On episode 42 of Outside The Studio: Bringing sexy back: Overcoming a Boring and Routine Sex Life with Irene Fehr

Sex and Intimacy coach Irene Fehr joins Tessa to discuss why the honeymoon period of relationships end and what to do about it. They explore how different sexual desires in a relationship create a battleground for attachment, myths around the female libido and how these myths create a stressful rather than enjoyable sex life, and how to create a sex life that survives the many waves of life.

Irene Fehr began her journey as a sex and intimacy coach after going through a crisis of her own. She was in a marriage that other people wished they had. But, for many years in her marriage she was losing her libido and experiencing painful sex. Not too long after, she lost her marriage and got divorced. This experience sent her on a quest to understand her body and mind.

Today, Irene is a certified coach and relationship expert. She is regularly featured as a sex expert in mainstream publications such as Cosmopolitan, Elite Daily, and Bustle.

“I realized I wasn't actually broken” - Irene Feh

5 Key Takeaways

1. Men are more likely to experience spontaneous sexual desire while women are more likely to experience responsive sexual desire. Women can take more control of their sex life by initiating a sexual experience in a way that turns them on. For example, if baths turn you on then invite your partner to have a bath with you.

2. To get to a confident place in your sex life, you have to be ready to fail. Yes, it is frightening to experiment in such a vulnerable setting. But, being ready to fail is the only way you can fully explore and understand who you are as a sexual being and what turns you on.

3. You can't run on an empty engine. If you are spending the day doing exhausting things, it is only natural that you don't have sexual energy at night. You have to be in tune with your body and listen to what it needs. 4. One place that women's libido myths originate from women trying to mimic the sexual behavior ofmen and the expectation of men for women to exhibit the same sexual behavior they do.

5. When you seek a sense of safety during sex, you might tend to play it safe during sex. For example, you might say things like “I don't want to hurt his feelings by asking him to give me more time”.

Timestamps

[00:00] Episode overview: Who is Irene Fehr?

[01:20] Spontaneous sexual desire vs. responsive sexual desire OR How men and women access different sexual desires.

[04:55] The female libido: how women can take a leading role in their sex life.

[08:37] When is your sex life in trouble? OR How to know if you should see a sex or intimacy coach.

[12:53] The mind-body disconnect: why some women don't know when they're turned on.

[19:36] Irene Fehr's story: from enviable relationship to divorce.

[27:00] 3 Libido myths that interfere with your sex life.

[34:37] Will your libido naturally die how sex goes from exciting to being a chore)?

[47:38] Overcoming the “end of sex” period of your relationship.

Links

Connect with Irene Fehr: Website | Wanting Sex Again Video Series | YouTube | LinkedIn | Twitter

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire

Amy Cuddy TED Talk - Fake it Till You Make it

Connect With Tessa Tovar: Website | Instagram | LinkedIn | Twitter