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Hello and welcome to the bonus

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episode of Jo-

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My therapist ghosted me! I was going to

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say Joanne and Vogue! Are

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you well? What's going on? Send

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help. All I do is podcast. All I do is

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podcast chats, podcasts, listen

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to them and then it goes back into the same

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circle of life again.

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Where are you? I'm in Manchester!

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Good accent. Good accent. Do

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you want to try that again? Manchester!

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No. Uh oh. I'm here

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filming this show for a TV show

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that is going to be like, when

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I say I've fallen into a hole watching it,

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they were like, oh just watch, like we've sent you the

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bits that you'll need to watch. I can't stop

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watching

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every episode. I've only got one left.

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Are you allowed to tell us what it is? No, I know. And

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like, that's really annoying. Telly are so funny.

1:01

They act like you've joined the Illuminati or the Masons.

1:04

They're like, can't say anything about this

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now. I'm the same.

1:08

I'm working on a show at the moment and I

1:10

like, I'm even terrified

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I'll let slip that I'm doing it because they're like, you

1:15

know, you can't tell. I'll just sign an NDA and

1:17

all. You swear I was in the Illuminati?

1:19

I swear to God.

1:20

You'll see Joanne and I wearing the same outfit

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for these said TV shows because we are, what's

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it called? Sustainable. We are sustainable,

1:28

but I didn't realise that if I committed to wearing

1:30

it for the first episode, I'd have to wear it for

1:32

fucking 60 episodes.

1:34

I just didn't really understand. You

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know, I burst the gusset. I

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did and that is unusual because

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I'm the one with the wide gait. Oh,

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I burst that gusset and a couple of other bits. But

1:45

anyway, I've had it into a very talented tailor and

1:48

you'd never know what do you mean

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a couple of other bits? What other bits have you ruined

1:52

of mine? I've burst a couple of other

1:54

gussets in it. I've apparently have loads of

1:56

gussets and they both burst. But you

1:58

would never.

5:51

my

6:00

toenails once because I was like, I'm

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no too much. No, that's no,

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because I didn't think they were ready. I

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was like, ah, they're not ready. And he's like, they're

6:10

definitely ready. Yeah. So

6:13

I was like, right. Well you do them then if you're that

6:15

upset by them. I

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saw someone,

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I

6:22

saw someone with toenail shellac,

6:24

like, but like they had nail extension

6:26

things like you get on their toenails.

6:29

Yeah. Well you have, yeah, because that's the problem

6:31

with shellac, you have to go in and get like

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a row, like a rowed it off. So it does

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tend to grow. No, not that that's what I mean. I mean,

6:38

like, you know, there's extra nail bits that you get on.

6:40

What do you call them? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They

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didn't get fake. I'm telling you, I saw somebody

6:45

recently with, I'm not saying that was, but

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I saw somebody, they looked very

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done up. Was it a famous person? Because

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there is a kind of a weird trend of people growing

6:54

their toenails now on catwalks and stuff

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like you wearing them as nails.

6:58

Yeah, I know.

7:03

Can I talk about my face, please?

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Well, I didn't know if I said I'd bring it up. It's all

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I can think of. I

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got good news. Once

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again, my head has blown up

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like the elephant man. She's

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in a crew move today, Joe. Sorry,

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sorry. I will never forget the day I stood here. Sally,

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you're at my curly blow dryer and the two of you, you

7:28

couldn't, couldn't leave it.

7:34

Every week, it's just revenge. Really.

7:36

It's like, I'll never forget who

7:39

can get the upper hand. See,

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people still send me photos of those dogs sometimes. I

7:44

got one the other day, actually. And it was, did you get the

7:46

one where it was banging on the back door and it

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was the spitting image me that dog.

7:50

Banging? No, it is. Oh, wow.

7:53

Never seen anything like it. Actually, it was quite frightening. So

7:57

today, today was a day. So,

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you know, the way. we're big into kind of

8:01

like getting facials and well,

8:03

that's it really. Yeah.

