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0:34

Hello, and welcome

0:38

to the best of

0:41

my dad Rota Porno. This

0:49

is gonna be short, isn't it? That's

0:52

it, thank you so much. I mean, you can just listen

0:54

to the whole back catalogue, we'd love that. Am I right in thinking this

0:56

is due to overwhelming popular demand, James?

0:59

Well, you know, I love the social medias.

1:01

You do, all of them. I don't do. I

1:04

still like to check what's going on on there and

1:06

people keep- It's not illegal, you can

1:08

do that. I still check Twitter even though,

1:10

you know, it's going to the docks. X

1:13

now, no? X. Thank you, Cardin. X

1:15

can't give it to you.

1:16

And yeah, people are constantly telling us their

1:18

favorite moments, their favorite memories of the show, whether

1:21

it's Jamie's accents, you

1:23

saying fuck off. Fuck off. Me

1:26

and my talking cat, which people always

1:28

even want me back. Hello. So yeah, we thought wouldn't it be

1:30

fun to have all those best moments

1:32

in one place?

1:33

I couldn't agree more. Also, you just reminded

1:35

me that Logan Roy has stolen

1:38

my catchphrase. Now I would say

1:40

Logan Roy is a more famous fuck off than me.

1:42

Yeah, that's true. Are you saying that

1:44

the fuck offs in Succession is an Easter egg

1:47

of my dad's rate of order? Look,

1:49

I didn't say it, you said it, but it

1:51

seems to make sense. The way that Chris

1:53

and Scott Thomas in Fleabag is clearly

1:56

an homage to Belinda. What's that? Well, she

1:58

plays Belinda who's like a water.

1:59

businesswoman though? Are they meet at the bar

2:02

after the event? Yes, I never thought about

2:04

it. So you're saying all of culture are nods

2:07

to, your head's got too big for your body,

2:10

my darling. Literally

2:13

impossible. I'm surprised you get a hat on that head these

2:15

days. But

2:17

yeah, so we thought that we'd do some kind of better episodes

2:20

and kind of starting in the most logical

2:22

place which is the most embarrassing childhood

2:25

stories of the three of us. We

2:28

really overshare on this show.

2:29

You've often talked about this podcast being instead

2:32

of therapy Jamie, and I feel like when

2:35

you do therapy you go back

2:37

to those early years. Yeah, exactly. And that is what we've done

2:39

here.

2:39

And we're going to be releasing an episode every month

2:42

with a different theme. That's the idea,

2:44

isn't it? Yeah, really loose,

2:47

awkwardly crowbarred in themes, absolutely.

2:49

And stuff that's not just Belinda stuff, like

2:52

the stuff that's like our stories,

2:54

weird things that have happened. Yeah, because we did

2:56

a best of book for every series.

2:59

So if you want your like favourite

3:01

lines, they're still there as well. Go and listen to those.

3:03

Listen to whole episodes maybe. And

3:05

for those that know it, Inside Out,

3:07

Back to Front, 69, The Shape of Two

3:09

Naked Women, there's also... Oh,

3:11

Alice, One Naked Lady. Oh,

3:13

it's even more confusing than I can.

3:16

It's just One Naked Lady, how quickly

3:18

she forgets. Then there are some

3:21

new bits too. Yeah, if you keep listening to the end

3:23

of the episode, we might have slotted in something we have

3:26

never played before. I wonder why

3:28

I didn't make the cut.

3:32

No,

3:32

do you know what? Kind of constraints, actually. Honestly,

3:34

it is. Because when I've been editing this show over the years, there've

3:37

been so much stuff that I kind of did want to

3:39

include that was funny, but the shows kind

3:41

of got longer and longer as the series

3:43

have gone on. And we've always been quite

3:45

kind of judicious. Yeah, and just like wanted

3:47

to put the best stuff in it. So

3:50

it isn't that it's just crap that wasn't good enough. It's

3:52

just that there really was no place for it. So I

3:54

think it's gonna be quite fun for people to listen to stuff that didn't

3:57

make it.

3:57

So you mean all those emails I sent after every episode

3:59

about like... Where's my funny joke about this? Where's my funny joke

4:01

about that? You actually were listening and you were compiling

4:03

a little sort of like, I guess, scrap

4:06

spin.

4:06

Yes. So stay listening to the end for scraps.

4:10

Oh. What do they call it in a pub?

4:12

All that beer that- Swill. The

4:14

swill. The swishy swill

4:17

pit. And I'm just

4:19

so glad that, you know, people have been waiting for this

4:21

thing that we've been teasing that we're

4:23

not gone forever. This

4:25

isn't that. We should make that clear

4:28

as well. Oh, so this isn't that? No, this is just

4:30

something to whet your whistle in the

4:32

meantime, Alice. Keep your tip

4:34

wet. Thank you.

4:38

Keep it wet with that swill. Lovely. So

4:40

yeah, so this episode's gonna be all about kind of the childhood

4:43

trauma, really, that we shared with you all. Cause

4:45

we talk a lot about being kids.

4:47

For a porn show, yeah. Well, that did

4:49

mostly come from you, Jamie, because you probably had

4:52

the oddest childhood of us all. The

4:54

most non-traditional. Yeah, unconventional.

4:57

I mean, we didn't get to

4:58

the half of it, Well, this is a

5:00

good opportunity to just scratch the surface a bit more, I suppose,

5:03

because we'll hear in this episode about your

5:05

friends, about your pastimes, but I'm trying

5:07

to picture you as a young

5:10

boy in school.

5:11

Yeah, set the scene. Oh, it will

5:14

amaze you that I was quite badly bullied. And

5:18

not just cause I was, you know, in the air cadets and-

5:20

In the what, sorry? Shut up. I was in the

5:22

air cadets. What? I don't know what that is.

5:24

Is that the red arrows? Is it? It's

5:26

like, yeah, like youth, I guess

5:28

like youth R-A-F camp,

5:31

I guess. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

5:33

no, no, no, no.

5:34

Oh my God, how's it happening so quickly? Oh my God,

5:36

the swills at the front. There's

5:40

a thick head of swills. It was quite

5:42

big, I think, in like the 90s. Back

5:44

to differ, we grew up in the 90s, it was not. No,

5:46

no, like the TA, there was like the territorial

5:49

army. It wasn't in the territorial army.

5:52

But it was like you used- But most of my life in Burma. You

5:55

weren't there, man, you weren't there.

5:58

We don't talk about it, it's too traumatic. You know, I

6:00

remember there being like a youth branch of the army,

6:02

but the air cadets. Yeah, so that's, was

6:05

that for the, for the air cadets? Sorry,

6:06

you know how to pilot a plane. Right, so now

6:08

I left before any of that kind of substantive

6:11

stuff was learnt, but yeah, I was a member of the air

6:13

cadets. What do you do in the air cadets unless you're

6:15

flying? It was very kind of like training

6:17

camp kind of vibes, which obviously

6:19

I wasn't very well equipped for. When

6:22

did you have time between your life drawing

6:25

and your theatre pass? Like where did you have

6:27

time for air cadets?

