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Hi everyone and welcome back to the Making Milestones podcast.

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I'm recording this next podcast just a week after publishing my last one. So shout out to me.

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Give me a round of applause because I am almost a real podcaster who has an

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actual schedule and posts weekly instead of just whenever the heck they want to.

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So I think that I deserve a gold medal for this. Just saying.

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No, I'm actually just kidding because no guarantees that this is going to continue

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this way because there's a very good chance that it will not.

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So, anyway, I kind of just record podcasts when I'm hit with inspo or a desire

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to talk about things, because largely these podcasts are just a stream of consciousness,

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drivel of me saying whatever I want.

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I don't script them, I just say what I'm thinking in the moment,

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so I would like to think they are very authentic.

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However sometimes maybe I do say some

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pretty dumb shit if I am not scripting them

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we'll leave that up to you to decide so today's

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podcast is kind of like a step forward off of the last one I did about like

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the grief and like ego death associated with like re-evaluating your priorities

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in the horse world and the way in which you go about things it's kind of a step

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forward off of that because this is just like the next step.

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And it's going to be like a lot different than any other podcast I've done, to be honest.

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So this might not be everyone's cup of tea to listen to.

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But if you don't want to listen to it, the good news is you don't have to.

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I'm not holding a gun to your head so you can just turn it off.

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Anywho, before we get into it, I just need to do a quick little plug for my

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business and say that if you're interested in getting more training advice,

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tutorials etc I have a patreon that has

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access to all sorts of those things and you can access

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that at the link in the description of this podcast or at patreon.com slash

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sd eq uus I also do webinars and I sell the webinar recordings on my main website

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which is milestone equestrian.ca which will also be linked below and there's

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webinars on a variety of different topics that you can check out.

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And then I also have an online store where I sell horse bridles and equestrian apparel.

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I'm having some huge sales on my 2023 apparel to clear it all out so that I

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can make more space for products that are coming in.

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So there's some really, really good deals. Please check those out.

2:24

Help me clear out my storage area because it is hectic.

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It looks like a bomb went off in there. It is like a.

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Classic ADHD room, if you know what I mean.

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Anyways, you can check that out at shop milestone X that's shop milestone eq.com.

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And that will also be in the link of this podcast in the description,

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I should say the link will be so thank you for your support.

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It's always very appreciated. It helps me continue doing what I'm doing.

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And it will hopefully eventually lead to me building the farm of my dreams because

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of your all your guys support. So I much, much, Much, much appreciated.

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So anyways, today's podcast is going to be like, it's going to sound fluffy

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and flowery in the title, but hopefully people will give her a listen and kind

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of just start to see where I'm coming from with it.

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I wanted to talk about what I would like consider a spiritual awakening in the

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sense that when you have that ego death,

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when you start to change the way that

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you're going about things in the horse world and just have like a complete pivot

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on your life path in my eyes

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it is a spiritual awakening because you see so

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many other things differently like you can't

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really start giving horses more compassion and re-evaluating

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the way you approach horse training without re-evaluating the ways that you

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approach yourself and how hard you are on yourself and just the ways in which

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that you perceive your own mistakes and the ways that you go about things and

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all that So I find that all this stuff is really connected.

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The more you start to delve into behavioral science pertaining to horses,

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the harder it becomes to ignore how relevant the application of that is to humans as well.

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And it starts to alter and shift the way that you view everything.

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It just kind of makes you hopefully solidify your life path.

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So what I wanted to talk about is that like

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for years I really did not

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know who I was as a person I was operating through my

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life going through the motions of what I thought other people wanted me to be

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but the important thing to note is that I wasn't aware that that's why I was

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doing it I thought that I was doing what I actually wanted and that I just didn't

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really understand why I was so frustrated and like unfulfilled and just generally

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unhappy but this was going on for years years and years and years,

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a lot of my likes and dislikes, a lot of my preferences,

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a lot of the things that I did, even like how I dress and everything,

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like it was so heavily influenced.

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By what I thought other people would like and what I thought other people wanted

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and what I thought like other people that I admired were doing.

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And it wasn't really influenced by like what I really, really truly wanted to do for myself.

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It wasn't decisions that I was making for the benefit of myself.

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It was so heavily rooted in trying to seek the approval of others and trying

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to follow what I viewed to be like popular mindsets or styles, etc.

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And I was robbing myself of my own authenticity and individuality in the process

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all without realizing it. And.

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It stemmed so deeply from like a deep insecurity that I couldn't erase and that

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I didn't even realize how pervasive it was in my life.

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And it was impacting everything from my day-to-day life outside of horses to

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also what I did in horses. So like my showing and

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everything that I was doing with my horses and trying to

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basically create value for myself in

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the horse world it was all through the lens of what I

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thought made me valuable to other people rather than

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what made me feel valuable to myself and that

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was from everything in and out of the horse world and it colored virtually every

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single decision I ever made about myself even when there was no one else around

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because there'd be this sense of shame of doing certain things that I thought

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people wouldn't like or that wouldn't make me popular amongst other people or

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that were viewed as like uncool or cringy or whatever.

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So it was like this brain cloud that followed me around that was robbing me

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of my own individuality because I was just so scared of the way that I'd be

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perceived by other people. And it wasn't very fun. Like I'm going to be completely honest.

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It wasn't straight up was not having a good time.

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So the reason why I wanted to talk about this is because.

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Being able to kind of step into embracing the cringe and just doing what I want,

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regardless of whether or not people like me less because of it, has been very freeing.

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And it has allowed me to make better decisions for myself without the fear of

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how it will cause other people to perceive me.

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And that has been so, so special and important.

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And it's also just led to me being a happier person.

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Person so the more I've embraced that

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cringe and I've just done things that feel right for me and

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have just done things because I want to do them the

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better my life has gotten and the more synchronicities I

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notice in life and the more I notice my life path just evening out and seeing

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a more clear path to my future I've really started to get a firm handle on what

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it is I actually want in life like what it is that I truly want on a soul level

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rather than what I wanted based off of.

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The societal influences around me.

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And it has afforded me a level of freedom and certainty and just self expression

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and happiness that I have not had ever before this.

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And the reason why I wanted to talk about this was to hopefully give other people

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more confidence in doing the same for themselves.

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Because once you start doing it, you realize that if the worst thing you can

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be is like cringy to other people, that's pretty good.

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Because I've started to kind of look at things through the

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lens of I think it's a lot cringier to

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be the type of person walking around judging people for

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doing completely harmless things that just make them happy

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just because you don't like them like that is far more

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cringy than it is to look funny or weird or mildly embarrassing in the public

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eye while enjoying yourself in a perfectly harmless way because if you're looking

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around at people judging them for enjoying themselves when they're not hurting anyone and you're just.

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Putting that negative energy out into the world, that is pretty cringy.

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And it is harmful to both yourself and the people around you if you choose to

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voice those public judgments about things, because they're judgments about completely harmless things.

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You're not judging people for being toxic. You're not judging people for causing

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harm to animals or humans around them.

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You're judging them for the stuff that they wear, for saying things that are

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quirky and and embarrassing to you.

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And for all in all, just enjoying their life in a way that's harming absolutely no one.

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And what I've noticed about myself is when I was doing that type of thing the

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most, where I was judging other people for being what I perceived as embarrassing or cringy,

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it was a projection of like my own internal insecurities and my own lack of

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desire to express myself in an authentic way.

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And I think there's a certain amount of jealousy or envy be towards the people

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who could do those things and watching them do it made me uncomfortable.

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And to be fair, this is something that I'm still working through because like,

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I do catch myself sometimes starting to do this or I'll feel like uncomfortable in certain situations.

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But I'm starting to learn more and more that like, it's coming from a place

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where I have been judged for being myself and been judged for doing things that are authentic to to me.

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And I've had those things shut down by people who were the type of person to be.

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Partially judging people or calling them cringy or making fun of them for doing

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harmless things that just made them happy, which is honestly such a shitty thing to do.

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It is one of the shittiest things you can do. It's effectively clipping the

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wings of someone who has found their freedom.

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And why do we want to do that? Right? Like,

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why do we want to make people feel crappy for

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doing things that at their core just make them feel happy

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that rhymed that was pretty cool so I

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started trying to sway away from doing that and I've also started

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to try to care less about whether or not people think I'm cringy

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because online people call me cringy all the time and they're like oh this is

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so cringy it's like you literally took the time out of your day just to like

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post a negative comment for no reason when you could have just thought that

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in your head and moved on with your life but no you had to make make sure that

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I was aware of your public disapproval of something that at its core is completely harmless.

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So what does that say about you, right? And I think that's also why I'm so good

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at triggering people online with my posts that at their core are written about

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generalized thoughts and events. Usually, I trigger people because I call out

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things that I used to do that they are still

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doing and it makes them viscerally uncomfortable because

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they feel seen in a way that they did not want

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to be and then they're forced to kind of be exposed

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to and come to terms with things that they would have rather

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have not had to that they would have rather ignored and

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swept under their rug and then people such as

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myself who have been where they are and intimately understand

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it and talk about that make them feel very

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uncomfortable because then they're put in a situation where they either

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need to shove down the feelings that that brings out

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in them or they are forced

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to address it which is very uncomfortable and that's the thing the process

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of having what these these spiritual awakenings and

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whatnot and changing who you are and

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changing the course of your life is not a comfortable one because it directly

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requests you to move away from that relative comfort zone that you've created

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and then venture out into the unknown which is It's never going to be comfortable

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or easy because you're going to have to let go of certain patterns of habits

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that you've grown very accustomed to. And it's not going to be comfortable or easy.

