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This week's life note finding and holding on to those who are willing to walk through the fire with us.

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Welcome to Life Notes from Chair 17,

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a podcast dedicated to sharing life stories,

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wisdoms and inspirations as we navigate life's journey,

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post chas to share thoughtful perspectives and insights from her own life journey.

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As well as those of special guests, contributors tune in for thoughtful conversations about lessons learned wisdoms,

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gained experiences, had and inspirations shared.

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So you never miss an episode. Now enjoy this week's episode.

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All righty. Welcome back in friends to another episode of the Life Notes from Chair 17.

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I'm your host, Ch and I thank you once again as always for finding me in this corner of the podcast universe.

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And as our returning c 17 years know,

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I always like to start off by thanking you for your continued support and tuning in each week.

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This also includes our new uh sampling of international listeners.

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So thank you so much, really appreciate the support.

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And if you happen to be tuning in for the first time,

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maybe you have just found us on one of the major podcast platforms or you are tuning in from our website Life Notes from True 17 podcast.com.

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A warm welcome in to you.

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Thank you for wanting to check us out. Hope you like what you hear and you will want to continue to tune in.

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And I have to admit that this episode is uh at the time that I am recording this,

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it is a little bit odd and a little bit strange.

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And I say that because you know the old saying of life imitating art or art imitating life.

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Uh at the time, I now have to go back and re listens to our living through a layoff episode.

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Given that I myself have just recently received the news that I am facing the fourth layoff of my career and I will not lie and just like I said in that episode,

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it is jarring and it is emotional,

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it is difficult, it completely knocks you sideways and it does make you question just about everything.

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And in particular, for me,

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as I've done some reflecting since getting the news,

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uh this one does hit harder and heavier than the ones in the past and the ones that I referenced in that episode,

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given this one is coming on the heels of an incredibly difficult year,

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unfortunately, included the passing away of our peer and colleague and my former manager.

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And I can honestly say I have not gone through that in my working life and the loss of her as a visionary and as an advocate for so many of us.

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It's really something I can't quite put into words right now actually,

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because she was so good at it.

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And arguably, I don't know that I appreciated it when she was doing it because she did it so well without calling attention to it.

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And as I talked about in our brief Encounters episode,

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which was the episode I did as a tribute to her.

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It, it really is, is and was so amazing of how much she did look after her people and how much she had a very grounded uh never give up approach to navigating this kind of situation.

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And I will fully admit I'm missing that right now and I'm missing her a lot right now.

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And so as I find myself once again on the receiving end of a layoff notice,

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there is a need to really find the right levels of I'm gonna call it emotional support,

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but also sort of mental support and just psychological support as,

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as you run the gamut. And if you have not listened to that episode,

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uh it was only recorded not very long ago.

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So I think it's just a few episodes back.

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I talk more in depth about it in that episode.

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Uh It is really important to reach out to your network,

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uh reach out to family and friends as well,

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or when they do check in on you to respond and let them know how you're doing.

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Uh But the support is, is a key I think to getting through it.

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And it is not the kind of support that I think all of us facing this would really wish came our way,

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which is, hey, yes, I have a job for you. Here you go.

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Now, it's really leaning into those people who are willing to see and support you during a tremendously low point during when you are probably at one of your most vulnerable and you may not be in the best headspace or what I'm gonna call this the best heart space.

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And these folks really are the ones that end up showing a willingness to walk through sort of this life fire that we're going through in the moment and sidebar.

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This does make me think of the song by Vicetone called Walk Through Fire where the main line of the chorus is,

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I'll walk through fire with you and you know,

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me with music, I always tend to look to it for inspiration and,

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or reminders of how to keep moving forward.

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So as I reflect on this notion of finding people who really are going to walk through the fire with you in those tough times.

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It's also made me think more broadly about how many of the people in our lives do do this and are willing to pick up or help pick up all the broken pieces when life does cut really deep.

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And I don't know about your circles,

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but I have observed in mine at a couple of different junctures in my life,

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the way that certain people react to either myself or other people in our circle going through a really tough time.

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Like how do those people who now hear you say to them?

