0:00

Hey there , curious minds and self-improvement

0:02

dapplers , welcome to me , myself and my best

0:05

self . The podcast where we casually navigate

0:07

the maze of personal growth without the hype , no

0:10

promises of overnight transformations or

0:12

grand life revelations here , just

0:14

real talk , relatable stories and a few

0:16

laughs as we figure out this whole becoming our

0:18

best selves thing . I'm Claire

0:20

Bennet , your guide through the maze of life's quirks

0:23

and challenges . Let's wander through it

0:25

together . No pressure , no perfection , just

0:27

a touch of curiosity . This

0:30

week we're going to discuss relationships

0:32

. Now , like with most things

0:34

, they're not all created equal , as

0:37

much as sometimes we don't like to admit it . People

0:39

need people , us

0:41

humans as social beings , and research

0:43

constantly shows that our well-being

0:45

is in string , in string

0:48

I can't even say that word intrinsically

0:50

tied to the quality of our relationships

0:52

. From the moment we enter

0:55

the world , our connection with others plays a

0:57

fundamental role in shaping our experiences

0:59

, whether it's the bond with family

1:01

, friends or even strangers . These connections

1:03

enrich or even impair

1:05

our lives in a profound way . As

1:09

I said , that's not

1:11

all relationships are created equal

1:13

and I'm sure when you look at

1:15

your current relationships , you have different relationships

1:17

to meet different needs . For example , you

1:20

might have some very important professional relationships

1:22

, but you're not going to be personal with

1:24

them . But

1:26

that doesn't mean that one relationship is necessarily

1:29

more important than the other . Right

1:31

now I'm trying to grow my coaching and well-being business

1:34

. Now , although my friends and some family

1:36

members are great support for me , they're

1:38

not necessarily the right people for me to

1:40

get advice from or they're not

1:42

going to help me grow my business on network . I

1:45

need to find people like me so

1:47

that we can support each other and learn from each

1:49

other . In business , as the

1:51

old saying goes , it's not what you know , but

1:53

who you know . Some people might think

1:55

that this saying is all about nepotism

1:58

, but I just think it makes good business

2:00

sense . For example , as a coach , I

2:02

cannot and I don't work with everyone

2:04

, so having a network of coaches enables

2:06

me to pass on referrals . It's a

2:08

win-win . My network gets a potential client

2:11

and the client finds a good coach . Most

2:13

experts will tell you when starting a new career

2:16

or business or when trying to grow your

2:18

business , you should surround yourself with people

2:20

that have already done it . They act as

2:22

inspiration and often people are happy to give

2:24

you advice . Most of

2:26

the time , all you have to do is ask why

2:29

not learn from a pro or take you less time

2:31

than trying to do it alone . Over

2:34

the past few weeks , I've been thinking a lot about my

2:36

own relationships . I'm lucky . I

2:38

have good family relationships , good relationships

2:41

with my husband , have a good group

2:43

of friends , and as I get older

2:45

, I recognise that quality of relationship

2:47

is better than quantity , and

2:50

I also know that I'm not going to get all of my

2:52

needs met from one person . Also

2:55

, all relationships need to be nurtured and

2:57

one of the most important

2:59

things is you

3:02

get out what you put

3:04

into a relationship . Although

3:08

I do have really

3:11

good relationships in my life , not

3:13

all my relationships are good and

3:16

for some of these relationships I no longer see

3:18

the person . But I do have one relationship

3:20

where I've decided to keep that person as

3:22

part of my life , and

3:24

with this relationship I have steadfast

3:27

boundaries . This relationship is

3:29

with my dad . My dad

3:31

is an alcoholic and it has now

3:33

got to the stage where the alcohol is his

3:35

whole life . Over the past eight years I've tried

3:38

to support him quick drinking . I've

3:40

tried everything from having him stay with me

3:42

to completely cutting him out of my life , but

3:45

every time he chooses to drink , I spend

3:47

time with me . I take

3:49

it personally even to the point that at

3:52

one point I believe that it was something that I

3:54

was doing . I've

3:56

done a lot of work on myself to help me deal with

3:58

this relationship . I now know

