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Welcome to my podcast . Happily , even

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After . I'm life coach , jen , I'm

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passionate about helping people recover

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from betrayal . I rode the intense

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emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and

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traumatized for years . It's the reason

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I became a trauma-informed certified life

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coach who helps people like you navigate

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their post-betrayal world . I have

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the tools , processes and knowledge to

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help you not only heal from the betrayal

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but create a healthy future . Today

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we begin to help you live happily

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even after . Hey

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friends , welcome to today's episode

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. Today I'm going to talk about

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a topic that I've been thinking

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about , which is , of course , how I choose

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my topics . Do you tell

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someone their spouse is having

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an affair ? So if you know

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someone that is cheating

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on their spouse , do you tell the spouse , and

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I will share all of my thoughts

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and feelings about this , because I

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definitely have them . But

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I just , of course , went

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to the good old internet and

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just read some different things

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and articles to see what

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you know other people thought . So

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I'm going to just share these and

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just some ideas , give

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you something to think about , because if

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you've ever been in this position , it

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can be a conundrum and you

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can worry is it the right thing

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or the wrong thing ? And I

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, of course , don't love that train

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of thought , because who

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knows if it's right or wrong ? You never know until

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we do it or good or bad , like labeling

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things like that can be problematic

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. So , anyways , the first

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thing is , of course , we want to make sure

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you know it's actually cheating , because

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sometimes something might appear

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one way and we

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make lots of assumptions and

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it's really not , and so that is

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important . Obviously , if you're

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going to go and actually

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tell someone that

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their spouse is cheating , you want to make sure that they

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really are and it wasn't

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like . You heard from a friend of a friend

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, a rumor . You didn't

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actually see it for yourself or whatever

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. Before you start accusing

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people or gossip

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with mutual friends about

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it , you just want to make sure it really

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is actually happening

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so that you don't

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make the problem worse or it

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could just put you in a difficult situation

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. Is

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you want to do it in person , and

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I guess this could be hard if

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you didn't live in this . You

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know same area and I think with

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Facebook and social

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media sometimes we discover things

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. But

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if you can , I think you would

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want to , especially if they are your friend . You

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want to make sure you break the news in person . So it

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may not be easy , but I just think that is more respectful . And

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then also , if there is cheating , like , don't just go , like hey , let's just meet at Starbucks or in

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a really public place . Because you

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need to be respectful . If you are hearing

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this news for

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yourself , like you don't want to be

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in a very public place because you don't know

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necessarily how they're going to react

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, it could be really high

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emotions , really intense

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feelings . So just be mindful

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of that and be respectful

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and maybe start

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off by asking them questions like hey , how's

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your relationship going ? You know , bring

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it into conversation and don't

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just sit down and

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blurt it out . Just

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be mindful about that . If

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you know they're like , oh , everything's so amazing

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, things are great , you

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know , just kind of gauge the mood of the relationship

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, because maybe they don't feel safe

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talking to you and I think

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if you're not a

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safe person they don't want to share . If you haven't

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already built that trust up with them , someone's

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not going to want to divulge , maybe

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, things that are going on to their marriage , because

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they actually may already know that

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their spouse is cheating and so

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then having you tell them it

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just could be complicated , just so get their

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vibe of what they're . You know how

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the conversation is going . But

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if they're like actually you know I'm

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really struggling in my marriage and things are

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not going great , there's something going

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on , I'm not really sure , then maybe

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that's your opportunity to say you know , I'm

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really sorry this is happening , but just

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so you know , I saw

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your spouse at a restaurant with

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another woman and they

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were definitely not in

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a business meeting or whatever . And just

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you know , try to have that conversation

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with them . I think it's important to be direct

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if you are going to talk and

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say something , but you also don't

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want to be like , hey , I like your sweater and , by

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the way , your husband's having an affair . Like

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you need to make sure , like , just

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be more gentle and kind and

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then let's order hamburgers

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. So just be sensitive

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that you are

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getting ready to drop a bomb on someone

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and just

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because it might feel uncomfortable to you

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, just give them lots of

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space to process

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what you've told them . Be

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aware that they

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may not believe you , they may

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be mad at you , they

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may tell you that

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you're lying , you're trying to ruin their marriage

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or whatever . They may try to

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blurt out and blame you . But knowing

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that ahead of time is going to be helpful , because

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you're going in with all

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that , knowing that this

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is how this could go on . It's

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important , I think , to be prepared

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to offer support . If

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you've just dropped this bomb on them and you're like

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, hey , how can I help ? Chances

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are they don't really know at

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that moment how you can

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help . But just let them

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know that you're going to be there and you're going

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to do whatever you can

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. You're going to show up and

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realize that

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there's going to be a lot of grieving

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. When you find out your spouse is cheating

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, grief immediately

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happens because you're

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grieving what you thought your marriage

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was , and then now the reality of

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it and people

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go into denial , anger

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, lots of things , and they may

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unintentionally take

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it out on you , even

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though of course it's

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misdirected , but that's just what happens

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. And so if

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you're set on telling

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someone , just be mindful that

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it may not end

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well . Just be mindful that it may not end well

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, even if you know that you are good friends

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. They just may need some space

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for your friendship . But I guarantee

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, as they're on their healing

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journey , they're probably going to be really

