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Love now and Love

0:35

stronger

0:38

than anything. And

0:40

I love you more than anything.

0:44

Love it. Love. From

0:46

The New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

0:49

This is Modern Love.

0:54

Growing up, I went to church a lot,

0:56

and my life was filled with Christian

0:59

worship news

0:59

on the

1:00

Car radio, Sleepaway camp

1:03

at the young adult services at

1:05

church.

1:06

The lyrics were about the mystery

1:08

of the universe, all the grains

1:10

of sand on the beach. These unknowable

1:13

infinite things made manageable.

1:15

and catchy.

1:25

I echoed the worship leader in a calm

1:27

response, swaying, eyes closed,

1:30

I knew all the lyrics by heart.

1:33

Even if I didn't have any answers.

1:36

These songs made me feel like someone

1:38

out there did, and that gave

1:40

me a lot of comfort.

1:43

These days, I don't believe the

1:45

same way I did back then. But

1:48

recently, I was on the bus freaking

1:50

out about this person I've been seeing. I

1:53

was feeling unsure. I grounded.

1:55

I didn't know my next move. And

1:57

without even thinking about it,

1:59

I put on

1:59

a praise song.

2:01

And this music made my

2:03

problem

2:03

feel really small. It

2:06

brought me back to a time

2:07

when I felt sure there were answers.

2:10

But this time,

2:11

singing to myself on the bus. I

2:13

did both the call and the response.

2:20

Today, we have two tiny love

2:22

stories about music taking people

2:24

somewhere else, somewhere

2:26

private and vivid and accessible

2:29

only to them. Our first

2:31

story is from Sonya Perez.

2:39

I inherited

2:40

nostalgia from my father

2:43

on weekends in Brooklyn he

2:45

would play his seventy

2:46

eight RPM and Sonya

2:48

records. Drink

2:51

beer and look for Lauren. He'd

2:54

lose himself in lyrics about

2:56

Los Gimatos, the

2:59

noble farmers of the mountains. humility

3:02

and dreams would float through the air

3:04

while my sisters and I rolled our eyes.

3:07

We couldn't relate to music about

3:09

Puerto Rico's countryside. Once

3:12

I came home to my father sitting

3:15

on the sofa, his records

3:17

strewn about.

3:21

cracked into pieces. We

3:25

never asked, he never

3:27

explained. The

3:30

fishers remain. I

3:33

long to hear those songs.

4:08

Thank you so much for that

4:10

story, Sonia. Looking

4:13

back now, you know, as an

4:15

adult, why

4:17

do you think your father felt like he

4:20

had to

4:22

destroy those records?

4:26

I

4:26

sort of feel like when you do this in pulsive

4:29

thing. Right? You're fed up. You're like,

4:31

done. I'm done with it. Like, I

4:32

think he was done. What was he done

4:34

with? I think he was done with

4:36

you know, this idea that maybe

4:38

he would go back to Puerto Rico

4:40

by this house and live there. I

4:43

think he was done with

4:45

this sense that maybe he hadn't

4:48

achieved everything he wanted to and I

4:50

think he wanted to be in this

4:52

little house in the countryside of Puerto Rico.

4:55

Right. And

4:56

I think my sisters and I didn't

4:59

have connection to it. my brother

5:01

didn't have a connection to it and,

5:03

you know, I'm really sad about that.

5:05

I feel like if if not for that

5:07

impulsive moment, we would have this

5:10

Treasure

5:10

of music. That was his

5:12

Where in Puerto Rico was your dad from? He

5:15

was from, I was boyness. which

5:17

is a town in the center, in the

5:19

mountains of the countryside. Mhmm.

5:22

It's a place of creeks and

5:25

beautiful mountains. The air is

5:27

really fresh. Sometimes you

5:29

hear the roosters, but they're also

5:31

just lots of crickets and

5:33

chirping.

5:35

neighbors, looked out for each other,

5:37

there wasn't locks on the doors,

5:39

and I think about what

5:42

ashamed that he felt he had to leave it.

5:45

And what do you know about what his life

5:47

was like there?

5:49

He, I think, went to about

5:51

eighth

5:51

grade or so in school.

5:54

he did all kinds

5:56

of jobs from cutting sugarcane

5:59

to moving to San Juan and

6:01

selling furniture at one point. Mhmm.

