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2:23

waste of the room. Go, Ed,

2:25

get on me. Did

2:28

I only realise recently that menopause is

2:30

like a contraction of menstal pause? Is

2:33

it? Yeah, it's the pausing of the

2:35

menstruation. Well, I learned something

2:37

called something called the

2:39

perimenopause, and which is like a

2:42

spike. You're getting on those. Yeah,

2:44

nice. Peri perimenopause. So what have you got on it?

2:46

And like a little build up and you

2:49

get like like little teaser of what's coming.

2:51

This is really sexist. Menstration is a contraction

2:54

because men get frustrated with it. Genuinely

2:57

being really awful being hysterical is

2:59

where is women going crazy because

3:01

of the funny

3:03

man, their womb area. That's why it's

3:05

a history that that last one can't

3:07

be right. Menstration is if because

3:10

it frustrated men because women were acting, you know,

3:13

hormonal when they were. Oh,

3:15

you meant you meant straighten out here. You meant straighten those as

3:17

well. Wow, it's

3:19

disgusting. We love women. Welcome

3:21

to the podcast, everyone. Guess

3:24

what we were chatting about before we started recording?

3:27

Women police officers. Politics. And

3:30

nice to see everyone. How are we?

3:32

You're right. I'm all plunged. Absolutely. Cold.

3:35

Have you? In it. Twat

3:38

in it. What

3:41

went since this morning? Yeah.

3:45

No, last night I like that shirt. I'm

3:48

going on some Holly Bob's about this in Zara. It was

3:50

out. I whipped it on. As I put

3:52

it on, I went, this is not going to go unnoticed.

3:54

So well done. Thank you

3:57

for affirming my knowledge.

4:00

judging judging fashion faces great I don't

4:02

know if anyone's ever noticed it it

4:05

is the thing with it is like

4:07

I I'm glad you blanching out

4:09

right I'll say that first of all right have

4:11

you bought this for your summer Holly bobs yes

4:13

a loose shirt it's actually this is like probably

4:15

last day of the holiday loose because

4:17

it's a bit bigger and I'm expecting what

4:19

like a big tree watch me

4:21

you blanching off nice nice

4:23

me me me joke I

4:26

was expecting to be counted off are you

4:28

a sweaty man oh

4:31

I have been known to warm up

4:33

a little bit because there isn't a

4:36

single colored a single color

4:38

of clothing wears for sweaty man then

4:40

a sort of shade of gray yeah

4:43

I swear from me face I want Botox on me

4:45

this is a winter color is

4:48

it yeah it's gonna be worn in Tenerife

4:50

and you you are gonna not in the

4:52

day when I go evening is that okay

4:54

with you I'm not I'm

4:56

all for I

4:58

think it's a nice shirt you know yeah we

5:01

were doing we were wearing some people are wearing

5:03

shirts at the nighttime last year when we went

5:05

and that was around the same time on it

5:07

Tenerife if I start sweating hopefully but I'll take

5:10

a picture I'll take pictures of the patch just

5:12

no dancing no it's me

5:14

and laws in it just

5:16

going we're going for lying down don't

5:19

want to go to moonlight bar some

5:21

sex do you want a short sleeve

5:23

shirt I mean we've been

5:25

hyping it up I like when we get

5:27

to Tenerife she's like yeah put

5:30

the over under a holiday bonks at two yeah

5:33

oh yeah I mean a nice fire is pathetic

5:37

I know but I'm

5:39

going for two if you have

5:41

three seven I'll stick it on my Instagram

5:43

stories taking your pills it should be bare

5:46

minimum seven that's shouldn't it the first thing

5:48

I do in a hotel is have sex

5:50

whether it's with myself or with my beautiful

5:52

fiance right or with the bellboy no no

5:55

I'm always there so

5:57

I can be with myself right sex

5:59

with yourself What we'd say masturbation.

6:01

Oh, right. Yeah. I

6:03

think like the formula that's actually sure

6:06

holiday bong. We're masters should

6:08

be X

6:11

plus brackets X over X plus

6:13

one or two. That's how I

6:15

always Know I have no

6:17

idea what the fuck So like

6:19

five five days away is a five. Yeah,

6:21

yeah five X over X would be one

6:23

So add one or two to that so

6:25

you should be having between seven and eight

6:28

fucks Well, I tell you what your mathematics

6:30

has got me horny So

6:32

that's how I'm gonna explain it to Laura Laura.

6:34

We've got to have more sex. Just a fucking

6:36

equation You need to fight thing. I'm

6:39

right. I'm not by the way front loads the holiday as well.

6:41

It needs to be three on the first day I'm

6:45

just realizing I formula need that's always one.

6:48

So it's X plus Two

6:50

or three. I got I'm so glad I was about to bring

6:52

that up two weeks away Having 16 to 17 Get

6:57

some bands always know Which

7:00

sex workers on holiday like

7:02

what there's me spends there's me sex

7:04

work on money what 17 bucks in five nine

7:06

You should be fucking one though and every single

7:08

evening and sometimes you just go you never been

7:10

sat around appeal You significant of them all then

7:12

you just say and go put that down and

7:14

get upstairs. I'm gonna bum you out at it

7:18

Yeah, little midday fuck you leave your towel

7:20

there you go upstairs you fuck you come

7:22

back No, no you go upstairs eat some

7:24

lays Right, and then

7:26

you get laid paprika lays Yeah, you sit

7:28

there with your fucking foreign ships crisps, and

7:31

then you're a bit of fucking bababa bababa Don

7:33

do you don't think when you're on

7:35

the beach getting your feet massaged by?

7:38

Asian women again, that's gonna get you

7:40

properly in the mood. Well.

7:42

Yeah, maybe yeah You'll

7:45

know something's frustrating me. I'm on my foot foot

7:48

massage of the day. Yeah, I Don't

7:50

know I'm all in for it. I love

7:53

your maths. I love the prospect Alright

7:55

cool. Frog loadie. You don't have on the first

7:57

day. I can't this is a public episode so

8:00

This isn't gonna go down well, but I'll WhatsApp you with

8:02

every bonk. Right. No, no,

8:04

no, no! On my

8:06

Instagram stories, what will be the visual code?

8:09

The visual code... Ah.

8:11

Your cock. I

8:14

know. Put your cock on your Instagram

8:16

and we'll know what you mean. Oh, no glasses.

8:18

Right. Your glasses aren't on. If there's a can

8:20

of Sprite in an Instagram story, count it as

8:22

a bonk. What's a seven up? A

8:25

wank. Hang on, what happened? You have to

8:27

go to the camera to say what? Seven wanker. Hang on, wait,

8:29

someone's gonna come and Sprite from your shirt. Again, why? No,

8:33

make it an emoji. Right.

8:35

Make it like, so that's not obvious, like an aubergine, make

8:37

it like, I don't know, a car. Right.

8:40

If there's a... I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what,

8:43

I'm telling you right now. Tunnel emoji. If there's... What the

8:45

fuck if we get laid in the middle of the noon?

8:47

Like, look, I'm just going to fucking go in the tunnel.

8:50

What was that, I don't know. What

8:52

was that? Just

8:55

take a selfie. I'm so excited about going. So where

8:57

is the selfie? There's a car. You have a little

8:59

selfie video actually. So every time you finish having sex,

9:01

just take a selfie video and just go, I've just

9:03

fucked my wife. And we'll know what you

9:05

mean. Nice. Well, you know, make sure she's in it as

9:07

well. I've just had

9:10

intercourse with Laura, nice and girl, and

9:12

I love Sprite. And

9:14

I'm able to get a taxi. Oh, we've talked, we've

9:16

talked. You know what I mean? Yes.

9:19

Just make a car. Why don't I just take a

9:21

picture of Laura's biff and put it on my Instagram

9:23

stories? Well, that... I think you'll get a violation. You

9:25

get a shadow of hands. Oh,

9:27

right. Just look right at... So,

9:30

car emoji's a bit like... Laura

9:32

will be like, why don't you keep putting these car emojis on your

9:34

story? Just take a selfie video and just go, brum, brum. Yeah,

9:38

cool. But

9:40

it's got to be within a minute of you

9:42

finishing. Oh,

9:44

no. What are you doing that for, lesson? The

9:46

soggy brum, brum. Why are we doing that? Twice.

9:49

Yeah, but then I'm going to have to finish.

9:51

Oh, I'm so going to love you, babe. 17

9:53

times this week. It's only Tuesday. And then I'll

9:55

be like, I'm just going to quickly do it.

9:57

Oh, I'm just here having a great holiday. remember

10:00

to buy tickets with that nightingale in Fiends

10:02

because they're going fast, rum rum. But

10:06

then for the whole week or five days she's

10:08

like why'd you keep saying brum brum and you're

10:10

like none of your business right then on the

10:12

last day when you fucking just as you're about

10:14

to finish you look her right in the eye

10:17

and say I'm about to brum and

10:19

then she'll get it. Yeah, brum brum brum. And

10:22

you come. Nice. Nice.

10:24

I want a brum. Right. It's

10:28

going to be a car in the Instagram stories. It's going

10:30

to be brum brum. Make it. Make it. It's

10:33

a car in the Instagram stories. Everyone knows little

10:35

Danny's had a fucking great time. I expect to be two on at

10:37

least one of the days. Right.

10:39

Okay. Cool. Well,

10:42

I'll get to work. You need to get a

10:44

fucking, what? You need to do all this gearlogging,

10:46

don't you? Get a suntan lotion

10:48

round them. Pottery. Oh yeah, yeah,

10:50

yeah. So you put

10:52

some cream on my back. That's the side of

10:54

me tits. I know it is, brum brum. She

10:56

loves that voice as well. That

10:58

makes it, yeah, lovely. Fucking gravelly scouser.

11:02

Yeah, girl. Get

11:04

that fucking fear punto in the picture. You need to put

11:06

some work in is what I'm saying. Holiday doesn't mean sex.

11:10

You need to turn it to put the good after. Apparently it does

11:12

to you. Three days away. What graph are you doing? Put

11:17

your fucking sprite down, girl. There's

11:19

a bed upstairs. Three

11:22

days away would be, I think

11:24

would be four or five. Depends

11:26

where you are. I hope we're still doing this podcast

11:28

when you're ten years married. I've been with my dad

11:30

for 18 years. We've been longer

11:32

than your partner. What does manage do? I'll

11:34

be saying that now you fucking pussies. So,

11:36

no. You're

11:42

really fucking up my brum brums, you know. I'm

11:45

with my partner longer than you've been with yours. Welcome

11:48

to all the Tommy Innit fans who are watching from

11:50

the start. Oh shit. Mmm.

11:54

Yeah, do you like Minecraft? I

11:58

almost thought this was a painting. Oh shit. It's

12:02

gonna be a rough 45 minutes for you lad.

12:05

It's probably worth exclaiming at the start of

12:07

the new episode this is intended for people

12:09

aged at least 6 feet enough. I

12:13

like brum brums. So good luck

12:15

with you. Thank you. Watch

12:17

my Instagram stories. You've got to get one

12:19

in Siam Park. A

12:23

risky one. A shag in Siam Park. Is that

12:25

the artist? Yeah. They

12:27

can write up the water slide. Where do you

12:29

have them sex in Siam Park? There's no where

12:31

do yous. In a queue. I

12:34

got chewed off in the change. I remember foreign spa. Ah

12:37

woo. Chewed off. Went

12:42

in for some fags. What? Oh

12:45

you mean like a relaxation spa. Yeah

12:48

yeah yeah. What's in the petrol station? You didn't go in

12:50

for a bag of brunk cocktail walkers. You mean cigarette. 20

12:53

LMB. That's what I meant. Whatever

12:55

your awful mind went to.

12:58

Yeah. That was nice. It was

13:01

fun. What did you do? What

13:03

did you build on? Yeah. Oh no. That's

13:06

a successful. Chewed off. How do

13:08

you initiate that as a scouser? Yeah a girl. Chew is

13:10

off though. Gives a chew. Gives a

13:12

chew. Told us before. No. That's

13:15

why we say. It's never worked. That's

13:17

why we say. What did we say for chewy again? Chewed. No.

13:21

What's our way of thinking? That's our finger in the arse. What?

13:24

Because I said to him. Gives a chewy.

13:26

He'd be like whoa. No I wouldn't. What

13:28

if you misheard me? Oh you're such a

13:30

good friend. Yeah. You'd ask. Suck

13:32

you off. No no no. A

13:35

chew and a chewy and the same thing. Wow. That's

13:37

what I mean. Chewy. That's a chewy. No

13:40

it's not. Well if I chew is

13:42

too close to chewy. Give us a chewy. Yeah.

13:45

Just means chewy. That's pop.

13:47

No. Give us a little chewy

13:50

there love. I don't think you're. I don't think you

13:52

are actually scousers. I think it's just. There's all scousers

13:54

then you two and your own different. Look

13:56

at her asshole. That

13:58

is just a. Yeah that is. Anyway, excited. Are

14:00

you alright? When do you go again? Eh,

14:04

we drop the kids off at the pool. No,

14:08

we drop the kids off at the pool. Yeah, we

14:11

drop the kids off at the pool. We

14:15

drop the kids off at her mother's. God

14:18

bless that fucking woman. Do they know? What?

14:21

Do the kids know you're going away? Yeah, we're not

14:23

abducting them and they're just like fucking. Do they know

14:25

you're going away without them? Oh no, they're getting it.

14:27

We're getting it hyped up. You're going away with

14:30

grandma and grandad. Where to? Great

14:33

Yarmouth. Where will you be? Let's not talk

14:35

about that. Obviously you're not told to be going to be in. Kind of,

14:37

yeah. Yeah, it's quite hard for your kids. Yeah,

14:39

I get a bit of a leak of friction. You've got a bounce cast on your garden. Yeah.

14:42

That is getting booked again though. I got the dadgill about it. We're

14:46

going to be doing a lot of stuff. We're going to be doing a lot of stuff. I'm

14:49

doing a lot of stuff. It's

15:01

been a long day. It's

15:40

not the neighbours fucking business. It's not how

15:42

neighbours work. It's not how you work. It's

15:46

not their business. We're burning

15:48

fucking car buyers. It's none of your

15:50

business. No, it doesn't work like that.

15:53

We're doing illegal dogfights. Mind

15:56

your fucking business. It's

15:58

in your fucking house. If

16:01

you want dog fighting in your garden there's not in your

16:03

neighbour's gonna say as long as you're not fighting their dogs.

16:05

And as long as they haven't got washing out. You

16:08

talk me through it. Just it's like.

16:11

Yeah yeah cos no one wants the

16:13

splatter of dog blood on your fucking

16:15

bedding. Exactly. Yeah. Put

16:17

your bedding away I'm having some illegal dog fights burning some

16:19

tires in my bouncy castle. Don't even

16:22

think about catching up. It's a gypsy birthday.

