0:00

Tired of ads crashing your comedy

0:02

podcast party? Good news! Ad-free

0:05

listening on Amazon Music is included with

0:07

your Prime membership. Just Just head

0:09

to amazon.com/adfreecomedy to catch up

0:11

on the latest episodes without

0:14

the ads. As

0:17

a person with a very deep voice,

0:20

I'm hired all the time for advertising

0:22

campaigns. But a deep voice doesn't sell

0:24

B2B, and advertising on the wrong platform

0:26

doesn't sell B2B either. That's

0:28

why if you're a B2B marketer,

0:31

you should use LinkedIn ads. LinkedIn

0:33

has the targeting capabilities to help

0:35

you reach the world's largest professional

0:37

audience. That's right, over 70 million

0:39

decision makers all in one place.

0:41

All the bigwigs, then mediumwigs. Also

0:43

smallwigs who are on the path

0:45

to becoming bigwigs. Okay, that's

0:48

enough about wigs. LinkedIn ads allows you to

0:50

focus on getting your B2B message to

0:52

the right people. So, does that mean you

0:54

should use ads on LinkedIn instead of hiring

0:57

me, the man with the deepest voice in

0:59

the world? Yes, yes it does.

1:01

Get started today and see why LinkedIn

1:03

is the place to be, to be.

1:05

We'll even give you a $100 credit

1:08

on your next campaign. Go

1:11

to linkedin.com/results to claim your

1:13

credit. That's linkedin.com/results. Terms

1:15

and conditions apply. Hello,

1:27

hello, hello. It's another year and it's not

1:30

the best of. Alice, James,

1:32

we just couldn't stop doing these. People are so into

1:35

them. Yeah, they seem to be going down really well. Demand

1:37

is high. We've had a

1:39

lot of requests for different themes. So we thought

1:41

let's give the perverts what they want. It feels

1:43

like they've been really popular mainly because it's the

1:45

only option we've given people. We've given them the

1:48

option of listening to best ofs. If we'd given them worst

1:50

ofs, I think they would have

1:52

been better. I think they would have been better.

1:54

If we'd given them worst ofs, I think they

1:56

would have flown. We

1:58

kind of are doing a worst of today because we're

2:00

doing accents. Yeah the voices people love them. It's interesting

2:02

because you forget that when we started I didn't do

2:04

accents at all and I actually made a point of

2:06

saying I can't do them. The heyday actually. And they

2:08

kind of crept in ever so

2:10

slightly. Creps like being whacked over the head with

2:13

a baseball bat. At what point they were in

2:15

there. No but like it's funny when you look

2:17

back at season one there were no accents at

2:19

all it's just everyone's just got my voice. Yeah

2:21

you get more and more extra as it goes

2:23

along. Yeah like Jamie's portrayal of himself it's

2:25

like somebody who just really came out of

2:27

their shell when actually some of these voices

2:29

you're raring to go. I'm like you

2:31

know we always make fun like some are

2:34

better than others but you can't question the

2:36

range. Oh boy. No range of

2:38

this man. I get a lot of

2:40

tweets now because I do a show where

2:42

I have to do voices. Yeah. And I

2:44

get a lot of well well

2:46

well certainly the chickens have come

2:49

home to Ruth. I'm

2:51

often tagged in there and I'm like thank you. And

2:54

mine's not supposed to be comical so I'm actually

2:56

trying to be great voices. Yeah you get a

2:58

lot of praise and a lot of kind of

3:00

props for the grief James and I gave you.

3:03

I mean this episode is gonna be like a

3:05

Pixar film. There's gonna be so many

3:07

voices you can go wow God get in

3:09

his own show. Yeah this is essentially a

3:11

CV for Jamie isn't it. Did you know

3:13

you had this inside you so

3:15

to speak? Did you surprise yourself? Well as a

3:17

man of the theatre James obviously you are taught

3:19

voice work from a very young age. No

3:22

not at all. I think that's why it was

3:24

kind of strange because I was quite

3:26

hesitant to read at all and then kind of

3:28

as I grew in confidence and I guess as

3:30

the show got more listeners I felt emboldened

3:33

to really bring the books alive. Because I

3:35

think you know

3:40

you could read these books in a quite

3:42

a boring way or you can really infuse

3:44

them with personality and give everyone their own

3:46

little vibe. Because we've known him for what?

3:49

Coming up for 20 years? Coming up for 20 years.

3:51

And before this never knew all these

3:53

voices were within him. No I mean I obviously

3:55

knew he was a show-off that's a given you're going home

3:58

with that. I never knew that he wanted

4:00

to do this sort of one-woman-show

4:02

thing, one-man-show thing. What's

4:04

also kind of amazing about it is that he's

4:06

claiming that this comes from like a kind of

4:08

classical training background, but you only know for the

4:11

projection lesson and then like the rest, like the

4:13

kind of character development bit. Well I was told

4:15

once, I mean I don't know if I've ever told the story on the

4:17

show, but one of the great lessons

4:19

Val Harris gave me when I was

4:21

a very small actor, young actor, was

4:26

I was doing a scene from the life and death

4:28

of almost everybody, the play, I'm sure you know it

4:30

well. And that one of yours,

4:32

the one you know. On the opening

4:34

line was dust, dust,

4:38

and then it went on from there. And so I

4:40

said dust, dust,

4:42

and she's like I'm gonna have to stop you Jamie.

4:45

In the theatre we never

4:47

annunciate the same word the same

4:49

way. Oh so she

4:52

was like you'd go dust,

4:55

dust. Okay.

4:59

Such stupid advice.

5:02

And you know what it's honestly stayed with me

5:04

all these years and so

5:06

I think it doesn't matter how you say it the

5:08

second time as long as it's different dust, dust. Dust.

