0:02

This is a Global Player original

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podcast.

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Hello and welcome to my therapist

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goes to me, but me, Bo Williams and Joanne

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McAuley. McWho? McAuley.

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McAuley.

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Quite rude. McAuley. Welcome

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Joanne, Joanna McAuley.

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This is an episode from the archives,

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from our library, Joe, our library

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of episodes.

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Viog Williams and I

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have a library, if you can believe that.

0:39

Viog? Viog?

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Viog, Viog, Viog, Viog. Viog

0:46

Williams and I own a library. It's

0:48

not a sentence I ever thought I'd say, but we do.

0:55

My

0:55

head is so far up my ass that you'd assume it would make

0:57

my ass bigger, but it hasn't, which is a sad

0:59

downside. I have to say I'm very happy with my

1:01

bum at the moment. My God,

1:03

I nearly went too far and sent. I saw a picture of myself

1:05

because John and I have been doing like serious ass exercises.

1:07

Vogue, I cannot be happy with a woman who's happy with her

1:09

body. I'm sorry, you weirdo. Joanne, my

1:12

arse, I saw a picture of it. You know, when you see yourself behind

1:14

you, you're like, oh, you actually shoulder.

1:17

Now, I was in a great pair of leggings.

1:19

I nearly sent John a picture of my ass and then I was

1:21

like, that's too far. Yeah, no, we can't send

1:23

John. We can't send John body shots. No,

1:25

you can't send ass pictures. It's unacceptable. But

1:28

anyway, my ass. So you're happy with your body? I didn't

1:30

say I was happy with my body. That's a million listeners

1:32

gone. Thanks, Vogue. You

1:36

have to hate yourself as part of being

1:38

a woman. Listen,

1:40

I hate my legs. I hate my legs. Someone

1:43

mailed me today and they were like, you and Amber

1:45

have the same legs.

1:46

I thought, I won't tell her that. You've

1:48

got great legs, but just stop. Anyway, I'm delighted

1:50

for you that you're happy with your body. I mean, I'll never

1:52

see you again, but I'm absolutely thrilled. Stop saying body, I

1:54

said ass. That's a cute, but that's a very

1:57

important part. No one's happy with their ass. I've

1:59

been trying. really hard with the artist. We've been

2:01

doing like non-stop, bum bum bum bum bum. Boom.

2:05

Isn't it weird the way dimples in your face are cute, but

2:07

dimples in your mouth are not cute? So someone's like,

2:09

oh, I love your dimples. You're like, they're definitely

2:11

not the ones in my ass. You're definitely talking about the ones in my face. I

2:13

like a face dimple. Yeah, but we do look like an ass

2:15

dimple. But you can't R on the mouth.

2:18

You should be able to R on your own ass. Supposedly

2:20

you can inject them with this stuff that gets

2:22

rid of the

2:23

fat that makes it wrinkly like that. But

2:25

some women, and these are women obviously,

2:27

will never hang around with. Have no cellulite.

2:30

None. Goes to listeners, I just want to

2:32

reassure you that I despise myself. So

2:35

if what Focca

2:37

said has triggered you massively, rest

2:40

assured, I fucking hate

2:42

myself. So there you go. I'm sorry for what

2:44

I said about my artist, OK? I

2:46

think we should cut it out, to be honest. Joe, cut that out.

2:48

Cut that out. Unrelatable.

2:52

I think that's going to have to go.

2:58

Do you know what I have realized though? First

3:01

of all, just living Barcelona is the most amazing city

3:04

ever. The sun, the heat, and all the rambles.

3:06

Do they still have the ferrets along that

3:08

long, weird street? Those rambles.

3:10

Yeah, yeah. I didn't see any ferrets. Oh, they used

3:12

to sell ferrets along the way. I always thought I'd like a ferret. Hmm,

3:15

quite cute and long. Did

3:17

you see the bat? Cute and long, she's gone. She's gone.

3:20

The holiday's over, she's gone. Cute and long, she's on

3:22

to a bat. Yeah, what is the crack? Some girl

3:24

met for, I just want to say, I just want to say. Sorry.

3:28

It's amazing, her brain. It's like, it's unbelievable.

3:30

Well, ferret, Barcelona, bat. Yeah,

3:33

I can see how that happens. I want to go back to the holiday.

3:35

The last thing I'll say about the holiday, it was really, really lovely.

3:38

I do think tapas are a bit of a card though. They're basically

3:40

just chips. Like, the does potatoes, if I

3:43

see another potato, bro. And

3:46

the, I love a prawn.

3:47

But don't bring them to me in their little shell gaffes.

3:50

No. Because I can't get them out. I'm just

3:52

putting in a shift trying to get them open. And you only get

3:54

a tiny nug. You only get like a tic-tac

3:56

size bit out. No, if you're trying to lose

3:59

a bit of waste, that would be...

3:59

the way to go because you spend so long doing it you just

4:02

give up. Do you know what I'd rather starve? 100%. That's

4:04

a very important message. Leave that in. Send

4:12

that out to the women of the disorder clinics. So I

4:14

got a message because you know what I don't

4:16

know what folks, sometimes we have some holidays and not

4:19

look at those stories and all. But I think some girl

4:21

just messaged me going, classic vogue. Had

4:26

the bat in her house, asked for help, but she won't read her

4:28

DMs. I was like, what is going on? Well

4:33

first of all, I don't know what people think of me,

4:35

but they're like, you can't hurt the

4:38

bat. I don't want to tell you, you said there was a bat in

4:40

the house?

4:40

In Ireland, there's a bat in the house in Ireland. So

4:43

Amber was sending us videos the night before

4:45

she spotted the bat and Megan was like, it's a moth. It

4:47

has to be a moth. It was in the bathroom. And I was like, it

4:50

was a pretty big moth. And I didn't

4:52

realize how scared it was about it. Then it

4:54

had nestled, even the way they

4:56

sleep upside down. Why are you asleep

4:58

upside down? Good for college and though they do look

5:01

good. They do look good in fairness.