16:24

Oh that was too fun. There's absolutely no

16:26

way that any neighbour has got any right

16:28

to tell you you can't have a rodeo

16:30

bull in your back garden on a Tuesday

16:32

morning. It's just fun. You're right. But

16:34

it's good to just for everyone to be sound

16:37

about it because I have to live there for

16:39

probably the next 35 years. So

16:41

you just want to be like are you alright? And they were like

16:43

what are you up to? What are we like? That's nice. If it's

16:45

a second day. You don't lean over and go it's my bouncy

16:47

castle. We've paid for it. Fucking your fucking house. That's what

16:50

I'd do. I'll burn it down. It doesn't work like

16:52

that. That's not what I'm saying. That's not what

16:54

I'm saying. What I'm saying is you don't do that. You don't instigate

16:56

it. Daniel! Then

16:59

if that's when you go get back in your house you stupid fucking

17:01

cunt or I'll put one in your garden next week. What?

17:07

Remember when you were a kid? I was like what? I was

17:09

like what? I was like what? I was

17:11

like what? I was like what? I was like what? I

17:14

was looking forward to him buying your house. Would

17:16

you ever be bollock out in a bouncy castle in your back garden? What?

17:19

You put it in your garden or you can be bollock out

17:21

on a house? Do you remember when you were on

17:23

the bouncy castle and you were bouncing

17:25

and you could see my mate Alistair working from

17:27

home? He was looking at me? Ah yeah and

17:29

if my dick's out is that his fault? Fuck

17:31

away? You were looking at my dick? That's fucking...

17:34

Get back in your fucking house! No I think you have to

17:36

be in your house to have you in the house. I

17:39

think once you're outside, that's like airspace and stuff. There's

17:44

different rules there. Yeah

17:46

you can't fly planes, why should they? You can't get

17:48

your dick out there. You dick the planes legally. There's

17:50

an idiot jet route to Alicante. Is that your forever

17:52

home, don't you? I think so maybe. I don't

17:54

know. I don't know. You

17:57

might be on mortgageable soon with your age. I'm

18:01

43. You have

18:03

to do as an agent, like what given you a

18:05

ball? You've got 27 years of mortgageable life. And I

18:07

can't fly. And I can't fly. I've got 27 years.

18:10

Is it 70? I

18:12

think they'll do you well into your 60s. Have

18:14

you talked about buying the airspace above your house? I'll look

18:17

into it so I can get my dick out. So

18:20

it's like if it's going to be your forever

18:22

own, then you can build up, can't you? There

18:24

you go. You can have a hotel upstairs. Seriously,

18:26

that's how it works. I don't

18:28

need permission. I

18:31

own the airspace. That

18:34

happens in New York, doesn't it? I

18:36

think. Which one? Companies own

18:38

the space above them so they can always go up. I

18:40

don't think it happens in Cheshire. You can

18:42

buy the airspace above your house? No, you can't.

18:44

And then planes have to go around? Yeah,

18:47

planes have to go around. Right,

18:49

because I've got a 27-storey building. No, you only. They

18:52

have to pay you to do it. And if you come to

18:54

it, the chess pass them, and then easy. So your billions make

18:56

billions. How low do you think these easy jet

18:58

planes are flying over my house? Oh, it's the space. It's above

19:00

it. There's no limits on it. You get it all the way

19:02

up to the moon. When the moon's like that, it's going to be out.

19:04

You'd be well within your right to shoot out the sky. Yeah,

19:07

but for that split second left. All

19:10

right, okay, I'll look into it. So good

19:12

to learn from you guys, isn't it? We did

19:14

go to this view. We went to school. You

19:16

went to school. What lesson was that

19:18

part of? You buy the airspace and you

19:20

can shoot down aircraft. I

19:22

turn to page 27. This is history. It

19:25

was it was a RA. Yeah, it was a RA.

19:27

Mike, would you ever build up on

19:30

your house? You're not allowed to build up. You

19:32

are if you buy the airspace. You're

19:34

not listening. You have not researched

19:36

this in any way. You can't build up. You

19:39

can't. I'm putting a dormer on my house. That's essentially

19:41

built up. I'm putting a what? A dormer. A

19:44

dormer. I'd be on the door of the dormer. For

19:48

all the fucking people asking for selfies, no. A dormer. Right.

19:52

What's a dormer? For the loft extension.

19:56

I have to ask the council local's they care. Do you think I was

19:58

looking at my house, apparently? Yeah. You're

20:00

not building up, you're building out. It's

20:03

a bit of both. Oh, nice.

20:06

I didn't realise you could build up. I don't

20:08

even want to build out. Just take the roof off and start.

20:10

Who's not saying it? I'll take the roof off, do a gig

20:12

there, mate. Yeah, just let,

20:14

I'll do, I think we're not moving. I

20:16

think this is going to be it. No, I think you need to move.

20:18

I have another baby as well. You're

20:21

not busy enough. This holiday. Is

20:23

there actually a limit on how high you can go? You

20:26

say you can't build up, because you've built a garden obviously,

20:28

you've technically built up. That was the floor originally.

20:30

Yeah, but it's not higher than your property, is it? Oh, is that

20:32

the roof? I don't think you can go above 2.2 metres

20:35

for a garden office. 2.2

20:37

or 2.5 metres. Oh, so that's

20:39

the regs, isn't it? Yeah, and you can't go

20:41

bigger than 30 square metres in what they call

20:44

it like... Square footage. Square

20:46

footage, yeah. In metres. What are we saying,

20:48

Finn, what's the roof? Yeah,

20:52

no you can. As a freehold property

20:54

owner, you have air rights, meaning you

20:57

can develop vertically above your property. Wow,

21:00

cool. Nice. Well, we're on the field

21:02

only, Alicia. Oh, no. We're

21:04

freehold, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get

21:06

a hotel down on the way. Get some other floors. You

21:08

start paying attention, aren't they? You mate, you don't miss me.

21:11

Stupid mate, just learning about Diwali. Hindu.

21:16

I can't believe you're not moving home. This is not

21:19

my forever home. Hindu,

21:21

Diwali, yeah. Isn't

21:24

Diwali the fellow who appeared to someone and

21:27

was like, hey, change your ways? Was

21:29

that a party? Was that a screen?

21:31

That was self-advocacy. Do

21:34

you mean... Mali? No,

21:36

like, I'm literally going off a

21:39

battle rap area. We're Marley and

21:41

Marley. Do you go to the bar? It's the

21:43

festival of light, isn't it? I thought it was

21:45

a party. No,

21:48

but the Varlies are fellas who appeared to someone and was like,

21:50

hey, pack it in. That's huge.

21:53

That's a Hindu festival. Religious festival.

21:55

The triumphant return of Lord Rama,

21:57

his wife, Sita, and brother, Latchamnaan.

22:00

manner nailed it black oh

22:02

let me do that again

22:04

black shammer mano you're trying to

22:06

order a drink um seater no it's white seater it's

22:08

why i used to get people left on a bike

22:14

festival of light yeah oh no

22:16

doing virally conica

22:21

conica's the festival of light isn't it you do

22:23

all the candles and shit yeah this is why

22:25

you shouldn't have done so much property development in

22:27

religious studies you

22:29

know i heard them like years ago that

22:31

like conica was better than christmas because

22:34

uh what the jews would do was

22:37

they would get you get a present every day don't you

22:40

other than just love that we always found an excuse

22:44

but then i uh i

22:47

can't remember where i learned it but like the

22:49

jews don't just like give all their kids loads

22:51

of presents every day so i think

22:53

christmas is still better because apparently like what

22:55

happened was on like the first day of hanukkah

22:58

on the first day of hanukkah it

23:00

gives you like you know the the

23:02

front wheel of a bike and

23:04

then the second day you get the back wheel and eventually

23:07

you get like a whole bike that's lovely that i fucking

23:09

build a bear maybe that was adie shafir's special i learned

23:11

that from really and he's a jew

23:13

so he knows he is jewish my

23:17

jew love gave to me chris nice word

23:20

point i think christmas is

23:22

better when you get 472

23:25

presents all at once in the name of our

23:27

saved i haven't had the pleasure for christmas for

23:29

about 15 years i don't think apart from the

23:31

christmas presents we've given you no i don't class

23:33

them oh yeah you're right you

23:36

probably haven't had any presents then have you give me

23:38

on christmas morning because that's what i mean like waking

23:40

up and like you haven't had a christmas present on

23:42

christmas morning like i don't know in my head no

23:44

i used to get loads it's all relaxed you're

23:46

32 why

23:49

what do you mean i used to get loads

23:51

when i was seven and now no one's making

23:54

the same effort yeah but why should i go

23:56

off because you said no not because you said

23:58

because it's just life isn't it Why?

24:00

Well, why are you fucking whinging about then? Get

24:03

your own presents get fucking serica to give you loads

24:05

of presents and make a big fuss of you I

24:07

will. Here's the front wheel of a bike. You'll never

24:10

use it you lazy cunt Cancel

24:12

the bike ride on me There

24:15

was about 15 reasons One

24:19

of the reasons was I didn't wake up. That was one

24:21

of the reasons. As soon as you were like Yeah, we'll

24:23

get Adam as well. That's never happening that bike ride. I

24:26

was all set for it I had a really difficult day

24:28

so you can shove that up your ass. All right, cool

24:30

I should have more well more faith in me. I know

24:32

you were right. We're training for India. We're going to We're

24:38

going to India to celebrate Diwali Imagine

24:41

I'm hoping it's on we're doing a

24:43

charity bike route around India and I'm putting in some

24:45

practice sort of I know I was around the bike

24:47

looking to practice. Ah, cool. See you there then I'm

24:51

I've got a proper training plan start. I'm gonna

24:53

get back from Nashville Nice On

24:56

the bike Cool,

24:59

I think I'm also gonna run another

25:01

half marathon in October Can

25:08

I sponsor you a thousand pounds to not talk about

25:10

on the podcast no, I'll do it Pay

25:13

me a grandpa to talk about it. Right cool. It's

25:15

unbelievable. Can you go on? You

25:18

sponsored me a thousand man. I will not mention the

25:20

half marathon on there What

25:25

a bargain What

25:29

are you doing outside of cycling your bike to get ready What

25:32

do you mean fitness wise you pumping up I'm

25:34

trying in the gym yesterday, but I'm going yeah,

25:36

I'm quite enjoying it What's your favorite the

25:39

lap pull down said it before I really like it. I

25:41

am trying I'm getting better though But I need a PT

25:43

Laura and I gonna start doing it together Not

25:46

the brum brum the fucking means that

25:48

I can see these together and it works. It's good. Does

25:50

it you push each other? Yeah Yeah,

25:53

I'm looking forward to that a little bit

25:55

of communal action. I'm gonna enjoy every discipline

25:57

who mean Jack Finnegan Listen,

26:00

I honestly heard something else. Doesn't

26:02

matter. I'm going to have to be very disciplined

26:04

about not looking at bunders in the gym when

26:06

Laura's in there. Why? Look

26:08

at this. There is just a limit of

26:10

how many bums you can look out. But

26:12

Laura's pretty sound. Sometimes she's like, that's a great

26:15

bunda. But depends how

26:17

she's failing. Do you know what you should say? I'll

26:19

just go, there's yours. Chicken. Babe. Get

26:22

your ass out. Take a

26:24

picture of that taxi. You know, talk

26:26

about it. I'm going

26:28

to Spain as well. I'm

26:32

near you. I'm going to Parma. Both

26:34

going on Aldi without me. It's a wedding

26:36

though. You've got a lot of

26:38

weddings going on at the moment, kid. You're in the zone,

26:41

aren't you? Yeah, you're in the zone. I haven't said that.

26:43

I don't think I've got any coming off apart from maybe yours

26:45

or maybe yours. Definitely. See

26:49

if it's the light here or the time from the round. You know what I mean?

26:52

Laura's invited to Venice now for their own side. Yeah,

26:55

Laura's plugged away in. Laura's

26:59

coming to Venice. Yeah, you get to an age,

27:01

early thirties, where it just seems like there's a

27:03

lot of invites dropping. Finn, you won't be

27:06

in the zone yet, but it just all of a sudden, you're like,

27:08

oh my God. You're still going to his mate's Christmas, isn't he? That's

27:11

me. Every weekend. Every week. Every

27:14

week. Has any of your friends got money? You've

27:17

all got kids, haven't they? Yeah, they are, but

27:19

not close enough that I'd go like... Only cams

27:21

got a kid. Yeah, cams got kids. How old's

27:23

Cam your age? Younger than me. Really?

27:26

Any of our kids? He's my school, yeah,

27:28

but he's like 10 months younger. Multiple children?

27:30

Two children. Multiple children. That's young in this day

27:32

and age, innit? Not at all. Yeah, but who

27:34

are we talking about it with? He

27:37

said to me, he'll be done at 40, and

27:39

then he can just do what he wants. Yeah, because

27:42

his kids will be like fucking teenagers by then, and

27:44

he can just chill. Yeah, it's the Rich Wilson model,

27:46

where he's like 40, and he's got a fucking 22-year-old.

27:48

It doesn't look that bad. Then he's

27:50

fucking had another one. You're fucking when you're young. Yeah,

27:53

he's just had another one. Yeah, he fucked that up. He's still

27:55

had one afterwards. I would

27:57

like then you're 40, and you're physically fucked.

27:59

because you've been raising kids for 20 years and

28:02

you can't fucking do anything. I didn't do it the other

28:04

way around. Have the kids, when you're 40, enjoy your 20s

28:06

and 30s. You're physically fucked. Raising

28:08

at 80s and 30s, I am fucked.

28:12

Just if you have babies at 24, 25, and

28:14

you are doing it properly and you're like giving

28:16

it, you've got the energy, you're like having them

28:18

older. I had Jack when I was 40, it's not

28:20

going. Like I'd go early,

28:22

except I wanted to do pills and not

28:25

concentrate all through my 20s. I'm

28:28

not here. You still for a ride? Thanks,

28:30

mate. Well done. We'll see how many cars you

28:33

see in my Instagram stories. But it doesn't

28:35

have to be shooting fucking raw, it's going to be shwiring in blanks,

28:37

couldn't you? Shwiring. Shwiring.

28:39

I'm happy the way I've done it now. I don't want to have kids, but

28:42

if I did it one month, I'm young, give it to you.

28:48

There's an election coming up, boys. There

28:50

is an election coming up. You involved? The

28:52

announcement yesterday was fantastic, can we talk about

28:54

that? Big, soggy piece of shit, Rishi Suna.

28:57

The main thing is we get rid of the

28:59

cunts. So for everyone who's like, yeah, fuck the

29:01

Tories, that counts for nothing, unless

29:03

you actually get rid of the Tories now.