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It's going to be a challenge. It's going to be difficult. So.

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It's not the easiest thing to do at all. And it's not comfortable.

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So this is kind of got kind of go into something where people might not love

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what I'm saying, because I wanted to talk about some specific stories.

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And what kind of has helped me have these epiphanies in life.

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But honestly, a huge portion of it was getting into the horse behavioral science realm,

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and really just getting a deeper understanding of animal behavioral science,

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because it is so heavily linked to human

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behavioral science and human psychology that it's really

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hard to ignore that crossover and then

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what that led me to do is to read and

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listen to a lot of audiobooks on human psychology and more

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fringe belief systems that I'm using fringe kind of vaguely because fringe doesn't

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mean that they have no scientific backing it's more so that they're not like

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broadly accepted or shared in the traditional human science realm they're kind

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of withheld even though they do do have merit.

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So for anyone who's interested in books, to read a couple of those books would

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be The Myth of Normal by Gabor Matej. And then I'm reading one right now called

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Becoming Supernatural. I forgot the name of the author. I'm going to look it up right now.

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Becoming Supernatural by Dr.

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Joe Dispenza. And then also another one was The Gift of Fear.

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Can't remember the name of that author, but if you look it up, it'll come up.

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Written by like another psychology professional professional and really

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really interesting it talks about intuition and just

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like the mind body connection and how you have the

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capacity to actually heal your body from within by changing your type your your

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perspective there's another one that i have downloaded that i haven't listened

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to yet that is called you are the placebo and i think it's along the same lines

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where it's essentially saying that like the placebo effect is the result believing

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so heavily that we can can do something that it actually happens.

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So all those things are really interesting. And they changed my perspective

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of what we know of the world as we know it, because I do think there's a lot

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of spirituality that has gotten lost and a lot of more holistic methods,

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helping heal mental health issues, and even physical health issues that have

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gotten last lost, because we have extinguished so many of the mindset that kind

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of leaned in that direction. I do also have the perspective that because of

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the colonial mindset we have quite literally

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murdered and genocided entire

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populations of people who would have been able to share

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these perspectives on a far broader basis and we've

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effectively erased a lot of the history behind that that

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would have otherwise been able to be shared and it

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still is it hasn't erased it in entirety but

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because of the damage much we've done it's never going to be the same as it

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as it would have been if we if we hadn't done that and I do think that that

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kind of changed the entire path

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that we take from a physical and mental standpoint for human health where.

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We kind of are pushing a lot, like the most profitable means of achieving health

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rather than encouraging people to learn about ways that they can help heal themselves from within.

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And again, I'm not throwing out the medical sector and how modern day medicine

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is great, it has done a lot of amazing things and how beneficial it can be.

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But I do firmly believe that there is

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incentive to make people completely and

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utterly dependent on that and to kind of

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throw shame and doubt towards methods

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that other core about like spiritual awakening and spiritual healing

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from within and learning more about the

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mind body connection because if people actually fully

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subscribe to that and really learn how to master it it would make a decent number

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of what is currently profitable in big pharma obsolete so i do think that there's

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incentive to essentially potentially withhold certain types of information to

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an extent because there is this profit.

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And also the other thing to consider is that because we live in a colonial capitalistic

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world right now, if we taught people those things, and if we taught them to

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become more interconnected with each other and with themselves and with nature,

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they would start to really kind of hone in on the fact that like what we're doing,

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working our lives away just to like

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work for the the man and make money and just get

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the bare minimum basic necessities they really start

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to level with how stupid and unfair that is

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and how much it sucks and how we're throwing out so much of the pleasures that

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we could be having in life and so much of the true meaning of life to do things

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that largely make no sense and are only benefiting a very tiny percentage of

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incredibly incredibly wealthy people that are hoarding resources and being exceptionally greedy.

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And that we are all suffering for their benefit.

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But even with that, those people who are the billionaires of the world who are

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hoarding all these resources. They are like a black hole. Their soul is a black hole, which is why they need

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to hoard the amount of money that they have and nothing satiates them.

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They're hungry for more and more and more, no matter how many people they have

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to starve, both literally and emotionally and spiritually to get what they are

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seeking, but it is still never enough, which is why no matter how much much more rich they get, they still want more.

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Nothing satiates them. Nothing is enough.

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And it's because they are losing parts of themselves and they're seeking to

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fill those missing parts of themselves using things that will never do the job

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because what they are missing is connection and understanding with themselves,

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with the people around them and with the environment.

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And they've been trying to make up for that with money and resources and things

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and materialism, And it's not enough. So they will never be pleased. There is no end to their desire to continue to

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hoard wealth and resources because they are seeking to fill something that they

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absolutely cannot with the types of things that they're trying to fill it with.

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So with my spiritual awakening thing, I want to talk about that because I think

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colonialism and capitalism is a large part of why people are so lost right now

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and a large part of why people are so unhappy right now.

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Because one, so many people are hardly making ends meet. We're living paycheck to paycheck.

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Cost of living has gone up exponentially. financially, and people in my generation

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and ones just before it and also ones just after it,

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we're living in an environment now where we are working harder and more hours

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than other generations before us with less in return.

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We aren't getting the same type of pay.

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We can't buy houses. We can't afford food as easily, but we're working harder than ever before.

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The cost of living has absolutely exploded but incomes

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have not gone up and the people at the top of

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the pyramid the fucking billionaires profiting more

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than ever at the expense of everyone else and

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they're still not happy they're still not satiated and

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like people can be like how do you know they're not happy i know they're fucking not

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happy because if you have to have that much money at the detriment of

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so many millions and billions of people around

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you and you are are still hoarding more

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and more and more knowing that you are literally causing

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people to starve and die and be homeless like

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you're not a happy person full stop and people can

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argue with me about that until they're blue in the face but no you're not

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a happy person if you're like that there's something fucking wrong with

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you and just to be blunt if we were studying any

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other animal species and there were a very

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small handful of that species who were

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just sitting around hoarding more resources than

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they could ever use or need in their lifetime and

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they hoarded it while they were watching their own

20:20

species starve and die around them and watching the mental health of all of

20:25

the other species and the physical health just degrade as they sat on what is

20:30

essentially this fucking dragon stash of goods that they don't need we would

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study them and go what the the fuck is wrong with this species?

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We would study them and go, why are they doing this? This seems extremely mentally ill and fucked up.

20:45

And yet when we have humans doing that, there's a thousand and one excuses for why it's happening,

20:51

because the people running the media and effectively running the show for so

20:54

much of the stuff that would expose these types of behaviors for what they are,

20:58

are the people who are literally doing these terrible things.

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And even when studies do come out about why these things are problematic and like why,

21:10

billionaires have a far lower degree of empathy and they

21:12

have a lot of narcissistic and sociopathic traits because

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there are studies about that it gets suppressed

21:19

to a large extent they suppress the information that would

21:22

make them look bad and they inflate the

21:25

information that causes people to defend them like the amount of poor

21:27

people that are willing to defend billionaires fucking insane

21:31

saying because even a millionaire closer

21:34

to being homeless than they are to being a billionaire you will

21:37

never become a billionaire like anyone listening to this that's like oh

21:40

like billionaires earn their money and they're doing it because you think you

21:43

might become one you're never gonna fucking be a billionaire like get real honestly

21:47

you're never gonna be one and if you were one you'd become a shitty person just

21:51

like that full stop and i'm sorry for people who have like billionaires that

21:54

they're kind of like cheerleading and fans of like taylor swift or whatever but like.

21:58

I like her music. Still a fucking billionaire. Still hoarding resources while other people suffer.

22:03

She knows how much power she has. She knows how if she made one post about a

22:07

significant social issue that it could make a huge difference.

22:10

And that it could cause waves of activism that would lead to real change.

22:15

But she's not going to do it because it would take away some of the benefit

22:18

that she's receiving from society. Still love her music.

22:22

Still think that she sometimes has good stuff to say. But I think that she lacks

22:25

intersectionality in her feminism and other stuff.

22:29

And I think that she chooses the safe issues to talk about and to push on her

22:34

platforms so that she can just look just woke enough where people are like, wow, what a good person.

22:39

But she's never crossing the line where she's going to effectively alienate

22:43

the other people in the rich people club that she's a part of to the point where

22:47

they want to ruin her or kick her out of it, which is why she avoids certain types of issues.

22:53

You'll notice that she very infrequently talks about racialized issues at all.

