0:12

So it

0:14

is days after

0:17

my mother passed

0:19

away, and

0:23

this has been an incredible journey. I

0:26

have realized that people

0:28

don't really talk about death and grief

0:31

in a

0:34

digestible way. I'm finding that out from a lot of

0:36

people. I'm finding out. I mean, I've

0:38

never had a response to anything like

0:40

I've had to divorce and

0:43

death. And I'm seeing

0:45

that there are a lot of similarities

0:48

and not just parallels, but like

0:51

these two topics are converging because

0:53

many people have chosen certain

0:55

types of partners as a result of

1:00

their childhood, and the

1:02

types of messages that I'm getting are

1:04

about generational

1:06

trauma, meaning

1:10

you know, the parents that you had and the

1:12

dynamics that you experienced as a child,

1:14

if they were traumatic or very

1:17

damaging, and then

1:19

really getting into thinking about

1:21

their childhoods and there's

1:24

anger and there's confusion, and

1:26

there's compassion, and there's being closed

1:29

off. And I mentioned that I literally

1:32

have lived nowhere but in my childhood

1:34

for the first time in forty five years, in so

1:37

many different ways, and

1:39

you kind of put it all through a strainer,

1:42

and with any luck,

1:44

you end up with the good because you end up

1:46

being compassionate about

1:48

the fact that if someone was so miserable

1:51

that they would abuse you and

1:53

be mean to you and abuse

1:55

themselves and be self destructive. You

1:57

know, they're filled with toxinsotional

2:00

toxins, physical toxins, disease

2:04

and addictions, and like they cannot

2:06

contain it, and so they dump it on you. And I

2:08

realize that, you know, parents dump

2:11

so much on their children, even good parents,

2:14

and the kids wear it and you have to be very aware

2:16

of that. And I want to also talk about motherhood

2:19

more, and I want to talk about

2:21

some stuff that has been happening with myself and my

2:23

daughter. But basically the letters

2:25

that I've been getting and the emails I've never

2:27

I mean divorce, it's been divorced and traumatic

2:30

experiences, Like no one was talking

2:32

about divorce in this type of way. They're illogical

2:35

way sometimes it's psychological way, but in

2:37

a very like traumatic way,

2:39

and how to deal with it, how to manage it logistically

2:42

and then also emotionally. So as

2:44

I mentioned in my post, I've been grieving

2:47

this horrendous trauma, the

2:49

worst of my whole life, the most significant

2:51

loss. And also I

2:53

was getting so many messages about divorce that

2:55

we are going to come back with divorce in

2:59

the next couple of weeks, and that

3:02

I'm reading all your messages, but I am am

3:04

moved by these messages

3:07

about your life, your lives, your

3:09

life. I'm reading

3:11

them, I'm seeing them, you know, and I know that

3:13

this is freeing you and you do not feel alone,

3:15

and you feel seen and you are seen so

3:18

and I am certainly not an expert

3:21

on death or grief, like I

3:23

am divorced, but I've had my own

3:25

way of doing it, and i will share it with you because

3:28

it's been a different way than I've seen other

3:30

people do or I've done in

3:32

the past. And there

3:34

are many brands of death, so

3:37

they are One brand is you had a

3:39

person lives a very long life. They're at ninety

3:42

eight years old. You had a good relationship

3:44

with them, and it's so sad

3:46

and they were around for so long and you can't believe it's over.

3:48

But there's some peace to it, there's some meaning. There's

3:50

a brand where someone's very sick and it's been torturous

3:53

and you feel guilty that for years

3:55

you were a caretaker and that you wanted it to be

3:57

over. And that's a level of guilt, you

4:00

know, there's grieving when

4:02

God forbid someone who passes before their

4:04

time or before you and

4:06

you're older, or something like that, Like that's like

4:09

traumatic, or God forbid an accident or

4:11

someone takes their own life. I mean, there were so many different brands,

4:13

you know, frustration. Lorie Peterson

4:16

and I have been messaging back and forth from Orange

4:18

County. So there are many brands of death. And I,

4:21

as a kid, never really experienced death

4:23

because I didn't really have a family for most of

4:25

my life and so I didn't hadn't had

4:27

people around me that had really died. And I always

4:30

this is going to sound strange, but not envied,

4:32

but like I felt left out with people that had

4:34

had family members pass away because they

4:36

were going through something and I was always

4:38

like I didn't understand it. I couldn't relate to it. I didn't

4:40

know what it would feel like, you know, grief.

4:43

And my dog

4:45

Cookie passing, which will become relevant later, was

4:47

a traumatic event. My dog lived eighteen years

4:49

and she was a family member because I did, as

4:51

I've now been more open about, I haven't had family.

4:54

And

4:56

when Dennis, my ex and a friend

4:58

of thirty years, passed, it

5:03

was it was it was a brand of death.

5:05

It was it was feeling

5:07

guilty because he loved me so much and would

5:09

send me these love letters, and some

5:11

of them were not lucid. And it

5:14

was over the course of years, and there was a lot that I didn't know

5:16

and understand, and

5:18

and I was frustrated and blamed

5:22

myself, thought I could have done something, blamed

5:24

other people because I was open about

5:27

certain things to them and felt that they didn't do it. I mean,

5:29

you go through a million things, and the stages of grief

5:31

is a very true thing, and they're not all the same for everybody.

5:33

They say the stages, but they

5:36

don't have to be in order and they don't have to all happen.

5:39

And so this brand

5:41

of death is a different brand than

5:43

I had ever heard of, than I had ever experienced,

5:46

and that many of you hadn't really thought

5:48

about. And now people that I know and people

5:50

that I don't know are reaching out and it's

5:52

making them think differently, and

5:55

it's it's it's having meaning because

5:57

I am telling people that I know and

6:00

also people that I don't know, when I hear their story,

6:02

it is not going to be what you think it's going

6:05

to be. This brand

6:07

this particular brand, this generational trauma

6:10

brand, complicated being a

6:12

very understated word for this brand

6:15

of death with a person

6:17

that's supposed to be the most significant safe

6:19

relationship in your life, dying

6:23

is not what you expect. I know other people

6:25

that haven't spoken to certain family members, have estranged

6:28

relationships. They've put it in a drawer, like me,

6:30

They've locked it. They don't think about

6:32

it. Days could go by. You don't think

6:34

about this person. You are positive they

6:37

are gone from your life, so you will not when

6:39

they die. It will just be something that just happens.

6:41

Like my father died, and it made me very

6:43

very sad that he never really wanted anything to do with

6:45

me and was very dismissive of me. My real

6:47

father, I call him, because I had a stepfather

6:49

that was more of a father and more significant. He

6:52

had a lot of issues and he is

6:54

very old and also very sick, and I'm just waiting for

6:56

that shoe to drop and then me to be under

6:59

the couch for a month. But that was the

7:01

most significant male relationship in my life was

7:03

my stepfather. Because when my mother was away

7:05

and left for months at a time, and when she went to

7:07

a mental institution, and when she had just left

7:10

and had a boyfriend somewhere in Wales

7:12

and wasn't at my graduation, she just

7:14

decided not to go. All these times he

7:17

was there and so I didn't

7:19

want to attach to him when I was young because I didn't

7:21

really want him around and he was problematic. He

7:23

did end up getting his ship more together and

7:25

was more of a solid figure,

7:28

and he had a lot of problems.