29:06

This is the opportunity. You might not love the

29:08

opposition. You might not love other parties. You

29:10

have to get rid of these shite bags. We've

29:13

been strangled as a country for the last

29:15

five or six years. And

29:17

this is an opportunity to free ourselves

29:19

of them. It's so easy to go, yeah,

29:21

I fucking hate the Tories and all that. If

29:24

you do nothing at this point,

29:26

they are completely hollow words. Get

29:29

rid of these cunts. Register to

29:31

vote. Please register to vote. I know there's a

29:33

lot of people who I absolutely agree with, being

29:35

like, here's farmers, like a blue

29:38

and a red tie and eat the

29:40

lesser of two evils, but I

29:42

agree with you, but it

29:45

is still the lesser of two evils.

29:47

And that's, I

29:49

understand, especially with everything that's going on in the Middle East,

29:53

why people have huge problems with voting

29:56

for Labour at the minute, but you've

29:58

just, you've, like... You've

30:00

just got to yeah, and also

30:02

like if if kierstammer is your issue you're

30:04

not voting for a president You're voting for

30:06

a government. You're voting for an mp in

30:08

your constituency Clear them out

30:13

People problem with them and it is not

30:15

just kierstammer He's he's the absolute he's the

30:17

biggest one But there's a lot of policies

30:19

in place at the minute with the labor party that people

30:21

are really Traditional labor voters who are

30:23

left-wing and they don't they don't see a lot of

30:26

The policies has been for them. And what i'm

30:28

saying is I understand that and I

30:30

agree with that And I

30:33

I'm not going to enjoy voting for

30:35

them either Because in

30:38

many ways I can see how you would

30:40

feel that they're just as bad as the

30:42

people already in power But they're not come

30:44

on. They're not yeah, they're not just as

30:46

bad like they are bad They're not good

30:49

But it isn't as bad and and

30:51

also got to be a step in the

30:53

right direction the labor party tried Corbin and

30:55

they tried a more left-wing version of the

30:57

labor party and he lost two elections So

31:00

I I thought jeremy corbin was a great

31:02

man If you are fetishizing that and that's

31:04

the reason you can't vote like we are

31:06

going to end up with more fucking torries

31:08

Please for the love of god like

31:11

there's a chance to actually wipe him out here

31:13

Yeah Also, it could be biblical

31:15

You're the young voters never been able to

31:17

vote before and you think make sure you

31:19

check your registered A home with

31:21

your mom or have you moved out for uni? I think

31:23

they're banking on people not being able to register in town

31:26

This is such Sneaky cunt politics go

31:28

and check now whether you are registered to vote

31:30

no matter what your age is Oh I'm registered

31:32

and then you're not and you've got no time

31:34

and it's very easy to go Well, it's labor

31:36

round here Anyway, it doesn't matter because the the

31:38

less people think that the the more the more

31:40

chance there's a you say it like where i'm

31:42

From the bit of press than i'm from is

31:44

a swing seat If we

31:46

just have 10 50 100

31:49

people are influenced to vote Instead of

31:51

just going off just see what happens gov.uk Register

31:55

to vote with hyphens in between the register go and

31:57

do it now if you especially if you're first I'm

32:00

voting go meet yourself plowden votes just do it

32:03

All right Save

32:06

it And

32:08

welcome back to section 2 of You

32:12

know banks shut a three o'clock now Yeah, and

32:14

no one text me to let me know that's

32:16

if you're lucky enough to have a branch anymore

32:19

Yeah, the fucking going in Liverpool City's any

32:21

you'd expect to have a branch with you.

32:23

Yeah. Yeah Yeah

32:27

Realize it three. Are they giving a reason? There's no

32:29

one gets just as no one goes to banks anymore

32:31

Yeah, there's no cash anymore. There's no reason to go

32:33

to banks I've eaten some line unless you go to

32:36

a medic head and the fraud team block your card

32:38

Oh, you couldn't possibly have gone on all of these

32:40

shut it down Four

32:45

times this year what's he

32:47

doing there? It's the only time they've

32:49

blocked it every time she's been fine There's

32:52

no way of knowing you were going away apart from

32:54

those plane tickets you bought with this card You didn't

32:56

get it. So it was a closure. No, I went

32:58

there then she was like, yeah, I'll just have a

33:00

look for you And

33:02

yeah, the fraud team have thought you were doing

33:04

fraud So they've fraud they do you want to

33:07

bring them and I was like how long

33:09

I'll take she was like You'll probably be on over about

33:11

20 to 30 minutes and then it'll take

33:13

about 15 minutes When'd you get to do I was like right?

33:15

Yeah, they're not a job to call him and they gave you

33:17

the phone Yeah, but

33:19

that's just as bad for me to be shot there

33:21

for 20 to 30 minutes. We just do do call

33:25

He gets to the front of the queue we are sent in

33:27

there we're sorry that you're 9,000 in the queue We'll

33:29

probably get to you at some point anyway enjoying this

33:33

With a cube behind him and then you think

33:35

it's her job to go I know there's a

33:37

cube at this man's room ring and I did

33:39

offer to be fair to come to this woman

33:41

There was another he said I can ring them

33:43

now and give you the phone or I can

33:45

give you the number And you can call in your own time. They're open

33:47

till 8 so the that call sends

33:49

us to the later cloth But she's

33:51

getting off today, isn't she? Baffa

33:54

why she's at eight There's

33:57

no fraud after 8 p.m. I I

34:00

love how someone's gone on hold music,

34:02

don't make it fun because you

34:04

want them to turn the phone off for 30 seconds You

34:07

should be able to connect your Spotify to companies that you're

34:09

not old with and you just listen to your own playlist,

34:11

that'd be class, but you just forget I'm

34:13

on a vibe They hang up on you and they hear

34:16

some country music Whoa! People love it,

34:18

people fucking love it by the way It's taking

34:20

over It is though! Pathetic I've

34:22

sold 900 tickets for country parties and

34:25

there's 700 more people on the waiting

34:27

list It's clonk! And

34:29

he's saying a shit and you're wrong?

34:31

So wrong Your opinion is wrong Finn,

34:33

get up with the time Go to

34:35

Eurovision Yeah? How

34:37

many tickets have you sold for Eurovision party? None

34:39

I put it on sale, 5000 Oh

34:42

yeah, 5000,000 Could've

34:44

done a massive gaff though for these country parties

34:46

Could've been like 1200 seats But

34:50

you don't want to sit, do you? Do you want to

34:52

just sit around drinking? People just sit and have a drink Ah,

34:54

yeah, there's all the people coming It's an eight hour party

34:57

Can't wait Oh, I love

34:59

country music so much more when I start drinking at

35:01

2pm How do you think? When you can't

35:03

hear it Oh, I can't wait You're

35:05

going to do an hour of stand up at

35:08

4 o'clock? Nice! One hour? Country themed stand up

35:11

Massive And Bring

35:14

that on And that's Adam Rose,

35:16

charity country all day as three

35:19

of them Fifteen gardeners, the charity, I don't think he's

35:21

a comedian anymore I like the name I think he's

35:24

a party organiser Eeyore The name's clever Works really well,

35:26

doesn't it? The name's clever, yeah? Eeyore I didn't have

35:28

a word That was in no women Ow

35:31

What? Hors No

35:35

I thought he was saying yes, ho Yes

35:38

Yes Yes Yes Probably

35:42

yes If it's a four act themed sex party

35:44

I'm just hoping Ted's going into the kitchen There

35:47

is women going, isn't there? Oh, there's a lot

35:49

of women Good, good, good, good Because

35:51

country music is already pretty camp I don't need

35:53

to do an all boys all day How's country

35:55

music camp? I'm sorry, what? How's

35:57

country music camp? Did you see the cowboy boot? boots

36:00

you bought the little snakes go with it yeah

36:03

how are they come to the black and

36:05

cream cool if that doesn't mean pink oh

36:08

my god those kinky boots what are

36:10

you talking about no they're not camp

36:12

at all it's not white snakeskin that

36:14

you talked beige pants into I'm gonna

36:16

talk the pants and no that was

36:18

a mistake or suck that bloke off

36:21

yeah there

36:24

was a guy wasn't that do you remember I don't

36:26

know if you remember this I remember it yeah there's

36:28

a guy like near us yeah I can't remember anyone

36:30

he was like you're staying brave tucking them

36:32

in and

36:35

you have

36:37

such a good day that we went don't tell

36:39

them just let me know I didn't know

36:42

that I was you know just start me country journey

36:44

but well I'll just see the top of them you

36:46

don't oh well then why give me

36:48

the fucking pattern you do if you if they go on women

36:51

women often have like skirts or shorts on

36:53

with them I'm here

36:55

you know Toby you know how

36:57

told me we beat your tongue

37:00

I can't wait me to be class he

37:03

wearing cowboy off it yeah I'm gonna

37:05

get a fucking absolute doozy for each one

37:07

he's hiring a horse who's

37:10

coming up in the elevator imagine I

37:12

was there like a month or exactly sound

37:15

sold the music I'll

37:18

be there all gotta be rigged

37:20

out though in clumsy

37:22

attire I don't know any cuz you sold me

37:24

off you gotta get some you're gonna get me a new

37:26

one from Nashville like you promised on the wheel I'll get you

37:28

the ass cowboy boots pants cowboy tops I know

37:35

what I'm going dress like something oh here

37:37

we go for the first one is it

37:39

really good are you three different outfits oh

37:41

no how will people know which photos

37:45

are from which event my

37:52

outfit this is August

37:54

this September this is more

37:56

summary one blacksmith me is that right yeah

38:01

What's round this neck? Is that some kind of like, like

38:03

a necktie? Erm,

38:06

I've got a erm... I'm so excited. I've got a... No

38:09

no no! Where's your... Erm, moving my phone.

38:11

Luke says... Where's your... For

38:14

your lids. Erm... Why does

38:16

that bother me so much? Morning lids! Wag wag

38:18

and all that shite! I have

38:20

been working my way through the podcast and I'm now

38:22

up to episode 204. How

38:25

many have we done? This is

38:27

278. Oh nice, he's about... It's

38:29

only 7 before we see him. Year and a half

38:31

behind. Year and a year and a year and a

38:33

year and a year. Adam is still talking about the

38:36

girl with no arsehole and no one believes him. She

38:38

come off recently? I can... A conversation

38:40

with someone else? I can go one better. I was born without

38:42

a urethra. Without

38:44

a pisshole in my dick. Franklin. Has

38:47

there any urethra Franklin CDs? I was born

38:49

with no urethra Franklin CDs in my house.

38:52

I spent the first few years of my life... I

38:55

spent the first few years of my life with

38:57

tubes coming out of my stomach attached to my

39:00

bladder so I could piss in a bag until

39:02

the surgery corrected it. And now, due to

39:04

Crohn's disease, I have part of my bowel outside my stomach and

39:06

I shit in a bag. Well

39:08

Luke, thanks for sharing. Now, I

39:11

have a one in a million penis. My

39:13

pisshole is on the underside of my

39:15

dick. No I'm not saying. I'm just going to have to

39:17

say that again. My pisshole is on the underside of my

39:19

dick. They had to

39:21

fashion a urethra out of a vein and create

39:23

something that the piss could come out of. So

39:26

where you lads have a lovely hole on the

39:29

top, mine is underneath like a troll. My

39:31

penis was created. When I jizz, it shoots

39:33

downwards. No! When

39:36

I clasps? When I jizz, it shoots downwards. They're caught like

39:38

a tap? Thank goodness I jizz

39:40

in men as who knows what kind of creature downwards jizz

39:42

would create. Question

39:45

is, would you rather have a downward

39:47

penis hole or be born with no

39:49

arsehole? Love hugs and downward jizz from

39:51

Luke. Come

40:00

book it. Go, boy.

40:02

No, if he's on his back, it'll

40:04

just shoot directly up, won't it? Because

40:08

like the bottom of his dick would be like... Pointing off,

40:10

yeah. Or it might just

40:12

shoot like if he's got... If he's fully hard and

40:14

it's like just... His dick's completely pointing off. It might

40:17

just shoot up like his telly. But hang on, does

40:19

it not... So it doesn't go the willy and out

40:21

down. It just comes out at the bottom of his

40:23

pink. No, like the underside. It's like a pressure valve.

40:25

Yeah. You like from his hand though, like a top.

40:28

Yeah. I like that.

40:31

To be honest, Luke, you seem pretty cheery about

40:34

it. And I think being born

40:36

without an arsehole from what I've heard is...

40:38

Sounds pretty traumatic. And obviously you don't

40:40

get your privacy with it. That's a fact. But

40:43

I'd say downward penis doesn't sound too bad. And apparently

40:45

it's cracking for the move. It's

40:47

cracking for bumming. Yeah,

40:50

well... I suppose it is really good

40:52

for bumming, innit? Yeah, for the buck. Cracking

40:55

for bumming. Don't worry, kid. This is going to be great for bumming.

40:57

Let's hope you're gay. And you've

40:59

got half of his arsehole on the outside of his stomach.

41:01

What do you think? I mean, that's just Crohn's disease being

41:03

an absolute nightmare, isn't it? From everything I understand of Crohn's,

41:05

it's not fun. But

41:08

the downward-facing jizzle, I

41:11

think... I see these things do happen.

