0:00

We live in a world where everyone

0:02

has a different context, has a different

0:05

background, has a different walk

0:07

of life, and because of that, we have

0:09

to be open to the idea that

0:12

people behave in ways that we

0:14

will never understand, never

0:16

condone, and never choose to act

0:18

ourselves. The number one health

0:20

and wellness podcast, Jay Sety

0:22

Jay set Us Only Set.

0:27

Hey. Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose,

0:30

the place you come to become happier, healthier,

0:33

and more healed. Today's

0:35

episode is all about

0:37

how to set boundaries without

0:40

offending people? Is that even

0:43

possible? I'm going to be talking about

0:45

it in this episode. And if

0:47

you're someone who feels taken

0:49

advantage of, either personally

0:52

or professionally, maybe it's in your

0:54

family and friends circle, or maybe it's at

0:56

work, this episode is

0:58

for you. You feel you're

1:00

a people pleaser and you struggle

1:03

with saying no. All you're ever doing

1:05

is saying yes, sure, I'll do it.

1:08

I'm in and in your heart

1:10

and mind you're thinking to yourself, how

1:13

am I going to keep up with this?

1:15

This episode is for you if you're

1:17

someone who over commits, if

1:20

you're someone who has no time left

1:22

for yourself because you're spending it

1:24

all on everyone else. This

1:26

episode is for you.

1:29

Now, Let's be honest. Boundaries

1:32

are tough to set, especially

1:34

with people you love, especially with people

1:36

you close to. Right, We've been raised

1:39

to want to be good people, and in

1:41

our head, the definition of being

1:43

a good person is someone

1:46

who never says no, someone

1:48

who always says yes, someone

1:50

who's always available, someone

1:53

who everyone goes thanks for always

1:55

being around, Thanks for being

1:57

so consistent, thank you for

1:59

all always being there. So

2:02

our definition of

2:04

what it means to be a good person is

2:07

someone with no boundaries. I want you

2:09

to really let that settle. I'm starting

2:12

straight in right like, I want you to think about

2:14

that. Our definition of what a

2:16

good human being is

2:18

is someone who doesn't have boundaries.

2:21

Because you want someone to

2:24

say to you, thank you so much for always being

2:26

around. You want to be that person that

2:28

everyone likes, that everyone says, oh, you know so and

2:30

so they're so helpful. We want

2:32

to be liked. We want to be

2:35

considered significant, important,

2:38

nice, kind. But

2:40

in order to get that validation,

2:44

we often break promises

2:46

to ourselves. So

2:50

our definition of what it

2:52

means to be a good, healthy

2:54

human needs to change

2:57

at the core, because if it doesn't

2:59

change, we end up thinking

3:01

that now we're a bad human Right, Maybe you've

3:04

even played around with boundaries. Maybe

3:06

you've even tried to set boundaries. Then when you did it, it

3:08

didn't feel good, right, It felt so

3:11

uncomfortable, it felt so not

3:13

like you. And whenever it didn't

3:15

feel like you, you then went back on it. You

3:18

let it go because it felt so awkward,

3:20

uncomfortable, difficult to

3:22

maintain a boundary. Maybe

3:25

when you've tried to set a boundary in the past, someone

3:27

put pressure on you, someone

3:29

tried to break your boundary.

3:32

So this episode's dedicated to us

3:35

figuring out how we can set

3:37

better boundaries, how do we communicate

3:39

those boundaries, and how

3:41

do we hopefully not offend people in the process.

3:44

Now, the first thing I'd

3:46

like to do is, I'd like to redefine

3:49

boundaries, just as we talked about redefining

3:52

what it means to be a good human

3:54

being, right, Like we do

3:56

believe that a good human being knows how to

3:58

invest in themselves, a healthy human

4:01

being knows how to

4:03

have parameters, knows how to navigate

4:06

awkward, uncomfortable conversations.

4:08

That's what we'd aspire to be like. But

4:10

we also have to redefine what boundaries

4:13

are. Listen to this carefully.