7:30

He had left the family before, and then I became his

7:33

family, and I was sort of a way for him to like show

7:35

my mother how much he would

7:38

love her and take care of her because he was obsessed with her, as

7:40

everybody was. So I was really with him

7:43

more and he was

7:45

compassionate. He was certainly very problematic.

7:48

But when my real

7:51

father died, someone who really kind

7:53

of just left me when I was young, they

7:55

were in a relationship. He didn't

7:57

treat me right. I went back to my mother into

7:59

the arms of the next man, who was my stepfather,

8:02

who was the most significant relationship. This

8:05

is still in the formative years, which we'll get into,

8:07

because I did not realize until recently

8:09

that between zero and eight is when you're formed

8:12

as a person. So if you had some good

8:14

memories and some love before your parent fell

8:16

off the rails, you know, you might have a shot. And so

8:19

so that that real father, when he died

8:21

of cancer, it was unresolved, and it was definitely

8:24

why didn't he love me? And for years I

8:26

tried to get his love, and for years he

8:29

abandoned and dropped me and was mean

8:31

to me. I mean I had two parents be very very

8:33

mean to me, said me and things to me. To

8:35

the day when he died, I thought I was going

8:37

to get some sort of resolution. And a friend of mine

8:40

who was friends with him because

8:42

people again glamorized him and

8:44

worshiped him, and he always dated younger, pretty people,

8:46

and he was a Hall of Fame horse trainer, and I

8:49

used to beg for his affection. I used to pretend

8:51

publicly that like I was the daughter of Bobby

8:54

Frankel, because I wanted them to think that

8:56

I was somebody and like that I could

8:58

go to the Kentucky Derby and I could like

9:00

be that. My

9:14

stepfather, John, who wasn't as successful

9:16

a trainer, but still successful, he included

9:19

me. He took me, He took me to Saratoga and like

9:21

put me in the Winter Circle pictures. My real father,

9:23

who was the real success, which was a

9:25

big rivalry between

9:27

those two men always

9:30

discarded me. And one year I

9:32

went with an ex fiance

9:35

to the Kentucky Derby and he got the ticket.

9:37

He brought me there, and the tickets are

9:40

a fortune, and I called my father to

9:42

ask him if he could get his tickets and he said he

9:44

blew us off, and he said no, and he didn't

9:46

have any. And this is always how he was. I don't have any.

9:48

He was very He also was scathing.

9:50

So I had two scathing parents, which will explain my personality

9:53

a little bit, like I have to try to tone it down. And I

9:55

think this will significantly change me. I've been hardened

9:58

by the racetrack and by two very

10:00

scathing parents and the abuse

10:02

and everything else. But we

10:06

showed up at the races

10:08

that day and I overheard my father, because we had to

10:10

buy tickets. I overheard him saying to other

10:12

people, I have all these tickets. I don't know what I'm gonna do with them. I

10:14

could probably sell them or something. He was just

10:16

mean my whole life, and he was a mean person,

10:19

and everybody could glamorize it. The way

10:21

that they want to. He was very successful. He was very

10:23

good friends with Joe Tory, the guy from the

10:25

Yankees, who also ended up disliking

10:28

me, not knowing me whatsoever, because people

10:30

thought that my father, who was enamored

10:33

with some fame, like he was enamored with the Joe

10:35

Torris and baseball because the trainers were

10:37

they like the workers, even though they, you

10:39

know, the owners were the rich blue bloods

10:41

and the owners and a lot of celebrities

10:44

hang out around racetracks. And my father

10:46

was a god, but he was a really mean, mean person,

10:49

and he was mean to me to

10:51

the last breath through through

10:53

the baby cam like that thing that you can hear.

10:56

My father's friend who's my friend, also

10:59

heard it, heard how mean he was to me, and that the first

11:01

time he got a glimpse into what I my

11:03

pain for all my years, and it was validation, like

11:06

because people see different sides to people. And I've heard

11:08

people in the letters that you guys have written me tell me

11:11

that your mother or you know, a parent

11:13

was you know, cold to you, couldn't connect to you what

11:16

was charming and wonderful to everybody else.

11:18

And it can it can really be very

11:20

sad, so we don't have to get into too much about

11:22

my real father. But he was not

11:24

a parent in any any

11:26

part of the situation. He tried to

11:28

connect with me at a certain age when he started

11:30

seeing pictures of me with John Paracella, and

11:32

I was glad. I was I was enamored by

11:34

the glamour of that he lived in La and I was watching

11:37

sixteen Candles. I'm pretty and pink, and I wanted

11:39

to be out there and thought I was going to live this fabulous life.

11:41

And he courted me. But

11:43

once I relinquished and decided to

11:45

allow my real father to

11:47

be my father, I put changed my name from Bethany

11:50

Paracella, which I literally would like to go and change

11:52

back. I've always hated my name because my father

11:54

it was like being bougie and like having that

11:56

name and pretending that he was a father. And it happened

11:59

in college. I had never legally been

12:01

Paraslla. It was just that in third

12:03

grade I went with John Paracella

12:05

to register at school and they asked my last name,

12:07

and I felt guilty that it was Frankly, it was on my passport

12:09

my whole life, and so I said Paracella

12:12

and there are so many people in my life that only

12:14

know me as Beth Paracella. But

12:17

so in college because of my

12:19

stepfather really lashing

12:21

out at me, every

12:24

single thing I owned came to my dorm room from

12:26

my life with my mother and my stepfather. He

12:29

had physically lashed out at me, and I took the name

12:31

Frankel, and I leaned in and I wanted my

12:33

real father to like accept me, like I was

12:35

going to now be his daughter. And he dropped me

12:38

like a hot potato. He wanted nothing to do with me. He literally

12:40

all the courting. It was like I was a woman that

12:43

had been courted and just dumped. It

12:45

was like the dog chases the cat, the cat runs

12:47

away, the cat chases the dog, the dog runs away.

12:50

So he was not a great person, and he was really

12:52

pretty much a piece of shit my whole life. And I tried so

12:54

hard to write letters and to ask him, and he just really

12:56

was this cold, detached person.

12:59

My mother was not detached in that same way. She

13:01

was miserable and toxic

13:04

and mean, but she had

13:06

emotions underneath and would cry and

13:08

wasn't detached like you could have. You

13:11

know, she was emotional, but just

13:13

very erratic. So my real

13:15

father when he died, it was not the same type of feeling.

13:17

It just wasn't the same brand it was. My

13:20

ex was with me, my daughter was in my belly. I tried

13:22

to make meaning out of it. I took some meaningful

13:25

things from his house that I still have here. He

13:27

was hostile in his death. On

13:29

a Today's Show episode about

13:32

Father's Day, I said something like,

13:34

and I don't really have a father, like a throwaway

13:36

comment, but down deep, I guess

13:38

he loved me. And he used to watch every single thing

13:40

that I did, and he used to watch The Apprentice and

13:42

he rooted for me. But what good

13:45

is loving someone if you're not going to tell them or remote

13:47

He just was not capable, which

13:49

was the problem that my mother had with him. And he never was able

13:51

to be in relationship because of his generational

13:54

trauma and his parents and how they

13:56

were. And when

13:59

he he heard me say that on that show that day,

14:01

he really cut me off in his mind, cut

14:03

me off financially, which

14:06

was a part of the relationship. Like every year, I think he'd send

14:08

me five hundred dollars for or maybe

14:10

more for my birthday, or twenty five hundre dollars.