5:16

You know it works either way. It actually does work every

5:18

time. It does right. So I

5:20

learned that from Val and from that point on I've

5:22

really kind of honed my voice work. I

5:25

think this shows a real kind of culmination of

5:27

that. Wow. Oh Val. Oh

5:30

Val. How

5:34

do you find the heart of the character? Like how

5:36

would you find James's voice? Yeah could you do me?

5:38

No you two are quite hard, obviously I've edited you

5:40

both for so many years. You're always in my head

5:43

and you've got quite difficult voices

5:45

to recreate actually. James

5:47

obviously you've got your trademark things like

5:51

Netglace and Magoma and the Houses.

5:55

But apart from that you're quite hard. Could you do my

5:57

laugh? Nope.

6:00

Oh come on that was quite good was it not? I

6:02

mean for my character I suppose it's

6:04

very textured. Very

6:07

curved, very UT

6:24

But your from Nottingham but you don't really have

6:27

an Nottingham Twang. Not as

6:29

much, well. Do you have more of an

6:31

Nottingham Twang than me? Jekken.

6:35

James and I by our rights would have like a bit

6:37

more of a draw where. Let's go

6:39

town really, we should probably go town and get a little bit of

6:41

water in our bottle,

6:43

somewhere. Pop Kek climb. Pop Kek

6:45

climb. Pop Kek climb. No, no,

6:47

Pop Kek climb. What you like? Almost, I just

6:49

fancy, oh my god. It's really extraordinary. That's Nottingham,

6:52

it's really hard to do. It's really hard to

6:54

do, in fact God no character. Everyone with a

6:56

Nottingham accent is like, no. So

7:01

yeah, so we're going to be reliving some of my

7:04

worst accents today, because none of them are

7:06

good. I think we are all in

7:08

agreement about that, but at least I try. They all

7:10

belong in a universe together. What

7:12

I like about the podcast as well is that Jamie uses the

7:14

podcast of the forum to try the accent for the first time.

7:17

He won't be practicing it in advance. He'll do it live. Just

7:19

like any good actor. whirl. are

7:23

going to be a few deep cuts. The things that we kind of have

7:25

always felt like funny that you may have not remembered at

7:36

all. But we're going to start with

7:38

something that everyone knows, one of the biggest moments

7:40

of the show I think. A classic.

7:42

I can hear this at night when I close my eyes.

7:45

This rattles around my brain, rent free.

7:47

Okay, so here we go. Herbisch's

8:00

personal assistant. I love that choice. Oh,

8:02

we heard about her, didn't we? Yes.

8:05

We are sorry to keep you waiting, but

8:08

I am afraid Herbisch is

8:10

at one of his chronic asthma

8:13

attacks. Pardon? Asthma

8:15

attacks. Is she having one?

8:18

Hello. Hello. Hello.

8:21

Hi. Hello. I'm just

8:23

talking below then. Give me one second. Here,

8:26

and Petra, one

8:28

of his chronic asthma attacks. She's

8:31

hilarious. And it's

8:35

just been rushed to his private hospital. I

8:37

know. Jamie, move your lips. Honestly,

8:40

are you okay? Why

8:43

won't you sound up the word? One

8:45

of his chronic asthma attacks. It's

8:48

a tig. And it's

8:50

just been rushed

8:52

to his private hospital. Why is

8:55

she four years old? It's

8:58

just easier words. However,

9:00

I'm here to answer a message

9:03

with your boss. I hope you

9:05

understand. I understand. Is

9:07

that right, Hazzah? How do you understand? No,

9:09

I don't understand. Sorry, what did you just

9:11

say? Not the words, sorry. Stop listening

9:13

because of your stupid voice. Could

9:15

you write it all down? Am

9:18

I ruining it? Sorry. You put a lot of

9:20

vowels in, however. It was the longest thing. All

9:23

the other words are so fast. Shall I read it as

9:25

just in my own accent? No,

9:28

that's quite right. No, read it one more time

9:30

and we won't interrupt. We'll try not to read

9:33

it. In Petra. Hello. I'm

9:38

Petra, here bish's personal sister.

9:40

We are starting to

9:42

keep you waiting. But I must say, here

9:44

bish, I can't. One

9:48

of his chronic asthma attacks. And

9:53

it's just been left to his

9:55

private afternoon. His private afternoon.

10:00

I hope you understand.

10:05

Never have, I hope you

10:07

understand it more redundant. Oh

10:20

my God. I

10:26

say, Miss Trispanda, I'd like

10:28

to spread my rather longish

10:30

legs off the dashboard. The

10:32

lady with the longest legs. She

10:35

loves the beach. Oh, screamed the dutch.

10:37

Oh, well, off you go again. I

10:41

say, Miss Miss Melinda, I'd like

10:43

to spread my rather longish legs

10:45

onto the dashboard. Oh

10:47

my God. Jamie

10:50

just acted that out. Screamed

10:52

the dutchess. You nearly put

10:54

your longish legs on the

10:56

dashboard. Well, yes,

10:58

of course. How silly is me? I've

11:00

always thought this Mercedes model had very

11:02

short footwells. Replied

11:08

Melinda, hospitably. Oh, for

11:10

God's sake. A deep,

11:13

resonant groan, emanated

11:16

from the prostrate dutchess. It

11:20

sounds like she's turning into some

11:22

sort of demon. Something's

11:26

coming up. The

11:29

porthole is open.

11:33

It's like I'm

11:36

being ghostbusters too. God, it's

11:38

a portal to hell. Oh

11:40

my God. One of the nicer reviews of

11:43

the book. Oh, I

11:46

like the

11:50

skin crawl. The

11:54

horrid voice volume. Speaking.

12:00

He can't come to the boat right now. Replied

12:02

Giselle as nonchalantly as she could muster.

12:05

I want you to dinner with

12:07

Peter and two other English guests

12:10

tonight. So wise. Giselle

12:14

suddenly cried like a stuck piglet

12:16

in a fence. Agh!

