0:00

The impact of a loving and consistent

0:02

partner is a lifelong therapy session. It

0:04

really transforms you. Here's a key problem.

0:06

Unfortunately, we're living in a paradox of

0:09

mental health. We have quick fixed solutions

0:11

to what we think our fundamental needs

0:13

are. What pornography and social media has

0:15

done has escalated what we desire in

0:17

a partner. If someone doesn't meet our

0:20

needs initially, we replace them. As a

0:22

result, we've got an epidemic of loneliness.

0:24

So we're putting all the pressure on

0:26

finding this one person to meet every

0:29

need. That one person is in a sea of

0:31

millions and we don't even know if they're going to like us

0:33

back. Do you think we're wired for monogamy? I

0:35

would say there's two types of men in the world.

0:37

I would say some men. So

0:39

I don't know if I fully agree. Tell me, what

0:41

do you think? I know we want the

0:43

best, but why do we want the best

0:46

in terms of aesthetics? Why not we want

0:48

the best in terms of treatment? Shouldn't your

0:50

full potential be somebody who loves you and

0:52

worships you and wants to be with you?

0:55

The joy you get from choosing a woman

0:57

who's truly attracted to you, who truly wants

0:59

to be with you is an irreplaceable feeling.

1:07

Hey everyone, welcome back to Know Thyself.

1:10

I'm excited to be sitting down

1:12

today with a psychologist and relationship

1:14

coach who has devoted her social

1:16

online presence to supporting individuals and

1:18

couples in regards to modern relationships,

1:21

happiness, healing, so much that I'm excited

1:23

to dive into today. Satya Khan, thanks

1:25

for being here. Thank you so much for having me.

1:28

Yeah, the pleasure is mine. Let's

1:30

dive right in. We live in

1:32

a very interesting time. We have this

1:34

fundamental need for human connection and intimacy.

1:37

How do you see through the lens of mental health,

1:40

juxtaposing really our need,

1:43

our intrinsic need that we

1:45

all have for connection and

1:47

intimacy versus modern society's infinite

1:49

access to fickle and dopaminergic

1:52

substitutions for intimacy? Unfortunately,

1:55

we're living in a paradox of mental

1:57

health. We have A quick fix.

2:00

Solution to what we think I'll fundamental

2:02

needs are so we've been told us

2:04

we have no we need connection but

2:06

when of connection we've kind of in

2:08

have a society which breaks down connection

2:10

an artificially inseminate connection and always save

2:13

them for whether that through social media

2:15

as he no longer have phone calls

2:17

or face to face conversations and actual

2:19

inspect connections and said you keep in

2:21

touch by dissing pictures and videos and

2:24

breeding a bit of rolling connection with

2:26

the people you truly love of breeding

2:28

of and judgments of with people. Rather

2:30

than actually connecting to them or

2:32

if you're craving emotional intimacy with

2:35

the opposite gender with the same

2:37

gender with partnerships you have dating

2:39

apps which kind a severed the

2:41

investment required for relations because everybody

2:43

becomes disposable. Everybody seems like you

2:45

know that the big reasons judge

2:48

the misaligned superficially and even does

2:50

everything. in Liberia we're supposed to

2:52

practice three outs of in order

2:54

to breed connections you need. Skill

2:56

is like investment patients a commitment

2:59

but we've got. Sauce fashion, fast

3:01

food deliveries, Everything that's creating impatience

3:03

in a human beings, which then

3:05

we take that skill and apply

3:07

it to human connection. Which essentially

3:09

means if someone doesn't meet our

3:11

needs initially or immediately, we replace

3:13

them. and as a result, we've

3:15

got an epidemic of loneliness. We

3:18

have this biological need obviously that's evolves

3:20

before it's human connection. So many these

3:22

these things like we're speaking to modern

3:24

society is giving us he's quick fixes

3:27

but ah that that give us a

3:29

momentary says a dog meat or satisfaction

3:31

but does it ultimately for fill us

3:33

in the way that we need to

3:35

have a healthy mind and healthy body

3:38

and like sustain that for like longevity

3:40

wise and so there's money for forza

3:42

this through social media tic toc pornography

3:44

about really create the solution to would

3:47

then becomes a problem. And so when

3:49

your coach working with individuals and you're

3:51

supporting people that are struggling with that.

3:54

Whether. It's a dixon to social media.

3:56

Men: With pornography or whatever it is.

3:59

What Do You do? The help them actually move the

4:01

needle and then come back and to relating

4:03

with those healthy forms of canucks out. Of

4:05

the unasur the I'm starting myself. yeah I'll

4:08

be very own answer that because here's a

4:10

here's a key problem. I'm children are addicted

4:12

to pornography is not an adult. Problems is

4:14

a child or children problem? They they use

4:17

their young playing video games at. So they

4:19

start with addiction to video games and that

4:21

becomes very difficult to know. see the pop

4:23

ups and then they start watching photography and

4:26

by the time the eighteen they've got some

4:28

on a dick since the didn't realize it's

4:30

an addict since the you're competing with now

4:32

they chartered and they're They're complete habits that

4:34

you can't. Really compete with that. The main

4:37

thing is done some men and women

4:39

but particularly to men is we can

4:41

all find connection. We think it's really

4:43

hard but we can all find connections

4:45

if we simply and like what like

4:47

us if with simply you know in

4:49

a for reciprocity we want what once

4:51

ours we stay within our level. I

4:53

don't mean that in an insult but

4:55

it would be a point a strategy

4:57

for me to one a you know

4:59

like a complete superstar and be like

5:01

know Chris Brown has to be with

5:03

me Up there is the if I

5:05

stay. My level: somebody who works in

5:07

a similar industry, somebody looks similar to

5:09

meet somebody is like that and we'll

5:11

all find partners. But what for know

5:13

Griffin Social Media has done has escalated

5:15

what we desire in apartments and as

5:17

a result we think we're super lonely.

5:19

We think there's nobody out there for

5:21

us. The essentially is there are people

5:24

out there for us but way we

5:26

classify selecting people who are on a

5:28

similar level as settling and therefore we

5:30

keep aiming higher and higher, thinking that

5:32

the bar is higher and higher and

5:34

as a result we. End up lonely

5:36

when really we could just sister desire

5:38

to the people who invest in us

5:40

and focus our attention there. But we're

5:42

constantly focusing our attention on m things

5:44

that we've seen online and things that

5:46

we've seen other people, dates, and therefore

5:48

we lack the actual intimacy and connection.

5:50

and we don't look for reciprocity anymore.

5:52

So that's why people are struggling a

5:54

little bit. nonsense. Yeah, I've always

5:57

thought that even when I have you know,

5:59

some senses of. The letter G or you

6:01

know rumination in the past like this simply

6:03

going in nature me I could connecting with

6:05

real soil and like a real world as

6:08

I know I'd like to say what we

6:10

make it to be this catastrophic thing that

6:12

we need to have an existential solution for.

6:14

but really like decisions are so simple and

6:17

is giving our human biology would an incessant.

6:19

Thought I'll have a menace addicted to pornography.

6:21

Knew that I have no luck with guns

6:23

at no luck with doubts and I said

6:25

mckenna Ghazi thing for and it will be

6:27

a sweet a supermodel at that lives in

6:29

a different country it's and he's in his

6:31

mom's basement at a he's not looking often

6:33

self and he's like the at those go

6:35

there like me. I'm so lonely I'm like

6:37

that said that there will be than girls

6:40

at Do Like A you just don't want

6:42

to attach to what is available to it's

6:44

So what's happening is with forming artificial connections

6:46

with people who are out of our league

6:48

and nestle. We're experiencing continuous rejects an

6:50

hour trying to buy passage X and

6:52

by using only fans are subscriptions of

6:54

Number Fi An. As a result we

6:56

can't get the human connection because human

6:59

nature and human connection requires those emotions

7:01

like projects and investment commitments. I was

7:03

getting all of that and then just

7:05

getting to the outcome. which is we

7:07

get sh outcome. Of just sexual pleasure

7:09

for time. so was the differences in the

7:11

balance of what men versus women need for

7:13

self control and authenticity. A hunt for

7:16

men. As men and women I would say

7:18

self control with the the are of self

7:20

control is having a vision. That's all it

7:22

is. It's not so much being restricted base

7:25

understanding where you want yourself to be in

7:27

the future and visualizing what your outcome of

7:29

life who would look like and then using

7:31

that as a motivator to didn't inform your

7:34

decisions and will I mean by this is

7:36

I You know I like food idol enjoys

7:38

or types of foods that because I might

7:41

have a vision of how I want my

7:43

body to look that long term vision. of

7:45

what i wear i see myself is a

7:47

motivator for me now to succumb to my

7:49

desires right mouse similarly you might love sex

7:51

a peaceful bells or so unsafe what's that

7:53

you want a marriage with kids and you

7:55

want to maintain up not a rebate that

7:57

some men want that they want to committed

8:00

long lasting relationship. So you have to

8:02

control what you currently desire for your

8:04

long term vision of yourself. And

8:06

when people forget their outcomes and their

8:08

long term visions and they forget what

8:11

in the long term could be worst

8:13

case scenario, long term it could be

8:15

being really over where out of shape

8:17

in a really unhappy situation, they forget

8:19

that that's a real consequence of short

8:21

like current decisions. That's how they get

8:23

into a lack of self control. But

8:25

if you just remind yourself that you

8:27

owe your future self good decision making

8:29

today, it will enable some good decision

8:31

making. In terms of

8:33

authenticity, I think what most and I

8:35

think a lot of women are suffering

8:37

from this myself included, is we

8:40

are constantly bombarded of what kind

8:42

of woman we should be. But the

8:44

before there would probably be one narrative

8:47

of what a woman should be. Nowadays,

8:49

it's like you've got so

8:51

much online telling you that you can be

8:53

a bad bitch or you can be a

8:55

boss or you should be conservative or you

8:57

should be liberal or you should be. There's

9:00

so many mixed messages on what a female

9:02

identity should be, that women are losing their

9:04

identity and kind of molding into whatever's in

9:06

fashion in that moment. And as a result,

9:09

they're losing connection with what's truly compatible with

9:11

them and then not finding the right connection. So

9:15

when they're teenagers, it might be to be a bad B, then

9:17

it might become like, oh, I want to settle down, but then

9:20

there is just no consistency in their behaviors

9:22

and their morals and their desires. And as

9:24

a result, they can't get quite confused as

9:26

they're growing up. So in

9:28

regards to both those, I love the thought

9:30

that you shared on self control and how

9:32

it doesn't have to be this kind of

9:34

forceful, militant, you know, force that we that

9:36

we push on ourselves, but rather it can

9:38

be when you taste something more fulfilling, the

9:41

lesser will naturally fall off. If you have

9:43

a vision and you have you craft a

9:45

reality for yourself, that

9:47

you know, meets your knees, then you don't have to

9:49

fall prey to these lesser things that are going to

9:51

have all these other deleterious effects.

9:54

On the flip side with

9:56

authenticity, I've heard you speak too many

9:58

times how feminine femininity has has been

10:00

largely replaced by narcissism. I have,

10:02

yeah. And it's really sad because

10:04

I mean, there's billions of dollars

10:06

spent every single month shaping the

10:08

psychology and narrative of what a

10:10

woman should be in particular and

10:12

what it means to be an

10:14

attractive woman. And

10:17

there's so many down ripple implications cascading

10:19

from that, one being the booming only

10:23

fans industry and TikTok

10:26

and Instagram and social media being

10:28

platforms where women are seen and

10:31

in many ways rewarded for being

10:34

scandalous. And like, I think there's a lot

10:36

of beauty with the sexual liberation and giving

10:39

yourself the freedom to

10:41

explore those things at the same time.

10:43

I definitely really worry about what it's

10:46

doing to the psychology of little girls.

10:48

Yeah, and here's what I'm noticing more and

10:50

more. And I've been in a bit of a

10:52

cocoon. I'm Pakistani, I'm from a different college and

10:55

so on and so forth. But

10:57

as I'm working with more and more clients, I

10:59

don't put the onus on women of

11:01

why narcissism has grown so much. I

11:03

actually think that men have become scared

11:06

to hold women accountable. They've become scared

11:08

of that. And what I mean by

11:10

this is I had a client

11:12

earlier today and he had some indiscretions in

11:14

his marriage. They'd been married 25 years and

11:16

he was caught texting. I mean, he didn't

11:18

feel full on the phone but texting is enough to annoy

11:20

a woman. So I understood. But that

11:22

meant he had to share his location wherever he went. She

11:24

had access to all his social medias and she had all

11:27

his WhatsApp and whatever it is. No

11:29

problem. I'm not saying that whatever works for you. But

11:32

if it was the other way around and

11:34

a man had access to all of her

11:36

socials and he would be seen

11:39

as toxic, he would be seen as insecure

11:41

and she would be within her rights to

11:43

be like arrest him. He's driving me crazy.

11:46

It's just that the things that, the

11:49

parameters are not the same anymore. Even men

11:52

are scared to kind of say their needs

11:54

to women nowadays. They almost have to pander

11:56

to them so, so much. I worry about

11:58

them. I think they're largely. confused as well.

12:01

In this society it's very easy to shame

12:03

what we actually sexualize. Those are two opposing

12:05

energies where you want something but yet you

12:07

put it down and it

12:09

feeds the cycle of it. What do you mean by you shame what

12:11

you sexualize? You could see a woman posting

12:14

you know content

12:16

pushing towards her only fans account or

12:18

whatever and as a man you might

12:20

find that attractive and sexualize it. At

12:22

the same time you're like you can

12:25

shame it because you think that it's

12:27

bad for society and all these different

12:29

things. It's a conflicting need because you're getting

12:31

their core desires and then showing

12:34

them it all the time and then reminding them

12:36

they're disgusting for wanting it and

12:38

it's a bit strange. It's a mixed

12:40

message so even the women that you

12:42

know expose themselves it's a

12:45

they will still shame the same man for

12:47

actually being into her and being like you

12:49

know it's such a blurred line but what

12:51

I would still say is I still put

12:53

the onus on men why women are becoming

12:55

narcissistic and I give my own example of

12:57

this and this is going to sound like

12:59

I'm super jealous but I'm not saying it in that way.

