0:02

This is a Global Player original

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podcast.

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Welcome to my therapist goes to meet the bonus edition

0:13

with me, Drá Mac Náilí and her Vogue Williams.

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That was a very good intro. I thoroughly

0:19

enjoyed it. Thank you. I

0:21

thought it was it was consistent

0:24

and confident. Very

0:26

confident. But not arrogant. No,

0:29

humble, determined. It was humble.

0:31

It was humble. I'm really worried

0:34

that there's a strong chance I'm going to lose

0:36

you to Ross Lair. What are you

0:38

moving down? I'm

0:41

raising a child down here now. Let

0:43

me tell you, I am exhausted

0:47

and I didn't even have to get up for the feeds last night. I

0:49

was saying to Audrey, you know, you can wake me at any

0:51

time. Like if you need if you need help with

0:53

the feeds, bell to the door should turned off

0:55

the phone, took a sleeping tablet. Good luck. If

0:59

she fucking wakes me, I'll

1:01

go mental.

1:04

Do you know? You've made your choices,

1:07

Audrey. You've made your bed and now lying it with

1:09

your teeny tiny three week old baby crying itself

1:11

to sleep. I'm going downstairs to my bedroom, please. That's

1:14

what Amber always says to me. You

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chose to have three children, Vogue. Do you know

1:19

the difference between this baby and Otto? This

1:22

baby's a girl and I can see

1:24

the favouritism.

1:24

It's seeping from your

1:26

pores. It's like, do

1:29

you see the little pink dresses and all? She's buying

1:31

the baby. She's literally bought the baby an entire

1:34

wardrobe. Well, do you know what, Joanne? Whatever.

1:37

OK, I bought little ruffled pink pantaloons

1:41

and for her big bum that I'm going to help her

1:43

grow in the gym. And then also

1:46

a coral pink Adidas

1:48

track suit for a two

1:50

year old. Because I feel this is this is my strategy.

1:52

I'm buying baby presents. They

1:55

don't wear things for long, so I'd like you

1:57

to have. You can give the illusion

1:58

of having a long. lasting present because it has

2:01

to sit in the wardrobe for two years. That's my that's

2:03

always been my strategy. Otto would have liked

2:05

a coral pink tracksuit too from

2:07

Annie Lass. Otto was a hard man to buy

2:09

for because Otto was dripping in her maze. Her

2:12

maze. Audrey's kids poor. Do you know

2:14

what I mean? It appreciates shit like that.

2:16

I'm

2:21

actually taking the piss. She's a dentist. She does okay.

2:24

She's a... I didn't know she lived in Rotter. That's

2:27

Audrey

2:27

the dentist. Audrey the dentist.

2:29

Who was slagging off my yellow front

2:32

tooth for as long as... Oh I forgot

2:34

it was Audrey. Cut all, all

2:36

things about Audrey. You have to be cut from this pod joke.

2:38

Okay.

2:40

We did great laugh about the tooth last night. Remember

2:45

how bad it was? I

2:47

actually forgot.

2:48

I actually had forgotten until you just said it there.

2:50

It was a luminous yellow and I had to

2:52

go around with that for two weeks because I was

2:55

waiting for my new veneer. So I just had like this yellow

2:57

peg sticking out of the front of my mouth.

3:00

But the thing is that Audrey would notice stuff like

3:02

that because that's like her business. That's her bread and butter.

3:04

I didn't notice it at all. But Audrey was like why is

3:06

Voke got a yellow tooth? It looked like I had a

3:08

highlighter pen stuck into my gums.

3:11

Like it was... It couldn't have been yellow

3:13

or... Joe you noticed it. Don't even try and

3:15

be nice. No I didn't.

3:16

No I didn't. I honestly didn't remember it. It's

3:19

like having a little head torch. It's extra

3:21

visibility. It's like having a cat

3:24

eye in your mouth. I'm

3:26

at home in Dublin and I said

3:29

to Amber because Theodore has been asking for a cat. And

3:31

like I'm not mad to get a cat. I don't think Winston would

3:33

be into it. And I was like Amber I'm getting a cat for the house

3:35

in Dublin. And she took an absolute

3:38

flip out. She doesn't want a cat. But

3:41

so as Benny's parents were trying to... They

3:43

were going to go and buy

3:46

Theodore a budgie. A

3:48

budgie for my house. A

3:50

bird that lives in a cage in

3:53

the house and stinks.

3:56

Can you imagine? Hold on. Do they stink though?