4:16

Boundaries are about what

4:18

we need for ourselves,

4:21

not what we want or don't

4:23

want from others. Let

4:26

me say that again. Boundaries

4:28

are about what we need for ourselves,

4:32

not what we want or don't

4:34

want from others. So

4:37

many times when people are speaking about

4:39

boundaries, what they're really

4:41

doing is setting rules

4:43

that they want others to live by.

4:46

They're setting a list of to dos

4:49

for others to follow. They're

4:51

setting a list of don't for

4:53

others to stand by. This

4:57

is a recipe for failure.

5:00

If your boundary is about

5:02

controlling someone else's actions

5:06

or hoping, wishing, wanting,

5:08

waiting for them to do

5:10

something differently, that

5:13

is pretty near impossible.

5:16

The reason I say that is so many of us are setting

5:19

boundaries that are like, next

5:21

time this happens, can you please not do this? Next

5:24

time this happens, can you not do this now?

5:27

I'm not saying that we shouldn't try that.

5:30

I'm just saying that that doesn't really set a

5:32

boundary, because that's trying to set a

5:34

boundary to protect you from

5:36

someone else, and actually

5:39

a true boundary is protecting

5:41

you from yourself. Let me say

5:43

that again. We think boundaries are

5:46

about protecting us from other

5:48

people, but boundaries

5:50

are actually about protecting ourselves

5:53

from ourselves. We

5:56

can't control anyone else's

5:58

actions, can control

6:00

our own. Boundaries

6:03

are to protect yourself from your

6:05

own triggers, not stop

6:07

someone else from behaving a certain

6:09

way, because you can't guarantee

6:11

that. So let me

6:14

give you an example of a boundary

6:16

that may fail. I'm

6:18

going to tell my friends to not

6:20

invite me out after eight

6:23

pm. Now I may say that,

6:26

but here's what will likely

6:28

happen. Maybe they'll forget and

6:30

they'll invite me anyway. Maybe

6:33

they'll go out one day at seven

6:35

forty five, not invite me, and then I'll fill

6:37

some fomo and feel well. I wish they

6:39

invite me, I said eight not. You

6:41

know right. It gets messy. But

6:45

a healthy boundary is this. For

6:47

example, if I get

6:49

invited out on a weekday after

6:51

eight pm, I'll decline.

6:54

You're protecting yourself. You're setting yourself

6:57

up for something you can control, something

6:59

you're in charge of. If

7:02

my friends asked me to drink on

7:04

a night out, I'll choose something

7:06

non alcoholic. Now I've been

7:08

in that place when I transitioned from drinking

7:10

alcohol to not drinking alcohol. I

7:13

remember struggling to tell my friends about

7:15

my change. I did it fairly young, and

7:17

so I was scared about how I'd be perceived.

7:20

I thought I'd be seen as someone

7:22

who didn't fit in or someone who is

7:24

different now, and so it was really

7:26

hard for me to tell them that. And

7:29

what I realized was if

7:32

I set a boundary for them, they

7:35

may forget, or they may not forget. Maybe

7:38

they're drunk when they're asking me to have a drink,

7:40

so they're not in their right state of mind. Right,

7:43

It's not always going to be clear cut, but I

7:46

need to set boundaries for myself.

7:48

I remember when I made that transition. I started

7:50

saying to a lot of my friends, Hey, like, I'd

7:52

love to go hang out in a restaurant,

7:55

let's avoid a club or a

7:57

bar or whatever it may be. That was a

7:59

boundary I was setting that

8:01

That's how I spend my time. So

8:04

these are all if this, then

8:07

that scenarios? What

8:09

are your if scenarios? Right? If

8:11

I get invited out on a weekday, if

8:13

my friends ask me to drink, if this happens,

8:16

then that, what are your if scenarios

8:19

that you find are leading

8:21

to behaviors, are leading

8:24

to behaviors that break boundaries

8:27

that you're trying to set. Maybe

8:29

you're trying to follow a certain diet, Maybe

8:31

you're trying to follow a certain workout. Maybe

8:34

you're in a state right now where

8:37

you're trying to choose going out instead

8:39

of staying in, or staying in instead of going

8:41

out. What are your if

8:43

scenarios and what is

8:45

your solution if this, then

8:48

that this is a great rule

8:50

to make for your mind, so that your mind

8:53

doesn't have to look at every situation as

8:55

unique and different. So often,

8:58

if we just play it case by k and

9:00

we don't set these rules for ourselves, we

9:03

end up falling at the first

9:05

hurdle. Now,

9:08

the second thing I want to say is

9:11

sorry, I can't make it.