6:28

To serve the country? Bear in

6:30

mind, I am one of... She was salute Alice.

6:32

We were in stardom... I didn't even know you were a captain in

6:35

the Air Force. One of four kids. I think my

6:37

parents just wandered us out of the house for as much

6:39

time as possible. So we kind of had to do things

6:41

every night of the week. Oh

6:42

my God, please tell me what you wore. What

6:44

did you wear? There was a unicorn. What

6:46

did you... There was a unicorn. What? Have

6:49

you got pictures of this? I don't know. I've

6:52

never even gotten a plane. That's the worst thing about

6:54

it. How did you do? I don't really know. I

6:57

remember going to this kind of hut outside

7:00

of the town that we lived in, Manchester,

7:03

and we would just like go there after school and like do drills

7:05

and stuff. And I guess we learned... Drills

7:08

of what? We like learn about things like

7:10

survival techniques and...

7:12

To be fair, he has survived.

7:14

He was going to say he's alive to this day, so training's

7:17

worked. But like, you know, you'd like...

7:20

Teach us some tips. And

7:22

like navigation and stuff and like you

7:24

do... Was it like Top Gun? Hang on.

7:27

I'm just going to Google the air cadets because it was obviously

7:29

years ago. The

7:30

fact that this has spilled out of his mouth

7:32

so quickly. Yeah, the Royal Air Force air

7:34

cadets. Oh, he's added that. So like

7:36

this isn't me. Oh no! That's

7:40

even worse than I imagined. It's

7:42

a beret. It's a beret. Bring

7:44

that closer and hang on. I'm not sure... Obviously

7:47

that's the modern uniform, so like back in the 90s. Did you

7:49

have all those badges? I don't think I

7:51

had badges. That's when he could fit a hat on his

7:53

head before it got too big.

7:56

Anyway, this is a real tangent. I didn't

7:58

even mean this to be a massive thing, but yes.

7:59

How long were you in the Echidet? Oh, a couple

8:02

of years. I think it was kind of, you know, I

8:04

don't know if you guys did

8:05

cubs and beavers and stuff. It was kind of like the next

8:07

thing along from that because I was never a scout.

8:10

The Echidet sounds way more prestigious

8:12

than cubs. It was a proper thing, yeah.

8:15

I don't think I was that well suited to it, but I'm

8:17

glad that I did it. I was really reluctant

8:18

to come today, but this has already paid dividends.

8:20

Like, if we just get this, I'm thrilled.

8:23

There's always something, isn't there? He's

8:25

an endless well of just like random

8:27

facts. There's always more biography. There's always more

8:30

biography. I mean, I'll be honest with you, there's more than

8:32

even I know. Do you know what I mean? Like,

8:34

I forget things like this. Like, I

8:36

used to sing in the choir, the local church,

8:39

having to have to do like funerals

8:41

and things. James, I can't. I

8:43

can't. I just don't want to. I just

8:46

don't want to. I just don't want to. I

8:48

just don't want to. I just don't want to.

8:50

And the worst thing about that was, I didn't

8:52

read sheet music, so my first day,

8:55

he like, the choir master like

8:57

gave me this song and he was like, so

8:59

just sing the first note.

9:02

Didn't know what the fucking song was. So I

9:05

went,

9:06

Lord. It

9:08

was meant to be like, Lord. So

9:11

I didn't even know anything. I feel weak.

9:14

Anyway, yeah, look, read

9:16

my autobiography. Jamie singing Lord

9:18

at a funeral. How

9:21

many funerals must I have ruined? I do worry

9:23

about that. God singing, running away from the book to stalker,

9:26

somebody's coughing gets carried down the aisle.

9:28

Man, it's like how Whitney Houston started. Anyway,

9:33

so yes, this is an episode about

9:35

our child. I think we just ended there. Tip

9:39

of the iceberg.

9:41

I don't know this man. I couldn't stand

9:43

in a court floor and say I know this man. Well,

9:48

Al, if you like that, there's plenty more where that came from. Should

9:50

we get going with the best of? Yes. Yeah.

9:54

And stay tuned at the end for this unheard. Swell.

9:56

Piece of swell.

10:04

When I was a kid, we had a family friend

10:07

who'd like humiliate you by going, Little

10:09

finger laugh at you, little finger

10:13

laugh at you. And he'd like

10:15

wiggle his hair, he'd wiggle his little finger

10:17

your way, and he'd be like, little finger

10:20

laugh at you. And we're like, Carl,

10:23

get that little finger away from me. It's

10:26

a strange boy. Have you ever been laughed at by a little

10:28

finger? It's one of the most humiliating

10:30

experiences.

10:31

Was he a grown man? He was

10:33

a grown... He's my dad's friend. What? I thought

10:35

he was another child. No, he's my dad's friend. And

10:38

then my sister would join in, so it's like a chorus

10:40

of, Little finger laugh

10:42

at you. But why were they laughing at you? Because they're

10:44

probably just titting around about something.

10:47

Little finger laugh at you. Let's

10:49

see if he still reacts to it, Jamie.

10:51

Little finger laugh at you.

10:54

No, don't. So

10:56

do you have to waggle it like that? Like

10:59

the little finger is belly laughing. Oh,

11:01

my God. That's awful. It's kind

11:03

of really creepy and sinister, isn't it? Little

11:05

finger laugh at you. You do a strange voice

11:07

with it. That's the voice you do. Little finger

11:10

laugh at you. Are you still friends

11:12

with this gentleman? Is he in your life? No,

11:15

not anymore. And I'll never forget it, actually.

11:17

It really, really bothered me. It's got that Pavlovian

11:19

effect to it, like when you guys did it then.

11:22

What happened? Deep, deep shame. What's

11:24

weird about it is it's not the little

11:26

finger laughs at you. The conjugation of the phrase

11:28

is confusing. Little finger laugh at

11:30

you. Yeah! Little

11:33

finger laugh at you, Carl. You're

11:35

terrible at grammar. Would this be worse? Index

11:38

finger laugh at you. No, it's the little, isn't it?

11:40

It's like, what have you got to be so happy

11:42

about? Even the little finger's laughing at you. Even

11:45

the run to the fingers. Yes, you're right. It's that, isn't

11:47

it? It's that belittling. With this lovely manicure, does it

11:49

make any better? HE LAUGHS

11:55

When I was a kid, we had some friends

11:58

who had all daughters. And we were around playing

12:01

one day, maybe like dressing up as like a clown or something,

12:04

with makeup and things. Yeah. When

12:06

it was time to go home, I went to the bathroom and found

12:08

a flannel and started to wipe my face

12:10

with it. And then one of the girls

12:13

rushed in and said, no, stop

12:15

Jamie, that's the bottom flannel.