41:14

No, they fashioned him that. No,

41:16

that's right. And they fashioned the girl I

41:18

went to school with an arsehole. I

41:22

told you. She was born with just

41:24

a flap, like a back that became legs. She

41:27

had a bum. No? No cheese. She hasn't even

41:30

got bum peaks to sit down. Well, I don't know about

41:32

that. I was going to slide off every chair. I've never

41:34

seen her with her pants off. All I know is she

41:36

had an arsehole plumbed in. Her planker would. Once

41:38

again, welcome to the Tommy in it panel. This

41:41

has got Patreon energy written all over it. Because

41:43

you've come in with no guess. You feel like

41:45

his pizza. So for

41:47

those who are new to the podcast, I went

41:49

to school with a girl and I can't name

41:51

her because I'm sure she doesn't want this to

41:53

be publicised, but she was born with no bumhole,

41:56

right? And everyone knew. And then

41:58

she came in one day and she was like. I've

42:00

got a bum all now look look

42:03

she said look no they

42:05

used a brad all these

42:08

dope with the door and

42:10

that's pretty like I like

42:13

plumbed in essentially I'd

42:15

rather have I'd rather have a

42:17

bummer then not have on

42:19

no they're not down in the downward the valid car

42:23

I don't think it sounds too bad at all yeah

42:26

it doesn't sound like

42:28

it's even an inconvenience you'd get you

42:30

strict dead quiff well yeah

42:32

I suppose you would for

42:34

me Sam says lids oh I've got some

42:36

more question Sam

42:38

says lids if you were paired up

42:40

with a hundred random humans any age

42:42

from anywhere in the world etc and

42:45

if you beat them at one thing you

42:47

win a billion pounds what one thing are

42:49

you choosing so that's a hundred random humans

42:52

proper random children as well are we doing

42:54

random humans as it says so it could

42:56

be kids as well so

42:58

from anywhere in the world what are

43:01

you playing them at to win

43:03

a billion pounds Adam Roloh like

43:05

competition yeah nailed it you're

43:07

doing I just do Adam Roloh as well and hope

43:10

he's not there if there's a Libyan lad here and

43:12

you're in for a tricky afternoon but I

43:15

think I'd win that Charlie

43:17

Chaplin didn't though did he he entered one came

43:19

third he entered the Charlie Chaplin look like competition

43:22

finished third what I've

43:24

never heard so funny in

43:27

looking on the level and

43:30

what game what game could you

43:32

play a hundred random people snooker

43:35

no a hundred random people I would back myself

43:39

FIFA yeah yeah

43:41

it's good show yeah you

43:43

can all each you

43:46

know like there might be like three

43:48

people in that hundred if it's a genuine random

43:50

thing from across there might be three who

43:53

would be able to be able

43:55

to beat me if you're playing the numbers there's probably

43:57

gonna about be about 50 to 20 15

44:00

to 20 Chinese people. About

44:03

15 Chinese people? Yeah. On

44:06

average? There's gonna be about eight or nine Indians. And they

44:08

prefer badminton, so. Yeah. So. Something

44:11

badminton. You know? I

44:13

think darts might be something I go for. I'm not

44:15

even that good of it. Good it, but good. Oh

44:17

my God, today I can't speak. I don't, I just

44:20

don't think. As long as you've got no Dutch people

44:22

in there, you find. A Taiwanese child is

44:24

gonna beat me at darts. I don't think a Taiwanese child's

44:26

gonna beat me at darts. Well, you know, exactly. With

44:29

Raymond van Barlevalds sneaks in. That would

44:31

be a good one, David. That

44:33

would be a good one. Eh. That would

44:35

be a good one. I picked darts and he walks out

44:37

of your life, and I have to cut this. What

44:40

are the chances? How can you beat them now?

44:44

Might be good. Imagine if I was a professional

44:46

darts player. Imagine if I won the world championship.

44:49

I think that sometimes. You could just, like if I

44:51

took it up. Like, we put the board up, didn't

44:53

we, recently. If I was just an absolute phenom, I

44:55

could still play. I could turn pro at 43. You're

44:58

still in your darts, either. Yeah. I

45:00

think you'd always need darts, either. I don't think there's non

45:02

darts, either. You can't grow out of it. What's

45:05

your game of choice there, Carl? For

45:08

a billion pounds. He was a good child. What else

45:10

am I good at? I'm good at darts. Pool?

45:14

Really? Yeah, I think you fucked with

45:16

pool. I thought there's quite a big cross-section of children,

45:19

and they're not big enough for the table. I

45:22

think there is gonna be children,

45:24

but again, on average, there's

45:26

gonna be about 10, 15, 20 kids, isn't there? Make

45:29

it so it's just adults. Oh,

45:32

dear. Because there's nothing you're gonna be worried about

45:34

with kids, apart from like, maybe GCSE math, because

45:36

they're doing it now, and you forgot about it

45:38

if they're in that. Yeah. Spell and

45:40

test. English spell and test. Definitely losing to a

45:43

time when he's charged on that one. You're going for an English

45:45

spell and test? And I'm hoping that,

45:47

you know, people like Portuguese, people don't even know. You're

45:49

gonna do a spelling bee! Yeah. Statistically,

45:51

great option, because you're down to about,

45:53

what, 40% can speak English, maybe.

45:57

Filling with Frank here. Right, Finn.

46:00

uh the zooting up mate penalty shootout like

46:04

if you've got a take and save i'm

46:07

backing myself the

46:09

very rare take and save yeah this is new game

46:11

football's the world sport are you very very likely going

46:14

to come up against someone who's better at footballing you

46:18

yeah but penalty is chance isn't it

46:20

i reckon i back myself in goal

46:22

more than 100 random people based

46:24

on this like statistically what you've just said

46:27

is you think you're in the top one

46:29

percent of footballers on the planet because

46:33

you think yeah i'm gonna say that

46:35

why not does someone good have you yeah he's saying

46:37

imagine the amount of people there are in the world

46:39

you're not talking people who play football you're talking

46:41

about population of the world which is not that wild no

46:43

yeah i suppose so yeah that's what you

46:46

do and by saying you'd be anyone at any

46:48

of these yeah yeah hopefully you get like a

46:50

nana from Papua New Guinea all right don't forget

46:52

don't forget the lyrics pop edition oh

46:54

i want to do that yeah or

46:57

penalties or

46:59

both or combine them yeah i used to love that

47:01

show you know don't forget to look can we do

47:03

it that'd be a fucking great

47:05

like uh if

47:08

we did like a you should do that at your country event but

47:12

no one knows the song i think when people

47:14

get pissed and try and sing on a microphone

47:16

that is already don't forget the lyrics isn't it

47:18

we were we were testament to that the other

47:20

night was that Alfie Moon

47:22

yeah shame Richie shame Richie shame Richie

47:25

yeah Alfie Moon in there want to show

47:27

me don't me no damn they don't make them like

47:29

this anymore the only problem i used to have with

47:31

that program is there wasn't enough game time in the

47:33

game he was just chatting guys to show for them

47:35

every quiz show every quiz show just chat chat chat

47:38

okay to have a little go and then he'd be

47:40

like right so and it's the next round and he'd

47:42

go before that that's what's all you dog this

47:46

man's just have like a 15 minute chat and he'd

47:48

go right it's going for an ad break and then

47:50

we'll do one more song so what's the purest quiz

47:52

what do they look because there must be people who

47:55

love tv quizzes and stuff like master

47:57

university challenge oh is that that's straight

48:00

No, that's not the order because you have

48:02

to be stupid intelligence. What's the Victoria Corin

48:04

Mitchell one? Half-Act like Al I

48:27

know. What? An egghead

48:29

anymore is it? It's a Judith Kettle. I think he was.

48:33

He was an egghead for eight months and he just revealed

48:35

it in his autobiography and everyone was like, whoa,

48:37

whoa, hang on a minute. Is there

48:39

statute of limitations for murder? Everyone was

48:41

like, whoa. Google that. One minute. There's

48:44

no statute of limitations for murder in this country.

48:51

No, no. There we go. And

48:53

he did it in Amsterdam I think. I think he did it abroad.

48:56

Oh, well, that's fine. You can murder anyone. So did he get in

48:58

trouble? All true. What

49:00

happens in the dam stays in the dam. He

49:02

was not egghead. He went to

49:04

court. What happened? God,

49:08

he just lost his job. Oh, he was accused of sexual

49:10

assault in the same year. That's a bad year for CJ

49:12

there. It's actually, uh, it's

49:14

come up and what a terrible year.

49:18

I think he's just a bad guy. Yeah.

49:21

So, yeah, I guess. I guess. I

49:23

guess killed someone. Sorry. I'm

49:26

not against the feller off the chase shag's cousin. No,

49:28

no, no, no. You see how

49:31

much weight he's lost. Yeah. He's

49:33

the beast. Yeah. He's skinny

49:35

now. He's fucking shag's cousin. That's why he's

49:37

lost 10 stone. He's been putting cars on

49:39

his store. He left, right and center. Yeah.

49:42

No, 10 stone. What was he about 30 odd? He's a big man. He

49:45

was a big guy. He was the beast, innit? Yeah. Any

49:48

cousins that you fancy? Excuse me. Just yours?

49:51

Just yours? You've never met any of my cousins? I know. I've

49:54

never met any of my cousins. I know. I

49:56

can't say yours because I think dolly's lovely. I genuinely am not doing that banter. wonderful

50:00

woman. Shall we do things

50:02

I believed? Do it. Do

50:04

it. And if the new dad happens?

50:06

Someone from Eggheads murdered someone who wasn't Judith Keppel.

50:09

What? What did murder Judith Keppel? No, like, she didn't

50:11

do it. And if the new dad? Never trusted

50:14

her, you know? No. Shot on a barter. Yeah.

50:17

She looks like someone who, like, in like an ITV drama

50:19

would be in the first episode, is like, oh, I'm just

50:21

trying to get over the death of me husband and all

50:23

my dogs. She's Joanna, she's Joanna Lovely. And at the end

50:25

of it she killed all her dogs and used her husband's

50:27

body. Joanna Lovely? Yeah. That's a

50:29

good player. You've just got an irrational dislike

50:31

of that celebrity. Judith Keppel. She

50:34

was the first ever winner, wasn't she, of

50:36

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Lids, if

50:38

you've got any really out of nowhere dislikes

50:41

for celebrities, will you send them in to

50:43

[email protected]? Because I think there's more of these

50:45

than people realise. I just don't trust her.

50:47

Two dead ex-husbands. Judith

50:49

Keppel? Yeah. Been to what, twice? I'm on to

50:52

sort of near me. And she knew the queen.

50:54

Irrational celebrity beefs. We'll call it that. Irrational celebrity

50:56

beefs. Send them in to haveawardpod. I think there's

50:58

something to pull out here. I don't think it

51:00

is. I think it's the word Keppel. No,

51:03

it's a big stupid fucking old woman, Ed. A

51:05

big fucking Murder, She Wrote face. Joanna Lovely, Ed?

51:07

Murder, She Wrote. Yeah, she looks like, what's her

51:09

name? From Murder, She Wrote. Angela

51:12

Lansbury. She looks like an

51:14

evil Angela Lansbury. She

51:18

does though, you know what I mean? And she

51:20

always has mad jewellery on. She's always got like

51:22

big jewellery that it looks like she's collecting the

51:24

jewels of all her fellas. She's fed up of

51:26

dead people. Where's

51:29

his jewels? He's dead. But

51:32

who's stolen his jewels? I don't like

51:34

her. I don't trust her. [email protected]. Like genuinely,

51:36

obviously, we always like occasionally get like an

51:38

offer of like a celebrity for the pod

51:40

and we do pursue some of them and

51:42

try and get certain people on. I

51:45

don't think I'd want Judith Keppel in.

51:48

No. I think I'd be like, you know what? I

51:51

think she'd like, one of us would end up going missing

51:54

and she's probably so good at

51:56

it. Like she's obviously still getting away with it. She's still on

51:58

there, Ed. And a stand-up shit. So, not

52:00

into it. Mad. Judith Careful. Watch

52:02

out. I was coming for it. No, I'm

52:04

not coming for it at all. I want nothing to do with

52:07

it. Staying away, if anything. Yeah. He's

52:09

got to think about his jewels. When

52:12

are you buying jewels? I'd love it. I

52:15

hate jewellery. I love doesn't like jewellery. Famously. Proper like

52:17

fucking... Don't make it on me, George. Or

52:20

Judith Careful. Is that why you're later? Because you're here

52:23

to love jewellery. I just don't.

52:25

I have like, I'm talking about it right now.

52:27

It's bothering me. I've

52:31

held this in for years. And

52:34

it's time to finally talk about it. I... Honestly,

52:37

if you give me the choice to be in

52:39

a room with like Ted Bundy or Judith Careful,

52:41

I'm taking Ted every day of the week. And

52:43

you didn't wear jewellery. You only killed women as

52:45

well, you're fine. What?

52:48

What? Things we

52:51

believe. Finn. Nah, I never knew

52:53

that. You could be down the stairs with Jane, she'd just wink at

52:55

the butler and then you'd just be gone. I want to hear more

52:57

about this. You know what

52:59

I mean? Like, she'd be there and you'd

53:01

be like, oh, lovely veal. And she'd

53:03

be like, yeah, veal? Is it, yeah, that's actually

53:05

Jeff. And we killed last week. And

53:08

then she winks at the butler and then you'd fire her no

53:10

wings, just gone. You're the

53:12

veal next week. Yeah. Next

53:14

thing you know, Robbie Fowler's around there eating Adam Rowe's legs. Why

53:20

do these people keep having tea with Judith Careful?

53:23

Can't resist. That's her podcast. You think

53:25

Robbie Fowler can resist? Resist

53:27

tea with Judith Careful. You're mad. And

53:29

by the way, I'm not accusing of any of this. I'm

53:32

just saying I believe it. You

53:34

wouldn't be surprised if it happened.

53:36

No. If it come out she's being like

53:38

a serial killer. Like, she's responsible for

53:41

hundreds of unsolved cases. I'd be like,

53:43

told you. I just get a

53:45

smell with some people. Have you ever been

53:47

here? You smelled it. There's nothing wrong with me. You

53:49

smell after the telly. Hang

53:53

on. Judith Careful.

53:55

Do you even know who she is? I can't picture her.

53:57

She looks like Jod and Ollie. Look

54:00

at that! Ooh. Look

54:02

at that picture! I already googled it. Oh, I'm into her. Oh,

54:06

like a same age Theresa May. Right.

54:11

Tell me there's no secrets behind on his eyes, mate. Turn

54:14

that laptop to them. Why

54:16

have you picked the worst quality picture? Let's see.

54:20

Oh, mate! Oh! She's

54:22

seeing things there. What? Disgusting.

54:27

Should we just fucking pie things we believed? Because

54:29

apparently, dude, the couple just took over. Also,

54:32

they've gone weak anyway, so fucking. I

54:34

see some confession. Go

54:38

call. You can't call.

54:44

Um... Bert says, How

54:46

are we, lids? I've got a... Bert, we've got a listener called

54:49

Bert. How are we, lids? I've

54:51

got a confession for you. I'm an OG patron on

54:53

another patron account I had which got me tickets in

54:55

the front row of the Have A Word Thank You

54:57

show in Cains Brewery. At the end

54:59

of a boss show... That's not where

55:02

it was. It was?

55:04

Content? Yeah, it's not

55:06

Cains Brewery. It's a shipping container. Cains Brewery is

55:08

like... It's next to Cains Brewery. At

55:11

the end of a... You're an idiot. It's

55:13

been fun. At the

55:15

end of a boss show and an amazing night, E-chan

55:17

rocks up with ice cream and you guys are throwing

55:20

yourselves off the stage. Oh. Oh,

55:22

yeah. The last 20 minutes might

55:24

be up there for my favourite ever moments

55:26

of stage that I've had in four years. Stage that I've had

55:28

in 30 people. This is how drunk I

55:30

was when we were all doing that. It was a couple

55:32

of years of done it and I went, right, my go,

55:34

and you went to me, Dan, you

55:37

went Adam, you've got life at the Apollo in two

55:39

weeks' time, you don't want to like, factor

55:42

your shoulder or something, and I went... Yeah,

55:44

I know. And then just immediately ran into me

55:46

and said, You don't miss a chance to stage

55:48

that, I mean, opportunities do you get? Loads.