3:58

Are they not just a kind of... I

4:01

would, you're not going to parrot so you can teach it out to talk and

4:03

have a bit of crack with us. I feel like a pirate would

4:05

take your eyes out and claw your head off.

4:07

You get chlamydia of parrots. Don't

4:09

get, oh yeah, Joe, that's where you got chlamydia. Sure.

4:12

Christ. You get chlamydia. You

4:14

can get chlamydia off anything

4:15

these days. I heard, I was told a story about

4:17

a porn star the other day because this girl that I know

4:19

was filming with them and basically

4:22

one of them got chlamydia of the eye

4:24

because someone had jizzed in her eye

4:27

and she got chlamydia of the eye

4:29

and

4:29

you can lose your sight. Clap of the eye. Where's

4:32

your eyes clapping together? Look

4:34

at her winking because that's what it would look like.

4:37

Your eyes clapping. Slow clap.

4:40

You know when someone's really like, you

4:43

don't want to be a shit job. You could do that with your eyes.

4:45

It'd be great. I do at the end of the podcast. Nicole

4:47

Kidman's clapping. I remember her. A slow clap

4:50

of the eye. Slow clap

4:52

of the eye. Nicole

4:54

Kidman, what was her clap? Do

4:57

you not remember her clap like this with her fingers? No.

5:00

What was she clapping for? Don't remember. Oh my

5:02

God, Joanne, that's right up your street to see something like

5:04

that. You love when people do weird things. Was

5:08

it at an awards and she didn't like it? It

5:10

was at

5:10

an award show and everyone was like, why

5:12

is Nicole Kidman clapping like that? Oh

5:15

really? I'll

5:16

have to go. Yeah. This is possible.

5:19

This is following on from the

5:21

call I did by Petitness. Petit

5:28

stuff people have done during breakups

5:32

and had done to them, et cetera, et cetera.

5:34

I'll never be full of these stories.

5:36

I just don't, I think it's limitless how much

5:38

I want to hear about these stories. It's actually really

5:40

sadistic.

5:42

It's because they're so smart. You're

5:44

like, oh my God, I never would have, I never would have thought of

5:47

stitching a goldfish into his curtain. Well,

5:49

actually no, that's, that's actually a classic made

5:51

that's

5:51

vintage. Even fish in someone's house

5:53

is desperate. Like just chubbing a fish under their

5:56

pillow or something like tucking sardines

5:58

under the rim of the toilet. Oh, my

6:01

ex hates all fish. I

6:03

love tuna. And anytime I ate it over

6:05

the years, he'd be gagging. Couldn't touch the tin of the sink

6:08

or the drama preciousness. Luckily my son

6:10

loves tuna too. So obviously I make sure that he gets

6:13

his favorite sandwich on the day. His dad collects them.

6:15

Always have a little smile thinking of X dealing

6:18

with the half eaten

6:18

tuna sandwich leftovers in his stinking lunchbox.

6:22

That's nice. And it's actually, it's, you

6:24

know, the kid is enjoying it. And it's

6:26

not, I don't find that that nasty. No,

6:29

it's that's quite innocent. It's very PG,

6:31

but you're making your point. I like it. Well done.

6:33

Five stars. Five stars. We will give you that. When

6:36

I was younger, a boyfriend cheated on me with

6:38

my flatmate. Oh, I

6:40

was brain blackout devastated and I

6:42

needed revenge to cleanse my soul.

6:44

At the time, my

6:47

dad ran a private security business and had a

6:49

stack of wheel clamps in the garage. I

6:51

took four clamps. Yes. I

6:54

did all four wheels and clamped his

6:56

car in the multi-story car park near his work.

6:59

Every day he

6:59

didn't move his car. He was charged 14 pounds

7:01

a day for parking. Unless

7:04

he cut them off, which wouldn't have been easy. The

7:06

only way to remove them was to call the number

7:08

on the clamps, which put him through

7:10

to my dad. Understandably,

7:13

dad wasn't in a hurry to help him. He was also

7:15

raging with me for stealing his clamps. And eventually

7:18

my ex got his car out of the car park after nine

7:21

days. So for the slow mathematicians,

7:22

it cost him 126 pounds. That's

7:27

he got, that's it. That's cheap. That's cheap. She

7:30

could have done him. She could have done him dirty or not. No, I

7:32

know. But it's more about like, right.

7:34

That's what it costs him to get the car. I don't forget.