12:21

What a bottom flannel. Don't think

12:23

about it too long. It was the flannel that they used

12:25

to wash their bottoms. All of them.

12:27

Collectively as a family. The bottom flannel.

12:29

I don't think they had individual bottom flannel.

12:32

Not one of the bottom flannels. Not that's Gillies

12:34

bottom flannel. That is the bottom

12:37

flannel. Yeah. So I was obviously mortified,

12:40

dropped it and I was like, the

12:43

bottom flannel. Honestly, and now the word flannel, I can't

12:45

hear it without having flashbacks,

12:47

much like Blended with a Trellis. You had bottom

12:50

all over your face. James. I

12:53

know the feeling. Tastes

12:55

like

12:57

so far so good. When's

13:00

the punchline? I

13:03

love that story. The bottom flannel.

13:05

Isn't that right? Can we try and get hashtag

13:08

bottom flannel trending this week? Oh my God,

13:10

that would make my life. Did

13:13

you have a bottom flannel growing up? Yeah. If

13:15

anybody had a bottom flannel growing up, please do get in touch.

13:17

It's the main reason I use a hot cloth or

13:20

muslin on my face. I could never go there

13:22

again with a flannel.

13:27

Okay, right. What is that? This is

13:30

niche. So when we were... James,

13:32

you sound like you knew. I do know this one. You've

13:35

told me about this before. So when we were kids,

13:38

the parentals were like, right, we're going to go for like a

13:40

week away. So we thought Santa Parks, Oasis.

13:43

Any of the go-tos. Ho Seasons. That

13:45

would be very appropriate for the line. It really would. No,

13:48

we rocked up at Sandy Balls.

13:51

Which is kind of like a Santa Park. No,

13:53

you didn't. No, we really did. Sandy

13:56

Balls is real. Yeah. Is

13:58

it? Yeah, it's real.

13:59

it's still around but it was around. No no it is,

14:02

I saw adverts around the tube like last year. No! There

14:05

you go. Did Rocky find the card in a kind

14:07

of disused telephone box? How did he

14:09

find out about it? So weird right but it was

14:11

actually a really nice place but just what a name.

14:14

Is it deliberately a bit silly? Um it

14:16

wasn't knowing at the time, well I mean I was so little I don't

14:19

really know but maybe it was kind of a bit of a

14:21

aye-aye. Is

14:21

it a chain of sandy balls? I think there's only one sandy ball.

14:24

There's only one sandy ball? There's one sandy ball.

14:26

So she's like oh oh really? Oh no she's

14:28

had all the entertainment value of a week of sandy balls. Is

14:30

that a lot of entertainment value? Oh it's very very well

14:33

done all the entertainment. What sort

14:35

of things are we talking? Cabaret nights? Cabaret

14:37

nights? You know paints? Paints?

14:41

Paints? Wow!

14:42

Paints?

14:45

Oh my goodness! Cabaret nights we had paints.

14:47

Tonight ladies and gentlemen paints. I

14:50

see all

14:53

the paints you can imagine. We've got red, we've

14:56

got blue and ladies and gentlemen we've

14:58

got green. We've got canvas.

15:03

No you bring the canvas, probably the paint. No

15:06

we um we painted plates.

15:08

That's worse.

15:10

I like the sound of paints night.

15:14

I imagine they just showed you. I like

15:16

to think they had a series of tins of

15:18

wall paint and then they'd open them and go

15:20

oh it's a big one. Guess the colour, guess the colour,

15:23

guess the colour. It's called

15:25

Midnight Express. What colour ladies and gents?

15:28

That's gotta be a blue. It's gotta be blue. Do you know what?

15:30

It was a blue. I did so well at paint.

15:33

Oh it's like a bingo card. You've got all the samples

15:36

and you have to get them all.

15:37

And all the Flintstones are like oh what a great paints

15:39

night. Oh my god just went back every year for paints. Guys

15:44

what is this? Ooh acrylic.

15:47

It's acrylic. It's acrylic you guessed it.

15:49

It was eggshell sorry everyone.

15:52

My name's Matt. Just a little joke.

15:56

My name's Matt and this has been paints. I

16:00

think we really struck on something. It's

16:02

the glossiest night at Sunday Ball. LAUGHTER

16:09

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

16:11

Watch out. MUSIC PLAYS

16:17

My brother used to laugh in his sleep. Oh,

16:19

that's creepy. I know. Also, one

16:22

time, I had a cabin bed. You know, like a bunk bed, but

16:24

it's raised, nothing underneath. I had a small

16:26

desk for my eight-year-old needs in the

16:28

kind of admin department. But

16:30

I had one of those, and one night, I

16:33

was laughing hysterically. My dad heard

16:35

it, woke him up. That's how loud I was laughing, like

16:37

down the hall, came in. I was running

16:39

up and down the bed, knowing

16:41

when to turn around. Weird.

16:44

Like, laughing hysterically. I

16:46

always thought you were a demon. Running up and down,

16:48

Dr. Robin style, like, BLEH, BLEH, BLEH! They

16:51

were worried I was going to, like, fall off the end of the bed and

16:53

break my neck. So my dad lifted me down, just

16:55

pissed all over him. He

16:57

didn't see that twist, did you?

16:59

That is some exorcist shit. Did your head

17:01

rotate? Yeah, why?

17:08

Well, I think what you both forget

17:10

about me is that I'm actually an award-nominated

17:13

actor. Oh. So,

17:15

you know, this is all a bit of a breeze to me. What was this?

17:18

What was the role again? I was, Alice,

17:20

I don't know if you know this about me, I was nominated for

17:22

Best Actor in a Leading Role at

17:24

the Cheshire One Act Festival for playing Toad in Toad

17:27

of Toad Hall in 1996. This makes so much

17:28

sense. Brilliant. Alice,

17:32

poop poop. Hang on. I see it, I see it. Nicely

17:35

arrogant toad. And that is what we call

17:37

you behind your back, and now I know why. 1996, you

17:39

would have been like 10? Mm. And

17:42

you were already nominated, did you win? I didn't win. Oh,

17:45

I was really upset. Oh, I was robbed. I

17:47

know, I was robbed. Who won? I think an old

17:49

man.

17:49

Wait, was this all ages? Yeah. Jamie,

17:52

he needed an award before he died. He was

17:54

a veteran. And also somebody

17:56

was like, who let the 10-year-old enter? No,

17:59

it was the Cheshire One Act. at the Cheshire One Act Festival. Everyone

18:01

could answer. Everyone's welcome, famously, at the

18:03

Cheshire One Act Festival. Absolutely. So

18:05

you're used to the stage. I mean, this is nothing

18:07

new to you. Well, I haven't tread the boards in many

18:09

years, but... Shut

18:11

up! Well, actually, now

18:13

you mention it, I should also draw on some stage experience.