5:03

This one was a baby bat. And he went

5:05

into Otto's town and was just sleeping there for the

5:07

whole day. So everyone

5:10

was like, don't kill the bat. You can't kill,

5:11

like I would never kill, I wouldn't even kill a rat

5:13

if it was in my house. No, I can't see you banging a bat against

5:15

a wolf. Imagine, they're like, they're a protected

5:18

species. That's why I took

5:20

the story down. So I was like, if one more person suggests

5:23

I'm going to

5:23

murder the bat, we didn't murder the bat. We

5:25

actually opened the window. We were Googling all these bat facts

5:28

and supposedly they can sneak in a hole like 1.5 centimeters.

5:31

Like they're really scary. Like, I mean, they're not big

5:33

animals. I'm sad. Well, I was like, I don't

5:35

mean to be

5:37

controversial now, but like, if you can't kill a bat, bats

5:39

have been killing us for the last couple of years. Is that not how this

5:41

whole shit show started? Was it not a bat jumping

5:43

out of a cage and moving on? No. Why

5:46

are bats standing up for bats? I said that

5:48

and Spenny was like, that's not true. That's not what happened.

5:50

A devil happened with a bat. They're kind

5:52

of cute. I just don't like that. They don't know where

5:54

they're going. So anyway, they're blind. They're

5:56

blind. They're not. That's

5:59

not true.

6:00

That's not true. Bad facts, this is what I

6:02

don't understand. Blind is a bat, makes no sense. Bats

6:04

have incredible vision. I thought they had incredible

6:07

hearing. How do you think you got out of the cage? Well, we

6:09

opened the window. We opened

6:11

the window and it must have felt the

6:12

air or something like that. But they are frightening

6:14

because they're just unpredictable. I don't know where they're going to go.

6:16

Yeah, and they're not lookers. I don't want their wings touching

6:19

me. They're not lookers now. They're weird. They're

6:21

spooky looking. Have you ever seen an L's legs? If

6:25

you lift up an L's feathers. Have

6:27

you seen it? It's got full blown cape mask legs. If

6:29

you shaved an L, their body,

6:32

have you never seen a shaved L?

6:36

Their body is... What beauticians

6:38

are you going to? How have you seen a shaved L? I'm

6:40

going to show you the shaved L. Like,

6:42

I've never seen any... I'm sure I showed

6:45

you this before. It's like you're going to get waxed in a veterinarian

6:47

clinic. Now wait, Lucy. Google

6:50

L's legs. You'll never... I thought I actually

6:52

came up with this. Didn't I? Yeah.

6:55

If you upscurge an L, but you can't, it's

6:57

going to fill up. It would

6:59

have really long legs. Oh my God, my legs

7:01

are fantastic! No! That's legs

7:03

I can only dream of. My legs! Like,

7:08

I want to show that picture to John Belton. Like, this is

7:10

what I want. This is what I want for myself. Excuse

7:12

me, John, why isn't this happening? Look at the tone and everything. Oh

7:14

my God. Look at the muscle tone. Do

7:16

you know I was watching the staircase? It's because

7:19

I'm picking up all the mice and everything. And the women, yeah, because

7:21

you're a dead... They're back-hilled women. That's

7:23

not true. Your man obviously kills

7:25

the wife, is he? No. The

7:27

staircase.

7:28

Yeah, if you believe the cow

7:30

or whatever. What's

7:32

happening? The

7:36

cow! The cow came into the house and threw

7:38

it down the stairs. So there's a kind of a true

7:41

crime story. It's

7:43

true, obviously, and a crime. About

7:46

a guy, a man, who his wife was found like

7:49

viciously beaten to death at the

7:51

end of their stairs in their

7:53

house. And it's called Staircase, and there's been like

7:56

true crime and it's been turned into an Netflix documentary,

7:58

blah, blah, blah. But...

7:59

Skye, Skye with Tony Collett and it's

8:02

actually very good. He went to court but it was just

8:04

one of those freak accidents but I did a deep dive

8:06

on this a while ago and they said that there

8:08

was no, so

8:09

it was genuinely thinking Elle

8:12

came in because she was in this really narrow staircase

8:14

and there was so much blood but there was no,

8:16

I know this is kind of gruesome, like backlash. Do you know

8:18

what I mean? The blood specialist was like if he'd hit

8:20

her

8:21

there'd be splat, blood splattered

8:23

on the wall behind her, there was none of that. It was just this

8:25

really freaky incident.

8:27

I just had a... I mean a woman was murdered, it's more than an incident

8:29

but anyway I heard somewhere it

8:32

was an owl and neither I've seen those legs. I'm completely

8:34

willing to believe it. But when you do see the

8:37

the claw marks, like I would not like to be attacked by

8:39

an owl. That looks just terrific.

8:41

Not ideal. No not kill, but and

8:44

actually speaking of animals, sorry again I was giggling

8:46

this for theater the other day because he's obsessed with animals. Hippos,

8:49

hippos kill 500 people a year, they're the most

8:51

dangerous animal. Imagine being dragged underwater

8:53

by a hippo. If you see them, how fast they

8:55

go in water,

8:55

I was giggling videos. Terrifying. See

8:58

that's, but that's another false fact about hippos.

9:00

There's a, there's a, there's a... That's true. No no no I don't mean

9:02

that. I mean there's a false understanding that hippos are kind of lazy

9:05

and slow and friendly and... They are

9:07

not. So I went to Jersey Zoo when I

9:09

was in Jersey, which you're gonna love. Oh my god. A big fan

9:11

of Jersey. Yeah. And they have a lovely selection

9:13

of flamingos and it made me think

9:16

I've made a big mistake. That you didn't get the flamingo. I

9:18

should have, I was being cheap. Yeah. I should have got the

9:20

flamingo. I agree. Is it too late? I think it's

9:22

too late, the flamingo's gone. Well there'll be others. I'd

9:24

like if one from Jersey Zoo had

9:26

died because they're reading, they've got

9:28

nice coloring so I might wait for one of them. Flamingos

9:31

are not immortal. There will be another

9:32

flamingo on the market I'm sure. One of them looked

9:34

a bit rough. He looked like he was about

9:36

to... He lived a life. Yeah he lived his life. He

9:39

was on the way out. So I might actually

9:41

call them. Do you think I could call them and just ask them about it? Are

9:43

they the... How are the flamingos? How are

9:45

the flamingos? You're like what's the crack with getting him stuffed

9:47

and putting him in my... Tell no one. Tell no

9:49

one. Hey I was hoping I could buy one of those flamingos

9:51

to use as a coat rack. He could go beside

9:54

the bat. Joking I didn't kill the

9:56

bat. I

9:58

love the bat society out here.