13:01

I'm in a unique position where I can help

13:04

millions of men online and so on and so

13:06

forth but I look at my subscriber rate and

13:08

I look at like all my subs and it's

13:10

still minimal compared to a woman that would show

13:12

all her body and I start

13:14

to think that's not women's fault. There's

13:16

very few content creators the

13:18

followers are men even somebody like Jordan

13:20

Teston who's dedicated his whole career to

13:22

supporting men. I would argue there are

13:24

some only fan creators who earn more

13:27

than him who get more followers than

13:29

him so as much as women

13:31

are becoming narcissistic they're responding to

13:33

the male investment. Males are still

13:35

investing in all of these women.

13:37

Their followers are not females the

13:39

subscribers are not females so I

13:41

actually think a tiny subgroup of

13:43

women have become really narcissistic majority

13:45

of women are not content creators

13:48

majority of women are not online but

13:50

that tiny subgroup has got the rest

13:52

of millions of majority

13:54

of men on a chokehold

13:56

so it's almost like they

14:00

so many good women in the world, so

14:02

many. And they struggle the most in relationships.

14:04

Where the narcissistic women have it the easiest.

14:06

They have men on tap whenever they want,

14:08

however they want, subscribing to whatever they want.

14:11

Now you try and meet a good wholesome

14:13

woman who just wants a good relationship. She

14:15

will tell you, she downloaded a dating

14:18

app, one guy after the other let her down.

14:20

She tried to get into a relationship he was

14:23

found talking to other girls. She tried to connect

14:25

with one guy, but she saw that his Instagram

14:27

was following a bunch of naked models, it put

14:29

her off. So if the good women are suffering

14:31

with this and the narcissistic women are making a

14:34

killing from being like this, we also have

14:36

to look at where men are rewarding female

14:38

behavior. In terms of modern dating, what do

14:40

you think of that difference between viewing dating

14:42

as this kind of like, this

14:45

capitalistic machine where you're viewing

14:47

like if somebody's worth you

14:49

based off of what you have versus

14:52

more of some like the intrinsic qualities

14:54

that you value and find alignment with

14:56

that would actually sustain a relationship long

14:58

term. I think it is changing. I

15:00

think there was a far more emphasis

15:03

on intrinsic values for men and women,

15:05

but I think over the course of

15:07

becoming a bit jaded by going on

15:09

lots of dates and not it not

15:11

working out, women have now started

15:14

a movement of being like, look, chances

15:17

are we're all gonna end up a bit

15:19

divorced or we're gonna end up a bit

15:21

jaded, I'd rather be divorced with anomone and

15:23

a good lifestyle than divorced and then broken

15:27

and not knowing how to look after my

15:29

kids. So they're slowly indoctrinating women to

15:31

become more extrinsic, again, I'm not blaming

15:33

them, I just think this is what

15:36

society's doing and they're learning

15:38

very quickly to get the best out

15:40

of men, to get the most resources

15:42

out of men. You have to lead

15:44

with sex, you have to lead with

15:47

appearance and as a result, you're creating

15:49

very shallow connections. So I do think,

15:51

unfortunately, society is pushing men to

15:54

just provide resources, women

15:56

to just provide beauty and you're

15:58

both feeling An energy from. The each

16:00

other but not contributing to each other and

16:02

other. It's only pay getting a few broken

16:04

thought I wouldn't say that the majority by

16:07

do think that the majority of online behavior.

16:09

Me: I don't you get seem intuitive and

16:11

offline behavior. The online that message is

16:13

being the Reincarnate is again and again.

16:16

He ever heard you say that matter

16:18

dating is like preparing for devoted divorce

16:20

socially. Essentially because all the skills and tools

16:22

that you need for divorce eyes what we're

16:24

practicing so we're learning how to in a

16:27

clap back were letting up again to save

16:29

if you break up. Will adding had to

16:31

get back the s to tell practice detachments

16:33

and at you know how to recover and

16:35

how to keep and backup. Some cases this

16:38

goes wrong so we all Nc and I'm

16:40

not saying that does it as you know

16:42

in honesty sometimes I give advice My say

16:44

to people marry the person that you can

16:46

divorce and will I mean by that is

16:48

to somebody that is worse case scenario happen.

16:51

And if a divorce was to take

16:53

place, this person is still a reasonable

16:55

and flexible human being. Don't choose somebody

16:57

that you love very deeply. By God

16:59

forbid you gotten the wrong side and

17:01

you gotta diverse, you'd be devastated for

17:03

the rest of your life. So I'd

17:05

I'm of a contribution to this terrible

17:07

message. but it's only because unfortunately these

17:09

are the skills and tools that will

17:11

constantly being embedded in our behavior. Us:

17:13

How to recover from a break up,

17:15

how to move on quickly. It's hard

17:17

to make sure that you had to

17:19

get yeah, I like make exit. Regret This

17:21

is all this kind of preparing for the

17:23

was rather than for the preparing for the

17:25

best. Hard you discern indistinct

17:28

between what sir authentic boundary that

17:30

you want to uphold because it's

17:32

align with your values vs. Trying.

17:34

To control behavior vs you know, based

17:36

out of an insecurity. i get it

17:39

is a thing that's tricky with values everybody

17:41

on paper has the same values and there

17:43

are some great we all think that we

17:45

want financing connect since they want someone is

17:47

good for our family we want someone who

17:49

be a good parents and the i think

17:51

a lot of people are still in denial

17:53

about their true values and why i mean

17:55

by your values is what you invest most

17:57

of your energy in and what is your

17:59

but telling you. So some men will

18:01

come to me and say, I want a really

18:04

good woman, I really want a good woman, I

18:06

want to settle down, but they're paying for escorts

18:08

and that's who they're primarily dating. And

18:10

they're falling in love with these escorts

18:12

and they're being patronized, but your values

18:15

are... You have to

18:17

look at your behavior. Do an inventory of

18:19

your behavior and ask yourself, what

18:22

am I actually rewarding the most in the

18:24

opposite gender? Who am I rewarding the most?

18:26

Am I rewarding the person who's kindest to

18:28

me, who's most loving to me, who's the most

18:30

soothing to me? Or am I rewarding

18:32

somebody who makes me feel unseen, who makes me

18:34

feel unworthy, or somebody who I just find super

18:37

attractive, someone who gives me money? What am I

18:39

actually rewarding? Who am I actually spending most of

18:41

my time with? That will tell you what your

18:43

values are. Don't just pretend you have these really

18:46

great strong values. Once you've done an inventory of

18:48

your values, if you don't like them, then you

18:50

have to change your behavior. It's not just a

18:52

mindset. A lot of people think my values are,

18:54

oh, I'm just going to change my mindset. I'm

18:57

going to watch a lot of men do this.

18:59

They might watch a bunch of Andrew Tate and

19:01

be like, I've got a new bunch of values. And

19:03

then it's like, but what is your behavior? Like, where

19:05

is your behavior going? If you're still... If you're thinking

19:07

a certain way, but your behavior is not aligned to

19:09

that, it's not a value, it's a delusion. So

19:12

constantly look at your behavior as

19:14

an indicator of your values. The

19:16

other thing to recognize is sometimes

19:18

your values and your behaviors is

19:21

very much infiltrated by your traumas.

19:23

I get them. I completely understand

19:25

that. And I have been very

19:27

much an advocate for childhood trauma,

19:29

but unfortunately I've seen in my own

19:31

practice that sometimes we are using this

19:33

as an excuse. I'm totally compassionate with

19:35

your trauma, but don't use

19:38

that as an excuse to abuse

19:40

others. Don't use that as an

19:42

excuse to use others and don't

19:44

use that as an excuse to

19:46

mistreat. Expect people to accept your

19:48

mistreatment. You still have to...

19:50

Part of your values still include treating

19:53

people correctly. If You are really

19:55

anxious and that now means that you are

19:57

really abusive to your partner and you might

19:59

be emotionally abusive or really controlled... And he

20:01

felt that that was just my trauma. You

20:03

have to accept it is part of your

20:06

values, should be cheating those you love with

20:08

respect and dignity and overcoming your trauma to

20:10

make this release. it works. So I would

20:12

say that values have to be in line

20:14

with behaviors. Lucky A behaved As an indicator

20:16

is your values have been a muddied by

20:18

your tumors. It still is should be still

20:21

your value to and a undo the show.

20:23

Months to treat people correctly. We're.

20:25

There is that very virtue signaling kind of

20:27

immature version of what you say. Your values

20:29

Rb his. Your. Your behaviors reveal

20:32

where your family values are near. In.

20:34

That process a meeting somebody that you're

20:36

attracted to of because you know start

20:38

a relationship with someone. How much do

20:40

you see as a psychologists in your

20:43

background and study is like that? The

20:45

template that we have a relationship stemming

20:47

from childhood out what are the key

20:49

things that we can become aware of

20:51

as to what are coping mechanisms. Attachment

20:53

styles like these things have really inform

20:55

how he really and how we forget

20:57

when was people like ours. Are

21:00

you have to ask yourself what do I

21:02

do when I'm at my worst? How do

21:05

I cheat my partner when I'm at my

21:07

work for how we roll good our best

21:09

and a lot of people are like although

21:11

I love her because I had that she

21:13

some tested or he says so great at

21:15

his best that really select seat of buying

21:18

what they're like at their worst because this

21:20

Oroville you're coping mechanisms and so is that

21:22

your last you figure out that you get

21:24

abusive physically you get abusive then and this

21:26

is and you're not ready for a relationship.

21:28

And similarly if you find that elastic. can

21:30

be emotionally abusive or the aggressive in

21:33

this is not getting the a not

21:35

ready for release it's select people who'll

21:37

at their worst at their worst you

21:39

can handle them and not that net

21:41

not accepted but can you handle them

21:43

out there was do not go into

21:45

relationships editing their behavior based on just

21:47

what they do at their best when

21:49

i always say to people take the

21:51

put your partner's worst behavior and imagine

21:53

it gets twenty percent less the the

21:55

rest of your life would you still

21:57

be with them if the answer is

21:59

yes decks that my partner, for example,

22:01

is a very boring person. He's a boring

22:03

man. You'll come home, watch Judge Judy, go

22:05

to bed. That's his life. Now, if that

22:07

gets worse and he moved progressive to Dr.

22:09

Phil or something, I could probably handle that.

22:11

I could probably handle that. But if it

22:13

gets to the point where, let's say, the

22:15

deal breaker is that he's hostile, he's aggressive,

22:17

and he's verbally aggressive, now, if that gets

22:19

20% worse and he starts being verbally aggressive

22:21

in public or he starts being verbally aggressive

22:23

to kids or something like that, I don't

22:25

know if I can handle that for the

22:27

rest of my life. So take people with

22:30

their worst behavior. I'm not saying end

22:32

it, but just be realistic with yourself.

22:34

If it gets about 20% worse, could

22:36

you maintain this marriage or relationship? If

22:38

the answer is yeah, I mean, they're

22:40

a bit annoying, they're a bit messy,

22:42

but if they got 20% worse, I

22:45

can take that. It's not the end of the world.

22:47

But if it's like I'm hanging in by a thread

22:49

right now, if they even get 1% worse,

22:51

I won't be able to handle it, do

22:54

not increase your investment with that person. You

22:56

will regret it. So just be mindful

22:58

of that. What do you

23:00

think about traditionally, as a man

23:02

gets older, what society views as

23:04

valuable kind of tends to increase, meaning his

23:06

success, the money he makes, all of these

23:08

things. And traditionally, what

23:10

society views women as kind of their

23:12

values is in beauty. And unfortunately, it's

23:15

mainly just like external beauty. As time

23:18

progresses, as people get older, those are kind of

23:20

going at an inverse rate, meaning the man kind

23:22

of continues, his stock continues to go up and

23:24

a woman's would go down in that metric. Now,

23:26

I believe that there's so much more to obviously

23:28

a woman's beauty than just the fit like, but

23:31

what do you think about that in terms of

23:33

the problems that creates and relating and dating? The

23:36

problem it creates, essentially, here's

23:38

what I would say the problem is, with

23:41

I think pornography and Instagram doesn't help.

23:43

But the main thing that I find

23:45

with men as they age is

23:48

their sex drive doesn't decrease. And for

23:50

a woman, it's more her sex drive

23:52

decreases so much as she gets older

23:54

and as she gets children and so

23:56

on and so forth. So the craving

23:58

for more women. and younger usually comes

24:01

when that need is not being satisfied. So

24:03

I think what happens is men are relatively

24:05

consistent in how much sex they want for

24:07

the rest of their lives. Yeah. They are,

24:09

if they said three times a week at

24:11

15, they'll say that at 65. That's,

24:14

it doesn't change for women. It's kind

24:16

of like they don't

24:18

have that. They don't really have that

24:20

experience. So what ends up happening is

24:22

as a man ages, he feels like

24:25

he's providing more to the family. He's

24:27

doing more, he's more valuable. But he

24:29

is, he's receiving less sex as

24:31

he gets older from his partner. And

24:33

it's his feel for men. A lot of the

24:35

time that's their form of appreciation. So they're feeling

24:37

like I'm getting more valuable. I can have more

24:39

options. I'm choosing to commit to you and I'm

24:42

not getting the one thing I need. And they're

24:44

like, okay, fine. I'm going to go and like,

24:46

get a candy store and go elsewhere and go

24:48

find it. The problem

24:50

is whichever woman you choose, her

24:53

desire decreases. She could be 20 years,

24:56

she could be 50 as they get

24:58

more connected to you. Their desire decreases.