18:16

I don't like to brag, but I was cast,

18:19

because of my portly frame in year five,

18:21

as the butcher in Oliver. Oh,

18:24

my God.

18:24

What did you have to say, anything? I've

18:27

seen more meat on a lamb chop, Mr Bumble.

18:30

Oh, that's very good. Thank you. Did you have a song?

18:32

No, no, just that was it. And then I scuttled

18:34

off. Oh, no, actually, now you mention it. I

18:36

did join in in the chorus of Consider Yourself, but

18:39

I didn't realise the second time you sang it, you only sang

18:41

it once. So I went, Come

18:43

on! And nobody else sang along.

18:46

It was awful.

18:46

I was the butler

18:48

in Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat. The butler?

18:51

There is no butler. There is a butler

18:54

in Go Go Joseph. So you like play servants?

18:56

Honest, honest folk. And you were the... The

18:58

working class. The master of the

19:00

manner.

19:06

When I was a kid, we used to... My mum just used to

19:08

take us to all the party places for holidays.

19:11

I'd be like 12 when we'd be in Iron Appa. Magaluf.

19:15

Magaluf. Cavos. We went to Cavos. Did

19:17

you? It's a shithole. Is it alright?

19:20

And especially when you're 12, you're like, What do

19:22

I do here? Everyone is naked

19:24

and kissing each

19:25

other. Mummy, why did those two men hug

19:27

for so long? Why are those people

19:29

hugging on the beach and shaking? Shaking?

19:34

Is that where you learnt some of your tricks of the trade? No,

19:36

famously not. As a fat kid and also I

19:38

was a kid. Mainly

19:41

the first one.

19:47

Well, I've never trained in the dramatic arts.

19:49

James, you have, I imagine. When I was a kid, I

19:51

did do free Saturday morning

19:53

drama near my house. Actually, I did something

19:55

similar, like just in the Methodist Church.

19:58

I mean, it wasn't Methodist acting, it was just... to

20:00

be in the Methodist Church. It wasn't very good, I just giggled

20:02

a lot. I obviously grew up in the theatre.

20:04

Yep we know, we know, we know, we know. Most

20:06

of my youth backstage at the theatre, the club theatre

20:09

in Oxfordham.

20:10

Not most of his youth on stage, most of his youth backstage.

20:12

Doesn't tell you everything you need to know, swilling

20:15

and vodka tonic backstage.

20:17

Lingering around. Cigar

20:19

in hand year four. Why are you backstage

20:22

at the theatre? I used to hang out at the theatre because

20:24

all the mates were there.

20:24

You didn't just hang out at the

20:27

theatre. We were my sister, we did and our

20:29

friends. What do you mean all your mates were there? At the weekend.

20:31

What do you mean? Well all of your 40

20:34

year old actor mates. Hi mum, can

20:36

my friend come over for dinner? Yes sure darling, who is

20:38

it? It's 50 year old Michael

20:41

Smith.

20:42

Oh my god, that was a very

20:44

camp old man called Mike. Oh god.

20:46

He used to walk with a cane. I don't know whether it

20:48

was for a prop or he actually had a limp but

20:50

he really made that cane work for him. What

20:53

and

20:53

you'd just hang out the tour view? No, no, no, he

20:55

was in the club theatre but we would

20:57

go. There was like a Saturday

20:59

school, so confused.

21:02

Why were all your childhood friends 50 year

21:04

old men? They weren't. A lot of

21:06

my friends were just kids that were my age.

21:09

Yeah. But then there was an upper tier

21:11

of um. But why were you all hanging out backstage

21:14

at the theatre? That's what I don't understand.

21:15

You can't just wander around. No you can,

21:17

that was what was great about it and we would just write plays

21:19

and we'd write plays. What are

21:22

you doing? Wow! We'd write plays. Oh you

21:24

know that I was Toad of Toad Hall. We've

21:26

talked about this. You were in a play where you were Toad

21:28

of Toad Hall. We've heard that till the cows come

21:30

home. But I'm with James, very

21:32

unusual behaviour to just be wandering

21:35

around aimlessly backstage.

21:36

Wandering around aimlessly. I was hanging

21:39

out, you know. Right at seven years old writing plays

21:42

backstage with 50 year old Michael

21:44

Smith on his cane. Me and Mike were

21:46

wild. What were you living in? We

21:49

weren't friends Mike and I. We weren't not friends but

21:51

you know it would have been weird to hang

21:52

out. Did you invite Widow to anchor your birthday party

21:54

when you were eight? It

21:57

was actually really fun. Defensive, quite defensive

21:59

about Mike. That big Mike, about Uncle Mike. How

22:02

is Mike getting so much back in airtime? Who's

22:06

Mike? I haven't heard a

22:08

million yet. We

22:12

have Vicky Lane. She taught us. Val

22:16

Harris. These are made up names.

22:18

But they do sound like old

22:20

world John Peeps. Yeah,

22:22

Val Harris. They were great. They were really

22:24

fun. And Dad used to

22:26

pick us up. And then we'd

22:29

put on plays and Mum and Dad would come and see us in them. Why

22:32

is he acting so casual? It's all in a

22:35

bow. Why is he delivering it so straight? Alice,

22:37

some people sing in the choir, others bake bread.

22:40

I went out to the club theatre

22:42

as a child. This is

22:43

mind boggling that we've never heard this before.

22:46

That's bizarre. What a bizarre childhood. You

22:49

know how ridiculously eccentric my parents are.

22:52

Is it really a surprise? Everything's

22:54

starting to piece together. It's all starting

22:56

to make a lot more sense. You need to go

22:59

and be creative and express yourself.

23:01

I know, but I thought you had a grasp on

23:03

how batshit that was. But you don't because

23:05

you're delivering it in such a weird

23:07

way.

23:08

Why

23:12

won't you come back to us? I'm indoctrinated

23:14

at the club theatre, Alice. You know that bit

23:16

in Home Alone 2 where the homeless woman lives in

23:18

the roof of the theatre? That's what I'm imagining

23:21

for Jamie. He's

23:23

set up sharp at the back of a business. Anyway,

23:27

this is a whole, honestly, other side of Jamie I've never

23:29

heard about. He's way more thespy

23:32

than he ever let on. It's weird. Yeah,

23:34

it was an interesting time.

23:37

James, say something for the whole thing. I

23:39

can't wait to read his memoirs, honestly.

23:42

We know a fraction of

23:44

his life. You know when they say we know 1% of

23:47

the things that live under the sea? I feel

23:49

like we know the tip of the

23:51

iceberg about

23:51

this man. Yeah, what makes him tick? Why

23:54

is he so good at accents? Exactly!

23:57

I'm not, I'm terrible as everyone tells me on Twitter every day.

23:59

Well,

23:59

we know who to blame. I blame Val Harris. There you

24:01

go. R.I.P. Oh is she, has she

24:03

left us? Not with assuming so. I'm assuming. She's

24:06

pretty old when they were friends. It's been to so many funerals. Oh my

24:08

god. It's the curse

24:10

of being a 7

24:12

year old

24:17

with 8 year old

24:19

pals.