8:04

And so, well, I have this reoccurring

8:07

issue with my face, which only started this year where it kind

8:09

of tends to blow up and all my skin goes really

8:12

hard like a lizard and it

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goes around my eyes and this time it's all

8:16

around my mouth. And I was like, it's about time I

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figured out what's going on on the inside.

8:21

Yeah. Rather than just making time for profilo,

8:24

I should probably figure out why

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I look like a blowfish every fucking three months. So

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anyway,

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went in today, got my bloodstone. Oh,

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I'm so happy. Yeah. She's,

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I've heard of you because I went in in a panic

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and I was like, look, I've googled us and it looks like

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it's liver failure. What do you think? And

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she was like, I wouldn't think it's liver failure. I

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would say you're having a reaction to some

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skincare. And I was like, no, no, no, no. It's definitely

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to me from, from everything I've read online,

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it's secretion of the liver out my

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eyes. I swear to God,

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it's not that bad. Google it. I

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was telling you now, I was like, this is it. I'm going to be on dialysis.

9:01

Oh, that's kidneys. Isn't it anyway? And

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so she did the bloods. She was like, I really don't

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think it's your liver. But anyway, then I went and

9:08

I got, I went to a chiropractor. No,

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that's not to do with my eyes, but my pelvic floor

9:13

is again, has dropped. Basically

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I'm doing the work on the, on the, on

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the, the body that you, that doesn't,

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then the non sexy parts. I have

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acupuncture session booked for Friday and cupping.

9:26

Oh God, I can't wait to hear

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what that's like. Yeah. I'm going to get

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cupped. What does that do though? No idea.

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Not a clue. I just feel like I'm

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going to go down. I'm going to start going holistic.

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I think it looks so cool when you go around with a

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cup. Mark, she knows what she's out. I

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think the exact same thing. Ooh,

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someone understands their body. She's yeah.

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She's looking after herself. Yeah. She's

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a little, little circular burn marks all over her

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back. Cause

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it doesn't look like it's cigarettes. Well

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no. I'm

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excited to tell you all about the cupping and the acupuncture. I

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feel like this is the turning point in

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my life. I'm going through a change before

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I have the big change. I'm getting healthy.

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I'm getting ready. Do you want

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the big changes? I would say it's not

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in your near future, but I like that you're starting to look

10:15

after yourself. I think that you need to do your

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all your bloods.

10:18

Yeah. Portante, very important.

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And I feel like I spend enough time,

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you know what I mean? Like I sit there bleaching my teeth,

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but like we appreciate that. My colon could

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be falling out of me and I'd be like, oh, well, as long

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as you know what I mean? As long as there's a glow on the skin,

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but like the glow could be like death, you

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know, so that's what I do. It's

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wet because I'm about to get cremated to death.

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So that's what I that's where I am in my in

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my journey. I think I'm

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going to get in a sound bowl, that kind of thing. Oh,

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no, don't go too far now. So

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yeah, I'll start with the acupuncture. Apparently

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it kind of loosens up all your. I

10:58

think it makes you horny. I

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think I heard it makes you horny. Well,

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I suppose Alan suggested. I guess he's

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getting ready for this indecent proposal

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situation that he clearly has in the pipeline. Oh,

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that's exciting stuff. Actually, we're

11:13

going to look at you and she's going to be walking outside in her

11:15

bare feet onto the grass, drinking a thing

11:18

of cacao.

11:18

Machetee. Like I'm

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earthing. I'm earthing. Grounding.

11:23

They call it grounding. That's it. Grounding.

11:28

Yeah, it's about time. Like same. Like,

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honestly, these last two years, you've even seen

11:33

it. Like the road is tough on a woman. It's

11:35

tough. It's rough. It's tough.

11:37

I feel like it would be tough on anyone, but it's just

11:39

so much fun. I can't help but get involved

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in the fun. I'd say my liver looks

11:44

like a bag

11:44

of minced meat at this stage. So I'm really

11:46

going to give this a go. Yeah.