25:00

So I think the mismatch is not

25:02

just only on the external values, but

25:05

also on their experience with sex. I

25:07

do think men who have a

25:09

happy sex life tend to be relatively

25:12

okay with their partner forever, but those

25:14

that feel deprived in that area really

25:16

crave to go back into the

25:19

dating pool, access a younger, more beautiful woman,

25:21

just to get that feeling again. And I'm

25:23

learning that more and more working with more

25:25

clients, how consistent it is for them and

25:27

how much they want it. But at the

25:29

same time, they're afraid to have those confrontational

25:31

conversations with their wives because society and everybody

25:33

kind of makes us feel like it's a

25:35

bit toxic to ask that from your partner.

25:37

But I do think if we

25:39

are sworn to sexual monogamy with somebody, it is

25:42

your right to at least have those discussions and

25:44

ask for what your needs are. But a lot

25:46

of men are afraid to ask that. And

25:48

then they end up going elsewhere and breaking the laws

25:50

of the marriage. Do you think we're

25:52

wired for monogamy? I think we're wired

25:55

for connection. And I would say there's two

25:57

types of men in the world. I would say

25:59

some men. men are very

26:01

monogamous to their wife, whoever

26:03

she is. If they're

26:05

married, they can stay married, they're committed to that vow,

26:07

and they can be loyal to her for the rest

26:10

of their lives. Other men, I think

26:12

the majority of men, are loyal to the woman they fell

26:14

in love with. If she stays that

26:17

woman, he can be

26:19

loyal to her forever. If she

26:21

stays that woman. But if she

26:23

changes aesthetically, emotionally, sexually, if she

26:25

changes, the polygamy in him starts to kick

26:27

in. So I think loyalty, some men are loyal

26:30

to the woman regardless of her behavior. Some women

26:32

are loyal to the woman they fell in love

26:34

with. And you just have to decide which kind

26:36

of man you are. And if you are the

26:38

type of man who's going to be loyal, regardless

26:40

of whether she changes, doesn't change her, marriage is

26:42

really good for you. Yeah, it will stabilize you,

26:44

it's really good for you. If you are the

26:46

man that is loyal to the woman you fell

26:49

in love with, but if she gains rate, if

26:51

she has kids, if there's no sex, you're going

26:53

to stray. I'm not saying don't get married, but

26:55

communicate the importance of her remaining similar to the

26:57

woman you met in order for you to stay

26:59

monogamous. I think it's a kind of

27:01

insane proposition though, because there's no way any

27:03

woman or man can stay the same as

27:06

they will when you met them. It's such

27:08

an unrealistic expectation. But I would say

27:10

that we owe our partners to stay

27:12

within the ballpark of it in the

27:14

sense that the fundamentals is whatever amount

27:16

of effort I put into the relationship

27:18

in the beginning stages, I'll still try

27:20

and put that effort into it. With

27:22

kids and our body is going to

27:24

change, but

27:26

we've become a completely different person, but we

27:28

can find them, it's going to be a

27:30

bit difficult. So I don't know if I fully agree.

27:32

Good, I'm so glad you disagree

27:35

with me. Tell me, what do you

27:37

think? I think that if we go

27:39

into partnership with the intention that we're

27:41

going to stay

27:43

who we have been, and I know you're not saying fully,

27:45

like of course we're going to evolve and whatnot, like

27:48

I think it's an

27:51

illusion to think that we're going to

27:53

be with somebody that we met and they're

27:55

going to stay that way forever. But I feel like what, and

27:57

I would love to hear your perspective on this, what be

28:00

a healthier perspective perhaps would be to

28:02

be on the devotion to each other's

28:04

evolution and whatever truth arises in that

28:06

even if that means the falling off

28:08

of old ideals, beliefs, dogmas, whatever is

28:10

in the way from us blossoming

28:13

as an individual first and foremost as we

28:15

are like reflections of each other discovering our

28:17

own true nature. To me

28:19

like the devotion to the path

28:22

of evolution is more important. I

28:24

agree. I think that's a really great way to look at it.

28:28

I could definitely agree that you should

28:30

stay devoted to being curious about your

28:32

partner, staying connected to their partner as

28:34

they change. But

28:37

unfortunately what I notice is particularly

28:39

I don't know how because most

28:41

of my clients are women but

28:44

I do notice when their primary

28:46

need even though they might

28:48

say somewhat connected but if their primary

28:50

need they're being deprived of that they

28:52

will seek it and I think it's

28:54

hedonistic and I think it's the wrong way to look at

28:56

it but I think realistically this is what they do. So

28:59

if women are deprived of their say

29:01

in the beginning he was very like

29:03

maybe very verbally affectionate, very physically affectionate

29:06

just you know invested if that

29:08

changes and drastically throughout

29:10

the marriage some women could just evolve and adapt to

29:12

the fact that man's not going to compliment you every

29:14

day for 50 years. Other

29:17

women are like well I really need

29:19

that and they might outsource it similarly

29:21

some men she will just adapt like

29:23

her body's changed she's got a bunch of

29:25

kids she doesn't want to sleep with me anymore I can

29:28

I can be pro or so sex for a bit

29:30

of my life I've had a good run you know I'll

29:32

be fine other men will refuse

29:34

to accept that progress. So I think knowing

29:36

yourself and your flexibility will determine whether or

29:38

not you can be monogamous. If you are

29:41

inflexible and you are simply like you have

29:43

to stay the person I met and if

29:45

you don't stay that person I'm going to

29:47

go recreate those initial stages with another person

29:50

and then fall into the same trap of

29:52

that then it's probably better

29:54

you don't get into a marriage but if you

29:56

are a flexible person who is going to remain

29:58

curious and involved with your partner. Absolutely. I

30:00

recommend the way that you described it is perfectly

30:02

aligned with what I recommend So

30:05

what do you think about this kind of revolution

30:07

of liberation or liberal movements in terms of dating

30:09

as a woman? Also, there's this big fulfillment that

30:11

comes uniquely that can be filled in other ways

30:14

But you can't have the same experience obviously of

30:16

having a child and building a family which a

30:19

lot of women and not every there's a Whole

30:22

you know bell curve of where people land on this and

30:24

there's of course outliers in every case But it's such

30:26

a uniquely fulfilling aspect of what it means to be

30:28

a woman I feel and you know, I feel the

30:30

same way as a man like I'm just really excited

30:32

for that one day What

30:35

do you think about that juxtaposed

30:37

with this like boss babe woman

30:39

mentality of acting more traditional ways

30:41

a man would But

30:43

I think that again, it's the

30:46

long-sightedness is really deprived here And

30:48

I say I say this with no judgment sometimes

30:51

women struggle to have children and it's not their

30:53

choice But that decision I'm seeing

30:55

a lot of young girls make that decision in their 20s They're

30:57

like I don't want to have kids and I don't want to

30:59

do this and I don't want to do that it's

31:02

a bit short sighted because firstly I do think

31:04

that You don't

31:06

experience and I'm saying this as somebody without children

31:08

myself You don't experience true womanhood until you know

31:11

what your body is capable of Through to our

31:13

children because you realize what everything is designed for

31:15

everything was designed to cater for a baby, which

31:17

is a beautiful thing It's not an oppressive thing.

31:19

It's a beautiful thing But one thing I would

31:21

say is as our society is

31:23

getting more and more disconnected. We are going to have

31:26

AI girlfriends We're gonna have robots. We're gonna have all

31:28

of this nonsense The one thing

31:30

that creeps connection as you age tends

31:32

to be children You

31:34

probably see it with your own parents And I

31:36

see with my parents is that they there's some

31:38

relative human connection that is almost everlasting if you're

31:40

you know Lucky enough to have good parents some

31:43

parents are not like that But if you

31:45

are lucky enough to have that you know

31:47

that there's the the one form of connection

31:49

you can count on you can't Count on

31:51

your partners. You can't count on your friends

31:53

and stuff Children is almost an insurance policy

31:55

against loneliness now to completely Disregard

31:58

that and be like no, I never want to have kids but

32:00

the fun life that you're enjoying in your 20s

32:02

and your 30s, you're not going

32:04

to be able to pick up and go on vacations at 60 and 70.

32:07

And there'll be a time when you get to the

32:09

weekends and all of your friends will be taking their

32:11

kids to play and all of your friends will be

32:13

mad or you don't even have friends anymore as you

32:15

age and stuff. And those choices

32:18

you made were quite short-lived. So I

32:20

do think that to each their own,

32:22

whether you want kids or not want

32:24

kids, but an almost shaming towards having

32:26

kids and almost becoming a trend to

32:28

not want kids. Is still hedonistic

32:31

and any culture or any society that's claiming

32:33

that you should live a selfish life and

32:35

it shouldn't be in the service to others

32:37

and whether it's children, you're missing out on

32:39

a lot of the human experience. I know

32:41

it's the most selfless and the most exhausting

32:43

experience, but I think it's good for the

32:45

human soul to live a life that's outside

32:47

of their own primary desires and children really

32:50

force you to do that. So I think

32:52

it's good for everybody to have an experience

32:54

in life where they're in a service to

32:56

others and there's no better service than children.

32:58

Unless the outliers really get that, like they

33:00

really sit with it, of course, and have

33:03

that clarity. They have an alternative way

33:05

of serving others. Yeah, maybe they have like

33:07

a career similar to ours or they've adopted

33:09

or they invest, but just purely hedonistic is

33:12

dangerous. But I think if your alternative, your

33:14

plan B, say if you can't have children,

33:17

is to volunteer or

33:19

dedicate to others or heal or help, that can

33:21

fill that void. But I do think it's a

33:23

human need to give to others and dedicate to

33:25

others. What do you think about

33:28

the pressure of the biological clock for women? Because I

33:30

definitely see it's a point of contention that is really,

33:32

I have so much compassion for it. Matthew Hussey, we

33:34

were just talking about, he gave that example of like,

33:36

the same pressure was put on as a man. Like

33:39

you have to achieve all your dreams and become a

33:41

millionaire by like 35 or 40 or

33:43

whatever it is. Otherwise off the table forever,

33:45

you know what that would do to the psychology of a

33:47

man. It's obviously not the same, but

33:50

it kind of points in this direction of this

33:52

pressure that you know, this window where you might

33:54

desire that. It's horrifying. It's

33:56

really horrifying because there's

33:58

a time pressure. And then some women

34:01

will drop their standards in what they want in a

34:03

partner simply to have the baby, which is, I'm not

34:05

judging that. I think that's totally fine if that's what

34:07

you want to do. If you want children, no worries.

34:11

You know, it might enhance the chances of

34:13

a broken home, but sometimes the

34:15

baby is worth, you know, the stress of

34:17

that. So I understand. But at the same

34:19

time, I think women, what

34:21

happens then when they, here's how you kind of

34:23

cope with it a bit better. And my recommendation

34:26

always to women is sometimes they'll get to 40

34:28

and 41 and 42, and they will

34:31

still be like, no, no, I want to have

34:33

kids. I want to have kids. And they like

34:36

kind of fried with that mentality. I think the

34:38

better thing to do is as you get into

34:40

your late 30s, be totally and utterly aligned with

34:42

a plan B. If plan B, let's say for

34:45

example, you're not having children, it's not happening and

34:47

you haven't found the one or whatever it is,

34:49

you find an alternative way to live your life

34:51

that would still be somewhat fulfilling. If

34:54

you don't have that and you haven't

34:56

found your partner, you will slip into

34:58

a slow depression. It does do that

35:00

to you. But if you have a plan B,

35:02

that plan B might be, okay, I decide to

35:04

adopt or okay, I'm going to date somebody that

35:06

already has children or I'm a bit flexible with

35:08

what I want to do within the rest of

35:10

my life, then you'll be okay. But if you

35:13

have no plan B and it's just stuck on

35:15

having children, you will suffer. Sometimes I'll meet women

35:17

who are like in their mid 40s and they're

35:19

like, oh, no, no, I'm still trying. I've got

35:21

IVF and they're putting their body through so much.

35:23

Whereas if they just let go and thought, I'll

35:25

breathe that idea I once had and now look

35:27

for a plan B where I can still fulfill

35:30

my potential. I think it's better

35:32

for their mental health and just forcing something that's

35:34

not happening. Yeah, there's obviously the

35:36

pressure of the time. But

35:38

then also if women

35:40

have like a really high standard of who they want to

35:42

be with, I could see how it's settling would lead to

35:44

a broken home or a potential divorce or things that you

35:46

might not be totally stoked on in the future. Here's

35:49

the thing. If you value having children

35:51

more than having a relationship, just pick

35:53

somebody who would be a fantastic co-parent.

35:56

If worst case scenario happened, they would be

35:58

a fantastic co-parent. on

36:00

the partner and he might be a businessman,

36:02

but you see that he's always away. He's

36:04

never home with the kids. He's not stable,

36:07

but he's just high value and you're having

36:09

a child with him. You're going to struggle

36:11

a bit. So change that to if you're

36:13

in that position where you're having to decide

36:15

between children and a partner, choose somebody that

36:17

you could effectively

36:20

co-parent with

36:23

if that's your end goal. If your end goal is

36:25

a partner, you can focus on the partner side of

36:27

things. But if your end goal in life is I'd

36:29

rather have a mother than I

36:31

would be a wife. If I had

36:34

to pick one, then focus on their

36:36

ability to co-parent. Some women, what they'll

36:38

do is they'll focus entirely on how

36:41

good a guy is to him. But he might

36:43

have children that he neglects. So she might have

36:46

children that she doesn't really pay much attention to.