9:59

There is a bad society. Of course there is.

10:10

Okay, Joanne, there was an email

10:12

that you didn't choose last week and I had a read

10:15

of it and I thought that's a bit up our street,

10:17

so I thought we could drag it into this week. Okay, you ready?

10:19

I was sat scrolling Facebook and realized my dad

10:21

had uploaded something on a story. He doesn't really

10:23

know how to use Facebook. So for him to upload

10:26

on a story, I thought that's odd. I

10:28

clicked on it to see he had uploaded a photo

10:30

of his Willy

10:32

on his story. I was so mortified

10:34

that I forced my partner to call my dad and tell him what had

10:36

happened. My partner called my dad and said, all

10:38

right, mate, you've uploaded a photo of your Willy onto

10:41

Facebook. My dad dropped the phone

10:43

in panic and had no idea how to take it down. So

10:45

I had to log in and remove

10:48

the phone. Just.

10:51

I'm so embarrassed for

10:53

him. I'm so embarrassed for her.

10:56

She had to see a picture of her. Well,

11:00

so

11:01

we need it. Okay.

11:03

Not great. Not great at all. Not

11:05

great. But it was, it's your original home. Come

11:10

on. Like let's not, you can't deny science.

11:13

That's biology. She was, it must

11:15

have brought back memories for her. Yeah,

11:17

you were. Yeah, exactly. You're like,

11:19

I recognize, I recognize that little sitting on

11:22

the bottom. Yeah, that place has been, has

11:24

been done off. That's

11:27

really changed.

11:28

It's weird going back and seeing your first home.

11:31

That's true. Also,

11:37

maybe, you know, it wasn't a

11:39

sexual thing. Maybe he's trying to send it to his doctor. Did

11:41

it look infected? Did it look unwell? Was

11:44

it a wreck? You know what I mean? There's a lot of questions

11:46

there. It might've just been, it might've been, it

11:48

might've just been, you know, wasn't it a medical context?

11:51

It could have been a

11:52

medical context. I didn't

11:54

even, you know, I didn't even think about why

11:56

he would have that picture on his phone. That

11:58

wasn't the bit that was scarring to me. that was like, I

12:00

wouldn't be able to handle if I had to

12:03

see that. Particularly because my dad's been dead 10

12:05

years, but like, I know. And I mean, not great. That's

12:07

still Sti.

12:13

I would find that like, but spending with, I

12:15

know you'd have to be on an archaeological day. I can,

12:17

I'm more than myself. You'd be like, toasting

12:20

a time with the brush to try

12:22

and see it. I found

12:25

something.

12:25

I found something. But

12:27

what was now that you've mentioned that what was the

12:29

dad of? Like, why did he have a picture of a dick?

12:32

This is why older people

12:34

using tech, like, and I, I'm,

12:36

I'm basically like a geriatric woman when it comes to technology.

12:38

I'm really bad at it. How I haven't accidentally

12:41

uploaded a photo of my nipple to me. It's the stories I don't

12:43

know. It's definitely something that's going to happen. I mean,

12:45

even you did it, you did it with our review

12:48

that time you accidentally uploaded to your WhatsApp. Oh my God,

12:50

I know, I know. So I can see it happening all

12:52

the time. Actually that's a good one. If people would send us in stuff,

12:54

they accidentally uploaded. Yes. That'd

12:56

be so good.

13:02

I don't know why I find Vogue's eyebrows

13:05

so hilarious. I don't know why. They're

13:07

like little slugs on my face, aren't they?

13:10

They're absolute slugs. Yeah. I spend

13:12

a lot, excuse me, a slug

13:14

Ella. Look at your brows. They're hardly

13:16

a skinny brow. No, but

13:18

yours are just really furry. They're just

13:21

cute. Like, they're like, if I, if I saw

13:23

them not on your face, I'd put them in a jar

13:25

and they'd probably live a happy life. They

13:28

turn into a butterfly. Spencer sometimes

13:30

talks at mine when I brush them up and he's like,

13:32

and I can just see his face. I'm like, don't say it. Don't

13:35

say it.

13:36

They're absolutely true. And you're always, you're always

13:39

at them. You're always like grooving them and co-offing them

13:41

and stuff. Can we talk

13:43

about your hair? Listen. You

13:45

look like I'm about to put you into Crofts. What

13:47

are those dogs? Joe, what are those long

13:50

kind of blonde hair dogs?

13:54

They're like curly blow dry done for Crofts.

13:56

I've never seen a weirder hairstyle on

13:58

you in my human experience.

13:59

Joanne, I just

14:02

had to do a shoot, right? And this is meant to be an undone

14:04

look and I've been dragging the head off my Who

14:07

was the shoot for? Was it for a nursing home?

14:08

I know. I've

14:12

never seen a

14:14

weirder blow dry.

14:17

I don't know what to do. I'm not washing my

14:19

hair again. Do you know how annoying that is? I just have to

14:21

live with this. This is life now. Shut up, Jo.

14:23

You're perfect hair, you asshole. You

14:27

look like you're collaborating with the funeral

14:29

home. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. The

14:31

headphones are saving it. Hang on a second.

14:37

It's like Irish dancing. Hang on. You're

14:39

the star that you're the best. You're the, you're

14:41

the dog. You're the star of the show for me. Dog

14:43

number three with the eyebrows.

14:48

I want to lift up its tail. Jesus

14:51

actually

14:52

wouldn't want to take offense on this podcast. The two

14:54

of you a second, I get the second my scream

14:56

popped up, you just start to piss yourself off.

14:59

I got my hair off my hair. We

15:03

never know what's going to meet us. Cause you've, you've, you've

15:06

such a weird

15:06

job that we literally have no idea

15:08

what to come on with the camera. Oh

15:11

my God. You could be sitting there dressed as Papa

15:13

pig. You could be sitting there with whatever's going

15:16

on now. This kind of geriatric blow dry. You

15:18

just don't know what you, anyway,

15:21

anyway, sorry. It's where we are. It's where we are.

