0:02

This is a Global Player

0:04

original podcast. Be warned, it's

0:06

Luanna and this podcast contains honest,

0:08

upfront opinions of rants, pants and

0:10

general explicit content. But you know,

0:12

you love it. Good morning. Good

0:14

morning. Do you know what, girls?

0:16

We're in a good mood. Do

0:19

you know, girls? So morning, everyone, morning, Lufani.

0:22

I had a splendid weekend. A splendid one.

0:26

It's Lose This, A-Dubz, Imro.

0:30

Oh, God. And can I just say you're

0:32

going to be so annoyed? I'm just I'm in abbreviation

0:34

heaven today. I've just got an Instagram and call it

0:36

your blouse. Thanks, babe. Champo too. This is a little

0:39

little never fully dressed number. Champo too. Can I just

0:41

say, girls, I meant I was going to voicenote you

0:43

and I thought, no, I'll just say it. I'll just

0:45

say it face to face. There's a

0:47

long way over today. I am. I'm full of the

0:50

love today. I'm full of Luanna love, for the love

0:52

of Luanna. You

0:54

know, I say about my litmus test and

0:56

whether people should or shouldn't be in your

0:58

lives. Is that, you know, how you feel

1:00

about seeing them or whether they text you

1:02

if you go, ugh, and then

1:04

you like, yeah, don't bother replying or yeah. Yeah.

1:07

And it lights you up and you reply straight

1:09

away. That's my litmus test of people in your

1:11

life. This morning I was I got in the

1:13

car and I had a little wank. Not a

1:15

wank. I could I could have done over you

1:18

and those little nooks. But

1:20

I had a little moment of, oh,

1:22

I'm seeing my girls today. And

1:25

you know what? I thought from Andy morning,

1:27

how lucky. This is, I mean, get sick

1:29

buckets out, everyone. I thought, how nice and

1:31

see me, mate. So I was really looking

1:33

forward to a catch up and,

1:35

you know, say good morning girls. And it's

1:37

nice. But can I just say, guess

1:40

is back back again.

1:42

Louise is back. I walked in. She's

1:44

fucking back. I walked in there. She'll

1:47

be thank Christ for that. Yeah,

1:49

she's had meetings with my many stuff. She was

1:51

sitting at a table. I heard I'm parenting him.

1:54

Oh, yeah. We've got to talk about that. Well,

1:56

not. I'll

2:01

get angry. Oh, we've got to

2:03

talk about what happened to me though. That

2:05

day when you pulled me out of bed, puking

2:07

to do it. Oh, oh, forgot to pick that

2:09

up. No, let's just

2:11

say your litmus test is full. My litmus test

2:14

is full. She's back. She was having her meetings

2:16

straight away with all the faith. She's got

2:19

makeup on. You can tell Dr. Leah's been

2:21

stabbing her in the face with every injection

2:23

going. I literally had everything. I

2:25

can tell. I had profilo

2:27

botox and then she went babes, because I've not seen

2:29

her before. She looks like she's had cling film over

2:31

her face and then yanked up by the ears. And

2:36

then she went to me, where you've lost

2:38

weight, you've hollowed out around her eyes. Next

2:40

thing, stab! She puts filler in my temples.

2:42

She doesn't really, obviously, look, we've been best

2:44

friends for, well, God knows how many years

2:46

now. Oh, she loves you 23rd and 11

2:48

years. The good egg. Oh,

2:51

I love Leah. She prides on my wedding

2:53

night. We're very... What's she doing? Yeah, yeah,

2:55

she prides on me. I didn't try to

2:57

do that. And then, so she just sort

2:59

of does things to me. And I just

3:01

let her. Next thing, I've got filler being

3:03

put in my temples, because my face is

3:05

too hollow from losing weight, apparently. It

3:07

fucking didn't hurt at the time. The

3:10

next three days, I could only open my

3:12

mouth this far. I

3:15

went to her cis normal. I can't open my fucking

3:17

mouth. It's killing me. She went, oh,

3:19

you'll be fine in a week. Anyway, I am now fine.

3:21

And I look really good. You do look great. I

3:24

can concur, because obviously you referred me to Dr. Villa.

3:27

She's the best, you know. Well, I've never had profilo

3:29

done before. And I thought, do you know what? I

3:31

fancy a little bit of this profilo. I fancy a

3:33

bit of a glow up. It is a glow up.

3:36

Emma, you should have it done before your wedding. Yeah,

3:38

and I'm starting to feel a little bit of... First

3:40

in fact, it is video. So, Sleds Go Dating is

3:43

back, everyone. I'm back in four weeks without filming. I'm

3:45

going to fly in for an affair. Are you? Yeah.

3:48

An official affair. I

3:50

mean, how do you think that will go with your marriage? No,

3:52

not at all. I can't wait to start four weeks. But I

3:54

am, so for those asking, yeah, really excited. Can't possibly tell you

3:56

which But

4:00

I decided to get myself sorted.

4:02

So I went to Dr. Leah for a

4:05

bit of profile. We have faith about this. No,

4:07

I know. But just in case you forgot. But

4:10

I can concur with you in that because

4:12

I don't know her that well. Yeah. Lovely. I know

4:14

her through you. Bless you, him. But

4:17

she did look at my face and very well. I

4:19

like a leader. Yeah, I like an honest leader. And

4:21

she's like, right. I can't direct. Right. I'm going to

4:23

push it. And I said, I don't know what you

4:25

need to do. She went, I put a bit here.

4:27

Then she looked at me. You know, like you look

4:29

at a specimen. Yeah, that's what she does. Look, if

4:31

she'd had half moon glasses on her nose, it's that look

4:33

she gives. She sort of peers. Analyzing the thing. She looked

4:36

at it. She went, oh, for God's sake, you need someone

4:38

in your neck. And

4:41

when I love her. So she just went, I went, Leah, you

4:43

do what you need to do, girl. You do you, honey. Get

4:46

a needle happy. Do you know what she said

4:48

to me about you? Go on. She went, oh,

4:50

Anna's so lovely, isn't she? I said, she is

4:52

lovely. She said, didn't you know? I've never really

4:54

looked at her face before in pictures. She's very

4:57

pretty. From a cosmetic

4:59

doctor point of view, she's

5:01

got a very perfect symmetrical

5:03

face. That's what she

5:05

said about you. I didn't tell her that when you

5:07

smile, that side of your mouth goes out of there.

5:10

And that really annoys me. That makeup joke. Yeah,

5:13

I don't want Botox. I don't want Botox. Yeah,

5:15

Joe. Why are we

5:17

trying to eradicate all these? No, I don't. I don't

5:19

want any more. I just have a little bit of.

5:21

Yeah, but you could just get a little bit in

5:23

your lip there. I like my wonky mouth. No. I'm

5:26

happy with my wonky face. She

5:28

didn't say you had a wonky face. You

5:31

have. I have. You have, yeah. Makeup

5:34

Joe calls it my poo smile. She says you smile

5:36

like you can smell a poo. She

5:39

goes, no poo face, no poo face. And I

5:41

have to put my tongue behind the back of my

5:43

teeth to have symmetrical smile. Really? Because you smile with

5:45

your wonky mouth. It's not that bad. It's

5:47

quite bad. I am embracing my

5:49

wonky poo face smile. I've got

5:52

that one eye blink though. Oh yeah, you have your

5:54

sloth eye. I've got the sloth eye. Look at that

5:56

sloth eye. And I just see this weird one eye

5:58

blink. No, no, no. It's so bad.

6:01

They blink at different times.

6:03

You know, it reminds me. No, I

6:05

really blink it. It reminds me of

6:07

George. Remember when we had a slightly

6:10

knackered, decrepit, tiny tears doll and the

6:12

eyes like blinked at the wrong time?

6:14

That's me! That's Louisa! That's

6:16

so obvious. It's

6:18

like, and whenever I do TV, I

6:20

hate watching myself back because I do

6:23

that, it looks like a lazy blink.

6:26

So from from wonky mouth, lazy eye,

6:28

Imo, what's wrong with Imo? What can

6:30

we pick on to make Imo feel

6:32

good today? I

6:35

have a snarl. Lou has a

6:37

broken dolly eye. The snarl, the

6:39

snarl and the snail?

6:42

I don't know what that

6:44

is. I don't know what that refers to, but

6:47

she means you're slow. Oh,

6:49

I don't think so. I was thinking

6:52

of snail trails for some reason. I

6:54

don't know why I was thinking that.

6:56

You're slow and you've got a manky

6:59

badge. Well done. Happy Monday. This is

7:01

our listeners' tips to good healthy friendship.

7:03

Roasting is banter. Morning roasting. Pick

7:07

out your mates' problems, take a hit out

7:09

of them and off we go. And we

7:11

all feel very about ourselves. Everyone feels good.

7:13

Can I just say as well, talking about

7:15

feeling good and taking the present, rolls

7:20

into one. So we did Parent

7:22

in Hell last week. Very good podcast.

7:24

Rob Beckett, Josh Whittacombe. They are very

7:26

big. We love them. We were thrilled

7:28

to be our son. Now, I nearly

7:30

didn't do it, which could have

7:32

been for the best, which was done

7:35

by some of the comments that we then

7:37

received after doing it. They just don't get

7:39

you, Lou. They just don't get you. Stick

7:41

with your teeth. Stick with our slots. Stick

7:43

with our Lufthansians. Lufthansians forever. You guys are

7:45

the best. You actually get me. But

7:48

I don't think the Parent in Hell has got you. I

7:51

am now feeling myself again, which

7:53

is great because I'm off all my painkillers.