9:13

Won't be possible for me this time. I

9:16

have another commitment. These

9:19

three are perfect sentences.

9:22

They're all fully okay

9:24

to communicate. What we often

9:27

do when we're trying to communicate our boundaries

9:29

is we often over explain and

9:32

overcompensate, thinking

9:35

it helps, but often it opens a can

9:37

of worms. Now, if you know someone really, really

9:39

well, and you have a priority

9:41

in your life, you should communicate that priority.

9:44

I, Hey, you know what, from now on, I'm

9:47

not really trying to go out after eight pm or

9:49

weekdays, I'm trying to get in early night. I'm

9:51

trying to make sure that I get that sleep. I

9:53

just wanted you to know that because I didn't

9:55

want you to think I was a messaging you. Right, that's

9:58

a great, great thing to say,

10:01

But often what we do is we

10:03

try and over explain and overcompensate

10:05

for everything. So when instead

10:08

of saying sorry, I can't make it, we do one or two

10:10

things. We don't say anything up

10:12

until the last minute, where

10:14

we then say sorry I can't make it and

10:16

we feel terrible, or

10:19

we send a long winded explanation

10:21

trying to justify a

10:23

choice. Now, there's a difference

10:26

between justifying your choice

10:28

to yourself and communicating

10:32

outwardly to someone else.

10:34

Most of us are still trying to convince

10:36

ourselves of our boundary, so

10:39

we end up sending a message that

10:41

sounds like something you should say to yourself

10:43

and your head, that doesn't

10:45

communicate effectively to someone out there.

10:48

Right, have you ever done that before? Where Like, for

10:51

example, I'm just keep taking the same example because

10:53

it's something I started with, but it's

10:55

like I start saying, you know, I've realized

10:58

that when I go out on a weekday, I

11:00

feel like I don't get good enough sleep, I feel like I

11:02

don't work out. The next day, I find like I end up

11:04

eating things that aren't healthy for me, and so I've

11:07

realized that I need to stay in. Now

11:09

that's your own thought process, and

11:11

that may or may not be useful to someone else. Them

11:14

knowing that you can't make it won't work out

11:16

this time, it's probably enough. If

11:18

they're a close friend, you may tell them about

11:20

your principle. But sometimes

11:23

what we end up saying sounds like we're

11:26

preaching. It sounds like we're saying

11:28

an opinion of what we believe. And

11:31

now that person's thinking, yeah, I get that,

11:33

but I actually love going out or whatever. It

11:35

may be right, and it triggers a whole conversation,

11:39

and it often triggers something in them as well,

11:41

where it sounds like you're saying something and then you're like,

11:43

oh, no, no, I didn't mean it to you. I just want this for me,

11:45

and then it goes on and on and on. Hey

11:49

everyone, it's Jay here. My wife

11:51

and I have had so much fun creating

11:53

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11:55

and I've got big news for you. It's at

11:57

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12:00

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12:02

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12:05

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12:10

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12:14

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12:19

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12:21

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12:23

our store locator at Drinkjuny dot

12:25

com and find Juny at a Target

12:27

near you. Now,

12:32

the third point is really important

12:34

here. How can you

12:36

be honest? Kind?

12:40

And this is the most important part. Empathetic

12:43

to their reaction. I think

12:45

a lot of the times we think that

12:48

we want others to fully understand

12:50

our values, to fully understand

12:53

our approach, to almost celebrate

12:55

it. We want someone to say, Wow, that's amazing, good

12:57

for you, And sometimes they may say, oh,

12:59

you're such a right now,

13:01

I'm not saying that that's a nice thing for someone to

13:04

say. I'm not saying that I agree with that I

13:06

know that you know it's

13:08

not comfortable hearing that. And

13:10

again, I'm not telling you to tolerate someone's

13:13

bad behavior. But what

13:15

I am saying is that it's

13:17

okay to recognize that someone else has

13:19

their own values about a similar situation.