12:19

Agh! A bit like that? I came through

12:21

easily. What

12:24

a farsi piece. What

12:27

is the noise? Bish

12:30

demanded. Not nicely. I'm petrified of

12:32

bish. Sorry

12:34

Sir Hare. Sir Mr. Sorry

12:38

Sir Hare. I

12:41

have a bit of a dicky belly and bowels. She's

12:43

passing that off as bowels. Agh!

12:49

This is disgusting. I

12:52

couldn't agree more. Keep away

12:55

from my brittle body.

12:57

They're off the phone. They're

13:08

230 metres apart. Oh

13:11

my god. One

13:13

bow of diarrhea could push him over the

13:15

edge couldn't it? It's very sickly. He'll

13:18

turn inside out. This

13:20

is disgusting. Keep

13:22

away from my brittle body

13:25

mass for all of tonight.

13:30

I will be dining with

13:32

Hades and not

13:34

insurance. Dining with

13:36

Hades. His heart will come out of his ass.

13:40

Oh my god. I mean it looks like Jamie's going

13:42

to die every time he does the impression. Bish

13:44

is horrible. He kind of possesses you when

13:46

you do. Hank,

13:53

dressed only in his board shorts, threw

13:56

another large rib eye steak onto the

13:58

BBQ. watching the

14:00

three girls out of the corner of his eye, skinny-dipping

14:03

the pool. He looked over at

14:05

Jim and winked. Oh. Steak,

14:09

ass and tits. You can't beat

14:11

it. I made all different

14:13

cuts of meat. Cow

14:17

tits. Steak,

14:21

ass and tits. You can't beat it.

14:23

Best date ever. Steak, ass

14:25

and tits. Steak.

14:28

Steak, ass and tits. What are

14:30

you singing? I literally don't know. Also, we

14:32

can't sing a song every chapter. You're turning

14:35

this podcast into the musical. But we do

14:37

the same one, isn't it? Steak, ass and

14:39

tits. Steak, ass and tits. No, I don't know

14:41

what you're singing. I'm just copying you. I

14:45

was like, yeah, what is it? You're like, I don't. Oh

14:52

my God, Belinda. Fuck me

14:54

sideways and up the wall. Jesus

14:58

Christ. Screeched

15:01

Frostfirst. Belinda did

15:03

as Belinda does. Just

15:09

choked on me and spit. Belinda

15:11

did as Belinda does. And

15:15

Geromimus and Frostfirst was gagging for

15:17

it. All delirium and

15:20

hum. Do you want to know a

15:22

secret? Belinda spoke onto

15:24

a fizzing face. Oh my God.

15:27

Yes. Please do

15:29

tell all. Moaned

15:32

the acting mistress. I

15:34

don't find you attractive. She

15:37

was acting me. You're

15:45

in a glitch. Surprise.

15:50

And that's the end of the performance. Belinda.

15:55

He's like, I don't find you

15:57

attractive. Yeah. a

16:00

truly an actress

16:03

for the ages.

16:05

Give that woman

16:07

an Oscar. Dearly

16:14

beloved, the vicar

16:17

droned on. It's just spoken. I

16:20

suppose that you said. It's

16:22

a fast forward. We are gathered here today

16:24

to witness the marriage of... Oh.

16:26

Why is it Alan Carr? Imagine being a

16:29

dodgy old man. Hello. Hello. It's so many

16:36

lovely people here. Oh.

16:39

Oh, okay. This is interesting. What

16:42

do we think Tony's surname is?

16:44

Oh. Do we not know? Blinked?

16:47

No. Oh God.

16:50

We are gathered here today to

16:52

witness the marriage. We are gathered.

16:54

Why is he so vibrato? We

16:56

are gathered here today.

16:59

It's a

17:01

lot of echoing isn't

17:03

it? It's a very theatrical place.

17:05

Will you take this woman's hand?

17:08

Why is that a

17:10

worst song you've ever

17:13

heard? English?

17:17

This is the Countess Zara of Leningrad,

17:20

our host tonight. Darling enchanted,

17:22

I hope you are giving me a little gregal

17:24

here on the path to fame and riches. Yes.

17:26

I love it. I bet she's got a ring

17:28

on everything, like five rings on everything. Definitely. And

17:30

kind of flowing fabric, like there'll be a

17:32

lot of shift on going on. Yeah.

17:34

Grigor smiled and opened his arms. Please join

17:36

us Countess Zara. I presume you've been too

17:39

busy to eat tonight. Thank you.

17:41

I will. Business is

17:43

booming and I'm short-staffed again.

17:45

My Russian girls just

17:48

can't keep up with my clients

17:50

and the Dutch girls do so

17:52

know their European working rights. It's

17:55

a nightmare. So the

17:57

Countess is a madam of a brothel. I

18:00

knew it was a brussel. If we did I'd

18:02

forgotten it was definitely a brussel. Well it was

18:04

in the red light district so you would assume

18:06

it was in a brussel. Fuck me Grigor. Belinda,

18:09

come down on me and give me my feast.

18:12

Oh! She is filth. She's

18:14

infatiable. Her feast. Oh

18:16

my god he was. She's had

18:19

a screwball. Please to meet thee, Belinda. Sit thee down

18:21

please Ken. Oh God, you're so good. You're so good.

18:24

Haha. I'm so sorry. You're so good.

18:26

What are you doing? You're so nice.

18:28

You got me a feast. Just give her a feast for God's sake.

18:31

She's had a screwball. Please. Oh.

18:35

Please to meet thee, Belinda. Me. Please

18:40

to meet thee, Belinda. Three

18:44

A's on thee, Belinda there. Sit

18:46

thee down please Ken. For

18:49

God's sake. Andy

18:52

is my fave. Ken,

18:56

big titties Matilda at head off. Trade

19:02

union boss Andy Milstone. Hahaha.

19:08

Oh my God, it might as well be 1800. Fucking

19:11

everyday sexism. I thought it'd Andy.