15:24

Um, do you know why? Do you know why I have it? Because

15:26

I was, uh, I was doing a shoot last week, uh,

15:29

cause my new Lucy and Agal collab and like,

15:30

I was in charge of bringing the, and I organized

15:33

a show, shoot and I was bringing the clothes and everything like that.

15:35

And then I sent the pictures, smug as

15:37

book because I was like, they look amazing.

15:40

It's going to be brilliant. And then Lucy wrote back and

15:42

she goes, where are the ones with the tops? Well,

15:45

didn't I leave the house without the tops and did

15:47

I shoot them? No, I did not. So

15:50

I had to shoot them today. And she was actually, I was like, thanks

15:52

for being so sound and not giving out to me. What'd

15:55

you mean the tops? What did you do? Two

15:58

tops. Oh God. I can't put my hair by. I look

16:00

like a man. That actually looks good. I mean,

16:02

listen, I look at the stuff. I cannot,

16:05

I'm hiding behind a microphone. I for the look. You're

16:07

wearing Peter's top. You've got black things

16:09

coming out your ears and you have roots.

16:13

Sorry, this isn't, so firstly, this isn't Peter's

16:15

top. This is my top. Secondly, they're not roots.

16:17

They're called slag strips. That was a creative

16:20

fashion choice on my part. The

16:24

90s are back, baby.

16:26

But I can't, I just can't get any kind of like,

16:28

my hair's just so blank at the moment. I just can't

16:30

get any sort of volume in it or something. I don't know what's going

16:32

on. It's just, it's all just real pathetic

16:34

at the moment. And I haven't booked in for a curly blow dry

16:36

at the weekend. Hopefully that'll do something for it.

16:38

Oh, well, I wouldn't go as far. Look at, look at

16:40

that. Like I do look like a dog.

16:43

You absolutely look like a dog, but a dog who would

16:45

be in the top five. Oh, Daffo.

16:47

I would definitely be in the top five. One of those dogs with really

16:49

long faces, Joe, and they have really long

16:52

blonde hair. That's what I

16:54

look like. A long faced dog. Well,

16:57

he just today with the hairstyle. Do

17:00

you know who I will take? You know

17:02

that thing from the land, is it the land before

17:04

a time? The long, the long dog.

17:06

Yes. That's who I, like, and he's

17:08

glorious flying through the sky. That's

17:11

what I look for. Yeah, well, at the moment you look like you took a kind of pedigree

17:13

charm into your hair dresser, pointed the tune and went, I want

17:15

to look like one of those, please. The

17:19

ones with the long hairs and Afghan hound.

17:22

That's

17:22

what she looks like. Oh my God. Afghan

17:24

hand. I am sorry.

17:27

Afghan hand. Let

17:30

me see. Guys,

17:33

I've actually got something on. I'm going to have to leave

17:36

you to do it. Oh

17:39

my God, I do. That's the exact

17:41

kind of thing I was thinking. You

17:44

just got to do your agility course. I want

17:46

to see if I was running through those tunnel

17:48

tubes. OK,

17:51

I will take this. The Afghan hand is a hand

17:53

that is distinguished by its thick, fine

17:55

silky coat and its tail with a ring

17:58

curl at the end. Thank you. Yeah, OK.

18:00

me that.

18:06

I'd lose interest. I know, I know that people

18:08

say like, Oh God, you

18:11

didn't do that for very long. I'm fucking glad

18:13

if it's quick and efficient.

18:14

I don't want to be sitting there for four hours. 100%. Get

18:17

in the house. Yeah,

18:19

yeah. Yeah, Joe, just where, I don't

18:22

know. Like I even, you know what I mean? It's

18:24

even if it's a bit premature, I've always got

18:26

things to do. I'm, hello,

18:29

meet your sister. I've got a load of shit on. Do

18:33

you know what I mean?

18:36

If you lose the run

18:38

of yourself before you've even made it inside me, I

18:40

have no complaints here.

18:44

I've got a lot of commitments at the mountains.

18:47

Too busy in Brussels, right? Let's

18:49

go. I'm plus as well. Ever not

18:52

to go into detail, but like if you ever go on top of yourself,

18:54

very tiring after less than a minute.

18:57

Very tiring. And

18:59

they're very slow to take the reins. I'm like, come

19:01

on here. This is you. Yeah,

19:03

I give up. I'm like, no, I'm talking. Yeah.

19:06

Well, you move me around there yourself because I've

19:08

really exerted myself here now.

19:10

So,

19:11

But sometimes, sometimes I'm like, God,

19:13

this is actually great for the thighs,

19:16

great for the thighs. And I just push on track,

19:19

completely lost interest in anything else. I'm

19:21

now exercising.

19:28

Oh God, your potty power days.

19:31

Remember was,

19:31

was a potty power. You rode the horse

19:33

for, I'll tell you what happened. I

19:35

rode the horse for Ladbrokes, right? And

19:38

so they had, yeah. So they had to get

19:40

me a horse to ride in the race and the horse

19:42

was called Patty power. So they had to rename

19:44

the horse something else because that

19:46

was the only horse that could get me. I have this

19:48

image of you now kind of like protect thinking you're

19:50

riding a horse on Spencer and trying to like,

19:53

what'd you say when you take a jump? But did you just say take

19:55

a jump? I don't know. I don't jump, but

19:57

I always wear, I always wear my riding

19:59

hat. when Spenny and I are getting

20:02

it on. Oh, yeah. Sometimes

20:04

the back protector depends what we're up to. Yeah,

20:07

the Jodpris are out. The Jodpris

20:10

are out. It was tough to find a pair of

20:12

Quachis Jodpris, but I got them

20:14

there in the end. LAUGHTER

20:26

Someone tagged me in the story, they were like, I think you'd enjoy

20:28

this, and I absolutely did. So it was someone who wrote into

20:31

an agony ant online, and the

20:33

agony ant reshared it, and it's kind of long. But anyway, backstory,

20:36

me and my boyfriend were on holiday in Tenerife a few months

20:38

ago. We were in an all-inclusive resort, and we were

20:40

standing in one of the shops in the lobby where you can buy extra

20:42

snacks and stuff. A very posh British man

20:44

walked in with his 12-ish-year-old son, and

20:47

they were looking around the shop. They went over to where

20:49

the crisps were, and the boys seemed very interested in the Pringles.