7:56

And should we tell them what

7:58

the actual scene was before? Well

8:01

what happened is that I obviously

8:04

had all you guys

8:07

know, basically we were going

8:10

out weren't we? We had been to Sam

8:13

and Pete the night before. Yeah and

8:15

what happened is because I wanted

8:17

to drink, I didn't

8:19

ask the doctor advising me to

8:22

do which is taper off all

8:24

my medication. Always taper medication people.

8:27

And what I did was a

8:29

nice short sharp cold turkey

8:32

so that I could drink on Monday. Now

8:34

I did drink on Monday night, I feel

8:36

like I didn't drink that much. Well

8:39

so this is

8:41

when we were at Sam and Pete the other week guys, she

8:44

was trolleyed but I

8:46

knew this was not normal this Montrolli.

8:48

Anna went to me, you're not normal

8:51

drunk. No I've never been worried

8:53

about you because I mean seriously. You

8:55

still left me in string fillers with Pete what

8:57

say? I did not leave you, the amount of

8:59

time I was trying to

9:01

tell you, force you to come home, I

9:03

almost booked you an Uber. I was literally

9:06

messaging anybody that was with you to go

9:08

make sure she gets in the cab. Well

9:10

I am pleased with your celeb exec. Yeah,

9:13

and my aunts, yeah. And Laura

9:15

I think it was as well. And

9:17

her friend and Laura Mulher. Laura

9:20

Mulher, I really liked her. From BBC.

9:23

From me and the big seat, loved her. We got on

9:25

like a house on fire. Anyway, MBS. I had

9:27

a great night. I then started

9:29

to feel a bit sick on my way home

9:32

and did my usual pebble

9:34

dash and Uber which is the

9:36

very discreet put the window down, put

9:38

your head to the

9:41

back end of the window and

9:43

just open the mouth and let it

9:47

stream out. So I was quite

9:49

sick all the way home and I thought I've

9:51

had too much drink. But I actually hadn't drunk

9:53

that much and then I wasn't

9:57

sick again. Good. So that's

9:59

good. the next

10:02

day I was ill like

10:04

I've never been ill before and you

10:06

can go... I

10:09

pick up the story from here. So the next morning we

10:11

have, yeah, we're going on Rob

10:15

and Josh's Parenting Health podcast which, Boaie,

10:17

thank you so much for all the

10:19

lovely comments you've had about that. And

10:21

the ones who didn't quite find it

10:23

as appetising as they might. But

10:26

that's okay, that's okay. Anyway, back to the

10:28

bedroom. Yeah, exactly. So I turned up thinking

10:30

right, we've got to get Lou. I thought,

10:32

she's about to say this morning, so I

10:34

can't stop. I'm in the house, it's all

10:36

very quiet. Message Lou saying, oh, she's not

10:38

my shoes. Anyway, I thought I'm going to walk upstairs to her

10:40

bedroom, which I don't normally do because I never know if your

10:42

husband's going to be in the bedroom. But

10:44

he wasn't, thank God. I don't know where he was. Walked

10:47

into the bedroom and all I could, because

10:49

he arranged to see is this

10:52

sort of starfish. Amongst

10:56

all of the white linen and

10:58

the pillows and the pillows, there

11:00

was a bin, the obligatory plastic

11:03

bin, which had clearly

11:05

taken a hammering and was going to be.

11:08

And I walked in and she's there, the

11:10

one eye goes. The one eye was about that

11:12

day. Well sat on the side

11:14

of the bed and I was like, I'll have this. This

11:18

is 25 to 10, we were due to be on the pod

11:20

at 10. At 10. She

11:22

is on it. She's like, oh,

11:25

I gotta be sick. So

11:27

she then grabs the bin. She then throws her

11:29

guts up and then passing a little back. I

11:32

was like, right, we're going to cancel. You're not

11:34

very well. Something's wrong with you. You've got to

11:36

go to a gastro bar. We're

11:38

not really sure what's going on, but you are not very well. So

11:41

I was like, right, no, no, I think I can do

11:43

it. I've been sick now. So I was like, well, pull

11:46

yourself together. Go have a cold shower. I'm going to go

11:48

down to the studio. I'm going to rig it all up.

11:50

I'm going to get online. Like I was dying.

11:53

He was issued that desk door. So I got

11:55

in the studio at fair play. One

11:57

minute to 10. Lou arrived in the

11:59

studio. studio with that sort of

12:01

watery eyes of someone that's been literally

12:03

honking up down the lab. And

12:06

I felt like really, really

12:08

hot. So I came in without a top, didn't I? I

12:10

did. I had a best-top on.

12:12

And then I started shivering. Yeah. Yeah.

12:15

It was not good. It wasn't good. So

12:17

I managed to hold it together. She held it very, very

12:20

well. Very funny. She was very

12:22

funny for those that understand Louisa's sense of

12:24

humour. For those that don't understand Louisa and

12:26

have never known Louisa, it probably was Marmite

12:28

for them. And I was

12:30

like, okay, bless Rob Beckett messaging us yesterday

12:32

going, we love you girls, we love you

12:35

girls. And that's lovely. You always get those

12:37

people, don't worry, babes. I'm not worried. I

12:39

felt bad for you. That's

12:41

why I felt bad for you. For

12:43

people saying that they switched off because

12:45

of me. To be fair to me, can

12:47

I just say, they kept asking me fucking questions

12:49

about my life and my house. And I just

12:51

answered. It's a fair play. And also, I just

12:54

want to say, and Ali Fanian say this, so

12:56

I don't even know why I'm saying this. I

12:59

should go back on their podcast and say

13:01

it. But I can only answer questions about

13:03

my life. It is my life and that's

13:06

how I live my life. And I'm not

13:08

going to lie about what my life's like

13:10

because it's not the norm. I don't try

13:12

and up or downplay it. That is just

13:14

my life this morning. I've come in, Andrew's

13:17

having a meeting with our estate manager. I've

13:19

had a meeting with the house manager. We

13:21

then had a joint meeting altogether about all

13:23

the holidays of the staff and all that.

13:25

It's like running a business living in this

13:27

house. And I'm not going to lie about

13:29

what that's like when I'm asked about it.

13:31

I'm not going to lie like other celebs

13:33

that I know have help and then lie

13:35

about having help because they want to seem

13:37

more relatable. I can give a shit whether

13:39

I'm relatable or not. But I'm not going

13:41

to lie about how I live my life

13:43

to satisfy other people's insecurities. I think, yeah.

13:45

Essentially. Yeah. And

13:48

it's sometimes quite hard for me to defend. Well,

13:51

as in to not, sorry, I want to defend. And

13:53

I think, no, there's just no point. But also, there's

13:55

nothing to defend. There's no point. No, there's just no

13:57

way. No, no. But as in defend when people go

13:59

out. I might get no defend the horror of

14:02

the comments is what I mean. I'm not that

14:04

because no, I know you're not but I do.

14:06

I'll be honest, I am really sensitive and it

14:08

upsets me when people give you shit. But as

14:10

you say, well, you're

14:13

just answering a question that someone's asked you

14:15

and the whole point that you've been or

14:17

we've been invited on a podcast and we

14:20

ask to do that. Different perspectives, different lives

14:22

and when we spoke to Rob and Josh

14:24

yesterday, like they were saying is everyone's interested

14:26

but also like we I think we're, look,

14:28

I always say this, I'm,

14:30

and I guess I get roped in as well, you know,

14:33

people always go, Oh, you know, and I just sort of,

14:35

you know, sit on the fence and I was,

14:37

no, don't confuse that with someone that just

14:39

let someone be themselves. Live your life. Unapologetically.

14:42

It's like, why would I sit there and

14:44

question my one of my best friends about

14:46

the way she lives her life? But also

14:48

you get it because you've been here. Yeah,

14:51

I do. You know what I said to

14:53

someone, I can't remember her, thank you. You

14:55

can do these houses like the hot type

14:57

house I live in go to rack and

14:59

ruin normally, right? And then everybody goes,

15:02

Oh my God, it's such a shame that

15:04

those houses aren't maintained and that nobody lives

15:06

in them anymore and all those houses are

15:08

turned into apartments. And isn't it so sad

15:10

that we're losing all part of our British

15:12

history? So someone comes in like me, buys

15:14

a fucking house and runs it out, should

15:17

be run and looks after it. Which needs,

15:20

I can't do it. I cannot maintain 43 acres

15:23

and an 18 bedroom house with

15:26

two other properties on it, singly.

15:30

This is not possible, right? Whoever thinks,

15:32

and work by the way, it's not

15:34

physically possible to do that. So you

15:37

have to have people like me who

15:39

buy houses like this and run them

15:41

correctly. So that this piece of history,

15:43

which is built in the 1700s and

15:45

has hit, you know, when you look at

15:47

the family tree and you've got Richard III,

15:50

King Richard III on it, and then you've

15:52

got King Henry the whatever and Oliver Cromwell.