19:13

Big titty Matilda. Big titty tilda

19:15

was it? Ken,

19:18

big titties Matilda at head offist wants

19:20

to talk to you on phone about

19:22

some wrong invoices. Ken

19:25

shook his head. More bloody wrong

19:27

invoices. I swear to God I spent more time

19:29

with that woman than I do my own way.

19:33

But hang on Ken, if there's wrong invoices

19:35

surely you're doing the invoices wrong. Not

19:37

more wrong invoices. Like yeah, do

19:40

an invoice right. Belinda

19:44

blinked. Who

19:48

should be flying the plane? Only

19:52

bloody hazel, a pilot from books

19:55

two and three. Who

19:57

should be flying from books two and three? Oh

20:00

my god. Okay, we didn't remember. You can't

20:02

say from book two and three that the

20:04

chapter's on. Any illusion that we're reading or

20:06

not. Is that even in like brackets or

20:09

something? Or is that just like, no, no.

20:11

Fully in the sentence. Only bloody haze with

20:13

a pilot from book two and three. Exclamation

20:15

point. Well, I never,

20:17

as I live, breathe and

20:20

fly. It's

20:22

Belinda Bloom and so. Was

20:25

that a voice, David, remember? I don't remember what a voice

20:27

was. What was a voice? I don't remember a saying very

20:29

much last time, but maybe you could do like a, well,

20:31

like a pilot's voice. I think she'd have to say everything

20:33

like, she's doing the announcement and then I'd be like, oh,

20:36

well, I never, as I live, breathe and fly. It's Belinda

20:38

Bloom and so. Oh my god,

20:40

I'd love it if she goes like this the whole time. They

20:43

French kissed with extra tongue and, who's

20:46

extra tongue? And Belinda looked at

20:48

the motherboard of switches, knobs, and

20:50

buttoned lights with anxiety. Oh,

20:54

don't worry about this, Ray. Spoke the

20:56

experienced pilot. It's perfectly safe. Most

21:01

of it is like a game of Sonic the Hedgehog

21:03

or GoldenEye for the N64. Did

21:08

not see her as a gamer. Yeah, no. Or

21:10

Rocky. We had a PlayStation and we had,

21:12

no, it wasn't a PlayStation, we had a

21:14

Sega Mega Drive. Sega. With Sonic the Hedgehog

21:16

and he had to jump through loads. Yeah,

21:18

why did he say Sega? Sega. Okay,

21:20

we all said Sega, sorry. Sega! Sega

21:24

Mega Drive. Sega Mega

21:26

Drive. Nuntun-ah. Danny,

21:29

can I be able to say da? The

21:32

Mega Drive. Mum, where's

21:35

the PlayStation? Suddenly,

21:41

a loud voice from the left bank

21:44

interrupted the investigation. Oh my God, it's

21:46

me. Oi! Oi,

21:49

get out of here. That's our drinking

21:51

water, you wretched pair of rats. Told

21:55

you. And you spotted

21:57

me fishing. The thrashing couple looked

21:59

up. and saw an oldish fly

22:01

fisherman in green wellies up to his waist.

22:04

That spooner couldn't care a fuck. I

22:08

couldn't care a fly fuck. Get

22:11

out! Out! Out! Out!

22:13

What is this shit man? The

22:21

beautiful Helga grabbed her arm.

22:24

Belinda! Helga shouted at

22:26

her. I need to talk to you

22:28

urgently. Oh my God. She's been

22:30

on her troubles. My boy!

22:33

That's gone well at work. Help! I

22:35

need to talk to you immediately. I don't want to tell

22:37

you what's in my brain. That's what Dutch people sound

22:39

like. Are you insane? I was partying with

22:41

Dutch people at the weekend actually in Barcelona.

22:44

And yeah, they all spoke a little bit like that.

22:46

I beg to differ. I was drunk, so maybe I've

22:48

misremembered it, but I was very confident at the time.

22:50

Well some of them from Singapore. Well

22:53

let's try Dutch again from the top. Oh yeah, good.

22:55

I need to talk to you urgently. A bit better,

22:58

yeah. Of course Helga.

23:01

Ladies toilets? The cubicle. Cubicle

23:04

confessions. It was a

23:06

toilet. Cubicle confessions. With

23:09

Belinda and Helga.

23:13

Oh my God. It's like Sweet Valley High. Luckily,

23:16

Helga understood the word toilet.

23:19

She knows toilet, swimming pool and cafe.

23:22

Isn't English like basically a first language

23:24

there? Luckily, Helga understood the word

23:26

toilet as it was pretty similar to the

23:28

Dutch word, which is also toilet. Pretty

23:31

similar. The

23:33

same. Pretty similar to

23:35

the identical word. Belinda. Belinda.

23:38

Yeah, what? Listen to me. We're listening,

23:40

yeah. Helga gasped. In fluent

23:42

English with the hint of yank. Hint of yank.

23:45

Oh, someone got it wrong. Helga,

23:48

I'm really sorry, but I have to give

23:50

you this bad news. Now

23:52

she's silly. It

23:57

is really important that you can't tell a soul. I

24:00

can't help you with that inquiry. Oh God. She

24:03

is serious. The weather in Jakarta is 23 degrees.

24:05

No. Belinda,

24:12

totally said sternly, I

24:15

must introduce you to Giles

24:17

Cotton's birth. You

24:21

absolutely must, my darling. Oh

24:26

Giles, I'm so sorry. It was a pleasure to meet

24:28

you, required. Giles what? Cotton's

24:31

birth. Cotton's birth.

24:34

Cotton's birth? Okay. Brilliant. Brilliant.

24:38

Belinda, I must introduce you

24:40

to Giles Cotton's birth, our latest hire

24:42

from the Welsh country. Oh for fuck's

24:44

sake. From the Welsh country? From Wales?

24:46

From synonymous. Yeah, Wales.