4:00

that his actions are nothing to do with me

4:03

and I have no control over his drinking

4:05

, but I don't want to cut my dad

4:07

out of my life and I also recognise

4:09

that alcoholism is a disease , but

4:11

it's only him that can try and fight it

4:14

. So I

4:16

have really clear boundaries with my dad

4:18

. For example , I will not

4:20

see him if he's been drinking and

4:23

, as most of the time this probably means

4:25

that I don't see him , If

4:27

he needs help , he needs to contact me

4:29

. I'm not going to preempt what

4:31

I think he needs . I found

4:34

that when I did try

4:36

and preempt what he needed , I was spending so

4:38

much energy on doing everything for my dad

4:40

and most of the time it

4:42

wasn't necessarily

4:44

something that he wanted and I definitely

4:47

got no thanks for it . One

4:49

of the biggest challenges for me was that

4:51

I try and call my dad

4:53

and on most occasions he doesn't

4:55

pick up . I presume

4:58

he was drunk or asleep

5:00

. Now this could persist

5:02

for a few weeks . It would get to the point where I'd

5:05

have to go to my dad's flat to do a welfare

5:07

check in reality to see

5:09

if he was still alive . His constant

5:11

behaviour led to a lot of stress in my life , so

5:14

I put in a solution that would help me . I

5:17

got my dad a cleaner one that is

5:19

very sympathetic to his needs . They

5:22

clean once a week , so

5:25

at least I know once a week my dad

5:27

is OK , and if there are any red

5:29

flags then I'm lucky enough that

5:31

she does call me . This solution

5:33

has meant that I'm not living in constant anxiety

5:36

and also that I'm not resenting my

5:38

dad and his drinking . It's

5:40

not perfect , but I'm making it work . But

5:43

I am lucky . I have great relationship with my

5:45

sister , and having someone to experience

5:47

this with helps because we both understand

5:50

what we're going through . And

5:53

so , although I'm confident that I'm dealing with

5:55

this relationship the best way that I can

5:57

, and although it's far from positive

5:59

, I've got to the place where it has minimal impact

6:02

on my wellbeing . I've realised

6:04

that I could benefit for some

6:07

more support , though . I

6:09

looked up therapy , but I decided

6:12

that actually group dynamic would be beneficial

6:14

for me . So here in the UK they

6:16

have a support group called AI and ON . It's

6:19

basically alcohol alcohol

6:22

, anonymous , for family and friends . I've

6:24

decided to start going to the meetings

6:27

as I feel I need that extra support to navigate

6:29

this part of my life and , just

6:31

like business , it's probably best to learn from someone

6:34

that has already gone through it , but

6:39

I do also believe that you need to know

6:41

when to walk away from relationships or know

6:44

when you need to stop making an effort . Maybe

6:47

you're initiating all the contact and you

6:49

feel that the relationship is all one sided

6:51

. I have a relationship

6:53

like this at the moment in my life and

6:55

it is one that has played and it has really played

6:57

on my mind and

6:59

probably it's the reason I decided to actually talk

7:02

about this today . This

7:05

friend moved away a few years ago and

7:08

in that time I've made the effort to go and see

7:10

them at their house on more than one occasion

7:12

. A few months back , I

7:14

made plans again to see them , but

7:17

unfortunately my husband dead up in hospital

7:20

for a few days and life just got a bit busy

7:22

. When I let this friend know , they

7:24

said oh , let's just replan when you can come

7:26

and see me . There's no suggestion

7:28

of them coming to see me or even meeting me

7:30

halfway Now . I'm

7:33

not going to fall out with this person . We

7:35

all have busy lives and if I'm

7:37

near their neck of the woods then I'll arrange

7:40

to see them . Also , if I organise

7:42

any events , they'll be invited , but

7:44

I'm not going to make a special effort . I'm

7:46

sure I'll keep in touch with this friend and maybe

7:48

later our lives will resync with each other

7:51

. But at this moment we live in very

7:53

different lives and although it's not a negative

7:55

relationship , it's also not having

7:57

a positive impact . I think sometimes

7:59

we need to take stock of our relationships and

8:01

dial up the ones that have

8:04

the biggest positive impact and dial

8:06

down the ones that are less positive . Now

8:10

, positive relationships . Research

8:14

just constantly shows that strong

8:16

social connections contribute