6:03

In furniture, doors. And

6:05

so he went from the rural countryside

6:07

of Puerto Rico to San Juan, to

6:09

Rio Biedres. All I

6:11

know is that they were just simply not jobs

6:13

in Puerto Rico, and my father always

6:15

had this dream of buying a house.

6:17

That was the dream.

6:18

And did your dad ever

6:21

buy the house that he wanted so

6:24

much?

6:25

Yeah. They bought a house. I

6:27

was probably about nine or

6:29

ten, but

6:30

we were only there for two or three years, and

6:32

then we moved into an apartment,

6:34

which is the one that they lived in for the

6:36

next thirty years.

6:37

What do you remember about growing up

6:40

in Brooklyn in that apartment?

6:42

There

6:44

were eight of us. My parents were extremely

6:46

strict. We were seven girls

6:48

and one boy. very

6:51

traditional and very structured

6:53

because of what they perceive

6:55

as just external influences,

6:59

yeah,

6:59

and so that was the environment. Did

7:02

your father keep in touch with his

7:04

family back in Puerto Rico?

7:06

My father did not keep in touch with people.

7:08

My mother kept in touch with my father's family.

7:11

He didn't talk about his family a lot,

7:14

except when he was drinking, he would talk

7:16

about the past. Did you ask

7:18

questions

7:18

about his past or about Puerto

7:20

Rico as a kid?

7:21

we never asked questions because

7:24

it was kind of understood that we

7:25

we didn't have that kind of

7:27

relationship. Yeah. And

7:30

so I think when he was

7:32

listening to this music, I feel like

7:34

he allowed himself maybe or it just

7:36

came out a little bit more. Mhmm. But he wouldn't

7:38

share it with It was more like he would sit there

7:40

by himself, or then he would get mad that we

7:42

didn't know this music. So

7:45

it was just like his thing,

7:47

his space. So he'd be playing, and we would hear

7:49

it. But -- Mhmm. --

7:50

we didn't sit there and listen to it with him

7:53

necessarily.

7:53

my siblings and

7:55

I didn't speak Spanish to each other.

7:57

We didn't visit Puerto Rico, so we didn't

7:59

know a lot other than what they

8:01

told us or whether we were interested

8:04

ourselves in learning about it. And

8:06

I think that made him sad

8:08

too. Right? That it was sort of like,

8:10

we didn't have a connection to this place

8:13

that you know, was his

8:15

home.

8:16

Growing up, were you interested in

8:19

in learning more about the island?

8:21

I was always always interested.

8:23

I'm not sure how it gets transmitted,

8:25

but this feeling

8:27

that you belong somewhere else I

8:30

never felt like I belonged here,

8:32

even though I was born and raised in Brooklyn,

8:33

I

8:34

identified as Puerto Rican. It was,

8:36

like, right deep in me.

8:39

when I went

8:39

for the first time I was fourteen and

8:41

I just loved it, I went with

8:43

my mother. And

8:44

then I didn't go back until I was about twenty

8:47

five with my husband before we got

8:49

married. And then we got married there and lived there

8:51

for ten

8:51

years. Wow.

8:53

There is a huge part

8:55

of who I feel is

8:57

my identity and also what

8:59

I feel like inside. You know, what I

9:01

feel like inside is is

9:04

somebody that's, yes, part

9:06

Brooklyn, but definitely part

9:07

Puerto Rico even though I did not grow up

9:10

there.

9:10

it was really really important for me

9:12

to to learn Spanish, to know

9:14

it, read and write it, live there,

9:17

and carry that with me because I feel

9:19

like I carry my parents with

9:21

me. Although my life is completely

9:23

different than their lives were.

9:29

So you thank you

9:30

so much for sharing this story. I

9:33

feel so grateful to have talked to you

9:35

today. Thank you. I appreciate it being able to

9:37

share a little bit of my family

9:39

and to honor my father, Pedro

9:41

Perez.

9:53

After

9:53

the break, a mother feels

9:55

her daughter's love in a

9:57

way she wants that was impossible.

9:59

That's next.