24:49

Mr Cotton's birth is an expert

24:51

in the area of product research

24:53

and could use some corporate synergy,

24:55

Belinda. Tony added. I've

24:58

had the nightmare trying to gauge the

25:00

action to a soggy

25:03

veg project, Miss Blumenthal. Apparently

25:06

you're the one to help, I don't know. Microchines,

25:08

friendship, down the line. Giles

25:12

Cotton's birth voiced. He's

25:15

an older man, isn't he? He's an older woman

25:17

by the sound of Jamie's impression.

25:19

Okay. I've

25:23

had the nightmare trying to gauge the

25:25

action to soggy veg products, Miss Blumenthal.

25:28

Apparently you're the one to help, I don't know.

25:31

I can't joke. Is that

25:33

you? He's

25:38

the Italian at the end. I

25:40

don't know. I don't know. Oh

25:48

God. Of course. Let

25:50

me take you to our product research panel booth. Belinda

25:53

helped. What

25:55

are you talking about? I

26:00

don't even want to like question the other guys.

26:02

And also, one minute she's on the rampage,

26:04

the next minute she's just fallen straight back

26:06

into work. Yeah. James, here's

26:09

your filler. This is

26:11

filler.com. Thank

26:13

you, Belinda. The focus groups

26:15

are all booked up and ready to go.

26:18

Is that Anthony Hopkins? We're

26:20

going on a journey. I'm casting

26:22

it as I go. Tom Jones. Thank

26:25

you, Belinda. The focus groups are

26:27

all booked up and ready to go. I'm a

26:29

burden now. One

26:59

place, and everyone's on the same page. Go

27:01

to monday.com or tap the banner to learn

27:03

more. Hello,

27:29

Sydney. Hello,

27:31

Sydney. That's true.

27:35

Very good. Hi, you

27:37

must be Belinda. And you're Bella,

27:39

said the extremely pretty and petite Sydney. So a

27:42

girl. No, actually could still be a boy. What's

27:45

extremely petite? 3.5? Linda

27:48

Hunt says. If

27:50

y'all finished eating, then just follow me

27:52

to your first meeting. Oh my God,

27:54

she sounds like Dora's day. I love

27:56

her. Alright, if y'all finished eating, come

27:58

follow me to your next meeting. who's channeling Dolly Fart

28:00

and she wants to be a songstress. Also, when did

28:02

you learn to do Southern Americans? I've been

28:04

practicing. This is your best accent so far. Thank

28:07

you. Okay, I don't

28:09

know. If you are a fan of Deaton, then

28:11

just follow me, you're a first mate. Hahaha.

28:20

The women look down at

28:22

a smallish white-coated. It's flint!

28:24

Grey bearded gent. Oh, he's

28:26

got a beard. I didn't

28:28

expect a beard. Or maybe actually

28:30

a kind of close beard. Good

28:33

morning, Frouselvester. And

28:36

Froyline, Ridley and Blumenthal.

28:39

I am the eminent Professor

28:41

Slintz. In... Okay,

28:44

all right. With the

28:47

spirit of your grandma,

28:49

apparently, within. Inventor extraordinaire

28:51

of Steel's pots and

28:54

pens. Is he,

28:56

is he Jim? Where is he

28:58

from? He is whoever I fucking

29:00

wanted to be on. Hahaha.

29:03

Do you think he's likely in my bed? Hahaha. Please

29:06

follow me for your

29:08

Access All Areas tour.

29:11

Oh, wow. Now he's very

29:13

English. Of

29:16

a wonderful factory. Oh, he said

29:18

wonderful, so he must be charming.

29:20

He looks fat with a V.

29:22

Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha.

29:25

Hahaha. Hahaha. The

29:27

coughing crone turned to Belinda and said,

29:30

What did the nightingale sing to

29:32

the dustman? Hahaha. Sorry,

29:35

I felt the wrong cue. My

29:37

bad. Hahaha. Belinda

29:40

looked around herself before answering,

29:43

Mr. Bojangles. Oh, stop that.

29:45

It's code for having a code

29:48

chat. Eeeerrrrr. Hahaha.

29:51

The crone smiled a toothy

29:53

smile. You made it then.

29:56

What the hell's going on? Yes, just

29:59

as you said. She said, suddenly

30:02

Belinda was cut off when

30:04

the Crohn's tin of Kosmints started to

30:06

beep. Oh my God, it's a gadget, it's a

30:08

gadget! She flicked

30:10

it open and brought the

30:13

box to her ear. You've

30:15

been compromised! She

30:18

croaked. Impossible! Splits

30:20

of Belinda, I changed at

30:23

Hull! I

30:27

did everything I possibly could! Belinda

30:30

followed you! An evil

30:32

agent is on your toenails! There

30:35

you go, Toad. For Heels!

30:39

We've got to get out of here! Poor

30:41

Toad. He

30:47

stopped in his lethargic tracks as

30:50

he double tracked the past. Sorry?

30:53

He did what with who now? He

30:57

stopped in his lethargic tracks

31:00

as he double tracked the past.

31:03

I would track back and delete that sentence.

31:07

Belinda, am I

31:09

dreaming or just doped? He

31:11

said, dopally. Is everyone on

31:13

drugs in the town? Could

31:16

you be both dearest Clint? Could

31:21

you be both dearest Clint? Belinda flirted

31:23

casually. You usually are. You

31:25

should have not finished this for 20 years. Wow,

31:30

I thought you were a mover and a

31:32

shaker in the big smoke. I

31:34

hate that. Eat that at Manchester! I hate it.

31:37

All right, yeah. Wow, I

31:40

thought you were a mover and a

31:42

shaker in the big smoke. Mick

31:44

Jagger. Belinda, do you want

31:47

to come to my place tonight? I'm telling

31:49

you a bit... David

31:52

Bowie. You're having a

31:54

bit doped, do you see? Oh, right, yes.