36:48

But if they are already a parent, pay attention

36:50

to how they treat their children, how much of

36:52

a priority their children are. If they deprioritize their

36:54

children, you can

36:57

have children with them, but have low expectations

37:00

of what those children mean to them in their

37:02

life. Do you think that the

37:04

energy of seeking a partner and trying

37:06

to fulfill that need externally, do

37:08

you think the act of that energetically brings

37:11

it in closer or pushes it away? I'm

37:13

always curious about this. I would love to hear

37:16

your take on it. In my personal experience, I

37:18

always found that it pushes it away. But I

37:20

do know women who are like, I want to

37:22

get married and have a baby. And they would

37:24

go on like 100 dates on Tinder and make

37:26

it their mission. And sometimes it would work. So

37:29

I'm curious, what do you think about that? Maybe

37:31

you know a little bit more than me because

37:33

I always saw some women would treat it

37:35

like a job. And they'll say, I'm going to go on

37:37

50 days. I'm going to make sure I find my husband. Every

37:39

guy I get with, I'm going to ask him what's the plan

37:42

if it's not there by. And they almost treat it

37:44

like work. And I've seen it pay

37:46

off. But I also, for me personally,

37:48

I found that very draining and it

37:50

kind of ruined the authenticity of connections

37:52

because you're viewing it through the lens

37:54

of like almost like an interview. So

37:56

I'm always curious which works better. What

37:58

do you think works better? Again,

38:00

I just really don't think it can be a

38:03

one-size-fits-all because there's just such a big spectrum and

38:05

I could see how just having a sheer numbers

38:07

game approach of the more people you meet, the

38:09

more likely you're going to find somebody who's in

38:12

alignment with you. That

38:14

also being said, I believe

38:16

there is this vibrational or energetic component as

38:18

well when you kind of find that sense

38:20

of home and non-neediness within yourself, which I

38:22

understand can be so difficult and I can't

38:24

even put myself in a woman with, for

38:27

example, the biological clock issue. It

38:29

takes inner work to find that kind of

38:31

self-satiation in a way, but to me

38:34

that as a man is more attractive.

38:38

When a woman's really in

38:40

her body and is regulated and is at

38:42

home within herself, that to me screams

38:45

maternal energy. That to me screams somebody

38:47

that I could settle down with. Do

38:49

you think a woman that kind of creates a

38:51

relationship and pushes a man towards a relationship is

38:53

like, okay, all or none kind of, but do

38:55

you think she's more likely to get a relationship

38:57

than the one that's just take it

38:59

easy, see how it goes or whatever? I think

39:02

she probably is more likely to get the relationship,

39:04

but it might not be in alignment with I

39:06

guess the longevity of somebody who's

39:08

aligned. Because I saw someone, it

39:10

was Dr. Orem, he said, when men

39:12

want sex, what they'll do is they'll

39:14

push for it. So they'll have dates

39:16

which might involve alcohol, they'll have you

39:18

close to their home, they'll kind of

39:20

curate the environment that pushes you towards

39:22

sex. Similarly, if you want a long-term

39:24

relationship, you have to kind of curate

39:26

the environment. So that might mean like

39:28

phone calls, asking for a label, asking,

39:31

yes, it might push away some guys,

39:33

but it might just get you, you

39:35

might filter out the wrong guys. So it might,

39:37

it may work. It just depends what you have

39:39

the energy for. Some people just don't have

39:41

the energy for it. Some people are really up for the challenge and

39:43

they'll do it. And I mean, for the woman

39:46

listening, I guess take it for what it's worth, but

39:48

I do feel there is a difference in the man

39:50

versus woman energy. And really just feminine and masculine, which

39:52

we all have in differing degrees as energy systems available

39:54

to us, but the man being more

39:56

yang and penetrative

39:59

and seeking. and achieving, I

40:01

feel like on the women's side it's

40:04

more yin and receptive and attracting and

40:06

magnetizing that towards which are two different

40:08

energies. More receiving. Yeah. How

40:11

do you see polarity and how it

40:14

can sustain the possibility of like a long-term

40:16

partnership? Because we all like I said obviously

40:18

have differing degrees of masculine and energy. Some

40:21

women are more inherently masculine, some guys are

40:23

more inherently feminine. Do you

40:25

think there needs to be a strong polarity

40:27

in the differences for that attraction to stay

40:29

long-term? Or do you think it's actually, do

40:32

you think that it's more harmonious to

40:34

have similar energies, bringing us closer to

40:36

the middle of that? I think

40:38

look it is some people, some men

40:41

are actually drawn to masculine energy in

40:43

women. They're actually drawn to it maybe

40:45

it's how they're raised or similarly some

40:47

women need that feminine energy in a

40:49

man because it helps them feel safer

40:51

and it helps them feel connected. So

40:53

it really does depend on the connection

40:55

you've had. But what I would say

40:57

is masculine energy

40:59

and femininity, the key with both

41:01

masculine and feminine is that you're

41:03

not faking it. I do think

41:05

the importance is you don't select

41:08

a partner that requires you to fake that

41:10

energy to the partner that's aligned with the

41:12

energy you bring. So if I had to

41:14

really pretend to be a lot more feminine

41:16

in order to attract a partner, I, it

41:19

wears off. Yeah, eventually it would wear

41:21

off. You, similarly, if I had to

41:24

pretend to be more masculine, whatever it

41:26

would wear off. So it's better to

41:28

select somebody who is aligned to your

41:30

levels of exchange between the masculine and

41:32

feminine than the ones where you have

41:34

to pretend. So I see and I

41:36

feel a bit bad because I

41:38

see a lot of men, especially since the

41:40

Andri-Tape movement, who are trying so hard to

41:43

be more masculine. But the problem is it's

41:45

not authentic. It's not coming naturally for you.

41:47

Maybe you can lean into your male femancy

41:49

instead of pushing for the more masculine. Just

41:52

lean into who you truly are and then

41:54

select wisely rather than trying to push to

41:56

what you're not. So I would say that

41:58

we all know. where our balance lies, we

42:01

all know roughly where we are. Try

42:03

not to fake it to make it. Instead,

42:05

just embrace your level and look for a

42:07

compatibility. What are some of

42:09

the other like prominent green flags in terms

42:12

of having a partnership or relationship

42:14

that lasts and how we position ourselves

42:16

and when we start to get into

42:18

a connection with somebody and

42:20

like what are some of the other things that

42:22

you really see have like

42:25

the possibility to make a relationship thrive

42:27

long-term? A long-term perspective, I

42:29

say, is a really important component of

42:31

a long-lasting relationship. And what I mean

42:33

by that is having a partner who

42:35

has the ability to view the same

42:37

scenario from the perspective of

42:40

their partner. If they can only see

42:42

the world through their own lens and

42:44

they are unable and really rigid to

42:46

see how you might feel in a

42:48

situation or how this situation might like

42:50

impact you, they will become

42:52

an impossible partner to resolve conflict

42:54

with. They'll become an impossible partner

42:56

to have a long-lasting relationship with and

42:59

there'll be no compromise. But if you

43:01

have a partner that we all see

43:03

things naturally from our own egocentric perspective

43:05

to begin with, but usually over time

43:07

they can understand your perspective, over time

43:09

they can understand your point of view.

43:12

What it does is it leads to a

43:14

balance and compromise. So I think somebody who

43:16

has an inability to see their partner or

43:18

people's perspective in general is a real

43:21

red flag whereas somebody who can do that

43:23

quite naturally, it's a huge green

43:25

flag because it then enables all

43:28

the other traits that are required for relationships such

43:30

as compassion, forgiveness, conflict

43:33

resolution, it enables further traits. So really

43:36

making sure you choose a partner who

43:38

is able to see the world through

43:40

both yours and his perspective and as

43:43

a result, they'll also respect you in

43:45

your absence. If I don't have

43:47

my partner's perspective, I will go do what

43:49

I want when he's not around because I

43:51

don't care if he's in. But when you

43:53

have a mentality where I

43:55

understand this would upset them, I understand

43:58

this would be disrespectful, you start to think, to

44:00

monitor your behavior in a way that would be

44:02

respectful to them in their absence because you care

44:04

about their perspective. So I'd say perspective is a

44:06

really important thing to look for in a partner.

44:09

I would say that another thing to really bear

44:11

in mind when you're getting into relationships is just

44:13

being very aware of your deal breakers. A

44:16

lot of people will overlook their deal breakers because

44:18

of things that they like in the person. They

44:20

might look a certain way, they might act a

44:22

certain way and as a result they're overlooking their

44:24

deal breakers. For whoever you are, let's say your

44:27

deal breaker is loyal to you, let's say another

44:29

person's deal breaker is financial, another person's

44:31

appearance, whatever it is. Whatever

44:33

your deal breaker is, if you see signs

44:35

of it appearing in this person, instead of

44:37

begging for them to change, ask yourself, can

44:39

I accept this deal breaker? Or

44:42

if I can't accept this deal breaker,

44:44

I should reduce my investment. But don't

44:46

marry or be or invest in somebody

44:48

that has all the deal breakers and

44:50

then force them to change it or

44:52

expect them to change it. Either manage

44:54

your expectations or let them go but

44:56

don't commit to deal breakers. I

44:59

think there can often be this

45:01

romanticization of someone's potential versus accepting

45:03

and acknowledging what their real patterns

45:06

are. In connection

45:08

and meeting somebody, what do you see as a

45:10

difference there and how we

45:12

can not just fall in love with the potential of who

45:14

somebody can be, which of course is exciting to see what

45:17

somebody can grow into. Yet at

45:19

the same time, someone's real patterns that are

45:21

so ingrained, unless

45:23

they're devoted to the path of evolution

45:25

are unlikely to change deeper in partnership.

45:28

This happens to people who go into

45:30

denial a lot. There are some people

45:32

who just naturally go into denial with

45:34

most things in life. It might have

45:36

been a childhood coping strategy. Maybe they

45:38

had parents who were actually quite not

45:40

nice people and a little bit abusive,

45:42

but because they might have had no

45:44

alternative perspective, they had to believe their

45:46

parents were perfect and they had

45:48

to believe their siblings were really good. Even

45:51

though they might have some objective

45:53

issues with that parent. So what happens is

45:55

when they meet somebody that they fall in

45:57

love with, whatever their version of love is, they're not going means

46:00

is what part of the love

46:02

means is ignoring all of their

46:04

problematic behavior and going straight into

46:07

denial. As a result, they will

46:09

fall into love with their

46:11

potential. They'll use the word, he's got potential,

46:13

but really what they're doing is they've created

46:15

an image of who this person should be

46:17

or is. They've attached to

46:19

that image and they will deny reality

46:22

at all costs to maintain that connection.

46:24

I'll have clients where they've caught

46:26

the woman cheating red-handed or the

46:29

man cheating red-handed and they'll still

46:31

say things like, oh, but he would never

46:33

do that. They'll still say she's not like

46:35

that. It would have been, they still make

46:37

excuses. There's no problem with making excuses. That's

46:39

how you want to live. But then you

46:41

have to just accept that the behavior that

46:43

you caught them doing is going to continue.

46:46

If you're falling in love with potential, what

46:48

you're really doing is falling in love with

46:50

your own delusions and those delusions can exist

46:52

in anybody. You might as well just choose

46:54

a new person to experience those delusions with.

46:57

Falling in love with potential is really, really setting

46:59

yourself up for failure. It's better to just accept

47:01

them for who they truly are rather than going into

47:04

denial of who they've shown you, who they are. It

47:06

can be a painful realization to

47:08

see how you've been loving

47:11

the perception you have of your partner versus

47:13

actually connecting and loving with who they actually

47:15

are and therefore. Look, here's the

47:17

thing. It's really soul destroying when you

47:19

have the soul's perception of your partner

47:21

and you find out they've got a

47:23

whole secret life behind your back and

47:25

you can't believe they've duped you into

47:27

this and you can't believe they've hurt

47:29

you like this. But I would say

47:31

that when you fall in love with

47:33

your potential imagination, the person that hurts

47:35

you doesn't feel much guilt. And

47:37

the reason why they don't feel much guilt is because

47:39

they feel like you didn't take the time to get

47:41

to know the real me. You didn't fall in

47:44

love with the real me. You fell in love with your own imagination.

47:46

And therefore, I don't feel that guilty

47:48

about hurting you because you think

47:51

you fell in love with your own

47:53

imagination. They almost feel like it's okay.

47:55

They feel guilt free. So I

47:57

think it's really important to make sure that whoever

48:00

you've chosen to fall in love with, you remain curious

48:02

and you ask the right questions and you make sure

48:04

that you're falling in love with a true them. If

48:06

you're not falling in love with a true them, you're

48:08

falling in love with their mask and they won't feel

48:10

guilty if they let you down then because you haven't

48:12

in their mind they're going to see as you haven't

48:15

taken the time to get to know the real me.

48:17

You don't love the real me and therefore I don't

48:19

feel like I'm truly hurting you because you don't even

48:21

know who I am. So it creates

48:23

a power imbalance when you fall in love

48:25

with your imagination because a person stops feeling

48:28

guilty for hurting you. Yeah, I

48:30

really feel like we can't judge what

48:33

we truly understand. Like if we understood

48:35

what somebody's childhood was or

48:37

past that led them to create the

48:39

coping mechanisms, behavioral compensations, traumatic patterns that

48:41

still go on to live in our

48:43

control us in our day to day

48:45

life, we would have compassion and understand

48:47

for it. I just feel like we don't

48:50

often prioritize clarity of mind to

48:52

really see that and not just

48:54

our own fantasization of what somebody

48:56

is or really put them

48:58

on a pedestal for their, you know, and

49:00

like their noble qualities without

49:03

looking at the very real shadows there and

49:05

like even acknowledging it because it's, you know,

49:07

it's an illusion to also go into partnership thinking

49:09

you're going to go find somebody who's like

49:11

healed other stuff and it's just like this

49:13

perfect deity that you're going to come into

49:15

partnership, right? But at the

49:17

same time, there needs to be healthy acknowledgement

49:19

of what those are and having those conversations

49:21

earlier on than not. Absolutely.