22:58

She's in fact had a lot of fights with Black creators and Black women and has

23:05

a very white feminist approach. And I know I have a lot of Taylor Swift fans who listen to my stuff. so

23:10

what I want to clarify is you can still like her music but like

23:13

this entire notion that in order to like someone's talent

23:16

as a creator or musician or whatever that you

23:20

have to support everything they do and not be critical of aspects

23:23

of their humanity is stupid you shouldn't need to

23:26

just drink the kool-aid to the point where if it's like you like someone's music

23:28

and you like what they put out that you're not looking at other aspects of

23:31

who they are as a person with a critical lens and recognizing

23:34

the fact that when people do get that rich that they're not

23:37

like you were i they are a corporate

23:40

pawn to an extent and we are all well we are their pawns as well they know how

23:46

to manipulate the market to their advantage and no matter how much they try

23:50

to come across as being just like us they aren't they're doing it because it's

23:54

profitable and it makes us feel seen and heard and it makes us idolize them

23:58

and put them on a pedestal that makes them more more money.

24:02

She's not the only one like that. And I know that. And again, I still like her music.

24:06

I've been a fan of Taylor Swift for a long time, but there's just no way around

24:09

the fact that like people like that are not like the everyday person and that

24:13

they are profiting to the tune of millions and billions of dollars at the expense

24:19

of the many. And there's no way around that.

24:22

So it's just something that we have to get more honest with ourselves about.

24:25

And in my spiritual awakening, I have gotten far more

24:28

critical of people that I wouldn't blindly defended in the the past because

24:31

I recognize that they aren't like me and they never

24:34

will be and I never will be like them that we are fundamentally different

24:37

and when they pretend that they are at my level or they understand the

24:41

struggles of people like myself or people who are having

24:44

an even harder time they're doing it to pander

24:47

to that population of people for their own benefit rather

24:51

than what's doing what's actually right and like

24:53

again like there's people like that you make lots of money and

24:56

then look at their employees big bonuses and stuff but the other thing

24:59

to note with stuff like that is like yeah they're doing charitable donations

25:02

and big bonuses but go look up what percentage of

25:05

their income that is like genuinely because it's the equivalent to me putting

25:09

a toonie in like a donation jar at like grocery store or whatever or donating

25:15

like five dollars to a charity it's not very much it sounds like a lot to the

25:19

everyday person because it'll be to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars or millions etc but.

25:25

Relative to their income it's not very much so i

25:28

don't really understand why we get so impressed by that stuff when it's

25:31

like we are literally doing that ourselves largely when you

25:34

factor in our income it just doesn't sound as impressive to be like hey

25:37

i donated five dollars this week when you're not making as much money as they

25:41

are the volume of money they donate sounds effectively more impressive because

25:45

they're making that much more than all of us and the human brain has a very

25:49

hard time comprehending how much more than a million dollars a billion dollars

25:53

is but this this has gone on to like an anti-capitalist tangent again.

25:57

So I'm going to get back on course and just talk more about this because this

26:00

is all just very important. The reason why I'm bringing up capitalism and the hoarding of wealth and stuff

26:05

is because those people are lacking their own spirituality.

26:09

And by spirituality, I'm not really referencing like religion and like organized

26:13

religion or organized mindsets like that.

26:16

I'm talking about like the interconnectivity of the world, being able to connect

26:20

with other people, being able to connect with nature, being aware of what's going on around you, you being empathetic to

26:25

people who are struggling around you being aware of where

26:28

there are problems in society that need addressed and being

26:31

aware of the extent of sadness and hardship

26:35

that we are currently enabling in the world and actively contributing to and

26:40

by we i mean the universal we like a lot of us are so long for the ride because

26:43

again we're not fucking billionaires we're not pulling the puppet strings of

26:47

society so we're just along for the ride but our world is enabling all of these terrible things.

26:53

And I think it's because people are devoid of a certain level of spirituality

26:56

and interconnectivity and awareness of the environment.

26:59

And they have lost parts of themselves in the process.

27:02

And they've been trying to fill those parts of themselves with material goods and money.

27:06

And it's never going to happen because it's not actually addressing what is

27:10

causing that void inside of them. So I used to value materialistic things more.

27:16

And that's how how I went about trying to create perceived value for myself.

27:20

And that's also why I was doing things that I thought would make me popular

27:23

amongst other people and why aspects of who I was as a person were heavily influenced

27:30

by what was currently popular fashion wise or socially,

27:33

what the popular music was, what the current trends were, what other people seem to like.

27:38

And it was a very like capitalistic mindset that was driving who I was as a

27:42

person. And I was trying to appease what those societal pressures were telling

27:47

me to do by altering parts of myself.

27:50

And now that I've stopped doing that, I've become a lot more hypercritical of

27:53

the way that we run society and the way that we function,

27:56

because a lot of it is about attacking the layperson and protecting the people

28:02

who are actually causing the most unrest and problems in the world.

28:06

A lot of people will target the everyday individual and be like,

28:10

oh, well, what are you doing to stop climate change? You use plastic garbage bags.

28:14

But then they fail to look at the billion dollar corporations who are funding

28:18

the creation of those plastic garbage bags and creating the most.

28:23

Problems that are impacting our climate like 70 of

28:26

the emissions that we're struggling with that are destroying the world

28:29

right now are created by billion dollar corporations and

28:32

it's like a select few corporations right like it's not the everyday person

28:36

so even if every single person on this planet who is not a billionaire did their

28:41

part it still wouldn't be enough but we've been trained to point fingers at

28:46

each other and do a lot of infighting because it protects the people who are

28:50

actually causing the problems. It protects those very people from actually being criticized to the point that

28:57

they should be if we're all fighting amongst each other. So it's beneficial to them and they're going to encourage it with their media

29:02

and with these incentives that they create, such as the carbon footprint,

29:05

which was created by oil and gas companies to basically put blame on the everyday

29:10

person and take it off of themselves so that everyone starts pointing fingers

29:13

at each other and be like, what's your carbon footprint? Are you doing your part? Instead Instead of being like, these fucking gas companies

29:19

are fucking up everyone's day, getting away with it. They're getting away with literal murder.

29:23

And it is tactical. It is decisive. And it is intentional.

29:30

So that's an important aspect of what I'm going to go into in a second.

29:34

Because there's this framework in society that's created to effectively brainwash

29:40

all of us and manipulate all of us into being consumer-minded people.

29:45

Like for example a lot of these billion dollar corporations

29:48

quite literally hire the best of the

29:51

best of neuroscientists and people who

29:54

are behavioral psychologists to help them create ads and marketing campaigns

29:58

that are most likely to create diehard brand supporters and get us to buy in

30:06

on whatever it is that they want us to they hire the best of the best in the

30:10

field to manipulate manipulate and brainwash us.

30:12

And that's something that upon learning that it made me a lot more critical

30:17

of what was going on, because we all fall for it.

30:20

Like, that's the thing is we all fall for it to a degree, because that is literally what it is made to do.

30:25

And the less aware you are of like, how deep it goes in terms of the type of

30:30

manipulation and brainwashing and brand campaigning that is going on,

30:33

the harder it is to become aware of it.

30:36

But when you do learn more about it, But you're like, holy shit.

30:38

And then you look at things through a more critical lens.

30:41

And like similarly ish to that is for me, once I got my ADHD diagnosis and I

30:47

fundamentally started to learn about why my brain works differently,

30:50

it became a lot easier to understand aspects of myself that I previously shut

30:53

down, ignored and was ashamed of. And then that really started to change who I was as a person.

30:59

So the amount of change that I've gone through over the last like five or six

31:02

years has been substantial compared to years prior.

31:05

And I do think part of that is also age related because through your early 20s

31:09

to late 20s, there's a lot of changes that are happening.

31:12

And even anyone who's listening to this now that is like 21 to like 25 and is

31:17

like, yeah, right, I'm not going to change very much. I had the same fucking attitude.

31:20

Now I'm like, oh my God, like 21 year old me would be like, ah,

31:23

what the heck? What a hippie, dippy, like socialist, communist bitch.

31:29

And now I'm like, yeah, yeah, fuck yeah. Keep complimenting me, man.

31:35

And yeah, lots of changes that I've had happen are things that I definitely

31:38

thought in my head that I would never have happened to me.

31:41

And like, I didn't think I would deep dive this hard into positive reinforcement

31:44

and clicker training with horses, but then it happened.

31:47

And I just started to have all these fundamental changes that the more I learned

31:52

parts of it myself, the more I unfolded into the direction that I was supposed to go in.

31:57

And that's like the start of my spiritual awakening was learning more about

32:01

myself and then being able to be more authentic towards myself as a result.

32:05

And then starting to practice doing so shame free and also get more confident

32:11

in maintaining those aspects of myself and what felt right for me.

32:16

Even in the absence of support of others.

32:19

And that is the scariest part of the spiritual awakening

32:22

journey is committing to who you are

32:25

and what you believe in and what feels

32:28

right for you even if it loses you friends even if

32:31

people shit talk you online even if people bully

32:34

you in the comment section even if you get yelled at

32:36

by people even if you're put in situations where you're

32:40

just getting absolutely torn apart by even

32:43

in a public crowd you know like putting yourself in

32:46

a situation where you you maintain your authenticity

32:50

even when it is not comfortable to do so and

32:53

that is the hardest part of all of this and that

32:56

is where a lot of people give up and then go back to what feels comfortable

33:00

in the moment which is just kind of appeasing people around you and being who

33:06

you think they want you to be and kind of silencing yourself and in the moment

33:10

it can feel more comfortable because you're you're not having to deal with like

33:12

as much outright criticism and.