20:51

The father then asked him in a very cutesy, possibly

20:53

over the top for his age voice, do you want some Pwingies

20:56

for the room? Yes, he called Pringles

20:58

Pwingies. Me and my boyfriend found this quite

21:00

funny. The first few days were fine, and we were both

21:02

joking about it and kept repeating it to one another, as

21:04

it was a funny way to refer to Pringles, especially

21:06

as the man was talking to his son like he was a baby.

21:09

This is at the start of our two-weeks holiday. My

21:12

boyfriend did not stop saying, do you want some Pwingies

21:14

for the room for the whole two weeks we were on holiday? He

21:16

would literally say it at least once a minute. He would even torment

21:19

me by starting a sentence

21:21

completely unrelated to it, then finishing

21:24

with, do you want some Pwingies for the room? Some

21:27

sort of sick punchline. It's

21:29

been over three months since we've returned,

21:33

and he will not stop

21:33

saying, do you want some Pwingies for

21:35

the room? It's driving

21:38

me insane. I begged

21:40

him to stop. I

21:43

begged him to stop, but he honestly thinks I'm just playing

21:46

along with the joke. I can't

21:48

have a serious conversation with him,

21:50

because his voice matches to slip in.

21:53

Do you want some Pwingies for the room?

21:56

This is a five-year relationship.

21:59

It was absolutely

22:01

fine up until this point. This

22:04

is the man I wanted to spend the rest of

22:06

my life with. But now

22:08

I don't even want to see him. Because

22:10

I'm afraid of what he will say. He

22:13

wants some point keys to the room.

22:15

I'm very refusing to talk

22:17

to him unless he stops. I'm honestly afraid

22:20

that he will say he's going to stop and then just carry

22:22

on. Please have all my blowing

22:24

this out of proportion.

22:25

Please

22:29

say she wrote back. Please say she wrote

22:31

back. Oh

22:37

God, it made me laugh so much.

22:40

Did the argument go right back? I

22:42

only read that and then obviously pissed

22:44

myself. I actually feel what happens

22:47

there is that he actually wants to break up with her. Do

22:49

you think? There's no way you could continue.

22:52

That's a sick joke that's gone too far. Yeah,

22:55

I do want some bringies out. You'd

22:58

read the room after a while. This

23:00

is the man I wanted

23:01

to spend the rest of my life with. I'm worried

23:03

he'll say he'll stop. He's obviously

23:05

got addiction issues and now he's addicted to saying point keys.

23:08

Do you want some point keys for the room? It

23:10

is a much nicer word. Do you want some point keys? Pringles,

23:12

if you're listening you should rethink

23:14

your name. Pringles is much nicer.

23:16

I want a Pringy. I don't want Pringles.

23:19

I don't like baby. Do

23:21

you know when people like... I also

23:23

don't like too heavy an abbreviation. Do you

23:25

know the Australians? No respect. I love an Aussie but

23:27

they abbreviate everything. Everything.

23:29

What's your adi? Your address? Yeah,

23:32

it's like, come on guys. I don't like baby

23:34

chat past a

23:34

certain age. Obviously I have baby chat auto

23:36

but when they start saying hi

23:39

and stuff like that, that's when the baby chat stops

23:41

for me. Also, when I... There

23:43

was a woman on the train the other day obviously where I fucking

23:46

live and she was like, Mummy's

23:49

stressed! Get the pucks! Mummy's... She

23:51

was like this really posh thing where kids were wearing bowler

23:54

hats and everything. And I was like, anyone who refers

23:56

to themselves as Mummy the whole time, the kids were

23:58

like old enough to know who she was.

23:59

She was, do you know what I mean? Mummy's

24:02

dressed, gather your bags for mummy, please children, get

24:04

back, and I said calm down. I'm kind of worried

24:06

that I do that. Come to mama. Yeah,

24:08

but that's different because they need to come to you.

24:10

This is true, and they're already young. Okay, two

24:12

emails to listen to. Hit me. Hi,

24:16

I've been seeing my boyfriend for two years. It's all going

24:18

great, yay, finally. But his ex-girlfriend

24:20

from seven years ago has been watching my Instagram

24:23

stories on the reg. Uh-oh. Yes,

24:25

I know I should

24:26

just, Scarlett, I'm forgetting to call,

24:28

yeah, you dumbass. Let's

24:30

just talk about this, boys. Yeah. If

24:33

you're going to be weird, just like get

24:35

it sorted. Joanne and I will tell you what to do. Yes,

24:38

I know, I should just make my, my, my.

24:41

What? Hi,

24:44

Ed. You want some pwings? I know. Okay.

24:47

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

24:49

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Is it a pwing?

24:52

Is it a pwing?

24:53

Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

24:55

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

24:57

ha ha ha ha ha So

25:00

the Grand Prix, can we, can we discuss?

25:03

Yeah, the Grand Prix was great. The Grand

25:05

Prix. Fogue sends me a photo

25:07

of herself with the rough gone hair wearing

25:11

her half-gone-owned hair, getting

25:14

choppered into the Grand Prix. With

25:16

these huge, big headphones. Are we, are

25:18

we

25:18

trying to make each other seem really unreliable,

25:21

even spending the other day doing our podcast. He was

25:23

like, oh, and then we got a lift from someone else. I

25:25

was like, oh, he's not going to mention the helicopter.

25:27

We got the bust of the

25:29

Grand Prix. We got the 184 from patterning

25:32

to the Grand Prix. She was chopper doing, Joe.

25:34

She was chopper doing like a truffle. She

25:37

sent me these photos of the,

25:39

her wearing the big headphones. And I was like, you look fab. And

25:42

then a photo of

25:42

Otto wearing the big headphones. And

25:44

of course, because I'm Gigi obsessed, I was like,

25:46

send me a photo of Gigi wearing her headphones.

25:49

And Fogue was like, Gigi wasn't invited.

25:51

Too

25:54

white. And I was like,

25:57

she denied it was Theodore. Like

26:00

these children are gonna wake up, Gigi's

26:02

gonna grow up with massive issues, middle

26:04

child syndrome. You're

26:06

not meant to bring any kids to the Grand Prix.