49:24

We've got to be realistic. People are going to

49:26

be flawed. You just got to pick the person

49:28

whose flaws you can cope with. People are going

49:30

to be working on themselves throughout the relationship. Some

49:32

people might not be working on themselves. You just

49:34

pick the person that you can cope with, their

49:36

flaws with. No one's perfect and you're not perfect.

49:38

You also have to realize that you're going to

49:40

go into this relationship with some of your own

49:42

issues and concerns. I think there is an over

49:44

emphasis sometimes like, you know, and I blame myself

49:46

for this, where it's really talking about healing and

49:48

you have to be healed and you go into

49:51

a relationship. It's not so much that you have

49:53

to be healed and perfect. You just have to know

49:55

the key is not to be perfect. The key is

49:57

to know that your partner is not responsible for every

49:59

bad thing. feeling you're having. Sometimes those

50:01

bad feelings pre-existed before this partner even

50:03

came into your life. You might be

50:05

having an over reaction

50:08

to their behavior simply because they're triggering something

50:10

in you or you might find yourself forgiving

50:12

a partner for a lot of abuse because

50:14

you've been in the habit of that. So

50:16

it's just understanding that it's not so much

50:18

that your partner has to be perfect but

50:21

just understanding your reactions aren't entirely caused by

50:23

this relationship and being aware of when they're

50:25

triggered by this relationship and when they're triggered

50:27

by a previous wound. Sometimes it might be

50:29

the relationship and sometimes it might be a

50:32

wound. It's just knowing where to place the blame when

50:34

it occurs. A huge issue has to

50:36

be we're living in an unprecedented

50:38

individualistic society where we're just trying

50:40

to I guess find a

50:43

partner that meets her knees which is obviously

50:45

important but I feel

50:47

like a perspective shift and I love to get your

50:49

perspective is finding somebody that's worthy that

50:51

you can devote your life to increasing their

50:53

well-being. To find somebody that you actually want

50:55

to be in partnership with because you love

50:57

giving to them and helping seeing them flourish

50:59

and blossom not just because you feel like

51:01

it's gonna you know of course there's a

51:04

reciprocity but like adding somebody that you really

51:06

want to pour yourself into. Yeah

51:08

and I think that it stems from the

51:11

house I think unfortunately individualism has meant that

51:13

even in your own household particularly

51:16

in London and stuff they'll have a relationship even

51:18

with their own children where you might have to

51:21

pay rent at San Adrian. You encourage them to be

51:23

as independent as possible and like we're not going to

51:25

come and save you. You've got to do it all

51:27

yourself. The problem is a child

51:29

learns from a very young age is

51:31

every man for themselves and as a

51:33

result it becomes difficult for them to

51:35

be truly like invested and altruistic in

51:37

their relationships and give. People can fall

51:39

into two strategies they either become

51:42

excessive takers or excessive givers both are

51:44

equally toxic so an excessive giver will

51:46

feel like you know that you don't

51:48

even have to earn the amount they

51:51

give you. They give and they give

51:53

and they give. The problem with that

51:55

particularly with people who are anxious they

51:57

give endlessly. The problem with that is

51:59

unconsciously they create a balance sheet of how much

52:01

they've done for you. And when

52:03

you don't reciprocate or when you

52:05

don't appreciate, they have an overreaction.

52:07

But really, nobody asked you to

52:09

give that much. I know that's

52:11

a harsh reality because our goodness

52:13

should be rewarded. But sometimes that's

52:15

coming from a place of need

52:18

rather than actual genuine altruism. So

52:20

there's the excessive giver and then

52:22

there's the excessive taker, somebody who

52:24

is so comfortable with taking and

52:26

so frugal with giving. Now, they

52:28

tend to find each other. These two people

52:30

tend to find each other. Givers naturally

52:33

attract takers and takers naturally attract good

52:35

because they're a perfect match for their

52:37

own pathologies. The key is to always,

52:39

you can't make people give more to

52:41

you. You can't make that. If I've

52:44

given, given to you and you're not

52:46

giving anything back, the worst

52:48

thing I can do is continue to give as a

52:50

way of role modeling. The best thing I can do

52:52

is reduce my investment till I match you. Or

52:54

you just have to match your partner's investment.

52:57

When you match each other's equal investment, there'll

52:59

be less resentment. But when one person is doing

53:01

too much, they're going to resent you. One person is

53:03

taking too much that they're going to disrespect you. So

53:06

you just have to match each other's investment.

53:08

I would say. It really feels like

53:10

they're two sides on the same coin, you know?

53:12

And I mean, I'd rather be surrounded with a

53:15

giver all day, but at the same time, they're

53:17

both trying to fulfill the same need of

53:19

how they think that they're going to be able to be worthier or

53:21

in love. Yeah, they both have a

53:23

wound, a deprivation wound. It's

53:26

just nicer to be around the giver

53:28

than it is to be around the

53:30

taker. But takers are never with two

53:32

takers. It's an impossibility. Like one is

53:34

trying to take the other one's not

53:36

giving anything. They don't really find each

53:38

other. So givers and takers tend to

53:40

surround each other, except from friendships. Friendships,

53:42

givers tend to stay together. And takers

53:44

tend to stay together. But in romantic

53:46

relationships, the pathologists tend to align. How

53:49

do you like to give love in your

53:51

partnership? I'm an active service kind of person. So

53:53

I do like to cook and I do like

53:55

to, you know, massages. And

53:57

I like to make sure everything's good almost like

53:59

an nurse and then afterwards I'm like I'm

54:01

so tired no one looks after me and then

54:03

I play victim so I'm like I'm a giver

54:05

but I'm keeping score so I'm a bitch. So

54:09

I would say that an access service come

54:12

very natural to me it doesn't bother me

54:14

in in the slightest and I'm constantly aware

54:16

of what this person might need or whatever

54:18

he needs but at the same time I

54:20

can play martyr when I'm triggered I'm like

54:22

see I do so much so I hold

54:24

it against in the long run

54:26

so that's why it's almost like you have to take

54:29

with caution with me because I'm a bitch. How

54:32

do you like to give?

54:34

I'm actually the same I love

54:36

access service to me like not that words of

54:38

affirmation aren't beautiful and can be received but they

54:40

honestly really don't do a whole lot for me.

54:42

They do nothing for me I hate compliments

54:44

I hate words I'm like shut up. But

54:49

I don't know how I like to receive but I

54:51

know I like to give in that way. I'm also

54:53

not a big presence person I don't know what to

54:55

I'd rather just do something for you but words

54:57

just don't mean anything

55:00

to me only because I am

55:03

so aware that they can be meaningless

55:05

they can they don't have to be

55:07

true. Yeah I mean I think there's something

55:09

there's an important distinction here because you know

55:12

there's there's words that can be empty where

55:14

somebody has an ulterior motive for what they're

55:17

trying to get out of you by saying

55:19

certain things which is very fickle and you

55:21

can feel that energy where that's coming versus

55:23

somebody's like real heartfelt reflection of how you've

55:25

impacted them or you know I've experienced that

55:27

in past relationships or even people come up

55:29

to me about the podcast and I think

55:31

it is important to be able to receive

55:34

those and to be able to acknowledge someone's

55:36

genuine compassion and appreciation

55:40

and for me at the same like

55:42

in terms of partnership there's there's this

55:44

real deep love that is

55:46

expressed through acts of service that you're showing

55:48

in your works in the world and how

55:51

you like you know you're really spending your

55:53

life force energy and time and into that

55:55

so I personally love doing things that help

55:57

my partner blossom and yeah you know. feel

56:00

seen in that way. And you receive how?

56:02

How do you like to receive? I

56:05

think I love to receive physical

56:07

touch and access

56:09

service. You're an action person. Yeah,

56:11

you like actions over words. And the

56:13

thing my problem is I don't appreciate

56:15

even kind words. I struggle to accept.

56:18

What's going on there, Sadia? Come on, look, we'll

56:20

unpack this a little bit. You

56:22

know, I get it. You know, people are so nice online

56:24

and even when I go somewhere and I'm super, super uncomfortable

56:26

and there's a part of me that just goes, oh, and

56:28

I think what happened is I used to work in a

56:31

boys school and I used to teach psychology in a boys

56:33

school and I was like 21 and they were

56:35

like 18. And so they would

56:37

be like, oh, you're so hot. So I

56:39

go into the habit of thinking compliments are

56:41

disgusting because it was coming from these dead

56:44

little boys. So I ended up transforming that

56:46

to everybody. So now I just hate compliments.

56:48

And it's a real problem because it means

56:50

I can't really receive compliments, but it

56:52

means I pay more attention to behaviors than words. So

56:54

I do like the fact

56:57

that somebody can't really ignite

56:59

much attachment from me from their words. They would

57:01

have to do it with behaviors. So I kind

57:03

of like it, but it'd be nice if I

57:05

could get the joy out of compliments that most

57:07

people get. Well, I think there's a

57:09

difference between having healthy self-esteem to where someone's

57:11

praise or blame really doesn't affect you and

57:14

how you view yourself, which is healthy. You

57:16

know, online you're going to get a bunch

57:19

of amazing comments and a bunch of people who just

57:21

don't understand you want to project onto you. Right. So

57:23

it's like, you know, it's

57:25

important to receive constructive criticism and like

57:27

listen and have the capacity for that.

57:30

So you could have that. But then there's also

57:32

like part of us, I feel like oftentimes that

57:34

just doesn't believe we're worthy of receiving love in

57:36

that way. Do you feel like primarily

57:38

it's just that conditioning of like those old boys for

57:40

you that like, I just don't think it's

57:42

true. I genuinely for some reason, I just

57:44

don't think it's true. And so when someone

57:46

compliments me a lot, I just assume that

57:48

they're lying to me. So it actually makes

57:50

me have a disdain towards them rather than

57:52

appreciation. I know that sounds so bizarre, but

57:54

the more they compliment me and I'm like,

57:56

Oh, you're just lying. Isn't that terrible? It's

57:58

a terrible. If I

58:00

was saying what you were saying right now, you

58:03

put your psychologist head on how would you diagnose

58:05

what that is? That

58:08

you don't believe that you're worthy of those things

58:10

so you assume the person is lying rather than

58:12

changing your own core belief about yourself But

58:18

I think what's helping is being online and helping

58:20

people it has changed everything I think on the

58:22

surface I can admit that you know, things are

58:24

nice and things are great I can admit that

58:26

but I think self-esteem and deep down. I don't

58:29

know how much I can receive it I can

58:31

accept that they might mean it but i'm just

58:33

not good at receiving it because I don't know

58:36

I think I think it's a vacuous thing to come

58:40

Maybe because I don't know this sounds a

58:42

bit silly But a lot of the time

58:44

on my podcast and so sometimes people can

58:46

focus on the aesthetics and they can be

58:48

like oh Hair makeup good or bad they

58:50

can focus on that because I don't attach

58:52

anything to those types of comments. I Start

58:55

to um, I just find

58:57

it a bit empty and similarly even with

58:59

my work where people really enjoy my work

59:02

And they really like what i'm saying because

59:04

to me i'm like, oh, but come on.

59:06

It's nothing. It's nothing I just see when

59:08

I achieve something immediately becomes nothing to me.

59:10

I don't know why I remember the first

59:12

time I started instagram Which is in 2023

59:15

or something like that 2022. It wasn't that long ago I

59:18

remember seeing somebody with 8 000 followers and say

59:21

oh my god. He has 8 000 followers That's

59:23

amazing. And then I would get to

59:25

800 000 i'd be like, oh nothing

59:27

Yeah, the moment I achieve something I

59:29

start to think that achievement is not

59:31

worthy and it's so easy because if

59:33

I can do it Anyone can do

59:35

it. I don't know if that's a

59:37

weird thing But I just somehow when

59:39

I achieve something that thing loses its

59:41

credibility I mean, I think In

59:43

order for really us to manifest everything or anything

59:45

We kind of have to expect it and like

59:47

know we're capable of it in a way for

59:49

it to even to fully come in In the

59:51

first place so we kind of get disenchanted with

59:54

like the numbers after a certain point like A

59:56

big win and a small one kind of feel the

59:58

same like when you had You know for the

1:00:01

followers metric you know you have a thousand followers

1:00:03

you might be similar feeling if not the same

1:00:05

to one hundred thousand. Win

1:00:07

as a win yeah and so do

1:00:10

you feel like you source self-esteem at

1:00:12

all through career and weirdly really bad

1:00:14

and i feel really grateful saying this i'm

1:00:16

very proud of myself i'm very proud of

1:00:19

how quickly it's grown. But

1:00:21

one thing i'm most proud of since

1:00:23

my growth on social media is how

1:00:25

little it's changed me and how little

1:00:28

it's affected me if you see my

1:00:30

day to day routine it's exactly the

1:00:32

same as before all of this. If

1:00:34

you see well how i take enjoyment

1:00:36

is exactly the same nothing's changed whatsoever

1:00:38

my close friends and family my partner

1:00:41

can attest to this that not one

1:00:43

part of me has changed in any way shape

1:00:45

or form. Maybe and sometimes they say is that because

1:00:47

in your head you always thought you're a bit famous

1:00:49

and now you're like right now you guys realize okay

1:00:51

good so maybe there's a part of you is like

1:00:54

oh finally. Generally speaking

1:00:56

it has not changed me in the slightest

1:00:58

it hasn't even changed like where i shop

1:01:00

like you know little things like that it

1:01:02

doesn't hasn't changed anything about me in any

1:01:04

way shape or form. So i think the

1:01:06

growth in social media has made me more

1:01:09

private like more proud not on the growth

1:01:11

on social media is made me proud of

1:01:13

the person i truly am at home

1:01:15

because that doesn't get affected by.