13:22

And often we can get so lost in like now,

13:25

being critical of someone's reaction,

13:27

that we're stealing a great time

13:29

from ourselves. Right, So many of

13:31

us spend more time criticizing

13:34

how someone behaves with us than creating

13:36

opportunities to have a great time. How

13:39

many times have you sat there, complained,

13:42

criticized, and compared instead

13:44

of focusing on creating a

13:47

great evening? And I would encourage

13:49

you to be empathetic and be open

13:51

to the idea that people may not agree

13:54

with you. That's very likely

13:56

someone may debate you. That's very

13:58

likely. Expectation of

14:01

well, they should just understand is

14:03

actually going to cause us more stress.

14:06

So now I've started to realize I'm

14:08

going to be honest, kind, and empathetic with

14:10

my response, but I don't have an expectation

14:13

of how I want that person to respond. I've

14:16

realized that humans are just so complex.

14:19

We're so layered, all of us, including

14:21

me, and I have no idea

14:24

what the context of this conversation

14:27

is for that individual as they

14:29

hear it. Even if I think I know them,

14:31

I don't know what they went through right now at

14:33

this millisecond. And therefore,

14:35

because of I don't know what's happening in this

14:37

particular second of their life, I'm

14:40

going to be empathetic to

14:42

how they process this, and I'm not going

14:44

to have an expectation on how

14:46

they should have processed this or

14:49

how I would process this. We

14:51

often do this thing where we project

14:54

how we process things onto

14:57

people, and when they don't act

14:59

in that way, I'm so surprised. We're thinking, well,

15:01

why wouldn't you do that? That's what I would have done.

15:03

They're not you and you're

15:05

not them. If someone

15:08

doesn't act in the way

15:11

you would or the way

15:13

you think they should, remember

15:15

this, they're

15:17

not you and

15:19

you're not them.

15:22

Most people are not you. Most

15:25

people don't think exactly

15:27

the way you do. We live in a

15:29

world where everyone has

15:31

a different context, has a

15:33

different background, has a different

15:36

walk of life, and because

15:38

of that, we have to be open to the idea

15:41

that people behave in ways that

15:43

we will never understand, never

15:46

condone and never choose

15:48

to act ourselves. Now, one

15:50

of the reasons why we struggle with these

15:52

conversations is when

15:55

you try to say these things, you

15:57

subconsciously sound defensive

16:00

because you subconsciously feel defensive,

16:03

and that's actually what gets communicated

16:05

in your tone. You're scared

16:08

of it being perceived negatively. Because

16:10

you perceive it negatively. There's

16:12

a part of you that still believes they're

16:15

not going out, not drinking, not eating.

16:17

Whatever it is that you're trying to practice, there's

16:20

a part of you that believes it's not the right

16:22

thing. There's a part of you that

16:24

believes it's uncool, it's untrendy,

16:26

it's fatty, it's whatever it is. There's

16:29

a part of you that believes that. And

16:31

that's why you're scared to share it. And

16:33

that's why when someone actually says

16:35

something about it, it triggers you because you felt

16:37

it already. No

16:40

one can trigger you. If you don't

16:42

have the button to press already,

16:45

right, If that button doesn't exist on you,

16:48

no one can press that button. If

16:50

someone can push that button, it means that that button

16:52

exists. Get

16:54

that. So we're trying to get like, if you

16:56

don't have an on and off button. You can't

16:58

press it right, same with

17:01

any trigger button. So

17:03

here's an exercise. Here are three questions

17:06

that we need to internalize

17:09

when we're setting a boundary. We

17:12

have to become more certain about our boundaries.

17:14

They can't just be a rule that sounds good. They just

17:16

can't be a list

17:18

of things that we're going to follow. We have

17:20

to actually think about them. The

17:23

first question, what is

17:25

the boundary protecting for

17:27

you? Is it time?