55:51

I'm just special. Teddy's

55:53

tonight. Could I... Could I fuck get to

55:55

the bar and I didn't want to miss the mayhem? The

55:58

stage door was just a fire door in... to the

56:00

alleyway outside I was sat right next to it.

56:02

The one and only Freddy Quinn had left four

56:04

beers on the wall and no one was looking.

56:07

I mind swept two of Freddy's tinnies for me

56:09

and my mate. Do I deserve

56:11

any germane penance or is it fuck Freddy

56:13

you can't drink anyway now done in my

56:15

favour. Cheers boys that's from Bert.

56:18

I think you should make this decision Dan being

56:21

that he's one of your boys. What one of

56:23

my mind sweeping boys. I think you've

56:25

done him a favour because he nearly fucking died

56:27

in an iron lung. Do you

56:30

not respect him as one of your fellow sweepers? Is

56:32

that a good move? Fire door, two

56:34

cans. Is that a regular move? Is

56:36

this four bevvies there? Would you be more likely

56:38

to swipe one of them or do you often

56:40

go off the single bevy? I take four beers.

56:42

I take the whole four beers. Mine's pretty quick.

56:44

He'd be in my basement. He

56:46

hasn't done enough there does he? Oh

56:49

yeah absolutely steal his credit card. Instead of bevying for the four.

56:52

That's not a famous

56:55

phrase. Steal his wallet. Just buy more beer

56:57

with it. That's real mind

56:59

sweeping. Credit card for him. Oh my

57:02

god. Can't speak today. You

57:04

need to have sex. Okay cool.

57:06

See you in a bit. No

57:08

you're fine. Don't worry about it Bert. Don't worry about it.

57:10

You might think of Freddy the next 10 minutes on his

57:12

life. You

57:14

might have. Yeah genuinely. And I also really bad

57:17

10 minutes. Freddy

57:19

might really value that. Maybe he's just trying to finish getting something

57:21

done just before he passes away. Maybe he's in the bank on

57:23

hold trying to get his card unfrotered so he can buy a

57:26

yacht for one of his friends. Also

57:28

by the way Freddy didn't pay for them fucking drinks.

57:30

He mind swept them from us. Although

57:32

he was a guest on the show. He was. Yeah yeah.

57:35

But he didn't pay for them so don't feel bad. No we

57:37

pay for them. But it would be a dickhead way to get

57:39

thrown out if a bouncer saw you in an alleyway and just

57:42

hoiled you out. You

57:44

took the risk and succeeded Bert.

57:47

Anonymous. Lids anonymous confession here.

57:49

I'm 28 and have been

57:52

with my girlfriend for four years. I'm doing a

57:54

PhD and due to maths for a bit of

57:56

extra income. Basically my confession is I kiss one

57:58

of the girls I'm due to. And

58:00

I really think there's something there with her. She's

58:02

doing her A levels, but she's 18 So

58:05

it's not like it's out of order do I deserve

58:07

a pedophile? How old is this

58:10

guy? You're a fucking pedophile? 28. She's

58:12

18. You're a pedophile? 10

58:15

years. He's not a pedophile. He's a pedophile.

58:17

He's in a bebefile, isn't he? He's a

58:19

pedophile He's not any of

58:21

those now. He's a power of abuse and pedophile.

58:23

She's 18. Yeah, he's a pedophile What

58:29

do you think he is? Oh he also puts I love Judith Kepel at

58:31

the end of the message It's

58:36

Is that a position of power? Yes. So

58:39

then he is breaking the law? It's illegal.

58:42

Yeah, he's breaking the law Yeah,

58:44

when you write in to us for these confessions, it's

58:47

not supposed to be that you've done something properly illegal

58:49

and really bad It's meant to be I did something

58:51

funny and what should I do to pay

58:53

back for this? Stop

58:55

kissing your students your big pedophile. We're gonna

58:57

forward this to the Metropolitan Police the

59:00

Metropolitan Wow Yeah

59:05

He lives in fucking Wigan. Yeah,

59:07

but they want to know don't kiss children quite

59:10

a blanket on Again, technically

59:13

it's not a child is it? No, but they

59:16

have a child adult relationship Don't because he's

59:18

a teacher is a part. It is a

59:20

position of trust power dynamic Like you know

59:22

any position of trust traffic ward can't go

59:24

kissing. What happens if she was tutoring him?

59:26

Can he kiss her then? What

59:29

if she was a feeling to turn? Yeah, you

59:31

can and what's he been tutored for at 28 by an 18 year old?

59:34

What she's really good at it. He's not he's been

59:36

held back a lot. Yeah Look

59:39

at you balding there. Is he allowed to kiss

59:41

her then? He

59:45

Sure What if she's

59:47

wearing a tennis outfit and she says a

59:49

fuck these numbers off the boring I

59:52

just see the shooter in this one. No,

59:54

she's the student. No, it's still wrong done.

59:56

What if she fine pedophilia? What if she

59:58

writes boobs on a calculator? upside down and

1:00:00

goes suck mine. I think it's still wrong.

1:00:03

He just ran pedophilia. It's

1:00:05

not pedophilia. It is pedophilia. Is this

1:00:07

where Stephen Hawking started? This

1:00:10

is where Stephen Hawking started. We

1:00:12

have all had a stroke. The one

1:00:14

on purpose. Yeah, don't be kissing

1:00:17

kids. Tell me any funs. Unless

1:00:20

you are kids, and then it's absolutely fine.

1:00:22

I saw some kid yesterday on Twitter, and

1:00:24

he said when he was 11, he Googled.

1:00:27

And he pawn hoped we'll have a 12-year-old.

1:00:30

Because he was 11, he thought it was OK. LAUGHTER

1:00:35

How pass by? He's

1:00:38

like, I'm going up in it, but it was

1:00:40

obviously... I like an older lady. A

1:00:42

year eight. Awful. What

1:00:45

is morally more accessible, though, at 11? Is

1:00:49

it right for him to be panning after milfs? Because

1:00:51

that is way out of his age range, innit? Making

1:00:55

the milfs pay the files as well. You

1:00:57

shouldn't be on porn until 11. You're going

1:01:00

to fucking razzle your noggin. I

1:01:03

was in fucking Hustler, mate. That must be so

1:01:05

common to help kids to be on porn, and

1:01:07

it's fucking awful, innit? If

1:01:09

I had the internet when I was 11, I would

1:01:11

have Googled. Like, panning, isn't there?

1:01:15

Mate, I'd be down with you. You did? No,

1:01:17

but I mean, now it's so easy. That is

1:01:19

a thorough argument, by the way. LAUGHTER Shit,

1:01:22

shut! You're 11! What?

1:01:26

Just add our fingers, too. In 2005? I

1:01:30

don't think it was, like, so easy. You got it in your

1:01:32

pocket, that's what I mean. Yeah, but you did have it at

1:01:35

home. You had a laptop or a

1:01:37

home computer, and you never once performed it, innit?

1:01:40

I don't think so, no. You're a fucking liar

1:01:42

and a fool. You did, and you did. It

1:01:45

must be so easy for kids to get the brains flat

1:01:47

now, just by awful shit. Do you think Stoffier

1:01:49

is clicking Yes, I am 18? That's

1:01:52

it. The internet's coming towards the end, innit?

1:01:56

That was like the... Have you heard about the

1:01:58

dead internet theory? Go on.

1:02:00

Do you know what dead internet theory is? I've never heard of

1:02:02

it. Dead internet theory is

1:02:04

that once there's more bots than

1:02:06

actual humans posting

1:02:09

and reacting and interacting and stuff, which

1:02:11

we are getting so close to,

1:02:13

and we're probably already there now, that

1:02:16

will become so overwhelming so

1:02:18

quickly. Because now, especially if

1:02:20

you go on Facebook, Facebook is a perfect example

1:02:22

of where the rest of the internet is headed,

1:02:24

because there's less actual humans using it than are

1:02:27

still using the likes of Instagram and stuff. If

1:02:29

you go on your Facebook and just have a scroll, eventually

1:02:32

you will get to an AI-generated

1:02:34

image that was posted by a

1:02:36

bot account. And it'll have

1:02:39

a million likes on it and

1:02:41

250,000 comments. And

1:02:43

all of the likes are from bots. And all of the

1:02:45

comments are from bots. And the image

1:02:47

was created by a bot. And it was

1:02:50

posted by a bot. And it's bots interacting

1:02:52

with bots. And once that is everywhere else,

1:02:55

you will go on your Instagram feed. And because

1:02:57

the way the

1:02:59

algorithm is worth, maybe they'll tweak them. The

1:03:01

internet eats itself. It eats itself,

1:03:04

because you'll go on Instagram. And the last

1:03:06

thing that you'll see is a bot poster

1:03:08

picture with loads of likes and

1:03:10

comments from bots, because the algorithm goes, oh,

1:03:13

this is a popular thing. We

1:03:15

should show this to a lot of people. Once there's

1:03:18

the infinite amount of bot accounts

1:03:20

that are doing this, you'll never see

1:03:23

my clips. You'll never see your clips.

1:03:27

And the internet dies. Well, Facebook's struggling, because people are

1:03:29

leaving it. So it

1:03:31

just leaves the bots. I feel like Twitter

1:03:33

is not as good. Twitter's gone worse. Twitter's

1:03:35

gone worse. Instagram still feels all right. But

1:03:39

I suppose that's the way it's going, isn't it? Wow.

1:03:42

Twitter's nearly gone. And there's no algorithm that can

1:03:44

be put in place to avoid

1:03:46

the bots. Well, they have to do constant

1:03:49

detection on bot accounts to

1:03:52

be like, oh, that's a bot account. And they'll close it or ban it

1:03:54

or shadow ban it or whatever. At

1:03:57

some point, the AI accounts and the AI

1:03:59

in general. will catch up

1:04:01

with the algorithms and be able to

1:04:04

know what the algorithm wants. Because you

1:04:06

got to remember, like if this is

1:04:08

humans posting, you're constantly trying to like

1:04:10

catch up with the algorithm because you can only post in your

1:04:12

account every so often. If

1:04:15

you're an AI software that wants to

1:04:17

get all the attention of a social

1:04:19

media platform like Instagram, you could create

1:04:22

a billion accounts in seconds and make

1:04:24

a billion posts that are all tweaked

1:04:26

in different ways, see which one does

1:04:28

the best, and then go, right,

1:04:30

that's what the algorithm wants, and then post

1:04:32

something similar to that on the one billion

1:04:34

accounts you've just created. So the algorithm gets

1:04:37

outrun, basically. It's whether

1:04:40

they can put AI in place that

1:04:42

is constantly changing the algorithm so that AI can't

1:04:44

catch up with it, and whether the other AI

1:04:46

can like outrun the algorithm.

1:04:49

It's so nerdy and it's fascinating.

1:04:51

And God knows what the future holds, because

1:04:54

the only reason for these bot accounts right

1:04:56

now to be actually

1:04:58

doing this is because they then

1:05:01

essentially try to monetize the accounts they create because

1:05:03

they get lots of followers, they get lots of

1:05:05

likes, and they can go, hey, look how many

1:05:07

interactions we're getting. But once the world doesn't care

1:05:09

about interactions because they know they're all faith, there'll

1:05:12

be no money in it, which might mean that they stop. Right.

1:05:16

Mental. Right. I just want to make

1:05:18

people laugh and twist. And what's the matter is, I haven't

1:05:20

read up on a single thing I've just said, but it

1:05:22

all sounds really feasible, doesn't it? I'm

1:05:24

reading it. You're right. You're

1:05:27

hitting all the points they are. I feel good

1:05:30

for like 65 year old women who are still

1:05:32

using Facebook going, I'm getting a lot of likes.

1:05:35

Well, I've just gone to like the photographs of

1:05:37

all women. All right. Okay. I

1:05:42

think it's what they want, you know, everyone's

1:05:44

not on here anymore. But these new

1:05:46

friends of mine that I follow. My

1:05:49

mum got that. Have you seen the scam

1:05:51

where it's your children? They've got a new

1:05:53

phone number. My mother didn't

1:05:55

die in Chirangmi. She didn't get done in Chirangmi. I've

1:05:57

Got a taxi and you've changed the number. It's like, it's a scam.

1:06:00

All right. Okay, I was gonna call. And.

1:06:02

They call it A I always gone, I've lost me phone

1:06:04

and I will you tons of Amy X amount of money

1:06:07

to him by an iphone. Police

1:06:09

are rarely, rarely rarely popular. Like

1:06:11

Easy Scavo Kinross. A.

1:06:15

Break. Show. Break.

1:06:18

Into. Have been no change our clothes as well. Yeah let's

1:06:20

all of a change. I feel warm. Enjoy!

1:06:22

Tony any the last week with some unit. I'm.

1:06:28

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1:06:30

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1:06:32

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1:07:32

Say. Oh. Well.

1:07:35

As a holiday I got. A

1:07:40

Flu. Virus has

1:07:43

since on as often as the while

1:07:45

yeah I could live on brand of

1:07:47

Oz Mr. Daniels Sloss. suddenly. A

1:07:50

seven minute voice known to Scotland

1:07:52

about a friend with mummies gotten

1:07:54

into standoff. Seven Minute Yeah. he

1:07:56

rambles last last stages. And.

1:08:00

getting ready to... anyway. How

1:08:02

you doing? Yeah man, I'm really good.

1:08:04

It's good to be here man. I listened to the Shane Gillis

1:08:06

episode on the way up here. That was very exciting. That was

1:08:08

a show. I was really like trying to spot the homeless man

1:08:10

in the suit on the way here. He's dead. Oh

1:08:13

yeah. Sadly, Pete has died. Oh what the fuck?

1:08:15

He died last year. Mate,

1:08:20

they've given him a plaque. He's got a plaque

1:08:22

on the floor where he's busked. Oh no. Yeah,

1:08:24

Pete's dead. Well this

1:08:26

is shit. Crack and start Tommy, I'm not going

1:08:28

to lie. I did see the one who you

1:08:30

walked past and he'd sort of compliment you and

1:08:33

I thought, oh yeah, I do feel

1:08:35

the guilt that I need to... The one

1:08:37

with no legs? I think it was out on the floor so

1:08:39

it was hard to... It

1:08:41

could be either way. No, the one with no legs

1:08:43

is always in a wheelchair. Yeah.