24:23

Anyway.

24:28

Who's your first girlfriend? Sixty. Veronica

24:30

Lane. She was a beauty. She left me her

24:32

entire fortune. Oh my god. Okay. Oh

24:35

my god. Why has he had us a whole other life?

24:37

Oh my god. You

24:39

might have met him. Patrick. He was the

24:41

chap in the corner in a wheelchair. I was like, oh my god. I'm so

24:43

sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

24:46

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

24:49

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

24:52

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm

24:54

so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

24:57

He was the chap in the corner in a wheelchair. He's the fella doing the Charleston. He

24:59

was in an iron man. He had some wonderful stories about the war. I hope

25:01

you managed to catch up with him. It's our age. Oh

25:03

my god. Too fucking funny. Val

25:05

fucking Harris. Jamie Morton, you have lived a life. And so have

25:07

you for the last 30 years. I have. I

25:09

have. I have. I have. I

25:12

have. I have. I

25:14

have. I have. I have.

25:17

I have. I have. I

25:19

have. I have. I have.

25:22

I have. I have. I

25:24

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25:26

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25:28

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26:37

Have you ever had a pen pal? Yeah, I did actually. Did you?

26:40

On a few occasions. So weird. Oh

26:43

God. Wrote to... Imaginary friend.

26:46

Well, I was really sad to... No.

26:50

I was really sad... She's going red.

26:52

This is going to be a corker. Finally,

26:54

Alice's childhood is... Yeah, finally.

26:57

Jeez. I was particularly sad... Okay,

27:01

you were sad. We get it. To leave

27:02

one teacher's class

27:04

at primary school. And so

27:06

I wrote to her for a bit. Back

27:09

and forth? Or you'd just send them letters and they wouldn't reply? No, she

27:11

would reply. She replied. Oh my God, I honestly

27:13

don't know what sad I was. That she wrote

27:15

them or that she replied.

27:16

Quite long letters as well. Say

27:19

what? Oh my God. Were you just in the next class? I

27:21

think... So you'd see each other at lunch and you'd be like,

27:24

wait for the letter. I caught your reflection

27:26

through the window today. I miss you

27:28

ever so, darling.

27:30

It were love letters. Great

27:33

assembly the other day. I loved it. Oh,

27:37

see... Where did you get that skirt? I'd love

27:39

one myself. Love how

27:41

high-waisted it is. Yeah,

27:43

she was a much, obviously much, much older

27:45

woman. How old?

27:48

She was very old. Oh, so she wasn't like one of those

27:50

young teachers that you fell in kind of kinship with? No, it was

27:52

a very strange time in my life.

27:55

But yeah, we went back and forth a bit and then

27:57

I think it naturally

27:59

petered out. Yeah, it was a physical. When she just

28:01

stopped responding. What would you write to her?

28:03

What would you be saying? Just what was going on with us, you

28:05

know, just going on in our lives. And it ended

28:07

what when you graduated university or? Actually,

28:10

I'm due to write back. Um,

28:12

and then now I say it out loud. If my

28:15

kid was writing letters to their teacher.

28:17

I actually think like,

28:19

cause now yeah, it would be considered weird, but

28:21

I think it's quite sweet. It is quite sweet, I suppose. But

28:23

like, I also, um. Oh God, how

28:25

many she got? I had quite a few actually. It's the Alice Penpal

28:28

episode, everybody. I

28:30

won't go into them all because I don't want to betray

28:32

any confidences, but um, men, they were

28:34

all, they were all. Elderly. Much

28:36

older, much older. And you had

28:38

the cheek to mock my club theater

28:40

friends. Okay, but. You literally were

28:42

writing to old people. And

28:45

I, I at least knew these

28:48

people. I could just imagine her like

28:50

letter bobbing old people's homes and things.

28:52

Just hoping someone would love it. You don't get to like send those parcels

28:54

of tins on harvest festival. Alice just

28:57

slipped in loads of notes for all the residents. I

28:59

had a pen pal as well. Some of my age. Okay. My

29:02

year five teacher was a

29:03

bit weird. Like we'd go around to his house to

29:05

use the computer and stuff like that. It was all a bit.

29:07

What? Yeah, he was lovely. He was nothing

29:10

dodgy, but it was all a bit like stuff you wouldn't do now. But

29:12

he was a maverick. He's like,

29:15

I was a ball boy at a test match between England

29:18

and India because of him. He was a big cricket fan. So

29:20

I was a ball boy. Oh my God. Wow. And

29:23

what else did he do? He used to have music lessons with this. I know all

29:25

the back catalog of Sting in the police because of him.

29:27

He'd like play us a Sting song. Sorry.

29:30

He plays like message. I'm learning so much about you both. It's hard to

29:33

compute. He plays

29:33

like message in a bottle and have us like analyze

29:35

it. He's like, what do you think this is about? And I'm like, message in a bottle,

29:38

I guess. And he's doing the title. Do we need to listen to

29:40

the song? James has always been very literal. Yeah.

29:42

Anyway, so one thing, one of the things he did was

29:44

he partnered with a school in West Yorkshire,

29:47

Hebden Bridge, actually. Oh yeah. I

29:49

know it. And we'd all have a pen pal in

29:51

that class. Very sweet. I forget

29:53

the name of mine, but we then went to- Such

29:56

a bond. We then went to Hebden Bridge

29:58

for a week.

29:59

For a week. live with our pen pals.

30:01

Oh my God, at what, in year five? Yeah,

30:03

but the funniest thing is, so it was almost

30:05

like a cultural exchange with Yorkshire. I mean, we're in these

30:08

Midlands, like- I was gonna say, it's not very far. What are we teaching

30:10

them? So we had to prepare performances

30:13

to like show each other when we got there. Your culture.

30:15

Yeah, but we had to

30:17

learn West Side Story.

30:19

Oh wow, not really your culture, to be fair,

30:22

if anything, cultural appropriation. A completely cultural

30:24

appropriation. So yeah, I was

30:26

the lead dancer. Obviously.

30:29

I had to learn the dance off the videotape for

30:32

America. Do you know that one? It's quite

30:34

upbeat in Jazzyk. And another

30:36

track called G. Officer Krupke. Yeah.

30:39

This is so special. And we would learn the dances

30:42

off the video, and then we performed

30:44

them in front of the class in West Yorkshire.

30:47

So were you Tony? I was the lead in both.

30:49

I was the lead dancer. Because America is, well,

30:51

I think that they're the two different sides, both

30:53

those songs. I was the Puerto Rican

30:55

side.

30:56

Well, you were for America, but you were

30:58

also very much the American side for

31:01

G. Officer Krupke. It's very balletic

31:03

and very, you know, the people in the film

31:05

are amazing dancers. Jerome Robbins,

31:08

he was no slouch. So the Nottingham people

31:10

were doing West Side Story. Yes.