11:50

Well, we'll see what your test come back like. If her if her

11:52

test don't come back, but I know she's going to hit it. Mere

11:54

to me. If the test is a test, go back. Fine. I'll get

11:56

to my beat.

12:09

Hi,

12:10

bougie and Joanne. Hello.

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I know it's a while since you did how I

12:15

found out he was cheating, but they're all timeless

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tales. They are. Here we go. They are.

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They're classic. They're like the little

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black dress of infidelity. I love

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them. I do feel nervous though

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when I see it because I just feel so bad for people

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because I don't want them to be sad. Um,

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I actually find them quite comforting.

12:33

I was married to my husband for a year, but we'd been

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together for seven years before that it

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was coming up to his birthday and I wanted to surprise him

12:40

with a weekend away.

12:41

I needed to find our passport

12:44

to check us in on the flights. And as I searched through our desk

12:46

drawer, I found a digital camera.

12:49

Oh,

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so fucking 2008, which

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I had no idea we owned. I turned

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it on. I

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turned it on and the strength of what I found was

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the sort of thing. Vogue. The

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strength of what I found was the sort of thing

13:11

Vogue watches on the internet. I've already been down

13:14

that hole today. I've already been

13:18

down there today.

13:20

Oh wow. Oh no. Him and this woman

13:23

had enough footage to make anal adventures,

13:25

the movie and

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have enough for a couple of sequels

13:29

left over. Oh, I mean, I'm

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glad that you're making a joke of this because this

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is terrible. Sorry, but how can

13:37

what is he Steven Steven Spielberg? How can he have

13:39

a not and take loads of photos at the same time?

13:41

That's, I think a lot

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of, they must have been videos as well. After

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my head stops spinning on my shoulders, like the exorcist

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and my rage was shoved into the corner to deal

13:51

with in the next life. I left him,

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forgot about him and I've moved on.

13:56

Oh, I love you. I gave myself

13:58

six months of worldly. literally

14:01

worldly. I crossed four continents.

14:05

All funded by selling our supposed Marisol

14:07

home. I've now met an absolute

14:10

dream boat in Geneva, which probably means he's absolutely

14:13

minted or a tax dodger. Equally

14:15

as hot.

14:16

Allegedly.

14:19

A year ago I was living with my shit bag X

14:21

in the Midland and now I get up every morning,

14:24

get the

14:24

ride and drink coffee while I gaze at Swiss

14:27

mountains. Wow. That's

14:29

I love. Yeah. That's bragging

14:31

over. Like I love

14:33

that. It's very Tina Turner. Yeah.

14:35

Yes. That's yeah. I'll come

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home soon and face my adult life and the fact that I've

14:40

pissed all my money away. I, do

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you know what? I kind of wish I'd ended at the mountains.

14:44

I feel like, well, we don't know. This might go

14:46

somewhere with the Geneva fella and people in

14:48

Geneva are rich. They're all rich.

14:50

You know in Geneva, if you get us, if you

14:52

get a, um, if you get a, if

14:54

you get a speeding ticket, they do

14:56

it on the amount of your wealth. So if they know that you

14:58

earn like 300 grand a year, you could get like a

15:01

two grand speeding ticket instead of somebody who earns

15:03

like 20 grand a year would get like a $60 speeding

15:06

ticket.

15:07

I just wanted to tell anyone going through a breakup

15:09

that you do recover and your life is your own. I

15:11

feel like she has really got the essence of

15:13

me. I feel inspired. I think

15:17

that's really nice and it is nice to tell people.

15:19

And also I feel inspired. My

15:21

only tips for breakups is when people

15:24

ask you to do stuff, even if you don't

15:25

want to do it, make sure you do it because

15:27

it will then you'll love going out, then you'll hate

15:29

it at the start and then you'll really enjoy it. 100%.

15:32

And also for anyone else listening

15:34

to lead anal off

15:36

your camera, please just delete

15:39

any anal off your camera. It shouldn't be there. Your

15:41

partner could find us and then

15:43

they'll run off and have a better life in Geneva. And then you're the fuck

15:46

and you just, you know what I mean? Yeah. Think ahead.