1:08:45

He's always in a wheelchair. you

1:08:48

get a drink or a ball of England with that? And I

1:08:50

went, that's almost an England. He's the mayor. That's not a homeless

1:08:52

man. Yeah. He's got the keys and

1:08:54

the... No, the

1:08:56

guy... I remember when we

1:08:58

were talking about it on the podcast, the guy who compliments

1:09:01

you all the time. Yeah. He... I've

1:09:04

seen him go through all the stages of having

1:09:06

legs because he had to... There's

1:09:08

only one stage and then you have to

1:09:10

go on. No, no, no, because he had

1:09:12

one for a bit. Like genuinely he did.

1:09:15

He's the one who sits outside Central Station. He

1:09:17

was outside... He never asks you to buy the

1:09:19

big issue. He never like asks you for money.

1:09:22

All he said, he just goes, thank you. Have a nice day, mate. Thank

1:09:24

you. You look lovely there, girl. Have a nice

1:09:26

day. Thank you. That's all he does. He didn't

1:09:29

say that. Like Troy Hawk. I didn't see him.

1:09:31

That's probably not him. What? Like Troy Hawk.

1:09:33

Yeah. He blames the students in the

1:09:35

East of Busk. Because

1:09:37

he did the drugs, didn't he? Oh,

1:09:39

no. He used to... I listened to the stories. Oh, there

1:09:41

you go. He used to ask them for money and because

1:09:43

they gave him money, he took drugs and lost his legs.

1:09:45

He blames the students. And this is what I was thinking

1:09:47

when I was watching the podcast episode. What

1:09:52

drugs do you do? From

1:09:55

doing drugs to losing your leg. What's

1:09:57

the middle bit? Yeah. What are

1:09:59

the... What's. The like losing all

1:10:01

right, all of the drugs. So I think

1:10:03

it's when I hadn't hadn't business. I was

1:10:06

my namesake. So many drugs or substances thought

1:10:08

A you could give you body stops, function

1:10:10

properly and like blows up and Zambezi can

1:10:13

cause blood clots will cost them a huge

1:10:15

likes diary entry. A Diving is yeah Amazon

1:10:17

has tests on fantastic yes an uncle that

1:10:19

all day about a really hard line. If

1:10:22

you do drugs your legs will drop out.

1:10:25

Cause you can't just have to do

1:10:28

bay his I operate eventually. Yeah, you

1:10:30

will. What? If the wall

1:10:32

a drugs eight month old books and together Ah

1:10:34

yes and no one's ever been so many suits

1:10:36

that are like develop. Feel.

1:10:38

Like I'm backing you mind if I don't. How's

1:10:41

your shagging this episode which is what to enough?

1:10:43

years old Now just about some two years old

1:10:45

on the still there in the same shit. Or

1:10:50

you can either be like right now

1:10:52

we know order to sell his mental

1:10:54

and as well he silver like com

1:10:57

like really accurately predicted jag pulls like.

1:10:59

Boxing. Rise still rely on man I

1:11:01

hope he box is Nate Diaz or minus

1:11:03

as I boxes a real boxer and you

1:11:05

don't mention a. Muslim. With the

1:11:07

list. Is it

1:11:09

the I thought Mike Tyson? I'll might I? I

1:11:11

imagine the be yet another. Not that yeah no

1:11:14

I'm like I mean with the list does not

1:11:16

mean my problem And Mike Tyson? yeah, rally doing

1:11:18

that by just thought well. as.com

1:11:20

got wow how I felt like right thing

1:11:22

that I think we also talked about one

1:11:24

of these guys find a polar bear and

1:11:26

that is where I'd like to and. That.

1:11:28

Would be great to know have eve number

1:11:31

com and off a you so points by

1:11:33

as added ever they were is nice to

1:11:35

meet those bags were I hear yourself homicidal

1:11:37

girls like scrapped the scruff I'm a baby

1:11:39

they listen. Add back.

1:11:42

Know a big one for this all of the

1:11:44

you tube or this is the boxer. I'm

1:11:46

into that fight. I'm I'm in. So

1:11:48

Tyson versus one is whole. Know why

1:11:50

on the other high want to see

1:11:52

it? Will. now yeah like wow that's

1:11:54

a six whoever wins it's effects at home

1:11:56

got guide off as a young boy as

1:11:58

shivraj singh you've said in four years on

1:12:01

this show. What? Whatever way round

1:12:03

it's a fix. None of it's real, is it? It's

1:12:05

all an exhibition. It's not a real fight.

1:12:07

No, it's a profile. No matter who wins, you'll be, you'll

1:12:09

fit. No, what I mean is the whole fight isn't real.

1:12:11

I don't care who wins. I'm like, oh, Mike Tyson won

1:12:13

that. It's all not real. It's a lose-lose for Jake Paul.

1:12:16

I think it's all. But if he loses to Mike Tyson.

1:12:18

Do you think it's totally rigged, even the punches? Like to

1:12:20

the point when they're doing it. No, it's not rehearsed. Right.

1:12:23

So how would you mean like wrestling, like there's points

1:12:26

they have to hit? I don't think one of us getting

1:12:28

knocked out of goal. And

1:12:30

I don't think it's not real. It's an ex. Well,

1:12:32

they've got me. I mean, I want to see

1:12:35

Tyson absolutely fucking level him. But like if he

1:12:37

does that, then it looks bad on Jake Paul.

1:12:39

Cause like you've just been beaten by an old

1:12:41

man and like it's just, what are

1:12:43

you doing? And then if he beats Mike Tyson, it's like, what are

1:12:45

you doing to that old man? That

1:12:48

is a lose-lose. It really is a

1:12:50

lose-lose. It seems that fucking Paul about alone. They're in

1:12:52

danger. You talking about being fixed. I think it is.

1:12:54

Like if you watch a lot of Jake Paul's fights,

1:12:57

like this is me being with me, like conspiracy Tim for

1:12:59

a lot on. There's loads of like a

1:13:01

part of moments where like twist, like he'll like do

1:13:03

that with his hand. And then the next punches the

1:13:05

one that he wins with. And it's like, he's going

1:13:07

to the fella and pulse punch in the face.

1:13:10

I beat up an old man to be on Netflix. I don't

1:13:13

think that is, I think it's a bit of a win for

1:13:15

him. I might have to with the amount of money I've just

1:13:17

spent filming my special. It's

1:13:20

live on Netflix. It's one of their like, it's

1:13:23

like the roast of Tom Brady. It's going to

1:13:25

be stream live. Or everybody's in LA with

1:13:27

John Mulaney. Anyone

1:13:30

else like John Mulaney? I love John Mulaney. Me too.

1:13:32

Was he doing a daily? He did a daily

1:13:34

like it was fucking awesome. It was like a

1:13:36

podcast early, wasn't it? Like a weird. Chat showy

1:13:38

podcast live. Fucking awesome. And everyone kept taking the

1:13:40

piss out of him for growing hair like this.

1:13:42

He's gone kitting, Lenny. Oh, but he looks great.

1:13:44

He looks phenomenal. Okay. He's great,

1:13:47

really good. No, I know. Tell me

1:13:49

where you're at with that. You're getting

1:13:51

to the top. If he grows any

1:13:53

more hair, he's going to be giving compliments at a

1:13:55

central station. Yeah. Well,

1:13:58

that was bold. And he looks

1:14:01

more like you. Yeah, have you been offered that got

1:14:03

down Tommy

1:14:05

I have yeah who Who

1:14:07

you want I? Don't

1:14:10

want come on do a call and

1:14:12

I'd say this have you seen me

1:14:14

so Yeah, I've

1:14:16

got weight. They've got weight rankings for see all

1:14:18

right And also you look at you get in

1:14:20

the gym call as a former like a comedy.

1:14:22

I don't want to punch Lennox

1:14:24

Lewis yeah, call him out Lennox

1:14:28

is shit dead small the creator clash

1:14:30

people they messaged me. I thought No,

1:14:36

I'm really not I've never been in a single fight

1:14:40

Because I just look like I'd be getting beat up A

1:14:43

few times over the years and we've had a few people in there

1:14:45

just like I've never been in fights I'm never in a fight. I

1:14:48

know yeah, and I'm like apparently I have cuz I

1:14:50

put someone you still call that fight Yeah,

1:14:53

no, I think they have to throw a punch back for it

1:14:55

to be a fight. Oh, yeah So

1:14:58

I don't know we've got we've got I've

1:15:00

just got a job. Oh, right. So

1:15:03

Ben Askren didn't fight But

1:15:08

it was a fight yeah, I know yeah Never

1:15:11

you've never thrown a punch. I've been

1:15:13

punched. Oh, I've been

1:15:15

bullied No, I've

1:15:18

never my call was it called Oh,

1:15:23

all right, we just do it. We just do a name

1:15:25

reminders because it has been meeting a lot of white guys

1:15:27

today and it's just Really

1:15:30

nice, but he refused to make a black ones

1:15:34

It's not true This

1:15:40

car Fin

1:15:45

the fintan in the fintan this is

1:15:47

Adam not homeless row Adam and I'm

1:15:49

done So what you've done there is around

1:15:51

the same thing you've had a whole extra thing. Yeah, just I'm

1:15:53

giving you a lady Yeah memory clue tall thin

1:15:55

Dan Yeah, yeah, Adam. Sorry. Oh

1:16:00

Sorry, I I

1:16:02

wouldn't mind doing boxing again if me shoulder

1:16:04

wasn't bad. Have you done boxing? Yeah Yeah,

1:16:08

school every day the college but also when I was

1:16:10

a kid I was fighting every you know every couple

1:16:12

of days Really? Yeah,

1:16:14

I genuinely prize Like

1:16:18

genuinely when I was a kid I we had loads of fights Pull

1:16:23

of days also we couldn't all

1:16:25

right. Okay. That's every couple of days I

1:16:30

said to you a couple of days ago. You don't think I meant two

1:16:33

days ago Monday I said a couple of days

1:16:35

ago. I said to you I did

1:16:37

toxic a couple of days ago. You wouldn't go

1:16:39

no You didn't that was Sunday. So we're talking

1:16:41

60-70 fights a year potentially. Yeah Wow,

1:16:45

haven't you fight what you record watch

1:16:47

about any recorders and Tom

1:16:52

Simpson one against Adam you've got to go

1:16:54

quicker with the number of fights you've done

1:16:56

now. These are losses. Oh I

1:17:00

don't know it is crazy to count them like

1:17:02

I've got a pretty fucking solid record I

1:17:05

think I'm two losses and two and

1:17:08

like couple of hundred wins Why

1:17:11

no about him? He could be bleeding in a good going.

1:17:13

Yeah, I've got a few good punches in there. Yeah walk

1:17:15

away You'd never never

1:17:17

accept the law Adam. You've gone blind. No, I haven't

1:17:20

don't worry I suppose all Australia's

1:17:22

if that comes So

1:17:24

she didn't fight Yeah.

1:17:26

Yeah, so three losses couple of underbends. I can

1:17:28

understand the instinct of not wanting to fight Do

1:17:30

you got did you get offered a youtuber? Was

1:17:33

that I was like, do you sort of want

1:17:35

to get into the office? The first ten to

1:17:37

ten I have mates that are for that are

1:17:39

like scrawny Little dickhead like me

1:17:41

and then I've got involved and I'm just like I don't

1:17:43

know why you would do that I

1:17:45

think there's money in it, but it's not the adrenaline

1:17:47

as well Surely it's a big bosun just do drugs

1:17:50

that point wouldn't you to get the adrenaline? What's his

1:17:52

face? I lose a leg, but I'll be fucking you

1:17:54

try to be him then have a box of much.

1:17:56

Yeah You

1:17:59

never had dreams Are you getting like fucking jacked? No.

1:18:02

Hahaha. Go on

1:18:04

you mate. No, I'm not. I go to the gym

1:18:07

but I'm more of a sort of

1:18:09

do it so you have a better day. Kind of like

1:18:11

I just end the machine on myself. It never clicked in

1:18:13

my head. Yeah. What you doing in the gym? What's

1:18:16

your favorite move? My favorite move, I love

1:18:18

the chest press. Oh. That's

1:18:20

me. You get to about here and then you go, I'm a

1:18:22

god and you keep pushing and you do it. Just what was

1:18:25

it, weight down? You can do one rep. One

1:18:28

rep? Hahaha. You're

1:18:30

having a whole lot of fun. I have one rep and then I go home

1:18:32

and that's my favorite bit. Do you have someone helping you with that though? Cause

1:18:34

I've got a little bit of anxiety about the chest

1:18:37

one. You meant like the actual free bar? No, I'm not the

1:18:39

free bar. I don't want to get caught under it. Yeah, no,

1:18:41

no. You need to get a spotter then. You need to ask

1:18:43

someone in the gym. I regularly get asked.

1:18:46

I don't do the bench and watch myself but I'm meant to go, lovely

1:18:48

spot me. It means stand behind me and make sure I

1:18:50

don't kill myself. No one's ever asked me to spot. Oh, I get

1:18:52

asked all the time. Whenever I'm in the gym, everyone just assumes I

1:18:54

own it all the way through. I'm

1:18:58

not me either. He owns it. Have

1:19:01

you ever spotted someone? Is he John Lloyd? You need to

1:19:03

get someone to make sure you don't drop on your neck

1:19:05

and kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand that. I'd

1:19:07

rather not do that. I was thinking that. Is this John

1:19:09

Lloyd? David Lloyd. I meant David

1:19:12

Lloyd. I meant David Lloyd. Ah,

1:19:15

God. There's Peter Lloyd. I'm

1:19:17

David Lloyd. I don't know John Lloyd. Did

1:19:20

you have a... Hang on, we'll cut it

1:19:22

out. It'll definitely get cut out. Come

1:19:24

on. David Lloyd. Nailed it. I

1:19:29

can't handle the social interaction of asking

1:19:31

someone to spot me. Why? No,

1:19:34

just everyone just wants to be left alone. You don't want

1:19:36

to chat to people in the gym, do you? It's just...

1:19:39

Hi, mate. We just told this for me a lot, yeah?

1:19:41

And then you fucking... No, but if some... Put your balls

1:19:43

in my head. If we're being serious, if I was in

1:19:46

the gym, just like pumping the iron, getting stuff done, and

1:19:48

someone was like, take a break from that to come and watch me

1:19:50

do it, I'd be like, no, ask your mum. She's

1:19:53

over there. No. You need to talk to

1:19:56

her more. Not working out, definitely. I

1:20:00

actually am not in my business though is it? That's John Lee.

1:20:02

So why are you ruining my day? I've got 45 minutes, I've

1:20:04

got a 45 minute wait, how to do?