15:54

You can't do that and not have staff

15:56

to do it. And I'm not being an

15:58

asshole. I love everybody. that works

16:00

for me here. It's an amazing team and community

16:02

that we've created. But you can't have it both

16:05

ways, guys. You can't moan about the raccoon that

16:07

these houses go to and then the National Trust

16:09

might try and keep them alive and you try

16:11

and keep history alive and it's grade two star

16:13

listed. And you can't do that without maintaining and

16:16

you need people like us and our family to

16:18

maintain them. So don't fucking moan about it. Anyway,

16:20

cracking on. I basically, the long and short of

16:22

it is I managed to do the podcast. I

16:25

then went in a two day massive train crossing

16:27

come down. Oh my God. Which was one of

16:29

the worst experiences of my life. Basically, she'd

16:31

come off prescription drugs far too quickly. I

16:33

didn't know this. If I'd bloody known it,

16:36

I would have, I've telling her off and

16:38

she did. She was literally train spotting for

16:40

two days. It was really horrific. And we

16:42

were shoving like, what, we? We? Leah was

16:44

on the blower. Leah was on the blower.

16:46

You're like, you need to call your doctor.

16:48

Do not be left alone. You might start

16:50

composting. Andrew was shoving like fish and chips

16:52

down. You'd be getting carbs in. Yeah, they

16:55

were good. I

16:57

was sick 25 times on

16:59

that Tuesday. And I was

17:01

like shaking uncontrollably. And then

17:03

I was like, I'm just going

17:05

to take the fucking tablets. Cause I

17:07

felt so bad. And I was like,

17:09

I just, and then I know, right?

17:12

And then I was like, this is

17:14

why drug addicts stay drug addicts. And

17:16

it's actually so bad, so bad to

17:18

come down. And I was like, I

17:20

just, all I need is a couple

17:22

of those tablets. And I know this

17:24

will stop. But Anna was like, do

17:26

not take the tablets. And I was

17:28

in Saudi capitals. Do not take the

17:30

tablets. I was like, do not take

17:32

anything. I really want to take the

17:34

tablets. And anyway, I didn't. And

17:37

I went through it and it was really

17:39

awful. It was two days of real, real

17:41

rough, real, really rough. I couldn't even look

17:43

at my phone. You look back to normal.

17:46

Yeah. And you're off

17:48

the prescription. I'm going to make

17:50

a little PSA here. Seriously. Prescription

17:53

drugs are really freaking dangerous. Lovely. And if you, if

17:55

any of this relates to you or someone you know,

17:57

please for the love of God, go and see me.

18:00

a GP because I think people

18:02

really underplay the impact and the

18:04

power of prescription drugs. They

18:07

cause awful depression, awful physical side effects. So

18:09

they really fucked my mood up as well.

18:11

I actually got quite low on those drugs.

18:13

Didn't realise until now that I'm like totally

18:16

off set. Gone cold turning. Well, my mate

18:18

Rose, just over in Biscuit, she's had a

18:20

knot recently and she was given, you know,

18:22

American as well. And she has made, and

18:24

we said to her, my

18:29

other mate Al, she was like, for the love of God, do

18:31

not take those opioids. And she hasn't. They do,

18:33

they are really good though. But she hasn't and

18:35

she's just going to do it on the old

18:37

neurofen and stuff. But just, I mean, I'm not

18:39

going to say don't take them. Don't listen to

18:41

me, listen to your doctor. Just be really bloody

18:43

careful. I know. I've

18:46

been fingered. You've been fingered. I

18:48

just want to update this. Not

18:50

by her husband. Not by my

18:52

husband. She has been fingered by

18:54

a woman. I've been fingered by

18:56

Nikki at Holisticare. How

18:58

did that go? Well, they loved

19:01

the podcast. They all listened. Hi

19:03

girls. Hi girls. And I walked

19:05

in and passed me the mask

19:07

scanner in case this goes online,

19:10

but they all listened and I

19:12

got presented with a

19:14

Hoss Waff mask,

19:17

hand stitched for Alison on reception. And, I

19:19

mean, Alison could have got a better quality

19:21

mask though, for all of that effort that's

19:23

gone into the stitching. Well, I like it.

19:26

All right. No, it is very nice. It's

19:28

great. And I got presented with

19:30

this and they loved the plug. And I went

19:32

to Nikki. I'm not sure if I'm ready. She

19:34

went, well, you've got to do it now. It

19:36

was on the podcast. And

19:38

I was like, yes, right. No, wait, wait, wait,

19:41

wait. And getting a finger by you. If you

19:43

could please pop on some Barry White or some

19:45

sort of Pornhub type music, talk

19:47

us through the fingering so the pants come down.

19:50

So you're lying on the bed. So you have

19:52

to plop the knees open. Flop the knees open.

19:54

No, she's very handy with your finger. Right. Go

19:56

on then. How do we do? How many fists

19:58

did she get up that vast? Couple

20:01

of fingers? Yeah. No, no. So

20:04

it wasn't like a hardcore fingering. Sorry,

20:07

come on, come on. There was nothing sexual in it.

20:09

It was very professional. Yeah, you put her fingers into

20:11

you. And I'm so sorry, Nicky. Nicky

20:17

has been a professional for 30-odd years.

20:21

And you've just... I've

20:23

just trounced her career in 1000. But do you know that was

20:25

hilarious? I'm joking, Nicky. Can I just say that was hilarious? So

20:28

that week when we spoke about

20:30

it on the pod, the old

20:32

hostwaffe, that weekend they had a

20:34

fingering workshop. How weird is that?

20:37

You didn't know that. They

20:39

wouldn't have known that the pod was coming

20:41

out on the Monday. And the

20:43

Saturday and Sunday before there was a whole fingering

20:45

workshop that went on there to train

20:48

all the other therapists. Not only can you

20:50

get your vag fingered, they also do the

20:52

butthole. Yeah, can I

20:54

just say that? They do a butthole

20:56

fingering, a release for the butthole.

20:59

I need to do this one, Sue. What

21:01

do they actually call the workshop? I mean,

21:03

do they actually call it a fingering workshop?

21:05

Well, I know. I don't know. The

21:07

genital workshop? The vag and bum

21:10

workshop. No,

21:12

there's a more professional. There's got to be a

21:14

better one. But anyway, so basically, I got fingered

21:16

by Nicky. It was good. And

21:19

is it better? Well, I don't

21:22

know really. She said that

21:24

it's quite off-scarce issue, which

21:26

I did know. That's what I said about mine. Which I did

21:28

know, because obviously I had that major up. She needs to do

21:30

it a few more times. Well, she

21:32

doesn't. It was good. Do you know

21:34

what was really interesting? When she was doing it, I

21:36

could feel. So she went, see that bit? It's really

21:38

hard. And I was like, yeah. And then when it

21:41

releases, you feel it. Yes. You

21:43

feel the release. And then she goes, there

21:45

you go. And now it's more spongy. And

21:47

I'm like, yes, I can feel that. You

21:49

feel it happening in like real time. Yes,

21:52

you do. This is when the lady Belinda, she did my

21:54

interesting thing. I could feel it release. Yeah. So

21:57

I'm going to let her do it a few more

21:59

times. A few more times. I said, when I filled

22:02

it the consent form, just fill in a consent form,

22:04

I took no to the rectum. I said, Nikki, I'm

22:06

not quite ready for you to go. You like a bit

22:08

of back door love. Yeah, but I'm not sure if I'm

22:11

ready for that from Nikki yet. So that's it.

22:13

That's your new thing. My last little

22:15

bit of news for today is,

22:18

so I went to take that, took Mama Mary,

22:20

take that, thought I'd bring it up. She loved

22:22

it. She loved it a little.

22:25

Can I just say, my mum, she's

22:27

so big. She's so small. She's very

22:29

small. She's a dwarf actually. Do you

22:31

think she's got minor dwarfism? That

22:33

would make me like her more. We all know I'm a

22:36

big fan of the dwarf. I mean, for you, we can

22:38

say yes, she has. I love her then. She's 4'11". Oh,

22:41

Mary! So there we go. So there we

22:43

go. When she dies, she'll probably only be

22:45

4'7", she'll shrink. Oh. A

22:48

little fact. Yeah, go on. Dwarfism

22:51

is generally defined as an

22:53

adult height of 4'10". So

22:56

she's nearly there. She's nearly there. She's

22:59

a peri dwarf. She's nearly

23:02

a dwarf. I'm going to tell Mum that. She'll

23:04

be thrilled about that. She'll be thrilled about that. She might

23:07

reply with a voicemail. Come on. Say,

23:09

Mum, interesting fact for you. I

23:11

know what to do. She'll go, darling, I don't know

23:13

how to access this voicemail. Hang on. Right,

23:16

here we go. I'm going to do it now. Oh, hang on.

23:18

I just put... Hang on. No,

23:21

can you... Yeah, I'm going to do that. Hang on. Mama,

23:23

doing the pod. Right. So

23:26

it's a very interesting fact that you

23:28

are classified a small person, a dwarf,

23:30

if you are 4'10 and

23:32

under. So you are only one inch

23:35

of being officially classified a small

23:37

person. Isn't that interesting? Voice, let me

23:39

back. Let me know what you think. It

23:42

was on an hour ago. It's every chance that she

23:44

will... I don't know what

23:46

she replies back. Anyway, so, mum and Mary. Now, she

23:48

bloody loves to take that, right? So I got her

23:50

for Christmas present. I was never really in to take

23:52

that. Well, I didn't... I remember when they

23:54

broke up, girls crying at school. Big time. And

23:57

I was like, what? Who are they? There was a

23:59

girl at school who... I remember she knew somebody that

24:01

lived next door to Robbie Williams at the

24:03

time and her friend's coat had been touched

24:06

by Robbie Williams and there were a load

24:08

of girls in the playground that used to

24:10

worship this coat because it had been touched

24:12

by Robbie Williams's hands like

24:14

it was some sacred piece of you know

24:16

or some relic and but your mum loves

24:18

to take that and and then I basically

24:20

ended up taking my brother and Alex as

24:22

well I don't know how they ended up

24:25

getting in on it but they did but

24:27

anyway took mama Mary she's having it she

24:29

loves to relight my fire. Relight my fire.