15:57

Hi Joanna Vogue. I need your help. I

16:00

think we're the wrong people to ask, but let's give it a go.

16:02

Um, I've been seeing this guy at work for the last 18

16:05

months and we've been a secret the whole time.

16:08

He has also been dating other women most

16:10

of this time. And he just says

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he doesn't feel ready for us.

16:14

Get rid 18 months. Get

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lost.

16:18

He's not nice to you. You can even

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hear, I think sometimes it's good to write

16:23

stuff down. Cause then when you hear a red back,

16:25

you're like, Oh, hold on a second. This is outrageous.

16:27

Yeah.

16:29

Have you ever wrote stuff down and you look back and you're

16:31

like, Oh, wow. Wow. I was having a crazy

16:33

day. Sometimes I don't like to think back

16:36

on the shit that I've done. Cause you're like, Oh no,

16:38

it's so, it was so obvious what

16:40

was happening. But I was, you

16:42

know, the way you're

16:42

in denial that the heart wants what it wants.

16:45

It sees what it wants to see. And he's

16:47

probably giving, is that the end of the email or is there more? No,

16:50

sorry. There's more. Okay. Well, um, as

16:52

he just come out of a longterm relationship

16:53

separated from his wife, when we started, I

16:55

could understand feelings on this time. But now it

16:57

just really hurts that he won't commit to me and makes

17:00

me feel like I'm not good enough.

17:01

True. Recently a new girl

17:03

started work and he blatantly fancies her and flirts

17:06

with her in front of me. Oh,

17:08

the worst part is I'm friends with this girl as we work

17:10

together previously.

17:12

No, he's taken a bit. No, I'll

17:14

tell you this is, it's, it's for, to

17:17

me anyway, this seems very clear. He's

17:19

going to hear her PS though. PS.

17:23

I know I should end things with them

17:24

and I've tried so many times, but it's so hard when we work

17:26

together and are speaking every day. That is true.

17:29

He offers me these nuggets of hope that's Greg

17:31

bread crumbing,

17:33

talking about our future together. Plus the

17:35

sex is amazing. I think that you need to

17:37

go and have sex with other people.

17:40

Yeah. I had a similar situation. It's very

17:43

hard to remove yourself, but

17:45

you're going to have to work together.

17:47

You're going to have to dig

17:49

deep and white knuckle it out of that

17:51

because he it's only going to get worse. And

17:54

he basically, because he's just

17:56

come out of a long-term relationship, he's absolutely

17:58

zero. interest in committing

18:00

himself again. He's just not going to. So

18:02

he's just going to, he's just going to

18:05

fuck around. I know he's having his cake

18:07

and he's eating it too. Sadly, what he's

18:09

doing, which is what people do. Everyone wants to

18:11

have their cake and eat it too. Not many people

18:14

would set her free because people are, you

18:16

know, we're selfish, but it's

18:18

up to her. He's not gonna, he's not going to kick

18:20

her to the curb. She needs to remove

18:23

herself with dignity before it gets

18:25

really toxic. Yeah. And don't

18:27

feel bad because like we've all been that

18:29

there. Oh God. Yeah. And

18:32

I say remove yourself. I didn't

18:34

remove myself. I was very, I

18:36

was very rudely removed.

18:41

I've been kicked to so many curbs.

18:43

Like I could, I'm practically a lollipop lady.

18:45

I've seen so many. So I

18:48

wouldn't feel bad, but it's, I can see, I can

18:50

see, I can see this situation so

18:52

clearly. It's not going to end. And it's

18:54

really hard when the sex is good. That's the worst part.

18:57

I know. Good sex is the best when

18:59

you get there. You get Dictitised by some wanker

19:02

in your office. Listen, we've

19:05

all been in there. Dictitised.

19:08

Dictitised.

19:14

That's it for the bonus episode this week. We

19:16

will see you on Friday. On

19:18

Friday. Good night. Have

19:21

a good one.