17:30

Why is time important? Why

17:32

is that so precious? Is

17:35

it a ideal that

17:37

you're trying to practice. Is it

17:39

a mindset you're trying to build? Why

17:42

is that important? So? What is the

17:44

boundary protecting for you? Not

17:47

protecting from you, but protecting

17:50

for you? And why

17:52

is that so important? Why is that thing so

17:54

important? Two

17:57

more questions, What happens

17:59

when you don't follow that boundary? What

18:02

happens if you don't follow that boundary? Tomorrow? You're gonna

18:04

wake up? How are you going to feel? Fast

18:06

forward future pace. This

18:09

is called fast forward a future pace when

18:12

you almost project yourself,

18:14

beaming yourself into the future and said, how will

18:16

my future self feel about this? How

18:18

do I know I'm likely to feel about this if I

18:20

forego the boundary, and

18:23

now let me do the opposite, how do I feel

18:25

when I do follow through on the boundary.

18:29

These three questions are a must for any

18:31

of the big boundaries you want to

18:33

set in your life. Now,

18:35

the next step is planning a

18:38

buffer. A

18:40

lot of the time, when we finally set these boundaries,

18:42

maybe you laminate your rules, right, you have

18:44

them in your notes, whatever you do for them. What

18:47

ends up happening is someone

18:49

will catch you off guard, someone will

18:51

surprise you. Someone will ask

18:53

for something at the time you don't expect,

18:57

and you'll be thinking,

18:59

oh, oh, I'm not ready for this, right,

19:01

I wasn't prepared for this. It's

19:04

okay to ask for some time. It's

19:06

okay to ask for some space. It's

19:09

okay to say,

19:12

yeah, let me get back to you, let me think

19:14

about that. Oh, thanks so much, I appreciate

19:16

it. Yeah, let me get back to you in a couple of days.

19:19

It's so important to create that

19:21

space for yourself and not feel

19:23

pressure. And the best way

19:26

to do it is, hey, I'll let you know in

19:28

a couple of days. Right, I'll actually try

19:30

and set a deadline for yourself. I think

19:32

often when we don't set the deadline. We never say anything,

19:34

and then that person does feel hurt and offended,

19:37

and rightly so, because they don't know what's going

19:39

on inside your head. So it's okay

19:42

to ask for some time, to ask for some space. Now,

19:46

we haven't addressed how to have that uncomfortable

19:48

conversation. And the more and

19:50

more I speak to people personally or professionally,

19:52

the more I hear how much

19:55

we struggle with actually having

19:57

these uncomfortable conversations because we've never

19:59

been prepared for them. We've never been trained for

20:01

them. So here's

20:03

a few tips that help. The first one

20:06

is observing others do uncomfortable

20:09

things. Right, Observing

20:11

real people do uncomfortable

20:14

things, uncomfortable things that we encourage. That would

20:16

be a good idea. Right, If you can

20:18

sit in or you can watch

20:20

someone in the workplace do something uncomfortable,

20:24

it allows you to understand how it was

20:26

done well and how it was done badly.

20:29

Now, if it's done well, our reactions usually I

20:31

have no idea how you did that, And

20:34

if you don't think it went well, you'd

20:36

be thinking I don't know why you did

20:38

that. Right, No, it's the difference your

20:40

reaction when someone does something, well is I have no

20:42

idea how you did that. And

20:45

when someone didn't pull it off, well, I don't know why

20:47

you did that. So we've

20:50

got to look out for those moments in our life when we're

20:52

thinking, how did you do that? And

20:54

often what we do is we put people on a pedestal.

20:56

We just assume you're special, you're

20:58

smart, you have some gear if you learn something. The

21:01

truth is, it's a muscle that can be built. It's

21:03

a skill that can be trained. It's

21:05

a skill. It's a skill. It's a skill.

21:07

The more and more I realized in life,

21:10

everything you admire in

21:12

someone else is a

21:14

skill. It's a skill that can

21:16

be trained. It's a muscle that can

21:18

be built. It's a life that

21:21

you can live. We

21:24

delude ourself by making

21:26

ourselves believe that it's only

21:29

possible for that person because of a certain

21:31

set of circumstances, and

21:34

we accept less for ourself.