24:31

Well can I say loads of people take that

24:33

I also found a big shout out to

24:35

Laura because I booked a dinner in the gout

24:37

show opposite and as he walked in

24:39

I was like bee lining because it was really rainy on

24:41

the on Saturday night and I was bee lining because we

24:44

were late for our table and as I walked through both

24:46

Alex and my brother we got to the lift my brother

24:48

was like oh my god you were just so rude and

24:50

I was like what what I'm not rude I'm not rude.

24:52

You were on a mission. Yeah he went sis that was

24:54

really rude like this woman practically shot out of her chair

24:57

he went she shot out like you know and I went

24:59

what he went I don't know she obviously and I went

25:01

he went you should go back and say hello that was

25:03

really rude and I was like oh god okay so I

25:05

walked back in to go back yeah and he blessed this

25:07

woman and her lovely husband Laura hello lovely I

25:10

don't think I've ever met anyone so

25:12

enthusiastic about Laura Anna's true side she

25:14

did you saw her true side can I

25:16

just say the rude she is not the friendly one

25:18

out the two of us yeah you go you see yeah the

25:20

smoke and mirrors and her lovely husband at

25:22

one point did have to get hold of her and pull

25:24

her away and go you see she was clean. Oh for

25:26

alone now Laura. Leave her alone. You're amazing. I wouldn't do

25:29

well with Laura. I don't like people

25:31

touching me. It may have been a bit much.

25:33

Laura you were never too much for me. She

25:35

even came up to the table afterwards and also

25:37

wanted to come and thank my mother for giving

25:39

birth to me which was lovely. So thank you

25:41

Laura. Laura very very keen. So

25:44

we went actually so nice though at

25:47

the same time. Honestly I'm not despite being too

25:49

keen and you're probably freaking out that you might

25:51

talk her home and kill her. It

25:53

is actually really lovely when people come and say

25:55

hi and they say that they listen. I

25:58

am quite unapproachable but I really do like

26:00

it. It really did genuinely make my day. It makes

26:02

us so happy. It made my mum really happy

26:04

too. Well it makes your parents proud. I know

26:06

mum was like oh this is

26:09

so nice. I shouldn't get out much. Anyway so

26:11

we went to take that, we were watching take

26:13

that, loads of people were mostly saying they were

26:15

there too. It was a brilliant gig. I had

26:17

to say oh they'd thrown a bit of spending

26:19

at that. Oh really? And

26:21

was Robbie back in there? No Robbie although

26:23

because they're not friends still. There were only

26:25

three of them No Robbie. It was one

26:27

car set. No they were all alive. Who

26:30

died? No one in take that guy. Someone

26:32

died. Someone died. Someone died from Boyzone,

26:34

Stephen Gateling. About 11 years ago.

26:37

That's who I'm thinking of. How did he

26:39

die? Drugs or something? I don't know actually.

26:42

Something in Mallorca in a bit. We keep

26:44

spreading fake news. Oh my god. Yes that

26:47

is isn't fucking dead. You know I was

26:49

thinking of Keith Cheguin. Is

26:51

Keith Cheguin dead? Yes he's dead. I think

26:54

Cheguin is dead actually. No Cheguin is definitely dead. I went

26:56

to a charity event. He was there, we sat next to

26:58

each other, we got on like a house on fire. He

27:00

does look a bit like Liz Dannes and then he died.

27:02

And basically... Keith Cheguin died.

27:04

He's dead. Cheguin is dead. Cheguin is dead.

27:06

2017. When

27:08

I was in a girl band when I

27:10

was 16, Cheguin's twin brother, they literally are

27:13

identical twins, was RINR management. No. Random voices.

27:15

This is brother dead too. I hope not.

27:18

But anyway so we were sitting there and the

27:21

gig was about to start. Olly Murs' warm-up was

27:23

very very good. He should have had a baby.

27:25

Congrats to you. He has. It

27:27

made us laugh because suddenly there was this

27:29

commotion. Commotion. On your point

27:32

of who's in take that, Gary Barlow, Howard

27:34

Donald and Mark Cohen. Robbie, they are friends.

27:36

He joined them. There's only three out of five. There's three out

27:38

of five. They were very good though. Okay. But

27:40

there's a bit of commotion going on in front of

27:43

us. And everyone's like oh and there's suddenly the rubber

27:45

necking starting. People are getting their phones out. We're like

27:47

hello, hello. It's going

27:49

on down there. Ten rows down in the front

27:51

and suddenly the whisper goes around. It's Jason Orange.

27:53

He's the other one who doesn't. Jason Orange. Jason

27:56

Orange is in the audience. Oh my god Jason

27:58

Orange. It could hit Jason Orange. Oh

28:02

no, it's John Bishop, the

28:04

comic. It

28:06

was John Bishop. John Bishop, you'll

28:08

know him, he's the Scouse comic, but it was

28:10

quite amusing. I was thinking, at what point does

28:12

one member of Take That, who's left Take That,

28:15

just sit in the audience and watch Take That,

28:17

it was John Bishop and he was getting papped

28:19

and people were wanting to take both of them.

28:21

And just another slide though, Em, do you have

28:23

an issue about Take That's costume department? Em,

28:26

I think they need to be fired. Why?

28:28

I haven't addressed any. I've

28:34

seen some interesting thing that

28:36

looked like they were like Joseph

28:39

and his Temecre dream. That's the one. Well, I would

28:41

love that. Oh my God, I've got a surprise for

28:43

you too, on Wednesday. Yeah?

28:46

Oh, yes, on

28:48

Wednesday. No, because

28:50

then I just read, we can do that. So

28:53

yeah, the costumes were questionable at times. There

28:56

was also one other thing as well, I

28:58

felt a bit sorry for Howard Donald, okay,

29:00

because he got Gary Barlow, I mean, Gary

29:02

bloody Barlow, he's like Elton John. No, he's

29:05

married to... Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, he is.

29:07

Can we not compare Gary Barlow to Elton

29:09

John, please? I'm sorry. No, that is like

29:11

Premier League and Division One. All right, fine.

29:14

Division One, we'll take Division One. Sorry Barlow

29:16

is never to be compared to my

29:19

beloved Elton John. Fine, fine. I'll

29:21

take it. However, Gary and his

29:23

piano... What is that? I'll simply

29:25

all agree that Gary Barlow is an

29:27

incredible pianist. Mark Cohen suddenly whacks out his guitar

29:29

quite a lot. I'm like, Mark Cohen's pretty good

29:32

on the guitar. Then how would... You tell me

29:34

the other one pulled out a triangle. Tambourine. Stop!

29:39

And I was thinking Gary Barlow, great pianist,

29:41

Mark Cohen, pretty bloody good guitarist. How

29:43

would Cohen pull out something? Was

29:45

that a piss take though? Or was it a serious?

29:47

No, it was a real, it

29:50

was almost like, oh, hang on, guitarist, piano, we've got

29:52

to give Howard something to do. Give

29:54

him a tambourine. So I did at that

29:56

point. I know, bless. Come on,

29:58

it's got to be on percussion. That

30:01

is the type of thing that they've done seriously.

30:03

We would do that as a piss tag. We'd

30:06

be like, right, emo can play the

30:08

drums and it can play the piano.

30:10

And then I would be that. But

30:12

they have done it seriously. Like they didn't think

30:14

to take the piss out of each other. What's

30:17

wrong with them? Yeah, no, it was a real

30:19

it was a real thing. It was a great

30:21

night and great weekend. Also, can we just go

30:23

from one live event to

30:25

another? Possibly. Or

30:27

is it? Something's coming, something

30:30

good. If I

30:32

can wait. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

30:34

ding. We have a

30:36

potential Luanna announcements. We have

30:38

a we do have a

30:40

Luanna announcements. Something very exciting

30:43

is coming very soon. We

30:45

are one fingering away from

30:47

announcing totally what it is.

30:50

But listen, we always do this. We

30:52

do have a mailing list and the

30:54

people are most loyal fans

30:57

who sign up to our mailing list. So

30:59

always the first to know about it and

31:01

always first to access tickets to our events.

31:03

Now we can probably say one thing. It

31:06

is not a podcast show. It is not a

31:09

podcast show. It is not a podcast show. You know,

31:11

can we say more? No,

31:14

no, no, I would say I would say

31:16

we're not a podcast show. We're trailblazers. Trailblazers

31:18

and what we do. Nobody else does. No

31:21

shade on anyone else. I'm trying to say they

31:23

were fucking copied us. We were the first to

31:25

go on tour. Everyone else followed too. We

31:27

have got bored of that shit and we have come

31:29

up with something else. We're doing something different. So if

31:31

you want to join us, we will be announcing it

31:34

very soon, but you'll be the first to know as

31:36

Lu says, go to our socials. It's at

31:38

everything underscore Luanna. You can go to our website.

31:40

It's everything the one dot com. Sign up today.

