38

you gotta foment this righteous anger . And what I tell

22:40

my clients a lot is you almost you

22:43

can imagine it as like a centurion or

22:45

like a warrior of some

22:47

type , a soldier that's

22:49

there to protect you . Your anger

22:52

exists like any other emotion , exists

22:54

like your happiness exists when good things happen

22:56

, like your grief exists

22:58

when you lose something that's important to

23:00

you , be it a person or an opportunity

23:03

. Your anger exists

23:05

because something around

23:07

you is not right . Maybe it's your reading

23:10

of a situation , or maybe it's because

23:12

something in the environment is truly

23:14

going against your

23:16

boundaries , your values , your beliefs

23:19

, your needs . So

23:21

you've gotta foment this anger and allow yourself

23:23

to be in that anger and

23:26

the understanding of none of that should have happened

23:28

and it was inexcusable . And

23:31

when you can hold onto that , that's

23:33

when you are able to set boundaries and say never

23:35

again . And at that point of never

23:38

again we get to number three . You

23:40

have to start consciously and

23:42

intentionally countering

23:45

that gaslighting voice

23:47

with that anger and

23:50

those concrete memories that you identified

23:53

. Every time that

23:55

voice pops up , you have to consciously

23:57

, actively confront

23:59

them . And what I tell my clients

24:01

, what I tell my readers , what I tell my followers to do

24:04

, is that gaslighting voice , turn it

24:06

into a person , imagine it as a person

24:08

and when it comes up , you need to imagine

24:11

another person yourself , someone

24:13

big , brave , courageous , whoever you really respect

24:15

, confronting that gaslighting

24:17

voice with

24:20

that memory and

24:22

with that anger that you know is righteous

24:24

, that you know is justified . So in my case

24:26

, when I

24:29

have doubts about

24:31

because it does occasionally still happen when I have

24:33

doubts about my experiences with my mother

24:35

, I look back at

24:37

her sitting on the couch when that little girl was outside

24:40

, taking off her own training

24:42

wheels on her bike and

24:44

peddling up and down a 12 foot porch

24:46

Probably wasn't even that big Over

24:49

and over and over again , while cars pass

24:51

by , while other kids ride

24:53

by with their families on bikes and

24:56

I'm freezing in my little

24:58

cheap gloves and my mother's sitting inside

25:00

watching Sally Jesse Raphael , I

25:05

give that memory to that gaslighter

25:07

voice and say okay , it wasn't that bad . Explain

25:10

that . Or I tell the

25:12

gaslighter about the time that

25:14

my mother found a rock CD she

25:16

didn't like and so she

25:18

hit me with a belt until I vomited on myself

25:20

and I asked the gaslighter how

25:22

bad it was that . Did you do

25:24

that to a child ? There's

25:27

usually no response from the gaslighter . They usually shut

25:30

up at that point . And

25:32

that's how you have to intentionally counter

25:34

that gaslighter with that anger

25:36

and those inexcusable memories , to

25:39

back that voice of doubt

25:42

down . Because , make no mistake , that voice is

25:44

the voice of your abusers . It

25:47

is the voice of people who

25:49

wanted you to fail or

25:51

who wanted you to stay beneath them . It

25:53

did not come from a good place , so

25:55

you don't have to treat it well . You need to counter it , you

25:57

need to shut it up , you need to silence it . There's

26:00

no making friends with it . You need to shut down that gaslighter

26:03

inside of you . And that's it in a nutshell

26:05

. That is my technique . That is my way

26:07

to counter the gaslighter . You build

26:09

that concrete memory bank , write it down

26:11

in a depth journal or

26:14

whatever you want to call it , the journal

26:16

of doom . If you can tolerate

26:18

it , allow yourself

26:20

to be in that anger and then counter that

26:22

gaslighting voice with those memories and that

26:24

anger . Just let that gaslighting voice

26:27

absolutely have it . I mean , why not

26:29

? You don't need that voice

26:31

there . Again , it doesn't come from a good place . It

26:33

serves no good purpose , save to keep you below

26:35

somebody or to keep you short

26:38

of your goals . So don't

26:40

let it happen . Thank

26:43

you so so much for listening . Hopefully you've gotten

26:45

something great from this episode

26:47

. I hope it inspires you . I hope it motivates you . Next

26:50

week will be something totally different , but this week

26:53

this was the message that I felt was really really

26:55

important to address . So thank

26:57

you again for listening . Thank you for those who

26:59

are still supporting me on

27:02

Medium and TikTok , but , if you could

27:04

remember , follow me over at substackpracticalgrowthsubstackcom

27:08

. And for anyone else

27:10

who's interested , I have a couple of spots

27:12

opening up for my next round of coaching

27:14

, which will be starting up in a couple of weeks

27:16

. So if you want to be a part of that

27:19

, you've got less than a hundred

27:21

days left . Basically , by

27:23

the time this program , the next program , starts

27:26

, you will have less than a hundred days to

27:29

the year and

27:31

then it's the new year . So you can either go in

27:33

the way you're feeling right now and the stress and the

27:35

chaos and the exhaustion , or

27:37

you can work with me . So if you want to do with that , head

27:39

over to the reallybejohnsoncom , click

27:42

on Working with Me . And for everyone else

27:44

, again , follow me on substack and

27:47

keep your heads up , keep your

27:49

eyes on the stars and keep moving forward Until

27:52

next time . Bye , bye .