1:01:18

You know increase in payment or increasing notoriety

1:01:20

so i'm quite proud of that person that

1:01:22

still at home more than i am proud

1:01:24

of the growth on social media. I

1:01:27

like that i think that's just like

1:01:29

integrity finding the identity

1:01:32

that's kind of indivisible you know what

1:01:34

i really liked about it is well one thing

1:01:36

i really like is my friends are so similar

1:01:38

they're so non materialistic they're so not fame hungry

1:01:41

like so many times i've been like i was

1:01:43

just posted like no i'm not into that stuff

1:01:45

or if i say look guys do

1:01:47

you want something i you know i've done really well

1:01:49

here do you want me to buy it and i

1:01:51

really wish i but i really don't like stuff not

1:01:53

like me too i don't like anything like what do

1:01:55

we do. I like to do something with it i

1:01:57

just save it for something so i like the. that

1:02:00

I've learned that my values

1:02:03

are really not attuned to

1:02:05

like notoriety, you know, money.

1:02:07

It's just not who I am. It's just I think

1:02:09

at a time I thought, oh, that would be really

1:02:12

cool. That'd be really nice. I would love to see

1:02:14

if I like having you if I'd collect a bunch

1:02:16

of bags. But when I when I remember buying a

1:02:18

bag and then I just covered in makeup and lipstick

1:02:20

by the end of the night, I was like, oh

1:02:23

my god, I'm never spending this much on a bag

1:02:25

again. So it's just not my nature to indulge in

1:02:27

these kind of things. So I'm quite proud of knowing

1:02:29

that because most people might think they've got

1:02:31

intrinsic values, but they've not been tested. So

1:02:33

the fact that my extrinsic values have been

1:02:35

tested and they don't mean so much to

1:02:37

me is quite nice. I quite

1:02:39

like that part of my life. What do you

1:02:41

think it means to know yourself? You

1:02:44

know your full potential. You know your capacity

1:02:46

to love and be loved, but you also

1:02:48

know your capacity to hurt others. And you've

1:02:50

been mindful of both sides of the coin.

1:02:52

I think that second part

1:02:54

is really important because you can't really trust somebody

1:02:56

if they don't have the awareness of what their

1:03:00

ability to fall prey to their own shadow.

1:03:02

Yeah, your ability to hurt. I

1:03:04

think it's really difficult when you're doing therapy with somebody

1:03:06

and you ask them, where do you go wrong in

1:03:08

your relationship? So what did you do wrong? And they're

1:03:10

like baffled. Oh, I've never thought about that. And I

1:03:13

just think you don't know yourself

1:03:15

until you know your worst qualities and

1:03:17

how they could potentially impact others because those

1:03:19

are the qualities that you need to work

1:03:21

on the most. And if you're ignoring those

1:03:23

and highlighting all the things that you love

1:03:25

about yourself, you are going to fall into

1:03:27

the realm of more narcissism. So try and

1:03:29

focus on the things of how you can

1:03:31

potentially hurt the people around you. Do

1:03:34

you think the most prevalent effective way

1:03:36

to gain awareness as to what those

1:03:38

shadows are, are interpersonal dynamics and relationships?

1:03:41

Absolutely. Everybody's great when they're home alone by

1:03:43

themselves. Everybody is, especially when people are single, they're

1:03:45

like, Oh, I don't really have a temper in

1:03:47

myself. I was like, I'm so

1:03:49

confident. Nothing's pissing me off. Well,

1:03:51

there's nothing happening. Nothing happening. I'm so

1:03:53

calm and so confident. And only with my partner,

1:03:55

I'm like jealous and insecure and all these things

1:03:58

that I didn't know I had these. So

1:04:01

I think that your morality and your

1:04:03

genuine, like your insecurities are only tested

1:04:05

when you're in human dynamics. It doesn't

1:04:07

just have to be your partner. Some

1:04:10

people are totally fine, but they

1:04:12

might get jealous of their friends, or they might get competitive with

1:04:14

the people they love. They have the dynamics

1:04:17

between people that reveal your core

1:04:19

self. The

1:04:22

dynamics of how we engage in relationships

1:04:24

are so much informed by

1:04:26

the template that we had when we saw

1:04:28

our parents relate in the early stages of

1:04:30

development as a child. I'm

1:04:33

just curious, like so

1:04:35

much suffering is in

1:04:37

dynamic in relationship with either other people

1:04:39

or other phenomena in life. It's like

1:04:41

how we perceive our relationship to the

1:04:43

thing. So what

1:04:46

have you seen as the most effective healing

1:04:48

modalities to actually transform who we are? It's

1:04:51

not just change from one identity to another,

1:04:53

but actually transform and heal those coping mechanisms,

1:04:55

those attachment styles that keep us stuck in

1:04:58

a lower vibration than exist in. I know

1:05:00

this sounds like a cop-out, but

1:05:02

I would honestly say selecting a

1:05:05

very good partner is a lifelong

1:05:07

therapy session. It really transforms

1:05:09

you. I really see

1:05:11

a lot of people who might be anxious,

1:05:13

and they've got this partner that's abusive, a

1:05:15

bit neglectful, and they're coming to me to

1:05:17

heal. I said, I'm so

1:05:20

sorry, but you have an hour a week with me.

1:05:22

You have 24-7 with your partner who

1:05:24

makes you feel unseen. You

1:05:27

can soothe yourself. You can try and calm

1:05:29

yourself. But I promise you, the impact

1:05:31

of a loving and consistent partner

1:05:34

is something that if I could bottle it and sell it

1:05:36

to you, I wish I could. But

1:05:39

there's something about having a secure partner,

1:05:41

which not everybody is, but I know

1:05:43

it's really hard to find, but a

1:05:46

secure partner who is happy to meet

1:05:48

your needs, is happy to help you

1:05:50

heal, and you're doing the same for

1:05:53

them. You both have the right intentions.

1:05:55

That will act like, that

1:05:57

will do more for you than any set of people.

1:06:00

therapy session. I do agree you

1:06:02

can self-soothe in certain ways, but

1:06:04

part of self-soothing and

1:06:06

part of self-esteem is good selection. If

1:06:09

I'm working on

1:06:11

my self-esteem, I'm going to

1:06:14

the gym, I'm working out, I'm taking cold

1:06:16

plunges, I'm doing all of this, I'm making

1:06:18

money, I'm doing all of those things, but

1:06:21

I'm choosing the wrong partner, unfortunately, I won't

1:06:23

heal the same way. So I do think

1:06:25

selection is everything. Now, if you're already in

1:06:27

that situation and you have selected a partner

1:06:29

that is like this, then the key is

1:06:31

still to work on yourself and enhance your

1:06:33

self-esteem, but try and meet those core needs

1:06:35

from not just that partner. Try and spread

1:06:38

the core needs. If you have a

1:06:40

bit of anxiety and your partner is not

1:06:42

always available, a little bit more avoidant, try

1:06:45

and place some of your happiness in your

1:06:47

friendships or in your parents or in your

1:06:49

children. Try and delegate some of that connection.

1:06:51

But human connection and healthy human connection

1:06:54

is very, very powerful. What

1:06:56

would you say to support somebody in the process of

1:06:58

that realization where maybe they've been in a committed partnership

1:07:00

for a long time and they come to realize that

1:07:03

I want to be in union or partnership

1:07:05

with somebody who is

1:07:08

committed to also that lifelong therapy process, and they want

1:07:10

to go on that journey, but

1:07:13

they then have to let go who they're

1:07:15

with. In the process of separating and breaking

1:07:17

up with somebody where oftentimes there's so many

1:07:19

familial, financial ties, things that just make the

1:07:21

whole process much more difficult, the

1:07:23

courage and strength to be able to go through

1:07:25

with their intuition on that process. How do you

1:07:27

support someone with that? I would just

1:07:29

say to them, it's very, very difficult to break

1:07:32

all those investments and it's really, really heartbreaking. It's

1:07:34

a very difficult task. But the main thing is

1:07:36

your goal in life is not to be with

1:07:38

this person. Your goal in life is to have

1:07:40

a healthy relationship. If this person

1:07:42

is providing you with a healthy relationship,

1:07:45

absolutely invest everything. Two feet in, jump

1:07:47

in, close all alternatives and do it.

1:07:49

But if they're not, then unfortunately you're

1:07:51

placing a happiness in a person rather

1:07:53

than that. The goal is to be

1:07:55

in a good relationship. If they

1:07:57

can't provide you with that, try and let go

1:07:59

of the video. Try and have a

1:08:01

very clear vision of what kind of relationship you

1:08:03

see yourself in. And whilst

1:08:05

you have that clear vision, try and be

1:08:07

happy for your ex. Try and be like,

1:08:10

you know, I know he's not good for

1:08:12

me. I know she's not very good for

1:08:14

me, but we're just so not aligned in

1:08:16

terms of this area. So therefore, I wish

1:08:18

them the best. Try and have no

1:08:20

negativity towards people in your past because they would

1:08:22

have taught you something. And

1:08:24

the worst thing you can do is just say, they did this and

1:08:26

they're awful. The better thing to do

1:08:28

is I selected them for a particular reason. I

1:08:30

must have felt really low. There was something wrong with me.

1:08:33

I chose this person. No one put a gun to my head. And

1:08:36

therefore, I'm not going to wish them anything negative. I'm

1:08:38

not going to hope for anything. I wish them the

1:08:40

absolute best. But I know this is

1:08:42

not going to serve me if I want

1:08:44

a healthy, happy relationship. And try

1:08:47

and remove that negativity and replace it with a

1:08:49

vision, a clear vision of where you see yourself

1:08:51

in the future. And where

1:08:53

you see yourself in the future

1:08:55

should involve complete understanding of what

1:08:57

caused this relationship

1:09:00

to be so destructive. Do they not

1:09:02

reply? Do they kind of want

1:09:04

too much independence? Were they too clingy? Whatever

1:09:06

it was, make sure you understand that fully

1:09:08

and try and repair before you just dive

1:09:10

into a new relationship with somebody who just

1:09:12

has one quality the old one didn't. So

1:09:14

don't use another human being as a numbing

1:09:16

cream to help you, but try and reflect

1:09:18

on their qualities and really keep that vision

1:09:20

in mind. Would you say

1:09:22

that the biggest thing to discern whether or

1:09:24

not it's worth either investing or leaving is

1:09:26

somebody's willingness to go on that journey with

1:09:28

you? Yeah, people's willingness to compromise. I

1:09:31

think that's the main thing that everybody has

1:09:34

problems. I mean, myself, my husband, it's

1:09:36

inevitable. But the key is when you express

1:09:39

a need, is it met with, OK, I'm

1:09:41

going to try or is it met with,

1:09:43

why should I go fix yourself? Go, you

1:09:45

need therapy. If it's met with

1:09:47

that hostility, that person is not going to change.

1:09:49

They're simply not going to change. And other times

1:09:51

it's met with, here's the key. Some people are

1:09:53

really manipulative. They'll say, no, I don't want to

1:09:56

change. But then when you go to leave them,

1:09:58

they'll cry and say, I promise I'm going to

1:10:00

change. I promise you're going to say, look at

1:10:02

their behavior, it's not their work. Yeah. So if,

1:10:04

for example, I express a need to my partner,

1:10:06

forget what he says in response to it, but

1:10:09

if I see his behavior has gotten a bit

1:10:11

better, I see that he's trying his best, it's

1:10:13

not going to be perfect, but he's trying his

1:10:15

best. He's worth committing to. But if I see

1:10:17

somebody whose behavior has never changed, I always find

1:10:20

them doing the same thing and then begging, saying

1:10:22

that they're going to change. Well, it's their behavior

1:10:24

you use as an indicator

1:10:26

of whether or not it's worth staying and fighting

1:10:28

for. Do you think

1:10:30

having attraction to other people while you're in

1:10:33

partnership is a normal thing and natural thing?

1:10:35

Oh, I'm curious. Look, I'm a very

1:10:37

unique individual when it comes to those

1:10:40

things because I kind of get blinkers

1:10:42

and I forget what attraction actually is. Yeah,

1:10:45

blinders. Yes. And I get blinkers. I really,

1:10:47

really have that with my partner. I just

1:10:49

have these blinkers. You mean blinders? Is

1:10:51

that what I mean to say? Yeah, probably. That's

1:10:53

all I'm saying. Blinkers are just like, if you're turning

1:10:56

left or right on your car. Is

1:10:58

that an American thing? Maybe I've got it

1:11:00

wrong. I've got it wrong. Blinders.

1:11:02

That's what it is. So I

1:11:04

kind of just don't know. I

1:11:07

personally, I don't have that kind

1:11:09

of open attraction, but I'm

1:11:11

very aware that most people do, but

1:11:13

I also think it's usually

1:11:15

more likely to happen when you're not physically

1:11:18

attracted to your partner. I think that's where,

1:11:20

what it really stems from. I think when

1:11:22

you are genuinely attracted to your partner and

1:11:24

you don't feel like you've settled and you

1:11:26

don't feel like you've just got, you know,

1:11:29

been taken what you're given, I think what

1:11:31

happens is there's a natural kind of

1:11:33

dim light on everybody else because you're

1:11:35

somewhat content. But when you're not truly

1:11:37

attracted to your partner, I think we

1:11:39

have a heightened reaction to those around

1:11:41

us. I also think it comes

1:11:43

from our own insecurity. When you are not

1:11:46

used to receiving a lot of attention and

1:11:48

praise and you're not used to receiving attention

1:11:51

from the opposite gender, you can get very

1:11:53

easily attracted to others. You can get super

1:11:55

hypervigilant to other people and

1:11:57

their validation. But when you. gone

1:12:00

through life where you receive that all the

1:12:02

time, you realize that an attractive person is

1:12:05

no more valuable than an unattractive person deep

1:12:07

down. And it's not really the end of

1:12:09

the world if somebody is beautiful. It's not

1:12:11

worth jeopardizing your entire life over. So I

1:12:13

think it's normal, but I do think you

1:12:15

should limit it. I think the key thing

1:12:18

to do when you are attractive,

1:12:20

or you do meet somebody that you're super

1:12:22

attracted to, is to limit your interaction. Go

1:12:24

out and police yourself. I know that sounds

1:12:26

a little bit like, you know, a bit

1:12:28

constrictive, but if you've got an underlying attraction

1:12:30

and then you're going to the next steps,

1:12:32

it's not going to be healthy for your

1:12:34

relationship. The better thing to do is recognize

1:12:36

I'm attracted to somebody new, and it happens,

1:12:38

no worries. But because I'm attracted to somebody

1:12:41

new, I'm going to limit my emotional investment

1:12:43

with them. I'm going to limit my access

1:12:45

to them, because I know there's an underlying

1:12:47

attraction. What do you think? Do you think

1:12:49

it's normal to be attracted to new people?