31:42

To the mailing list. That would be a pop

31:44

up. Be the first to find out. Yes, she

31:47

is. Be the first to find out. Find

31:49

out to our mailing list. You

31:52

might also like to flood the parenting hell chat

31:54

and let them know where they can also start

31:57

office. They're like, come and

31:59

join us. We will be inviting Rob

32:01

and Josh, who are great friends of ours. But

32:03

we're not sharing the stage. Is there even a

32:05

stage? Kind of. Who knows? Who knows? Don't know.

32:07

But you're going to love it. It's very cool.

32:09

You guys are actually going to love it. We

32:12

know that you're going to love it because this

32:14

is an even better thing to bring Lufani and

32:16

together basically. And we're there. We

32:18

are there. You can even touch us actually. And

32:21

we want you to join us. Yes. If

32:24

you go, join us. Not a watcher. Everything

32:26

out of school, Llewanna or everything, llewanna.com to

32:28

sign up to the mailing list. Be the

32:30

first to find out. You don't want

32:32

to get FOMO for this one, guys. No. Right.

32:37

Just one quick thing. Right. Here we go. Some

32:39

Lufanians did notice and did

32:42

post about on our Everything

32:44

Llewanna official Facebook page. So

32:47

I don't know how long it was. Maybe a couple of

32:50

years ago, Carrie Johnson started following me. We

32:53

spoke about this on the pod at the

32:55

time. And I was very excited because I've

32:57

always liked her. She's a huge animal lover

32:59

like me. Same age as

33:01

me. We have a lot in common, I feel. And

33:04

I just like really wanted her to be

33:06

my friend and probably projected that

33:08

out. I don't know if she listens to

33:10

the pod. Have you still not found that

33:12

out? Anyway, can I just say,

33:14

I'm not going to say too much on

33:17

this. But

33:20

we are now on WhatsApp together and we're

33:22

basically besties. So sorry, Anna. I'm

33:25

moving over. We have really bonded over

33:27

our love for ducks. And we both

33:29

share a huge love of parties. They

33:32

go and both love an older man.

33:34

You do. You do. So

33:37

there you go. There it is. I'm not going

33:39

to say any more on it because I don't

33:41

want her to defend me. I

33:43

don't want to be an oversharer and

33:45

have to be that person and have

33:47

a different me. But there's

33:50

a lot that's happened. There's a

33:52

lot of the podcast coming to. Karina.

33:56

You know, how Lou has her quota of two new friends

33:58

a year. Well, I think it's very. to say Carrie

34:00

Johnson has taken one of those spots.

34:02

Well, I hope so. I really like her.

34:05

Well, that's good. I never really like people.

34:08

Just very like me. Her love

34:11

of ducks is

34:13

exponential, the same as me. And we've been

34:15

talking about ducks a lot. A lot of

34:17

duck love. Donnie, her duck died also. I

34:20

haven't shared this on it. I can barely

34:22

bring myself to say it. But

34:25

Nelson died. I

34:28

didn't, well, you told me this last night. I

34:31

haven't even been able to sit on my Instagram. Nelson

34:34

Mandela died. And I don't know

34:36

why him and another one died. And

34:38

then... What, you just woke up and he

34:40

was... They were just dead. Don't know why.

34:43

Then the other two that I had, one

34:45

was really poorly and I was quite sure

34:47

it was going to die. Indy was devastated,

34:49

right? Balling her eyes out. And

34:52

for five hours yesterday, she sat on

34:54

the sofa, cuddling this duck, because they

34:56

go off the body warmth, feeding it

34:58

from a pipette, sugar water, and... Still

35:02

snuffed it. No. Oh, it's alive. And

35:05

she came down this door and said... He left

35:07

it me! Hail, hail, hail! He

35:09

left it you! And that

35:11

child literally

35:14

didn't leave that duck side all day

35:16

from dawn till dusk. Dawn till

35:18

dusk. And it's

35:20

alive. They're in the kitchen, the two in the kitchen.

35:22

Oh, I didn't see the duck. That's two of them

35:24

in the kitchen. But what happened is I messaged Carrie

35:26

and I was like, shit, two have died.

35:28

I think this other one's going to die. I'll

35:31

give you my lone one. Has she not got

35:33

no ducks? No, she's got two. One of her

35:35

has died. But you can't have a

35:37

duck on its own. So I was

35:40

like, I'll give it to you, because our ducks are the

35:42

same age. But then this duck

35:44

survived, so I now don't need to give

35:46

it to her. But in my panic, and

35:48

the kids then go, we don't want to give

35:50

our duck away anymore. Fair enough. I then

35:52

searched pre-loved, called four different people

35:55

yesterday and ended up driving to

35:57

Cambridge and buying another six ducklings.

36:00

Where are they? No, they're outside in

36:02

the outhouse. They're totally untamed. They

36:05

won't let you near them, so I need

36:07

to work on taming them. So I now

36:09

can't put my two that are super tame,

36:11

because they're constantly cuddled, in with the untamed

36:13

ones. Oh shit. So now I've got like

36:15

a shit ton of ducks. And then in

36:17

my panic of trying to get ducklings for

36:19

the kids, I then committed to buying another

36:21

13 tomorrow. Oh my God. But

36:24

I think I'm going to have to pull out of

36:26

that. I think you're going to have to pull out

36:28

of that. Can I put my foot down? I don't

36:30

think you've got enough room for these ducks. Well, Quackington

36:32

Palace is getting delivered next week. Oh

36:34

my God. An 8 foot

36:36

by 8 foot Wendy house. I've got the

36:38

material to make the curtains. I'm thinking of

36:40

inviting Carrie over to sew with me. I

36:43

think you should. Yeah. I

36:45

have a question. Oh yeah. Why

36:47

have we chosen Quackington instead of Duckingham?

36:49

You clearly missed my Instagram on this. Yeah,

36:52

I missed this too. No, you didn't. You

36:54

sent me a message going, this is hilarious way to

36:57

be discreet. What, the Quackington? Oh

36:59

no, I did see that one. So,

37:02

this is Lou. Lou

37:05

was trying to not give away the

37:07

name of her house by literally

37:10

giving one letter difference.

37:12

I was like, sluice

37:14

there Lou. Well done. Brilliant.

37:17

So I didn't call it Quackington Palace because

37:19

my house name ends in T-O-N.

37:23

So I wanted to say my

37:25

house was called... You're

37:28

usually so good at thinking on your feet. I

37:30

just was, I saw it. So I did it

37:33

on Instagram. I didn't think about my feet. And

37:35

I was trying to explain why it wasn't Quackingham

37:37

Palace. And basically our house ends in T-O-N. So

37:41

say my house was called, Harington

37:44

Manor. Brilliant. Right. I

37:46

would have called it... I know right. So

37:50

basically I called it Quackington.

37:54

So it's similar to my house name. And then

37:56

I couldn't call it like, like, Harington Manor. It

38:00

would have been too similar to my house. So I

38:02

still went with palace, but I went quacking But why

38:05

did we go quacking instead of ducking? Well,

38:08

who knows Lee? Why do I fucking know

38:10

do I didn't keep that? I was on

38:12

eBay with the kids in each year and

38:14

I was stressed and I thought let's just

38:16

call it quacking I am I'm of ducking

38:18

ten. I think you may probably should have

38:20

been mad. Just give you postcode out right now Basically,

38:24

anyway, it's called cracking tip the sign is that get

38:26

the sign out? I let the plan. Oh, okay There's

38:29

the sign in our office Basically,

38:32

I've got my material for the curtains, but I

38:34

think I might have to let this person down

38:36

tomorrow and not Right,

38:38

Kerry Kerry. If you're listening to this Do you

38:40

know Kerry if you're listening to this DM me

38:42

let me know you listen the

38:44

kind of Carrie

38:50

Another we no longer on DM. We send each

38:52

other voice notes on videos. We have even video

38:54

called Okay, you can have Kerry. I don't want

38:56

to have Kerry though. You do Daddy

38:59

said to me if you go to

39:01

her house, please can I come to look at

39:04

the house and I said

39:06

no Anna You cannot come well I

39:09

mean I am gonna come emo and I both gonna go

39:12

I think she's come over and do after

39:15

listening to this You're

39:17

gonna use the vag Turtons

39:21

No, I bought really cute duck egg blue

39:23

gigum material. You had to watch time in

39:26

your eyes, mate I know I had time

39:28

to say them now back on my feet

39:31

Well, this is good. At least we know the distance

39:33

back in the room. Listen, you know what we have

39:35

we've gone on way Yeah, we have time for and

39:37

we've got a lot to do today. Let's rattle through

39:40

the rest of this time for did you know? We're

39:42

there. No, don't end in Have

39:44

you forgotten? No, I do happy you

39:47

did a dual fat. I'm your mom

39:49

replied. No, she was

39:51

she doesn't often go on a phone Where the

39:53

bloody hell is it? Here is? Okay? Mm-hmm

39:56

This is from Sean from

40:00

Bradford, which is in

40:02

the north. Thank you. She

40:06

says, so

40:10

I'm listening to the bat catalogue and currently in

40:12

October 2021 with the

40:14

animal shagging, did you know

40:16

run? It did go on for

40:18

a while. So about that. Yeah. She says

40:21

I have one for you doesn't need fact

40:23

checking because it's on David Attenborough's

40:25

new mammals. Oh my god

40:27

that shows. Brown bats, not

40:30

sure if that's a

40:32

type of bat, but brown

40:35

bats, some males will come

40:37

out of hibernation just

40:39

to mate with still

40:42

hibernating females if

40:45

they haven't had the chance to

40:47

hibernate with, to mate with any

40:49

other females. Sexually assaulting bats. Basically.