31:13

And what were the Yorkshire people doing? Oh,

31:15

I forget, I think they probably just read a poem.

31:17

Boring. We did like the long

31:19

dance routines.

31:25

If you ever got through security though, you're like, oh my God, I've got

31:27

this like pin. Why

31:30

have you got a pin? I don't know. But like,

31:33

if you've got through with something where you're like, probably shouldn't

31:35

be able to have this on a plane. I once went through

31:37

security with a cake fork in

31:39

my bag. Okay. Why did you have

31:41

a cake fork? I don't know. I was really lit.

31:43

Oh, let me guess from your time being a professional

31:45

patisserie chef at the age of five. You

31:51

and Val. I think I was just eating

31:53

all the cake, to be honest with you. But

31:55

no, yeah, they're really mean to you.

31:57

Why did you have a cake fork? in

32:00

my bag I think what is it what

32:02

is a cake for you okay but very very

32:04

long prongs that quite a lethal

32:06

piece of cake

32:08

did you insist upon a cake for anytime you

32:11

okay well I'd love to eat this red

32:13

velvet cake but I can't see a cake

32:17

mommy mommy I know

32:20

we're going on the big trip but don't forget to pack

32:22

my cake fork

32:25

cake for give my bag what a lot

32:28

of horrible people oh my god cake

32:30

for honest to God

32:31

every time you learn something like that about

32:33

him does it just make you question why

32:35

we've been friends so long I just imagine it when

32:37

he was a kid just this little Lord Fauntler

32:41

precious little dear feel like he didn't

32:43

walk he trotted around

32:47

nose in the air holding

32:49

his cake for writing plays

32:52

calling his mum or

32:54

mummy it's

32:57

incredible bullied actually but you amaze me after

33:03

a day

33:11

so my mum like called me in the summer

33:13

and she was like get all she basically wants me out

33:15

of her house completely she wants any memories out of

33:18

the house changed

33:19

you used to be the absolute golden child oh

33:22

that's long gone so she was like yeah there's

33:24

loads of crap in the loft of yours come and clear

33:26

it out I want I want it out but I found

33:29

something that is so lol I

33:31

thought I had to share it with you oh right

33:34

bit of context do you remember on like

33:36

a really random footnotes ages

33:38

ago I talked that I did drug

33:40

abuse resistant education at school

33:42

death oh yes yes didn't you

33:44

write a song or something I wrote a song a

33:47

rap I found the lyrics I found the lyrics

33:49

let me

33:53

get them out

33:53

oh wow it's typed it's simply called

33:55

dare song I'm just gonna really eat bit by bit maybe we can

33:57

do the same format as I don't know my dad or know why I read read

34:00

a bit, you give me your thoughts. Are you gonna do it to the

34:02

rhythm? I think you should do it as a performance

34:04

piece, really. I don't know what the rhythm was, but I'll

34:06

give it a try. Just go for

34:07

it. Oh, sorry, just for context, what was the

34:10

brief for the song? There wasn't a brief,

34:12

no one asked me to do this. But

34:16

this is about drugs. This is

34:18

about drugs. School. Have

34:21

everybody asked me to do

34:23

this? Story of James' life. Okay.

34:25

For 17 weeks, we've been learning about drugs.

34:28

17 weeks! That classic

34:30

period of time. For 17

34:32

weeks, we've been learning about drugs and what they can

34:35

do to you. Assertiveness alternatives

34:37

and drug abuse too are all in the lessons

34:40

by the dare crew. What an unusual

34:42

rhythm.

34:42

It's not iambic

34:45

pentameter, is it? Drug, abuse,

34:47

resistance, education, cannabis, speed

34:49

and the smoking population.

34:51

Yes! I

34:54

thought smoking population, they had drug users there.

34:56

Yeah, smoking's not drug users. No, they

34:58

did always say that was a gateway, didn't they? Oh, it's a gateway

35:01

drug, of course. Yeah, tobacco's a gateway drug. So,

35:03

cannabis, speed and the smoking population do

35:05

not know what's right, but do know what's wrong.

35:08

And that is the reason we're rapping this song. You

35:10

don't rap a song. James, there's no weir. It's

35:12

you on your own. Who's the weir? Like

35:15

I can rope any other fucking reason. So, did the Curtains'

35:16

Parton and the Gospel Choir come out? Yeah, exactly.

35:19

I'll see you. We've come

35:21

to tell you one and all, one little

35:23

important thing. So that's the verse, and

35:25

this is the chorus. Okay. That drugs are

35:28

wrong and drugs are right.

35:31

It's a very confusing message. So,

35:35

wait 17 weeks and you still don't know. Dare

35:37

cannot endorse this message, I'm afraid. Some

35:40

people take them to sleep at night. So, like, I

35:42

think I meant like a night nurse or something like

35:44

that.

35:44

Why are you putting that caveat in? Why do you need

35:46

to clarify that? I don't know. Some people

35:48

take them to cure their sickness and some

35:51

people take them for the heck of it. This

35:53

is the chorus. The little suckers. Sorry, we're

35:55

just losing the rhythm of it. So, just read this

35:58

chorus bit again, sorry.

35:59

Because it's an anthem. Think big, you're in a stadium. We should

36:01

all join in. That drugs are wrong and

36:03

drugs are right. Some people take them to

36:05

sleep at night. Some people take them to

36:07

cure their sickness. And some people take them

36:09

for the heck of it. We're

36:11

rapping this song. It won't take long. And

36:13

it's already taken ages. It's taking fast, good luck.

36:18

It's taken 17 weeks, it feels like. But we have

36:20

a question. Are drugs right or wrong? I

36:22

feel like I answered that at the start of the chorus. Well,

36:24

no, they were wrong and right. I

36:26

think this is my favorite song in the world. And

36:29

then it just says, I just want you to know one little important

36:31

thing. And then we go back to the chorus. That drugs are wrong and drugs

36:33

are right. Some people take them to sleep at night. I want you to know one little

36:35

thing. Drugs are wrong, drugs are right. You aren't

36:37

telling us anything.

36:38

Why are you still on the fence? And

36:41

then it's chorus twice. Wow, it's powerful.

36:44

It's like Stan, isn't it, by Eminem. It's one of those

36:46

songs that's going to... James, that was absolutely

36:48

incredible. Thank you so much. Isn't it absolute

36:50

nonsense? So can I

36:52

just say, I was 10 when I wrote that. Sure. OK,

36:55

so... That is a work of a 10-year-old. I know what you're thinking.

36:57

That's a professional. He's 10, so he's got two years of Santa

37:00

left when he wrote that. Just

37:02

to really put it in context for you. Oh, my God. All I would

37:04

say is that you have a lot of cheek mocking my dad. I

37:07

mean, come on. He was 10, Jamie, but

37:09

your dad's probably

37:11

nearly 70. He's 60, 10, yeah.