1:12:51

I think there's many different layers of

1:12:54

it. There's the physical attraction, which might

1:12:56

fluctuate in a long-term partnership, especially we're

1:12:58

all going to turn into ball bags

1:13:01

eventually. Absolutely. I'm already there. No, you're

1:13:03

not. It's definitely not true. What I

1:13:05

find attractive is, of course, the physical

1:13:08

beauty. But even deeper

1:13:10

than that is someone's presence, how

1:13:12

somebody's values their

1:13:15

creativity, their maternal nature, how loving

1:13:18

and kind their heart is. I think

1:13:20

that in partnership, the

1:13:22

physical attraction may fluctuate, but as long as

1:13:24

those are there and those are present, and

1:13:27

hopefully they continue to bloom as somebody grows

1:13:29

and matures as an individual, so too do

1:13:31

those qualities of compassion and empathy

1:13:33

and perspective and self-awareness, a

1:13:36

lot of those things would grow too. Then

1:13:39

it takes the pull,

1:13:42

the magnetism, the fantasy of the

1:13:44

grass being greener on the other side that

1:13:46

diminishes. At the same time,

1:13:48

I think that there's a natural process.

1:13:51

I know a lot of men struggle with

1:13:53

this and the understanding of what it

1:13:55

means to really commit to somebody and the investment

1:13:58

of building a family. having

1:14:00

sex with someone else for the rest of

1:14:02

your life. Yeah, sounds scary to them. I

1:14:04

can, you know, for sure, understandably. But at

1:14:06

the same time, you can also like look

1:14:08

at attraction or have an appreciation of beauty

1:14:10

without obviously one needing to take any action

1:14:12

on it. Yeah. But then to come into

1:14:14

different relationship with how we navigate

1:14:16

that, that awakening of like

1:14:19

life force energy when we see something that

1:14:21

is beautiful, the natural

1:14:23

response of any organism is like a

1:14:25

sense of awe, a sense of

1:14:27

wanting to be drawn towards it. But

1:14:30

I think as we grow and mature as individuals,

1:14:32

what we find attractive changes and to be honest,

1:14:34

I could meet somebody who is like a, like

1:14:37

a beautiful supermodel externally. And

1:14:39

if they're really disconnected from themselves, if they have

1:14:42

all this unresolved stuff in, in shadow material, I

1:14:44

just don't find them attractive. Like they

1:14:46

can be hot, but they're not

1:14:48

learned. They're not beautiful in that way,

1:14:50

you know. And I think

1:14:53

what really helps is trying to desexualize

1:14:55

the opposite gender. I think it's really

1:14:57

important to have friendships, platonic relationships with

1:14:59

the opposite gender, because it desexualizes them.

1:15:01

When the more time you spend with

1:15:03

females and males and you realize that

1:15:05

they're flawed like everybody else, they, you

1:15:07

know, they're a bit boring like everybody

1:15:09

else, they can be, you know, every

1:15:11

people who don't access the opposite gender

1:15:14

often in other contexts outside of romantic

1:15:16

relationships tend to sexualize them a bit

1:15:18

quicker and easier. So I think desexualizing

1:15:20

them is really important. Humanizing people that

1:15:22

you're attracted to as well. Like they get

1:15:24

sick and they have a period and they,

1:15:26

you know, they may wake up messy too.

1:15:28

And so when you de, when you dehumanize

1:15:30

them, you kind of have this elevated idea

1:15:33

that they're beautiful all day, every day. So

1:15:35

they're worth every risk that you're going to

1:15:37

take to access them. But the reality is

1:15:40

women are women. They have the same ups

1:15:42

and downs as everybody else. So I think

1:15:44

really trying to understand that beauty is always

1:15:47

going to be a commodity. It's always going

1:15:49

to be something you're attracted to, but learning

1:15:51

how to react to beauty is a really

1:15:53

important skill for a man. Don't you allow

1:15:55

beauty to help you make irrational decisions. Don't

1:15:58

allow it to be a form of. of

1:16:00

self abuse because you allow somebody just because

1:16:02

you're attracted to them to treat you badly,

1:16:04

just don't allow it to be the dictator

1:16:07

of your decisions. Instead, it should be a

1:16:09

natural nice quality. Of course, I'm not diminishing

1:16:11

how important beauty is, but don't let it

1:16:13

be the most interesting thing about you and

1:16:16

others. In a heterosexual relationship, what

1:16:18

do you think is one thing that men

1:16:20

don't really understand about what women want and

1:16:22

need? I think one

1:16:24

thing they don't realize is sometimes what

1:16:27

they don't necessarily want is as much

1:16:29

freedom and acceptance as you give them.

1:16:31

What I mean by this is we

1:16:33

will say, if you can't handle me

1:16:36

at my worst, you don't deserve me

1:16:38

at my best. We'll say, you should

1:16:40

love me regardless, you

1:16:42

should love me unconditionally. What they

1:16:44

truly want is somebody who is

1:16:46

able to respect themselves and know

1:16:48

when a behavior is unacceptable. What

1:16:51

they don't want is a doormat. They

1:16:53

really don't want it. I work with men all

1:16:55

the time. All the men that I've worked with

1:16:57

that have been cheated on or been left have

1:17:00

never been the bad guy. It's always been the

1:17:02

guy that just tried to happy wife, happy life.

1:17:04

The guy that was just like, she would have

1:17:06

a lot of tantrums, but I just used to

1:17:08

let her off. I just used to let her

1:17:10

calm down and she scratched my face a couple

1:17:13

of times, but it's okay. It was an accident.

1:17:15

It was funny. They'll say stuff like that. I've

1:17:17

caught her texting. I don't ever put any boundaries.

1:17:19

I don't do anything. I just want her to

1:17:21

be happy. I don't think they

1:17:23

realize that for women, actually your boundaries

1:17:25

and your self-esteem is a parameter of

1:17:28

how much we love you. If you

1:17:30

have no boundaries and no self-esteem, we

1:17:32

don't know the map of how to

1:17:34

love you. But if you know this

1:17:36

is your willingness to walk away, these

1:17:38

are your deal breakers, this is your

1:17:40

boundaries, I can somewhat navigate how to

1:17:42

love you correctly. And then I can

1:17:45

navigate my own behavior. Nobody wants to

1:17:47

be the worst version of themselves. Nobody

1:17:49

wants to be with a partner that

1:17:51

they can swear at, kick, do

1:17:53

all of it. We don't want to be around

1:17:56

that person that enables that. We want the person

1:17:58

that we know if we even cross that line

1:18:00

he'd be gone. So I think one

1:18:02

thing they don't understand is submission to

1:18:04

women is not truly what we're looking

1:18:06

for. We're trying to understand your level

1:18:08

of self-esteem and self-respect. We love your

1:18:11

self-esteem. We love your self-respect. Doesn't mean

1:18:13

you become hostile and aggressive and be

1:18:15

like, ah, I don't tolerate this. It's

1:18:17

just the case of I love you

1:18:19

so much, but this behavior I don't

1:18:21

tolerate and this behavior I can't accept.

1:18:23

So when you work on this and

1:18:25

fix it, perfect. But until that, I

1:18:27

can't keep nursing your tantrums

1:18:30

or I can't keep accepting unacceptable

1:18:33

behavior. That kind of way of

1:18:35

relaying your boundaries without

1:18:37

punishing the woman is very attractive. Yeah.

1:18:40

In a way, that's

1:18:42

a sign of a man not respecting

1:18:44

himself, which is unattractive. If they're going

1:18:46

to allow certain behavior that women

1:18:49

often sometimes do pass the boundaries of. We

1:18:52

all do. And initially, it feels like love.

1:18:54

When we are so rude and so disrespectful

1:18:56

and so bad and you forgive us, it

1:18:58

feels like, oh, he must really love you.

1:19:00

Very accepting. But later, it feels like he

1:19:02

doesn't love himself. Yeah. So it quickly turns

1:19:04

to, oh, he must really love me to,

1:19:06

oh, he must not really love himself. And

1:19:08

if he doesn't love himself, how can I

1:19:10

love him? Do you think there needs to

1:19:12

be a true leader

1:19:14

in the relationship? And of

1:19:16

course, they both, you know, men

1:19:19

and women, the dynamics might be different aspects

1:19:21

within the partnership. But in terms

1:19:23

of like where we're going, do you feel like there

1:19:25

needs to be a clear individual? There

1:19:27

should be a clear leader. Of course, I would say

1:19:29

like, you know, a masculine leader should be there, but

1:19:31

that leadership should be not given simply assigned by gender.

1:19:33

And what I mean by that is let's say I'm

1:19:35

in a relationship with a man and he's I'm the

1:19:37

leader, I'm the boss, you have to follow me. But

1:19:40

he's dumb as a doorknob, doesn't know what's going on.

1:19:42

And he's, you know, useless. But because he's a man,

1:19:44

he thinks he owns it. And a lot of men

1:19:46

do this. I'm the man. So you have to listen

1:19:48

to me and you have to submit to me. But

1:19:51

the submission comes from us seeing that you

1:19:53

are a natural leader and how we know

1:19:55

you're a great leader is you make good

1:19:57

decisions for you, me and both of us.

1:20:00

long term. You make good decisions for

1:20:02

us. But if you don't, if you're

1:20:05

not a good decision maker, if you're

1:20:07

not a good problem solver, if you

1:20:09

are not, you have no self-control, how

1:20:11

can we just trust your leadership? So

1:20:13

have that self-control, have that, you know,

1:20:16

problem-solving mentality and as a result we

1:20:18

will naturally let you lead. But just

1:20:20

leading because you're the man won't work.

1:20:23

It will just make you insufferable. So on

1:20:25

that note then, what's one thing that you feel

1:20:27

like after working with so many individuals and couples

1:20:30

that women really don't understand a man truly

1:20:32

desires and needs in partnership? He needs

1:20:34

sex a lot more than we want

1:20:37

and need and care for. Yeah, it's

1:20:39

really, really important. I feel like a lot of

1:20:41

women might disagree with that and say that sometimes that they're

1:20:43

the ones that want. Yes, I

1:20:45

do agree. I do agree. But even in those

1:20:47

cases where they feel like their man doesn't want

1:20:50

it as much, he might be turning to pornography.

1:20:52

He might be outsourcing

1:20:54

it. I would be very mindful

1:20:56

of a man that is not

1:20:59

giving you the amount of sex that you would imagine a

1:21:01

man to have. Be mindful. I

1:21:03

don't mean to put any paranoia in

1:21:05

your mind, but having worked with so

1:21:07

many men all these years, the primary

1:21:09

kind of thing that upset, like their

1:21:11

form of appreciation and love, they kind

1:21:13

of want that first. They feel loved

1:21:15

through that and then they're a bit

1:21:17

more happy to help you, happy to

1:21:19

do the, a bit more compassionate. It

1:21:21

kind of is the route to accessing

1:21:23

other kind of good qualities.

1:21:26

But if he's not doing that and you have

1:21:28

a husband that's a bit asexual either,

1:21:30

I know it sounds horrible, but ask yourself, is

1:21:32

he still attracted to you? And definitely your fault.

1:21:34

Maybe you've changed a lot or maybe you haven't

1:21:37

changed. And he says, but if you haven't changed

1:21:39

a lot and he's not doing that, is there

1:21:41

any chance he could be outsourcing it? It doesn't

1:21:43

mean another woman. It could just be pornography, but

1:21:45

is there any chance he's outsourcing it? And if

1:21:47

you are a man that's outsourcing it, it's not

1:21:50

fair on your partner. It's really not fair on

1:21:52

your partner. Another consideration too is

1:21:54

just the genuine levels of

1:21:56

someone's testosterone as a man, I

1:21:58

think somewhere around the hour. 20-year-old

1:22:00

has less testosterone than the men

1:22:02

in his 50s. It's a

1:22:05

couple decades back. Is that why it's gone down?