8:18

to our happiness , our resilience and even

8:20

our physical health . But

8:23

what makes a relationship quality

8:25

? For me , a healthy

8:27

relationship needs to have

8:30

open and honest communication . You

8:32

need to have trust . You also need to have

8:34

mutual respect for the person and for

8:36

the relationship . You need to have

8:39

things in common and actually

8:41

enjoy spending time with them . They

8:43

need to be an energiser in

8:46

your life and not a drainer . But

8:48

most importantly and this is the one that I would

8:50

always consider is that it needs to be

8:52

an equal relationship , meaning that

8:54

you're both putting in the same effort . Now

8:56

, I think that relationships are not always equal

8:59

and that sometimes you might need to put in

9:01

more effort and vice versa

9:03

, but overall , the relationship should be equal

9:05

and you need to be a source of support for

9:07

each other . I found over

9:09

the years that I've had friendships come and

9:11

go , like

9:13

the one I just spoke about . These can be

9:15

intimate relationships , friendships , professional

9:18

and even family members . In most

9:20

cases , there was not a big talk or

9:22

a big breakup , or maybe , for the intimate

9:24

ones , we just drifted apart

9:27

. Our lives evolved and the relationship

9:29

didn't evolve with it . On the

9:31

most part a lot of these relationships , I'd

9:33

welcome the person back into my life with

9:35

open arms , but I don't grieve

9:37

these relationships . Instead , I'm thankful

9:40

for them . They came into my life , left . A positive

9:42

impact might even be friends with some

9:44

of them . On Facebook , I'll like their posts

9:46

and say happy birthday once a year , but

9:48

beyond that , it's not an active relationship

9:51

and I think we need to be okay

9:53

with that . I

9:55

also think we need to be okay with not everyone

9:57

wanting to be our friend . This

9:59

is a lesson I learnt when I moved to Madrid . I

10:01

was 29 and now living in a country

10:03

where I knew no one except for my husband . For

10:06

the first few months it was lonely . I didn't

10:08

even speak the language so I couldn't even make

10:10

conversation with the checkout person as I was

10:12

doing my food shop . I also didn't

10:14

have any children and most people

10:16

were moving to a new country , find

10:18

friends through their children's school or

10:21

children's activities . We also

10:23

didn't live in an expat

10:25

area . All our neighbours were Spanish . They

10:27

were lovely , but , as I said , I didn't speak

10:29

Spanish so I had to start

10:32

dating for friends . I met a few people

10:34

through my husband's work and so anytime

10:36

anyone invited us anywhere we went . I

10:39

also started yoga and Spanish

10:41

classes . I lived in Madrid

10:43

for just over four years and in that time I met

10:45

hundreds of people . And now , 14

10:48

years on and back in the UK , I still

10:50

have some of these people in my life , but

10:53

I can count them on one hand and

10:55

to different degrees . For example , my

10:58

friend Irene is now one

11:00

of my best friends and I pretty much

11:02

speak to her at least once a week or see

11:05

her once a week , or

11:07

to Helen , who maybe I speak to or

11:09

I see once a year , but what I

11:11

learned from this experience is that it's hard to

11:13

make friends as an adult and when you're actively

11:16

looking for new friends . You are not

11:18

going to be friends with everyone , and

11:20

that is OK , but I think making

11:22

new friends is imperative for a positive

11:24

life . As you evolve as a

11:26

person , you need people in your life to support

11:28

this evolution . Think about it

11:30

when was the last time that you made a new friend

11:32

? Is there a part of your life that would

11:34

benefit from a new friend ? One

11:38

of my goals the next year is to nurture

11:40

my positive relationships , those relationships

11:42

that energize me , that

11:44

bring me joy . I've already

11:47

got some dates in the diary with Vicky and Jeanette

11:49

, who I've known for 30 years , and

11:52

, although we might not see each other as much as we'd like

11:55

, we always make the time for each other . I've

11:58

also set up a monthly breakfast date for

12:00

me , my mum and my sisters Just

12:02

something casual where we can sit down and enjoy

12:04

each other's company . Also

12:07

, with the husband , we have started to make a list

12:09

of things that we want to do next year , from holiday