31:56

Like lethargic, isn't it? Yeah, totally. Well, lethargic

31:58

and doped, yep. I

32:00

thought you were a mover and a shaker

32:02

in the big smoke. You can't believe I

32:04

tag her. I

32:07

am. Belinda laughed as she

32:10

pointed at her rapidly burning cigarette.

32:12

Why? Clint laughed too. That is

32:14

funny. You can see where those two get

32:16

on. I

32:19

don't get it. What? She

32:21

pointed at her cigarette. Like... Oh,

32:23

wow. I thought you

32:25

were a mover and a shaker in the big

32:27

smoke. I am. I am

32:29

as she pointed at her. Fucking hell. Up

32:31

nudge patter. Up nudge patter. Belinda

32:35

laughed as she pointed at her rapidly burning cigarette.

32:38

Clint laughed too. Then Belinda

32:40

laughed again, thinking, gosh,

32:43

it was always so natural. Oh, God. No,

32:47

I'm not sure what I'm thinking. They're

32:51

as thick as each other so I can see

32:53

why they got on. Gosh,

32:56

it was always so natural. Oh, shit, it

32:58

was always so natural with this dude. I'm

33:02

so happy. I'm

33:04

so happy. Damn

33:13

you, Giselle, shouted George. I

33:15

warned you earlier about killing him with

33:17

that bloody vagina of yours. And

33:21

don't kill him with your badge.

33:24

I won't warn you again. How many times? I

33:27

warned you earlier about killing him with that

33:29

bloody vagina of yours. But you just wouldn't

33:31

listen. Giselle looked daggers

33:34

at George and threw her sudden

33:36

black thong at him. Fuck

33:38

you. Somebody had to push him to the edge.

33:41

You tosser-otter. Tosser-otter. Put

33:43

that on the list. Tosser-otter, that

33:45

is in Tuscany, isn't it? So

33:49

no remorse from Giselle. What the hell

33:51

are we going to do now? The second

33:53

and final tranche of euros is due to

33:55

be paid tomorrow when we hand over the

33:57

blueprints to Bish. Oh, shit. Bella's

34:05

personal demonstration of the new

34:07

Steel's Cry No More knife

34:10

was a tricky test, but

34:12

she was determined to try.

34:14

Right. G'day

34:16

Pan Pacific! She

34:19

bellowed. I don't imagine that was the

34:21

reaction. Tumbleweed. She

34:24

bellowed to no one in particular. Welcome

34:27

to the Catching Edge Onion

34:29

Buster Utensil. Everyone's on

34:31

about. On about. Everyone's on

34:34

about. If it works, and I'd love to hear

34:36

the science behind it, I think it's a great idea.

34:38

Although I personally loved the stylish Oxy Onion

34:40

goggles of last season, I had a 3D

34:44

pair myself. 3D? The

34:46

best. Why do we

34:48

need to be 3D? Life

34:51

is 3D, Bella Madal. I

34:54

could see the whole onion. It was great. Whose idea

34:56

was that? We didn't

34:58

know they were producing goggles, did we? No,

35:00

this is nice. What's this knife? What's a

35:03

stupid day? So, although I personally

35:05

loved the stylish Oxy Onion goggles

35:08

of last season, I had a

35:10

3D pair myself. The

35:12

boffins at Steel's Puts and Pans have

35:14

now created something better. I

35:17

give you a sharp knife that

35:19

blows air outwards and then tries

35:22

this onion. Right.

35:32

The silence

35:37

in the fast dispersing crowd

35:39

worried Belinda. Oh, it's clearing

35:42

out. She's done an absolute rotter.

35:44

Who just shouted out, yeah!

35:50

Now I know why she wasn't very sure about how

35:52

to use it. Forget lighting

35:54

a candle. Bella continued.

35:56

I don't think that's one. Cheering

35:59

a teaspoon. You don't chew it, you just put

36:01

it in your mouth. A tea spoon, a metal tea spoon? Oh,

36:03

singing Green Grow the Ratu's O backwards. This

36:06

is a future. This is a future. The

36:13

horrid and big jail man, capital

36:15

J, capital M. New

36:18

character. I'm the jail man. Watching

36:21

them was a lech with bad breath

36:24

and an annoying habit for talking. So

36:27

that was how Mrs. Melody decided

36:29

to leave, Uncle Fairfolks, for the hotter

36:31

climes of kids. But she

36:33

did find it too hot after a while, you see. And,

36:35

of course, I've

36:38

just noticed. The jail man

36:40

interrupted himself. You are

36:42

a gorgeous couple of sheilas. Oh

36:45

my God. Can

36:48

I just apologise? We're

36:50

gonna be in Australia soon. I don't know if we can walk

36:52

down the street with our heads held high. I'm not gonna

36:54

get in. Just noticed, he's been there for hours. Yeah,

36:56

but he's so busy telling the story. But

36:59

hasn't he seen Belinda's magnificent breasts? They

37:02

catch the eye from far away. You're

37:05

a gorgeous couple of sheilas. My

37:09

name's Bella. Said Bella.

37:11

Oh my God. And I'm Belinda.

37:13

No sheilas here. Oh God. Look

37:16

alive, girls. Said Belinda, looking

37:18

around her empty surroundings. She's

37:20

so cute. Drinking

37:28

on the job, Miss Blumenthal, which her

37:30

James approved, Belinda looked to her

37:32

left. One of a group of sales-

37:34

He shook it to the right. Blove

37:37

it to the front. One

37:40

of a group of salesmen had detached himself from

37:42

the edge of his party and was

37:44

talking to her. She noticed that someone

37:47

was talking to her. She was talking to her age.