26:09

I'm just breastfeeding and I couldn't get anyone to

26:11

mind Otto so I had to take them. What,

26:13

is that how you get into the Grand Prix? Press feed me, I

26:15

wanna go to the Grand Prix. Press

26:17

feed me. Joanne has to come with

26:20

me, she has to get breastfed at two, four and six.

26:22

Yeah. Jesus, you're a needy

26:24

baby. Imagine throwing a tail over

26:27

my, like a tea tail over my head, I'm just suckling

26:29

away. But

26:32

actually I got so much abuse for,

26:35

because I obviously read comments because

26:38

we got papped unknowingly and

26:41

I read all these comments, it was so abusive about the fact

26:43

that I brought Otto to the Grand Prix and it's like, what

26:45

the hell do you want me to do? He's got ear defenders

26:47

on, he had a great time. Poor Otto.

26:50

I can't wait for Gigi to be in therapy as a woman and she's like.

26:54

Living her most privileged life and she's in there for

26:56

trauma because she wasn't brought to the Grand Prix as a child

26:58

in a helicopter. She

27:01

actually, it was poor Theodore. Someone

27:03

mentioned that we were going to get a helicopter

27:05

and I thought,

27:05

don't mention that to Theodore and

27:07

he was bawling crying when he

27:09

left because he really wanted to get on the helicopter.

27:11

Where do they pick you up from? Like where do you go? It's

27:15

so it was, it's embarrassing, there's a helipad. And

27:18

you know what? Like I haven't been on a helicopter

27:21

since I did the Bear Grylls show and

27:23

they're actually so cool. Like I'd

27:26

love to go on a helicopter ride around London. You

27:28

can just look into everyone's house. You

27:30

can look into everyone's car. They meant pools people

27:32

have. A lot of swimming pools in England. I'm

27:35

sure you could go on like a helicopter trip, couldn't

27:37

you Joe?

27:38

Yeah, we could arrange that. We could do the pod

27:40

from a helicopter one day. Yeah,

27:44

no, yeah, we can. Well,

27:46

considering how much you eat on the pod, I don't think it would be, the

27:49

noise levels would probably be the same. Because

27:52

I'm usually trying to get some, a few things done

27:54

at once.

28:00

Oh my God, we've got some, we've got some good emails.

28:03

Right. I just wanted to put out a public

28:05

service announcement for all the single ladies and Bumble. I

28:07

recently matched with not one, but two chaps around the same

28:09

time, who both had a thing for feet. One

28:12

of them insisted that it'd be good to meet up for him

28:14

to suck my feet. I said to him, I'm not really

28:16

into that. He should probably download field.

28:18

Oh, I have to tell you about that. Let me say this

28:20

chap was insisted. He stated

28:22

he would pay for my pedicure and advances a show of good

28:25

faith. I'm not exactly flush at the moment.

28:27

So I was like, okay, that sounds all right. I insisted

28:29

it wasn't a sexual, I mean, who's going to say no

28:32

to a, to a pedicure. He insisted

28:34

it wasn't a sexual experience and I didn't have

28:36

to get undressed or anything. Now I

28:38

know what you're thinking. This girl is going to get killed.

28:41

Well, I wasn't really going to meet up with this chap. I was just

28:43

intrigued and being egged on by some girlfriends

28:45

who found it very entertaining. Anyway, the

28:47

chap asks, what's my fee? I have no idea. I was

28:49

charged somebody while I sit there for 30 minutes while he sucks

28:52

my feet. In a London hotel

28:54

room, when my girlfriend says 450, the chap

28:56

agrees and seems delighted with my low fee.

28:59

We then laugh, sip our wine and look back down my

29:01

phone to see Bumble has blocked me. I've

29:04

been blocked for buying or selling

29:06

services. Oh my God.

29:08

The PSA I would like to push out to all females as

29:10

Bumble's filters are fab. So don't entertain

29:13

the creepy foot man. Even for jokes as you'll

29:15

get blocked for life.

29:17

Oh my God. Hold on a

29:19

second. I don't know what's more shocking.

29:21

The fact that you can let someone suck your towel and get 450 quid

29:24

in cash tax free VAT. I'm sorry,

29:26

but like, I think that we should look into that because I

29:28

don't care who wants to suck my feet. Anyone

29:30

can for 450 quid. But another

29:33

thing I have just heard of that app field

29:36

that she mentions there. Have you heard of that?

29:40

Go on. Well, it's

29:43

people that are into very, very different

29:45

kinds of things. And somebody

29:48

like, and I was like, like what kind of different things?

29:50

And somebody was like, Oh, well, like, I

29:54

don't know if we can keep this in, but said that they

29:56

had pissed in someone's mouth. And

29:58

that was the kind of thing that they were.

29:59

looking for. Like what? I

30:02

don't want anyone to piss in my mouth. So

30:05

apparently I'd say you've

30:07

had a bit of piss in your mouth over the years. I actually,

30:09

I actually, I actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.

30:11

Even something on the wind beside of your Ryan or

30:13

just driving past your Ryan and I'd say a little bit got in.

30:16

I actually pissed in my own mouth. What do you think about

30:19

it? When I did the Bear Grylls and I dragged my own piss. Hideous.

30:22

Imagine somebody just being like, hang on a

30:24

second. And I know boys can't piss

30:26

when they've got a hard dick. So they're not even hard. They're just

30:29

pissing in your mouth before they turned on.

30:32

So I remember reading something about this before

30:34

when I did that kind of deep dive on fetishes and

30:36

it was saying that the part of your brain where

30:38

that deals with arousal is very

30:42

near the part of your brain that deals with kind

30:44

of your bladder

30:45

issues. And so the two guys,

30:47

I think, or no, sorry, I'm wrong. Wrong.

30:50

Just keep going. Listen, don't let the truth get in the way of a good

30:52

story. Keep going. I like it. The brain

30:54

that deals with sex is very close to

30:56

the part of your brain that deals

30:59

with either feet or urine.

31:01

Anyway, there's a reason why sometimes they cross

31:03

over. I think that's it. More

31:05

science next week. Yeah.

31:07

More science from Joanne next week. I'm pretty,

31:10

I'm actually going to Google it because Are we going to go

31:12

on? Are we going to go back on to religion next year?

31:15

I don't need to find my Jesus book. Remember

31:17

I'm studying Jesus.