14:12

Fifteen hundred dollars was all the money in the world to me. I

14:14

waited for it for some reason, because

14:16

I always have to be fully accountable. For some reason, he agreed

14:19

to pay fifty thousand dollars for my first wedding.

14:21

I should have just taken the money. I don't know why he agreed

14:24

to do that. And there

14:26

was a negotiation and a debate back

14:28

and forth about who was going to pay for my college

14:30

between he and John. So he

14:32

died and I was I

14:35

really didn't care

14:37

that much. It didn't affect me. This

14:40

loss of my mother was a very different brand of

14:42

death, and I did not expect to experience

14:46

what I would experience. So the way

14:48

that I went into this,

14:50

which was not intentional, just what happened.

14:53

I'm a loner. Another thing. My father,

14:55

my real father, was a loaner. He was a

14:57

loner's whole life. He'd be alone in the house. My mother

14:59

was a loaner. To it's Kelly Rippa who said

15:01

to me, that's genetic.

15:03

And I am a loner a

15:06

lot. So I intervene in that and I do a lot

15:08

more than they did. But and

15:10

like my father, like his work became

15:12

his social every day you get up and you shower, and you

15:14

go to the track and you see people and you go to dinner. Like

15:17

so my work and that The Housewives

15:20

in that way was good for me. Reality

15:22

television was good for me because I would be even

15:24

in my twenties, I was the one who wanted to like a home early

15:26

and be in my pajamas and could be alone for days on end

15:28

and like not tell anybody about it. I

15:30

could like not do Thanksgiving because

15:32

it was triggering me and I'd be alone. I wouldn't tell

15:34

anybody because I don't want, like anyone to know or feel bad.

15:36

And some of you can relate to that. The pandemic

15:40

leaned right into that for me and really

15:42

like enveloped me in it

15:44

being okay and normalizing being alone.

15:47

And so it's taken. I'm still it's still taking

15:49

me a while to get myself out. And

15:52

so I

15:54

think that Jewish people in sitting shiva

15:57

is a good thing. And I was talking actually to Jill Zarin

15:59

about this, because you grieve for a week.

16:01

But what I personally don't agree with is

16:04

the distraction of it. Because when Dennis

16:07

died, I went to the funeral,

16:09

and I remember drinking wine that morning because it

16:11

was like making me cope. And then I went over to someone's house

16:13

after that they were having you know, they're

16:15

starting I guess the shive at their house. And then you

16:18

were in your house and people flew into New York and

16:20

like came to see me and like it

16:22

does help, and they're visiting, and it's it's you

16:24

know, if you have a family, you're doing it together. And

16:26

I'm not. I'm not there's no way to judge

16:28

anyone's version of how they're going to do this. I'm not saying

16:30

that at all. I'm just saying if you're a

16:33

person, that can really distract.

16:35

Because I had an ex who had a mother who died

16:37

and we did shive for a week and all we did was drink and

16:39

tell stories and look at pictures, and then it was

16:41

over and then you know, people

16:43

go back to normal life and you've had like a social

16:45

week, and that's daring. So I have not done it

16:47

that way. My daughter came

16:50

back to me. I was supposed to go to a volleyball

16:52

tournament, and thank god she had the volleyball tournament.

16:54

It was my weekend with her. I did not want

16:56

her to be laying with me in misery, and

16:59

like I didn't want to like share that with her. She

17:01

knew my mother, but she had seen her two

17:04

times in person and done art with her and spend time

17:06

with her. She would call her sometimes and send

17:08

her things. And in fact,

17:10

when my mother would call, she would really just stay to brin like

17:13

I don't have much to say, colostomy

17:15

bag and I'm this and it's that, and not really

17:17

much good. Like she was selfish in

17:19

that way too, Like she wasn't saying, oh,

17:22

tell me about what's going on outside, or let's

17:24

talk about your mom when she was a little girl, Like my

17:26

mother was not capable of, like not

17:28

being super deep and dumping really adult

17:31

shit on my daughter, because that's what she did

17:33

on me my whole life. But my daughter's not equipped

17:35

for that. Like I was an adult at

17:37

five years old, and that's not like when I first

17:39

found my mother's throwing up and found

17:42

her her her trolley and her laxative

17:44

caddie and would call the cops and

17:46

see people being beaten, you know, with an

17:49

inch of their life, like and was at the racetrack

17:51

with degenerates and drugs and guns like I was an

17:53

adult. It's just what it is. I'm not complaining,

17:55

no poor me. I'm just saying, like, my daughter's

17:57

not that person, and I can get

18:00

into that. And how I described this to her yesterday, you could

18:02

see she doesn't even have the emotional bandwidth to

18:04

hear the stories of my childhood, which have been

18:06

very watered down but just need to be explained

18:09

so she doesn't wonder why her mom

18:11

never had a relationship with her mom, and now her mom's

18:13

dead, and now her

18:15

mom's mom is dead, and now her mom is crying. And

18:17

wait, you could have been like trying

18:19

to very very dilute it down and fold

18:22

into the batter some stories of my

18:24

life and how it wasn't great. I mean, she's

18:27

old enough to understand to realize that, not

18:29

to process it. But

18:31

I didn't want her. I was so happy she had this volleyball

18:33

tournament. I actually there was a moment when I thought

18:36

like I was going to be there, like that's psychotic now

18:38

realizing what I've gone through, But I like

18:40

put her somewhere, and I was so happy, and she won

18:42

a medal, which of course I had placed a meaning on,

18:45

and she came back on Sunday

18:47

and she had all her stuff and she was exhausted,

18:49

and you know, she hugged me and we had

18:51

ramen together and it was a distraction

18:54

and I was glad for it. And I made her this amazing

18:56

cinnamon roll in the morning that I like wanted

18:58

to. I was so tired of it because I was three hours

19:00

a night, but like just was paranoid

19:02

that I wouldn't wake up and be able to make her this big, like gold

19:05

belly cinnamon roll of strawberry frosting, and like

19:07

she's like, I love you, mamma. Can I hug? Can we hug? And

19:09

we hugged, and you know, and and just

19:11

showing I've been showing our pictures of my mom,

19:13

Like I haven't dumped the whole bag of shit on her at

19:16

all, but it's, you know, she's

19:18

getting it. She's very emotionally, you

19:20

know, intelligent and and so off

19:22

she went to school and then she went to her dad

19:24

for a couple of days, and so that was good

19:26

too. So I have been alone in my house.