37:50

Leave me alone, chump. I've

37:52

got a man to meet, Belinda

37:54

barked. Great balance. The

37:56

very shame. Do you mind if

37:58

I join you? Oh my god! So

38:02

you're giving him a Sean Connery voice? You're

38:04

better than that! He's

38:06

so much better than that! Like, Farder

38:08

likes certain, honestly. How excited have you

38:10

got about that? I

38:14

was toying with it today, I was like, should I do it? I won't do

38:16

it. Oh fuck it, I'll do it. You

38:18

should be ashamed of yourself. Sorry. No, go on. Belinda

38:20

took a minute and looked him

38:22

up and down. Decent,

38:25

well polished shoes. Goodish

38:27

physique. A full head of

38:29

dark hair. And a die-full smile. The

38:33

names Spooner. James Spooner. Oh

38:37

for god's sake, James Spooner.

38:45

Now Belinda, I need

38:47

just five minutes of your ear before

38:49

the show to talk about our business opportunity. Five minute? Oh

38:52

god, she's not going to press me either, is she? Said

38:55

Penelope. So? Stammered

38:58

Belinda. Please tell

39:00

me we're catching a play at

39:02

the Moulin Rouge. For fuck's

39:04

sake. Well

39:07

maybe we're seeing an exhibition of the Louvre.

39:10

Or maybe we're going to the Seine. I've

39:12

always longed to go and

39:15

watch the Nicholas dancing whores.

39:20

You've got to love those dancing whores. Penelope

39:22

Pollet spat some of her very

39:24

French martini in front of that. I'm just kidding, friendship.

39:27

I admit it. No,

39:30

no, no, you simple bitch. Oh wow,

39:34

I feel like they've met their match manners

39:36

wise. Someone's got Belinda's

39:38

number so. No, no, no, you simple

39:40

bitch. It

39:46

is all about la

39:49

Moulin maron. The

39:51

maroon windmill. Windmill. The

39:54

brown windmill. Gorked

39:56

Belinda's perfect translation.

40:04

For her, this was a double morning. Stop saying

40:06

morning. Why are you saying moon-mer-mer? Why are you

40:08

saying moon-mer-mer? Why are you saying like so moon-mer-mer?

40:11

What do you say? We say what people say

40:13

morning. What do you say? It's got you in

40:15

it. It's morning. Okay. For

40:18

her, this is a double morning. Why is it pain in?

40:20

Oh God, it's so annoying. For her, this is a double

40:22

morning. This is so annoying. I'm going to throw you a

40:24

cat. Is this a fat cue? Covid or no? No.

40:27

I'm coming over there. I am going to freak. For her, this was

40:29

a double morning. Her boss and play. Okay,

40:32

I've never ever lost it and turned

40:34

the table over but I will. He's

40:42

provoking us. I know he is. Her

40:45

boss and playmate, Belinda Blumenthor,

40:47

was missing. Presumed dead. Good

40:51

morning Miss. I

40:56

need to microphone you up for the show. The

40:58

small man dressed in black said, and an even

41:00

tinier voice. An even tinier voice

41:02

than more. Than being small himself.

41:04

Oh God. That's

41:06

so conceptually confusing. How

41:09

small is he? Funny,

41:11

Belinda thought. That a man so

41:14

quiet was in charge of all the sound in

41:16

the whole of the Millennium Zone Building. I

41:18

saw Nick, isn't it? It's like

41:20

a little bit of a sound. It's like a little bit of a sound. It's almost

41:22

like there's so much sound in his life that he

41:25

doesn't want to create anymore. I guess

41:27

you'll need to thread the wire under

41:29

my outer clothing. Is that correct? She

41:31

said wickedly. What? Out of clothing. Yes

41:35

Miss. That would be super duper. Super duper.

41:37

Super fucking duper. I

41:41

thought as much, said Belinda, as

41:43

she ripped off her blouse. No,

41:45

no, sorry. Not how

41:47

it works. No, you can untuck your blouse and push

41:49

it up underneath. You don't have to open your blouse.

41:52

The smoredish man dressed in black

41:54

ogled her chest. He's

41:58

my fave. The

42:00

milk tray man is lit for best. Sorry,

42:03

but you need more space to work

42:05

with, Mr. Sound Man. Now that's

42:07

fine. Small madman's in

42:10

black sand. Good

42:19

evening, Tetris. Belinda. Nodding

42:21

his head at them both. Good

42:23

evening, Sir James. Said Belinda, attempting

42:26

to make small talk. Good

42:28

evening, great, Sal, then. She's

42:34

already stumbled. I've

42:36

used up all my topics like good evening. She

42:39

just sounds there, nervously and

42:41

silent. Good evening, Sir James.

42:45

Have you motored down from winter this evening? What's

42:47

that one, motor? I

42:49

feel like you've used that phrase before. I feel like

42:51

it's the dawn of the motor car, wherever they

42:53

are. Poop, poop. Poop, poop.

42:56

No, no. Clarence and I were doing

42:58

a bit of clay pigeon shootings. I'll endorse it. Had

43:02

a devil of a time getting back up here.

43:04

Traffic's terrible. Always terrible. Someone's

43:07

head in government will roll for it. He

43:12

is good at small talk. Bert

43:20

held his hand up and

43:22

interrupted. You see, you

43:24

sure as hell came close to

43:27

bursting our beautiful little racquet,

43:29

Belinda. No, she didn't. Wayne

43:32

smirked. But sadly for

43:34

you, close is no cigar.

43:38

Now, before you die,

43:40

get on your knees and suck my

43:43

nice size clock. That

43:45

was horrible. Did

43:47

someone say cock? So...

43:57

Oh my God. So, whenever anybody's

43:59

here. Yes, cocks! Even if it's

44:01

not a member of the cocks, she

44:03

appears as a review on a horn!

44:11

And here's a little unheard gent. So

44:15

why do you talk like this?

44:17

Because you didn't talk like this when we

44:19

met. Yeah, oh,

44:22

yeah, okay fine. Grass, bath,

44:24

fronds, like... I don't say fronds!