33:16

Discontent but internally over

33:19

time you are selling out on who you are

33:22

as a person and it'll make you feel worse at least in my

33:24

experience because there's been a bunch of times now where I've

33:27

held my ground and honestly my voice has

33:30

been shaking internally I've been freaking out I've been having a lot of anxiety

33:34

but I do it anyways and in the moment it feels like absolute shit and I'm scared

33:40

but then afterwards it gives me strength that allows me to keep trucking along

33:43

long and maintaining that integrity in future moments and knowing that I have the strength to do so.

33:48

So the more you practice doing that type of thing, the more you learn that you're capable of doing it.

33:55

And the more you learn that you're going to survive those difficult moments

33:59

and that you have power and it makes you feel more empowered in yourself and

34:04

it makes it easier to continue doing that in the future and remaining authentic to yourself.

34:08

But it is very, very, very, very, very hard to

34:11

do in the beginning and you need to practice it but practicing

34:15

it requires committing to it and just doing it even when

34:18

it causes discomfort because it will cause discomfort you cannot

34:21

change who you are as a person and go through a massive

34:24

spiritual awakening while maintaining comfort you're

34:28

going to be uncomfortable but discomfort isn't always a

34:30

bad thing it's also the important thing to note is that that

34:33

discomfort largely is stemming from you going outside of

34:36

trained and conditioned behaviors that are not actually

34:39

who you are and starting to find

34:42

who you are and it feels uncomfortable and it feels foreign because you've

34:45

been depriving yourself of those parts of yourself and you've been

34:48

shutting them down and suppressing them so when

34:50

you stop suppressing them it's going to be uncomfortable because also people

34:54

who have grown to know the suppressed version of yourself when you start to

34:58

come out of that shell and be more honest about who you are they're going to

35:02

think that it's not you because they don't know what your unmasked self looks

35:06

like because you've been perpetually masking gig.

35:08

And then when you take that mask off, they're like, who is this person?

35:12

And people who have never actually been there for who you are might leave, just to be honest.

35:17

They might leave. People who liked the fake version of yourself and don't actually

35:21

like who you are as a person are very likely to leave and no longer be in your life.

35:26

But are those the people you want in your life? You know, like the real friends,

35:29

the real ones who are here to be with you through all of the new versions of

35:33

yourself throughout life, because there's going to be many of them.

35:36

You're going to keep changing as you grow and age, and there's going to be many

35:40

different versions of yourself that these people are going to meet and love.

35:44

And the real ones will stick around for all of those versions of you.

35:48

So why hold out and why stagnate your

35:51

own growth for the people who only like the

35:54

fake versions of you who only like the versions of yourself

35:57

that enable their toxic behavior and who

36:00

are essentially about people pleasing

36:03

people like themselves to the detriment of your own well-being

36:06

why why want those people around because sure you might have developed friendships

36:11

with them over time but it's like a watered down kind of fake friendship where

36:15

they're actually friends with a fake version of yourself where their friendship

36:19

is reliant on you masking and

36:21

hiding parts of yourself to be friends with them. And it's not very fun.

36:24

So anyways, during this process, I've lost friends.

36:27

And a lot of it has stemmed from when I've stopped people pleasing.

36:31

And when I've told people like, hey, that's not okay, when they do something

36:34

that's offensive to me or other people, or that's toxic, or that's harmful to

36:38

friends, or that lacks empathy. And I've started calling those things out, because I've decided I'm no longer

36:44

going to enable and stand for this type of behavior, because it makes me uncomfortable.

36:47

And it's not fair. And it's not nice. i've lost friends for

36:51

having the audacity to say things like hey like even if we're gonna go out and

36:55

drink and party like we have to care enough about our friends not to leave them

36:58

shit ass drunk in a position where they could choke on their own vomit and no

37:02

one cares enough about them to actually watch them ruin their night i actually

37:06

got kicked out of a friend group for literally saying just that and.

37:10

It sucked and it was sad. And I was like, wow, I thought these people liked

37:13

me more than that. And I thought that we were real friends.

37:16

But upon doing that, I realized, no, they like what they get to do in the crowd.

37:20

They like being able to party and do these things. They don't actually like

37:24

the actual people. books. If they actually did like the actual people,

37:27

they wouldn't put them at risk of getting alcohol poisoning and dying and just

37:31

fuck off and go do whatever they want. They wouldn't do that.

37:34

And if they actually did like these people, they would have deeper connections

37:37

and relationships that go far beyond just partying together and drinking and

37:41

doing things that are fun in the moment. They'd actually get to know their friends.

37:44

And what I noticed, the more I started to change is that a lot of my friends

37:48

didn't actually know me. None of them asked about how I was doing when when I was going through a hard time.

37:53

And a lot of them knew that like my family was going through a hard time,

37:56

but they didn't care because it would harsh their mellow and it would ruin their

37:59

fun time at these parties. They didn't want to talk about any of the real shit. They didn't actually want

38:04

to get to know each other. It was all about what was fun and lighthearted and very service level and shallow.

38:10

So most of them didn't actually really know each other and they didn't care

38:14

to, they didn't want to get to know their friends who are struggling with trauma.

38:17

They didn't want to to talk to them about those parts themselves. They didn't want to offer support for them if it meant taking them out of these

38:23

lighthearted, shallow moments and having to engage with realism.

38:27

And even outside of friends, I've dated people like that too.

38:30

They didn't want to deal with the hard stuff. They don't want to be there to

38:33

support you when you're having a hard time. They don't want to have to be there by your side to be there for you during

38:39

difficult situations if it means like, oh, maybe you have to skip going out

38:44

with your friends on one Friday night like you You always fucking do.

38:47

And it's not the end of the world. No. They had such intense FOMO.

38:50

That the problem became the person who was struggling with trauma.

38:54

Rather than the problem being them having such intense FOMO.

38:57

And such a desire to do these stupid materialistic things.

39:00

On such a repeated basis. That they're willing to abandon people they claim

39:04

to love in the process. And.

39:07

As I started to notice all these things, it became very eye-opening to me.

39:11

And honestly, one of the final nails in the coffin for like having this complete

39:14

spiritual awakening was like my last relationship, which I've talked about enough

39:19

times that I'm not really going to go into full detail. But it ended badly enough and I was gaslit badly enough at the end that I kind

39:26

of had a moment where I was like, holy shit, this is fucked up.

39:29

I was like, why am I in relationships when like, sure,

39:33

there's some happy moments, but the moments where they utterly devastate me,

39:37

break my heart and really display how

39:40

little they actually care about me are so prevalent and pervasive and all encompassing

39:46

that it sours every single good moment we ever had because those good moments

39:51

were reliant on me appeasing them in a way that they could offer me those good moments.

39:57

As soon as I stopped doing what they wanted and

40:00

as soon as I stopped people policing or as soon as stuff got

40:03

even the least bit hard they would abandon me and I

40:05

was like why am I doing this because in order

40:08

to have these people treat me well and keep and like

40:11

have this relationship feel happy like I can never call them

40:14

out on toxic behavior I can never tell them when they've hurt

40:17

my feelings I can never do any of these things like why

40:20

the fuck am I with them I'd be happier by myself and after

40:23

that relationship i was like shit i am happy happier

40:26

by myself there's no man around to fuck up

40:29

my day right now you know like i can go about living

40:32

my life and enjoying things without worrying about some dickhead named kyle

40:36

coming along to fuck up my day by gaslighting the shit out of me when he decides

40:41

to be an asshole and i call him out on it then suddenly i'm the problem because

40:45

i'm calling out his behavior at face value and asking him to elevate to my level or fuck off.

40:49

And then I'm the bad guy. I'm the bitch. I'm the uptight girlfriend.

40:52

I'm all of these things. And.

40:55

Yeah, I finally had enough after that. And I was like, I can have way more fun

40:58

by myself. I enjoy hanging out with my dogs.

41:00

I enjoy hanging out with my horses. I enjoy hanging out with my friends when I get to see them.

41:05

But even when I don't, I enjoy hanging out by myself.

41:09

And I've also taken the snippers and cut the dead ends of a lot of friends who

41:14

were not giving me anything and who like some of these exes.

41:18

In order to actually maintain that friendship and not have it be constantly tumultuous,

41:23

I had to never call them out on stuff that they

41:26

did that was toxic I couldn't say when they were being selfish or

41:29

when they did something that was not cool or that

41:31

offended me or when they were saying really bigoted things I couldn't say any

41:36

of those things because those people were not looking to grow so I had to leave

41:39

them behind and cut the dead ends because I want to grow I don't want to put

41:42

my energy into dead ends that are just festering and spreading disease amongst

41:46

amongst my life in like in a figurative sense.

41:49

So in cutting them, it allowed for me to grow more.

41:53

And also like even on my own socials, cutting the dead ends is just being more

41:58

quick to block people who are being fucking annoying and who are saying really

42:01

out of pocket shit and pissing me off and just making my day worse.