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Well, hey, I just got laid off or hey,

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I'm getting a divorce or hey,

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you know, fill in the blank, whatever the struggle is,

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do they extend their hand to you or do they just sort of pat you on the back and you know,

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offers some kind of words of support,

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but they, they aren't necessarily gonna jump into the fire with you and they,

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they'll watch you from the sidelines, maybe hope that you get through it in the end.

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But they're not the ones that are gonna sort of be your ride at dawn,

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kind of support. And for the people that genuinely do jump in and find true,

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authentic ways to really give grace and space and support.

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That is such a gift. And we are,

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if you have that and if you have been able to have that in life,

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it's something to cherish. But I know from my own experience.

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So speaking only for, for me,

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but it may resonate with you.

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There are those that don't do that or they think they are doing that,

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but they're actually really not. And in my experience that perhaps goes something like,

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oh my gosh, I'm so so sorry. This is so horrible.

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You know, let me know what you need and that,

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that sort of let me know what you need ending of that.

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Reach out. Wow.

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I'm sure that that person likely intends.

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Well, it puts the burden on the person in the struggle and it does.

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So perhaps without remembering that that person may or may not even know what they need in the moment or how to articulate that need.

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And I was just talking about this with another friend who is also recently been laid off.

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Shout out Jamie, if you're listening. It's funny how uh we just met a few weeks ago uh for lunch and I was giving you all the advice that I now need to follow myself or words of encouragement.

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Uh But we both have had kind of the same reaction as we've been talking about our different experiences and we feel that it really becomes a,

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a lot more helpful to actively provide the support to the person in the struggle than to ask them to define it for you.

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So, because again, you know,

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maybe that person that's just really going through it,

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they, they can't do that at a given moment.

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It doesn't mean that they don't want your help or they're not,

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you know, grateful for whatever that support looks like.

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But they might be just having a hard time figuring out where to even start or how to even ask.

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And when I extrapolate on that even further,

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it's really brought up something else that again,

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speaking for myself in my own circle.

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But maybe this also resonates for you. It's this idea that sometimes when people do not know what to do to support someone in a true time of challenge and,

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and sometimes this is really when it's a hard challenge,

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however, and whatever hard challenges and defined for that person,

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they sometimes ultimately end up doing nothing at all.

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Or they, they keep a very arm's distance.

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It's almost as if the realness or the rawness of whatever the person is struggling with is something maybe they can't relate to or they haven't had any experience with or maybe they just don't want to take it into their lives and while they're probably not intending to just disappear,

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they, they sort of end up ghosting the person who really needs that support and it can be super soul crushing.

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If you have never had that happen to you, you're very lucky.

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But if you have had it happen to you,

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then you do know what I'm talking about.

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And it's made me wonder, have we ever really stopped to think about or realize how damaging that can be to the person needing support or how confusing that is?

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And I, I've talked about this with a couple of other good friends,

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Nina, if you are listening, which I know you are a shout out to you.

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And she once said it really simply and brilliantly.

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Uh one time, I don't know,

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I think it was a couple of years ago during one of our get togethers and one of our walks and she said,

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you know, I, I think I was thanking her in the moment.

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I said you were one of the few people that really hung in there with me and really seem to know how to just strike that right balance of support and help and encouragement,

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not overbearing, not giving me a laundry list of things to do.

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And she said, I know or at the time,

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she said, I know what you were going through because I've been through it myself and it sounds so simple,

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but it is really true. And I think it's something that I'm realizing perhaps later in life,

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which is there is only a handful of people who do indeed have something in their own life experience that allows them to sort of selflessly jump in and walk through the fire with somebody else and that they are truly willing to both hear and see the need and respond to that need in a way that has them feeling as if they are really right next to us and they don't wait for the struggle to be finished and everything goes back to being just fine.

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They really are. OK, being in it with us and I don't know,

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as a younger person, I saw this difference,

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but as I have been processing and thinking,

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of course, you come across a quote in moments like this that really stands out and I just found this,

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I think it was maybe a day or two ago and it goes like this and I will put the author's name which I sadly cannot pronounce and I don't want to butcher it as I am recording this episode.

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So it will be in the show notes. But the quote goes like this.

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I no longer look for the good in people.

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I search for the real because while the good is often dressed in fake clothing,

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the real is naked and proud no matter the scars.

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And I think there is some truth in this now.

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It might sound harsh because I do think that good and real can be found together.