44:27

Okay, we'll take that to the Hague,

44:29

but the issue is, when did it

44:31

flip, why did it flip, and can it flip back? I

44:33

think he's had like, elocution lessons... No,

44:36

no, I haven't had elocu... No, no,

44:38

I haven't had elocution lessons, but I

44:41

did change my accent. Yes.

44:44

Why? Because

44:46

I didn't feel like my accent before

44:48

was particularly... Did you have a proper

44:51

Manchester accent? In first

44:53

year of uni, I don't know if you remember,

44:55

I mean we were hugely friendly in first year...

44:57

Be careful now, because a lot of people listening will have

44:59

a Manchester accent. Yes, it just wasn't

45:01

right for my voice. I don't know, it just didn't

45:03

suit me. It just didn't fit my name. My

45:06

Manchester accent wasn't right for me. Some

45:09

people just like, really suited, like Liam Gallagher,

45:11

great. Me, it just never really sat well.

45:13

Do you want to hear it? I

45:15

actually have it on my TV. You can do it. I

45:17

have a video of me when I was at uni, first

45:19

year. So when we met around that time, I'm going

45:21

to find out... With your voice? Yeah, yeah, with

45:23

how I used to speak back then, okay? As

45:26

in your real voice, the voice you have...

45:28

The real voice. I thought that duped. Who's

45:30

this? I don't know. I

45:32

am a construct, it's true. Okay, are you ready?

45:35

Half a bottle of gin, half

45:37

a bottle of vodka, Jamie's

45:40

fucking real life. Okay,

45:42

first of all, half a bottle of gin, half a

45:45

bottle of vodka. Please don't judge

45:47

the drinking. Also, are you scouts? I

45:49

mean, I don't even... I can't...

45:52

I would never have identified that as you. That's

45:54

authentic Jamie. Well, that was me really

45:56

drunk in first year, so, you know,

45:58

do the math sort. that. I

46:02

dare I say prefer. At

46:04

least you know who you're dealing with. Exactly. This,

46:06

this trumped up little twerp, who's

46:09

this? And I kind of feel like

46:11

it's a bit catch me if you can like if

46:13

this isn't real what else is not real? Right

46:15

exactly. Everything is real. It's just like people

46:17

change their voices. Voices are constantly like homogenising

46:19

aren't they? Especially when you go to a

46:21

like university or something. I mean neither of

46:23

you have got a Nottingham accent do you?

46:25

Yeah but that is so,

46:27

that is drastic. Classic collection. You

46:30

know me, what aboutism? It's

46:35

very aren't we all

46:37

just one global village? But

46:40

I'm also the sort of person that when I'm

46:42

in different countries I do kind of take on

46:44

their accent and people think that I'm taking the

46:46

piss. I just really like God that must go

46:48

down well. He's just

46:51

a sponge, I mean a sponge. Okay

46:53

fine let's, this is never making it okay. See

46:55

you in castle thought. I

46:59

can't help it I'm just, I suppose I'm just

47:01

constantly gathering all these influences and it makes me

47:03

who I am you know I'm some

47:05

part French, I'm some part English and many any

47:08

way. What he

47:10

means is oh

47:19

my god okay God

47:26

you guys are so mean. Way

47:29

back, even back in the day I think,

47:32

I like to think we keep you honest. Okay

47:34

yes that's one way of looking at it Alice what's

47:36

your excuse? No excuse the proof in the pudding.

47:38

I stand by it, I absolutely stand by it. Who

47:40

are you? What have you done with Jamie? The

47:44

thing about baby Jamie there was we're not

47:46

comparing light for like because you've only had

47:48

half a bottle of vodka today in none of the gin.

47:50

Right that's true, that is it. It's not a scientific experiment.

47:53

It is when you mix white liquor that's when it

47:55

really comes into its own. But that

47:57

was fun I enjoyed that one. Yeah it's funny how he enjoyed the one

47:59

which is just a showcase. of all of these kills. Yeah,

48:01

it was essentially the Jamie episode. He's

48:03

like, yeah, really strange that. I lapped it up. I was

48:05

actually going to say, it was quite embarrassing reliving how many

48:07

terrible acts I've done and it is a bit humiliating. Oh,

48:09

God, quite. Enjoy that show real app. Anything

48:12

for you guys, you know. So yeah, that was for

48:14

you guys. Be careful what you ask for because we

48:16

will give it to you. You know,

48:18

if you do want anything that Alice or I have done... Yeah, we've

48:20

done lots of good work. Oh, come on.

48:22

You've been all over these best stores. You're the funny ones.

48:24

I just read the books. Fwigs,

48:26

bottles. Of water. Of

48:30

water. Oh,

48:35

my God. Look at this trademark Alice. Fuck

48:37

off. If you do have

48:39

any more themes you think we should be covering,

48:41

we just like getting together to do these. So we're all ears.

48:44

Yeah, any projects, any books you just want us to

48:46

read aloud. We're here. We might as well get it done. Yeah,

48:49

yeah. And as always, thanks for

48:51

listening and yeah, we'll see you soon.

49:04

Tired of ads crashing your comedy

49:06

podcast party? Good news! Ad-free

49:08

listening on Amazon Music is included with

49:11

your Prime membership. Just head

49:13

to amazon.com/adfreecomedy to catch up

49:15

on the latest episodes without

49:18

the ads. Cold

49:24

outreach is wasting the time of both

49:26

the buyer and seller at every stage,

49:29

especially when sellers are using shallow and

49:31

outdated data. Your organization

49:33

can overcome these challenges with

49:35

technology. We call this Deep

49:37

Sales, and we've built the

49:39

first Deep Sales platform with

49:41

the next generation of LinkedIn

49:43

Sales Navigator. Right now, you

49:45

can try LinkedIn Sales Navigator

49:48

and get a 60-day free

49:50

trial at linkedin.com/trial. That's linkedin.com/trial

49:52

for a 60-day free trial. superstar

49:57

today.