40:52

Wow. And the females, the

40:55

females adore the semen and

40:58

can choose. Which one?

41:00

Which baby daddy? Yeah.

41:04

That's quite clever. That has a lot of women that wish

41:06

they could do that. All

41:08

right, poor bats. Who's a baby daddy? Well,

41:11

good fact though, Em. Thank you for that. I've got

41:13

bats here. Have you? Yeah,

41:15

I like them. They fly around at night. Bats

41:18

and owls, so like I'm living in Harry Potter.

41:22

Right, messages. Let's get cracking. So talking about living in

41:24

Harry Potter, did you know someone asked flowers? Which

41:27

flowers? When you drove in. The bluebells? No, I've

41:29

got it by the gates now. It's all been

41:32

planted up. Didn't notice that, sorry. I was looking

41:34

at the bluebells. Flowers as you come down the

41:36

drive. The bluebells would be beautiful. Bluebells and right.

41:38

Darling. Messages from an old girl,

41:40

look on the way out. From Franny. Hi ladies,

41:42

love the porn. Please

41:46

give me a nod. It can be Fanny. Quite

41:48

appropriate. The topic of my message, I had guessed

41:50

that. Fanny, I wanted to write into you after

41:52

listening to your section on Yoni Mathaj. Oh, never

41:55

thought I'd have a fad to chat last week.

41:57

Lots of lots of this. This really did stay

41:59

with me. She's had one. I have

42:01

had very recently my first one and what

42:03

can I say ladies? He was me. Okay,

42:05

we need to go. I have endometriosis and

42:07

so I've lots of pain and trauma around

42:09

the old nether region. I haven't quite felt

42:11

myself recently. Sex drive dropped off a cliff

42:13

and experienced a lot of stress and anxiety

42:15

which naturally triggers even more pain for me.

42:17

Even been wondering if I'm Perry or

42:19

if I've been listening to you girls too much. Anyway,

42:22

after a little while I've been curious

42:27

about Yoni. I thought, why not?

42:29

I've been researching for a little while

42:31

and decided to book myself in with

42:33

a local lady. Lady. Offers. Lady, no

42:35

lady. I would want a lady. Yeah.

42:37

Who offers various tantric experiences. I

42:40

arrived feeling quite nervous but she put me

42:42

these straight away, asked me about why I

42:44

was there and took all the nerves away.

42:46

During the massage I was so relaxed and

42:48

I actually climaxed multiple times. What? She made

42:50

me feel incredibly safe and like I had

42:52

control at all times. So, well this is

42:55

good. The whole thing felt very natural, very

42:57

spiritual and well, just what I needed. Maximum

42:59

relief with zero effort. I've been in a

43:01

lot of pain over the last few months

43:03

and I could feel the pressure releasing. I

43:05

came out feeling revived and relaxed. More interestingly

43:07

though, I came on my period a few

43:10

days afterwards. Pain. Oh my god. This is

43:12

a revelation. Yeah, if you've got endo that's

43:14

painful. I've also been back to my usual

43:16

ready to go self-sizzed. Let's hope it lasts.

43:18

I'll be booking in on the regular. It

43:20

helps that much. I'll say try at least

43:22

once girls. I'm glad I did. Should we

43:24

do it? I'm up for that. Yeah. How

43:26

would you feel there about coming?

43:29

Like she's... Well I think it's funny consensual. Yeah, I'm

43:31

happy to like give that consent. I would want a

43:34

woman to do it though. I don't think Andrew would

43:36

want me to do this. So

43:38

can I give a bit of a confession? Yeah.

43:41

Like this is this for real. Right. This is

43:43

something that's like I've never told anyone this but

43:45

and this is actually my very own. I've never

43:48

told anyone this but. So after the only thing,

43:50

it did stay with me because I

43:52

think I've had this when

43:54

I was 19. Right. Well

43:57

I don't know if it was. It wasn't a full thing.

44:00

Honestly, I'm being deadly serious. Because

44:04

I, I

44:06

honestly have always been

44:08

a bit weird about was I assaulted or

44:10

not? Oh God, this is

44:12

too deep for me on a Monday. No, no, no, it's

44:14

not. I have to be in the room with you while

44:16

you're saying this and this makes you feel very awkward.

44:19

No, I'm being really serious with this one. I

44:21

was 19 and I'd gone for a massage

44:23

ride and it was with a male, masseuse.

44:26

But I need to be really clear here.

44:28

He didn't touch me inappropriately. Oh, no, but he

44:30

didn't. But I remember when he had the massage,

44:33

he said, it's best to have this massage with

44:35

nothing on. But I was always quite used

44:37

to that. Like European massage. Yeah,

44:40

tie and stuff. Yeah, I don't know.

44:42

Yeah, I don't know. And so

44:44

I remember stripping off and it, but he did

44:46

say prior to the massage, I actually was quite

44:48

therapeutic saying that loud. He said, I feel very

44:50

awkward right now. I know. But he said, he

44:53

said, I'm, he said, just to let you know,

44:55

this massage will make you feel very

44:57

sensual and possibly very aroused. But it's just part

45:00

of the massage I'm going to give you. Right.

45:02

So at the time I was a bit like,

45:04

oh, I don't know. I just sort of went

45:06

with him, you know. And

45:08

I remember he gave me the massage and I remember

45:10

when I turned I was lying on my front and

45:13

his hands never like touched my

45:15

neck or my boobs, but he went close.

45:17

Yeah. Yeah. Massage like inside the thighs. Yeah.

45:19

And then he massaged in between the boobs

45:21

and around the boobs, but not on the

45:23

nipples. I could honestly tell you,

45:25

and this guy was not hot or anything. He was

45:27

like way into his, I don't know, 50s, 60s. And

45:31

I have never been so aroused

45:33

in my life. And

45:36

I remember lying there. I don't really

45:38

know, almost begging in my

45:40

head for him to like, stick a finger in,

45:42

begging him like in

45:46

my brain to want to do

45:49

it. Cause I was so aroused

45:51

and I was dripping and like,

45:53

honestly, Honest, I Kid you not girls.

45:55

And then nothing like he didn't like, you

45:58

know? And then the massage finished. You

46:01

hobbies and then I many get not another

46:03

I caught cheating the huntsman my my mimic

46:05

and myself Just know that some you get

46:07

myself dress and he's i said i'm at

46:10

peace with gave you know you know the

46:12

Thomas gao and he sidelining mammogram assess an

46:14

ama and then I got dressed i'm I'm

46:17

the guy had but I remember seeing i'm

46:19

I'm gonna say until last week have always

46:21

been a bit confused salt because I thought

46:23

like moses and now I really believe on

46:26

so bizarre clearly I think he was like

46:28

hundred yards or something and is actually let.

46:30

Other laws that we've curiosity guy because he

46:32

never touched me that was never anything and

46:35

as I always think so to see one

46:37

my really turned on by the an old

46:39

ugly guy who was just must house me

46:41

in a way the other than those before

46:43

by a boyfriend but yeah this guy has

46:46

made me either magic touch and of and

46:48

and honestly I just wanted to get not

46:50

professional back as I think I've experienced their

46:52

allies i think I have any sweetie let

46:54

it gave me and away the i would

46:57

quite like to experience again in a consensual

46:59

way with a woman. And say so.

47:01

We do it. And it's really like lights

47:03

is. Slowly we got someone that's how they

47:05

want a son massaging. Any

47:08

delay and in our mission I nicky doesn't

47:10

it during the rainy season for his us

47:12

I thought was so all we can they

47:14

do a. Yeah. That's

47:16

fine I wanted properly little either. well I

47:19

this is in my handy for he's we

47:21

treat him as we have a as the

47:23

only mythology you want lanai is i play

47:25

with you. On. With go

47:27

for your muscles. As. It

47:30

was properly done. Uber

47:32

is not just see I need us to have the

47:34

hotel in my thoughts are I was guy if you

47:36

guys let I'd I society or could about it. I.

47:39

Thought you to which is weird because

47:42

I'm very used to be so sexy

47:44

the seller some place now. Also

47:46

quite liberal us les d on my liver on

47:49

a to say number on awesome or don't know.

47:51

How would Onyx feel about. somebody

47:54

no gray yeah i reply when i was them

47:57

when he told him of us he wouldn't like

47:59

energy And out of respect for my

48:01

husband, I do think... Well I have to say to them,

48:03

will you try and give us a yoni then? Yeah. You

48:05

don't want us to do it? No, you're

48:07

right. And I do think that is for me something that

48:09

has to be considered, yeah, when you're in a committed relationship.

48:12

We could just go and not say anything and not mention

48:14

it on the pod. Well,

48:17

let's look into it, girls. Let's continue

48:19

to look into it. And if we

48:21

don't massage, we can steam. Ah, so

48:23

I don't know if we can't do

48:25

that. Because Dr. Charlotte, in fact, has

48:27

messaged saying, for the love of God

48:29

girls, no steaming. She's a women's

48:32

health doctor. She said, I'm sick and

48:34

thirsty. It messes up the microbiome in your vag.

48:36

She went, women are going into it and it's

48:38

really messing up the natural bacteria. She said, please,

48:40

for the love of God. She went, yoni yes,

48:42

as long as it's consensual steaming of the vag.