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I don't think I want to abandon the concept of not looking for the good in people.

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That's personally my choice. But I do sometimes believe we might overestimate good intent and that it sadly just ends there with intent with no real action or follow through.

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And at least in these days right now,

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I'm trying to surround myself with those who are in it no matter what,

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not just when times are good that they are willing to look behind the curtain,

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maybe unpack the baggage as it were check under and behind in the dark corners,

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not run away, not get freaked out.

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And if you have happened to always have had this kind of support system in place,

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whether it is your family or a strong network of friends who have been that ride at dawn kind of group or the walk through fire with you kind of person or persons hold on to them and honor them,

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cherish them. Thank them randomly.

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Maybe, you know, it's been a few years since they were there for you,

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but just truly hold on to them because they are rare.

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But if you have yet to find them in your life or you have yet to be able to truly surround yourself with those kind of people.

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They are out there for me.

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It has taken a while to find them and it has spanned several years.

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My dear friend Vicki, shout out if you are listening is someone I have known for over 20 plus years and didn't come to know her until I was,

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I think in my thirties and she does not live in the same state.

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I live in. Uh ironically,

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we have literally only met and seen each other once in real life.

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So a throwback to the era of almost um when you used to have pen pals.

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I don't know. I'm dating myself, I'm sure um obviously we're not writing letters to each other today,

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but we, we have formed a bond and a friendship over this period of time.

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That is absolutely one of those people that will walk through the fire with me.

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She asks very selflessly as she can help,

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wants to find little ways of support. She doesn't really shy away from the struggle because as she has just recently told me,

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she has been through it herself.

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And these friends, these fire walkers,

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if you will have taught me through this process of,

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of really finding them that it is important as the struggler or the person in the moment going through it,

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of showing vulnerability to trust and to honestly respond to the question when they do ask,

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how can I help you or what can I do to help?

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And that as the struggler to be grateful that they are asking because they are showing real intent to help keep your spirits afloat.

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Even when we, as the struggler might not be able to know what that looks like for ourselves.

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And conversely, this has also made me very conscious of how I offer support and help to others.

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And I think this comes from,

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you know, when you have gone through it yourself,

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you understand it differently than maybe someone who hasn't.

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And so you ask different questions or you respond with a different energy,

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you aren't afraid of the fire.

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And I do want to say to be fair.

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I'm not suggesting that everyone everywhere all at once jump into the fires of everyone around them and start burning themselves in the interest of being helpful and perhaps detriment to their own lives.

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That's not what I'm suggesting and that isn't even possible and sometimes that support isn't even,

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you know, what you can provide. It's more like maybe you need to help someone find a treatment plan or you need to help them find a different level of maybe professional support,

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right? That there are, there are gamuts of this.

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What I'm sharing in this episode is it is a reflection to think about that.

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There are going to be those people out there who are willing to see you through some of your darker moments or your scarier moments in your harder moments,

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they are not going to run away, they are not gonna get scared,

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they are not gonna keep you at arm's length,

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they're gonna show up, they're gonna ask how to help you.

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If there is no answer, they're probably gonna offer to do something or want to offer to do something.

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And those people are likely going to reveal themselves to us when we are indeed in the hardest time.

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And we share our vulnerability in that time.

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And conversely, there are going to be others that fade off to the side of the fire or just cut to the end and meet you on the other side once you've gone through it and you probably wanna make note of both the ones who walk through the fire with you and those that don't.

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And you probably want to decide which ones to spend time and energies on and,

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or which ones that influence how you give your energy to others.

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Because if you are lucky enough to have an entire family or friend network of what we'll call these fire walkers,

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then you will learn from them and you will likely end up being that firewalker to someone else.

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And I can honestly say that that will be a true gift to whomever is fortunate enough to receive it in that moment that they need it the most.

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So there you have it walking through the fire,

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finding those who are going to do that with you.

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Let me know if you have those in your life and how that they,

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how they have perhaps really helped you or bullied you in a time when you really needed it.

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As always, I ask you to be kind to yourself to take it one hour at a time,

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one day at a time and I will see you next time.

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Thank you for tuning in to another episode of life notes from chair 17.

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Remember to follow and subscribe. So you never miss an episode.

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We'll see you next time.