31:18

Piss just isn't sexy. I'm sorry.

31:21

There's no way in hell that like, I

31:23

don't even want someone to piss on me in the shower. No,

31:26

I don't want to be pissed on. And

31:28

I don't like the other thing. No, thanks.

31:30

But field yet. It's this app that you can put in any

31:33

sexual preference that you like. So you can literally like

31:35

foot fetish people could do that. But

31:37

imagine paying 450 quid to get your feet sucked.

31:40

The psychology of peeing fetishes. We

31:43

shouldn't be so offensive about this by the way, because

31:45

actually people are interested. And that's fine.

31:47

I

31:47

have a lot of respect for people with kinks. I find myself

31:49

incredibly boring. I'd

31:51

love a cool kink, but

31:54

I can't actually a bit of spooning. Like I'm very, I'm a

31:56

complete basic bitch. Yeah,

31:59

but you know what? spoken about this before. Let's

32:01

be honest, like I'm not gonna lock

32:03

eyes at somebody, well not what somebody would spend

32:06

the whole way through. Like

32:09

it's

32:09

just like, come on. JG No, I know.

32:11

I'm not. There's reels. JL There was this thing going around

32:14

recently, right? And it's about

32:16

what you look like when you're on top of somebody.

32:18

So Joe, like

32:19

you should go on all fours and look

32:21

down into a mirror and look how awful

32:23

you look when you're having sex with somebody. That's what your face

32:25

looks like. It's just like, wait, I'll try and do

32:28

mine. What? JG

32:33

That looks like your JL

32:37

That was my sex noise too. JG That looks like Spencer's

32:39

taking it from behind, from you. That's what that looks like. JL

32:41

Very unsettling. So

32:43

watersports, they call it, are a golden shower

32:45

known as urophilia.

32:48

Probably most prominent impact on the culture was

32:50

that there was an episode of Sex in the City when it came

32:52

up. JL I kind of love that loads of people

32:54

have so many different kinks. This person, the

32:56

same person who was on the field up

32:58

was telling me loads of their kinks. And I thought,

33:01

fair books to you. You're having a great time.

33:03

I think that I wouldn't mind a bit of, what's

33:06

it called? BDSM. Is that what it's called? JG Is

33:09

that the shit in the Chinese food? What are you talking

33:11

about? JL

33:15

M-S-G. JG I

33:17

love rubbing myself in sweet and sour. JL

33:20

I love the beer, the ball, the batter. JL You

33:23

know the chicken balls. I

33:25

love a chicken ball. JL Urine for you, Opheliax.

33:28

It's also sexy because it's used to humiliate somebody

33:30

or capture

33:31

the spirit of a sexual partner. So it fits

33:33

into pretty standard, sadomasochistic ideas

33:35

about power, humiliation and arousal. JG Uh

33:38

oh, I've been, I've been rumbled by Gigi. JL Bring

33:40

her to me. Bring me the baby princess. JG You

33:44

want to sit in my lap? Okay. JL Hello

33:47

Gigi. JG Say hi

33:49

Jo. JH Hi Jo. JG And

33:52

say hi Joanne. JH Hi Jo.

33:55

JG Are you a good girl or a naughty

33:57

girl? JL Naughty girl. It's

34:02

never good girl and she's dead right. She

34:05

goes around. I've started sparing. Who trains

34:07

that child to call herself a naughty girl?

34:09

She's going to get groomed online.

34:12

She's been groomed. She

34:15

goes around and I watch her and she'll just

34:17

randomly walk up to the theatre and belt across

34:19

the head with her spank

34:21

paddle. Did

34:23

you get her that or what? No, you didn't get her one. Of

34:26

course I did. Otto has one coming in for his Christmas.

34:40

I know that you were upset earlier in the week about

34:43

Otto. Oh, so Jo did you see this? Right.

34:45

So she's unbelievable.

34:49

Vogue basically gas lit me

34:51

into thinking that I actually mattered

34:54

in her life and that I was going to be Otto's godmother,

34:56

which I'm now handing back the title.

34:59

Joanne! I'm resigning. So

35:02

turns out she has two. Listen,

35:06

he's really come into his own on this trip.

35:08

I'm going to send you a picture of him. Stop

35:11

trying to sell your child

35:13

to me, Vogue. I thought I

35:14

was his number one godmother. I'm not. I'm part

35:16

of a gaggle of godparents. She has two

35:19

godparents per child. I'm surprised that a guy took a shit

35:21

outside your door isn't the godfather to Gigi. Go

35:26

and look at that picture of what you've just turned down. That's

35:28

it. You're out. You are finished.

35:31

Everyone, I'm looking for

35:32

a new godmother for Otto. Join

35:34

the gaggle. Join the harem of godparents she has

35:37

per child. All you were was a surrogate

35:39

for my child and now you've fucking handed him

35:41

out to everyone in your life. He's got 28 godparents.

35:44

All I will say to you is you are very lucky

35:46

because he's only got two and two. Theodor

35:49

has four and two. What?

35:52

Yes. You have six godparents.

35:55

Do you want healthy competition, right?

35:58

You need to up your game.

35:59

This isn't the Hunger Games, Vogue.

36:02

This is just... It absolutely

36:05

is. Tell me about your godparents. I only

36:07

have one nice godparent. The other one

36:09

was shit. I have two. Well, one

36:11

is sadly passed and my auntie Brees, so I have

36:13

two. All our family already have like

36:17

two godparents, a man and a woman, a man and a woman,

36:19

a man and a woman. It's all very conservative. I know, but it's

36:21

an English thing to have more than one. It's also

36:23

an English thing. You're not really meant to have your siblings.

36:26

I'm just telling you a bit, especially I needed

36:28

to put a bit of pep in your step, right? I was quite

36:31

put out by it. I don't even know if you've held

36:33

Otto yet. I think you might've held him once. I

36:36

haven't been around every time

36:38

I'm telling you he's busy doing something else. Joanne,

36:41

you've got to pick up your

36:42

game. He actually said to Megan the other

36:44

day, he's only three months

36:46

old. I mean, he actually looks

36:48

Megan. Wow, how

36:50

advanced he is. All

36:52

my children are advanced. He looked Megan

36:54

in the eye and he said, Megan, I love you. Where's

36:58

Joanne?