42:05

I don't need to give them my energy. They can go be annoying somewhere else.

42:09

They're not entitled to my time. They're not entitled to my page. And it's not about creating an echo chamber,

42:14

because I do think different opinions are important. And I allow for different opinions amongst my friends, amongst my partners,

42:20

amongst people on my online platforms.

42:22

But if they're putting their differing opinions out there by insulting my intelligence,

42:27

degrading me as a person, and being like a racist, homophobic,

42:31

transphobic piece of shit, then they don't deserve to have an opinion.

42:35

I don't need to offer people a platform for being toxic people who at their

42:40

core can only share their opinion by degrading the humanity of someone else.

42:45

And that was part of my spiritual awakening is just finally hitting the point

42:48

where I'm like, I've had enough. Fuck this.

42:51

I've had enough with these people who are literally draining the life out of

42:54

me and making me less healthy physically and emotionally because they are just

42:58

such a fucking burden because I have to sell out parts of myself in order to keep them around.

43:03

And I'm tired of that. I'd rather be alone in my life with my animals and with

43:08

the people who actually deserve my time and who actually reciprocate and who

43:12

actually see me and love me as a person.

43:14

I'd rather be alone than getting some watered down version of platonic or romantic

43:19

love that is contingent on me selling out aspects of myself,

43:23

hiding parts of myself and enabling parts of them that I think are toxic and

43:28

damaging to the relationship. Because also like for me with my friends and any

43:32

partners that i have ever had i don't want to be causing

43:35

them harm if i'm doing something that's making them

43:38

feel shitty and that is making them feel not seen and not

43:41

heard i care about that and i want to know and

43:44

if they tell me that instead of getting fucking defensive and making

43:47

them out to be the problem i do my best to listen and

43:50

then change to rise to the

43:53

occasion and be the type of person they want to they need to

43:56

have because i I love them and I don't want to let down someone I

43:59

love and I don't want our relationship to be contingent on

44:02

them having to feel unheard unseen and otherwise

44:05

shitty about being part of that relationship in order

44:08

to appease me and that's the way it should be that's the way healthy relationships

44:12

are is that you can call each other out on shit you can tell each other when

44:15

they're being toxic and you both learn and grow from it like in my opinion someone

44:20

actually isn't really a real friend if they're not going to call you out on

44:24

your shitty behavior because that's how how you grow.

44:27

Friends should be invested in the growth of one another.

44:29

They should be invested in helping each other become better people.

44:32

And if they're not, then they're not really your friend because being a friend

44:36

during all the easy times and just like. Only being around when someone's being good and never having to call them out

44:42

on the hard things or do the hard conversations, that's the easiest thing to do.

44:45

But the real deal good friends are the ones who call you out on your shit and

44:49

who you can call out on their shit without it damaging the friendship.

44:53

And even if you need a break from each other, even if the conversations don't

44:56

always go perfectly, you can always come back together and actually have these

45:00

discussions and have it be a safe place for there to be discourse and disagreement.

45:04

Agreement and for you to be like hey your behavior here is bothering

45:07

me without it putting at risk your connection

45:09

with each other and as I have started to become more

45:12

critical of who I have chosen to put my time into I

45:15

have recognized that a lot of the relationships that

45:18

I've had over the years are reliant on

45:21

me never challenging them and never calling out shitty

45:25

behavior and never having difficult discussions because if I

45:28

do they effectively show me that that puts our connection at risk and that our

45:33

connection is reliant on a certain level of enablement in order for them to

45:37

stick around and that is pretty fucked up but then on the flip side anytime

45:40

i did something that bothered them even if what bothered them was literally

45:44

me being like hey you burned my feelings, that was a problem that was a problem like they would make it out to be such

45:53

a big issue where i had to alter my behavior and rise to the occasion for them

45:57

but it was never reciprocated on my regard.

45:59

And a lot of the times the problems that they had come up would be when I would

46:03

push back against their behavior, then that was a problem.

46:07

So I learned and I cut ties with people accordingly.

46:10

And I realized that there were certain things that I just wasn't going to put up with anymore.

46:16

And then that has really started to change my life. And like,

46:18

this is starting to speed up over like the winter into spring.

46:22

And now like this summer and this spring, I think are going going to be huge

46:25

moving forward sectors of my life because.

46:29

Starting to become more intentional about developing the life I want and like

46:32

manifesting the life I want. I'm doing a lot more self-care stuff like journaling, reaching out to friends,

46:37

talking to friends, joining different types of activities and hobbies so that

46:41

I'm spending my time doing stuff that's also away from work.

46:44

Like I'm doing kickboxing now, which is good for cross training.

46:47

I'm going and doing circle time with different

46:50

like women and being able to talk about what we're going through

46:53

in life and just having more connections that way so that I'm not having to

46:56

handle any hardships on my own i started to get

46:59

way more involved and invested in astrology and

47:02

like spirituality which people can be like that's fucking bullshit but it's.

47:05

Like you know like if i ran up to like anyone in a

47:08

religious group was like that's fucking bullshit fuck you completely unsolicited

47:12

it would be a problem and yet people like doing that with

47:15

like more cringe types of spirituality like people who

47:18

are super into astrology because they think it's stupid even though there

47:20

actually is scientific merit to it just saying there's

47:24

more scientific merit and evidence of the validity of

47:27

it than there is in a lot of mainstream religions so again

47:30

just saying like like we already know the moon

47:33

controls the tides and stuff and then people are like oh you're so stupid

47:36

for saying the moon changes people's behavior despite all

47:39

the stuff showing up full moon actually does anyway so i've started

47:42

to delve more into that and people can think it's bullshit and i

47:44

don't care think i'm full of shit just don't fucking

47:47

tell me because it makes me happy and it's been helping my mental health

47:50

and it's harmless and i found that

47:53

to be really fun and I've gotten really into like learning more

47:56

about like witchy stuff and like just the entire like

48:00

I view it as more like nature-minded astrology like not

48:03

astrology nature-minded spirituality where you're

48:07

connecting the outer world with your inner world and just learning more about

48:10

the interconnectivity of everything because I do think for me I don't really

48:15

buy into any organized religion but I think that like spirituality and nature

48:18

and people are so so interconnected that if there was what I would view as a God.

48:24

It would be Mother Nature because she governs everything and everything around us.

48:29

And despite the fact that we're damaging nature in the world right now,

48:33

she's still there and she's still the overpowering entity of the world. Nature is scary.

48:40

We would succumb to nature right quick and she overpowers all of us.

48:44

We're utterly reliant on her no matter how much we screw things up.

48:47

So that's kind of where I've. Fallen into in terms of like believing in the bigger picture.

48:52

I don't necessarily believe in like a God or anything like that.

48:55

But I do believe in the interconnectivity of everything. I believe in the energy.

48:59

I believe in the reliance that we have on the natural world and how everything

49:04

at its core is interconnected, no matter how much people try to screw with that.

49:08

And that's really kind of led to a massive spiritual awakening and just starting

49:13

to appreciate nature more in ways that I hadn't before, spending time,

49:17

more time outside, going on more hikes and walks,

49:20

and just finding ways to connect with the natural world more than what I was

49:24

able to do in the past and just becoming more observant and aware of my surroundings.

49:28

And just also noticing the life and everything because like trees communicate

49:32

with each other. There's so much interconnectivity in the forest.

49:36

And they create a very synchronistic, connected lifestyle.

49:42

And the the more I've learned about that like even just from a

49:44

scientific standpoint the more fascinated I've become about just like

49:47

the degree of communication that occurs within living

49:50

entities that we don't really view as living

49:54

in the way that we should like people will happily cut down trees for

49:57

every little thing and this isn't to say that we shouldn't use wood as

50:00

a material but like trees are alive and we

50:03

don't see them as as

50:07

alive as like what we would see a human or another

50:09

other animal because they have a different means of communicating and interacting

50:13

with the environment so I've just

50:16

kind of started to learn more about that and be more appreciative about like

50:19

the degree of life that is around us and just be more conscious

50:22

of like how much energy there is in the environment and

50:25

how aware and alive all aspects of the world are at all points and what that's

50:31

really led me to is that like now I know that I do really want to like like

50:35

I already knew this but I really want to move out into nature and have like

50:39

my own property and have access to like really quiet, just like.

50:43

Natural wilderness that I can just go

50:46

and exist in because when I go and I screw off to like

50:48

the mountains and go to places that are not really human

50:52

populated and dominated I feel at peace I love being

50:55

around the big old growth forest I love being in

50:58

the mountains and I love getting to go to places that aren't crawling

51:01

with people because a lot of the places where I live now that

51:04

you can go to for parks and whatnot there's always lots of people

51:07

there generally speaking speaking but I like

51:10

just being out in nature and just like giving

51:13

my soul to nature and just being out where it's quiet because

51:16

that's where my brain goes quiet that's where I feel the most at peace

51:19

and the more I've done it the more I've realized it and now for a more fringe

51:24

discussion that some people are going to be like oh my god what the heck that

51:28

is so bad before we get into this I just want to say in Vancouver British Columbia

51:33

it is perfectly legal to buy magic of mushrooms for medicinal purposes.