19:31

I have people that work here that I've been with me

19:33

for years, that I love, that have

19:35

gone through their own losses and have experienced the dentist

19:37

losses of me that you know, it's

19:40

made meaning there because I've thought about them

19:42

and their children and the things that they've gone through and how

19:44

they're always for me and they're my family, but

19:46

like they're not really my family

19:48

meaning in the sense that like I don't live in their

19:50

house. And we started talking about some of their traumas

19:52

and things that have happened for them. And I

19:55

have always you know, Laney's been in my life for so

19:57

many years. I've always said she's in my will. But like saying

19:59

that, I mean God forbid dropping dead tomorrow and

20:01

her not being and my will are not the same thing. And so

20:04

I like started to take the action with

20:06

my you know, team, to like

20:08

actually put them in my will and in

20:10

my like what's going to happen to them? And they're old, They've

20:12

spent all these years working with me, and like, you

20:14

know, like are they going to be are they going to be

20:16

protected? What's most important to them is it? Are

20:19

they worried about being old and alone? No, because

20:21

some of them have big families. They you

20:23

know, is Laney worried that her son is not

20:25

going to be able to go to college. Does she want that for him? Like

20:27

what? What? What worries her? And I didn't want

20:29

to make her feel vulnerable and uncomfortable,

20:32

but for her to talk to, you know, my business

20:34

people about like what, you know, how they can be

20:36

protected, like my home version

20:38

of whatever a retirement account is,

20:40

and like a will and things like that. You know, it was

20:42

like Laney's going to be in a Rolls Royce. When I

20:44

dropped dead, I was

20:46

alone the whole week. I was alone, listening

20:49

to seventies, you know,

20:51

Carol King radio and like having

20:54

memories of Barry Mann alone. My first

20:56

album it was the Big White one

20:58

that opened and had like three parts to it, and I

21:01

wore it down and Neil Diamond and Carly

21:03

Simon and James Taylor and air

21:06

Supply and it brought back a lot

21:08

of memories. There were some songs I absolutely couldn't couldn't

21:10

listen to, and and I

21:14

took nature walks and reconnected and connected

21:16

with my area because I don't

21:18

have a good relationship with exercise, and I'm always envious

21:20

to people who like every morning they just worked out,

21:23

and you know I do that in the Hamptons. I

21:25

go on my beach walks and it opened up

21:27

this I couldn't say in my house. So every

21:30

day, twice a day, I would like put my big hat on and

21:33

put the Carrol King radio on and listen

21:35

to Barry Manelow and everybody nothing

21:37

modern. I literally did not crave.

21:40

I was like rejecting

21:42

anything current, anything

21:45

like there could be the way we wore, like

21:47

a gaga could slip in because it like is

21:49

nostalgic from the way we were, but like nothing,

21:52

and I didn't want any of it. And I cried

21:54

on these walks and I connected with

21:56

nature and my lived in my

21:59

childhood, and through this week decided

22:01

that I was going to finally go visit Saratoga, where

22:03

I went as a kid. I was gonna take Brin back there

22:05

because I have not been willing to revisit there.

22:07

I've never gone back because it was the

22:09

only escape from this hell. And

22:11

we would have one month and there would always would still

22:13

be fights up there, but I don't remember there being a lot of

22:15

like police level fights. I remember

22:17

everybody just being happy up there for that one month,

22:20

and my mother wasn't always there. But like I

22:22

said, those drives up there, the memories

22:24

are chill my skin, like, and

22:26

Saratoga's changed so much. It's not a place that's

22:28

nostalgic anymore. It's very commercial and

22:31

like it used to be so farm stand and so

22:33

provincial, and so I like have it in

22:35

a time capsule, and I just haven't wanted

22:37

to go this place dairy house that had this

22:39

like soft custard with so many

22:42

flavors that we used to go to, and like, I have all

22:44

these memories, so all these memories were flooding

22:46

in that I never had because the music was connected

22:48

to the memories. And my version of sitting

22:50

Shiva was a week of just being alone and

22:53

really like you

22:55

know, having compassion and

22:57

forgiving and going there

23:00

real and doing therapy, realizing

23:02

that if your formative years or zero to eight, that

23:04

like that's why these are so strong, like

23:07

these memories, and you

23:10

know, and that's also when it was like bad.

23:12

But I just you know, I had my own version.

23:15

Today's the first day I've washed my hair. And

23:17

it's funny because I was looking I was I showered

23:19

to have my grandma sweater on, and I was thinking, like

23:22

I was listening to the song You're So Vain, and there's

23:24

a line in You're so vain from Carly Simon about

23:26

Saratoga. And I was thinking

23:28

about how I'm not so vain and

23:31

people comment on that that I'm willing to be like just

23:33

look like this and not you

23:35

know, care. And my mother was

23:37

not pretentious or superficial. She was vain,

23:40

but she was the one wearing overalls to the you

23:42

know, during the day all the time. She never had

23:44

makeup on, Like you know, there

23:46

are a lot of similarities with myself and her.

23:49

She didn't wasn't vain in that way. She was internally

23:51

like you know, with a disorder

23:54

pain vein, Like it was just she just that

23:57

addiction and that blimia just

23:59

just ruled her entire life and killed

24:01

her. And it's crazy that the one thing that she was so vain

24:03

about was the thing that rotted her. And

24:06

I have a different relationship to age now.

24:09

You know, people used to think that you were in your late

24:11

thirty your thirties, and like you were done, like

24:13

you were look old. And she thought

24:15

she was old at forty, I mean, and she

24:17

started to look old at forty because of what she was doing

24:19

to her body and destroying herself. But

24:21

like it's hard for me because I'm having a rebirth

24:23

right now, like I'm healing

24:26

generational trauma right now,

24:28

and I am at an age where I looked at her as

24:30

so old, and so there's

24:33

a lot of guilt, a lot of guilt, like,

24:37

you know, I don't like me. I want

24:39

to fix everything, and my therapist says, I fix

24:41

everything. I go there's a problem in the Hampton's right

24:43

now with encampments, and like I've got my team there,

24:46

palettes of aid. There's something going on in Puerto Rico,

24:48

like I saw it. Why you know, why

24:50

couldn't I go to Florida

24:52

and just be like, I'm gonna like solve this, and

24:55

you're gonna go into this type of rehab and you're gonna

24:57

be like, I don't

24:59

know, And I was scared to do that, and I didn't

25:01

even know to do that, and I had so much anger

25:03

for my life. You know, it's like it's

25:06

Monday morning quarterback. Listen. She had

25:08

a friend, she had a good friend who knew nothing about

25:11

this, so she compartment mentalized this enough

25:13

that she had a friend that is in that house

25:15

showing me Cartier

25:18

giant pearl earrings that we've like I've put

25:20

next to pictures at my confirmation, Tiffany

25:23

Pearls and I mentioned the brands because

25:25

I didn't realize, like she's the one who

25:27

made my stepfather like into

25:30

nice things and culture all of us with like

25:32

knowing what things were, and like disco

25:35

music, which I wasn't even allowed. I

25:37

realized that too. My mother was living

25:39

at Studio fifty four as Studio

25:41

fifty four when I was growing up. That's when she was going

25:44

out partying, and like I lived

25:46

for disco. I had a secret

25:48

life on hot skates. No one at my school

25:51

they would have made fun of me. They all were into the doors.

25:53

Everybody that went to Saint Agnes in sixth and seventh

25:55

and eight, you know grade there was no disco.

25:58

I had a secret life of disco. No

26:00

one knew about Indian food, No one knew about sushi. My mother

26:02

was living this Like she went to f I t she went

26:04

to Pratt, she went to Parsons. She was like this like

26:06

fabulous person. I don't know where she got it from. It's

26:09

like amazing to see that, Like she left her house at

26:11

sixteen and just found fabulousity. It

26:13

really really is. And I've been

26:15

talking a lot about well, first,

26:17

Brenne and I decided together, we came up with a good

26:20

solution for her ashes her

26:22

friend in Florida. I

26:24

got her someone to take care of her for the last couple of years.