10:05

This

10:05

episode is supported by Saks dot

10:08

com. A quick ten second browse at

10:10

Saks dot com is your guide defining the

10:12

best fall fashion. You'll find

10:14

curated shops that make it easy to find

10:16

effortlessly stylish pieces for work and

10:18

for happy hour after. Saks dot

10:20

com also has custom shops with personalized

10:22

recommendations and top trending

10:24

picks. Updated daily. Sachs

10:26

digital stylists are even able to give you

10:28

free styling advice. They can help you put

10:30

together a signature look that actually feels like

10:32

you. Plus, free

10:34

shipping, free returns every day

10:36

at zacks dot

10:36

com. I'm Kevin Ruse, and

10:39

I'm Casey Newton. We're technology

10:41

reporters and the hosts of hard work.

10:43

a new show from The New York Times. A hard fork

10:45

is a programming term for when you're building

10:47

something that gets really screwed up. So you

10:49

take the entire thing, break it, and

10:51

start over. And that's a little bit

10:53

what it feels like right now in the tech

10:55

industry. Like these companies that you and I have

10:57

been writing about for the past decade, they're

10:59

all kind of struggling to stay

11:01

relevant? Yeah. I I mean, a lot of the

11:03

energy and money in Silicon Valley is

11:05

shifting to totally new ideas.

11:07

Crypto, the Metiverse, AI,

11:09

feels like a real turning point. And all this is

11:12

happening so fast, some of it's

11:14

so strange. I just feel like I'm

11:16

texting you constantly, like, what

11:18

is this story. Explain this to

11:20

me. And so we're gonna talk about these

11:22

stories. We're gonna bring in other

11:24

journalists, newsmakers, whoever

11:26

else is involved in building this future to explain to

11:28

us what's changing and why it all

11:30

matters. Hard fork from The New York

11:32

Times. Listen wherever you get

11:34

your podcasts.

12:00

Grania Armstrong talked to me from

12:03

what she calls her therapy

12:05

room. It's a small cabin

12:07

just outside her house in Ireland with a

12:09

salt lamp and a cat named

12:11

Puka.

12:12

Everything felt calm, but

12:15

outside this room, things can

12:17

get hard. Grania's daughter,

12:19

Jenny, is autistic, and

12:21

throughout Jenny's childhood, the two

12:23

struggled to bond. Grania

12:25

wrote a tiny love story about a moment

12:27

when she and her daughter finally

12:29

connected.

12:34

So,

12:34

Grande, you wrote this

12:36

gorgeous tiny love story

12:39

called music in the woods about your

12:41

daughter, Jenny. Mhmm.

12:43

Tell me about her. What was Jenny like

12:45

as a child?

12:47

Okay. Where do I

12:49

start? I

12:50

suppose the

12:53

diminished Jenny was born. I

12:55

knew I knew something was

12:57

not quite right.

12:58

My

13:00

my career choice at the time was

13:02

I trained to be a nurse and particularly

13:04

for special needs. and my

13:07

expertise was with

13:09

autism and challenging behavior. Mhmm.

13:11

So to be actually told as a

13:14

parent that you now have a

13:16

child with physical

13:18

sensory, nervous disability. It

13:20

was just it's just

13:22

a pontoon god. You know?

13:25

Mhmm. And it just hit me.

13:27

This is going to be seven days a week,

13:29

twenty four hours a day, probably for

13:31

the rest of our lives.

13:32

So tell me about caring for

13:34

Jenny as a young child. What did

13:36

she like? What did she

13:38

not like?

13:39

Right. Jenny,

13:42

her her sensory processing

13:45

was all off. we

13:47

couldn't really touch her in a comfortable

13:49

way. She didn't enjoy touch.

13:52

Mhmm. She didn't like

13:54

going into places that had

13:56

roofs on them like banks or

13:58

post offices or arcades.

14:01

The noise it was just

14:03

too much for her, so she would

14:05

scream to override

14:07

the noise that was coming into

14:09

her brain. and that went on for

14:11

a long, long time until we

14:13

employed this therapy. It was a

14:15

music therapy that uses headphones

14:18

And it helps the sensory

14:21

processing to dissipate, I suppose,

14:23

across robotic. Mhmm. But

14:25

Jenny's head was so small. We could get

14:27

no headphones to fit on

14:29

her head. So we

14:31

literally had to sew the headphones

14:33

into a little boneless to tie

14:35

around her chin. We had

14:38

to start from literally ten

14:40

seconds of her listening to that music. and

14:42

work it up to twenty minutes a day.