1:22:07

Yeah, it's horrible. Do you think the younger generation,

1:22:09

the men, will be less kind of like... I

1:22:12

mean, it's a fact that the testosterone

1:22:14

of young males has plummeted significantly. Do

1:22:17

you think they're more likely to be faithful? I

1:22:19

guess, I don't know about the correlation in terms

1:22:22

of testosterone levels and faithfulness, but I would just

1:22:24

say in general, like, connection to

1:22:26

their primal self, sex drive, ability to put

1:22:28

on muscle. A lot of these things that

1:22:30

help a man create a healthy self-esteem and

1:22:33

identity is more difficult

1:22:35

when you have so

1:22:37

many toxic chemicals and exposure. Is

1:22:40

there something that's causing that decrease

1:22:42

in testosterone? From my understanding,

1:22:44

it's an amalgamation of many

1:22:46

different factors, including the toxic chemicals and

1:22:48

heavy metals that we're exposed to in

1:22:51

our water and our food supply, the

1:22:53

nutrition density of our food, the

1:22:55

overexposure to blue light and lack of healthy

1:22:57

sunlight in the morning throughout the day. What does that

1:23:00

affect testosterone that much? Oh yeah, huge. Yeah,

1:23:02

crazy. So even keeping your phone in your pocket and

1:23:04

stuff like that can affect... Yeah, especially near

1:23:06

your balls for a guy who can really

1:23:08

stop testosterone. It's just

1:23:10

pulling us away from our biological evolution until you

1:23:12

think about what a hunter-gatherer or

1:23:14

ancestor kind of live in terms of their

1:23:16

connection to nature, in terms of their exposure

1:23:18

of sunlight, all these things. I

1:23:21

mean, that's just going to inform so much too. So do you

1:23:23

think then, what I said about men that

1:23:25

need that, do you think that's not necessarily

1:23:27

applicable to the younger generation? I think there's an

1:23:29

aspect of that too, but I just think that it's

1:23:32

not just young men, but also society

1:23:34

at large is like we've normalized things

1:23:36

that are really toxic and poisonous for

1:23:38

our well-being. And then we try to

1:23:40

figure out all these other remedies that

1:23:42

really could be fixed, like we were

1:23:44

speaking to earlier, by some simple changes

1:23:46

that nature would provide and that we've

1:23:48

evolved to have. That's

1:23:51

tough on it, guys, if that's what's happening, because

1:23:53

it's not a choice. It's like kind of just

1:23:56

the way the world's conditioned them. I

1:23:58

mean, it's the same thing also on a flip. I

1:24:00

feel like it's happening with women and their disconnection

1:24:02

to their cycles and yeah Infertility

1:24:05

is higher than ever and stuff like

1:24:07

that. So yeah, I guess we're both

1:24:09

becoming compatible Yeah,

1:24:15

okay, so is there is another thing outside of

1:24:17

sex that you feel like yeah appreciation

1:24:19

Yeah, I would say this is

1:24:21

a really important treatment men want to

1:24:23

feel I've been a bit jaded Just

1:24:25

one sec because I tend to see that side

1:24:28

of men but really you're getting a skewed

1:24:30

a pool Scued

1:24:33

can you not tell? Scued

1:24:36

but I would say even the way just

1:24:38

because you're working in Dubai if you like you're working with a

1:24:40

lot of those Okay. Yeah working in Dubai working with

1:24:44

Wealthier kind of men and working globally

1:24:47

and all this stuff and my content appeals to

1:24:49

only a certain type of man Not every man

1:24:51

can relate to it. So it

1:24:53

gives me a very skewed perception But

1:24:56

what I would say slightly more universal

1:24:58

is when men even when they are

1:25:00

outsourcing sexually I would still say they're

1:25:03

outsourcing desire and appreciation I think they

1:25:05

really really really require Appreciation as almost

1:25:07

like a driving force as a motivator

1:25:10

to do other things how

1:25:12

they might receive Appreciation is different for each

1:25:14

guy. Some men might want it verbally Some

1:25:16

might feel pretty appreciated when there's acts of

1:25:18

service like food or like, you know, something,

1:25:20

you know basic kind of very what? Nowadays

1:25:23

might be seen as primitive, but it's just they

1:25:25

just feel loved in that way It's just how

1:25:27

they do or someone might be feel appreciated by

1:25:30

physical touch But I do think a lack of

1:25:32

appreciation is like a slow suicide for a lot

1:25:34

of men They start to think why am I

1:25:36

doing this because we

1:25:38

as women have are very good at

1:25:41

creating social connections So mostly our

1:25:43

work or something gets complemented by several

1:25:45

people whether it's our parents whether it's

1:25:47

our friends Whether it's our hairdressers we

1:25:50

get we receive affirmations quite regularly Men

1:25:52

are quite deprived of that with their friends It's not

1:25:55

really as much with their you know, they don't walk

1:25:57

down the street and get as much validation So

1:26:00

when they get deprived of that even in their

1:26:02

home, they start to lose motivation. So I say

1:26:04

appreciation is quite an important trait for men. Would

1:26:06

you say there's anything in particular that men, if

1:26:09

you would give women advice on, because I don't want

1:26:12

to speak on your behalf, but if you were to

1:26:14

give women advice about men, what would you say is

1:26:16

something that they don't always realize? I really

1:26:18

agree with that appreciation. I think that

1:26:20

for men, I'd

1:26:22

love to get your perspective on this,

1:26:25

but I do think that women really

1:26:27

appreciate like healthy ownership, like from

1:26:29

a man that in this boss

1:26:31

babe psychology would push against, like, I don't need to

1:26:33

be owned by a man, but there's like a healthy

1:26:35

level of ownership. They do like it. When there's a

1:26:37

devotion reverence to the feminine, then you want to protect

1:26:40

it, you want to take care for it. And there's

1:26:42

a great joy in being a provider as a man.

1:26:44

Of course, I'm speaking more generally

1:26:46

in traditional kind of male, female. And

1:26:49

not being exploited, but providing because you're

1:26:51

being a provider, not because you're being

1:26:53

exploited, yeah. Yeah, I think men, we

1:26:55

just really enjoy being needed and being

1:26:58

acknowledged for the fact that we're providing

1:27:00

in the

1:27:02

delusion or

1:27:05

dissolution of our own like masculine energy

1:27:07

as men. And then also within women

1:27:09

and their own femininity, I think is

1:27:11

like decreasing that polarity. But becoming a

1:27:13

bit androgynous both men and women. Yeah, we're- I think

1:27:16

it's as good or bad, maybe it was great. But

1:27:19

it is like we're skewing, removing

1:27:21

femininity from women and masculine people.

1:27:23

Compatibly becoming incompatible or whatever you

1:27:25

say. I don't know

1:27:28

what's happening to us. It'd be an interesting

1:27:30

social experiment when like AI come and all

1:27:32

this stuff. So yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?

1:27:34

Yeah, so we'll see. Isn't it crazy? Yeah, I

1:27:36

mean, this is separate. But

1:27:39

I mean, I agree with what you're saying.

1:27:41

I think that there's like that level of

1:27:43

healthy ownership where a man wants to, like

1:27:46

when a woman lets a man be a man and

1:27:50

appreciates it and rewards it and

1:27:52

doesn't try to be a man for

1:27:54

him. Yeah, because like I was online the

1:27:56

other day and I saw some woman saying, oh my

1:27:59

God, she is amazing. male sympathizer. And I

1:28:01

thought, what does a male sympathizer mean? Is

1:28:03

like having sympathy for men? Is that a

1:28:05

bad thing? As you said it like it's

1:28:07

the grossest thing in the world. And I

1:28:09

just thought, are we supposed to, are we

1:28:11

not supposed to sympathize with them? Why are

1:28:13

we not supposed to sympathize? It's almost like

1:28:15

a lack of appreciation

1:28:17

for men has become the norm

1:28:19

and it has become the standard and the lack

1:28:21

of appreciation of what they go through. Even

1:28:24

things like when it comes to cheating, when a

1:28:26

male cheats, it's almost straight away narcissist. He's a

1:28:28

narcissist. But when a woman shoots, there's still

1:28:30

an air level of empathy women have towards other

1:28:32

women when they treat and be like, yeah, but

1:28:35

he wasn't really doing this for you. And he

1:28:37

wasn't doing that for you. There's seven excuses made

1:28:39

in that moment. So I just think that the

1:28:41

lack of appreciation has become the cultural norm and

1:28:43

I don't think it's necessarily healthy for their mental

1:28:46

health. Yeah, I agree. I think there's

1:28:48

so much like fatherlessness is

1:28:50

a real epidemic. The lack of

1:28:52

ritual initiation and like real, like

1:28:55

a real fatherhood, I think. And

1:28:57

they learn about men through the lens of

1:28:59

a woman when there's no father. And sometimes

1:29:01

the woman, especially if she's been scorned by

1:29:04

the father can have a negative perception so

1:29:06

that it creates a disconnection from their own

1:29:08

masculinity and a disconnection from other men. They

1:29:10

almost feel safer without the other men, but

1:29:13

then that tips away at the masculinity again.

1:29:15

So it's very difficult for them. It's very

1:29:17

difficult. The cycle continues. And the

1:29:19

cycle continues. Sorry, that sounds very like the world's

1:29:21

over. Like you're going to hate your life. It's

1:29:23

not like that. I'm just saying worst case scenario,

1:29:26

this can happen. Cool. All right. I'm just

1:29:28

curious, is there anything else you want to share with our

1:29:30

audiences to the important ingredients there?

1:29:32

I would just say, look, just because you feel something doesn't mean

1:29:34

you have to do it. You might feel angry. It doesn't mean

1:29:36

you have to go to the screaming shower. You might feel like

1:29:39

sexual and you might want to go try something just

1:29:41

because you feel it doesn't mean you I

1:29:44

think there is a culture of

1:29:47

kind of just, you know, given

1:29:49

to your desires. Try to remember

1:29:51

your desires are sometimes self sabotaging.

1:29:53

Desires are not indicators of behavior.

1:29:55

They're not directions. They're not instructions.

1:29:57

They are just passing emotions. Sometimes

1:29:59

desires can kind of hijack your

1:30:01

thoughts, feelings and behaviors. If

1:30:03

you can get a handle of your desires,

1:30:06

whether it comes to food, whether it's exercise,

1:30:08

whether it's opposite gender, when it comes to

1:30:10

money, if you can handle your desires, you

1:30:12

really are like breaking the tie with the

1:30:14

devil. It's really going to help you. But

1:30:16

if you succumb to your desires the moment

1:30:18

you experience them, unfortunately, you're going to become

1:30:21

a prisoner to your lusts

1:30:24

and your hedonistic desires. So if you

1:30:27

can capture your desires young and you

1:30:29

can really work on minimizing the impact

1:30:31

of your desires and your decision making, you'll

1:30:33

have a lot more success in your life.

1:30:35

Oh, yeah, I think I will just add that there is

1:30:37

like an ideal

1:30:40

scenario is kind of merging our will

1:30:42

or desires with sort of like a

1:30:44

desire, the divine desire divine will where

1:30:46

what you want is what life wants for you and

1:30:48

there's like a healthy kind of healthy balance. But

1:30:51

you just ask yourself does this is giving

1:30:53

into this desire is going to lead to

1:30:55

any shame, regret or guilt. The desire is

1:30:57

not worth it. But if the desire has

1:30:59

no shame, regret, no guilt, no worries. If you're

1:31:01

somebody who works out a lot, and you have

1:31:03

a desire for cake, and you're not going to

1:31:05

experience any shame or guilt because you go

1:31:07

to the gym and you work out no

1:31:09

worries, but if it's going to constitute to

1:31:11

any shame, any guilt, any regret, try and

1:31:13

avoid it. I feel like there's just

1:31:15

such a big link there between our compulsiveness towards

1:31:18

habitually acting on those desires

1:31:20

and unconscious unconsciousness. Like they're the same

1:31:22

thing to me, compulsiveness, unconscious behavior,

1:31:24

you're acting on mechanisms that are happening

1:31:26

beneath the surface that you're not fully

1:31:28

aware of that are controlling your life

1:31:30

without your fully conscious. Yeah. And so

1:31:33

the journey is then coming into conscious

1:31:35

choice. The voice that's driving you

1:31:37

to kind of give into your desires

1:31:39

is that voice actually protect about you?

1:31:41

Is that voice self sabotaging? And if

1:31:43

it's ever self sabotaging, just ignore it.

1:31:46

I know I make it sound easy, because it's very difficult,

1:31:48

but try and at least be aware of him. I'm

1:31:51

sure awareness has got to be the first step. This

1:31:53

has been fun. Thank you for having me. Thank

1:31:55

you so much for having me. I really appreciate you.

1:31:57

Yeah, it's fine. I love diving.

1:31:59

getting into deep dialogue around all

1:32:02

this. And so much

1:32:04

of our fulfillment, I feel like, in life really

1:32:06

comes from the relationship that we have with ourself

1:32:08

first and foremost. Yeah. And

1:32:10

so I think a lot of important reflections that we

1:32:12

had in this conversation will be helpful for people.

1:32:15

God running. Yeah. Thank you again

1:32:17

for having me. I really appreciate you. Of course. Is there anywhere

1:32:19

people can find you or are you worried about people? Yes,

1:32:22

it's the Saudi Psychology on Instagram. But if

1:32:24

you just go to saudipsychology.com, you can see

1:32:26

all my services on there. Or I have

1:32:28

a Patreon with exclusive content and I do

1:32:30

one-to-ones. And there's live events

1:32:32

and stuff that you can also attend at any point.

1:32:35

Amazing. Last note I'll have just, I

1:32:37

guess, for the audience and everyone who's

1:32:39

tuning in is part of the beauty

1:32:41

of having humanity is the differencing perspectives

1:32:44

that we all have. Truth

1:32:46

in my eyes feels like the amalgamation of

1:32:48

all different possible perspectives and the different facets

1:32:50

that we all carry. And so you,

1:32:52

with your life experience and degree and

1:32:54

working with so many people, have a

1:32:56

beautiful outlook and perspective on human dynamics.

1:32:58

I have a slightly differing one because

1:33:00

of my own experience. And everybody who's

1:33:02

listening and has their own unique kind

1:33:05

of perspective that adds

1:33:07

to the greater whole. And so as

1:33:09

much as I try to have these conversations,

1:33:12

that can be empowering reflections

1:33:14

to support people on their own individual

1:33:16

awakening process and then also relating with

1:33:18

relationships. It's important, I

1:33:20

feel like, always to just continue to have

1:33:22

an open mind when, and

1:33:25

I really appreciate and feel that from you too,

1:33:27

that you're willing to have your beliefs just system

1:33:29

shifted. Yeah, I enjoy it. I mean, because I

1:33:32

trigger so many people online. I could literally

1:33:34

go online and say, water is wet and

1:33:36

they're like, fuck you, go die. And I'm

1:33:38

like, what is going on? So there's something

1:33:40

about me that just triggers the planet in

1:33:42

a way that I don't know how or

1:33:44

why, but I do think that it probably

1:33:46

stems from something in the way that my