12:12

destinations to household repairs

12:14

, stuff that we can do together . I'm

12:17

also actively looking for ways

12:19

to increase my professional network . I've

12:23

been using things like Meetup and what's

12:26

the other one . Everbright have some great events

12:28

and you can usually find groups

12:31

of people that for

12:34

me it will be Coyctin or Welbeam

12:36

. But if you're into technology , there's groups

12:38

of technology , there's groups of entrepreneurs

12:40

, there's groups of finance . So

12:44

I'll be looking at that and

12:46

making sure that I attend them . And

12:49

then and

12:52

I think we need to

12:54

put ourselves out there with relationships

12:56

I think it's all too easy that just

12:59

because the relationship has been in our life for

13:01

a long , long time , you don't need to

13:03

nurture it . But I think

13:05

relationships are so important

13:07

. They really do impact

13:09

our health , our wellbeing , they

13:13

make life worth living , and

13:15

I think we lock down , we

13:18

kind of got out

13:20

of that habit of seeing people especially

13:22

face to face . But you can do it online

13:24

. There are lots of relationships that people have

13:26

online . But get

13:29

out there , nurture your relationships

13:31

. And

13:33

so I

13:37

think with relationships in all their intrinsic

13:39

forms are the threads that weave

13:41

the fabric of our lives . As we navigate

13:44

this complex maze of personal growth , it's

13:46

essential to recognise that not all relationships

13:48

are created equal . They

13:50

serve different purposes , meet different needs

13:53

and contribute to the rich tapestry

13:55

of our experiences . Reflecting

13:57

on my own journey through relationships , I've

14:00

come to appreciate the importance of quality

14:02

over quantity . The people we surround

14:04

ourselves with play a significant

14:06

role in shaping our lives . From

14:08

friends and family to professional connections

14:11

, each relationship carries its unique

14:13

weight and impact In the

14:15

realm of our own experiences . Maintaining

14:18

a healthy relationship with my father despite

14:20

the challenges of alcoholism has

14:22

taught me the importance of steadfast boundaries

14:25

and seeking support when needed . It's

14:28

a testament to the resilience we can find

14:30

within ourselves and the strength derived

14:32

from positive connections . Sometimes

14:35

we have relationships that we can't

14:37

just walk away from , but you can

14:40

put boundaries Quite

14:42

. Often people say to me do you know what ? I have

14:44

this relationship with my sister or brother

14:47

or mother or father or friend

14:49

, and when

14:52

I try and talk to them about X

14:54

, they're always so dismissive or this

14:57

. Or now . Sometimes you

14:59

need to be the change that you want to

15:01

see . So start treating that

15:03

person the way that you want them

15:06

to treat you . And it's amazing

15:08

sometimes that , as much as we don't

15:10

feel like we have control over

15:13

somebody else no , we don't , and sometimes

15:16

that person is never going to change

15:18

. But we can control how

15:21

we act within that situation . Remember

15:24

it's okay to reassess and recalibrate

15:27

our relationships . As life evolves

15:29

, so do we , and the connections that once served

15:31

us might need adjustments . It's not

15:33

about closing chapters , but

15:35

about recognizing the ebb and flow of our

15:37

relationships . So

15:40

, as you ponder the relationships in your life

15:42

, consider this positive connections contribute

15:46

significantly to happiness , resilience

15:48

and overall wellbeing . What makes

15:50

a relationship quality is the foundation

15:53

of open communication , trust , mutual

15:55

respect , shared experiences and

15:57

equal effort . Now

16:00

, as I wrap up today's podcast

16:02

, take a moment to reflect on your own relationships

16:05

. Are they energizing or draining , supportive

16:07

or stifling ? Remember

16:10

it's never too late to nurture new connections

16:12

. In the grand tapestry

16:14

of life , each relationship past , present

16:17

leaves a mark , and for that we can

16:19

be grateful . So thank

16:21

you for joining me on this episode of me myself

16:23

and my best self . Until next time , keep

16:25

wandering through the maze with curiosity , embracing

16:28

the imperfections , and , as always , seek in

16:31

your best self without the pressure of perfection

16:33

. Cheers to the journey

16:35

.