21:38

It's a skill that can be trained. So

21:40

observing someone else do something

21:43

uncomfortable, ask

21:45

them questions. Even if you know they

21:47

do it, maybe you haven't seen them do the interaction. Ask

21:50

them. Maybe you know someone

21:53

who's had to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations

21:55

in their career. Sit down and ask them what

21:58

they've learned through that process, why they've

22:00

done that, how it's helped them,

22:02

watch them do it, if they let you watch them, but be

22:05

curious about them. And then

22:07

at one point, we have to get to exposure

22:09

therapy. Right, we have to

22:11

start exposing ourselves to small,

22:14

tiny, simple actions

22:17

of discomfort. Calling

22:19

to cancel a dental appointment,

22:22

calling to cancel a reservation at

22:24

a restaurant, right, declining

22:28

an invite to a friend's birthday,

22:30

right, whatever it may be like. We need to expose

22:32

ourselves to the smallest

22:34

version of it and then allow

22:37

it to scale. Here's

22:39

the harsh truth I have to share with you. People

22:43

will be offended, and that's

22:45

okay. Use this

22:47

as an opportunity to reset.

22:51

A lot of the times people will say things

22:53

like, oh, you used to always be around. What

22:55

happened? Oh you always used to be

22:57

so much fun? What happened? Will

23:00

say things like that, And often we sit there and go,

23:02

why are they saying things like that? It's

23:06

not bizarre. That's how people are. They

23:08

get used to a certain pattern of you,

23:11

and now they want that pattern to be

23:13

your reality. Forever. Use

23:16

that as an opportunity to reset,

23:18

reset who you are and reset who you're around,

23:21

reset people's expectations of

23:24

you. Right, we've all

23:26

live in the world of expectations. People

23:29

have built up an expectation about you, and maybe you've built

23:31

up an expectation of someone else. And

23:33

this is a really important point too. Who in your life

23:35

has been trying to set a boundary with you and

23:38

you've been irked by it? Who's tried

23:40

to set a boundary with you and you've been irked by

23:42

It's so important to reflect on that because,

23:44

by the way, this is happening both ways. There

23:47

are people trying to set a boundary with me right now,

23:49

and I may be rejecting it. I'm

23:52

not giving them the empathy that I would

23:54

want. And boundaries will adapt,

23:56

and that's okay, right,

23:59

Boundaries will they'll change, they'll

24:01

be flexible, and you will have to update people and

24:03

they'll say, whoa, it sounds like you're changing every

24:05

week right now? Right. They will say that predicting

24:09

what people will say will protect

24:11

you from having the false

24:13

expectation that they won't say it, expect

24:16

it, predict it, project it, know that it's

24:18

going to happen and therefore be

24:20

prepared for it. Thank

24:22

you so much for listening to on Purpose. I hope

24:24

that you'll pass this on to a friend who

24:26

may be struggling with setting boundaries, and

24:29

I want you to remember this. I am

24:31

forever in your corner and I'm

24:33

always rooting for you. Thanks for listening.

24:36

If you love this episode, you will

24:38

also love my interview with Charles

24:40

Douhig on how to hack your brain,

24:42

change any habit effortlessly, and

24:45

the secret to making better decisions.

24:47

Look, am I hesitating on this because I'm scared

24:50

of making the choice because I'm scared of doing

24:52

the work, Or am I sitting with this because

24:54

it just doesn't feel right yet?

24:58

For Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm

25:00

partnering up with the National Alliance

25:02

of Mental Illness NAME. If you

25:04

or someone you know is struggling with mental

25:06

health, there is help. Call NAMI

25:08

Helpline at eight hundred nine

25:10

fifty NAMI, or go to www

25:13

Dot name dot org, forward

25:16

slash help, or text Helpline to

25:18

six two six four zero for

25:20

immediate twenty four to seven crisis support.

25:23

Call your text nine eight eight or

25:25

visit www dot nine

25:27

eight eight lifeline dot org.