51:38

So I do that, full disclosure, if you have a problem with that,

51:42

and it's not legal where you are, all the power to you to not do them yourselves.

51:46

But if you have a problem with me using them, and you no longer want to follow

51:50

me, then you should probably unfollow me. Because I've found a lot of benefit in them.

51:55

And also, if you look up the psychology studies on psychedelic use for spiritual

52:00

awakenings, and also just improving mental health,

52:02

there's actually a lot there not to mention gabor

52:05

mate all the time but as you can tell i'm a freaking huge fan of

52:08

him he's done a fair number of studies on the use

52:11

of psilocybin which is the active ingredient in magic

52:14

mushrooms that causes people to have psychedelic experiences and

52:17

he's also done trials on ayahuasca and has gone to

52:20

ayahuasca retreats himself and ayahuasca is like way more powerful

52:23

than like psilocybin like i've never done it

52:26

but massive freaking spiritual awakenings and

52:30

like huge trips that you have but he's found that

52:32

it has been super beneficial for people who are victims of

52:35

trauma and like helping them work through that trauma I would

52:38

never do something like that unless I was going to like an indigenous shaman

52:42

and getting them to like help me through the entire process I would

52:45

not want to do that myself I would not want to do it with other like people

52:49

that aren't like actually well-versed in the spiritual aspect of that but that's

52:54

what he did he went to like South America somewhere and did an ayahuasca retreat

52:58

and then he also brought it back here and did some studies on it before the

53:01

Canadian government shut him down. And yeah, there's there's a lot of benefit to it. So there actually is scientific

53:08

merit to the benefit of it. Like I'm not telling people to do it.

53:11

I'm just saying that if you look up the studies on it, there are like methods

53:15

of helping people work through trauma and mental health issues that aren't just

53:19

like mainstream big pharma prescription type help.

53:23

Help and they actually have validity and

53:27

they actually have value and psilocybin is one of those things there's also

53:31

been studies on lsd and how it has helped people work through trauma and i mean

53:35

it's within reason like you have to be in the right state of mind when you're

53:38

doing it i have had and i haven't talked to this online so i'm gonna just like share because whatever.

53:45

I've had a bad acid trip before the only time i ever did acid and it was not because of the acid

53:53

that I had a bad trip it was because I got

53:57

bullied by these 18 year old like just

54:01

freshly graduated children like the grad year

54:03

that the grad years from during COVID

54:06

like they all came to like the rural area

54:10

that I did acid with some friends and like

54:12

we were the only one there until these fuckers showed up and they

54:15

all just like pulled in and like like

54:18

literally like so many trucks all these kids

54:21

and their parents lifted trucks just driving into like the

54:24

rural kootenai mountains of british columbia

54:27

outside of cranbrook like hundreds of them i like i the best exist like the

54:32

best reference that i can use to paint a picture of what this was like is they

54:35

fucking built this like burning man style fire and there's just like hundreds

54:40

of them they were everywhere and they were being so loud and they were also

54:43

like little shits who were like trying Trying to fight us.

54:46

Like not the girls. But like the boys were trying to fight the guys.

54:49

For no reason. Like we were minding our own fucking business. Having our own fire.

54:53

And they just like kept coming over. And they were trying to fight us.

54:56

I had just gotten my truck at this point. And they were like threatening to slash my tires and shit. And it was a bad

55:01

time. And then also like. They were being really loud and disruptive. And like my dog was getting massive anxiety from it.

55:08

And I can already like feel the energy of like anxiety, like around the people

55:12

and animals around me, like when I'm sober, but when I was on acid,

55:15

it was like, to an insane extent.

55:17

So I started having like a panic attack. So I was so worried about my dog.

55:21

And I knew that she was freaking out that I was freaking out and it wasn't a good time.

55:24

But that was an environmental issue rather than an issue of the drug,

55:28

but the drug just brought that out. Prior to all the shitheads showing up and trying to ruin

55:33

my day it was great because I was just like floating on a

55:36

lake in a tube in the sun and there was painted turtles swimming from

55:39

underneath of me and it was just so beautiful and I was like wow like

55:42

the world is so beautiful and amazing and then children came

55:45

and threatened to slash my tires and I was like well fuck so I haven't

55:47

done that since then I probably would again if I'm being

55:50

honest but like I've had way better luck on

55:53

mushrooms because it's like less of a commitment like acid you're fucking

55:56

buckling in for like a 12-hour trip whereas shrooms is

55:59

like six and so i've had

56:02

some really nice experiences on shrooms and honestly as someone with

56:04

adhd what i've found that is the most beneficial about doing these

56:07

types of psychedelic drugs is that it is it takes you and puts you directly

56:13

in the moment like if you're someone whose brain tends to wander and think about

56:16

a lot of different things like it inserts you directly in the moment you become

56:21

hyper aware of everything around you and like the interconnectivity of everything.

56:25

And like being out in nature is really beautiful. Like I would never do these

56:29

things in a city because it would be way too overstimulating for me.

56:32

And I already don't like cities in general, typically.

56:35

So always in nature, but it just inserts you directly in nature.

56:38

And it's just like a very spiritual and lovely experience.

56:42

And you get put in the moment in a way like, like I'm in my most like meditative states.

56:48

Ever that I've ever been in when I'm doing these types of

56:50

drugs and like it also helps me

56:53

go into that state afterwards so like after doing it

56:56

it's like I'm more observant and aware of nature and it just changes the

56:59

way I feel about things and it just opens your mind to like make

57:02

you think a little bit differently and I found that that has really kind

57:05

of helped me make peace with a lot of different aspects of my life and

57:08

also processing trauma and things and stuff that used

57:11

to bother me like another example is that

57:13

like when I was on acid that's like one of the only times in my

57:16

my life that I have not been afraid of bugs because I was just laying in

57:19

the grass and I could see all of these ants just walking through

57:22

the grass and I started to just be overtaken by the realization that

57:25

these ants like have their own civilization they're living their own

57:28

completely separate life that like none of us even think

57:30

of typically and that they

57:33

like yeah that they're moving through the environment like the grass blades

57:36

are like their skyscrapers in like their city and they all live in like this

57:40

community and yeah like and I had like ants crawling on me on my back and I

57:45

was like not afraid of them but usually that stuff would freak me the fuck out

57:48

because I hate the feeling of bugs crawling on me so it actually made me less afraid of bugs.

57:54

And then like I've done

57:57

shrooms the most so more recently like I did it just this past weekend when

58:00

I went on a hike and it was honestly fucking unreal like I was like looking

58:04

at all the trees and all the patterns in the bark and it made me feel really

58:07

connected with like the ancestors of of the past and just like thinking about how all the energy,

58:14

like energy is neither created nor destroyed.

58:16

So like the energy of people who we've lost is probably always around us in the air.

58:21

I could listen and feel like the trees breeze, like whispering to me.

58:25

And I was way more in tune with the environment than what I might be when I'm,

58:29

busy and thinking about work and stuff and I

58:32

was frolicking in the woods and looking at all the trees and

58:35

thinking about how beautiful the area of the world I live in is

58:38

and getting to go on an adventure and it

58:41

was really really special and I got to like I just you notice so much more stuff

58:46

like they're like the world becomes art which it always is but we get so just

58:52

like disconnected from it we get so distracted by other things that we forget

58:56

how beautiful our natural world is and And how it's just like living and breathing art.

59:01

And just like how interconnected everything is. And how many things are going on.

59:06

Like the forest is always speaking to you. And I don't mean that in like I'm

59:09

a trip and ball sense. And it's literally saying shit to me. No.

59:12

The forest is always communicating. And it's always alive.

59:15

Like even when I'm completely not on any drugs.

59:18

And I'm walking through the forest. I always feel like I'm being watched. Because I am.

59:22

Be it by the trees or birds or coyotes or bears or cougars or whatever.

59:28

Like you're always being watched by something there's always something there

59:31

there's always something around we are never alone in that natural environment

59:34

and anyways that was a really potent experience that I've had that has kind

59:40

of just further unpacked like the direction that I want to head in with my life

59:43

and I'm going to make way more of an effort to go and walk more in.

59:47

Nature and to go on more hikes and to do more road trips and to just explore

59:52

the world more especially within my province and within the pacific northwest

59:55

like closer by to me like Like even if I cross the border and go into Washington and Oregon,

1:00:00

because it makes me happy and I'm going to prioritize that more because that stuff is important.

1:00:04

And it's something that I haven't done enough. I want to do more of that and

1:00:09

just explore the world and put myself out in nature and just do these things,

1:00:14

whether it's by myself or with other people.

1:00:16

Like I'll do it alone now. And that's not something I would have probably done

1:00:19

in the past is going alone and doing stuff like that.

1:00:22

It's something that I intend to do this year and just get more independent and

1:00:26

just make more opportunities for myself to go out and enjoy the world and just

1:00:29

like have a good time and really appreciate the natural beauty of the area that

1:00:34

I live in because it is so beautiful in the Pacific Northwest.