37:18

I did a... What

37:21

was it called? An NVQ? Is

37:23

that? You've done it... Oh, here we go. What? So

37:25

Jamie, why do you wait until the start of the podcast

37:27

to reveal all this weird... What have you done in NVQ

37:29

in? What? Life floor. No, no, no. This is when

37:31

I was a kid. When you were a kid,

37:33

you didn't NVQ. Just

37:37

for the international listeners, it's basically a degree.

37:39

Is it? No, I used to back a

37:40

lorry up when I was four. Doing life

37:43

drawing. You did an NVQ

37:45

in life drawing when you were a kid. What? It

37:48

was in... I think it was in year 10 or 11. And

37:50

we used to go to the next town along

37:52

for my school. It

37:55

was kind of like a night class. I can't look at

37:57

it. And it was night class. Why were you at school at night?

37:59

I'm just having a breakdown.

38:02

It was like an infocu-life-

38:27

I was a new worker. I

38:33

was a new worker. What

38:38

is your point? What is your point?

38:40

What is your point?

38:45

What is your point? You'd always go

38:48

for the rear. That

38:51

is the beauty of an NVQ, isn't it? What a fucking roundabout

38:53

way to tell us he has an NVQ in life, Jory.

38:55

This is where he tells us that you left school at 9 or

38:58

something. Yeah, honestly. I

39:00

haven't even started reading the bloody book. I'm so sorry. I've

39:03

derailed it twice with hot crumbly and an NVQ.

39:04

I never thought, I never thought, a

39:07

hidden qualification that he didn't know. I'm

39:10

like drawing. I mean, he's just

39:12

full of surprises. I think it was by a salt

39:15

museum, if I remember. Oh, shut up. Shut

39:18

your goddamn mouth. I've had

39:20

quite enough of you. He's trolling us. If

39:22

you're not reading the book, I don't want to see that mouth flapping,

39:24

all right? I'm just going to be real. Salt

39:27

museum.

39:27

That's it. When did I sign up to be part of a podcast

39:29

that's basically Jamie's autobiography? The

39:32

new slice of his life every week.

39:34

Why did he opt? 15, 15 years old.

39:36

You're interesting girls. You want to go out. You

39:38

want to get drunk illegally. Jamie

39:41

opts in

39:42

for a night class. Couldn't you

39:44

say it was one night a week. It was a school night.

39:47

I mean, I don't disapprove of anybody bettering

39:49

themselves learning a new skill apart from Jamie

39:51

and I, and that is my only caveat.

39:53

I thought that you would be an ally in this, Alice. You also enjoyed

39:55

what my choice is. It's the lies. It's the lies I can't

39:58

take. It's not even lies, is it?

40:00

How is it lying? Years of omission. Deceptions

40:02

and withholding. Exactly, it's just a web

40:04

of the hiding. How sin of an omission you feel. It's

40:07

just never came up. Who are you? You

40:09

know why he's so good at all the voices, don't you? He's

40:12

a spy. I think he is. I don't

40:14

think he's our friend at all.

40:21

So if you've made it this far, congratulations.

40:24

Snap. And as a little reward, we've

40:26

got a little unheard gem from the archives.

40:29

And uncut jam. And uncut jam. Yeah,

40:31

enjoy. Have I

40:34

ever told you my mugging story? No, I don't think

40:36

so. Is this going to be scary? Was it recent?

40:38

Terrified, no. I was like 13. Oh, God. Yeah.

40:42

Could you play some violin music? No. I had

40:45

a paper out. I posted the

40:47

free paper in the Nottingham, shout out

40:49

to the Nottingham Topper. Don't know if

40:51

it still exists. The Nottingham Topper. How appropriate for you.

40:54

Oh, rude.

40:58

Yeah, basically, weekly free newspaper.

41:00

I had a paper out. I had to deliver to 150 houses

41:03

in the local area. Yeah,

41:07

it took me about two hours. You also had to put the, you got

41:09

more money if you put the leaflets in the papers. Did you ever

41:11

dump them? I did actually.

41:12

I think you can say it now. Statue

41:13

of limitations. Statue of limits didn't

41:16

even move. Have you said that? Is this recording?

41:18

Yes, I did. I'm so glad I'm wearing a wire. We've

41:21

got him. So yeah, I was doing

41:23

it one day and I just hear

41:25

behind me. Oi!

41:26

Oh, God. Obviously, I ignored it because I know he's never,

41:29

you're not going to look behind me like, do you want this teddy? It's never

41:31

good, is it? No, it's never good. Do you

41:33

want this teddy? Well, if you look behind you, they're never going to like be offering

41:35

you something nice. What? Because you want a teddy.

41:37

What?

41:38

It's never going to be your biggest dreams

41:40

in the world like a new teddy. What

41:45

I mean is, if someone's shouting oi at

41:47

you, it's not going to be a teddy. Oh,

41:50

okay. Alright. He was 13 and that's

41:52

what he was

41:52

dreaming of. He's

41:55

like, maybe it's not beautiful

41:57

bear. I think about every night before I

41:59

close my eyes.

41:59

I couldn't be. Winnie the Pooh, is

42:02

that you? Do you want a cookie?

42:04

So I think we've established it wasn't a teddy.

42:07

Surely it was just someone who was like, will you stop fly

42:09

tipping my house? No, but

42:11

regardless, what I mean is like, if someone shouts

42:14

oi at you, you don't look back. You don't. You

42:16

get that Nottingham topper through the letterbox and you move on. Oh,

42:18

I'd have dumped those toppers. What, I just ran?

42:21

Yes.

42:22

Yeah, but then you'd have never known if it was a teddy. Alice,

42:25

I don't have that kind of look. You just spent your life thinking,

42:28

what if? Boy, you can dream. So

42:31

they'll always get closer. Oh God. Turn

42:33

around, this guy's like, give me 50p

42:36

for cigarettes or that Walkman,

42:38

because I had a Walkman on. Oh,

42:41

50p or my Walkman, like that's not a quibble

42:43

of value.

42:44

They don't usually negotiate like that, do they? I

42:46

presume, I mean, I haven't been mugged, but. Obviously,

42:48

Alice, I'm on my paper and I'm not carrying change. No.

42:51

All I've got is this Walkman. He only

42:54

travels with plastic. What's it like? You had to

42:56

use to pay 50p for one cigarette, remember that? I've

42:58

sold money though, so 50p. It's an old money,

43:00

I'm not that old. Jesus Christ. 50p

43:02

now, it's 10,000 pounds. It was like, give me

43:05

Thruppins. But you used to charge 50p

43:07

for a cigarette. What do you mean? So if you wanted to bum

43:09

a cigarette,

43:10

back it like school. Bum a cigarette, shut up. The

43:13

going rate was 50p. That's mad.