1:20:06

And then I've got to go on and get on with running

1:20:08

me life, you know what I mean? I can't be watching you

1:20:10

fucking pump this shite all day. So different

1:20:13

reasons, same outcome. Adam just doesn't want

1:20:15

to help people. I can't be arsed

1:20:18

with the... Excuse me. I

1:20:20

resent that. I help people all the time. No, you've literally just

1:20:22

said the reason you don't want to do it is because you

1:20:24

can't be arsed helping someone. No, it's not that. It's that I'm

1:20:26

busy doing my own thing at the time. If

1:20:29

I was in mine and you were like come to

1:20:31

Jim and spot me and I wasn't doing anything, I'd absolutely

1:20:33

go and help him. What the

1:20:35

fuck made up Will and Matt?

1:20:37

Adam come round, yeah, right round to

1:20:39

my Jim, John Lloyd. And

1:20:43

come and spot me, you'd be like yeah, I'll be there,

1:20:45

yeah, I'm doing nothing. No, you

1:20:47

wouldn't. If I wasn't busy, I'd

1:20:49

get out, but if I'm a bit like 45, they

1:20:51

wouldn't be a fucking two dumbbell guy. It's strangers as

1:20:53

well. You're on a spot, giving me jumping jacks and

1:20:56

stuff, and you're like come and spot me, I'd be

1:20:58

like I'm a bit fucking busy, Daniel. I

1:21:00

told Joe what I was wondering when he asked me to spot them, I'd

1:21:03

go I wouldn't be able to grab this lad. We're

1:21:05

both fucked. If you drop this,

1:21:07

you're dead. I pretend. I'm

1:21:10

not going to be able to lift it up. Some of them

1:21:12

are big guys. No, you'd be able to do that

1:21:14

with it, whatever you could chest, whatever they could chest

1:21:16

press. If you're working together

1:21:18

on it and you're like pulling it and he's... If

1:21:21

it falls on the neck, he says no. I'll have to run

1:21:23

and get someone bad that he's choked. If it's just like 10

1:21:25

kilograms on each side. Like

1:21:28

what if he's like, you know... Oh, I'll do that. I'll do

1:21:30

four of them. But I'm always worried that the big guys ask

1:21:32

me what they never do. Well,

1:21:35

the big guys probably have to ask another big guy,

1:21:37

don't they? That's what I mean, yeah. Yeah. Like

1:21:40

me. Yeah. Big

1:21:42

guys go for like Tommy, you know what I mean?

1:21:44

Yeah, sorry man. Hello man, how are you? I know,

1:21:46

I know, they're really... You've got a good frame now.

1:21:49

Thank you. You know what I mean? You could really build on

1:21:51

that. Wow. Wow,

1:21:54

you've really boosted my esteem man. Talking

1:21:56

with authority never stops working out. He's always in the gym.

1:22:01

in the shadow box in this week in the sauna

1:22:05

oh my god they took it down though didn't they? and

1:22:08

they taken down the shadow box i hate

1:22:10

the punch bag in the gym i

1:22:12

think it's of not use the spot well they've

1:22:14

taken ours down it's one

1:22:16

of the most beautiful things i've ever seen because of you

1:22:20

it like attracts pricks who's

1:22:22

going into the gym to fucking hit a bag all

1:22:24

these beta males can't handle an

1:22:26

alpha just working out they all

1:22:29

look like absolute murderers they've taken it

1:22:31

down i hope you're, listen

1:22:33

the manager of Total Fitness is jester good

1:22:35

on you i

1:22:37

hope you're watching i hope it's not just it

1:22:39

got fucking ripped or something it'd be

1:22:42

great you know you said you

1:22:44

had invited an approach that's

1:22:46

because you're a content creator this

1:22:48

is a content creators boxing thing

1:22:51

yeah yeah and you've been creating

1:22:53

content, how long you know? and

1:22:55

you started when you were 9 is that right? fuck more

1:22:58

like sort of 13

1:23:01

got properly into it yeah 13, 14 but

1:23:03

we had a bit of research i had you

1:23:05

sort of looked into our guests and stuff said

1:23:07

you originally started a youtube channel and then people

1:23:09

from school found out about it oh yeah yeah

1:23:11

yeah and then you took that down was that

1:23:13

younger than 13? pardon? was that younger than 13?

1:23:15

that was, what was year 7? that

1:23:18

was year 6 and year 7 11

1:23:20

and 12 and then i took a break and then

1:23:23

14 i started like sort of back end of being 14 why

1:23:26

was it, what made you, what

1:23:28

happened to school where i started

1:23:30

that channel i was channel nut pig and

1:23:32

i managed to get about 200 subscribers what was

1:23:34

your name? channel nut pig channel nut pig

1:23:36

because did i call you mum

1:23:39

by the way? that's what i

1:23:41

call his mum because she's a pig and i ain't

1:23:43

nutting her there

1:23:45

you go can you do a mask on that one? do

1:23:48

you know what it means? do you know what it means?

1:23:50

johnny in your hand though i would do you know what

1:23:52

it means yeah yeah yeah this is the line

1:23:54

you want it was nothing to do with

1:23:56

coming in anyone's mother at the time it was well

1:23:59

that will be now forever. But yeah so I

1:24:01

sort of was like oh this

1:24:03

is this is sick yeah this is local

1:24:07

and so I started like telling people at school I was

1:24:09

like no I'm channeling up

1:24:11

big and I was showing them my

1:24:13

channel and at one point in English class in year

1:24:15

seven you know in year seven before like you have

1:24:17

a concept of that people can start people

1:24:20

aren't like fucking assholes to you yet. Yeah they don't want

1:24:22

it to me so I was like everyone's awesome and everyone's

1:24:24

gonna be really nice about this so I

1:24:26

started like telling people and then in English I

1:24:28

was like oh yeah let's watch one

1:24:30

let's watch one this would be great and this is

1:24:32

now like any other year you go

1:24:34

no everyone's like oh cool and then it got

1:24:36

round school people started going you got a

1:24:38

channel not pig? I went hang up this is the

1:24:40

worst part they they I was I was

1:24:42

in Nottingham so they missed they couldn't pronounce channel so

1:24:45

they went oh you're right Chanel not pig not

1:24:47

the perfume Chanel not pig the

1:24:50

new fragrance Chanel not pig Chanel

1:24:55

number five and also not pig yeah

1:24:57

you're right Chanel and I was like

1:25:00

oh no I don't like this because I thought at

1:25:02

first they were saying it with a nice tone and

1:25:04

then it gradually became clear I was in yeah I

1:25:06

was in like top-set everything but third set maths when

1:25:08

I was in the third set maths that's when I

1:25:10

was like oh no hang on this

1:25:12

Chanel not pig thing isn't actually that cool

1:25:14

which I know is sort of shocking to say

1:25:16

to you guys but at the time it was

1:25:19

like oh no so I wasn't no one else

1:25:21

for the YouTube channel were you the only kid

1:25:23

out there with the I mean everyone else what

1:25:26

like wasn't an only child and knew about

1:25:28

bullying and was like well let's not tell

1:25:30

everyone about this thing that

1:25:33

I'm excited about I think it's so funny that

1:25:35

in your school the bit of Chanel not pig

1:25:37

that your bullies picked up on was Chanel and

1:25:39

not not pig you know

1:25:41

what I've just done to him would if that

1:25:44

was any year seven in our school yeah then

1:25:46

they'd have been your Mars and not pig it

1:25:48

was a five year not pig it was year

1:25:50

seven so no one was like wanking it's like

1:25:52

just before people got all hormonal and shit I

1:25:54

bet it was a year later Yeah,

1:26:00

easy. Yeah? I thought that not

1:26:02

pigging everywhere. Yeah. There was

1:26:05

a not pig around every corner in the

1:26:07

whole. Some of the memories from you were

1:26:10

like, you got me for the not pigging.

1:26:12

Primary school. We're all shagging and fighting. Yeah,

1:26:14

I stopped. And then also, I made, before

1:26:16

I made my YouTube channel, TommyInnit, I made

1:26:18

my personal Instagram for school and Snapchat TommyInnit.

1:26:20

Because I was like, that's just a sick

1:26:22

name, innit? TommyInnit instead of TomSimons. And

1:26:24

then people started making fun of me for that. But

1:26:27

then I changed my name. You're

1:26:30

stupid, too, there, now. Yeah. Yeah.

1:26:32

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:26:35

Yeah. What I've learned is I shouldn't

1:26:37

be naming things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:26:39

Yeah. Yeah. I gave myself nicknames

1:26:41

in school. It never goes well. Yeah. You don't

1:26:43

need to call me Rowie. Yeah. Porky. Yeah. Porky.

1:26:46

Yeah. Yeah. Should have power balladallen. Calm down.

1:26:48

Yeah. It's fucking worked out. But it's the

1:26:50

thing. I really, so a few, I then

1:26:52

was like, OK, I shouldn't be TommyInnit. So

1:26:54

I made my name like what you see

1:26:56

was like Tom.14 underscore. However

1:26:59

old you were, there was some weird, like everyone had

1:27:01

the cool. Do you guys remember the cool Instagram names,

1:27:03

handles? No. You're all

1:27:06

much older than me. He is over twice your age. Yeah.

1:27:09

Dan started his Instagram after

1:27:12

this podcast started. Really?

1:27:15

And that's all right, though. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's

1:27:17

all right, man. And that's all right. How are you feeling

1:27:19

about that? My space is going really well. So

1:27:21

you can all fuck off. Fucking hell. But

1:27:24

yeah, I really liked the name TommyInnit. I was like,

1:27:26

no, I'm not. I can't lose this to these frauds.

1:27:28

This is a sick name. So I made all my

1:27:30

new accounts. And then I went through and I blocked

1:27:32

everyone from my school. It took like a whole evening

1:27:35

on my TommyInnit account, so they never find it. That's

1:27:37

a low point. Yeah, it really was.

1:27:40

Year 10, sat alone in my bedroom,

1:27:42

blocking everyone. Like, yeah. If one day I'm

1:27:44

going to change the world. Fuck

1:27:46

him. That's a good move. And I'm a subscriber. She have

1:27:49

no? 14

1:27:51

million. Yeah, I think it was a good choice, wasn't

1:27:53

it? And two world records. I do have two world

1:27:55

records. You have two world records? Two world records. Guinness

1:27:57

Book. Guinness Book, everything. I

1:28:00

had sorry just one sec really want to hear you Everyone's

1:28:08

got world records, but they got That's

1:28:13

so funny what else could be is there another

1:28:15

there's another one no How

1:28:17

much they are to get done? I'm like a tenner Not

1:28:20

even well someone else did it for

1:28:23

their video. Well. I'm doing this video I get

1:28:25

youtubers world records. Do you want to know was

1:28:27

like? Why are you even fucking asking

1:28:29

me of course? I want to worry record You

1:28:31

just went a lot you went it was

1:28:33

it was one was for I had like

1:28:35

the most popular Twitch stream

1:28:37

light of all time for like six months,

1:28:39

and then I had Most

1:28:42

followed Minecraft account on Twitch. Oh Wow,

1:28:45

I want to I want to wear a hood and here I

1:28:47

am to my own horn about Guinness book. It's class

1:28:50

I Want

1:28:53

a Guinness based Guinness book world record

1:28:55

nice here. We go. They're definitely

1:28:57

turning up to I see I got tagged loads a

1:28:59

couple of weeks ago in I Don't

1:29:01

know whether it's been broken since but apparently there's a fella in like

1:29:03

the 80s or the 70s or the 40s or something I

1:29:06

mean you start Human history, I mean

1:29:09

yeah, I think it was Was

1:29:11

a 21 21 pints

1:29:13

of Guinness in one sitting and I'm telling you for

1:29:16

a fact I'll make them look like

1:29:18

an absolute fucking knob it yeah, I'll

1:29:20

blitz 21 fear history

1:29:22

of alcoholism in the family It's

1:29:25

a bold one to go for in it. Hang

1:29:27

on. We in one sitting you're not allowed to

1:29:29

move to plop. Oh I

1:29:32

thought it was just like in one night I

1:29:35

mean, I mean are they going hardline as in

1:29:38

in one sitting as in like by you can't

1:29:40

stand up You can't stand up you do it

1:29:42

on the bug Oh It's

1:29:45

a poor cunt from the Guinness Book of World Record Oh God

1:29:51

Someone with IBS is doing this world record

1:29:53

Phenomenal like if is

1:29:55

that a loophole in that code would

1:29:58

I be able to get the world record even a moment? I

1:30:00

only won it once, someone else can go and break

1:30:02

it. It's a title with an asterisk. It's a poop-op.

1:30:04

I'm afraid it's one of them. Oh, shit. There's a

1:30:06

real short copy of that. Guinness will record the most

1:30:08

Guinness drank in one sitting on a Japanese toilet. Yeah?

1:30:11

Yeah. Can you make your own ones? Yeah?

1:30:14

Like, things have to be verified by Guinness. Oh,

1:30:16

that's because you, like, I'm the first person to

1:30:18

put this three times. I mean. No,

1:30:21

but you're not. Yeah, I don't think anyone's given you a certificate for that. Yeah,

1:30:23

but I can beat that. I took

1:30:25

it here. Oh, it's Finn's record now. Can

1:30:28

you make it older that they have to go, this is

1:30:30

it? Can you break it? Or do you do? You can

1:30:32

go, I don't think anyone's ever done this before. Come and

1:30:34

watch me do it. And then if they can be arsed,

1:30:37

they'll come and watch it. But it costs you a tenner.

1:30:39

But they decide what is worthy of the world record. I

1:30:41

reckon it's shit that they're like, oh, yeah, this will be

1:30:43

cool to have in that book. Because they

1:30:45

probably would think, yeah, you can touch that. But

1:30:48

who cares? Are you in the book? I'm

1:30:50

not as well. That's the worst part. I thought they put me in the book, and

1:30:52

they didn't. Oh. I know. I know. I bought

1:30:54

the book and everything in Waterstones, and I was flicking through

1:30:56

the pages. Oh, hang on.

1:30:59

That's mad, because I am in the book. I'm in the

1:31:01

book for winning Best Joke of the Finch. Oh, yeah. That

1:31:03

goes in the Guinness World Records for some reason. But

1:31:06

for that year, every year?

1:31:08

Every year, like, they just had to. Every

1:31:10

year, I'm in the last, like, fucking seven

1:31:12

or something. Oh, it's all a conspiracy, you

1:31:14

know, boxing and road records. It all goes

1:31:16

to the top. Yeah. Big

1:31:19

Guinness, innit? Yeah. Yeah, I want a Guinness-based

1:31:21

Guinness World Record. That's my new New

1:31:23

Year's resolution. Most G's split. This is his

1:31:25

new Paris marathon, and this one, I think,

1:31:27

he's fucking doing. What are you going to try

1:31:30

and do? Well, we said we wanted to do

1:31:32

the longest podcast record ever, didn't we? Yeah. We

1:31:35

talked about it. What is the longest one? Well,

1:31:37

there sort of isn't one. It's

1:31:39

our episode with Dane Baptiste. Oh. Oh. Oh.