26:26

And this woman is like, you need to come here, and you need to do this

26:29

here, you know all this. And I was feeling guilty

26:31

because I was feeling like I don't want to go in that. I don't think I can handle

26:33

going in that apartment. But then why should I go there?

26:35

And her friend, her actual friend of eleven years, was

26:37

like, no, she hated for And I remember that she

26:39

hated Florida as a kid, And

26:42

this makes me sad too. The I said to her friend,

26:44

why did she move to Florida? She hated Flora.

26:46

She never went out, she didn't go swim, she didn't go to the

26:48

beach. She couldn't give a shit. And this woman

26:50

said, because she wanted to go somewhere where no one

26:52

knew her, which also broke

26:55

my heart. Like a picture that this woman sent

26:57

me of her, this beautiful specimen

26:59

of all those that had all the all the

27:01

opportunity and just continue to choose the

27:03

wrong men and devolve. You

27:06

know, men are such a massive theme and

27:08

and and devolve that

27:11

this man the last man that beat her, and there were

27:13

police reports that this her friend found

27:15

and before that was an alcoholic. Like the male

27:17

choices were just always driven by

27:20

how someone loved her, never how she loved

27:22

them. Something that is like genetic,

27:25

like something that has been a massive

27:27

theme in my life. And you know, my daughter,

27:29

there'll be a boy in school and she'll say, ex likes

27:32

me a lot of many times,

27:34

and she's never seen anything about this with me, Like this

27:37

is like it's like in our weaving

27:40

of the souls. As Michael Caponi, my philanthropy

27:43

partner, said, you know, my daughter

27:46

will say this person likes me. I'm like, okay, do you like

27:48

them? Like I'm you know, trying

27:50

to break these chains by also saying like it's

27:52

great that someone likes you, and yes, it's great someone be

27:54

chivalrous and like you first and write the Valentine first or

27:56

whatever happens. But like, ultimately someone

27:59

else cannot love or like you enough for

28:02

you to like them like or love them like

28:04

it's not that's not how this thing is gonna

28:06

work. And I realize now that like

28:08

it's because she came from

28:10

an abusive household with a father

28:12

that was a tyrant, and so she

28:15

just went out and wanted love, like if someone

28:17

would love her enough. John Parasla love bombing,

28:19

he lived, love bombed her all those cardier stuff

28:22

and those pearls and everything she couldn't even afford himself,

28:24

Like she was this woman who was so

28:26

stunning and perfect, like he wanted to like, you

28:28

know, and same with Bobby, Like she didn't

28:31

really love these guys, and she really she loved

28:33

one of the guys after you

28:35

know, before the monster. This like one guy, but he

28:37

was an alcoholic and she was attracted to that for that

28:40

reasons, Like we have to intervene in our lives and

28:42

think about why we're choosing people. The game

28:44

is moving very quickly when you

28:46

are choosing people, but you have to

28:48

find a way to think about why and

28:50

and and so, like I'm thinking about

28:52

that for my own life, Like you just

28:54

want people, you know. Several

28:57

of my axes have said to me or

29:00

friends have said to me about these people.

29:02

You're never gonna find someone who's going to

29:05

love you as much as they do. And one of my

29:07

exes said to me, you will never find someone who will

29:09

love you as much as I will, pleading with me to

29:11

be with them, and as a person who

29:13

had no real parents or parental structure,

29:16

like, yes,

29:18

take me. I want to be loved. I want to be loved.

29:20

To give it to me, you love, Yes, I believe you. I believe

29:22

in I believe it. No one's gonna love how

29:25

No one loved me as a child. Why would

29:27

anyone else love me more than this person who wants

29:29

to be my family? And then it gets layered

29:31

that like with my ex Peter, who

29:33

I married like his parents. I loved his parents. His

29:35

mother was like a mother to me. Mary

29:38

and Susman was like a mother to me. She took

29:40

me wedding dress shopping. She would take

29:42

me. It wasn't about the material things, but she would take me

29:44

to go like to where are we gonna get the

29:46

wedding test? To get my makeup done? And she would like

29:48

take me shopping is a you know mother would

29:50

do. And she would talk to me and she was funny

29:53

and like I was marrying them too,

29:56

you know, like there are different reasons. They may not even

29:58

be the person you're with, You're marrying their family, like they're different

30:00

reasons we're making these decisions, and like I

30:02

when we broke up, you

30:05

know, it broke my heart that I broke her heart because

30:07

she loved me, and I broke her heart, And

30:09

like they don't come from or understand

30:11

a person from a damaged childhood

30:14

like myself. Brian Koppleman, you

30:16

know his his mother, Bunny Coplman,

30:18

loved me. I was like attracted to her. You

30:20

know, you're you're finding these different things. So I realized

30:22

when my mom I was doing what my mother was doing

30:25

for so many years and

30:27

and I haven't been able

30:30

to crack into this. I haven't been serious

30:33

about therapy for a while where I'll be like

30:35

regular where like you know how you'll like make a standing

30:37

manicure appointment and be like, Okay, the second I leave

30:39

here, I'm making the next appointment. That's how

30:41

regular I've been in the last couple

30:44

of uh, certainly the last year, maybe a couple

30:46

of years, but really the last year where it's like f and

30:49

it could be it could be, and the same

30:51

thing for my daughter, it'll be like it could

30:53

be once a month. It just has to be like that it's

30:55

happening again because it's something

30:57

you may not want to do, but once you do it,

30:59

you feel better. It's like working out. And if you cannot

31:01

afford therapy, you know, do

31:04

the apps that have a therapist. Okay,

31:06

if you cannot afford therapy, go online

31:09

and look up things that you know, people

31:11

like me and other people say like generational

31:13

trauma or like formative years,

31:15

like I literally till yesterday

31:17

did not really realize and had to send

31:19

to my friend who was a complicated relationship with

31:21

her mother the formative year

31:24

thing, which gave me some comfort. It made me realize,

31:26

Okay, maybe I'm not in a total basket

31:28

case, because I do have glimpses of

31:30

love from when I was a kid, and

31:33

going through the old pictures is bringing

31:35

me there. And it made me very sad the first couple

31:37

of days of this grief, like tortuously,

31:40

like bad, and because

31:43

I wanted my mommy and I wanted to be there and I wanted

31:45

more of it. And that move you

31:47

move through that, you move out of the bad,

31:50

you move into that, and then you move into

31:52

like guilt and

31:54

like logic and what you could have done and you

31:56

could have brought you, you know, and then and then you kind of

31:59

go in and out of that, and then you're just playing nostalgic

32:01

songs and they're just reminding you of something and you're

32:03

just like honoring. I'm wearing a ring that was my mother,

32:06

that was mine when I was thirteen, and

32:08

a one that I bought with Brynn recently in an antique

32:10

shop that we believe is the same one

32:12

that I had when I was younger, because I've never

32:14

seen anyone else with it, but we want to believe

32:16

that this bee that I got for like my confirmation,

32:19

that's like a diamond script

32:21

bee, and like, you know, just trying to connect and like,

32:24

there's a beautiful picture of my mother when she looks like the

32:26

bandu sole, like this French beautiful

32:28

woman, and she had these two rings on that she

32:31

wore every day and I've always coveted them.