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grateful that you told them

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. I think in my experience

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, actually , no

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one ever came up to me and said that my

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spouse was cheating , which

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is really surprising , actually

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, and I kind of feel bad

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about it . But I

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can understand maybe

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why now that I'm several

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years away from that

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, because definitely people at

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his office knew he

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was having an affair and I always

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thought why wouldn't they have told me ? But

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I realized because he

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was their boss , he was their

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. That's their job

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, where they made their money , that was their security

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. They weren't going to risk their job

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or their security to let

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me know something and

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in a way , I felt very

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betrayed by those people as well

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and hurt

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. However , I just had to

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realize like they were doing

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what was best for them . They

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weren't necessarily thinking about

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me , they weren't necessarily

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thinking to me about

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this and

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it made me feel very betrayed and hurt , and so I

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think doing any of those things

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is very

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hurtful and it's

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not appropriate , right . If you

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have a picture of

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someone spouse and

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a mistress , girlfriend

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, whatever you want a fair partner you

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know be respectful

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and mindful of that person and

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their family and

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either delete it don't

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pass it around to everyone in the neighborhood

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and think

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that that's funny or think that that

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is okay and

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make it seem like you're better

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than them or doing

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something noble . I don't

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know the justification of it , there's really

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not any . But just realize

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that we're real people

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. Even my spouse

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that was having an affair . He's a real person

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. He has feelings , everyone

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involved has feelings , and so

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be careful with what

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you share , especially when it comes to someone's marriage

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, someone's family . So

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no one told me , and

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I don't know how I

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wish they would . However , I do have a

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friend and I think

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for those of us that are in the club

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that have

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been cheated on , have

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experienced an affair

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or affairs , I

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would say most of us , and

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I'm just going to speak for myself . But I'm

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telling someone , if I

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find out that and

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I know 100% that their

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spouse is having an affair I'm going

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to have that difficult

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conversation because that's

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what I wish someone would have done

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for me . I wish that someone would

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have said hey , jennifer , this

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is what's going on . Chances

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are I already knew that

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it was happening , but what if I didn't

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? What if it just helped me know I wasn't

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alone ? It helps

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, I think , clear the shame of

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the situation to know like , hey , someone

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actually cares about me enough

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that they're willing to tell

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me this very difficult thing and

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that's just me . I'm sure everyone has a story

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of something else , but that is just my

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experience . But I

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do have a friend that has given

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me lots of information because

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we have each other's back . She has

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been cheated on and I've been cheated on

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, and so we have

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each other's back . We're going to be able to

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. She's going to tell me if she's

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heard something or knows something , and

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so I don't know . Just something to

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think about . So I would definitely

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, if I'm in that situation , if

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I know for a fact , I'm going to

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tell the other person

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. And I actually haven't

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had this experience , but

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I know it's happening . Unfortunately

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, people are still having an affair and I think

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it's probably because I've never been

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in the workforce . I

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was always a stay-at-home mom . Not

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that stay-at-home moms can't have affairs

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they definitely do but

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I just probably haven't been as

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exposed in enough situations

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where I've seen this happening . So

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that's my thoughts on

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if you should tell . Just

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knowing , learn to be a safe person

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, just knowing , learn to be a safe person . I think if

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you are a friend

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that feels safe

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, that they know you're not going to judge

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or show

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up in negativity

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, they're going to be more likely to

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hear what you have to say If

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you know how to be self-regulated . I think it's so important to know how to regulate your feelings

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. A lot of times people are like how can you help other

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women who've experienced betrayal ? And

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I think it's because I've learned to self-regulate

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and my story even

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though it sounds familiar to me

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when I hear their story , it's not

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my story , so I can separate myself

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. I can have a lot of compassion for

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someone else telling me their story

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because I know how

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to self-regulate . I don't get triggered

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hearing about their husband cheating on them

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. I only got triggered hearing about my husband

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cheating on me , and so I'm

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able to separate that , which I think is

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a gift that I have . And

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so , if you find

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yourself in this situation , just consider

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the possibilities and be willing

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to be wrong about

13:48

your decision , but also be willing to be

13:50

right about it . And what if it is

13:53

your opportunity

13:55

to help this person in

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their healing journey ? Just

14:00

know that there's lots of shame involved

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. When an affair is happening and

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so it could be you get blamed

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for something that you definitely were just

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trying to help and recognize

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that . That is just the shame . It's

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too painful to feel that shame , the shame

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of getting cheated on or being

14:19

the cheater , and so just

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realize it's not about you , it's what's

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going on with that person and they

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need to be healing and figuring

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out themselves . Hopefully

14:31

, this was helpful . If you

14:33

are struggling in your marriage

14:35

, if you're struggling with betrayal and

14:38

your healing journey , I would love to

14:40

help you . It's my passion

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, it's what I love to do , so

14:44

reach out . You can go to lifecoachjencom

14:48

and sign up for a

14:50

free coaching call and we

14:52

can talk about next steps in

14:54

your healing journey . Thanks so much for

14:56

listening and have a beautiful day . If

14:59

you want to learn how to live happily even after

15:01

, sign up for my email at hello

15:03

at lifecoachjenwith1ncom

15:06

. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook

15:09

at Happily Even After . Coach , let's

15:11

work together to create your happily

15:13

even after .