1:31:41

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

1:31:44

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

1:31:46

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

1:31:48

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

1:31:51

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

1:31:53

Oh. Oh. Oh. Um,

1:31:56

well, I think it's a long stream, isn't

1:31:58

it? I think that. I don't think

1:32:00

they specify in the, in the, we check.

1:32:02

Surely that's a long time. Oh mate, oh

1:32:05

you're gonna love this. My mate, who's a

1:32:07

streamer, just streamed his life, Truman Show style,

1:32:09

so even when he sleeps, never turned off

1:32:11

the camera, for 62 days. Wow.

1:32:14

I'm not even taking the piss. Who's the- How

1:32:17

old is he? Did he wonk? Well

1:32:21

he would go for a shower and I

1:32:23

kept going, well surely that's when you would. So

1:32:25

he wasn't, you couldn't see him in the

1:32:27

shower? No. So and then at

1:32:29

that point, the world record people are gonna get involved

1:32:31

and go, hang on, I can't see you in the

1:32:33

shower. No, but you get breaks. You

1:32:35

get- Hang on, that's great. So Mark

1:32:38

Watson won the world, got the Guinness

1:32:40

Book of World Records. He got the

1:32:42

longest comedy show and within that, he

1:32:45

was allowed, is something

1:32:47

like five minutes an hour to

1:32:49

get off stage and go to the toilet. And

1:32:52

it still counts as the longest ever comedy

1:32:54

show by one comic. Mark

1:32:56

Watson's isn't by one comma. It's

1:32:59

on a mixed bill. Is it a show? Oh.

1:33:02

I bet that is the most fucking panic

1:33:04

wipe you'd ever do in your life, innit?

1:33:06

I thought he was there the whole time.

1:33:08

I think he had to be, I think,

1:33:10

yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna Google it one sec.

1:33:12

The longest ever stream is 26 days. I

1:33:15

mean, aside from this, your friends, it's

1:33:18

26 days, I don't think we're doing that. No.

1:33:21

I don't think that's- I don't even want to, we're all

1:33:23

quite busy. Yeah, it's his, Mark Watson's show, 36 hours, he

1:33:25

does. He

1:33:29

had to be on the mic for- Really? So he had

1:33:31

all the guests on the stage, he had all the comics

1:33:33

on the stage, but within the world record, it isn't like,

1:33:35

as soon as you snap off the stage, that's the end

1:33:38

of it. Was there an audience back there? You get like

1:33:40

a, yeah, for the whole time. Like, roll and all. He

1:33:42

should've come and go as it went on. And

1:33:45

obviously there was quite a time, you know, like at

1:33:47

5 a.m., but there was always someone there. And

1:33:49

then at the start, and then towards the end,

1:33:52

and it got closer, it was at the fringe.

1:33:54

He very cleverly did it at the fringe. Oh,

1:33:56

yeah, that's smart, man. And so you've got loads

1:33:58

of other comics to come on. and you've

1:34:00

got comedy fans that want to be a part of it but

1:34:02

he got like breaks to have a

1:34:05

shit so what do you want? don't you

1:34:07

know you've got a personal one like him? he wants Guinness? I think he

1:34:09

had a wank I'd be the

1:34:11

longest wank I'd go

1:34:13

for the world record that'd be

1:34:15

a monkey one what about guning? the longest

1:34:18

I was in before you finish I just... there's

1:34:20

a whole community I just edge just

1:34:22

edge? guning of people who edge for like days at

1:34:24

a time what are they called? guning, guners he's

1:34:28

been edging the Premier League for years ohhh

1:34:34

little too much pause woo um

1:34:37

yeah I just... I'm gonna edge there's

1:34:40

no way you can edge longer than I am what

1:34:42

do you mean? there's no way you

1:34:44

can edge you're literally taking cum pills at the minute

1:34:46

to stop yourself jazzing too quickly is

1:34:48

that a thing? and that's a PE

1:34:50

game no he's been cumming too quickly for

1:34:52

decades so he started taking pills so that

1:34:54

he can focus the world record longest time

1:34:57

spent masturbating is 10 hours and 10 minutes

1:34:59

I have got this mate I just need

1:35:01

a couple of pills some cocaine and I

1:35:03

can make this happen I can't be taking

1:35:05

pets for the wank and world record they

1:35:07

don't need to know about it I'll just

1:35:09

be confident what's the... Edgin? when do you...

1:35:11

I think it's on fair strokes to come

1:35:13

in but what's the sort of... stroke...

1:35:16

oh yeah stroke for the minute BPM of the strokes you

1:35:18

know because if I'm not being funny but if I'm going

1:35:20

like that then I'm gonna be

1:35:22

fine or is there a sort of... I

1:35:24

think it means that I can be... I'll work that out don't worry

1:35:26

about my world record sorry I'll be

1:35:28

TNC's so you probably have to stroke with intense

1:35:30

I mean it doesn't say that so

1:35:33

this isn't... surprisingly Guinness don't want to be involved

1:35:35

in this this is not at all well

1:35:38

there's official this is the BPM as well

1:35:40

world record there was another one at the

1:35:42

same event for the longest like

1:35:44

the furthest you could get your... oh

1:35:47

I'm not give me 10 days mate I'll fucking put

1:35:49

another Kylie Minogue's Ed you

1:35:52

can Kylie Minogue yeah? not our big chief

1:35:54

famously she was that's far who's the sado

1:35:56

that's measuring that so it was 30 because

1:35:59

it's not far A family when thirteen

1:36:01

feet. Thirteenth. A

1:36:03

thought for me as a. Outages.

1:36:06

Forwards month, that's I think we've got

1:36:08

a patron specialist twenty six six. And

1:36:10

so Bible says. You should

1:36:12

never should never measure measure to distance

1:36:14

with but the teeth. Oh

1:36:17

My. God. simply by jews are just

1:36:19

a loop around that compels real. Madrid

1:36:24

and them a little bit more ice I

1:36:26

don't and they all philosophy nothing them more

1:36:28

for erectile dysfunction which I didn't need them

1:36:31

for. Savages be like com millionaire is oh

1:36:33

my own as it nice that kind of

1:36:35

the. Don't. I think was it

1:36:37

wasn't your brought that I know it wasn't a placebo

1:36:40

effect. say so This is awesome and so's. In

1:36:45

the God. I

1:36:47

called. Honestly, I think ten hours is. Stable.

1:36:50

Ten always my own. I'll do It

1:36:52

is a friends will get a crowd

1:36:54

and has to be quiet times. Five

1:36:56

Am ghetto. The comics onstage may it

1:36:58

be read. Roll with Me. To

1:37:00

the red will of kill the problem with a lot

1:37:02

of will be. Chief in

1:37:04

it that seem mundane and you

1:37:06

know I wasn't because of been

1:37:08

accidentally spike myself with erectile dysfunction.

1:37:11

Bills dysfunctional tells me. See.

1:37:13

Just think of I can and have Loews a clean. Ten.

1:37:16

Hours though. Money? a loss. Cream: Ten

1:37:19

hours ago? You asleep? probably? Yeah. Cream.

1:37:22

Yeah. Sounds like Luby will you? Not

1:37:25

not loop. With

1:37:27

always. Some. Karim the sweetness

1:37:29

etti hundred assume is a

1:37:31

database products are you on

1:37:33

August and thus less how

1:37:35

found out one can with

1:37:38

dream said what's your will

1:37:40

record ah. Most.

1:37:42

long as she's also cough know gallagher threat and about

1:37:44

real. With

1:37:47

him for have not read any of

1:37:49

those suckers. Okay of is about real.

1:37:53

While some of the buddha. I.

1:37:55

Thought oh now. I

1:37:57

can't I'll smoke people. Are. Cosmos.

1:38:00

So that one's in the bin. Not

1:38:02

very good at anything. Why did you

1:38:04

jump to out smoking? Is that pretty good? Longest

1:38:07

time to subtitle a one minute clip. Yeah,

1:38:10

I think you've already got it. Yeah. Now,

1:38:13

on the Dark Web... So

1:38:19

eggy. On

1:38:21

the Dark Web World Records, surely

1:38:24

the most smoked would be

1:38:26

a valid... You

1:38:28

could be all day every day. Dark

1:38:30

Web. You could literally just all day.

1:38:32

You'd be fine. Eventually. And

1:38:35

then, just when you think you're fine, there goes your

1:38:37

leg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It

1:38:40

just jolts off. I should have listened to Carl.

1:38:43

Sure is, didn't I? Looking good there,

1:38:45

girl. I

1:38:47

think mine's the most podcasted in the world. I haven't missed

1:38:49

an episode since 2022. That's

1:38:52

gonna be a world record. Yeah? I

1:38:55

think a... That

1:38:57

isn't a fun one. No. They

1:38:59

gotta be fun, don't they? We keep asking him to take some time

1:39:01

off, but... He just refuses.

1:39:04

He can't just be touching poles and then also

1:39:06

being like, we have a consistent podcast too. I

1:39:09

don't take any days off. You

1:39:11

know, most... Most goths.

1:39:14

Slapped. In a minute. By the

1:39:16

way, I sort of passed a gaffe yesterday in

1:39:18

the fabric district. You know near where we filmed the

1:39:20

thing? Is that called a fabric district? Yeah. Oh,

1:39:23

nice. And there was just some big goth party.

1:39:26

And maybe my... Again, I cannot

1:39:28

believe it's taking me so much time. You know when

1:39:30

you drove past them? Like,

1:39:32

when we were driving past? I

1:39:34

had me winded then. And I

1:39:37

heard another goth call another goth a

1:39:39

fat smelly goth. And it might be

1:39:42

the peak of my life. Because

1:39:44

I didn't know they used that word as an insult the

1:39:46

way the rest of us did. No, they reclaimed it. Yeah,

1:39:48

it's their word. It's their N-word. Is it

1:39:50

really? Yeah, yeah. Maybe

1:39:53

they just got my fat smelly goth. How

1:39:56

are we? I

1:40:06

watched the video yesterday. No, I was there. From

1:40:12

a black rights activist, a fella. And

1:40:15

he's like, I hate that we're

1:40:17

the only marginalized

1:40:19

group that is desperate to

1:40:22

use our slayer word, a word that's

1:40:24

so horrific in its history. I

1:40:27

hate that we're the only

1:40:29

marginalized group that is fighting to use

1:40:31

it. And because I

1:40:33

was tired enough, at that

1:40:35

point of the video, I was like, yeah,

1:40:37

more groups should use

1:40:40

the thing. What he was saying was just

1:40:42

nobody should. But in my head, it was

1:40:44

going to be like Chinese

1:40:46

people take the seaward back. I'm

1:40:51

trying to reclaim people take the shortened version of

1:40:53

their own word back. Everyone takes it back. I'm

1:40:55

trying to reclaim Honky. It's

1:40:57

fine. He did

1:41:00

an open mic in Painsville, Ohio, right?

1:41:03

And they were doing some of the most mad sets

1:41:05

you've ever seen. He found my car, just stubbed his

1:41:07

toe. Painsville, Ohio.

1:41:09

And one guy did a set. These

1:41:12

were some of the most, not even edgy,

1:41:14

just uncomfortable right wing sets ever. My set

1:41:16

as well was about being bicurious. It was

1:41:18

like the worst room I've ever done. I

1:41:22

went up. One of the guys did a

1:41:24

set, right? And he was using

1:41:26

the word white trash. And

1:41:28

then he started reclaiming

1:41:30

white trash. And he started being

1:41:32

like, it was white trash. And

1:41:34

then they were like, yeah. I

1:41:36

was like, oh, no, this

1:41:39

is the doom of everything. Not your

1:41:41

own audience. No, it really wasn't. And

1:41:43

then the bicurious set really landed. I

1:41:46

think they were laughing at me in retrospect. Or maybe

1:41:48

they thought you were doing a character. Yeah.

1:41:52

Yeah. And then one guy afterwards, he just kept coming

1:41:54

up to me. It's like, old guy, he'd done a

1:41:56

really long set. And his joke that

1:41:58

killed the room was his. wife brings him

1:42:00

food to work and he's like he's 60

1:42:03

and he referred to her as Hordash and

1:42:05

that smashed it in that room. It's

1:42:08

a fucking broad line that means. He

1:42:10

just kept coming up to me and shaking my hand and

1:42:12

he must have did it like five times like I

1:42:14

think he was biking. It was a really good set man I

1:42:16

think he was. Tommy

1:42:19

how are you what are you doing doing oh

1:42:21

like I'm you're getting your stand-up going and everything

1:42:23

yeah but it's a hell of a booking to

1:42:25

take isn't it pains of a long time. How

1:42:28

did you end up doing this? I

1:42:31

was in Cleveland Ohio we just finished

1:42:33

the two months and I joined

1:42:35

the Ohio the Cleveland

1:42:37

Facebook group. I've had to

1:42:40

learn how to use Facebook I know every

1:42:42

social media except Facebook and that's the one

1:42:44

I'm on all the time now. I'm so

1:42:46

old. It's just shit in it. Because of

1:42:48

just because of the comedians groups. Everyone's on

1:42:50

fucking Facebook so I joined one and they

1:42:52

were like oh yeah we got one in

1:42:54

Painsville and I went in and I go in

1:42:56

and I think oh maybe it's gonna be a little right-wing

1:42:58

it'll be fine I'll go into this bar and above the

1:43:00

the little stage where you're performing there

1:43:03

was a swastika there

1:43:05

was a rainbow one. Oh

1:43:08

that's nice that's progress. Is that what because

1:43:10

I know the gays and that's not that

1:43:13

doesn't help and I know the Nazis and

1:43:15

that doesn't help so I don't even know.

1:43:18

Which way round is that have they shaped

1:43:20

the rainbow? No it was a swastika and

1:43:23

it said rule hard rule prayer. You're their

1:43:25

dream. Bicurious. Racist

1:43:28

gays. It was really

1:43:30

like a leader's ear. That

1:43:33

they're the white trash and it was like walk. You look

1:43:35

like a gay Nazi. You

1:43:39

do though? I beg your pardon. You

1:43:42

know what I mean? I don't know

1:43:44

what you mean. Like your Hitler's like

1:43:46

dream blonde air blue

1:43:48

eyes and your bicurious that. They

1:43:50

probably put that title for you. I'm

1:43:53

a gay. I'm like printing a

1:43:55

rainbow swastika. Put it on the wall.

1:43:59

I'm a gay. I'm just like, I'm

1:44:01

like, yeah! He made it as a compliment.

1:44:04

Oh did he? Because that was really unclear. No

1:44:06

I do mean it as a compliment. This is

1:44:08

like Chanel Nipig all over again. This is fucking...