48:44

No, is what she said. So I'm

48:46

listening to Dr. Charlotte because she's never been wrong

48:48

yet. So

48:52

we've got another message in now from Saffie. She says,

48:54

dear Louisa and Anna, I'm so new

48:56

to listening to your podcast. I don't even know

48:59

what nicknames to use in my email. In

49:01

fact, I was only listening to my

49:03

second ever episode when I heard your

49:05

call for stories about things being inserted

49:07

into places. They shouldn't be. And I

49:09

simply couldn't resist. Welcome, babe. Although I

49:11

am a nurse, unfortunately, it is in

49:13

my private life where I've had the

49:15

misfortune of experiencing many a tale of

49:17

forbidden bottom stretch. You

49:21

see, something about me seems to attract

49:23

revolving heterosexual men who within a few

49:25

weeks of dating share what they believe

49:27

to be their darkest, dirty secret. They

49:30

all like a bit of rectal stimulation. And not

49:32

a mendo. They seem to think this is the

49:34

biggest to be on Earth and that there's some

49:36

sort of sexual oddity by enjoying it, which in

49:38

my experience is far from the truth. Safe

49:41

to say, I've had countless men share nuggets

49:44

of information with me over the years, but

49:46

only a special few have remained in my

49:48

memory for all the wrong reasons. Take,

49:51

for example, my first serious boyfriend who one

49:53

day told me that when

49:55

in the bath, he liked to anally

49:57

satisfy himself with a long forgotten... with

50:04

a long forgotten pay-mer-bill boat

50:07

which used to belong to his

50:09

younger sister. Talk about

50:13

putting the mask in masturbation.

50:18

Yes, that's right. He used to

50:20

insert the pointy mask of a

50:23

sad looking plastic boat into his

50:25

bum while having a safe in

50:27

the south. Bad little

50:30

boat. I've

50:32

been thinking about a kid's bath

50:34

choice now as well. I'm like, hot size.

50:37

Right. I then had bad thoughts.

50:39

Stop. Stop it. Oh, God. Right. I then

50:42

had the best

50:54

thought of dating another grothy

50:57

little man who sent me a selection

51:00

of sexy bitches one

51:06

evening, heavy emphasis on the

51:09

inverted commas over sexy there.

51:11

I can only imagine it was

51:14

a slip of the finger in

51:16

his haste to send me his

51:18

pictures that he'd accidentally attached an

51:20

image that was only intended for

51:22

his personal viewing. No, alongside a

51:25

standard yet hugely unflattering pick pick

51:27

of his strangely. Imagine the

51:32

green gold shimmer of

51:37

nearly a bunch of

51:40

luxury. Which came in

51:45

the nickname, Santa ham.

51:48

He sent me

51:52

another picture and

51:54

it was him Naked. It

52:01

from the word fans are wearing only

52:03

a t shirt like is set to

52:05

the demented Winnie the Pooh. Delaying.

52:12

Sauce on do end of

52:15

a round toothbrush address Sadrists

52:17

which is seventy inserted into

52:19

his back passes. Some

52:22

a ham and assailants the to

52:25

just sit for a t shirt

52:27

the tar brush crossing sleaze. Also

52:29

saw Zeb the time know peasant

52:31

girl. I have to admit.

52:34

That. In mine either way I do

52:36

have fallen prey to the lure

52:38

of the said abuse impose some

52:40

such as his son bus in

52:42

that he had a rise in

52:44

my early twenties I was naive

52:46

and eager to please personality sites

52:48

that have thankfully one of us

52:50

to sixteen years of and success

52:52

until he say assess My boyfriend

52:54

at the time wanted to experiment

52:56

in the bedroom leading to be

52:58

brothers foolish see agreeing to insert.

53:03

Of the Galaxy ritual bath

53:05

into my vagina us in

53:07

the name of sexual exploration.

53:10

Safe. To say it became relatively

53:13

apparent that the sajil shocks it's

53:15

is no max the my body

53:17

temperature and I spent the next

53:19

few hours cleaning amount of mass.

53:22

From. Both myself and my to

53:24

stained power co host cells cause

53:26

us. To. To trust or.

53:30

Staying pants we hadn't even put in

53:32

the freezer. I have no idea what

53:34

I was thinking. Oh why common sense

53:36

defies me at that moment. Safe to

53:39

say Isn't Face addict his and boyfriend

53:41

see and went in but then let

53:43

us say is I'm glad it was

53:46

my own time I wasted the not

53:48

lost some for horrified and it has

53:50

left us And it's also safe to

53:52

say. and remember to

53:55

only use appropriately design sex

53:57

toys of boston treasures I

54:00

can't wait to catch up on all the episodes I've

54:02

missed so far and do please keep me anonymous for

54:04

the sake of my professional

54:06

dignity. Love, f***. Do you know

54:08

what, it's just the emergence of this guy with his

54:11

Winnie the Pooh t-shirt and a hairbrush sticking out with

54:13

Bob. It's Winnie the Pooh and the hairbrush that really

54:16

sand the ham with his iridescent gone

54:18

off luncheon meat. Brilliant. Oh,

54:21

that was a cork of faffy. Remember,

54:24

if you want to get in touch, you can email us through

54:26

our other [email protected] or drop us a WhatsApp on www.745.2.6.947. Oh, it's

54:29

going to be the right good mood that. Right, new story. Oh,

54:31

this is so sad. You know what I'm saying? First news

54:33

story of the day. This was really, really sad last week.

54:36

We all love a, we will have a pet and a

54:38

horse, but the horses that got loose last week in central

54:46

London, very scary scenes. It shut

54:48

down pretty much that most of London, like, can

54:50

you believe it? Like you've all seen the story

54:52

guys. They were moved by builders. The

54:55

Calvary were out exercising their horses as they

54:57

do most mornings and it spooked

55:00

them. Five of them legged it. They

55:02

were smashing into buses. They ran for six miles. I know.

55:05

And they were really, two of them were very injured.

55:07

I was actually keeping up with it. Now how, I

55:09

saw a news article yesterday saying that all horses will

55:11

be most probably removed now

55:13

from service. They won't be able to serve

55:15

again. No. They'll be too

55:17

scared. They'll be too rehomed. And they'll be totally

55:19

traumatized from this. Awful. For the

55:21

rest of the horse's life. Awful. The horses

55:23

are the ones that were covered in blood. I

55:26

think two of them were doing surgery.

55:28

Yeah. Yeah. I

55:31

read that. I don't know if there's been

55:34

an update on that, but yeah, one soldier

55:36

was injured and another member of the

55:38

public was

55:40

spotted on a pavement. A construction worker told the

55:42

Telegraph I saw a soldier falling

55:45

down into the street after the horse ran into a

55:47

car. And one of my colleagues called the police and

55:50

he hit the floor hard. He was screaming in pain. He was

55:52

really hurt and falling off the horse. Cool, doesn't it just? It

55:55

was absolute mayhem. It was really scoped. But

56:01

yeah, we don't really know how they are,

56:03

but they're all back. They've been obviously getting

56:05

the best care they have. I saw a

56:07

couple of articles saying that those two horses

56:10

in particular are under God's extended treatment. Yeah,

56:12

I heard that. And yeah, we just hope

56:14

they're okay. And but they are, they bolted

56:16

for six miles. They end up in bloody

56:18

Aldwych, mate. Which is a long

56:20

ass way in London. Really? I mean,

56:22

I've been bolted with the horse for

56:25

a couple of miles, but that's fucking

56:28

fud. Those horses must have been

56:30

absolutely fine. I just

56:33

don't know how appropriate it is anymore

56:35

to have livestock like that.

56:37

And you know, the times have changed, like

56:39

gone are the days of, and I know

56:41

we like to keep this tradition alive and

56:43

all that, but I just, I question how

56:47

appropriate it is for things that I think

56:49

you'd be better off having police

56:52

on Segways and, you know,

56:54

police on motorbikes to

56:57

do that kind of work. These

56:59

ones, I think for a lot

57:01

of the pageantry that as well.

57:03

Is that not outdated now? It

57:05

is a debate that has to

57:07

go, you know, all the big

57:09

new shows to do. It's very

57:11

traumatic and totally unnecessary. But

57:14

anyway, I think all horses are well and

57:16

have received treatment. Do you know what I

57:18

thought in a weird way though, what I

57:20

liked about it is that, you know, everybody

57:22

without fail was really concerned about that. No

57:24

one wants to see an animal in pain

57:26

or injured. And I thought, you

57:28

know, there was such concern for that. You know, the

57:30

whole of London shut down. I remember I was going

57:32

into London that day and actually, you know, usually cab

57:35

drivers get really pissed off with it. But no one

57:37

was pissed off that London was shut down. It was

57:39

all like, got to get their horses safe. I wonder

57:41

how they if they darted them to instigated them to

57:43

capture them or if they just came to a standstill.

57:46

If I was in London that day, I would

57:48

have caught the horse and rode it and caught

57:50

and rounded the other ones up. You

57:53

know, I would have had those like weird

57:55

daydreams. Yes, if I did this. Yeah. Well,

57:57

I like weird daydreams like that. Yeah,

58:00

I don't. Anyway, right. This is a

58:02

hilarious story. Hilarious. I got sent to

58:04

us by hundreds of people. Yeah. It

58:07

was in Brazil, I think. Yeah. And

58:10

the niece of a dead man, she basically

58:12

wheeled him into a bank

58:15

and was trying to get her to sign

58:17

off a loan at a

58:19

bank in Brazil. But he was dead.

58:21

He snuffed it a few hours before

58:23

that. Yeah. The staff became suspicious because...

58:27

There's a dead man in a wheelchair at the

58:29

front then? It was quite obvious, I think. Yeah.