14:44

And her music just seemed

14:47

to take her to a place that you

14:49

could reach her. in a more

14:51

productive way. She wasn't screaming. She

14:53

would listen to the music and you could lay a

14:55

hand on her then to do something

14:57

constructive with her. she

14:59

was starting to maybe

15:01

look at her surroundings outside

15:03

her house -- Mhmm. -- the

15:05

beaches, the woods, the lakes, she

15:08

just seemed to be

15:10

really calm and present

15:13

in those kind of situations.

15:15

What is something that you

15:17

and Jenny like to do together?

15:20

I suppose

15:23

every single day

15:24

nearly. We go for a walk in the

15:26

woods together.

15:28

It's a wood that was set

15:30

back in the eighteenth century.

15:33

So it's full of oak

15:35

and

15:35

ash and horse chestnuts

15:38

and lime trees and

15:40

large and there is

15:41

one lovely area which

15:44

myself and Jenny both feel I

15:46

think is very energetic. It's called

15:48

the Monterrey pine grove It

15:51

was a pine grove that was set back in

15:53

the eighteenth century, but the trees

15:55

are enormous and they're on top

15:57

of a hill and

15:58

the cones the

15:59

pine cones when they fall in autumn,

16:02

they're huge. They're absolutely

16:05

huge. But Jenny seems

16:07

to always stop at this spot and

16:09

she will lock up into the

16:11

crown of the the trees

16:13

and she could stand there for ages.

16:16

for Jenny, I have to explain this.

16:18

For Jenny

16:18

to actually stand and

16:20

tilt her head back and look up

16:22

to the sky.

16:24

was a skill that took years

16:26

to develop balance

16:28

wise. So

16:29

we you know, on

16:31

her walks, that's an opportunity

16:33

for us to give her

16:35

the choice of

16:37

where she wants to go. And

16:39

that's actually where your

16:41

tiny love story

16:43

starts. Will you read it

16:45

for me now?

16:47

I will.

16:51

Okay.

16:53

Jenny

16:54

plays music

16:55

from her MP3 player.

16:58

Christmas girls in July.

17:01

Operating voices fill the woods

17:03

as Robin's flutter down and

17:06

surround her. Jenny

17:06

stops moving

17:08

and stares.

17:11

The robin

17:13

scene. No

17:16

words are spoken. Complete

17:20

contentment in nature.

17:21

She turns to me and plants an

17:24

awkward resolute kiss on my lips. It

17:26

is only now in her teenage years

17:28

that she can tolerate touch.

17:31

I pull my autistic

17:33

daughter to my breast and feed

17:35

her love. It's

17:40

such a

17:41

beautiful moment that the

17:43

two of you are sharing, how did

17:46

it feel that she was the one

17:49

who kissed you?

17:50

If

17:54

we just warm your heart,

17:56

she was accepting me

17:58

as her mother.

18:00

But for her

18:03

to actually just kind of

18:05

grab my face and

18:07

plunk a big kiss on my lips,

18:09

It just showed me that

18:11

she knew exactly what she was doing.

18:13

She knew what a kiss was about. She

18:16

had some sense of what it

18:18

would make me feel, I think.

18:20

Mhmm. And I felt like her mother,

18:22

not her care, not her therapist

18:24

-- Mhmm. -- with nothing like I

18:26

just felt like her mother.

18:36

Modern

18:40

love is produced by Julia

18:42

Bottero, Christina Josa, Elisa

18:45

Dudley, and Hans butte. It's

18:47

edited by Sarah Harrison. This

18:49

episode was mixed by Dan

18:51

Powell. The

18:51

modern love the music

18:53

is by Dan Powell, original music

18:55

by Elisha B'itu, and

18:58

Ramito, and digital

18:59

production by Maheema

19:01

Chablani and Nel Gallogly.

19:04

special thanks to Anna Diamond at Autumn, and to

19:06

Ansonia records, and pure

19:08

music. The modern love column is

19:10

edited by Daniel Jones. Mia Lee

19:12

is the editor of modern love projects.

19:14

I'm Anna Martin. Thank

19:17

you for listening.