1:00:36

West and like in having all these experiences again like i already really knew

1:00:41

that i loved british columbia and that it was like the place for me but like

1:00:44

i've kind of further just been like yeah like i need to stay in the pacific

1:00:47

northwest or close to it and like be near the mountains and the forest because

1:00:52

it is like it's my place it's where i feel i belong it's where.

1:00:56

I'm super happy i love the environment here and

1:01:00

as much as i complain about like the rain and stuff like I

1:01:02

just I do really really really love it here and so

1:01:05

long term my goal and my drive is going to be to find

1:01:09

somewhere in BC that I can afford to live and just

1:01:12

get to enjoy being out in the mountains in

1:01:15

the forest and just hopefully live somewhere near crown

1:01:18

land where I can just really have access

1:01:21

to lots of wilderness to go hiking on and exploring and

1:01:24

just really enjoy my life and be immersed in nature and build

1:01:27

the best type of living situation possible for

1:01:30

my horses and other animals and make it like a little

1:01:33

bit of a sanctuary and I'm also completely content with

1:01:36

the idea even if I had to do that alone and I never got

1:01:40

into a long-term relationship or anything like I can

1:01:43

live with it because like my animals are the most important thing to me and

1:01:46

what I've also learned is that like my animals have been there for all these

1:01:50

years and they've been a constant that I've always had lots of people have come

1:01:53

in and out of my life over the years but like my animals have earned the right

1:01:57

to be there constantly like Phoebe sleeps in my my bed with me Phoebe's my dog

1:02:01

and I've thought about it and I'm like you know like she's earned.

1:02:05

And like I've had people I've dated in the past that don't want her

1:02:08

sleeping in the bed but I'm like you know what no and not anymore if a guy says

1:02:12

that I'm like okay fuck you you can go sleep in the dog bed she's earned the

1:02:15

spot you haven't you're still earning your role in my life and she has more

1:02:20

than earned her spot you have not so if you're gonna try to kick her out when

1:02:24

she has done done more for me than you have and probably ever will.

1:02:29

I'll just pull out a cot or a dog bed for them and be like, okay,

1:02:32

you don't want to share the benefit. That's totally fine. Sleep on this dog bed.

1:02:35

And I'm dead ass going to do that if it comes down to that. Because it's like,

1:02:40

no, the audacity. You can't tell me what to do with my life and my dog.

1:02:43

And especially when it's my bed. Like, if it's their house, I understand that

1:02:46

not everyone wants dogs on furniture. Still don't love that. Would be a little bit of a red flag for me long term

1:02:51

with what I want relationship wise. Because like, dog's world, their worlds are already small enough.

1:02:57

And same with cats. And it's like, I don't really like to make them smaller.

1:02:59

So like, they're allowed to use the house like people would.

1:03:03

So yeah but I've had like a lot of shifts in the way of thinking and even choosing to share,

1:03:10

about these trips with you guys is like a shift that

1:03:13

I've had something that I've largely kept to myself because I know that people judge

1:03:16

for stuff like that but it's honestly like ultimately I don't care I

1:03:20

know I'm a responsible person and I know how to take care of

1:03:22

myself and I also know that like I can make my

1:03:25

own choices and other people can make their own choices they don't have

1:03:28

have to like every choice I make but it's also not their

1:03:31

job to try to dictate what I can do based off of their own personal

1:03:34

beliefs with what's okay they get to choose the people they surround

1:03:36

themselves with and if anyone had a problem with like what I choose to

1:03:39

do in my free time they don't have to hang out with me I don't

1:03:42

have to be the type of person that they need to surround themselves with and the other thing

1:03:45

is like I would never force anyone to do these types

1:03:48

of things with me if they were uncomfortable with it it's something you have

1:03:51

to really want to do and it's something that like I haven't done honestly that

1:03:56

many times like I've not done psychedelics that often and usually it's like

1:03:59

really intermittently and spaced out based on like what feels right or so and

1:04:05

like the nice weather in the winter it would kind of suck.

1:04:08

Especially just for being outside because you get cold. But yeah,

1:04:11

I just do what feels right. And I've learned a lot from it. And it's made me feel way more comfortable with myself.

1:04:16

It kind of helped me solidify what's important to me and what's important in life.

1:04:21

And it's also helped me kind of process trauma that when I'm immersed in my

1:04:26

everyday life and feel like I'm busy with whatever is going on that I can't do.

1:04:30

I can't process it in the same way. It gives me the time and space to just think

1:04:34

about some things that I've kind of buried and come to terms with them and come

1:04:38

to terms with the amount of loss that I've had and the amount of trauma that

1:04:42

I've had throughout my childhood. And it's been really beneficial for that. So that's been an aspect of my spiritual

1:04:46

awakening that has been helpful. It hasn't been like the primary factor that has resulted in the change of like

1:04:52

who I am as a person. There's been like, it's been a lot of lessons that I've learned from people.

1:04:56

And I think the last thing we'll go into is that because of the lessons that I've been taught,

1:05:01

like it's made me believe a lot more in like

1:05:03

the synchronicity of the universe and like being offered lessons

1:05:07

that will repeat until you learn them because because like

1:05:10

the universe has been like you fucking dumbass bitch I

1:05:13

keep sending you narcissists and you just keep falling for it

1:05:16

every time like when are you gonna learn and then like

1:05:19

she would just keep sending them to me because I wasn't learning anything

1:05:22

and now I think I finally dealt with like the final boss

1:05:25

of narcissism where if I did get sent another one

1:05:28

I would be able to curve them easier and I would see right through it and

1:05:31

like I'm less prioritizing being in a relationship because I'm not trying to

1:05:35

fill a void in myself by finding someone else to do it for me and I'm living

1:05:39

for myself more so I think I've finally learned so like hopefully she's done

1:05:42

sending that type of lesson because honestly like please please spare me um but.

1:05:49

I believe that we get sent, like we repeat lessons until we learn them.

1:05:53

And that's kind of something that has made me realize that, yeah,

1:05:56

there's a lot of stuff that I've repeatedly engaged with because I've allowed

1:05:59

it to happen. And I haven't learned how to set boundaries.

1:06:01

I haven't learned how to stop people pleasing until more recently.

1:06:05

So I've been met with these same types of issues and lessons time and time again.

1:06:11

And it's been with a lot of things. So like the more I've started to learn from

1:06:14

them and alter the way that I approach the the world, the less I've noticed

1:06:17

that I'm being sent these same problems.

1:06:19

So I do believe that to an extent that like, we're here to learn and you'll

1:06:23

repeat lessons until you've learned them.

1:06:25

And then once you've learned them, you'll create like an energetic shift in

1:06:29

your life that will result in new stuff being brought your way.

1:06:32

So I'm kind of doubling down into like the law of attraction more and trying

1:06:36

to manifest the types of stuff I want by changing my attitude and changing how I perceive the world.

1:06:41

And I've noticed a lot of stuff changing. And then also, So honestly,

1:06:44

since getting into astrology, you can laugh at me and call me an astrology girly all you want.

1:06:48

But the full moon, the full moon eclipse brought me some pretty fucking cool shit.

1:06:53

So like, you can't look me in the eye and tell me that it's just a coincidence

1:06:57

when it keeps happening that way. Like I've noticed that there's certain astrological events that have coincided

1:07:03

with some of the biggest opportunities and biggest losses that I've had in my life.

1:07:08

And yeah, so I've noticed that too. And I've just, I've just been noticing things more.

1:07:12

I've been noticing patterns I've been noticing synchronicities

1:07:15

I've been noticing what I'm attracting and what

1:07:18

I'm deflecting away from me more and I've just been becoming

1:07:21

more observant and curious about my life and curious about

1:07:24

the interconnectivity and stuff and it's resulted in me achieving a higher state

1:07:29

of peace and understanding of my life regardless of whether or not people think

1:07:33

my beliefs are full of shit because sure fuck they could be and if they are

1:07:36

I'm still happy you know like it's not hurting anyone it's made me happier it's

1:07:39

helped me come to terms with certain things in my life.

1:07:42

And it doesn't really matter to me whether or not it's like something that I'm just looking to create.

1:07:48

I'm just looking to connect to reality and looking for patterns that may or

1:07:52

may not be there. It doesn't really matter to me because it's making me happier nonetheless.

1:07:56

And that's really all that matters. So anyways, everyone has a different path

1:08:01

to their spiritual awakening. Everyone has different paths to what makes them feel their most authentic and happiest self.

1:08:07

Everyone has a different way of learning lessons in life and how many times

1:08:11

they need to repeat them before learning because if you're like me,

1:08:13

apparently you just need to almost exclusively date narcissists for for the

1:08:17

entirety of your fucking life before you realize that you're being stupid.

1:08:22

And some people need to learn the hard way more times than others.

1:08:25

Like, hands up, girls. I learn the hard way all the time, apparently.

1:08:29

Just me and my stupid little brain making excuses for shitty people.

1:08:33

But hopefully I'm done doing that. I intend to be. I'm just going to say, yeah, I am done doing that.

1:08:38

We're going to manifest the reality. We want people.

1:08:42

And yeah, so everyone has a different path to finding what works for them.