32:33

And this friend of hers that found like found

32:35

these pictures sent a picture. I'm like, oh my god, those are the

32:37

rings, and she's like in a scavenger hunt and she found

32:39

them for me, and it's making me so happy that

32:41

she had this friend of eleven years that I'm connecting

32:44

with and that you

32:48

know, she deserves all this stuff. I'm like take

32:50

whatever you want and she's like, no, I want you to

32:52

have it all. And it's like, like I said, cartier and stuff,

32:55

real stuff. And it makes me happy because

32:57

it means she had a friend that she could trust because anybody

32:59

could have gone in there. My mother was so vulnerable and anybody

33:01

would take from her. Anybody could have gone in there and stolen

33:03

all this stuff. And this beautiful person,

33:07

Julia is her name, but it's spelled like with

33:10

an L. And she said to me that she's now connecting

33:12

with her mother because of this. She bought her

33:14

mother a ticket. So I'm feeling like there's all these

33:17

things swirling because of this death, and I'm

33:19

sharing it with you because a lot of things are swirling with

33:21

you and a lot of you are reconnecting. And my friend

33:23

is now thinking about therapy, and

33:25

like a lot of stuff is swirling with mothers and daughters

33:28

and it's and we're entering, we're

33:30

coming into Mother's Day. It's like the perfect time to talk

33:32

about this stuff. And I'm sending people a lot

33:34

of messages saying it doesn't matter. I know your mother abuse

33:36

do. I know she's angry and evil and all. It's

33:40

not really about that it's

33:42

about doing something so you don't go through like torture

33:44

and trauma. Like take one part of that off,

33:47

Go send her a mixtape of songs from

33:49

her generation, write a letter, send a gift, because

33:51

this person is in tremendous pain.

33:54

They've been evil, but they didn't just wake up and decide

33:56

to be evil. That's the generational trauma.

33:58

That's the stuff that comes from decades that

34:00

was passed down. And like, there

34:02

are ways that I am like my mother, even though

34:04

it's stuff that I don't want to be. And there are ways

34:07

that I'm like my father, but you know, at least to understand

34:09

where you come from and why. You know. I can

34:11

be biting, you know, but

34:13

I've turned it into a good sometimes

34:15

in the sense that you know, my

34:18

daughter's pretty incredible,

34:21

and I

34:24

don't suffer fools, and I don't negotiate with terrorists, and

34:26

I'm strict in that way. She messes around me, she disrespects

34:28

me. She says something like, I snap

34:30

it right away. I don't let really any of them slide.

34:33

I'm tremendously loving and amazing,

34:36

and I never turned down a snuggle.

34:38

I never turned down a cuddle. We hog I

34:40

mean, I live for my kid, but I

34:43

don't play games. And the way that I with my

34:45

daughter that I've handled it was is

34:48

to like

34:50

tell her the stories, but like

34:53

not you know, overwhelm

34:55

her with it, you know. And Melinda,

34:58

my therapist, who's a psychoanaly is like

35:00

so happy. She's like can't believe. She's like,

35:02

now the deep work will happen. And the same

35:04

thing with Breck. They're like, this is profound because

35:07

I feel different already. I feel

35:09

like different, even that I'm willing to go back to

35:11

Saratoga, even that I've been willing to like

35:13

think about my childhood and go there, it's

35:15

a door that's been locked. And reconnecting

35:17

with people. Matt Littman said to me, Tody,

35:19

did you butt dial me? Because like, I don't

35:22

talk to my friends from that age. I transact

35:24

with them like once in a while, they'll be like someone

35:26

will see something and instagram a message me. But

35:28

anyone from pretty much my

35:31

entire childhood until

35:34

my twenties, with the exception of two

35:36

friends that I met in high school, but

35:38

I met them in boarding school, so I was

35:40

removed from the situation, and one of them I

35:42

moved out of boarding school into their house, just

35:44

to give you an idea of like I moved

35:46

into another person's home with it. You know,

35:49

those are my two friends. But it's interesting because I

35:51

met them out of this psychotic

35:53

environment. So I've like they're they're in some sort

35:55

of separate bubble, you know, like they're

35:58

they're they're they're like protected from I

36:00

did anybody that I met through that entire

36:02

life, even my friend Alyssa that I was good

36:04

friends with, whose mother took me to the hospital when I

36:06

had chicken pox because my stepfather

36:09

John ignored me when I said I had bumps all over my stomach

36:11

and like no one, like I had no parents to take me to doctors.

36:14

I hurt myself fell off a mountain years

36:17

ago. My mother kind of like blew me off on the phone, like

36:19

there was no compassion, no caring, no chicken

36:22

soup. When you don't feel well, when you're an adult, no one's moving

36:24

you into a college dorm, no one's moving you out,

36:27

no one's you know, like I was in a so Alyssa,

36:30

who's mother and you know, horrified

36:32

that I literally had chicken pox at eighteen years

36:34

old, took me to the hospital. I had one hundred and five.

36:37

I fainted when they took my blood. Like

36:40

all these people I've really kept at

36:42

arm's length. They're like, well,

36:44

text me and I'll say thank you and excel.

36:47

Like they're just like I've cut them out.

36:49

I've like put them in a compartmentalized state.

36:51

And now I've been reconnecting with them, you

36:54

know, because like I can like deal with

36:56

what part of my life they were adjacent

36:58

to. And I know a lot of this is going to be like very

37:02

familiar to and you didn't even know it reading

37:05

my old journals. And what's

37:07

crazy, though, is that John was like actually a pretty

37:10

not a bad terrible person. It's the only time

37:12

he really ever touched me, and there was a time he

37:14

stopped touching her, but his degenerate

37:16

friends did sexually,

37:19

you know, assault abused me and

37:22

because he was around degenerates. But he's

37:25

eighty two years old, and I forgive because

37:27

he had a heart and he cared and he was, you

37:30

know, living in a life of animals,

37:32

like you know, and he was enraged and

37:35

substances, and you don't think about it when you're young.

37:37

You don't know like people could be doing that are doing cocaine

37:39

and like they're what they're doing, you don't know what the hell they're doing. It's

37:41

due to fifty four. They're not doing you know, they're

37:43

not They're not drinking fucking boba.

37:46

He did. He treated me like a daughter, and I

37:48

have he has to get that credit. And he did

37:50

admit what went on way

37:52

more than my mother did. And I'm

37:55

gonna have a driver take him because

37:57

I don't think he can he can't. I'm not gonna have him drive himself,

37:59

but I'm gonn have someone take him bring him to

38:01

my house so I have a property. It feels weird. He's

38:03

Celiac, I guess, and he's lost a lot

38:05

of weight, and it feels weird to like be in a restaurant

38:07

with him. And it's gonna be uncomfortable for me, it's gonna

38:10

be comfortable for Britney's and look very old and frail,

38:12

and it's gonna be triggering. But

38:14

I'm gonna put that aside because that's a lot of why I

38:16

didn't see my mother. And I'm going to

38:18

have him brought here and sit out on the lawn and he'll

38:20

get to like watch her do sports and he'll he

38:23

asked about her metal. I've been texting

38:25

him. He texts very fast. We've been laughing.