58:31

She was holding a pen

58:33

between his fingers and trying to

58:35

get him to sign off a

58:37

loan for around about £2,600. And

58:42

the staff said he didn't look well. She

58:45

said, no, he's like that. And

58:48

then she started talking to him saying, if

58:50

you're not well, I can take you to

58:52

the hospital. Do you want to go to

58:54

the hospital again? Knowing that he's been dead

58:56

for around two hours. Funny guys, right? But

58:58

I've seen a dead body before, right? Yeah.

59:00

And there is something very dead looking about

59:02

a dead body. Like, you know how you

59:04

get some people that are very ill and

59:06

not lucid? But there is a very different

59:08

look to someone who had died. Like he

59:10

would have... Alright, he even saw with Nana,

59:12

like after half an hour after she died,

59:14

you could go. You could suddenly... All the

59:16

feet start to sink in. I

59:18

was at the pub and Obama, he

59:21

told me... There was loads of

59:23

stuff, loads of stories. Right. Well, that's it.

59:25

He also told me to change his identity

59:27

for the pub. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Well, so

59:29

like I say, this is a bizarre story.

59:31

Like I say, I think a dead body,

59:33

a corpse really does look like a corpse

59:35

the minute they've gone. So yeah,

59:37

it's a bizarre story. It's very odd. Weird. I

59:40

mean, who anyone who thinks they could get away

59:42

with that. It's a great Nana story. And we

59:44

love you, Lufanians, because you say we all got

59:46

flooded with our DMs on that one, as well

59:48

as all the abbreviations of Menti B. I seem

59:50

to have got a lot of DMs about Menti

59:52

B's at the moment. Oh, God. Thanks. Menti B. Right.

59:55

It is time for... It's

59:57

a widow of the Weheeka.

1:00:00

Ah, my buddy, she says, Hi

1:00:02

Loana and Imo, I feel like I may qualify for

1:00:04

weirdo of the week, it's a tough comp out there.

1:00:06

I feel like this is a strong contender. So in

1:00:08

the shower, I'm having my daily wash and yes, I

1:00:11

need a wee. I'm the girl who pees in the

1:00:13

shower, no shame, but as I'm peeing I suddenly have...

1:00:15

Oh no, don't shit in the shower. No,

1:00:18

I suddenly have the poo urge and before

1:00:20

I even thought about it, there I am

1:00:22

slightly squatting to catch the poo with one

1:00:25

log, not two logs. Why didn't she go

1:00:27

to the toilet? I could have just

1:00:29

jumped out of the shower and sat on

1:00:31

the toilet, but I didn't. Oh my God, what

1:00:33

a great feeling. Straight out clean mum just threw

1:00:35

the shit down the loop. Love you all, no

1:00:38

need to keep me alone. I'm Becky from Plymouth.

1:00:40

Wow, she's owning that, isn't she old Bec? Respect

1:00:42

for the ownership. Respect, Becky. Sort

1:00:44

of thought whilst reading that. Tempting.

1:00:47

No, use that toilet. I'm

1:00:50

intrigued. I'm intrigued. Because

1:00:52

I did like it when I was in Morocco

1:00:54

and stuff, shitting outside without a

1:00:56

toilet. Would you catch it? I

1:00:59

don't think I'd want to hold it. I've

1:01:01

never held a poo other than my child.

1:01:03

I have no issue with like a horse

1:01:05

poo and stuff though and duck poo. But

1:01:07

female... Don't love cat poo. No, fecal matter

1:01:09

of a human is revolting. I've had

1:01:11

to pick up one of the kids turds and it is, it's horrible.

1:01:13

Oh well. Anyway, right, we've

1:01:15

got another one in from Rose Marie. Let's see

1:01:18

who's weirder. She says, Hi, I've just listened to

1:01:20

the episode where the girl's dad had kept a

1:01:22

cremated pony in his boot for six months and

1:01:24

you were all finding it weird. Well, my dad

1:01:26

died in 2014 and has

1:01:28

been in my boot ever since. Oh. His

1:01:31

ashes. I tried to scatter him once, but

1:01:33

there were dog walkers there giving me funny

1:01:35

looks and it all felt really impersonal. So

1:01:37

I just stopped. Now I just can't

1:01:39

decide where to scatter him and he's been there

1:01:41

for so long. I kind of like that he

1:01:43

comes everywhere with me and his grandsons who he

1:01:45

never got to meet. And I feel like I

1:01:47

just can't take him out. They must get a

1:01:49

right shock when I get my car piloted. Please

1:01:52

call me Rose Marie after my lovely granny. So

1:01:54

I'm also Juicy Lucy who sent you a

1:01:58

picture of my dry breath. milk pit.

1:02:01

Oh yeah. And she says, I haven't got

1:02:03

implants as you suspected by the way, Louisa.

1:02:05

Sent that back in jam to us. So

1:02:08

yeah, thank you, Juicy Lucy slash

1:02:10

Rosemary. I love that

1:02:13

you carry your dad's ashes in the car. I think

1:02:16

Becky carrying the shit is weirder. So

1:02:18

congratulations to Yau. Don't do that. Also,

1:02:20

I just want to say I'm very

1:02:22

happy this week that I have made a

1:02:24

new friend Carrie and that I

1:02:26

patched up. I'm not happy

1:02:29

that Nelson and Ellie

1:02:31

died. And we did a

1:02:33

funeral for the kids. We actually got

1:02:35

big spades and dug up the ground. Wow.

1:02:38

I got footage. Listen, it's the circle of love. We

1:02:40

made a gravestone and we put them in a box

1:02:42

and it was a whole thing. I think

1:02:44

it's good to teach kids about life and death.

1:02:47

It's very, very important to teach, Jordan, if it

1:02:49

is. Anyway, so that's nearly

1:02:51

it. But we have got our new segment,

1:02:53

Lou Anna Love. This

1:02:59

is from an anonymous. She

1:03:02

says, Hello, tossers. Lovely. I

1:03:06

was a new listener in May this year

1:03:08

and last week marked the momentous occasion that

1:03:10

I officially caught up. Oh,

1:03:12

well done. Yes, you've read that right.

1:03:15

Three years worth of episodes in six

1:03:17

months. Wow. I can't decide if

1:03:19

I'm an absolute hero or a complete fucking loser who

1:03:21

needs to get a life. The

1:03:23

former disclaimer. I didn't go as far

1:03:25

as including loose lips because well, fuck

1:03:27

that. That

1:03:30

was like the proper OG back in the rookie

1:03:32

days. I might go back and listen to that.

1:03:34

Our first ever episode. We should

1:03:36

do that. We obviously didn't know each other as well

1:03:38

back then either. We should do that. We

1:03:41

should do that on, sorry, on Friday when

1:03:44

we go for our massages. Let's see

1:03:46

we should drive from there to lunch

1:03:48

and listen. Let's do that. We'll do that.

1:03:51

Or on Wednesday when Ima is over. We should

1:03:53

just have it on in the background. Anyway,

1:03:56

sorry, carry on. My

1:03:58

all time favourite episode has to be the hair. removal

1:04:00

cream review from the guy who shot a frozen

1:04:02

Brussels sprout out of his ass across the kitchen

1:04:04

after hearing his wife scream at the sight of

1:04:06

him with his balls in the ice cream. Please

1:04:09

bring back the funny review section. Anyway,

1:04:12

on a serious note, my husband and I

1:04:14

have been struggling with infertility for three years

1:04:16

now and I was

1:04:19

probably at the lowest point I've ever been when

1:04:21

I started listening. You girls have picked me up,

1:04:23

brought me pure joy and had me in stitches

1:04:25

at a time when I wasn't sure I could

1:04:27

even go on, so thank you from

1:04:29

the bottom of my heart. I hope you know

1:04:32

how much joy you bring us all. Please keep me

1:04:34

a nun in case anyone from my work listens

1:04:36

and realizes I spend most of my days listening

1:04:38

to your podcast back. Yes,

1:04:40

I pronounce Pete's, I

1:04:42

pronounce Peter Andre the same as

1:04:45

Lou. We're right. PPS, I

1:04:47

cannot ever skip the ads

1:04:49

at the end anymore in case I

1:04:51

miss a bit of secret squirrely. Well,

1:04:54

that is lovely. Thank you so

1:04:56

much and that is a brilliant conclusion to

1:04:58

this Monday's episode but don't worry we are

1:05:00

here next Monday and if you don't want

1:05:03

to wait until then on Thursday we do

1:05:05

have Lou Anna Tote Extra. For that we

1:05:07

always need you. Are wonderful Lou

1:05:09

Fanny, as you can send your emails in to run

1:05:11

the [email protected], hop onto WhatsApp, send us a voice note

1:05:13

or a message, our number is 07745, 2.6947. Also don't

1:05:15

forget to head over to our

1:05:20

website, everythinglouanna.com, and hit the sign

1:05:22

up to sign up to our

1:05:25

big news that being announced very

1:05:27

soon, you will be the first to

1:05:29

know when you're on that mainliness and

1:05:31

it also gives you first access to

1:05:34

tickets for events. If it is an

1:05:36

event and it is there are tickets!

1:05:39

Do subscribe to our pod as well, as

1:05:41

someone else get them on board. Come on,

1:05:43

let's build this Lou Fanny an army. We'd

1:05:46

love a five-star review if you'd be an

1:05:48

absolute belter and review and we'll see you

1:05:50

Thursday. Bye for now. you