43:15

That feels so arbitrary though, like that's

43:17

not like the street rate, someone could just charge

43:19

you whatever they want for one cigarette. And there was

43:22

an etiquette thing, I think, it was like, if you have a packet

43:24

of cigarettes and someone wants one, they'll be like, I'll give you

43:26

50p for it. But

43:26

he was mugging James to be fair. So

43:29

there was no etiquette involved, I think. No, there was no

43:31

etiquette. And I was like. But you have to respect

43:33

that he was only stealing from you what the going

43:35

rate was apparently. Exactly. Okay, for one cigarette.

43:37

He wasn't fleecing you as well as mugging you. It's the

43:39

point. So in many ways, we're on his side. Just

43:43

bought him one cigarette, man. So he, as

43:46

he was confronting me, he was on the pavement and I was

43:48

on someone's drive having just inserted the topper

43:50

through their slot. So to speak. Stop saying

43:52

you inserted the topper. And I was like, well, I don't, I'm not gonna

43:54

give him a Walkman, it was a good Walkman. Yeah. Or

43:57

CD. Or the tape. Which I-

43:59

I always found it easier to cycle with when I did

44:02

my paper round. Yeah. See these

44:04

just jump. See these were jumping all the time on

44:06

the wall. So I'm like, okay, well I'm not going to go out in the pavement

44:08

because then I'll be like confronting him. So I cross

44:10

the front garden into the next front garden. I

44:13

start to cry. Oh,

44:14

James Cooper. Oh. Sweet

44:16

little James Cooper. All you need is a little cuddle

44:18

of your teddy, wasn't it? I'm like,

44:21

leave me alone. Leave me alone. And I think

44:23

I get so wound up and cryy that

44:25

he flees.

44:26

Oh, he's over... Because of toxic masculinity.

44:29

He's overwhelmed by the emotion. Yeah, he's like, this

44:31

guy's like too much, even too much for me

44:34

and just like runs off and leaves me and that's

44:36

kind of the end of the story. And was it a negotiation tactic?

44:38

No. Well, it was all I had, Al. I

44:40

mean, like, I always think like if

44:42

you're ever confronted with a situation, the crazier

44:45

you act, the more likely you're kind of to get out

44:47

of it. I had a very similar thing happen to me

44:49

once. Oh my God. Admittedly, much,

44:52

much older. I was quite

44:55

drunk in Brixton actually. I

44:57

was leaving a club and I'd like

44:59

had a bit of a rough night. I think I'd had a row

45:01

with a mate or whatever. And I was like storming through,

45:04

you know, the bit outside the Ritzy. I do.

45:06

Yeah. And this drug dealer was like,

45:08

mate, you want some gear weapon? I was like... Just

45:11

some drugs. And I just... 50p for a cigarette.

45:13

They're all the same. And I just turned around to him and

45:15

I was like, no, fucking don't, you fucking

45:18

prick. Whoa. Okay, he's

45:20

just a vendor. Right. And

45:22

then immediately realised who the hell I'd said that to and he

45:24

was so tall this guy,

45:27

he was a kingpin. And

45:30

I... Did Jamie think he's like a guy at Ritzy

45:32

Moo? No, it's so unlikely. I know. But

45:35

I literally, he was like, what the fuck did you say to me?

45:38

And honestly, I crumbled. You

45:40

cried. And I just started to cry. I was so

45:43

drunk and highly emotional. I was like, I'm really

45:45

sorry. I just had a round of my mate. And if he just

45:47

takes me, gives me the biggest

45:49

hug. Gives me the biggest teddy. James,

45:53

he was the teddy. He was the teddy

45:55

I was looking for. He did not

45:57

hug you. Gave me the biggest hug. I was like, shit.

45:59

sobbing into his t-shirt. His t-shirt was soaking

46:02

wet and he was like, look, do you want some weed? And I was

46:04

like, yeah. And then my friend

46:06

was like... No, you didn't take it, did you Jamie? You said, no, thank

46:08

you. Oh yeah, no. And I said, no, that's

46:10

fine. I've had a lovely evening and we

46:12

went on my way. So I can understand

46:14

that actually it does help in those moments.

46:16

It like humanises

46:18

people. Or just scares them off. Well, just, I think

46:21

you showing vulnerability is a good thing. So if you're ever

46:23

confronted again, we,

46:25

maybe take an onion out with you and just

46:27

like rub it under your eyes and you're going to be safe forever.

46:29

And you know who that man was? The

46:31

young boy that mugged Jamie. Oh my God.

46:34

Oh my God. It keeps

46:36

happening to me. He learnt his lesson

46:38

and he comforted me. Did he

46:41

try and run after you? How did it end? No, no, no. I

46:43

think I was just like embarrassing him. So he just kind

46:45

of walked off. Wow. Kept the Walkman. Oh, he

46:48

did take the Walkman. No, I kept my Walkman. It's

46:50

a success story. So

46:51

I thought that was going to just be a funny story, but actually

46:53

a genuinely useful one. So pop a little onion in

46:55

your back pocket. I'm excited,

46:57

Mo. You'll be safe. I think it's just a sign that don't

47:00

be afraid to show your vulnerability. I

47:02

think that is the lesson of that story. Although to be fair, vulnerability

47:04

is what got you in that situation in the first place. Yeah.

47:12

I mean, I kind of don't know why we didn't include

47:14

it now. It must have been a length thing. I don't know. Was

47:16

that just sat on a timeline somewhere? Yeah.

47:18

So in each episode, I would edit

47:21

stuff and then if I wasn't

47:23

sure about something, I'd put it at the end of the timeline. And

47:25

if there was space at the end. Okay. It's not your TED Talk. Each

47:28

thing you want, Steven Spielberg. Thelma

47:31

Schoonmaker, sort of. Yes,

47:34

that was fun. That was good. We should do more of these. So fun.

47:36

We'll be back in four whole weeks for

47:39

another one of these. And it will be a different theme. It will

47:41

be a different theme. I'm

47:42

thinking James' Best Bits.

47:43

Well, I mean, that's basically what the show is as

47:46

it stands. Thank you. James' tropical

47:48

bird laugh on a loop for half an hour. Rude.

47:51

Jamie's boring stories about how he edits the podcast. Oh,

47:54

okay. I think we need to go. If

47:57

you have some favorite bits of the podcast that you

47:59

think we should include,

47:59

Please do get in touch with us. Normal places,

48:02

mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. My

48:04

dad wrote on Instagram, at dadwroteporno

48:07

on Twitter slash X. Do we

48:09

have threads? Are we on threads, James?

48:11

No, should I get us on threads? Should we? Should

48:14

I get on threads? Should I do us a

48:15

TikTok? Oh, for God's sake, do us a TikTok. Okay, I'll try

48:17

and figure out TikTok in the next few weeks. Okay,

48:19

fine, you said it now. And yes, thanks so much for listening and

48:22

see you next month.

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