38:28

We actually were talking about some

38:30

of my personal traumas that we've discussed on

38:32

my other podcasts that you guys won't listen to

38:34

because I'm not going to get specific right now, but you'll

38:36

understand what I'm saying. And I said

38:38

to him that someone once told me when

38:41

they were kind of threatening

38:43

me, now you're going to see what I was like

38:45

on the basketball court. Incidentally,

38:47

he was best friends with Rick Patino, the famous

38:49

basketball coach who actually

38:51

named horses after like him and stuff like

38:53

that. And he was a

38:55

big basketball fan. And

38:58

he went to Saint John's stepfather

39:01

and it made me laugh because this was a person

39:03

who had played basketball, but not professionally,

39:06

just like was a good basketball player. And

39:08

I said, he was asking about a situation of

39:10

my life. And I said to him, this person

39:12

said to me, now you're going to see what I was like on the basketball

39:15

court. And I said, I

39:17

said, I survived, and I prevailed,

39:19

and I fought hard, and I

39:22

came out on top. And I said to John Paracella,

39:24

I said, I said, I

39:26

should have said back, Now you're going to

39:28

see what I was like on the racetrack at

39:31

five years old at the shoeshine stand,

39:33

hanging out in the jockeys room. I

39:35

mean like and he laughed because like he was like

39:37

fu, he said, there's nobody the

39:40

NBA growing up. Now you're gonna see what I

39:42

was like on the NBA basketball court still

39:44

does not hold a candle to being

39:46

raised on the racetrack by wolves and

39:48

animals. So we laughed because like it's

39:52

very It's like people want to know why

39:54

I am like the way I am. It's I was because I grew up

39:56

on the racetrack. It's like it's

39:59

there's no place, you know, it's not a place

40:01

to be raised. I

40:14

mean I remember going to John Paracela and

40:16

being at OTB off track bedding, the degenerate

40:19

place. People were smoking and like gambling.

40:21

It's seven years old. We'd stop at OTB because he

40:23

was John Paracelo. It was a degenerate gamber who'd

40:26

crack my piggy bank open for money. I mean, it's like crazy.

40:29

So this is like a memoir. In the end, this is podcast.

40:31

So Melinda, my psychoanalyst,

40:34

said something so fascinating, which you guys are going to think

40:36

is interesting and it's about she said,

40:39

your mother. We came up with this together.

40:41

But like the fact that my mother would have a lifelong

40:43

eating disorder, which

40:45

by the way, affected me too. There was a time

40:48

in like high school, high school when people

40:50

were talking about food, and I talked to my daughter about that yesterday

40:52

too, I told her about the eating disorder. I was like, listen to

40:54

me, girls are going to come in with fat diets and

40:56

I only ate this and I look fat and I look and I'm

40:58

like, that will ruin your life. It's almost

41:01

like when people tell their kids, like, don't do you do drugs,

41:03

You'll die, Like it will ruin your life. That's

41:05

why we never talk about food in this house. We don't talk about

41:08

any why I was bad, I was good. This thin

41:10

weight, it's like not discussed

41:12

in my house. There was the word die is

41:14

in the word diet is not discussed. So

41:17

and my whole life it was my mother. Oh, I gained tampat

41:19

like every day, and I

41:21

had that where there were times that I took laxatives and there

41:24

were times when I would in living in that

41:26

apartment in

41:28

New York City where I would you know, go

41:30

out night and get drunk, go to

41:33

nightclubs, come home downstairs and eat like a whole

41:36

you know, Enteman's cake, or eat

41:38

a pint device and a binge because you were drinking.

41:41

I did. Then college to you get a whole pizza and

41:43

then starve. I never had the throw

41:45

up that's disgusting. I never had that. I could

41:47

never make myself throw up, but like and then would

41:49

starve myself. I'm gonna be good, I'm gonna

41:51

be bad. So it wasn't a classic

41:54

eating disorder like that is like anorexic

41:56

or believe it. But it was a disorder because it wasn't

41:59

in order. And that's what I wrote Naturally

42:01

Thin about because I don't know how I got

42:03

involved in my own life because I wanted to be happy.

42:06

Your life was defined by like I was good, I

42:08

was bad, I was fat, I was

42:10

thin. I gained way

42:12

to ruin your day, you know, and I was

42:14

like twenty five pounds heavier because I had no It

42:16

was a disorder, but it wasn't in

42:19

the you know, it never

42:21

got completely out of control. It

42:23

was more binge and never perd binge and then

42:27

naughty and be good, good, and bad. Those words

42:29

are not should not be associated with food.

42:31

Food is not your best friend or your enemy. That's naturally

42:33

thin. But Melinda said, I

42:36

mean, Bethany, you have a brand

42:38

called skinny Girl, like

42:40

like is it Freud? Is it? Who

42:43

knows what? But like and then that

42:45

she was also in alcohol. Her big disorders were

42:48

we're eating and

42:50

alcohol. I mean

42:52

I made all my money on alcohol. I

42:54

mean, it's insane. But skinny

42:57

Girl is about having a good relationship with food.

42:59

It's about allowing. It was about

43:02

allowing, like it was never about depriving. The whole

43:04

book, the whole brand was about like, now you get

43:06

to have a margarita that's slightly

43:08

sweet. Now you get to have microwave

43:10

popcorn, but it's better for

43:13

you. Now you get to have salad dressings, but they're

43:15

better for you. It was never about depriving.

43:17

So it was like, somehow resolving that

43:20

disorder. And yes, the word

43:22

skinny can be problematic, and if I were naming it

43:24

tomorrow, I wouldn't do that. It was just the margarita

43:26

was a skinnier version. But

43:29

Freud would have a fucking field day with that. Like

43:31

that was like a resolution to a disorder,

43:33

and it became something you

43:35

know, that represents a healthier relationship

43:37

with these things, to be able to have Margerita

43:40

whatever, and then alcohol,

43:43

you know, to have an alcohol brand and a wine brand.

43:45

I mean she drank wine, you know, out

43:47

of the faucet. So and

43:49

then she said, and now, Bethany, this is becoming

43:51

so clear because I told her my mother wanted to be a

43:53

star. She

43:56

wanted to be fabulous. You know, she held

43:58

me down. I wanted to go to acting

44:01

classes. She wouldn't take me. She had a friend she once told

44:03

me to made commercials. I badgered her day and night.

44:05

She she didn't take me. She once

44:07

told me she made She once told me intentionally,

44:10

I guess that I was offered a Disney contract

44:12

when I was like five years old, and that

44:14

she turned it down. I regretted it my whole life,

44:17

my whole life.

44:20

I obsessed over it, like I

44:22

could have been something. I could

44:24

have had a Disney contract, like when I was a little

44:26

girl. I begged her, why didn't you say yes? And like I wanted

44:28

to go backwards. I wanted her to call the friend who did commercials.

44:31

Like she never helped me. She never she wanted

44:33

to be famous, like she wanted to be me. She

44:36

was jealous of me like and so Malinn

44:39

and my father too, would name drop

44:41

the David Milch's and the dough

44:43

Tories, and you know, he was a horse trainer.

44:46

He was good at one thing, and

44:48

he made a lot of He made a lot of money. And I thought he was so

44:50

rich. And I was so enamored by the rich and my father's

44:52

rich and he lives in the Pacific Palisades and go

44:54

to the Derby and pretend and pretend and pretend.