1:08:46

And everyone's path is different and everyone's strengths and

1:08:49

weaknesses are different and what works and resonates for

1:08:52

you it might be different than me maybe we'll have some

1:08:55

similarities maybe we won't I'm interested

1:08:58

in learning like other people's journey through these same types of things

1:09:00

and like what's helped you and whatnot because like I do

1:09:03

think that the self-care component is a huge one and self-care looks

1:09:06

different for everyone like getting hobbies that resonate

1:09:09

with you and that feel good is different for everyone some people might want

1:09:13

want to do like knitting or crocheting or going to the gym or like swimming

1:09:18

etc other people might want to do other things for me it's been going for more

1:09:22

hikes getting outside more spending more time with my horses and prioritizing more time with my horses.

1:09:28

Starting to do audiobooks because right now like reading was just too

1:09:31

hard for me and audiobooks allowed me to go out and do things that

1:09:34

I needed to do like driving or working with the horses and

1:09:37

still being able to listen to those things and have fun with them

1:09:40

and that was kind of like a happy medium I am

1:09:42

going to try to get into reading before bed now because I have some books

1:09:45

out and that's like the next habit that I want to check off my list and

1:09:48

also just reducing my screen time on my phone and whatnot which

1:09:51

is also why the hiking is good because it puts me way out into the wilderness

1:09:54

where I generally don't usually have service

1:09:57

and stuff and so there's a lot of benefits to that and just doing more things

1:10:02

like that and I like thrifting and I've gotten more freedom in choosing outfits

1:10:07

that I would be less typical to buy if they were brand new and I was paying

1:10:11

lots of money for them so it's allowed me to try new things and really figure out what.

1:10:15

What works for me and like what I like to wear and

1:10:18

what my style is and what makes me feel good good about myself so yeah

1:10:21

I've discovered all of these little things to just find my most authentic

1:10:24

self and do more self-care and find what makes me

1:10:27

happy and it's a never-ending process because it's never going

1:10:30

to change like I mean it's never-ending changes like

1:10:33

I'm always going to be finding new aspects of myself and I'm also going to be

1:10:36

letting go of aspects that I've outgrown and like now there might be things

1:10:38

that I do now that I really invest in that feel really good now that I might

1:10:42

grow out of later in life so you never know you're always going to be meeting

1:10:46

new new versions of yourself and welcoming those new versions and saying goodbye

1:10:49

to old versions, that's perfectly okay. So for anyone who's feeling a little lost right now, you can't find yourself before you get lost.

1:10:57

You know, you have to be lost for a while and you might not even realize how

1:11:00

long you've been lost for. But then once you do have that realization and you actually effectively feel

1:11:05

lost, that allows you to be found because you know you're lost.

1:11:08

If you don't think you're lost and you're not aware that you're lost and you're

1:11:11

still going about the motions thinking thinking that you're on the right path

1:11:14

without even realizing that you're going drastically off course.

1:11:17

You can never find that right path without finding out that you're on the wrong

1:11:21

path first and going through that situation where you feel abundantly lost and

1:11:24

unsure of where life is headed. So as much as it sucks to feel lost and confused about what's next,

1:11:30

it is part of the process of discovering where you're meant to be.

1:11:33

And it's not a bad thing. So if you feel lost right now, take that as actually

1:11:38

like a blessing that you're going to discover where you're meant to be in what feels good. And...

1:11:43

Where the most authentic life path for you to head actually is

1:11:47

you have to be lost first before you can be found so embrace the

1:11:50

feeling of not knowing and use that freedom to

1:11:53

figure out where the right paths to go are because trying new

1:11:56

things is not a bad thing and like for me letting go of like expectation and

1:12:01

like hard timelines and just like obsessing over when things will happen has

1:12:05

been super freeing and it's led to things happening faster actually because

1:12:09

i'm not obsessing of of how over how the path to get there is.

1:12:13

I just go like, I want this. I'm going to get this. It will happen.

1:12:17

And I don't know how it's going to happen yet, but it's going to.

1:12:20

And that has brought me a lot more freedom and flexibility.

1:12:24

And it's also made me feel like less bad about not necessarily getting to where

1:12:29

I want to go in the way that I think I do.

1:12:31

Because I've realized over the years, like there's been a lot of things that

1:12:34

I've wanted and I've not been sure how I'm going to get there, but I have.

1:12:38

And it's happened and it's unfolded. In ways that I wouldn't have predicted so I'm open to like things

1:12:43

happening however they should and there's still

1:12:46

things that I want desperately and that I want like as soon as possible

1:12:49

but I'm kind of letting go and just being like okay universe

1:12:52

hit me up take me the direction I'm supposed to go just like let things unfold

1:12:56

how they're supposed to and just believing that it will and that has brought

1:13:01

me a lot more peace and it has brought me also more opportunities in the process

1:13:05

I have some really cool things in the works can't share them right now we'll

1:13:08

I'll share them as soon as I can. I'm really, really excited.

1:13:11

I just got a huge opportunity over the last week.

1:13:15

And I'm so, so excited to share it with you guys once I'm able to.

1:13:19

And I'll keep you all posted. But all the best to people who are at a point

1:13:23

in their life where they feel lost, but it's normal to feel lost,

1:13:26

especially as you're growing up and figuring things out. And you will get found.

1:13:30

You will. Just have belief in yourself to be found and don't be afraid to try

1:13:34

new things and to try out new versions of yourself that you're trying on different

1:13:38

pairs of shoes until you find the one that fits perfect.

1:13:41

And when you outgrow that shoe, welcome getting a new one.

1:13:46

So I hope that this was cathartic for some people. If it wasn't,

1:13:50

it's still cathartic for me to talk about. And I like making these podcasts because they're freeing and fun for me.

1:13:58

And just enjoyable for me to share the process. And it's just a bonus if people like them.

1:14:03

And I always like hearing what resonates with people and what doesn't.

1:14:07

And yeah, it's just, it's special.

1:14:11

And I could talk more about some of the stuff that people are interested in

1:14:13

more specifics and going into more detail on some of these experiences that

1:14:17

I've had I'm happy to so feel free to like always request different

1:14:21

types of podcasts and topics because I don't really mind not having them always

1:14:25

be super horsey or not having to be horsey at all because like right now again

1:14:29

it's like I'm gonna do whatever I want era I'm gonna just do what feels good

1:14:33

and what feels right to me and I'm gonna produce the content that my heart feels good about and,

1:14:38

whether or not people want to listen to it and whether or not it speaks to them

1:14:41

is up to them And if it doesn't, they can take what they like,

1:14:44

and they can leave what they don't. And it's really that easy.

1:14:46

So thank you for listening to yet another episode of the Making Milestones podcast.

1:14:50

I hope you enjoyed this one. And if you're going through a hard time right now,

1:14:54

just know that you'll find yourself and it'll pass eventually.

1:14:58

And that people are with you that like my even though I don't know most of you

1:15:03

specifically that like my thoughts are with you and that I don't want anyone

1:15:06

to be having a hard time and anyone to be struggling. So.

1:15:11

Thank you all for listening and I hope that you have a great rest of the week

1:15:16

and that if you're struggling right now, that things ease up for you soon and

1:15:19

that you can find some joy and happiness in the little things of life.

1:15:22

And that's also what I'd recommend. If you're going through a really dark time,

1:15:25

look for the glimmers amongst your day-to-day life.

1:15:27

They can be something as simple as a flower outside your window blooming.

1:15:31

Like the other day, one of the crocuses bloomed and there was a bee getting

1:15:34

pollen and nectar from it. And I walked by and I got to see it and I'm like, wow, that is so colorful and beautiful.

1:15:40

Nature makes the most beauty and

1:15:43

people can't even do like

1:15:47

the faintest replica of how stunning this is or

1:15:50

it'll be like going outside at the perfect sunset or going

1:15:52

outside when the moon is full and beautiful and just getting to see it and going

1:15:56

wow that is absolutely stunning and it can be something as simple as that or

1:16:00

it can be as something as simple as like getting the perfect meal made and having

1:16:05

the greatest snack or having your dog welcome you in such a sweet way like just the little things

1:16:10

learn how to enjoy the little things amongst all the chaos and

1:16:13

hold on to those and just enjoy that process without

1:16:16

feeling so fixated on needing these big changes to happen

1:16:19

because the more little things you notice and the more happiness you

1:16:23

notice in the everyday life the more you will start to

1:16:26

realize how much beauty there is in life even amongst the chaos

1:16:29

and you'll start to be able to pick out the beautiful things more the more

1:16:31

you practice doing that I thought it was ridiculous at first

1:16:34

when people suggested that I thought it was like a little toxic positivity-esque but

1:16:38

it doesn't mean you can't recognize that things are still hard that you're going through

1:16:41

a hard time it's just noticing things that do make you happy amongst those

1:16:44

hardships because there will always be something no matter how big or small

1:16:48

so thank you for watching don't forget to check out the description of this

1:16:51

podcast if you're interested in ways of supporting my content or where else

1:16:54

you can find me online and as always thank you for listening and thank you for

1:16:58

your support and have a wonderful beautiful week and rest of your life and.

1:17:02

Enjoy yourself have a great day everybody.