36:58

You're my favorite. He said, where's

37:00

Joanne? I said, Oh God, he's already noticed

37:03

she's not right. It's just as

37:05

an adopted person, I found it very triggering. Do

37:10

you know what I mean? My

37:13

mother found me in a basket and a phone box and

37:17

I just think it's a disgrace. He's

37:20

going to be spoiled. He's going to be spoiled. I

37:23

was in an orphanage until I was 11, mopping floors and cleaning

37:25

windows. Okay. This rail really meant

37:27

something to me and now you've taken it away. Mopping

37:32

floors and cleaning windows. She was literally,

37:34

she's the apple of her mother's eye. That's why

37:36

when I went into my mum's house, I walked in at 11 years of age

37:39

and I started mopping and cleaning the windows and she said, you don't have to do

37:41

that here. This is your home. This is your forever home. Yeah.

37:54

So now you've ruined the biggest rail

37:56

of my life. That's what I was telling everyone. I said, do I mind

37:58

to stand up? Don't mind the Netflix special.

38:01

Don't mind anything. Autos being auto is only Godmother

38:03

was the best and biggest rail of my life.

38:05

And it's gone. People need

38:08

to be informed. People don't forget

38:10

your snake. They forget the right. I'm

38:12

not a snake. I think everything. You have

38:14

a face like butter wooden mouth. They forget that you

38:17

are a snake. It's like on the make your

38:19

snake on the make. I am telling you

38:20

that. It's a lot of communion

38:22

money. All I'm saying to you. Oh,

38:25

exactly. Exactly. I'm taking

38:27

it. I'm taking at least 10% of that.

38:29

Chris, generally that chest. What I am saying

38:31

to you is nothing like a bit of healthy competition.

38:34

So now you're nervous, right? You've seen Megan's

38:36

been

38:36

here. She's been all over also. So when I

38:38

get back to London, you are going to be over like a hots not,

38:40

and you're going to be bringing him a new

38:43

dinosaur hoodie. You don't want him to wear the outdoors. Old

38:45

one that you got him. Also is going to get

38:47

his own dinosaur hoodie. You're creating

38:49

a hostile environment. Okay. Okay.

38:52

All I'm going to say to you is people are going to be glassing each other without christening.

38:54

It's going to be carnage. John, if

38:56

you really pull out of this, you are

38:58

going to miss the best day you're going to make your goddamn life. Right.

39:01

Yeah. It's going to be the best day your goddamn

39:04

life. You'd want to make it worthwhile

39:06

because it's going to be 90 of us going there trying to put water

39:08

in the baby's head.

39:11

We did she's way too late

39:13

because of locked in and she had an absolute meltdown

39:15

at the priest. I think she might've hit him.

39:18

Fair enough. Fair enough. I was

39:20

definitely walking at my christening. Where

39:21

are you going to serve and drinks? Yeah, I was walking around.

39:24

I was. I was genuinely walking around. Well,

39:26

with the corporate time, I think with

39:28

the first job. Like with Theodore, we got him christened

39:30

at like three months. Then with Gigi, we kind of

39:32

were like, ah, and then what also

39:35

God knows when he'll be christened.

39:37

I was Chris. I think because it was a new legitimate

39:39

child, they can't take any chances. So they christen you a couple

39:41

of times just to make sure. Oh, they have to. They

39:43

have to. I'm sure they knew you'd end up in Progistry. So they

39:46

really had to give it a good go.

39:49

The birds and bees chat I got off my mom was

39:52

she gave me a book and left the room. I

39:55

don't think I ever even had

39:57

a birds and bees conversation. I think it was just.

39:59

left up. We were just kind of left. It was like Santa. I

40:02

said to my mother, when were you, I had to

40:04

figure out Santa wasn't real on my own. I was

40:06

way too, I was like 16 or something ridiculously

40:08

embarrassing. I was like, when were you going to tell

40:10

me? And she goes, I never would have told you. And she goes,

40:13

I just sort of waited for you to figure it out by yourself. And I think

40:15

sex was the same. Yeah, I think

40:17

as well, that's back in the olden days now. I was 11,

40:19

I think. I think that's

40:22

actually around the normal age. One

40:24

of my friends, she said she was, she was five years of age.

40:26

She went in looking for fancy paper. And mum

40:28

was like, what do you want fancy paper for? And she said to write to Santa.

40:30

And mum goes, you're a bit old for that now, aren't you? Which was

40:32

five.

40:33

That is not fair. I

40:35

mean, I was very quick from, so

40:37

I had dolls at 11 and I

40:40

was drinking bull in my friend's house at 12.

40:42

So I went from zero to here very

40:45

quickly. But

40:48

that's a difficult one with theater wanting to, like,

40:50

I never thought about that. Like, what do you

40:52

tell? What do you tell a child? I

40:55

know. Well, you

40:55

just, honestly, you just have to be like, Are

40:58

your magic bits? That's my magic

41:00

bits. I just say, Willie, I say vagina.

41:02

You have to do it. He hasn't read. Like when, when

41:05

I was pregnant with Otto, he started asking questions

41:07

and I kind of just tried to figure out the subject because I just

41:09

thought little bit too young now. Yeah.

41:12

Where

41:12

do I come from? You're like, well,

41:14

daddy's obsessed with mummy. Daddy won't leave mummy alone.

41:16

When we never initiates it,

41:18

it's

41:21

a problem. Mummy, mummy always has

41:24

a headache or tired.

41:26

But when mummy has

41:28

a drink, daddy gets his way. Mummy

41:31

presents herself after three gin and tonics. Mummy

41:34

presents herself. When we go to

41:36

the bedroom, that's my life. I

41:39

consent now today for 20 minutes. I consent. That's all

41:41

you're getting. 20 minutes.

41:43

What? I know. Sure. Don't listen.

41:45

I just woke up. Don't mind me. Absolutely. I've

41:48

had, I've had two drinks now because I'm on my holliers

41:50

and Spenny, and I can see his eyes widen a little

41:52

bit when I have a drink. He knows. He

41:54

knows. Oh, he's got, someone's gotten us. Might not be

41:56

him, but someone's going to get us.

41:59

make sure I will. Whoa, someone's

42:02

got it.