7:36

He has to get public transport. He's got the annoyance

7:39

of taking longer to get in and out of work. So

7:41

there's

7:41

all those annoying things. Like

7:43

how was he doing his shopping? You know, he'd

7:46

have to, you're right. Online shopping

7:48

then. Yeah, you're right. No, there was more to it.

7:50

I'm sorry. I was just looking at the cost. I'm sorry.

7:52

I was just looking at the bottom line. Well done. We also,

7:54

you can have five stars. Well done.

7:57

And I think that I enjoyed

7:59

that. I liked the. physicality of that, getting down

8:01

your hands and knees, clamping on the clamps,

8:04

you know what I mean? That's real, like I

8:06

can feel the rage behind that. There's froth

8:08

at the mates. That would make you feel good

8:10

though, each clamp that goes on, you're just like,

8:12

yes! Yeah, you can hear the noise

8:15

of us. I still think the fish in a

8:17

bed for me would be great. Just smelly fish

8:19

under the rug or something like that. Just chuck a smelly

8:21

fish, like a few mackerel under

8:24

the couch cushion or something.

8:26

Nightmare. I don't know, I mean, ultimately

8:28

they'll find the fish. I do enjoy

8:31

the kind of public shaming. Do you see

8:33

this show at the moment called Claim to Fame? Cause

8:35

Tom Hanks' niece has had an absolute tantrum

8:38

on it. Did you see this? There's a show

8:40

in America called Claim to Fame, which the only

8:42

reason I'm aware it exists is because Tom Hanks'

8:44

niece is going viral at the moment because

8:45

basically everyone in there has

8:48

a claim to fame. I'm assuming it's like a famous

8:50

relative or maybe they were like a child star or something.

8:52

I don't know. And the other contestants

8:54

have to guess what their claim to fame is. And if they guess

8:56

correctly, the person gets voted, like has to leave.

8:59

So anyway, this person

9:00

figured out this

9:02

girl's claim to fame was that her uncle

9:04

was Tom Hanks. And she gets

9:07

voted off. And to say

9:09

she had, she's like a toddler in a toy

9:11

shop. Ah, screaming,

9:14

I should have had more comedy time. Oh,

9:17

that's wild. Yeah. It's just like.

9:19

It's what, you're not, you're not, you're

9:21

not Tom Hanks. I know,

9:24

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for Tom

9:26

Hanks now. And like Tom Hanks would have known

9:28

she was going on, but he wouldn't have known that she

9:30

was gonna

9:31

act like such a gobshite.

9:33

And it's like, oh God, Tom Hanks didn't need

9:35

that in his life. No, I texted her, get your shit

9:37

together. It's your uncle Tom. You're making a show out of the

9:39

family. Yeah, you're not a Hank anymore.

9:42

You're out.

9:53

What would our claim to fame be? Show

9:56

yours would be that you know us. Yeah. I

10:03

probably say that my, that my

10:05

mom was friends with 10 Lizzie. That

10:08

would be mine. Yeah. Your

10:10

mom, your mom was friends with 10 Lizzie. Yeah.

10:13

I went to a party in his house and stuff like that. Cause they lived like three

10:15

doors up from them. Phil in a, yeah. No

10:18

way. Hold on. Hold on.

10:21

Hold on. Hold on. I

10:23

didn't say they were close friends. Okay. I

10:25

did your mom just go back to an after party once

10:27

and Phil in a scuff. No, Joanne,

10:30

they knew each other very well. He lived

10:32

three doors up and he invited

10:35

all the sisters

10:35

to their, to his parties. Sounds

10:38

a bit sexy. I don't think it was sexy

10:40

to go on. What's your claim? There must be

10:42

something. I modeled

10:44

on live at three at nine years of age with Derek Davis. That's

10:47

not bad. That was, was so exciting.

10:50

Derek has passed since, but as, as he,

10:53

I don't know, we know me and we have, we

10:55

have to, we have some sort of illness, some sort

10:58

of where we just don't know his dad. We

11:00

don't know his dad. I don't think I've ever heard

11:02

of him, but I didn't want to like poop poo on

11:04

your story. So I had

11:06

a petty flu with gay burn at the RTD

11:08

canteen once book correction. When I, when

11:10

I actually unpack the memory, I was eating a petty flu

11:12

while

11:12

he walked past. Oh,

11:15

that would have been bad. Oh, oh, gay burn used to

11:17

come into the shop that I worked in and I counted

11:19

money out of his hand one time for

11:21

his groceries. Yeah. There's an

11:23

extra in fair city at 14 years

11:25

of age. I had a cup of tea and McCoy's

11:28

in the background. Derek

11:30

Davis sadly passed in 2015.