44:57

And Melinda said, you, and

44:59

I said, passed all of their goals. I

45:01

am wealthier, even even with inflation and

45:04

all of it. I'm more successful, more relevant,

45:06

more wealthy than my father. I and

45:09

my Linda said to me, you surpassed

45:11

and you completed their

45:13

goals, Like that's what happens with generational

45:16

trauma, Like you completed each

45:18

of their goals. And that all

45:21

the times that people ask me why

45:23

I have the hard work and determination and the drive,

45:25

I never go deep enough. I think it's my father was very

45:27

driven and he was the best of what he did. And my mother

45:30

too, She was a worker. They were workers.

45:32

She worked her ass off. She didn't complain, she

45:34

was They were. They are people who worked. They

45:37

are not complainers. They are workers like I. You

45:39

know, I'm surrounded by people sometimes

45:41

like people I've been in relationships with. People want

45:44

waw and they're complaining and what like pros

45:46

play hurt. That's how I grew

45:49

up like pros play hurt. Period. No complain,

45:51

no explain, Like I work. You

45:54

take all my money today, I'll be at a restaurant. Tomorrow,

45:56

I'll be making money. I'll be working, I'll be bartending,

45:58

I'll be. I am a worker to day I die.

46:01

And I don't expect anyone to ever do anything that I've

46:03

never done. But I

46:06

took whatever they did

46:09

into the end zone, you know. And

46:11

there's something about that that I

46:13

that I like feel in my body like

46:16

I did it, I made it. And I think she

46:19

thinks that that is very related the hard

46:21

work and drive. So

46:24

there's a lot that's like unfolding, and that's

46:26

why it's been good for me. The music,

46:29

the walking, like the being alone, like I'm using

46:31

this to be good to like, you know, work

46:34

it out. Britt and I decided we were gonna take cookies

46:36

ashes, which have been in my laundry

46:38

room in a corner. For years,

46:40

we have not touched them, we have not addressed it. But

46:42

we made a decision that we would take my mother's ashes

46:45

because her friend that has been this good friend is

46:47

gonna come here. I'm gonna fly her here. I'm

46:50

gonna send something, Send some money to that woman

46:52

who's been taking care of her, who's like at her house,

46:54

like take care of as many people as I can. Fly

46:57

her friend here, have her stay

46:59

here, put her in a hotel, hell, give her an experience. She's

47:01

reconnected with her mother, as I told you. And

47:03

we're gonna put the ashes with cookies.

47:06

I think in the water my new house in the Hampton,

47:08

so like Cookie and my mother are together. I know none. This

47:10

is all not real, and like you know, it's

47:12

things that we make up and you know our lives,

47:15

but maybe it is real. I said to Brim, what

47:17

do you think happens? She said, I don't know,

47:19

Mama. She said, I think you come back. I think you recarnate.

47:22

She didn't say those words, so I think you come back as something

47:24

else. I said what she said, like, and

47:27

I was sharing with Michael Capponi, my

47:29

partner said he said, one day, I'll tell

47:31

you what I think. And you know, he talked

47:33

about the weaving of the souls and he's into cabala

47:35

and spirituality. But he said, maybe one

47:38

day, you know, bring comes back

47:40

as your mother's daughter, and like all

47:42

that gets resolved. And I can't see anything

47:44

but my mother and my daughter right now. I

47:46

can't see like you guys brought it to my attention.

47:49

I had seen it myself, but was like thinking, it is it

47:51

true? And she looks like her and she has that

47:53

like seventies essence of her, so

47:55

I can't see anything. But and I was thinking

47:57

maybe cookie and bring love issh, like can we do that, mama?

48:00

And all the stuff the way I sell

48:02

bags and that a lie address that I can't believe

48:04

this woman found in my mother's closet from thirty

48:07

years ago. All of this stuff is

48:09

going to come. And Broom was like, please, Mama, please don't do it without

48:11

me, like please, And I hate stuff, but

48:13

I'm like, I can't wait for it to come, and I can't wait

48:16

to go through it with Brin. So that's

48:18

all got you know, got meaning.

48:22

And it's

48:25

just important that I really mention well

48:32

first that there have been a lot of signs. You

48:35

know. My mother was the one who'd say to me, a black

48:37

crow is a design of death. And I saw black crow the other day

48:39

just like by itself and it wouldn't move, and I like, I

48:41

remember her saying that, and so that was

48:43

meaningful to me. So many crazy

48:46

memories that like are so insane.

48:48

It's a movie. It's like literally it's

48:51

a movie. So I have, you know,

48:53

I can't really just make it all that. It

48:55

was like I was living every day and my house

48:57

was like shit, it wasn't they were just it

49:00

just wasn't a child's house, you

49:02

know. But take these moments with your family,

49:04

Take these moments with your kids. Take these

49:06

moments and really

49:09

appreciate them, like as Mother's Day comes, like appreciate

49:12

them, cherish them because they're like fireflies.

49:15

I think it's so crazy that they call that movie

49:17

Firefly Lane because they're like fireflies, like

49:19

they're fleeting. And then you're in

49:21

a bed crying at fifty three and you're

49:23

like remembering just

49:25

like an ice cream cone with your mother that's

49:27

like the firefly like popcorn in the middle

49:30

of you know, on a road, Like why do I just remember

49:32

rest stop popcorn. Like I and Bryn

49:34

recently when I was going to go that weekend, she was like,

49:36

wanted to go on a road trip because I have a driver, he always

49:39

drives us. It's like I want to go just mom and Peanut

49:41

and I want to go, and like we're going to take

49:43

a road trip. I'm planning a trip this summer. You

49:45

know, pictures on my mother from me and taking me

49:47

to Egypt and Greece, and like this summer,

49:49

I'm taking her on a special trip, but not just like one

49:52

of these like fancy like Sancho pe I'm taking her

49:54

somewhere or see something that we haven't

49:56

seen. So it's got meaning. I'm making

49:58

meaning out of this, and I believe I'll be

50:00

have a more open heart, more forgiving.

50:03

And I've taken the entirety of

50:05

my mother and I've put

50:07

this, all of this through a strainer and it's

50:09

I'm I just have the good

50:12

now, I'm just I just have

50:14

the good and there's I'm

50:16

gonna make meaning out of it. And this

50:18

podcast has been such a gift to have a place

50:20

to put this. I have like had this inside and me even

50:23

writing notes, reading journals, listening to letters

50:25

all of it. And

50:29

and I had an experience recently where Brynn was

50:31

feeling from you know, someone that

50:33

she had the weight of the world and she's feeling

50:35

guilty and someone's making her feel guilty of something about something,

50:37

and she feels everything and like she's wearing

50:39

it. And you know, one day we'll get

50:42

into the pandemic. And and how much she had

50:44

on her back when she my kid

50:46

broke down bad. And

50:48

that's how we started her therapy. I said

50:50

to her yesterday, you are a butterfly,

50:53

and you have to do what work, what is good for

50:55

you and what is healthy for you. And I will always support

50:57

that you are not living my life. You

50:59

are not living any parents life. It's

51:01

amazing that she right now is making meaning out of this

51:03

and wanting to spend time with her grandparents and wanting to be

51:06

more thoughtful, et cetera. I said,

51:08

regarding anything negative in her feeling

51:10

this pressure as that you are living your this

51:12

is your life. You fly, But

51:16

love you guys, Thank you, and thank you for

51:18

all the messages I'm learning from you as much as hopefully

51:21

you're learning or just expressing

51:24

or being inspired by whatever this

51:26

brings up. For you,