11:32

There you go. Exactly. It's worth more now because

11:35

he's passed. He's more. I can't. They

11:37

recorded an ad in my school once and I, and I was seen walking

11:39

in the background of the hall

11:41

of the school. I was a member of the Disney club and

11:43

sang at the concert hall at age nine. I don't know

11:45

if that's true. Mickey, Mickey, Mickey,

11:48

who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me. M-A-C-K-Y-M-O-U-S-C.

11:51

Will I go on?

11:52

That's actually like

11:54

you have had an amazing career.

11:56

What happened? I have indeed. I

12:02

went full time into show business at 38.

12:04

That's what fucking happened. And

12:07

you have to leave at 40 of two years. I'm

12:09

out. Yeah. Do you want to read another

12:12

email with one more?

12:14

Years and years ago, I lived with my boyfriend

12:16

at the time. We were together for over a year. When

12:18

we broke up, I found out that he had cheated on

12:20

me with a girl in our casual friendship group.

12:23

The girl had been living in Ireland on a visa and

12:25

was American. He had also cheated on me

12:27

with a couple

12:27

of other girls that I didn't know. The

12:30

American hits hard though, doesn't she always feel they something you

12:32

have that you don't, there's something they have. I feel like I know

12:34

what's going to happen. I'd get her like removed

12:37

from the country. Straight on

12:39

to what's his name that follows us. Did he shock

12:41

me home? Martin?

12:42

No, the other one. Leo of rocker. We'd

12:45

be straight onto the of rock. And we say, Leo, get

12:47

her out, get her out. We're going to start a

12:49

campaign against you. Would you not

12:51

go on the end of that? Would you not go straight to the top? Would

12:53

you not go to me on it? Me or follows

12:55

me. No, he doesn't.

12:58

Sorry, babe. He follows you. Okay. Well, that's it. Well, then

13:00

I am going to Leo. I am going to you. Sorry,

13:02

babe. That's not me. A couple of months after

13:04

we broke up, I get a phone call from the girl. Let's call

13:06

her Mary to ask me for the alarm code for

13:08

the apartment that me and Mark had lived in as

13:10

she forgot it. And it wouldn't stop going off. I

13:12

told her the wrong code on purpose. Obviously. Then

13:15

a couple of years later, out of the blue, I got a Facebook

13:17

message from Mark asking what

13:19

was our address when we lived together? He couldn't

13:22

remember. As he needed all his

13:24

previous addresses to apply for his American visa.

13:26

Again, I obviously gave him the wrong address. Prick

13:30

got his visa in the end, but fuck

13:32

it. I learned so much from that whole

13:34

experience and I'm all the better for it now. Love the pod.

13:37

Oh, that's such like, do you know what? Like,

13:39

why would you ring her? Like don't

13:42

involve her. Like you've obviously

13:44

fucked her over and now you're asking her for favorites,

13:47

leave her alone. She'll live her life

13:49

and don't drag her into your bullshit. She's

13:51

not going to help make your new life easier.

13:54

No, she's going to interfere. As

13:56

is her right.

13:57

Nice that he got a visa out of it though in fairness.

14:00

I'm telling you. Even if him and Mary broke up, he'll always have

14:02

the visa.

14:03

We can go back and cut this out of

14:05

the podcast if it ever happens, but I would marry an American

14:07

for a visa in a shot. Now, if I get engaged

14:09

to an American next week, we'll obviously have to take this bit out.

14:14

I'm like, what? I love him. Yee-har.

14:17

Good luck. Oh, God. The royal vagina

14:20

is clean. Off I go.

14:31

Thank you so much for listening to

14:34

the bonus episode and we love all your messages,

14:36

so keep them coming in. Oh, God, what

14:38

is it? Hello at MTGMPod.com.

14:41

If you like the podcast, subscribe and leave a review.

14:43

It really helps us. And

14:45

it helps other people to find us. Yeah,

14:47

that's what your man says in Diary

14:49

of a CEO and he's huge. So I think

14:51

we should be saying the same thing. Joe, you never asked

14:54

us to say it. It was always in the script.

14:56

We've been through this so many times. What

14:58

script? Yeah,

15:02

exactly.

15:22

Bye. Bye.